#easter retreat camp reflection 1

[thehibernatedmind]

cats and short-lived happiness

(How should I even start this?)

It's been almost 3 years since I've posted anything on this blog. All I can say is, life happens, struggles happen. I had one horrible school year, then spent the next two years trying to pick myself up while handling work and everything else. There were some good times, I mean it wasn't all bad, but I couldn't really find myself. I could go about my days, completing one task and one responsibility after another, but I felt this deep unhappiness within me.

It's really hard to explain. All I can say is that my heart felt like an huge knot that was difficult to untie. Some things triggered me and it might suddenly strap the knot tighter, then I would break down. Then the knot would loosen a bit. I'd feel a bit better, but then another trigger would come.

"Maybe it's time for a change." A close friend and mentor told me.

I think he may be right.

Every year, my church holds a retreat camp during Easter. Because of the pandemic, this practice stopped for a few years and just resumed this year. I awaited eagerly for it. One, I haven't been to a trip / camp where I can relax and enjoy myself since the pandemic started. Two, I really need to be in an environment where I can find space to quiet myself.

So Good Friday came. Onwards to the camp.

We were encouraged to spend some time with ourselves once we arrived at the campsite. It's a free time where you can just walk around, or sit at a particular spot, and talk to God.

The campsite was much smaller than I pictured. Some parts were also under renovation, so there were a lot of barriers when I walked around it and the places where I could choose to meditate were very limited.

Then, I saw a cat bathing in the sun within one of the sites that was under renovation.

Yes, I love cats, and this particular cat looks similar to the one I adopted.

I tried to find a way to get closer to it, but all the barriers blocked every possible entry point, so I resigned to simply stand at the spot and look at its relaxed pose. The cat rolled and stretched on the ground for a few minutes. Then, as all strays do, it decided it's time to leave and I watched it strolled leisurely away from the campsite.

I asked, God, please let me see the cat again! That would be a miracle.

Then immediately, my head started conjuring amazing, unbelievable stories where I meet up with this miracle cat again during this retreat camp.

But right after, I knew my hopes would not come true. Who am I kidding? Why would a stray return? Why would God listen to me?

Amidst my two contrary thoughts, I started asking - why then let me see the cat, if it won't stay forever?

Eventually, God prompted me to think at a different angle -

Do I need the cat to be happy?

There are many things in life that make me happy - cats, books, food. None of them lasts forever. No matter how great these things may be, one day I will finish eating that dish, or read the last page of a great novel, or the cat has to wander to a different place. And sometimes, there may be barriers to prevent me from enjoying these things.

It's no one's fault that I cannot enjoy these things forever. It's just how life works.

The question, I guess, is whether I can be happy despite not attaining the kind of happiness I want.

***

Before the cat left, I did take a video of it rolling on the ground. I replayed the video again and again during the camp. Every time I watched it, I find myself smiling.

It didn't stay. It didn't appear again. But it did appear. That's already a blessing from God.

[jennygoeseastbay]

2018 in Review

So I used to do one of these every year on my Livejournal, and I completely blew it off in 2017 because I kind of abandoned that medium, and because the last month of that year was complete consumed with packing and moving. I’m not entirely certain I want to get more active on here, but for now this is a good place for me to post this, simply to have the written record of my existence that I need in order to process all that has happened and reflect on how it has helped me to grow and improve as a person. If I’m feeling really ambitious, I might even backtrack and do one for 2017 next week, because I like to be complete in my self-documentation. ;)

01. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before? Visited Washington DC for the first time.

Visited the Los Cabos region of Mexico for the first time.

Closed a major gift from someone who had not already had decades of cultivation from their University.

Visited even more areas of California that were new to me, including Anaheim, Santa Barbara, Santa Maria, Pismo Beach, Paso Robles, and Lake Tahoe (I guess that also includes Nevada since we stayed in Carson City)

Visited Ashland Oregon for the first time.

Sold a piece of real estate. Phew!

Practiced Yin Yoga. (And walking meditation!)

Engaged in a yoga hike!

Also tried yoga with goats!

