#do u know how many hate trains i’ve seen over idols in relationships IN THE PAST MONTH

[eeunoia]

An Idol’s Girl | l.ty

Note ⚠⚠⚠ : This will be my first blog so I’m sorry if it’s not good??? I really just can’t help but to write this ehe. Adios.

Summary: Y/N as a trainee and Lee Taeyong as her boyfriend. Kind of sum up everything.

This is so terrible but I can’t stop myself from writing this and posting it so rip to those who will encounter this to their newsfeeds??? hehehe. Don;t hate me tho, I’m like new to all of this so bare with me??

"To the world, NCT! Annyeonghaseyo NCT-imnida." I smiled as I watched them bow their heads in front of their fans. My eyes stared from the first boy from the left up until to the last one. They sure crowd the whole stage with all of their members.

I can say that SM Entertainment's future will really be bright because of them. With their visual like faces and their unbelievable talents, they will surely be remarkable.

Everyone's eye catching I can say that, but one man surely captured my eyes and my heart.

I smiled when he slightly caught me staring, Lee Taeyong. He was smiling while waving at their fans but when we locked our eyes, his smile disappeared for a while.

I pursed my lips as that hurt me. Why am I even surprised? And why the hell did I went here even though I know he won't be happy with it?

I sighed heavily as I slowly squished myself out of their loud fans. They were screaming and pushing each other but luckily, I made it out alive and a whole piece.

When I was already making my way out of the venue my phone rang so I fished it out from my pocket as I slightly hugged myself because of the cold breeze.

"Hello?"

"Where are you right now, Y/n? Did you make it in NCT's showcase?"

I smiled when I heard Jiguem Unnie's voice at the other line. She's a trainee from the Sm Entertainment together with me. We've known each other for years since we started training.

"Neh, but I'll be there in 15 minutes."

"Eh? Why?"

Of course she'll wonder why! The showcase is for 4 hours and I've been gone for only 1 hour.

I stayed silent, didn't really find the right words to say. I heard her heavy sigh and I knew she already figured out what happen.

"What did your asshole boyfriend did once again?"

The corner of my lips rose up not because I'm happy. But because of how I find things awful. He's my boyfriend and I'm just trying to support him.

"N-Nothing," i almost hit myself in my imagination because I stuttered.

"You know what? I can't believe why you still endure that relationship of yours with Lee Taeyong when you can just break up with him."

"I love him." that's the sad fact here. I love Taeyong but I'm not sure if he still feel the same way towards me.

We met the first time when our President wants the trainees to perform in one of the company's family concert. We were thrilled when we first heard about it. It will be the time Sm Ent. will introduce their trainees.

So all of us were gathered in one of the meeting halls to discuss about the said event. There is where I met him. I didn't like him at first because I don't like the way he makes me nervous.

With his visual that looks like he's been pulled off from an anime, he surely looks unreal. He have this sharp features that made him look intimidating.

It was hard for me to get close with him when I find it easy with the others. I'm a very friendly person and I get along with other people pretty well so I find it odd for me to feel different around him. That's when I realize I like him.

After a month of knowing each other, Jaehyun told me that Taeyong wanted to be close to me. I didn't believed it at first as I never saw him try. But then he started showing interest at me. He asked me out in coffee dates during our free days. It was fun!

Soon we slowly grew feelings for each other that pretty much led into a relationship. It was great actually. The first three months were just us showing how much we cared for one another. The management even knows about us and didn't really went against. I was close with his co-trainees as well.

We were doing fine until they started getting busy for their debut as NCT U. I was very excited for him and really rooting for his success. I knew how hardworking he is so he deserves this.

But as he slowly approach his dream, thats when we grew apart. We started hanging out less. I understand it of course. We started having big fights that led me to sleepless nights.

Our relationship went from a happy one to a dull commitment. My friends kept on telling me to just let him go because they think it's just not meant to be, but I'm just stubborn. I want to hold on. I don't know why, but I want to.

"Still no text?" I glanced over one of my co-trainee when she asked me that. She probably noticed I've been checking my phone too many times today.

I shook my head slowly and pouted my lips because of unhappy feeling that I've felt.

"Maybe he's just busy, Y/n-ah." Jiguem unnie said trying to lighten up my mood.

"I'm texting Mark, he said they're not busy today." Koeun said frankly.

I sighed heavily as it slowly sink into me. I get it! He's avoiding me. But I just don't know his reason! I can't remember that we argue about something? The last time we talk is me saying good luck for their comeback! I even let him do as he please, I don't confront him for all the days he's been so cold to me. I let that pass since I want him to focus with his comeback.

"Maybe he's cheating behind your back?" My thoughts were interrupted by one of the other trainees. We all looked at her in unison.

"(Trainee name)!" the other trainees called out her name with their warning tone. I saw how she just gave us a shrug.

I'm close to all of them and they're all just worried about me. They don't want Taeyong taking me for granted.

"What? We can't just feed Y/n lies! We have to be honest here. We all know her boyfriend is being an asshole so if he's cheating behind her back won't shock me at all." She said then rolled her eyes.

I understand her. She cares for me that's why she's like that. She doesn't want me to be hurt.

I unconsciously bit my nails as the possibility suddenly kicks in my thought. My heard thump in distress as I silently wish it won't be true. I knew for some reason that he loves me. Not as much as I probably love him but I'm sure he still loves me, right? I mean he won't stay in a relationship with me if he doesn't.

"Just confront him about it. Ask him why he's acting this way." Jiguem unnie suggested that I ended up just agreeing to. I don't have a choice because I also think that will be the best decision to do right now.

________

I'm here waiting for him outside their apartment building. It's just a couple of blocks away from where we're staying so I just walked myself here. It's already night time so nobody's around. The streets are dead silent and almost scary if it wasn't for the peaceful vibe.

I breath in some fresh air and tried to sit at the corner to wait for him. Jaehyun said that Taeyong usually go in the convenient store during this time to avoid people so he'll be out anytime soon.

I snapped my head over the other side when I heard some noise and there he is. Lee Taeyong wearing his hoody and a sweat pants. He didn't have his hood on so it was easy for me to notice his bright red hair color.

I smiled at the sight of him and felt how I badly I missed him. I was about to walk towards him but my steps halted when I saw him happily talking through his phone. Who is he talking to?

"Taeyong oppa." I called him. He looked at me and his smile slowly fades.

"I'll call you again." He said. He hangs up then looked at me. I wanted to ask who it was but I just want to hug him. I haven't seen him for weeks!

