#emmett's delighted he might get a real brother out of jasper

[goldeneyedgirl]

@sonyawix listen, at this point, I'm moving Anathema up in the fic schedule because the ideas are Occurring and I am having so much fun with this fic right now.

We have a hot few things to get through before Jasper gets that hug. But he's definitely established Esme as an ally in getting closer to Alice. Because she remembers when they met him, and the truth is they were suspicious and afraid of him. He's been the first line of defense for the Cullen family since he joined them. And yes, he's their brother and 'son', but Esme can't deny what he's saying and she's heartbroken that it's true.

And like, Jasper definitely gets his hug. They end up fucking on an autopsy table, and the hug comes way before that.

I really need a proper outline and a timeline for this fic immediately. There are so many moving parts, we're gonna have a great time!

[volturialice]

Spork Haven chapter 19: hur-fucking-rah

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward went to NYC and yelled at hotel maid!Bella a lot and it was shitty! this somehow led to them confessing their love for each other! thanks, I hate it!

chapter 19 starts with Edward on the phone with his agent/bodyguard whatever, Taylor, who if you’ll recall is the exact same character from fifty sh@des. he tells Taylor why he’s in NYC and what’s been going on with Bella. Taylor offers to make Bella a star, which Edward turns down on her behalf because he doesn’t think it’d be “her bag.”

yeah, because he doesn’t know her at all. the only things he knows about Bella are that she likes cellos and his dick him. (no really, that’s actually in the text.)

Taylor advises Edward to keep his relationship under wraps, both for publicity reasons and because he’s worried Edward might be "at risk” from the bad guys who are after Bella.

ah yes, that’s the spirit. he keeps calm and carries on, flying back to Vegas to be ready for another day of work.

that night he is awakened from his “delicious fucking erotic dream about little Bella Swann” by a call from none other than the delicious little orphan herself. he asks her if she’ll come with him as his date to an awards show in LA the day after tomorrow. she responds “like a date?” as if this is a huge new concept. apparently these characters do not remember that they’ve already BEEN ON A GODDAMN DATE.

yes. she has. WITH YOU, FUCKFACE. remember that thing with the lake picnic? Edward dressing up like a maintenance guy? the classic stupid EL James Erotic Elevator Kiss™? why are they acting like this will be their first date when they already made a huge honking deal out of their actual lame first date?? I don’t know but I hate them (and erika) more than ever.

Bella tells Edward the reason she’s never been on a date before (🤬) is because her grandmère didn’t let her date boys (or girls. sorry, Edythe.) then she says

now, I really want to like this line, because it hearkens back to one of my all time favorite Edward lines in canon, where he tells Bella the reason he’s so good at piano and languages etc is because he had to pass the time while the rest of the Cullens were off fucking each other’s brains out.

but I CAN’T because of the STUPID CONTEXT of this ASININE FIC whose author apparently can’t even remember the things SHE HERSELF WROTE a few chapters ago.

anyway, Bella says she’ll ask Emmett and Jasper if she can fly to LA for a date with Edward. I hope they say yes but only on the condition that they get to come too and sit between Edward and Bella the whole time.

Edward is in a great mood the next day because it’s Tanya’s last day on set. “Hur-fucking-rah,” says Edward (no, really.) he gets Eric (hi Eric!) to 

you know what would be a better way to cut ties with Tanya and discourage her from assaulting you in public? not buying her a present.

just saying. 

anyway Eric buys Tanya an antique mirror, which Edward finds “very apt.” get it? it’s because she’s old and vain. in unrelated news, I am going to buy erika an antique mirror for christmas.

Edward has a fun day on set because Mike’s teen daughters come to visit and he gets to show them around. you’d think Mike would’ve learned to keep any child of his far, far away from Safe Haven!Edward by now, but apparently not.

when Edward gets back to his hotel room, surprise! Bella is there! she is wearing “fuck—a skirt.” Edward is very happy about this

mmm. sexy.

idk about y’all but nothing gets me going like a nice complex simile about a specific big ol’ concrete barrier that holds back water.

anyway they kiss and stuff, Bella tells Edward that the criminal trial she’s a witness in is taking some days off so she’s flown in for the weekend, and they kiss some more.

then we get another classic erika Infantilize-Then-Sexualize moment, of the slightly more unusual self-directed variety

yikes. while they are making out, Edward asks Bella if Emmett and Jasper came with her (they did), referring to them as “the Chuckle Brothers.”

