#elon musk has sex with farm animals

[kallofox34]

The Twitter bird is understandably shaken.

[lulu2992]

What I learned listening to Far Cry 5′s audio files

The game’s lore, as told by its characters.

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Zip Kupka

Biography

Zip believes in a lot of conspiracy theories but prefers to call them “conspiracy facts”. He says that:

The government brainwashes people through food, movies, TV, and video games. They’re all the same and everything is a sequel because it’s all propaganda. Companies are all sent the same templates. Among the “goblins”, there are seven “ultraliberals” who write everything

The government feeds people their agenda through TV. They market sugar cereals and cartoon to kids because they cause a dopamine spike and their mind control then becomes “hard-wired as a pleasurable experience”

Kids’ cartoon is full of submissive, cowardly characters with a police-state type of mentality being the norm

Thanks to the current technology, “the elite” can size up any person and customize their brainwashing. This is made easier by the fact everybody connected to a mobile device has an electronic profile somewhere

There are no children in Hope County but there are baby farms in Silicon Valley. Elon Musk even has one. They harvest them for body parts and the unhealthy one end up in pit fights. He knows because he discovered the box scores coded in Oprah’s book club

The Apocalypse is just a distraction and the world is not coming to an end. It’s a demonically driven government ploy, a scare tactic to pull our attention away from what the government is really plotting: the EEM (Eradication of Electronic Money)

Tower 7 (World Trade Center) was destroyed by thermite charges

There are black helicopters that only come out at night so we can’t see them. We can hear them if we listen carefully, though

Global warming is a ruse created by China to torpedo US manufacturing

“Government fuckery” also includes chemtrails, weather manipulation, pesticides, and genetic modifications.

As for the current situation in Hope County, Zip believes that:

Eden’s Gate is “a clandestine plot of the globalist cabal of demonic interdimensional goblin vampires to erode the belief in Christianity and God to usher in the Apocalypse”

There are no baby animals anymore because the Bliss has turned all animals homosexual. Frogs are now having massive orgies

Joseph is charismatic because he’s been speech trained. “The pitch, the tempo, the way the words roll off his gentle lips, his mannerisms” are proof he was sent by the government

It’s because the people of Hope County have always been a thorn in the government’s side that they sent Eden’s Gate

John’s “atheist masters” use his bunker for sexual rituals

Eden’s Gate got bombs full of nanites that make humans sterile from the US Army.

Zip claims that he predicted the roadblocks and everything that’s happening in the county. He believes we need to put a stop to the Satanists before they steal people’s life force. Even though he’s worried about all animals turning homosexual, he insists he has nothing against homosexuality and says his brother, who’s gay, is “a great man with a wonderful family”. Zip has been to paradise in the late nineties… or so he says.

Comments about other characters

He would normally say “fuck the police” but the Deputy is alright. He’s happy that Boomer is a “real dog”, one a cowboy could have, and not like those that live in purses. According to him, dogs are smarter and more loyal than people. Cheeseburger is communist because all bears are, even Yogi. Bears also are “the Soviets’ choice”. As for Peaches, she’s “gay from drinking tap water” and now susceptible to mind control because she ate cultists. Cats are the pets of the Illuminati but they can also naturally sense interdimensional globalists.

He says people are lucky Larry is here to keep an eye on outer space.

He thinks Jacob is “bitter”, “mean”, and that the only people following him are the submissive types.

Other characters’ point of view

Adelaide had sex with him once and it was terrible. “Worst lay of my life”, she says, “like a dead fish”.

Grace says he can fix everything but tends to upsell.

Hurk Jr. says Zip loves Clutch Nixon and that he told Hurk Sr. about global warming being a ruse created by China.

Mary May hates him and his theories.

He told Nick that the CDC or the CIA invented a pill to ensure his baby comes out a boy and Nick wants one.