"Y/n? What are you doing here?" There isn't a smiling Taeyong anymore. Now, only a slightly mad with furrowing brows Taeyong is present.

"Jaehyun oppa said you usually go out during this hour so I tried my luck and hoped I'll see you." I said then pout. I saw how he clenched his jaw then sighed heavily.

"Come on, I'll take you back to your dorm." I just gave him a nod before walking behind him.

At least I got to walk with him and spend a couple of minutes together, right?

The girls and I are now sharing a dorm since they're already planning our debut. Finally.

Since it wasn't that far, we arrived fast. I was pouting and a little sad since we haven't really talk even during the walk.

I faced him and bit my lip as I saw him staring at me intently. It wasn't the same way he stares at me but I don't care. I believe that I can still fix this. I can still fix us.

"Taeyong, can we hang out tomorrow?" I asked him smiling. He sighed.

"You know I can't be seen in public, right?"  He sounded a bit sarcastic that made me sad even more. He never been sarcastic to me before just when he wants to tease me.

"I didn't mean we go out in public places. We c-can hang out in the Sm Building like before." I said really trying to spend some time with him.

His eyes were cold while staring at me. Like as if he was staring at someone he doesn't know, someone he doesn't care about. And it hurst me. It hurts me big time.

"I'm busy. Why tomorrow?" he asked carelessly.

I felt my eyes heated up after what he asked and I just tried to pull up a smile so he won't notice it.

"Ah~ Nothing! Nevermind, thank you for walking me here and take care on your way back." I said then bowed my head before hurrying myself inside.

I sighed. A deep one. How come he always forgot our monthsary?

When I entered the dorm, they were all in the living room watching some kdrama. They were laughing but when they saw me, their mood changes up.

"What happened? Why are you back so early?" one of them asked.

"Where is Taeyong? Did you guys talk?"

"Hey, are you okay?" Jiguem unnie asked and it almost made me breakdown right there. But I stopped myself. I put so much trouble in us already. I don't want them getting messed up because of my emotions.

I tried smiling but I didn't know if it went well.

"I'm okay. I'll head to my room first." And I didn't wait for their response. I just walk my ass in my room like a lifeless creature.

When I made it inside the room felt quiet and empty. I hated it. I used to fill this room with laughter and giggles because of him but now it's plain... lifeless. Like me.

I was about to lay down when my phone beeped. I lazily fished it from my pocket and saw that Jaehyun sent me a message.

______________________________________________________________

Jaehyun

I think Taeyong is cheating behind your back, Y/n. I'm sorry.

Part 2

[i-found-you-in-a-fanfic]

[ Butterflies ]

Summary: Butterflies are childish. Every person can remember a time in their life- no matter how brief- where they were mesmerized with the beauty of such an insect. The creature is littered through kid’s shows and coloring books- how could anyone expect them to go unnoticed? The colorful patterns; intriguing paths to adulthood; the way that they float through the air, balancing on the breeze all make for a delicate, ethereal form of life. Beautiful is the only word to describe their existence, no matter how juvenile. But, just like every beautiful thing, butterflies hold much darker secrets. And they are not made for children’s ears.

Contains: Iwaoi, poem at the end, figurative language, sad oikawa, su*cidal thoughts, anxious oikawa, hurt/comfort, pining oikawa

A/N: hi, i’ve done another thing. hope u enjoy! - Mod Kunimi

Butterflies are childish. Every person can remember a time in their life- no matter how brief- where they were mesmerized with the beauty of such an insect. The creature is littered through kid’s shows and coloring books- how could anyone expect them to go unnoticed? The colorful patterns; intriguing paths to adulthood; the way that they float through the air, balancing on the breeze all make for a delicate, ethereal form of life. Beautiful is the only word to describe their existence, no matter how juvenile.

But, just like every beautiful thing, butterflies hold much darker secrets. And they are not made for children’s ears.

Oikawa found himself fascinated with the creature. Though he hated insects- ask Iwaizumi; Oikawa was terrified- he never had even the slightest aversion to butterflies. They were too perfectly flawed, too delicately broken, too similar to him to trigger a phobia.

The sight of them did make him a little sad, though.

What most people think of when they see a butterfly is their beauty. People watch every flap of their wings, trace every marking embedded in their body, not even thinking about what darker fate awaits them. People see every dip in their flight as graceful instead of the strain from the weight of life. People see every splash of color on the insect as effortless beauty instead of a mask to make everyone happy. In this way, Oikawa was a butterfly.

Oikawa hoped he wasn’t too similar to the creature, despite its beauty and the love it received. Butterflies may bring joy while they’re alive, but that doesn’t last long. One of the many bittersweet truths about a butterfly is that life takes a toll on them faster than it does most. It becomes a struggle to keep flying, keep posing, keep living very soon in the life of a butterfly. As it does for humans sometimes. Even if mother nature doesn’t erase people as quickly and naturally as it blows away butterflies, that doesn’t mean that humans don’t feel the pressure of simply being. And that doesn’t mean that humans can’t erase themselves before mother nature has a chance to.

Hence, the reason Oikawa was splayed out on a bench in the park at 1am. Pondering the meaning of his life, like any teen would from time to time. Like a butterfly, would his life wink away as quickly as it came into view? Did he want that to happen? Oikawa had been asking himself these questions for the last 30 minutes, and he could assure anyone with 100 percent confidence that he wasn’t getting anywhere. His brain cells had left the chat about 5 minutes into this train-wreck of thought, and they were nowhere to be found.

Maybe he was thinking too hard. Maybe butterflies weren’t worried about what others thought of them. Maybe the beauty wasn’t a mask, maybe it was effortless and simple. Maybe every dip in their flight was just a minor setback caused by the wind. Maybe butterflies were just bugs like everyone said they were.

Maybe he was alone in his feeling alone.

Oikawa’s breath materialized in front of him in the icy air. He had so many friends, so many admirers, yet felt so alone. That was unfair to all of those who had no one to turn to, those who actually were all by themselves. He should feel grateful, because there were so many people who had it worse than he did.

Then why did he feel anything but grateful?

Why were the butterflies still crowding his lungs and stomach, restricting his air and choking out his happiness? Why were the insects growing, duplicating, vibrating in his throat until he felt that the edges of the wings would split through his throat? What was wrong with him?

Usually, butterflies were a symbol of beauty.

Beauty is known to be deadly.

Oikawa wasn’t supposed to feel sad. He had everything. Like a butterfly, he was beautiful and delicate. So many loved him. So many envied him.

So many misunderstood him.

