#feeling like i need to interact with my abusers at all is so exhausting.

[our-aplatonic-experience]

i got so happy when i found out i'm aplatonic, genuinely. i think the main reason was because i have ocd, and one of my obsessions has always been this horrible fear of being an abusive toxic piece of shit being without realizing.

in turn that made me compulsively look up articles on How To Be A Healthy Person 101, and *so many of them* would go on and on about how you should have plenty of friends and broaden your social circle because by being friends/romantically involved with just a few people or even only *one* person you aren't going to "grow as a person" and "humans are social creatures" and "you shouldn't push all of your needs" onto one person, and for a long time that made me feel really fucked up

i would join discord servers, i would give out my handles to anyone who would breathe near me, i would try so hard that it was only after i realized i'm apl and started looking back that i noticed how bad all of that was being for me. i'd get so exhausted and uncomfortable, and it certainly didn't help that in today's internet culture people overshare *so much,* to the point where i felt like if i didn't share everything about myself i wouldn't be able to bond properly with others and feel that "spark" of friendship. none of my friendships ever lasted obviously, they died off very quickly.

upon learning about aplatonicism, it was such a.. relief? "oh! so it's fine. and i don't have to try anymore, because you can be happy just being by yourself with no friends." and consequentially i learned about so many more things, like how i enjoy being *around* people and even *with* them to a certain degree [depending on how i'm feeling], but not thoroughly involved, like in a class or a club, or people watching in an online game, that's how i get most of my Social Interaction Points. it all made me realize that i can reject concepts that don't work for me regardless of what society tells me, and that i should prioritize my well being and my happiness which had always been something i struggled with throughout my entire life.

most importantly, it made me more confident in how i navigate my relationships nowdays, and it made me better at establishing boundaries and pursuing the things i want. i have so much time and so many things i wanna do when i'm pretty much by myself almost all the time, it's very fun! feels so nice when i can stop for a second and appreciate that i'm by myself.

to all apls out there, you guys are very cool and i hope you have a good day today. :] thumbs up emoji

:D

[n0ct0urn1quet]

hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive

[squirmhoney]

BUT HE NEEDS A WIFE | NAOYA ZEN'IN

Please read all warnings carefully, my fics cover dark topic matters, that may be upsetting to certain readers. Read at your own discretion. Warnings: Dark. Arranged/Forced marriage. Non con touching. Violence against reader. Mentions of sex. Misogynistic views. Degrading views. Submissive reader. Abusive relationship. Forced pregnancy. Non con. Dub con. 18+ A/N: I feel like the character is a warning in itself. But of course I had to pick this one, out of all the characters in JJK.

AS ALWAYS MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! MASTER LIST HERE

-

When your parents told you of your engagement to Haru, you had been hesitant. 

You knew it was an honour to marry someone so high up in the Zen’in clan but you had remembered Haru from your teenage years, or more so his closest companion, Naoya Zen’in. 

Naoya had always tormented you growing up, spitting about how a weak woman like you should know your place. He even once forced his friends to hold you three steps behind him as he paraded you through the school. 

Where a woman should be, he had chuckled darkly. 

It was no surprise he had turned out the way he did. 

Since you had known him, people around him had been feeding him the belief he’d be head of the Zen’in clan one day. No wonder he constantly felt entitled and put himself above everybody else. But his arrogance when it came to women was something else, something that had bile creeping up your throat every time someone even uttered his name. 

You had never understood why girls had thrown themselves his way, knowing they’d be discarded like a used toy the next day. 

Even your childhood best friend had fawned over him, fluttering her eyelashes and bowing her head like an obedient servant every time he walked her way. For years he had never even batted an eye her way, completely ignoring her existence. 

Until he had exhausted his options and finally his line of vision was turning in her direction. Or that’s at least what you believed.

It was only days after you were cradling her form in your lap, her tears soaking your legs as you brushed her hair out of her face. 

The sight had sent you into an out of mind craze because days later you found yourself completely alone as you confronted him about it. 

At first he had laughed when he saw you storming over his way, even whistling your way. Only for his eyes to narrow at you when you spat your vicious words at him, hand wrapping around your throat before you could finish. 

“Anyone would be grateful to be even touched by me,” he hissed, holding you against the wall. 

You had wheezed his name, fingernails clawing at his hand. But his grip only tightened, as he glared at you. 

“It’s a fucking honour.” He was seething as he spoke the words, a rage pouring off of him that you had never seen before. One that you’d hoped you’d never see again. 

With your tears you begged for your life, unable to speak with his hands constraining your neck. 

You didn’t know why he let go of you, letting you drop to the floor below him. But he had, giving you once last disgusted look before he walked away. 

Even in your fear you had been defiant, the words falling from your lips before you could stop them. 

“I fear for the woman who ends up marrying you.” 

Naoya had simply rolled his eyes at your words, nostrils flaring slightly but he never responded. 

Even though Haru hadn’t been there to witness that day, he had still been friends with Naoya for so long. By association you believed him to be an awful person and the thought of a marriage with someone like that, terrified you to the core. 

But Haru had changed since then. 

He was gentle and doting, reassuring you with every day you spent together that he would be a good husband. Nothing he did made you believe he could be lying and so each night when he gently brushed his lips with yours before you settled into bed together, you opened your mind to the idea of it. Until it was truly all you believed.

-

Words couldn’t reach your lips when you had been told, body only freezing in your seat as your parents had blabbered on to you and Haru. 

It’s an honour, you heard your father say. The head of the Zen’in clan blessing our daughter’s marriage is an honour. 

Luckily Haru spoke for you, hand grabbing yours as he squeezed it gently. 