Zip once told Sharky that a race of evil machines coming from spider eggs lives on Mars and that they want to eradicate humanity. Sharky just asked him what the name of his drug dealer was. He also told him 9/11 was perpetrated by interdimensional vampires.

Surprisingly, Willis says he’s right about a lot of things. He explains the government has “a tracking software” that identifies conspiracy theorists and rates them. Zip is a “4.3”. Willis confirms he’s right about the situation on Mars, about the government trying to brainwash people, and about the end of the world usually being a distraction. Eden’s Gate apparently wasn’t sent by the government, though.

Several NPCs add he’s been trying to build a Clutch Nixon museum for years because he’s a fan. A woman remembers she used to see him hiding in the bushes just staring at the livestock. Zip tried to convince everyone that death wasn’t real and that, when you die, everything goes black for a few seconds but then you just pop back into the world as if nothing happened. Having him as a neighbor is terrible because he always burns or blows up things.

[skies-diary]

The more I think about it, the more I think we should stop sending our children to school past grade 5.

More under the cut. TW for suicide mention, mental illness, gun violence mention, and assault mention.

Of course education is important, but schools dont really educate; not anymore. At least, "higher learning" like middle / high school and college don't. I can think of only two classes in grades 6-12 that I've ever used in my day to day life, and those were sex ed (which was comprehensive for me, but which many schools in the US arent even allowed to have on the syllabus) and home economics. The rest were really just full of meaningless facts that I was forced to memorize and that I likely won't remember by ten years after graduation.

It's not that I think people should be uneducated. It's that as early as 100 years ago, people wouldn't send children to school before they were six years old, and now preschools start enrollment at six weeks old. Its that I learned very little in my teenage years that I would ever use in my adult life. Its that school contributed to my depression and anxiety that started at age 11 when I was in sixth grade, and that I'm still struggling with today.

More than anything else, though, while elementary school taught to read and write and made learning a part of life, sixth grade and up made me hate learning. It taught me that learning is a chore to finish and be done with so you can do "fun things". It taught me that if you can't get something right on the first try, you're bad at it and theres no point trying. More than trying to get me ready to choose my own path in life, school was focused on three things; fidelity to country, unconditional respect and obedience to authority, and capitalism training.

Fidelity to country: Every single day started with the pledge of allegiance. Some kids didnt stand for it, and I wish I'd been one of them. On veterans day my senior year, our first hour teacher told the class that any students that didnt stand for the pledge that day would be sent to the office for "disciplinary action". After the pledge, the whole class was escorted down the hall to the room of a teacher who was also a veteran, and we all had to stand in a line to shake his hand and thank him for his service. At age 17, I didn't think that was too strange. At age 23, having lived through Trump's presidency and seen what nationalism and extremism looks like more clearly, I find it much more off-putting than before.

Unconditional respect for authority: For me, this really started in second grade. After first grade, I was transferred to a new school which was poorly managed. The school was understaffed and overcrowded, classrooms were wildly out of ratio and teachers were overwhelmed. My brother, in kindergarten, hardly knew how to spell his name by the end of the year, and that's only because he had extra-curricular support.

The school avoided any and all accountability by having a policy of "the teacher is always right", therefore placing all responsibility on the students for any learning difficulties they encountered. The school board thankfully let my siblings and I transfer to a more competent and less crowded school after I was physically assulted by another student (a boy from another class who tried to suffocate me), and my parents threatened a lawsuit against the district.

The expectation for unfailing respect was amplified in high and middle school, from the constant police presence in schools to the draconian dress code regulations to teachers who treated their profession like a power trip. I did have a lot of good teachers, but others acted like being a teacher gave them license to act like a drill sergeant.

Capitalism training: this is very different than career training. Career training would have taught us marketable, useful skills. Rather, my school district got us ready for the workforce by having us sit at a desk for eight hours a day, delegating us tasks to be completed in a set amount of time, or we'd have life-altering repercussions. We were young adults who had little to no say in how we spent our day to day lives. I feel like these things contributed a lot to spending my teenaged years feeling like I had no direction in life; a feeling that persists in adulthood and has caused me untold distress, from difficulty in career choice to suicidal ideation.