A tear dripped down his cheek, the only sign that he was anything but happy in the darkness. He wondered if everybody would still envy him if they saw him now. Would the girls who squeal over his nonchalant grins still be so delighted if they knew every smile was fake? Would people adore and idolize him if they saw him, sitting alone, crying in the dark? Would he be so popular if everyone knew he was in love with his best friend, a feeling that could destroy their entire relationship? Would people still love butterflies if they knew that the elegant creatures weren’t what they seemed?

Would anybody ever love him if he showed that he wasn’t what he seemed?

The fog grew thick over Oikawa, a tornado of insects hovering over his face and body. It was hard to escape a feeling like this. When he was anxious, sad, or anything in between, he always left a cloud of insects in his wake. When he was anxious, sad, or anything in between, they weren’t butterflies anymore. They were just bugs, clawing at his skin to remind him that nobody is perfect and never could be. Why reach for the stars if so many have settled for the moon? Why follow the crappy Pinterest quotes to ‘be yourself’ when you know that nobody will accept you that way?

Spiraling down, further and further. Oikawa found it hard to snap out of funks that got this bad. By the time he couldn’t breathe or think clearly, when he noticed what was going on, it was usually too late. The layer of insects was skin-tight. This kind of thinking is what drove him to get so mad at Kageyama and Ushijima. This kind of thinking is what drove him to almost hit Kageyama. This kind of thinking destroyed him, telling him the worst things he could hear at the moment. Things that nobody would actually say to another person.

That didn’t matter. He heard those things anyway.

Oikawa was deep in the thought spiral now. All he could do was lay on the bench, crying, as his own thoughts turned against him. He wanted to free himself, to blow away the insects and rejoice with the butterflies, to show himself and take on the world. But he couldn’t do any of that while stuck in the shackles, bolted to the ground with heavy weights. Stuck in the crawling, buzzing, skin-tight suit of bugs.

This is when the thoughts got worse. The thoughts that held a silent taboo over so many people, and scared some into submission. The line that cleared the blur from normal and broken. The thoughts that told him that he wouldn’t regret it if he ended everything. There wouldn’t be a way for him to regret it. It would all be over, all the pain, all the crying. All of it gone.

He hated how much the thoughts made sense.

Oikawa’s phone lit up, snapping enough of him back together so that he could read the text through his blurry eyes.

Iwaizumi: Hey, is that you outside at the park?

The insects began to retreat, whispering their sweet promises to return soon. Oikawa filled his newly-freed lungs with air before texting out a response.

Oikawa: Yeah! I’m just watching the stars. It’s so peaceful out, I couldn’t help myself! Iwaizumi: Mhm. Iwaizumi: Look behind you.

Oikawa clicked off his phone and sighed. How would he explain this? How much had Iwaizumi seen?

“It seems you’re stalking me, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa put the happiness in his voice perfectly, like he wasn’t just crying a second ago. Over the years, he’d gotten scarily good at disguising his face, voice, and emotions. It came naturally now. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

“Oikawa, you were sobbing.” Way to state the obvious. If Iwaizumi was waiting for confirmation, Oikawa didn’t give him any. He didn’t deny what his best friend said either. “What’s wrong?”

Iwaizumi sat down on the bench, right next to Oikawa. His presence blew the remaining insects off of Oikawa’s skin, and replaced them with a few butterflies of his own. One of the many reasons Oikawa was in love with him. He not only helped scare away the bad, terrible thoughts that could twist him into an ever-tightening spiral, but he added butterflies. He didn’t only defend, he gave. He gave even though he had no idea what he was giving to Oikawa, and why Oikawa needed it.

Of course, Iwaizumi had no idea about his thought spirals and panic attacks. Of course, Iwaizumi is going to wonder what he just walked in on. Of course, Oikawa doesn’t want to tell him.

Of course, this is a huge problem.

“Oikawa?” Iwaizumi asked. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

Ah yes. He should probably answer the question.

“Nothing’s wrong, Iwa-chan! I was laughing, not crying.” The darkness blanketed most things at that time of night, but Oikawa could still see Iwaizumi’s eyebrows furrow.

“Don’t lie to me.” Iwaizumi’s soft breathing triggered a ripple of movement through the butterflies in his stomach. Everybody knew about those butterflies, the use of ‘butterflies in the stomach’ was probably one of the most overused analogies in writing. But, naturally, Oikawa had them along with all of his other butterflies.

And their flapping wings pumped blood into Oikawa’s cheeks in a flush that spread over his nose and chin.

“I was just thinking.” It was an answer. No matter how small Oikawa’s voice was when he said it, or the fact that ‘I was just thinking’ could mean literally anything, it was an answer and Oikawa deserved at least a little bit of credit for that.

With every second of silence, his heartbeat triggered a surge of movement from the wings inside his body.

Is it possible to feel the outline of each, individual butterfly in your body even when you know they aren’t physically there?

Iwaizumi pulled Oikawa into his chest, strong against the struggle that the latter put up. The sound of both boys’ heartbeats falling into sync relaxed the tension hovering around the pair. “Do you want to tell me more?”

Yes.

Yes he did.

“Not really.” They both knew this was a lie. It was so blatantly obvious, light against the surrounding darkness. The lie was so clear, you could see through it with no effort or thinking at all. And Oikawa was supposed to be an experienced liar.

“Oikawa?”

His name was all it took to destroy the dam. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. All of these years of keeping secrets and feelings inside, and his name was all it took to release them. He didn’t know he could reach this level of pathetic. But it was happening. He was spilling everything- secrets, tears, hopes, fears.

The butterflies were set loose.

To Iwaizumi’s credit, he listened. He comforted and heard Oikawa out. He actually wanted to help. He actually did help. This was why Oikawa loved him. Because Iwaizumi may not understand everything, but he tried to. He cared, understood, and helped. He helped set Oikawa free.

Oikawa knew that even though he opened up, he wasn’t free. The insects would come back. But for now, he was free. And for now, that was all that mattered.

As Oikawa’s rant sputtered to a stop, he was painfully aware of the fact that he just spilled everything. Well. Everything except his enormous amount of love for Iwaizumi. But that could say a secret, at least for now.

“Do you hate me?” Oikawa’s voice trembled, outlining every butterfly that was living in his small, choked-up throat.

Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa for a good 5 seconds before answering. “Of course not. Oikawa, everyone has things they need to deal with, things they are ashamed of. I only wish that you told me sooner, so I could have helped you before it got this bad.”

Oikawa was crying again. This boy was getting a massive headache and needed water stat.

