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ghostofhallownest · 2 years

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everything everywhere all at once thoughts (NOT spoiler free)

i’m not a movie-goer. i think i’ve seen 3 total movies since 2020, including pre-pandemic, in theaters. before that, i only went if my friends wanted to go.

i went to see everything everywhere all at once due to a random retweet of a neil gaiman tweet from april 17 about how you should absolutely see this movie in theaters if at all possible, knowing nothing about it if given the chance. it leaves theaters near me on thursday, and there was a late-night showing yesterday, which is my favorite kind of showing to attend, so, hey. why not? um.

bruh.

the core of everything everywhere all at once being, simultaneously: 1. one of the best visualizations of a queer kid’s mental health (the freaking bagel being built to hold the weight of everything she saw in the world so she could see if she “could finally die?” because she wanted the pain to stop?? her masking that pain constantly under a colorfully nihilistic exterior when it’s profoundly miserable to bear and she desperately hopes, in part, that someone [her mom] will face this “absolute truth” with her and show her a different way to view it/live it/bear it?) 2. one of my favorite depictions of the complex relationship between a child + their parents ive seen in visual media (”i love them, i want them to love me,they hurt me trying to love and i hurt them back on purpose and i don’t know how to compromise to make this possible [because i haven’t realized compromise is even necessary]” going both ways); the fact that evelyn sincerely fucked up not just her relationships, but also the lives of her daughter + husband, and that despite that the consistent narrative thread through the whole of the movie is “im taking drastic action because you arent listening to anything else, but i just want us to talk“ 3. honestly the interwoven-ness of it all is part of what gives it its brilliance, that the evelyn we follow needs the perspectives of all these fragmented could-have-beens to broaden her own internal perspective, which allows her to reach out to her family and make the best of all of those paths for the life that she has. i also adore how well they portrayed the seductiveness of joy’s nihilism + depression bc!! yeah! that’s what it’s like! and how waymond’s core philosophy: yes, life is cruel, but i choose the beauty and the small joys and kindness anyway, because this world won’t make me hard, is consistently seen as weak and silly until, like...

honestly, i think that’s the hardest thing to do in this life. i think it’s a quiet resilience, but perhaps the strongest. + i adored that this movie seemed to agree. 4. the fact that even in her most “successful” lives, where if she’d done just one or two things differently the evelyn we follow knows she could have had all this---the fact that the movie takes the time to break down the difficulties that she has in these lives, or the joys in the ridiculous small lives; the fact that it’s always, no matter the measure of success, about the few glimpses where everything makes sense, and you’re never robbed of that no matter the size of the life you live if you’re willing to let those moments in...yeah. yeah. of course there’s so much more. the construction of the rock universe being voiceless, spoken in dialogue tags on the screen? i loved it. i also loved the font choice. the leitmotif in the fight scenes + the freaking hot dog universe with deirdre + at other junctures just.

+++

after i saw the movie, i went to burger king because it was one of the few places open at 1am near me. i ordered, and as i pulled forward, i realized (panicking), that i...had completely left my wallet at home. so i don’t peel out of line, because, i dunno, that feels rude...there’s only one car in front of me, anyway. i pull forward, and sheepishly, apologetically explain that i don’t have my wallet, have a good night, i’m very sorry. “oh, hey, you just had the large fries and the chicken sandwich, right?” the manager gives me a kind smile. “here ya go. have a good night.”

alpha wang says he’s trying to bring the world back to Before, “how do we get back?” <to before all this mess, before we didn’t trust our neighbors, before we were so cruel to each other, before before before> and the answer, the dorky, clueless, lost wang provides: be kind first. even if you doubt there will be kindness given back.

#everything everywhere all at once #platypus poison #jas jabbers #spoilers

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1eos · 3 years

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All these anons are weird and corny so here’s an actual query, I have the hag line cap stellium and am Saturn dominant, nd everything online basically says Saturn dominant ppl are born 2 suffer/lvl grind thru life nd I was wondering if u have a less…depressing take on it lol. tbh I don’t even find a lot of trustworthy takes on stelliums and/or planet dominance online so idk if it’s even something to stress abt but I feel like Saturn has been kicking my ass my whole life n I need positivity rn;;;

YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PERSON~!!!!!!!! literally i haaaaaaaaate the way ppl talk abt saturn its not that depressing. basically saturn dominant ppl are gonna age backwards nd thrive the older they get nd the more uhhhh life experience they acquire? so a lot of Saturn children are super serious but once they bloom into adulthood they will ironically then start to indulge in what makes them happy! saturn isn't actively trying to destroy you or make u suffer she's just trying to get you to change how you're looking at things. LITERALLY just this year i had a major saturian breakthrough nd if you ever have the chance u should read thru liz greene's saturn: a new look on an old devil bc it paints saturn differently. like a lot of the times when we get blocked by life we get frustrated nd can't see that there's something better for us. but here are some of my fave excerpts i think can help u!

but as a saturn dom i think its IMPERITIVE that you

-take life at your own pace bc the ‘live ur best life in your early 20s’ isn’t neccessarily for you. literally you will Never Peak it just keeps getting better.

-start treating yourself softer. you don’t HAVE to hold the whole world on your shoulders alone. its ok to rely on ppl. its ok to take breaks

-find the sweet spot between ‘some suffering in life is bc of things i cannot control nd has no bearing on me’ and ‘sometimes the growth i need will come out of an uncomfortable circumstance’ the point isn’t to identify with our pain but rather to….learn from it. accept it nd heal from it nd become someone that’s wiser from experience but softer from compassion. which i think is another great thing abt saturnesque ppl. like y’all know how to be firm nd get shit done but still with such a competent compassion 🥺 im sorry this ask is so long anyways but to explain my point my mom is a cap moon nd i always wondered if she didnt like our dog much bc she doesnt really pet her but i found out my mom went out of her way to boil dog treats so they’d be soft for my elderly dog to eat nd i think that sums up cap/saturn energy. a practical but not always seen care

-oh and possibly most importantly. do some soul searching nd ask yourself if what you’re struggling for is what you REALLY want in life. nd then ask if you TRULY believe that you deserve it. bc in my experience the times where saturn pushed against me the hardest were times were i was fighting for something i THOUGHT i wanted but i really didn’t. if you’re unaware of something in yourself saturn will beat u over the head until u get it but the process doesn’t have to be miserable you know? the journey of self discovery should be, in the end of the day, full of levity bc it’s a step closer to the idealized self you’re working for.

sorry this is so long i just have a lot of thoughts abt saturn nd ik what its like to have her beat the snot out of u i hope this help pls don’t hesitate for more excerpts, venting, etc i live for this

#at the start of summer i went thru the ‘the universe nd saturn hate me’#nd then i realized some things nd made some hard decisions nd now months later i feel like a load has beenlifted off me #long post #saturn #asks #👁💥👁

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iammissingautumn · 3 years

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my personal list of dream smp types:

-tommy: type 7, energetic with a big personality but tends to overextend himself

-tubbo: type 6, insecure but loyal to what he believes in, does his best to be fair

-ranboo: type 4, emotional, repressed, appreciative of beauty, very dependent on his relationships

-dream: type 1, but an extremely unhealthy type 1. obsessed with keeping order and law. thinks what he is doing is always right.

-technoblade: type 8, a slightly unhealthy type 8. big into justice and retribution. fiercely protective of those he cares about. is drawn to conflict.

-phil: type 5, smart, cautious, pragmatic, and logical. doesn't let emotions get in the way of things.

