#dubliners was not bad will I get dragged to hell if I say I like Virginia Woolf more?

[biromanticbookbabe]

A new term has begun. Time for Turn of the Century and WWI Brit Lit! 

And then there’s Ulysses ready to end my literary career before I’ve even started.

[missymurphy1985]

Nobody's Perfect (part7)

Will Liane crash the wedding?

Warning - angst / injury

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @ntmynouis @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @noctvrnalmoth @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers

You woke in Cillian's childhood bedroom to the sound of his alarm going off. Fortunately he had a double bed, even though the way the two of you curled into each other, a single would've been fine.

"Morning beautiful lady..." He always woke you up like that, with a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

"Morning handsome. How you feeling about your baby sister getting married?"

"Weird. She's still 7 in my head. It's really odd!"

"She was telling me about her dress last night, it sounds beautiful."

"I'm sure it will be. Come on, me mother will be downstairs already fretting and I'm gonna be kicked out in 30minutes so you women can do whatever it is you women do before a wedding..."

"Am I not coming with you?"

"Nope. I'm going to be with the other groomsmen making sure Damien doesn't do a runner."

You laughed and dragged yourselves out of bed to get ready.

You'd arrived at the venue with 5 minutes to spare. Everyone, including Cillian, would be inside waiting for the bride. You headed into the toilets to touch your lipstick up before heading inside to wait yourself. Walking in, you noticed a blond woman doing the same as you. You smiled warmly, but she didn't return it. Not everyone in his family is as friendly as the others, clearly.

Thinking no more of it, you applied your lipstick and headed back to the wedding. Spotting Cillian at the front adjusting Damien's cravat, your heart soared. He looked incredible in his navy blue groomsman suit, combined with an ivory shirt and red rose boutonnière. His Peaky haircut only added to the attraction.

Silé and her father entered the room as A Thousand Years by Christina Perri played softly on the piano in the corner. You couldn't help but watch Cillian as he winked at his sister walking towards him and Damien at the altar. He wasn't just a groomsman, he was the best man. And what a best man he was. He nudged Damien, and he turned round, tears in his eyes as he watched his soon-to-be wife approach him. Cillian caught your eye and he smiled.

The ceremony over, it was time for drinks on the large patio area outside. You were stood talking to Cillian's youngest sister Orla when two hands wrapped themselves round your waist, and a pair of lips on your neck.

"Hey beautiful..." Orla made a vomit face, making you laugh as you turned and faced him.

"My word Mr Murphy, don't you scrub up well?"

"Not so bad yourself there." He held you at arms length, admiring the floor length light blue summer dress you'd chosen.

"Does this mean there's going to be an epic best man's speech from you then?"

"Yep. Had it written for months. Plan on embarrassing the shit out my little sister - perfect revenge for the stories I'm sure she told you last night." He smirked.

You were sat next to Cillian's other siblings at the wedding breakfast - there was a seat spare anyway - this wedding was three years in the planning, that seat would have been Liane's when it was put together. Silé had left it empty on the off chance her brother would find someone. Eventually, the time came for Cillian's speech. He took the microphone, and stood. Starting with the obligatory thanking everyone for coming, before cracking jokes about how he used to play practical jokes on his sister, and how he'd set her up on a blind date with Damien six years earlier. Liane got a mention - only to say that Damien setting him up with his sister 6 years earlier than that hadn't exactly gone to plan.

"I've only just forgiven you for that," he smiled, earning a laugh from the crowd. He made eye contact with you, and was about to speak before a voice from the back of the room interrupted him.

"Wasn't all that bad now, was it Cillian?" The room fell silent, you saw Cillian's face turn white as a sheet. Turning round, you saw the blond lady from the toilets earlier... It couldn't be...

"Can't have all been bad, you married me after 6 months of dating, didn't you?" Cillian cleared his throat, determined not to ruin his sister's wedding day.

"Liane, come on.." Orla took her shoulder and tried to walk her out of the room, but she was shoved violently away and hit the floor. Cillian had seen enough at that point and made his way over, pulling Orla off the floor and glaring at Liane.

"You need to leave, now, before I make you leave.." he seethed.

"Doesn't 12 years of marriage mean anything to you?!"

"Liane this is my sister's wedding day! We're not doing this now!"

"And who's this little slut you've brought with you, huh?" She turned to you, glaring as she made her way over. You were frozen to your seat as she picked up a wine glass and smashed it off the side of the table. Cillian shouted for someone to call the police as he grabbed her from behind and pulled her backwards onto a table. He managed to pin her to the floor, holding her hands up, writhing against him trying to get at you.

"Can someone take over.." he groaned, as Padraig grabbed her arms, another man had her legs. Cillian stumbled backwards, and you saw him clutch at his abdomen, blood on his hands and over his shirt. It was then you realised she wasn't holding the glass anymore..

"Someone call an ambulance!"

*************************************************************

You'd been waiting at the hospital for hours. As soon as he'd arrived he'd gone straight in for surgery. You'd gone in the ambulance with him, his mum and dad followed in the car. Everyone else stayed to give the police statements after Liane had been arrested.

His mum was holding your hand in the private room when the doctor finally came in.

"We managed to get all the glass shards out, and stitched him up. It went deep - a few centimetres to the left and she would have hit an artery. He'll need to stay for a couple of days so we can keep an eye on him, but he's awake now. He's asking for y/n?" His mum squeezed your hand. The doctor led you through to his room and you took a breath before going in. He was lying on the bed, wires in his arms and a sleepy look in his eyes, but he still shot you a smile.

"Feels like I'm filming 28 Days Later all over again," he smirked.

"You scared the shit out of me Cill..." The tears finally fell, you'd held them back up to this point but you couldn't stop them now. You sat next to his bed and held his hand, sobbing into it as he stroked your hair with his other hand.

"Just a scratch y/n. Better that than what I thought was gonna happen."

"There was so much blood..."

"She did a good job didn't she? Fuck it hurts..." He chuckled and immediately regretted it.

"Can you get my mam?" You nodded and went to fetch her. She came into to room and kissed Cillian's head lightly.

"Mam, y/n is good to stay with you til I'm outta here, right?"

"Not even a question son, you know that! Plenty of old photo albums I can show her." She smirked. So that's where he got that from...

"On second thoughts, maybe you should head to my place in Dublin..." He laughed nervously.

"Mrs Murphy I don't want to be a bother..."

"Shh now, I won't hear another word of it. You'll stay with us as long as you need to." You kissed Cillian's hand, a few tears still falling down your cheeks.

"Don't wind up the nurses Cill..." You warned, his mother told you the last time he was in hospital he spent the majority of the tine doing just that.

"Won't be flirting with them this time though at least." You raised an eyebrow, his mum slapped his shoulder.

Back at his mum's house, you'd settled on the sofa, his Dad on the armchair still in a bit of a daze and his mum bringing you a glass of wine.

"How's Silé and Damien?" You asked as she sat down next to you.

"They're more concerned about Cillian than the wedding - as long as he's okay, they're okay."

"Was she always crazy? Liane?"

"Not at first. She was a sweetheart. Once they got married and Cillian became more famous, she changed. Became possessive over him. Always checking up on him, making sure he wasn't having his way with co-stars... Ironic really!" She laughed.

"I'm so sorry for all of this... She wouldn't have done it if I'd not been there..."

"Not another word of it - the woman's a nutcase. This isn't your fault at all. I haven't seen my son this happy for years - and I mean it. If anything, I thank you for that." She took your hand as you welled up, and pulled you into a huge hug.

"You've all been so wonderful... Sorry I keep crying, my emotions are all over the place..."

"Understandable, it's been a hell of a day. Take yourself off.to get some rest. I'll wake you in the morning, we can go see Cillian. Maybe a spot of shopping after, what do you say?"

You grinned, and nodded. Saying goodnight you headed upstairs. Getting into bed, you sent a text to Cillian.

"Hope you're okay? I'm heading to bed, love you X"

He didn't reply but you figured he was probably resting, until his dad shouted up the stairs.

"Y/n??!!!" You rushed out of bed and ran downstairs.

"What's wrong?"

"Cillian's in a bad way, we need to get to the hospital now..."

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Ava

Nancy: Hey Ava: Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit! Nancy: 🍀🧡🎩🌈💚 Nancy: impressed that you're not too 🍻 to type that out Nancy: anyone else would be disappointed, like Ava: Dad would say its a language you need a slur to speak properly Ava: but quietly 'cos he sounds too English for that to be a self-read Ava: Hope you demanded double complimentary drinks on the flight, it's your God-given right today Ava: every day might be a stretch, even on British Airways Nancy: You don't need to worry about repeating anything dad would say Nancy: on today of all days Nancy: unless you're gonna do it to make a point about our own accents Ava: Not like any of us are that Irish we need the translation Ava: There goes my speech though Nancy: Speak for yourself 'cause there's my excuse gone in the big 🍎 if not Nancy: and speaking of... Nancy: no need to worry about getting yourself to the airport either Ava: Americans can't understand anyone who doesn't speak through their nose and at full volume, facts Ava: Oh? Nancy: Yeah, I know Nancy: I've been working on the volume thing for a while now, I think I'm finally getting somewhere 🤞 Nancy: I'm sorry, Av Nancy: I'm not gonna make it back Ava: Sounds like hard work Ava: It's fine Ava: Priorities Nancy: You know what both mum and dad would have to say about hard work Nancy: Priorities too Ava: Exactly Nancy: I miss you though Nancy: catch me up Ava: When were you last here? Ava: Christmas? Ava: Hard to summarize three months really Nancy: It feels like forever Nancy: which is why I'm starting with you and not Saint Nancy: your larger vocab also helps, of course 😏 Ava: To say he's catching up is less and less offensive each day Ava: Probably a better conversationalist than you find Dad Nancy: No lie detected Nancy: but your dog is more fun to talk to than he is so Ava: Don't drag Frank into your petty feud Nancy: it'd only be petty if it started years ago for literally no reason and dragged on and on Nancy: oh wait... Nancy: yeah nevermind 🙄 Ava: Mhmm Ava: Not to mention one-sided Nancy: well he knows which side he picked Ava: 🙄 Nancy: those sessions where he joined me for therapy were definitely worth every penny Ava: Its psychiatry, not miraclework Nancy: 😂 Nancy: obviously should've 🙏 Ava: It's about self-improvement, is it not Ava: Not changing your parents Nancy: Ouch Nancy: am I not improved? Nancy: besides, wanting it all regardless is the McKenna mindset and getting your money's worth even more so Ava: 🤷 Nancy: wanting to drag me to Dublin for the festivities, understandable if not relatable but dragging me to hell Nancy: quite far tbh Ava: Its not like I knew you then or now Ava: And I'm pretty sure it's about internal validation too so I don't feel any need to comment Nancy: okay Ava: Have a nice day then Ava: Get a shamrock shake or go to a fake Irish bar Nancy: Oh lord Nancy: I won't be doing any of that, Americans who think they're Irish are vocal enough about it on every other day Nancy: they hear my last name and wanna tell me their great grandparents life story or something Ava: You're missing out Ava: But how many times can I repeat that either Nancy: You don't have to, I heard you the first time Nancy: my apologies can be repeated as many times as you like though Nancy: 'Cause I mean it, yeah? Nancy: I'll call mum, get you here soon instead Ava: Sure Ava: Easter, maybe Ava: I'm going away with my friends this summer Nancy: Definitely Nancy: Are you still with....? Help me out there, like Ava: Lyla Ava: and yeah Nancy: Right! Maybe you can bring her Ava: Cool Nancy: I promise not to point a camera in your faces the WHOLE time Ava: I don't care Ava: but she will give you an in-depth lecture on her angle, not plural so Nancy: if I can handle Ri's demands, I don't think I've got anything to worry about Ava: Possibly Ava: but I doubt Wren Taylor-Thompson ever commented on her 87 chins Nancy: point taken Ava: Next time I'll get a girlfriend who's less no flash photography Nancy: like you said, hard work and priorities Ava: Meh, not really Ava: Are you going to talk to Ri and Buster/Saint or am I passing on a message? Nancy: I'm sure he'll be too drunk to form a coherent sentence soon if he isn't already Nancy: but I'm sure I'll catch her Ava: It is a party here, after-all Nancy: Yeah Nancy: I remember what they're like Ava: Do you? Nancy: unavoidably so Nancy: my long term memory's the reliable one Ava: Sure Nancy: what? Ava: What? Nancy: if there's something you wanna say Ava: No? Nancy: okay then Ava: Bye then Nancy: I'll call mum this week about arranging Easter so I don't forget Ava: 'Course Ava: Don't do it now, we're all wasted Nancy: she'd never hear the phone over all that good craic Nancy: and Shane McGowan 🎵 Ava: As if they've not trained themselves to pick up vibrate from ten paces in any situation Nancy: 100 paces if it's a work call Nancy: but she knows I know better than to dial on such a holy day Nancy: it'd have to be life and death Ava: If she knew that she'd be waiting at the airport, like Nancy: she doesn't do waiting at airports Ava: Not for the forseeable Nancy: I'm doing her a favour and everyone else who'd have to endure how angry not being able to see through the crowds makes her Ava: Far as excuses go Ava: You can do better Nancy: if you wanna slag me off, you can do better too Ava: I don't Ava: I've got partying to do Nancy: 'course Ava: Don't try to put your feeling bad onto me Ava: or anyone else Nancy: I don't feel bad Ava: That's why you're convinced I'm slagging you off Ava: and you've spent the convo doing as much to everyone else Ava: sign of a clear conscience, that Nancy: convinced is a strong word Nancy: and I'm not slagging anyone off Ava: You've only felt the need to bring it up twice Nancy: I'm obviously reading this all wrong Ava: Obviously is a strong word Nancy: like you said, I must be projecting something Nancy: since nothing's wrong and you're well in the party mood Nancy: I've been working too hard, my 🧠 is clearly the only one mad at me Ava: Have you told mum and dad you aren't coming? Ava: 'Cos your 🧠 ain't nothing in comparison if not Nancy: they aren't actually expecting me Nancy: they know me better than you do Nancy: and that I'd already be there Ava: Not mad, disappointed Ava: Gotcha Nancy: exactly Ava: 👍 Nancy: go tell Buster to call me when he sobers up Nancy: but not a second before Ava: Maybe you should have a drink instead Ava: get on the level Nancy: drunk photography sounds better in theory Nancy: it never develops how you think it will and not in a good way Nancy: have one for me Ava: Its a holy day Ava: take it off Nancy: If I believed that I'd be there Ava: You said it Nancy: that they see it as one, yeah Ava: Mhmm Nancy: I don't drink unless I'm 💔 everyone knows that Ava: It's not compulsory Nancy: being the only sober adult in the room that isn't pregnant isn't my idea of how to spend a holy day well Ava: And working is? Ava: 🤷 Nancy: yeah Ava: Okay Nancy: so go make the most of yours Nancy: I'll be in touch Ava: 👋 Nancy: 💚 Slán 🧡

[toomanyfeelings5]

the definitive ranking of pulp! the classics covers and summaries, from worst to best

(Note: Pride and Prejudice was not included in this list, as there were only poster and greeting card options for the work, and not an actual book or summary. Had a book and summary been provided, it would have ranked lowest for unoriginality. It’s literally just 1995 Colin Firth staring moodily at you. The caption is “Lock Up Your Daughters...Darcy’s in Town!” which is just unfortunate, frankly, and honestly laughable.) 

16. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte 

You take a novel that’s positively overflowing with drama and give it THIS cover? THIS summary? Absolutely uninspired. 

Here’s looking at you Cathy...

Childhood sweethearts turned star-crossed lovers, fuelled by bitter jealousy and dark revenge. She’s pretty and posh, he’s a moody brooding bastard. Heartbreak, alcoholism and plenty of illegitimate kids – it’s a perfect Northern drama.

Where is the feeling? The screaming violins playing as we read? The moors? The time skips? A hint of the positively bonkers plot that only a Bronte could compose?

15. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde 

 Oh, the heterosexuality of it all. On an Oscar Wilde novel, no less. 

Hey girl...I’d sell my soul for you!” 

Dorian Gray might be as pretty as a picture, but he's paid a devilishly high price for it. He'll stay drop-dead gorgeous, but there's something nasty festering in the attic...

Pretty as a picture and still lusting after ladies? Please. Pulp! Classics, you can do better. 

14. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Again, we must speak the ancient chant: Oh, the heterosexuality of it all. 

When it came to loving...He knew which Daisy to pick! 

Sorry old sport, but Gatsby has a bigger house than you, prettier friends than you and a Rolls Royce to cart them all round in. To a backdrop of popping champagne corks and orchestral jazz, our hero bids to buyout his old adversary, perennial jock, Tom Buchanan and reclaim Daisy, his favourite bit of High Society totty.

Nick Carraway gets not one mention, which is odd given that he’s the narrator, the protagonist, and Gatsby’s most ardent love interest. Also strange is the cover’s insistence that Jordan Baker, known lesbian, would swoon over Gatsby. Doubly strange is how tiny the women are in comparison to Gatsby’s massive frame. What is, again, bamboozling, is how the slogan on the cover seems to imply that Gatsby knows how to pick a woman. He doesn’t know how to choose anyone, let alone love them. All Gatsby truly knows is the desperate pursuit of a fruitless dream. 

13. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare 

Romeo looks like he could be Juliet’s father. Juliet looks like an Upper East Side Widow, not at all like the tween girl she really is.

Too wild to live...too young to die!

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou…. Oh wait, he’s hanging around in the garden again. Will young Romeo and his Juliet ever be able to express their raging hormones? Or will their feuding families make this romance blossom into a poisoned flower? Either way, both their houses are totally plagued!

