#eddie kapsbark

[confusedqueergal]

Hardhearted

This is my story for the Secret Santa 2019 event  hosted by @itfandomprompts​

My gift goes to @nadurflaa​, I hope I did a decent job!

Pairing : Eddie Kapsbark/ Richie Tozier 

Wordcount: 3945

Summary: Eddie comes back home from college for the holidays and has a unpleasant surprise waiting for him.  

(trigger warning for homophobic comments) 

It was weird to be back, although it also felt good in a way. It had been more than 5 months since Eddie had seen any of his friends. If he was being honest, he had missed them quite a lot. It wasn’t as if they weren’t talking, rather they text everyday and call each other at least once during the week. It was nice to know that the distance hadn’t changed much to their friendship. Most of the Losers club had also gone away for college, except for Richie, who had taken his first year off to travel. Bev and Bill had both gone to Stanford, Stan had gone to NYU and Ben was studying in Colombia. Mike had gone to study in the community college, not so far from Derry itself. Besides Mike, Eddie was the one who stayed the closest to their home. 

Not that Eddie didn’t want to get as far away from Derry as all his other friends. He was afraid that if he left for college too fr y that he would lose sight of one particular boy. The one he had loved for so long. But now he was back, at least for a few weeks. As he got out of the cab he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding back. With determination he walked towards his childhood home. 

It wasn’t normal to feel so anxious to see your mother after a few months. That never happened to other people, right? Eddie knew that his mother was nuts, but she was still his mother and as far as he knew his only family. His mother knew that he would be coming sometime today, so she didn’t act surprised when he opened the door. 

“Eddie, good, you’re here! Bring over the milk, would you”, her sharp tone ordered him as soon she noticed his arrival. Eddie rolled his eyes and sighed as he walked towards the kitchen. “Oh hello Eddie! how are you, Eddie? How was your trip back?”, the young adult muttered to himself as he walked back to the living room, where he now noticed his mother sitting with the town clown, Pennywise.

His name was actually Robert Gray, but the Losers Club has been calling him Pennywise for years now. The name started when other people would say that the man was wise, because of his age. Of course, being 10 year old boys the losers club decided that he was as wise as a penny, therefor the name Pennywise was created. 

Yes, it was silly, but it stuck and the Losers club wasn’t about to change a 10 year old name.

After giving the milk to his mother, Eddie sat down on the sofa, right next to Pennywise. 

“You should be grateful your mom wants you back in her house, boy”, the old clown snarled as Sonia put some milk in his coffee. 

“It was a mistake, wasn’t it, Eddi-kins”, Sonia laughed and took a sip from her coffee. Eddie frowned, not understanding what the two old bags were talking about. 

“What was a mistake, mother?”, he dared to ask. It was better to ask than to make assumption on what had her mad, if he had to believe Pennywise. 

“Oh, Edward, I was talking about the things you said before you left of course. I knew you were emotional about the fact that you would be leaving me and Derry, so I didn't say anything”, the woman smiled, but as always her smile didn’t reach her eyes. Those eyes always looked bleak, as if she never felt any emotion.

“Do you mean my coming out?”, Eddie asked taken back from the comments his mom had made two seconds ago . He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It had taken him so long to accept himself and to be comfortable in his own skin and now that he had come out to his mother and peers, she batted it away as if it was nothing. As if his feelings weren’t valid. 

“If you want to call it that, then sure”, she said, indifferent to Eddie's distressed face. 

“Ha, coming out, that’s bullshit you young folks have invented. It’s ridiculous and you should just get your head out of your ass, boy”, Pennywise laughed and Sonia nodded in agreement.

“I am sorry if it’s bullshit to you, but coming out is a struggle for a lot of people not only ‘we young folks’”, Eddie snapped back. Okay, he is willing to accept backlash towards himself, but not when it’s about the whole community. Than he is going to say something.

“Sure, boy. It really is a struggle to chose to fuck around with another man. I am sure that if it was a real struggle you wouldn’t choose to do that shit.” 

Eddie was speechless, this conversation was starting to really bother him. He has to admit, he was tougher than he was two years ago, but the words coming from Pennywise, really pissed him off.

“Robert is right, Eddi-kins, I know it’s cool to participate with all those trends, but you don't have to pretend with me", was what Sonia said and Eddie had to push the tears back. He wasn't going to cry in front of this woman who he used to see as his mother and that monster of a man. 

"Oh come one, boy, you are getting soft if you can't handle a few comments from your mother", Pennywise hissed out after he noticed the young man tear up. 

"You need to get out of here, now!", a voice urged him as he felt more and more pathetic in the presence of the two elderly. 

