#erm she’s dope or whatever

[kito-oh-kito]

Drawing of @thugshakerrr9000s April ‼️

[calypso-finale]

Fifty One. Part 3

So unsure of hugging him back, I did anyways. It’s been a while since we have hugged physically in which it wasn’t sexual, the hug was full of feeling and I liked it, he appreciated it and to feel that, I melted in his arms and he smells nice too “that is dope cake my bro” Kairo had to pipe up, he had to ruin the moment, moving back from the hug “thank you, I didn’t think I would be crying, I mean thug tears of course” my mom is smiling at me, I was just going to walk off but Oakley grabbed my arm “yeah?” I said looking behind me “I wanted to say thank you, this, what you did for me. Like it’s nothing, and really I didn’t care like I mean nobody did anything and the bros know if I say no, then I do but you did this, thank you” I waved him off “don’t be, I mean you will always be the father of my child and I want him to know we can get along anyways, also what is a birthday if you don’t blow candles out and also, I remember the cupcake and candle thing, I don’t think I will ever forget really” he looked at my wrist, I still have the cartier bracelet he got me. He swallowed hard “daddy, I want it” here comes Aziel, he probably wants cake now. Oakley picked him up, making my way to my mom. Rich hasn’t left, he is staying here until these boys go “who put the party hat on him?” I pointed “your son” he just said “you need to retire; you are old now. Mom let him retire” my mom looked at Rich “he told me to never do that to him, he said he would always protect me until his last breath and please, he isn’t old! He is a few years older then me but look how good he looks, how dare you” pulling a face “dad is a pensioner” my mom gasped “you really bad at maths ain’t you, dumbass so anyways, the bed better be made for me” I chuckled “yeah, as soon as I knew you was coming I made the bed because I know you like to complain, I have always got a spare room for you, I am shocked Imani let you go?” she always wants to come “I said no anyways because this is not about us having fun or time to just relax, I have shit to do. Like I want to know you’re ok, Imani just wants to have fun and she is going through a moment, so I told her but I didn’t invite her to this” letting out an oh “Imani is always going through a moment, I get why you don’t want her here” I mumbled “see my point, it was never to do with the fact I don’t trust you but as much as Imani is ok, she still has what she has and I want to always keep an eye on her, you know” nodding my head “I forget at times, she tries so hard to be ok” my mom smiled.

My mother is so sneaky, I am just checking Instagram and she has posted, no wonder she was smiling the way she was, she is always up to something. She told me his mom follows her, and she purposely did this to annoy her. She has posted a video of Oakley walking in at first, then a video of him seeing the cake and she captioned it family. Then she posted again of us hugging and put happy birthday, now what kind of rumours is she starting, I am flabbergasted. I think she is pissed off so when she is she will do the most and she will create shit to piss the person off but this, this will be on blogs. Looking over at my mom and she is speaking to Oakley, let me go to her and ask her what the hell and also what even is she saying to him, she is on something this woman now. Making my way over to them “am I missing on gossip?” I said “not gossip, just Oakley said tomorrow he doesn’t mind driving us to his mother’ home” looking at Oakley “do you know why she wants too?” I asked him “I think I am aware; I am not that slow really. I am not even allowed to go in, I have been banned” I pulled a face “banned from a house you bought” he shrugged “whatever right but erm, yeah. I can drop you off and pick you up” my mom cooed out “how nice of him” my mom just smirked at me, she is on some shit “but Oakley, you should you know get your house back” he shook his head “I can’t, I ain’t that kind of guy. Let them, they are childish and whatever” that is crazy, if we ever marry I will be kicking them nasty people out myself.

I wake up and my mom just finished her meeting with whatever, I don’t know who. Aziel is awake and is silently eating on my mother’ lap “so much peace?” I said “he’s being a good boy for me, we are doing meetings and breakfast aren’t we” he looked up at her “love you” she kissed his forehead “he woke me up, not even you. I was shocked, he just was knocking on my door” I laughed “I leave my door a little open for him to just come in but he acts like a grown man in this house, he climbs out of things. He slept in my bed and just got out, I got worried” my mom shook her head “he was knocking and knocking, and then I heard a little sigh, so I got up and opened the door and I saw his precious little face looking up at me, so I got out of bed and just did my thing, so I spoke to my people, my contacts. You did erm nothing wrong, they aren’t mad they just needed someone and that it came off as pushy but it wasn’t no issues or trouble, and that they would give warning prior to doing this so yeah, nothing wrong with Dior, I think erm in the long run you need backup, once he goes to school, with his dad potentially being busy you need to have a plan where if you need to go, you have someone to call and it can’t be friends, it can’t be family because you need to pretend they don’t exist. But you need someone where you call them, they can do it and that he is happy with, like Amerie. You don’t have to have a live in nanny, just there when you need because when he goes school, you can’t just up and move him, now you can” nodding my head “so we will look for that, modelling wise, you’re fine. So we are going to leave Aziel with Oakley and we will see that white bitch, if I whack her let me” the way my mom just said that so calmly and got up, like it was nothing “shall we have some juice” my mom is fighting, this is going to be interesting.