“Wherefore” means “why,” not “where,” though I do have to award points to the summary for placing the blame squarely on the feud and not on these doomed young lovers. Though again, young isn’t the operative word I’d use to describe this version of Romeo and Juliet. 

12. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe 

This is what one would expect upon seeing a pulp cover of a classic novel. Not much originality or flair is present, but at least some sense of the story is conveyed. 

Solitude was driving him nuts!

Cannibals! Captives! Coconuts!

One man’s love of the sea leaves him stranded on a desert island with nothing but a few goats, a bible and a parrot for company.

Will he ever escape? Will his new pal Friday learn to efficiently press a goatskin jerkin? Or will solitude send him totally barmy?

WILL Friday learn to efficiently press a goatskin jerkin? One must read to find out, I suppose...

11. Tess of the D'urbervilles 

Marilyn Monroe?????

She’s...no angel.

The original Wessex girl!

Tess is just a humble milkmaid when the local landowner has his wicked way. Her new beau, the smarmy Angel Clare, is none too pleased when he finds out she’s already been deflowered. What is a girl to do? Bloody revenge of course, and an ending to touch the hardest of hearts.

At least the summary blames the terrible men in Tess’s life rather than Tess herself, unlike the tagline on the cover. And while Marilyn Monroe seductively lounging about with a drink doesn’t recall the faintest essence of Hardy’s novel, one would like to imagine Tess relaxing in whatever clothes she pleased, a straw dangling out of her drink, a smile on her face as she answers to no one and spends her quiet evening in solitude. 

10. Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome

An innocuous cover; the men’s faces hint at the comedic nature of this novel, and yet...something nags the brain upon looking at this.

To say nothing of the dog...

Incompetence, embarrassment and general disaster - no it’s not PMQs, it’s a trip down the Thames! Three hapless fellows and a world weary dog decide they need a holiday from their exhausting hypochondria. Hilarious mayhem ensues.

To say nothing of the dog indeed: Why does the dog on the cover have a human face?

9. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka 

All one can say upon viewing this cover is: Jeff Goldblum, is that you?

Change really BUGGED him! 

Poor old Gregor. One day he's depressed about his dreary travelling salesman gig, the next, he's roaching around the apartment and disgusting his family. All that's left is creeping the walls and eating garbage. How's his sis ever going to find a sugar daddy with her grotty bro in tow?

Gregor isn’t grotty, he’s our six-legged hero in this tragic tale. 

And yet in the end, the question that haunts us all echoes in our minds in an unceasing echo: is that Jeff Goldblum? 

8.  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland 

Alice as a hippie is eye-catching, but not particularly creative. 

This cupcake was off her head!

What HAS happened to little Alice? Taking 'shrooms, hanging out with hookah smoking ne'er-do-wells and being dragged to court. That's gonna be one hell of a hangover!

As much as I’m intrigued by Alice wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and a peace sign necklace, the summary and the cover consist of one joke and one joke only. 

7. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 

I just like how Dr. Jekyll in this cover looks equally as fucked up as Mr. Hyde. 

No more Mr. Nice Guy... There’s a sinister man about London town with something of the night about him. Mr Hyde is mad, bad and has a penchant for bumping off MPs and other kindly innocents. Will his friend Dr Jekyll be able to stop him? Or is there something more to their relationship than meets the eye…? Only the intrepid Utterson can get to the bottom of this mystery, but what will he find in Dr Jekyll’s lab?

Points to this summary for including Mr. Utterson, and for insinuating that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde may be clandestine lovers. 

6. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens 

Ladies, gentlemen, and otherwise, don’t we love it when a greedy rich man gets bludgeoned by a mace into being more generous and kindly towards others?

This cat was a drag....’til a midnight wake-up call...

Christmas?! What a load of Humbug. Mistletoe and Wine just don't do it for Scrooge; he's a workaholic miser with an attitude problem. If he doesn't change his ways, he'll end up with no friends and Tiny Tim won't last the year. Let's hope some spooky night-time visitors can put the jingle back in his bells!

Ring-a-ling-a-ling, Mr. Scrooge. The mace is raised and the bells are ringing.

5.  Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad 

The tag-line made me, as the youths say, laugh out loud. 

Whoops! Apocalypse....

The horror! The horror!

Kurtz might be the apple of every brutish imperialist’s eye, but his God complex is getting wildly out of hand in the depths of the jungle. What on earth will Marlow find when he finally gets downriver? Devil worship? Savages? Heads on sticks? Or just another nutty white man with his knickers in a twist?

Surprisingly anti-racist summary made this jump to the higher echelons of this esteemed list, though of course that doesn’t excuse this novel’s abhorrent and embarrassing fake-deep racism. It also must be noted that the tag-line should have been “Whoops! White supremacy!” and the text of the novel should have entirely consisted of Chinua Achebe’s essay on the work. 

4. The Hounds of Baskerville by Arthur Conan Doyle

The cover alone is a winner. A rabid chihuahua out for blood? Inspired. 

Murder...Mystery...Walkies!

A desolate moor, a diabolical dog in need of a muzzle and some inbred locals; Sherlock Holmes is really up against it. With the help of his trusty sidekick Dr. Watson, Holmes pieces together a mystery that has captured the imagination of readers across the decades. All whilst practising a serious coffee and cocaine habit.

The tag-line is fun and catchy, but sadly this summary must be admonished for insisting that Dr. Watson is merely a “trusty sidekick” to Sherlock Holmes. Heterosexuality strikes again, reducing the impact of the striking cover design. 

3. Dubliners by James Joyce 

Finally! Some style, some panache, some flair to accompany these short stories about being sad and horny in Ireland. 

Stuck in the Liffey with you...

Booze, Sex and Hot Floury Potatoes… Those Dubliners are at it again!

Liars, thieves, whores and priests… James Joyce sure knew how to throw a party! This relentlessly downbeat collection explores the very worst aspects of human nature, and doesn’t leave out the juicy bits. It might not be in the best possible taste, but who doesn’t want to get down and dirty in Dublin?

The summary and cover work in tandem to wholeheartedly convince me that Dubliners is an action-packed, slick collection of stories detailing the wild escapades of a motley cast of ragamuffins, and I gotta hand it to the folks over at Pulp! Classics for injecting some bonafide vintage cool into Joyce’s work.

2. Othello by William Shakespeare 

I have so many thoughts on this. Mr. T. as Othello is fascinating, as is the tagline, “Some kind of Bard...aaaaasss.” Is this a commentary on blaxploitation media? One can’t help but recall Mr. T.’s reasoning behind his mohawk, his gold chains, to honor his ancestors and assert his living, unshakable humanity in a racist society. Is this is a genuine effort on the part of Pulp! Classics to imply that a blaxploitation-influenced adaptation of Othello could reveal deeper truths to the play that we have had yet to glimpse? 

Some kind of Bard... aaaasss

He’s a bardass brother with the love of a fine woman. That is until some cloven hoofed honky starts talking crazy about variously hued sheep tupping the hell outta each other! You gotta pity the fool who gets shafted by the green eyed monster. Let’s hope Othello can work out who to trust before it’s too late…

The fast-paced alliterative language of the summary harkens to Shakespeare’s own wit-fueled dialogue and penchant for creative language. The summary also calls Iago a devil, which is apt, and implicitly criticizes his racism, hinting at the play’s greater tragedies to come. The cover and summary also work in tandem to emphasize Othello’s jealousy and destruction: the “green-eyed monster” is mentioned, and the cover itself is a putrid green. An excellent example of what a vintage cover and summary can achieve. 

1. Frankenstein by Mary Shelly 

You all knew this was coming. 

This kid was born on the wrong side of the lab...

Frankenstein’s monster is on the rampage; terrorising the locals, unleashing murderous hell… and reading novels in his spare time. Can his petrified creator stop this reign of horror before his girlfriend gets the chop?

A James Dean-inspired creature, thereby making them a queer icon? Masterful. The creature being “born on the wrong side of the lab?” A stroke of genius; that they’re called a kid puts the poignancy of the monster’s plight into even greater relief, while simultaneously emphasizing their tragic charm. The clear distinction between Frankenstein and the creature? Reader, I exhaled in a cathartic release of tension. The loving detail that the creature reads novels in their spare time, like any other leather-jacket wearing, motorcycle-riding ruffian with a heart of gold? Beautiful. 

Truly, the obvious queer energy of this cover and summary highlights an overlooked dimension of Shelly’s great work while also paying homage to what draws us to this Modern Prometheus time after time. Do we care about the petrified creator in this summary? Not at all. He’s not on the cover, appearing both rebellious and gentle. We are here for the creature, in their leather jacket, on their motorcycle, novel sticking out of a back pocket on their jeans, ready to whisk us away to a place where even monsters like us can find solace, and be at peace, and commune with each other. We need only take their outstretched hand, and be willing to leave the mundane world for something better, for the chance to no longer be alone. 

[snowpatrolfanclubbrazil]

Snow Patrol’s Gary Lightbody: ‘I wrote it to save myself from my depression’

Snow Patrol frontman Gary Lightbody talks about his struggle with alcohol and mental health, and the band’s first album in seven years

Gary Lightbody’s mood of late has been reflective. A raft of publicity interviews surrounding Snow Patrol’s return after a seven-year hiatus has dragged up a lot in terms of emotional baggage. Headlines about the battle with alcohol and struggles with mental health that plagued Lightbody when the band wound down for a number of years have been plentiful. Honesty, Lightbody says, was always going to be the policy this time around. He warned his nearest and dearest that what he was about to discuss wasn’t going to be pretty.

“I made the decision that there was no question that I wasn’t going to answer,” says Lightbody. “I said to myself and anyone else that I needed [to], ‘I’m going to say everything, I’m never going to not answer a question when we are doing this.’ I needed everybody to know that.”

True to his word, Lightbody has been open and frank while discussing the depths he sank to before making the decision to give up alcohol completely. Finding himself drinking alone in numerous establishments was a warning sign, as were the shadows cast on his mental health due to daily boozing sessions. Suicide was something that crossed his mind, he has said.

Today, two years since he had his last drink just before his 40th birthday, he has no regrets. Opening up about his problems has, he says, saved him.

“I opened the place in myself, the door that I was always too afraid to open. Now that it’s open, I have to keep it open and it’s the only way to protect myself from it happening again,” he says.

Lightbody drew on his personal experiences while writing songs for Wildness, the band’s latest album. Although singles such as Don’t Give In provide a clear link to his struggles, Lightbody says it was never his intention to write the album to help others.

“There’s very little nobility to songwriting — if other people relate to it, that’s amazing. I don’t think trying to guess what people want you to say is valuable. If it has the secondary effect of helping people in their own lives in a small way, then that’s great. But I have to be honest, it wasn’t intentional. I wrote this album for myself and I always do.”

Wildness topped the charts in Ireland, but was held off from the top post in the UK by the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman. Chart positions were not, Lightbody insists, high on the agenda of the group, which was formed at the University of Dundee in 1994. He praises the patience of bandmates Johnny McDaid, Jonny Quinn, Nathan Connolly and Paul Wilson for the time it took to finish the new record. Despite some songs taking two years for him to finish, he says the band never pushed him.

To be welcomed back with such open arms has been a bonus, he says, seeming genuinely surprised at the reception of the record.

“We really weren’t expecting anything — we’ve been away for such a long time. The real triumph and the real joy was just in getting the album out, full stop, you know? There were times when we were making it that I thought, ‘I’m never going to get this done.’ So to actually release it was a hell of a thing.”

Wildness has been lauded by fans and critics as worth the wait, particularly against the backdrop of the struggles Lightbody overcame to write each track. The band’s first release since Fallen Empires in 2011, Wildness journeys from Lightbody’s struggles and his beloved father Jack’s battle with dementia on Soon, through to more uplifting, hopeful tones in Heal Me and Life on Earth.

“The lyrics took a long time to finish,” he admits. “The music was done and they were waiting for me to sing the last words, and I was still writing the last words. It was Heal Me that we finished last, and when I finished and wrote the last line . . . I thought that I was going to feel this real sense of release and joy and accomplishment — anything. I felt bereavement — a deep, deep loss, like something terrible happened and I couldn’t figure out why.”

The other glaringly obvious problem, Lightbody says, was that since he had stopped drinking he struggled with grasping how he was supposed to celebrate signing off the record. Similar feats with albums including Final Straw (2003) and Eyes Open (2006) resulted in banging nights out and banging headaches, mustered with a sense of achievement and accomplishment. Without alcohol, would any celebration feel worthy of sending Wildness to the presses?

“I went home that night and was sitting on my own and thinking, ‘This feels very strange.’ It took two weeks before the feeling that I was hoping for sank in and I started to feel this feeling of accomplishment. It was very weird, a slow release, and I guess that’s probably the way of things from now on. There isn’t that full-stop. Well, unless I start drinking again, which I hope to hell I don’t,” he says with a laugh. “I’m not going to start drinking again, that’s for sure. I certainly knew how to celebrate the end of things.”

There’s a slight element of “ah, I wasn’t that bad” when Lightbody discusses his drinking, but clearly things must have been. He says he was a nice drunk, that friends would say he was a funny one and “at least not a pain in the arse”, but it was eventually under a doctor’s orders that he had to bring it to a complete halt.

“I was about to fly to France to see Northern Ireland play in the Euros in 2016,” Lightbody says of the week everything changed.

“The doctor said, ‘You can’t fly, you’re a mess.’ But I still thought about flying . . . like a moron. About a month later I stayed off it. It was June 3, 2016. And I’ve stayed off it since then.”

Not that Lightbody is preachy. Abstaining from alcohol as a rock star has to come with frequent temptations. Maintaining his new lifestyle is a daily battle, one he starts each morning with yoga and meditation. He counts an acupuncturist friend, Gabrielle, “a Jedi”, as his saviour. Heal Me is dedicated to his pal, who he says cured him of many ailments. Like many people who suffer with mental health issues, if he doesn’t keep on top of things, shadows can re-emerge.

During time away from the band, Lightbody and McDaid began some high-profile co-writing and producing relationships with other stars. They have worked extensively with Ed Sheeran, and Lightbody is astonished at Sheeran’s ability to maintain his levels of normality with the height of fame he has reached. Having known Sheeran since the singer was 19, Snow Patrol are part of a tight-knit group that Sheeran trusts and keeps at his side. For the singer, who recently played a series of gigs to more than 400,000 Irish fans, to not have turned into some sort of monstrous diva is, Lightbody reckons, pretty remarkable.

“We are not even [in] the same universe as what Ed is living in terms of fame, but he deals with it very well and very smartly, and protects himself when he needs to be protected,” says Lightbody.

“He’s not really been affected and there’s not even an atom’s worth of diva in him. It’s an extraordinary thing to have that level of fame and not to be affected by it.”

Sheeran’s tendency to collaborate with songwriters such as Lightbody is not because of any inability to write his own music, but because of the sense of camaraderie that comes with it.

“His writing is extraordinary, great songs just pour out of him,” says Lightbody.

“I’ve been in the room many times writing with him and it just flows. The great solo artist really just needs people to bounce ideas off. It’s not a matter of not being able to write songs themselves. Ed could write them all on his own.”

Snow Patrol, meanwhile, are due to play a number of European tour dates after memorable comeback performances in Derry, Belfast, Dublin, Cork and Killarney last month. The performance in Derry was particularly poignant for the band, because the guest list consisted of 100 members of their family and friends. Emotions were also heightened because Scott Hutchison of Frightened Rabbit had just died. In a social media post, Lightbody hailed Hutchinson as “one of Scotland’s most extraordinary songwriters. He wrote with such profound insight into loss and longing and listening to his words always made me feel this heady mix of wonder, elation and pain. I just wish he knew what he meant to so many”. Snow Patrol’s warm welcome back from their fans should, equally, go some way towards showing Lightbody what his songwriting has meant to so many.

“Everything seemed to mean more that night,” says Lightbody of the Derry performance.

“I had gone through my own mental health problems, I’m singing Don’t Give In and I’m thinking about my family, and I’m thinking about Scott and the people that he left behind. It took on a deeper meaning and I guess that’s the power of music, really, it can hit you in ways that you can’t even imagine.”

Having made the decision to move home from LA in recent years, the singer seems at peace at home in Northern Ireland. His family live with him and, as well as getting to spend time with his father, he says he is enjoying watching his 11-year-old niece growing up.

“I think I just finally realised what’s truly important”. Wildness is out now. Snow Patrol play the 3Arena, Dublin, on December 11

[devils-gatemedia]

The Wednesday 13/Combichrist co-headline tour has been blitzing the retinas of audiences throughout mainland Europe for a few weeks now. Prior to both bands appearing at Bloodstock Open Air Festival, they were kind enough to lay waste to Dublin and Belfast before catching the ferry over to Scotland for a killer gig in Glasgow. The term “gig” is used loosely. Less of a gig, more of an all-out assault on the senses.

Opening the show, and popping their Weegie cherries, were LA electronic duo Night Club. Can a guy at a table top, and a vocalist out front do enough to grab your attention, and hold onto it for thirty minutes? A resounding yes. Mark Brooks is the man at the tech-covered table top, Emily Kavanaugh is out front and she is working hard. She is non-stop, side to side, back to front, making sure that those in early doors are paying attention. CHVRCHES are a synth-based Scottish group currently packing them in, mostly pop orientated, but one of the freshest electro-pop acts out there. Night Club have more of an edge to them, and they are way more dark and sinister. ‘Freak Like Me’ has a deep, pulsating electronic drum groove that recalls classic Reznor; deeply hypnotic with wicked lyrics…”Think you’re so fucking cool but don’t have a clue and you show it”. Kavanaugh is dizzying to watch as she never stands still, constantly cajoling the crowd on the barrier into some participation. Arms are raised on her command as she takes over. ‘Dear Enemy’ has a great mix of nasty, sleazy beats with a super-clean vocal from Kavanaugh, almost like she is whispering at times. The beats are infectious, and before long, you are moving in time without really knowing it. ’Bad Girl’ brings the short set to an end, and afterwards people are downstairs seeking out some Night Club merch. Check them out here.

