#esp since i miss my bf and my family like crazy

[oloreaa]

Weirdest feeling ever

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[jinxiaroo]

1/28/21 11:53pm

im currently listening to oblivion, by rufi-o, lily potter 

i feel like recently i have been in a little rut. nothing crazy depressing but ive just been in bed watching tv alot and not doing a whole lot of personal improvement. i had all these new years resolution which to my surprise i have been keeping up or at least im putting in effort to do. after a 24 hr shift, i found the energy to mvoe all my furniture in my room and switch it around, do some laundry and heat up some dinner. then today found the energy to go to the gym, did my usual routine. and i ran. i fucking ran. also very surprised by how good i felt for the first 3 mins. cause usually right when i start i feel like dying so please dont judge me. i think i found all these motivation because of this guy i watched on tik tok and i thought he was so romantic and cute. hes so charming and funny. he takes you on these walks around nature in vancouver, these little adventures in the wild. rain or shine. sometimes you get a glimpse of his life when he post the little few mins in. i think it really helped me alot. it feels like therapy. it reminds me how beautiful life is. during covid, i questioned alot of who i am and what am i suppose to do. all my purpose and honestly. i think i was in a really bad place for a little bit. i did a lot of drugs hoping the days would go a little bit faster. i was so lonely and times were just very uncertain. esp when i couldnt see my friend or family since i had to take care of covid patients. i dont blame any one but the situation was shitty. i made the best out of it. currently, we are running out of icu beds again. and honestly, i am scared. i’m scared i wont be able to see my loved ones again. it makes me so emotional that im living through this and that even though it hasnt even happened, how terrified i am even thinking about it. everyone at work is stressed and overworked. i know we make the best out of it. i do too. i try to make my nurses life easier but doing what is only necessary but we are just so tired and sick of people being sick. 

but yeah i was in a little rut and he inspired me to get my shit together. i actually wanna pick up a camera again. go out and maybe just take random pictures cause why the fuck not. it makes me happy i should do it. i also think having a boyfriend makes me forget that i need to take care of myself as well. i love him so much and wish for the best and would do anything to help him succeed in life. i hope he stays in my life for a good and long time. its not the crazy infatuating love that i experienced but its this calming thing that i know everything will be okay. that even if i wont figure out i know he will be there to help me figure it out together and its a very comforting feeling. im surprised at how comfortable i am being with him. he accepts that i am so crazy and irrational sometimes. he tolerates my random burst of energy, my crazy mood swings. he just hugs me when im feeling down for honest to god no reason. i know im not the easiest person to be with, esp with my bad mood swings but hes does, i appreciate it so much. he makes me want to be a even better version of me. i see how he tries to be a better version of him and that makes me want to be a better version of me. thats probably the best part of him. also he cooks. thank god. i really hope this all ends soon. i wanted to get a type writer, just to send random letters to people. how cute would that be? 

life is good, i am so lucky to be able to work and be in the position that i am. i get all the things that i want, i have great friends, a loving family, shelter over my head and a great bf. i just wanted to write this all down so remind myself that sometimes it might be a bad week, a bad month but this is such a good life and soemetimes i might not know why im upset for whatever reason but overall, this is a happy life. nothings perfect but be grrateful for all the things you have. productivity always make me feel good. makes me feel like im actually doing something with my life. 

thanks for reading. just a mini update .

ps. im traveling again ! 1. rhode island 2. san fran and reno/tahoe (northstar resort) - im learning how to skiii, i got on the blue ! 3. yellowstone. 

pss. got i fucking miss traveling so much. just take my money and give my travel dopamine please. im fucking sick of nyc. 

