#easily my longest and most convoluted shitpost yet

[sheikah-simp]

‼️PSA‼️ Astor is Zelda’s REAL, BIOLOGICAL FATHER.  Don’t believe me? Here’s PROOF 🔮😜

^^(Figure A. unedited footage from game)

FOR STARTERS, let’s start with what we KNOW in the game

1) Zelda was born with HAIR and EYES

^^(Figure B. Zelda with hair and eyes).

WHO ELSE do we know that was born with hair and eyes? Hmm?

HMMM??

ASTOR.

ASTOR AGE OF CALAMITY.

^^(Figure C. Astor Age of Calamity with hair and eyes).

Oh but it doesn’t stop there.

Zelda can often be seen hanging around with a tiny guardian.

A tiny guardian that plays an important song.

That song??

ASTOR’S THEME IN A MAJOR KEY.

This is confirmed. If you don’t believe me listen here for comparisons of Astor’s Theme, and the reprise, Zelda’s Lullaby.

It is very important to note here that Astor’s theme sounds like a music box.  This is significant because music boxes are often given to children, especially children with otherwise forlorn and mysterious pasts.  Zelda has a forlorn and mysterious past because her mother died tragically and mysteriously, and now she is haunted by the song of her tragic and mysterious father

Zelda’s guardian is running around humming her father’s theme hoping that one day she will remember. The only problem is he isn’t evil so he can’t play it in a minor key.

This causes the main conflict of the story, which is that Zelda can’t figure out who the fucking egg is.

Checkmate, atheists.

Oh but we’re just getting started you see. 

Thanks to the brilliant hawk eyes of @sherlocktheravencat​ for this fact, and this fact alone, we made the earth-shattering discovery that:

Astor’s hair?

Braided.

Zelda’s hair?

Braided.

ok now back to facts by me

Astor wears a silly little head thingy.  Zelda is occasionally seen wearing a silly little head thingy.

Like father, like daughter, eh, as they say??

Still not buying it?  Try this on for size:

Zelda was born: at some point in time.  We know this point in time was at least

17 years before the Great Calamity

Astor also existed: at some point in time

likely for at least 17 years before the Great Calamity

COINCIDENCE?? I THINK NOT

Zelda’s mom died when Zelda was six.  This means that Zelda’s mom died six years after Zelda was born. 

She likely existed six years before Zelda was born.

ASTOR ALSO MOST LIKELY EXISTED SIX YEARS BEFORE ZELDA WAS BORN.

This means Astor, feasibly, could have been Zelda’s father.  People who have children generally must exist before the children are born.  This makes Astor a perfect candidate for Zelda’s father.

But if that still isn’t enough for you, we must also consider what King Rhoam has to say in the game:

And lest we forget his writings from Breath of the Wild:

In Conclusion:

Astor is Zelda’s biological father

Yes, I am right about everything I say

The game 100% supports this.  The canon, un-doctored evidence is as clear as day.  What else left is there to say?  The truth is there, right out of the characters’ own mouths.  I can’t believe more people haven’t been talking about this.  But I guess it just took someone as enlightened as me to set the story straight.

This isn’t even getting into how Astor took the other egg from his daughter’s bedroom and turned it evil as a memento because that’s just too deep and too emotional for you fools

If you have any more questions, please, don’t ask.