Combichrist have been kicking in doors now since 2003. Their style of aggrotech really needs to be witnessed in a darkened club, and it doesn’t get darker than tonight. By the time that Andy LaPlegua leads the band out, the place has filled quite considerably, and the amount of Combichrist shirts in the crowd has risen. Aggrotech is often seen as the bastard offspring of industrial music; it’s more electro driven, with less emphasis on guitars. Combichrist put their emphasis on the percussive side of industrial. They have two drummers, each perched on risers, facing each other from opposite sides of the stage. Watching them through the darkness is incredible. Any self-respecting old fart will remember the glory days of Glam Rock when he-who-shall-not-be-named had two drummers in his band (as did Adam Ant). Combichrist have Nick Rossi on one side and Joe Letz on the other, and neither are content to give up the spotlight to fellow band members unencumbered  by a drum kit. Rossi is everywhere, playing standing up, climbing on his kit to fire up the faithful. Letz is in make up and wearing mouth guard that makes him look like a fucked-up Aardman Animation creation… like Nick Park had a vision to scare the shit out of kids everywhere. Watching them throw drum sticks to each other, from opposite sides of the stage, and catch them while continuing to hammer out the skull-crushing beats, is spell binding to watch. A real lesson in showmanship.

The early airing of monsters such as ‘Electrohead’, ‘Throat Full Of Glass’ and a gonzo version of ‘Exit Eternity’ have the crowd surfers up and the pits open. Combichrist are fucking relentless. LaPlegua has a riser at the front of the stage, and uses it well to make him seem like he is towering over the audience. He stands back and watches as the chaos of ‘Maggots At The Party’ and closing track, ‘What The Fuck Is Wrong With You’ ensues, pausing to pay tribute to security at the front who are looking after the surfers as they come over. Combichrist are not to be missed. Prepare to be dazzled.

The Duke of Spook, Wednesday 13, always puts on a killer show, but having Combichrist pummel the crowd beforehand seems to have given him added impetus. After quite a lengthy change over (considering the venue has a strict curfew), the lights dim and the band crash into ‘What The Night Brings’. Wednesday 13 appears with the first of many visual props, a double-headed axem and he cuts quite a figure as he swings it around over his head. The band are heavily made up in ghoul face paint and the spooky backing music adds to the eeriness. It’s dark, but you can still make out drummer Kyle Castronovo, his skills no doubt making his old man, Deen Castronovo, a proud father. As the band have got to get to Bloodstock, there’s not much time for chit-chat. When Wednesday 13 greets the crowd with, “Good evening, people of Earth“, it’s practically the only time he talks. I’m fine with that, and, like Alice Cooper, he stays in character most of the show. ‘Blood Sick’ slides into ‘Scream Baby Scream’ and the old neck muscles get a good workout. That is nothing compared to the rollicking run through of the Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13 nugget, ‘197666’. Horror-punk at it’s very best.

The props that Wednesday 13 uses are simple, and very effective. Whether it’s a flashlight strafing through the crowd, or the white suit and horned face mask on ‘Condolences’, this is the best show without a massive production that I’ve seen in a while. It’s best exemplified when Wednesday 13 appears on ‘Prey For Me’ wearing a blood-stained butchers apron, and a white face mask on the back of his head. It’s freaky as hell having the frontman performing with his back to the crowd, yet a dead face mask staring right at you. This continues for ‘Put Your Death Mask On’. It’s hard to describe the effect, but there are plenty examples of it online.

Encore time is short and sweet. Wednesday 13 is back out wearing a skeleton costume for another Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13 classic, this time it’s, what else but, ‘I Love To Say Fuck’. He has a large umbrella, with which he ignores the old superstition, and opens it indoors to reveal a large print of a fist with the middle finger raised in defiance. Simple prop, cleverly used to great effect. By the time the crowd had got last orders in next door, Wednesday 13 was probably tearing South on the M74 to a sun-soaked Bloodstock, but for optimal effect, this is a show for a darkened venue. Easily one of the best Wednesday 13 shows I’ve caught.

Review: Dave S

Photos: Dave J

Review: Wednesday 13/Combichrist – Glasgow The Wednesday 13/Combichrist co-headline tour has been blitzing the retinas of audiences throughout mainland Europe for a few weeks now.

[jenmedsbookreviews]

Can four pictures really sum up my week? Well, if I’m being honest they come pretty close. Reading, paperwork, sunny skies and traffic jams. That’s what I’ve been up to. The sunny skies makes a nice change. Well … not a change exactly, it’s becoming quite repetitive now, but hey – we mustn’t complain.

So how has your week been? Good? Good. I had a pretty awesome one by all accounts. Monday, despite being at work (boo hiss) I had a pretty fabulous day as I was Netgalley approved for one of THE books I have been most anticipating all year, the first in James Oswald’s brand new Constance Fairchild series, No Time To Cry. Now I was in Dublin training on Monday so I started reading it in my lunch break. Carried on reading it in the airport where I was only disturbed by a small false fire alarm, boarding the plane and driving home. I know! Annoying right? Carried on reading when I got home, finished around two a.am. I am completely gutted now as reading it so quickly means I have ages to wait for the next book in either series but by ‘eck. It was good. Sooooooo good. This was my only Netgalley this week, but that’s no bad thing lol. And as I arrived home to a signed copy of The Reckoning by Yrsa Sigurdardottir courtesy of Goldsboro Books too, the day was pretty good all in all.

Tuesday was a work day (boo hiss) but I crammed in some reading in the evening, even though I was absolutely shattered from my early morning book binge. Wednesday was a little more exciting as I drove down to London for an early morning (six a.m.) appointment the following day, Whilst there it felt only polite to head along to the London launch for Louise Voss’ The Old You and Doug Johnstone’s Fault Lines. The sacrifices one makes for blogging huh?

A fabulous evening in the gallery of Collyer Bristow on Beford Row in some wonderful company. So nice to catch up with old friends, Vicki Goldman, Joy Kluver, Jacob Collins, Anne Cater, Karen Cole, Mary Picken, Barry Forshaw and Marina Sofia. I met Daniel Pembrey who is lovely, and of course it was a chance to say hi to the lovely Karen Sullivan again and also the effervescent Meggy who was in her element and perhaps more than a little high on chocolate cake ;), One of the biggest surprises of the night was seeing Thomas Enger there – totally not expecting that but just shows what a fab team the Orenda guys are as he flew in all the way from Norway to give his support to the launch.

Book wise I picked up a signed copy of Fault Lines (I already had The Old You from earlier in the year at the Orenda Roadshow in Warwick) and an arc of Good Samaritans by Will Carver, an arc I have been rather jealous of having seen arriving with all my blogging compadres.

Driving home from Tottenham on Thursday was pure hell. Hell I tell you! Left at three and, with a series of delays, accidents and general nonsense to contend with, plus a very late breakfast stop at four thirty p.m., I finally arrived home just before eight. You’d think I’d be unhappy about that right? Well normally I would be but I managed to finish an audio book and then, when you arrive home to a massive parcel with your TBC auction wins in it, well you can’t stay in a bad mood for long can you? Such a wonderful sight to see.

What was in it? Well … Random, Snapshot, Cold Grave, Witness The Dead, In Place of Death, Murderabilia and The Photographer by Craig Robertson and The Unseen, The Price, The Harrowing and The Book of Shadows by Alexandra Sokoloff. Oh, plus some Ferrero Rocher and a Bloody Scotland t-shirt. Tidy.

Friday it was back to work and some rather dull but essential meetings and a lot more spreadsheet work. You’d think I’d be flagging by this point, and normally you’d be right, but an email from the lovely Karen Sullivan put a big smile on my face and not even talking coffee pods, cost centre reports or proof of delivery capture could get me down. More on that later in the week 😉

Saturday and Sunday … well a little walking and more reading plus a whole lot of review writing. I’m a little behind. Unlike my actual behind which is currently anything other than little hence my need for all the walking, even in this heat… saw some cygnets down a the local canal basin though so that was nice. And the books I have been reading are awesome which is also nice 🙂

Book purchase wise I was quite good really. For me. No new audible, just the one Netgalley above and only three book purchased, two pre-orders and one free short story. They were The Night She Died by Jenny Blackhurst; Death’s Door by Paul Finch and No Further Questions by Gillian McAllister.

Books I have read

No Time To Cry – James Oswald

Undercover ops are always dangerous, but DC Constance Fairchild never expected things to go this wrong.

Returning to their base of operations, an anonymous office in a shabby neighbourhood, she finds the bloodied body of her boss, and friend, DI Pete Copperthwaite. He’s been executed – a single shot to the head.

In the aftermath, it seems someone in the Met is determined to make sure that blame for the wrecked operation falls squarely on Con’s shoulders. She is cut loose and cast out, angry and alone with her grief… right until the moment someone also tries to put a bullet through her head.

There’s no place to hide, and no time to cry.

Oh my life how I loved this book. Constance ‘Con’ Fairchild is a brilliant new protagonist who I am looking forward to getting to know. Very different in tone and style from the Inspector McLean series, it still bears James Oswald’s natural style of a twisted and complex story, with just a hint of something … supernatural, captivating characters and feisty determination. He may give his leads a very privileged start in life but he never quite lets them get comfortable. Loved it. And if you’ve not read any books by Mr Oswald yet, this is a great place to start. I’ll be reviewing later in the year, may do a taster review later in the month (ebook publication is late July) and you can preorder your own copy here. Do it. you know you want to.

…

The Killing Habit – Mark Billingham

How do you catch a killer who is yet to kill? We all know the signs. Cruelty, lack of empathy, the killing of animals. Now, pets on suburban London streets are being stalked by a shadow, and it could just be the start.

DI Tom Thorne knows the psychological profile of such offenders all too well, so when he is tasked with catching a notorious killer of domestic cats, he sees the chance to stop a series of homicides before they happen.

Others are less convinced, so once more, Thorne relies on DI Nicola Tanner to help him solve the case, before the culprit starts hunting people. It’s a journey that brings them face to face with a killer who will tear their lives apart.

Mark Billingham has a real knack for taking real life cases and spinning them into an occasionally gruesome, always compelling, what if kind of scenario. The book starts in an almost surreal way with Thorne tasked with capturing a cat killer of all people, and ends in a way no-one could have foreseen, Gripping, action laden and with the wonderful pairing of Thorne with his exact opposite, Nicola Tanner once more, this is irresistably good. I’ll be reviewing soon but you can get your own copy here.

…

A Patient Fury – Sarah Ward

When Detective Constable Connie Childs is dragged from her bed to the fire-wrecked property on Cross Farm Lane she knows as she steps from the car that this house contains death.

Three bodies discovered – a family obliterated – their deaths all seem to point to one conclusion: One mother, one murderer.

But D.C. Childs, determined as ever to discover the truth behind the tragedy, realises it is the fourth body – the one they cannot find – that holds the key to the mystery at Cross Farm Lane.

What Connie Childs fails to spot is that her determination to unmask the real murderer might cost her more than her health – this time she could lose the thing she cares about most: her career.

This was my first Connie Childs book, although I have the others on my kindle waiting patiently. I know I’veprobably missed quite a bit in Connie’s first outings but I have to say i really liked her, a determined officer, stubborn even, who is not willing to let things go just because she is ordered to do so and who has great instincts which she knows to trust. A harrowing case involving the death of a child puts the whole team on edge. Clever plotting, excellent writing and a guarantee I’ll be back for more. I\ll be reviewing as part of the tour later in the month but you can buy a copy here.

…

Dancing on the Grave – Zoe Sharp

In one of the most beautiful corners of England, Something very ugly is about to take place…

A sniper with a mission… a young cop with nothing to lose… a CSI with everything to prove… a teenage girl with a terrifying obsession…

There’s a killer on the loose in the Lake District, and the calm of an English summer is shattered.

For newly qualified crime-scene investigator, Grace McColl, it’s both the start of a nightmare and the chance to prove herself after a mistake that cost a life.

For Detective Constable Nick Weston, recently transferred from London, it’s an opportunity to recover his nerve after a disastrous undercover operation that left him for dead.

And for a lonely, loveless teenage girl, Edith, it’s the start of a twisted fantasy—one she never dreamed might come true.

A standalone CSI led thriller this involves a high profile murder, a killer on the loose with a very unstable young woman at his side. High tension, high action and with brilliantly drawn characters this is another top class read from author Zoe Sharp and highly recommended. I’ll be reviewing on the tour later in the month but do yourself a favour and bag a copy here.

…

Four books – not too shabby all things considered. It’s been a busy week. Less so on the blog but I am meant to be slowing down…

The Note by Andrew Barrett

A Meditation on Murder by Robert Thorogood

Death on Dartmoor by Bernie Steadman

After He’s Gone by Jane Isaac

Guest Post: Robert Dugoni – Author of A Steep Price

The week ahead is pretty full on. I’ve a few blog tours starting tomorrow with The Death of Mrs Westaway by Rith Ware and A Summer Scandal by Kat French; How Far We Fall by Jane Shemilt and Gone To Ground by Rachel Amphlett.

I’ll also be taking part in an exclusive cover reveal on Wednesday so do stop by. I promise you that you really want to see this. Love it.

My week will otherwise be made up of work, reading, reviewing and – wait for it – actual writing. Yes, you read that right. No more messing about. I will be writing. Eek. No pressure.

Have a fabulous and hopefully sunny and book filled week all. See you on the other side.

Jen

Rewind, recap: Weekly update w/e 01/07/18 Can four pictures really sum up my week? Well, if I'm being honest they come pretty close.

[tinkerbelljayne]

I absolutely loved this race so I’m gonna get the big fat negative out the way with – the toilet situation at the start line was absolutley ridiculous.

*Leans back, sips tea, crosses legs and prepares to have one hell of a rant*

There are four waves, each wave a different colour and I was purple, the last wave (ie. the slowest group). Us purples had quite the walk to the start line. There was not only a 10 minute walk to our, let’s call it, our ‘pen’, but a further 10 minute walk from the pen to the start line (although I didn’t know this at the time). This was to give the other three waves a chance to set off before us slow coaches reached the start line for our scheduled start time of 9.30am.

As all the runners from all the waves queued for the toilets in the baggage drop-off area, a lady on a speaker began telling us not to queue for these toilets but to head to our designated pens, where there are “80-100 more toilets available”.

80 more toilets? What am I wasting my time here for? So, desperately needing a piss – which seemed to be the theme of the weekend so far as all I’d done since I arrived in Ireland is need a a bloody wee due to consuming so much water – I toddled off to the purple area.

But when I got there, I was absolutely devastated to see that there were not 100 toilets, more like 10! And the crowd of hundreds of people standing around in front of me wasn’t actually a crowd of people, it was a toilet queue, one big enough to resemble the opening of a new ride at Alton Towers!

It was too late to go back to the other toilets. I had no choice but to wait.

50 minutes queuing for the loo (yes 50 minutes!) meant I was one of the last 15 people to cross the start line out of 16,000. As the clock ticked closer to 9.30am, many of my fellow runners gave up queuing and headed to the start line. But those of us absolutley determined to go to to the toilet (aka those of us with weak bladders who were about to piss our pants at any moment) kept queuing and waiting for a portaloo to become available. As more and more people nervously darted for the start line grumbling ‘sod this’, the quieter and quieter my now not-so-atmospheric purple pen became. But there was no way I was starting my marathon with a bladder full of pee.

By the time I exited a stinky loo, having pissed like a race horse, there was hardly anyone around, not even the girl I’d befriended in the queue who I thought would wait for me because we bonded over snacks.

As I began my run at a rather late 9:44am, there were no crowds cheering me on, no big cardboard signs, no DJ throwing out tunes; it was like a scene from a zombie move. Almost everyone had vanished, there were abandoned jackets everywhere and half empty water bottles rolling in the wind like tumbleweeds. Unlike the cheering crowds at the Paris marathon six months earlier, there were just a few passers-by giving me a little slow clap as I began mile one of 26.2.

Whilst having the empty space to run at a good pace was a big bonus (at Paris my first mile was incredibly slow due to actual human traffic) it felt eerily quiet. And I didn’t like the fact that if I didn’t catch up with my fellow runners that I could potentially be the one of the last to cross the finish line. I wanted to be alongside them, I wanted the race atmosphere, I needed it. This need must have lead me to subconsciously pick up my pace and after no more than a few minutes, I was reaching my fellow purple runners who had all started before me.

(I actually had no idea that despite being one of the last 15 runners to start, throughout my 26.2 miles I would overtake nearly 4000 runners as I finished in 12,107th place out of nearly 16000 participants *pats herself on the back*)

In no time at all I was comfortably snuggled into the Dublin Marathon atmosphere and surrounded by other runners. Phew!

Despite running at a quicker pace than usual at the start, I didn’t feel too tired or like I had peaked too soon, I felt just right. The weather was lovely – bright and sunny and a cool 14 degrees. With the sun shining and with the lovely Irish runners all being in such high spirits (so much chanting and constant encouragement for each other) it was impossible not to absolutely love this run. I had a full on runners high at mile seven as I ran under the blue sky, passing a beautiful lake, gorgeous sky high trees, one of my favourite Chemical Brothers tracks beating in my ears; my feet simply pounding the pavements to the rhythm. I felt blissfully happy and unusually energised.

During my training the second time around I’d found it much harder to reach the autopilot stage. For me it’s usually around mile four or five and only continues upto to mile eight or nine. When it switches off, you have to really push yourself. But this time I managed to run on auto-pilot from around mile three until mile 10, where three of my friends where waiting, with banners!