Of course we’d be honoured to have him in our home. Haru had told your parents. Me and Naoya used to be such good friends back in the day

Your gaze lifted to look at him then, body trembling beside him as you caught his wide smile. 

There was a sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach when you returned home that day. One that you were unable to shake even as the day drew closer and your fiancé tried so hard to reassure you it’d be okay. 

“He won’t bless our marriage,” you had told Haru, eyes glazed over with tears. “I know it.” 

Haru only shook his head, not taking your fear seriously. “Relax-” 

“I know him.” Your hands gripped onto his shirt, pleading with him to listen. “He’ll do it out of spite. He hates me.” 

“It’s been years, Y/N.” 

You turned away, trying to steady your shaky breaths as you listened to your words. You really wanted to believe him, to think that everything would be okay. But you had both known a different person growing up, while he had been your biggest tormentor, he had been one of Haru’s closest friends. 

Haru had of course had no reason to believe that Naoya hated you so much, that he wouldn’t bless your marriage just because he felt like it. 

But that tightening feeling in your stomach told you differently. Even when you desperately craved to not want to believe it. 

“It will only be for a few hours,” Haru reassured you, his hand rubbing into your shoulders. 

“A few hours,” you repeated, taking a shaky breath. 

You felt Haru shift behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he held you close. “You know he’s trying to find a wife?” 

You giggled a bit at that, a small smile perking up on your lips that your fiancé seemed to share with you, “I pray for the woman who has to marry him.” 

“So do I,” he laughed with you. 

There was a knock on the door, the tension rising in your body again. 

“Must be him,” Haru stated, eyes turning towards the direction of the door. “It’ll be okay.” 

Haru tried to reassure you with a peck to your cheek but your body was already quivering with nerves, unable to shake the uneasy feeling. 

A feeling that only grew as you heard his horrifying familiar voice. 

-

Mandatory duties like this were a chore for Naoya. 

Who cared whether he approved of someone’s marriage or not? 

However, when he had seen your name on the papers alongside Haru’s, he had almost choked on the tea he had been sipping. 

How had Haru found himself in such an unfortunate situation to be engaged to you? 

Someone as disobedient as you, surely there must have been a mistake in what he was seeing. He remembered your last conversation years ago like a sour taste in his mouth that he just couldn’t quite get rid of. 

You had the nerve to touch him, to look into his eyes as if you were his equal- No, not even that, you had seen yourself better than him. 

Naoya had never shaken the rage at that, blood still boiling at the memory. 

He had been merciful that day.

Something he wouldn’t be today, he had told himself as Haru greeted him at your front door. 

“Where is she then?” Naoya asked, making sure his voice carried through your small home. 

He wanted you to know he was there. Whichever room you were hiding in, he wanted you to be quivering at his arrival. 

“Where’s your beautiful fiancé?” 

He hadn’t expected you to step through a door in the hallway, joining your husband’s side. What was most surprising was when you bowed to him, not even uttering a word as you greeted him in the proper way. 

His eyes scanned your form, running over you in your attire and admiring the way your yukata fit your body so well. 

“Would you finish preparing the tea for us?” Haru asked you, gently pushing you back in the direction you came. 

You bowed your head to him before returning back to the kitchen. 

He couldn’t help but watch your frame as it disappeared into another room. He used to tease you about your wider hips, only now he was biting back the words as his cock twitched at the sight of them. 

“What have you done to her?” There was humour laced in Naoya’s tone but all that met his eyes was a deep hunger. One that he was sure his old friend caught on to. 

“She’s going to be a great wife,” Haru commented, giving Naoya a small smile before he directed him to another room. “Please, let's get you comfortable.” 

Conversation flowed between him and Haru easily as if time had never passed. The only time his mind seemed to slip away from the conversation was when you entered the room, tray in hand as you quietly placed it on the table in front of them. 

It’s also when he noticed how your delicate hands were trembling as they poured his tea, his lips curling up into a dark grin. There was something satisfying about seeing you so scared to be around him, especially after all these years. 

“Thank you, Y/N,” Haru said to you as he took his tea from your hand, pulling you to sit beside him. 

He looked at Naoya then, eyes squinting for a second as he placed an arm over your shoulders. Naoya knew that look, he had seen it on so many men before when their wives would sneak him sneaky glances. 

Haru was acting possessive and Naoya actually thought it was cute. 

“Such an obedient wife you have there,” Naoya spoke, only to tut at himself as he caught his words. “Sorry, I meant fiancé. You still need my blessing before that.” 

You looked at him then, eyes glazed over, only for a second before your gaze returned to your hands. 

There you are, he thought. 

He saw the fear that seeped into your eyes at his words. 

“You know Haru there’s a position that really needs filling,” Naoya changed the conversation. “It would get you more money than whatever you’re making now. Help you better provide for your future wife.” 

“If you see me fit for the job,” Haru said, eyes widening with hope at his words. 

Naoya almost felt pity for him. 

-

Two hours in and you were excusing yourself to the kitchen, hand covering your mouth as you muffled your gasps of breath. 

You didn’t understand how Haru could be so blind, not even noticing the sadistic grin on Naoya’s face as he toyed with the pair of you. He knew he had all the control, practically holding it over your heads like the dogs he thought you were. 

Naoya was quiet as he crept behind you, so quiet you didn’t even notice him until his hands were playing with your hair. 

You gasped at the touch but didn’t dare to move as he trapped you between his body and cabinet in front of you. 

“There’s a good girl,” Naoya whispered, brushing your hair over your shoulder. You could feel his breath fan against your skin as he inched closer. “You are such a submissive thing, aren’t you?” 