My mom and I sat in the back of the car, the windows are tinted so nobody can really see us in the back and also the car seat is already fitted in the front but then Rich couldn’t sit with us so he is behind us in a different car “I woke up to headlines” Oakley said “headlines?” my mom said like she doesn’t know “Rihanna in the trap” he laughed “hey, I can hang around anywhere but it’s not a birthday without cake, and it’s nice to see you out and light spirited, I am happy for you. You need to gain weight though” Oakley looked behind him ���I am always skinny, I get it. I mean I will, I have that cake in the house. How long you going to be at my mom home?” he’s too nice to say mom home “as long as I can until she knows to not ever speak on my daughter again” Oakley cringed “I erm, I don’t agree with what happened, I was pissed off and that is why I am banned, she is going to say a lot about me too so yeah, she is a good manipulator too, she is good for others but not her own and I realised that a lot, she erm. She may push you but just remember that you are better than that and I appreciate that you also invited me to your home, sorry I didn’t stay” looking at my mom “you’re more than welcome, just a shame we couldn’t show you the rest of it but don’t worry, she has met her match. You just pretend you don’t know a thing” my mom is in her zone “I think my mom is pushing a narrative because she is young, she thought she could control Rylee, it’s a sick thing but yeah” shaking my head as I looked out of the window, she is a bitch that lady.

Opening the front door “be good for daddy ok, don’t be playing around too much” Aziel has shades on, he is too cool for me now “what you say? Before I take the shades off you” he is going to make me do it “good!” he spat “yeah good, give mommy kiss then?” he shook his head “oh you don’t want to give me kiss because your dad is here” taking his shades off “no!” he spat “then give me kiss?” he did not want to show me love because of dad, he lifted his head up and he gave me a kiss “stop showing off, don’t give him any sugar he is already hyper” placing the shades on “I won’t, just text me and I can come around, I won’t be far” nodding my head “you should have Kayson with you though, we spoke on that” Oakley nodded his head “I know, but I am going down south, I will be ok” smiling at him “that is me then, see you both soon” closing the door “it’s hot in London isn’t it” my mom said “it is, you’re about to get a whole lot heated once we get in” walking towards the house “he did this house up again for her and she blocked him from coming, how crazy is that. And she knows you’re coming, the gate is open” I pointed, Rich power stormed by us, I guess he wants to be he one to see the family first “she is a shit therapist” nodding my head in agreement “he said she is good, to others but not her own and I am still stunned she got with a black guy, I thought they was married and they aren’t you know” my mom’ eyes widened “oh she has arrived” Oakley mother said, I don’t know, her tone is already a little nasty but we will see.

Oakley mother and nan are here, and a few others, it’s a very white occasion. Neil is here but he is a pushover, Oakley brother is here too. I don’t know, I sense like they did it to create a barrier of some sort “it’s so good to see you back, the last time we saw each other was during the baby shower, things were different then” she said “it was, it was optimistic to say the least, no kidnapping then” my mom laughed, she didn’t see the joke in it but my mom did “well erm, he is always spending time in America, he came back very different, like he didn’t know us. And he was in Barbados, then he is here. The child doesn’t have stability, he is here and there and we don’t get him so we decided to take him” looking at my mom “you mean kidnap him?” looking at Rachael “no, that is my grandchild” my mom clasped her hands together “did you ask the person that birthed him? I mean he didn’t come out of you right? So was she aware, let me just set the tone. If my daughter was to call the police on you, and she stated she didn’t know. Would you be arrested?” she isn’t going to win this “like I said it was harmless, he liked it” she overlooked the question “so I am right yeah, you took him. You made my daughter cry, my child. Now you all sat here and looking at me like Rihanna the superstar but I am not, I am here as Robyn, a mother. Any mother protects there child, when I am dead! Then I can’t but until I am alive I will be. You took him, how dare you and how dare you even assume she would leave him in a wet diaper? My daughter, the very one that was taking care of her own siblings, she help me a lot and I would trust her with my children, I know her. You know what, my husband is right, the lack of respect you have for her is because she came here at that age, but I will tell you something, I would say Mrs Caesar-Su but you’re not even married but I will tell you something, I never kicked my child out! And she knows that, I never did that when she came here, and if you think I would let you bully her and make her feel she isn’t on par with you then you wrong, whatever ploy you got going on, you need to stop. Because one thing, I don’t fuck around when it comes to mine, and that is Aziel too. You barking aloud about my daughter being a bad mother, I can promise you now, you won’t see him, I don’t care” the silence in the room is deafening, my mother will not take their shit.

