#dearnikko

[long-gone-1997]

Karagatan / nva

Malakas akong nasa lupa nung bigla ka dumating. Dinala mo ko sa dagat, dagat na pamilyar pero mas malawak at mas malalim. Sa totoo lang hindi talaga ako marunong lumangoy, pero andon ka para kapitan ako. Grabe sobrang tuwang tuwa ako lumalangoy kasama ka. Higpit ng kapit ko sa likod mo, hindi ko alam pero bakit hindi ako matuto-tuto mag langoy, okay lang kasi andyan ka naman laging naka gabay sakin. Isang taon at walong buwan tayong nasa dagat na yon, may mga araw na malakas yung alon kaya may mga pagkakataon na medyo nakakainom ako ng tubig, maalat, ang sama sa pakiramdam pero kapit kapit mo ako at sinisigurado mo na kasama lang kita. Ang dami natin alon na nilagpasan, hanggang may dumating na napakalakas na bagyo. dinala mo ako sa medyo mababaw na parte para mag pahinga. gusto mo humingi ng tulong kasi di natin kinakaya yung alon dahil sa bagyo na yon. Naisip mo lusungin yung malakas na alon para sa tulong, ako naiwan ako sa bandang mababaw, hinayaan kita kasi alam ko para naman yun sa kaligtasan natin. Habang nag lalangoy ka papalayo sakin, tinatanaw kita. Nung umabot na sa malayo, tanaw parin kita, nakita ko biglang may dumaan na bangka, doon ka sumakay, pero hindi ko alam bakit papalayo sakin yung bangka imbis na palapit. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kayo matanaw dahil sobrang lakas ng alon at hangin dahil sa bagyo. Naiwan ako sa mababaw, hinintay kita makabalik pero ang daming araw na lumipas, wala ka. Takot na takot ako. Nung humupa na yung alon, nag aalala ako sayo kasi hindi ka parin bumabalik kaya nag pasya ako na hanapin ka sa karagatan na yon, nag lakas loob ako, pero kalagitnaan palang dahil sa sobrang lalim at hindi ako marunong lumangoy, unti unti akong nalulunod, hindi ko alam gagawin ko, inaangat ko yung sarili ko pero hirap na hirap ako. Wala ako mahingan ng tulong dahil ako lang yung nasa gitna ng dagat hanggang sa tuluyan na akong nalunod at hindi na natagpuan kahit kailan. 

[long-gone-1997]

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Ako kasi kontento ako sayo e. Yes we fought about a lot of things, kasi given naman yon, we have our differences e, but i know deep in my heart that I’ll always, always be happy with you by my side. Kasi ako tanggap ko kung ano ka, at ano yung kakayanan mo at mga kaya mo pa gawin. Is it really that hard? for u na makontento sakin? Am I really not enough?

You know I always wanted to asked u, what went wrong? Saan ako nagkulang sayo? Yes LDR is bullshit, pero hindi ba enough yung love? Talaga bang nawala nalang yon bigla? Nabawasan? Kumonti? Hindi na enough for you to fight what we have? Sobrang mahal kita, and alam ko sayo ako masaya e kaya kahit na ang hirap hirap na ng sitwasyon natin I always choose to understand. Even this break-up, I know ako nag decide neto but all I want is for you to break the thoughts na nabuo sa utak ko. I wanted u to fight for us like u always do. I wanted you to save me from my own thoughts kasi ikaw lang naman makakagawa non, sayo lang ako malilinawan. Pero hindi e, you let me drown. *oklokloklok* (sound ng nalulunod lol) Ang hirap din kasi ibigay sayo lahat kasi alam ko gaano ako naging toxic. But despite that? U know I’ll always choose you. I’ll always choose our relationship. Kahit mahirap, kahit toxic kasi alam ko at the end of the day sayo lang ako masaya, sayo lang ako kontento. And I guess , ah no scratch that I believe, hindi kana kontento sakin. That’s why its hard for you to be happy with me.

I wouldn’t deny, everyday I still keep blaming myself for what happened to us, but maybe I should stop. Parehas tayo may mali and alam naman natin yun sa sarili natin. I just wanna be happy again, I just need to learn how ngayon wala kana talaga sakin. But u know? Everyday na nasasanay na ko na wala ka? Pakonti konti ko na kinakaya. Kailangan ko lang siguro makontento naman sa sarili ko lang, para maging masaya. hindi and never ko ipagdadamot sayo yan. Because at the end of the day, I always want you to be happy, even if it that happiness no longer includes me.