As a teen, I didn't really understand the point of it all. However, it seems fairly obvious as an adult. School was training for corporate life. Modern American schools are turning out kids who have very few life skills, who are primed to sit at a desk for 8 hours, completing largely meaningless tasks and putting up with bullshit from authority figures whom they know better than to question.

In my personal experience, everything past grade 5 had nothing to do with education; rather, it was a nearly decade-long indoctrination ritual to prepare children to take their place as an employee and "contribute to society" under Late Stage Capitalism. It's framed as a necessary part of life, but the truth is that historically, parents, extended family and community were the forces that educated children. They taught them the life skills useful to their time and culture. Today, for example, technological literacy is needed, but a Native American child in 1500 would have learned how to hunt, how to mend, and how to build shelter. A child in 4000 BC Egypt would have likely learned to grown plants in the Nile Delta and care for farm animals.

Learning is a part of life. Human brains are supercomputers that can recognize patterns like nothing else in the world. No teacher has to sit down a typically developing child and teach them to speak; they learn through daily life. Humans didn't learn to make fire in lecture hall. We're naturally curious and eager to learn as children, but after going through school, very few adults retain this enthusiasm.

I used to be able to read three novels in an afternoon. Now I struggle to finish a chapter. This shift did not come about until age 11, the same year I entered middle school.

Children go to school now because there is rarely any other choice. In most American families, both parents work, and if a child is in a single-parent household, it's even less likely they have a stay-at-home parent. This symptom of Late Stage Capitalism (parental absense) causes children to grow into adults indoctrinated into the system, which is causatious of Late Stage Capitalism. It's a cycle that can be hard to break.

But we have to do something. Education reform, finding a way to homeschool / educate through community, or even just stop having kids. I haven't had any children yet because I dont want to raise my babies to be corporate slaves for the Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk of their generation.

Because as it stands right now, America's schoolchildren that aren't gunned down by angry white men are coming out the other side of graduation depressed, directionless, and with one of the highest suicide rates (second leading cause of death for Gen Z) in human history.

What American schools are doing isn't just not working, it's purposefully malicious. We need to change.

[immedtech]

The Morning After: Meet the R2-D2 Instant Pot

Hey, good morning! You look fabulous.

Before we take a quick Thanksgiving break (yes, The Morning After will return for Black Friday) it's time for an extremely normal newsletter filled with Star Wars cookware, VR-equipped cows and auto execs feeding their egos.

Williams Sonoma has combined two fanbases.Star Wars-themed Instant Pots look like R2-D2, BB-8 or Darth Vader

Once you've stocked up on Han Solo Carbonite Le Creuset cooking ware, it's time for a themed Instant Pot. The perfect overlap of holiday shopping and aggressive Disney marketing. You can get the BB-8-styled Duo Mini 3QT for $79.95, while a $99.95 six-quart version comes in three different paint jobs: Darth Vader, R2-D2 or Storm Trooper. The Star Wars Instant Pot Duo 8QT is the largest one, with a Chewbacca look, and it costs $119.95. Or you can get a standard, boring one for close to half the price in Black Friday sales.

The battle will have to wait.Ford will pass on a tug-of-war with Tesla's Cybertruck

After Elon Musk exchanged words with Ford exec Sundeep Madra over an F-150 vs. Cybertruck rematch, a Ford spokesperson told TechCrunch "Sunny's tweet was tongue in cheek to point out the absurdity of Tesla's video, nothing more." While the car company has hybrid and full-electric versions of its truck in the works, for now at least, it's not trying to correct the record against Tesla's prototype truck.

