uncloseted - Tumblr blog

[uncloseted]

one time i sent you a reply trying to be helpful, but i think you interpreted as me trying to be snide or sarcastic, and i felt very hurt by your response.

Oh, I hate that! I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I try my best to assume that everything I get sent is meant in good faith and to respond accordingly. I think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.

That said, I’ve answered almost 40,000 questions over the last ten years. Sometimes an ask will seem like it’s obviously a joke or in bad faith, or the way the person has written their ask ends up pushing my buttons (to no fault of their own, really), or I’m just having a bad day personally and not on my best behavior. All I can really say is that I want this to be a place where people feel safe, and I’m working on getting better at doing that every day.

[uncloseted]

how can I get more out of my days? idk if my expectations are too high or I'm lazy but I feel like I don't do anything with my life besides work. I see my peers with side projects and their days are packed with stuff to do. I do the bare minimum and I'm exhausted and I lay there for hours scrolling tiktok and doing nothing with my life

I think energy is kind of like a muscle. The more we do, the more we get used to doing, and the easier it is to do more. In that spirit, I would try to identify something you actually want to do (not something you feel like you *should* do), and just do five minutes of it after work. Maybe after five minutes you feel bored of it and end up scrolling on TikTok. That's totally fine! You got five minutes of something done! But usually, once we start something, it's easier to keep doing it. And if we're enjoying it, the next day we'll want to go back to doing it, and we can start to build up some momentum, and after a little bit of time it just becomes the default activity for after work. Having somewhere that you're expected to be can also help, whether that's a class, a group, or hanging out with friends. If you've put money down or if there are other people expecting you to show up, it's (mentally) harder to cancel than if you're trying to get yourself to do something at home.

[uncloseted]

how do you deal with envy? I find myself envious of people who seem to have great lives or stable minds or better childhoods than I did. sometimes i want to be like these girls so badly i become unhappy for their happiness or i want to be liked by them so badly i act desperate, how can i be happy and grateful when i don't have anything i want? or anything i need in a way, somethings i simply can't get, like stable families or naturally pretty faces or childhoods back

I feel like this answer is going to simultaneously feel too simple and impossible to do, but I really do think the way to handle envy is to practice gratitude. Our brains pay attention to the things that we train them to think are important. So when we focus on other people, what they have, and what we're lacking in relation to them, that's what our brains start to label as "important" and it's what they'll automatically start paying attention to. On the flip side, if we focus on the things that we're grateful for, our brains label those things as important and automatically start to look for other things to be grateful for. And in the process of looking for things to be grateful for, our brains start to ignore what other people have that we don't.

Obviously that's easier said than done, and like a lot of things I've been talking about on here lately, I think it's a process that will take time. I would maybe start by just taking a few minutes every day to notice things that are good, even if they're small. For example, for me today, it's a beautiful day outside and I don't have any obligations so I can do whatever I want with my day. There's a plumber coming to fix my dripping tap, which I'm super grateful for because it means that I have my own place to live that has indoor plumbing that I can afford without stressing, and it has a really kind and thoughtful handyman. I'm grateful that we have to call the plumber because I know that he and the handyman are friends, and it gives them an excuse to hang out. I'm grateful that when I feel like it, there are a bunch of places within walking distance where I can go grab a snack. I'm grateful for the mug my friend gave me for my birthday because she knew I really wanted it even though I kept telling her not to get it. I'm grateful that I have the vast world of information that is the internet and that it means I get to connect with all of you.

Lots of things in the world suck. There will probably always be some things in the world that suck, at least a little bit. But a lot of those things- things that are in the past or that are fixed parts of who we are- aren't within our control to change, and so focusing on them will only serve to drive us crazy. Not to quote the Serenity Prayer, but I do think it's important to change the things that we can and accept the things that we can't. Sometimes things are just out of our control and I think that in those cases, all we can really do is try to find ways to move forward, whether that's through recognizing the good that there still is in our lives or trying to find other ways to meet our needs.

