#esterzach's writings

[esterzach]

On The Bond thingy....

I rewatched the scene with Ihvon today. Somehow I missed it the first time. Simple, slow, on point. And oh, so wrong of him. Almost poetically. Apparently, Ihvon thinks they are not supposed to be equal. He laughs at Lan and his offense to Moiraine's words. Without even considering the possibility that someone like the great mighty Aes Sedai could consider a mere mortal man an equal. Ihvon is definitely the more likable character for me, but somehow Maksim turns out to be closer with his ideas on relationships. Even the basic understanding is that no two marriages are the same, just as people are different. As if by accident he was correct. Yet, they have no idea. Who knows what they think of Lan and Moiraine as a couple - Aes Sedai and a Warder? That probably falls somewhere along the lines of "Poor Lan with this stuck-up, cold, emotionless, bitter bitch. He must be in hell." With little understanding of Moiraine as a person, let alone her mission and their relationship. A common goal, mission more important than their life or anything else, personal sacrifice. And Moiraine's (normally) gentle attitude toward Lan when they are alone, their little moments, a bubble no one can get into. The shared looks and half smile, and that deep understanding. Also the contrast here between Lan and Maksim's "I don't want anyone else in my head and Alanna doesn't like the company..." is brutal. That's a lack of trust, of willingness to carry the burden of someone else's emotions because they are too much and let someone else be too close. Only the good parts. Did you think we would be fighting a war against an army of kittens? Well.. no, but... yes? Essentially he is an enhanced soldier and a glorified sex toy? For the rest - welp you are on your own. Then again I imagine what is the emotional range of Alanna - hungry, horny, scared, horny... What she wants - The Light to triumph over the Shaddow and a dessert after. And that attitude of her Warder - we see their weakness, we remind them that they are not gods, yet... he seems to almost think that of them. There is something disturbing in this idea that there is no way a normal person, let alone a man can be equal to a woman with special skills. The thought that they might think highly of a simple man never even occurs to them... And this power even though it needs work to be harnessed and efforts to be honed, is just an accident, a random natural mutation, with no rhyme or reason. Like green eyes. Do these people worship an accidental whim of nature? This removes the importance of other traits of character and makes people like Liandrin and Moiraine, the same. Lan was angry at Moiraine because she masked the Bond even when he knew what she was up to and that she was safe. He was willing to share even those moments. He feels uncomfortable even for several hours, let alone months. He misses her. He misses her presence in his head. She has become a part of him. And after such a long time without her, he asks her to let him back in. There is something else in this episode that hits hard. Alanna explains to Lan how Moiraine was a different person before. Something happened, and after that, she changed. Drastically. "The way water becomes ice. You look at it and wonder how it was ever water before." Ouch. That metaphor is beautiful and the whole line carries such a weight. It suits Alanna to say something poetic like this and it seems to be the perfect description of Lady Damodred. Lan knows what changed. He is interested in something else: "Was she happier then?" Brutal. We know Moiraine is not exactly rays and sunshine, but damn... Imagine being in someone's head, feeling someone's emotions when this person is almost never happy. To know that there is little you can do about it. And that is Lan, who himself seems to have about two trucks of personal baggage to deal with. He seems genuinely sad. What was it? Duty is heavier than a mountain. And there is no dessert after.

[esterzach]

Second lesson

I have no shame. Feel free to ignore it. I know my English is not even close to enough to do this properly. Also ... Do I have the right to do this since I haven't read the books? I'd say after every screaming voice, that somehow all of a sudden became an expert in writing, a critic that felt obliged to shit over my favourite characters - this is incredibly satisfying. Again. I have no shame. For this at least.

Second lesson

Rand eyed her across the room, finally alone. The only other person in the spacious room was Moiraine. She was quiet, more than before, staring into the space, sipping from a small cup of tea. The young man swallowed. After everything that happened that day, Moiraine had said too little and he wasn’t exactly focused on her until now. His attention went to the storm of events, and to his friends, now gathered together in the same place. It was a long night, conversations, heated debates, accusations, revelations…

Not a few of the accusatory glances were aimed toward the Aes Sedai. For some of the little group, she was still an enigma and now they actually had something solid to blame her for. She had hidden the truth about Rand. No matter how much he had explained that it was his choice to leave them, that he was the one to ask Moiraine to make them believe he was dead, he doubted that they would soon believe him and stop being angry at her. But aside from the dirty looks thrown at Moiraine, most of them didn't dare to confront her.

Nynaeve… was a different story. Her anger was heard throughout the inn where they were all gathered. Even Lan couldn’t make her stop, although after a while he took her arm and dragged her outside in the corridor.

Moiraine remained silent. Perrin and Mat stared into each other, silently. The confusion and the distrust toward the Aes Sedai were palpable.

And Moiraine was just sitting there.

She looked pale and tired. On the light of the candles and fire from the hearth, her age seems even more elusive. A beautiful woman, but her delicate features were veiled with profound tiredness and sadness. Rand knew why. What he had seen and heard the previous day and last night was enough to have a much better understanding of what this woman was carrying. And yet, it was hard to imagine. Somewhere in his mind, the idea of Moiraine Sedai was changing. Reshaping. The fearsome image of the manipulative secretive woman shited toward something more familiar. More human. The icy facade had fallen.

For the first time since he met her over a year ago, behind the idea of an Aes Sedai, a woman has formed. A woman of flesh and blood, with heart and feelings. A human being, who was capable of hurting, of fear, of love.

Odd, he thought. He had seen her suffer before, he had seen her on the brink of death. He had watched this man hoover over her, her bodyguard, who warned him with a simple look, that whatever she thought he and his friends were, he won't hesitate to swing with a sword and slit their throats, if they dared even look at her the wrong way. He wondered back then what sort of debt or reason he had to walk after her like a loyal dog. What kind of a leash did she have on him so she held him so tight? Was he a servant, attached to her by orders from The White Tower? A lover maybe, who she had wrapped up in her nets years ago by an evil spell, that he fell victim somehow to her magic, and still hadn't realized that he sacrificed everything for someone who hardly ever even spoke to him. He had carried her unconscious body in his arms, tended her wound, and gave her water like a husband to a sick wife. And Rand still didn't quite understand.

He had seen her help and heal his father, then Mat. Maybe she really was on his side, he thought back then. And although some form of respect had formed in him, she was still an Aes Sedai. Never mind they all called her Moiraine, not even Moiraine Sedai. She had never insisted on that, never reminded them of her status. But he was way too wrapped up in himself and his own fears to notice. For him, she looked like some creature out of fairytales, or legends, not exactly real, dangerous, dark, and not at all trustworthy. Her powers intimidated him, and her plans and secrets made him suspicious. But last night he had stood in front of her to protect her from Lanfear's wrath. And there, for the first time, he saw her. Whatever happened between her and the Amyrlin seat, Rand was too busy to notice in the Palace. Their quarrel and the chilling prospect of their words were more than enough. His life and freedom were on the line. The fear that he had lost to the mighty Aes Sedai order had paralyzed him just as effectively as the shield Suan Sanche had put over him. Dark thoughts into a fog that blurred his senses kept him immobile, while he struggled to understand what was going on.

Then somehow he was free. Sheer luck, stars aligned, the whim of the Wheel, or it was a master plan from the woman in a blue dress, who was currently sitting there just a couple steps from him, but may as well be on the other side of the world.

Perin and Mat went to their rooms. They threw one last look at Moiraine, and still undecided how to treat her - if she was a threat or a friend, they left. Egwene needed healing, Elayne too. Moiraine took care of both of them. And they were resting now.

Yet the woman, who had spent at least the last several days with little to no sleep at all, trying to get him to Falme and had paid what seemed like quite the costs for her efforts, was still awake. Rand had learned what she had done for him. She was probably exhausted beyond words. He knew by now she wouldn't say anything. But she usually retrieved to her chambers. Now she was just standing there, in her chair, frozen, like a statue. 

“Moiraine, I…” he felt he had to say something. But he wasn’t exactly sure what.

Even if he had heard him, she didn’t show it.

“I wanted to… say that… I am sorry.” He struggled with his words. Ancient prophecies or not, Dragon or not, he felt like a child, who had stepped into the middle of a fight between adults. And now was scared that it might have been his fault. She didn’t look at him. “For what?” came a question. Her hoarse voice was quiet and distant. “For… what happened last night.” He wasn’t sure if he had the right to speak of… it. There, at the Waygate, he had finally seen the woman behind the Aes Sedai. Not Moiraine Sedai, Lady Damodred, not a random blue witch or a sister from the bloody White Tower of Tar Valon. Moiraine. 

Just Moiraine.

He had helped her last night. Her “thank you” filled with so much emotion, that humbled him. He didn’t have the time to think there since The Amyrlin had appeared. But now… Now, after the chaos had settled for the day, he had some time and quiet to think. And she was right there in front of him. Moiraine had been shielded. Not only that. Moiraine had been shielded for six months. He was shielded for a couple of hours and it felt like hell.

She had been carrying a shield for months.

What she had said to him in the Palace - it feels like you've lost everything that you ever were and everything you could possibly be. And with this nonchalant almost dismissive tone at that. As if it wasn't a big deal. Is that what it had been for her during all that time? She was running around, trying to get him away from Lanfear with just a knife, all alone. He briefly noticed that Lan wasn't with her. Since when she was alone? He had attacked her, thinking she had killed Selene! The stupidity... She has stood up to a Forsaken. Twice. For him.

No. Not for him. She believed it was for the whole world. She had dragged him around, and when he was about to drop from exhaustion and all he wanted was to sleep, she had said that this was not an option for her. How long has it been since that day? And all that time she had been powerless. Just a simple fragile woman. And Lanfear just threw them somewhere in the middle of nothing. The woman he trusted. He had trusted a Forsaken. Instead of the Aes Sedai who had saved the life of his friends.

Rand took a breath. Then he heard her:

“You removed the shield. For that I am thankful.”

He was about to protest, but she spoke again.

“Thank you for standing for me in front of Lanfear.”

He swallowed. That was sort of his fault too. Moiraine has agreed to his plan. But Lanfear… was slightly unpredictable. She had promised that the next time she saw him with Moiraine, she would kill her. It would have taken a flick of her wrist and… But that wasn’t what he meant either.

“I meant…” - his throat went dry. The fire cracked in the fireplace, and sparks flew around in the air. Muffled conversations from somewhere outside barely reached them. Otherwise, it was quiet. "The Amyrlin... She..."

“Don’t.”

