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sometimes my boyfriend says something nice about a female celebrity and it makes me feel kinda jealous. i dont like it when he says that someone else is hot. does that make me toxic?

I don’t think that makes you toxic at all! I think that even though it’s really natural to think other people are attractive when you’re in a relationship, it’s also really natural to feel jealous when you know your partner feels that way about someone else.

I think how much of a problem it is depends on how your boyfriend is saying these things and how much it bothers you. If he’s constantly pointing out people he finds attractive, comparing you to them, or doing it even though he knows it makes you uncomfortable (or because it makes you uncomfortable) that might suggest that something else is going on that you might need to work through. And on the flip side, if it’s something he mentions in passing once in a while but you end up ruminating on it for days after, that might suggest something else is going on that you might need to work through. But if it’s more like he mentions that he thinks celebrities are pretty in passing every once in a while and you feel a twinge of jealousy before moving on, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that at all.

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Do u think effy was ever insecure of having a small chest?

I don’t think so. In general, she seems pretty secure with how she looks, and I think she knows that boys are attracted to her the way she is so she doesn’t really have any reason to feel like she should look different.

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Which high-fashion brands do you see Effy gravitating toward the most?

Alexander McQueen, Rick Owens, and Saint Laurent are the brands that come to mind for me, since they all have their own versions of edgy that I think she would be drawn to. I could also see Ann Demeulemeester and Vivienne Westwood making their way into her wardrobe. And it’s not necessarily a high fashion brand like these other ones, but I could see her wearing a lot of All Saints as well.

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Do u think Effy would ever go on Love Island? If so, why? And if we imagine her being there, how do you think she’d act and how would others perceive her?

I don’t think she could ever be on a show like that. For one thing, it doesn’t seem like she likes reality TV - on her series 1 E4 profile she says that “I THINK ALL BIG BROTHER CONTESTANTS SHOULD BE GIVEN BLOWJOBS” which suggests to me that she thinks the whole thing is kind of inane and that people wouldn’t be on those shows if they had better things to do with their lives. Plus, she’s such a private person that I think the idea of being on tv like that would be really uncomfortable for her and she wouldn’t be willing to play into the drama that makes shows like that fun to watch. If she somehow ended up on a show like that anyway, I think she’d mostly keep to herself and probably be perceived as boring from the audience’s perspective. I know a lot of people have this idea of Effy as being a guy magnet in general, but I think the reality is that the Cook/Freddie/JJ thing was such a particular situation that was about much more than just Effy, so I don’t know how accurate perception of her actually is.

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hi

Hi!

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I just wanna say thank you for your amazing iconic math and for putting me at ease. Miraculously, I wasn’t tested for anything, and the next time I go in for anything will be at the end of the week, which will already be 10 days at that point. I start work on Monday which will be 13 days, nearly two weeks. I think I am safe 😭😭 Thank you so much. I was so anxious because I never do drugs or anything EVER and thought my life was ruined. You’re a life saver, Christina!

Thank you so much! I’m glad to hear it worked out. You’re definitely safe, nothing to worry about at all!

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i feel like a loser but i get weirdly hurt when people unfollow me on ig, like i dont have a ton of followers so when people unfollow it's really noticble and since it's a small number that means someone i do know/follow back unfollowed me, so it's not like another random, it's someone i know

I think that makes total sense, and I don't think it's a loser thing at all. None of us like finding out that someone isn't interested in us, even when it's someone we don't know or whose opinion doesn't really matter to us. It's even harder when it's people you know or are familiar with. Our brains interpret that kind of thing as a social rejection, and that's hard for any person to deal with. But whether people follow you or not isn't a reflection of your worth or value as a person, and people could be unfollowing for all sorts of reasons that aren't really related to how much they like you. They could be curating their feed, they could be going through something and getting rid of lots of accounts, or maybe there's a type of content you're posting that they aren't vibing with. They may enjoy your physical company, but for whatever reason aren't interested in connecting with you digitally.

