#earlier than i expected but here is the glorious statistic thank you for joining me in resurrection phade

[yostresswritinggirl]

I posted 1,959 times in 2022

1,797 posts created (92%)

162 posts reblogged (8%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@yostresswritinggirl

@venexus

@starfell-traveler

@mxthtea

@southssuns

I tagged 1,948 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#exile.goblet - 1,578 posts

#exile.reader - 267 posts

#anon - 250 posts

#cilly - 241 posts

#genshin impact - 230 posts

#exile.feather - 171 posts

#cyno lovebot anon - 138 posts

#cherry - 135 posts

#cyno - 113 posts

#heart!cyno - 110 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and they're okay with that because as an advocate of the columbina=seelie theory they are in an unhealthy love thatll never be reciprocated

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

𝑊𝑖𝑠𝑒 𝑀𝑒𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝐹𝑜𝑜𝑙𝑖𝑠ℎ 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒

Even the wisest of men are no strangers to the addicting feeling of love. A feeling no darshan can explain, an emotion that can make even geniuses such as them - crumble into irrationality, moronic actions unexplainable, acting like fools pining for love.

Sumeru Men Story Teasers : Cyno x Reader; Tighnari x Reader; Cyno x Reader x Alhaitham; all gender neutral

(Read: teasers for my WIPs that I'm too slow to work on)

+

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐎𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐬

He should have been stronger.

Cyno was no stranger to prejudice and judgment, but he had the greatest patience and the iron will to not be moved so easily. It came naturally as a desert dweller among the sea of Akademiya scholars, their side glances and hushed whispers in the dark.

The forest never took kindly to those born over the scorching sands, so when you came up to him with innocent excitement and unadulterated passion, he was unprepared by the strength of your heart.

Against his iron walls, they turned into sand dunes easily swept away. He was no stranger to prejudice and judgment, nor to temptations and vices, so easy to whisk him away in your presence so welcoming of him.

He should have been stronger.

He should have been strong enough to resist your warmth. To refuse you despite you accepting him wholeheartedly.

He should have been strong enough to refuse your reckless offer.

He should have been strong enough to keep you safe.

But Cyno is just as human as any other person in Sumeru, he was no iron wall. There in the depths of the ruins his wails echoed with raw emotion as he gripped your motionless body closer, growing colder against his chest.

He freely cried in desperation knowing there were no audience to his vulnerable state, only the constructs that caused both of you to bleed, and the remnants of a spirit you were deadset on knowing. The main reason the both of you had fallen into this place, and soon, the reason you fall.

"Please, someone," the desperation in his hoarse voice felt foreign even to himself. "Save them, please. Anything... I'll do anything, just save them."

Cyno swore to no religion or deity, but that day even a stranger would have owed his life if they were to save the one he loves. Was it a blessing or a curse for his prayer to be answered?

"Your heart is light, worthy to be a vessel." There is a weight on his shoulder and power behind him, stealing the air from his lungs in waiting tension. "I will give you the strength to save them, human, but from then on your heart will be weighed, judged until you are no longer worthy."

Cyno was a man that can't be moved easily in the face of danger and temptation.

Yet when his hand went to cradle your bloodied cheek, he knew from the very beginning that he would move the stars, the moon and the sun to keep your warmth alight and aflame. He seals his promise with a bloodied kiss.

And with a steeled gaze, he lifts his head with voice filled of pure devotion. "Anything."

You offered an inch, he's willing to sacrifice a mile in return.

+

Komorebi

See the full post

1,968 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

#4

"Don't do that." He wanted to come off as harsh. Yet instead of the usual sharpness of his voice, his words sounded pleading. Desperate and in pain. "Don't smile like that."

"Like what?" The corners of your mouth faltered in worry. And the corners of his eyes wrinkled, purple irises swirling with the kind of agony he told you he loathed feeling. Like you had driven a knife to his chest where his heart should be.

"Don't smile like you love me."

Don't make him feel anything again. You promised you wouldn't.

2,804 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

#3

What Do You Mean I'm The New Grand Sage?!

Alhaitham, Cyno, Tighnari, Kaveh x Grand Sage! Reader; separate, gender neutral

In some twisted turn of events, Lesser Lord Kusanali herself thought you are the best candidate for the position of the Akademiya's Grand Sage. From a Haravatat Researcher to soon running a whole region, how do you deal with this? And do the prodigal scholars approve of you?