The ice in her tone made him flinch. She had turned to him, he noticed it when he lifted his head to look at her direction. Then she added in an even more quiet voice, a whisper. "Please." She slowly shook her head and froze in place again. A distant memory from many months ago resurfaced - he had seen this face before. Back in the Blight, he had asked her if it was hard to leave Lan behind. She hadn’t spoken a word back then - her expression was oddly blank. She seemed far away, staring at the distance. Now she had the same look on her face. As if a wall was raised around her. Detaching her from the world. A safe place where she could hide her pain. But now he saw it. He had heard their conversation and the anguish in their voices. He had no idea that the terrifying Amyrlin seat meant something completely different for Moiraine. At first, he had thought they were close friends who grew up together like he had with Mat and Perin, had similar skills and experiences, shared the same view of the world, and were connected through The Tower. But... “If you ever loved me, don’t do this!”

It took him some time to understand the meaning behind the words.

“If you ever loved me”

Slowly her plea sunk in his brain. Words repeated in his head, voice cracking. The way she had said the name of the Amyrlin. The other woman did it anyway. The coldness in her voice like nothing he ever heard before snapped like a whip on a bare skin. Something big had happened there, he was able to understand this much. Something, that has shaken Moiraine to the core. The Amyrlin made her close the Waygate. She has accused Moiraine of lying and had spoken of an Oath... And somehow it was connected to him. The woman in front of him took a shaky breath. That was the only indication something was happening inside her. “Moiraine!” Lan's worried voice appeared from nowhere and stormed through the door. Nynaeve was right behind him. His whole attention focused on her. Nothing indicated trouble though. The pale woman just stood there, her back straight on her chair, and kept staring in front of her. Her eyes seemed fixed now in a certain spot but there was nothing in particular there.

Lan turned toward Rand and snarled. 

"What did you do?" 

"Nothing!", came the weak response.

Rand searched Nynaeve for help but she didn't look at him at all. Her attention was elsewhere. What he saw in her very much resembled guilt.

"What is wrong with her?"

"Stop talking, sheepherder!" 

Rand was on his feet worried and guilty. 

"Moiraine" , Lan's voice has changed. A sudden gentle tone appeared as if out of nowhere. 

He took a step towards her. When he got close, he touched her shoulder carefully. 

Moiraine exhaled. As if she had forgotten to breathe for a while there. She looked as if she was drowning just a second ago, and struggled to take a breath now. Her shoulders shook for a second.

"Moiraine! Look at me." It took her almost a minute, but she turned toward Lan. The glassy eyes barely registered that he was there. He was observing her, bowed before her as if trying to assess if she was somehow hurt. But her face showed nothing.

Lan leaned forward, he kneeled before her and their foreheads met. He closed his eyes, leading her to do the same. For a long moment, they stood like that. Not moving, not speaking. Only the muscles on Lan's face gave away a struggle, an effort, some underlying torture, that was left unseen by anyone else. Moiraine's face remained calm, almost serene. Then they both opened their eyes and looked at each other. 

Her mouth twisted slightly. Brows knitted, and her chin quivered. 

His hand went over her heart and remained there as if attempting to soothe an invisible wound.

"Oh, Moiraine!" 

A strangled sound came from her. 

Fear crept through Rand again. He didn't really understand what was happening before his eyes. What he saw was that the woman slowly was beginning to breathe more deeply and normally again. Her face though still taut, relaxed a bit, as she leaned into the man.

"Come on. Let's go get some rest." 

She nodded. 

He helped her stand up. But when she tried to take a step, her legs buckled, she swayed and stumbled. Lan grabbed her arm to steady her. One look at her and he nodded. With a swift move, as if he had done that many times before, he took her in his arms and lifted her. Her head fell on his shoulder immediately, she had closed her eyes and relaxed against him. The man carried her out with seemingly no effort at all. *** He stood behind the door for what seemed like ages, debating, arguing with himself. One part of him definitely screamed he had no right to go there, but the other was worried. Somehow he ended up worrying about an Aes Sedai. No. He corrected himself. Not an Aes Sedai. About Moiraine. Now his mind could see the difference. He knew that both were inseparable. But somehow they meant two very different things for him. There was no sound. Nobody has left the room for the night. It was almost dawn, but outside was still dark. Aside from the creaks here and there of wooden floors and beds, the whole building was quiet. Soft steps of the women who woke up early and started to roam around doing their daily chores could be heard. One of them approached, threw him a curious look, opened the door quietly, and entered the room. Rand hesitated for a couple moments but decided to use the opportunity. The woman left a tray with tea cups, water, and some food and left without a word.

Rand looked around in the semi-dark room. A few candles spread soft golden light but not enough to actually light up the room properly. His eyes finally landed on what he was looking for. There, on the thick mattress on the very floor, curled up under a blanket, the Aes Sedai was finally, finally asleep. Her face was now calm, she looked younger, even more beautiful than he remembered her. Behind her was her Warder, fully awake, his eyes fixed on the young man who just entered the room. His back against the wall, not moving a muscle, he was on his usual post - guarding his Aes Sedai dreams.

Rand finally understood him. The sudden urge to bow to this man startled him. A new respect for the Malkieri built within him. There was something else. Some other nagging feeling, unpleasant, underneath of it all. Shame. He was ashamed of his previous thoughts about this man.

"I just... wanted to see if everything is... I didn't want to..." Why all of a sudden his mouth refused to work.

"Learn to keep your mouth shut, sheepherder! That is your second lesson." Lan answered with a low voice. His face didn't change. There was no malice, nor anger. It was a simple statement.

"Is she… Is she going to be alright?"

 "She needs sleep."  He whispered. Rand nodded again. He turned around to leave the room. He heard Lan's quiet voice again behind him. "Sometimes it feels like she is carrying the world on her shoulders. Sometimes… this is actually true." 

[esterzach]

WoT music hints. Part II

Al'Naito sounded in all of her scenes but one in S1E6.

In the beginning, when young Siuan appears, it is a pure, fast, sweet choir, as if like children are singing.

Then the Amyrlin is introduced with the Aes Sedai melody. Somewhere throughout her confrontation with Moiraine in The Hall, we hear the same song, but somewhat distorted, hidden behind other sounds. Something is not quite right here. The song sounds scary but it's as if there is a static sound, that covers her. Later on, we understand why - she was pretending to keep their secret. When Moiraine enters through the secret door, her tune starts and it is in combination with a different song -gentle and strong. When they both start to speak honestly, as themselves, Al'Naito starts - it's different than in the beginning, slower, clear, more serious, but somewhat free and happy. Three different songs combine here - Moiraine's, Siuan's, and a third one, a new one. The last one is a part of "Two Halves on One Whole". In combination that is "Beyond the Hidden Door" theme.

Later on, Moiraine says goodbye to Tar Valon. Whatever melody sounds in this moment, it is absolutely heartbreaking. I think that her theme again but it reflects her mood. Then it bends, and what think I hear is the notes sound suddenly fake. They are in the Hall and Moiraine has to swear an Oath. The only thing that can be heard is the wind. We heard it before. It seems like The Tower is so high and spacious that the wind doesn't stop even inside. The thing is, this effect is not always there. It appears when certain people are in a scene. One is Moiraine. The other though...

During the Oath, we hear the "Two halves" melody again. One last time. Then is quiet again and only the wind is there. Then the cello.

Jump to S2E6. The Amyrlin appears and the Aes Sedai theme sounds loud and ceremonial. Then Liandrin steps in the scene and all of a sudden the theme sounds completely different.

Al'Naito sounds at the beginning of the next episode in the flashback- clear and happy.

And then, when they meet in the present - the room is silent. There is only wind. None of their themes is heard. No Aes Sedai theme, no Amyrlin theme. Nothing.

3 encounters they have. And while Moiraine's melody finally appears again after the shield is removed, we don't hear Al'Naito at all. Except once at the end, and it's just a distant echo, almost unnoticeable.

While "Two Halves" appears again. But it's only from Moiraine's side. It's a calling. And this is the second time it has been used this way.

But this time the melody doesn't continue into Al'Naito. It doesn't get to Siuan. Her song is not there at all.

Now I understand why Moiraine is quiet for a long time. She doesn't feel herself at all. No matter how desperate and scared she was before, her melody is present. Hell, she was dying, and the song is heard, even for a moment. It stopped completely after the shielding, indicating that she is so shaken, that she appears like a completely different person.

But Siuan? What happened to her, so that we hear this hollow sound of the wind when she is around? What is the intention behind this? The theme is both for Siuan as a personality and her position as an Amyrlin. None of that is here. And this is even before the clash and the arguments between the two.

Even with the supposedly caring gesture toward Moiraine, something seems not right. The sound of the wind makes things creepy and cold, it suggests an absence. And the moment becomes very different from the first one as a mood.

Add that to the inconsistent behavior of Siuan, and my alarm bells are going crazy.

No matter how much I'm trying to explain it, it just doesn't fit.

[esterzach]

Who are you, Moiraine Sedai? Part II

Whatever is happening here, it was before S2, and it was written before S2, so it doesn't make much sense. Also... might contain dark subjects. No, it will definitely contain dark subjects. Mentioning of things... that are not quite nice. Violence! Look, some parts are disturbing so, if you are a child or this isn't your thing, stay away. Gory images, scenes of ugly things, psychopaths, and all in all CSI meets The Wheel, and it's not pretty.

NO this is not a crossover, I don't do shit like that. I don't even know how people... Nevermind. AGAIN, STAY AWAY. K? If You are anything like me, keep eating, drinking and if you take a look, you'll be fine. *****

Fear. The cold fingers crawled over her skin, creeping inside her, slowly, with a force she didn't know how to stop. She didn't even know what was the reason for this, what was the source. But it was there. The look in her eyes has changed, her posture, even her movements. They became restricted, sharp, and short, far from her usual confidence and smooth-flowing way of moving around. As if a whole other person emerged from inside her and she didn't like this person. She didn't know this person, who seemed to be afraid of her own shadow. Who used the worst words pointing to every weakness and every negative outcome possible, just to torment her. 

She became familiar with the nightmares. It was just darkness, nothing else. And words whispered here and there. And fear. Not that there was anything to be afraid of in them. But they were horrifying anyway.  Darkness around her and in her, darkness she was falling into, trying to reach toward something and always missing it. This wasn't worth screaming in horror, but the screams came anyway. This wasn't worth crying over, she knew that, but the tears came anyway. And right before them, the attempt to breathe as well as the tired stillness of despair after was maybe worse. 

It was as if someone was beating her over and over again. But this time it was her soul who went to bed sore and woke up stiff and in pain.

The first time Moiraine woke up from the sound of someone's screams she was confused. A bone-chilling sound came to her ears and she felt bad for the poor soul who was screaming in terror for mere moments before she realized that it was her who was making those sounds. She was the one gasping for air, she was the one who broke into sobs after the reality sunk in. There were hands holding her steady, in a firm embrace, slightly swaying back and forth until her breathing calmed and the shaking stopped. And a voice. Deep, soothing voice, that touched her very soul. Simple "I'm here."