“Apologise to my daughter” my mom said, oh she is not holding back “for what?” Racheal asked “for everything, I mean it speaks volumes that you can’t even sing happy birthday to your own child, I don’t know what hate you have against him but it’s really sickening how you treat him” the nan rolled her eyes “you come in our room and make orders” she pointed “I came into Oakley’ home, let’s start there. He dropped me off outside the home, that boy has been nothing but respectful” my mom spat “I made some stupid decisions to assume what he is like, I hated him but you know what, what to do when your mother is a shit person. We had every right to be upset about the age gap, you didn’t it was your son with my daughter, so really we should be penalising him” it’s shocking to see this woman so quiet “I think you don’t know the half of it, my son was a good boy until he got with the wrong crowd, we had personal disagreements and he you don’t know anything about him and his temper, you think he is sweet but he isn’t, he lied. He said that I could take him to Paris but then back tracked” I furrowed my eyebrows “I didn’t” oh Oakley is here, he came back “I never said that, I was asleep and you took him in the early hours” he has come back just in time to defend himself “you painting a picture to them about me, but the fact you called Aziel too American, I think you listen to your mom too much that you don’t see you come off as racist and condescending” she gasped “I was never racist, I am with your dad aren’t I” she laughed like she can’t be still that “he is so white washed that he doesn’t even claim the black side himself” Oakley said “I think you owe Rylee an apology, you was trying to make me get full custody and use her age and the fact she was clubbing in LA” my eyes widened “this ends now, bro thanks for texting me” his brother hid his face “this is crazy to think I am racist, I took her in. This isn’t on me. You, you are so stupid to even get her pregnant, this is my point Oakley” she really gets at him, I don’t know why either “I don’t care, I really don’t. I just want you to apologise, and I want you to not ever try and come at her” where is Aziel, I can’t see him “you come here trying to save the situation, you can’t even save yourself” she said to him “that is why my friend died mother” I cringed, that is awkward “Oakley, I didn’t mean that. I won’t say sorry but we keep it mute” Oakley looked at my mom “no” my mom simply said.

I want to know where Aziel is “where is he?” I mouthed, Oakley frowned at me in confusion “I think really we need to just come to an agreement because that is our grandchild too” my mom sniggered “the racist wants to see him, ok. Anyways, what I want from you is when you get the papers served to you miss thing. You fucking sign them, you speak on my child again I will rip your fucking hair out, and your mother too” Rachael got up, my mother did too “how dare you make threats in my home” she spat, Rich came forward “you don’t speak to my mom like that” Oakley’ brother “I just did bitch” Oakley stepped back, I think he is conflicted in the situation “get the fuck out of my house” she pointed “Oakley, do you want me to leave the house” my mom looked at him “I am asking the man of the house so you, before Rich punches you step back” she is starting on them all, my mom is putting him in a nasty situation “mom, please” I got up “let’s just go, I think they get the message. Come” at the end of the day it’s his mom still “you sign those papers bitch, I am not even joking with you. You have no right ever speaking on my daughter and her parenting skills when you can’t raise kids! You should be blessed you have a son like him because you! You deserve shooting and the rest of you white motherfuckers” my eyes bulged out “mom!” I spat “please” I pleaded with her, Rich just came out of nowhere and the way he flung Oakley’ brother to the wall “you mind your business” Rich said, oh they about to jump us “let’s go” pushing my mom to move “nan, just shut up. They are going, sit down” Oakley said, we need to go “you go with that family! Go, don’t ever come back in this house! Ever!” she barked, Rich is shuffling us out and I get pushed from behind. Looking behind me and I just see Oakley punching his brother “Oakley!” I spat, I was going to stop him but Rich just yanked me to move, he doesn’t want us here any longer. As I got out I see Aziel with Wadz kicking a ball outside, the front yard.

Oakley still drove us back, he is a little silent I mean it’s a lot “mom, you wouldn’t stop” I said to her “I don’t give a fuck, she deserves more. I do not care, she is toxic and was playing a game with you. She won’t anymore my baby, she needed to know you had us, you always have us. Don’t ever cry over something that can be fixed” putting my head down “I apologise to you Oakley” my mom said, wasn’t expecting her to say that “oh it’s ok” he mumbled “and it was my brother, he pushed me into you and then yeah” looking to the side of his face “he punched you back” his cheek is red “just a little something it’s fine” I don’t think it is “don’t let her get you down” Oakley chuckled “thank you Rihanna, I didn’t think I would hear such words about me from you, it’s nice. Thank you, I know you dislike me the most” my mom laughed because she did “well, I have no choice now. I am joking, just you know we need to move on, your mother is not nice at all. The things you have done for her even after she kicked you out is wrong, you deserve better” my mom is being too kind, a little too kind for me. I am glad that’s over with but I feel like the battle with Oakley and his mom has just started, I feel for him.

[calypsoff3]

Forty One.