Maybe they're happier in virtual fields?Yes, these Russian cows are wearing VR headsets

Moscow-area farmers have strapped modified VR headsets to cows to see if it improved their mood -- and, of course, their milk production. The project simulated a summer field with colors tuned for the animals' eyes, giving them a decidedly more pleasing landscape than a plain, confining farm and grey weather. The headsets were even adapted to the "structural features" of cows' heads so they could see properly.

It appears to have worked, at least on a basic level. The first test apparently reduced the cows' anxiety and boosted their overall sentiment -- though I wonder how they tested that. While it's not certain how well this affects the quality or volume of milk, there are plans for a more "comprehensive" study to answer that question.

Osé offers 'blended orgasms' and is available for pre-order now.The controversial sex toy that shook up CES 2019 is finally ready

Osé is the sex toy that received a CES Innovation Award, lost it and then won it back again. The device sparked a debate about gender bias in the tech industry and what can and cannot be exhibited at the world's biggest tech trade show. Now, a year removed from making headlines across the world, the device is finally available for pre-order.

CES 2020 will allow sextech companies to exhibit their "tech-based sexual products" so long as they can demonstrate the products are innovative and "include new or emerging tech." It will also partner with Female Quotient to launch a space at the show to "advance gender equality." The body has also outlined a new dress code designed to dissuade "sexually revealing" clothing to hopefully cut down on the appearances of booth babes.

Pre-orders for Osé begin today for people signed up to the creator's mailing list, with orders opening to the general public on December 2nd. It'll cost $290 and is expected to begin shipping in four to six weeks, which is likely the middle of January.

Mods that include pirated content could be on the way out.Facebook buys 'Beat Saber' creator Beat Games

Last week, we learned that Valve is about to release a Half-Life game on Steam VR platforms, and now Facebook's Oculus unit has purchased the makers of popular VR game Beat Saber. For now, Beat Games is saying it will continue to support the game on all platforms, but we'll be watching to see if their next title is an Oculus-exclusive experience.

But wait, there's more...

Analysis suggests Disney+ doesn't stream 'The Mandalorian' in true HDR

Disney+ makes it easier to pick up shows where you left off

Netflix won't back a new season of 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'

Twitter will start deleting inactive accounts in December

Sony's best noise-cancelling headphones are on sale at Amazon

The 2020 Volkswagen Passat is a basic car with basic tech

AMD's 64-core Threadripper 3990X CPU arrives in 2020

Pringles built a ridiculous gaming headset that feeds you chips

The Morning After is a new daily newsletter from Engadget designed to help you fight off FOMO. Who knows what you'll miss if you don't Subscribe.

Craving even more? Like us on Facebook or Follow us on Twitter.

Have a suggestion on how we can improve The Morning After? Send us a note.

- Repost from: engadget Post

[jodiwalker]

A Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: They Would Do Anything for Love (And They Will Do THAT)

There comes a time in every 20-something's life…when they must take a season off from The Bachelor franchise. For me, that season was Nick. Not because I don't like Nick—I find him no better or worse than any Bachelor(ette) who has come before him. (Actually I find him better because, uh, I'm pretty sure Prince Farming recently killed a guy).

I just needed a break. Yes I know about Corrinne. Yes, I stand in awe and fear of her. Yes, she has a perfectly round head-shape like a peanut M&M when they forget to put the peanut in that I don't trust, but do tend to admire, a la Stassi from Vanderpump Rules. Though it left a gaping hole in my heart—as if I was forgetting to eat breakfast every single day, and that missing breakfast was made of thigh gaps and man-tears—it was good for me. I return refreshed, and more importantly, completely clueless about what to expect from Rachel, or as I have taken to calling her: the Rachelorette (pronounced R8chelorette).