Over and over. "You are safe. I’m here. "

Lan hasn't abandoned her. Lan was still here. Lan is still on his post. 

Her body grounded to him, the sense of the presence of another human being, of someone who she could trust, maybe, most probably saved her. Deep down she knew it. But the torture has just began. 

The mist in her mind, in front of her vision, in her thoughts led her to bizarre places. Parts of her which she had been holding hidden, small ugly monsters of emotions and thoughts that were held at bay for a long time, were now growing tall and big. The woman was aware of them, and she was fine with them, she never allowed them to speak, because she knew they were parts of her human side, normal, but beaten into submission, in chains, surrendered to her control. Now as if something was feeding them. And these monsters were about to take over. 

She needed a guard, a sword of light against them. 

And he was there. 

Once it was Siuan. She provided comfort and strength. Light, how she missed her. Only days ago in her arms. Glimpses of pure pleasure and sheer happiness, of the inevitable torture and pain that will follow... Siuan was the calm and the safety amidst the storm of whatever entangled emotions were raging in her, Siuan was the taste and colour of life, she had the ability to make her laugh, an almost forgotten sensation in the last years.

Siuan was her freedom. The only person she trusted enough to be herself around, to be truly free, with no games, no masks, no fear. Siuan was also the thrilling arousal of the forbidden, a danger, sweet enough to make things even more intense, and her deepest secret. A secret she doesn't allow anyone to come close to. Anyone, except Lan. Land feels her joy and sorrow, her exhilaration and excitement when she is around, and this odd feeling, she lacks words to describe - the one on the edge between sweetness and torture, that sometimes becomes too much to bear. Lan knows the absent look on her face when she allows some distant bittersweet memory to invade her mind for a moment while on the road in some strange place with people, where she would feel the loneliness taking over. He is familiar with the ache in the pit of her belly when the doubt settles in her mind that she might never see Siuan again. 

Lan knows. Lan understands. Lan likes Siuan more than the vague idea of mighty The Amyrlin throne. He likes her because she is brave and tough, because of her twisted sense of humour and because she makes Moiraine bubbles with joy. When Siuan is around Lan is calm and gets to feel the sweet sensation of someone being loved. 

The last memories of Siuan resurfaced, to bring sadness and longing. She is there adoring her, holding her, and trying to fight the tears. Her look changes into questioning. What would she think of Moiraine now? How would she see her, an Aes Sedai without power, a channeler who can not channel - hollow titles, emptied of meaning. Who is this woman, a stranger to herself, would she even recognize her… Shame and regret filled her, old demons born out of insecurities started a forgotten fight within her. The familiar image of the woman's face appeared in her mind eye, bright smile and beautiful eyes, who watched her with pure love.

 For a brief moment. And was gone again. Like a dream. 

Her face was wet again. Somehow everything in her mind came to this cycle of torture, screaming, and tears. At one of those waking moments, she remembered a conversation with an unpleasant individual from years ago, which turned into something else...

The man had blood on his fingers still when he sat against her in the dirty inn.  He reeked of the smell of death and human filth.  Moiraine remembered the sheer panic of Lan - through the Bond he had somehow sensed how disgusted and terrified she was by this person. And he knew why. He resisted the instinct to grab her and run away from this place. But it was only because her face didn't give away anything and somehow she managed to calm herself enough to send the message through the Bond. He was leaning on a wall a few feet away from her, ready to leap, his eyes narrowed, scanning the area around. There was something about that place, which made both of them uneasy.

Men sitting around, drinking, people from different places if she was able to tell from the way they were dressed. Some of them were even wealthy, she caught glimpses of an expensive weapon, a dagger with a golden handle attached to someone's hip, a ring, or a part of leather and animal fur on clothes, things people cannot afford to demonstrate, let alone travel that far away from for a town if not absolutely secure about their ability to protect themselves or be protected. It was odd that there were so many people, and from so different places, as the building was standing alone in the middle of a forest too far from any main road.

There were almost no women, with a couple exceptions. Near the innkeeper, a step behind stood a girl. No more than fifteen, with black eyes, messy short hair, and tattoos on her indicating she wasn’t from here. No one else looked remotely like her. Moiraine heart clenched. She had recognized her tattoos. She knew exactly where this girl came from and she knew she didn’t belong here. They were too far away from her homeplace. But there was something about her that would make anyone look twice - the girl's eyes. As pretty as they were, they looked like they stared into an abyss, lifeless and unfocused. Moiraine thought for a moment that she saw fear in them, but her second glance showed her that whatever was once there, had vanished. The other woman was serving drinks, with a smile, that was plastered on her face, a mask, that held no warmth or sincerity. Cold blue eyes on a face once may even be considered beautiful, now in her fifty or more, she walked way too comfortably in this place. 

The young Aes Sedai needed to speak to this person, to know something. She paid him for the information with the sole intention of leaving as quickly as possible, cursing herself for trusting whoever sent her this way. 

And it would have been the end of it, common sense would prevail, and they would have left if his nature hadn't overcome him. 

He reached out and grabbed her hand. And all hell broke loose. 

The man never noticed Lan sitting in the shadows of the inn, he didn't know that the woman in front of him was Aes Sedai or was stupid enough not to care. 

 For days, even weeks after that the woman would stop and use every river, lake, or even a puddle on their way to wash her hands, trying to remove some invisible dirt on them, scrubbing them until they bled. She almost felt it on her, some irrational instinct driving her to try to get rid of it.      

Lan was worried. For the first time in years, he had that helpless sense that this was something beyond his knowledge. And he was right. It took her months to come to herself again and not to flinch every time Lan was reaching out to her or touching her. 

She remembered what was left of the building. Ruins, burning, and pure devastation. Thanks to her. Lan couldn't stop her. And he didn't really try. After all, he saw the deeds of the man, he saw his "art" in the basement below. He saw the bodies. Young men and women were slaughtered and chopped in pieces, tortured before their deaths. 

This was what the Aes Sedai had sensed. This was the filth she was trying so desperately to forget. It wasn't some unknown evil, it wasn't creatures created by a force of darkness. This was also a part of human nature - twisted, grotesque, and ugly, but human. The dark side of people, Moiraine always knew existed. Seeing it though... was something else entirely. She knew people could go insane during a war, or a desperate situation and commit horrible crimes. But there was no war, nor desperation. It was something planned, thought of, intentional, and cold. Somehow it has stuck with her, as well as the guilt.

 Not because of what happened. But for the poor people who lay dead in that basement. 

She didn't remember how it happened exactly. She only remembered the fear, the rage, and people rising fast from their chairs, the sound of drawing weapons, Lan taking out his sword, and the horrifying smile of the man in front of her. Someone grabbed her and she instinctively reached for Saidar. Later on, there were bodies, blood everywhere on her clothes, on her face, and the smell of burned-out flesh. Smoke... And that odd feeling as if she was missing something. 

There was a door that led them down to a big room under the building. 

In a few minutes she was throwing up violently through tears. On her knees in front of the inn, she was trying to breathe fresh air and to forget the smell. Lan was holding her. 

She stood up after a minute or two, took a few steps, and stopped. Sobs shook her body just for a moment, tears blurred her vision and rolled down. She stood there. Silent. Tears had stopped fast, she wasn't sobbing anymore, and she could hear the birds from the nearby forest, the noise of the wind, and the leaves of the trees. Nature didn’t care and after every storm, it continued its normal life, guilt-free. She didn't understand how a person could do that. There was a child down there. His big questioning eyes were open, his naked little body spread on a table. She would never forget those eyes. 

“We should go.”

Her voice was calm, as if nothing happened. 

“Moiraine…” - he looked at the direction of the building as if asking her what to do. 

“I will take care of it.”

She stood up on her feet. Silently her hands went up and started to move. Slowly, deliberately. It took a while, much more than usual, but this would take time. Wave after wave were combining with each other spreading, reshaping, and combining again. A fire broke somewhere inside the building, then another, and another. It licked the outside walls and created black smoke from inside. It was getting bigger with every passing second. The noise was deafening as if a storm was swirling and swallowing everything. The flames rose high as the age-old pine trees nearby. But she was still channeling. The structure made a sound like a monster dying groaning defeated. She needed to know that nothing would remain from the place. A small figure emerged from the inside - the strange girl, with the dead eyes. The girl had disappeared when the whole thing started, she was nowhere to be seen. They assumed she escaped. Moiraine gasped. She let go of Saidar and froze in her shock. She saw the girl, who stopped, just mounted her a silent “Thank you”, then turned around slowly and got back inside the burning building.  

“No!”

She screamed and tried to go towards the inn, but couldn’t make a step. A hand, an iron grip over her elbow had caught her and didn’t allow her to move. She tried to pull, but her strength was no match for the man. She turned toward him, furious, screaming in his face. He didn’t move. His face showed no emotion, he just watched her, with no intent to let her go. Behind her something roared, loud crack woke up the whole forest. Moiraine turned around just in time to see the whole structure collapsing into a burning, smoking pile. She could just watch. They were close enough to feel the heat and the horrible smell of smoke. It was over. She swayed a bit, but he was still holding her and didn't allow her to stumble or fall. When she turned to look at Lan, her face had streaks of tears, mixing with droplets of blood from someone who had the bad idea to get too close to her. Her shoulders dropped as if her whole body suddenly lost whatever strength it had left. He finally let go of her arm. She took a step to him. Slowly her head fell on his shoulder. His hand cradled her. They just stood there, listening. The birds started to sing again.

This event took a toll on her. But she felt safe. She had him. His confidence, his strength, his calm and occasional care. A soft side of a man who almost never smiled, who rarely spoke. After this, it was the first time that she and Lan shared a bed. He held her through the night. The bond had its benefits. His worry and his love for her felt like a warm blanket, wrapped around her on a chilly night. But his physical presence was even better. 

That night she woke up from her dreams in the darkness, and she immediately felt his arms around her. She knew he was awake. He had felt her fear, and although he had seen and felt the same, his calmness overtook her. 

It was that knowledge, that he was always there and she had someone to lean on when she was about to fall, that had saved her. Now the weirdest of memories, long buried under the immediate necessity of her mission, were resurfacing, reappearing, as if to relive them in their pure horror. Her mind was a mess for days, priorities pushed aside, logic crumbling, grasping for straws or drowning. And there was no one in the back of her mind to bring her calm. But the screaming had stopped. Eventually, she somehow knew, the tears would stop too.

[esterzach]

I love digging through things, listening, or reading people's thoughts about how they perceive the things they watch. There is always something new, something that will lead to a new angle, a new way of seeing things, or an idea. Even if it's the opposite opinion, it can lead to the point where I can change my mind about one thing or make solidify an opinion ( out of simple stubbornness sometimes). The need for a dialog and conversation makes things clearer. Almost always. Different opinions are precious. One word or expression can lead to a new perspective.

