#dyn: nat x travis

[lingeringscars]

Nat and travis as the last ones to get back when Jackie's outside. Nat and travis as the last ones to get back when they're preparing to cremate jackie. Nat as the one to stay outside all night. Nat as the one to carry her bones, saying no to travis. Nat as the only one after shauna to say goodbye.

[lingeringscars]

Nats story is very linked to travis, and no matter what she is always going to have love for him. That love is mixed with grief and need, though, and they're never going to have a healthy relationship. They feel like they owe a debt to each other because of everything that they have been through with each other, and the sacrifices that have been made in the name of their love (namely, javi). They understand each other, and nat does feel connected to him in a way that she doesn't the rest of the team. She sees through some of that fragile, toxic exterior to the guy that is trying to be something he isn't. And she really, really loves the guy he is, but she can understand letting rage eat you inside. She can understand lashing out. She can understand feeling emotions so large that you feel like exploding. And she knows what it's like to feel like you don't belong and aren't wanted in your family and how you carry that even when you don't want to. She saw travis climb up the tree for his dad, and she knew this was someone that she would understand, and maybe more importantly and definitely scarier, someone who would also understand her.

[lingeringscars]

Nat begging travis to stay fucks me up so bad because it's almost like...nat gets shit on all the time and doesn't really ask for much. But she's asking travis to do something for her. She's putting herself in a vulnerable position. She's asking him not to leave.

[lingeringscars]

okay suddenly having a lot of feelings about travis & nat. i'm thinking about how nat thinks travis is the only person who ever understood her, ever got her, even the only one who really loved her, too. and that... we now know that nat was handed power because "the wilderness chose" and they couldn't kill her. we also know that...travis was the only one who tried to stop them from killing her At The Time. so of course she feels more comfortable with travis.

when travis puts her hand over his heart, it's not travis saying the wilderness chose you and i am bowing to you because of that (travis never believed in any of that stuff). it's travis saying i choose you, nat, because i know you and i love you. and she holds onto this for the entire time they are out there and every day after they return. she lost her purpose and she needed to cling to travis because of everything they did out there. but also because travis was the one person who saw her and chose her.

and so of course she fights for him. she believes that he'll honor his word to her. that they were in that together like they have been in everything together.

[lingeringscars]

Thought about how nat considers travis to be her only family and started crying how are u doing

[lingeringscars]

There's a large part of nat who wonders if she could have made it to travis in time if tai had just posted bail

[lingeringscars]

Nat, I know what it's like. The numbness, the the paranoia. Sometimes I look at the world around me and it's like all the light has just gone out of it. Maybe travis just couldn't stand to live like that anymore. And maybe you need to start trying to forgive him.

[lingeringscars]

Nat faking javis death to try to bring travis peace will never not make me sooo

[lingeringscars]

there is something very, very specific about the way shauna & nat understand each other. they've both done things that led to tragedy and because of that....things need to be worth it. shauna slept with jeff and jackie died over it (among other things). javi died in nat's place. shauna marries jeff because jackie dying needs to mean something so she'll mold herself into what jackie would have been. she doesn't get to move on. she stays right there where jackie is. nat and travis make a pact because javi dying has to be worth it. they keep falling back to each other because no one gets it like they do. travis asked for javi's help to save nat. javi screamed for nat's help to save him. nat let him die. that has to mean something. jackie dies and that has to be worth something.

they live while the people around them don't. they do the tasks no one wants, no one is grateful for, and they take the responsibility and the blame. they shoulder that shame. they get it.

do you still know how to do this?

she stared you in the eye and was going to pull the knife.