The only thing I can remember about Rachel from the brief glimpses I caught of Nick's season is that she got the First Impression Rose of Doom and I once saw her in a full-out sprint and not a single part of her body jiggled. From what I understand, she remained charming throughout and some issues of race were (not awfully) addressed in her hometown visit. I have to imagine that conversation went something like this:

Rachel's parents, in unison:  Nick, we can't help but notice that you're white. And also, that our daughter is way out of your league.

Nick: But—

Rachel's parents, alternating back and forth every other word: Yes, even now that you're two percent body fat and there's something different about your face that we can't quite put our finger on.

Rachel: Ha, you right, fam. See ya, Nick, I'm about to be the first black Bachelorette!

Nick: And I…I will take my last titular stand in Dancing With the Stars where I will wear more sequins and bronzer than any Bachelorette could ever dream of.

Since I clearly know very little about Rachel, I also expect very little out of her, which is kind of nice. Rachel can be a robot and it won't really matter—in fact, since she's from Dallas, a place solely populated by gallerias that smell like fancy fountains and hot young women that also smell like fancy fountains (lookin’ at you, JoJo), it will make perfect sense if she's just an average, smart, attractive woman. But she's also the first black lead in the Bachelor franchise, so y’know, the producers will probably run this entire freight train into the ground trying to be cool about that.

Unfortunately, unlike the contestant bios which are full of enlightening questions like "What fruit would you be if you could be any fruit?" and "What brand of high-end blender would you be I you could be any brand of high-end blender?" the Bachelorette's bio is just four paragraphs of excruciating prose. And since Rachel is an attorney, hers is 80 percent lawyer puns, 15 percent conjunctions, 5 percent her own name, and exactly 0 percent concentrated power of will. What I learned is that. 1.) Rachel went to the University of Texas, which checks out because it's almost easier to imagine her with a tiny temporary tattoo of a burnt orange longhorn on her cheek than without, and 2.) "Winning in court has never been a problem, but finding love is a case that unfortunately remains open." Yeesh.

So, let's, uh, call this court to order by meeting all 31 of the, uh, romantic prosecutors who have been, uh, subpoenaed in this case of, uh, LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE. Nailed it.

This isn’t necessarily the all-around hottest group of suitors we've ever had. But it is the most diverse. And that's because Rachel is a minority, so ABC will let her date another minority: a black guy, an Asian guy, a Latino guy…hell, she could even choose a white guy if she wants (but they will withhold her daily allotment of Snackwells if she tries to pull any of that shit). They're so open-minded this season, you guys. Honestly! They're very cool with what Caitlyn Jenner is up to; they retweet DeRay sometimes; some of their best friends went to the Women's March.

And while they may have curiously kept Rachel a blank slate in the marketing leading up to her season, all the jacked dudes trying to woo her come pre-packaged with a whole slew of questions by which to judge them. Pretty much every single one of them says they're 6'2 or taller, they're all obsessed with the Rock, Denzel Washington and Matthew McConaughey, like, six of them have inner-lip tattoos, and I don't know if Rachel requested that they all be sexual deviants, or if this is just the Freak House that Kaitlyn Bristowe Built, but everyone has gotten up to some real weird shit in the bedroom. So without further ado…

Rachel's Top 12 Most Interesting Men (according to a questionnaire completed under a distorting blanket of warm Jägermeister served in a plastic cup by producers who lured you out of a food court Sbarro with promises of love and more deli meat than one could ever imagine, plus, if you mention Elon Musk in your questionnaire, everyone will think you're smart, and also, if you say no to doing this, you're probably at least a little subconsciously racist, just something to think about—alright, see ya in Calabasas, buddy!) in no particular order:

Adam—Real Estate Agent, 27

When asked what his typical Saturday night looks like, Adam responded, "Well if it's not with my couch, then I would go out with some friends for dinner and go out to a bar or club for drinks, maybe late night tacos." Dude…you know that sounds like you're fucking your couch. You know that. Adam also said the most romantic gift he's ever received is a threesome for his birthday. Just him, his little lady, and that sweet, sweet couch.

