#everyone who says mario has no personality should die btw

[z0nic]

GOD I FUCKING LOVE MARIO :)

[mmmmmmygodstopfuckinlying]

Part2

The next dayyyy.

Class started but Rena and Satoshi were nowhere to be seen. Keiichi had already ran through the halls looking for them. Satoshi was probably mad because he forgot about his homework but he had unlocked some new secrets in Mario. He planned to impress Satoshi with them but whatever he guessed.

-they are outside in the woods-

“Soooo Shion had sum makeup in her bag. That’s for u…keiichi has a Bruce Springsteen cd…ewww no thanks!!! Rika had a flask…that’s ours now…mion had some Pizza Hut coupons…lol guess we’re getting a pizza later”

Satoshi had ransacked everyone’s bags and he and Rena emptied their bags to so that it looked like they were also victims. “Omg we have to blame this on satoko”

“Oh also I took all the money as well so we can get some of those clothes at the mall we wer looking at.” Satoshi saw the kewlest sweatshirt. It was from the gap but it was like blue n purple. But it was like 50 bucks. “Girl wait I have an idea. I’m saving the money for something else I know how I can get that sweatshirt”

——later—-

They went back 2 Satoshis house again. Satoko wasn’t home so they went thru her room and looked at her diary: “Dear diary my brother is sooooo mean to me. He is a bully!!!!” Bla bla bla. Lol honestly teppei sucked n deserved to die n so did his aunt. But sometimes he agreed w them n their choices.

“Omg tomorrow we HAVE to bring this to school and like leave it in someone’s desk. It would be funny I think” Rena said

Just then the phone wrang. “Who is this.”

“Hey it’s me Keiichi! Wat r u doing right now?”

He held the phone away from his face. “Rena it’s Keiichi should I tell him to meet me at the mall” and they laughed.

“Hey I couldn’t hear u what did u say?”

“Nothing. What do u want.”

“I was wondering if I could come over n we could play Mario I have 2 show you something”

He held the phone so he and Rena could both hear it. “Yea do ur parents have any alcohol? Maybe u could being that. I’ll let u come over if u do”

“Well…maybe they’ll notice”

“Omg it’s literally not a big deal I used to do it to my uncle all the time. Just full it back with water so it looks like nobody took sum” he rolled his eyes

“Um well ok…I’ll see you soon then I guess”

“Yea don’t forget the alcohol see u later”

Satoshi hung up “We are gonna go get cross faded girl”

They went to his room and hot boxed. He had to to deal w keiichis ass.

30 mins later they heard a knock. Satoshi opened the door “Hey”

“Hey best friend!!! …Wats that smell”

“God you are such a goodie two shoes. Anyway where’s the alcohol” He grabbed it out of keiichis hand. “cool thanks. Come in”

Keiichi walked in and set up the famicom. “This tv is old I don’t even no if I can set this up”

“Are u calling me poor? R u?”

“Um no I didn’t say that. It’s retro that’s kewl”

Rena whispered to Satoshi “He is so dumb I swear to god” “Girl I know right”

“So Keiichi we were thinking of going to the mall tomorrow. Maybe you could come”

“Oh kewl kewl. Yea I’ll come the sports store had this kewl BB gun on sale that I wanted”

“Yeah the Gap had this kewl sweater…it was like 50 bucks tho…so…”

He stared at Keiichi expectantly. He knew he would look sooooo good in this sweater. He wanted to pair it with his acid washed boyfriend jeans n his converses he stole. He bought the jeans JUST so he could pair it with the sweater.

“Hmmm well we could go check it out I guess. Anyway who wants to play Mario”

Rena rolled her eyes “Who wants to fall asleep am I right” Satoshi hip bumped her “Who wants to order a pizza” she said staring at Keiichi

“Yea that sounds good to me guys. Why r u staring at me?”

“Well unfortunately whoever took our bags at school stole all my money so we r wondering if you could get it n we pay you back” Satoshi said blinking his eyelashes “Or do you not like me enough”

“Yeah cool cool. Okay that’s fine…thanks for letting me com over btw”

“Yeah ur welcome. Anyway Rena u gotta see the mag I got at the store today, Debbie gibson is in it” they sat at the table reading the magazine drinking keiichis alcohol.

“Cool I wanna join” Keiichi sat with them.