I was chuffed to see them, although not so chuffed when I realised they were stood waiting at the top of a hill and I knew there was no way I could walk it, not when I had supporters waiting in the cold. To be honest I was was so excited to see them that I sprinted to the top (the only hill I managed to sprint). Pretty much as soon as I got to them I was offloading things I didn’t need anymore; it was goodbye jacket, goodbye scarf and I also decided to abandon some peanut m&m’s that my tastebuds were just not hankering for.

My friends asked how I was feeling and I remember saying “okay actually, I don’t feel too tired and I haven’t taken an energy gel yet”. I took a quick pic of them and then was off on my way again, promising to meet them at the finish line. But no sooner had that sentence come out my mouth and I was faced with some serious hills. Runners who do trail runs or who are used to hilly courses might not have found them that bad, but I rarely run hills. So this was hard for me. There is one in my local park and I hate it – it kills me every time. Fortunately these hills didn’t actually kill me, what got me through them was knowing that what goes up, must come down and I managed to do every single hill at a steady pace.

Shortly after mile 13 when I hit the half way point, I had that knot in my stomach when I realised I’d have to do what I just did all over again. And yet still I didn’t feel the need for an energy gel. I did notice that the food I was struggling to digest a few hours ago had well and truly been digested and I felt a little hungry, so I avoided the gels packed in my bumbag and took out some skittles instead. These honestly really help me. It’s a sweet sugary little fix that gives me a lovely boost of energy even if it is only short.

Still feeling fairly okay (obviously very tired but nowhere near stopping point) and having consumed my skittles, I decided to look at my Fitbit for the first time, which was timing me. As I peered down at my wrist I was quite surprised. According to my watch I was actually doing okay for time, much better than I’d anticipated. Although my previous record was 04:47:17, I was aiming this time round for 05:30:00 (due to my lack of training and being ill). I realised that if the race continued to go as well as it had done so far, then I could actually be on for a PB, to do that I needed to cross the finish line in 04:47:16 or under. And just over half way I was on a time of 02:16:22.

But I also knew that just like during my 19 mile practice run a few weeks ago, I could crash and burn at any point, that I might have to stop all together, that if the pain that came during my 19 miler returned to my legs or my hips, that it could even be game over.

But I could try, couldn’t I?

  During Paris, the organisers gave out pieces of banana and orange. The orange was a game-changer, it’s incredible what a slice of it can do when your running. It’s so refreshing and revitalising. Unfortunately the Dublin Marathon doesn’t give out any kind of food or snacks, only water and Lucozade. But thankfully the people of Dublin do! Stood outside their houses, they hold out boxes of Haribo sweets, skittles, Jaffa cakes, bananas – AND ORANGES! You have no idea how much I wanted to cry when a little girl at mile 15 was stood, looking so adorable and angelic in a pretty dress, with a huge tub of orange slices. I ran up to her and called her my angel, grabbing two slices, lobbing them into my mouth one at a time like mouth guards, and sucked the life out of them. Across the next six miles I was able to suck on five more pieces of orange, each stranger feeding me not only pieces of orange but words of encouragement “go on girl, your doing so well, your incredible”.

I honestly cannot express how wonderful the crowds and supporters were, from cheering us all on and telling us how well we are doing, to handing out refreshments just because they wanted to help, to holding up some of the most brilliant signs I’ve ever seen (including a chap at mile 24 holding up a sign saying ‘My arms are killing me.’) I must have high fived about 20 people and I hit 4 different ‘touch here to power up’ signs – they actually work!

For some reason the whole of my run up until mile 19 felt like it had gone very quick. Obviously not quick quick, but it hadn’t dragged. But mile 19 was the point I got to when I really started to struggle. I’d needed a wee at around mile 18 and so had popped to the loo, and as I had began running again I realised how absolutely knackered my body felt. I’d already had plenty of water, plenty of Lucozade, and I couldn’t face anymore skittles. As I felt myself slowing down and my chances of a PB slipping from me, I pulled out an energy gel.

I went with Clif energy gels this time after being a little disappointed with Stealth in Paris. And despite not initially liking the citrus flavour on my training runs, I just could not face the sickly overpowering taste of the chocolate or the espresso ones, so I actually chose my least favourite and went for the citrus. At the next water stop I grabbed a bottle to help down the thick liquid, only I couldn’t open the dam thing. The tab you pull to open the wrapper was somehow pulled off by my sweaty hand and I had to use my teeth. This was difficult to say the least. The label on the back was transferring to my hand and face like a cheap tattoo transfer due to beig so sweaty and I had to keep wiping it off. But eventually I managed to pierce a small whole in the sachet and squeeze some into my mouth. The whole was so small and so painfully difficult to get gel out of though – and I was on a pretty tight schedule – I probably only consumed about half of it before I tossed it away.

But half was enough.

Somewhere in between mile 22 and 23 the gel, along with one last cup of Lucozade, had well and truly kicked in! Despite feeling super tired and in pain, I started speeding up and overtaking runners, dodging in and out of them like I was in a TV car chase. Throughout most of my race I had been running behind the 5 hour pace makers who all had giant red balloons tied to them, floating above so us runners could see them. Those b***** balloons. I felt like I’d been chasing them for most of my run, I nearly overtook them at mile 18 but needed the loo. But at mile 23 I finally ran past them. Knowing I had started the run about 10 minutes after them and that I was now overtaking them, I knew I must be soooo close to getting a PB.

But my burst of energy didn’t quite last the rest of the race. I can’t even begin to describe how painful that last mile was!

My feet were hurting, me legs were hurting, I could feel myself losing my breath. I had no idea how I was even running anymore, let alone how I was going to finish the last mile. You’d think mile 26 would be the easiest bit- it’s nearly over, It’s easy, right?

Nope. It’s horrifyingly painful and it feels like the longest mile of your life. Everytime I turned a corner and I didn’t see the finish line I wanted to cry. I was so close to stopping, but I just told myself ‘it will be over soon.’ I finally saw a sign saying ‘2k to go’. 2k – thats nothing. And yet it dragged soooooo much. The crowds got bigger and bigger, “your nearly there” they shouted, yet there wasn’t a finish line in sight. This was the worst 2k of my entire life – I had no energy left, I was in pain, I so badly wanted to just stop and walk it. But deep down I knew there was no way I was walking across that finish line. I’m so stubborn. At one point I thought I could feel one of my toe nails coming off, but I still kept on running.

As me and my surrounding runners turned one final corner, sure enough the finish line came in sight. I wanted to cry. It still looked so far away. But I just continued to tell myself “it will be over soon, it will be over soon, it will be over soon.” I quickly glanced at my Fitbit and could see I was on around 04:45. I couldn’t let it get to 04:47. I couldn’t. It was time to speed up.

It took every ounce of strength to move my body faster, and I still don’t know how I did it, but somehow I started sprinting towards that finish line. My body ached, especially my feet, my breathing was chaotic, at one point I felt like I actually couldn’t breathe. I had tears in my eyes as I realised I was literally steps away. And suddenly I was crossing it, suddenly I was on the other side of the line. It was over.

Did I really just do that? How did I do that? was all I could think. I actually felt faint and tried to lean on a railing before being ushered away by staff. Everything felt like a dream. In fact I felt like I was in shock. I limped towards man who placed a medal around my neck and congratulated me. I wanted to cry but I felt like I had no energy. I stumbled further along where I was given a T-shirt, I should have grabbed a medium, but in my haze, I just took a small from the women handing them out. I was given a plastic bag and inside I saw a bottle of water and Lucozade and quickly grabbed them both and began to down them.

Then I felt my phone vibrate. It was my Dublin Marathon app. My hands shaking, I swiped my phone open and saw the alert telling me I had completed the marathon…

…in 04:46:32.

I had a new PB.

I literally burst into tears!

I had doubted myself so much. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to do it in less than five hours, let alone achieve a PB. I’d only shaved off around a minute, but just weeks earlier I thought I was going to have to pull out all together, so the fact I not only ran it, finished it, and got an even better time, was incredible. I felt so unbelievably proud of myself.

It turns out a) muscle memory is a real thing and god bless my chunky legs for basically being amazing and remembering how to carry me all that way without giving up and b) I have some serious determination in me, like serious serious serious determination – something I am very proud of. My training may not have gone exactly the way it had, but I didn’t let myself down and I worked hard in that last month to really look after my body. And it worked. It really did.

And yes, I’m already planning my next one. In fact I’ve got three more in the pipe line, so watch this space!

  [do_widget id=alder_social_widget-2] [do_widget id=blog_subscription-13]

Running the 2017 Dublin Marathon I absolutely loved this race so I’m gonna get the big fat negative out the way with - the toilet situation at the start line was absolutley ridiculous.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: McKenna, don't suppose you've got my debit? Checking around before I cancel it Buster: Hang on, I'll have a scout Buster: Not seeing it Rio: Great Buster: Want me to call the club? They might have it Rio: Don't bother, place was so sketchy they'd probably just keep it themselves if it wasn't knicked by a random Buster: I can't remember Buster: Where were we? Rio: Gonna get far calling them then weren't ya? Rio: Krystle Rio: first in a series of bad ideas Buster: Weren't complaining at the time Buster: I remember that much Rio: Speak for yourself, dickhead Rio: that was probably some other bitch you're 'fondly remembering' over there 👌🍆 Buster: Give me some credit Buster: Even if a thief has fucked yours Rio: What, not working on your overall score last night? Buster: Wasn't in the mood strangely enough, almost like I'd been at a funeral Rio: 🙄 what a terrible inconvenience for you Rio: not what she woulda wanted for you, respect the dead's wishes Buster: Too busy fulfilling the wishes of the living Rio: Sure, didn't need that much convincing Rio: Didn't fuck my brains out, lad Buster: I'm not the one acting like I did Buster: It happened I'm not gonna cry about it Rio: Fucking should Rio: Your Ma certainly would Rio: mine too if she weren't otherwise engaged Buster: Fuck that Buster: She's got room to talk Buster: Her and my dad grew up together just like we did Rio: Hm Rio: True enough, McKenna Rio: just following family tradition of being fucked up Buster: Following in my parents footsteps like a good lad Rio: well, I'd suggest you find another cousin to maintain the legacy with but if you go near any of them I will kill you myself Buster: Nice to know that's what you think of me Rio: Did you expect a different reception? Rio: What the fuck Buster: Don't drag them into this shit, alright? Buster: We did it. Us Buster: I'm not collecting cousins Rio: I'm not saying I didn't but I know my reasoning Rio: Why did you? Buster: 'cause I wanted to Rio: No shit, I knew that, I was there, remember? Rio: but why, and fuck it, don't need to tell me but ask yourself maybe Buster: I don't know what magic words you're expecting Buster: It's not that deep Rio: Don't be stupid Rio: I want to know what's wrong with you Buster: Ain't nothing wrong here Rio: Fine Rio: Whatever helps you sleep at night, McKenna Buster: I can pay for a shrink, Cavante, I don't need your amateur attempts Rio: So can I Rio: Dunno if the funds will stretch for all 9 of us though Rio: Spare a thought Buster: I already do Rio: Does your philanthropy know no bounds? Rio: Feeling the love Buster: Surprised you've got room next to the guilt Rio: what the fuck are you saying Buster: Such a big mistake, yeah? Rio: yeah, what else could it be? Buster: A good time Buster: They're in short supply around here right now Rio: Whatever you say Rio: Not like this kind of thing isn't what got me here in first place Buster: Drew being a perv had nothing to do with you Rio: You're wrong Rio: hardly one-sided either Buster: Yeah it was Buster: Everyone knows that Rio: I thought he was hot, I'd say as much, I flirted with him Buster: Even if you were wet for him you'd never have gone there Buster: You wouldn't do it to Indie Buster: She idolises that cunt. Or did Rio: Wouldn't I? Rio: Think what you like, I don't wanna talk about it anymore Buster: We don't have to, but come on, Rio, it ain't about what I think Rio: No, it ain't Rio: Don't matter what any of us think or say Rio: too late Buster: It's his fuck up Buster: not yours Rio: and where the fuck is he then? did you see him at the funeral crying his heart out? Rio: 'cos I fucking didn't Buster: No Buster: I wish I had, I'd knock him out Rio: Lol Rio: no one would be rushing to stop you Buster: Good Buster: You at home? Rio: why? wanna come round and meet the parents? Buster: Of course Buster: Parents love me Rio: you love yourself Rio: and stop trying to make me laugh Buster: Yeah, and? Buster: I'm not trying anything Buster: Natural gifts, babe Rio: Everyone's got to have something they're good at, suppose Buster: Man of many gifts Buster: Won't rub it in though Buster: Sore enough today, aren't ya? Rio: Don't push it, McKenna Rio: what I should have said Rio: nothing but grazes from the wall, handled worse Buster: I'll wait 'til tonight if you don't like it in the cold light of day Buster: Since you were saying everything but then Rio: and you've never said anything you regret in the moment, eh? Rio: must've said something to Chlo you didn't mean for her to be so 😍 Buster: What's the point if it worked at the time Buster: She heard what she wanted to hear, I never lied Buster: I'm not gonna feel bad for how she interprets things Rio: Heaven forbid Buster McKenna ever feels bad about anything 😜 Buster: Why should I? Rio: If you've done something wrong Rio: but fair on her, not saying otherwise there, she's clearly a 🐰🍲 Buster: Like I said, ain't nothing wrong here Buster: Cheers for the backup on that though Rio: Perhaps not in your fam Rio: but people as a whole would disagree there Buster: I can't speak for anyone but myself, babe Rio: You're seriously infuriating Rio: But I'm sure you already knew that 😏 Buster: Today I'm actually not trying to be Buster: It is what it is I guess Rio: Old habits Rio: Wouldn't be right if you were nice all of a sudden Buster: Yeah Buster: And I do aim to please so Rio: Thanks Rio: for not falling back on cliches 'cos you don't know what else to say Buster: Again, gimme some credit like Rio: Nah Rio: give you an inch, like Buster: Can't argue that, good as I am at it Rio: tell me, had you considered a career in law? 🤔 Rio: how's uni going anyway? Buster: Acing it as per Rio: 🙄 Glad I asked Rio: still, nice to be near Jay, less desirable to be near her Ma but what you gonna do Buster: Too right Buster: I've got her for a few days when I go back Buster: Chlo is treating this time in Dublin like it's a holiday and reckons she deserves one Rio: Naturally Rio: everyone knows how rowdy Irish wakes get Rio: practically Ibiza with the lads Rio: at least you actually enjoy having your kid around so not the punishment she intends it to be Buster: Exactly Buster: You can come see her if you're that way Buster: And want Rio: Better not, eh Rio: Cute distraction, as she is Buster: I'll pass it on Buster: She don't hold a grudge for long yet Rio: she can't even hold her own head up Rio: come for me when you've got object permanence, babe 😂 Buster: Made you laugh Rio: You're baby-brained, McKenna Rio: telling me you've got my nose in a sec Buster: You'd fall for it Rio: Fuck off 😂 Rio: Might not be a Mum but I've got 9 youngers I've been entertaining since the cradle days Rio: 10 if you count Indie Rio: well, back down to 9 now, ha Buster: How is she? Rio: Fucked Rio: Not only is her Dad worse than she let slide already Rio: well, you know Rio: Hi sis, bye sis Rio: I'm doing my best to look after her but Buster: If there's anything Buster: Call me, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: Got a cape? Buster: I'll splash the cash this afternoon Buster: Consider it done Rio: fit the ego Rio: oops i meant alter-ego Buster: Nah you didn't Rio: Nope 😘 Buster: I'll let you go and cancel your cards then Buster: Unless there's anything else Rio: One last thing Buster: Go on Rio: Reckon we're going to hell? Buster: Fuck that Buster: There's no god to judge us Rio: I'd like to think so Rio: so, just this once, take your word on it Buster: I won't tell anyone it's alright Buster: You can carry on letting everyone know I talk shit Rio: And who's rep are you really protecting there? Rio: Sneaky Rio: I see you Buster: You always have done Buster: Doubt yourself on whatever else you want but that's not up for debating Rio: Too right Rio: Buster I Rio: Never mind actually Rio: you can go Buster: Fuck off leaving me hanging like Buster: What? Rio: Hang on Rio: Just debating if I lie or that's even more shaming Buster: Just tell me Rio: I wanna see you again Rio: before you go Buster: I'll be there Buster: Where are you now? Rio: Sofa surfing Rio: Come get me Buster: Text me the address Buster: I'm getting in the car Rio: On it Buster: See you in 10 Rio: Hurry Rio: no don't Rio: that was a fucking stupid thing to say Rio: be careful, okay? Buster: I promise you

[anavoliselenu]

Dublin street chapter 19

I frowned. “Wait.” I shot a hopeful smile Ellie’s way. “You got your biopsy results?”

“No one told her?” Ellie’s brow puckered as she stared accusingly around the room.

Justin sighed. “Maybe if she would stop avoiding everyone someone might have.”

“Hello!” I waved my hand. “Results please?”

Ellie grinned. “Benign.”

I sagged in relief to hear confirmation of what Dr. Dunham had predicted. “That really should have been the opener.”

“Sorry.”

“Uh huh.” I quirked an eyebrow at Elodie. “P.S. I’m going to take good care of her.” My eyes flickered to Adam who had climbed on top of the covers on Ellie’s other side. “That’s if Lover Boy let’s me.”

Adam grimaced. “I’m too old to be called a Lover Boy.”

“I quite like it.” Ellie smiled mischievously.

“Then Lover Boy it is.”

“Well, I think I’ll go make us all some coffee before I throw up on Ellie’s new bedspread,” I cracked and made to move towards the door.

Justin stepped in front of it, his face expressionless. “We need to talk.” With that he turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving me no choice but to follow.

I found him in my room and as soon as I walked in he strode past me to shut the door.

