#enhypen scanrio

[yaehao]

for the first time

summary: in which sunghoon has to figure out how to properly express his feelings for you

genre: highschool!au ; fluff? ; angst? ; poetry? idk

feat: park sunghoon ; 박성훈

wc: 4185

warnings: some metaphorical violence? ; some kissing lol but nothing too suggestive

note: I LITERALLY WROTE THIS IN MY SPANISH CLASS LAST WEEK AND KINDA TRIED A NEW WRITING STYLE AND DIDN'T REALLY EDIT I'M SORRY IF THIS IS SO BAD OMFG ackkk also, i hope this somewhat makes up for not updating sonder in a while LMFAO also also i snuck some song titles from b:c in so try and find them :P anyways i hope it makes u hate and love hoon all at the same time, i'm gonna go pretend it doesn’t exist ever again <3

Park Sunghoon doesn’t like having feelings for other people.

Park Sunghoon would much rather spend his waking hours figure skating, shopping, or playing with his dog than thinking about another person.

And that’s why, when Park Sunghoon sees you for the first time, he resents you. He resents how his heart skips a beat when the afternoon breeze pushes your hair out of your face. He resents that when he makes eye contact with you, a plethora of new feelings fills his chest and makes him want to explode. He resents Jake Sim for introducing you to him. 

Park Sunghoon isn’t curious about other people.

He prefers to focus on himself.

So the first time Jake hears your name fall from Sunghoon’s lips in the form of a question, he’s beyond surprised. 

Sunghoon resents you for making him want to know more about you. 

When Jake starts inviting you to eat lunch with his friend group, Sunghoon can’t tell whether he should be grateful or slam Jake’s head into the table. Perhaps he should be grateful. He never talked much in the first place, and now that you were around, he had something else to stare at rather than his own hands. Or perhaps he should slam Jake’s head into the table. The more he admired your existence, the more he didn’t understand what he was supposed to do with the infatuation blooming in his heart.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Park Sunghoon is not mean.

He can’t even kill a fly without Lee Heeseung having to do it for him.

So when he gives you the cold shoulder, refuses to acknowledge you whenever you’re around him, doesn’t laugh when you say something funny even though everyone else does, and walks away from you whenever you try to talk to him, you can’t understand why. No one understands why. Sure, he usually took a while to warm up to people, but he never rejected anyone new in the friend group.

Sunghoon took an instant liking to Jay Park. They started hanging out by themselves just the week after they first met. Sunghoon looks up to Lee Heeseung more than anyone. He wants to dance and sing as well as he does. Sunghoon has been friends with Jake his entire life. There is no one he trusts more than him. 

Sunghoon treats you like you’re an inconvenience.

You attempt to text him and ask him if he has a problem with you.

Park Sunghoon blocks your phone number.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

The first time you hang out with him outside of school is at a cafe.

Jake had to beg you to go with them, his incentive being that he would pay for your drink and buy you any pastry of your choice. The idea of a free tea and cheese roll was too enticing to pass up.

Sunghoon likes how you look today, but he won’t admit it. Or maybe he does in the way he lightly pushes Jake out of the way and quietly hands the cashier his debit card to pay for your order instead. Behind you, Jay and Heeseung whisper to each other. Jake knows exactly what Sunghoon is thinking. You don’t understand what his motive is.

Park Sunghoon is an enigma.

After he pays for your order, he goes right back to ignoring you. 

Jay cracks a joke and you throw your head back as you laugh, hand coming up to cover your face. Sunghoon doesn’t laugh. He's too busy processing the sound of yours. Remembering it. Turning it into his favorite song. He thinks you’re the most beautiful person he’s ever seen in his entire life. He stops himself from telling you this out loud. 

While you’re caught up in laughter, Jake watches Sunghoon’s face. Jake only ever sees this type of expression on Sunghoon’s face when he accompanies him to the ice rink. Jake sees a certain sparkle in Sunghoon’s eyes that he only ever sees when Sunghoon perfectly lands a triple axel.

Jake can tell that Sunghoon is falling in love. 

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Park Sunghoon doesn’t understand his feelings until he steps foot in the rink.