now I, unfortunately, have never been a British child, so I had to google the real life Chuckle Brothers. they did not disappoint:

from now on I will be picturing these two dudes whenever Emmett and Jasper are mentioned. no further questions.

anyway, Edward and Bella start to get it on

I would make y’all another sideburns moodboard but I can’t. not again. i’m...not strong enough.

anyway, they go on to have sex in a seriously dull passage about which only two things are notable:

1. the writing is beyond atrocious. like. there’s not a comma IN SIGHT. here’s a real sentence, copied and pasted directly:

I free her hair bringing my hands down to the sides of her breasts and with my thumbs I pull each of the cups of her bra down freeing her breasts and they’re forced up by the under wire of her bra pointing directly at me.

try reading that out loud without pausing for breath at any point. I dare you.

2. they don’t use a condom.

jesus h. christ on a cracker, if erika gives these characters a baby then as god is my witness I will call cps

best “fucks”

“fucking glee”

“an unexpected fucking delight” (bella)

“fucking innocent” (bella)

“anxious as fuck” (bella)

“a fucking girl” (edward)

“completely fucking blank” (edward’s mind)

next chapter: a fucking moron

[allicekitty13]

The Shopaholic And The Emo.

A Twilight fanfic I started almost a decade ago. I recently got back into the fandom and am trying to revive this :)

Summary:

Alice Brandon is lonely. Watch what happens when she finds common ground in fellow weirdo Jasper Whitlock.

Find on: AO3

FF.Net

Full story under the read more. 

Notes:

Hi, so this is my first upload to AO3. I originally posted this on FF.net roughly 10 years ago with my then best friend. I’m working to bring it up to date and make it more readable. It will be a work in progress as there were quite a few plot holes we didn’t see at 15. But that being said it was well received when it was first posted and I hope to make it even better.

And Katie, The Bella to my Alice. If you see this and it catches your eye… I’m sorry, for everything. I’m not sure how to contact you, or what I would even say. But I miss you everyday. I truly hope one day we can be friends again, maybe we can even finish this together.

Now enough preamble on with the show!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

I was in the cafeteria eating lunch with Bella and Rosalie. Well, to be honest with myself, I was definitely trying to eat lunch with Bella and Rosalie. It was made a bit difficult by Rosalie unabashedly flirting with a new student she’d met that morning. I quickly decided it would be easier to finish my meal without the distraction and began to scope the outdoor seating area for another table. It didn’t take me long to spot an unfamiliar face in the corner sitting under a tree. He was by himself with no lunch tray absentmindedly paging through a book. I decided today was a good day to make a new friend and made my way over.

“Alice?” I heard the voice of one of my best friends from behind me. I turned to see Edward, who had clearly just left the lunch line. “Where are we going?”

“Well, I don’t have the slightest idea where you’re going, but I’m getting far away from your cousin and her new friend.” I gestured to our usual table where my step sister was staring at us. “Look, Rose is making me a bit nauseous. I’m going to try and make some new friends. Go sit with Bella, we both know she doesn’t like being alone with Rose.”

Edward followed my gaze and nodded in agreement. “You make a good point, I’ll see you later.”

“Bye,” I giggled, watching him dutifully stride over to Bella’s side. I then turned and continued over the mysterious boy under the tree. “Mind if I sit here?”

He curiously looked up at me. “Sure, I guess.” He tentatively responded with a smooth southern drawl. Delighted, I sat criss-cross in the grass across from him. He’d looked interesting from across the way, but being up close gave me pause. He had near glowing blonde hair and crystal green eyes. He wore long sleeves despite the August heat. “So… are you just going to stare at me or…?”

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, feeling myself begin to blush.

“Are you really? Because if you’ve come over here to make fun of me, you can take your leave.”

“No!” I exclaimed. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t come over here to be mean. Look, we’re off to a bad start. My name is Alice Brandon.”

He took a moment and looked at me appraisingly. “Jasper Whitlock.”

“Oh, Whitlock. Is Emmett your brother then?” I gestured over at Rosalie and the boy.

He nodded, “Yeah, you a friend of his? Did he send you to check on me?”

“Honestly, I haven’t had much of a chance to talk to him. Although, it seems he and Rosalie are getting along well.

"Who’s Rosalie?”