You swallowed, pushing yourself further into the cabinet in hopes to escape his grasp. 

“All the lessons when we were teenagers really seemed to seep in, didn’t they?” He asked but you knew he didn’t really want a response. “I bet you’re even saving yourself for the big day.” 

You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of an answer but he could see it in your heated glare through the reflection of the window. 

“You are.” He sniffed your neck, inhaling your scent as he pressed himself right up against you. “So pure, Y/N. You’re going to be such a great wife.” 

You could feel every bit of him as he pressed his body against yours and you were horrified at the feel of his hardness rubbing against your back. 

You bit on your lip to keep any noise buried, knowing he was already getting off on how docile you were being. You didn’t need him to get off on your fear as well. 

At the sound of Haru’s footsteps coming down the stairs, he backed away but not far enough from your liking. 

“I should be going to see your parents now, Y/N,” Naoya spoke to you before he turned to Haru, patting him on his shoulder. “I’ll keep in touch with you about the job as well, Haru.” 

Haru saw him out, walking back to you with the biggest grin as he tried to cup your face. 

You flinched away, turning back to the cleaning you had started. 

“You heard him,” Haru said, wrapping his arms around you. “We are going to be fine.” 

You wanted to scream at him, unable to understand how he just couldn’t see what you saw. 

But you didn’t say anything, only biting at your bottom lip to keep your tears at bay as you hugged him back, knowing it would probably be the last time. 

-

There was no surprise on your face when your parents broke the news to you. 

Not until they had explained why Naoya hadn’t approved of your engagement. 

You wanted to plead with your parents for them to take it back, to not allow you to go through with this. 

But you knew the shame that it’d bring them and as much as it haunted you, it was something you couldn’t possibly do to them. There was nothing they could probably do anyway, who were they to refuse the head of the Zen’in clan. 

You weren’t allowed to see Haru after that, Naoya had made that clear to your parents. 

You had spent most of your days in your childhood room at home, not wanting your parents to catch on how truly sick this made you. You didn’t want to put that guilt on them, for them to learn how truly unhappy you would be with the match. 

Even when you reached your wedding day and you felt completely numb to the core, you dragged yourself out of bed with a smile. 

Everyone you knew attended the ceremony, the whole of the Zen’in clan being in attendance. Even your Haru standing in the second row. 

You couldn’t even meet any of their eyes, gaze being glued to the floor.

For the first time in your life you found some solace in Naoya’s eyes, even if it was only to help you draw your attention to something other than the hundreds of other people watching. 

But the way he was smiling at you, had you fighting with yourself to not turn away. 

It was as if he was revelling in victory for a game you hadn’t even realised you both had been playing. 

Once the ceremony was over, Naoya paraded you around like a doll, showing you to anyone and everyone that would stop to watch. People from your teenage years ogled their eyes at you in disbelief, clearly being shocked to see the pair of you being wed off. 

It made as little sense to them as it did you. 

Even as you sat next to him while you ate together, you still couldn’t piece together why he was doing this. It’s all you wanted to ask, still believing in your head that this was some sort of sick joke. That he’d eventually get bored and start laughing and this all would be over. 

“Your parents served you well,” Naoya finally spoke to you, arm leaning over the back of your chairs. 

You turned to him at this, not truly understanding what he was getting at.

“I’ll definitely make sure to thank them for bringing you up like this.” Naoya smirked, toying with his food on the table. “You’re going to be such a great wife.” 

You were going to be sick, you were sure of it. 

“You’ve barely touched your food,” he stated. “Something wrong?” 

“No, I-” you swallowed, eyes flickering up to tables surrounding you. “It’s just nerves.” 

In the sea of people you spotted him, looking back at you with a hollow stare. 

Naoya’s eyes followed your line of sight, a wicked smile touching his lips as he noticed. 

You felt him lean into your side, lips grazing your ear as he whispered, “As wife to the head of the Zen’in clan you must sever all notions of ever having a different life in your mind.”  

You could see Haru’s face drop and it was almost like he couldn’t bear to watch you anymore, turning away.

You shuddered as Naoya’s next words brushed against your neck. 

“You belong to the clan now and to me.” 

He pressed a kiss under your ear, before returning to his meal. 

“Remember that.” 

-

[heesdreamer]

YOU MAKE ME

PAIRING ➩ heeseung x reader

SUMMARY ➩ struck with insomnia your entire life, you’ve taken to exploring the city restless all night. things change when you meet a tall boy with tired eyes and bruised knuckles

WARNINGS ➩ heeseung is lowkey crazy and obsessed with reader, parental death and abuse and implied violence, sexual scenes and commentary, mental health talk (especially insomnia)

WC ➩ 17k

AUTHORS NOTE ➩ (i lied lol part 2 soon) NOOO PART 2 plz don’t request im so serious i rlly love this story and it’s completed it has nothing else to add! im glad you guys enjoy my work enough to want more but when there is no feedback in ur comment and just “need part 2” when i spent so much time writing 13k+ words it makes me feel terrible lol. i rlly hope you love this as much as me (NOT PROOFREAD)

Your mother used to tell you that she thought you were born from a piece of the moon.

When you were old enough to understand her and her strange sayings, she’d tell you stories about how when you were a baby you’d never sleep through a night. She looked mystified as she explained to you the ways in which you’d gain energy every time the sun set, becoming whiny and ornery whenever she’d take you with her to run errands during the day.

She told you how you struggled in school for most of your early years, always being found curled up in your backpack cubby or under the slides at the playground because you hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before.