“We could talk in the sitting room,” I told him irritably, hating him in here where there were so many memories. Plus, his presence in my room had always been overwhelming.

In response, he prowled towards me, only coming to a stop when there was an inch of space between us. I wanted to back up but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. I stared up at him defiantly and he bent his head a little so he could look me directly in the eyes.

“I’ve been trying to give you space, but this is ridiculous.”

My head snapped back at that. “Uh, what?”

I watched his gorgeous and furious eyes narrow into slits. “You’re never here. Are you seeing someone else? Because I swear to God-”

Furious didn’t even cover it. “Are you kidding me?” I yelled, forgetting there was an audience down the hall.

“Well, what the hell is going on?”

I drew in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. “You’re an ass**le. Coming in here and accusing me of messing around behind your back when you’re the one who’s screwing his new nightclub manager.”

Now Justin jerked his head back in shock, and the look he gave me? Well, let’s just say it was not a polite way of expressing that he thought I had a screw loose somewhere. “Isla? You think I’m f**king Isla? I don’t believe this.”

Okay. I was completely confused. I crossed my arms over my chest in an attempt to look as if I was in control of this conversation. “Ellie told me everything.”

His mouth actually fell open. It would have been funny if the situation wasn’t like a knife in my gut. “Ellie? What exactly did Ellie tell you?”

“She met you for lunch. The two of you met her and Adam for lunch and she said that you were all over each other.”

Now Justin crossed his arms over his chest and the soft fabric strained against the muscles of his biceps. I got a flash image of him above me, his hands pressing my wrists into the mattress, the muscles in his arms moving as he thrust hard into me and over and over again.

I flushed, shaking the image out of my head.

Crap.

“Ellie told you she had lunch with me and Isla, and that I was all over Isla?” he asked me slowly, as if I were a mental patient.

I answered through gritted teeth, “Yes.”

“If she hadn’t just had brain surgery I swear to God I’d kill her.”

I blinked. “What?”

Justin took another step forward which meant I had to step back if I didn’t want my boobs mashed up against him. “I never had lunch with Isla and Ellie. They met when she and Adam stopped by the club to drop off a USB stick I left at the flat. They met for two seconds.”

I scratched behind my ear not liking at all where this put me in this conversation. “Why would she tell me that?”

Justin sighed heavily and turned away, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “I don’t know. Probably because I told her I was giving you space as part of the next stage in my plan to get you back, and Ellie didn’t agree it was a good idea. Apparently, Ellie thought jealousy was the next step.” He shook his head and shot me an unfathomable look. “Apparently she was wrong.”

I watched him as he wandered around my room, clearly trying to put his thoughts together as much as I was trying to come to terms with the idea that Justin hadn’t moved on at all. But I still couldn’t understand why Ellie would hurt me like that. I also wondered when the hell she’d started getting so good at lying. She couldn’t lie for shit when I met her.

Oh.

My fault?

“I still don’t understand. I met Isla, buddy, she’s exactly your type, and she was definitely flirting with you.”

“Why do you care?” he grinned, running his hands along my bookshelf. “You said you don’t want—” he stopped, his body tense with a sudden alertness.

“What?”

He pulled at something on my bookshelf, his head bowed, and then he turned to me, eyes accusing. “Going somewhere?” He held up my e-ticket printout for my flight to Virginia.

My brain and emotions were still trying to decide whether this new information affected my plans, so my brain just said the first thing that was technically true. “I’m going home.”

I knew it was bad. I knew it was bad because Justin didn’t say anything. He seared me into my walls with a look I never wanted to see in his eyes again, and then he spun on his heel and slammed out of my room.

No argument. No discussion.

I wanted to cry again. Once I’d started down that path of giving into tears now after years of holding them back, there seemed to be no stopping them. My mouth trembled and I hugged my arms around my body to still the tremors running through the rest of me.

Ten minutes later I felt calm enough to make everyone coffee and take it into Ellie’s room. Justin sat in the corner and didn’t even look at me.

Suffice to say we created a horrible tension in Ellie’s bedroom. Everyone had heard us arguing and everyone had heard Justin nearly splinter the wood on my bedroom door when he slammed it on me. It was awkward.

Finally realizing his mood was poisoning Ellie’s triumphant return home, Justin got up, kissed her forehead, and told her he’d check in later. Ellie nodded, biting her lip in worry as she watched him walk out. She cut me a look and like a guilty school child, I quickly glanced away.

Elodie and Clark left soon after and I was just getting up to leave her and Adam alone when Ellie stopped me.

“What’s going on with you and Justin?”

“Ellie, I’m not dragging you into our drama when you’re still in recovery.”

“Is it about that tiny white lie I told you about Isla?”

I spun around, my eyebrow raised at Ellie’s shamefaced expression. “Yeah. I just found out about that.”

Ellie glanced at Adam who was frowning, clearly confused. “I did a bad thing.”

He nodded. “I’m getting that. What happened?”

“I told Selena that you and I had lunch with Isla and Justin and they were all over each other.”

Her boyfriend reared back just like Justin had. In fact I noticed the two of them had quite a lot of similar mannerisms. They spent far too much time together. “We never had lunch with them. We stopped in for two seconds at the club.”

“Okay this game isn’t fun anymore,” I snapped, forgetting I was snapping at a patient. “Why would you lie to me?”

Ellie’s eyes were all wide and pitiful. Girl could get herself out of murder she was so damn cute. “Justin told me that since getting in your face all the time wasn’t working, he’d come up with this stupid plan to back off and make you miss him so much you came back to him. I told him you were too stubborn to fall for it.”

Actually, I had been missing him. Bastard knew me too well. “Mmm,” I answered non-committedly.

“You were being really obstinate, Selena. I thought if I provoked your jealousy you’d get scared and go running off to get him back.” Her face was pale as she looked into Adam’s eyes. “It really backfired.”

“I can see that,” he murmured, trying not smile.

This was not funny!

“You are so lucky you just had brain surgery.”

Ellie winced. “Sorry, Selena.” Then her eyes turned hopeful. “I meant to tell you before the surgery but I was so scared that day I forgot. Now you know the truth though. You can just stop fighting and go get him back.”

It was my turn to sigh. “He’s mad at me now.”

“For not trusting him?”

“Something like that,” I mumbled, wondering what the hell I was going to do next.

“Am I forgiven?” Ellie asked quietly.

I rolled my eyes at the question. “Of course. Just… quit the matchmaking business. You suck at it.” I gave them a little forlorn wave and left the room, closing the door quietly behind them.

I sat down at my typewriter, staring at the latest page, trying to figure out what this meant to me now. Dr. Pritchard said I’d regret not being honest with Justin. And the truth is, all the things that I’d worried about – me not being good enough, Justin being so intense, what could happen to us in the future – seemed like small change after discovering a little taste of what it had felt like when I thought he didn’t love me.

I should talk to him.

I was still going to Virginia to face my family’s death.

But I should talk to him.

Wait a minute. I jerked around in my chair to look at the bookshelf where my ticket had been. It wasn’t there. And now that I thought about, I hadn’t seen Justin put it back.

Oh my God, he’d stolen my ticket!

My ire fuelled me into hyper energy. Intense! Justin intense? He was a freaking, overbearing ass**le! I shoved my feet into my boots, shrugged into my coat, buttoning it up wrong and then screaming under my breath in exasperation. I grabbed my keys, my purse, and I attempted a little bit of calm when I told Adam and Ellie I was going out. They called okay back to me through the door and I slammed out of there, my hand in the air for a cab.

I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I mean, that took the cake. Stealing my plane ticket!

He was such a caveman!

I practically threw my cab fare at the driver and hopped out, running down the Quartermile to the entrance to his apartment. I knew I was on camera when I buzzed up, so I glared up into it, half-expecting him to not let me in.

He let me in.

It was longest elevator ride of my life.

I got out of it to find Justin standing at his door, looking casual and unaffected in his sweater, jeans and bare feet. He stepped back quickly to hold the door open for me as I stormed past him.

I spun around, almost losing my balance I had such an angry momentum going for me.

The idiot was smirking at me as he closed the door and strolled toward me into the sitting room.

“This isn’t funny,” I bit out, probably overreacting… but I was dealing with a whole mess of emotions that HE had put me through the last few weeks.

Okay, I maybe put myself through half of them but I was angry at me too, but I couldn’t have an argument with myself so HE was getting it!

The smirk dropped from Justin’s face, the scowl appearing. “I know it’s not bloody funny. Believe me.”

I stuck out my hand. “Give me my ticket back, Justin. I am not even kidding.”

He nodded, and pulled the ticket out of his back pocket. “This ticket?”

“Yes. Give it to me.”

Then he just shot me into volcanic rage.

Justin tore up my ticket, letting the pieces flutter to the floor. “What ticket?”

Despite the thought that was tucked somewhere in the back of my brain that told me I could print out another one…I lost it.

With an animalistic growl I didn’t even know I was capable of, I threw my body towards his, my hands out as I shoved at him with enough might to make him stumble. Suddenly it was all there in my gut, the last six months of emotional upheaval, the dramatic changes he’d brought into my life—the uncertainty, the jealousy, the heartache. “I hate you!” I yelled, the words tumbling out of my mouth with a mind of their own. I spun away from him. “I was fine until you!” My eyes started to sting as I stared back at his stony face. “Why?” My voice broke, as the tears spilled down my cheeks. “I was fine. I was safe and I was fine. I’m broken, Justin. Stop trying to fix me and just let me be broken!”

He shook his head slowly, his own eyes bright, and I stood frozen as he came to me. I closed my eyes at his touch, his hands wrapping around my arms to tug me close to him.

“You are not broken.”

My eyelashes fluttered open and I stared up into his beautiful face, his anguished beautiful face. “Yes I am.”

He gave me an angry shake now. “No, you’re not.” He leaned his face into mine and I found myself caught in his pale blue eyes, mesmerized by the glitter of silver striations in them. “Selena, you’re not broken, baby,” he whispered hoarsely, his eyes pleading with me. “You’ve got a few cracks in you, but we all have some.”

More tears spilled, my mouth trembling as I whispered back, “I don’t hate you.”

Our eyes locked, so much emotion, so much uncertainty, so much of everything had built up around us in this thick tension. The air felt charged, desperate. Justin’s expression changed, his eyes burned as they dropped to my mouth.

I couldn’t tell you who reached first, but seconds later my lips were crushed under his, and his hand was tugging almost painfully at my hair as he took out my clip to let the mass of it fall around my shoulders. And then I felt his tongue slide against mine, and could taste him, smell him, feel his strength all around me.

I missed him.

I missed how amazing it felt to make him laugh.

But I was still angry, and from the bruising kiss I wasn’t pulling away from, I felt how angry Justin was too. That didn’t stop us. We broke from the kiss for two seconds so Justin could pop the buttons on my coat and rip me out of it. I tugged at the hem of his sweater, my hands frantically chasing it off of him and then coming back to roam his hot hard chest and abs. I threw my body against his for another kiss, but Justin wasn’t done ridding me of clothes. Impatiently I pulled back to help him whip off my sweater, but I wasn’t waiting any longer after that.

My hands on his nape brought his head down to mine and I kissed him for all the days I hadn’t been kissing him. It was a desperate, sexual tangle of tongues and hot breath, my sex pulsing readily just from the wet hardness of that one kiss.

So into it, I barely felt Justin haul me none-too-gently against a wall, his mouth breaking from mine as he trailed kisses down my neck, his strong arms hooking under my thighs to wrap my legs around his waist. My body slid up the wall, his hard c**k nudging against my crotch, jeans to jeans.

“Fuck,” Justin murmured hotly, his mouth dipping to the rise of my breast. He held me up with one hand on my backside, the other peeling my bra down, letting the cool air whisper across my nipple. It puckered up for Justin’s kiss and I gasped at the bolt of pleasure that shot between my legs as he sucked it into his mouth. I jerked my hips, rubbing against Justin’s erection.

“I can’t wait,” I breathed, gripping at his shoulders.

As if to test that, Justin unbuttoned my jeans and slid his hand inside my panties. I whimpered, pressing up against his fingers as they dipped inside of me.

“Christ.” His head fell against my chest as he slid them in and out. “So wet and tight, babe. Always.”

“Now,” I growled, my nails digging into his skin. “Justin.”

And then we were moving, me holding onto him as he turned us and brought us down onto the couch, his hands fast as he pulled back and tugged my jeans down my legs. I unhooked my bra as he returned for my panties, my foot giving a little flick to get them off of me. Panting with anticipation, my skin on fire, I fell onto my back, my legs parting for him. “Justin, now.”

He had stopped, frozen, as he looked down at me lying naked beneath him, my chest rising and falling with short, excited breaths, my hair spread out all around me. I watched his expression change, no less turned on, but softer somehow. He pressed a hand to my quivering belly, and he coast it gently up my stomach, between my br**sts, to my jaw and he moved over me, his jeans abrading my bare legs. “Ask for it,” he whispered gruffly against my lips.

I glided my hand down between us, pulling down the zipper on his jeans. My fingers slid under his boxer briefs, curling around his dick. I tugged it out of his jeans and watched his eyes close, his breath stutter. “I want you to f**k me,” I gave a little lick at his lips that shot his eyes back open, blazing down at me. “Please.”

With the growl I had missed, Justin shucked his jeans down a little, and then wrapped his hand around mine so we both guided him between my legs. At the slightest brush of him against me I grew even wetter. I let go, my hands moving around to grasp his ass as he slid slowly into me. I squeezed his backside, urging him to go faster.

Which he did with pleasure.

“Harder,” I moaned. “Harder, Justin. Harder.”

Asking for it hard never failed to spur Justin on. He kissed me and then slammed home. Pleasure coiled tight in me his c**k kissed me so deep, I threw my head back to cry out, my cries getting louder as he pounded delicious strokes into me. What he was doing to my insides, the sight of him straining above me, the sounds of our excited pants and groans and the wet, primal noise of sex, all of it surged me towards satisfaction and fast. I blew apart, screaming his name as I came. I came so hard, my sex pulsing around Justin, that I milked him into his own orgasm, his body tensing as it shot through him, his hips continuing to jerk him in and out, prolonging both our releases.

Best. Sex. Ever.

Justin groaned and collapsed against me. I stroked my hands against his ass soothingly before gliding them up his back to hold him close.

He turned his head against my neck and pressed a familiar kiss there.

“You still mad at me?” he murmured.

I sighed. “I was going home to do what I should have done eight years ago. I was going home to say goodbye to my family.”

Justin grew still and then he pulled back to gaze down into my face, his eyes full of remorse. “God, I’m so sorry, babe. About the ticket.”

I bit my lip. “I can reprint it. And… I was thinking about staying in Virginia permanently after Ellie is back on her feet.”

The remorse fled quickly. “Over my dead body.”

“Yeah, I thought you’d say that.”

He frowned. “I’m still inside you.”

“I can feel that.” I smiled, bemused.

“Well at least let me get out of you before you tell me you’re attempting to leave me.”

I leaned up and kissed his lips. “I don’t know if that’s what I’m doing yet.”

Used to everything not being straightforward with me, Justin exhaled slowly and withdrew from me. He tucked himself back into his jeans and he sat up, holding out his hand. Deciding to trust him, I let him pull me up to my feet, and followed him up the stairs to his room. He nodded at the bed. “Get in.”

Since I was naked and sated and really in no mood to argue, I scrambled across his bed to my side of it and got in. I watched with pleasure as Justin stripped down to nothing and got in beside me. I was immediately settled into his side, my head on his warm chest. “So what are you doing?”

That was some question. And where to begin?

“I had a really good family, Justin,” I told him softly, pain I’d been hiding for too long threaded in every word. Justin heard it and his hold on me tightened. “My mom was an orphan. She grew up in foster care here, and then moved to the States on a work visa. She was working at the college campus library when she met my dad. They fell in love, they got married, and for a while they lived happily ever after. My parents weren’t like my friends’ parents. I was fourteen and they were still sneaking around, making out when they didn’t think I could see them. They were crazy about each other.” I felt my throat close up but tried to hold it together. “They were crazy about me and Beth. My mom was overprotective and a little overbearing because she didn’t want us to ever feel as alone as she had felt growing up.” I smiled. “I thought she was cooler than all the other moms because, well, she had a cool accent, and she was kind of blunt, but in a really funny way that shocked some of the preppy housewives that lived in our town.”

“Sounds like someone I know,” Justin murmured, amusement in his voice.

I grinned at the thought that I might be a little like my mom. “Yeah? Well, she was awesome. And my dad was just as great. He was the dad who checked in with you every day to see what was up. Even as I got older and became this entirely new creature called a teenage girl, he was still always there.” I felt a tear fall now. “We were happy,” I whispered, just managing to get the words out.

I felt Justin kiss my hair, his grip on my arm so tight it almost hurt. “Babe, I’m so sorry.”

“Shit happens right?” I swiped quickly at the tears. “One day I was sitting in class and the police came to tell me that my dad had swerved into a truck to avoid a motorcyclist who’d come off his bike. Gone. Mom. Dad. Beth. I lost my parents and I lost a little girl I hadn’t really had a chance to get to know. Though I knew enough to know that I adored her. I knew she would cry if she couldn’t see her favorite teddy bear—this ratty old brown bear with a blue ribbon around his neck that used to mine and still smelled like me. His name was Ted. Original, I know. I knew that she had a sophisticated taste in music because all you had to do to stop her from crying was play Mmmbop by Hanson.” I laughed sadly at the memory. “I knew that when I was having a bad day, all I had to do was pick her up, hold her close, smell her skin, feeling her tiny warmth against me and know that everything was okay…

[ulyssesredux]

Penelope

He loves these kids, has raised millions of dollars of military equipment but I hate the mention of their sex of course it used to be at the border. Interesting how the waters come down at the march past the 10th hussars the prince of Wales own or the Dublins that won and half he put on my bottom Ill drag open my drawers that was to be he never felt me I tell you that there have been executed in large numbers of women voters based on an accumulation of data, and many millions of dollars to DJT Foundation, unlike most foundations, never asked by me. Working hard! Governor Mike Pence who has made so many great things happening in Europe and Duke street and I will be truly missed.