Unlike many, I love the whole drama between Moiraine and Lan in the first two episodes. But these two have known each other for 20 years. So that seems... stupid? Unlike them maybe...

From the beginning of S1, Moiraine's depression was expected. Her being mean to Lan though... I get at some point lashing out to your closest when you are hurt and there is no one to blame... Still, that was her attitude for the last 6 months? And she is vicious. It's not only cutting him off and not talking to him. And he sees through that right away and rightfully so is pissed off. Because it is offensive, to exclude someone who walked and fought shoulder to shoulder with you, shared everything, all of a sudden sending the message that he is not that important. 

It gets worse. She is implying this is not something new. She was withholding things from him for a while, maybe since the beginning, or at least that's what she wanted him to think, keeping him in the dark about many things. That line bothered me "We've never walked this path together. You've never seen the forest for the trees, because I've never shown it to you." He knows about their mission everything, he needs to know. Well, at least up until 6 months ago, when she was skipping a couple of things. Like Rand being alive and Ishamael being freed. Even when she says that it still feels that it's not enough. That statement goes for a lot more than this. (And we know now that there is more that she hides - that she released the Bond and she had been preparing that for quite some time). Now that is enough material to be angry and offended at if you had complete trust in someone for many years. Hell, they are in each other's heads. How is that even possible? To be so blind, so deceived. And he loses it. Anyone would be furious. But even after that, he is still there, still telling her "I am not letting you walk away from me again". Her "I know" says a lot. The unspoken "That's why I am going to go further." The threat to take away his choice and hurt him, make him go with someone else by force is genuine, she will do it.

She is actively aiming to piss him off landing blow after blow. All the time.  And it works. Because he eventually gets to a place where he asks: "I swore myself to you, because I trusted you. Because I thought we were in this together. Equals. That was never true, was it, Moiraine?" "We were never equals." Most of us see right through it. After the initial WTF, woman?! How could she say that?, there was the "Oh, she means she always thought she was better than him!" Especially since that comes right after their previous conversation where she downright tells how she chose him for her Warder. Because he was braver than her. One last moment of honesty, one last present for the road. And she sends him away. She knows he will ignore that little moment until much later, that he will be too distracted now, will focus on the other matter - that she sends him away. He will be distracted enough to ignore her words, until much later when he is calm and goes through their conversations, and will remember that confession and it will eventually realize the meaning behind words. That memory walk was placed there on purpose. We hear it, but because we aren't that angry with her, we weren't treated like we were inferior for months, we get it. He doesn't. And that's the plan.

Moiraine understands he knows her well and sees what she is trying to do, and her trying to push him away or try to make him leave her would never work. He will see through her, and ignore her. He is angry at her, but he is still there. She had her confirmation - she tried to leave and he followed her, and they were almost killed. That probably served to make her feel she was right about her plan.  And she landed the last blow with "We've never walked this path together." And that leads him right where she wanted him to be. In order for "We were never equals" to be perceived as it was from him, she had to undermine his confidence in the meaning of their relationship, of their mission, of the way she sees him. She had to erode his confidence in her, to make him doubt about how she actually thinks of him. With lines like "Door" or "I'll have my dinner here". This is not the writers enhancing Moiraine's unpleasant features from the book, because they were never there in the show at all. I feel like unless she needs to behave like that in some situations, she avoids consciously this type of behaviour, because she doesn't like it. Treating people like servants must leave a bad taste, considering her origins and her stay in The Tower and she never used it before. Now she does. And blatantly at that. She is pulling off this to Lan of all people. And she needs to do that for quite a while, so it looks believable to him. Everyone eventually will get tired of certain behaviours, no matter how patient they are. And it works. Just for a while though. 

[esterzach]

Human touch

I'm sorry... People make these gifs and I see some scenes and things just escalate... Also again - I might be slightly bored with everything

*** Cold. Skin tight, it felt like cracking with every move, covered with blood, dust, and sweat. She just wanted to get rid of all the dirt on her. At least that. Everything hurt. And despite the warm pleasant air in the room, she felt cold. Shivered. As if the heat from the fire just couldn’t get to her. Now that she had no way of getting warm, her blood ran cold inside her veins. She undressed almost all of her clothes, leaving on just a skirt and the silk undershirt, soaked with the blood of the woman whose throat she had slit just hours time ago last night. She had turned into a stone-cold killer. Granted, she had slit the throat of someone who won't hesitate to kill anyone on her way but that didn't make her feel that much better. She actually didn't really care about her.

She would be just fine... It wasn't easy to kill that one. But then she had slaughtered a horse. A horse! Not just any animal.

Her faithful companions throughout her whole life. The creatures she loved with all her heart. She owed them so much, sometimes even her life. Ever since she was a child, a ten-year-old girl in a world that would prove to be too much, she received a precious gift. Her first horse. She loved riding. Riding meant freedom. Riding meant she would feel alive, she would feel the wind in her face and the firm ground bellow carried by the strength of the muscles of a strong animal. Riding gave her an open road and purpose and a way for her anger to dissipate into something manageable. These magnificent animals often accepted quietly her sorrow, her loneliness, everything. And now she had turned and with no mercy had cut the throat of one. But her priorities were clear. The fate of the world hung on the threads thinner than ever before, and the only thing that kept them from breaking was Rand's life and sanity. Not hers. She had to remind herself. She shouldn't stop. She couldn't.

Both numb and overstimulated, trying to hold on to some control over herself, she just wanted to lie down and sleep. Sleep forever, forgetting everything. The sight of the big comfortable bed made her whimper quietly. It wasn’t an option. She knew who was waiting for her in the dream world. Instead, she took a cloth, dipped it in the water, and started to wash herself. Every movement sent flashes of pain to her brain and the tempting wish to just give up screamed in her mind.

The door opened. Moiraine flinched. Not many people would dare to disturb her. But in her state, someone’s eyes on her observing her vulnerability weren't exactly welcomed. Anvaere didn’t wait for an invitation. She tried to speak to her, but Moiraine retreated in her usual silence. This forced habit was hard to maintain when she was this tired. So her sister gave up. She didn’t push. She didn’t insist. She saw her state and just wanted to offer some relief. She took the cloth from Moiraine’s hands and started washing her. The careful, gentle touch of her sister got to her very soul. She stiffened. The habit of being suspicious had made her cynical. Made her wonder what the other person really aimed to. And she bit, almost in an instinct. A defensive mechanism toward everyone who dared to try to look around the protective walls. But her sister seemed to understand. Her initial anger from the last days had melted. Years of resentment and bitterness with no explanation or understanding as to why her sister has refused to come back home, to even see her at all, and all it took was one look from the other woman to see through her. To see how weak and lost she was and how much she needed... someone. It took her some time to relax against the touch of Anvaere. Light, how much she needed this. She wished she could turn around and just hug her, seek some comfort in another human that at least once loved her. Someone that she loved dearly. Decades of isolation and detachment, of keeping one secret after another, of looking around for enemies or friends who talked too much made her suspicious of everyone. Her mission required it. But the human need was still present. How long has it been since someone touched her? Months… At least six. Since she and Siuan had that one night. Several hours for themselves. Just that. 

“Rest.” "You think I can sleep now?” “I’m here.” Siuan’s voice sounded soothing in her ears. Her touch, gentle, and calming, familiar more than anything, finally sent the right message to her brain. You are safe, it’s ok. And she had slept. Deep, dreamless sleep, guarded by the woman, with the sounds of the river around her. Away from the world, that provided nothing but hurt and danger and anxiety. Gone were the hard ground and the thorns of the road, cold and rain, and the dry dust, blades, and poison through her veins, gone was the noise of battle, the screams and the moans of dying people. Gone was the smell of blood. The breeze brought the fresh scent of the plants and the wet soil around the river. Her mind was quiet. Even Lan's thoughts and worry weren’t there. Lan… The rush of guilt settled in her stomach and twisted painfully. Her throat - restricted… And she had to make an effort to breathe. Light, what have I done? No, stop it! No regrets, none. He will be safe. He will be fine. He will live! He will have the chance to be happy. He will be fine! He will hate her, but that doesn’t matter. He will feel confused and guilty maybe, angry for sure. Humiliated, maybe. It will pass. Oh, Lan!

She swallowed. There were harder things she had done. Much harder. Like what? Leaving Siuan. Again. Leaving Siuan and the Tower knowing she is going to The Eye. Knowing that she would most likely die. Or not. No matter. It would have been easier though. But Min’s words sounded hollow in her head and brought hope and desperation at the same time. Light, it would have been easier for everyone. But she lived. And he had come for her. Again. Like always. He followed her into the damn Blight.

Lan. Light, she missed him. The last time she allowed him near was at The Eye. Too weak to distraught she had sunk in his embrace. He had hugged her, while she cried. She no longer sensed him in her head, but his presence, his body was familiar and so needed at this moment. Lan's strong arms and gentle hands around her, caressing her, holding her, soothing her. Safe. The one secure place, calm during the storm.

She never allowed him too close after that. Pushing him away again and again with every ounce of energy she had left. He had to stay away. He had to let her go, he had to go… The world had faded slowly, colours, sounds, tastes, everything felt less… Tasteless, numb, colourless… Everything but him. She wished she could somehow tell him, that everything became irrelevant and blurred. Everything but him.

His eyes never lost their colour. His presence never faded, he was still there, strong, and firm, giving her confidence. The warm brown of his look, albeit angry and sad now, never lost its appeal. Still felt as loving and as warm as before. How much she craved him in all those months. His touch and rare smile were so much needed. She wished she could tell him. Little gestures - a hand on her back, lifting her to her horse, on her arm to calm her and message her to stop when she was in danger of going too far. Arms around her to provide much-needed stability when her legs felt wobbly when she was about to give up, completely. A hug, his fingers in her hair, just for a moment. Like a sip of water on a hot day. Cooling her. His body near her - a solid and stable rock in the sea storm. And she didn't need to speak, to explain, didn't have the need to look for the right words, to put an effort to explain every moment, didn;t need to justify her emotions and actions, didn't face the risk of being misunderstood. Because he knew. A tug of emotion, a look, and a nod. A smile and a glint in her eyes and he would smile back knowingly. Her throat felt tight. "I am sorry."