Attended WonderCon

Attended a county fair.

Road a bicycle somewhere other than a residential street

Tried kayaking

Ran a trail run race

02. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never really make concrete resolutions, just some general proclamations about eating better, and putting more time into fitness and writing. Of these three things, the one I was most successful at this year, surprisingly enough, was eating better. In September I realized that it was time for a physical tune-up, and so I rejoined WW after a long time away, and though I still have a few pounds to go, I’ve been happy to have gotten a bit sleeker after dialing back the bread and cheese. I also attended a writing group called Shut Up and Write a couple times, and I’d like to become more of a regular at their cafe sessions in 2019, because I’ve found that their method (literally a concentrated hour of shutting up and writing) has been helpful the two times I’ve gone.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth? My dear friends Drew and Kelly had their first child in September. And my friend Lynn had her second child, a little girl, just a couple weeks ago. 04. Did anyone close to you die? Not super close, but a professor at UC Davis who I had worked with closely, passed very unexpectedly right before Halloween. 05. What countries did you visit? Mexico! Finally broke in my current passport with a new stamp! 06. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Good novel progress. Or more discipline on some other fiction and an essay that I just started tinkering with. A legit boyfriend. 07. What date(s) from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 2 was my first day on the job at UC Davis.

January 7 was a super fun evening at the Museum of Ice Cream in SF

January 13-15 was a wonderful weekend in Seattle where I got to meet my nephew Apollo for the first time and photograph his first swimming lesson for his parents.

January 20 was my second Women’s March outing in Sac with my friend Jade and her little ones.

January 27 was a day when I got to play tour guide for my friend Gricel and her husband when they were in SF visiting for the first time.

Feb. 10 and 11 was a fun weekend in Berkeley and SF, being silly and singing loudly with my former Cal colleagues who had become dear friends.

March 23-25 Was my whirlwind Anaheim weekend at Wondercon, and I got to catch up with my friend Mike, whom I’d not seen in a couple years.

March 30-April 1 was an epic road trip weekend, the first of what my friend Maya and I now call our Girls Gone Sensibly Wild excursions. We drove to Santa Barbara and visited the deserted UC campus there (it was closed for spring break) and also enjoyed an amazing live show featuring Dave Hause, Dan Andriano, and Cory Branan, among others at the Cold Spring Tavern. And then got a joint membership at Peachy Canyon Winery on our way back, because it was one of the few establishments open on Easter Sunday.

April 22 was Earth Day, and prompted me to venture out to Marin for an impromptu yoga hike at Rodeo Beach.

May 14 was my first appointment with a new hair stylist who would also unexpectedly become a trusted friend.

May 24 was my first time seeing Depeche Mode live, and it was incredible.

June 8-10 was my second of two hit it and quit it Chicago trips (although really, the first one wasn’t so much Chicago as it was Joliet) this year, and allowed me to reconnect with my dear friends Drew and Kelly (Drew finished his PhD at UChicago and I attended his commencement and hooding), have a day at the zoo with my friend Dawn, and also road trip to WI with my friend Mary for a beautiful and moving Lights Festival experience together.

June 30 was the day I attended my first ever CalShakes performance with Maya and our mutual friend Paola (Girls Gone Sensibly Wild continued!), and Maya also got me on a bike for the first time in ages, thanks to LimeBikes being available at the Pleasant Hill BART station. We took a short, wobbly, but fun ride down the Iron Horse Trail.

July 1 was the day I learned to kayak and surprisingly got myself through 5 miles of the Russian River without tipping over or running out of steam.

July 26 saw me reuniting with my dear pals Shannon and Glenn, when they were visiting the Sac area for a wedding.

July 27-29 was the weekend I drove up to Ashland to enjoy some time with my friend Debbie and to experience the Oregon Shakespeare Festival for the first time.

August 3-6 was when I somewhat unexpectedly had the delight of hosting my friend Clarise for a weekend visit. We drove down to Pacifica for the International Dog Surfing competition and I schooled her in the ways of California wine as much as I could with my limited knowledge.

