#despite how it starts this is mostly Not About Tuuya

[cloudbatcave]

The vampire looked off into the distance, searching for something they seemed not to find, yet when they looked back it was not with dissatisfaction. Their face was thoughtful, the long pointed ears ever so slightly arched upward.

“It’s likely I can’t be good. But what is goodness? It’s less great deeds and more many little ones, I’ve found. I’ve watched empires rise and fall, and certainly, some single acts have incredible weight. Humans love that story; one hero saving the rest. It’s not a bad story to like, either. It’s relatable. Humans are individuals; they want to hear what individuals can do. They want comfort, and why not? They live in a terrifying world.”

Jessica shifted, her feline ears flattening a little as she bit her lip, wondering if she should protest at the obvious meaning of the last line. If she could protest.

“Well, what does that have to do with it?” She said instead, slightly snappish but more worried than anything. “You still haven’t said what you think.”

“Patience, I’m getting there.” They waved a finger at her, just as her sister said they’d always done when lecturing and she half wanted to laugh, half wanted to strangle them. How had Elly ever put up with so many tangents?

God, Elly had put up with so much.

She forced back the stupid tears that threatened to pour out of her again. She was so sick of crying.

“Jessica?”

They were looking at her, concern in their bright green eyes.

“Yeah. Go on. I’m fine.”

“You can always tell me to stop, you know.” They reminded her gently, slender fingers clasped together.

They clutch their hands when they’re trying not to fret - you wouldn’t think a vamp would be so anxious, Jessie, it’s the funniest thing.

“Don’t. Don’t stop right now.”

She needed noise. There was too much empty space. Background babble was better.

They looked mildly confused along with concerned, but nodded.

“It matters because I am not really an individual as humans understand it. I look like one, I can function like one, but I don’t have the morality of a single person. I have the morality - or perhaps the lack of morality - of a superorganism. Every semblance of manners and decency, I had to actively learn. I don’t have a human’s natural impulse to care for their kind, to slow down for others, to ask about their feelings.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Everyone has to learn those, Tuuya. Babies aren’t born knowing them. So what if you’re a little...” she tilted her hand back and forth. “...you know. You do those things. That’s what matters. Plenty of humans - and other species - suck balls at them.”

“How very utilitarian of you.” They replied, teasing approval in their voice before they sobered. “But lacking a natural tendency for warmth and kindness would be seen by many as unsettling and make my actions appear fake or hollow. Not an invalid view.”

“Oh my god.” The young woman groaned, stretching her arms out and extending her claws. “How does your head not hurt thinking about this all the time. Do you argue with yourself when you don’t have a class to hold captive? Is that why you teach, to have an audience who needs you for a grade?”

“Blast, you’ve found me out.” They said mock-sorrowfully, ears drooping for effect. “I became a professor because no one would hold still long enough to talk to me otherwise. Damned annoying having to keep tying them down.”

Jessica laughed much louder than she meant to. It wasn’t even that funny, it was just...she’d had such a long day, and it was ending with some sort of worm swarm being the person she had to rely on right now. What the fuck was her life.

How was this real? She felt like any moment Elly was going to walk through the door, the body they’d found had been someone else, and -

No. She couldn’t let herself live in denial. Elly was fucking dead, and they were going to find her killer, and Jessica was going to beat the shit out of them, claws and teeth and all. Human respectability could kiss her ass.

She didn’t realize she was sitting down until what felt like a while later. Maybe it was, maybe it had only been a few minutes. Time was weird now.

There was a blanket around her, fitting for the autumn chill. The half-Sphinx pulled it closer, more out of habit than anything.

A meal sat on the table in front of her, and judging by the coolness of the plate and the low-burning candle nearby, it had been there a while.

There was a note too, written in green ink, the handwriting swoopy and old-fashioned.

Jessica,

There’s a room for you if you want it, second down the hall on the left. But if you’d rather go back to your apartment, I understand. Find me in my study if you do, I’m grading papers. If you don’t want the food, just put the plastic bag around it so it doesn’t attract ants.

She thought of the empty, dirty apartment, where she could walk in and smell her sister’s deodorant hanging over the place. Where she could eat the ramen leftovers they’d made together two days ago, adding pork belly and garlic and making fun of each other for bad breath. She could sleep on the worn couch, uncomfortable but in a way she’d gotten used to over the last six months.

So quiet.

She takes a few bites of food (she hardly even tastes it) but wraps up the rest. She should probably put it in the fridge but can’t seem to find the energy, so she wanders into the room the vampire has left for her.

It’s a lot more modern than she expected from something - someone so old. But then, the antique furniture Elly always liked was expensive, and professors aren’t paid big bucks. Some people like to imagine all vampires are rich, but she’s always figured that was bull because not all sphinxes like riddles. She’s never seen the appeal.

You’re half-Sphinx, honey, she can hear her father’s gentle voice saying. Things are different for you.

The old man will probably never realize he’s just as bigoted as the people he enjoys ranting about. He thinks he’s such a saint because he doesn’t scream hate. Because he didn’t turn her out on the streets.

Tuuya would rethink their idea of goodness pretty fucking quick if they met him, she thinks acidly. No pride solidarity urges or human empathy for him.

Except when it came to Elly. Elly, who wasn’t his bio daughter, who wasn’t even half a Sphinx, but who could do no fucking wrong, apparently.

Fuck, no, what’s the matter with me? She screamed at herself. Elly was dead, why was she feeling this way? Not that she’d felt great about resenting her when she was alive, either, but...

She dragged her hands down her face, claws sheathing and baring as she tried to reconcile her roiling emotions. Then all the energy went out of her again. What was the point?

The bed was surprisingly comfortable as she flopped in it. Didn’t vampires not need to sleep? What did Tuuya keep an extra room for anyway? Who would even visit the weird old bloodsucker willingly?

God, I’m such a bitch, she thought to herself, half-amused and half-ashamed at her thoughts. They’ve done nothing but help me.

Then again, even they said they probably weren’t really good. But did it matter? Jessica hadn’t met a long list of people she’d actually call ‘good’. Polite was the best you could hope for. Polite and not too damn nosy.

Long as they don’t chew on me in the night, I don’t care, she decided. As long as they help me find the shitstain who did this, and then...

She decided to go to bed instead of thinking about the nebulous and very, very empty space after ‘and then’.