[uncloseted]

My friend likes this guy and she invited him into our group discord lol and I found it so annoying. Love her but I can't stand when people have a crush on someone and they decide this person needs to infiltrate every part of their life, even the parts that are private to other relationships with people such as your friendships. It's so weird bc he isn't even her boyfriend yet, yet he needs to be in our private server that's always just been us?

Also on my friend who had her crush join the server: well since no one wants him to feel awkward or left out (he just randomly joined and she didn't ask us) everyone is chatting w him and trying to get to know him, but now she's jealous that he is becoming aquatinted with everyone. Lol -_-

That's super annoying for sure. It seems to me like she's kind of struggling to figure out what she wants and how she wants to handle this relationship, and the rest of you are getting caught in the crossfire. Have you tried talking with her about it? She may just have done it without really thinking about how everyone else would feel, and so she might not realize that it's making you uncomfortable.

[uncloseted]

because Effy's quiet, do you think people 'forget' about her? Forget they need to do some thing for her or that she's standing there? I'm quiet like Effy and people always forget about me. My boss and college professors forget to give me feedback (but they will remember for everyone else), my friends forget I'm there with them. I don't know if it's a universal thing quiet people experience or I'm simply a forgettable person

I think in general, Effy is kind of a hard person to forget for reasons that are unrelated to being quiet or not. But I do think this is something a lot of quiet people experience- people tend to focus on those who are commanding attention and sometimes don’t remember that there are other people who need their attention as well. I think there’s kind of an assumption of, “if you’re not trying to get my attention, you’re probably fine and I don’t need to worry about you,” even though that’s not always the case.

[uncloseted]

Thank you for everything Christina, I hope you have a lovely day <3

Thank you! I'm having a great day and I hope you are too!

[uncloseted]

What inspires you to answer questions on tumblr? You put so much effort into giving the best answers to people’s problems, I’ve never seen anyone like you on this app!! 🫂

Honestly, I just like being helpful! And answering people's questions is always a nice excuse to procrastinate doing my own work 😂

[uncloseted]

what do you think is the psychology behind these friendships? I've known a few people who will meet someone and become fast friends with them and the friendship goes from 0 to 100. They are now streaming together daily or hanging out daily, in each others social media and calling each other bestie. Then one day it just stops. It's like the obsession ends and they fizzle out so fast. A few months later the behaviour repeats itself with a shiny new person. I don't understand these relationships

One of my closer friends was like this and seeing them borderline in love one day and then the next second this person is annoying them and doing everything wrong. I'm not sure if it's like that for all of these relationships but it's baffling how quickly the escaulate and then end, and how it's repeat behaviour. The friendships only ever last a couple of weeks to months before the person they were obsessed with disappears then there's a gap of a few months before someone new takes that place

It depends on the person, but I think for a lot of people who experience friendships that way, it has to do with idealizing the people around them. Kind of in the same way that people form parasocial relationships with celebrities and have this idea of what it would be like to spend time with that celebrity, I think some people do that with friendships as well.

People come up with an idea of what their new friend is like, what they'll do together, how their friendship will evolve, and generally assign them traits that they may or may not actually have. They assume that their new friend is just like them, totally understands them, and/or can make up for their own shortcomings. When you have two people that are idealizing their new friend, it can become really easy for them to spend all their time together and make long-term plans really quickly. But the more time they spend together, the more they realize that their new friend is just a person with their own flaws, and the friendship falls apart because the person "isn't who I thought they were".

When that happens, the person starts looking for a new person to idealize, and the pattern starts over again. These types of friendships will always fail because people are just people, but I think the types of people who are prone to these relationships always believe that the next person will be the perfect friend they're looking for.

[uncloseted]

I used to think I had ADHD bc it's so hard for me to get schoolwork done, but Ive realized that I really just procrastinate bc I'm scared of starting an assignment and failing. I mainly procrastinate on essays and projects bc it's usually a challenge and also a sum of everything you have learned in class, and I get scared because I feel like I'm not equipped to do it. So I avoid avoid avoid and do it last minute. Sometimes I get really good marks actually! So it proves that I am actually

Equipped to do the assignment even if I do it super late. But, I'm wondering how I can drill into my head to just DO the thing and not be terrified that I'm going to fail and avoiding it for fear of confronting the truth that I'm a "failure" and can't do the assignment (logically I know this isn't true but emotionally my brain automatically doesn't believe it).