-fundy: type 6, but moderately unhealthy. clings to authority, has a poor sense of self, low self-esteem.

-eret: type 3, forward-thinking, goal-driven. does what they believe will be best in the long run at the expense of things now.

-wilbur: type 4, unhealthy. was tempted to say 8 here bc of the connection to the song, but he doesn't exactly have that fierce loyalty to his comrades or desire to fight injustice (he only fights the injustice when it directly effects him, i.e. the drug van). dramatic and poetic, good with words, extremely self-destructive and depressed.

-niki: type 9, compassionate, mature, but also full of repressed anger. would be unhealthy had she not found some healing with the syndicate. doesn't like hurting people for no reason.

-jack manifold: type 3 that's quickly spiraling. dedicated and achievement-focused but towards not exactly healthy goals as of late.

-captain puffy: type 2, cares for others, has a parental instinct, helps people on principle, forgiving but strong-willed.

-sam: type 5, pretty unhealthy. intelligent and logical, doesn't express or deal with emotions, cynical and bleak.

-quackity: type 3, very unhealthy. brutal and efficient. willing to use unspeakable means to achieve his ends. calculating and a careful planner.

-karl: type 2, slightly unhealthy. self-sacrificial, feels as if he has a duty to fulfill. keeps his negative feelings in so he doesn't hurt others, hurting himself in the process.

-sapnap: type 7, impulsive, reckless, excited and enjoys challenges and adventures. not the best decision-maker.

-schlatt: type 8, extremely unhealthy. power-hungry, has lost sight of justice entirely. very possessive and controlling of people. camaraderie taken too far. willing to screw others over for own gain.

Hehe I love this sm thank u nice stranger. Rn I’m just gonna give u if I agree or not and other such... this has helped a lot being able to type them! Often I find I need someone to throw something out there concretely so I can point and nod or grab the words and describe why I disagree with it sm so thank u!

This ofc is all /dsmp /rp all that

Tommy: he’s hard bc his character grew out of this over the top persona that I’m still trying to place.... I think I agree. But I’m so on the fence rn.

Tubbo: Disagree!

Ranboo: Hard disagree!

Dream: Relative disagree!

Techno: Ofc!!

Phil: Hell yeah hell yeah

Fundy: Nahhhhhh

Eret: I understand what ur saying but I’m thinking to the left of ya

Wilbur: this is the hardest type U handed me out of al of these. I am sitting here reading stuff over and over but like. Yeah. 1. It hits different bc im a 4 and I do relate to cnWilbur a lot

Niki: Yeah!!!!!!! Hehe

Jack Manifold: Okay I agree but only because you said it, /gen Didnt know what he’d be at all and then looked at my resources and 3 sx..... it’s him Ur big brain

Puffy: yeah!!! Almost wanted to say 1 just to spice stuff up but. Looked at passions and nah she just has a w1

Sam: ur so right bestie god u get it

Quackity: was struggling with him but yeah... u got it

Karl: didn’t expect for you to be right and then once more knocked it out of the park.... thank u sm king

Sapnap: hard nope

Shlatt: yeahhhhhh jshlatt plays such 8 all the time especially his online persona

Note: I will be eventually making a master post of my typings that will lead to character analysis posts for each character and why I believe they are that type, wing, and subtype and breaking down their characters and such!!! So follow for that type of thing in the future :)

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dropoutparty · 3 years

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ngc ramblings part 3- chapter 5

here we are at part 3!!! sorry this one took so long, i originally was gonna make this post include entropy and extus (along with finally talking about face in depth) but it was so fuckin long that im splitting it into 2 different posts! the next part isnt done yet but im like almost halfway done so it shouldnt be too much longer until its out! also before we get into this one:

tw for: death, animal death, and suicide. pls take care of urself and don't read this if those things are triggering for u <3

ok lets get on with the post

at the start of entropy zach doesnt waste any time getting right to the point. this place is bigger than the other planets so far, and zach says the music this time around is a melody that “started out normal but then got distorted” played by a violin sounding instrument. even tho i do sometimes forget that this is supposed to be a creepypasta im not surprised that he said it made him feel depressed and unnerved lmao. anyways, this planet has all new level types in it!! no reused ones!! ok now this is epic. the bosses this time around are megalon, battra, and mechagodzilla, but itll be a good while before we get to those guys because this chapter is long as hell holy shit?? buckle up babez <33 now, before i get into the meat of things as usual im gonna talk abt the planet name! entropy basically means “a lack of order/predictability or a gradual decline into disorder” and that's very accurate to this part of the story. at this point, red is pissed off and is getting desperate, which means from here on out things are going to be getting more intense and more unstable. this world is the turning point in the overall story, basically.

now with that out of the way, zach first goes to the worlds quiz level as usual! this time something was different. usually, in the quiz levels there would be goofy ass music playin in the bg (specifically the GH1D0RA cheat music, if you wanna like listen to it ig?) but from here on out its been replaced by the music from the games password screen, which zach called creepy earlier on in the pasta. im gonna glaze over the quiz again this time, but when we get to the next planet ill talk about all of the quizzes in depth all at once. basically all you need to know for now abt what happens here is face asks “do you like mothra?” and when zach picks no (after going on a tangent abt how mothra sucks lmao,, bro i swear im good at the game my controllers just messed up /s), face enters bastard mode and goes “TOO BAD!” and boom now zach cant play as anyone but mothra. zach is pissed for now but little does he know this is just going to become an even more epic gamer bc of this,, youll never get better at something if you never try and all that.

after that, zach moves on to the first level type- the forest. immediately zach gets an eerie feeling from this level bc he has some kinda fear involving forests at night (i can think of a reason why but ill have to talk abt that later just to be sure). hes also not feelin great about being forced to play as mothra, so the pressure of it all is def starting to get to him by now. the music in the forest is woodwinds followed by slow, rhythmic drums and chiming bells. must have been some ominous woodwinds and bells bc it made him feel like he was intruding somewhere he shouldnt be (oh rlly?? u dont say,, everything up until now has been fine /s). getting into the level itself, eventually zach comes across some weird deer-like monsters just vibing and scares them away when he gets close. later in the level he finds more of these weird deer along with a sloth-like creature on some of the trees and some raptor dudes killing some of the deer. zach shoots one of the raptors but thats about it. nothing really happened in this level but zach noted that he didnt feel like he was playing a video game, but instead it felt more like he was exploring a forest in another dimension. thats interesting for reasons ill ~get to later~ (yall must be so tired of hearing that by now omg,, i know im tired of saying it at least. i was gonna wait until after replay to talk about things but i severely underestimated how long this whole project would be, so i might make a post for the “more on that later” stuff before i get into replay. let me know what u think i should do).