Other than that, I would suggest trying to shift your focus to the things that are positive - both about yourself and about the interactions you have with other people. Who are the people who have stayed following you, who regularly interact with your posts and stories, who start conversations with you? Aren't those people, who can recognize how awesome you are, more important than the people who don't get it? In my own life, sometimes I get bummed that this blog doesn't have the interaction it used to, or that it's not really growing the way I would want it to. But then I think about all of the nice messages I've gotten and the people who really do like what I post here, and that feels way more important than having tons of people who only kind of like reading what I have to say. I think sometimes there's a benefit to having a smaller community of people who really like you as opposed to a bigger community that's not really paying attention.

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Last week I got blackout drunk with my bff and she shotgunned her pen/vape smoke into my mouth twice, should I be worried about this showing up on a drug test? I didn’t smoke directly and I’m not a smoker at all. I have a test tomorrow. Please help!

I thought this was going to be a question that just has an answer somewhere on the internet, but it turns out the search results are overwhelmed by rehab centers that claim any amount of smoking in your entire life ever will show up on a drug test 😭 So let's do some of my favorite thing, back of the napkin math (that sounds sarcastic but I swear it's not, I love trying to solve puzzles like this). Here's what I could find:

There are a few factors that go into the answer for this question. The first is the type of test - urine testing, hair testing, saliva testing, and blood testing all have different levels of sensitivity. The type of weed (I'm assuming we're talking about weed here, and not a nicotine or like, DMT vape pen or something) will also make a difference, as well as your height, weight, and age. For the purposes of this ask, I'm going to assume it's a urine test since that's the most common, and that you're of average height and weight.

Generally for a urine test for an infrequent smoker, you'll test positive for 3-5 days after smoking. So the quick answer is that you should definitely be fine since you ingested the weed a week ago. If you're someone who has high body fat, that time period might be longer, but I don't think it will make a significant difference.

That said, I did a lot of reading, so forgive me for giving you the longer answer as well. 50 ng/mL is the typical threshold for a positive result, although some, more sensitive labs, use a threshold of 20 ng/mL instead. So then the question is, how much weed would you have to be exposed to in order to hit that 50 ng/mL threshold? In order to figure out the concentration of THC in your body at any given time, we have to (I think) take the concentration of the weed at consumption, multiply it by Euler’s number to the power of the elimination rate constant times the time since ingestion.

A vape pen delivers between 2-5 milligrams of THC per puff, and if you're doing a blowback, you're only getting 30-40% of the THC that someone who's smoking directly would. So that puts you between 0.6 - 2 milligrams of THC per blowback, or 1.2 - 4 milligrams total. That's our first number. THC has a half-life of half-life of around 1 to 3 days, which is the elimination rate, and then we'll say 168 hours is the time since ingestion. I'm bad at math but I think that gives us between 0.49–2.2ng/mL, depending on how strong the pen was, how much you actually absorbed, and your daily urine output. That's well under the threshold for any urine test.

Gradually drinking a lot of water over the course of a few hours may help to dilute the urine and reduce the amount of THC that's present, but labs also check for dilution by measuring creatinine levels, so they may ask you to re-take the test at a later date.

There are also a few innocuous things, such as proton-pump inhibitors like Prilosec and hemp-seed bars or help seed oil, that will sometimes create a false positive result on a THC drug test, so that may be a plausible deniability option should anyone here wind up needing that.

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Hi! I hope this question isn't too demanding or anything, but I'm at my 3rd CC right now, and I'm actually doing pretty well at it, for the first time ever. At the first two, I spent way too long there, and my grades were horrible! Like academic probation level awful, but I want to transfer to a university, but some are looking at my complete CC history, not just the one I'm currently at, and though my GPA is good now, the last two were AWFUL, is there anything I can do ?:(

No worries at all! I'm happy to help. My understanding is that universities do look at your total GPA (so all of the classes you took the first and second time, plus the classes you're taking now). However, they'll typically consider your current academic performance to be the strongest indicator of success, and so they'll weight your current GPA and your upward trajectory more than your bad grades from the past. If you retake some of the classes you did poorly in last time, that may help, since a lot of schools won't count a poor grade if you retake the class and pass it.

Depending on where you are, your school may also have people who can support you throughout the transfer process and help you figure out your best options. In California, for example, you're guaranteed admission to a California State University school if you have at least a 2.0 GPA and have completed an associate's degree at a community college. For the University of California schools, Davis, Irvine, Merced, Riverside, Santa Barbara, and Santa Cruz have guaranteed admission if you meet their minimum GPA (3.0–3.5, depending on the school). Your state may have a similar program where, if you can meet a minimum GPA, you'll be automatically accepted.

