#disabled people should get free uppers bc this shit is depressing as fuck.

[noctomania]

im so fucking scared. i'm pretty certain im going to need a microdisctectomy and it's a terrifying concept to me to have my fuckin back cut into. i'm also terrorized bc the chiro i was going to told me to go to a neurosurgeon instead of an orthopedic but it could take months to go to the neuro that he recommended. at that rate i might as well eat up the rest of my disability to just let it heal on its own. Imagine i booked with him just to be fine by the time the surgery comes up?

but the surgeon im talking to on wed doesn't have perfect ratings. but it seems like they have good enough? but idk it's so hard for me to trust anyone or anything anymore. just thinking about this shit makes me cry.

I want my life back. I can't even play video games. i can't walk. I've lost 15lbs. I quit smoking weed bc even tho it eased my mind it almost made the pain worse.

On top of it all i feel guilty if i dont stay grateful for what i do have. i'm thankful i have savings i'm thankful i still have a job and maintaining my ful income bc of my disability leave, i'm thankful i have a helful roommate i'm thankful for all the details that has been supporting me

i just want to be avble to stand, walk, enjoy my fucking life. i'm so mad sad frustrated and tired and above all else fucing terrified. i can read about this shit all day but it doesnt matter bc it never feels like anything relates to me. i've yet to find anyone with this condition who says they can't lay on their stomach. im terrified that all the doctors ive spoken too have not taken enough time to pay attention to details. i'm scared that ill be rushed into a surgery that either doesnt fix it or makes things worse. i'm scared that everyone is in it for the money. i'm scared bc if a doctor cant even figure out how to navigate simple software to view my fucking MRI how the hell can i trust them to cut me open. i'm scared bc anything medical in america is corrupt.

i'm scared ill never be back to normal. that ill never get back to exercising like i did. that ill forever be reliant on someone else when literally my entire life has been me realizing i can only rely on myself.

it's fucking lonely as hell. worse so even when someone will say "you're not alone" and then immediately leaves.

I am alone I spend all day alone in my bed. Nobody comes to visit me. Nobody checks up on me. I am alone. Whether i made myself alone or not i'm not stopping anyone from coming to find me. I aint moved in months.

I am alone. I'm always alone. Don't fucking gaslight me when I have witnessed this lonliness for 33 fucking years. I'm just as lonely now as i was when i was a kid. wordds mean nothing to me now.

im so fucking tired.