The following weekend, August 9-13, I had a lovely time hosting and touring around with my 16 year old niece, and got to introduce her to the joy that is Santa Cruz. And yoga with goats!

August 30-Sept. 4 was when I hosted (this is a recurring theme in August, isn’t it?) my Aunt Sherrie for local sightseeing and a road trip up to Lake Tahoe.

Sept. 22-24 saw me heading down to L.A. for my cousin Katie’s wedding and some work meetings. It was the first time in ages that I got to connect with that specific branch of my family, and get to know them a bit better.

Sept. 29 was my first AFSP walk in Sac. And i was joined by Jade, her visiting mom, and her three little ones.

Sept. 30 was the really long hair session with Mason that helped solidify that we were legit friends (and included a shared sunset from the window of his hair studio!) and a quick follow up appointment on Oct. 3 allowed us to enjoy a rainbow and storm together.

Oct. 19-21 saw Maya and I doing another Girls Gone Sensibly Wild road trip. Back to Peachy Canyon to pick up some wine, and also Pismo Beach and Santa Maria for our first visit to a really lovely winery called Foxen.

Oct. 26 was quite possibly my all-time favorite Brian Fallon performance. It was just him alternating between his acoustic guitar and an electric piano, and he was joined by Craig Finn from The Hold Steady, who also did his own acoustic set.

Oct. 27 I got to introduce my new friend Torrey to the Old Sugar Mill in Clarksburg, and we did a fun wine and Halloween candy pairing and some epic day drinking.

Nov. 3 saw me reuniting with my Cal crew and a sprinkling of East Bay friends at Fillmore Karaoke, for an epic night of loud singing as an early celebration of my 40th bday. So much wine. Actually too much, but for a birthday, that’s acceptable!

Nov. 4-6 I was in Indianapolis for work, and though the work part wasn’t particularly memorable, I was super honored and thrilled that my BFF Dawn drove all the way down from Joliet IL with her two boys to have dinner with me on my first night there.

Nov. 9 was an epic Local H show in Sac. Also a welcome break in the midst of a period of forced solitude, after the Camp Fire residual smoke prompted my whole office to work from home for about a week to protect us from the terrible air quality.

Nov. 18 was the day we had the beautiful service honoring the life of a beloved professor who passed.

Nov. 24-29 was my trip to Cabo with my Aunt Sherrie, and was also my official bday celebration.

Dec. 9-12 was my DC trip, which also allowed me to catch up with my friend Max, who lives in Baltimore, and my friend Stacey, who also happened to be there for her own work purposes.

Dec. 15 was my full day of yoga retreating at Green Gulch Ranch in Marin, and then I drove to the East Bay to catch up with Maya at Calicraft, which is one of our favorite craft distilleries in the area.

Dec. 16 was a white elephant celebration in Pleasant Hill that allowed me to unexpectedly meet a new, interesting friend.

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year? So far, meeting all expectations at my new job and closing a major gift earlier than is required. Also not losing my shit during the condo selling process, even though there were a lot of reasons to do so.

09. What was your biggest failure? I wrote VERY little fiction. But I did dip my toe back into writing in general, so I guess there’s that. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I took a tumble at home that left my tailbone a bit tender about a month ago. But otherwise, no, pretty healthy, even after getting rear-ended in my car! 11. What was the best thing you bought? Various travel tickets, both air and rail. A beautiful new necklace that I found at the holiday market in D.C. All the concert tickets that provided soul-fueling live music.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine! I adjusted to a new job and an unfamiliar setting and managed to acquire a few new friends while also maintaining the East Bay friendships that meant the most to me. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Who else but certain immediate family members? 14. Where did most of your money go? Rent. Travel. Wine, and to a lesser extent, craft beer, now that I’ve picked up a taste for stouts and sours. 15. What song will always remind you of 2018?