Switching the dishwasher on “do you need anything from me?” Rylee asked “oh no, it’s fine thanks. And the movie was good thanks, I should be asleep at this time, it’s a school night. But I will have you up” grabbing the towel from the side “straight to bed, both of you!” Tianna laughed “mom it’s only one, it’s fine” waving them off, I want them to go now. They need to go to sleep, they have school in the morning “mom is fussing now that we stayed up a little later” hearing the girls say, they wanted to watch a movie with me and I said yes but they cleaned up the movie room and I did the dishes, it was nice actually to have the movie night. I need to do another one with the younger kids, wiping down the kitchen counter. My phone started vibrating on the side, grabbing my phone to answer it “hello” it’s Herb anyways “Chris will be home, so you can do what you need to do. Are you going to be there?” He asked “erm no I won’t, he can be whatever. Have fun but thanks for that, I’m not flavour of the month” I laughed “you will always be flavour of the month for him, come man. I think he will be happier with you there. Least you both can just stare at each other in hate in the club” I snorted laughing “mom, mom. Raihan is being weird!” Tianna ran into the kitchen “huh, what?” I said “he’s just staring and walking, we called his name but he’s just being weird” frowning at her “I’ll call you back” disconnecting the call “what do you mean acting weird, how so?” Rushing around the counter “he’s just walking mom like he’s just upset walking and not responding” rushing off to see what is happening “mom he’s being weird, he was about to walk down the stairs, he’s gone into your bedroom” running up the steps “he’s gone to my room?” I said, running by the girls and running to my bedroom “Raihan” my bedroom door is open and the light is off, turning the light on. Raihan is mumbling in a sad tone, he’s upset just pacing “Raihan?” Walking to him slowly “what is happening mom?” He’s totally not with us “he’s sleepwalking, just go to bed. It’s ok, I will get him to bed we can’t scare him” walking back from him “Raihan, baby. Let’s go to bed, come baby” trying to coax him into going back to bed “but mom, I want to know he’s ok, Raihan!?” Tianna shouted, they both gasped and ran like scaredy bitches when he turned and went out the door “just leave him, Raihan. Come baby, to bed” he’s never done this before, walking with him and making sure he goes to his room.

Last night Raihan did scare me, I don’t know what that sleep walking business was about but today he is ok just normal, like nothing has happened “hey, stay close” I said to him, he was about to run off. I have hid his booboo, well his pacifier. He had a meltdown so I cut the pacifier, well made a hole in it and he threw it so he didn’t like it. He hasn’t asked for it since so this is a start to maybe not having me cling onto him “so the theme being what I said, and I am very happy to see it come together” I beamed, I know I missed his birthday and Jah aired me out the way he did but didn’t even give me the chance to do anything, we haven’t spoken since but I gathered my team and are doing him a birthday party which he will attend, it will be for his friends and him, I am inviting a few of my own people, I am not sure if I want to be there but my kids will be here, it’s not a late night thing but I have been working on it for a few days as well as seeing Sade, it’s a lot for me. I can’t shake off why I let myself go through that with Jay, nobody will believe that would have happened to me “let’s be Salt N Pepa” Taina said “bitch yes, but she isn’t going. Well she said she doesn’t want to be there” Jah said “Robyn, you have to go, sorry. The theme being eighties and nineties hip hop and R and B is dope and I think you should be there” Jah is trying “I am not the person they want there, the kids will be there for him, he can be happy” Taina rolled her eyes “why am I getting this treatment?” I asked “because I feel like you are just both being childish, like do it for the kids least. Just be there and be there for the fun, for us” I huffed out “fine, I can’t promise I will stay for long” Taina has become one of the gang now, she fits in so nicely too. Looking at my phone, Mel is calling me “hello” I answered, “can I see you?” I didn’t expect this “erm sure, where are you?” I asked “your house, Amerie let me in, hope you don’t mind” I am shocked “erm ok, yeah sure. I will be back soon” holding Raihan’ hand as he came back to me.

I did say to Mel I would be back but then I picked the kids up “mom, Melo and I are going as Usher and Chilli” I huffed out “how cute, isn’t young love cute. But that fits because you and your sisters are TLC” I said to her “mom” she whined out “what” I laughed “that is fine, just please don’t be doing things that will annoy your dad, he has accepted it and he is ok with it but there is only so much he will want to see, I am serious Rylee. If he kicks off there and it’s because of you, you will not hear the end of it with me, I am dead serious. Do not ruin this day” I pointed “I won’t mom” she said “good, now go inside and get ready for the party. You have about three hours. My team are inside anyways, also Taina is there, she will be helping” I paused realising Taina is in the home, plus Mel and that is Herb’ girl, I don’t care actually. This is on her; this isn’t my problem she is lonely. Walking into the home, my home is so busy, and I love it “kids, please put your stuff away too” Mel appeared from the corner “long time” she said, I chuckled “long time? Well it’s been a while Mel, shall we” I pointed to go to somewhere private “sure” she gestured for me to go ahead “how is Melody? Is she ok? I haven’t seen her in so long, I saw her pictures, she is so pretty” opening the office door “she is ok, she misses her cousins and yeah” turning around “I don’t blame her, she was raised here, she misses it” Mel closed the door “and trust she really feels it Robyn, she cried and said I am keeping her away from you all, and honestly. I miss you a lot, I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss it all, so I came to talk” nodding my head “I saw Taina and I didn’t react, I said hi and kept it moving but yeah” I know deep down that upsets her, she isn’t going to like me being friends with Taina, but I like her.