anyways, the next thing zach checks out is the first tv screen level so far. these levels just play an animation with some music in the background, and theres a different animation per level. this time around the animation is of a kid with a beaver(?) head licking a lollipop and the music is the GH1D0RA music that the quiz levels used to use. the only thing of note here is that zach says he had a shirt that looked just like that when he was a kid. after that, were off to some of the weirdest fuckin levels in this whole thing imo- the hourglass levels. these levels have an entirely brown color palette, with grandfather clocks standing in the background (the level appears to be in like a hallway or something) and various time measuring things floating in the air. the music is the same as the board (ig cosby just didnt feel like thinking of what theme this place would have lol). after a little bit zach was rlly happy to see actual enemies from the normal game show up! these are basically like aircraft, tanks, etc. thats not the main attraction here tho, bc this level has its own unique mechanic! this mechanic is the colored hourglass items you can pick up. there are three of them, a blue one that slows time down and makes enemies from the past appear, a red one that speeds up time and makes enemies from the future appear, and a green one that made the time flow normally and spawned enemies from the normal game. zach found the blue one first, which caused a bunch of prehistoric enemies based on real animals to show up. after that he found a green one and fought normal enemies again, and then he found a red hourglass. the future enemies here look like aliens to me, and zach says that one enemy reminds him of something he saw in a book once. eventually, a special future creature showed up and zach was suddenly in a boss battle! or a mini boss battle? that description is probably more accurate. this guy doesnt have a face, and he can only attack by shooting a beam from his face, it sure does look cool! after zach beat it tho, he was off to the next level type, which is basically a toxic waste dump.

zach called it grungy and inhospitable, with the music being a synth ambient loop that made him feel dizzy while he listened to it. this is important because this is the first instance of the game making zach feel something *physically*, not just psychologically. all of the enemies here are mutated to some degree, with him first seeing green mummies with bird skulls coming out from vats of toxic slutch and a brownish cow skeleton monster with spider legs. later zach comes across a deer from the woods, drinking some toxic slutch (delinchous). zach got close to it to try making it stopped but suddenly some enemies came out of nowhere and scared it into running right off a ledge and into the slutch. rip :pensive:. after that zach found more mutated enemies (i.e some things with tentacles and some other deformed thing with human teeth) before he finally gets to the end of the level, where theres another miniboss waiting for him!! this ones a toxic sludge monster with a whale skull who attacks with a mouth projectile and by charging into you. the monster sank into the slutch and thats all for this level babeyy!

the next level is another forest, but this time its winter! its still at night, but this time zach doesnt feel off put, which he mostly attributes to the music. he describes it as a gentle, calm song that almost sounded romantic. the entire first segment of this level had no enemies in it, but dw this level is interesting i swear. the next segment starts out just as empty as the last one, but this time its silent. that is, until the music from “unforgiving cold” starts playing. yaa you remember that place!! i think i said it was less interesting than i remembered but its interesting again now bc it was foreshadowing these levels!! anyways soon after the music started up, zach started to come across tons of frozen bodies of the deer from earlier. some were mutilated, some werent, but they were all frozen and covered in snow. eventually zach does come across something living though, a sloth creature from earlier! its just vibing when suddenly the winter versions of the raptors from earlier rush in and fuckin obliterate the sloth thing. those things just blindly try killing everything in sight, and even start fighting themselves before zach finally gets to the last part of the level.

now this is where shit starts to get crayzay. this part opens up to a big empty field with a full moon and the nice music from earlier back. despite the nice music tho, zach immediately starts feeling dread and eventually he finds a lake. the lake comes down from the sky and starts to crack like an egg, a humanoid figure curled up in the fetus position dropping into the lake below and the moon halves disintegrated. this spawned the moon beast, the hardest challenge zachs had to deal with so far. after he finally defeats it, the screen goes to black and the name “melissa” is on screen, written in red. after that, the screen then says kys. the word kill then fills up the screen, layering over itself until it forms a picture of reds face. its now that we finally get to hear abt the whole melissa thing (which makes it sound like shes been mentioned in the pasta before this but thats not what i mean lmao). to summarize, zach had a middle school gf named melissa (also bro middle school?? wadda hell) who often went into “episodes” where she would stare off, expressionless, before trembling and putting her face in her hands. she and zach hung out in a field at night a lot but one night she just stared at the moon the whole time before running into traffic and dying.

NOW its finally later!!! were not done with entropy yet, but this is the end of part one of entropy so i wanna just take a little break to talk about things so far. this planet is FULL of symbolism and foreshadowing. to start off, i think a lot of the questions face asks at the beginning foreshadow things that happen. some examples are “is time slipping though your fingers?” which could allude to the time levels, “do you have any regrets?” which i think obviously foreshadows the whole melissa thing, “is it safe to go out at night?” and “do you find it hard to sleep at night?” both follow the same kinda theme, which i think relates to how the melissa incident happened at night, specifically out at night. i dont think the forest levels have anything too important in them, other than to introduce the presence of an innocent, harmless creature that doesnt deserve what happens to it later (aka the deer things) which might symbolize melissa. more evidence for this symbolizing melissa comes from the encounter with the deer in the toxic dump and the winter forest, where in the former zach tries to stop it from hurting itself but is too late, being forced to watch it die, and in the latter the same innocent thing from earlier is found dead close to where the real incident took place. the two big themes to keep in mind here are death and time, more specifically the past. most of the enemies here are either made from bones or kill other enemies, there's a dedicated time level referencing things that zach remembers seeing at one point (aka that one alien zach recognized), the beaver head had the same shirt as child zach did, it all connects to zachs past and the death of melissa. as for the moon beast, its the most obvious reference for reasons ive already explained. i dont really know what the moon cracking open and dropping a curled up human into the lake could mean other than some other thing melissa related, but i *do* think that the fact that the moon beast is the most difficult thing zach has faced so far is symbolic of the fact that the trauma from this event has followed him throughout his entire life, and its something he struggles with daily. it could even be the reason why he said no when face asked if he could sleep easily at night. the moon beast also has some black fur around its neck, which i think is meant to represent a tire track, referencing and/or mocking the way melissa died.

its so cool how this entire part of the story builds up to and foreshadows the bomb it drops at the end of the part, giving people something to look back on. a lot of ppl say that as soon as the melissa stuff gets introduced the story goes down in quality, and i do somewhat agree with that sentiment, especially if they want the story to actually be scary, but i think the direction the story goes from this point on is so unique and cool. it does follow the whole “theres a ghost in the game” troupe (even tho it was probably seen as a spin on that originally) but it doesnt do the same cliches as so many other gaming creepypastas do and it really takes the concept and makes it its own. i just think its neat,,,

anyways im done gushing abt this story, lets get on with part 2 of extus!! basically zach has a fuckin panic attack and, after taking a few minutes to calm himself down when its over, he decides that he has to finish the game now because if he doesnt its just going to haunt him for the rest of his life. zach has now realized that the game is “alive” and can somehow see his thoughts and memories, so understandably hes pretty freaked out by it at this point. when he keeps playing, the first thing he does is check out another tv screen level. this time, the animation is of a fish dude just kinda standing there with his mouth flapping open and closed and the music is the neptune board music from the original game. the only reason i can think of for why this is here is maybe the game is mocking zach for the panic attack he just had (bc when u have a panic attack you feel like you can barely breathe, if ur lucky enough to have never had one before and u dont know) but thats abt it. its probably just a random goofy thing cosby threw in there.

anyways, the next actual level is the first labyrinth level. this time around, its a gold labyrinth specifically. the music in these levels is a slow, ominous drum beat with female vocals occasionally coming in and (basically from here on out) the monster zach plays as is now half the size it used to be. i think this shows how zachs feeling at this point, like this whole thing isnt just being a big strong monster and beating up enemies any more, he feels small and scared and helpless in the face of something potentially dangerous that he doesnt understand maybe his confusion about the game is the reason *why* theres so many labyrinth levels here in the first place. anyways im getting ahead of myself. personally, i think the aesthetic of the gold labyrinth is very similar to the green temples back on trance. while trance had a more circular and soft theme to it's architecture and sculpture, entropys is much more square or rectangle oriented. despite this, i think that the golden mazes at least are another religious kind of building, and the architecture is just different because theyre two different cultures who just happen to worship the same spiritual figure (aka melissa. did i say that earlier? i think i did,, if i didnt well the religions worship melissa, not knowing she's a dead human or anything. probably).