Yes! Perfectionism is such a huge reason why people procrastinate and I don't think people talk about it nearly as much as they should.

The first thing I would do when dealing with procrastination from perfectionism is to remind yourself that the outcome of your work isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. You can be loved and worthy even if you aren't perfect at everything you do. I think oftentimes, people who struggle with perfectionism feel like being perfect at things is a necessary part of their identity, but we aren't our successes and failures. Letting go of the idea that the outcome of tasks define us makes it easier to complete work. And when you do fail at things, try to reframe what that means in your mind. Instead of "failing this exam means I'm a failure as a person", maybe try reframing it as "failure is a normal part of life. If I never fail, then I'll never be able to grow."

When you're starting an assignment, try and set reasonable goals and standards for yourself. Of course you want to give each assignment your best and get 100% on everything, but what's the bare minimum that would get you to achieve your goal? If you have a class you're taking, what's the bare minimum that you would need to get on this assignment and still pass the class? Figuring out what would be good enough can help to combat that feeling that the world is ending when an assignment isn't perfect. It can also help you to get started, since you can remind yourself that it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to get done. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and remind yourself that you can always go through it again at the end and improve it if you need to.

In terms of general anti-procrastination strategies, there are a few things you can try:

Break your task into small, manageable steps that you can check off a list. These can be as simple as "open document" and "write name at the top of the paper". The more little tasks you do successfully, the more you'll feel like you can do.

Commit to only doing a little bit. Maybe you'll just do one step that's on your list, or you'll do two minutes of work. Usually, after that time is up, you'll feel like you've gotten over the hump of starting a new task and you can keep going. But if not, let yourself take a break. You've at least gotten a little something done, which is better than nothing.

Reward your progress. Once you get to pre-set milestones in the task you're going (like you've finished five of the small steps on your list, or you've finished writing a paragraph of an essay), give yourself a little treat. It sounds silly, but if you can train yourself to associate doing work with getting a treat, it's easier to start doing the work.

And more than anything else, I think it's important to be kind to yourself. If you had a friend that was struggling the way that you are now, what would you say to them? You'd tell them that they're capable of completing the assignment and even if it doesn't go well, they're not a failure of a person, right? Try to talk to yourself that same way when you're trying to get through doing an assignment. It will feel silly at first, but the more that we practice kindness and compassion towards ourselves, the easier it becomes to do it, and the more we believe the things we tell ourselves.

[uncloseted]

Am I a lesbian if I don't connect with men emotionally and never have? I think men are hot but never men irl, just celebrity ones. But I think women are stunning and I can connect with them no problem. I thought I was bi for years but at this point I've only had 2 boyfriends and I'm already 24. I never connect well with them, and sex kind of feels like a chore. I know I don't have to label myself, but I want to, I just can't figure out what is right. I love kissing women and dating them is amazing it makes me feel all butterflies and giggly, but with men it's like nothing. It makes me feel like I'm broken. Do a lot of queer/lesbian women start out feeling like this????

Personally, I feel like labels should be practical rather than existential. I think "lesbian" doesn't necessarily have to mean "I am physically and spiritually incapable of having sexual or romantic feelings for men and will never be capable of that" but more like "I have no intention of dating men at this point in my life." I think a lot of queer and lesbian women experience this feeling of, "well theoretically I could find a man attractive," but in practice, it just doesn't work for them, and that's okay. I would also highly recommend reading through the "Am I a Lesbian" masterdoc, which deals with this question of how you know you're a lesbian in a society where heterosexuality is compulsory.

[uncloseted]

I always feel like when you answer questions about Effy, is it more Gen 2 Effy than Gen 1? Of course, the person is the same, but there is a difference...