Satoshi sighed “Cool do u like debbie gibson? Sorry Bruce Springsteen isn’t in this magazine you wouldn’t like it. Anyway Rena this top is so cute, u would look soooo hot in it”

Keiichi tried to join in. “Yea you would look pretty in it. Did u guys catch last nites baseball game?”

“Ummm what kind of loser likes baseball” Satoshi rolled his eyes. Rena and Keiichi both looked at him. Satoshi went back to the magazine n read the astrology section. “My guys look what it says about Geminis this month. Apperantly I am going 2 get rich and get lots of money. Wow that would be nice”

“Wat does it say about Aries” Keiichi didn’t care about girly astrology but he wanted 2 look like he fit in

“It says this month u will feel charitable…hmm that’s nice of u.”

“Wow that’s kewl. Anyway what pizza do we want” they ordered the pizza. Satoshi and Rena started smoking weed again. “Guys what are u doing?” He looked shocked

“I guess what they say is true it’s hip to be square I guess” Rena said smoking the weed and passing it to Keiichi “I thought u wanted to fit in with us.”

“Um ok…”he tried to smoke but he coughed. “why would you wanna do this guys it doesn’t seem very fun”

They showed him how to smoke weed. If he was willing to smoke w them maybe he was a little Kooler than they thot. Keiichi smoked a lot and they thought it would b funny to just let him.

The door bell rang “Keiichi go get it”

It was SHION!!! “OMG what does that ugly ratchet dusty bitch want. Keiichi tell her we went to the mall. Tell her we waited for her but she never showed up n that I’m mad at her”

So he did. “Um why r u at Satoshis house by itself.”

He wanted to answer but he couldn’t think of anything to say “Ummmm well” he was so fucked up he didn’t know what to think “Well his plumbing was messed up so he wanted me 2 look at it for him”

“Whatever just let me in” she pushed her way in “Keiichi are u smoking weed? It’s like I don’t even know U!!!”

Then the pizza came! Keiichi took it

“Keiichi that’s a lot of pizza for just 1 person. Ur sooo high” she laughed at him mockingly “Keiichi why r u listening to Debbie gibson?”

“Ummmm well g2g. Sorry they are at the mall like I said I guess they waited for u”

He shut the door in her face

“Stupid bitch”

He took the pizzas to the other room “She’s so stupid I’m a little sick of her Tbh”

“Omg us too! She thinks she’s all that. Well newsflash…SHE ISNT!!!!” Rena said flipping her hair

“Watever guys let’s just play Mario I guess since Keiichi doesn’t want to have fun.”

They played Mario except Keiichi was so fucked up he couldn’t even play. He was just looking at the screen trying to figure out what path Mario needed to take to jump over the pipe.

“Keiichi what r u doing. U are sooo dumb. Okay let’s prank call people” Satoshi picked up the phone and called the irie clinic.

“Hi is this the irie clinic?”

“Hello yes this is! How can I help you?”

“Oh shit sorry I thought this was the nambla hotline” Satoshi hung up and he and Rena laughed their asses off

“ummm. What’s nambla” Keiichi asked and then laughed his ass off at himself since nobody else seemed to think he was funny

“Keiichi we have soooo much to teach u.” Rena said

They ate the pizza n watched tv. Well maybe Keiichi had friends after all…

[bangtansfavwriter]

💘bangtan as boyfriends: jungkook💘

-oh my god this soft boy

-still can't quite believe you guys are dating and sometimes still blushes very heavily when you kiss him

- it took ages for him to ask you out and he probably wouldn't have done it without a pep talk from seokjin who hyped him up before you and jungkook went on a date together

- he was so timid and tripped over his words a lot, so when you asked "are you saying we should start dating?" he went "oh my god yES PLS"

-he know tells everyone that you asked him out first bc "the golden maknae of bts, bangtan sonyeondan, behind the scene, world's best band tbh has to be asked out"

seokjin: makes sense, bc said golden maknae looked like he was gonna pass tf out before you two met

jk: .. hyung why you.... I asked y/n out!

seokjin: lies

you: he did... kinda

seokjin: LIES

jk: I find your lack of faith disturbing, hyung..

seokjin: nerd 😚

jk: 😔✊🏼

- a nerd indeed, but cuteee

- very loyal, it already took him long enough to call you his, so he sure af won't give you up