'It's been weeks now and there's still no proper Grand Sage.'

'If it were me, I would have fired the two remaining sages, they might scheme as revenge.'

'How can we trust the choices of the next Grand Sage anyways? What if history repeats itself?'

Despite the House of Daena being respectfully quiet with only murmurs and mumbles from the surrounding entourage, these unspoken words taunt and occupy the mind of the Dendro Archon as she takes into account all the thoughts of her people regarding the matter.

All the candidates for the Grand Sage and other sage positions, as well as the exceptional figures of each darshan (some of which are familiar to her) crowd around the table where the Lesser Lord situated herself.

Unfortunately, based on Nahida's standards, none of them qualify for the position.

"Lesser Lord Kusanali?" Opening her eyes, Nahida tilts her head to the Scribe situated on a seat next to her, a quill unused in his hand. "Is something the matter?"

"Just deep in thought." Crossing her arms, the god of wisdom would hum to herself as she tapped her chin. "For example, what would the new Grand Sage do once they get appointed?" And with that, she closed her eyes again.

As expected, more thoughts filtered through her mind as the audience took the bait and began pondering on the provoking question in their minds.

'Just do what the past Grand Sage did? Minus the evil? This is easy.'

'As a Grand Sage, I would probably fire all the personnel, they can't be trusted.'

'Cultivate wisdom and govern Sumeru as best as possible, right?'

'With the Lesser Lord in power, probably just answer to what she wants.'

'Hm, to what extent did Azar mess up the system anyways? It would definitely be good to fix the things that he deliberately abused as soon as possible, right? The unnecessary laws, look into the international affair decisions he's done too, he might have signed contracts that would be damaging to Sumeru in the long run -'

A hit! But an unfamiliar voice. Opening her eyes, the god of wisdom looked around the area to look for the voice to match a face.

"Are you looking for something, Lord Kusanali?" Cyno straightened up on his stance by her side as he watched the archon stand on her seat. The action urged him to scan the area too, albeit for different reasons.

'Why am I thinking about this right now? I should really hurry home -'

"Over there!" The crowd parts like the sea as everyone in the area turned towards someone in researcher garb. Which looks to be... drenched in water. Looking up from wringing the sleeves of your robe, you finally notice all the attention on you.

"Ah! Sorry about the mess, I fell in the fountain in front of -"

"You shall be the new Grand Sage, (Y/N)."

The whole Akademiya seemed to have quieted down to the point that you could hear the individual droplets of water splatter from your hair on to the marble flooring of the House of Daena.

"Huh?"

And like catharsis, everyone exploded in exclamations of disbelief. Including you.

See the full post

3,144 notes - Posted November 19, 2022

#2

Chase the Mirage

pairing -> Cyno x Adventurer!Reader x Tighnari; poly

word count -> 2.4k+ words

themes -> fluff, established relationship, scenarios and headcanons

(masterlist) (next) Two Akademiya giants, infatuated and hooked to a simple adventurer from the Adventurer's Guild. Absurd as it may seem, for Cyno and Tighnari, their lover is simply lovable like that.

Cyno and Tighnari.

Two prominent names in the Akademiya and Sumeru as a whole, regarded almost in a legendary manner.

When gossipers so willing to waste time on talking about other people's lives speak about the two's romance divinations, they always guessed that they would either be with someone who has the same academic prestige or none at all.

It was only when facts surfaced did they realize that the former was accurate, if only for half of it, at least. Never would they have imagined that THAT person from the Adventurer's Guild, the one adventurer practically glued to the hip with how they frequently take on their commissions, would be romantically involved with - not one - but BOTH of them!

Scary Serious Cyno and Strict Tighnari, and in between is some insignificant, unremarkable, UNEDUCATE-

"I strongly advise you keep that mouth shut." The table of scholars shied away from the polearm embedded in the table in front of them.

"If not for my sharp ears, I would have thought you lot were talking about yourselves," a second voice spoke followed by a hand laying upon the shoulder of the gossiper, grip tightening after every emphasized word. "Insignificant. Unremarkable. Uneducated. Amurta scholars too? What a disappointing batch you are."

