#destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[haneys]

may i hsve some info on MIAMI i think thats a cool namr...

MIAMI.... she makes me sick in my stomach. out of all the "important" people I know the least about her because I actually can't really be around her. Ok tw for everything reallt bc I csnt talk safely about her. discussion of scars, delusions, self destructive behavior, drugs etc. miami is a thin, "scrawly", young woman and the best way to describe her would be a shaking, coked up chuiauaua (like the dog) that's is very visibly messed up. no matter what her clothes seem to always be ragged, torn, burned or whatever the hell, her hair is a a poorly dyed red mop that is like a mullet? maybe? but it's really unkempt and matted even so I can't really tell. she has really short nails because she bites them. miami is, as lame as it sounds, a computer expert and I really wish I coukd explain better what she does but I know nothing abt computers, neither here nor there so um. </3 she encrypts things maybe possibly. I just know she's cooped up inside a lot, for many reasons. she's kind of useless when it comes to any sort of combat like yes she can shoot and she can swing a knife but everyone can do that, if it truly came to anyhting she'd be defenseless. that doesn't stop her from trying to get herself killed constantly though. she is like, clearly struggling with. things. that i cant even name. she's really, really suicidal but at the same time she believes that the gods sent her on a divine quest and thus she cannot die, even if she wants to, and she Really want to. she often melts down and lashes out at people to try and die to prove that "she is in charge of her own fate", and whenever that happens she's like, she'd do anyhting really, she'd jump at people with knives urging then to fight, she'll try to throw herself at the wild animals, like i dont wanna explain in more detail because it's awful. obviously we do not let her die and whether that is an act of kindness or cruelty is debatable and also making me really sad to contemplate. when she calms down she like barely holds it together and sadly she copes with sh a lot too so her whole body is covered in eariius scars and bruises because again she has no respect for her own safety. she's addicted to morphine too i think, that's what I've heard. raja once asked her straight up that if she wants to die so bad why not just shoot herself in the head right here right now and miami got really angry and tried to explain how raja doesn't get it and it literally wouldn't work, that her death has to be out of her control for it to mean something and prove that the "world isn't holding her here with some force" man i dont know. it's really, really bad for me to hear things like that miami scares me and fucks with my head, even if I wanted to empathize I just can't because like I'll always be more important to myself than other people so I avoid her at all cost. seeing her meltdowns and talks about divine forces makes me also melt down and et lost in my own delusions so like a perpetum mobile of misery and metall illness. I dont know if there's more to her because yeah im not allowed to be around her. Also obviously Miami isnt her real name, that's the case for most people really. I've heard that she can be a tad sad, but pleasant company when she's doing good but mostly she's either out of it, or not sober, or suffering relapses

[shiny-craboo-blog]

@rockformed​ replied to your post : i keep goin away for a long time but theres a good...

what asshole?? 👀👀👀👀👀

WHOOO lemme tell you this is a long one (sorry about any spelling errors i was tryna get this done quickly)

it was actually that guy that we played overwatch with together once.

ive known him since about december, but he was saying lots of homophobic and racist shit, so i was like eh might as well try to make him a better person, but to do that, you gotta get close, and i started liking him (literally @ past me why?????)

so i flirt a little here, giggle a little there, and he falls in love with me. i liked him too, but he liked me to a point where it was obsessive. he was telling me i saved his life and that out of everyone on earth im his favorite. i come out to him as trans one day, and after a lot of thinking, he was like “okay yeah im okay with this” and i was happy

however, like i said, he was really obsessive. he wouldnt let me play games with anyone else unless he was there, and when i tried to watch a show with one of our mutual friends, he gets all upset about it.

eventally, even though he liked me, he started being a real ass. i told him that i didnt really like him anymore and that i wanted to stay friends, and he turned it into this huge fight and ended it with “Forget it... Good night.” - and he used that phrase every (and “goodbye”) every time he wanted a conversation to sound final or like he was going to die if i didnt give him all my attention right then and there.

the fighting continued for a few months, during which he called me a sociopath, narcissistic, not worthy off being called a human being, and all that typa stuff. he started feeling suicidal - even though he felt that way before i met him, he started feeling it stronger because he didnt have me constantly fawning over him to ease it out - and he straight up told me that he blamed me for his feelings.

the fights got reaaalllll bad, and eventually he had a set day and time, and every time i said i was going to call his mom about it, he got really defensive and acted like i was attacking him, saying “dont test me” and shit

he became really emotionally manipulative and just flat out malicious tbh

the day came around and i blocked him because i didnt want to hear about it, and he started yet another fight. he didnt do anything though because half an hour later he came crawling back saying that he needed someone to talk to and that he had this whole change of heart and that he realized what his friends were worth and how he acted really shitty and that he was sorry

but he didnt change his behavior at all lmao

he kept arguing with me, so i started just. not joining as much and not talking to him as often and he got really pissy, asking me if i was talking to other people and accusing me of talking with this guy who he hates (the guy he hates left to make another server with all the people this guy was an asshole to so they could have a place where he wasnt there being a dick and the guy im telling you about acts like the victim whenever he talks about it like?? literally if u were a better friend they wouldnt have felt the need to?) (and i totally was talking to the guy bc the enemy of your enemy is your friend and all that) but he was a real ass about it. 