[p-assionlove]

While rewatching shinhwa’s 10th anniversary concert, i really feel as if i have been with them to support them since starting though i only started to really like them not long ago.(around last year etc) Actually, i have heard lots of songs from them without knowing it’s their song since i used to follow c-pop during my primary school times. (like Perfect man in MVP Lover (lol used to watch idol dramass~~), remake chinese version of their “hey come on” and i think 5566 also remake one of their song if i’m not wrong. lol old times.. when taiwan idols was the trend lol~) 

And i think the first time i know shinhwa was around 2008, which i started with Suju (lol, suju was my first biased group before i completely didn’t touch kpop after 2010-2011 etc, cos’ i find kpop songs to be so generic and boring.. imo and during that time was the boom of the 2nd gen group, which i find it too much... LIKE THERE’S TOO MANY GROUPS TO RMB 😨😨)  and i actually like Andy (cos’ of WGM haha) as he was really super nice and good to his virtual wife. But i didn’t really research a lot cos’ i only watch a few clips and WGM honestly is not my thing.. Haha then moving on, when i was like not really into kpop, but i still watch some kpop variety shows (as a 2nd gen fan, i kind of missed those variety shows that has lots of idols interacting, like Suju, SHINee, 2am,2pm, SNSD etc~) and when my sis was still a SHINee fan, she watched the Shinbang Episode with SHINee and that’s how i found out about Shinhwa more xD Then i also watched Shinbang episode with Suju, which makes me ROFL, and to this day, i still remember Yesung’s imitation of Eric’s rap in T.O.P 😂😂😂 

But during that time (i think around 2011 etc), i was quite out of kpop and due to my school and also band, i focus more on other genre music (quite a band geek too, so haha) and also not as crazy as i was in the beginning when i stan Suju (now i still like them, but not as much, since some of their music don’t appeal to me, but i like their latest release which is “Devil” haha, i feel that’s quite good.) But good thing is that when i stan Suju, i think i’m still immature that i done lots of stupid stuffs (lol who doesn't... i still feel like crawling into a hole to hide when i see the stuffs i wrote in the past... 😱😱😱😱) , so now when i came back into kpop scene, i actually start by Shinbang again and somehow... just fall into their charm haha. (on a side note, it seems like i’m going back in time...like Suju got me into kpop, then shinhwa got me back into kpop again LOL) 

And this time, i was a casual fan at first. (like i enjoy their variety show etc, watch all of their old variety shows etc~). But whats make me decided to become SHCJ is cos’ of the SHCJ. I love the relationship between SHCJ + Shinhwa :) I enjoyed reading those fan accounts which makes me feel that they’re one family, a love-hate relationship haha :) 

I think it’s really cool that shinhwa keep their promise to SHCJ on 10th anniversary (Actually... I WATCHED THAT WGM EP BEFORE, AND AFTER THAT I DON’T RMB WHY I DIDN’T SEARCH THEM TT_TT ). And i really envy their friendship :) And I can really feel that they’re sincere and now, one of my wish is to attend their concert live. (Usually, i’m not fan of pop concert since i worked backstage in few concerts before, as sound crew haha... though it was amazing to listen to live singers, it just give me a bad memory since i have to clean up the place after event.. definitely 😨, some people are just so inconsiderate!!! ) 

So, what i feel is that, even if the members are married, shouldn't we give them our blessing and hope they will continue their activities even when they’re married? (i mean.. for me, i really feel so good if they found a loved one to take care of them, since from watching their shows... and esp. dongwan (since i really want him not to feel lonely.. and find someone that appreciate him and his hobby. Yes, it’s hard for girls as usually in a relationship, you would want attention from your bf, but i feel there will be girls like that, to give space to each other?)

 Honestly, from what i been looking around in forums, and tweets, about the marriage, there will always be fans who are unsupportive.. or trolls trying to ride on this to create more hates. 