Yes! Usually I'm focused on Gen 2 Effy. I do that because in gen 1 she's really more of a supporting character and we don't get much insight into who she is as a person- there's just not a lot to go off of.

[uncloseted]

Is this a good business casual outfit for an interview? Long sleeve black bodysuit, maroon corduroy pants/slacks, and a black vest. I was also gonna wear some flats, either velvet mary Jane style or some pointed toe ballet flats, both black.

I think it depends on a bunch of different factors, like the cut of the clothes and what industry the interview is in.

For example, a bodysuit like the on on the left would be totally fine, but one like the one on the right would be inappropriate:

Or the pants on the left would probably be fine, but the right might be too casual:

I would try to see what the company's dress code looks like, and, if you can, try to match what the people who work there wear. Business casual is usually things like blouses, blazers, sheath dresses, dress pants, and knee-length skirts, but some workplaces are more casual than others.

[uncloseted]

I still don’t understand why Kaya suits Effy’s style so much more than overtly sexy outfits that seem to be designed to seduce?

I think part of it is that the outfits Kaya wears in Skins suit her body type better than a sexier outfit would. In Skins, Kaya was still a teenager and her body was still growing, so I think "sexy" clothes would seem like they were trying to highlight features that weren't really there. I think it's also that the clothes really fit with who the character is- she's not trying to be sexy, she just is. If you put Effy in "sexy" clothes, I think it would seem like she was trying too hard and it would ruin the effect.

[uncloseted]

How do I stop crying during pms? I will burst into tears at the drop of a hat for no reason and it's embarrassing because I'm otherwise a very unemotional person. I try and avoid triggers but when I'm tired or stress I can't stop the tears

To a degree, crying during PMS is normal. There are a lot of theories for why this happens, but it seems like getting poor sleep, not exercising, and eating a different diet than you normally do might contribute. Eating fatty fish or other foods high in omega-3 fatty acids, avoiding salty foods, gently exercising (even if it's just walking), turning off electronics an hour before bedtime, cutting out caffeine in the evening, and making sure your bedroom is cool and dark can help to combat some of those causes. But if you find that your emotions are impacting your ability to live your life, you may have a more intense version of PMS called PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). If that's the case, I would talk to your doctor about it. They can prescribe medications that can help ease the symptoms of PMDD.

[uncloseted]

what is your bedtime/nighttime routine?

It really depends on the day, but this is what I try to do. I start winding down around 2 hours before I actually go to sleep. Lately that means taking a shower, then drinking a Sleepy Girl mocktail (I don't know if it really does anything for sleep, but most people can use more dietary fiber and magnesium and I like how they taste) while watching an episode of TV and waiting for my hair to dry. Then I put on my pajamas, do my skincare, turn on my air purifier, which puts out a lavender sleep scent, close my blackout curtains, set my alarm, and read something that's kind of calming until I feel sleepy. I try to sleep from 12-8ish. It's not super exciting or anything, but it works.

[uncloseted]

decades of chewing food only with my left jaw has made it wayyy stronger than my right. there's now a noticeable asymmetry between my right and left jaw and it's impacting my self-esteem. i'm trying to chew more using my right jaw but it's a slow process. are there any other things i can do to even out this asymmetry? thank you

I'm not sure how well it works, but you can try doing jawline exercises. Put your index finger and your middle finger on your chin. Then gently apply pressure and try opening your mouth while resisting the pressure. Hold it for a new seconds and then repeat it. Since it targets your jaw muscles, it may help to build the muscles on your right side.

There are also non-surgical cosmetic procedures you could try. Getting Botox may help relax the muscles on the left side of your face and make it look more symmetrical with the right side. You could also get fillers on the right side to make it look more similar to the left side. If you want to go down this route, your best bet would be to book consultations with a few different aestheticians and see what they recommend.

[uncloseted]

i think the important question here is what would effy think about taylor swift releasing a song called clara bow

I feel like she wouldn't even know despite the fact that Taylor Swift is everywhere all the time. But if she did I feel like there would be a little bit of like, "well I was a fan of her first."