Anything off of Sleepwalkers by Brian Fallon

Anything off of  Be More Kind by Frank Turner

Chariot by Gavin DeGraw

Tall Green Grass by Cory Branan

16. Compared to this time last year, you are: Thinner and sleeker, weight-wise

More willing to make room for others and open my life and space to them (friend and lover both) Still as sleep-deprived as ever 17. What do you wish you'd done more of? Novel writing, as always. Flirting. And kissing. 18. What do you wish you'd done less of? Angsting over adulting-related things that were either beyond my control or that ended up working out just as they should.

19. How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?

I’m driving to Santa Cruz on Xmas Eve and treating myself to an overnight stay so that I can indulge in my happy place and a sunset hike. Also get to celebrate Boxing Day for the first time with my friend Jade and her brood back in Sac.

20. How will you be spending/did you spend New Year’s Eve? Original plan was to hang at my friend Jade’s place with her kids, movies and snacks. But just learned the wee ones are ill, so now I’m not sure what I’m doing. That was how I spent last year (the original plan, that is), with the main difference being that last year I also went to a two-hour yin workshop beforehand, which was how I discovered my current yoga studio, and discovered how much I enjoy yin practice in general. 21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

No. But I made more effort to pursue it, and had more options than I think I’ve ever had in a single year. Which was kind of encouraging even if each one was relatively short-lived.

22. How many one-night stands? I always laugh when I read this question. How about I just wink knowingly and say a lady never tells? 23. What was your favorite TV program? Supernatural. iZombie. To a lesser extent, Riverdale, even though I’m still pretty behind on that one. Sons of Anarchy (which I know is old but I’m playing catchup via Netflix and Hulu) And as a guilty pleasure, Total Divas. And of course, I'm still casually following WWE on the WWE network, though the only thing I’m finding compelling aside from the women’s matches are the Brits featured on the UK specific programming. 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, I don't think so. 25. What was the best book you read? I finally got into the Harry Potter series and I’m really enjoying it. I just finished the Order of the Phoenix, and have the next installment requested from the library. 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Not entirely new, but my appreciation for Cory Branan was reinforced and amplified after seeing him in Santa Barbara. And I’m also on a rediscovery tear with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and the Cold War Kids.

27. What did you want and get? Reassurance that this move to Sac was the right next step, after I settled in to my new role relatively easily. 28. What did you want and not get? Romantic love for an extended period. More down time. 29. What was your favorite film(s) of this year? Bohemian Rhapsody, even though I know it had some historical inaccuracies.

A Quiet Place was hard because of the ending, but decent as well.

And the latest Halloween was hella satisfying, especially since I caught it after needing an escape after learning about the passing of the professor I mentioned earlier.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I prepped for my Cabo departure, went exploring at the Cosumnes River Trail, which is also a bird sanctuary, and caught the movie Widows with my work friend Christine. Then she took me to Panera for dinner. Couldnt’ do much more than that since I had a 5 am flight the following morning. I turned 40.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Love, as always. 32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? Activewear as much as possible. But never enough. 33. What kept you sane? My friends. The various trips I took and rock shows I attended. Junk food. Wandering in nature.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jensen Ackles. Tom Hiddleston. Charlie Hunnan. Idris Elba. My taste doesn't change much. 35. Who did you miss? Dawn. Becca. Kelly and Drew. Stephanie and Scott. Rob. Elspeth. Mike K. Jason. 36. Who was the best new person you met?

Lu

Ellen

Mason

Torrey

Anthony

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018 Never underestimate my own ability to adapt to new situations, and to handle my own shit like a boss. I had a few challenging things thrown at me, namely the condo selling process, and the logistical gymnastics that followed after having to bring my car in for a bumper repair following a recent rear-ending, and though I felt tested by both of those situations, I ultimately succeeded at navigating both of them to a positive end.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I’m always starting over....

I don’t wanna waste the nights in my life

But I never fit in, or felt home in my skin.

I’m waiting on a big love, baby.

--Brian Fallon, “Her Majesty’s Service”

[firstumcschenectady]

“Mountaintop Views” based on  Exodus 24:12-18 and Matthew 17:1-9

When I was 13 I read the Chronicles of Narnia.  They were good, not my favorites, but easily kept my attention to finish all the books. However, it was not until MANY years later that I learned that the books were written as intentional Christian metaphors, and I was floored.  Nothing, at all, in the books had felt like Christianity to me.  I didn't go back to reread them, but I did get peer pressured into seeing some of the movies, at which point I was able to see both: 1. How the story could have been written and understood as Christian and – at the same time – 2. How I entirely missed it.