moving on, zach notes how the gold labyrinth would probably have been impossible to navigate as any of the other monsters, so turns out face being an asshole was a blessing in disguise after all huh? anyways this place is full of weird gold monsters, lava/fire traps, and stone faces (both in more of an easter island head style and in the regular feminine headshot weve seen so far). zach comes across two feminine heads, one that is more adult looking and pure gold, and another one that looks much younger and whos eyes have red irises and blue scleras. this statue apparently looks a lot like melissa did on the night she died, so zach leaves it pretty quickly. i *think* this is the first time we see the color blue associated with melissa? if it isnt sorry abt that, its been a couple days since i worked on ngcr so ive forgotten some of the smaller or more subtle things by now. GOD i keep getting side tracked ANYWAYS eventually zach finds a non-gold enemy and sees it get picked up by like an arcade crane claw. hes curious so he follows the claw, only to see the monster be put in a big gold cauldron and walk out the side of it as a gold monster.

gonna be honest, no idea what the hell this could mean. like? theres been no themes of corruption or good things becoming evil so far so this just kinda. exists,, yea idk lol. im not part of like any discord servers or anything so all this theorizing and analysis has just been me, maybe getting some small ideas from like random youtube comments or something, so if something ive said so far has been unanimously disagreed with somewhere i dont know about it. thats also why this isnt really a definitive or comprehensive analysis (even tho im trying to be as comprehensive as i can).

anyways zach finds the exit soon after and hes on to the next level type (there's so fucking many of them ik dont worry weve almost gotten to all of them now), the indigo cliffs. the background of these levels is similar to the blue mountains from trance, but now the moon and clouds from the toxic dump background is also here (and colored indigo to match). the music here is just a deep rumbling noise. the first “enemies” he sees here are just a bunch of multicolored little guys coming out of a hole in the ground and jumping off a cliff. were continuing the death theme yall!! anyways zach continues, flying over some more weird creatures (tho some of them just look like dinosaurs lol) before he sees a bunch more of the multicolored guys out and about but this time theyre getting grabbed by birds!! wadda heel!!! zach comments on how the multicolored dudes seem eager to die and thinks maybe the moon has something to do with it (like melissa dude wat!!!! that's crazy /s). at the end of the level there were some more multicolored dudes just walking into a creatures mouth so zach attacked the thing and killed it and the levels over yay!

now its time for the bosses babeyy!!! first zach fights battra (basically an evil moth kaiju), the music is varans theme. battra starts off in his larvae form, where he basically just fought by running into you and shooting stuff at you. while fighting this form, zach noticed that the game buffed mothra because his gamer skillz were too cringe lmaoo. he beats the larvae form and battra goes into his second form, where hes basically a stronger clone of mothra (misogyny). zach fights battra and has fun doing it (for once,, good for him) and he wins yay! next hes fighting megalon (a big beetle/bug kaiju), whos music was gigans theme. im tired when im writing this so ill just give you zachs description of how he fought: “strong, persistent, but dumb”. after this, zach checks out the last tv screen of entropy. this time, it shows a big buff guy with a sack over his head hit a womans head with a sledgehammer while shes tied to a table or something. the music for it was the password theme. i think this is probably here because red is getting angrier? like this guy is still here after i triggered his ptsd?? what the hell!!!

anyways before we get to the last boss we have one last level type to get through- the shadow labyrinth. at this point, zach starts to feel drained because no shit sherlock you just had a panic attack and youve been playing this game for fuckin several hours at this point of course youre fuckin drained. anyways zach enters the shadow labyrinth, which is a black recolor of the gold labyrinth. the music is “evil ambience” similar to unforgiving colds music but distinctly different apparently. there werent any enemies so zach just kinda wandered for a while until the lights turned off, darkening the whole screen and (secretly) spawning tons of spooky enemies thatll chase and hit mothra in the dark. eventually the lights came back on and zach started scrambling to the exit. when the lights turned back off, zach was able to find one of the melissa looking statues and stood next to it. it warded off the monsters while the lights were off, so zach was safe. i think this shows 2 things: 1) its a little more validation for my “religion in this world worships melissa” theory and 2) it foreshadows the way melissa wants to protect zach at the end of the game. zach beat the shadow labyrinth a lot faster than the gold one so were done with all the stages now!! now theres only the last boss and red and were done with entropy!

the last boss is mechagodzilla, but when zach starts the level, normal godzilla is there instead!! its whatever tho bc soon the disguise is gone and its just pretty much the normal mechagodzilla fight (but now hes got a gay beam). at about half health tho, mechagodzillas sprite breaks into pieces like gezoras did way back on earth and reforms into not-mechagodzilla. even tho it looks uncanny (and the usage of the face statue on the front is probably there to further mock zach bc melissa) zach beats it p easily and now its time for the chase. ba dum ba dum thats the sound of a chase.

as usual tho, before i get to the red chase its time to talk about entropy as a planet!! i think the best way to describe the layout is “a big forest with a toxic waste dump in it takes up half the planet while the other half is a large religious temple/labyrinth with a dangerous underbelly”. there doesnt seem to be any intelligent life there now (its all dead by now probably) but there was at some point at least because imean the huge labyrinth is there dude!!! i dont have much to say for this section tbh bc i feel like i've already said everything i wanted to, so its time for the chase ig!!

basically the chase with red here takes place in a labyrinth level bc of course it does. this labyrinth, however, seems to be made of some kind of organic matter. is it flesh? organs? nondescript viscera? idk but it's pulsating and bloody. also this time red has wings too!! anyways, basically zach avoids red throughout the maze, red breaks through one of the walls with his big alien tongue, and zach gets to the end of the maze. nothing crazy happens at the end of this chapter (i think it was crazy enough as is) so thats the end of that and now its time for the penultimate planet- extus.

#ngc ramblings #nes godzilla creepypasta #godzilla nes creepypasta #godzilla nes

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seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana · 4 years

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@catlovingwitch asked me why Diego was my favorite character and I decided to make a post about it :)). And @megatraven LOOK!! I was able to be like you and made a whole post about why I love Diego and this isn’t even all of it either. And if anyone wanna asks me why I love my favorites, then ask me again and I’ll say why! Even if it’s Diego bc I have more to say!!

WELL!! It’s hard to explain why. I haven’t played him in awhile bUTTT IDK WHY FNWBE. I just love him so much. It’s the way that even when he and MC are strangers, he cares for her. Ik he’s a doctor and he’s supposed to care but he wasn’t on duty and didn’t have to care. He doesn’t pry, even if MC does sometimes, AND he feels remorse PLUS he actually does enjoy being a doctor. Not just to do good but also because he enjoys helping people!

The way he puts his doctors coat on MC when she’s sleeping in the bowling alley. He didn’t have to do that, but he did. He put it in her so she would be comfortable while sleeping. He let her sleep in his bed and he may have been a little rude with his responses about “does this look like a bed and breakfast?” But he still offered her comfort and ordered her food and didn’t really judge her for it bc it was a pizza. He worried for her before they became a couple. He’s strong and doesn’t like to show it often because he doesn’t want to hurt people and that’s so sweet. He doesnt take blood from people themselves because he sees it as wrong. He takes her when she wanted to see Victor and when she broke down about Grace, he didn’t judge her. He just held her softly and said “it’s okay. You have to get it out.” And he just held her gently and let her cry because he knows she needs it and because he cares about her.