Pennywise was still talking, venting about how soft and weak he was, but Eddie couldn't take it anymore. He tried to block the conversation out, until something caught his attention. 

"You are right, Robert, when I heard that my Eddi-kins was friend with that useless boy, Richard, I knew he would be bad news", Sonia exclaimed as response to the last comment that Pennywise had made. 

"What are you talking about?", Eddie snapped for the first time since entering the house. 

"I always knew that that Tozier kid would be trouble. He is clearly one of those fags and that has been a bad influence on you", Pennywise outright attacked Richie and that is something that made Eddie furious. 

“You don’t know shit! Richie is one of the best people I know and you are a monster, nothing more than a fucking clown!”, Eddie cried out in anger as he hit the table with his fist. 

Shit, that hurt, but right now he only felt angry and upset. 

“Edward! How dare you say that to Robert!? Apologize, right now!”, Sonia ordered her son, as she always did. She always wanted him to do what she wanted, he had to be a clean, good boy and he couldn’t take it anymore. 

“No, mother! I won’t apologize! I am not about to apologize to a clown after he insulted me and not to mention insulted my friend!”, Eddie snarled at Sonia. It was the first time he really stood up against her, besides that time when he couldn’t see his friends anymore. It felt good! Shit, it felt really good! Sonia looked in shock, but really, she should have seen it coming. After all these years of repressing her son, of controlling him, so it was bound to happen. 

Eddie felt the adrenaline rush through his vein as he tried to figure out what he should do now. He came to the conclusion that he couldn’t stay in this house, with this woman and even less in the same room as this clown. So he turned around and started to walk out of the room towards the door, where his luggage had been abandoned not even an hour ago. 

“Eddie! Eddie! Where are you going?!”, Sonia squealed and started following him outside the door, “Eddie! Come back here!”

“Bye Mother!”, Eddie called one more time and he started walking down the road. God, how it would have been better if he had a car, right now. 

Behind him he could hear his mother, still calling his name, but Eddie was determined, he wouldn’t let her manipulate him anymore. 

Without knowing where he was headed, he continued walking as the conversation kept repeating in his head on a loop. Gosh, how stupid could I have been, Eddie thought to himself. He had really thought that his mother had accepted him after she hadn’t said anything about his coming out. 

Minutes could have passes, maybe even a few hours until his legs came to a stop. He recognized the building as one of the newer apartment buildings in Derry. After a moment he realized that this was the building where Richie lived. The man had send the losers so many pictures of his new home, he seemed so proud to have found a place on his own. Eddie had been glad that Richie had found a place for himself, why that was, he didn’t know. Eddie had thought that he envied the boy, because he could live alone while Eddie still had to share a dorm with two other people. Thinking back, it might have been more than envy, but really, it isn’t time to think of that now! Eddie felt stupid for standing there, with his bag, looking at a building. 

He was sure that if someone saw him, they would think he was a creep. He had turned around to leave, when he heard: “Eddie?” 

If Eddie was being honest, he didn’t think of the fact that Richie might see him and right now he didn’t know what to do. Play it cool and pretend that he was just passing by? Or admit that he is somewhat upset and that he kind of wanted to be comforted? Before Eddie could make a decision Richie had already reached out and now he was standing in front of the young man. 

"Eddie? Are you okay?", of course he would notice if something was wrong. 

Eddie nodded and looked his friend in the eye for the first time since he addressed him. 

Richie's eyes were filled with worry where usually there was mischief. He placed his Hand on Eddie's arm, hoping the man would see it as Richie being there for him. 

"Come on, Eddie Spaghetti, you can tell me if something is bothering you, you know that right?", the nickname came over as something reassuring. Eddie chuckled. 

"Nothing's wrong , my mother was being my mother, as always." He figured that would be enough explanation. 

And it was. Richie nodded in understanding and he pointed at his car. "Do you want to go for a ride?" 

"Ehm, sure. But where should I put my stuff ?", Eddie asked, referring to the luggage that was by his side. 

"You can put it in my apartment, I'm guessing you need to have a place to stay so you can stay with me."

"Oh, no, it's fine. I'll a motel or something…" Eddie murmured shyly, not wanting to impose onto Richie. Not that he liked the idea of staying in a motel, in a bed where multiple other people have slept in before. 

"As if Eddie Kaspbark is going to willingly stay in a motel where other people have slept!", Richie laughed, giving the impression that he had read Eddie's previous thought. 

Eddie laughed a long and didn't mind saying anything. He knew that he wouldn't stay in a motel, meaning that he would be staying at Richie's. 

Richie started walking toward the front door and after they had put Eddie's bag in the apartment, they went downstairs again and got into the car. 