“So I want to start off by saying I am sorry, I was bring malicious by wanting you and Chris to split, I wanted you to be miserable like me, I am somewhat jealous of how perfect the love you both have for each other, I wanted that, I want that. To see how Chris will do anything for you, even though he has his bad points he is a good man. I ruined the relationship I have with Chris too, that is dead forever, but he was so good with Melody, he did a lot for her and loved her so much, and I ruined that for my daughter, she has missed out on everything, her cousins, her family. And seeing my daughter cry, to see her tell me she is feeling lonely, Barbados for her wasn’t the best move, you know” nodding my head slowly “I appreciate you admitted to being in the wrong, with how you have been acting, I knew you was in your bitter moment and I couldn’t change that at all, you was set in making sure you was bitter and making me bitter with you. You know I would have never done that to you, you attacked my relationship a lot and preferred me being away from Chris. I just really missed my friend you know, I have been through a lot and the only person I have had is Sade, the only person I can admit things too and it’s so sad, I just can’t catch a break. Even if Chris and I aren’t having the best time you never was there for me, you was just hating” I shook my head “I don’t expect you to have me back, but you are my sister and I love you, I want you back in my life and I want to be back in yours. I am moving back to LA too, I want Melody to be happy. I have never stopped thinking about you” smiling at her lightly “come here bitch” walking over to her, wrapping my arms around her “I missed you heffa” I will keep close but not so much, I will keep my relationship to myself still.

I left Junior and Raihan at home, I am not about to bring them two with me. I am most impressed with my daughters being TLC, I love it “this is the most light skinned Usher I have seen, you really like your light skinned men” Jah said “I can’t take you seriously with a wig on cuz” Melo said to him “do I look pretty?” Jah is a troll “you look like my grandma, and that is the one on the white side” I snorted laughing “not you calling me old milk, so annoying” he scoffed “how is my baby?” I said to Imani “I am waiting to see dad, I don’t really know the songs mom so how does that work” the kids these days “just remember no scrubs boo, you will be ok” seeing Herb I busted out laughing “what the hell” Taina hollered out “fuck you” Herb in cornrows is making me holler “y’all being some haters now” what is he supposed to be “what is this?” I asked “Chris is here, we come as Death Row Records” why am I not shocked “and are you supposed to be Suge Knight?” Taina giggled “he is bald!?” Herb shouted “I am Kadafi, Pac best friend. Y’all annoying, and why is he in a wig” looking at Jah “he is transitioning, leave him. What you think of my outfit, we are Salt n Pepa” I said “dope but shall I bring him in? He thinks we are here for Diddy party, even though Diddy is here, this should be dope” nodding my head “Imani baby, what are you?” Herb asked “no scrubs boo” Imani copied my words which made me laugh “that is TLC baby” she shrugged “come, stand-up” I said, she can see her dad come in. I just know that he is confused because a party and it’s barely hitting eight, I wanted to make it earlier for the kids to come to it but they can party all night if they want. Reaching over, patting Melo’ arm “you are too damn tall, at the back now” I said, he chuckled “my bad” he moved to stand behind me, Melo helped Imani get up on the couch to stand on to see “you are so tall” Imani said to him “and big teeth” she is so rude which makes me “what the hell” Chris said as everyone shouted happy birthday to him, I am not shocked he is 2pac at all. He looks so shocked, but he didn’t expect this at all.

I stayed in my corner, I really wasn’t going to come but I did “peep the girls that came in with them” I laughed at Jah, it didn’t go unnoticed “it is what it is, I mean he didn’t know and I know that Herb wouldn’t let him set himself up like if it was him, so yeah but it’s not a good look for him but I know” shaking my head at the server, I do not want anymore booze “you know what, after that little sign you did, it made me look like a shit person and I couldn’t even make a post either. Then it just look like I am trying to make up for missing it so yeah, asshole” he sniggered “whatever, I am going to be gone anyways, you can stay. It’s a school night” looking over at Tianna, Rylee and Melo. Tianna is the third wheel “where is Imani” standing up looking, oh she is on the dance floor “she is vibing with Diddy, she does not care” sitting back down “she is dancing anyways, but yeah. I bought him gifts, a car and a tri-tone Cuban chain, and a watch, the watch is actually so amazing and it’s limited so yeah, and a car if I didn’t already say” Jah gasped “which one is the sorry gift?” rolling my eyes “bitch everything” I laughed “I really love this theme, like just everyone went all out too, I am glad you came out” Jah and his uneven wig “I mean to see you in a wig makes my night” I laughed “mhmm yeah, I am going to find the birthday boy, be back” nodding my head “oh woah” snatching my arm back “go your damn self” he cackled rushing off “you came late!?” I spat, Jen is late as shit “oh barely that, it’s barely ten” rolling my eyes “yeah but I am going because I have to take the kids home, they had their fun now” Jen rolled her eyes “take it” taking the shit glass from her.