Lastly, I would use the essay portion of the application to explain why you had poor performance initially, what you changed to be able to be successful now, and to emphasize your current work ethic, goals, and strong performance recently. If you can focus on growth and academic turnaround in your essay, the admissions committee will be more likely to take those things into account when making a decision about your application.

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are there other celebrities u can think of with a similar body shape as kaya/effy?

I think this is actually kind of two different questions. Celebrities with a similar body type to Effy (Kaya at 14-18 years old) look very different than celebrities with a similar body type to 33 year old Kaya Scodelario who's had two kids. Obviously neither of those are a bad thing, but just different to one another.

For Effy, I would maybe say celebrities like Lily Rose Depp, Keira Knightley, Natalie Portman, and Kristen Sterwart have the same kind of narrow frame and long limbs that Effy has.

For Kaya now, I think there's more softness and curve in her body than there used to be when she was a teenager (also as a side note, I think I was wrong when I said she looks like a Kibbe Soft Classic. I think she may actually be a Soft Dramatic). Rachel Weisz, Eva Green, and Hailee Steinfeld come to mind as people who may have a similar body type.

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this is kinda weird, but how do i make friends with an ig mutual 😭 we follow the same people and each other and i want to make friends in the area im planning to move too.

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any tips for making friends with people you don't know super well or are just mutuals with you on social media?

I struggle with this, too! I feel like I have no idea what the unspoken etiquette of instagram is. But in general, I think the best way to do it is just to try to interact with the person. If they post that they're at a movie that you've seen, you can comment/message them and be like, "I just saw that movie, wasn't the ending crazy?" or "have you seen [movie title]? if you liked [movie they went to see], I feel like you'd really like it." If they post themselves at a restaurant, you could be like "did you end up liking it? I've been meaning to check it out for a while". You could even message her with specific questions about the place you're moving to - "I'm actually moving to your city soon and I was curious what you think the best neighborhoods/restaurants/bars/whatever are".

If you reach out a few times and they're consistently receptive, then eventually you can move on to, "hey, I saw this thing that made me think of you" and eventually "hey, do you want to come do [thing that we share in common] with me?" Don't overdo it or anything, and if they're consistently not responding I would leave them alone, but I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to initiate a conversation with them based on stuff they're sharing publicly. If you have any mutual friends (not just mutual people that you follow), you could also ask the friend to introduce you directly so you can skip some of the awkwardness.

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Hey! Any new book recs?

Honestly I’ve been kind of behind on my reading lately, but I’ve been really liking the works of NK Jemisen, particularly her “Great Cities” and “Broken Earth” series. If you haven’t read them already, I also really like the work of Becky Chambers, especially her “Monk & Robot” novellas. I just finished “Gifted & Talented” by Olivie Blake and really liked that - her books are kind hit or miss for me and I think a lot of the times she starts off strong but doesn’t stick the landing, but this one really worked for me. And I’m going to Japan later this year so now I’m trying to binge the Banana Yoshimoto books that I haven’t read yet - she’s always a favorite for me. If anyone else has recommendations, I would love to hear them. I’ve been having trouble getting into books lately.

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I just applied for nursing school as a 25 year old still living with her family. I haven’t told anyone, just my boyfriend. I graduated in 2023 with my bachelors in English but haven’t been able to find jobs that pay well enough, so I’m doing something else (I live in an agricultural / medical heavy area in rural USA). Do you have any general life advice for me or tips? Or also how I can not feel like a fraud or guilty? I attempted a semester of nursing school when I was 21 and did well but my adhd was so bad I had to withdrawal). I’m going to have to take out loans and apply for scholarships to afford it (it’ll be about $10k total when it’s all said and done) but I think it’s what’s best in the long run so I have a shot at a life with more money than I do now (which is basically none, pay check to pay check with about $20 to spare after all my bills) and being able to save up for a good future with my boyfriend. Thank you Christina!

Apologies I didn't get to this question sooner! I've been having kind of a rough go of it and I wanted to make sure I had time to sit down and answer this thoughtfully.