- also very selfless, he loves helping you out with whatever you need help with... even when you don't ask for it

- like when you had a project due and you were stressing out about it bc you had no time for anything else and stuff... he was really worried you'd skip meals to do your work, so he made sure that you'd eat by either coming to your place or calling/texting you, whenever he couldn't come over personally

-he was afraid he'd bother you while you do your work so he was always very cautious but you reassured him it's fine

-but you felt bad bc you couldn't talk much while doing your work... he looked at you and smiled: "it's ok, I'll write some lyrics maybe.. and you do you. we'll give each other strength with our presence, alright?" he started laughing when you got up and cozied up to him. you spent the next 10 mins cuddling, as this was the only reasonable thing to do after he was being so sweet. "so much for no distractions, hm?"

- you still got your work done btw, so no worries

- movie nights are a huge thing for you two, your range is broad af but mostly consists of marvel, disney and studio ghibli. he has a thing for 80s movies tho, felt ferris bueller on a personal level

- cried when he watched the princess diaries for the first time and will end u if anyone hears about it

-rather savage irl but he cries during some movies, especially when he's tired, he gets emotional and even whiny

- for example: he was very sleepy when you first watched the mandalorian together and you swear he started weeping when he first saw baby yoda and he's been obsessed ever since btw

- very thoughtful and caring

- remembers the smallest things about you, will bring you your fav ben&jerry's when you feel down and enjoys the fact that you look at him like the saint he is

- also memorizes your habits and reads your body language so well that it still surprises you even after all the time you've been dating

-you poke his cheeks on any given occasion and kiss his nose, he's not quite sure why but he enjoys it too

- his hugs are just warm ... they make you feel like everything will be ok

- many pancake mornings together

- will never ever forget any birthday or anniversary, he once did tho and he still beats himself up about it but he was busy as hell during that time so you were ok with it in hindsight (which was greatly appreciated bc he truly felt awful)

- very down-to-earth, it doesn't have to be all fancy with him, he's doing just fine with netflix and ramen

- your personal laundry fairy

- looots of laughter and giggles with this one, always cracking jokes

- you guys have like 48394 insides jokes

you: hey.. hey

jk: ?

you: second goose right left

jk: LMAOOOOO WOFT

you: LMAOOO

jk and you: -dying-

rm: this sounds like some terror code

hobi: or a stroke

- sends u memes at 3am, his go-to are kermit memes as reaction memes, he sometimes forgets to use actual words tbh

you: kook, i can't come over today, working late :( but tomorrow is fine tho, you free ?

jk: -kermit crying under the shower meme-

you: jungkook, words pls

jk: oh sorry babe, yeah im free 🤗

- either uses the cutest nicknames or the weirdest which are pretty cute when he explains it (like left shark "bc you stand out")

- displays of 'strong manly man' when he picks you up, and spins you around only to kiss you --- displays of 'babie boy's when pouts until you give him attention or your last pockys ("we can share, you know 👀" - "oh worm? 👀")

- a true romantic deep down, he once surprised you when he decorated your entire house with candles and flowers bc he knew you had a tough time and you legit just started crying. he was overwhelmed for a sec but knew this was just bottled up emotions and relief coming through so he just smiled and hugged you until you calmed down."it's alright, love... let me take care of you." you nodded and smiled at him, while wiping your tears away. "you're the sweetest, you know that?" - "well, obviously. but fire safety was never my forte, so let's be careful, ok?" he said and you both started laughing.

-sings to you very very often, get used to it, even when you're not right next to him you can still hear him humming from afar and it makes always makes u smile

-you two are fiercely competitive, there is no "it's just a game"... you guys play mario, sonic, rayman etc and there's always a whole lot of screaming

-there was a time namjoon jin got so fed up with this that he took the playstation away (+ mario kart) and jungkook and you had to find other gaming options

-some examples of truth or dare sessions between you (in the safety of your own home):

you: i dare you to dance to begin

jk, in his pyjamas: wha- ... no!

you: truth it is, then. what was the dumpling incident about?

jk: nevermind, I'll do the dance.

you: squeeze the ketchup bottle empty with your thighs.

jk: ?????? jesus, you take your kinks to a whole knew level. choose something else, the stains will be nasty as hell.