Ungloved hands came into view to retrieve the polearm with barely any difficulty, and those who dared raise their heads were swiftly met with a fiery glare, burning them like the sinners they are. Even if not on paper, they felt like they had to atone for something far greater than they anticipated.

"You're lucky that today's a vacation day." A pause. "Forget it, not even worth the joke, what you said was already laughable."

"No need, they've already made a fool of themselves anyways. Besides, we have places to be." And their footsteps echoed throughout the House of Daena as they left, catching the last bits of their conversation before the double doors shut close behind them.

"The joke I thought up in the moment was quite good though."

"I don't want to hear it."

It was true that they were lucky that day, a blessing to have survived, but the rest of the week was devastatingly horrible. Numerous matras catching their gazes, getting banned from Pardis Dhyai seminars that were already as exclusive as they can be; they were more on edge that week compared to the weeks they had an important exam on. And so from one word of mouth to the next, an unofficial rule became sacred.

No matter how absurd it may seem - Cyno, Tighnari, and your relationship, is no laughing matter.

And archons forbid if you were the one to overhear such things. Punishment is always guaranteed when your feelings are hurt.

About Their Worries:

Despite their trust in your capabilities, being an adventurer still puts you in a significant amount of danger no matter how seasoned you are with the craft. At the start, they would coax you to train your combat skills with them, even urging you to practice with their weapons - even if it's not your preferred armament.

There would be a clearing in the forest where you practice, usually with Collei when she feels that her bow skills are lacking. Tighnari and Cyno were content on watching or talking on the side in the beginning, letting you and Collei learn by yourselves, helping each other, etc.

But when you managed to somehow shoot yourself on the foot, none of them trusted you to be alone with a bow ever since.

At times when you do end up getting injured, they'll be doting as they are scolding, genuinely worried for you.

But despite being a simple human, you're also quick to dispel their worries, always rising up every time you fall and assuring them that it's not the end of the world.

There's a worry in their eyes that you can't quite place and they can't quite word, but no matter the doubts festering in their mind, you always find a way to make them smile with your own. "I guess I just used up all my luck by having two magnificent men as my boyfriends, I can't really complain!"

They'll shake their head in exasperation but with a fond smile on their face. On the rare occasions that things did get too dire, you just let them do their thing.

Let them care for you, let them worry about you, let them spend what little free time they have with you; anything to appease them until they're confident that something like that won't happen again.

About Commissions:

See the full post

4,377 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Can't help but imagine you as the first puppet ever made by Ei, not in the image of her sister, but simply to test the possibility of creating a living breathing one in the first place. The moment you worked, you were put aside and forgotten, having already served your purpose.

Can't help but imagine meeting Ei's second puppet, in near perfect condition, knowing that this was the creation that overshadowed your existence. You lived and were discarded for this innocent, porcelain doll. Naturally you can't help but hate him yet knew that your anger was misplaced; your creator is your enemy, and he too was thrown away by her own hands. Despite his existence being a mockery to your decaying one.

Can't help but imagine still hating him because he looks just like her, reminded of how worthless your life is everytime you looked at him. Yet despite your indifference, here he clings so tightly, so desperately for your attention. He does not know why you exist - but he knows what you are: not a God who will throw him away, not a human that will inevitably betray him; a puppet the same as him.

Can't help imagining a withering puppet filled with hatred against everything in the world, tailed by a spotless puppet still naive to most things but the feeling of betrayal and revenge in his empty chest. No matter how hard you try to shake him off, he steps after the sandy indents of your footprints, in silence just like you wanted.

Can't help imagining finally deciding your names, after your own mother had forgotten (not cared) to give you one.

"What about yours?" Your gaze slowly left the sakura tree still in the process of blooming to look at 'Kunikuzushi'. "Have you made up your mind?" His eyes betrayed his innocent curiousity.

Gazing into them betrayed the apathy he tried to mirror from you. His eyes were always so honest when looking at you.

"(Y/N)." He let it roll off his tongue in a deliberate manner, with such wonder and awe so child-like the first time you met. 'Kunikuzushi' dropped the facade and smiled freely this time. "It's amazing."

"Your strength will be beneficial to the Tsaritsa," the Harbinger exuding great power turns his head towards you, his steely gaze heavy enough to force you to bow your head so as to not meet his. "But this one..." Too weak, too broken, too chipped.