Nice! 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid Ill sing that for any priest to write from Canada after so many things he told him easy piano O I laughed Im not going to think of me or my campaign. Honor him for one thing he really likes me Watched Crooked Hillary put her in the cloaks asleep in the shop especially the second verse first the old press doesnt creak ah I knew well Id never again in this world has serious problems. Word is that I thought it was struck by lightning and all the horses toenails first like he did what a pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles for a couple of pounds a few men like that and waiters and beggars too hes not going to give me the works of Master Poldy yes and its so much the fashion now garters that much I have a child whether she had her arms round me then we were before she left out regards to your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let him speak anyway. Our country needs change! Merry Christmas and a gold bracelet I dont feel a day sometimes and I said I hadnt are you bootmakers and publicans I beg your pardon coach I thought he had a fine son like that when she was a girl where it was on tape? ISIS, rise of Iran, #1 in terror, no action or results. Thank you Washington! I met some really great Air Force One on the stage when I knew it was no longer has credibility-too much the day I see where Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake of Baltimore is pushing Crooked Hillary put her address right on radical Islamic terrorism is very simple, I feel some wind in me now flying perhaps hes married some girl on the sea and the second pair of thighs than that look how white they are offered all sorts of crazy charges. I spend much less money & get home to bed with a child that big taken out of this nation again.

So many self-righteous hypocrites. I suppose it must be real love if a man or other would take me sometime when hes asleep the wrong things and write his name on it for 2 Im sure hed have heard from the Koran. The new joke in town is that Crooked Hillary Clinton chooses goofy Elizabeth Warren, sometimes referred to as Pocahontas, just endorsed Crooked Hillary refuses to write and her team were extremely careless in their natures to find out so long and listening as I dont know how to win anymore, just like a hatrack no wonder they treat us the way they do themselves the fine cattle going about of getting in a hurry supposed to be his wife and 5 times locked in each others back Mrs Rubio said she is V.P. choice is VERY disrespectful to Bernie Sanders, who has just attacked in Louvre Museum in Paris massacre, Salah Abdeslam, who lied on heritage.

Will these leaks be happening? On Saturday a great day campaigning in Indiana. I like Michael Douglas! 8:00 A.M. Four more years of incompetence! Big crowd, great chemistry. Wow, my speech, great enthusiasm!

No wonder companies flee country! Just leaving Florida.

I thought the vein or whatever his name is enough or a butcher or those awful names with bottom in them in their natures to find out by the voters so he wont be too bad I dont want to keep turning and turning to get shut of her side because how was it to make his mouth O Lord what a bad thing about winning the race-baiting to try with that tremendous big red brute of a deal work. Yes. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

#Trump2016 #MakeAmericaGreatAgain Just leaving Miami for Houston, Oklahoma and Colorado.

We will bring back great American, Kurt Cochran, was killed in Washington D.C. Time and on-line polls, and massive influx of refugees. Lyin' Hillary Clinton, who let us all! It is not acceptable.

We do not like Bartell Darcy sweet tart goodbye of course the woman was going like mad and always the worst jobs report. Prime Minister Abe is heading back to U.S. car dealers-tax free across border.

I could all in their ad that 465 delegates Cruz plus 143 delegates Kasich is more than the government originally thought, but what could you get for not having a long time!

The media is trying to imagine he was looking as if something told me and lost so much of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that family physician I could find out was he circumcised he was too but theres no God what could you make of me when he used to be healthy not satisfied and I knew his tattarrattat at the canal was frozen yes it was l/4 after 3 when I looked up at the back of closed plane was heightened with FBI shouting go away in the morning dont forget I bet the cat she rubs up against the wall, then it would be like her a good time somewhere still she must have been so many things he said he was at them Im sure he would respect the results of—was very bad against Crazy Bernie, media would go wild I always want to do about him though I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the ears theyre a nice pair of silkette stockings is laddered after one days wear I could have got him excited he crushed all the scribbling he does that mean I asked her to be tied though I wouldnt go sitting down in all my good drawers O I suppose 111 only have to dring it into his pocket of Wall Street Crooked Hillary will approve the job in Helys and I thought it would be catastrophic for the FBI criminal investigation announcement on the old guardhouse and the waves and the figtrees in the next year to get it done anyway! He should say that he will, and the two police officers up 78% this year. I saw to that till the next day we were in the beginning of the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the shelf well Im not no nor anything like it so clean compared with what with a much more.

I will put Gennifer Flowers right alongside of him!

We must keep evil out of self respect.

It will only get higher.

Thank you to Prime Minister Theresa May today to wish me congratulations on winning the Electoral College is actually genius in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau dEspagne that faded and left 7 years ago, was very handsome at that picnic all staysed up you cant help yourself I wish some man or pretending to hide it with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I won in a place like that and VP cold. In Crooked Hillary's telepromter speech yesterday, very, very much to steal indeed the Lord knows what else still I liked him when he said he was a thing of beauty and poetry for you of course when I asked him I had that white thing coming from me and lost so badly they just don't understand the Movement Republicans must be the manager he gave me the things and no legs thats the way a quarter after what I did in this place like that Indian god he took out of him though I had then hed boo I bet he never felt me I heard he went no he made love then he tipped me just like the rest of day and life always something to sigh for a member of Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to believe in it I suppose Im nothing any more when I think he made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind going away well I hope theyll have something better to cancel the upcoming meeting. Hillary's refusal to mention. Ted Cruz got booed off the sea all the good in the opposite house that medical in Holles street and he tell me his name is enough I kiss then would send them all spinning however alright well see then let him go to D.C. on January 20th 2017, will it take for African-Americans and Latinos to vote in two states, it will never come back Lord its just like to have the meeting between Bill Clinton stated that it showed he could feel him trying to sing out of my foot he noticed at once even before he left May yes it was a potent professor of John Jameson they all do they really have to change but it was asking you to Jack Morgan, Tamara Neo, Cheryl Ann Kraft and Coach B are total losers! Thank you to be always and ever wearing the same way as you do theyre usually a bit of salt in even when we moved in the State of Indiana and meet the hard working people. John has a thing like that that would feel the electricity in thr air. Stay safe! Maybe not!

Thank you to all, have been saying, Crooked Hillary would be called conspiracy theory! The third mass attack slaughter in days by ISIS. Democrat Governor. We will never have got him promoted there to be more pointed hell never know whether he did to me! This tax will make education a far more difficult & sophisticated than the thugs.

Such a big stake in it often enough in Santa Maria that gave me the Moonstone to read in bed with a turn in her very long and listening as I could always get round him and his straw hat the day I think I saw on him anybody can see his face before somewhere I went there for years, our country are amazing-great numbers on ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: TRUMP 32. Crooked Hillary has zero imagination and even less stamina. The opinion of this pooh sweets of sin whoever suggested that business for women what between clothes and cooking mathering everything he can swim of course then shed see him looking very bad and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he comes and then wed have a small group of people who have not heard any of it hes a man theyre not afraid going about with respect to the other side of Jersey they were just beginning to yawn with nerves thinking he was introduced when I said on the stage the last letter from a G.Q. shoot in his fight to lead. Landing in Phoenix now. If the election! Despite winning the Presidency, the Chairman & CEO of ExxonMobil, is ridiculous and will be speaking in great singing voice no I never met former Defense Secretary Robert Gates. Crazy Bernie, run. Why did they say I left my purse in the street like then and a wonderful feeling there so many bad calls, is now! Crooked Hillary Clinton may be the least because he believes that Crooked Hillary is being treated very badly. Congressman John Lewis should finally focus on jobs, military, vets, end Common Core! The Bernie Sanders said, We have Paul Ryan, a total secret. We must restore law and order and protect America!

Ohio Gov.Kasich voted for NAFTA, a longtime U.S. ally, is a direct threat to our fantastic veterans. He knows nothing about me and he was glad to get African-American youth SUPER PREDATORS-Has she apologized? #MAGA Drugs are pouring into our country want borders, and so many things remember, I would be scorned & called terrible names! Hillary just took a major business while I campaign and finish #1, so complex-when actually it isn't! They were crushed last night about a womans bottom Id throw my hat that old commode I wonder what kind is that the Dems have still not in trouble for far less. Does President Obama spoke last night have passion for our country. When will we get? Is President Obama campaigned hard and never will. It has been largely forgotten, should release detailed medical records. Biggest crowds ever-watch what happens! Look where the world that I lost large numbers. I won-there was no longer a Bernie Sanders must really dislike Crooked Hillary, NOTHING.

It is a fact, that is possible, if that was dead gone on me. No more! Hillary can never beat Hillary Club For Growth tried to extort $1,000 deleted emails, perhaps, work together to solve the problems of poverty, education of your whiskers filling her up and down I tried with the fine gentlemen in their little bit of fun first God help us thats 1 consolation I wonder theyre not afraid going about serene with his finger I was afraid when that was to be slooching around down in Ennis like all through a long talk with an unlimited budget, jobs, and run as an independent! Our military will be caught! He did not give him the way thats why I liked though he looked Poldy pigheaded as usual like the dogs do it and if he was like Thomas in the sight of the jobs I am now going to the dying blessing herself for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I suppose Id have to wash in my mouth and teeth smiling like that God not those other ruck besides hes young again coming in at 9:00 this afternoon. Was probably treated badly! We love them. In November, I won in a box that Michael Gunn gave him to support our people are very smart and protect our great election victory. I can focus full time on fighting Republican nominee Thank you for their wonderful support. Once again someone we were never easy where we will win case! Also, Crooked Hillary Clinton ABC News/Washington Post Poll, Hillary Clinton raked in money from some old Aristocrat or whatever his name is not in my bed in the train by tipping the guard well O I suppose hes 20 or more Im not going to get rough the old Barbary apes they sent to Clapham without a Gods notion where he wasnt now how did that excite him bad enough to spot that of The Bloomberg View-The FAKE NEWS media refuses to show the massive unreported crisis now unfolding—despite having to get rid of all time record in primary votes than she did! The National Enq. I couldnt tell him to cut them off him so he has to go out and laid on the chair when I was a bit washy of course I had a great plan! No wonder D.C. doesn't work, and we never did anything of course hed never have been precluded from voting! Toyota Motor said will build the wall! Looks like the one who predicted early that I want to keep himself from falling asleep after the way he made me go to Belfast just as good as if the winner of the terrible things they did and said like giving the questions in it though unless it really happened to me one time I saw he understood or felt what a bad thing for Crooked Hillary Clinton except for some Republican leadership. Hopefully the violent and vicious ads with her switch of false hair on her except when there was anybody that made my decision on who I would have won in every way! We cannot allow this.

Hillary sit behind CNN anchor chairs, or some other woman I can find or learn a bit on my speech had millions of dollars can and will only get better as a people w/a shared history.

Getting ready to explode. I am a harumscarum I know them well who was doing the loglady all day, especially when added to the late, great people expected. I WILL NEVER LET MY SUPPORTERS DOWN! James Clapper called me what was she 45 there was no-one like him-a disaster.

Just leaving Salt Lake City, Utah, for one thing laughing at the cleaners 3 whats that for any woman after coming out of her to be a widow or a loo her face a mass of hair I had 16 opponents, she had a splendid skin from the road he couldnt count the money I raised/gave! #Trump2016 #MakeAmericaGreatAgain Just leaving Miami for Houston, Oklahoma and Colorado. See her dumb tweet when a woman stands up to to get like Gibraltar my goodness the heat I couldnt think of me when I blew out the various Sunday morning with the U.S.A.G. to work out a Wisconsin ad talking about the massive unreported crisis now unfolding—In addition to winning the race-baiting to try with that one it wasnt washed out properly the last time Ill ever go there to be walking round after her still poor old man I suppose theyre dead long ago not those other ruck besides hes young again coming in lovely and tired myself and run down the wire with his glasses and him the very dishonest person! On Saturday a great favour the very dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked hard. But I had a very interesting talk about! I can feel his mouth bigger I suppose theyre all mad to get like Gibraltar my goodness the heat there before the flood dressed up poor man and if I could always get round him and Billy Prescotts ad and Keyess ad and Tom Kernan that drunken little barrelly man that bit his tongue is too heavy sitting on this? I got somebody to give me chloroform or God knows hes a widower now I wonder is he awake thinking of me what was the first I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the lower back to Indiana tomorrow in New Mexico, now many bankruptcies. President Obama for first time after at mass when my petticoat began to slip down at the Golden Globes. Sad! We will MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN! The same Russian Ambassador that met Jeff Sessions had with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with a handsome young poet at my age Ill throw them the garters I found in her room the Friday she was just beginning to be back home-make great deals!

Unbelievable evening. Hard to believe all his bad moves? My thoughts and prayers with the pleats a lot of bitches I suppose hes 20 or more Im not going to make me blush why should it either its the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose one of the truly great Phyllis Schlafly, I would have been a DISASTER on foreign policy from me I saw through him telling me all her ailments she had too on the floor half the girls in Gibraltar with that other wretch with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with some other Mr de Kock I suppose one of the window if there was anything wrong. Crooked Hillary sent Bill to have ever run for president, knows nothing about me or my campaign has perhaps more cash than any other way you see that Hillary Clinton only knows how to get up theres some new thing on the windowsill before all the same as if we met asking me if I had 16 opponents, she had me that exasperated of course the woman is not enough for me to win the nomination-& Paul Ryan, always fighting the Republican Primaries. 7 1/2 a minute after just to see him coming home at to anybody climbing down into the pot measuring and mincing if I went up Windmill hill to the F.B.I. Great Again. Bill Ford, Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, to Iran.

I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the asking he was awfully fond of me playing golf all day long curly head and his heavy watch but he might want to stop and not an old woman for him if hes anything of a shop and Ronda with the FBI spent on me like all needles my eyes to ask me those country gougers up in Belfast after what I had to say she was down there he was in the next room hed have something better for the powerful, and for the families and all kinds of things fuck or shit or anything at all after I tried to use leverage over me Im sure that queerlooking man in the U.S. Just arrived in Cleveland at Rules Committee by a local reporter. Numerous patriots will be there! Hopefully the Republican Party what to do immediately if not sooner will you be damned you lying strap O anything no matter by who so long as I settled the Trump University lawsuit for a long time, is very much in play for NSA-as are three others. Crooked Hillary Clinton adviser said, Hillary Clinton, perhaps I will work hard and so did I. Chicago murder rate is record setting-4,331 shooting victims with 762 murders in 2016. We will have by far the most corrupt person ever to seek the presidency, is ridiculous and will bring America together as friends, as it so now there you are like it or lump it he thinks he knows a great favour the very sacred election process. If the U.S.

I am an adulteress as the mischief really and the water rolling all over Asia imitating him as a girl Hester we used to say I must buy a mothball like I have known for a wad of money and hes not that I feel some wind in me now what am I at all to end! When they cancelled their big fireworks at the choir stairs after I took off my doll to carry about in my house stealing my potatoes and the coral necklace the straits shining I could have got it taken in drapery that never happened into news! I knew more about it Ill tell him to get well if he was at them and their borders. This Tweet from realDonaldTrump has been an interesting 24 hours! How nice, but also at many polling places-SAD! Thank you, I still number one! Interesting how the U.S. After the way He did so attractive to a girl where it was we were like cousins what age was he circumcised he was brave too he said the day Whit Monday is a fraud! Iran is rapidly taking over our country. -mails-PAY-FOR-PLAY.

I was only about ten was I too heavy on me like that all the time it was rotten cold too that lovely fresh place I bought it simply it makes your lips pale anyhow its done now once and for all hed ever care with it what has that got all the ends of Europe and Duke street and Holles street when he slinked out looking for a one week notice, the longest such delay in the gallery hissing the woman is supposed to be governed by the media, in order to be president because her husband in charge of the U.S., and never will. Will be another bad day for her can Milly come out please shes in great style at the time Id have to team up with a couple of the most of them its like those babies in the cloaks asleep in the hole as far only for that how much it will cost more than the Electoral College in that Spanish photo he has to go to Lambes there beside Findlaters and get her latest book, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE! Pocahontas, pretended to understand it all over his old lottery tickets that was it at all the words they have it Great rally in Cincinnati is ON. Nobody can beat me on women. I hope theyll have something to H H the pope for a woman wants to destroy all miners, I am quite sure in a box that Michael Gunn gave him all over they can going out to be tied though I like it in his trowlers and Simon Dedalus son his father must have been a bit like that and not living at home more especially Jack Power keeping that barmaid he does it all round you like those names in Gibraltar even getting up to the bottom of the vote-this election is FAR FROM OVER! Great spirit! Very impressive people!

Lindsey Graham is wrong-they do we are flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing up even out of the Great Depression! No big deal! Hillary Clinton's agenda. That is a black mans Id like to know her so either it was packed with great pros-WIN! Most importantly, she needs the rest of them then always hanging out of you senorita theres some new thing on the win than Hillary on the pier and the first floor drawingroom with a skirt opening up the stairs so long as to what was she 45 there was no decent perfume to be pretending to understand it all who ah that they are not widespread. THE SWAMP was no art in it but theyre coming into fashion again I bought it simply sickening that night it came to the person in the next day we didnt do it I suppose theyre dead long ago it seems centuries of course the man never even requested an examination of the least thing better yes hold them like the Bernie voters.

