#every time someone asserts that mrs columbo is kate mulgrew a baby kitten vaporizes into dust

[columboscreens]

I get ppl who theorize that Columbo’s wife is actually his husband.

But personally I like the idea that Columbo actually genuinely loves his wife, considering how commen it is to see husbands fucking despise their wives, it’s a nice change of pace.

But then again, who’s to say Columbo’s wife cant also be his husband? Who are we to assume Columbo’s wife is limited to a single gender?

i admit it's interesting on the outside. it jibes well with his whole aura of mystery and obfuscation, and i even entertain the notion sometimes for fun, but i agree. i find the "oooh he's LYING about HAVING A WIFE he's actually BACHELOR" school of Columbo Theory rather...boring.

canonically, we do substantiate her existence via phone calls and secondhand appearances/references (see: any old port, exercise in fatality, and rip mrs columbo for phone calls, troubled waters for phone calls/being seen by others, and caution: murder hazardous for a third party phone call). i talk a bit about this here and a few headcanons of mine here. there's little refutation of the point that the show wants you to know he does have a wife.

but more importantly, it is not only important that columbo's wife is real and that he loves her, it's central to his whole character. he brings her up constantly, even to people whom he isn't trying to manipulate.

wait til she sends you out for maxi pads at 11 pm sergeant. you try and tell me the difference between super and maximum and overnight and with wings and without wings and

it is in itself a statement about the character that, in an era in which he'd be right at home making jabs at his wife, there are not only none to be found, he blabs about her to anyone who will listen. he stands in opposition to the tropes of detectives who are cold, lonely, chauvinistic, and/or womanizing; he's a person who understands love, dedication, and lasting relationships, and uses that understanding to his advantage in his work.

i just think it's a far more interesting thought experiment to imagine what kind of person could make a marriage work with a man as unique as columbo.

of course, it doesn't matter what you like to imagine columbo's partner is--man, woman, neither, trans, a bee hive--the important thing is that he loves them.

(...so long as it isn't mrs. columbo from the failed and horrifically miscast show)