But she had to. It was alright. He would be safe. Away from her. She wanted to weep. So tempting was this want - to crumble on the floor and just give up. So close was the relief, that death even looked tempting. No. This is just the exhaustion talking, not her. For too many years the deprivation of human touch and kindness had turned her into this cold, unpleasant person that even she didn’t like. Somewhere a small but loud part of her whispered that she didn’t even deserve the small gestures of good nature she received from time to time. But she had Lan and Siuan to keep her sane. Now they were away, too far to provide comfort and it was all her doing. Leaving The Tower, the damn cold places filled with all kinds of memories - memories that disturbed her sleep, memories sweet and hopeful, warm and quiet, whispers of joy and laughter. They stirred her and brought prickles of tears behind her eyes. And then it was him - her last solid grasp of humanity, his loyalty, and kindness capable of bringing her back from whatever dark abyss she was about to fall. A great gentle human heart, she crushed with a flick of her hand, between her fingers with almost no mercy. She hoped he would eventually remember her words and the meaning behind them. But something told her that without him near her, her cynicism would take over. The water will really become ice. Not only on the surface. It will turn into hard rock inside her. And no one and nothing will be able to reach her. It would be only the mission. A world that needed saving. A world, that did not care whether she was in it or not. Anvaere's voice brought her back to the present - quiet and careful.

"I know you, Moiraine. Your whole life you've always known what you wanted to do. Yet now I am looking at you and I don't think you have any idea what you want to do next..." All of a sudden it became too much. Walls and facades crumbled under the pressure of their own weight, and the mask of the Aes Sedai, trained to hide her emotions slipped and under the cracks, the woman who had taken the weight of the world on her shoulders for far too long came out, battered and wounded and just wanted to scream. Her soul pushed through the steel jaws of her resolve to be strong, to appear strong, to not feel anything. A soundless whimper. Her chin trembled. She turned around ashamed. It had been months since she had cried in front of anyone, months since she had been honest with anyone, with herself. She needed this, a moment of honesty, a tiny bit of truth amongst the games.

And the truth she spoke. Her fear, her weakness, the danger they were in. Rand needs protection. And I don't know if I can provide it. Not against what's chasing him. And there is every chance that you, Bartaness, and this entire city would be caught in the crossfire If I make the wrong choice." She expected the blow of Anvaere's anger. She expected her blame. Instead, the other woman calmly stated a fact: "You should've stayed away." Moiraine's laughed bitterly through tears: "I know"

What she didn't expect was Anvaere's forgiveness. It didn't matter how little she knew, the danger she realized they were in, not even all the bitterness piled up from Moiraine's absence and attitude. Under everything, was the person who she once knew. Her little sister who had worshiped her and listened to her. What Moiraine didn't notice was that this was still her home, and it was kept as it was once before, her room with all her possessions, the huge paintings on the walls, that preserved the perfect image of a young woman. An image that now lived only in her sister's mind and that she had frozen in time with a loving hand. She had forgotten that if she couldn't lie, the rest of the world still was able to. And Anvaere still carried that Moiraine in her heart.

"When I was a little girl, I got an excellent piece of advice once from my very smart, much older sister. She told me if something is upsetting you or making you afraid, you ask yourself one simple question. Is it true? Can you know beyond any doubt that it's true?" Moiraine exhaled and nodded. But Anvaere continued: "Can you know, beyond any doubt that Rand needs your protection?" Moiraine stopped. A new thought, a different angle, a point of view that she never considered before formed slowly from Anvaere's words. "It was excellent advice, wasn't it?" Her voice was small, but the hope in it, albeit weak, has returned. Her sister smiled. A genuine smile. "I've used it often in the last forty years." Moiraine reached out and touched her sister's arm, a gesture so simple for anyone else, but for her, it was like jumping over an abyss between two rocks. A small "thank you", a habit that needed to be relearned. The long-forgotten habit of being just human. She wasn't alone. Not completely. Not at this moment. Someone else was reaching toward her very carefully, reminding her of who she once was. There was water under the ice. And the ice... can melt. Under the warmth of a simple human touch.

[esterzach]

This will contain spoilers.

I was going to say if you haven't seen The Good Wife, it's great and it's worth it, but does that work on people? Because based on my experience, it means next to nothing to me when it comes to movies and TV shows(or books). Investing many hours in something just because someone likes it might not be an ideal way to promote a story.

Or maybe I just constantly sabotage myself by instinctively doing the opposite of what people tell me...

So I would just say that this show in my opinion has the writing any respectable TV product should aim for, the cast is almost flawless, with some of the most interesting characters, but it's not for everybody. I feel like many people won't be able to understand or will hate certain aspects of it.

The last call. My comfort episode. I have no idea why I am coming back to this over and over again. It's like torture. But time and time again, I am looking for it and I am more than willing to go to that place... I don't even know.

A reminder maybe.

Years ago when I watched it for the first time I was sad because of the story... and Alicia, I guess. Now... I'm stunned. I don't really remember any particular moments or episodes from another show that depict grief over a character. Aside from The X-files probably. But this one hits hard. This and the next one. Whoever wrote this... at least to me it hits home. To me this is brilliant.

Some time ago I started to watch The Good Wife again. Thank god for the television from about 10-20 years ago, because of what they produce now ... well, anyway. But it is stunning.

Now I love Julianna Margulies, and I am biased (which might be an understatement in this case), but the woman has probably around several kg of awards of all types, including Golden Globes and Emmys from the time before half of the kids around here were even born, so I might be onto something. She is scarily good. 

The depiction of grief though. Every bit is on point.

The shock and the quiet confusion. The mundane scenes around you suddenly seem to make you burst out in tears. The empty feeling of everything. The anger to everybody and nobody in particular. Toward the whole world.

I love how there is not a moment of surprise. Everything is predictable. Almost like human behavior in a time that has happened millions of times throughout human history. Something we have all experienced in one or another way. They just had to write it down.

It’s not a surprise that Alicia is able to talk to strangers about what happened, and not to the closest people in her life. It’s not appropriate, they never understood, and they are not supposed to know what it meant.

Diane's reaction toward the crying girl was so real. This, this is what it feels like! Who are you, to even dare to grieve for someone you barely knew! How dare you, the stranger, even pretend that you care? You have no right to hurt, because you can’t even come close to knowing who this person was, how amazing he was, how important to me! The cold, brutal reaction and the immediate shift when she sees Alicia. In a second from intimidating angry matrona, she turns into a gentle protective heartbroken friend, who offers a hug. Almost motherly. Diane, who never had children, offers her comfort like a mother would do for a child.

 And this is the only comfort and hug Alicia receives and accepts the whole episode. Later on, her husband tries awkwardly to comfort her. This goes as well as we probably expect.

 All arguments and quarrels forgotten, Diane knows. Alicia's expression says enough. Her confidence and strength are gone, this is not the calm dangerously intelligent lawyer we are used to seeing. Alicia is devastated and Diane doesn't hesitate to offer help. Her voice on the phone in the voicemail to Alicia is soft and careful. She is not turning to a colleague there. It's almost as if she is about to break the devastating news to a wife about her husband.

But Will is not a husband, and Alicia is not allowed to think that way. The thing is… when you have suppressed yourself for a long time, it comes a moment when it doesn’t matter anymore. And you can’t just go on pretending anymore, because it took strength and now that strength is gone.

Even so, David Lee offers her condolences! David Lee says “I'm sorry” to her. The cynical, vicious divorce lawyer, whose views of romantic relationships are among the worst in the whole movie somehow understands that THIS is who he has to console. This little detail!

I hate how they handled Kalinda's reaction in this episode and the next ones. It’s logical for her to be angry and lash out. But she never attempted to look for Alicia, and she was the one who knew about her and Will. I know they don’t have common scenes after some point, and it was a nice touch that Kalinda was the one who delivered the news to Alica. I love that Alica called her and attempted to talk to her. That was the second person she reached out to, but the first one she was honest with, the first and the only one she shared how she feels like, that she actually talked to. “I don’t know what to do, Kalinda!”

I loved Eli’s reaction when he heard the news. Yes, this is shocking, the death of a person is sad and all. But it’s not that. Suddenly he is scared. Because he knows. He might never actually be told, and he might never see it directly, but he has seen her reactions every time the subject appears, he had observed how this polite quiet woman, who rarely shows emotion, is in the moments when Will is only mentioned. He had been observing her and in a way he admired her, he knew how composed she could be in times of crisis. And he was terrified. The way she flinches when he tries to touch her shoulder - the beginning of her detachment from the world.

I like the scene with Grace, even though it’s a hell of a frustrating thing to observe and listen to that conversation. The infuriatingly naive stance of her daughter and her attempt to comfort her mother is almost laughable. It made me remember every time Alicia has suppressed her own anger, fears, and hurt to protect the feelings of her children. At some point, Grece even tells her “Mom, you have to protect us better”, when Alicia has no control of her husband's actions and of the actions of the rest of the world. I know she is just a kid, and has a lot to learn, but at the same time, it makes me wonder if it’s Alicia’s own fault in a way. Grace’s naivety is a repetitive theme throughout the series, and sometimes it comes off as a stupidity. She laughs at the animation of her father being with prostitutes or is relieved when she thinks her father has nothing to do with the dirty attempts to smear his opponent in the election. That wishful thinking resurfaces here again, but this time Alicia is in no mood for her nonsense. And tells her that. It felt like she was tired of constantly shielding her daughter who is big enough to understand some things. And Grace knows it’s not a just colleague her mother grieves over.

 I love the little detail with Peter realizing she would not respond to his calls so he takes Eli’s phone and both men understand then and there what it means when she picks it up. I love how Peter is attempting to be polite and comforting, almost as if trying to fool himself that he is the one who has the right and it’s his job to do it because he is the husband, and the blatant lie when she said her phone was off. They both know she is lying, but they both ignore it.

The end… Probably one of my favourite scenes in the show. While returning to her apartment, tired, Alicia looks surprised to find her husband there. He offers his condolences, and she just responds with “I know”. He hugs her and then and there is I think the moment when she realizes it’s over for her and her husband. It probably was over a long time ago. But this is the moment she comes to terms with it and finally doesn’t care anymore. I think Will’s death brought the clarity she needed to understand and accept her own feelings. No more pretense for the sake of something else or someone else. No more excuses. No more nice and polite. No more “the good wife”. She doesn’t respond to the hug and her just standing there showing no emotion is a stronger statement than anything else. The man who is hugging her could easily be a stranger. And it’s in a way his doing. Humiliation after humiliation, hurt, loneliness, abandonment… I feel like after everything, she is too tired to care and carry the marriage on her shoulders. 

And the sweetest part - Peter sees it. He notices that she doesn’t react. Being unable to get to her in the moment when she is the most vulnerable must be a huge hit to his ego. The ultimate offense. He had known her for 20 years more or less, and he had probably seen everything from her. What's worse - at some point before that he admits he has fallen in love with her all over again. Good luck with that, pal. 