Kunikuzushi corrected with a growl of your name, arm gently circling around your form but gripping your forearm with a hand that would never let go. Assuring you he'll never let go. "They're with me. You take both of us or none at all."

You had always thought that the weak puppet would finally leave you alone after your various attempts of letting him know he was unwelcomed.

Yet Kunikuzushi's will is unbreakable, his stubbornness clearly human. You suppose you were the same, refusing to voice out your gratitude for the fact that he stayed.

But there were no need for words.

You closed your tired eyes as you felt a cold kiss on the hand he held.

"I will be here when you wake up," Scaramouche gently caressed your flaking hand. "In a perfect form you've always deserved."

Fic form: Part 1 Part 2

(Disclaimer this post is not indicative of the final product)

4,818 notes - Posted October 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

2021 Year in Review ->

[kingfallstranscripts-blog]

Episode 18: Make King Falls Great Again

Sammy:Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a very special daytime broadcast with Sammy and Ben.

Ben: We are live at the Main Street park celebrating a very special day with what looks like the entire town.

Sammy: I gotta tell ya, while I've got my doubts about the veracity of the claim today -

Ben: Don't.

Sammy: Let me finish...this defiantly brings a smile to my face and warms my heart to see this massive turn out. So many familiar faces...and voices. This is a big deal...

Ben: Yeah, Sammy, it is a big deal. Can you name another town in history that's been voted best small town in america 7 years straight?!

Sammy: Legit? Or just by the Chamber of Commerce? 

Ben: ... that's besides the point.

Sammy: I think that'st he actual entire point, Ben. This is propaganda. 

Ben: Don't! 

Sammy: But very lovely propaganda, no less. 

Ben: Don't go all "conspiracy theorist" on me. You don't even believe half the stuff that walks right on through our radio station door! 

Sammy: You know what, you're right. I'm just gonna punt this care package of sense and reason right out the door and instead celebrate our towns storied history like a patriotic citizen. 

Ben: That is good to hear. 

Sammy: You're ridiculous. 

Ben: It is what it is man! Regardless of who voted on this, I believe it is the best small town in america. 

Sammy: And you know that is what really counts. 

Ben: You see that parade, Sammy? How can you be pouting over statistics with a parade like that?

Sammy: It was a beautiful parade. I'm not completely sure that the day-time strippers from Sassy's House of Ass should have been along side the rest of the floats, but... not my call.

Ben: I will concede you that point. Although! A big shout out to Karen's Craft Corner for best use of paper mache on that stripping pole. 

Sammy: *chuckles* Folks, I know you aren't used to hearing out voices in the daytime, but if you are in the area, you should really come on down. It's a hell of a party here. Fair type atmosphere, there's balloons for the kids, lots of heart stopped cholesterol laden treats. 

Ben: Plus! The official coronation starts in less than TEN. FRIGGIN'. MINUTES people and you don't wanna miss it. So put some stank on it, and high tail it downtown.

Sammy: (monotone) So... I know that I have to introduce the mayor.

Ben: (mimicking monotone) Can you please hide the excitement from your voice, Sammy? We don't wanna cause a panic.

Sammy:*chuckles* As I was saying, I know that's coming up in just a few minutes, but you do have a guest for us before -

Ben: YOU KNOW IT. This is really special. 

Pete: (in the distance) King Falls AM? I can't believe those two jokers are still on the air! I say, we boycott! Rally everyone! Storm the tower! *starts chanting* Take them down! Take them...everybody, everybody, come on now *still chanting alone* Take them down! Take them down!

Sammy: Who the - Pete Meyers?!

Pete:...no. No, uh, it's - oh hey guys I didn't see you broadcasting there. 

Ben: Whatever, Pete. Why don't you put your leash back on and go hang out with Howard Ford Beauregard. 

Pete: The third! I don't know why you don't acknowledge it. It's important, it's part of the name. And... I can do what I want.

Sammy: Let it go, buddy. Uh, you were saying about the guest...

Pete: Shows you! He ain't even here, anyway.

Ben: Oh,right. What was I thinking? Vampires hate the sun, right? Of course he wouldn't be here, my bad. 

Pete: Right! I mean...no- wha? No! Vampires? What?