Anyway, congratulations on taking the first step to a new career! You're doing something really brave for yourself, and I think you're making a smart decision. Nursing is a great option since there's currently a huge shortage of nurses and the need for nurses is growing, especially in rural areas. I've actually been considering retraining to go into a medical field myself because it's much more stable than other types of work.

I don't think there's any shame in switching career paths or realizing that what you thought you wanted to do was unsustainable. In fact, that's the norm - the average American has 12 different jobs by the time they're 55, and some research suggests that that's over 7 different careers. Plus, 25 is still incredibly young to start something new, and I actually think you'll probably be on the young side for your nursing program. Around 62% of people in ADN programs and 22% of people in BSN programs are over the age of 25. And even if you are on the older side for your program, you'll be at most 6 or 7 years older than the other people in your classes. While that can feel like a lot, I think in reality, there's not a huge difference between someone who's 21 and someone who's 25, especially when you're in the same stage of life and working on achieving the same goal. Plus, I think your previous degree will actually help you on this new career path. Getting an English degree helped you learn how you learn best, what kinds of routines and study habits work for you, and what you need to do in order to guarantee your success. The younger people in your program won't have that, and I think it will allow you to be more successful this time than the last time you tried nursing school.

As far the finances go, I think it's a really good investment, even if it is expensive upfront. There are programs that help people in healthcare careers pay off their student debts, so you could potentially be debt-free within two years of graduating. You can also look into the health systems that are local to you - sometimes they'll sponsor nursing students in exchange for work once you graduate (which means that you also end up with a guaranteed job).

As far as general life advice or tips, I don't know if there's much I can add here that you haven't seen on this blog a million times before. But from my perspective, I think the most important thing for you right now is to try and celebrate your accomplishments instead of comparing yourself to other people or a platonic idea of how you should be living your life. Everyone's journey is different, and there's no such thing as being "behind" in life. There are just experiences and what we learn from them. Even situations that end up not working out are important because they help us learn what we don't like and what doesn't work for us. I think by focusing on the things you're doing right (knowing when a situation isn't working for you and taking steps to change it! Being thoughtful about what a good next step would be and following through on pursuing it!) and not what you feel like you're doing wrong, you'll be more satisfied with your decision.

Good luck! I'm sure you've got this, but if you need any other advice or have any other questions, I'm always here to help.

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My boyfriend is the jealous type even tho i dont give him reasons to. Sometimes he gets frustrated that when im out with my friends i run into some guy that used to be interested in me. The thing is, i never dated them and never was interested in them. But the way my boyfriend talks to me makes me feel guilty, even if i didnt do anything wrong. I invite him everytime im going out, but sometimes he would rather stay at home. I told him that the accusations from him make me feel bad and guilty +

even if i didnt do anything wrong. I invite him everytime im going out, but sometimes he would rather stay at home. I told him that the accusations from him make me feel bad and guilty, almost as he is waiting the worst from me. When i told him that, it made him feel guilty and he seemed sad. Idk what to do

That's such a hard situation to be in because I'm not sure there's anything you could say or do that would change the way your boyfriend feels. Relationships are built on trust, and it seems like your boyfriend is struggling with being able to trust you, even if you haven't done anything to deserve that. He may be open to discussing his trust issues and working on them as a couple, but he also may not be ready to address them yet, and if that's the case, you may have to think about whether this is something you feel you can handle long-term without sacrificing your friendships or sense of self.

If you do want to talk to him about it, I would try to say something like, "I love spending time with you and I want you to feel that you can trust me. I know that feeling jealous sucks, and it's totally normal to feel insecure sometimes. I'm not mad that you're feeling jealous. But when you act frustrated or hurt about me spending time with platonic friends, I feel like you don’t trust me, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. That really hurts my feelings. I need you to be able handle those feelings of jealousy without making me feel guilty for things I didn’t do. If it helps, we can work out ways to make you feel more secure when I'm out with my friends. Maybe I could be more open about my plans or check in with you when I'm out?"

Like I was talking about in my last post, I think trying to be empathetic and understanding about where he's coming from, letting him know how you feel without being accusatory, and offering a solution can be a way to ease the tension that comes along with difficult conversations. If he reflects on his own emotions and starts working on changing his behavior, that's a good sign. But if he keeps reacting the same way and then making you feel guilty about it, that might be an indicator that he's not emotionally ready for a relationship right now, and it may be worth rethinking if this is a situation you want to continue being in.