When he kissed her and noticed his fangs were coming out, he noticed it immediately and stopped because he can’t hurt her. He wouldn’t forgive himself. I bet it was tempting but he couldn’t do it. And when he found out that Victor found her, HE LOST IT ON HIM!! The kind and patient man lost his control on Victor because someone he began to love is in danger and he can’t let her get hurt because of him. I haven’t played him in awhile but I believe he kinda pushes her away at times, but it’s not because he’s angry but it’s because he doesn’t know what to do.

He’s new to this. He hasn’t loved someone romantically in a LONG time so it’s hard to know what to do. PLUS, he doesn’t want to turn her into a vampire because he’d worried about her and doesn’t want her to regret anything. He just wants her happy and tries to teach her about EVERYTHING. Whenever Dracula is coming for him and her, he protects her and is literally like “she is my lover and you WILL treat her with respect.” He was a little afraid of Dracula but he wasn’t afraid to say that he loves MC and will make her be respected.

And when Antonio is like “leave her” Diego is just saying “NO.” The game made it seem like he would, but he couldn’t. He loves her so much and asks her to go with him because he wants to protect her. He doesn’t do the thing where they break up and he disappeares. He took her with him and swore to protect her and it’s just so sweet to me. He loves her and can’t leave her alone. And when he sees Eva again, he notices MCs problem and he’s like “oh, sweetie,” and doesn’t call her ridiculous for her jealousy and worry but comforts her and is saying “I love you and no one can take that love away from me.” AND OH GOD,,

When she was thrown off the roof made me love him more. One of the wives had MC by her neck and Diego is PANICKING. He loves her. He can’t lose her. “Please let her go,” he says trying to make a deal, willing to lose himself, but she drops and he screams. He screams like he is dying because he most likely is. He tells her, “I don’t know what I would do in a life without you in it,” OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. HE CANT LOSE HER BUT NEVER FORCES HIS DESIRES ON HER. And when they’re fighting the wife, you can tell Diego is going at it. She just DARED to hurt his lover and he’s not letting her get away with it. He only lets her go bc MC is sick and needs care. AND THATS WHEN HE TELLS HER HE CANT BE WITHOUT HER IN THE HOTEL. HE LOVES HER SO MUCH!!

And when she got stabbed by Dracula, Diego saw it and witness it happen. He saw the claws go through her back and heard as she screamed. She was dying but he ran with her. He ran for somewhere safe for her. Somewhere where he could hold her. And he realizes he has to turn her. He’s worried for her. His desires of wanting her to live by his side is still pushed aside because he can’t force this on her and is like “Don’t ruin your life for someone else’s happiness” telling her that she doesn’t have to do this!! He will be so sad, probably depressed for eternity, but he can’t force her to do anything because he loves her. And when he turns her he helps her with everything!! Teaches her, comforts her, tells her it’s okay, and even when he pushes her away you know he misses her.

He loves her so much and is so in love that he doesn’t think about himself sometimes. He thinks of her and tries to make sure he isn’t forcing her to do something. He just loves her,,,so much,,and he cares for her and when he’s controlled by Dracula, the most powerful vampire, MC snaps him out of it and he realizes and he loves her so much that he snapped out of it for a moment. His pupils become so wide because Diego is telling himself to STOP. He’s looking at the love of his life and he CANT DO THIS. HE CANT HURT HER. HE WONT HURT HER!!

And away from MC, he cares for everyone! Even JD!! They don’t always get along but he cares and makes sure JD is happy too. Like when JD is missing because of their father, Diego comforts MC and is saying that it’s okay and does his hardest to help everyone!

And my favorite moment of Diego out of his own route, is in Razis route when Baba Yaga (is that her name?? I forgot) has Razis bottle and MC is having nightmares from the laylines, and Diego watches over her. It’s his turn because everyone have shifts, yet he doesn’t stay in the hallway when she wakes up. He comes in, eyes filled with concern and scaring her for a moment, but he apologizes and calms her down and he sits in front of her and says he’ll stay until she goes to sleep. He tucks her back into bed (which is so wholesome of Diego...), and stays for a moment, and MC breaks down. She’s crying and is scared to show it because she doesn’t like to, but once again, Diego doesn’t judge her. He leans in and hugs her to his side. He wanted to make sure she knows she’s loved. That it’s okay to feel sad and show it and say how much he cares for Razi. And he’s like “I’m Razi’s friend and I’m yours as well, you know that, right?” Stating that he cares for her and MAKING SURE SHE KNOWS!! He just cares for her and Razi so much and will make sure she’s safe. And whenever she goes to bed and they wake up in the morning, Diego doesn’t say a word about her red eyes. He keeps it between him and her and I feel like he would comfort her more if she needed it,,,

Mackenzie and Razi are his best friends and he WILL make sure they’re okay. When Mackenzie is hurt in her route he rushes over and is like “don’t you die on me Mackenzie!” And when Razi is hurt in his route, he reacts immediately and helps him as best as he can. He goes to New York in an AFK special to help someone, in Dukes route it’s stated that he loves his wife (who is MC) and watches movies with her every Friday even if he finds them a little ridiculous!!

He wanted to give her The wedding SHE desired, he offered to help Antonio and he cared about him even when Antonio was being basically a little BIH. He cares for everyone and how can’t I love someone like that? And in JDs route when they’re in hell and he’s being controlled, he almost bites MC but gets it under control and he apologizes to her after it and feels truly guilty. He cares and he spreads that love to everyone he knows (and everyone he doesn’t) and how can’t I love him?

How can I not fall for this vampire who cares for his wife, his friends, Antonio who is almost like his brother because they want to kill each other, AND THE WORLD!! HE LOVES ALMOST EVERYONE!! Anyways, that’s a little as to why I love Diego and there’s so much more,,,I said what he did because it’s why I love him. His actions are why I love him and I hope I said it all correctly here in this Chili’s tonight. And Meg I wanted you to see this too bc I’m becoming like you but instead of Alex it’s Diego (I still love the posts of why you love Alex. They’re adorable and wholesome,,,).

If y’all want more reasons tell me bc I hAVE A TON!! AND FOR OTHER CHARACTERS!! IM UP FOR QUESTIONS FOR EVERYONE I LOVE!! ASK ME ANYONE THATS ON MY WHO I WRITE FOR!! I’m always up for talking about my babes😌.

Some proofreading but I may have gotten stuff wrong bc I got homework to do,,,

#lovestruck #my writing #havenfall is for lovers #Havenfall is for lovers Diego #diego escalona #hifl #thank you for the ask in DMs. I just couldn’t explain it all in a DM conversation so I HAD to show it in here. I hope you like it :))).#I love Diego SO MUCHHH #he’s just amazing and deserves love in this world GUYYYSSS

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jawnjendes · 5 years

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bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs," Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #if yall r pissedt abt brian #it had already been establishedt #i made my bed imma fukin lie in it

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drfitzmonster · 5 years

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"does grieving the person i am not interfere with accepting the person i am?" god this is the question ive been asking myself. i feel so acutely the pain youre talking about. i started therapy a few months ago and its like been so rough. cause i started feeling again which ik is good long run. but all im feeling is pain. and mourning my trauma. and whats that line between healthy mourning and spiraling into the depression and devastation of it? sometimes i miss the numb but ig that was worse too

also god how can you articulate my exact self so specifically? yeah. everytime someone comments on my appearance, if its my weight or lack of makeup or my clothing choices that dont fit their idea of ‘woman’ i get so mad bc its on purpose. ik its prob not the healthy response but after all my trauma and having my body taken away from me before i had words for it and then yrs later again when i knew exactly what was happening. like this is my only defense. and then im made to feel ashamed for it

and your right. cause it doesnt work. bc at the end of the day nothing we do to change our appearance will stop a monster. bc it was never about us or what we looked like. and thats validating and reassuring. but also devastating and terrifying. and how do you heal from something like that? where do we take back control in a healthy way ya know? ..ahh sorry this is my sad ramble, ignore me im sorry. shoulda just said im sending you a hug (i am if thats ok) instead of expounding in your inbox.

