#eddie is out here introducing chris to a new woman every month

[captain-hen]

"eddie NEEDS to be in a relationship and he keeps DESPERATELY chasing after it" yes, that's why he's only dated twice since his wife of almost a decade died five years ago :) makes perfect sense :)

[libraryofloveletters]

hi! so i came across your blog just a couple days ago and i love your fics! if possible i have a request for an eddie diaz and buckley!read fic? it might sound like a weird idea and it might not follow the time line. but the reader is a buckley, her and eddie slept together and they were about to start dating. then his wife comes back and the reader leaves la because of that reason. she then comes back 3ish years later with a daughter. her siblings know it’s eddie’s baby and tries to get the reader to tell her, but she doesn’t want to. then eddie some how finds out (you can pick how) and then he tells her that he wants to be apart of both there lives. and one last thing, can the daughter be names stella? (i hope this isn’t to detailed!)

thank you and i hope you have a great day! 😊❤️

Build A Home With Me

Eddie Diaz x Buckley!Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader, slight insinuation of cheating, mentions of pregnancy, secret keeping, sibling teasing, alcohol and consumption of

Category: Angst and Fluff, lil mix of both :) 

Word Count: 5k

Author’s Note: First of all, thank you for the sweet words! I loved this request and I loved writing it! I hope you liked it!! <3

---

“What time are they going to be back ?” Eddie gets up off the bed, you shrug and grab your phone. You watched as Eddie got dressed, somehow this man always looked perfect. “Y/n ? What time are they coming back ?” he stops in front of the bed, the sound of the front door unlock causing the both of you to look towards your bedroom door. 

“Well, I guess now” 

“Y/n!” he half whispers, half shouts. “They’re going to kill me” he says, leaning down and tossing your clothes at you. “Not they Eddie, Buck. Buck’s gonna kill you” you laugh. 

“Y/n ?! We’re home!” your sister shouted from downstairs. You were currently staying with your sister, Maddie, while you came to visit LA. She was kind enough to let you stay with her because frankly, your brother could be a pain in the ass with all his routines. 

“Coming!” you shout back, Eddie grabs your arm as you go to open the door. “My shoes are downstairs” he looks at you, “okay and ? Come down and get them” 

“They're down there” his eyes go wide, the idea of your siblings seeing him was absolutely outrageous to him. 

“Eddie, I'm a grown woman. I don't think they’ll care.” 

“I do! I have to work with Buck, do you know how hard it’ll be if he’s upset about this ?” 

“Would you relax? He’s slept with 90% of my friends. Let’s go” you grab Eddie’s hand and pull him down the stairs with you. “Why are you walking so loud fu-” your brother stopped in his tracks. 

His little sister and his best friend. Holding hands. Coming down the stairs. 

Together. 

“Ed- how- wait what ? Since when?” Buck didn't know if he should be upset or congratulate them. “Buck, what’s wrong?” Maddie walks into the living room to see the 3 of you by the stairs. 

“Oh hey Eddie, wanna stay for dinner ?” 

Buck looks over at Maddie, she didn't seem surprised about the fact that their little sister just came down from her room with Eddie. “Did you know ?” Buck asks her, “I mean yeah, the walls in here aren't exactly thick” she laughs. Eddie’s face was a mix of shame and embarrassment. Buck didn't say anything, he just left the 2 of you by the stairs with Maddie. Eddie looks down at you and glances over to the direction Buck headed in. You shake your head and grab his hand again, giving it a little squeeze. 

“Come on guys, dinner’s going to get cold” Maddie smiles, walking towards the kitchen. The two of you follow her to the kitchen. Dinner was quiet, just talk about work and if you plan on moving out to LA which was still undecided as of now. Maddie asked you to help her get another bottle of wine, leaving the guys at the table together. 

“How long ?” Buck slouched in the chair, taking a sip of his beer. Eddie couldn't remember the last time he felt like this, he knows Buck is his best friend but right now, Buck was y/n’s brother and not his best friend. 

“A few days after you introduced us at the station” 

Eddie watched Buck. He was doing the math in his head, Eddie’s fingers drummed against his knees under the table, Buck looked over at him. “That’s almost 4 months” 

“It is” 

“And you didn’t tell me”

“Buck, man, she didn't want anyone to know” 

“Yeah she’s always been a private person” Eddie gave him a slight smile. “Did you introduce her to Chris ?” 

“Yeah, a few weeks ago. They really like each other” 

Maddie’s voice interrupted their conversation. “I have pie, who wants?” she turns to the fridge, the men give her a mumble which she takes as a yes. You make your way back over to the table, standing behind your brother’s chair. 

“So?” your hand rested on his shoulder, his hand comes up and pats yours, he glances over his shoulder and smiles at you. 

“Really ?” you smile at him, he nods. You lean down and kiss his cheek. Eddie watches the two of you, you remind him a lot of his relationship with his sisters when he lived at home. Maddie comes back to the table with a few plates in one hand and a pie in the other. 

“I should get going” Eddie stands from his seat, “Oh are you sure ? You don't want to stay for dessert ?” Maddie asks him, he shakes his head. 

“Thank you but I should get home to Chris” he comes around the table and pats Buck’s shoulder on his way over to Maddie. 

“Thank you for dinner” he gives her a hug, she wraps her arms around him.

“Anytime, come by anytime and it doesn’t have to be just to sleep with her,” she laughs, “you can just hang out if you want” 

“Hey, I'll walk you out” you reach for his hand, Eddie follows you to the door. He stepped outside, the cool air blowing into the house, you leaned against the door. 

“How long until the team knows?” you ask, he chuckles. “Maddie’ll tell Chim, Chim’ll tell Hen, she’ll tell Athena and then Bobby’ll find out” 

“So let’s give it two days ?” 

“2 days.” 

The two of you are just standing there, looking at each other, not saying anything. Eddie grabs your hands, “can I tell you something ?” 

“Anything” 

“You know how I'm trying to get Chris into that new school ? And I went for the interview” 

“Yeah, did everything go okay ?” 