"Where too, Mister Eddie Spaghetti?", Richie asked as he started the engine. 

"Where ever you want to go, Richie Trashmouth", Eddie smiled at the man and off they went. 

The ride was quiet, but Eddie liked it that way. He had to admit that it was strange that Richie wasn't blabbing on and on, but he figured he was concentrated on the road.

After a while Richie came to a stop at the side of the road, but there was nothing there, not that Eddie could see. 

"Why are we here, Richie?", Eddie wondered as he looked at the man in the driver's seat. 

"You'll see", was what he replied and got out of the car. Eddie was confused, but trusted his friend and exited the car too. Richie had walked towards the edge of the road and looked before himself. Eddie came closer to Richie and finally understood why Richie had wanted to come here. The view was gorgeous. Derry seemed so beautiful from up here. 

"Richie, what a beautiful view…", Eddie breathed put and Richie nodded in agreement. The both of them were just there and stared at the scenery in front of them. 

Richie turned back to the car and sat down on its hood. "Are we staying here, Rich?", Eddie asked. 

"If you want, Eddie", he replied with a smirk. 

Eddie laughed and sat down next to him on the hood. The two of them were quiet, but it was comfortable. It didn't take long before the sun started setting and to say that the view was breathtaking was the understatement of the year. 

Eddie was sure he was staring with his mouth open wide. Richie's laugh made him realise he must look ridiculous and he shut his mouth, his whole face red from embarrassment. 

The silence continued and for once Eddie missed Richie's rambling, so he decided to speak up. 

"You're kind of freaking me out with this silent treatment", Eddie joked, but it sounded forced and not genuine at all. 

"I just thought you would appreciate the quiet, you always complain about my Trashmouth", he simply said. 

Oh… That wasn't something Eddie had expected. 

"I… I never mean that. I thought you knew that it was a joke", Eddie murmured guilty. He never meant to hurt his friend. 

"It's fine", Richie reassured him. 

The silence came back and Eddie couldn't take it. 

"It wasn't just my mother that upset me", he started. 

"Oh, want to talk about it?", Richie suggests and Eddie nodded. He took a deep breath and kept his gaze away from Richie, knowing that he would break if he did look at the boy he loved. 

"I got home from university today and as soon as I got inside she started ordering me around. She didn't even ask how my trip was", Eddie said sadly. 

"She wasn't alone, Pennywise was there."

"Pennywise!?", Richie exclaimed. Eddie nodded. 

"And you know how Pennywise is, he was saying stuff, but what hurt me is that mum agreed with him. I know she isn't the nicest. But you know after my coming out she didn't kick me out so I took that as a win. But no, she just thought that it was a mental breakdown and that I liked participating with "trends". ", Eddie was now shaking, he clenched his hand in a fist. He then hissed in pain as it was the hand that he had used to hit the table.

"I also kind of hit my fist against the table in the spur of the moment", he muttered.  At that Richie laughed and took the hand into his own and pressed a light kiss on it. Eddie's face heated up and he avoided making any eye contact. 

"I am so sorry, Eddie, they both can suck it. They are old, bigoted people and they don't change their mind that easily. ", Richie then said, his lips still against Eddie's knuckles. 

Eddie nodded, but he felt so helpless. His eyes were tearing up and he knew that he wouldn't be able to hold tears a second time today. It was when Richie wrapped his arms around his frail shoulders that Eddie started crying. 

"It's going to be okay, Eds, I promise", Richie shushed to Eddie and the crying boy felt the need to tell Richie that they had talked about him too. 

"It isn't that that upset me, not really. But Pennywise made a comment about you, after which my mother replied that you were bad influence", Eddie whispered, scared that he would upset Richie. 

"What did he say about me?", Richie asked, not one ounce of worry visible on his face. 

"He called you "one of those fags" and a "bad influence", the words were barely audible and Eddie wasn't sure if Richie had hear what he had said, because there was no reaction for a while. Until Richie started to laugh. Eddie looked at him as if he was going mad. What was happening, he didn't know. 

"At least the clown was right about one thing" 

It took a few seconds for Eddie to process that one sentence and he immediately started arguing. 

"Of course you're not a bad influence, you are one of my best friends and one of the best people I've ever known, don't you dare to suggest that you are a bad influence", Eddie ranted, pissed off, not believing that Richie out of all the people would say that about himself. 

Richie started laughing once more and now Eddie was lost, completely and utterly lost. 

"Why are you laughing now, you asshole!?", Eddie yelled and hit Richard on the arm. 

"Because I meant that he was right about me being a fag, not a bad influence, which was never the truth, by the way. Have you met me, I am the best!", Richie laughed so much he almost fell of the hood of the car. 