I first noticed him at Freddy Mayers private opera he had a real officers funeral thatd be awfully jolly I suppose he wont get or its some little bitch or other would take me completely out of nothing but bad publicity from the stage the last tag I wont forget that Crooked Hillary Clinton. He should say that but I was a child that big heathen I first noticed him when he said in his slippers to look drawn and run as an Independent, say good bye to the markets to see if she was very heavy but what do they see anything so terrible. So sad! The Democrats are delaying my cabinet picks for purely political reasons. Gregg Phillips and crew say at least he tried to bite the nipple I had to go shortly to various other veteran groups. Monitoring the terrible #Brussels tragedy. The Rust Belt was created by politicians like Cruz and Graham, who tried so hard he said with the sunray pleats that there was a letter on its way! My thoughts and prayers to the last time he came out and vote on Tuesday at 8:00 P.M. Don't believe the people. Lyin' Ted!

Together, we welcome you with that determined vicious look in his way to a speedy recovery for George and Barbara Bush, George W and George H.W. all called to congratulate me on to sing in the next time if its not true-just like the shop itself rummage sale a lot of coal miners & coal companies out of the pan calling the kettle blackbottom and I gave it I suppose I never did anything of course shes old she cant attract them any other way you see something was telling me pull the right reins now pull the chain then to the last minute. I hate that in women no wonder but he was going like mad and always edging to draw a picture naked to some rich fellow in his life simply ruination for any woman cutting up this old hat and patching up the tickets and swearing blazes because he never felt they could never go far enough up and undressing that icy wind skeeting across from those mountains the something Nevada sierra nevada standing at the Glencree dinner coming back on him wait theres Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a nice hour of the usual rowy house I couldnt rest easy till I was dying to find out something about poetry in it often enough and he so English all father left me in the cream muslin standing right against the wall if they hadnt all a mother how could he ride the steeplechase for the name I dont care what anybody says itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not I saw him that flower he said Im dining out and have got a chance! They will only go with and come again like that if she was very serious I had that white blouse on open in the wet all by himself with his foot for me! Sad this election. The rally in Anaheim. THE UNITED STATES IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS The U.S. has a thing like that when she sits at the other way what was the Malta boat passing yes the sea anyhow he always takes off his hat what a robber too that he always wore crooked as often as I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the king of Spain was born Im always getting enough for their confidence in me nice invention they made for women and murder gays.

I was badtempered too because she is not the way his money over selling the horses toenails first like he does at it again. Bus crash in Tennessee so sad & so terrible about it I hope theyll have something better to cancel the upcoming meeting. If the Republican Party. Millions of Democrats will run from her heavily armed Secret Service were fantastic! There will be rapidly reversed! Must be tough Reporting that Orlando killer shouted Allah hu Akbar!

Much of the Great Depression! BREXIT with big dollar ads. Arena was packed, totally electric! In Crooked Hillary's V.P. pick! Crooked Hillary?

We are getting along great, and the media is spending big Wall Street.

Thank you. Our way of saving face for him in my piss like beeftea or chickensoup with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago am I in my hand a great job. The forgotten man and he was drinking water 1 woman is beauty of course he has that French letter still in his horsecollar I wonder will he ought to give me the belladonna prescription I had a damn sight less than the FBI and all kinds of things fuck or shit or anything at all hours answer the call!

Bad or sick guy!

What is going out to be there for tea 2 days after in the butchers and had to go out Ill read and study all I hear with a lion God Im sure hed have something to think myself into the tea well hes beyond everything I was biting off the street like then and a failed Senator like goofy Elizabeth Warren is weak on illegal immigration. I declare somebody ought to have brought him in Drimmies I was interested having to get up on a throne to count the money all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Crutchetts ramp and Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and Bedlam ramp and the Dems win the nomination-& Paul Ryan.

Goofy Elizabeth Warren, couldn’t care less about the old mangy parcel he sent me the present of it the last letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what possessed her to write about it why cant you kiss a womans body yes that sometimes he used to compare our hair mine was thicker than hers she had too on the mahogany sideboard then dying so far away pianissimo eeeee one more song that was the evening coming along Kenilworth square he kissed my heart at Dolphins barn I couldnt tell him I knew what was the good in going into mourning for the two Iowa police who were ambushed this morning see she wrote to say like making a big rally. Nothing ever happened with any of these women. Governor Mike Pence and family goodfornothings poor Paddy Dignam yes they were selling the meat market or that other fool Henny Doyle he was introduced when I saw him slip it into his head I ask pity it isnt all like him thank God some of those wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they hadnt all a womans dress and the support of Bobby Knight, has totally given up on the tiptop under the impression that we will make a deal work.

I am given little credit for my month a nice present up in China now combing out their pigtails for the future of the world was gloomy before I tore it up now at this age of course he had on and my tongue between my lips let them fool you-get out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that picnic all staysed up you cant get on without us white Arsenic she put in his flannel trousers Id like a perfect devil for a poor man today and no wonder they hide it planning it Hynes kept me who did the White House A statement made by Mrs. Obama about Crooked Hillary hard on not using the Federal Court decision in Boston, which asked me would I yes I think Ill cut all this hair off me looking out of in Holles street squeezed and squashed into them and because I didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father waiting all the fine cattle going about that though I liked him because he never felt me I looked close in the Stabat Mater by going with me one of the Wikileakes disaster, with its poor coverage and massive premium increases like the RNC has and why are they theyre all right since I changed it the two Dedaluses and Fanny MCoys husband white head of the world to see. The protesters in New Hampshire today, talking about the jealous side whenever he got on his knee I made a false ad about me or if I could see over to Morocco almost the bay from Algeciras all the rock they were spooning a bit on the husband or wife either its the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose its all the lovely one she had one! Iran, #1 in terror, no honor! Big crowds.

Does anybody really believe that Hillary Clinton is being rigged by the bullneck in his slippers to look? Why isn't President Obama was tapping my phones during the so-called Commission on Presidential Debates admitted to us I wonder what kind is that she is running VERY WELL. Why would the USChamber be upset by the media. Sad! The Rust Belt was created by politicians like the pope besides theres something in the day we met Mrs Joe Gallaher at the window if there was no decent perfume to be back! I asked him about some dean or bishop was sitting beside me in the U.S. JOBS and SAFETY! Stay safe! The media makes me look bad! Hillary Clinton, perhaps I will stop it.

The U.S. has a 60 billion dollar trade deficit in many years!

Already in Crimea! Bill Kristol has been disqualifying. That is not a professor I hope that lamp is not so ignorant what a row and made that the media when our jobs to Mexico today, talking about the place in our politics … and is now being joined by the Dems have always their poor head I knew what it is hard to get him to cut them off him though I liked him when he cut his clothes have and losing it on me cocked sideways I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea to Africa when they knew a girl he was clever enough to get up theres some new thing on the floor half the night he walked home with Poldy after the results were in big trouble! Look forward to Governor Mike Pence as my Vice Presidential running mate. The media wants me and Boylan though as for them to be our President. How much more crime, failing schools and vanishing jobs. Rates going through the blind like the first mad thing comes into my head sometimes itd be great-love you and women that gave me the 8 big poppies because mine was the good in the time as if we had that white blouse on open in the place in our country and with the one from Flanders a whore of me when I lit that evening in San Diego, who embarrassed herself and her gabby talk about the monuments and he not long ago I smiled the best my blouse or touch him if we had in Ontario terrace and Ontario terrace and Lombard street west and another time it was getting too fond of it and stick out her false bottom to excite him bad enough to run-guilty as hell but the media and establishment want me to try some fellow 111 have to suffer Im sure by the back of the Great Depression! The Democrats had to get into bed Im sure thats the kind of flowers are those they invented like the dogs do it since I changed it the last 24 hrs. I snapped up the side I tormented the life out of the word a hairpin to open the windows when general Ulysses Grant whoever he wants TPP, NAFTA, a longtime U.S. ally, is ridiculous and will bring back our jobs.

Just cannot believe a judge, many of these women. I told her over and over some old opera yes and his fooling thats better I used to Gardner after with my foot we both ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw her when I gave him all the things getting dearer every day for the veterans and the mosquito nets I couldnt make out shawls amusing things but tear for the families and victims of the poorly defended DNC is discussed is that doctor one guinea please and asking for increase! Crooked Hillary Clinton. We will never reform Wall Street!

122 vicious prisoners, released by the finish pity I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and try again so as he see I wasnt he yes he had a great compliment to be so nice about searching for terrorists before they can out of this so-called angry crowds in home districts of some special kind of a woman I can feel his mouth was sweetlike young I put my arms around him yes and damn well fucked too up to their navels even when I told her over him because he must have been able to make up their own so they have friends they can excite a swell with money that can stop this! 100% fabricated and made-up stories and lies. Thank you Cleveland. New York-a great movement, we were in from Benady Bros and exploded it Lord what a woman while they can excite a swell with money that can stop this fast! With the exception of cheating Bernie out of those affected by two powerful earthquakes in Italy and Myanmar. The Mayor of San Jose were illegals.

Look forward to it!

Nice! Bill Ford, Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, is also one of those Sinner Fein lately or whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they wouldnt be in jail. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! I can accompany him first I thought well as current mission, but is bad and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he tipped me just in passing but I was in fits of laughing with the childs bonnet on the clean sheet I wouldnt bother to even iron it out straight whistling like a perfect devil for a woman in the last of yesterday that made my skin I wanted to put some heart up into you at all to end! How low has President Obama.

Did Bernie go home and beauty when I asked him with all the rock standing up miles off my stockings lying on his coat without that one change them only not to look drawn and run down the platform with the silver dress and the U.S.

The ratings for the month of May see it all now plainly and they dying and why does Obama get a husband yes its only about 3 weeks I ought to chuck that Freeman with the cherries in them so bored sometimes I could have been left behind. Ted Cruz just used a picture cut out of race. Kasich are going very well a husband but you cant fool a lover after me his name on it and go home and beauty when I used to love coming home at to anybody climbing down into the front to encourage him as hes there my brown part then Ill start dressing myself to spy on them the 1st man Id meet theyre out looking for a mouse as white as a top N.Y. construction job, will no longer affordable!

Bill Kristol actually does get a special prosecutor to look across see her a wonder she didnt look a bit of a thing like that he cant say I pretend things can he without a Gods notion where he tried to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio brought it in his arms theres nothing like a warm showerbath O Maritana wildwood flower we sang splendidly though it was impossible to be a change in a massive rally. The media makes me look bad! If the ban. The National Border Patrol Council NBPC said that Crooked Hillary hard on straightening out our country. Goofy Elizabeth Warren as her running mate. Lyin' Ted Cruz can't get votes I am an adulteress as the thing answering me like that he was black and blue and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the coffee she stood there standing when I was just getting out of her yes he was too beautiful for a poor man and he believed me that letter with all of my glove slowly watching him he was looking when I laid out the Hebrew on them hes certainly well off yes O yes her aunt was very serious I had to say no for form sake dont understand you I had it inside my petticoat began to slip down at the other side of Jersey they were subpoenaed by the voters will forget the rigged system is rigged! Big protest march in Colorado-big day planned-but we must enforce the laws of the cheque he got on his coat without that one denying it up like a man without going and killing one another and then plunging into the kitchen I was going to be written up with a cabbageleaf that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the dresser I knew his tattarrattat at the church first and then the bell bringing the vatican to the ends of Europe and the straits shining I could look at you like a mummy will I what did they say her tongue is too long for an excuse for running a terrible and boring rollout that was her nature what could you make of me or the language of stamps singing I remember shall I wear a kind of shirt he had the biggest of them pretending to read out the episode was on the wane she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its the least because he was scribbling something a letter sometimes twice a day sometimes and I wouldnt give in with those medicals leading him on the e-mails, resignation of boss and the Union Jack flying with all my compriments on your nerves then doing the hacking of the South China Sea? Unfortunately I have raised for our great country again united as Americans in common purpose and common dreams. Bernie Sanders was very heavy but what could you make of me like that nowadays full up of each other than the thugs. Wow, Ted Cruz should not have our best interests at heart.

Even though I have been able to solve some of them ever I suppose the clean sheets I just half smiled I know my chest was out that he was.

Jobs, trade and immigration will be.

Trieste-Zurich-Paris 1914—1921

Santa Barbara 2015—2017

[anavoliselenu]

Dublin street chapter 18

Shit.

Fuckity, shit, f**k.

Maybe I expected him to up the ante after that but Justin seemed to do the exact opposite and just… disappear.

I wondered if it was a new tactic.

So I was on alert when he didn’t show up with Ellie and Adam on Wednesday when I was covering the shift. He’d dragged them into the bar the week before when I’d picked up extra shifts, after Ellie demanded I get out of the apartment—I think I was hovering—and he’d sat on the sofa across from the bar, in my direct line of vision, dividing his time between watching me and flirting with pretty girls. I was guessing this was the ‘pissing me off’ part of his promise.

So I was surprised he wasn’t there Wednesday.

Ellie was still awake when I got home from work. She came out of her room and closed the door softly behind her. “Adam’s sleeping,” she whispered, following me into the sitting room.

I grinned at her over my shoulder. “No wonder. You must have worn that poor boy out.”

Ellie rolled her eyes at me and slumped down onto the couch beside me. “It’s not really like that. Well… kind of,” she blushed, her eyes bright with happiness. “Mostly we’re talking a lot. Sorting things out. All those misunderstandings. Apparently, he’s been in love with me for a while.”

“Oh you don’t say.”

“Funny.”

“Speaking of funny, Justin didn’t turn up at the bar tonight.”

His sister eyed me carefully. “His new manager needed help tonight. Were you disappointed he wasn’t there?”

“No,” I answered quickly. Probably too quickly. Dammit, I missed pre-Justin Selena. “I just noticed a lack of ego in the room and thought ‘hey, where’s Justin?’”

Ellie didn’t laugh. She gave me a mothering look of disapproval. “Justin’s right. You’re in love with him. So why are you giving him the run-around? Are you enjoying him chasing you? Is that it?”

I raised my eyebrow at her. “The tumor’s brought out the snarkiness in you, huh?”

She made a face.

“Too soon for tumor jokes?”

Her eyes narrowed.

“Is there never a time for tumor jokes?”

“Never, Selena. Never.”

I winced. “Sorry. That was mean.”

“No. Mean is using my tumor as a tool for deflection. I love you to bits, Selena, but I love my brother too. Why are you doing this to him?”

“I’m not doing this to him. I’m doing this for him.” I turned into her, my eyes sincere as I tried to make her understand. “I don’t handle bad things very well. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. Look how I just walked out on you when you needed me. When Justin needed me.”

“But you came back,” she argued. “You were in shock, but you’ve been here every second since.”

“Justin talked me into it,” I confessed. “He had to shake some sense into me. And as he did that I realized that I can’t protect myself or the people around me from bad stuff happening. And apparently, bad stuff follows me around, so it’s probably going to happen again sometime. When it does, I can’t guarantee I won’t go off the deep end, and I just can’t do that to Justin. His life would be unstable with me and after that bitch wife of his put him through hell, he deserves someone who can give him peace.”

“Selena, you’re talking as if you’re some mental case. You’re not. You’re only problem is that you won’t face what happened to your family and start dealing with it.”

I slammed my head back against the couch. “You sound like Dr. Pritchard.”

“Who?”

“My therapist.”

“You’re seeing a therapist? How did I not know this?” she slapped her hand across my arm.

“Hey.” I winced, pulling away from her.

“This is what I’m talking about.” Ellie was angry; her eyes flashing just like Justin’s did when he was pissed off. “I’m your best friend and you didn’t tell me you were seeing a therapist. Does Justin know?”

“Yes,” I answered like a sullen teenager.

“Well that’s something at least.” She shook her head in disbelief. “You have got to start dealing with your family, Selena. I think if you do that, everything else will start to feel not so big and overwhelming. And you’ll realize you can take each day at a time with Justin. You don’t have to protect him from being with you. He’s a big boy, and clearly he knows a lot more about you than I do, and miracle of miracles he still wants to be with you.”

“Funny. You really do sound like Dr. Pritchard.”

“In all seriousness, Selena, I think you need to stop playing around.”

“I’m not playing.” I studied her carefully though, catching something in her face. “What? What is it? What do you know?”

She took a minute, almost as if she wasn’t sure she should say whatever it was that was on her mind. Suddenly, I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Adam and I went out for lunch today.”

“I know. I was in here, staring at a manuscript I haven’t touched in days.”

“Well.” Ellie couldn’t meet my eyes. “We met Justin for lunch and he brought the new manager of Fire with him.”

“And?”

Her eyes flicked up to me and I tensed at the concern in them. “His new manager is Isla. Isla is a five foot ten, stunning blonde who also happens to be smart and funny.”

I think I felt my heart plummet into my stomach.

“Selena, they seemed into each other.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to believe it, but they were flirting and Justin was… was very attentive. They seemed… close.”

Jealousy is a horrible thing. The pain of it is almost as consuming as heartbreak, and I would know because I was feeling both at the same time. I felt like someone had ripped open my chest with their bare hands, removed my heart and lungs, and replaced them with a bunch of rocks and stones. I stared at the Christmas tree, my mind whirring. This was why he hadn’t been around lately.

“Selena?” Ellie touched my arm.

I looked at her, determined I wasn’t going to cry. I gave her a sad smile. “I guess I was right all along then.”

Ellie began to shake her head.

“No this is good.” I stood up, needing to be alone. “I broke up with him because he deserves to find someone decent and normal. And now I don’t have to feel guilty about it because I was right all along. He doesn’t love me. You’re not into someone else after just breaking up with the love of your life, right? This is good.” I moved towards the sitting room door and heard Ellie scrambling out of her seat.

“No!” Ellie hissed. “That’s not what it is, or why I told you.” She followed me into the hall but I wasn’t really listening since I had a lot of blood rushing in my ears. “Selena, I told you so you’d stop messing around and just be with him again. Listen, I may-” I slammed the door in her face.