“Yeah no, everything’s fine. It’s just that, uh- well you see,” 

“Eddie, spit it out” 

“They want to interview Shannon” he looks at you, your face is unreadable. Eddie’s brows furrow, he’s trying to read your expression. 

“His mom, right? Did you tell her? Because if that’s what it’ll take to get Chris in, you should tell her” 

Eddie sighed, a feeling of relief washed over him, “I thought you’d be upset” 

“Why ? It’s for Chris plus, nothing’s going on between you guys, right ?” looking at him, you were now trying to read his expressions. 

“Nothing’s happening, I haven’t seen her in years”  

Eddie gave your hand a reassuring squeeze. You smiled at him and pulled him into a hug. “Go home now, they're probably wondering where I am” you whisper to him, Eddie’s hands come up to your face. 

“Goodnight y/n”

“Good night Eddie” 

--

Anger, sadness, you didn't know which one you felt the most of right now. 

Eddie stood across from you, the two of you were in the living room of his house. Initially you had come by to spend the day with him and Chris, and to see how the interviews went. Upon arriving, you realized that Chris wasn’t home, Eddie told you that he was out with Shannon for lunch. 

“I didn’t- no, let me explain.” he looked over at you, taking a step over to you. You stepped back, you didn't want to be near him right now. 

“Explain then.” 

“She was feeling vulnerable, she felt like what happened to Chris was her fault and she was crying. She was blaming herself and felt horrible for leaving. I was just trying to comfort her.” 

“you couldn't comfort her without kissing her ?” you spat, your words laced with anger.

“Y/n, I didn't mean too. I pulled away, she kissed me” he tried to defend himself. 

You asked him the impossible question, the one he knew was coming, the one he didn't have an answer too. 

“Do you still love her?” you looked over at him, his answer would determine the rest of this relationship. 

“I’ll always love her, she's Christopher’s mother.” 

“Eddie, yes or no. Do you love her ? It doesn’t matter if she’s Chris’s mom.”

Eddie didn't say anything, he just stood there. You nodded, running your hand through your hair. Picking up your bag, you pull something out of your bag. Eddie watched your every move, he could see the hurt on your face, he truly never meant to hurt you, that was never his intention. Stepping towards him, you shove the picture frame from your bag to him. 

“This was for you” you say, Eddie looks down at the frame. It was a picture of the 3 of you. The 2 of you had taken Chris to the zoo one weekend and taken a few pictures, it was a picture from that weekend in one of the colourful frames from the gift shop. 

“When did you -” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

Eddie followed your steps to the door, he watched you walk out on him. Once you go to the car, you look back at him, “You know, I hope things work out between you and Shannon, for Chris’s sake. He deserves to have both of his parents in his life.” 

Once again, Eddie doesn't say anything. He watches as you get in the car and pull out of the driveway. He watches you drive down the street, he watches until he can no longer see you. 

On the other side of the city you sat in the car. How do you tell your siblings that you ended it with Eddie because he kissed his wife? It’s not that you didn’t know he was married, he had told you but he also told you that it didn't even count to him, she wasn’t around. 

Was there even something to end ? 

The two you aren’t exactly exclusive nor did you ever say that you weren’t dating. Maddie and Buck were both at work, you took the time to go inside and pack up your things. You didn't want to leave like this but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell them in person, simply for the selfish reason that it would hurt you and to see Buck’s face when you have to tell him why you’re leaving would break you. You took all these things into consideration when you wrote the letter to them. 

To my Buck and Maddie, 

I love you both dearly, let me just start by saying that. I’m sorry that I had to leave so suddenly and with no explanation. There’s nothing here for me, at least not what I came in search of.

The two of you are my whole world, you know that. These last 5 months have been some of my favourites but our time has come to an end, at least for now. I promise I’ll come back and visit soon but I can’t stay here, not right now. I need to leave, to get myself together. I know what the two of you are thinking right now (I’m a Buckley too, don’t forget that) that you can help me get myself together but you can’t.

The reason why I’m leaving is Eddie. Well, not entirely, he didn’t tell me to leave but I feel like I should, for his sake and for Chris’s. As you both know, Eddie and I have been seeing each other but we never made it official, we just - well I just assumed we were. I went to see him today and he said he kissed Shannon and he still loves her, he “always will” so I told him that whatever we had is over and that I hope things work out for him and Shannon because Chris deserves his parents in his life, together, if they can make it work. I couldn’t tell you this in person because it would hurt, hurt me and hurt the both of you. Please remember it was my choice to leave, don’t take it out on Eddie (especially you Buck) he didn’t do anything wrong, I knew he was still married to her. If anything, I was the other woman and I don’t know why I allowed myself to get sucked into that.

Regardless of what happened between Eddie and I, don’t let that change the way you treat him. He’s a good man and he deserves happiness. I’ll find mine too, even if it’s not with him. I love you both, I’ll call you when I get home.

All my love,

Y/n.

---

*4 years later*

Buck’s birthday was this weekend. He didn’t have plans but in Buckley fashion, Maddie wouldn’t let his birthday go uncelebrated. Hence why you found yourself wandering the terminal at the airport, waiting on your brother to pick you up. 

“Uncle Buck!” the little girl shouted and sprinted down the terminal to the man in the green shirt. “Stella!” he shouted, meeting her halfway and picking her up. You made your way over to your brother, “hey birthday boy” you smile and pull him in for a hug. “Hey you, you know it’s not my birthday yet right ?” 

“I know, can't I be excited ? I missed your stupid face” 

“Oh thanks” he rolls his eyes playful, he’s carrying Stella with one arm and pulling a suitcase with the other. You tugged the other suitcase alone with you as the 3 of you make your way over to the car. Buck gets Stella strapped into the car suit and then gets in. Halfway through the drive, Stella falls asleep, she kept insisting on staying up the entire plane ride and kept talking about how excited she was to see her aunt and uncle. The car ride was quiet for the most part. Buck asked how your flight was, he caught you up on his life, you told him about Stella’s first day of school. 