Understanding begins to sprout in his head when he lands a jump, and wishes you were there to have seen it happen. He wants to impress you. Understanding begins to blossom when he forgets his next move because you take priority in his mind over his routine. Sunghoon has never let anything get in the way of his art before. The occurrence is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Sunghoon has never found himself skating for anyone else other than himself before. 

For the first time, Sunghoon imagines what it would be like if someone else was on the ice with him. He imagines his hands grazing your waist. He imagines what it would feel like for his palms to press into your back if he were to lift you. He imagines you in front of him, moving in sync with him as he glides across the rink. 

His coach doesn't think she's ever seen him move so passionately.

Understanding is in full bloom.

Sunghoon never leaves the rink until he’s finished his routine perfectly. Full rotations on every jump. Spins as fast as he can physically muster. Just how he likes it. 

He leaves the rink that night earlier than usual. 

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Silence is only as deadly as one wants it to be.

You think Sunghoon wants you dead.

When you go to Jake's house for the first time, you are the second to arrive after Sunghoon.

Jake announces that he'll be back in five minutes. When he leaves the room, the atmosphere becomes a weight.

Speaking feels illegal. The only way to test the limit of the law is to break it.

"How long are you going to treat me like this?"

Sunghoon makes eye contact with you for the second time ever. Sharp eyes. Closed mouth. Hands gripping his phone tighter.

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

⊱ ────────── ⊰

When Jake wants to go ice skating, you don't refuse. Neither does Sunghoon. 

You are the only one unaware of Sunghoon's talent.

As you lace up your skates, Sunghoon is already stepping out onto the ice. This is the only place that feels more like home to him than home. 

Jake stands next to you, leaning over the edge of the rink. He watches your face as you watch Sunghoon. Your eyes fixate on him, watching. Admiring. Astonished. The rink becomes blurs of bright lights and colors around him. His allure is disrespectful to the beauty of the ice. He draws attention to him and only him.

Ice flares up when he runs the sides of his blades into the ice. He places his clammy hand on the edge of the rink. Head thrown back. Mouth agape. Heavy breathing. Sticky hair against his forehead. 

Gracefulness exists in the form of Park Sunghoon. 

You think he’s most beautiful when he’s in his element. He thinks you’re most beautiful when you exist.

He knows you’re watching him. This is what he wanted. He looks over to you and Jake.

You make eye contact for the third time.

Sunghoon smiles at you for the first time.

The first time Sunghoon touches you is when he takes your hand to help you onto the ice. You dig your toe pick into the ground as you push yourself forward. Sunghoon lets you hold onto his forearm, even if his heart is threatening to rip itself out of his chest. He doesn’t mind how slow you two move. He decides he enjoys skating with you more than setting a new personal best score.

You mumble about how it’s unfair how talented he is. Shades of pink bloom on his cheeks. He mumbles that it’s unfair how attractive you are. You fall on the ice for the first time that night.

Sunghoon laughs. He hasn’t laughed this hard in such a long time. The good kind of painful laughter. He knows in the future, he’ll think about this moment randomly and smile.

You spend the next ten seconds engraving his laughter into your memory instead of picking yourself up. You think that this moment is rare. 

Although, you wish for it not to be.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Handling feelings is a difficult task.

Sunghoon realizes this at midnight when he and his ceiling come face to face. He has never once found silence to be uncomfortable, and yet he wishes that your voice was around to fill his bedroom. 

He unblocks your number.

Park Sunghoon calls you for the first time.

You don't understand why you didn't ignore his call. You convince yourself that you picked up the phone in case he needed something important. At midnight.

Sunghoon isn’t curious about other people.

Jake told you so.

And yet, Sunghoon asks you what your favorite flower is. Your favorite color. Your taste in music. Your favorite songs. Your favorite movies. Your favorite candle scent. Your go-to meal at restaurants. Your birthday. What your family is like. 

Sunghoon asks you if you believe in love at first sight.

“I don’t know… Do you?” Your voice is laced with caution. There’s a long silence after your words, anticipation growing thicker in the air. Your ceiling feels like it could collapse at any given moment. You can’t see Sunghoon on the other end of the phone when he runs his fingers through his hair. You can’t see the rise and fall of his chest when he takes a deep breath and searches his scattered brain for the right answer.

