#diamonds droog does not act like diamonds droog he acts like a new guy

[katrinasis]

diamonds dames and dads is so bad its really funny. its like they tried to pander to intermission fans without ever actually having spoken to one or having read the intermission before or having thought about any of those characters in ten years

[sburbian-sage]

Prospitians and Dersites

A small list of all those cute carapacians and what role they have.

Artillery Deputy/Ace Dick/Angelic Dude

Alignment: Prospit

A short stout Prospitian, and one of the 3 agents for the golden planet. He, like the others, is willing to jump into action, and does a damn fine job of it, but is rather peculiar. He is very strong, but has an incredibly poor imagination and is not creative at all. Talking to him is poking a brick wall to find the Magicant. But he has his upside. Particularly, an access to lots of guns. He usually totes a tommy gun, a shotgun, or in some cases, a minigun. Don’t bring him for utility, befriend him for the dakka. He’s also great as a tank. But watch his health, because his special move is taking a shot directly in the gut.

AD’s imagination is so poor, the game doesn’t even know his recruitment parameters. Just try asking politely. I think you should try tootsie rolls?

In certain cases, AD will take the identity of Ace Dick when exiled and join a gang of investigators, which is really ridiculous, but still cool. His lack of imagination shows here because he makes a name instead of a title like his friends, but at least it fits the theme of being named AD.

If AD gets the Ring, he becomes the Angelic Dude, and will be very powerful. Unfortunately, his low imagination means he won’t use any of his powers to any great extent. He’ll still be hardy though.

Authority Regulators

Alignment: Any

What is pretty much the police. If you break the law, they’ll bust down on you. There’s 3 types, each with a rating matching the level of crime they solve. The first one is Petty Guards, for petty crimes like littering and squabbles. They look like regular carapaces in a suit. They are cutely inefficient, and actually kind of fun to mess with. The second type are Standard Guards, for standard crimes like assault, theft, and vandalism. They look a bit rougher, and will go to great lengths to finish the job. This makes them great allies, aces in the sleeve, and occasionally monkey wrenches. Then we get Serious Guards for serious crimes, like murder, mass destruction, and unpaid parking tickets. That might be a bug. They will solve problems with violence and guns if they have them. They also tend to be more of a problem for the player than anyone else. Keep in mind that the guards are called based on the seriousness of the crime, but if one is in the area they will come, regardless of their level. This results in Serious Guards threatening to kick your shit in for missing the trash can, and Petty Guards trying to stop a Rampaging Player.

These guys are made for comedic sociopathy.

If any of them come across The Ring, they will return it to the proper Royalty. However, Derse Guards will take a WK/WQ ring to Derse, while a Prospit Guard will take a BK/BQ Ring to Derse. Talk about lawful stupid.

Black King

Alignment: Derse

The main villain. He leads the Derse armies on the Battlefield and can always be found there. His armies are always destined to win and the game reaches its peak when the players challenge his claim to The Ultimate Reward.

Black Queen

Alignment: Derse

The Queen of Derse. Despite being presumably being married with the King, she seems to cavort with Jack Noir quite a bit. However, the SGRUB version explicitly states that Jack and Queen have a Kismesissitude, which includes polyamory, so she’s not cheating in SGRUB, while might be in SBURB. But nobody is stopping her, because the Queen is very powerful. In fact, a fully prototyped Queen will sometimes be more of a challenge than a fully prototyped King. Killing the Queen then the King is a challenge in Replayer circles. But you may want to do that later, as the Queen can give favours and even be asked for assistance. Just keep in mind that she is a vain beast, so be sure to be humble and compliment her every other sentence.

Courtyard Droll/Clubs Deuce/Capricious Demon

Alignment: Derse

One of the Derse Agents, but don’t worry. All he does is sit around and dance with his stupid hats and umbrellas, and get bullied by the other Agents. DD is probably the nicest because he just puts his cigarettes out on him. This one is marked with a Clubs, and he tends to settle disputes. SGRUB refers to him as a loose Auspistice, so him stopping you and a friend fighting is actually somewhat lecherous. Kinda. Regardless, he doesn’t look much, and his unassuming nature is his strength, as he can get by undetected and unexpected and do some serious damage, including theft. And if he gets his hands on explosives, you’re severely disadvantaged, if not dead. Knocking off his hat will stun him, so take advantage of it. And whatever you do, don’t get hit by his cane. It’s... upsetting.