“Who’s coming tomorrow ?” 

“Maddie and Chim, Hen and Karen, Bobby and Athena,” 

“Bobby and Athena.. as a couple ?” 

“Yeah, they got married”

“And neither of you told me?” you smacked his arm, he whined.

“Hey! I'm driving! anyways, Eddie and Chris are coming too” 

That’s who you really asked the question about, you wanted to know if you’d be seeing him tomorrow. 

“How’s Chris ?” 

“He’s good, he’s grown up a lot since you last saw him.”

The rest of the drive was quiet, you watched as the cars passed by and you couldn't help but think what could have been if maybe things had ended differently. Buck carried a sleeping Stella up to his apartment, you followed him with the luggage. Chim opened the door, Buck went to carry Stella up to his bed so she could get a proper nap. Chim helped you with the luggage. 

“Y/n! it’s so good to see you again” he hugs you, you smile. “It’s good to see you too! I missed you guys. Where's the boss lady ?” you follow Chim’s glance to the stairs, Maddie was giving Stella a kiss as Buck took her up. 

“Mads!” 

“Y/n!” 

She came down and pulled you into a bone crushing hug, “god I missed you” 

“I missed you even more” 

After everyone was situated, Maddie began naming off jobs. “Chim, cake and balloons tomorrow, pick up is at 2. Y/n and I will decorate, Bobby said he’s got most of the cooking done and Athena will help him. Hen and Karen offered to get a banner, I just said yes because who doesn't love a banner?” she laughed, you, Buck and Chim exchanged glances. “And Buck, you just be ready.” 

“As for right now, boys we need beer.” she said, the two of them standing there, looking at each other cluelessly. 

“Go! That means go!” you say, Buck groaned and dug his keys from his pocket. 

“I forgot how bossy the two of you are together” he teased, you pushed him towards the door and they headed out. 

You and Maddie were sitting on the couch, planning out the last minute details. “Stella’s gotten so big” she says, flipping through the binder in front of her. “Yeah, she keeps surprising me everyday” you chuckle. 

“She looks a lot like him” Maddie glances at you, the smile drops from your face and you nod. 

“His twin, she acts like him too. The same pulled together emotions, she’s a fighter just like her dad” 

“That’s good” 

“No I mean, she really is a fighter. She hit some kid for taking her snack” 

Maddie and you ended up in a laughing fit as you tell her the story. Sometime later, the sound of little feet pattering down the stairs caught your attention. “Auntie Maddie!” your daughter shouted as she straight to her aunt in the kitchen. “Hi sugarplum!” Maddie picked her up and gave her a hug. “I missed you” she says to her aunt, Maddie smiled at the little girl, “I missed you too” 

Chim and Buck come in a few minutes later, you were laying on the couch watching tv and Maddie had Stella up on the counter, they were having some sort of dance party in the kitchen. “Who’s this pretty girl with you?” Chim asks Maddie as he walks over to him. 

“This is Stella, my niece, she looks like me that's why she's pretty” Maddie tells him proudly, you roll your eyes at her comment and you hear Buck groan. “Shut it, you're just jealous you’re not hot like me” she gives Buck a look. 

“Stella, this is my boyfriend, Chim” Stella takes a seat on the counter, looking at the man for a few seconds before saying anything. “Are you a firefighter ? Like uncle Buck?” 

“I am, how’d you know?” he asks her

“Magic,” she giggles 

“I might have to hire you for my next party then,” Chim jokes, “it’s very nice to meet you Stella” he lifts his hand to give her a high five, Stella pulls him into a hug instead. 

The 5 of you have dinner before Maddie and Chim head out. You, Buck and Maddie were in the kitchen going over something and Chim sat with Stella on the couch. He was teaching her how to play some video game Buck left on, “uncle Chim?” the little girl called to him, he smiled at her and the fact that she called him uncle Chim.

“Yeah?” 

“This game is weird” her face screws into a weird expression, Chim laughs, “it is, isn't it ? How about we go see if Buck has ice cream ?”

Before he could get up, Stella had already ran off to the kitchen, Chim trailing behind her. Stella tugged on Buck’s hand, he looked down at her, “Do you have ice cream ?” 

“In the freezer, do you need help ?” 

“Nope”

She let go of his hand and waddled off to get the ice cream from the freezer. You lifted her onto the counter and opened the container for her. Your back was turned for a moment to get her a bowl and a spoon, turns out she had already found a spoon and was eating straight out of the container. Sometime after that, Buck decided he was going to bed, Stella didn’t like that idea so she followed him up the stairs and began bouncing on the bed. 

“Stels, come on, I'm tired” he told her, he watched the little girl bounce up and down on the bed. 

“No! I'm not tired, come bounce with me!” she shouted, Buck sighed. 

“5 minutes okay ?” Buck gets up on the bed with her. 

You were in the kitchen with Maddie and Chim, “excuse me for a minute, let me go get her before she kills Buck with her energy” you left them in the kitchen by themselves. 

Chim turns to Maddie, “Stella’s dad didn't want to come down for the party?” he sees how Maddie tenses up for a moment. 

“Uh, her dad isn't really in the picture” 

“Oh, does he know about her?” 

“No” 

The conversation drops, Maddie stands by the window and Chim makes his way over to her. “You know, she looks a lot like Eddie” he looks over at Maddie, her focus on something outside the window. “Maddie ?” 

“She’s his daughter” 

“He doesn’t know?” 

“Y/n left LA right when his wife came back. She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later. She had me and Buck, she didn’t want to drag Eddie into it.”

“Shannon died, Maddie. She could have told him.” 

“That’s exactly why she didn’t. He just lost his wife, she didn’t want to drag Stella into a messy relationship, Eddie needed time and she gave that to him.” 

“Do you know if she’s going to tell him ?” 

“I don't know, but that’s not our decision to make. What you heard here, stays here. Promise me that” she looks over at Chim, she loved that man with her whole heart but he wasn’t exactly the best at keeping secrets.

“I promise”

--

Turns out you can plan a party in a week. 