you: wear booty shorts👀

jk: you wants thighs and booty, huh? 👀

you: you bet 👀👀

(a blessed day for u tbh)

jk: babe, i dare you to dance to fire.

you: ?????? well, I can try, but you should get me an inhaler, my lung capacity may not suffice for this

(jungkook laughed so hard when did it that he was the one that needed an inhaler)

-takes lots and loots of pics of you when you're together and of the location you went together , posts the view on twitter sometimes and jokes about you two being official (to fans) without really being official

- you two go on walks together, have coffee shop dates, go to concerts (and go fckn feral when u go see iu), visit art galleries where you mostly imitate everything and touch things you shouldn't touch, go to karaoke places ... and you also do art together! that was actually his idea were he bought a shitload of acrylic paint and huge linen sheets and you had your first painting date, which has become a tradition ever since.

- something that jungkook absolutely loves and appreciates is that you guys never run out of topics to talk about

-the intellectual stimulation he gets from you is pretty much unmatched and that's also something that made him realise he's into you before you started dating

- 2 sides of the same coin: smart, charming and kind // absolute crackhead (remember the vid with his goggles? vids like that are now your exclusive content from yours truly)

- once chased down chickens when you visited a village together and ran away screaming when a huge ass rooster chased after him ( u filmed it ofc)

- lives for dramatics, gains new life power on Halloween when you two do shenanigans on bighit's annual party

- he loves the fact that you're still a child at heart and that you're not too stuck up to scare hobi and jin with michael myers masks on (but you did feel pretty bad about it when hobi almost fainted)

- you're super savage when you want to be and he loves it when you are... ngl... you being assertive and all kinda turns him on lmaoo

-your green card to get him to laugh whenever was saying "you sexy beast" and he'd forget whatever issue you were having before, as long as it wasn't something too important obviously

-loves you show you off, especially when you guys are all dolled up and ready for a night out "look at us being all sexy and shit, like, how dare we look this hot, jimin-hyung hates it when someone looks hotter than him" - "hmmm kook, imagine if I'd have jimin as my date today, the place would burn up" - "...." - "kook, i was joking..." - "right shark" - "I WAS JOKING BABY" - "........say it. you know the deal." - "i would rather die" - "go hang with hyung then, i'm gonna stay home" - "you...." -

👀👂 - "YOU SEXY BEAST" - jungkook laughed until he couldn't breathe when yoongi, who just passed by you two, and you stared at each other, completely mortified. you: how to unsay things... / yoongs: how to unhear things/ jk: -on the floor and in dire need of an inhaler"

- you couldn't face yoongi the whole night, whereas jungkook occasionally stared down jimin who had no clue what the heck was going on and munched on some appetizers

- jealousy is not a big thing for him but he still doesn't quite like it when someone is too touchy with you

- he trusts you, absolutely no doubt about that or he wouldn't have even entered a relationship with you, as he has high standards about who to let into his life, especially with potential lovers

-that's why everyone knew you guys were serious about each other and it was hardly surprising that you got to meet his family shortly after you guys started dating (his mother loved you btw)

-has like 200 pics of the day you met gureum

- an absolute sucker for you, you could say you want the n seoul tower to flicker in purple and pink lights and he would get it done somehow

- very sensitive to touches so ......👀

- loves your room bc he says it always smells like your lotions and laundry

- you sometimes surprise by setting the mood with some smooth music and nice fragrances and the world comes to a halt for him, it's just him and you

-shower him in affection and he's putty in your hands, legit, when he first performed euphoria and did the high note at the end you spammed tf outta your messenger and hyped him up and he actually got so hype he jumped around backstage after the concert and sprinted to you when he saw you, twirled you around and, for the first time, kissed you while the guys were there

-he still gets teased about it tho, but he doesn't really care bc your support means the world to him and he values it too much to care about the guys

-you guys went home that night and he serenaded you while you were cuddling. you guys started talking about songs, especially your favourites. you got sleepy when he started talking about 'home' and softly sang it to you, until he realised you dozed off. he smiled to himself and caressed you hair, as you had layed your head onto his chest. admiring your sleeping figure, closely entangled with his broad frame, he said to himself: "this is home..."