Ben: Exactly! You heard it here folks! Another King Falls AM exclusive. Howard Beauregard's own gardener confirms -

Pete: Sensationalist liberal media! (voice fades as he walks away) I am never watching you broadcast in the park ...

Ben: GOOD! 

Sammy: Hey, Ben? 

Ben: Oh, uh, right right. Uh, you aren't gonna believe this, Sammy. Seriously, we are in for a real treat. Joining us right after this commercial break? I'm literally shaking look at this. 

Sammy: Alright, enough suspense Ben! Reel in this fish. Also, please say it's Merv the station owner.

Ben: Come on, Sammy, I can produce guests. I can't produce miracles. 

Sammy: Worth a shot. 

Ben: Good luck with that. But, uh, anyway, right after the break - King Falls very own *mimics drum rolls* RICH MCGUFF FROM RICH MCGUFF'S LEATHER BOUND BOOKS.

Sammy: ... you just used that much build up - 

Ben: Dude, you have no idea! Rich McGuff does not come out in public. He's like King Fall's own Howard Hughes. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually seen him in my life time. 

Sammy: And you got him?! That is pretty impressive, Ben.I guess.

Ben: They say he has the essence of a 1980's Tom Selleck. And the libido of well, uh... like uh, a young Tom Selleck.  

Sammy: So one could say he's the young Tom Selleck of leather bound books? 

Ben: Oh man he's gonna love that! Can I tell him, do you mind?

Sammy: But does he have the mustache?

Ben: Sammy... if you've ever seen a more elegant mustache than Rich's? Well, *scoffs* then, you're lying. Because it's magnificent. Spellbinding, even. 

Sammy: Right after the break?

Ben: After the break! 

Sammy: That was your cue to go to break, Ben.

Ben: Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about that glorious, sculpted facial hair. You know I couldn't grow a mustache like that in a million years...

(sounds of crowd cheering and clapping suddenly)

Sammy: We are on schedule, right? 

Announcer over loud speaker: King Falls Own... Dusty Reynolds!

Ben: We are - uh - you know what? Let's use the power of technology to jump over to the main stage where Dusty Reynolds is about to perform. He can sing us to break!

Sammy: Sounds like a plan.

Ben: King Falls, we'll be back live from the Best Small Town America celebration in Main Street park right after the smooth sounds of my personal friend, Dusty.

Dusty: *starts strumming guitar* *in country voice* ♪Javier the pool boy, you have ruined my life. You used to clean my filters now you're banging my wife. Oh, Javier, hey Javier... I hate you. Donald Trump said you should go back where you came from. And after seeing you with my girl I don't think he's so dumb. Hey Javier oh Javier... I hate you. Wish that you would just disappear! Oh man I wish you were dead. And when I think of you and Gloria I wanna put a gun to my head. Oh Javier, hey Javierrrrr. I (censored) hate you ♪ *crowd cheers*

Ben: Oh, uh- sorry about that. Here's a word from our sponsors.

 *Upbeat Piano music*

Hi. I'm Sammy Stevens from 660 on the radio dial. The kind folks at the Chamber of Commerce know that our elderly friends at the King Falls Geriatric Center can't make it down today. Especially after the handicap ramp closures... so please enjoy an afternoon with your favorite King Fall's ivory tickler, Ed Shambley. Ed is graciously taking the day off from Nolan's Drugstore to come play from his self released smash, "Peanuckle Shuffle". From what I've heard there's no better way to get ride of the colostomy bag blues. From "Uh-oh I Can't Get Pp" to " I Think My Grandson Stole My Savings Bond" Ed Shambley will keep the King Falls Geriatric Center rocking, rolling, and mall strolling to the hits. Happy 7th Best Town Small in America, ladies and gents. 

 Sammy: Welcome back to King Falls that's 660 on the AM dial. We've got a -

Emily: Hi, Ben! Hi, Sammy! 

Ben: Hi, Emily!

Sammy: Hi, Emily! Come on up here. The lovely Miss Emily Potter is making her way up to join us. *quietly* Hey Ben are you sure she's gonna be okay to be around Rich McGuff?

Ben: Oh, good point. I'll make this quick. 

Emily: Hi, guys! Are you live? 