–

hey there friend. you don’t have to apologize for sharing your feelings with me. while it breaks my heart that other people have been through the same kinds of trauma i have, and are hurting, it also does help me feel less alone. we cannot change what happened to us, we’ll never be able to erase that. so i think one of the most important and healing things we can do for ourselves and for each other is reach out and share our experiences with people we trust, and just be there for each other, support each other, even if it’s just to listen or say “i understand how you feel.”

learning to let yourself feel again is really hard. it’s so overwhelming at first, and so painful and it can be so agonizing. but it gets easier, bit by bit. you start feeling positive things too, you start building connections with people again, or rebuilding connections with people you’ve isolated yourself from. you feel alive, and you even start to feel good sometimes. you start having good moments, happy moments, and sometimes even good days.

but it’s rough and hard work. you started therapy a few months ago, you’re still at the beginning of the recovery process, which is the hardest. i’m really glad you’re seeing a therapist. i’ve been seeing my current therapist for over two years and i would not have been able to make nearly as much progress if it had not been for her help, and the help of my friends and chosen family, and the support of all the kind and caring people i’ve met here and through my writing.

i’m not sure exactly where the line is between healthy mourning and unhealthy obsessing, but mourning is a vital part of the healing process. i think that it may be something your therapist can give you some guidance on, how to grieve in a healthy way that does not interfere with you moving forward in your recovery.

there’s a quote from rilke’s letters to a young poet that had a really big impact on me and how i think about my own trauma recovery:

“If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. In you, dear Mr. Kappus, so much is happening now; you must be patient like someone who is sick, and confident like someone who is recovering; for perhaps you are both. And more: you are also the doctor, who has to watch over himself. But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.”

we are patients and doctors at the same time, that is, we have to take care of ourselves to facilitate our own healing. sometimes our job is to just make it through the day. to let ourselves feel whatever we are feeling, to accept and acknowledge those feelings, because this is what enables us to let them go, and to move forward. i have learned from experience that fighting our feelings doesn’t work. trying to disallow ourselves from feeling whatever it is that we are feeling only makes things worse. we get stuck in conflict, stuck in the exact feelings we don’t want to be having. it is better to let ourselves feel, even when it is painful, even when it is confusing and unpleasant and upsetting.

try not to worry too much about whether the things you have done to protect yourself are healthy or not. they’ve helped you survive this far, and as you progress in your recovery you will learn new healthy ways to cope with your trauma, and you will let go of some of the coping mechanisms you’ve used in the past. some will always remain, and that’s ok.

i hope this is helpful or reassuring in some way. thank you for sharing your feelings with me i really do appreciate your openness and honesty. i hope you have a good day today and i wish you all the luck with your recovery. 💗💗💗

#Anonymous #trauma tw #trauma recovery

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dankmemeuniversity · 6 years

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Why am I constantly so depresso,did I overdose on depressionade

(took a screenshot of this other anon so i could answer both at the same time instead of posting twice)

if u think u might have overdosed on depressionade, the best thing to do would be to stop drinking the depressionade. ;)

but in all seriousness, depression is a mf bitch. you cant let it win bc you are too good for that and you are a badass. as soon as you start to feel depressed you gotta bring out that big dick energy and try and fight it. whether thats getting out of bed, showering, exercising, anything. IM NOT SAYING DOING THESE THINGS ARE THE CURE but u definitely will not get or feel better if u just keep sippin on that ade and doing nothing about it. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS. JUST REMEMBER THAT. YOU CAN OVERCOME IT AND YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE. I BELIEVE IN YOU 83498470%

if you are depressed, dont be scared to reach out. im always here for anyone who is struggling and you can send me a chat on here or message me on any of my other social medias and ill do my best to help you. if you need advice, ill give the best ive got. if u just need someone to listen to u, ill be all ears. if u need a mentor, a friend, a penpal, whatever it may be, ill be that for you.

the best option would be to talk to your doctor or a therapist. sometimes professional or medicinal help is the best way to go. maybe not, but if you talk to someone who knows what theyre doing they can lead you in the right direction. there is no shame in telling your doctor how youre feeling. sometimes its the hardest step, but its crucial. there is also no shame in needing extra help to live happily.

i love all of you and i want you all to be happy. i will continue to spread love and awareness about mental illness online and in my daily life. its important to recognize that mental illness is real and its nothing to be ashamed about. take care of yourself by taking care of your mental illness because you deserve nothing but the best.

suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

#Anonymous

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the-travelling-witch · 2 years

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hi so uhm; i'm just here to vent, and you might find swearing, verbal abuse, talk of depression, and other possibly triggering topics in here. this is your warning!! you can totally just skip over this btw, you don't need to put yourself through the misery of reading through this whole thing.

so lately my life has felt like crap. my mom has self diagnosed herself with depression, but it feels more like pent up frustration. instead of the mom i feel like i knew, she's turned into... something i don't know anymore. she's insulted me, my dad, and my brother (who's her favorite child, by the way) countless times. to set an example of what she says, it goes along the lines of: "rabid dog," "computer addict," "when your dad dies, you'll become a beggar," among others (i'm trying to translate from chinese, which isn't great bcs... well im not 100% fluent in it, even if i can speak it lol). and to top it all off, she says what essentially means that i have a resting bitch face and never smile at home [what is there to smile about when all that ever happens at home is arguments and unhappy things??] and fatshames me. i know, i know, it sounds like a lot to drop but i guess its my own fault for not paying attention when she did these sorts of things in the past.

i'm just curious, is it bad to want some verbal affirmation that you aren't crap, or a piece of shit? is it bad to want a shoulder to cry on, a person to comfort you? because my mom and grandma used to fill those roles, but now my mom is the cause of my emotions and my grandma is, well, in china. and i can't show emotions anymore. at least, when your home feels like a war-zone. sorry about venting so much in your askbox aha, i just needed to get some feelings out

hi there, i’m so sorry you have to go through this and i hope my reply isn’t too late but i wanted to take my time answering this; feel free to read or skip however much of this as makes you comfortable ♡

i’ll be sharing some of my thoughts and experiences under the cut, so again, to everyone who might feel uncomfortable or triggered by this topic, this might not be the post for you

since you said you just needed to vent and because i don’t know enough about your family, circumstances or even culture to give valuable advice and don’t want to risk saying something offensive or harmful, i won’t; but know that i’ve read everything you trusted me with and i’m here to listen and support you

as someone who has spent the majority of the last decade fighting with her mom on the daily, i can feel your pain even if our situations aren’t necessarily the same; she’d come home stressed from work and i would take every comment or sigh personal, which led to lots of passive-aggressive fights and slamming doors; i’d get in a bad mood the second i’d hear her car pull into the driveway and this was also the time i’d cry almost every day, from stress or guilt i don’t know, and i bottled all of those feelings up and never told anyone, even though i just wanted to be comforted