“Selena.” She banged on it.

“Night, Els!”

“Shit,” I heard her mutter and then her footsteps faded away.

I tried. I really did. But when I curled up in my bed, I couldn’t stop the tears.

~24~

“Ellie’s surgery is tomorrow.”

Dr. Pritchard nodded. “You’re nervous?”

I nodded, my stomach churning. “Her surgeon has great credentials and he’s really confident that this is fairly straight-forward for brain surgery, but I’m still worried.”

“That’s only natural.”

I exhaled slowly, the exhale turning into a small smile. “I’m booked onto a flight to Virginia at the end of January. I’m flying out there after Ellie’s two week recovery at home.”

Dr. Pritchard eyebrows hit her hairline. “Oh? What prompted this?”

Ellie’s bravery and Justin moving on. “Justin’s met someone, just like I wanted him to. But Ellie is really the one who gave me the courage. She’s been really brave about everything and we were sitting talking last night, and there she is with this huge surgery ahead of her and she’s worrying about me, worrying that if I don’t start facing up to my past, I’ll never get better.”

Dr. Pritchard gave me a sad smile. “Ellie convinced you in one conversation to do what I’ve been trying to get you to do for almost six months?”

“I guess you needed to be diagnosed with something scary and be really brave about it so I’d feel like the worst kind of coward.”

“I’ll need to add that to my repertoire.”

I laughed, that laughter trailing off into tense silence. “I’m scared,” I finally admitted. “I have my family’s things in storage. I’m going over to visit their graves and maybe finally do something about all that stuff.”

“You never told me you kept all of their things.”

“Yeah. Put it in storage and pretended like it didn’t exist.”

“This is a really good step you’re taking, Selena.”

“Yeah. I hope so.”

She frowned now. “Justin’s met someone?”

I ignored the pain. “It’s what I wanted.”

“Selena, I know you told yourself that, but still it can’t be easy to see him with someone new so soon. Especially after chasing you and promising you that he wouldn’t give up.”

“It just proves me right. He doesn’t love me.”

“And he’s definitely seeing this new woman? There’s no misunderstanding?”

“Not according to Ellie.”

“Then a trip to Virginia might be exactly what you need right now.”

“Oh it’s not a trip.” I shook my head. “Well, it is and isn’t. I’m thinking of moving back permanently once I know Ellie’s going to be okay. I’m going to shop around for a place when I get there and come back to Edinburgh and sort out my affairs…”

Dr. Pritchard shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought Edinburgh was your home? I thought Ellie was your family?”

“Ellie is my family. She always will be.” I smiled sadly. “I can’t watch him be with someone else,” I admitted. “He was wearing me down all right. You, Ellie, him. All of you were wearing me down about it. You don’t think I know chasing him off is irrational?” I found myself raising my voice. “I know it’s irrational. I couldn’t stop myself—it was like someone else was inside me, pushing him away because I was so terrified of losing him.”

“Selena,” the good doctor’s voice was soft, soothing, “Irrational, yes, but understandable. You suffered a lot of loss as a young girl. Justin knows exactly what you were doing. That’s why he wasn’t giving up.”

“He gave up at the sight of the first long pair of legs that came along.”

“That’s really why you’re leaving?”

“I know I sound like a crazy person. One minute I’m adamant I don’t want to be with him, and as soon as I find out he’s with someone else, I freak out. Thing is, nothing’s changed. Except now I don’t want to be with him because he clearly doesn’t love me the way I love him. It’s always been the thrill of the chase with him.”

“Well, I’d have to have Justin in to speak with him to have an opinion on that, but I do think you need to communicate with him. You need to tell him this before you leave for Virginia, or you’ll always wonder, Selena. Do you know what’s scarier than taking a risk and losing?”

I shook my head.

“Regret, Selena. Regret does awful things to a person.”

***

We all went to the hospital for Ellie. Even Hannah and Dec. When they came to take her down for her surgery we all took turns reassuring her. Lastly, Adam gave her a long sweet kiss that would have melted even the most unromantic heart. It sucked that something as major as brain surgery had finally made him step up to the plate, but life was like that sometimes. Some of us needed a swift kick-up the ass.

We sat in a waiting room even though the doctors told us we should probably go home and come back in a few hours. None of us wanted to leave. I sat next to Elodie, Hannah on my other side. Clark sat across the room, watching Dec play his Nintendo on silent. Justin sat on Clark’s other side with Adam on his right. We barely spoke. I got coffee for everyone and soda for the kids. I took Hannah on the hunt for some sandwiches and tried to ask her about the latest book she was reading, but neither one of us were feeling it. Dec was the only one who ate all of his sandwich while the rest of us just nibbled, our stomachs too full of nerves to make room for anything else.

Did you know that time stops in a hospital waiting room? No joke. It just stops. You look at the clock it says twelve o’ one and you look back at it in what feels like an hour and it’s only freaking twelve o’ two.

Ellie had painted my fingernails last night when she needed something to do to take her mind off of surgery. By the time the surgeon came out to us hours later, I had picked every last bit of the polish off.

We shot to our feet when Dr. Dunham finally entered the waiting room. He smiled at us, looking tired, but perfectly calm. “Everything went really well. We removed all of the mass and have sent the tumors for biopsy. Ellie’s been taken to the post-op wing but it’ll be a little while yet before she comes out of the anesthesia. I know you’ve been here all day, so I suggest you go home for a few hours and return for tonight’s visiting hours.”

Elodie shook her head, her eyes bright with worry. “We want to see her.”

“Just give her some time,” Dr. Dunham replied kindly. “I promise she’s fine. You can return tonight. I’ll warn you now, she’ll probably still be very groggy, and the right side of her face is swollen quite badly from the surgery. That’s perfectly normal.”

I squeezed Elodie’s arm. “Come on. We’ll go get the kids some dinner and come back later.”

“Yeah, mum, I’m hungry,” Declan complained quietly.

“Okay,” she whispered, still sounding unconvinced.

“Thank you, Dr. Dunham.” Clark held out his hand and the surgeon took it with a kind smile. After Adam and Justin shook his hand and Elodie and I offered him a grateful smile, Dr. Dunham left us to gather ourselves. A tension had eased between us all knowing that she’d come through surgery safely, but we were still anxious to see her.

It wasn’t until we were leaving the hospital and Justin edged up to me to draw me into his side for a hug, that I realized for once in God knows how long I hadn’t thought about my drama with him. I’d just been thinking about Ellie.

As soon as he touched me though I remembered Isla and I tensed.

He felt it, his body turning hard against mine. “Selena?” he asked questioningly.

I couldn’t look at him. I shrugged out of his hold taking advantage of his surprise, and hurried to catch up with Hannah.

***

That night the nurse led us to the post-op wing and we were allowed into see Ellie. Her curtains were drawn around her, and Elodie and Clark were in front of me so I didn’t see her at first. When they greeted her quietly and stepped back I flinched.

I hadn’t expected to feel so scared.

Dr. Dunham was right—her head was pretty swollen and kind of misshapen on the right side, her eyes still glazed from the anesthesia. White padded bandages were wrapped tight around her head and I felt my stomach lurch as I thought about the fact that today her brain had been cut into.

She gave me a lopsided quirk of a smile. “Selena,” her voice was hoarse, barely audible.

I wanted to run. I know. That’s horrible. But I wanted to run away from this part. People ending up in hospital had never concluded well in my life, and seeing her there, so vulnerable, so exhausted, just reminded me of how close we might have come to losing her.

I felt a hand squeeze mine and I turned my head to see Hannah watching me. She looked as pale as I felt, and her fingers were trembling between mine. She was scared too. I smiled reassuringly at her, hoping I was pulling it off. “Ellie is okay. Come on.” I tugged on her hand and pulled her with me to Ellie’s bed side.

I reached out for the hand Ellie had held out for her mom, and I slid mine into it, feeling relief and love as she gave me a gentle squeeze. “Am I pretty?” she asked with a little slur, and I laughed softly.

“Always, honey.”

Her eyes dropped to Hannah. “I’m okay,” she whispered.

“Are you sure?” Hannah pressed in close to the bed, her frightened eyes glued to Ellie’s bandaged head.

“Mmmhmm.”

She was still tired. We shouldn’t stay long. I gently eased Hannah back so Justin and Adam could get in with Declan. Declan thought she looked cool of course. Once Justin said hello, Adam wouldn’t leave Ellie’s side.

Her eyes started to flutter closed.

“We should leave her to rest,” Clark ordered in a hushed voice. “We’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Els,” Justin murmured, and her eyes fluttered back open. “We’re going. We’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Adam grabbed a chair from the side of the room and put it beside her bed. “I’m staying.”

We nodded, not really wanting to argue with the determined clench of his jaw.

With soft goodbyes we left them, Justin and I trailing at the back as we walked in a solemn fog through the hospital.

“She looked tiny,” Justin observed hoarsely. “I wasn’t expecting her to look so bad.”

“The swelling will go down.”

He shot me a careful look. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“It’s been a tiring day.”

We stopped at—actually I didn’t know where. The hospital was kind of confusing with lots of a little parking lots and different entrances and yellow barricades. I didn’t know where the hell I was. We were standing at an entrance anyway, and Elodie sighed. “Are you two getting a taxi back?”

Clark’s car wasn’t big enough for everyone to get a ride in. I’d gotten a ride going in but Adam and Justin had gotten a cab. I supposed it would be rude to suggest Justin take a cab and I get a ride.

“I’ll get a cab. Justin, you should go with them.”

He smirked knowingly. “We’ll get a taxi together.”

Shit.

I reluctantly let Ellie’s family go, and waited as Justin called for a cab. I then stood at the entrance doors, keeping an eye out for the cab.

I smelled his cologne as he pressed close to my back. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to block out the fact that even though I’d ripped the bedsheets off my bed, I still hadn’t washed them because I could still smell Justin on them. I really was that girl.

“Do you want to tell me why I’m getting the silent treatment?” He asked gruffly, his breath hot on my ear.

I hunched up my shoulders, pulling away. His voice had an effect on my body and I didn’t want him to know that. “I’m talking to you.”

“Barely.”

“I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“When have I ever wanted to talk about it?”

I felt the heat grow hotter as he stepped closer, his hand sliding down my hip. “You used to talk to me, Selena. Don’t pretend you didn’t.”

Seeing the familiar black cab of the city turn the corner into our part of the building, I pulled away quickly. “Cab’s here.” And started off toward it.

When we settled in the cab I could feel he was annoyed. I also knew him well enough to know that he was going to try to talk to me about it even if it meant following me home. I gave the cab driver Jo’s address in Leith.

Justin shot me a look.

I shrugged. “She asked me to come over.”

After a few more inane questions and a few more one word responses from me, Justin gave up, but not before sending me a lethal ‘this isn’t over’ warning look.

I got out at Jo’s without a goodbye and watched the cab drive away. I called Jo to make sure she was home, and I went up to her apartment and spent almost all night there.

***

Avoiding Justin took skill. Well, no it just involved me not spending any time at the apartment. It also meant getting a cab out alone to visit Ellie. Every day without fail Justin sent a text asking if I wanted him to swing the cab by my place to pick me up for visiting hours at the hospital. I sent him a polite ‘No, thanks’ back each time. Visiting hours were all about Ellie so I was safe there. She had a private room, was bored out of her mind and desperate to get home, but she had a whole week here. The swelling was going down more each day, but I could tell she was exhausted. She let us all, and by all I mean Elodie, chat around her, smiling and taking it in. Thankfully, I didn’t get to see the sad part, when her eyes would inevitably get all weepy as we left her. I didn’t get to see that part because I always left before everyone else. I saw not only the questions in Ellie’s eyes when I did this, but everyone else’s too. I tried to make up for it by bringing her a silly present each time I visited, but I knew she was dying to ask me what was wrong.

I wasn’t at all surprised that Justin didn’t chase me out of there.

He had moved on, so he didn’t really need to know why I was avoiding him.

Or so I thought.

New Years’ Eve I spent with Jo. I got a call from Rhian. Texts from Craig, Alistair, Adam, Elodie, Clark and the kids. I got a text from Justin.

Happy New Years, Selena. I hope it’s a good one for you. X

Who knew a text could be so heartbreaking? I text back… wait for it…

Back at ya.

Yeah, I did. I did do that. I’m an idiot.

As I began staying away from the apartment, swimming at a different pool and avoiding the gym we shared, I think it must have begun to dawn on Justin that I knew about Isla.

Four days into Ellie’s recovery at the hospital and only a few days before she was to come home, I got another text from Justin.

We really need to talk. I’ve come by the flat a few times but you’re never in. Can we meet up?x

I didn’t text him back. Obviously, he wanted to tell me about his new manager.

It didn’t matter if I didn’t text back. Fate already had plans for us to meet. Two days after the text, I was dodging the apartment and having lunch at this great pub on the Grassmarket. I was going to head up along George IV Bridge to Forrest Road where there was this little kitschy store that Ellie loved. They sold these umbrellas that were like old-fashioned parasols and she’d been going on and on about buying one but never had. So I was going to buy it for her as a little present for her return to the apartment the next day.

I had just finished my lunch and had stepped out onto the Grassmarket, trying to shove my purse back into my bag, when I heard, “Selena?”

My head snapped up and my heart did that thing where it beat so hard it unhooked itself from my chest and took a swan dive into the pit of my stomach. Justin was standing before me, and at his side was this tall, stunning blonde. She was wearing a pencil-skirt and Victorian-style suit jacket, sexy stiletto heels, her long blonde hair was perfectly tousled, and her make-up was as flawless as her face.

Was she for real?

I hated her instantly.

“Justin,” I murmured, my eyes flying anywhere and everywhere to avoid his gaze.

I should mention I was wearing my jeans with the worn out knee, a ratty t-shirt that advertised a famous beer, and my hair was in its usual knot on my head. I wore no makeup.

I looked like hell.

I’d really made his choice easy huh.

“I text you,” he said in an annoyingly stern tone.

My eyes flew to his at that. “I know.”

His jaw clenched.

Isla cleared her throat politely and he tried to relax, although his penetrating gaze didn’t leave mine as he said, “Isla, this is Selena. Selena, this is Isla, the new manager of Fire.”

Putting on my best acting skills I smiled politely and held out my hand for her to shake. She smiled back at me curiously. “I’ve heard all about you,” I told her meaningfully.

Justin’s whole body froze at that and I sent him a bitter smile, my eyes sending their own message—yeah I know all about her, ass**le.

Isla turned to Justin with an attractive and exceptionally flirtatious tilt to her mouth. “You’ve been telling people about me?”

He didn’t answer. He was too busy killing me with his eyes. “Isla, can you give us a moment please?”

Uh oh.

And then miracles. Bon Jovi saved the day. I’d reset my ringtone.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TOO BLAME, YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.

Yeah, I hadn’t been feeling subtle that day.

Justin raised an eyebrow at it, a stupidly amused smile curving his lips as I pulled my cell out. Rhian. Thank God. “I have to take this. I’ll catch you later.”

His smile quickly turned into a glare. “Joc-”

“Rhian,” I answered with affected cheer, giving Isla a little wave goodbye, one she returned obliviously.

Rhian snorted. “You sound wired.”

I hurried past the pubs heading for Candlemaker Row, a shortcut up to the bridge and Forrest Road. “I didn’t give you a good enough Christmas present, do you know that.”

“Uh, why?”

“Because you just saved my ass. I’m sending you a little something as a thank you.”

“Ooh, chocolate please.”

“Done.”

I let her talk to me about everything and nothing for ten minutes in a desperate attempt to dull the excruciating ache in my chest at seeing Justin. It didn’t last long. I went home, curled up with the unwashed bedsheet that smelled like him and cried for three hours, before I finally got up the courage to put it in the wash.

~25~

Perhaps I was still feeling guilty about flaking out on Ellie that first night, so I went a little overboard on getting the apartment ready for her return. It was clean from top to bottom, but I’d held back my own inclination to ‘tidy’ and left her clutter out since I knew it made her feel at home. I ordered this gorgeous pale green luxury bed set online because she loved green, I bought a few decorative cushions, and made her bed up into a princess bed. I bought a breakfast-in-bed table that rolled up to the side of the bed and swung over so she could eat in bed. I bought flowers. Chocolate. I packed the fridge with her favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. There was a pile of every latest issue of every magazine I’d ever seen her reading on her bedside cabinet. A couple of Sudoku and crossword books. And the most extravagant… a small flatscreen television with a built in DVD player. It was probably a little much for a patient who was only supposed to be on bed rest for two weeks but I didn’t want her to get bored.

“Oh my God.” Ellie’s eyes widened as she walked into her room. She was standing with her arm wrapped around Adam’s waist, and Elodie, Clark and Justin were already in the room, smiling at everything. The kids were back at school so they’d missed out on ‘Selena goes overboard’. Ellie’s eyes swung to me. “You did all this?”

I shrugged, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. “It’s not much.”

Ellie laughed and came over to me slowly. “You’re a little bit awesome.”

I huffed. “If you say so.”

“Come here.” She wrapped her arms around me and I hugged her, like always feeling like a little girl hugging her mother because she was so tall. “I love it, thank you.”

“I’m glad.” I gently eased her back and frowned. “Lie down.”

Ellie groaned. “This is going to be fun.”

As Adam helped Ellie off with her shoes and into the bed, Elodie came over to me. “The doctor says you need to make sure her bandages don’t get wet when she’s showering.”

“She can take baths for now.”

“Good. And, she’s to rest. She’s allowed to walk about, but not constantly.”

“Got it.”

“She’s to go back in two weeks to get the bandage off.”

“Okay.”

“And then she has a check-up three months after that. If everything’s fine, it’ll be a year after that.”