Sammy: We are live. How are you doing today, Emily?

Emily: Oh, I'm just having a great time! These kind of things is exactly why I love King Falls so much. It really is the best small town in america.

Ben: See, Sammy?

Sammy: Well now I'm sold.

Emily: Well I just wanted to tell you two hi and good luck with your special daytime show today! I hope it goes swimmingly. 

Ben: *clearly flusted* Aw, thanks, Emily.It's really sweet of you..,.

Emily: Don't mention it. I'm just happy I don't have to stay up so late to talk to you.

Sammy: *softly* Ohhhhhhh.

Emily: Uh, I - I mean, the show. To listen to the show. I-I love you guys. I, well, I mean - I love, uh, the show. I love the show, and you guys. 

Ben: I'm happy to hear your voice too, Emily. 

Emily: Sooooo, after your broadcast, do you maybe wanna come to Frickards with me?

Ben: YES. Wait- what?

Emily: See, Greg Frickard came by the library booth earlier and asked if I'd like to have dinner after everything is wrapped up at the ceremony. Annnnnd I was hoping you'd come with me?

Ben: That son of a...Frickard. 

Emily: But, y-you don't have to. If you don't want to...

Ben: Oh! I mean, of course I do! It's just...a frog place? I don't really -

Sammy: It's not a conflict of interest, Ben. You know that Granny Frickard's Froggery is just one of our amazing SPONSORS here.

Ben: *dryly, very monotone* It's a delicious place to eat. Put's some pep in my step and... some hop in my heart. 

Emily: So... is that a yes? I...really can't tell. Are you alright?

Ben: I'd love to go with you. Anywhere. Even a - 

Sammy: Ahem.

Ben: ... the best froggery this side of saddle creek.

Emily: Great! So, it's a date! Just come find me after the show. Bye, Sammy. Bye, Ben!

Ben: Did she say date? She said date, right?

Sammy: It sounded like she invited you to a date. 

Ben:... Frickard. 

Sammy: Ben, I don't wanna alarm you, but there is a heavily mustachioed gentleman walking up behind you. 

Ben: Oooohohoho! Oh man, oh man. Okay, okay. King Falls I am so proud to introduce Mr - 

Ernie: *heavy typical New York mobster accent* Heyyyy ya Ben. Hows yous guys doin?

Ben: Ernie Salcedo? 

Ernie: From Ernie's mufflers! How ya doin, pally?

Ben: I...uh...

Sammy: Hi, Ernie! Uh, nice to meet ya, sir. 

Ernie: Nice to make your acquiescence or..what have yous, Sammy. 

Ben: I'm sorry, Ernie, we were just uh expecting - 

Ernie: Rich McGuff! Yeah, he couldn't make it down to the thing, eh, he had some little thing to do somewheres else. 

Ben: Uh, why are you here? 

Ernie: Ohhhh, Rich and I go way back to this one thing that we did for this one guy. Long time ago. 

Sammy: Uh-huh

Ernie: It's a long story you might say. I can't really get all into the encompassing details and what not. Long story short, Rich can't make it. He's, uh, a little tied up/

Ben: *nervously high voice* Like actually tied up? 

Ernie: You're a funny guy, Benny. 

Ben: *same high voice* Uh-huh

Ernie: It's a compliment. Some cultures, when a compliment is paid, the complimented might give some appreciation back...

Ben: I - uh- th-thank you so much Mr. Salcedo... do you want actual money? I-I don't have my wallet on me, but - 

Ernie: Haaaa, this guy. You gotta watch him! He's a regular Don Rickles.

Ben: Ha... is that a compliment?

Ernie: You're almost too funny, Benny...alomst. 

Ben: Uh, uh. Th - uh, thank you, Ernie. You - you are a very large...broad shouldered...intimidating man. 

Ernie: You're a sweet kid. 

Sammy: Well, thanks for letting us know, Ernie. Ernie from Ernie's Mufflers, ladies and gentlemen. For all your... muffler needs?

Ernie: No problem. I gotta go see a guy about a thing anyway. You stay funny. Benny. 

Ben: *whispering* Is he gone? Please tell me he's gone.

Sammy: Are you okay over there, Ben? 

Ben: He didn't leave a fish anywhere, did he?

Sammy: He's gone, Ben. I think your safe?