Everyone had arrived at Buck’s place, everyone was scattered around the apartment. Bobby and Athena in the kitchen with Karen and Maddie, Chim and Hen were by the tv with the kids, Buck was still upstairs trying to find something to wear. Stella ran over to you as you came back down from the kitchen. “Mom, look!” she pointed at the cake that was on the table, “I see it sweetie” 

“Can I have some pleaseeeee?” she looked up at you, “a little later, you gotta let Buck blow out the candles first okay ?” 

She ran off to go play with Nia and Denny. Someone knocked on the door but no one else seemed to hear it, you walked over and opened the door. 

There he was. 

“Y/n!” Chris wrapped his arms around your waist, you leaned down slightly and hugged him. “hey buddy, how are you ?” 

“I’m good, I missed you” 

“Awh, I missed you too” 

You could feel Eddie’s eyes burning into you as you and Chris walked into the apartment, he followed the two of you. Stella came running back over to you. “Stella come meet someone” you called to her, she stood beside you, looking up at Chris. 

“Who’s that momma?” 

“Chris is uncle Buck’s friend’s son, now you play nice okay ? I don't want trouble” 

“I'm Stella!”

“I’m Christopher!”

You crouch down beside her and point to Eddie, “that’s Christopher’s dad, Eddie, why don’t you say hi?” Stella marched up to him, she leaned her head back and looked up at him. “Hi!” she smiled at him, Eddie looked down at the little girl in front of him, she had to be around 3 or 4, she had brown hair and the same smile he did. Eddie glanced at you and then back to Stella and once at Chris. 

That couldn’t be a coincidence.

“Hi Stella, I'm Eddie” he smiled at her, she gave him another smile and made her way over to Chris. She began telling him about the plane she took to come see her aunt and uncle, the two of them walk over to Nia and Denny together. 

Standing up, you and Eddie are now looking at each other. “Hi” he steps closer to you, you don't move. “Hey” you move slightly closer to him.

“How have you been ?” 

“Good, you ?” 

“I’m okay, can't complain” 

“You never do. Want a beer ?” 

“Sure” 

Eddie follows you to the kitchen, you pull 2 beers out of the fridge, handing one to him and opening the other for yourself. Standing across from him, he asked you “how old is she ?” 

“4″ 

“How come you never told me you had a baby ?” 

“We stopped talking after I left, I wasn’t going to call just to tell you that. I figured Buck would have told you.” 

“He didn’t” 

Right on cue, the birthday boy came down the stairs. “Wow all of you are here for me ? I must be so special” 

“You know you are” Maddie pokes his cheek. Buck went around to say hello to everyone, he started with Eddie. You took that time to leave the very awkward conversation you were having with him and made your way to the kids. 

--

Chim dropped the bottle in the trash and headed to the fridge for another one, the party was well underway and everyone was having a good time. Well, expect for Eddie. He couldn't shake the fact that Stella looked so much like him. “You want another one?” Chim asked him, setting the bottle beside him on the counter. “Yeah, thanks”

The two men stood in the kitchen, chatting about work and just catching up. Chim had a slight buzz going and he kind of let the secret he wasn’t supposed to tell, slip.

“How’s your kid?” he leans back against the counter, looking at Eddie.

“Chris ? He’s good”

Chim shook his head, “no no, Stella”

The bottle nearly fell from Eddie’s hand, he looked at Chim. “What do you mean Stella ?”

Chim realized what he said, he turned the other way and began walking. “Chim!” Eddie grabbed his arm, “what do you mean Stella ?”

“I've already said too m- oh Maddie’s calling for me, bye” Chim walked off and left Eddie standing in the kitchen by himself.  Eddie looked over at the little girl sitting beside Christopher, she looked like him, there was no denying it. She had his smile, the same brown hair, she even had the same hazel brown eyes. You were walking into the kitchen when Eddie grabbed your arm.

“What ?” you look at him.

“I need to talk to you”

“Let go of my arm and maybe we can talk” you push his hand off of your arm. Buck made his way over to the kitchen, he could feel the tension. “Is everything okay ?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine Buck, Eddie’s just gonna come with me to get the candles from the jeep, right, Eddie ?”

“Yeah, we’ll be back in a few”

The two of you stepped out of the apartment and walked down to the parking lot. You did forget the candles in the jeep so it wasn’t a total lie. “Is she mine?” Eddie blurts out, you turn to face him. “Is who yours?”

“Stella. Is Stella my daughter ?”

“How’d you-”

“Chim let it slip”

You groaned, Maddie must have told him. It wasn’t a big deal that she told him, it was a big deal that Eddie knew.

“She is.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“It didn't make sense too”

“Y/n, she’s my daughter! of course it makes sense to tell me!”

“You had just gotten back with Shannon, I didn't want to drag you back into something you didn't want. I’ve raised her for the last 4 years and I'll continue to do so, it doesn’t have to change now because you know she’s yours.”

“Shannon’s- she’s dead.”

“I know, Buck told me, I'm sorry.”

Eddie let out a sigh, his hand ran through his hair. You stood in front of him, the two of you in the blistering heat, having a conversation you never planned on having.

“She wouldn't have stopped me from being in Stella’s life”

“I know.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Eddie, you had just lost your wife when Stella was born. It didn’t seem like the right time to come to LA and tell you I had a baby, your baby.”

“What about after that ? It's been 4 years y/n”

“Eddie, come on. Would it have made a difference ? It wouldn't have fixed anything. I would have still just been some girl you slept with.”

Eddie looks at you, his expression softened, “is that what you think ? that you're “just some girl” I slept with ?”

You didn't answer him, you didn't have an answer for him. There were so many times you had wanted to call Eddie and tell him about Stella. When she said her first word, took her first steps, her first day of school. You wanted to share all those times with him, like a normal family.

“Y/n,” Eddie stepped towards you. “You were more than just some girl. You always said that Chris deserved to have both of his parents right ? And he did but what about Stella ? Doesn't she deserve that too ?”  Eddie’s arms wrap around you, your hands on his chest.

