#dont. dont even get me started on how my PDs affects my ability to form normal bonds. that's its own fucking essay.

[straydogged]

a lot of my high school "friends" are getting married to each other and other people I knew and it's... making me really fucking bitter ngl. like, I'm engaged, I have been for years. it's not that. I guess it's more like bitterness that they're all still friends. I know I didn't make much effort to keep up with them after dropping out, but the truth is I don't think I was ever part of that group the way I thought I was. I remember them planning a party I wasn't invited to in front of me, pretty vividly. I remember that they never seemed to really care about my presence one way or another... I was on the fringes. always on the fringes, tolerated at best. I was too autistic to pick up on that at the time, I think. sure, I had classes with them and we shared a lot of extracurriculars. and a lot of us had gone to the same middle school. thinking back, I think most of them had gone to the same elementary school, too.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just feel lonely. untethered. when I'm gone, who will remember me? not my classmates. not the people I thought I was friends with. it's like my life before 19 just never happened. there's only one tie left from my childhood.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[namazunomegami]

https://www.tumblr.com/namazunomegami/743754459269693440/httpswwwtumblrcomnamazunomegami7436814574012?source=share

you compliment me way too much for my own good lol. be careful now, I might blush 😳.

You mentioned that you feel that Gojo either has low empathy or little to no empathy at all and how he possibly may have a personality disorder (and I 100% agree that PDs are not inherently bad and that pw personality disorders are not inherently bad people).

I agree with you, I do feel like Gojo, due to his positioning and power in Jujutsu society, is actually pretty shitty at empathising with others, namely Shoko and Geto during the low moments of their lives. I think that as he got older, he definitely became better at cognitively empathising with others (his students), but I’m not sure if he could even experience emotional empathy.

Assuming he has little to none of that, I wonder how that would impact how he experiences grief. The fandom headcanons that Gojo was super torn up about Geto’s death and the shit that took place, but I’m not sure.

I’m being an idiot here but is Gojo even capable of being depressed or traumatised?

The reason I ask this is because trauma quite literally deteriorates the brain and impairs cognitive function. With Gojo constantly using Reversed Cursed Technique on himself to counteract the effects of Limitless on his body and brain, he technically should not even be able to be traumatised or depressed. If we’re going by how he canonically uses his powers, he possibly can’t experience any form of mental decline. This makes the divergence of Gojo, Geto, and Shoko’s life paths make so much more sense. Geto and Shoko could not mentally handle the pressure of the Jujutsu world the same way that Gojo could. They both needed coping mechanisms. Geto coped by blaming everything on humans and started a cult. Shoko… smokes. Geto and Shoko were affected mentally by the shit that goes on in the Jujutsu world, but is Gojo even capable of mentally deteriorating if his brain is constantly refreshed to the point that he doesn’t even NEED to sleep? Sleep is a CHOICE for Gojo. I can’t even pull all nighters!

Maybe I’m dumb and skimmed through the manga, but I don’t think there’s ever a moment in which Gojo stops using his powers. I mean, he obviously can’t turn off six eyes, but I’m talking about Limitless/Infinity. We know that he has the ability to be selective with it, like a selectively permeable membrane, but I don’t think he’s ever fully turned it OFF.

I wonder, if he turned it off completely, would everything that he’s experienced mentally catch up with him or would he be affected by everything going forward? Idk.

TL:DR- DOES GOJO EXPERIENCE TRAUMA OR DEPRESSION? I DONT THINK SO.

I’m analysing this way too much. I’m sure even Gege didn’t think of this lol. If Gege wanted him too, I’m sure Gojo could experience whatever trauma and emotions and whatever. But I’m just thinking about how his canonical usage of his powers impacts his brain and cognitive function.

Teehee, go on, blush 💕

I’m sorry nonnie but I’m gonna be professional with this answer.

People with personality disorders that limits their empathic skills feel grief and can be traumatised the same way as others. In fact, I know a narcissistic individual who was very shaken when they lost their father.

Let’s say that one day I’m gonna graduate finally: well, my specialisation is focused on helping individuals with behavioural disorders, ADHD, emotional disorders and we meet with a lot of heavily traumatised clients because we can work together with CPS.

With that in mind and adding my experiences out on the field, trauma is much more than brain and cognitive damage. So, even if Gojo can somehow maintain his brain activity at a 100% healthy and fresh level, I believe he can be traumatised too.

I mean, when he gets put into the box he legit has a PTSDesque flashback. Though it’s an unconventional one. It’s more like a reverse flashback. Because he relives the positive memories, the happy moments, when everything was alright and peaceful. While, in a typical flashback you only see the negative experiences, the worst things ever happened to you and you feel the same pain it doesn’t matter how many months or years have passed it still torments you.

So… I’m kinda agreeing and respectfully disagreeing with you at the same time lmao.

Oh and if you mentioned Shoko… My girl’s not just smoking, she’s a heavy drinker and rarely gets enough sleep. The self-soothing is now accelerated into self-destructing.

And it’s a headcannon of mine, but I think Geto’s sleep schedule is fucked at best. I think he frequently has nightmares, or he’s just tossing and turning for hours and then he can hardly wake up in the morning.