[cleaduvalls]

i watched all 20 episodes of spy kids: mission critical in about a week and here are my thoughts (3/5)

1.9

i havent watched this in like 2 days i dont even remember what happened last time

why is everything in the desert the desert sucks

alsjhiajgdf i love tom kenny

listen i know hes like a superandroid or whatever but i really hope he and therese fall in love

wait hold up. i thought they already had midterms???? like the did that before scorpion went to her fashion shoot. AND they were kupkakkes midterms. whats up with this school

no drinking in class???? rude. let them hydrate

that seems imbalanced

aHh

thats only like 10

also that book is dummy thicc

its ok ace my nose whistles too

shut up carmen youre just jealous because shes pretty

there are no seasons its a desert

ok dude stop breathing so hard

he JUST said that

anywhere between an hour and umm... 11 months

you put it on one page why are all the pages back

me but with physics

thats literally the best line in the whole series

juni how do you not know that you were at a safe H O U S E

theyve been gone for like 2 hours are they not allowed to study?????

what even is AWOL???

absent without leave. neat

talon gives off some big draco energy

tick tock???? how dare you

slkdhfa she called sir awesome honey shes such a mom

dont make it obvious

oh look they made it obvious

roll credits

i was in cleveland when i watched this episode - well actually i left that day - and i was s h o o k e t h

also hes right. no spy would be in cleveland. theres 3 buildings

oh me too

right bc shes the only “I.A.”

ew

eW

this isnt HARRY POTTER. or maybe it is. talon is a hardcore draco

oh right bc swearing is for Men™

update tumblr decided to break AGAIN (im boutta cry btw) so we lost about 5 minutes from the end of 1.9 and 7 from the beginning of 1.10

1.10

its a DOORBELL do they not have those in the outback steakhouse

lots of people. doofenshmirtz, other people who i cant think of right now, etc

???? no it wont????

did your troop leader not give you The Talk??? you NEVER go in the customers house

ace no. youre allowed to not buy treats

theres a triforce on her vest, too

shes just gonna go to another house yall. shell be f i n e

oh my God shes holding hands with mauly im gonna c r y

yeah its called saliva

nope only scorpion lives in a castle

stop bringing up spy sense and tell him you saw her glare at you

HES ALLOWED TO LIKE FOOD

how do you know that he doesnt have his phone if YOU dont know where it is and HE cant tell you

i love how she says "floor. ceiling. more thumb"

haha i found the birth of venus

oh and the creation of adam

hes like squidward, which would make sense bc goldies voiced by tom kenny who voices spongebob

"sebastian oliver" "shadow operative" S.O. nice

why do you have a trailblazers badge. youre 4. i didnt get one til i was a cadette

also sebastian???? isnt that the toymakers first name????? you cant have 2 sebastians

also why do you have braces. youre still 4

"SIR MEANIE FACE" IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME ID BE D E V A S T A T E D

SCORPION LET HER CRY SHES F O U R

so really, spy sense DID help

oooooh, sentry duty, thats gotta hurt

WHAT THE H E C K YOURE F O U R

she looks like frickin plushtrap

aCE NO YOURW GONNA D I E

oh trust me they hurt me more than you know

dude theyre so thin youre f i n e

eh, still worked

clicking her teeth together so hard must H U R T

i think she can get out of there. also shes concussed now

why was that so quiet. why did it get louder

thats not a y shape

no, they spy kids

oh shiitake mushrooms thats what THEY said

whenever they say pinnoquinoxx i always think of pinnochio

ahdhhsjak i miss pizza parties 😔

well now we ALL expect it

also, no one????? pick a cooler code name. your regular name was cool and now youve ruined it

2.1

oh theres finally a skip intro option. im not taking it

stop saying that its weird

EWWWWWW CRUSTY THATS SO G R O S S

haha shes shopping w the goon. love that

oh yeah i didnt get to tell yall yet but i absolutely h a t e gablet

a lot of people, juni

listen i know a jt (but he doesnt go by jt) and uhhhhhhh were not gonna go there

why are you happy. what about second semester makes you so happy

boi thats a tardis

the design on his hoverboard looks like the aperture science logo

i paused to read the Floops label and it says "fried corn and sugar loop shaped breakfast substitute, net wt. 13 oz" ITS NOT EVEN A CEREAL ITS A BREAKFAST SUBSTITUTE IM C R Y I N G

listen i know hes technically scorpions dad but i dont think he can legally be in the dorm rooms

aww, thats sweet

i dont think gablet has an attached printer

gablet always sounds like shes mocking people

oh dear God its dolores umbridge

haha nerd

awesome no im gonna die

whenever carmen yells she sounds like link

ok so i didnt find a reason why she sounds like link but i DID find that theyre making a wherea waldo tv series so uhhhh thats fun

why does the cat have a bandaid

GABLET S T O P

OH!!!!!! ON THE WALL!!!!!!! ITS THE TUMBLR POST WITH THE FORK AND KNIFE ETIQUETTE PICTURE!!!!! YOU KNOW THE ONE!!!!!