so, let me say this, you’re never wrong for wanting someone to confide in or someone to comfort you, especially when the place you should feel at home in has become a source of stress for you; for me, what was hardest about this was, having the person that has loved me so dearly all my life and has always been a safe space become the person i want to be ‘protected’ from; the fact that this isn’t black or white and that both sentiments can coexist at the same time and are both valid took a while to process

nowadays, we’ve finally stopped being at each other’s throat all the time and yes, i can find comfort with my mom again, but this doesn’t mean everything is sunshine and rainbows; she’ll still come home with a passive-aggressive attitude sometimes and i’ll still take it to heart, however, it’s considerably less common than before and doesn’t result in a full-blown family fight every evening

i’m not sure if reading about my experience has made you feel less alone or was helpful in any other way but i really want to tell you how strong you are; i know it might not feel like that to you but i assure you it’s true

i always thought i had to shoulder everything on my own because i didn’t want to burden anyone with my troubles or because i didn’t want to appear as weak but i was so wrong about that

also, it’s absolutely not your fault for not noticing! when living with someone and seeing them every day, noticing gradual changes is extremely difficult and you can’t blame yourself for someone else’s behaviour, even if it might be harsh to hear

if your family can’t provide the support you need, look outside your own home; for me, my best friend was the first person i confided in because i trust her with more of my personal life than my family and that’s okay; i can almost guarantee that if you reach out, your friends won’t dismiss you and they’ll gladly help you or give you positive affirmation

however, if this seems like something you’re not quite ready for yet (again, this is a very personal topic, so nobody can blame you or force you to open up about it), you can always come talk to me, even if i’m only a stranger on the internet (maybe that’s exactly the kind of distance you need) ♡

for the fact that i didn’t want to give any advice, i’ve been rambling a whole lot, i apologise for that; i hope i could help at least a little bit or make you feel like your not alone in this ♡

#coffee & tea break #letter from: a mysterious sender ❁#again you’re so strong nonnie #and your feelings are valid <3 #don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

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officialvicesandvirtues · 7 years

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Tagged by: @unsolvedbfs (a while ago oops)

Rules: Tag people you want to get to know better!

Appearance: Uhm. Well. I’m 5’5’’ and pretty averagely built. (I have a chest but try my fucking hardest to hide it bc surgery is expensive but I think I do ok with it?). I have short brown hair that’s shorter on the sides and longer on top. Pretty pale. I have 15 tattoos. (Lots of words and stuff. If you wanna see them message me). I can usually be found wearing black Urban Outfitters skinny jeans and a tee and some thick socks. I wear these black Chelsea boots more than any other shoes.

Personality: I’d like to say I’m pretty friendly? I have the absolute worst resting bitch face tho. I like to have things planned out and if something changes I get worked up. Im emotional as fuck. I’m very loyal towards my friends and fight for what I believe in. I suffer from bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Along with sensory processing disorder and attention deficit disorder.

Ability: I can sing and play the ukulele. I sorta play piano somewhat. I can draw (badly). That’s honestly about it? I definitely DONT have the ability to watch shows or movies for hours straight (thanks add).

Hobbies: I like listening to music and making covers sometimes? Also attempting to bake or do graphic design stuff.

Experiences: Uh. I’ve met Brendon Urie, Dallon Weekes, Kenny Harris and Dallon Weekes 3 Times, and met Zack Hall five. Was at Brendon’s birthday concert this past year. That’s honestly about it? Oh! I got to sit in on Jimmy Fallon’s show and meet him when I went to New York like 6 years ago, and I saw Darren Criss on Broadway.

My Life: Working as a team lead at Urban Outfitters 24/7 to move out of my shitty parents house and away from my abusive mother. Currently striving to save money to go see Tessa in Portland.

Random Stuff: I’m a Libra, INFP. I am a proud hufflepuff. Twenty Two years old. I really love musicals and for like 10 years when I was younger I wanted to be on Broadway. I have 6 (I just counted) blankets on my bed. Tessa, Gee, Brendon, Holly and Jeff are my best friends on here. I only just got into Star Wars this past summer but I would die for Luke Skywalker. I saw The Last Jedi at 5am the day it came out, alone.

Tagging: anyone bc im lazy.

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mahiaemerga-blog · 7 years

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long rant below health related triggers apply will delete this in a bit, just needed to get it out

I just watched a buzzfeed video about how hard it is to live with endometriosis and im actually fucking crying right now bc she touched on everything. the pain, the missing work, the feeling of feeling like there’s something wrong with you or that you’re broken. The not having people believe you about how bad it can get or the fact that it’s ALWAYS there. GOOD days are so few and far between. I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I have actually felt moderately ok in these past two years. No one believed me for the longest time (some still don’t) about just how unbearable it really is some days... I’ve been yelled at/reprimanded for having to leave work early (sometimes after only a few hours) despite the fact that I had already thrown up AT LEAST twice before asking to go. Despite the fact that I would push myself way beyond what I should have just to get as much work done as I could because I knew when I came in the next day people would be furious with me and would give me a hard time about it, but maybe if I pushed through as much of my job as I could, they wouldn’t be as mad. I would (and still) apologize for constantly feeling sick... which is ridiculous! It’s not my fault. But, even on my birthday the pain started when I was out eating with my family... and my mom didn’t want to believe me because “you were fine when we got here”. No, I wasn’t. I’m never fine. I haven’t been anywhere near fine for over two years. And the pain can start up out of nowhere whenever the hell it wants. One minute I can be smiling and laughing and trying to have a good time.... and the next I can be hunched over in the bathroom, trying to decide whether or not I should bother my family with taking me to the emergency room so they can give me something strong enough to make it stop. And even when I’m in so much pain I can’t see straight, I’m still ALWAYS apologizing. Apologizing for being in pain, apologizing for not being able to do fun family stuff, apologizing for not feeling up to socializing with anyone. I’ve even had to start apologizing to my mom over and over again for not having my driver’s license yet, despite the fact the idea of driving fucking terrifies me right now. I could be out on the highway and suddenly have pain so bad I black out. And then what? BUT SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE ME. Even though she has brought me to the ER, to urgent clinics, to test after test after test, I don’t think she actually comprehends how terrible it can get. No one around me seems to get it and that’s the hardest part. I get laughed at for taking very frequent showers, because it helps hold back the pain when it gets bad. I get dirty looks whenever I can’t go out for supper with my family or run simple errands. As mentioned before I got yelled at for having to leave work. My family is getting sick of listening to me whine. My friends, while trying to be supportive, don’t understand what’s wrong with me and don’t know how to help. I’ve had doctors DOCTORS tell me I’m being overdramatic, that it can’t possibly be that bad or I wouldn’t be able to live a normal life. NEWS FLASH: I’m not. Doing anything normal is impossible. I can’t drive. I can’t date because I mean who would want to put up with a girlfriend with this amount of bullshit? I can barely hang out with friends. It interferes with my hobbies like piano, and writing, and crafting, and baking. Any hope of a stable career is slipping away real damn fast. And then you pile on the severe anxiety disorder which definitely doesn’t help the pain, and the depression which just keeps getting worse to where i actually considered hurting myself again for the first time in a long time bc hey at least that’s a pain I can control and maybe it’ll give me some semblance of agency over my own body??? I don’t know I’m just tired of constantly feeling like a screw up. I’m tired of being sorry for things I have no control over, but I’m sorry for being a burden on everybody I love, I’m sorry for existing some days. There is honestly a very scary part of me that would be perfectly okay if I didn’t wake up tomorrow morning and it’s getting harder to fight that part off I just want to be done.