Watching Chris from where I am sat with Imani in his arms and our daughters with him, Melo is there but I totally think Chris is ignoring him. The way Chris holds Imani is like that is his baby still, she is a whole teenager but he will say I do wrong “Rich!” waving him over “I need to go, I want to make sure Raihan is ok and asleep, Rich. Can you gather the kids for me please” he nodded his head walking “what is with Raihan you was saying?” leaning over to Jen “he was sleep walking last night so weird, I just want to make sure he is ok and I hope these kids will comply to come home” I am slurring “you drunk” slapping Jen’ thigh “you and these shots” watching Rich walking over to the girls and Chris looked at him confused, just watching him look around after that, he knows that he will be around for me and I will be here. Rich leaned down to Chris, I huffed “Chris doesn’t know I am here” I said “no way!?” Jen spat, Rich pointed at me as he would and Chris just stared at me, squinting his eyes at me “ok I am going then, can you make sure the kids come out to me” Jen got up “of course I will” hugging her close “my driver is outside anyways” I can just wait for them there, I don’t want to be ruining the party for them. Waving over the party planner as I walked off “you can do the birthday gifts now” I said to her, before she even could say anything I walked off “going already!?” Taina said, I waved at her, I am out of this place.

[calypsoff3]

Twenty. Part 2

The car ride to the place he is staying at was very quiet, he didn’t really speak. He made small talk about the kids and just small stuff like that, but he was very much in his own zone, seemed nervous I would say, whatever he is feeling or wanting to say is weighing heavy on him and I hate that. I don’t want him to feel like he has a burden on him “oh this is where you’re staying? This is nice, you have become so used to Jamaica, it looks well on you” I beamed, he is staying at a nice villa, I am impressed “yeah, I like this home. The locals are so nice too, I can walk just down the road and get groceries and just the beach is close by. From the pool you can see the sun setting, so yeah. It’s dope here" he put the car in park, I am not sure what he wants to say, that makes me nervous so to say. I am going into the unknown so to me I am going to be nervous, I mean he doesn’t want to let me go so I know that for sure, maybe I am wrong too. His therapist said he needed to let go if I want it, I am nervous now. It’s really hitting me, that I am actually very nervous about this all. I swallowed hard and then jumped at the door opening “you good?” he said laughing “oh yeah” I smiled, he has gotten out of the car, and I am just sat here frozen in one place “you good?” he asked again as I got out “yeah just in my whole world” he has my case with him “very gentleman like” I smiled “I try, to the ones I love” very light hearted man too, I love him so much. Walking into the home, you can hear the men in the house all laughing and cheering, they are doing something here. Chris looked behind him and at me “you want to go up or see around” he offered “see around” I said, he pushed the door close behind me. Following behind him and the talking got louder and louder, sounds like a party. Turning the corner and seeing them playing cards “hey nigga, where you been?” one of them asked, and it’s like everyone’s vibe changed. The silence, and the girl I saw at the party that I assumed was with Chris quickly sat up in shock, they didn’t know I was here “Robyn is here” Chris said, Herb is the only one just smiling “she isn’t that bad” Herb said “anyways” Chris walked off, following behind him, do I make people this nervous.

I love the outside “what is that?” I can see some mess of paint and stuff “I am drawing again, it’s me working on my emotions, I come out here and just vibe to music and draw” I cooed out “that is so sweet, you really have just set up home here? I don’t know how to feel about this Chris” he smiled and walked off again “go upstairs” he pointed “but this home is yours too, just use it as your own. Nobody will say anything to you. Of course, you’re my twin” I grinned “oh the kitchen area, a chef will come at night and cook but tonight we will go out to eat. Taina, you can’t continue this fake cleaning method” she laughed “Taina fake cleans, Taina, Robyn. Robyn, Taina. Just see her as Robyn, it's better that way” Taina seems a little star struck “he is right, it’s better that way” she is so nervous “I mean she is in my mood board; I mean. Like she is my fave, I am sorry. Hi” reaching my hand over “hi” she is a big fan “I will get over it but Herb knows how much I love you and you are so amazing, and beautiful, and you smell so nice” Chris snorted laughing “you are very creepy” I smiled lightly as I walked behind him “she is so happy, that is sweet” I said to Chris “she is, so am I” he admitted and that is cute of him, he has kept his feelings very close to his chest. He has kept his feelings very neutral; I don’t know why.