“I guess, a friend? She’s Edward’s cousin, so we hang out. Honestly, we don’t really get along. She thinks I’m weird, and I think she’s a bitch.” I giggled.

“Edward, Your boyfriend?”

“Oh, Lord, no!” I had to laugh. “No, he’s been my neighbor and best friend since we were kids. Also, he’s dating Bella, my step-sister.”

“Cool”

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

“I don’t” He smiled. “You do, don’t you.”

“Generally. To be fair, you’re quite easy to talk to.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“So… why did you think I came over to make fun of you? And why would your brother send me to check on you.”

“You ask a lot of questions, Alice Brandon.” He said as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.

“Well it was nice talking to you, I hope we have some classes together.” I stood and made my way over to the locker I shared with Bella.

“Hey, girl.” She said as she grabbed her books. “So, what was with you at lunch?”

“For real!” Rosalie chimed in as she opened her own locker. “You totally ditched us for that weird kid.”

“I don’t know… he seemed lonely and interesting.” I gave her a look of suspicion. “Why? You haven’t been giving him a hard time, have you?” I didn’t hate Rosalie. But she was pretty, and she knew it. She had this habit of being awful to people if she thought they were beneath her.

“Ugh, you have got to be kidding me, he’s a weirdo sweetie.”

“Weren’t you the one who said we should make the school a welcoming environment to new students?”

“When did I say that?”

“3rd-period gym when you ditched me as your partner for Emmett!”

“Ok, you’re going to make me late and arguing causes wrinkles. Just don’t become weirder than you already are. It’s embarrassing enough hanging around you already.” She flipped her hair with a note of finality and strutted off to her next class.

“Look, Alice,” Bella said, “I think it’s sweet that you have a crush on that kid, don’t listen to Rose.”

“Who said anything about a crush?” I rolled my eyes, and we took off down the hall. “I just thought he seemed interesting. Besides, Rosalie was making me a bit sick.”

“Whatever you say, sweetie,” She laughed as we turned into history. She managed to trip over her own feet and slid into her shared desk with Rosalie, knocking everything off in the process.

“BELLA!” Rosalie screeched. “What are you doing! Anyway, I need you to sit somewhere else today. I promised Emmett my seat.”

“I mean, Ok then…”

“You can sit with me, Bella.” Edward swooped in, seeing the uncomfortable look on his girlfriend’s face. “Assuming Alice is fine with giving up her seat.”

Bella shot me a pleading look, and I gave in. “Fine, but I won’t be happy about it.” I took a look around the room and spotted an empty seat next to none other than Jasper. “Actually, this might be Ok.”

“Why the sudden change of heart?” Edward asked.

“Our little Alice has a little crush on Emmett’s brother.” Bella laughed.

“Oh my God, Bella! First of all, he has a name. It’s Jasper. Secondly, I don’t have a crush on him! I’m just trying to make new friends.” I shot her a look a headed off his direction. “Hey Jasper, mind if I sit with you again? See, Rosalie gave your brother Bella’s spot. So Edward gave Bella my spot, which I guess is Ok cause I like talking to you. Well, I guess I like talking at you because you don’t really say much. But I guess the point is, do you mind if I sit here?”

“Did you breath at all there?”

“No? I’m sorry, I talk too much. I can shut up. Unless you don’t want me to shut up. Cause I can talk for hours, I…”

“Alice. It’s fine. Sit… and maybe breathe.” I took a deep breath and slid into the seat next to him. “I actually don’t mind talking to you.” He paused. “Maybe we should hang out sometime if you’re going to be following me around anyway.”

“Oh, I’m sorry if you think I’m following you around. I can leave you alone if you’d like.”

“Alice, I was joking. About the following me around, not the hanging out.”

“Oh,” I smiled “Sure, we should go to the mall sometime or something.”

“MISS BRANDON!” My attention was grabbed by a loud voice calling my name from the front of the room. “I do believe we’ve discussed you’re talking in my classroom.”

“Of course, Mr. Binns. I’m sorry.”

“And Mr. Whitlock, not a good first impression. I assume it won’t happen again.” With that, he turned to the whiteboard and resumed his lesson. I lowered my head and began taking notes. After a moment, Jasper slid a note over to me. ‘Thanks for getting me in trouble in my favorite class ;)’ I blushed and tried to pay attention.

The class seemed to drag on, but eventually, the bell rang. “Hey,” Jasper turned to me as we were collecting our things. “I hope you know I’m not really upset. The note and all.”

