#does having bipolar disorder make me more susceptible to sensory overload or some shit?? is this its fault too?? gah

[actualbird]

life's not been good lately. ive been beset by a cacophony of Ails (constant fatigue and exhaustion to the point of being bedridden for most of the day, constant nausea, headaches, shoulder (???) aches, skin rashes (why???? ;-;), irritability, did i mention the exhaustion....) but im like 99% sure it's all just caused by stress so theres rlly nothing much i can do but wait til life gets Less Stressful.

still, it's heavily debilitating. like, here is list of things overwhelming me to tears just this morning

eating breakfast (it's so hard. it's so hard to eat. i know i must, but it's so difficult)

drinking water (it makes me wanna throw up for some reason)

noises and sounds (the house phone rang awhile ago and my heart rate kicked up so panicked as if i was being chased by an axe murderer. my sister spoke to me awhile ago and i wanted to burst into tears because even verbal conversation feels like an insurmountable task rn)

notifs from Everywhere (discord, here, my work grp chats, twitter, my tumblr inbox oh god im so sorry about my inbox so many asks are piling up and im not ignoring you guys i promise im just gonna break down if i try to even read what you guys are sending in)

standing (it makes me lightheaded and dizzy and makes me wanna throw up) (sidenote: wow a lot of things make me wanna throw up these days JS;FKDNS;DKF)

sleeping (I FIGURED THIS SHOULD BE EASY, GIVEN HOW EXHAUSTED I AM, BUT IT'S NOT. IM BAD AT SLEEPING NOW, WHY????? i lay in bed and my breathing is so quick like there is Something Hunting Me Down and it takes me hours to finally sleep and when i Do sleep it's not even Good, i still feel like CRAP)

touch (nobody touch me oh god i will scream. the only exception to this is my cat because he is very soft)

in summary: world overwhelming. help. i hate this. it's been like this for over a week. i want to hide under a blanket or perhaps a burrow in the ground. i want to be like this