You can actually recruit CD temporarily by wearing a hat and showing interest and knowledge in hats. Just don’t get addicted to hats. That’s a documented mental illness and it fucks up everything.

If he gets exiled, he will probably join a gang with the other Agents as their powder monkey. But if he gets the Ring, he becomes the Capricious Demon. If this is the case, he usually follows a plan of doing empowered tasks for the other agents, realizing he is more powerful, murdering all of them out of revenge, and then claiming The Ultimate Reward for himself. He will also gain a bit more pyromaniacal traits, and will blow up The Ultimate Reward. Stop him before he does this. Recruiting the other agents if they’re alive is best for this, but make sure they don’t betray you. 

Filching Rapscallion/Filthy Roughneck

Alignment: Derse

A lowly thief who lives in alleyways. He’ll probably steal things from you and the royalty, but mostly out of survival. Hell, if he gets the Ring, he won’t even think about putting it on, he’ll try to sell it. Despite his criminal nature, he’s actually nice, and can be called upon for help and even recruitment. You can trade your items and boondollars for his black market/stolen/illegal items, and feeding him a feast’s worth of food means he’ll be in your debt. In battle, he fights with a knife and can score brutal sneak attacks and backstabs. A little bit of a glass cannon, but an expert dodger. Any kills he lands also pays out more grist. He’ll eventually ask you to help him steal his Thief Armour from Prospit and Thief Knife from Derse, and doing so will net you lifetime loyalty, discounts, and his best armour and weapons. He’s one of my go-to NPCs. The only disadvantage is that he won’t enter jailhouses, buying from him is a Standard Crime, and him following you is a Petty Crime.

Draconian Dignitary/Diamonds Droog/Destructing Duke

Alignment: Derse

One of the Derse Agents. He’s the classy one marked with a Diamond. He is a slacker, and spends most of his time smoking and reading his newspaper. Please do not read the newspaper. On that note, troll girls, stay away, and human girls, don’t paint yourself grey. However, despite his slacking off and odd interests, he is a powerful man. He’s Jack’s second-in-command, and in SGRUB versions, his Moirail. He’s extremely charismatic, and can sweet-talk anyone, even some players! And if all fails, his pool cue and twin automatic rifles even the field. Be careful of this one. Even if you exile him, he does the same thing, just as Diamonds Droog, and he’s dressed better.

You can recruit DD by being a grey lady for uncomfortable reasons, but the more respectable way to do it is showing good taste in fine jazz, and lighting his cigarettes every once in a while. In addition to his regular traits, he boosts fraymotif power.

If DD gets the Ring, he’ll either hand it to Jack, or wear it himself and become the new boss, Destructing Duke. He’ll be Orcus on his Throne, and if he has to get up, he’ll salt the land. But SBURB is a game about chess. You’ll have to beat him at wits to get the drop on this man.

Hackneyed Genius/Hi-jinks Gunman

Alignment: Derse

A crazy dersite inventor, identifiable by his mustache (which he always pronounces as MOO-stash) and wearing of two monocles. He can be found in bunkers and other isolated places where he works on inventions. HG will never wear the Ring, instead choosing to study and test with it. He can be recruited by giving him some alchemy equipment. Doing so will allow you to buy alchemized equipment for Boondollars, but he also has combat use. He chooses to hang back and use guns, except they shoot weird things. This usually results in trick bullets and status effects. HG also does more damage against robotic targets.

Hegemonic Brute/Hearts Boxcars/Hulking Berserker

Alignment: Derse

The biggest Agent. Identifiable by how damn big he is by his Heart marking. He is not big on brains. This isn’t to say he’s a moron, but he knows where his strengths are (in his strength). He uses axes, but has also been known to use any big object around. Or cannibalism. He’s big on cannibalism. He’s mostly the muscle, and there isn’t much else to him. He is however really into flushed romance, and will ship the players and everyone else, so be wary.