#ʷiⁿᵍˡᵉˢˢ --- OOC #health tw #self harm tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #i might not be on for a while today. I'm going to go do a little house work and see if that helpes at all #I just need to calm down before i try doing anything here

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call-of-quileutes-blog · 7 years

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The first 30 asks lmao

why are you like this

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

basically im just a depressed piece of shit with no control over my life and it’s confusing af lolol2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

sometimes holly will send me good morning texts but i kno its only bc she’s having a shitty one and on some occasions alex will when he’s not super busy

and sometimes some asshole will send one to the groupchat and then they’re all goin off about how much they “love each other” and how they “hope everyone has a good day” 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

alex was a huge pot head when we first met and i was like “eh whatever” at the time but like now i wouldn’t care if it was just a recreational thing but if it was an every day, nonstop thing that effected his life in a negative way i’d be like “bruh you need to stop”

(im just saying this bc i’ve seen this happen to ppl before who’ve become too reliant on using marijuana as a coping mechanism and it isn’t pretty) 4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

no. you have to be at least a lvl 12 friend or higher to unlock my tragic backstory

also people are just shitty lolol5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

i was stuck in mystic messenger hell and ignoring my friends6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

no one. my friends are actually chasing me as i run down the street trying to fight someone who made fun of my jacket

alternatively, @masochisticlion and i will be tearing up the streets near you look forward to it; summer 20207: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

BYE BITCH. SAYONARA.8: Are you close with your dad?

we have a decent relationship but we’re not like bffs9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

yea i give alex a kiss every night when i tuck him into bed and then i fart on him10: What are you listening to?

pitbull, DALE11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

diet coke, im fckin garbage yall12: Do you like hickeys?

not really i like to keep it professional lolol

(i actually caught my coworker w a hickey yesterday lololol)13: What time do you go to bed?

between 10pm and 2am14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

yes (spoiler alert its my boss bc she’s always fckin me over on the schedule)15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

i don’t think so. if i can’t use both hands then im not gonna bother lol16: Do you always answer your texts?

no im actually the queen of ghosting and my friend called me out on it like damn b17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

only when he makes me cook18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

i talk to @masochisticlion literally everyday and my other besties usually get to hear from me at least twice a week19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

yes!! @sagittarifag & @itslaurenithink

(also saeyoung choi if anyone was wondering and abby too when we finally get to meet)20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

’fck im tired’21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

just my cats~22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

yes23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

i’ve been a depressed piece of shit for years i feel nothing24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no. if i left you in the past we’re done i don’t have time to rekindle lol25: In the past week, have you cried?

omg yes i’ve cried so much in the last week it’s ridiculous im goin crazy man26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

like a rust color with a big cat on it (the amount of animal tees i own is ridiculous jsyk)27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

they called me “fuckin shoemaker” for a minute (literally like two months and it was the best two months of my life) but then they just stopped and now everyone calls me lace face :(28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

i think holly is bc i called her out on her stupid relationship lolol29: Do you have a best friend?

i have like six but thats bc they’re my only friends and they’re all my best friends i don’t believe in that acquaintances bullshit30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

if it was as a joke, no. but if it was serious, yes. but lbr im the best thing that’s ever happened to alex (or anyone i kno, really) so he’d never do me dirty lolol

#this is so fckn long wtf juno

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riddlebot · 7 years

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i’ve been playing a shit ton of da:i lately bc i missed my inquisitor so imma talk about him a bit idk

i decided on twitter that i was going to have him be a sort of mixture of all my favorite things about the previous inquisitors i made that i got rid of like 6 months ago so:

- he’ll get a fade related tattoo on whats left of his arm after solas takes it - he cuts his hair off when solas leaves, it grows back some by the time trespasser takes place (so he goes from the long hair w/ undercut to buzzed, and then it’ll be one of the shorter styles idk yet we’ll see when we get there) - he believes in both the maker and the dalish gods

somewhere in his tag like 9 months ago i made a post about his relationship w/ all the companions/advisors and i need to revisit the important ones so:

cassandra: they’re even closer than i expected them to be, her faith in him means so much and he really respects and loves her, she’s like an older sister to him? she’s very important to him, and whenever he doubts himself its her faith and belief in the inquisition and him that holds him up.

solas: they’re still gay sorry bioware you can’t stop me from romancing him in my head w/ a dude fuck you solas is bi FUCK YOU. anyways, i’:m edging closer to the end of the game every second so things between them are currently...stressed. mahvir loves solas, but he can tell something is.... off. and after their fight about mahvir’s choice to drink from the well of sorrows, its been strained. it hasnt happened yet but when solas leaves, its gonna... its gonna hurt mahvir really bad. god trespasser is going to be so depressing for him.

cole: i dont think i had them be as close as they are now originally, but mahvir often finds peace with cole. everything is so stressful and hectic and scary, but with cole he can sit on the castle walls and look at clouds and birds and just. ground himself in those moments. he also thinks cole is hilarious, and teaches him lots of jokes, and tells him a lot of stories. cole is a good learner, and listener.

sera: he and sera are thick as thieves of course. they did argue about what happened in the arbor wilds, but she relented and lets him have his beliefs, regardless of how nonsensical and stupid she thinks they are. they settled it, and it doesnt come up now. instead, the have target practice, and pull pranks to keep up morale (and because its fucking fun) mahvir worries about her, because she’s so much more visibly stressed/scared than anyone else, but he doesnt tell her that.

blackwall: blackwall is still like, the most fatherly figure in mahvirs life. the whole thom rainer thing really shook him for awhile, but he forgives quickly. at least, more quickly than others. they dont talk about it, really. but mahvir often stops by the stables to see how blackwall is holding up, and just to enjoy his company.

dorian: dorian and mahvir are very close. they are often exchanging books and having chess matches in the garden, or just... talking. mahvir gets into the habit of grabbing random recruits and asking them to take very important messages to dorian, which are actually just scribbles and jokes. dorian thinks its hilarious, and responds in kind.

i havent gotten there with him yet but im just gonna talk about trespasser feels bc its all i can think about its like looming over me:

so when solas leaves after end game mahvir is gonna cry and be a huge baby because he’s soft and he’s young and thats his vhenan, why did he leave? he doesnt understand and pesters the advisors to expend resources to find him, but to no avail. he doesnt want to be found.

after awhile, mahvir throws himself completely into inquisition business, it worries a lot of people, but he’s stopped openly weeping in the rotunda so its a start, maybe. they don’t know that most nights he dreads sleep, and stays awake crying or staring at the fireplace despondently. he only sleeps when exhaustion catches up with him.

and after that.... he gets it together. things go back to normal, he goes back to normal, and before he knows it, its the Exalted Council.

he and josie are doing so much, working so hard, trying their hardest to keep the inquisition alive, when shit hits the fan.

when he sees solas again, he has so many emotions rush over him at once he falls to his knees under the weight of it all in his chest. relief, love, heartache, sorrow.

solas talks to him, and mahvir tries to make him see reason. solas takes the anchor, gently, and mahvir is beside himself with grief and confusion.

he’ll keep the inquisition going, they’re strong and they’ll need to be, to find out how to stop solas.

#mahvir #ocs #idk this is super long and unimportant to literally everyone but me

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