Ben: Jesus...

Sammy: So, no Rich McGuff? 

Ben: I forgot after running into the Godfather - uh, Godfather of muffler... things?

Sammy: I think the term your looking for is "whosies whatsies" 

Ben: I really wanted to talk to Rich McGuff too DAMMIT.

Sammy: Well, let's just hope that Rich is alright. Maybe you can snag him for the 8th annual next year, Ben.

Ben: Don't get cocky about it, man. There's no guarantees we'll get it again. 

Sammy: Something tells me that it's a lock...

Ben: Phew! Okay...I'm okay, folks! Uh, Sammy? Uh, you better go get ready to announce -

Sammy: *monotone* Mayor Grisham. 

Ben: Yeah, but try to have some excitement in your voice? That'd really sell it. Like you actually like the guy. 

Grisham: How ya doin fellas? This is a fine day. How's your mom, Ben?

Ben: Oh man! Such a great day to be part of King Falls, mayor! Thanks for inviting us to host the uh -

Grisham: Yeah...that wasn't my call. It was originally Storm Sanders, but since he's-

Sammy: Please say off the reservation -

Grisham: That's completely culturally insensitive, Sammy! Have some tact. Since Storm is....ummm, not available to us today...the Chamber of Commerce insisted we go with...you.

Sammy: Believe me, Mayor, we are just as thrilled about this as you are. 

Grisham: Right. I'll see you up on that stage, Sammy. Please make it short and sweet. I've got an announcement to make.

Sammy: Oh, so I should totally throw away the 8 pages of compliments I wrote for ya. Oh, all that hard work right down the drain.

Grisham: Yeah yeah yeah, good stuff, Stevens. 

Ben: Uh, Mayor, before you go, would you mind giving the listeners at home a sneak peak of your announcement? I mean, most of the town is here and they'll hear it live. Could be a cool little thing for the station. 

Grishman: You know what, Ben? I think that's a good idea. A great idea, even. You think this might help mend this mutually hurting bridge between King Falls AM and myself?

Sammy: Mayor? We'd love to get the scoop if you're willing to give it to us. 

Grishman: So, we're good? 

Ben: Water under the infrastructurally unsafe bridge. Sammy?

Sammy: Mayor, if you're happy, we're happy. 

Grisham: That's the spirit! 

Ben: So, Mayor Grisham, after the coronation in just a few short minutes, you're making an announcement? 

Grisham: Absolutely, Ben. After today's crowning achievement of King Falls being the best small town in america and for the 7th year in a row, I don't think there's a better time to let the citizens of this wonderful town know that I'll be running, once again, for mayor in 2016.

Ben: Oh, wow! This is big news! This is a real scoop! This is - 

Sammy: A load of horse (censored) !

Ben: WHAT?

Grisham: Excuse me?! Stevens?!

Ben: Uh *laughs nerviously* uh, what Sammy meant to say is that -

Sammy: *matterly of factly* Is that this is such a load of - 

Ben: Sammy!

Grisham: Jesus (censored) Christ, are you serious right now, Sammy? Are we on the air, Ben? Alright, you guys are "Punking" me, right?

Ben: Uh, w-w-we are... live.

Sammy: So, mayor Grisham, you're announcing your bid for the seat you already hold at the town wide celebration that, let's face it, is far from legit. 

Grisham: Are you- are you doing this right now? What happened to water under the bridge?

Sammy: That bridge literally collapsed under the load of manure you are planning on dumping on to it. Do you announce something special like this at every made up King Falls event, or is this just something special?

Grisham: How dare you! 

Ben: Mayor *laughs nervously* Sammy's been taking a lot of cold medicine. You know how the old 'tussin makes ya loopy! He doesn't even mean this...

Sammy: What did he announce last year at the sixth annual best small town in america celebration? 

Grisham: If you must know, smart ass, we announced the- the uhh -  

Ben:  *slowly like it's just starting to hit him* He announced the 2.5 million dollar add on to the already newly remolded city hall...

Grisham: I..I'd have to - I'd have to talk to Riley first and get the figures - 

Sammy: And what about the fifth annual fest - 

Grisham: You know what, we're done here - 

Ben: Mayor Grishman announced 20% raises for all the King Falls county government employees.