You can recruit his strength by fulfilling his fantasies by acting lovey dovey with the person he ships you with, even if you fake it.

If he gets the Ring, he will put in on out of curiosity. If it fits his giant armoured sausage fingers, he will become the Hulking Berserker, freak out, and destroy the Incipisphere. It is nearly impossible for him to burn out. Just kill him. He is oddly weak to decapitation.

Jack Noir/Spades Slick/Sovereign Slayer

Alignment: Derse

The Big Man hass... the knif...

Jack Noir is the head of the Derse Agents. The only weapons he needs are his knives. If you anger him, it’s death by stabbing. Most Dersites have grown to fear that shadowy black Spade he wears. Jack Noir is going to be one of your biggest enemies. He thrives off violence and maybe even gets off of it, as he represents Kismesissitude. He’s even pining in black over the Queen. And you’re going to need him. He’ll help you take out the Queen, but make sure she doesn’t die, or he’ll stick your head outside his office as a testament to other players. He’ll also ask you favours to dismantle the Prospit royalty, and hands out infinite Regiswords that do more damage to royalty. Yeah, he just has infinite amounts, it’s a bug that he capitalizes on. As sharp as his knives.

If you exile him, he’ll just start fresh, but this time at the top as Spades Slick. He oft forms a gang known as The Midnight Crew, and they are cruelly efficient.

If Jack gets the Ring, mercy be upon you. The Sovereign Slayer will take the throne. All the thrones. The dead royalty pile will stack in a fast manner. And then he has all the power to take you lot out. It’s widely recognized that a Noir takeover is one of the hardest challenges in SBURB.

Recruiting Jack is a good option as he is powerful in the early game, respectable in the late game, and you’re close enough to betray him. The easiest way to recruit is doling out licorice scotty dogs. Yeah, I don’t know what those are either. So just take one for the team and get shanked. After you’re gushing blood, show reverence and respect for him, and you’ll get on his good terms. Humans and Red-Blooded Trolls have better chances as he’ll be inclined to shed his own blood and show how you two are the same. If you’re a troll session and you’re mutated, just flash him some hemoglobin and threaten the others with Jack if they get all cully.

Jack hates Clowns, will be enraged by them, and does extra damage to them.

Madame Domino

Alignment: Prospit (Zizi)/Derse (Zebra)

The Madames Domino are a a pair of twins. The Prospitian one lives on Derse and dresses in black and the Dersite lives on Prospit and dresses in white. HUH? I think they’re doing a switch or an “exotic musician” thing, because nobody notes them besides how good they are or how nice they look. The Dersite is named Zizi and the Prospitian is named Zebra. They’re pretty cool and make good jazz and pop respectively. Hanging out near them is good stress relief. They can also help make good fraymotifs on their downtime, but are otherwise unrecruitable.

Ms Paint

Alignment: Prospit

She’s a rather cute Prospitian who carries a bucket of paint. Humans think she’s just cute girl. Trolls are either disgusted or turned on. It doesn’t help that whoever made this game gave this single carapace boobs. Sometimes dimorphism is good. She also has a weird trait in that nobody can harm her. They all can’t harm such a cute person. Even Jack Noir, who can only feel hate and bloodlust, will go red for her.

Miss Taylor

Alignment: Derse

A timid lady in Derse who works in a clothing shop. Doing favours for her results in new outfits for you Dream and God Tier clothes. A fan favourite. However, there’s another aspect about her people like. She can be recruited, but has no combat capabilities. This is probably a glitch or bug or just mistake, but Guards and Dames can protect her and get bonuses for protecting someone. In fact, GodsGiftToGrinds, author of the SBURB Glitch Faq, actually noted that he survived a case of being the sole survivor of a Session Wipe by utilizing Miss Taylor. Listen to the real pros here.