You always were much more cynical than your mother, less of a dreamer and typically prone to aggravation or grumpy tired mumbles. She’d tell you your connection with the moon was a blessing, a lifelong friend for you and you’d retort back that it was a nuisance.

When your mom died you finally realized what she had meant for the first time. You spent nights awake, like usual, but now they were accompanied by nothing but the sounds of your low sobs and your father drinking himself stupid just below your bedroom. It wasn’t until you cracked open your bedroom window for some fresh winter air did you catch sight of the moon and finally feel it, finally feel the connection you’d always been told you had.

Years had passed now and while you didn’t cry every night anymore, you still rarely found yourself able to sleep through the night.

You’d also turned your back on the moon again now that you were older and still just as restless, sleeping throughout your classes and lacking any social life considering the way you wandered through the halls like a ghost with sunken eyes and dark circles.

It was frustrating to you that nothing seemed to be working, no amount of teas or yoga exercises. You’d gone as far as to take prescribed sleep medication, only working enough to make you more exhausted than you already were yet not putting you to rest like you were longing for.

Years of trying and you’ve mostly given up, accepted your condition and never once considered it the blessing your mother had tried to convince you it was.

Blessings wouldn’t leave your bones aching, they wouldn’t leave you slow blinking trying to understand what your teachers were saying or stumbling holding your lunch tray. Blessings surely wouldn’t have you stood in the middle of a dirty 7/11, clutching three bags of chips and a large slushee while you impatiently waited for the two people in front of you to move along.

You’d realized a few things by being a night owl, only ever interacting with people having the same issue as you or people who worked early enough that you’d pass by them on your way back to your house.

You’d taken to spending your nights awake out in the city, sick of staring at your ceiling or scrolling down the same boring timelines that carried nothing but the same content posted thousands of times with different wordings. So you started to explore at some point during high school, each night pushing yourself to wander further and find something interesting before heading back.

Sometimes you ended up at the river, sitting and watching drunk older men laugh with their friends like they were teenagers, catching the ends of failed dates as they walked home with their heels in their hands.

Other times you sat and drank coffee in the few 24 hour shops scattered around the city, sipping it slowly until it was cold and the added sugar was hardening at the bottom of your paper cup.

Most times however you simply found yourself stood in this exact position, holding your snacks of choice and tapping your foot impatiently while you waited for the drunk college students in front of you to stop joking around with the exhausted cashier and pay for their beers. It wasn’t that late yet, not quite the time of night that got you weird stares for wandering around in your pajamas.

You could hear the cashiers tired voice repeating their total to them, asking if they wanted to pay with cash or card and you sighed softly. You tilted to the side with an exaggerated sway so you could see over their laughing bodies, vaguely meeting eyes with the boy behind the counter before flopping back to your original position.

A heavy sigh was slipping out of your mouth before you even realized it and one of the drunk men turned back to look at you, an eyebrow cocked in offense as he let out a nasty laugh after taking you in.

You were pretty used to that reaction, standing in your plaid pajamas with your favorite bunny slippers and knitted hat. Your eyes were low and heavy with sleep deprivation, an annoyed glint to your expression that seemed to aggravate him further once the glare was set towards him.

“Are we bugging you Ms?” He was asking it in a mockingly sweet tone, clearly antagonizing you due to your impatience. You sighed again and your eyes drifted to the side for a moment in indifference, too exhausted to hold a conversation let alone argue with a grown man who didn’t know how to behave in a public setting.

“Yeah.. a little bit.” You were casually mumbling after a few beats of him and his friend staring at you, realizing now they weren’t going to just let you go without a response.

He was scoffing like it was the craziest thing he’d ever heard and you felt a little jolt of your inner alert system when he was taking a step towards you, his much larger frame slightly intimidating on top of the fact he was drunk and not thinking clearly.

He stopped early in his advances however and you were confused for a second before you registered the sound of the cashier clearing his throat, the two men turning back to look at him with an incredulous look. When you’d first gotten a glimpse of him he’d been bent over the counter, his elbows resting against it with a bored expression but now that he was standing up to his full height you faltered a bit at how tall he was.

The two men seemed to be thinking the same thing as you, suddenly hesitant in their childish behavior and awkwardly handing him a wadded up bill before taking their case of beer and staggering out of the convenience store.

“Thanks.” You were muttering and dumping your snacks out onto the counter, awkwardly catching one of the candy bars that bounced off a bag of chips and almost fell back onto the ground.

“No problem.” He was responding back with a small shrug and you glanced at him curiously, scanning his tired eyes down to the work uniform that didn’t fit him properly.

“You’re not Jake.” You were announcing and he faltered in his scanning, eyes widening a touch as he looked down at you. He was wearing a name tag but you came by often enough to know that it wasn’t his own, never having seen him before and growing used to the friendly smile the usual third shifter would give you every time you dragged yourself in.

“Uh.. no. I’m not, yeah you’re right.” He was awkwardly muttering back and you almost felt bad for calling him out so directly so you laughed a bit to ease the tension, just as awkward considering you weren’t used to extended social interaction this late at night. “He had a concert he couldn’t miss.. asked me to take over.”

You were nodding softly, mouth parting in understanding and awkwardly shuffling while the conversation quickly died into a weird silence. The sounds of your slippers against the tiled floor was scratchy and too loud for your taste, making you wince slightly at how embarrassing this whole interaction was.

“Are you getting paid?” You don’t know why you asked him another question, why you were carrying on a conversation when it’d been years since you’d had one randomly like this but you liked the way his big eyes flickered back up to you.

“Yeah of course.” He was breaking out into a wide grin at the mention of it, finishing scanning your snacks and looking at the register for a second like he’d forgotten what to do next. “I’m normally up all night anyways so I don’t mind much.”