“I’m sorry you felt like you had to keep this a secret.” Iwaizumi went on. “If I knew you were depressed, I definitely would have tried to make you feel at least a little bit better. I know it’s hard, feeling like you don’t belong. Feeling like the butterflies could eat you up at any moment, leaving nothing but an empty space of where you used to be. Wondering if anybody would care if you left. I know how it feels. And I would never leave you because of it.”

Oikawa wiped his nose on Iwaizumi’s shirt. He would have asked if Iwaizumi minded, but at this point it was already soggy with snot and tears. Using the shirt as a tissue again couldn’t make the mess any worse. He was just happy. So happy that Iwaizumi understood. Even happier that Iwaizumi didn’t hate him for it.

“God, I love you so much.”

Oikawa did not mean to say that out loud. If Iwaizumi didn’t hate him already, he would now. Who confessed their lies, depression, anxiety, and love to somebody all in one breath? Apparently Oikawa did.

When Oikawa realized what he said, he froze. Every movement of his hands, the falling of a tear, the buzzing of a butterfly stopped. He couldn’t bring himself to look Iwaizumi straight in the eyes.

But Iwaizumi’s warm laugh told Oikawa that he didn’t need to worry.

“I love you too, Oikawa. You can stop worrying. I’m here.”

And he was. He was there, holding Oikawa in his arms. He was there, wiping away the tears and sacrificing his shirt to take the place of a tissue. He was there to ease Oikawa’s pain and prevent him from hurting again. He was there.

The insects faded.

The butterflies were back. Spreading from his stomach to his lungs. Lungs to his throat. But he now knew what they meant. They meant something different to every person, depending on where that person was in life. For Oikawa, at first, they were happiness and beauty. Then they spun themselves into a chrysalis of fear, loneliness, and depression. When they emerged from the cave, they weren’t new. They were old and worn, they had seen so much already in their short lives.

But they were a new emotion. They weren’t innocent- it was too late for that. They weren’t the ‘feeling of being understood’. That’s just a sappy line from a kid’s show. They were hopeful. Hopeful of a future that had once seemed dark and bleak. The butterflies spoke of new, foreign feelings, anticipation and hope, strength and hope.

That may also seem to be a line straight from a children’s show, but butterflies were known to be childish. They were depicted as beautiful, innocent, and juvenile. They were ethereal and intriguing.

But they held secrets that were not meant for children’s ears.

Oikawa was beginning to think that the secrets might not be so dark after all.

How is it that you float through life, so elegant and untroubled Envious of how your story ends Life doesn’t treat me so easily Put me to sleep with a smile and a kiss Underprivileged in the eyes of my heart Show me how to live again Acquaint me with your eyes, smile, stars Loving even through our Last words

[ This story is also on my ao3 here! ]

[twiceblackvelvet]

im the person who asked for the 10th emmber reaction!!! thank u omg i loved it and u did so fast it's great!! can i please request a reaction based on that prompt but for jeongyeon??? thank u so much!!!!

A/N; hope you enjoy anon, thank you for both requests🖤

Being a member of the nation’s biggest girl-group comes with immense pressure. If there isn’t a camera in front of your face like there is currently, it would be unusual. A lot of that time is spent with a smile convincing enough to please your adoring fans, however, the nine girls you share the stage with know that it isn’t the real you. Truthfully, your journey to becoming a member of TWICE was rough. The rules against what you can and can’t do, the constant training and evaluations almost shattered your spirit, confidence, and dream to even potentially debut never mind make it as an idol. 

Amazingly, all of those things are not what has caused you to often lock yourself inside your room in the dorm. You don’t avoid people because of your experiences from before your debut. It’s because every day you’re reminded by one member in particular that you’re not wanted. Of course, it’s never been said to you with words but you’ve always believed that actions speak far louder. 

Your audition process was fairly simple, you recorded two videos of you singing and one of you dancing and sent it off to the company after having been spotted at a fan meeting for a rookie group your friend liked. You were invited to the company for an evaluation and the next thing you know, you’re signing a contract and your training soon began. At first, it was all a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. You were in awe of all of the talented people you’d casually bump into every now and then. But all of that changed when you met her. 

Jeongyeon was already a trainee when you entered JYP but the two of you had never met until a few months after you had signed. The dance studio was always where you felt the most comfortable, whether it be to let loose yourself or watch the other trainees work on new choreography. The world must have been out to get you the first day you met her though as it’s by far the most embarrassing moment of your life thus far.

Your hand gripping a reusable coffee cup being knocked by Jeongyeon’s body as she entered the studio door you were exiting and spilling over the both of you is not the first impression you’d wish to make on anyone, yet it’s what both of you are stuck with when thinking back to your first meeting. Even thinking about it now makes your toes curl and head pound in frustration because that split-second moment of stupidity has led you to be stuck in this current position of Jeongyeon seemingly hating your entire existence. 

Your relationship with the other members of TWICE is strong. The bond you hold with each of them is so special to you that you can’t imagine ever doing anything to jeopardize that. They’ve all always made sure to reassure you whenever you’ve had second-thoughts or doubts about your talent. But the more you think about how Jeongyeon will avoid all conversations with you or refuses to spend longer than three seconds alone with you, the more frustrated and angry you become. But now is not the place or time to be thinking about the fact that you’re deeply disliked by someone you’re supposed to be close to and who fans call one of your ‘sisters’. 

So, as you sit and listen to the interviewers’ questions about what you’ve all been getting up to lately and asking you to offer compliments to each of the members one by one, your brain turns back into work mode and throws out the easiest lie you can think of on the spot when you finally reach her name. 

“Jeongyeon has a wonderful voice.” Your own ears pick up on the bluntness and forceful way the words fall out of your mouth, luckily the interviewer doesn’t and moves on to asking Tzuyu to compliment you all. 

It isn’t a lie, you think, Jeongyeon does have a remarkable voice that if it came from anyone else you’d love to listen to for hours. However, over the years, her voice simply reminds you of all of the times she’d point out your smallest mistakes, tell you that your issues are not her concern whenever you’d try to speak to her or simply throw out sighs whenever you’d enter the same room as her in the dorm. You don’t want to hate Jeongyeon but she makes it very difficult for you not to. 

The rest of your day consists of an appearance on a popular new variety show, filming an ad for a music streaming app to promote your new album and finishes with a photoshoot with both group and solo shots. By the time you’re in the van to head back home, the sun is rising and your eyes struggle to remain open. You can hear Mina in the front seat playing video games on her phone, Momo is passed out beside you with Nayeon draping across her body like a koala. Sana is seated behind you quietly eating snacks and scrolling through her phone peacefully. 