“She does,” you sigh, “I can't just tell her your uncle’s friend is your dad, Eddie.”

“So we’ll take it one day at a time. I want to get to know her, and you. I want you back in my life, in our lives.”

“Eddie, I have a life, a job, Stella has school. We can't just leave everything.”

“As I said, one day at a time. I want this to work, don't you ?”

“I do”

“How about we get lunch ? Or dinner? The 4 of us. If you feel like this is something you want to do, you want us to try and make things work, for the kids, we can. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Eddie pulled you into a hug, things felt at ease for once, like a weight was lifted off your shoulders, you weren't carrying a secret anymore. You never meant to give in so easily but Eddie had this hold over you, one you couldn't shake, regardless of how much time you spent apart. You ended things because of what happened between him and Shannon in a parking lot and here you were, making up with him in a parking lot.

Talk about full circle.

--- 

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you are a famous child actor that eddie has had a crush on ever since he could remember. now that you are a young woman in your twenties filming for the movie 𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒𝑠, maybe it was fate that brought you two together.

A/N - layout by @adoresobs​!  i don’t know, this may suck.

acting had been your passion. ever since you were five years old, you graced the screens of many tvs and movie theaters, going from playing an artist’s daughter on sesame street in 1973 to one of the older orphaned teenagers on the musical annie to a lifeguard on baywatch. your character on the show was taken off due to filming conflicts; they had written her so she got an opportunity to go to college with a full-ride scholarship. all throughout your nineteen-year acting career, young eddie had watched every movie and show you were in, his crush on the [y/r] woman that glorified every monitor you were on.

when he was nine years old, he began rewatching sesame street just because you were on it. his friends at school made fun of him, but they just didn’t understand. they didn’t understand his need to see you on his tv screen, to hear you speak. he began watching baywatch when it came out in 1989 just because he heard you were on it. and he was mesmerized by the way your body fit into that swimsuit, the way you looked so perfect when you ran despite them always putting it in slow motion, the way your hair bounced everytime your foot made contact with the sand. he was in love with every inch of you.

in 1991, when he heard that you were no longer going to be on baywatch, he was disheartened. his favorite actress saving people after they did something he loved to do was addicting to him. he longed to be in their spot. but then he heard that it was due to filming conflicts, and knew immediately that it was because you had other things coming out. when he and his band released their debut album, ten, he hoped it got big enough for them have their names be heard around the world. he hoped you listened to their music, hoped that you loved his voice and the lyrics he wrote, loved the music videos.

close to his birthday in 1991, he heard that you had an interview with david letterman, and he was going to watch it. he had to. he flipped to the channel it was on and waited for you to come onstage. when you were introduced by letterman, the audience cheered as you walked out onstage in a black loose minidress with spaghetti straps, your hair done in the latest style as you waved to the camera, smiling widely as you got nearer to letterman and gave him a hug. it was short, quick, and you say down immediately once the two of you pulled away. the interview went on as usual, david asking you if you had any upcoming projects, you answering them vaguely, and you recounting stories from the photos he showed, laughing at the funny bits, blushing when you got to an embarrassing detail that involved you, and nodding to show you understood the question you were being asked. “have you been eyeing anybody as of now?” letterman asked. “you’ve been single since you debuted in acting back in 1973, and now you are a twenty-three year old woman, and no sign of a lover!” the audience chuckles at him.

“um. . .” you laugh a little. “i haven’t been seeing anybody, i’m a busy person, so i don’t have much time even for myself, let alone somebody else. but god. . .” you rubbed your elbow, a telltale sign you were a bit nervous. “eddie vedder from the band pearl jam is really cute. i wouldn’t mind meeting him.”

“that’s who your eyeing?” letterman asks. you nod, and eddie feels his heart swell in his chest. you knew who he was. you knew his band, you listened to him, watched his interviews. “yeah,” you defend, “i like energetic guys with blue eyes and long brown hair. he’s cute.” someone in the audience whistles and cheers, causing you to laugh. “he is! i’d love to meet him someday.” eddie’s palms begin to sweat, his eyes widen and he begins breathing heavily. he was your type. you liked him.

“have you listened to their album?”

“i’m sorry?” You turn your attention back to letterman.

“have you listened to pearl jam’s album?”

“yes, i have!” you nod. “it’s amazing!”

“what’s your favorite song?” letterman organizes the pile of notes in his hand, the rhythmic sound of the pat, pat, pat sounding loudly through eddie’s tv speaker. you click your tongue, leaning back in your chair, hands holding on to the armrests.

“oh, god, that’s hard,” you thought for a moment. “it’s a tie between oceans, garden, and black.” your hands tap against the rests three times — left, right, left. “it’s hard to choose, he’s got such a dreamy voice!” you chuckle, trying to calm yourself down as the small weepings of your crush begin to come out of you. they’ve done some interviews for their album and a few live shows, which you’ve watched as much as you could in order to see the frontman, loving the way he was so energetic and full of happiness.

the rest of the interview went by in a blur for you and eddie, and he went to bed, your face imprinted on the backs of his eyelids as he fell asleep.

a few short months had passed before eddie and the rest of the band were asked to come on-set to act out their very few scenes, not knowing who else, other than matt dillon and chris cornell, were going to be there. you were off-camera, readjusting your jean jacket sleeves as matt and the others were getting ready for the restaurant scene. eddie was sitting across from matt, on the edge of the seat, sharpie in hand as he listened to what jeff was reading about the fictional band, citizen dick. you noticed him, hair tucked behind his right ear as he said one of his only lines, “a compliment for us, is a compliment for you.”

cliff, matt’s character, begins to object, when you were given the clue to get on-set and sit next to matt, as you were playing his childhood friend, ruby. eddie’s face showed momentary shock as you sat on matt’s left thigh — as was scripted — and took a sip of the coffee from his cup. “i’m guessing you all read the news article about you, huh?” you restated the line you read over and over in your home and in the dressing room, your arms crossing in front of you and you begin leaning on them, forearms pressed against the wood.