This piqued your interest but you kept your face neutral, nodding softly and picking at the peeling leather of your wallet while you waited for him to give you your total. He was looking up at you again before he spoke and his eyes landed on your hat for a second, still smiling softly as he looked at the knitted bunny ears.

You cleared your throat and he stopped staring, stammering out how much it had cost you and you slid a few bills over to him while watching the way he fumbled around trying to get the register to open.

“Well… have a good night then.” You were mumbling to him while grabbing the plastic bags he was handing you over the clear divider, your fingers brushing against his warm knuckles for a second. “Not Jake.”

“Goodnight.” He was casually saying back and you wanted to correct him on his wording and tell him you didn’t sleep much either, tell him you understood filling your nights with mindless task and the dark circles under his big eyes. Instead you just bit the inside of your cheek and turned to leave. “Have fun wandering.”

——

You’d left early the next night, starting your walk around midnight instead of the usual 3am and you hurried down to the bus stop that would take you deep into the city. You pulled your headphones on tight and chewed on your lip as you waited for the stop you were planning to get off at.

When you got there, you were tugging on the stop signal line and standing up before the driver pulled the brakes. You swayed slightly when he came to a complete stop and you thanked him as you hopped off the high step, speed walking towards your destination and adjusting your bunny hat on your head before you passed through the doors.

The loud chime of the stores entrance bell rang uncomfortably loud through your ears and you winced at the volume, ducking behind one of the tall shelves and grabbing a few snacks at random before making your way over to the register.

Jake was there again now, giving you that familiar greeting smile and you couldn’t help but feel a small wave of disappointment. You weren’t sure why you thought the boy from last night would be back again considering he’d clearly told you he was just filling in for his friend but you frowned slightly and mumbled a greeting to the boy in front of you instead.

“You’re here early.” Jake was starting and you almost sighed. He was friendly and you admired how much energy he had but he often tried to engage in conversation with you whenever you came by, despite the annoyed glances you occasionally threw his way. “You almost missed me.”

You picked your head up at this, suddenly more alert and raising an eyebrow towards him in interest. As far as you knew, Jake was the only third shift worker and he must’ve barely started considering how early in the night it still was so he must’ve meant he was leaving before his usual time.

“Who’s going to watch the store then?” You were asking him and you tried to ignore how knowing the smile he was giving you was, laughing slightly at the fact you were suddenly interested in what he had to say for the first time ever.

“My best friend, Heeseung.” He was responding slowly and you faltered slightly, not knowing the boy from yesterday’s name so you didn’t want to get too excited over nothing. “He helped me out last night and said it was more interesting than he expected so he offered again.”

“He offered?” You were speaking before he even finished his last syllable and you flushed with embarrassment at the look he gave you, shuffling awkwardly on your feet and waiting for him to respond now that you confirmed it was the same person.

He didn’t say anything but he gave a soft hum of agreement and continued to swiftly bag your snacks, much more natural and efficient than his friend but you liked the way Heeseung stared at the register like it was an alien object. You were interested in him just from the small conversation you had, although feeling uncomfortable at the emotion considering it wasn’t something you usually felt.

You chalked it down to the fact he reminded you of yourself, not so much in his lazy smiles and casual demeanor but something about the way his tired eyes looked around.

Jake was opening his mouth again to speak and you looked up at him curiously but you both froze at the sound of the entrance bell ringing again, looking over to see the boy in question entering.

He froze when he saw the two of you staring at him, eyes falling to your hat and then down to your face which caused his to flicker with recognition. He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck, looking even taller now that he wasn’t standing behind the counter.

Heeseung was wearing a large hoodie pulled over his head and you could see the wires of his headphones going down into his shirt, tangled around his wrist that was clutching onto the strap of the backpack he was wearing. It was light looking and you weren’t sure if he had anything inside it or if he was just carrying it to give himself something to hold onto.

“Hey.” Jake was smiling at him and simultaneously handing you your plastic bag full of random snacks, hitting you with the reminder you had no real reason to stay in the store now despite the fact Heeseung had just arrived.

“Um.. thanks.” You were awkwardly muttering and taking it from him, shifting a few steps towards the door but stopping when you realized the tall boy was still standing in front of it and you had no way around him.

He was watching you still with a curious expression and you felt embarrassed suddenly, knowing Jake must have pieced together your reason for coming here so early and now he was watching you clam up and leave before you’d even gotten the chance to speak a word to the boy.

You were just standing there in silence, waiting for him to move and silently praying he would do you didn’t have to awkwardly shuffle around his large frame, when he suddenly was adjusting the backpack on his shoulders and clearing his throat while looking past you towards his friend.

“Change of plans. I’m busy tonight.” He was saying in a low determined voice and you could hear Jake sigh from behind you, your eyes widening slightly in confusion until the other boy was looking back at you with a small smile on his face. “Want to hang out with me?”

It took a few seconds for you to register he was actually asking you, staring up at him with an open mouth and stuttering for a moment before giving up on a verbal answer and nodding your head swiftly. He smiled even more at that and then he was waving goodbye to his friend, turning back around and holding the door open for you so you could quickly scurry out of it.

You weren’t too sure what to do, still feeling too nervous to speak clearly so you paused and waited to see if he would say something first. He didn’t but he lifted an eyebrow and gave you an expectant look, silently telling you that you were in charge of your destination for the night.

The pressure of a decision made you sigh softly and you gave him a weird look that made him chuckle, thinking for a moment before turning on your heel and walking away. He jogged slightly to catch up with you and you walked in comfortable silence for a few moments.