At the very back of the van, Jihyo and Jeongyeon are seated beside each other engaging in a hushed conversation that you’d struggle to hear under normal circumstances but even more so with the bickering of Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu as they discuss the latest drama they’ve been watching. Your head perks up slightly when you hear a faint whisper of your name but you’re unable to figure out which of the members have said it. Sleep takes over your body preventing you from overthinking and you put to rest another busy day. 

When you awake several hours later you’re inside of the dorm resting comfortably on the large sofa with a blanket draped across your body. One of the managers must have carried you inside so as not to disturb your sleep. As you slowly raise your body to head towards your shared bedroom, you notice the kitchen light is still on with a shadow of a seated body on the wall. Curious as to why someone is still awake your feet carry you towards the only source of light available. 

Regret immediately fills your body as Jeongyeon’s back comes into sight. She hasn’t noticed you yet as you mentally curse yourself for inquisitive. A thought pops into your head about how angry and annoyed you were earlier in the day and you notice you may not get another opportunity like this to confront her and try to find out why her behavior around you is so different compared to everyone else.

“Can I talk to you?” You can visibly see Jeongyeon’s body tense up with your words. When her decision to seemingly hate you first began, you may have apologized for startling her like this but you’re past the point of caring now. She releases a deep sigh but nods her head in response. 

The tension between you both is suffocating and you worry about just how often the two of you have made the other members uncomfortable with this unspoken feud you have going on. You decide to put an end to it once and for all here.

“Look, I know that you know there’s something weird between us. I’m not blind or stupid. I can see that you rush out of any room I’m in. You snap at me all of the time even if I haven’t done anything to bother you. You’re so caring towards the other girls and yet you make me feel so small and unimportant. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve considered giving everything up because you’ve made me feel worthless or have refused to just put aside whatever pettiness you’ve created so we can be a stronger group. I want you to tell me honestly what your issue is so we can either fix this or I can decide once and for all if I want to continue to be around you as a member whilst making myself depressed in the meantime.”

Your eyes focus entirely on the sleeves of your sweater unable to look Jeongyeon directly in the eyes as your deepest and darkest thoughts brim to the surface and spill out in front of you both. The dam you built around the floodgates of your feelings has well and truly been broken. Her eyes, however, are staring a hole into your own as she watches you silently explain just how difficult she has made life for you the last few years. 

“I’ve tried so hard to just ignore you whenever you’d make me feel like this but it’s so hard when you’re around me constantly with this invisible barrier preventing us from truly being present and real with each other. I can’t do it anymore, I just… I can’t. I’m fed up of being your punching bag without you giving me a valid reason for your actions.”

The silence that fills the entire dorm once you’ve finished speaking almost makes you get up, walk out and likely never return. You just want an answer and she isn’t even willing to give you that after you’ve very clearly explained the toll all of this has taken on you. As you stand and turn away from Jeongyeon, panic begins to rise inside of her and her voice breaks your concentration on how you’re going to explain leaving TWICE to everyone you know, your fans and the members.

“I love you.” It’s your turn to be startled now at the sudden words you’ve heard from Jeongyeon several times for other members but never yourself. “Please, stay. I love you. Let me explain everything, please.”

She rises from her own seat and moves towards where your body is frozen in place unable to move, unable to breathe and unable to think about anything other than the three words she’s now repeated twice. Her arms slowly turn your body to face her and your eyes find her own. There are tears streaming down both of your faces and Jeongyeon slowly wipes a few of your own away with the pad of her thumb. 

“I love you y/n. I know it doesn’t look or feel like I do, I’ve acted like the biggest idiot in the world. But, you have to know that all of this was to protect both of us.” Your face contorts into a confused expression and Jeongyeon realizes she’s going to have to explain things from the beginning.

“Do you remember the first day we met? You spilled your coffee on us both and practically ran away from me just saying sorry over and over again? I remember thinking you were the cutest person I’d ever seen. I asked some of the other trainees about you and they told me you practically lived in the dance studio. So, I started to watch your classes whenever I wasn’t training myself. You became my escape from all of the pressure of debuting. I’d watch you dance and become inspired, you truly are amazing.” 

The words don’t feel real as you listen to them. All of the times you’ve recalled meeting Jeongyeon it’s been to scold yourself and remind you that first impressions are important and a bad one can ruin things more than you know. 

“You know that Jihyo and I are close, right? She’s my best friend. I don’t know what I’d do without her. I told her all about you, how you danced so elegantly, how you’re by far the prettiest person I’ve ever seen, all of it. You can ask her if you’d like. But she made me realize that if I were to tell you all of this, you might be uncomfortable around me. So, when the managers finally told us the final line-up for our group, I knew I had to prioritize that over what I thought was just a small crush.” 

For a second you consider pinching yourself to check all of this is real. For years you’ve fought so many mental battles over the thought of Jeongyeon hating you. Yet here she is revealing that it’s all been over her attraction towards you. She doesn’t allow you to dwell on it for long as she continues speaking.

“It turned out to be much more than a small crush. I thought if I pushed you away, refused to be around you or to accept you that I’d get over it. But my heart simply won’t let me ignore you. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to tell you all of this but I was so scared you’d hate me, tell the others and then they’d hate me too. The possibility of you ever feeling the same way just wasn’t something I felt was going to happen. I’m not saying that now it will or that I’m going to suddenly pursue you, I just need you to know that I don’t hate you. The problem has always been that I’m very much so in love with you and I’ll never ever be good enough for you.” 

There’s a deep feeling of conflict inside you upon hearing Jeongyeon talk about her fears. Despite it all, you’re proud of her for finally finding the courage to let all of this out. You desperately want to believe her and let this silliness go, but your mind which has been through so much hurt doesn’t wish to forgive her yet. 

“Please say something. Anything. Even if it’s that you don’t want to speak to me ever again.” She begs. 

You turn away from her and the action alone is enough to break her heart, but your words stop the cracks from forming.

“I can’t say I forgive you for everything, nor do I at this moment feel the way that you do. But I’m willing to put all of this aside and move forward if that’s something you want too. No more avoiding each other or being unkind to one another. Let’s try to be friends first and we’ll see where that leads us.” 

Jeongyeon extends her hand towards your body, when you don’t react she grabs one of your own and places it into hers. She shakes your hands together lightly. 

“Hello, I’m Jeongyeon and I’m very silly. It’s nice to meet you.” 