Parcel Mistress/Parcel Mister

Alignment: Any

Not one carapace so much as multiple carapaces. These guys are WILD. The Mailing companies evidently hire ninjas because these guys will walk across Battlefields, angry Dream Moons, and places like the Land of Glaciers and Magma (because fuck convection) to deliver their mail. They will deliver. The mail will never fail. They also hand out mail-delivery quests, and these are some of the deadliest quests out there. In addition, they’re largely free spirits and will do anything. They can wear the Ring. They can kill players and royalty. They will deliver. Respect these guys.

Prospitian Sheriff/Problem Sleuth/Pulchritude Saint

Alignment: Prospit

The de facto head of the Prospit Agents. He walks around and investigates crimes from Petty to Serious in a hard-boiled manner. But he has a weird quirk in that he treats the petty crimes as Serious and the serious crimes as Petty. Still, good work ethic. He’s handy with a gun, and is otherwise average at everything else. He’s also been known to form a band of detectives and call himself Problem Sleuth.

PS can be recruited by giving him candy corn which is delicious fuck you, finding his flask for him, and unlocking him from his office. He is also fond of racially diverse murals. If you’re an all Alabaster Human session, that option is blocked. Troll Sessions give him an appreciation for hemospectum diverse murals.

If PS gets the Ring, he becomes the Pulchritude Saint. This is extremely powerful, as he also unlocks the [Sepulchritude] Hope ability and uses it. He can potentially use it in his regular form, but it’s hard to unlock. This man will become a beast. He will also eat every candy corn in the universe.

Psychic Initiate/Pickle Inspector/GodHead Pickle Inspector

Alignment: Prospit

The tallest Prospit Agent. He often spaces out and probably has some sort of mental issue or something because he isn’t entirely upstairs. However, he has access to magic powers, and is willing to help you focus your Aspect powers, as well as help the Royalty and assist PS when needed. 

He can be recruited with copious amounts of candy, but be careful, because he will burst with power.

If he gets his hand on the Ring, he becomes GodHead Pickle Inspector (regardless of if he ever was Pickle Inspector) and will quickly become beyond morality and just sit around, provide indirect help, and also regard the Universe. Note that he messes with the session and now you have to breed the Genesis Pickle, and everything gets made out of Pickle Inspector. Don’t worry about it. It’s also better to have a useless GodHead than an empowered Derse Royal/Rogue Agent, so don’t worry about him. He’ll do his own thing.

Relations Officer/Romance Official

Alignment: Prospit

An older Prospitian who is as weird and obsessed as HB, but without the muscle. He knows all about how people interact and facilitates what he calls a “shipping wall”. He’s mostly useless as he will only use the Ring to marry people off, but he does have one cool feature. The shipping wall can keep track of how everyone feels about each other, and Humans without access to the Replayernet can learn about Troll Romance from him.

Stupefied Warrior/Shambling Wrecker

Alignment: Prospit

A big man who stands around the halls of the Prospit Castle. He does guard duty, but if you bribe him with big legs of meat, say hello to some hired muscle. He’ll put anything in the ground with some brutal combat, and is a great tank. Just be aware that he will get stuck in doors.

Warweary Villein/Weakened Vanguard/Whelpish Viscount

Alignment: Any

A class of carapaces more than one person. They live on the battlefield, but they aren’t soldiers. They’re just trying to live, and will hide and starve all the while. They can be counted on to be help in tactician duties if you want to engage the Black King in war, but don’t hold up in combat. They can also experience trauma and PTSD. Help them, let them help you, but don’t break them.

White King

Alignment: Prospit

The leader of the Prospitians on the Battlefield. He’ll ask you for favours in the war that can be done for Reputation and other boons, but he is destined to lose. He may not always die, but he will fall, and his scepter will break. But in your times of need, if you assist him, he’ll be there to catch you.

White Queen

Alignment: Prospit

The Queen of the Prospitians. She stays on the golden planet to provide help and comfort to her subjects. She is a powerful ally, and can provide boons for help. Mutual assistance. She’s also central to a lot of quests, and responsible for most of the Festivals and Celebrations on Prospit. If she dies, the gold planet dies a little, irreparably. When asking things of her, be polite and courteous. She won’t reject or banish you, but she has a long memory.