“Can I ask where we are going?” He was eventually mumbling, leaning down and towards you slightly so you could hear him at his low volume. Your lip curled up at the fact he was whispering for no reason.

“You don’t trust me?” You were asking him back and your teasing attitude seemed to catch him off guard for a second, raising his hands in mock defense and cocking an eyebrow in challenge.

“I do trust you actually, weirdly.” He paused and you could feel him looking sideways at you. You ignored his gaze and kept facing forward, following the sidewalk that was cutting through the park near the river. “Considering you don’t even know my name.”

You almost replied telling him that you did know his, that you’d been repeating it in your mind since Jake had informed you of it in the store but you figured that would be too forward and instead you just hummed softly. He didn’t ask you for your name, or even offer his and for some reason you had a feeling he already knew it.

Possibly asking Jake about you, an easy answer considering your unusual attire and late night arrival, and that being the reason behind the cashiers knowing smirk when you pushed through the glass door.

“Is this what you normally do?” He was talking again after a few more minutes of silent walking and this time, it was your turn to look at him from the side of your eye. “Walk around?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged and you felt one of the bunny ears from your hat fall off your shoulder at the movement. You weren’t sure why you didn’t give him a straight forward answer, knowing perfectly well your usual routine.

It felt strange to be accompanied by somebody even though he wasn’t talking much, you could tell he was thinking and wanting to ask you things and as much as you were intrigued by him it was slightly unsettling you to be around somebody for this long.

You spent most your days isolated, not having anybody to talk to at home considering any attempt of conversation with your father usually ended poorly anyways, eventually giving up altogether unless he was grunting something to you every morning when you wandered back into the house.

At school it was relatively the same, or most times worse. You don’t think the other students necessarily meant to complete ice you out but nobody seemed to know how to talk to you after your mom died, at first being overly compassionate and eager to empathize with you vocally and then eventually fading off into small pitiful smiles when they met your tired eyes in the hallway or eyeing you when you came into class late with messy hair.

Heeseung didn’t seem to be giving you any of these looks, he looked confused by your behavior at times but it was accompanied by small smirks or friendly chuckles.

You once again wondered why he was awake right now, why he seemed like he was used to this setting as much as you and not like he was forcing himself to stay up for the sake of making a new friend. You were curious what he was thinking about and what lead him to ask you to hang out in the first place.

“Have you been to the coffee shop on 44th?” He was suddenly asking and breaking you from your train of thought, his voice still in a low whisper.

“Why are you being quiet?” You ignored his question and raised an eyebrow in his direction, tugging on your sleeve and watching the way he faltered slightly.

“Guess I’m not used to talking to somebody this late.” He was shrugging now and he almost looked embarrassed at your question, making you feel slightly guilty for making him uncomfortable.

It wasn’t that late yet, people were still wandering around from bars and late night dinners and you could hear the squeal of the bus brakes still running. The city was rarely ever dark, even in the parks near the bridge but the mood changed sometime around 4am and you felt like the trees were sleeping. Everything was still awake now however and Heeseung whispering was driving you a bit crazy.

“What about Jake?” You were asking him more now, trying to make conversation so he knew you didn’t mean any harm from your comment.

“Jake’s a freak of nature.” He was relaxing again at the mention of his friend, a smile naturally slipping back onto his face at the familiar topic. “You know he works this shift and still goes to school? He even plays football at Hope.”

The mention of your schools college made you freeze for a second, faltering in your step and causing him to look back at you with concern, turning his body so he could face you now that you were lagging behind him. He raised an eyebrow at you and you gave him a confused look.

“You guys go to Hope?” You were saying it slowly so he heard you clearly and his head cocked like a confused dog.

“I don’t, Jake is older than us.” His use of the word threw you off completely and he must’ve noticed because he let out an awkward laugh at your reaction, scratching his neck in embarrassment. “We’re in the same grade.”

“We like… as in me and you?” You rushed out and he nodded his head, hands coming up in panic when you let out a low groan of guilt.

“It’s okay, don’t worry! I didn’t recognize you at first either, it’s a big class.” He was rambling to try and make you feel better about the fact you didn’t even realize he was your classmate, his comfortable behavior suddenly making more sense. You’d definitely never spoken to him but the fact he’d seen you around such a familiar place would make more sense towards why he was so willingly to walk around with you in the middle of the night.

“I’ve been there since Kindergarten.” You blurted out with wide eyes, exclaiming loudly in pure shock that you’d been so oblivious.

“Me too..” He was awkwardly offering with a wince like he knew it would just make the situation worse that’d you’d been classmates for over a decade.

You raised your sweater covered hands up to your face and groaned loudly, pulling your bunny ears in front of your eyes so you didn’t have to look at his sheepish expression anymore. You could hear him laughing softly at how dramatic you were being and you moved one ear to the side to send him a half glare.

“It’s really okay.” He was laughing out and you could see his soft smile from your one uncovered eye, watching him with a flushed face and growing embarrassment the more amused he became. “It’s not like you’re there much anyways.”

He was saying it casually, like he hadn’t even thought about it before it came out of his mouth but you both froze up at the same time at his accidental admission. You slowly moved your ears to the side and raised an eyebrow at him, leaning your upper half forward slightly and trying not to smile at the fact he was now the one flushing in embarrassment.

“So you notice me?” You were dragging out the words and your lip curled up in amusement, racking through your mind for times you’d seen the tall boy and coming up blank. In your defense, your entire school catalogue section of your brain was completely empty and that included cute boys with giant backpacks.