For the first time in years, you think everything will be alright. 

[mermaidsirennikita]

June 2017 Book Roundup

This month, I read thirteen books, some of which were total disappointments, one of which really surprised me, and one of which was easily among the best followups I’ve read in a while.  That was my favorite book of the month, Kiersten White’s Now I Rise, the second in her Conqueror’s Saga.  As that is a sequel and definitely requires reading of the first book, And I Darken, I also want to recommend The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid.  A sweeping historical fiction novel, it tells the tale of a glamorous Hollywood icon with plenty of secrets, and showcases a unique romance that surprised me--but also made me very happy.  Hopefully, I’ll find something just as good next month!

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas.  4/5.  When Starr and her childhood friend Khalil are pulled over by a cop, the worst happens: the unarmed--innocent--Khalil is killed.  Starr is the only witness, and she’s torn in several different directions.  Her parents are worried about her safety, and her father’s gangster past makes things a bit more complicated; protesters want Starr to come forward and defend Khalil, who is being labeled a drug dealer and a “thug” by the media; and Starr herself goes to a predominantly white private school, and isn’t sure what her friends would think.  Obviously, “The Hate U Give” deals with a lot of content that I as a white girl really can’t properly comment on, and that’s one of the reasons why I gave it four out of five stars--I can’t speak to its accuracy.  But from what I’ve heard from friends who can, it’s viewed very positively, and it seems to reflect much of what we see in cases involved unarmed black men being shot by cops--with a personal spin.  Starr is a deeply relatable, human character.  I felt empathy for her, while at the same time not feeling like she was too perfect.  The story is written so lovingly, and Starr’s entire family felt like people I would actually meet.  The conflict of the book isn’t just surrounding the main plot, but Starr’s parents’ differing views on what their children need, and Starr’s father’s past. Starr’s dad, Mav, was a GREAT character. He’s exactly the kind of person that people uneducated about these issues need to see: an innately good person with a rough past, trying to do right by his family while at the same time dealing with some understandable demons.  The only thing I can complain about is Starr’s boyfriend, who struck me as the most annoying type of white boy.  And she deserved better, no questions asked.

A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux.  4/5.  This romance novels sees schoolteacher Dougless crying in an English church right after being dumped and abandoned by her boyfriend.  Her tears seem to bring Lord Nicholas Stafford from the sixteenth century--though he’s not quite the knight in shining armor she expected.  Nicholas is remembered not for his accomplishments, but his many affairs and his eventual execution; and he wants to go back to his time, but not before figuring out how to prevent all of that.  Dougless agrees to help him, but like... you can guess about what ensues.  This book is considered a classic in the romance genre.  It was written in the late 80s, and that does show; while Dougless isn’t anti-feminist, she’s definitely a product of an adjustment to feminism.  She wants her boyfriend to take care of her WITHIN REASON, and he’s such a tool that you can understand why.  The thing is that the book has a fluffy, wish fulfillment quality that is impossible to resist.  Deveraux makes Nicholas sexy, but isn’t above making fun of him, and critiquing him for that matter.  Dougless experiences noticeable character development, and while the book is imperfect, it’s highly enjoyable.

When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandhya Menon.  4/5.  Teenage coder Dimple isn’t planning on following her mother’s plans and settling down anytime soon.  So she’s thrilled when her parents pay for her to go to Insomnia Con, a coding contest with a prize that involves her idol.  Little does she know that Rishi is also going to Insomnia Con--and though she has no idea who he is, their parents have been planning on the two of them getting married for years.  Traditional, dreamy, artistic Rishi knows that he’s supposed to get to know Dimple and someday marry her; and he thinks she knows that too.  (She does not.)  So when the two meet, there isn’t exactly the instant connection he expected.  But after they become partners for the contest, they get to know each other--and understand each other.  This YA romance was adorable, and probably one of the best I’ve read in a long time.  Sandhya Menon is writing about what she knows, and it shows.  Rishi and Dimple are able to bond over their shared cultural backgrounds, but that doesn’t mean they’re the same person--the expectations Rishi’s parents have for him are different because he’s a boy, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.  He reacts to his parents by embracing his culture and putting aside his dreams, while Dimple becomes aggressively rebellious.  Their chemistry is perfect, and I became invested in their relationship very quickly.  This is a great approach to the “arranged marriage” genre, and is a bit more lighthearted than other recent versions I’ve seen.

The Breakdown by B.A. Paris.  2/5.  While driving late one night, Rachel sees a young woman pulled over on the side of the road.  Soon after, she hears about a murder--and realizes that not only did she see the woman just before she was killed, but that she knew her.  Then Rachel begins forgetting small things on a daily basis, apparently having a breakdown; but the specter of her mother’s demise from early-onset dementia hangs over her as she grows increasingly paranoid and sure that the killer is after her.  This book was profoundly disappointing.  It had the makings of a good domestic thriller, but I called almost every single thing that happened, and the pathos of it all weren’t that deep.  Even when it seemed as if it was going to get interesting for a minute, it didn’t.

Once and for All by Sarah Dessen.  3/5.  Louna (omg Sarah Dessen protagonist names) is the daughter of a famous wedding planner, jaded about love both due to her cynical mother’s outlook and the tragic ending of her first real relationship.  Then she meets Ambrose, the outgoing son of one of her mother’s clients.  In order to keep him out of his bride-to-be sister’s hair, Louna’s mother gives him a job for the summer, and as Louna and Ambrose bond, they begin to challenge each other in unexpected ways.  Honestly, this was a feel-good book and it was cute in the way that Sarah Dessen books always are, and cheesy in the way they always are (lol her protagonist names I mean...).  But while I remember “Saint Anything” being good, I honestly disliked “The Moon and More” and I feel as if nothing of hers has really hit me since books like “Just Listen”, “The Truth About Forever”, and of course “This Lullaby”, which is one of my all-time favorites.  Ambrose was really cute, but his conflicts with Louna seemed super contrived--and for that matter, at times he seemed like a Dexter (”This Lullaby”) rip-off.  Louna had a sad backstory, but it never connected with me partially because she never connected.  Again, it’s cute but I wasn’t super invested, and the investment in the main relationship--or at least the main characters--are key to really loving a Dessen book.  I also feel like Dessen usually benefits from building a romantic relationship between the characters ahead of the last 25% of the book (see: “This Lullaby” and “Just Listen”).  Otherwise, she needs to amp up the sexual tension in a palpable way to get people invested faster (see: “The Truth About Forever”).  The tension between Ambrose and Louna just wasn’t there.  Hope this author gets her mojo back soon.