oh no fart jokes

its even the basic fart sound effect

BAHAHAH MY PHONE VIBRATED AT THE SAME TIME HE FARTED THAT WAS WEIRD

oh no i hate him

stop SLURPING

uh yeah???? you heard them yelling about it

how??? does that work??? you cant just like catch electricity in a cup.... can you???? i havent studied it since 4th grade

oh worm??

goldies such a boomer

worm??

psi shouldnt be at the drawing board right now. he also shouldnt be confused

what happened to the lasers

wait nvm we havent gotten to that episode yet

ace is valid, dark is Scary

im gonna punch gablet in the face

that doesnt sound realistic

do you not have stairs??????

dont you mean inside AND out??

that flashlight did NOTHING

how did it die so fast?????

who else would you be talking to??

isnt that bowser from the mario movie we dont speak of??

i havent gotten a chance to tell yall but i absolutely love clemp. hes such a mood

hes the greatest spy

does it use a mini transmooker???? ig it doesnt bc gablet works but thatd be lit

SEE SHES IMMORTAL

me when i see something interesting

ME WHEN IM NOT ON MY PHONE

i dont think you can legally say that

you killed her

me

wow nice promo

also just???? bring a charger????? like youre the tech girl why do you not have one at all times

how?????? did you go so fast

machete electric bubbles??? nice

just task manager him

mother of all boards sounds like it could be a cuss...mother of all fuckers

also throwback to 1.7 when she says "his ai firewalled his motherboard" i keep expecting her to say "his ai firewalled this motherfucker"

yes i said keep ive watched that episode too many times to count

worm??

why did you giggle and make a flirty pose. are yall supposed to get together???

did you????? kill him????????? holy shit

2.2

thats what my dad does. he loves hospital corners

idc what it is you have a bazooka

ok if it was a spider id get it, australia has some deadly ones, but does it have deadly ants too???? like is that a Thing????

also ants in your room are gross

was that just a cameo??? i dont remember what happens in this one

haha because he said grapevines and wine has dregs and wine is made of grapes

for the boys??? thats so cute

listen idc how evil you are EVERYONE should cry over otters

so one of the parents has a sister or sister in law named roxanna..... hmmm.......

if you dont use your turn signal h*ck u

hes gonna D I E

i just looked at my shoe and i think theres blood on it???? what the h*ck

suspicious??? about.... what???? having fears???? not being perfect?????

juni that was awful wording

JUNI WHAT DID YOU D O TO HIM

like i know what he DID but the way it plays out makes it seem like something significant

i thought his name was heavy meddle not.... deth metal???? thats how the subtitles spell it

hahah me

he sounds like bling bling boy

yeah ik im a fool thanks for reminding me

what are you gonna do??? kill juni????

POOR WORD CHOICE JUNI

oh he gives exactly 0 h*cks

a shoe doesnt make that sound

crack bugs?????

see thats why you dont mess with things

im a god among boys??????? what????

did you... kill them????????????

thats any australian person

theyre so stupid i love them

good i hate her

i thought the gunk just like... disappeared from the guitar but actually it shot off

he died... 😔

uhh.... yeah????? was it not obvious?????

me when i have 5 dollars

[attract-mode-collective]

Your Very Brief Guide To Japanese Cat Movies

In case you haven’t heard, the popular cat collecting game for smart phones is getting a motion picture adaption, in its homeland. The reaction thus far has been, as expected, mixed: first, the very idea sounds kinda cool… but most video game movies are supposed to be bad, right? But Neko Atsume no Ie (which translates to Cat Collection's House) isn’t being made in Hollywood, so it’s gotta be great, right?

