#feel like i'm slowly doxxing myself

[helium-stims]

made some new fingerless gloves :)

[pebblysand]

Heyyyy im dying for an update on castles!! Any hope of getting one soon?😭💗

hi anon! thanks for your message! the tl;dr answer to this is: no.

or, i don't know. maybe? sigh. it's just been a lot lately.

it's a funny one, you know? most of you will not remember this, but there used to be a time when i would share (maybe overshare - is that a word? i've always wondered why that is a word when it's your platform and your rules and people can just choose to ignore you) on tumblr. not just about fics and writing and peaky blinders, but also about me. the stuff i felt. the stuff that was going on in my life. lots of things.

i grew up in an era of blogging and livejournal (seeing dreamwidth make a comeback lately is oh-so-bizarre, btw) where people opened up online - sometimes too much. this was before doxxing, before cancel culture, before it became dangerous to do so. people would complain about their jobs, their mates - the internet was an outlet. and, i don't know if it was better or worse, i'm not here to make value judgements and i've always thought people who say "things were better in my day" sound like absolute twats, but it was undoubtedly different. i've had this conversation with someone on discord lately, about the dreamwidth comeback actually, when this person said: 'people get real personal on there, though' and i was like: 'yeah, i suppose it's just the culture of the place.' a place where, unlike tumblr and everything that came after it, most of the content produced was through words, rather than images. when the internet was still made for writers and you weren't afraid of "clogging" someone's dash with posts that were too long to be digested in less than ten seconds.

the thing is: i like writing. it makes it easier to organise thoughts. and, up to 2020 (2021, even) i used to post monthly updates on my writing, but also about my life, for you. remember how i told you when i passed my bar exam? how i quit my job, found another job, and then another one. i told you about the boy and hinted at my break-up. i told you about how one of my best friends sank into a very toxic relationship, from which i couldn't save her. i told you when my dad died. it wasn't even that long ago. and, i explained to you that for these reasons, and maybe others, i didn't have a chapter out as early as i would have liked. and, you understood. you were kept up with what was going on. it was the pandemic and a different time.

but then, gradually (oh-so-quickly and oh-so-slowly), "you" became "many." i like that word - "many" - it's what my hairdresser said the first time she cut my hair: "they are very fine, but there are very, very, many of them." i suppose that between the first chapter of castles and the latest, my follower count grew into the hundreds and i got - well, scared. scared to share: what i thought, why i wasn't posting, how much or how little i was writing, how i was feeling. because there were too many of you. because i started to hold myself up to higher standards, too.

the truth is that no one wants to listen to anyone on the internet complain. it's not fun. and, specifically, no one wants to listen to fanfiction writers complain. why would they? why would they moan about how busy they are? about how creatively drained they might be? about how maintaining a healthy balance between real life, a job, and writing, is hard, if you do it seriously. because it's a hobby. because it's not "real" writing. because it doesn't matter.

well, anon, i'll tell you something. the voice in my head, it goes like this: why are you tired? it's just fanfiction. stop taking yourself and your little stupid story so seriously. stop thinking this is Important because you're writing about something you feel is important. no one cares. and: you only wrote 80,000 words last year, people write full-blown nanos in a month, calm down. it's not that bad, you don't have children. it's not that bad, you don't have dying parents. it's not that bad, you have money. you're a white cis privileged girl who can afford to spend her free time on writing because you don't have to work multiple paying jobs to foot the bills. so many people do. people who are much busier than you write a lot more than you do. shut up, what are you crying about? why are you responding to this poor anon with anything other than "soon, i hope." they weren't even mean about it.

and, i like the word "many" because it encompasses the realness of it, the repetition of it. many, many, many. it's less theoretical than "a lot". you can't say: a lot, a lot, a lot. it's morning as i write this, irish drizzle blown in by the wind against my window, thin droplets like static and i wonder: could i isolate thirty thousand? count up to thirty thousand little drops of rain against glass and imagine what that would look like as people. that's a small stadium, isn't it? and, it's also almost how many people have clicked on castles, in the past three years. it's also how many people, in my head, are telling me to just suck it up and write the next chapter. it's been a month already, hasn't it?

to tell you the truth, i still overshare with some people. there's a very small discord i'm on which is more like a group chat with my best internet friends. it's a lot of fun. and, i'm not going to tag them here for fear that you might come at them with pitchforks, but after i was explaining this to them, how exhausted and drained and lost i've been feeling lately, i had some, last week, tell me i should just give up castles. just stop, recharge, take care of myself. it's just a fic, it doesn't matter. let it go, you know?