Chris placed my case down in the hallway “I erm, you can either erm. Have your own room, which is here, or you can stay in mine. I don’t mind, you  know. It’s just a very weird time for us, so you can stay here or mine” he offered, oh I didn’t expect him to say this to me “can I stay with you?” he nodded his head “sure, it’s just end of this hall, mine has it’s own bathroom too so yeah, so does yours. I made sure but come” he carried my case down the hall; I mean what is even the point. I will end up going to his room anyways, we have been married for years and I miss having him in my bed. His room is very clean “this is cute” I said “I cleaned it of course” looking at the bed and then seeing the picture “you have a photo” walking over to it “yeah, Disneyland pictures are always the best ones, keeps the kids in one place” leaning down looking at it “this is so cute” even has me on it “you’re right, the kids barely stay in one place at times” turning around “we will be going out to eat, if you want to get ready” nodding my head “sure, thank you for carrying my stuff” I said “it’s cool, need anything let me know” smiling lightly at him.

I got ready, not so much so. I kept it makeup less. I didn’t want to wear makeup at all, making my way down the stairs. I have no idea where everyone is or who these people are besides Herb and that female “where is Chris?” I asked some random guy “oh he is in the studio, well he made one. It’s literally here, follow me” he said, he has a studio. This man has everything here, it scares me to think that is he ever going to come back home, does he even want to come back home “he is in here" he pointed “ok, who are you?” I asked “I am Bouba” letting out an oh “thank you” I said to him, it was nice of him to show me. Let me slowly walk in because he may be recording in here and I ruin it, I don’t want to be that person. Slowly walking into the room, he is sat facing away from the door with a sound engineer, closing the door slowly “just do it again” the guy said to him, he has really padded the whole room, oh my. This is crazy, he has made a studio here, is this rented or not, I am concerned that he has bought this, looking back at him “You got a glass heart, it's hard to reach you but if you'll see through. Skip through the sad part, forgive but never forget who you are. Cause your smile, it just reminds me. How I can never put chill behind me. Baby, you can ride shotgun or make love in the backseat. Make a difference, change my life and save me. Don't even know it. Make a difference, change my life and save me. Don't even know it” I swallowed hard feeling that whole verse within me, his voice “that should do it, woah!” they guy said “hi” I said, Chris turned his head “oh, you found the studio” he said “yeah I did” smiling at him “I will finish this after, later” he got up, just like that.

Jamaica is a beautiful place, I have good memories here of course “come” Chris said, he touched my hand as we walked off and then he grabbed my hand “we will be out there” he said to his friends, this little restaurant is cute with a lovely scene “it’s nice out here” Chris said, making my way outside “miss Rihanna” the guy walking by said “hi” I smiled, stepping outside “sit down” he let my hand go and offered me to sit down first, sitting on the stool “you look amazing by the way” he said, I cooed out “thank you, I have done nothing but put clothes on” I chuckled “I know but you’re still beautiful” he sat across from me “erm, I have a question, the villa. Is that yours or rented?” I am concerned now “I bought it” he admitted, my eyes widened “really Chris?” I am shocked “yeah, I just thought. I like it here, I am happy. That is the main point” I froze just looking at him “I get you are Chris, but the kids need you home, it’s like not good. What exactly are you trying to do here? Just leave us?” he put his head down shaking his head “just you know, visit. I don’t know Robyn, I am just nervous about tomorrow, it’s a big thing. I am happy you came though; this means a lot to me” nodding my head “well we can talk about that after whatever is going to be said tomorrow but I am not happy about this because the kids are settled but I am here for you and whatever is going to be said” now he is making me nervous “the song, you was singing though, it made me emotional” he sighed out heavily “means a lot, the words” I can tell the words did, they hit me hard when I heard it.

I didn’t go to sleep at all, I stayed awake and remained in the studio for the rest of the night. Robyn went to sleep but me, I stayed down and just did what I needed to do. I can’t sleep, I am nervous. This is a big step for me, it’s not something small. This is just life changing to the point of me being a different person to Robyn, I just don’t know “been awake all night?” Herb said as he sat next to me “yeah” looking at him “here is me thinking you would be having sex with Rih, I am shocked bro” I grinned “no, even though she slept in the bed, well my bed. I just have a lot to think about, she potentially, well this could be the last thing. This is like the make or break, I don’t know” shaking my head “y’all going back yet?” I am sure they are “soon, but you can’t just stay here alone? I mean I am all for staying local with no bodyguards but there is bad parts, you can’t stay out here alone. Why do you need to be alone?” I shrugged “morning” I said to Robyn, she is annoyed “why didn’t you come up? You lied to me” she is right I did “sorry, I couldn’t sleep but least you did” she walked off, looking at Herb and laughed “if you don’t agree to come back to LA, I will have to tell your wife this, it’s not the best thing to do. In a group cool but on your own, I don’t agree to it. I love you bro” Herb needs to keep his mouth shut; Robyn would make my life hell. I am still considering things; I am still in the mindset of thinking of everything.