The Forger’s Spell by Edward Dolnick.  4/5.  This non-fiction book takes on the story of Han Van Meegeren--a failed artist who managed to dupe the world with his forged “Vemeer” paintings.  Most notably, Hermann Goering, Hitler’s right-hand man, was a buyer of one the fakes.  Really, Van Meegeren’s story is the backdrop for a deeper investigation about how forgeries happen in the art world.  Dolnick does a good job, though I didn’t agree with all of his assertions--he describes the famed art critic’s “eye” as something that does exist, albeit after a lot of training.  Really, the “eye” seems to be dismissed by many today, whether or not you’ve been trained.  He also seems to go along with a lot of ideas that are those of a connoisseur, and applies them to art critics and art historians in general.  While some art historians specialize in connoisseurship, not all connoisseurs are art historians; in fact, connoisseurship seems to be falling out of style, and my school didn’t bother much with it.  I also feel that he could have done a better job of differentiating between the historian and the critic.  Overall, the book is a good examination of the psychological aspects that go into forgery, but this is very much a book about history.  Today, Van Meegeren probably couldn’t have pulled this off--not simply because the art market has more resources now in terms of scientific testing, but because it seems to me that art historians are now being trained in a very different way in a post-Panofsky, post-Schapiro world.  We’re told to be highly skeptical at all times, and while it’s possible that the old guard would have still fallen for a fake Vermeer, I think that many younger art historians would have been more inherently skeptical.  Anyway, I clearly geeked out over this book and found it highly interesting.

The Warrior Queen by Lavinia Collins.  2/5.  An Arthurian retelling and the first of a trilogy, this book focuses on Guinevere’s early marriage to King Arthur following his defeat of her father’s forces.  Pretty sure this was self-published or published by a small indie publisher, and it showed.  This book is quite short (it’s bound in an omnibus as part I with the rest of the trilogy, but it seems that it’s listed on Goodreads as an individual novel too) and while it’s not terribly written, there is some repetition that an editor would have (or should have) caught.  It’s not a bad book and I think that if you’re looking for more of a simple romance, it’s okay.  But as it is, it runs extremely quickly and the character development suffers.  For that matter, while the Lancelot romance is very present, Kay takes Lancelot’s role in places where he shouldn’t, and Morgan le Fay seems to be a typical schemer.  Not for me.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid.  5/5.  Aging Hollywood legend Evelyn Hugo calls upon Monique Grant, a no-name journalist, to write her biography out of nowhere.  Monique understandably wants to focus on Evelyn’s seven marriages--which one was the love of her life, anyway?  Evelyn reveals herself to be much tougher--and much more scheming--than she initially might have seemed.  And there are plenty of secrets to be revealed, including her connection to Monique.  I really, really liked this book.  It had elements of grand romance and tragedy, while at the same time retaining the feel of a tell-all.  The reveal of Evelyn’s greatest love was well-done, and I believed in the ups and downs of the relationship.  You can definitely choose the starlets from whose lives Reid drew.  It’s well worth the read, and I plan on trying Reid’s other books soon.  

Marriage of a Thousand Lies by S.J. Sindu.  2/5.  Lucky (short for Lakshmi) is a part of a traditional Tamil family, and as such has married Krishna to please her mother.  The thing is that both Lucky and Krishni are gay, and simply protecting each other’s (and their families’) reputations through their sham marriage.  Then Lucky learns that Nisha, her childhood friend and first love, is getting married.  As Nisha and Lucky reenter each other’s lives, they find themselves unable to resist each other, while Lucky’s life implodes around her. This is a short read and the prose is very pretty, but I found Lucky to be pretty dull.  Krishna was the character I wanted to know more about, to be honest; or even Nisha.  It felt pretty paint by numbers, but perhaps that’s because I’m not from the same cultural background as Lucky.  Not a bad book, but I just didn’t connect to it.

Song of the Current by Sarah Tolcser.  1/5.  Caro is descended from generations of river sailors, all of whom worship the river god.  After her father refuses to transport a crate--who knows what’s in it?--Caro agrees to do the task in order to gain his freedom.  Aaaand so on.  I think I hated this book so much in part because it could have been a lot more.  But it was so slow.  And there was cliche after cliche.  And there were frog people; listen, I know that some of y’all are probably down for actual green frog people who catch flies with their tongues, but I don’t play D&D and I’m not there yet in terms of geekdom.  Also, the romance was insufferable, and tongues actually tangled. This book was published by Bloomsbury, I assume there an editor involved, and THEIR TONGUES STILL TANGLED.  That was when I knew this was a one star book. 

Four Queens: The Provencal Sisters Who Ruled Europe by Nancy Goldstone.  3/5.  This non-fiction book tells the story of four sisters of Provence--Marguerite, Eleanor, Sanchia, and Beatrice.  Marguerite was married off to Louis IX of France, which in turn led to Eleanor becoming Henry III of England’s bride--Sanchia and Beatrice’s queenships would come later down the road.  So to call them the sisters who ruled Europe is a bit misleading, but it makes for a great title; and it truly is remarkable that a fairly unassuming noble family would produce four girls who would all become queens.  As you might imagine, the fact that this all took place during the thirteenth century means that Goldstone has to make some leaps in logic based on her research, especially in regards to the comparatively minor Sanchia and Beatrice.  I know little about the subject so I can’t speak to Goldstone’s accuracy, but all in all it was a nice pop history read.

The Alice Network by Kate Quinn.  2/5.  Shortly after the end of World War II, American Charlie St. Clair travels to Europe with her mother to take care of a “little problem”--her out of wedlock pregnancy.  At the same time, however, she wants to figure out what happened to her beloved cousin Rose, who went missing during the war.  During her search, she meets Eve--a woman who served as a spy during World War I.  The story takes on their alternating perspectives, as Charlie struggles to find Rose and Eve grapples with her past.  This kind of crushed me, as I am such a big fan of Kate Quinn’s Mistress of Rome series.  I never really bothered with her Giulia Farnese books, because I knew that through no fault of Quinn’s they wouldn’t work for me; but this disappointed me.  I’m not the hugest fan of World War I and II as historical eras, and I certainly love Ancient Rome a lot more.  But this could have  been so compelling.  It takes so long to start, however, and Eve’s perspective was less interesting than Charlie’s, to the point that I kept wishing that I could skip Eve’s chapters entirely. By the time the action and romance really began, I was so zoned out that it didn’t matter anymore.