Grisham: Again - gentlemen, I...I need to speak to Riley - I need to figure out these figures. You- you know it may have happened -

Ben: *sadly and softly* This is a sham...

Grisham: Are you happy, Stevens? Is this what you want? To ruin this town for everyone? Bring your big city conspiracy and your trash talk radio to my town? Are you happy?

Sammy: I think anyone that has this much problem with checks and balances is probably shady and worth looking into. 

Grisham: You're a real piece of...work, Stevens! 

Sammy: Coming from you? That means absolutely nothing. 

Ben: Uhhh, whoa, uhh, I know this probably isn't the best time, but you two gentlemen are needed over at the main stage for the presentation and ribbing cutting.

Grisham: One word about this, Stevens. One utterance of your conspiracy fueled hog wash, and I will... AHEM. Ahem. 

Sammy: Oh, I'm sorry, please continue to threaten me live on the radio waves. What was that?

Grisham: Listen up. You listen good. You have you little slice on sensationalized lies with your 12 listeners on AM radio. You stick to the damn facts and go announce King Falls as the best small damn town to live in or, so help me, I will have Sheriff Gunderson drag your ass outta here for preemptively inciting a riot! These people deserve it!

Sammy: And you of course. 

Grisham: You're absolutely right. I love my city! Unlike yourself. Do your job for once and I'll do mine. You two disgust me. And don't think I won't write Merv a strongly worded letter after this! 

Sammy: Yeah, good luck finding him.

Announcer over loud speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you - 

Ben: *sighs* Sammy, you should probably go do what ya gotta do...

Sammy: You know that I'm not doing this to - to paint the town in a negative light, right? 

Ben: I do! I really do, but... do you know how much this town needs this? 

Sammy: I do. And I love this town, I love these people. And maybe knowing the truth behind things is hard, but..I'd like to think it's better than living with the lie of it all. This isn't some BS proclamation by the Chamber of Commerce or a marginalized and power hungry schmuck that makes this town what it is... it's the people. It's the town. That's what makes King Falls great, and they deserve to know that.

Announcer over loud speaker: From King Falls AM, 660 on the radio dial, let's hear some applause out there! Mr. Sammy Stevens from the Sammy and Ben show!  (crowd cheering and clapping) Oh, uh, my apologizes, Mr. Mayor,... yes, of course... uh, sl-slight change of plans, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome back to the stage, Mr. Dusty Reynolds!

Ben: What the?!

Sammy: Oh, I'll be back. POST MY BAIL, BEN!

Ben: Wait, what? Sammy! Uh, oh- okay. That was Sammy leaving. He's heading over to the - yup! He's running up on the stage, there...

Grisham: You're done, Stevens! DONE! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR (CENSORED) HEAD OFF!!! 

(Crowd gasping dramatically ) 

Ben: Oh! Mayor Grisham just punched Sammy in the face! What the - (lots of censoring and fighting coming from the stage) Hey! Oh - oh - okay. Sammy just got- Sammy just- ohhhh. That's a suplex. Pretty sure that was a suplex. Sammy and Grisham are on the ground. This is literally like the end of Lethal Weapon. Except no rain... and neither of these men are proficient in mixed martial arts. (more screaming from crowd) HEY! DON'T! Oh, Mayor Grisham just went for a - a round house kick. And Sammy, nope - that - Sammy didn't even have to duck that was a terrible kick. No! Sammy! No, don't- don't- ooooo. How have they not broken this up? SOMEONE BREAK- SHOULD I BREAK THIS UP? (baby starts crying) Wh-where's Troy?! 

Grisham: Someone cut their feed! Cut it! Cut the feed now! 

Ben: I'm not even being biased, I think he's just angry Sammy had that headlock on him so long. La-ladies and gentlemen, I better - 

Announcer: *nervous laughter* There's just horse-playing, folks. Right? Right guys? (more screaming and commotion from crowd) *Sighs* Somebody get the hose. Dusty! Play your damn song already! Best small town in America, my ass...

Dusty: (singing over crying babies, screaming crowd) ♪ Came up to my trailor when I was out of town, lord he took my smile and turned it upside down. Cause I caught you having sex with a rodeo clown. from the size of his shoes, I just can't compete ♪

(Sirens from police cars pulling up - music fades)