(The key really being that I was raised in a Christianity that centered on “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me” while those narratives are inherently violent.)

It is a little bit embarrassing though, to have missed the entire point. However, I just didn't see it.  I couldn't.  There is a deep truth to the fact that we can't see things that we don't have the context to make sense of.  The Chronicles of Narnia didn't look to me the way Christianity looked.  Now, there are 2.3 Billion Christians in the world, and I don't think it is reasonable to assume we all understand our faith in the same way.  Sometimes it is a little bit startling to realize just how wide Christianity is and how often it contains its own opposites.  

At the same time, that's sort of the beauty of it all.  People from an incredibly wide range of worldviews, life experiences, and backgrounds are all able to find meaning in our tradition because it is quite adaptable to variation.

The scriptures this week have led me to thinking a lot about perspective, as they both have to do with changing perspectives.  Mountaintops themselves are places where people see things differently.  Some part of that has to do with the effort expended to get to the top, and another part has to do with seeing things from a different angle. From the top of the mountain, it is easier to see the forest than the individual trees.  It is also easier to understand how various parts of the landscape related to each other.

Additionally, both of these stories have transformational experiences occur at the tops of those mountains.  Moses has been called up the mountain by God, and leaves behind the people he is leading in order to follow God's instructions.  As Moses ascends, a cloud descends.  For the people left behind, that may have created a sense of mystery or distance from Moses on the mountain, or perhaps anxiety for his well being.

But for Moses, alone on the mountain in the midst of a dense fog, for 6 days without further instruction, that was likely INTENSE, like a 6 day silent retreat with visual sensory deprivation.  When I had a 6 hour drive home from college in the days before cell phones, the time alone with myself was enough to be disconcerting and clarifying.  6 days alone on a mountain in deep fog would be plenty of time for reflection – to say the least.  There are many people who can't handle 30 seconds of silence – for good reason.  Probably most people in our society get squirmy well before 30 awake minutes without distractions.  But 6 days!!!  Yet, the people I know  who have gone 6 days or more away from distractions all describe it as holy and perspective changing, although not usually easy.

The six days are a passing note in the story, but my goodness I think they matter.  On the seventh day, God calls Moses and the cloud dissipates to reveal the “glory of God” which was so intense the people at the bottom of the mountain could see it.  After 6 days of dense fog, that also must have been a new and different sort of intense.  AND THEN, Moses enters the cloud WITH God and they spend 40 days and 40 nights together.    

This is one of the stories of Moses receiving the 10 Commandments, and it seems to emphasize the holiness and uniqueness of the experience. Moses got A LOT of time with the Divine – way more than his preparatory 6 days.  

This story is cleaned up to fit into a good, faithful telling, but there is an incredible core to it.  As Addison Wright once pointed out, the faith traditions in the Ancient Near East at this time were all god and goddess centric.  That is, people sacrificed at Temples or engaged in behaviors meant to please the gods, with the goal of gaining favors from the gods.  Favors like fertility for people and and flocks, rain for the fields, etc.  Thus faith, worship, and offerings were largely transactional.  Wright believes that something entirely new emerged in the Sinai desert, and that something new is the core of this story.  

That something new was the concept of a God who cared how people treated EACH OTHER rather than simply being interested in self-aggrandizement.  That is, the faith traditions of the area really saw gods and goddesses as being like powerful people – selfish, greedy, and needing to be manipulated into helping out.  But somehow, a small group of desert wanderers came to understand a God (possibly singular, more likely this started as a primary or tribal god for them) whose PRIMARY CONCERN was moral behavior.  And that's the story of the rest of the Bible, right?  The people try to claim that they're all about God and God keeps on responding, “then take care of the vulnerable among you and build a just society.  THAT is what I want.”