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what is the best way to communicate without sounding like an accusation?

I think being able to disagree or argue productively is a really important skill to have, so I'm glad you asked this question!

The first thing I would suggest is using "when you...I feel...because..." statements. When doing this, you should state what the person is doing that you want to discuss, then identify your feeling, connect that feeling to an issue, and propose a potential solution. While stating what the person is doing that bothers you, try not to use words like "always" or "never", since those can make the person feel defensive from the get-go.

In practice, "when you...I feel..." might look like, "I know you don't mean it maliciously, but when you cancel plans at the last minute, I feel like you don't care about me as much as I care about you. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would tell me up front if you don't want to do something," or "I appreciate that you're trying to make things easier by taking the reins, but when you make plans without consulting me, I feel frustrated and like you think my opinion doesn't matter. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would ask me before making plans for both of us."

These types of statements are helpful because they center your feelings rather than centering the behavior. This makes it easier to get away from one person trying to fact check in the conversation ("you said I never consult you on plans, but three months ago I asked you what you wanted for dinner" or whatever), and makes it easier for both parties to focus on finding a solution.

The other thing that will help is to try and be empathetic and understanding towards the other person's point of view, even if you don't necessarily agree with it. What does this person want? Knowing what you know about them, why might they want that? What need are they trying to serve? What are they feeling, and why are they feeling that way? Is there a way that you could acknowledge or validate their feelings, even if you don't want to validate their actual opinion? Being able to say, "I understand that this topic of conversation might be anxiety provoking for you because of your past relationships, but I want to let you know that I'm not angry or upset with you and I'm not going anywhere. I want to work together to find a solution to this problem so our relationship can be stronger," or whatever is a really powerful way to diffuse tension and get both people on the side of "solving the problem" as opposed to "fighting one another". If you're not sure what they're feeling, you can also ask for clarification -“help me understand, what makes you feel like I’m not listening?” is way easier for someone to respond to than, “well, I’m listening, so you should feel heard".

Other than that, trying to keep your tone neutral and flat, controlling your own emotions, and picking the right time to have the conversation will also help. Having difficult conversations when people are hungry, tired, sad, anxious, burnt out, or otherwise emotional is a recipe for disaster, so making sure you're both in a place where you can receive what the other person is saying is important, even if it means putting off the conversation for a little bit.

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are you into brazilian music?

I don’t keep up with Brazilian pop music or anything (although if you have suggestions please send them in), but I do really love bossa nova as a genre.

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hi! are you any good with kids? my boyfriend has a little brother that is kind of annoying sometimes. he is only 4.5 years old so i think its fine, but i have some trouble with the way their parents are raising him (he is really spoiled and not really used to hearing 'no'). there are other kids in his family and i get along with them just fine, im actually good with kids. but sometimes his little brother makes it difficult to bond, idk. any tips? tnks xx

I actually worked at a nursery school for a bit, so I think I'm at least solidly okay with kids, although I don't really know any kids these days. To me the biggest thing is to interact with kids like they're people (because they are). I know that might sound obvious, but I think a lot of people treat kids as if they can't understand things or as if their ideas aren't important, and kids tend to hate that. They want to feel like they're being taken seriously and that their autonomy matters. So when I'm spending time with a kid, I try to treat them like I would anyone else - I ask them questions about their interests, I let them make choices (within reason), I explain to them why we're going to do something or why we can't do something and try to listen to any concerns they might have.

The other thing that might help is to use "correlated consequences" with him - basically just letting the result of his own actions be the punishment. So for example, if you tell him, "please don't do that with your food, otherwise it's going to get everywhere and you'll have to clean it up," and he keeps doing whatever it is, sometimes it works best to just... let him make the mess and then tell him he has to clean it up. Or "if you keep hitting me, I'm going to stop playing with you, because I don't like it when you hurt me," and then if he keeps hitting you walk away. The same way you would set boundaries for yourself with friends, family, or coworkers is how you want to do it here, too - make sure the consequence is really clear and follow through on it even if it's uncomfortable.

Ultimately, though, your boyfriend's brother isn't your kid and so there's only so much you can do. If you only have to interact with him every once in a while, it may just be easier to take the path of least resistance and hope that his parents change their parenting style eventually.