“Ever since recently, yes.” You can’t see when Sunghoon closes his eyes and sinks his teeth into the plush of his bottom lip. You wish you could take your own answer back. Tell him that you do believe. Sunghoon can’t see you when you pull your blanket over your head. 

“What made you start believing?” 

You know the answer. He knows the answer as well. Your words are an open invitation to profess.

Silence is only as deadly as one wants it to be, and you conclude that Sunghoon wants to kill you tonight.

Sleep takes you in her arms before she takes Sunghoon. He calls out your name, his answer is an empty bedroom. 

He doesn’t hang up the phone.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

The contrast between the gentleness by which he calls out your name and the harshness by which he disregards you is agonizing.

You’re not unintelligent. You’re fast to understand concepts, fast to convert thoughts to words. Quick-witted.

But Sunghoon has no algorithm to him. Now, he won’t even look at you.

Jake asks if you’ve been in a fight with him recently. Questions. Prodding. When you look at Sunghoon, he’s staring at his hands again. Fingers dancing with each other. You wonder if you should tell Jake about the phone call. You decide against it.

“No. Isn’t he usually like this?”

Jake doesn’t want you to think Sunghoon despises you. You know he doesn’t. Jake knows he doesn’t. Jay and Heeseung know he doesn't.

Sunghoon is the only one still trying to convince himself that he does.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

When Jake invites you to his house for the second time, you’re the second to arrive after Sunghoon. He doesn’t bother to look up from his phone to greet you. 

“I’ll be back, I’m gonna let Jay and Heeseung in.” Jake stands up to leave the room. He gives you a remorseful glance before he exits.

Heavy air. Deadly silence. Law-breaking.

“Do you have a problem with me or what?” The words leave your lips before you have the opportunity to contemplate them. Sunghoon’s lips are tight. The grip on his phone is tighter. He stares at you with apologetic eyes. His gaze contrasts his agreement.

“Yeah. I do.”

Jay and Heeseung’s presence lifts the room. You’re grateful. 

When the movie plays, neither you nor Sunghoon are focused on it. Sitting on the floor. He scoots closer to you. Caution shooting through his fingertips. He places his hand over yours. His knee bumps into yours. Your mouth parts, then closes again. No protest. You close the gap. Your head falls on his shoulder.

He holds onto your hand like if he lets go, he’ll lose you.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Today, you wonder if Sunghoon is just a character you’ve made up in your mind. Someone to fulfill the romantic fantasies from your daydreams. He never felt real in the first place. His existence is inconsistent. Perhaps you have him mixed up with someone else.

Today, Sunghoon walks past you like you don’t exist.

Jake watches you intently. Sharp features. Lost eyes. Pursed lips. He cannot tell if you’re angrier about Sunghoon ignoring you, or the seeming casualness of it all. He treats you like he doesn’t spend movie nights at Jake’s house holding on to you like his life depends on it. Or like he’s capable of falling asleep without knowing you’re on the other end of his phone. 

You figure it’ll be harder to fall out of love than to fall in love. Still, it’ll be of less difficulty than trying to play Sunghoon’s game.

When you get home that day, Sunghoon attempts to call you. Your fingers hover over the green button. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. The phone rings out until the silence of your room deafens it.

This is the first time you block Sunghoon’s phone number.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Sunghoon looks for you with desperation. 

While he isn’t supposed to be curious about other people, he asks Jake where you are.

“Eating lunch with some other friends, I think.” Jake states plainly. He’s a terrible liar, but he knows you’re tired of Sunghoon. You want to stop inconveniencing him. Sunghoon doesn’t understand how to handle his feelings. You’re tired of waiting for him to figure out how, though he wishes you were patient enough for him to learn.

Distance holds your relationship at gunpoint. The pads of her fingers rest on the trigger. You command her to pull it.

She’s never been one to listen well.

Sunghoon hates looking like a lost puppy. Racing across campus. Scanning eyes. Searching. Soft drizzles of raindrops hit the concrete. Rain is more susceptible to hitting you when you’re moving through it rather than standing still.

When Sunghoon finds you, he’s drenched. He finds you eating lunch alone. An unwelcoming bench. Umbrella propped. Away from everyone else. He forces himself to walk up to you. To take your hands and pull you onto your feet. 

Sunghoon hugs you for the first time.

It’s not ideal. His body is cold when it presses against yours. But when his arms wrap around your waist, you can’t help but feel safe. 

