#dooooooooooooo not reblooooooooooog

[geneterrachan]

long rambling rant about the State Of Me (not particularly bad or anything it just got a bit long so i stuck it under a cut i mean it started as “i am scared to go to uni” and ended with “i have crippling mommy issues and desperately need to see a psychiatrist” so read or don’t i don’t mind either way)

man i am so scared to go to uni because it will be the first time i’m like...out as a guy to a large group of people who never knew me before i came out, and i’m going to have to make new friends and i am fully aware i can be. ahem. ~an acquired taste~ and i’m like. agh. oh my god. meeting new people. aah. and it’s not like i’ve never done it before, i’m one hell of an extrovert 99% of the time, but i’ve never done it as jack so i’m like. whoo. also the extra problem that i might end up getting registered in my deadname which is a terrifying prospect but really i’m just gonna try and take it like how i’ve taken everything else in life and just fix it as soon as i can and bat away any kind of insecurity i have about it. because i mean, people always say confidence is key and i’ve always found that’s true. like, if i get registered as x and the teacher is like “is x here” or whatever (it’s all online so idk how it will work) then i’ll just be like “oh that’s me but i changed my name, it’s jack, it didn’t get changed on the system in time, i’m working on it but could you fix your register thanks” and like, i will simply have to live with that, and i doubt people will pay much attention. like, i wasn’t planning on being stealth anyway, so it’s distressing that people might end up being slammed with my deadname right away but i have dealt with much worse things in my life.

also i..........i will not miss my mother in the slightest. like okay now u get to deal with your trauma on your own and stop projecting it onto me goodbye ma’am but i will miss my dad so so so so so so so much it makes me tear up even thinking abt it. we always watch f1 and movies and footy together and it’s like, okay big part of my current life ceasing to be there, cool, chill, normal. so it feels like a crutch is being kicked out from under me. but also, i have been waiting to move out for the past seven years because is my mum. and it is genuinely to the point that i realise she truly does not have my best interests at heart, and she deadnames and misgenders me constantly, and she barely talks to me. like if she just stopped existing i would not notice and i’m not saying that to be an asshole it’s just that she genuinely means nothing to me. i can think of so few positive experiences with my mum ever. so like, mweh. bye. and i feel like a dick because she makes me not want to come home in the holidays. like my lease means i can’t stay during holidays and i think i will genuinely try and arrange to stay with a friend somewhere else. maybe train down to london to meet dad but...i do not want to come back here.

horrible confession but i sometimes think about like...when she dies, what the fuck am i going to say at the funeral? i have nothing. i have nothing to say. she's barely got any friends, her parents will be gone, her brother probably won't come, she has no other family i know of, and i don't even know if i'll be sad. i won’t be HAPPY, but i’m just like. yeah. she sure is a person who exists and was a bitch to me growing up. she sure is the person who trivialised the abusive relationship i had and mocked me for it, she sure is the person who called me a wimp when i cried after she pushed me to get my legs waxed age ten because i was getting called a gorilla at school, she sure is the person who said i was a slob and disgusting and made fun of me on a bad day and ignored me on a good day and ignored my anxiety because “every woman [!!!] in our family has that” and prevented me from ever getting help for my mental health and I COULD GO ON. so what, am i meant to say that? go up on a little stand and say, my mother was a bitch and i’m not glad she’s gone but i sure ain’t shedding a tear. 

*pokes my own reflection in a little pool* yeesh lighten up a little why dontcha buddy