“yeah,” matt placed his hand on your hip, sensing that you had gotten a little wobbly and was making sure you didn’t fall. “this negative energy just makes me stronger.” you chortle into the cup, “sure.”  the watch your character wore began beeping, alerting you to act as if you were rushing. “i have to go, see you all later!” a chorus of deep, male, “bye!” follows you as you walked over to the diner’s door and walk out. the director yelled out, “cut!” and all of you knocked out of character.

standing in line to grab a quick lunch, you eyed the crowd, in search of the frontman of the grunge band, quickly recognizing him by his bandmates, his blue eyes frantically looking around. once he spotted you looking at him, his cheeks flare up, heat rushing into them as he looked back to his friends. he wanted to come up to you and talk, but he was just too shy, too flustered to make any real conversation, let alone any small talk. if only he had the confidence one of his former classmates had, then he would make conversation, ask you out on a date and just overall be with you. noticing his hesitation, you planned to talk to him later when he was away from his bandmates just so he was at ease in some form and they weren’t around to make fun of him; you could at least do that much for him. 

“eddie!” you called out as he walked away from your direction, not noticing you sitting on one of the couches in the lounge area, standing up from the comfortable cushion to make your way over to him. he paused midstep, recognizing your voice instantly, heartrate picking up at the thought of you talking to him, hearing your footsteps coming closer to him. clenching his hands in his jacket pockets, he takes a deep breath before facing you, blue eyes wide as he eyes your figure coming closer to him, a reassuring smile sketched on your lips. “are you alright? you look a little nervous,” you stated, eyebrows furrowing as you noticed the somewhat deep breaths the frontman took.

“yeah,” he blushes deeper. “y-yeah, i’m fine.” he clears his throat. “what are you doing here?” 

“i work here,” you chuckle lowly, crossing your arms across your chest. “but are you okay, really? remember, i’m an actress. i can tell when someone is acting or not.”

so you saw through his lie, he noted. “um. . . i’m just nervous to be around you, that’s all.”

“why?”

“’cause he has a crush on you, that’s why!” mike’s voice calls out through the studio, causing eddie’s blush to become deeper and to spread across his ears, his head bowing to hide his face. 

“really?”

a nod. you took a step forward, reaching forward to take the cook county native’s face in your hands, moving it so it faced you, a small smile on your lips, reassuring and warm. “you want to take this somewhere your bandmates wouldn’t interfere?” 

another nod.

“okay, come on,” you took his hand in yours, leading him through the many corridors and crew members to what was your dressing room, a private place that was rare nowadays. “sit anywhere you’d like.” there was the makeup chairs you sat in every single day, multiple times a day, a sofa in the corner of the room, and a director’s chair with your last name stamped onto the back. he took the sofa, hearing you lock the door behind you, giving you and him more privacy. “i’m sorry your friend did that,” you said as you made your way to the makeup chair, one foot still on the floor while the other was resting on the crosshatched wood pieces between the legs of the chair. you did it to give him the space he possibly needed, but to eddie, it seemed like you were avoiding him. his heart broke even more. 

“i should’ve expected that, if i’m being honest,” he chuckled, trying to get rid of the embarassment that settled deep in his bones, but you still saw the blush that was slowly creeping away. 

“they still had no right to do that,” with this, you stand up, make your way across the room, and sit down next to him, taking his hand in yours. they were warm; rough at the fingertips at the many years of playing guitar. you could feel the small calluses that were healing, the small imprints of the guitar strings, telling you that he had been playing recently, locked away in some small room. you sighed, “today is your last day here on set. i didn’t get to spend enough time to know you, but i got to talk to your bandmates.”

he nods, “yeah, i guess time works in mysterious ways.”

“but it doesn’t have to. how about i take you out to dinner?”

shocked, his head snaps up, peering into your [y/e/c] eyes, round and hopeful. “really?” you nod, laughing when you see his smile widen. “yes, really.”

“i’d love to!”

TAGLIST:

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The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

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The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year. 

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

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One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore. 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs. 

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[kellynkane]

The Story...from a Bride’s POV

So I created this blog because I wanted to share the WHOLE story from start to finish for whoever was interested. Our love story wasn’t all hearts and rainbows! There were A LOT of rain and stormclouds throughout our (almost) 8 years of being together. So please, continue on if you dare! 

***When I mention song titles during the wedding portion of this, please listen...to set the mood.

I’m going to keep the background pretty minimal, considering i’m sure a lot of you already know how we got to this point. This will be MAINLY the wedding day! (We didn’t have a videographer so I wanted to share from my point of view- THE DAY) feel free to scroll down to the wedding chapter if this begins to be drawn out. Look, i’ve never blogged before so cut me some slack!

So take it back about 7 years and 8 months ago...

(One of our first pics on those old flip phones that had to be turned around and taken in a mirror so you could see...)

We met through friends. I had gone to my neighbor’s house to hang and long story short Adam was there, we hung out, and the rest is history. When they say “head over heels for eachother”, that was what we were. I can’t even begin to explain the love I felt for this kid. (I say kid because that's exactly what we were...two young kids.) We were inseparable. I knew I loved him from the moment we introduced ourselves to each other. Crazy right? 

A short year later we had a baby. Mason Robert Kane. And this my friends is where things ‘got real’. You think you have your crap together? Add a baby to the mix and watch what happens...So basically the next 2 years or so were very rocky. Lots of ups and downs. This was what people would call the breaking point. But our point never ‘broke’. We certainly were pushed to our limits and maybe at times pushed OVER our limits but there was something that just never went away- our love for one another. It wasn’t having a baby guys, I know, I know...you would think this was a big part but it wasn’t JUST that. There was a much deeper connection that even to this day we question as to what exactly it is/was. It’s just something. Something that kept us hanging on, stringing us along all these years.  

Between year 2-5 I would say were the hardest part of our relationship. To our friends who were around, THEY KNOW. But hey, we’re humans. We were young kids when we met. Going through your early 20′s are the years where you actually grow up. They’re the years where you question who you are and who you will be as a human. You question your relationships with not just your significant other but friends and family as well. There are A LOT of ‘what ifs’ and ‘I don't knows’ during these growing up years. BUT these are the years that make EVERYTHING worth it in the end. 