You shouldn’t. It doesn’t feel right.

Sunghoon lets apologies fall from his lips. Begs for you to come back. His voice is starting to get irritating.

You tilt your head up to press your lips against his. He smiles against your mouth. Hands resting on your waist. Playing with the hem of your shirt. Slipping under. Feeling the bareness of your back. Fingers tangled in his hair. Dancing on the nape of his neck. Cupping his jaw. A pitter-patter of rain. You concur that his problem is that he can’t spend a day without you.

You and Sunghoon’s first kiss isn’t ideal. In fact, it shouldn’t have even happened. 

But it does.

You want it to happen again.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Jake knows you well enough to know when you’re hiding something from him.

When you talk about Sunghoon like he’s a hindrance instead of working on physics homework, his suspicions grow. Jake has always been an observant kid. He thinks you talk about Sunghoon just a bit too much. He doesn’t wish to upset you. He just doesn’t think you know what you’re talking about.

“What happened between you?”

“Nothing.”

Jake knows you well enough to know when you’re lying straight to his face.

“You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”

Your intelligence is comparable to Jake’s. You study and ace tests together. However, he's always been just one step ahead. And in this moment, nothing occupies your mind except for the remembrance of the feeling of Sunghoon’s lips pressed against your own, cold rain against your back, wet hair entangled between your fingers. He tasted like vanilla.

A shiver runs down your spine.

“I don’t want to.”

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Nothing is allowed to take priority in Sunghoon’s life over skating.

He refuses to talk to anyone days before he has to compete. Days are spent on schoolwork. Nights are spent on the ice. Preparing. Working. Elegance earns its definition under the blades of Sunghoon's skates. 

Sunghoon has listened to You Are The Reason so often that although Heeseung is the one with perfect pitch, he swears he can name the notes of every piano chord composed.

When Sunghoon takes breaks, he lays in the middle of the rink, legs straight, arms spread. He wishes he could hear your voice again. He watches the entrance of the rink, hoping that you’ll walk in with Jake. 

You never appear.

For the first time, Sunghoon finds difficulty in recentering his focus. He is still imagining your waist under his hands, whether it be as he molds his lips against yours or guides you along the ice.

He thinks if he falls one more time, the ice might leave a bruise on his knees.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Jake drags you to the arena fiercely. He doesn’t tell you why. Running up stairs. Choosing a few seats.

It isn’t until you see Sunghoon stepping onto the ice that you understand why you’re there. To watch. You know what Jake wants. For admiration to sneak her hands around your throat. To encase you. Trap you in. 

Sunghoon looks like he’s searching for something. Realization doesn’t hit until he locks eyes with you. Turning his head away quickly. A tingly feeling in his stomach. He’ll just have to apologize later for disappearing again.

He takes home another silver medal.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Three soft knocks on your front door.

Sunghoon decides he can’t find his focus anywhere except in your arms.

Doors swing open, your mouth is on his before you can barely process what’s happening. Feet moving instinctively. Carrying you to your room. Swollen lips and clashing teeth. His fingertips find their home in the small of your back. Pulling you closer. He’s feverishly warm.

“Stop leaving me.” It leaves your lips as a whisper. His chest rumbles with a groan of approval. Whether or not he keeps his word is the only thought on your mind. 

-

His head is on your lap. Watching a movie that neither of you are really watching. He traces shapes into your thighs. Fingers playing with his hair. Timid air, an atmosphere begging to be shattered.

“What are we... doing?” Your question is genuine. Park Sunghoon is a puzzle you’re getting tired of trying to solve. He has no strategy. No algorithm. No handbook or instructions. 

Sunghoon responds by pulling your head down to him. A soft, longing kiss. You wonder who, between the both of you, will go insane first. 

This is the first time Sunghoon falls asleep in a bed that isn’t his own.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

“We’re going to be late for school.” You remark, attempting to peel yourself from the sheets.

He pulls you down. Arms wrapped around your waist. A tender kiss pressed to your shoulder. He has you drunk on his touch. Too dazed to think straight.

“Let’s just stay here for a bit.” Just a moment longer. Sunghoon doesn’t want to let go. As soon as he leaves, he doesn’t know the next time he’ll be back. He pulls you in tighter. He believes that losing this moment might really just kill him. He wants to imprint himself into your skin. Sunghoon wants to be remembered.