Robyn has been very quiet with me, she has been in the room after she had breakfast, but she needs to come down, Maxwell is here now. I knocked on the door like it isn’t my bedroom, opening the door “hey” I said “I am sorry if I upset you about not coming to bed but I just couldn’t sleep, I have been thinking of this moment Robyn, I am sorry. Forgive me” I have to say it to her because she seems a little upset about me not coming to bed “well it’s fine, thanks for apologising. The bed was a little cold now that’s all” I smiled a little “erm, Maxwell is here. You want to follow me?” she seems surprised that I said he is here already “oh ok, yeah sure” Robyn got up from the bed “I don’t want you to be nervous about this Chris” I turned away and walking off slowly, she doesn’t understand that I feel like this and it’s a lot. I don’t want to be different, and I don’t want her to see me anything different, but I guess I got to do it, Maxwell ain’t going to let it slide and he feels I will move on better by letting it out. Going into second living room which I have all my sessions at “Chris” Maxwell said and then he got up “hi” Robyn said behind me, Maxwell made his way over to her “nice to meet you Rihanna” sitting down as they shook hands “the name I hear a lot of now” she said, I am nervous, I can’t deny this “I hope it is all positive” watching him sit down “it is” I like Maxwell, he is a good guy “you look apprehensive Chris” I smiled “a little” I mumbled “so how do you feel, she has come pretty quick, I wasn’t expecting the arrival for a while, isn’t this positive? You must think it” nodding my head “I do, but I just still feel apprehensive. Things can go downhill now, shit will change or whatever” Maxwell pointed at me “we don’t want to go through a period of stress, let’s just keep it calm. It’s fine, we are all ok here” he says that, but I am not.

I feel irritated “you want to say it then, she is here. Since it’s so important” Maxwell fixed himself in the chair “now Chris, I want you to say it. I told you this, you need to say it. I want you to turn to the person you love and care about and say it” staring at him “huh” I said, “this wasn’t part of the deal?” I am confused “I sad it many of times, I want you to say it. From you, this needs to come from you Chris, nobody else” he is annoying, putting my head down “Chris, I am not going to judge you. Just say it” looking at Maxwell “we are here for you, for support, turn to your love and support and say it" licking my lips, I am so unimpressed. Now I was not expecting to be saying it, turning to Robyn slowly “man” how can I even say it to her, she is just here in my face “erm this guy lied to me” I said “I didn’t come here for nothing right, just say it. I can’t say how my reaction will be but you know I got you” she is right “I have erm look. I don’t know, I am me. I don’t know, a dickhead but” staring into her eyes “I have borderline personality disorder” looking away from her “what?” Robyn said, “what is that?” she said dumbfounded “I can explain that to you” Maxwell spoke up “good, you said it out loud” I feel like shit now “So Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. Difficulty managing emotions and behaviour, and a pattern of unstable relationships. He will have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet he will have inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings that will push others away, even though he does want to have a loving and lasting relationship. Chris will always sabotage his success or peace by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship or wanting to ruin it. No reason, he will then say he is a dickhead, as you put it, but that is what made this worse, people seeing as him being that” this is so shit, I hate it “wow” rubbing my forehead “this is a lot to take in, to hear this” she said, shaking my head “yeah judge me” that’s what it is “Chris, you said that she loves and supports you, now you are not allowing her to take it in” clenching my jaw.

“All this time, just everything. Us, just everything being a battle with you, no matter what you will look to fuck up and your whole temper, just everything. It’s this, look at me when I am speaking to you” she said, looking at Robyn “I am not judging you, I need to just take it in. So what now? I mean what happens now, I just don’t understand it” she said “I hide” I said “no Chris, you don’t need to hide. He needs to go back to his peace. Art, graffiti. He has all the right tools to handle it, just he needs to be accepting of it, it can all be handled. Learning your emotions but you may always struggle with some symptoms of it. You may experience times when your symptoms are better or worse” putting my head down “I don’t want to be with you” I said to her “because I am trying to accept what I am hearing?” Robyn said “nah because I don’t think you deserve this” I said “Chris” Maxwell said “Christopher!” he said aloud, looking at him “are you jumping, not allowing Rihanna to make her own judgement? What did we say about this, we all have emotions, and we need to let Rihanna just digest this” she doesn’t want me anyways “no I just don’t want her, I’m done” I said “you are jumping before you can even hear anyone out Chris” I am not jumping, he isn’t even listening to me “she doesn’t want to be with a crazy nigga like me; it’s fine. She’s heard it, now she can go” I had to laugh because it’s a joke “how can you say that?” Robyn asked “you don’t want to be with a crazy nigga like me Robyn I know” she stared me in the eyes, she has mixed emotions “you don’t want to have a crazy nigga like me, you deserve better” Robyn shook her head “I want to have my every waking moment with you, I love you Chris. I love you for you, everything included. And this, we can work through it. I love you” her voice broke “disorder or not, that doesn’t matter to me. It really doesn’t and you know that, don’t say you don’t want me like this, what you are telling me, it means nothing. We can work through it” putting my head down and I just cried “no Chris, I love you” she placed her hands on the side of my face.