Is he joking? What does he mean by that? Why the hell would he say that? The questions raced through Eddie's mind. 

"Eds, calm down, I can hear the gears turning in your head."

It was Richie that spoke up first and to be honest with you, it did calm Eddie down. 

"I didn't know you were gay?", Eddie settles for that, feeling that it would be better than any other questions running in his head. 

Richie chuckled: "I know, I didn't really realize I was until last summer."

“Oh”

That was the only thing that Eddie could say. He wanted to ask so many things, say so many things, but he couldn’t mutter anything except ‘oh’. 

After that there was silence, comfortable silence, but silence nonetheless. Both men looked at the sky that slowly turned into a night sky, the colors changing from blue to purple to soft pink and orange.

“You know what made me realize I was gay?”, Richie said after a while and Eddie shook his head. Expecting Richie to tell him, he didn’t know why he was met with silence . he turned to look at his friend and saw him biting his lip, a thing he used to do when he was nervous about something. 

“You don’t have to share it with me, it’s something personal and you shouldn’t have-“, Eddie’s sentence was cut of with: “It was you, you made me realize.”

Eddie did not expect that. At all. Richie looked over at his friend, wanting to see his reaction. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes wide. Damn, he looked cute, Richie thought. 

“Come on, say something before I make a fool of myself”, Richie laughed and Eddie wanted to say something, he really did, but no words came out of his mouth 

“Sorry if I made this shit awkward, Eds. Just forget-”

Now it was Richie’s turn to be cut off, not by something Eddie said. No, Richie was cut off by something Eddie did. He had pressed his lips against those of Richie.

Fuck, he is kissing me! Oh, shit, this is really happening!

 Eddie had picked up all the courage that was in him and did something he had wanted to do for years now. And that felt good! God, that felt so good. Richie’s lips were rough under his own, but it was the best kiss he had ever had. Not that it was hard to surpass that, he had only been kissed twice in his life. 

The kiss could have lasted a few seconds, minutes or hours, Eddie had lost all concept of time, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered besides Richie, who was here, kissing him back. 

It is Richie that breaks of the kiss, still holding Eddie’s face. He didn’t know when he had cupped is cheek, but right now he didn’t want to let go of him. 

“You are the one that made me realize too, you know”, Eddie said shyly, as if he didn’t just do the bravest thing he had ever done. There was a faint blush coloring his cheeks and gosh, did he look good! It was amazing how much the person you loved made you feel. And that is what it was, love, because this wasn’t a silly little crush. Richie loved Eddie and he has loved him for years now. It was only this summer, when Eddie was packing for college, ready to leave, that Richie could pinpoint his feelings for his best friend. The thought of losing Eddie had been so painful, he hadn’t understand it at first. It was weird because it didn’t hurt when he thought of his other friends leaving, only Eddie leaving, that hurt as hell. 

And now, Eddie had kissed him, had admitted that Richie was special to him too and that, that gave him enough courage to say: “I love you, Eddie”

No silly nicknames, no joking, just real feelings and for once the truth. 

“Really?”, Eddie choked out, his voice so quiet that Richie had almost missed it. He nodded, pulled Eddie against himself and kissed him, softer now. Tender and slow. Not hard and desperate as the first kiss. 

“I’ve been in love with you since we were 13”, Eddie said, a bit out of breath. Richie pulled Eddie closer, but didn’t kiss him this time. He just wanted to cuddle this amazing man that loved him too! How he got so lucky he didn’t know. They stayed that way and it was perfect. Stars started to appear and honestly, that was even more beautiful than the sundown. 

It is when Eddie starts to shiver that Richie suggested that they went back to his place and Eddie quickly agreed. The drive back was quiet too, but felt so different from the ride to the spot they would both see as their own. 

Richie held Eddie’s throughout the whole drive and god, did his hand feel good in Eddie’s. He still couldn’t believe that Richie was his now. Sure it may be dumb to assume that Richie wanted a relationship, but this is what it felt like. 

What if Richie didn’t want a long term relationship like Eddie wanted so badly? It is at that moment that the taller of the two spoke up again. 

“I can literally hear you think, Eds”, he laughed. Eddie blushed and looked down to their intertwined hands. 

“I know it’s stupid, but I got to ask . You want a relationship, right? Not just a one time thing?”

Richie looked over at Eddie, the man he loved, the one he had always admired, his closest friend. 

“Yes, Eddie . I really want you to be my boyfriend and to that extend, for me to be your boyfriend.” 

Eddie blushed again and smiled at Richie, his boyfriend. He knew that even though his mum would never change, even though there are some nasty people out there, he will be alright. 

Because he has Richie, just like he always had.