#dont know if studying or digging my grave would be more productive

[oldtreeinanalley]

exams on monday 😔😔😔😔

[youngsterhammy]

i always have to plan out the things im going to do bc i always need to mentally prepare myself which is why im no good with impromptu invitations to dinner. it’s taken me 2 days to psyche myself up enough to be ready for going out with friends tonight. 

though with the constant feeling of negativity, there’s the awareness that i gotta keep moving or else i’ll just stop entirely. like if i stay in tonight instead of meeting my friends, i’m afraid i’ll just stop seeing them entirely and make a habit of it. if i stop for a day in studying japanese, i’m afraid that i won’t pick it up again. 

man, i thought things were already hard before but things have just gone downhill since then. everything requires a lot more energy and i dont have that energy. 

i feel like i keep borrowing energy from my future self, digging faster and faster to an early grave because i keep moving even when im tired and i dont have the energy for all this shit: going to a job i hate six days a week, then sitting down to study and be productive and try to draw and be creative, continue to maintain relationships and not disappear so that no one worries or suspects, wear a mask in public so no one would know how often i think of dying, continue to stay up and lack sleep in fear of starting a new day where it’s all just the same bullshit.