DeMario—Executive Recruiter, 30

Excuse me as I half claim DeMario as my 2017 boyfriend, and half assess him as my 2017 nemesis because he might be the person I wish I was. DeMario's description of himself during social outings is like if a Kanye tweet (RIP) had an exclamation point baby with a Cher tweet: "100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let's fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it's 1999!!!!" It could only be better if he threw a little Jaden-existentialism in the mix. And if those are all references you understand, you will also appreciate DeMario's thoughts on being the center of attention: "I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits." Oh, you mean MY PERMANENT TWITTER THEME?

DeMario has a real Michael B. Jordan thing going for him, he chose a crew neck t-shirt instead of a v-neck, and he seems to choose to capitalize words or abbreviate them completely at random. I love him and I will make him mine. And who does DeMario hope to make his? His ideal mate is, "Outgoing, people person, funny, crazy, calm, cool, loud, funny, geeky but cool like The Fonz." Who has two thumbs, is standing near a jukebox, and is exactly like that? (Hint: It me.)

Anthony—Education Software Manager, 26

Anthony is too young for Rachel, but he also seems like the smartest one in the bunch. He got a Fulbright Scholarship to teach on the Ivory Coast, he name checks that weird carnivorous island in Life of Pi, his favorite movies are the very well-rounded trio of The Iron Giant, Moonlight and The Matrix, and his ideal mate is intellectual. Also he says he has "virtually no limits" in the bedroom"…so he will let you do butt stuff.

Diggy—Senior Inventory Analyst, 31

Homboy wore Warby Parkers to the beach. And they look good! Homeboy also took us on a wild ride via his questionnaire answers—and that makes sense. I don't think you come by the name Diggy because of your mild demeanor. (However, that this is not a grown-up Diggy Simmons is a disappointment that cannot be overcome.) Diggy begins a lot of his sentences with "Now," and it's hard to tell if he's marking the time or speaking like an elderly southern woman: "Now [chile], I'm trying to recover from the day drinking!" But once you get past that, I find his most embarrassing moment hilarious: "When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade." Tell me everything, I'm dying for more Dig-Diggy-deets!

Now, where I could have used less information is in his "fun story about a one night stand" answer. Diggy explains that he spent all day with a young lady, then she came home with him and they had sex. Then she got a text that her brother was missing, "so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!" Hey Digs, wtf? That girl just gave you her special wonder gift and waited for you during your hours of patented Diggy Toilet Time—help her find her damn brother! [Ed. Note: They better fucking put that one-night-stand question in the next women's questionnaire or I swear…I have no threat. I will watch this show until the day it kills me. But I WILL make a note of it!]

Bryan—Chiropractor, 37

Thirty-seven?! Get it, Bryan! Bryan is cute and a little shifty, and not just because he's a chiropractor (ed. note: sick chiropractor burn from someone who has never, not once, been to a chiropractor). For example, when asked to list his three best attributes, Bryan replies, "Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart." Bryan. You can't just use slashes and act like that isn't seven attributes! Affectionate and passionate are not even remotely synonyms, and if they were, you could just say one. But Bry-Guy fits in all those great attributes, and then one more: Bryan's favorite flower…is an orchid. Haaaaave ya met Bryan? He loves vaginas!

Bryce—Firefighter, 30

We're all on the same page that Bryce is an animated character of some kind, right? Like…he's that thing where a cartoon Easter Bunny turns into a human man and is debatably hot, right? Also, "a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening" is an incredible way to describe yourself as a lover, right? In return, Bryce only asks that his mate have "eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun." I'm gonna be so mad when Bryce is totally boring and gets eliminated the first night, because describing handwritten letters as "one of the purest forms of materialized emotion" is just really not a diction rollercoaster I expected to take in the Bachelorette Bio Breakdown.

