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thestrandedrpg · 3 years

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MERIDIUM NEWS: DECEMBER

News travels through the air on the island like salt on a sea breeze. Here is the gossip currently circulating as of December 1, 2021.

GENERAL NEWS / NOTICES:

HELP WANTED: Tamyra Williams is looking for people to help her build a home.

THIS WEEK IN COCONUT COUTURE: definitely a neck and elegant neck competition between (let's face it, our usual) top two: Tamyra Williams, vs Kaz Raval. This week, Tamyra's versatile use of the humble sheer scarf became an island trending #scarfchic. Who knew a scarf could transform into a skirt, a dress, a sarong, a head-scarf, a blouse and more? Who else but our lovely Tamyra. But hold onto your stilettos: Kaz wasn't far behind in creating new fads. Our lurky lad was sporting a never-before seen pair of reflective star-shaped sunglasses, accessorized by - what else? His bare chest.

GENERAL NOTICE: Professor Tomas Farmer Hardy would like to remind all Meridiumers who made it to South Beach (RIP the rest) that the new farm DOES NOT have the bounty you had come to expect from its previous incarnation. When asked to surrender the EIGHT avocadoes that you have inexplicably taken for your family of one (1) for the day, please do so with a cheerful heart. Failure to comply will necessitate some sort of similarly inexplicable punishment to be devised by either Emre Akbar or Aurelie Marchand or in a pinch Madi Byrd, although she would really rather not be involved but agreed reluctantly for the sake of a solid front. All current residents of New Meridium are welcome to help themselves to however many coconuts and coconut products they desire, and we are willing to show you how to make brooms out of coconut fronds. Please do not ask for farm credit as you will not enjoy the derisive snorts that will follow.

SEEING DOUBLE?: There is news that some sort of groundbreaking is going on near the High Ground Settlement. It appears to be a new settlement... or maybe even a second farm? The source of this news has remained determinedly anonymous.

SPECIAL FARM ITEM NOW AVAILABLE!!!: The (Water) Lily Stop by the farm and get a delicious up of the Water Lily beverage, inspired by the lovely Lily. (She doesn't know she inspired this. It's not creepy, we promise).The Water Lily is a delicious, refreshing beverage made from the finest organic and sustainable ingredients, locally sourced. It is all-natural, with no additives, soy GMOs or parabens, much like the fleshy version of Lily. Choose to drink your Water Lily from a custom-made collectible coconut shell cup or straight from the river! Because it's literally just river water. Upgrade your Water Lily with the following add-ons at no extra cost!: - energy slam-o-rama - Vitamin X - brain-detoxifier - internal fungal cleanser - turmeric substitute (blood red, not golden yellow) Ask top farmer Tomas for your special Water Lily add-ons! He doesn't have them, it's just funny to see him getting increasingly confused and angry over people asking for add-ons.

ANONYMOUS TIP FOR GENERAL ETIQUETTE: Newer arrivals to the island are reminded that constant references to the fashions and faddery of your era can be wearisome to those who've been on Meridium for more extended stays! Your elders may seem truly interested in tiktokkery and instagramation, but be assured that they are merely exercising politeness and may, in fact, have stopped listening twelve minutes back and are thinking about how to cook the gull they have planned for supper. SEEKING HEIGHT: Hazel Beaufort is in search of one (1) ladder and/or one (1) willing tall person whose shoulders she can stand upon to properly trace her sister’s name onto paper from the obelisk. Will offer compensation! * * Booze from her grandmother. APPLY NOW!: One person with good upper body strength, willing to hold something aloft for any number of hours upon demand. Applicant will be required to follow Tamyra Williams around the island with a long pole upon the end of which will hang either 1) a torch (fire attuned preferred), 2) a jar of fireflies, 3) a clump of bioluminescent mushrooms. Will lift pole over Tamyra to provide a spotlight when required. Must be willing to weather constant chiding and reprimands over inability to sweep spotlight properly.

NOTICE OF INTENT: Tomas Hernandez Hardy Esq. hereby states intent to take possession of the piano found in Fuckupped Train Car #11 for transport back to the Hardys' High House. Complainants are advised to cram it, as they could never attain as much pleasure from said piano as Mr. Hardy's wife will and he is willing to throw down over this.

SEEKING SNOG: Comely SINGLE ASIAN MALE doctor seeking casual snog to raise spirits among other tings. Must be willing to: be a bloke (whiteboys preferred apparently), laugh at cute jokes but don't laugh too hard or try to joke along because man gets in a proper mood about it, and listen to long gas going off about dead fiance, cooking or medicine like. Possibility for shags on the regular. Might burn you alive, soz. Note: first date will be a surprise, come prepared. Contact: Best Bhaiya. FOR SALE OBO: Do you wish you could gaze upon the most attractive Meridium inhabitants without having to inconveniently follow them around? Wish no more! For a small fee/trade, an enthusiastic artist is willing to draw you a portrait to carry around with you! Plz allow for five days' time for popular portraits such as Kaz, Vince, Theo, Aurelie, or Ben; buy six and get a free Joaquin retablo! Contact me via flower language at the foot of the heart tree.