So this puts us at about year 5 and a half. Just when we thought we were through the woods...After getting through some of the toughest years of my young 20 something life, we had ANOTHER baby. (Yes, we questioned our sanity as well.) He WAS an accident. Surprise, surprise. *insert crying laughing face. Or maybe just crying face* No, really Hunter Matthew Kane has added joy to our family we never thought was needed. Very difficult at times, but that’s for another blog post. Like I mentioned before: ADDING A BABY TO THE MIX DOES NOT MAKE ANYTHING EASIER. I REPEAT: “SHIT GETS TOUGHER!” but we made it work. You can’t run away from life. Choosing to have our children and continue on this journey of life together, was what we wanted to do. Did we fight? YES. Did we cry and question things? YES. But again, being able to persevere through all of that and come out on top...well, THAT’S what makes it worth it people! 

So (not-intended) long story short, fast forward to:

Sunday, June 18th 2017

The day we said “I Do.”

Those hard times we went through are what made our wedding day, the best day of my life. It sounds cliche but it truly was the best day of my life. I married my best friend, guys. The man I grew up (into an adult) with. The man I cried and fought for years with. The man I shared so many laughs and joyous memories with. The man who is the other half to my two beautiful boys. I married him. And he’s now mine, mine, mine. *Immature editing there.*

If you’re still reading this, this is where I want to lay out the day for you. Because in my eyes (and hopefully others as well) it was a freakin’ AMAZING day. 

Early Sunday morning I arrived at the venue with my girls. (Bless every single one of them because if it weren’t for them, we may not have actually made it to ‘I Do”.) We began setting up the venue and getting hair and makeup done. 

While I’m getting ready this is what was going on with my other half:

So now, it’s time...

It’s time to put on the dress and do the damn thang. 

The music begins:

***Jason Mraz- I Won’t Give Up

I’m watching from up in the bridal suite all the groomsmen take their places. Then Adam. My heart begins to pound. I watch my girls one by one begin to walk down to the pond. Then, my oldest Ring Bearer Mason and flower girl Gia begin to walk. Mason & Gia begin arguing (as usual) as SOON as it was time to walk. Mason is basically dragging Gia saying “COME ON, GIA!” while she is trying her hardest to throw petals saying “HOLD ON, MASON!” It was one of the funniest things to watch! 

Then, my Grandfather (who is so extremely important to me. He helped raise me from birth. I love that man with everything in me) pulls the wagon which has my littlest ring bearer- Hunter, and littlest flower girl- Renzi. Hunter holding a sign “Here comes the bride!” 

Now music changes:

***The Piano Guys- A Thousand Years

I look up at my Father- a man who I can honestly say, I have NEVER seen cry and I say “You ready?” and with that, he breaks. He begins to tear up and says “I’m sorry, i’m going to get emotional”. Well jeeze Dad, now i’m going to cry! We have to get it together! So after all the tears we begin to walk. 

At this point right here ^, this is what I see:

The man that I am 20 feet away from marrying, in tears. Full fledged ugly crying- tears. And that’s what makes me lose it...Hopefully he was crying tears of happiness and not “now I’m stuck with this crazy woman for the rest of my life” tears. I’m going to go with the first one just for my own sake! 

Here we stand hand in hand (which from the photo up top, I held his hands the wrong way (the manly way) and I’ve been obsessing on it since last week...but whatevs) Jason (who is actually the Godfather of our children and very close friend of the family which makes it even more sentimental to have him marry us...) begins his spiel and then it gets to the part where we exchange our vows. Let me break this down for you- I HATE BEING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I literally contemplated dropping out of college when I heard I HAD to take speech 101...So you already know i’ve been freaking out about this part since I got engaged. BUT I can honestly say, (without being mushy gushy) as soon as I was up there with Adam, I felt like it was just him that I was speaking to. I felt SO at ease...So we said our vows and then we get to the exchanging of rings. Good Lord, I would be the one who messes that part up. It took me two tries AND reading off of Jason’s paper to get it right. 

After rings, Jason says the all too familiar saying: “You May Now Kiss The Bride!”

With that he announces us as the NEW Mr. & Mrs. Kane!

Music begins (Mind you EVERY song I mention has specific meaning to it. Our music playlist was IN DEPTH. Thanks, Scott Cash for doing a fantastic job!) 

***Eddie Vedder- Hard Sun

I take Adam’s arm and Mason’s hand. And Adam picks up Hunter and we walk down the aisle together. As a WHOLE family. Not just the Bride and Groom but as a whole family unit. Because that is what we are. We aren’t JUST a husband and a wife. We are parents. And more importantly we were parents BEFORE marriage. So it was important for us to include our babies when leaving the main stage. 

(Yes, Mase was crying. He’s an emotional little dude, just like his Dad. And I say little in regards to both Mase AND Adam.) 

Click, Click. 

Time to do what I know I do best- BE A MODEL! (I’m totally just kidding...I absolutely hate having my picture taken, I can selfie it up all day but when I have to pose without seeing myself, totally weird...)

NOW IT’S TIME TO PARTAAAY!

Music begins:

***Beyonce- Crazy In Love

Our bridal party including parents and grandparents get introduced! 

And because I love sidenotes: Adam and I LEGIT got in a HUUUUUGE argument during wedding planning because I wanted Nelly- Hot in Hurr for the entrance song and he was NOT ABOUT THAT life...so that didn’t happen (even though I think it would have been fantastic) but BEYONCE DID HAPPEN! I had to put my foot down for my guuurl.

THEN:

Music CHANGES:

***Rusko Remix- Jahova

I gave the DJ STRICT orders to wait until EXACTLY 30 seconds before he announces us in. THEN at 40 seconds (when the beat drops) we walk in!!!