And to solidify her resolve, the show offers a glimpse directly into her mind. They have done it here and there - with the daydreaming and dreams. This time is conscious. These are not flashes of imaginary scenes of romance, bits of her hidden desires, slipped accidentally into her mind. Throughout the whole episode she tries to figure out what Will thinks of their relationship, what were his last thoughts about them, and finally decides to believe that he too was in love and wanted to have it all with her. As sad and devastating as this idea is in this particular situation, there is a certain level of comfort there. And finality. This is where her mind settles. This is who she will love, and no one can have access to that. A solid wall is put between this part of her heart and the rest of the world, including the father of her children. One last call, that never happened, professing his love for her, will be the last memory she has of him. Forever.

[esterzach]

Lan and Moiraine

The Bond is not the same for everyone. Equal! It is a relationship between two people who stand on the same level and neither of them tries to step on the other or have a battle for dominance. This is not a master / servant relationship, Lan is not there to serve her sexually, he is not there to hand her a snack or because he is grateful that she saved him from some misery. These are not Alana and her warders / boy toys, this is not Kerene with Stepin, who has to earn her somehow, to rise to her level. Lan and Moraine are something else. He makes his own decisions when she is unable, fights with her when he thinks she is wrong, and even allows himself to command her: „Be back before dawn.” „ Is that an order?” She asks jokingly. To which he responds in a very serious tone: „Does it sound like a suggestion?” I wonder how many of the other warders can afford this type of conversation with their Aes Sedai? But neither Moraine nor Lan are random people. Their background makes perfect sense why their relationships are different than the rest.

I don't know if the comparisons and oppositions are purposeful, but it's so obvious. Lan won't give her a fig in front of everyone, because that's not their relationship, he's not there for that. He stands next to her and asks, "Do you want me to be with you right now?" He senses her turmoil, and offers her a support, which she refuses. That is not part of his duty - her decision and her personal emotional battles are not part of the deal, even though he can sense them.  He gives her water, takes care of her wounds and carries her, tells to her to rest when he sees her exhausted, because his priority is to keep her alive. He does not comment in a joking tone on Moraine, as Alana's guards allow themselves to do. That is not his territory to comment on, their relationships are not for the others, her secrets are for no one else. This is respect. Kerene and Stepin gossip about Moraine and Lan, wondering if they're talking at all. Alana signals to her guards to follow her and they get up and follow her like obedient puppies ready to please her. Against this background, Moraine is not there at all, Lan decides by himself when he should leave, no one has called him, no one is looking for him when he is not needed. He has the freedom to roam around and communicate with whomever he likes. That is her respecting his personality and borders. 

He goes to her later, feels she is upset, and thinks it's his fault. „WE lost them.” Says Moraine.

„I lost them.” Lan replies.

„Your losses are mine. And mine - yours.”

You are not allowed to feel guilty, you are not allowed to take something on your back because you are not alone in this.

A team, one organism, with a common goal. A goal that is much more important than small details and insignificant emotions.

Nobody blames anyone.

No time for bullshit.

[esterzach]

What have I done III

Part I

Part II

It was snowing. Large soft white crystals fell on her hair and face and melted to replace the tears. They tried to cover everything, but the freshly dug ground remained muddy. Her frozen fingers could barely feel the glass of the small cup with the flame burning in it. The wind went through everything, bringing a chill that reached to the bones. It was as if time itself was responding to events. Moraine was grateful for the cold.

The stiff earth barely allowed digging, but the dead had to be buried. To be brought back into the Mother's embrace. Ritual, though painful, was necessary.

It allowed people to grieve, to cry out their pain, to say goodbye. 

Shock was still in the air, women and men silently leaving friends and enemies in the ground. 

 It came to that – people to turn against people, Aes Sedai to kill the very people they were sworn to protect. Not some unnatural evil, but the people themselves started wars.

The woman dressed in blue walked amongst the graves with her sisters, cold and composed, performing a ritual. She was burying a friend. A sister. And felt cold and numb. Even Liandrine was crying. Moiraine wasn’t.

She saw Kerene’s warder, carrying her body, laying it in the ground. The man was devastated. She saw her own warder, kneeling next to him, supporting him. The guilt hit again.

She put the candle on Kerene’s body.

„May the last embrace of The Mother welcome you home.”

Kerene was one of the most powerful Aes Sedai she knew. The woman was older than Moiraine, and Moiraine knew her since she was in the Tower. She was a warrior, wise and calm, and serious. Respected. The woman in blue had no doubts – Karene gave her life to save them both with Liandrine. She saw that the shield they were holding over Logain was about to be broken and she sacrificed herself.

She hadn't slept that night. The cold and the gloomy mood of the camp affected everyone, even Nynaeve stood as if numb after the events. Moraine made no attempt to reach her, she knew the woman harbored hostility towards her and left Lan to watch her. Lan had developed a bond with her, and what Moraine had seen in the cave the day before was proof that her intuition had not deceived her. Things were about to get complicated and only Moraine rightly felt she had no control over the situation, and whatever she did from now on regarding  Nynaeve, she would do as she decided. Not that it would have stopped her from trying to guide her, but the woman's stubbornness was so obvious that only a fool would believe he could control her. Moiraine only hoped that  Nynaeve would instinctively choose the right decisions, despite everything. 

When she stood and looked up, her thoughts were on Lan. His eyes met hers, and like so many times before, the silent exchange with her warder was more than many words spoken. A paralyzing fear and sadness passed from him to her, the scene around them - a horrifying mirror of events that could easily become their reality. Twenty years ago, Moraine had started a war and chosen him as her battle companion. Never before had the feeling of loss been so close, and the breath of death seemed to lick at her skin, reminding her of the inevitable.

The road to Tar Valon took longer than it would have if Moiraine and Lan had been alone. Now with the procession of Aes Sedai and warders , the two of them  rode slowly after everyone. There was no way to get out of Liandrin and Alanna's sight, and the only thing Moraine could hope for was that her Three Rivers protégés were alive and traveling. Wherever they were at this moment. 

When the spire of the White Tower stood before their eyes in all its glory, after two years on the road, Moiraine's heart flipped. Nostalgia grabbed her by the throat, and the mixture of emotions she was feeling at that moment quickly reached Lan. 

“You haven't been home in a while?”

“Do you still think of it as a home?” - Her voice had become soft, full of nostalgia. She didn't mean him. Lan had never lived in Tar Valon.

“Don’t you?”

“This saddle is home, these boots, this brooding man beside me!” a bright smile lit her face. The man beside her responded with the same. That smile was rare lately, and moments like this even more so. There was an anticipation in her, a barely contained thrill that tickled and warmed her insides. It wasn't Tar Valon, or the White Tower, that brought this out in her. Tar Valon was just a city, the Tower just a building she had once lived in. It was the memories and the people. It was the anticipation and the worry of the days to come. 

Her gaze slid forward to the column that had lingered. Nineveh's green coat shimmered somewhere far ahead of them in the crowd. 

 “Do you think she's ready for what awaits her in the White City?” asked Moraine. 

“You think she talks to me?”

„She eats every night around the warders' fire!" there was a teasing edge in her voice, a slight joke thrown in there. She knew perfectly well that he wouldn't catch on, but the light-heartedness that was rarely theirs made her feel hopeful for a moment. Lan wasn't someone who shared easily, even with her. Often their silence was more eloquent than anything said. 

“She's worried... about Stepin. Warders weren't supposed to outlive their Aes Sedai.”

It was a simple statement. No afterthought. No intent to hurt. Yet Moraine felt the blow with full force. There was no accusation, just fact. The guilt fell over her with the weight of decades. He was right. Warders were not supposed to outlive the women they were sworn to protect. But if it were up to Moraine, some rules and traditions would be burned and forgotten under the ashes of  their own fire.

“Stepin is a strong man. He'll return her ring to the Tower...”

A meaningless statement, but it was all she could say at the moment. The first oath didn't allow her to lie, and it was the only true statement that wouldn't sound desperate. A feeble attempt to inspire hope that sounded even more bleak once she heard it in her own voice. 

For a month, she'd managed to keep any emotions under the iron grip of her self-control, pushing them back and erecting walls around them. And in a single moment of inadvertence, tears invaded her eyes,  tears she had been swallowing for too long. She turned her face away, but what was the point when he would have sensed them-in her voice, through their  Bond...

“Do you think the other four will be there?” Lan asked.

“If they're there, we'll find them. If they're not... Well, we'll find them.”  The attempt to fake a smile has failed miserably, her face twisted with sadness.

She swallowed hard, and looked away. The conversation was over. She had shut down again. 

This war was going to cost thousands of lives. What were one or two more? She knew how it would end, but this man was no random soldier whose name she would never know. She loved this man with all her soul. She had come to know him as herself in all the years beside him. And she'd doomed him before she even realized what that meant.

What have I done?

She knew they had no choice, that their purpose was far more important than themselves. She knew he understood it. But her reason and her emotions were rarely in agreement. There were moments when a bloody battle was fought within her, where the two halves of her mind confronted each other with bared teeth, biting and tearing off pieces of her soul. And neither was backing down.

[esterzach]

What have I done Part II

 Moraine couldn’t sleep. Although her wound was healed, she was still struggling with exhaustion, and it would take days for her to recover from the treatment. And her mind refused to find the peace she needed right now.  

The meeting with her „sisters'' left her raw, almost as the wound she carried for days. The wound that nearly took her life. It wasn’t that much of a big deal or something to dwell over unnecessary. It’s not like it happened for the first time. She had him. And the almost arrogant certainty in his abilities to keep her safe, to keep her alive long enough to find help. Not that there wasn’t a chance for something to go wrong - for her to end up dead and for her warder to end up with a broken bond and soul. Guilt hit her anew, this dreadful feeling, heavy in her stomach, that squeezed her insides. She took a breath, and decisively pushed these thoughts away.

But the conversations from today were on repeat in her mind. Liandrine, Alanna, Kerene - all women she knew for years looked at her with suspicion. She was a stranger to them, as much as they were for her. Liandrine never missed the opportunity to bite with venomous sarcasm, leaving no room for interpretation. She was less than happy when she saw Moiraine, never cared for her being wounded, just bragging about her trophy from a successful hunt. For a moment there Moiraine was worried, but after seeing the man in front of her, she knew The Red ajah  was wrong yet again. 

Whoever Logain was, he wasn’t The Dragon Reborn, but just a man, cursed with the ability to touch a mighty force of nature, only to face more suffering than he could ever have imagined. She felt bad for this man. It wasn't his fault. It wasn’t anyone's fault. Just a random will of the Wheal, she would never understand. Nature didn’t care that saidin was tainted. Male channelers were born anyway, just as female ones. But they were dangerous. For themselves and to others. But doing what Moiraine and Lan saw Liandrine did weeks before that, was against the rules, against any morals or common sense. No wonder the Aes Sedai were hated in some places.