“Yeah, the analog emoji kind of tipped me off. I am sorry for getting you in trouble. I’m terrible in history, so Mr. Binns and I don’t really get along. I think he takes it personally. He’s been here so long I’m pretty sure he’s lived most of it.” I laughed at my own terrible joke.

Jasper smiled at me. “Well, I wasn’t kidding when I said it’s my favorite. Maybe I could tutor you?”

“I’d like that,” I said, “Here I’ll give you my number, we could set something up.”

Notes:

I just want to say that, at this point the title has little to do with the actual story. Emo was a much bigger trend when this was originally written. I don’t talk to the co-writer much anymore and I’m tentative to make many changes to things she originally came up with, such as the title.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this, if anyone has any constructive comments I’m happy to hear them. Thank you for taking the time to read this work.

Oh, and props if you caught the Harry Potter reference.

[panlight]

if the hybrids developed at a normal human rate or slower than humans and there was no risk to the human woman, what couples of known vampires would like to try to become parents by means of a surrogate?

I think Rosalie and Emmett would definitely be interested, assuming that there was no risk to the human woman (or at least, not greater risk that a normal human pregnancy–there’s always some risk). There may be some part of Rosalie that was always a little sad that she couldn’t have her own biological children, but obviously she is capable of loving and being fiercely loyal to people who are not biological relatives (the Cullens) so she wouldn’t love her adopted child any less, especially if Emmett were the biological father. They might see if they could find some descendant of one of Rosalie’s brothers who might be willing to be a surrogate, and they’d be paid handsomely and well-taken care of by Dr. C. Cullen and Dr. R. Hale. I think Emmett would be stoked to be a dad, too, but doesn’t necessarily have the angst around it that Rosalie does. He’d be all in and loving and fun and supportive, but he could live without kids, too. He’s a Hakuna Matata, que sera sera kind of guy. But he knows this is Rose’s dream so he’s here for it, baby! I think Esme would be less bothered about whether the child was hers (or Carlisle’s) biologically or not. She already had children who are not bio children and she still loves them totally. For her, the sadness comes from missing out on all their milestones: they were all essentially adults when she adopted them. She didn’t get to hold them as a babies or feed them or teach them to walk or talk o any of that.  With the freaky canon hybrids, a lot of that stuff she still wouldn’t really get to do (Renesmee just sort of … figured out how to talk, walk, read etc all by herself, apparently??) but if we’re going with a more humanized version, Esme would be delighted to get to experience all the parenthood moments she’s missed by adopting teens/young adults, and Carlisle would be too. I feel like Esme would be a natural, but there’d be more of a learning curve with Carlisle. Obviously he’s had some experience with children and babies in his medical career, but if he usually works in emergency medicine, or as a surgeon, he’s not necessarily developing long term relationships with kids and watching them grow, he’s just dealing with them on one of the scariest days of their lives, so it’s a different thing. THey might be less eager than Rosalie and Emmett, though, because they’d worry over the implications of ‘creating’ a vampiric entity, I think. This child, however loved (and however more human than the canon variety) is still kind of stuck in a Vampire Lite existence from birth, which might give them pause. Carmen and Eleazar might be interested, too? I’d imagine they’d make good parents. 

I don’t know that Alice and Jasper would be that into it, they’re bother somewhat further removed from their human lives/instincts that the other vegetarians; Alice doesn’t remember her human life at all, and Jasper didn’t have the time to try and cling to any of that stuff during his almost a century in Maria’s eternal war. I think they’d be more likely to take in an abandoned hybrid rather than actively try to conceive one with a surrogate. I think Bella is content with just the one. Renesmee is their miracle, don’t need to do it again. Edward might kind of like the idea of more children, but he wouldn’t push the issue if Bella wasn’t super into it. I wonder if the Volturi might want to have some children. Aro, at the very least, might be fascinated by the idea, especially if, as Renesmee’s case suggests, gifts can be passed down genetically. I think he does have a genuinely affectionate streak in him (even if it can be overpowered by political concerns fairly easily) and would dote on any children of his or anyone else’s in the coven.For nomadic vampires, a hyrbid might be too difficult to really manage with their lifestyle. They sleep, for example, which might mean they have to find some form of semi-permanent housing which doesn’t work so well with people-eating vampires who are hundreds of years old and might not have any real money or identification.