I know it will take a lot of time for me to be whole again kasi to be honest, yung kalahati ko nasayo pa 😅 It’ll never be easy but I hope, we both find what we deserve.

Mahal na mahal parin kita at gusto ko sabihin sayo ngayon, na sayo ako masaya.

[long-gone-1997]

When you learn how to be happy with yourself ~

I guess that’s really the key and I guess that’s how he did it and that’s what I’ve lost. Before he came into my life, I may not be that perfectly happy but I’m fine on my own. Tanggap ko noon meron o walang kasama in life, okay naman buhay ko, because I dont depend my happiness on someone else. But he came, he made me feel all the love I was longing for years, that’s why I became happiest. I couldn’t deny, It was the best. I thought it will never end, kasi he made sure e. na he will stay, na I’m all that he needs. I believed in his words, I believed in him, I trusted him. Kahit na ang daming dumating na pagsubok, kinaya naman namin ng mag kasama e. But I guess, life’s really a B. Nung naging magulo na, sarili ko nalang nakikita ko, and he was not there. Even today. He knew how much in pain I am right now, he knew that he’s the problem, he knew because I exactly told him. But the thing is, even though he knew, he’s not doing anything to stop this. I mean, y would we wait if u know how to fix this shit. Pero ganon talaga e. And gets ko na. Maybe this is not what he want anymore. And siguro hindi na talaga ako. Masakit yes. Pero wala naman ako magagawa e. Kasi nga hindi naman ako ang dapat umayos ng nasira na to. I did my part, i was there at his worst, pero nung ako na yung nalulunod, wala binitawan nalang talaga ako. Hindi ako marunong mamimilit ng taong ayaw sakin. Kasi what’s the point? Kahit ipaaalala ko pa all of our struggles that we overcome together, if mas masaya na sya sa iba bakit pa nga ba ilalaban to? 

I want him back, I really do. But u know what I’ve just realized? he’s not ready for it, and hindi ako yung tao na maghihintay sa taong gagawin lang akong option. I dont like that, hindi ko pa ganon ka-hate yung sarili ko para gawin yon. Gusto nya na ganito kami so that he can be with someone  that he really want and if magkasama na kami ako ulit? y? It’s a big NO for me. 

I’ve been embracing this pain for 6 months now. And i think this is the time for me to stop trying. Because srlsy, awang awa and pagod na pagod na ako. I dont wanna see myself crying again because that’s not me. I don’t cry. I’m strong independent woman lol. Srsly, I should learn to love myself more for me to able to get back on track. 

You wanna have some fun with someone else? okay sure, I can do that too. But remember, you’re the one who did it first. Hindi ako yung nag na attract o nagkagusto sa iba, kasi maniwala ka sa hindi ikaw lang lagi ko nakikita. How I wish na ganon karin saakin, pero I realized, hindi ako enough for you. 

Have fun with somebody. I’ll get my life back and i hope when the time comes, when you’re ready sana andito pa ko. Sana ikaw parin noon. You;re the one who pushed me. Hindi naman kasi dapat natin inaasa sa tadhana na “kung tayo, tayo talaga” kasi dapat kung gusto natin ginagawan natin ng paraan, nang magkasama hindi magkahiwalay.

[long-gone-1997]

Gagi, yung skype ko pinalitan ko ng bio “Send my love to your new lover” tas yung ex bf ko pag silip ko skype acc nya nakalagay ‘Aint got a new lover” Tangina guys, mali ba ko, mali ba lahat ng inisip ko? Mahal nya pa ata ako, hindi ko alam kinakain na ko ng emosyon

[long-gone-1997]

Natatakot ako sa sarili ko, dahil pag kinaya ko to hinding hindi ko na gugustuhin bumalik ka sa buhay ko. Tulungan mo sana ako, sana andyan ka parin.

[long-gone-1997]

It’s me vs me now

Sobrang hirap for me pag umaabot sa ganitong stage pag meron taong sobrang gusto ko. Sobra akong na aattached na kahit pigilan ko pa. I’m still convincing myself na bored lang ako pero hindi e. Gusto ko lang talaga kasama si Nikko palagi lalo na ngayon na malapit na ko umalis. Kung pwede nga lang sana mag live in muna kami bago ko umalis e :( grabe sobranvg clingy ang hirap labanan ng feelings. Kahit mag kasama na kami ni ayaw kong nawawala sya sa tabi or paningin ko. Ngayon, gusto ko nanaman sya kasama. Sobrang hindi buo yung araw ko pag di kami nag kikita. Parang di sapat yung videocall :((( gusto ko mag lambing palagi kahit minsan ako naiirita na sa sarili sa sobrang clingy. Paano na pag alis ko :( waaahhhh paanoooo!!! Miss ko na si Nikko agad!!!