so, yeah. you read that right, anon dearest. people who i really love, and trust, told me i should put your beloved on an indefinite hiatus and move on with my life. how's that for an update? and, they didn't say it in a "this is a bad fic and it's not worth continuing" kind of way, but in a "it's not worth working yourself into the ground" kind of way. in a "fanfiction is a hobby" kind of way.

i typically count years from september to august (i'm still in school, in my head, sue me) and this past one has been long and hard. for reasons that i won't explain because of the "very many" issue i mentioned above. for reasons that i also won't explain because as i also mentioned above, i can't help but always compare myself to people who have it worse. but, the fact of the matter is that whilst i'm not really asking for sympathy, i do want to say this, as i hope it will help provide a bit of context to how i'm feeling right now, in terms of writing.

anon dearest, i'm exhausted. i'm bored. i'm turning thirty in 24 days. i'm sick and tired of putting everything in my life on hold "until i finish castles". i would estimate that right now (and for the past three years) castles has eaten up about 75% of my free time. i think the first couple years, i didn't really mind. because it was the pandemic. because there wasn't much else i wanted to do. but now, when i see my friends, i try to schedule it on weekday evenings because i want to keep my weekends for writing. when i travel at the weekends, take holidays, do anything that will take me more than a couple hours, it's a compromise made against writing time. a compromise i often feel guilty about because it delays the next update and because ultimately, it delays the moment when i do finish castles. when i am able to move on to something else. move on with my life and also maybe another story of my own.

these past few months, i wrote almost every day from late march until last week because i knew i'd be going home to france in august and wouldn't be able to write there, so i needed to get ahead. everything in my life is planned around writing and updating and i'm a little bit burnt out, anon. it's typical summer me, nothing to really worry about, i felt the same last year (those who were already here will remember) but it doesn't make it suck less. and, that's why people are telling me to give up. because i keep getting stuck in this cycle of overworking myself, getting burnt out, taking a month off and diving back in again. it's fanfiction and it's a hobby and it's meant to be fun and it's just not fun anymore. it feels endless and draining and like a vampire eating my "good" years. time my mates are spending getting married and having children. and, even if i don't think that's what i want for myself, precisely, i still don't feel like the life i'm currently living is one i want to be living in five years' time.

i don't want to be exhausted. i don't want to be working all the time. this groundhog day of getting up, opening up my (work, or personal) laptop, deliveroo-ing my meals, working until 9:30 pm, and repeat. i have seven chapters left to go to the end, which will take 12 to 18 months, and i don't think i can go on like this for another year. i don't want to. something's gotta give: my IRL life, my job, or this "hobby", and it is logical (oh-so-logical) that it should be the latter.

and, yet. when my pocket friends suggested this, i came at them with pitchforks. i said: no. no, no, no, no. i can't give up. i don't want to give up. i love this story. it's unnerving and draining and exhausting, but haven't touched it for a week and i already miss it - it's crazy. and, it's true: it's not fun, but writing, to me, has never been "fun". it's: fulfilling, exhilarating, meaningful, it gives me the chills and a sense of peace but it's not "fun". i don't know who the fuck writes for "fun". you can enjoy things that aren't "fun", you know? i definitely do.

and, if i had to pick one thing to give up on that list, honestly, it would be my job - 100%. i'd finish castles in six months, if i could give that up. but, i can't, lovely anon. because fanfic doesn't pay. because writing doesn't pay. and whilst i do have a savings account that i intend to use someday to take time off to write, i don't think i could justify using it for anything other than original fiction. because at least, there would be a tiny bit of hope that the book might get picked up and i could make my money back. i can't, like, quit my job to write fanfiction, can i? even if i did set up a patreon, i doubt you all would want to fund me, lol.

so, i don't know. i don't know what to do, anon. i don't want to give up castles. realistically, i probably won't. realistically, i'm probably going to keep ploughing through and overworking myself and feeling like i'm throwing my youth and my free time away into this project that everyone will most likely forget the moment it is finished. right now, to answer your question, i have about 6,000 words on the new chapter. right now, i'm also taking august off writing. to recharge, to sleep, and only write if i feel like it. later? i don't know. i think i'm in a place where i've just got 30,000 words out in three months and i'm too brain-dead to think clearly. i am acutely aware that this issue doesn't have a solution (or at least one that i like) but i might be more willing to compromise my life again after a bit of rest and holidays.

anyway, sorry for being a debbie downer, anon. and sorry i don't have an update for you. i'm dying for one, too.