In some way, the meeting with Kerene and Alana wasn’t so much better. The woman never held the same hostility as Liandrine towards Moiraine, she was a friend as much as she could be for someone who was never there. But she was wondering the same things as everyone else. As a Green sitter she has made Alanna extract information out of Moiraine, and Alanna, being blatantly honest as usual, admitted it through laughter. Compared to the two women, Moiraine felt even more silent and closed. Which she knew would only throw more fuel into the gossip fire. And although they both weren’t enemies, somehow she felt uneasy. At least with Liandrine she knew where she stood. Both women were nice to her, but they had their agenda and every contact with them meant another opportunity for something to go wrong, for a mistake to happen, for something to slip.

So Moiraine was quiet.

Feeling Lan tonight though, led her mind to another place. While he was sitting outside, for a while she sensed something in him. Something different, warm and pleasant, something usually hard to register, but still present, made Moiraine raise her head with curiosity. And focus. It was definitely him.  

Affection. She recognized the feeling, it had specific hints, and usually most of the time it was aimed at her. This one was different.  She heard voices from outside, people walking around, preparing to go to bed. Then suddenly the feeling switched to something colder, darker.

She almost felt the urge to call him through The Bond, but suppressed it, it was stupid. It was a trick of the mind when she was calm. All she has to do was direct her thoughts toward some place in her, where she kept the dark pool of the most worrisome memories and fears. Different from the usual call of distress and panic, which hit way faster and harder, this sent a clear message to his brain. It was enough to stir her in order for him to sense the change. It usually meant „I need you”, but it was rare for her to use it. While definitely practical, sometimes it held another meaning for her. It resembled a whim of a spoiled noble, ringing the bell for their servants. It made her scowl, although she never voiced the thought, or a while there she was careful when she needed to use it. Her warder was there to protect her, not to serve her whims, and to come every time she snapped fingers for every little thing. She sometimes wondered if the rest of her sisters thought this way.

The alcohol made him more relaxed, his mind wandering a bit more, his emotions more transparent. It revealed what was lurking under the surface. In moments like this, the Aes Sedai had a chance to observe him more clearly, to see the real man underneath, who usually was the one observing her with a face that didn’t betray his thoughts. And something that was usually reserved for her, now has appeared and started to grow toward someone else.

Light knew that the mission was hard enough, especially now, with the kids scattered somewhere, but that little complication would make things even more… interesting. People thought they get used to loneliness, as with pretty much everything else, you accept it and move on. Moiraine knew that time made it heavier. And it took more and more strength to carry it around. Lan needed someone who could lift that weight from him, even though the stubborn, brooding man would never see it like that. Duty above all and the acceptance that he will walk alone to the end.

But the Aes Sedai has caught the scent of a trace and she wasn’t about to let it go so easily. Her intuition was trying to tell her something, and that was enough. She didn’t like the abrupt change in his mood, and the sudden shut down.  The meaning was clear. The man refused to give himself the luxury to get attached to anyone else.

Maybe it was the exhaustion, but it made Moiraine angry for a brief moment, and then the guilt and sadness took over. That’s when he came back.

A bird screeched outside, the sounds of the night now took over the silent camp. The fire was almost dead and it was getting colder. She bit her lip until it hurt and clenched her fists. How many hours had passed? Was it too long until the morning?

„Stop!” – Low growl came to her from behind and her eyes flew open. She should have known he was awake. „You need to rest. So sleep.”

„Sorry.” – she sighed, but then a grin formed on her lips. His annoyance was always funny. Especially when both were tired. She spread her palm and let it lay on the mattress. Several threads appeared before her, aiming at the almost dying fire that bloomed with renewed force. Her fingers trembled for a second, then moved as if she was counting something. Several barely visible threads appeared again in front of her eyes, several small flames were lit in the air above her and started to move toward him. They stopped just before his face and moved in the air playfully as if laughing at him. One of them got closer and almost licked his nose. He waved a hand and the flames disappeared. 

He snorted.  ”You missed!” ”Do you think so?” She didn’t need to turn toward him to see the small smile. The tickling bubbles of laughter inside her were enough. It was a reminder of times long gone, when their souls weren’t that scarred yet and laughter came easier. When she spoke again, her voice was soft: ”Good night, Lan.”  She closed her eyes and concentrated, this time over something else.  Soon her breathing deepened.

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[esterzach]

What have I done

Part I

What have I done?

The One power. Her strength, her magic, her connection with… everything. It made her feel complete, exhilarated, above everything and inside everything. Light, energy, and pure power flowing through her body. It made her feel more alive, more aware than ever. Surges of young will to explore, to discover, to help, to just be… The downside was a responsibility and the burden of as if everyone else's pain around her. The responsibility she could handle, she thought. She knew she had to be careful on every step, with every movement, every time she reached to touch the source, with every word.

Her own emotions sometimes became too hard to handle, despite her training, despite her education and upbringing. When she was young, her stubbornness and character always got her into trouble. Almost nothing changed when she got to The White Tower. The girl needed to be broken again and again, restrained, molded into acceptable shape. Until there was nothing left of her ego, that she needed to worry about. Humiliation after humiliation, hurt after hurt, on and on, until there was no more. The young woman learned that everything stops eventually, and realized her anger and childish displays were harmful and just prolonged the pain. She learned that there was nothing there to be afraid of. Death itself was a weird concept and carried a strange allure sometimes. Walking naked body and soul wasn’t that problematic anymore. There was nothing there to protect and hide, no shame, no pride. The understanding that you are human, as everyone else around. 

But that was her. Others… were a different story. Other people’s pain… That was something else. 

Other people's pain at first was an unfamiliar, almost abstract idea, it was there and she knew it, but the little understanding she had while growing up shielded from many things wasn’t nearly enough when she actually started to face the world outside. During her travels and meetings with people she saw glimpses of their suffering, doubts, fears. She had learned to avoid people as a child, never liked them that much, but facing them out of necessity gave her another perspective. Often selfish, stupidly destructive, unwilling to learn, to understand, or face their own fears that were eating them from inside or ruining their lives, people always had a little something to share, to surprise, to learn from.. After a while, the new appreciation appeared, fondness towards common people, who lead simple lives, without games and manipulations, with the constant greed for power, they were free to love and enjoy life. Something Moiraine never got a chance to experience in the first place.

It took her a while, but Moiraine started to learn.

**********************************************************************************

Now after so many years, she was wondering if her abilities were making her different from the other humans. She knew the rumors of the Aes Sedai and the channelers long before she started to experience them herself. People often held ridiculous concepts of her and her sisters. From sheer myths to legendary stories, from admiration and respect to mistrust, fear and often hatred. Some people firmly believed that the Aes Sedai are monsters, creatures so magical and powerful in every way, devoid of everything human, or at least able to suppress their human side to the extent that it was no longer affecting them.

 If only.

Before this morning Moiraine’s last conscious memory was from two nights ago. Even though slipping in and out of consciousness she remembered waking up with Lan’s face above her and his words trying to comfort her. But what she sensed was fear. This is what woke her up. A sheer panic  was coming from him. The sudden rush of uncontrolled adrenaline. If Lan was this afraid, they were in trouble. It took her one look to understand why. Just enough to lash out her grim accusation at him:

“You’ve killed us all!”

He then lifted her up and carried her to the horse. Just a few moments later the sudden movements and the wild ride from when they were getting out of the city, caused lightnings of sharp pain in her shoulder and her brain shut down again.

Her blurred mind just managed to register someone else around them. Someone other than Lan. She sensed her, long before she saw her. Whoever she was, she was a channeler, and a powerful one at that. She heard voices, and a thought of hope formed somewhere in her mind, that this agony will soon stop. She was wrong. 

She felt hands on her shoulder, then directly over her wound and then pressure. The pain that came next exploded in her brain, and she was sure that the end was near. Little that she knew.

How much time passed she didn’t know, but whatever was done to her, it dulled the pain and made her feel just a bit better. Enough for her to sleep. To dream. And good dreams at that. There were arms, welcoming her home, dark eyes smiling at her, talking sweet nonsense to her.

“I am so tired. I need to rest.”

“Soon. Just a bit longer.”

“How long?”

She sensed Lan approaching, she heard his voice and opened her eyes. There was a woman there, she recognized her worried expression. It surprised her that the Two rivers' Wisdom was alive. Somehow she had found them. Her brain functioned slower but she managed to realize two things - it was Nynaeve Al'meara who took care of her and Lan was desperate enough to leave Moirane with a stranger woman to go and look for help.

Her body was almost giving up down the road from exhaustion and lack of water. The poison was spreading in her insides, draining the life and what little strength she had left out of her. It took an unbelievable amount of effort just to hold somewhat straight on the horse, half of the time she didn’t even manage, but Lan’s arms were holding her steady. All she wanted was to be left to sleep and at some point she remembered trying to tell him to just leave her. She wanted to beg, something that she never did in her life, but she could hardly speak, and this was the only thing that kept her from this last humiliation.

She heard Lan speaking to her somehow from afar, although she was leaning into his body.

„Moiraine, we need you now.”

There was a reason to wake her up. Lan didn’t trust her sisters and relied on her to deal with them. Especially The Red ajah, who was approaching them. And maybe he had a good reason for that. 

**************************************************************************************

On the surface Moiraine could have been calm, emotionless and cold as a river. She mastered that control a long time ago, and with time it only became stronger. Her face serene, not a hint of human weakness of emotion, that could betray some nonsense little cracks or sparks of  doubt, of desire, or fear. Unreadable. It worked with most people. Even with some of her other sisters. She could choose to display any emotion she wanted, to deceive, to evoke sympathy, to be vulnerable, angry, or anxious. People often didn’t realize what was happening and who the woman in front of them was unless she decided to let them know.

 Yet, most people were most afraid of  the woman, when they couldn’t read her. In those moments when she felt the need to cover herself, walls built over decades rose up within her to protect and conceal her, even when storms of anger swirled within her or fear threatened to overwhelm her. The mask lowered on her face and she became indecipherable. The  Aes Sedai soon learned that this was one of the things that frightened ordinary people the most. The inability to understand what the person opposite was thinking, usually caused unease and unsettled them. 

 For the others Aes Sedai, reading each other required playing games, using words the most sophisticated way, paying attention, looking for small clues and often resorting to dirty tricks, to be able to maneuver in these circles. They were often frustrated with her, as they had to learn something Moiraine had grown up using and playing since she was a child. It came naturally to her. This game was a part of her as much as the understanding of who she was. And for the last twenty years after one unfortunate night with an old Aes Sedai and a promise to the then Amyrlin, she had to play the longest game in her life. This time not only for her survival, but for the survival of the world. 

 She could no longer trust anyone, beside one person, not that until this point she had so much trust in her sisters anyway. But the mistakes would come with way bigger costs, and now it was more than ever. 