(it’s true, it’s from my personal experience.. used to be a hater of GG, because it’s a blind hate. Like people tend to post these hates stuffs, and about the black ocean etc, that time was really a mess. But after being bashed (i’m quite cool to say this cos’ i admit that i’m wrong haha, and after like watching few of their shows, i really like them on variety shows compared to the rest of girl groups.. haha, personal opinion 😅), i started to realised that hate is really a scary thing. Like media tend to write clickbait articles to create more hype and people trying to spread this hate like ???, and hurting those celebrities more. I’m sure it’s a constructive criticism, it will be okay but if it’s one with just head-on bash, i think it’s really low. and esp those that target their family members, it shows how this person’s mind is really yucks. As a celebrity/performer, of course you need to have a strong-minded personality to take on these, so is it a blessing that people got famous or is it a curse that you got famous? nobody knows. Of course as a performer, a musician, we would want people to acknowledge... maybe it’s just the pride, and self-ego. Okay, i’m going too far.. but i’m just thinking of this cos’ i’m a musician myself, i still play in band.. but sometimes, i feel so weak cos’ i don’t dare to take a risk to further my dream. And also in this risk, it’s quite hard here because the art scene here is not stable, and i can’t really afford to go for it due to my family’s financial issue. But i will just continue do what i like etc. okay, going too far, back to topic. 

But i feel they will still have fans that are supportive, and it’s a larger number of us :) and another personal wish was to see all of the shinhwa members to get married, bring their wives (is it too much to ask for? xD) and their children in the concert... like wouldn’t it be cool?! like some SHCJ bring their children (and sometimes their husband LOL) to see them, so now it’s the other way round? And about the shincom thing etc, yes, it feels like it’s a list of reason for them to hate... (same with those who got married... i’m really tired of this :( like Sungmin... about those things that they accused him of, i think it’s really to do with this fandom culture. It’s so toxic... and because of this thing called “greed”, there’s nothing to stop about this.) Like... are they a product of yours? Yes, in a whole nutshell, celebrities, idols are selling their image, their talents, their face, but this has been taking too far. 

From olden days, as a composer/performer/singers etc, people like your works and appreciate all these, that’s why there will be music lovers or now what we called “fans” to support them. And that’s why there’re rarely cases of fans getting so crazy because their favourite musician got married. But the thing with idol/k-singers is different.... but sometimes, i also find it bit ambiguous, like for example, Sung Sikyung is a ballad singer, and i saw in one article before that the reason why he’s scared of getting married is cos’ of his fans, i was kind of shocked to see why... i mean like he’s selling his talent, his singing.. why his fans wouldn't let him get married..? (though on a personal note.. at first i was wondering if he’s homosexual... Sorry if that offends anyone 😅 but if he is, then i really hope one day society would be open up about this.. though this is a whole different thing that i might write next time... *NOT about him.. i mean about lgbt lol.) 

And from what i feel, i think shinhwa as a group did not really promote these thinking that they’re single etc... like lol, hasn't they been always dating openly? haha, and also dongwan’s famous quote -”Shinhwa is not responsible for your life”, so it definitely draw a line haha. (side note: i know there’re also dongwan anti-fans, which lol, they definitely did not see how real he is. I mean yes, he like to show off his car on show, so what? if i have such a nice car, of course i want to show off, LOL, don’t get it that people saying celebrities are living such a luxury life, but people need to get it that this is their job and they deserved it.In another sense, they are like spreading the arts and providing entertainment for people,giving back to the society.) And maybe except when dongwan was on ILA, you guys do know sometimes he just like to jokes around right... lol, about the Shinhwa solitary, honestly i think he’s just being a netizen kim LOL, as i mentioned in front, i definitely don’t want him to stay alone T_T 

So don’t need to be sad even if Eric or any members are getting married, instead be excited that they will go on till maybe on their 60s etc (hey, there’re still bands & artists/musicians around 50s/60s that rock those concerts, why can’t they? although i’m worried about their joints, so i hope they go to get more acupuncture/treatment and get more rest to stay healthy! and .. try to cut down on smoking.. 😓😓 esp if they want to have a healthy baby...) , and bring us more nice music or variety shows haha. Like you can always be delulu a bit to imagine they are yours during promotion period, HAHAHA. (but must cut down, for the sake of their dear wives~ and be respectful too.. i actually saw a comment that some fans are leaving hate message on Hyemi’s insta (i can’t find her Instagram so i can’t really confirm this lol) which i find it so unnecessary.. like just don’t be butthurt about it..😰😰 but i really find her pretty though, i wished they have a healthy honeymoon baby too~~ so Eric’s son/daughter will be the eldest again HAHA😝😝) 

So long for a post, lol just personal thoughts etc.