and saturday!! this saturday!!! he was an ass the moment i joined the call so i left and he got mad saying like “you know how i get upset when you leave the call” and i was like “i just??? dont wanna be there if ur gonna be mean to me the moment i join??” and he said

THIS BITCH

said

“its a guy thing to be mean to your friends. but i guess you wouldn’t know about that ;)”

so i blocked him. he texts me saying that hes been mean because his dads been on his back about college, and i said it wasnt an excuse. a few minutes later, someone from the server messages me sayin that nick said if i dont unblock him hes gonna ban me. so i unblocked him and asked for a reason why i should stay. this bitch. this ass. says “because i thought we were friends” LIKE BIIIIIIITCH PLEAAAAAAASE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WE AINT

anyway we fought for 3 hours and rather than giving me any good reasons to stay he called me stupid and said i misinterpreted the message like?? how else am i supposed to interpret it????????

so im staying, making him fall in love with me again, then leaving.

bonus: i made a list of the highlights of some of the shit things hes said to me

"Forget it... good night." "i used to trust everyone then the thing happened with my cousin so i stopped sharing myself or exposing myself. then i did over the years with kii then she backstabbed me. then ness and it happened again. i didnt trust anyone and still wasnt ok with sharing myself. then u stepped in and made me feel happy and wanted and like i could trust people. then you said you loved me like you did. i opened up and pursued and got lead on for 15 hours a day for a month up until i got enough courage to try to stand and speak open heartedly and with courage and the next day you lose all interest." "you know what? you obviously dont like me anymore. im over it you win. im done chasing. the goalposts always change. its over." "i cant stop chasing you. you are literally my favorite person on earth." "im doing this once a day from now on. wanna go out" "1 reason i got on ow. *1 reason i got on ow off my psych. guess it doesnt matter to you." “For the record the reason im mad all the time is because im fucking pissed at you but cant take it out for some reason.” “reason im so shit ight now is caught i thought i was at rock bottom and you took me up the mountain just to fling me off. forget it. good night." "youre still online. just gonna pretend im not here?" "hope this doesnt wake you up but sorry for being a cunt." "i still want to die haha. life sucks" "im sorry." me: you purposely did something to make me mad and then get upset when i get mad "im hald zoned in rn im getting killed by bad vibes but im not gonna make you mad ever again." "why did you fool me. i fight with you a lot now and its because of what you did to me and how ive lost my sense of self and all emotions because of you. but then i remember this is just how i usually am and being happy is what people are supposed to be like and im not so this is normal and only my fault so. i forgot where i was going with this but take care friend." "if it was the concept thing then why do i still love you." "i get upset because i have to actively avoid falling for you." "im only angry and mean to you because i dont understand my emotions." "im gonna kill myself saturday at 7:32 pm" (<<<this was two weeks ago hes fine now) "im not gonna do it i just want attention" "to keep it 100 i just said that so you wouldnt call anyone." "dont test me" "eat shit" "if youre trying to make me unfriend you its working" "actual human beings dont pull that bullshit. they suck it up and stick to their word or break the news to the other and dont drag them along." me: every humans a human regardless of whether or not they feel "theyre a human. not an actual human. theyre a human but not worthy of being called one." "in 3 months you managed to fuck with my emotions and make me want to kill myself more than kii did in 3 years." "i think this is the last conversation were gonna have. if you got anything important to say speak now or forever hold your peace. alright youre in overwatch and missed your chance." "have fun with your game hope its worth losing me over."

me: im going to call your mom and tell her right now "and say what? 'im a bad friend and now nick wont talk to me?'"

me: no. 'nicks planning on killing himself.' "and ill just say its someone im amd at trying to get revenge on me" "im not convinced that its not a whole thing made specifically to drive me to suicide." "in queue rather than fixing problems. typical. goodbye, asshole." "what if by trying to stop the outcome u saw you just pushed me away from one of the only people i trusted and now im on a path that ends in my inevitable self destruction." "no thats the depression but i am saying u took away what made me happy." "forget it, ill catch you later. apparently no goodbyes either lol." "bye oats." "the only thing you will ever love besides yourself is overwatch. bye." "are you there i just got back and i really need someone." "beause youre the middle man i guess and it was a test of allegiance i think in my mind." "idk i just feel like not many people actually like me deep down and its a shit thing of me to put that on others." "hows ness doing" "because im done walking on eggshells for you, snowflake. "its a guy thing to be a dick to your friends. guess u wouldnt understand ;)" "sorry for being a jerk. dad has been riding me all week and im mad all the time." "maybe you would get it if your dad ever punched you or woke you up by throwing shit at you." (i know for a fact his dad doesnt do this. there was a whole week where we were in a call 24/7 to see how long we could get one to last and his dad brings him dinner and plays xbox in the same room sometimes. i get that from an outside perspective this may seem mean to overlook, but if you knew this guy, you wouldnt put it past him to lie about shit like this just for attention.) "youre being such a baby over this. its not a big deal, its an argument." "considering you didnt write it id consider it awful stupid of you to think you can interpret it better than the author." "you dont know me"

[poison-prayer]

So... what’s your thoughts on overcoming awful coping mechanisms?

