#drawing this was honestly therapeutic to some degree i swear

[chocopinda]

A slightly festive Fearne for the upcoming holidays~

[make-it-mavis]

( It’s been a year and a couple days since I first re-read my old fanfic and fell back in love with it, leading to picking it up again. Now seems as good a time as any to do a mushy post that’s as long as my arms will allow!

The past five years have been really rough. A handful of undiagnosed mental illnesses and conditions on top of just shitty circumstances really took their toll. Been in and out of jobs, lost a lot of friends, had rough times with family, been in near-constant financial trouble, and lived with an abusive roommate for three out of those five years. It feels like I’ve been locked in full-on survival mode for so long, I forgot how to relax, how to actually enjoy myself, and, really, I feel like I lost touch with who I am as an individual and what matters to me.

And then, on top of all that, I was forced to rely solely on art commissions for income for almost two years. I was drawing things I hated almost every day, and honestly, sort of forgot why I draw in the first place. My art has always been how I understand myself and the world around me. I understand now just how strongly tied it is to my well-being. Somewhere along the line, my art stopped being for me. I had no voice in it anymore.

I had no voice at all. And I didn’t think I had anything of value to say.

Then, in an effort to reclaim old loves that I’d abandoned because they’d been deemed ‘cringey’ by others, I gave a shot at reading my old fanfic that I was certain would make my skin crawl. It was a mess. It was poorly planned, had no plot structure, and inconsistent character writing.

And I fucking loved it. 

I think I loved it more than anything else I’ve ever made. Because when I made it, it was for me. All the good parts about it, parts that I still read and go “There’s no way I wrote this!”, all came from me making something purely from a place of love and self-validation -- it all came from me, in my purest form. The whole story was me! Messy, all over the place, but clever, charming, quirky, and bursting with love. 

When I read it again, I swear I could physically feel a spark ignite in me that had been out for so long. I remembered that I was a person. I’m still working on this. I’m a person with thoughts and feelings and ideas that matter, a person who can make something as wonderful as this fanfic that had made me so happy. 

Reading my old fic made me remember that I matter. There are things inside me worth a great deal, and they’re worth sharing.

Then, deciding to reboot the old fic was a big deal. Thanks to a lousy, traumatic childhood, I kind of have major struggles with being open about how genuinely I enjoy certain things, out of fear of being ridiculed for it or having that thing mocked. And, well, let’s face it, a Wreck-it Ralph fanfic with an OC that’s definitely romantically involved in some degree with a canon character? By most people’s definitions, that’s cringey as fuck. That’s something that’s hard to be open about. But I’m really pushing myself with this to do what I want to do, and trust that my own interests and ideas have value. I’m pushing myself to pursue what makes me happy, and not cave to that chronic shame in me. And you know what? It’s going great! I can’t make much right now, unfortunately, but what I am able to do, and the constant ideas I have flowing, I love all of it! And I love that I can make something that I love again! My relationship with my own creativity is better than it’s been in years.

As for my rainbow trash daughter? Writing Mavis and being in her headspace has been so therapeutic. She’s a shameless mischievous asshole, which is not only a good way to vent my inner snark, it’s really forced me to loosen up and get creative. When your character is a prankster with item-creation power, you really gotta get loosey-goosey with it. She’s also really fed the more colorful, adventurous side of me -- I’ve noticed I’m trying new things more, pushing through my anxiety, and laughing easily. I think writing her has just really encouraged me to not sweat the small stuff, and take every opportunity to be playful and have fun. Hell, I’ve even gotten into an exercise routine because of her and the fic -- walking and listening to music is how I get my ideas. She’s brought out degrees of my old optimism I missed so much.

Mavis just means a whole lot to me. She represents a lot more than what she is.

Turbo has been a bit more of a struggle, but I’m really happy with how things are going with him now. I had a lot of anxiety around my personal interpretation and portrayal of him, especially in relation to Mavis, because he is a fan favorite and there is a smattering of other good Turbos on here and canon characters doing almost anything with OCs is always under major scrutiny, but now? Now, I say, fuck it. I did what I wanted with him back then, and I’m forcing myself to do that now. That’s what all of this is about, after all -- doing something for me. Developing and embracing my Turbo is just another step in this huge journey of self-love and it feels great.

And, of course, the shitgoblins together? I mean, how good does it feel to write your own OTP, lmao? Everything that their weird and broken and delightful relationship is, all the goofy playfulness and heavily-masked sweetness and gut-wrenching heartache, all of it means so much to me, to be able to write that. Because it’s the most self-indulgent thing I’ve made in years. I love it. And hearing that you guys love it just pulls back the rotten dusty curtains of my heart and lets the sun shine in. It makes me so genuinely happy, because this all comes from such a genuine place for me. 

It says to me, “We’re hearing your voice, and we like what we’re hearing!”

God.

This all means so much more to me than just a fanfic or an OC. This has been my therapy. This has been me recognizing that I deserve to be uniquely and unapologetically me, no matter what anyone else thinks. Everything I’ve done with this over the past year has been a radical act of self-love and self-acceptance.

And I want to thank you all so much for sharing in it with me. It means the world to me, it really does.

With the mushiness sufficiently scrawled, I will close by saying: 

Happy anniversary to We Can Make It 2.0! )