I know, I know...we’re lame. But like I mentioned earlier, the playlist for the evening is based around songs that represent US! Back in the day 8 years ago when we thought we were so cool going to raves, that song was THE SONG that we loved. So THAT is why we chose it...just a little FYI.

(See that up there ^, that’s Adam doing his little rave dance signiture move. Me on the other hand, i’m just waving it left and right because I have no rhythm...)

Okay if you’ve made it this far God bless you  AWESOME THANK YOU! I’ve realized I have reeeeally strung this along so i’ll try and speed things up a bit! 

FIRST DANCE:

***Chris Stapleton- Tennessee Whiskey

FATHER/ DAUGHTER DANCE:

***Fleetwood Mac- Landslide

Quick sidenote: My Dad had probably a little more booze than he needed before this point so long story short...he was trying to dirty dance with me during our father/daughter dance. Oh well, it makes for a good story to tell!

I mentioned earlier about my Grandfather being a very important person in my life, so I knew it was only fitting to give him a little dancing action. He said “I don’t dance” When I leaned over to him mid-dance with my Dad. So I grabbed his hand and made him stand up with me. As we danced he tells me the story of when he first met my Grandmother (who passed away a few years ago) and how he asked her to dance and she told him he danced like a chicken so he never has danced since. After that, he begins to get emotional and tells me how he wishes she was here. Then we both begin to ugly cry together. It was beautiful. 

MOTHER/ SON DANCE:

***Van Morrison- Days Like This

FOOD:

Now it’s time to GRUB! Look they don’t call me Big Mama Kel for nothin’! I love me some food.To set this scene, we (as in MY DAD) had a whole roasted pig. Kind of gross...I was against it, BUT my Dad wanted it. He paid. End of story. It actually was pretty good!

Speeches:

Carley or should I say Carlaaay & Zack (Our best man and maid of honor) KILLED it on the speeches. Some of the most heartfelt words were said by both of them. They have seen Adam and I both at our best AND worst. So thank you guys. They honestly both wrote such amazing speeches, I was seriously impressed...BUT I have to say, the SURPRISE speech from MASON, was what took the show! He got up there with the mic and basically said how much he loved us and was so happy. Thanks for the added tears Mase! 

*Insert mic drop*

Lots of booze and lots of dancing AND lots of trips to the photobooth

Who in the world did I think I was?...

Beyonce...ALWAYS Beyonce.

Oh and lots of cooling off in the bathroom because it was so hot...hey, I’m really as modest as they come but a brides got to do what a brides got to do. That dress was freakin’ heavy and hot!

(No booze for the kids obv. Just added for cuteness factor! Well, and because they’re my kids duh!)

But can we just pause and take a second for this:

Oh and these too: 

(He spent probably the most time in that photo booth!)

Probably saying “YAAAAASSSS I’m married!” But then again, who knows. I had one too many at this point...

And last but surely not least- My Mermaid-of-honor. My best friend. Carley is the sister that I never had. So thank you for being my right hand lady through this entire wedding experience. I love you. 

CAKE CAKE CAKE

***Aerosmith- Sweet Emotion

This song had no meaning. They just say “sweeeeeeet emooooooootion” so figured it went with the whole cake cutting thing...

Thanks for smashing cake all over me...but hey, that’s what you’re suppose to do right? 

And a little bit of this:

Song Choice: ***Bad Company- Feel Like Making Love

Look at my Dad sitting back there...so proud to have been front row for such a wonderful experience...(This is high level sarcasm here) 

Garter toss & Bouquet toss-

Song choices were:

Garter Toss: ***Jay-Z- Big Pimpin’

Bouquet Toss: ***Beyonce- Single Ladies (of course)

And with that guys, that’s pretty much it. 

OH we played flip cup too, you know...keeping the wedding EXTRA classy! So with that... 

THE END!

For our Sparkler Send-Off song at the end of the night:

***Led Zeppelin- Over The Hills And Far. Of course we waited until 1:28 seconds (because i’m that type of bride, if you couldn’t already tell...) to run through, what should have been a tunnel but turned out to be a circle, of sparklers!

"Hey lady--you got the love I need. Maybe more than enough.

Oh Darling... walk a while with me. You've got so much... "

ADVICE: 

I know I have a TON of soon-to-be bride’s that I am friends with, so if I could give ANY advice at all through this whole process, it would be to JUST breathe! And don’t sweat the small stuff! Seriously…people aren’t going to notice how one flower arrangement isn’t set the way it should or that your ONE piece of hair isn’t laying right (and I can guarantee your significant other won’t notice either!)

Oh who am I kidding? I was sweating every small detail that was out of place and I probably would again if I had to do everything over. But if I could give ANY solid advice it would be to try and sneak away for a few minutes with the one you JUST married and look over your wedding and take EVERYTHING in. They aren't lying when they say your wedding day GOES BY FAST so try to enjoy it! Haha but other than that, just have fun and let loose with your Lovie. It’s YOUR time to shine lady! 

Hopefully you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Re-living this day is amazing.

Love you all!

I would like to thank ALL vendors who were involved in making this day as special as it was. Please feel free to check them out!

Lead Photographer: Summer Mae Photography  www.summermaephoto.com

Photographer: Charlie Peacher Photography

Venue & Catering: Pond View Farm   www.pondviewfarm.com

Props & Floral: Vintage Prop House   www.vintageprophouse.com  

DJ & Photobooth: Scott Cash  www.scottcashphotobooth.com

Makeup: K. Marie Styling Studio  www.kmariestylingstudio.com

Hair: Kimberly Guercio 

Baker: Hollie Watts

*AND* 

 A BIG thank you to my Dad for making my dream wedding a reality! I know we argued a lot the past year, but you did good champ Dad! I love you. Also, a BIG thank you to Adam’s parents- Suzi & Jeff for paying for flowers and the rehearsal din-din! AND I COULDN'T FORGET: a big thank you to my Mama Bear for running around entertaining the littlest of the Kane clan- Hunter during the wedding. He sure does love his Mom-Mom and Adam & I both love you too, Mom. 

Now we’re off to Cabo! 

Toodles,