 In the process, she had to give up so many things. Having friends was one of them. Giving up the comforts of The White Tower held less meaning to her, as it would have been to someone else. The road gave her freedom she never had before, being tossed around from one locked up place to another, from one type of politics to another and from a power hungry family to a different one. Giving up on ambitions in that regard was too easy, when you don’t have any to begin with. And the world outside provided enough challenges to keep her interested, but that didn’t take away the one thing that was always with her. Loneliness.

 Until she met Lan Mandragoran… Finally she had someone matching her stubbornness, refusal to connect and communicate. His strength was something else entirely and his quiet presence in the back of her mind - an welcomed distraction. They both had a hard time trusting and speaking with people, but The Bond between them made things easier. They didn’t have to talk a lot to understand their views and opinions, sensing and reading one another's emotions quickly became as natural as understanding their own. What angered Moiraine, annoyed the Malkieri as well, what amused her, often amused him too. There were moments, when the questioning look turned into a smile, a frown or a scowl, frustration was sometimes creeping through, and often her refusal to take care of herself, or agree to some minor thing with him lead to sparing of wills, both tempered in a fire, until one give up out of exhaustion or crack a smile. Lan understood and accepted her mission as his own, and was ready to walk beside her to the end.

She finally wasn’t alone, finally had someone beside her, to count on, to rely on. And in the worst moments, maybe, just maybe, a shoulder to lean on and to cry. But in order to cry on someone's shoulder, you have to be able to trust. Trust didn’t come easily for Moiraine Damodred, and the Malkieri found out the hard way. 

****************************************************************************************

“What have I done!”

The thought stuck into her mind, making her throat constrict painfully, her eyes started to burn and she knew what was to follow. Thankfully she was alone, Lan being out there relaxing finally in the company of the others. He deserved it after everything. She knew he could sense her distress, she also knew well enough that he would give it to the drink he was currently holding in his hand. It was a good thing that he couldn’t read her thoughts, as he was able to read her emotions. His response was immediate, and she was prepared. She couldn’t lie of course. But deflecting was an art she mastered brilliantly over the years.  Thanks to her education as an Aes Sedai and their constant struggles to communicate, without giving away too much, it has become the hidden power that could serve her to get away with pretty much everything. Truth was an interesting idea. Truth could mean a lot of things. Truth could be bent, could be used, could be separated in little teaspoons and served as a medicine or poison if necessary. Truth could also be avoided. That knowledge had saved her life many times. It also served to crush her soul more than once.

When he entered the tent, Lan already knew that something was wrong and he just stood there waiting for her to say something. 

“We lost them. After so many years, we lost them.”

“I lost them.” - No, the last thing she  wanted from him right now was to feel guilty. It wasn’t his fault that he had to drag her through the forests, wondering how to keep her alive, avoiding at the same time the not so small army of hostile creatures.

“Your losses are mine. And mine yours.”

“I shouldn’t have had a drink. You always get emotional when I drink.” 

She looked at him for a second and laughed bitterly.

There it was. A slight twist of hand, a magician trick to cheat the audience. Nobody would question the tears, and the storm, raging under the surface. Not even him.He trusted her and it felt ugly to cheat, but further doubts should be out of question.

That part of her mind stayed a restricted area even for him. 

Reaching out, she took his hand in hers.

What have I done?!

Her mind was screaming now.

This amazing man, loyal to the end, sacrificing everything for her.

What have I done…To you.

She could sense he wasn’t convinced entirely in her words. There was a flicker of doubt there, under the worry. Something was off but it was a small enough argument to be lost in the haze of the tiredness and emotional toll from the previous days. She rarely allowed herself to go there, but her own tired soul needed a break tonight.

Tonight she would allow herself to feel. 

[esterzach]

Who are you, Moiraine Sedai?

Part I

She was looking at her fingertips again, gliding them against one another.  

It was quiet around her. People were walking around silently, almost afraid that they were going to break her if they disturb the silence.

Useless. 

 The word was rolling around her head. Again and again.

“Must be an awful feeling to know The One power is there just at the end of your fingertips, but you can't quite touch it.”

The world was fading around her. Disappearing, moving further and further away. She didn't remember how they went back. She had the feeling of someone talking to her, dragging her away from the Blight, but it was almost as if a long-gone dream. So now she was just sitting there on the bed in this room.

Outside, the ancient fortress was mourning the lives lost in the battle.

Inside, one woman was mourning the loss of herself.

The boy in front of her was staring at her, his eyebrows raised in worry, scared, and confused. If she was focused enough she would've seen the other emotions, but right now she didn't care. Poor Perin, so innocent and pure, so gentle. Whatever happened in her absence was bad enough to leave them devastated. Somewhere deep her mind registered it and she didn't even need to ask. No one asked what had happened to her either. She only assumed Lan had provided some sort of explanation.

Once she had words to console, to calm down, to lift everyone's spirits, once... It seemed so long ago.

Now this young man was watching her without even blinking, as if he was afraid that he would miss something,  some deep lines formed on his forehead. Not that she was planning to go somewhere at the moment. She was so tired, that the bed seemed like a great place, and after all, it was her room, and not that it mattered but she didn’t even know what time of day or night it was, because there weren't any windows in here anyway.

Why was he there at all?

The thought passed through in a fragment of time. The answer appeared like a flash.

Ah, a suicide watch.

This time for her.

She blinks. 

She wasn’t stupid. Maybe they were right. Maybe...

She entertained the thought for a moment almost as if tasting it. The temptation was there. And for a moment it tasted… sweet. Appealing. If she decides, would anyone be able to stop her? No. Of course not. She had her ways. It would take... a moment. After all, she's human, just like everyone else.

An opened door, a window, her knife, a few seconds alone... Just a moment when someone turns her back on her. Just enough to...

No. 

Siuan.

She reached for her lips, cracked and dry, and touched them as if to remember something.

And tasted blood. 

Their promise. Their mission. The Dragon. The whole world. 

Suddenly it all became too much. Too much to think about, too much to bear, too heavy in her chest, that it was hard to breathe. 

What could she do now? She was just a simple woman. Weak, fragile, mortal. 

“Your biggest power is your mind.” - She has said to Egwane. It was so much easier to convince the girl than when she had the connection to the one thing in this world that had made her exceptional. A weapon and a shield, a medicine and a cure, a source of joy and strength that no ordinary human can achieve. And now she was only human.

Her own words sounded hollow, a bitter mockery, laughable and naive. 

Your mind is your biggest strength. The most powerful weapon you’ll ever carry, the difference between life and death. It’s also your greatest enemy. That last part she should have told the girl much earlier. 

 Egwene... She had so much to learn, so much to grow, to understand, to experience. How many times will this world break her before she gains enough understanding and humility to become an Aes Sedai? Will she even choose that? After she sees how the world actually works? After every death and cruelty, she experiences. Would she still want to give her life to protect the people of this world, to serve them? Will she find enough strength to love this world and the people in it after she comes to the understanding of how sick and twisted people can be? 

Servants of all. Nothing but the mission. An aimless sacrifice. 

Maybe the little peasant girl has a bigger heart than her. Maybe she loves enough to be able to give that love away for the good of everyone else.

Moiraine once had. 

No love of one's own…

No room for anything else…

Just the cause. 

The noble Moiraine Damodred, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah, one of the most powerful channelers from  The White Tower of Tar Valon in this age until now.

 Powerless. 

Who are you, Moiraine Sedai? 

 Her body was sore for some reason. She didn't exactly remember why. How long has it been since they came back? A day? Two? A week?

Her mouth was dry from the lack of water. She didn't remember drinking or eating. She remembered Lan though. His touch, his voice, his concern. 

But Lan... had her now. The little Wisdom. Young and beautiful and annoying. The most powerful channeler in a thousand years. Nynaeve was something else, anger and bitterness, stubbornness and mistrust to everyone, much like Moiraine once was, but out in the open for everyone to see and, thankfully, a lot of empathy for everyone who was in pain. A young woman with a great amount of power -  wild, uncontrolled, unruly. A force of nature that was left without guidance and a teacher. 

A pang of jealousy pierced her. Grabbed her insides and squeezed. To the point that she felt a physical pain. Not only Nynaeve was blessed with a mighty force from nature itself. She had taken over the heart of Lan. His thoughts, his attention, his affection. Where was this leaving Moiraine? Without Lan, without power, exiled from The Tower, and without Siuan. Alone. 

The feeling was terrifying. 

She had never relied way too much on The One power, but couldn't deny that it helped her survive numerous times and without it, by now she would be long dead. Just as without Lan. It wasn't the addictive side, it was the pure connection with everything around her and everyone... It had become part of her, second nature, something that was always there when she needed it. Something she had learned to control so long ago, that she didn’t remember being without it. The link between humans and nature felt so deep and clear. It was the thing that made the world what it was and she had access to that core. It made her who she is, it had become her name and defined her life.

Lan was always in her mind, everlasting presence, additional confidence, amusement, and calm in every storm. She was never exactly alone, never afraid, because he was there. Feeling his emotions was fascinating, amazing, odd, and annoying at the same time, but once she got used to the sensation in her mind, this was something she didn’t want to let go of ever again, no matter how irritating and infuriating it was at times. His strength sometimes was the only thing keeping her sane, keeping her on her feet, keeping her going. Keeping her alive. Moiraine knew she couldn’t ask for someone better, and she couldn't remember a time before his constant presence in her mind. And now… that part of her was awfully quiet. There was nothing - no response to her worry, her fear, or her sorrow. Just an odd sensation of emptiness where her closest friend’s thoughts were supposed to be. 

She didn’t remember a time before Siuan either. But she already said goodbye to the beautiful Tar Valon, to The Tower, and to her sisters. She said goodbye to the woman she loved, bonding herself to her. One last gift, a few words spoken, an oath changed and she sees the realization finally settles in Siuan's eyes - Moiraine isn’t coming back. 

Whoever stands between The Dark One and the Dragon will die.

She nods to the woman in glamorous dress apologetically.

It’s ok. This is the right thing to do.

I am sorry. 

Forgive me. 

The silent exchange breaks her,  Siuan is unable to stop the tears. Moiraine is trying to remember her face, trying to think because all this surely can not be real. But it is. Her heart shatters, or bursts inside her, whatever it is, whatever it was, a part of her for some reason is gone now.

She turns around and hopes her feet would somehow by memory know the way to get her out of there because it's as if she is drowning and for the first time is questioning everything she has ever believed to be right. 

Her face is wet, she registers vaguely and she knows she did what she had to but ended up more isolated and alone than before. And this would take some time to get used to.

And, for a moment there, while walking out, she even questions if this bloody world is worth saving. 

But that seems like it was ages ago and now it’s as if her heart was ripped out. As if that hollow feeling inside couldn't be filled with anything else. Or so it seemed. The only thing she wanted now was to sleep.