OBELISK EYE NEVER CLOSES!: This week our Obelisk Operatives (ObOps) have dutifully collected the following mysteries! So pull out your magnifying glass, write in the sand, and let's do some sleuthing.

- One ObOp noticed Benjamin holding a bag full of...rocks? Chestnuts!? Mermaid eggs!? What's your guess? - Amelia was spotted! Or maybe she wasn't. What to make of that? - Yesterday afternoon, another ObOp noticed Magnolia Beaufort laughing. And it wasn't at the expense of someone else! Seems sus. - Could it be that Aurélie knows a FIFTH language? Impossible! No one can know that much. - It was unfortunate that an ObOp got too close to Cian, and got a severe warning. Sorry - we meant a severe warming. Yet another reason to be wary of Cian and his hidden third eye...someone needs to find it!Any other news to report? Become an ObOp or risk being next! Always remember: T̶̪͋̓́̂͌̀̾͆͠H̷̺̙̥̟̼̿Ĕ̸̱͇̮̬̄̒̓̍̓̃ ̴̡͕̗͕̱͈̘͛́͋̀̈́̀̚͠͠ͅȎ̶̞̙͈͉͈̙̥͒͒̐̒͜͜B̸̧̪̀̎̃̓̉̌͠͝Ę̴͔͚̰̠͖̠̘͒̌̂͑̓́̓͝L̷̨͇̺̣̜̾̋̊̀̀͜Į̴̛̮͇̭͙̠̣̱̓̏S̴̡̗̦͚̠͖̺͋̉̾K̸͙̜̠̬̟͇͂́̎̀̒̑̇͜͝ͅ ̸̞̗̺͍̥̒̊̊̾̕͝͠͝E̵̯̺̼̤͉͉͆̄̈́́͝Ỹ̷͎̦̟͉̗̞̊͘E̷̖̫̫͂̑̽̋̈́͠ ̸͉͙̥͂̐̈́͛̊͠N̴͈̾͠È̷̬̜̘̘̇̑̈́̍͋͂͌̔͠Ṽ̴̫̰̥͓̱͕͓͆̐̈́Ȩ̸̛̦͈̗̯̘̫͙̇̀̌̾̑͊R̴̼̣̃̈́͊͠ ̸̡̖̝̬̝̊̈̕C̴̰̰̉̄̃̑͒Ļ̶̢̱̬͇̻̈́̔̈́͋̽O̵̼͍͔͂S̴̭͍̆̉͘̕E̶̮͓̯͕̓͌͋̋̉̓S̸̤̞̘͙̘͂̎̎̇̿̽͆̎̊͝!̴̣̪͈̜̲̈́̾̂̐̍̍͊͊͝

DEAR MS. MERIDIUM:

Anonymous islanders are invited to voice their questions, complaints, and compliments to the island itself. Replies are not guaranteed.

Dear Ms. Meridium:

Long time survivor, first time writer. I'm a big fan of what you've done with the place. Who needed all that junk on the North Beach? People were too concretely settled in their little cliques. Plane People versus Castaways versus Island Oldies, I mean, who cares, right? I'm sure we can all agree that we're all one big united group! In that we think the island should become a polyamorous cult that worships the obelisk and should vote the most bangable person here as our leader. My vote goes to that redhead with the permanent bitchface, you know the one. Ms. Sassy Britches Jungle Lady. Anyhow keep up the good work!

Sincerely, Can't Spell Culture Without Cult

***

Dear Ms. Meridium:

Is it just me or are there too many people on the island who have plant names? Magnolia, Lily, Hazel, Quinoa, Tomato, Tamarind, that kid whose name is Barley I think, that chick whose last name is Bloom, there's probably more whose names translate to plants. Kinda creepy if you ask me. Like maybe they're pod people. Unlike us normal ones who have animal names like Byrd and Rook and Coatimundi. Not saying that's my name just an example.

Think about it, Fauna Forever Flora Never

***

Dear Ms. Meridium,

I need some serious advice. One time I was walking past Emre Akbar and I could swear he growled at me and then barked like a dog and said something not in English. Now I am a normal person and I don't believe in omens, but I could swear that Emre put a curse on me! I read one time that people who don't blink at least once per five seconds are changelings from the Otherworld and Emre only blinks once per 22 seconds yes I timed it. Also I think I saw him drinking that coconut oil he makes. It's not natural. I mean yeah if he asked I would totally smash but that's beside the point. Help! Should I approach him or is there a counter-curse you could give me?

Shivering, Terrified Yet Horny

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