“I mean… well it’s just like… it’s not like I was stalking you or anything.” He was rambling on and moving his hands around a lot like he was really trying to prove his point, going back to awkwardly scratching at his neck when you gave him a disbelieving look.

“Heeseung.” You cut him off and he paused for a second in surprise, making you realize you’d just said his name without ever asking him for it.

He seemed to relax at that, knowing you also knew more about him than you were previously letting on and his shoulders lowered now that he was less tensed. He looked like he wanted to speak again but you felt embarrassed suddenly and took a few steps forward slowly, waiting for him to get the memo that you wanted to continue on your walk.

The two of you fell back into another spout of silence, awkward at first and then more comfortable as you got deeper into the city. It was more relaxed accompanied by the sounds of people laughing and cars honking their horns, kitchen staff wishing each other goodnight as they left different restaurants and swapped signs over to closed.

You were glancing over at Heeseung after a while and you studied him for a moment while he wasn’t paying attention, his big eyes looking around the city with the same expression you assumed you often had. No matter how many times you came down here, you always felt the exact same.

You always had this longing to capture the moment in some sort of way, giving up on photographs and videos quickly into your new habit considering they simply never were able to fully express how it felt. You tried writing about it, talking about the city always felt awake and how it unsettled you in a way that felt like a friendly challenge and not like your world flipping upside down.

“Where do you go?” You were asking him before you even realized it, watching his side profile as his big eyes opened wide for a second at the sudden sound of your voice and then darted right to look at you.

He seemed to think for a second and then he answered slowly. “I don’t know actually. Just here I guess, I just like to be here I think.”

The two of you watched each other for a few beats, holding the others gaze and you liked the way the neon signs behind you were reflecting off his round dark eyes. It was like a little piece of the city was frozen inside them and you almost said that to him before swallowing it, realizing how creepy it would sound out loud.

You didn’t say much else for the rest of the night, wandering around a bit more before eventually settling at one of the small parks near the center of the main area of downtown. You sat in silence like that, you pulling out your notebook that had few words and many sketches and Heeseung playing with the strings of his headphones as he listened to music.

You could faintly hear it coming from them, loud enough to reach you a few feet away and you considered telling him he was able to play it out loud if he wanted to but for some reason you felt like it was private, leaving him to listen by himself.

When the night was slowly changing into that familiar blue color, the stage right in the center of night and day when everything is coated in the indigo filter, you were standing up off the ground and dusting off your pants. Heeseung was looking up at you due to your sudden movement and you stood over him, offering him a hand so you could pull him up.

It was mainly his own strength put into moving his weight forward considering he was a lot taller than you and you were quite weak due to your lack of sleep, but he seemed to appreciate the friendly gesture and gave you a small smile after he was back on his feet.

“What bus do you take?” He was asking you on your way back to the 7/11 and you felt him looking at the side of your face.

“15.” You answered slowly, your voice softer now as the exhaustion started to seep in. You were suddenly grateful it was a weekend, the social interaction leaving you more tired than normal and hopefully giving you the opportunity to sleep an hour or two. “You?”

“Same, but Jake is bringing me home with him today.” He was mumbling and nodded your head, picking at the skin around your nails and feeling more guilt at the fact you’d never seen him on the bus before either. “Did you want a ride home?”

His question was surprising you and your eyes widened, looking at him and seeing the concern pass over his face at your sudden change of demeanor. You were shaking your head quickly, ears swooshing around your head and you raised a hand to shake it, really emphasizing your denial.

You couldn’t imagine your fathers reaction to you being brought home by a car, especially one that contained two teenage boys in the front seat. It already took him long enough to stop punishing you for leaving at night, eventually giving up on denying you your freedom once you started to pace around the house all night instead.

“Alright, no problem.” He said quickly and you were glad he didn’t push the topic although you could tell he wanted to, a curious look on his features. Heeseung seemed to have a habit of clearly showcasing his emotions and you were grateful considering it made him easier to understand but frustrated when it was a look of pity or sympathy on his face.

You didn’t say anything when he continued to walk with you past the convenience store, walking side by side on the sidewalks even as they thinned out as you slightly left the city area.

He still didn’t speak again even when you both stood together and waited for the bus to arrive, him leaning against the plastic material covering the stops bench and you standing outside of it so the driver didn’t just blow right past you, not expecting somebody out this late.

It was you that finally turned towards him once you caught sight of the bus approaching, tugging on one of your ears awkwardly and shuffling your feet while you waited for it to get closer. You could hear it squealing to a stop, the doors creaking open while he looked at you with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m…” His stare was throwing you off and you started to falter in your words while nervously looking behind you towards the driver who was waiting. “I’ll be here tomorrow around the same time so… if you wanted to.. or if like..”

You trailed off with a sigh but he seemed to get the general idea, a small smile on his face as he dipped his head down slightly in a conforming nod, relief washing over you at the fact he hadn’t found your indirect invitation weird or out of place. You raised your hand in a wave goodbye and he returned, watching you as you pulled your headphones over your hat and ears and boarded the bus swiftly, softly thanking the driver for waiting and finding a seat towards the back.

You could see him outside the window as you pulled off, still leaning against the booth and watching the bus as it left until it rounded the corner. You flushed at the fact he had walked you to your stop despite needing to return back to the city area to get a ride from Jake, not even hesitating when you passed by the store earlier.

It was exciting to be interested in somebody or even something at all, rarely feeling too extreme of emotions considering how dull and hazy everything became with your repeated exhausted routine. Not even your father, sprawled on the couch and surrounded by empty beer cans, could damper your mood as you entered your small house.

It took you a long time, hours staring at your ceiling with a half wandering mind but you eventually managed to get a little bit of sleep, thoughts of Heeseung and his wired headphones accompanying you.