Now I Rise by Kiersten White.  5/5.  The followup to the already-great start that was “And I Darken”, “Now I Rise” continues the dual stories of Lada (the fictionalized female equivalent of Vlad Tepes/Vlad the Impaler) and her brother Radu.  While Lada is struggling to reclaim her throne in Wallachia, Radu remains a servant of the Ottoman Empire and its sultan, Mehmed--the man he secretly loves.  Of course, Mehmed is obsessed with Lada--almost as much as he’s obsessed with Constantinople--and Lada is sort of obsessed with him back, but not as much as she’s obsessed with her birthright.  This book sees the incredibly twisted trio get even darker.  I really appreciate that Lada, Radu, and Mehmed aren’t super great people; Radu is less blood/power-thirsty than his sister and friend, but he is very manipulative and at times places his desire for Mehmed above loyalty to his sister.  (Which is fucked up, as Mehmed would probably sell Radu to Satan for one corn chip if that corn chip was Lada, who in turn never knows how to feel about Mehmed because boy is hot but boy is also about as twisted as she is.)  I love this series so much because of the moral grayness and dualities of all of these characters.  Even when they did things that I really didn’t agree with, I still understood why they did them.  For that matter, the supporting characters (especially Nazira, Radu’s equally gay wife) really upped the game of this book.  This series is an absolute must-read.

[thatbrontide]

1. selfie: Look up a picture of an obvious meth addict. Stare at it with deep love. 2. what would you name your future kids? Euclid, Anya 3. do you miss anyone? I truly miss myself 4. what are you looking forward to? Learning to cook 5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? Tig Notaro I guess. 6. is it hard for you to get over anyone? I have been painfully missing my ex (the nice one) lately. Knife-to-gut type shit. It's ridiculous. 7. what was your life like last year? Worst yr of my life by far. An abusive relationship and a psych med prescription I was coerced into left me suicidal, blank, and eventually cussing at doctors in a psych ward. I lost the best job I've ever had as well as my writing skills and confidence. I lost my social due to the abusive relationship. Currently trying to recover. 8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? probably as a kid. I've cried from frustration before. 9. who did you last see in person? Andrew and Miles. A cousin and a dude I want to be better friends with. 10. are you good at hiding your feelings? People have asked me why I’m so depressed when I felt fantastic. I had to train myself to smile when I feel happy because I realized you were supposed to do that. So. Yes. 11. are you listening to music right now? No but I just left a house show. 12. what is something you want right now? Sleep 13. how do you feel right now? Hungry, empty, nervous, serious 14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? there are at least seven sexes. And tonight. 15. personality description. This type of self-awareness seems impossible. Ppl have told me I’m odd and hard to pin down. 16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? A lot, yeah 17. opinion on insecurities. most have them, don’t judge people because insecurities are there for complex reasons and people are trying their best. Support people, compliment them. I can't believe how many ppl just assume a person isn't shit just because the person is struggling with confidence. Be compassionate, asshole. 18. do you miss how things were a year ago? A year ago was literal hell. I was having full-on panic attacks several times a day, dealing with a partner who called me a piece of shit and constantly gaslighted me and crossed my physical boundaries, and suddenly feeling like a completely/permanently different and much less intelligent/capable person. So. No. 19. have you ever been to New York? about 40 times. My maternal side of the family is there. Grew up on LI beaches and going to Broadway shows and museums in NYC. As a kid I thought that was where I was meant to have grown up, like something fucked up happened and it messed up my life's beggining. 20. what is your favourite song at the moment? something by Russ 21. age and birthday? aquarius leo leo 22. description of crush. Thomas Middleditch is such a dreamboat to me but I know it's an unhealthy projection thing. The only real person I have any tiny crush on is this gymnast in my philosophy class. He's very cute. 23. fear(s). Not getting my self back, not being in a loving, paramount relationship again. 24. height. Not tall enough 25. role model. UCB celebrities 26. idol(s). Laura Kightlinger 27. things i hate. doctors, the education system, when ppl are not inclusive, long nails, when ppl blast headphones and watch videos in public w/o headphones. Fuuuuck you 28. i’ll love you if… you're bizarrely funny, have a certain demeanor, seem to understand struggle 29. favourite film(s). natural born killers, the original hairspray. Junebug was nice, Get Out was brilliant 30. favourite tv show(s). Broad City, Silicon Valley, Insecure, Key and Peele 31. 5 random facts about you. I was raised Jewish, babies are generally not cute, growing up ppl asked if I was anorexic when I wasn't, I once spent an afternoon in a Tel Aviv emergency room, hitchhiking was the most liberating experience. 32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? both/other 33. something you want to learn. How to fight physically, how to stop coming across as someone who deserves to be fucked with 34. most embarrassing moment. One time I went to an independently owned hardware store to speak to the manager about a job and buy a wooden rod. The guy was such a fucking asshole and misogynist that when our conversation concluded, I walked out of the store accidentally ‘stealing’ the rod. The fucker ran after me. It was embarrassing mostly because he made me so goddamn uncomfortable about simply asking for a job. I hate that fucking guy. 35. favourite subject. Philosophy, language 36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? Be interviewed on a talk show, write a memoir, travel everywhere 37. favourite actor/actress. No clue 38. favourite comedian(s) Morgan Murphy, Louis CK, Jon Mulaney, and Maria Bamford. Sommore kills me sometimes. 39. favourite sport(s) um. Slolom. Idk. 40. favourite memory. Laughing rly hard as a kid all the time 41. relationship status. As single as possible 42. favourite book(s). Bluets by Maggie Nelson 43. favourite song ever. Maybe something by the blood brothers 44. age you get mistaken for 25? Idk 45. how you found out about your idol. Watching a library DVD of 90s comedians. Mary Jo Peele was so good. 46. what my last text message says. I'd be happy to meet w u tho 47. turn ons. Genuine kindness, good humor, good shoes 48. turn offs. Arrogance, bad breath, hipsterness 49. where i want to be right now. Asleep on a cloud 50. favourite picture of your idol. I've barely ever seen her 51. starsign 52. something i’m talented at. I have a good eye for style. I could have been great at art. 53. 5 things that make me happy. Color, dogs, remembering, a good melody, a good dance 54. something that’s worrying me at the moment. Just life. I'm worried about myself for real 55. tumblr friends. i don’t rly have online relationships 56. favourite food(s) guacamole 57. favourite animal(s) dogs, opossums. 58. description of my best friend. We had an overdue falling out. She is mean. 59. why i joined tumblr. to document inspiration