It’s never like you to skip class without a good reason. Diligence is paired with your name often. ‘A bit’ turns into too long. Regret doesn’t even breathe in your head. You’ll just have to make up an excuse to Jake later.

You cook breakfast for the first time in too long. A whiff of coffee floods your nose. His voice fills every hallway, every room, everywhere it's never been  before. Home hasn't felt this much like home for a while now. 

When he leaves, he also leaves his ghost. Blurry memories forever linger in your room. The indent in your mattress. His scent on your sheets. Visions of his figure sitting on the edge of your bed.

You want him back as soon as he’s gone.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

You know what it’s like to miss someone. Even if you don’t want to. Especially if you don’t want to.

You curse yourself for doing so. For not wanting to go back to sleeping without your back pressed against his chest. You wonder if you have this much of an impact on him as he has on you.

You don’t even think you’re supposed to feel this way about him.

It’s wrong how inconsistent he is. Irritating and confusing.

But when he exists, he does so beautifully. He’s captivating. You would trade anything if it just meant one more minute with him.

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Jake Sim is criminally observant.

Even in a bustling cafe, he can tell Sunghoon is playing with his fingers more than usual. His drink is getting cold. He avoids Jake’s eyes. Small sounds come from Heeseung’s phone. Jay adjusts the chain dangling from his neck. 

Sunghoon smells waiting in the air. They want him to speak. To say it. To hear the words come from him. Jay crosses his arms. Heeseung places his phone face down on the table. Sunghoon looks up. Jake raises an eyebrow at him.

“I think I’m in love.”

Sunghoon takes a sip from his drink right after. Jake smiles. Jay rolls his eyes and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Heeseung nods silently. Jake runs his fingers through his hair. He assumes it’s his turn to respond.

“We know.”

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Sunghoon understands what nervousness is.

 The last time you were at this cafe, Sunghoon undeniably fell in love with you, although he could spend hours denying it. Or at least trying to. He knows better now. Having feelings for you isn’t wrong. Admiration isn’t wrong. Making room in his life for someone other than himself isn’t wrong. It isn’t weak. It isn’t deadly.

Falling in love with you isn’t wrong.

He searches with timid eyes. Darting back and forth from his phone to the door of the cafe.

When you walk in, Sunghoon swears his heart stops for a moment.

You see him and your stomach twists. Jake said you were meeting him today. Lies. You want to turn to leave. Step out and immediately call Jake and ask him what he was thinking. Locked eyes. Sunghoon motions for you to sit down across from him. Compliance.

There’s a drink waiting for you on the table, the same one you ordered last time. The same one he paid for. Twice now. You try to convince yourself that the label on your cup is more interesting than Sunghoon’s face.

His hand travels to his nape. He has trouble finding your eyes. Gaze cast to the side.

Waiting. This time, you don’t want to be the first to speak.

Sunghoon breaks the silence for the first time.

“You’ve unraveled me in ways I could’ve never imagined.”

He doesn’t play with his fingers anymore. He reaches out and takes your hand in his. Staring. Silently asking you to look at him. Eyes following his.

A smirk growing on your lips. Playful, cocky eyes. “Are you thanking me?” 

“Would it be wrong to thank you for teaching me what falling in love is like?”

Suddenly, the air is so much thicker. His gaze is worrisome. Had he said too much? It didn’t matter. There was no going back now.

“I love you.” Words you never thought you’d hear fall from his lips. 

A smirk turns into a smile. A smile he swears is designed just for him. One filled with comfort. Safety. Security. 

“Stay with me.” You almost plead. Your hand squeezes his.

“Always.”

⊱ ────────── ⊰

Park Sunghoon still doesn’t understand feelings sometimes.

He would still rather figure skate, go shopping, and play with his dog rather than think about another person. He still dislikes being curious about other people.

But still, he finds himself searching for you everywhere. During lunch on campus. When Jake wants to hang out. In the audience at his competitions. 

When he makes eye contact with you before he steps out onto the rink, he finds himself falling in love with the butterflies in his stomach. When he skates, he searches for your body under his fingertips between the piano chords of his compositions. 

Park Sunghoon is a gold medalist that night.