[long-gone-1997]

You know I never posted anything until I know myself that its real.

So this 1month vacay here in PH that turns to ultimate vacay gives me a wonderful partner in life.

Sure you are all confused & so am I. That last post I’ve posted pretty seem like I will never fall in love again but here we go..

This guy I met way back 2017, he was my officemate tho took all the risk to be with me even though he knew I’m leaving this country soon.

You know what, this one is the BEST I must say. I didn’t like him because of his looks (really not my type tho but he’s 100% gorg sure ; so not typical zy ah) I started to like him because of all his efforts to get me & to be with me despite of Covid shit.

He gives everything I want! attention, time & most esp food lol. Always! Despite of his busy sched ( he’s a frontliner btw) he always make sure that he never misses a chance to call me, he sends food, and always pick me up just to be with me gahhh isn’t that made him THE BEST! ( tho he’s a lil bit insensitive ) but thats fine I know I’m just being selfish & unreasonable most of the time but he’s the best boyfriend ever!

Hi beh! If you’re reading this, I love you & I appreciate you ❤️

[long-gone-1997]

I love you 🥰

[long-gone-1997]

Conversation w/ my bby

Me : alam kong di naman natin masasabi pero nakikita mo ba na mapapangasawa mo ko?

Him : oo naman. bat hindi?

Bro I was like 😲 okay just to tell you something about this guy, alam ko naman na seryoso sya sa kung anong meron samin (ngayon) but di ko inexpect na hanggang sa future gusto nya pala ko isama 🥺 gusto ko matunaw nung narinig ko yung sagot nyaaaaa.

These days, some people date because they are bored or just want some temporary companion. At yun yung tingin ko on him, na feeling ko hanggang dito lang to pero brooooo 🥺🥺🥺 wala hahaha kinikilig kase ako na i dont even know what words to put anymore. (Sabaw as usual)

Nikko never had a gf that lasted for a month kase sabi nya parang wala lang naman daw yon or siguro kase nga bata pa ganon. He even told me that there’s this one of his ex that asked the same question as mine and he literally told her na “hindi”. Ikr sobrang gago hahaha buti nalang hindi ako yon. Haha

I know & I can see that Nikko is good for me, everyday he’s helping me to grow. Alam nya gagawin palagi but to be honest, I haven’t even let my full guard down yet kahit gustong gusto ko, parang its just too soon e. Parang natatakot nanaman ako maubos, na kase pano pag ganito o ganyan or baka pag na hook ako ng sobra dito mapraning nanaman ako ganon.

Tbh, Bumabawi palang ako para buuin sarili ko e & Nikko is a big help for me. Kahit gusto ko ibigay buong pagmamahal ko sakanya parang kulang pa ko e & I cant wait.. I can’t wait mabuo ulit para ibuhos sakanya everything. This one, ayoko mawala.

[long-gone-1997]

Grabe sobrang swerte ko. Randam na randam ko pag mamahal ni Nikko sakin at sobra sobra yon 🥺 Thank you Lord, for giving me this person in my life. Sobrang thankful ko dahil sakanya, araw araw umaapaw yung pag mamahal nya sakin 🥺🥺 Sobrang swerte ko ❤️❤️

[long-gone-1997]

Don’t let me drown on my own thoughts; Please honey save me

[long-gone-1997]

Kumidlat tila langit ang nagsasabi bumalik na ako saiyong tabi. Wag ka muna limutin ngunit nahihirapan lang akong sagutin kung Itatama pa b o tama na?

[long-gone-1997]

Gusto ko humingi ng tulong, pero hindi ko alam kanino

[long-gone-1997]

December 23,2021 // 4:18 am //nva

Naiisip kita, ang saya saya mo habang ako naiisip ka. Sobrang unfair ng buhay. Bakit ako lang yung nagkakaganito. Ang hirap.

[long-gone-1997]

December 22, 2021 // NVA

Sobrang hirap. Araw araw durog ako. Ang sakit sakit makita ka masaya habang ako araw-araw kinakain ng lungkot. Miss na miss na kita, at ang hirap tanggapin na totoong wala kana sakin. Mahal na mahal kita.