Fred—Executive Assistant, 27

"My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school program from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend." Fred says he wants to be Ellen for a day, but he is, in fact, living the life of Hermoine with a Time-Turner. Fred also has the single most question-inducing answer of all the 31 men. When asked if he's ever been turned on at the wrong time, he responds, "Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed." Fred, "times?" How frequently this happening? And why is it always happening away from your desk? Where are you going in your office as an executive assistant that's constantly giving you boners? Are you the executive assistant at PornHub? Is everyone at PornHub constantly having to watch you erection-dash back to your desk: "Uh oh, looks like Fred angled his dangle by the fish tank again." I got my eye on your, Fred.

Kenny—Professional Wrestler, 35

I have it on good authority that Kenny is actually a fairly well-known wrestler, and it is my own personal opinion that Kenny contains multitudes. He has a daughter who he speaks of very sweetly, his favorite book is The New Jim Crow, and he once sent a woman a different edible arrangement for a week. Please don't be a dick, Kenny.

He also thinks he and The Rock are "very much alike," which, I get it—I want to think I'm the most charming, beloved man in the world too. But I'm not the Rock, and neither is Kenny. If he's anywhere close though, I demand he be the next Bachelor. And if not, I propose Kenny be cross-network drafted into The Challenge in what I am calling a "reverse-Miz."

Lucas—Whaboom, 30

Hey Lucas, real quick, what the hell. I don't know if you noticed, but everybody this season has 1950s jobs: doctor, lawyer…professional wrestler. You can't just make a made-up word your profession. You also can't say that your ideal mate would be four different animated characters—Belle, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Jessica Rabbit—three of whom I'm pretty sure are teenagers. In the very weird Facebook Live Chris Harrison did, he described Whaboom for the confused listener: "It's a lifestyle. It's an essence. It's who he is. It's a noun, it's a verb, it's an adverb. You can be Whaboom, you can be Whaboomed, and you can Whaboom." Hey Chris Harrison, you know what else is a lifestyle? Zippin' it.

Jonathan—Tickle Monster, 31

Which brings us to Jonathan and his stab at being the person with a weird job—sorry bro, who could have known Lucas was going to swoop in with Whaboom, spawning, like, 100 Bustle posts. Like "Twins" and "Dog Lover" before him, Jonathan has given himself an occupation that is not a thing, but my assumption is he's a pediatrician or something. Either that, or he, a.) plays the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street and auto correct really did a number on him, b.) is a real creep. Jonathan does go on to specify that he usually lasts a long time in the bedroom…"in a good way." But when your profession is Tickle Monster, "a good way" really starts to feel relative.

I truly could not have made this joke better myself than this person on The Bachelorette Facebook page:

Blake K—U.S. Marine Veteran, 29

Blake K is very cute and very basic, and Rachel should marry him and have very beautiful children together. The man would want Chipotle on the desert island that exists only in these questionnaires; he loves The Rock and Shark Week; he admires his mom more than anyone else in the world, and his ideal mate has a great smile. Blake K will get voted off the first night or he will win, there is no in between.

Jack Stone—Attorney, 32

Finally, Jack Stone. Jack Stone gives exactly no explanation for why he is going by Jack Stone, and his job is listed as "attorney," not "super-secret antihero agent played by Matt Damon and/or Liam Neeson," so I'm at a loss. There are no other Jacks. No one else lists a last name. Is it a double name? If he gets eliminated before we find out, I will never forgive Rachel…and neither will Jack Stone. Jack Stone has a very particular set of skills, Rachel. Skills he's acquired over a long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Rachelorette. If you let him stay until the second cocktail party, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you, but if you don't, he will look for you…he will find you and he will kill you.

Best of luck to you, Rachel. I hope none of these weirdos try to wear you like a coat or have a threesome with a couch or make you bounce with them in a moonwalk castle, or whatever. See you back here, friends, for intermittent recaps that will absolutely never be posted in a timely manner. Because I would do anything for you, dear reader—but I won't do that.