This is clearly a very important topic, and I’m sorry I didn’t answer this last night. Hopefully it didn’t come off like I was ignoring you. 

First of all, I want to establish something: I will not call them awful coping mechanisms. They are unhealthy coping mechanisms. Considering them ‘awful’ can sometimes lead to a feeling of guilt, which makes confronting these things harder. You shouldn’t feel guilty about your coping behavior, but you should have the desire to change it in order to be a healthier person physically or mentally. 

The first step in this process, like many, is to self-identify. What are your coping mechanisms? What are your triggers? How do these things impact your health or state of mind. Why are the coping mechanisms you use unhealthy? It’s important to be honest with yourself, here. It’s easy to say that a trigger you once had doesn’t bother you anymore, when that’s not necessarily true. We have to face the facts that we’re not well in order to get better. 

Re-arranging your way of thinking is always difficult, but it’s necessary for you to move away from the unhealthy behavior. This requires a combination of will, action, and the capacity to beat your feelings into submission (stay with me here!) 

A friend of mine has struggled with trauma and intrusive thoughts for several years, and has only recently learned to cope with them herself. She knows that it sounds a little like condescending, but she’s been dealing with her own mental illness for almost a decade and assures folks she talks to that she’s being genuine when she gives them this advice:

Tell yourself “no.” 

When we have thoughts that we know, logically, are unhealthy or destructive or self-depreciating, we can often be so caught up in these thoughts that it gets overwhelming. At this point it’s necessary to tell yourself, “no.” 

Your trauma was your fault. No. The only person to blame was who hurt you.

You deserve to feel like this. No. You wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, and you don’t deserve it either. 

Your trauma has impacted your self-worth. No. Your self-worth is not dependent on what happened to you. 

Now, when you start this exercise, your mind is going to instinctively fight back. You’re going to tell yourself you’re only saying no because you want to lie to yourself. At this point, you have to push back even harder. Don’t stop telling yourself no, even if you’re convinced it’s a lie.

It sounds too simple to work, but it will. Eventually you will be able to re-wire your thinking. Those self-depreciating thoughts will still crop up from time to time, but you will be able to identify them as outliers, now. 

Once you identify what your unhealthy coping mechanism is, why it’s unhealthy, and learn how to tell yourself no, you can start to combat your behavior. 

You have to admit to yourself that there are some unhealthy coping mechanisms that you can’t handle on your own, and seek professional counseling or treatment for them. While I’m always here to support you, I won’t pretend to be qualified to help you overcome addiction. 

However, for unhealthy coping mechanisms that are rooted in the thought process, you can use these skills to restructure the way you cope. Identify the unhealthy coping mechanism, and tell yourself, “no, this is not something I can rely on.” 

It probably won’t work at first! Rewiring your thought process rarely does. But eventually, just as with everything else, you will come to believe it and understand that your old thinking was a result of trauma. This is a huge step in healing. 

This isn’t to say that you should remove your coping mechanisms all together, or that having one is bad. But over time you can learn to replace this behavior with something healthier. There are alternatives to negative coping mechanisms, though most of them sound cliche, like reading a book, cooking, or finding safe alternatives to self-harm. But by associating these positive new behaviors with the act of coping, you will eventually draw a genuine bridge between the two, and be able to move away from your unhealthy habits or ideologies. 

We naturally seek patterns in the world around us. It’s part of our evolution. That’s why I’m telling you all this. Because when your brain begins to notice the positive effect that the new coping mechanisms have on you, it will make that association, recognize that pattern, and accept it as new information. You can effectively condition yourself to make the association. 

Now, please understand - if you are struggling with unhealthy coping mechanisms, and want to change your behavior or way of thinking, you’re more than entitled to support. You’re allowed to ask for help, you’re allowed to seek a professional who you can confide in and work with to find a better way to cope and heal. 

I want to remind everyone, please. I will always be here for you! I truly will. I will always try to help, and this will always be a safe place to come to for advice, I promise. But I can only offer so much. I will support you, but sometimes supporting you means urging you to see someone with more of a professional background than I have. 

If this is something that you struggle with, something that is deeply upsetting you, that you find you’re unable to handle by yourself or with the support of friends and family alone, then you deserve to be able to seek professional help. This is your health we’re talking about - yes, it is. - and your health is important. Your mental health is important. You’re important, and if you’re hurting I only want to see you get better. 

Ha!! Sorry this got so long! I guess I let myself get a little carried away, here!! But still, I hope I could this can help you - or anyone reading who might need it.