[potatoesimblr]

Hi. It's, uh, been a while since I posted here. To be honest I need to get this out of the way because it's just been in the back of my head making me anxious.

I kind of burned myself out on Sims. It was never something I spent a whole lot of energy on, I suppose? I never really played with a family or a sim for too long. I spent most of my time in CAS or occasionally in build mode. I started doing the recolors because I wanted more colors for my OC Ella (who is my avatar here) because there wasn't enough pinks and greens for her. I also like having lots of options for designing characters even though I hate having too many options almost everywhere else.

So I made a bunch of recolors and went "hm, what if I shared these? it feels kind of a waste to do all these and not share 'em." So I did (even though I started off doing them in a way too complicated manner that I later discovered made the textures get a little artifact-y) and there are things I could have done better in making and posting them. I had fun making and sharing them! I hope everyone who downloaded them had/has fun using them!

But I also bit off more than I could chew. I started off doing 143 colors across 6 palettes. Yes, I managed to automate that fairly quickly and I'm still pleased with that. But then I wanted more colors and foolishly added 458 more colors because I was so excited I figured out Photoshop and PMC and I wanted to go back and redo all the stuff I recolored to make it look better. I was slowly chipping away at that when all the doxxing and harassment came to light/when I found out about it. For a while, I couldn't look at the game or the recolors without feeling anxious or sick.

The day before yesterday I finally installed a hard drive I bought a few months ago and I was trying to free up space on my main drive. The biggest program and folder on all three drives was The Sims 4. At 53 gb. Without CC. So I uninstalled all the packs. I haven't opened the game in months. Or S4S.

This is a long-winded way of saying I'm probably not going to play the game or do recolors for a while. Will I reinstall the packs and go play around in CAS at some point? Yeah, probably. I love making my OCs in it. I still want to make my OC Teagan in it, I want to finish the Townie makeovers, making the house for Antal/Alfred. If I come back to making recolors though, I won't be doing as many colors as I was. That was too much.

Anyways. I might come back to this blog, I might not. Regardless, if there's any problems with something (ESPECIALLY the Batch Recolor Project) send me an ask or a dm. But for now, I'm on a likely permanent hiatus.

I hope all of you have a great day!

[dilfdoctordoom]

I'm sorry about everything that's been happening, you don't deserve it. I have no idea where they're even getting you supposedly being a terf from tho, because as a trans person that's been following you for probably a year now (?? I think) I've always gotten the opposite vibes, but then again we've already seen reading really isn't their strongsuit lmao

I do have a question/situation that I wanted to get your opinion on. About two years I wrote a couple fics in which I wrote Tim as aro. I was genuinely thrilled when they made him bi but as a result I feel kind of weird about those works now tbh. I mostly wrote them because I myself am aro and wanted to like, idk create more aro stories out there I guess and also project some feelings lmao and as there aren't... well, any canon aros within dc (as far as I'm aware), I just picked someone. However, I'm worried that if I wanted to write something again now it'd appear biphobic, when the last thing I want to do is erase the representation DC is slowly starting to give us. I know you are not like, the authority on sexuality or whatever, but as you are bi I would like to hear your opinion regardless (if you're feeling up to it rn).

Either way, sending hugs and support for you <3

(Also sorry if my tone is off I'm not a native speaker + I'm tired, I hope it's clear that I genuinely mean no harm)

Thank you for your support <3 gonna go under the cut so I can cover everything but

IMO, there isn't anything wrong with having written fics of Tim being ace a couple of years ago? A load of people read him as ace for decades, just like how people read him as bi! He's always felt very LGBTQ.

It would be a different thing writing it now, though? If that makes sense? Like he is bisexual (hasn't explicitly said it in comics but has been confirmed by creators) now, rather than before, where he never had an explicitly stated sexuality.

There are a few canon asexuals in DC though! Connor Hawke is the most recent example (he had a story in this year's Pride anthology).

The Pride special also confirmed that Querl Dox of the Legion of Superheroes is asexual! It was a very underrated thing that people didn't talk about enough but also of course I would say that the Legion are my angels who can do no wrong and deserve literally everything good in this world.