On one hand, I’m most definitely interested in how it turns out, given my interest in video game cinema. I’m such a fan of the genre that, unlike most others, I actually dig the one example of the genre that everyone loves to crap on the most, aka the Super Mario Bros adaptation. And on the other, I also happen to be a massive fan of Asian cinema as a whole. So, Neko Atsume no Ie being a video game movie, coupled with how it’s also from Japan, I should be super confident that I’m probably going to low what I see, right?

Eh, not necessarily. Cuz the fact of the matter is… and I know I’m going to get a TON of flack for saying this (more than my Scott Pigrim movie review; just Google it), but… Japan’s cinematic output is not exactly the best. I mean, there are some truly amazing filmmakers on that end; aside from the greats that everyone knows about already, like Akira Kurosawa, Yasujirō Ozu, Seijun Suzuki, and Nobuhiko Obayashi, these days you have Kiyoshi Kurosawa, Sion Sono, Hitoshi Matsumoto, and Takeshi Kitano, plus a few others.

But that’s about it. Cuz otherwise, holy sh*t are Japanese movies awful. Basically, a Japanese flick is either really, really good or really, really boring or bad. There’s no middle ground. And the reasons are numerous, though maybe this isn’t the time or place to really discuss them (unless folks really want me to). It’s perhaps worth noting how the absolute greatest motion picture adaptation of a video game, IMHO, hails from Japan. That being the one for Ace Attorney, directed by Takashi Miike, another one of the greats.

Yet there is a glimmer of hope. Because I’m not approaching Neko Atsume no Ie as yet another video game movie, but as yet another cat movie. While not an official genre unto itself, they have starred in a considerable amount, to the point that it’s somewhat analogous to the subset of dog movies to stem from Hollywood. So, how a brief survey of three Japanese cat movies I’ve personally seen?

Rent-A-Cat

Rent-A-Cat is about a crazy cat lady who seeks to help lonely people by lending her cats to them, since they’re the key to happiness... despite being lonely herself. It’s a series of vignettes that shows people needing cats in their lives, and upon receiving them, how much better they are as a result. And all presented with the same matter-of-fact articulation of people, places, and things that Japanese cinema does best. The fact that it’s an independent production, helmed by an outsider of Japan’s cinematic world (the director is actually a woman, which is sadly still quite the rarity over there), definitely helps.

Samurai Cat

Doesn’t the trailer to Samurai Cat look awesome? Yeah, well, I really disliked the movie when I saw it for whatever reason. Sorry. Hence why I’m not even going to bother with a synopsis, though mostly cuz I can’t find my New York Asian Film Festival/JAPAN CUTS review for it. I think its cuz I disliked it so much that I didn’t even want to bother with writing one? Though unlike Rent-A-Cat, which was a festival darling and pretty much that (so good luck tracking down a copy), it’s worth noting that Samurai Cat was successful enough to get a domestic release plus a sequel…

Oh, and the internet tells me of a Neko Nin, which I believe translates to Ninja Cat is either part three or a spin off. Moving on…

If Cats Disappeared From the World

If Cats Disappeared From the World is actually one of the best movies I saw last year. It’s about a young man who lives a quint, almost idyllic existence, until he discovers that a brain tumor may cause him to drop dead at any given moment. He then encounters the devil, posing as a somewhat sinister doppelganger, who says the young man is mostly definitely going to die the following day… though an extra 24 hours can be borrowed, provided something from the world disappears without a trace. This something, btw, is of the devil’s choosing, and we soon discover that stuff like phones and movies, which the young man took for granted, actually had a profound impact on his life, in particular, the ties they helped to establish with loved ones. You can pretty much guess where cats come into play.

Despite certain flaws, including the same one that made me totally reject Samurai Cat, which was trying way too hard to tug at the hear strings, If Cats Disappeared From the World still succeeded, due its unique voice (compared to most maintsream Japanese fare), one delivered by a stellar cast, which is also why Rent-A-Cat was so awesome. Thus far, Neko Atsume no Ie is resembling Rent-A-Cat, at least on a surface level, though I wonder if it’ll have a “message�� like If Cats Disappeared From the World. Alas, the production values are on par with Samurai Cat, meaning it’s looking quite slick and mainstream… but hey, given how much money the game made, that’s hardly a shocker.

Guess we’ll wait and see. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering… I’m not including The Adventures of Milo and Otis cuz that starred a dog as well.