#did you not cover the whole deal about how ageism is normalized?

[centi-pedve]

people really do act like they think ageism is bad but then the moment they have to not be ageist they give up. especially when they're called out on it. "you're policing my language" yeah because it's ageist what do you want us to say

like it gets to a point where it feels like they're saying ageism exists because yeah people hate kids and thats not good but they don't actually see ageism as an equal form of oppression to things like homophobia or sexism, even though children are literally human property. the LEAST you could do is not rely on things like "childish" as an insult or maybe just change your language when someone points it out? say sorry i'll go fix that?

[alex-temple]

Heart Shaped Wreckage

Setting: August 14th, Audition for the American Ballet Theater Series: The Audition Trilogy (Pt.3) Triggers: Workplace Discrimination, Ageism, Body Shaming  Title Song Cut for Length: 1642 words

Alex couldn't help but feel like there was something off about this audition. She had felt it throughout class, she had felt it as she changed into her audition outfit. It wasn't the people that she was with, mostly because there were quite a few who had been at the audition with her the week before. Which was a little embarrassing, but none of them mentioned her fall so Alex took that as a blessing. She started to think that maybe it was herself, that everything had just manifested in a way that made her feel like everything was off.

However, Alex just told herself that it was in her head. That she was tired, and sore, and a little bit cranky from probably not sleeping enough over the past few days. For putting in all the extra training to make sure that she truly was ready for this one. And as she checked herself in the mirror, she was glad that she at least looked the part. Unless they looked closely they wouldn't be able to see that concealer was covering the bags under her eyes, or that she was wearing a little bit more makeup thank she normally would.

As she walked out on the stage, Alex made careful note of the people who were watching them, and was glad that she only recognized one of them. Only this woman was one that Alex had been expecting. She was one of the directors, and had been her the last time that Alex had auditioned as well. She remembered that the woman was tough, but at least this time there wasn't going to be anything that was unexpected.

Or so she thought.

"Ladies!" The woman snapped, which caused everyone to stand up a little straighter, the tone of her voice demanded it and it was clear that nobody dared to disobey. "Thank you all for coming, however there has been an issue with the way that you've been grouped. So if you have received a letter from the government as a result of the marriage law, I'm going to need you to raise your hand." Slowly Alex raised hers, as did a couple of other dancers, all of them slowly looking at each other. She was pretty sure that this wasn't legal, but Alex also wasn't going to be the one who pointed that out. And nobody else seemed like they were planning on it either.

"Excellent, you now will be a group together, everyone who was in group seven, please now go and fill their places," the woman instructed, and everyone quickly rushed to fill their places. From what had happened, it was pretty obvious that she and the other girls were now in the last group to go. And it was clear that she now wasn't the only one who felt like there was something going on that shouldn't. Alex watched as the other dancers performed, trying to drive the weirdness out of her mind as she thought back to the class that morning. Back to the routine that she was going to be performing, back to the steps that she had learned.  It was a new audition, she wasn't going to

And by the time that it was her turn to dance, Alex closed her eyes and became one with the music. If it were up to her, she would have done the whole thing with her eyes closed, but showing off wasn't a good trait and she still had to make sure that she wouldn't run into anyone. But she was strong, she danced well, and she finally felt like she had actually achieved something when it came to dancing. It was by far her best audition, and even with the weirdness of the day it still felt like there was a weight off of her shoulders. Like she had finally proved that she could do this. That she was in fact a dancer. Like all the extra practicing that she had done over the weekend had paid off.

"For those of you in groups 1-6 thank you for your time, you will be contacted either tomorrow or Wednesday regarding whether or not you made it," the old director said, dismissing all but the group that Alex had been in. The nerves that she had been feeling came back in full force as the older woman came and examined the group that was left.  There were five of them, all around Alex's age or a little bit younger, and the silence was deafening as they just waited for the woman to say something.

"Stephanie Carter. Step forward." the director said, giving a hard look, as the girl with the bright red hair did what she was told. "Twenty years old, next year I expect you to be back to audition, unless you decide to wait on your pregnancy until the last minute. If that's the case don't bother to come back, is that clear?"  Stephanie quickly nodded, her eyes wide as she stared at the director, which only made Alex's stomach drop a little more. "Good, you're dismissed." At the words the red-head ran off the stage, though really Alex didn't blame her. If that was the way things were going to go, she had a feeling that things were going to be worse from there.

Two more girls were quickly criticized after, each one getting it a little bit worse, and all Alex started to hope was that she wasn't going to be the last name called.  She didn't want to know what was going to said once everyone was gone, but she could imagine that it wasn't going to be pretty.

"Alexandra Temple-Price," the old woman said, and slowly Alex stepped forward, giving a slow exhale as she did so.  "I remember you, what was it five years ago? Came in here cocky and you couldn't even follow the steps? It's good to see that you've matured over the years," she started, which Alex felt might be a good sign. Though her gut was telling her that it was the complete opposite, "However I am surprised that you decided to audition considering your situation.  I see you're already married, does that mean you already have a baby on the way and were just trying to con me into giving you maternity leave?"

"No ma'am," Alex quickly said, shaking her head, "I'm not pregnant yet. I was thinking that if my husband and I got pregnant around..."

"I don't have time for your explanation, I got the answer that I needed," the director interrupted, and Alex quickly shut her mouth again, "So in that case, I don't understand why you decided to waste my time." The words stung, as Alex didn't understand why she was saying them, though she was sure that she was going to quickly find them, "With where you are in your life, even if you got pregnant today chances are you wouldn't be ready to dance next year. As I'm sure you know it takes time once you get to a certain age to lose the baby weight, and for your hips to get back into place so I highly doubt that you'll be ready next year.  And then the year after? Who has ever heard of a girl starting in the corps when she's 25? I did see that three of your students made it into the School of American Ballet so clearly you know what you're doing there. So why don't you just stop dreaming of a career that isn't going to happen, and just stick to what you're good at? That way you can save yourself some disappointment from a world that clearly doesn't want you in it. So you may go. Don't let me see you again."

Everything felt like it it moved in slow motion as she slowly walked back to the changing area, and started packing up her things. Barely able to get her clothes out of the locker that she borrowed before she collapsed on the floor in tears. She wasn't sure how long she was there, or even if she was alone before she finally got the sobs to stop, leaving only a broken and empty feeling. Even when she was at her best, she wasn't going to be wanted. She'd spent her entire life training for nothing. She'd either flake, she'd get too rattled, or she'd be too old. And it wasn't like there was any point in keeping trying, because Alex knew the ballet world. She knew that if she continued this was all she was going to get.

Shutting off her phone and putting it in her bag, she took a couple of breaths and went to wash her face. Alex wasn't sure what she was going to do. On top of all of this, on top of her feeling like a failure, she was sure that everyone was just going to be disappointed in her for being a complete failure. And Alex just wasn't ready to face that. Not until she had time to accept this. Or at least try to accept this. So she couldn't go home, she couldn't go to the studio, she couldn't even go to any of her friends because everyone would be able to find her. To ask her how it went. To try and help her feel better when that was impossible. It was just too much to even think about having to deal with after that. Wiping her eyes again, trying to keep new tears from falling as she figured out what to do. And walking out of the building she had no game plan, she had no place to go, no idea what to do.

All she knew was disappointing herself was hard enough for today. Disappointing everyone else would just have to wait.