Roshanna Chatterji, from the N52 book "The Movement" might be one of the only other comic characters at DC to explicitly say they're asexual?

Legends of Tomorrow also added an original character, Spooner, to the team who is asexual, but I haven't watched that so I don't want to speak on its quality in portraying an asexual character.

Those are the only explicitly stated to be asexual DC characters that I can remember right now but there some indie comics that have ace characters, like Archie, Sleepless and Lumberjanes

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

(this is about the schlatt situation, which will probably my last ask about it since thoughts are happening, and you don't have to reply if you don't want to!)

I don't know why but no matter how much I try to distance myself until further notice, I keep thinking about the situation? And now I think my feelings also just turned into worry? I mean the anger and disappointment is still there because what happened was definitely not okay - it was horrible and the video just shouldn't have happened. I'm just worried and scared that he won't address it/that he will ignore it and that he won't change. and I'm also worried for him - because of the whole doxxing situation. Whenever I see screenshots or posts about things like his address, family info and apparently potentially credit card info being leaked I just worry for his safety. of course I recognise that he's a grown adult and he can definitely keep himself safe but still I'm just worried since no one should be doxxed.

I think I'm just holding onto a sliver/slither(?) of hope that he does make a video to discuss it, to apologise and to show that he does recognise that those things are very serious. I just hope he recognises that "offensive humour" doesn't offend people; it actively hurts and harms people - especially people who have been constantly hurt before. And I hope he recognises that this persona he's doing is just doing more harm than good. Even if he's trying to mock people who act like that, it's just slowly turning into attracting people like that into the fanbase. Cause I had a peek into the comment section on that video and it's just mostly people defending him?? and it's just like: why are you defending those "jokes"/malicious content? So instead of making fun of those people, it's really just turned into attracting people who hold those views into his channel. I just hope he realizes that and just changes and drops the shock factor content. I get it that YouTube is his source of income and he needs to make money but that isn't the way. Making money off of hurting other people isn't the way. He could have just posted the cat video instead and I bet that people would love the video since Jcat is adorable and an update would have been really nice. or even if he tried a somewhat chaotic (like knowing half the recipe and then trying to figure out the method) and wholesome cooking or baking video if his new place is set up? Because that video he made after moving in was really nice and just hearing him talk was nice? And I know change doesn't take a sudden day (like Minx said) but even just making the effort to change is something - which would really start with an apology and a serious, no persona, non edited, non monetized discussion video. Plus if they are playing a video game and someone in the group says something horrible like that, than for him to just be like "Stop. That's not okay." even just calling that out would be something.

Just some thoughts but otherwise I'm just worried and holding onto a bit of hope - that feels like is slowly dwindling as the days go on.

I absolutely agree with this and feel everything you're saying. All I want is an apology/response. The bear minimum. I feel less and less confident we will get one every day.

The way I see it the ways this can go (best to worst) are:

He makes a response and changes his content

He makes no response and changes his content

He makes no response and doesn't change

He makes a response and doesn't change (worst option)

I would be happy with option one, and I'd go back to watching his content regularly. In the event of option two (most likely imo) I would wait to see how he's doing then get back into his content hesitantly. For option three and four, I will drop that man instantly. Fuck that.

Of course that's my opinion as a fan and someone who has been a fan for over a year now. If people want to drop him no matter what I'm chill with that as long as they don't come after me/harass any other fans.

The people defending him in the YouTube comments are wrong and part of a nasty demographic that I really don't like. They do make up a lot of Schlatt's audience but I wish he would call them out sometimes. This is why I doubt mans will make a response, but it feels more likely that he'll be careful and better in the future.

He could post anything and it would get good views. The jackbox videos were lazy and uninspired. He's smarter than this (I could rant for hours about how good he is at satire and making fun of Bad People and exactly where he fucked up with this video) and he's clearly not like this irl. It annoys me and it will keep annoying me if he says nothing.

Maybe they'll say something on Chuckle Sandwich. Connor did imply that Schlatt knows the video was a bad decision, but I won't be happy until we hear something from the man himself.

The doxxing situation is terrifying. All his personal info, and the info of his family and friends, plus his address, maybe even his card number. It's disgusting. People who are apparently visiting his house are so out of line and I hope Schlatt and Connor are okay rn.

If you ever need to talk you can message me. I have a server dedicated to documenting YouTube/twitch/CC drama. It's invite only rn but we can talk about that if you want.

Hope everyone's doing okay. I'll keep updating on the situation.