This new idea of a God interested in moral human behavior and a just society is the core message lurking under this cleaned up version about Moses, a mountain, a fog, a fire, and a lot of waiting.  It is impossible to tell where the original story lies and where it has been adapted, but the core is powerful and the current version is powerful and they're both worthy of consideration.

The mountaintop experience being such a powerful part of the Jewish story, it makes a lot of sense that the Gospel writer Matthew tells the Transfiguration story as another mountaintop story.  In this case, rather than a dense fog, it is as if a fog has been lifted and the disciples are finally able to see clearly.

From the Gospel writer's perspective, people were confused into thinking that Jesus was just another teacher/healer, but on the mountaintop they saw just how holy and special he really was.  The experience of being close to God on the mountaintop is repeated, with God's own voice speaking.   “This is my child, the beloved, with whom I am well pleased.” It doesn't get much better than that!  Yet those are the words that whisper through the ages, being shared time and time again, because those are the words that God speaks to each of us. “This is my child, the beloved, with whom I am well pleased.” Imagining being on mountaintop seeing God's delight in Jesus reminds us of why we continue to work in the world as the Body of Christ.  

The perspective change on the mountaintop is interesting.  In these stories, new insights are gleaned, ones that change lives.  I've been thinking about when those perspective shifts can happen for the rest of us.  Climbing mountains remains a good option ;) but what are others?  Some of the most common in the church are mission trips, or participating in new-to-you ministries of the church.  Anytime we meet and engage with people who are different from us, we gain valuable perspective.  And, the more we listen to people, the more we learn.  Sometimes I think perspective shifts are just direct gifts from God.  Other times they come after long term spiritual practice or prayer.  Some require those 6 days of silence in dense fog (or variations thereof).  Julia Cameron in “The Artists Way” says the way not to get stuck is to write 3 pages of longhand every day and have a date with yourself to do something new every week.  Her particular goal is to keep creative juices flowing, but it turns out those are related, aren't they?

One other intersecting piece comes to mind.  When our anxiety is UP, we tend to see the world more in black and white.  So, rather than developing increasing capacities to see many perspectives in the world, we will tend to pick one and STICK WITH IT AT ALL COSTS.  The challenge is, that for most of us today, anxiety is high.  Of course, the  current power structure (of any time and place) benefits from the increased anxiety that leads people to either/or thinking and doubling down into opposing camps.  It maintains the status quo.  The status quo is generally the compromise between two opposing camps, right?  But what is really great for people are win-win situations, which require creative thinking, the capacity to see multiple perspectives, and openness to new ideas.

Now, it turns out we can't spend our whole lives on mountaintops, and we all exist within some parameters of perspective that we can't just will our ways out of.  Furthermore, we LITERALLY can't see things we aren't expecting to see, which makes it SUPER hard to break out of our perspective when it is... in fact.... wrong.

My favorite idea from John Wesley is this, “Sometimes each of us are wrong.  Clearly, if we knew when we are wrong, we would correct ourselves and not be wrong.  So, sometimes when others disagree with us, it is actually a sign that we are currently wrong.  Since we don't know which times those are, we should approach all disagreements with humility.”  

What would have happened if Moses came back down the mountain with a new conception of the Divine and people said, “naw, that doesn't sound right?”  Where would we be today?  Where would the world be?

Transfiguration Sunday is the final Sunday before Lent.  It foreshadows for us the perspective shift of Easter, and by giving us a foretaste of it, gives us the motivation to engage in reflection for Lent to prepare ourselves for Easter.  It turns out that Lent is also meant to give us a perspective change.  It slows us down, offers us time to think, and reflect, and consider.  

There are a lot of ways to expand our worldviews, to glean a better understanding of what is going on all around us.  None of them are perfect, and our capacities to see and understand will be limited, but thanks be to God, we can grow and become.  May we take the view from the mountaintop and let it change us from the inside out.  Amen

--

Rev. Sara E. Baron First United Methodist Church of Schenectady 603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 Pronouns: she/her/hers http://fumcschenectady.org/ 
https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

February 23, 2020