——

The routine continued like this for awhile and you slowly got accustomed to it, now expecting to see him every time you boarded the bus and he was already there waiting for you with his large backpack saving you the seat beside him.

Sometimes you didn’t talk, walking in silence for hours or finding a nice place to sit and do your own individual activities side by side. Other nights you struck up small conversation, talking about the city and your favorite places to go and every once in a while delving into deeper categories that slowly chipped away at the uncomfortable feeling that always came along with attempting to trust somebody.

Heeseung was nice to you and you liked that about him as selfish as it sounded. He never expected you to answer his questions and he rarely pried, around the second day he had even started to pull out snacks from his backpack and hand them over to you after he opened them.

It was a bit into meeting now and he was walking you back to the bus stop, large hands tightly holding onto the straps of his backpack like they always were. He had lots of little habits like that and you carefully filed them all away in your memory. Sometimes he boarded the bus with you but others he just walked with you down there before leaning against the booth and waiting for you to round the corner.

Sometimes you wanted to ask him where he lived, he had to be further away from the city than you considering he was always on the bus before you at the start of the night but that would put him at even more of a distance from your school than you were already at.

Speaking of school, you’d yet to see him around the building and you surprised yourself by actually keeping an eye out throughout the day. You were scanning your tired eyes around the cafeteria and turning your dizzy head in classrooms to see if he was present but you’d not caught sight of him yet and you felt weird about asking where he was.

Maybe he didn’t want to be friends outside of the few hours of the night you spent together, time almost nonexistent here. You felt like the world was frozen most nights you spent with him around the city and you figured he must prefer that aspect versus actually interacting with you in the daytime where other people could see.

You were too distracted in your thoughts that you didn’t even realize your brain was auto-piloting and boarding onto the bus before you even checked if he was coming along, going to turn around to see and completely missing the first large step off the ground. You fell forward and you imagined your side would’ve painfully landed directed on the jagged edges of the steps but you didn’t get a chance to find out, suspending in mid air considering Heeseung had jolted forward to grab onto you.

You could feel his hand wrapped around your side, the other placed in the middle of your shoulder blades so he could support your weight without falling forward himself. Your eyes were wide from almost hurting yourself and you flushed bright red at the concerned look on his face, helping you back to a standing position but keeping his hand on your waist even after you were fully stable.

The bus driver was clearing his throat and Heeseung glanced behind him awkwardly like he was originally not meant to get on the bus, but he turned back towards you and took a step onto the same one you were standing on.

It didn’t pass by you that this was the closest you’d ever been to him, normally keeping a few feet between you when you found a place to sit for the night and rarely ever being close enough to bump shoulders while walking side by side. Now, since he was stood on the same small step as you, you were practically pushed up against him while his hand was still gently against your side despite not having a reason to hold onto you anymore.

He was leaning forward, his chest pressing against you more and you awkwardly looked down at his feet instead of focusing on how tall he was at this distance, and you vaguely registered the fact he was paying for both of your bus tickets.

He seemed to catch on to the fact you were out of it a bit and losing focus, his hand pushing into your side slightly to let you know it was time to fully enter the bus and find your seats. You expected him to let you go once you entered the thin aisle but he didn’t and even when he was stood behind you walking towards the back, he kept his hand around your waist like he was guiding you.

It was removed once you took your seats and you found yourself still able to feel it for some reason, the feeling burned into your mind as he awkwardly cleared his throat and scratched at the back of his neck again.

You glanced over at him and his nervous demeanor, his hands fidgeting with his ripped pants now like he was also still reeling from the feeling of touching you so randomly. His hair was messy like normal but it was getting longer now, falling forward into his eyes so you couldn’t quite see what his expression was. You watched him as he put his headphones in but you leaned forward slightly to confirm that he wasn’t actually playing any music.

“Did you have somewhere to be?” You were asking him softly and then repeating it louder when you realized his headphones might block out some of your volume.

He looked at you with a raised eyebrow and took the one closest to you out of his ear, wrapping it around the outside instead and thinking for a second before he gave you an answer.

“Not necessarily.” He was mumbling back but sighing softly when you gave him a disbelieving look. “Okay well kind of but I want to get you home first.”

“I barely tripped.” You were rolling your eyes at him being overly concerned but the flush in your face gave you away and he laughed softly.

“Maybe I just wanted to hang out with you a little bit longer.” He was shrugging and turning his head to look at you better, smiling more at the way you squeezed your shoulders together and awkwardly glared forward at the floor.

“We could always hang out in school.” You were offering after a few beats of silence and you immediately regretted it, not sure how it even managed to escape your lips considering you’d already told yourself you weren’t going to question him.

His initial reaction didn’t give anything away to you, face remaining blank like he hadn’t put much thought into it but you noticed his hands starting to pick at the tape wrapped around his headphone wire and you felt guilty for bringing it up. You were about to back track and tell him to forget about it or change the subject but he was humming softly.

“I think that’d be nice.” He was saying it casually but there was a nervous edge to his voice and your mouth was downturned slightly. “Where do you eat lunch at?”

“Near the side doors.” You were answering smoothly although you left out the fact you more so used the free half an hour for a quick nap instead of actually eating. “You?”

“The library.” He was saying it hesitantly like he wasn’t sure if he should lie or not, knowing full well there was a no eating policy in that section of the school and you’d realize he wasn’t actually eating at lunch either. You both paused for a second in heavy silence before you were snorting a laugh.

“So you’re a loser basically?” Your comment was teasing and he visibly relaxed at your reaction, chuckling softly and nudging you with his thin shoulder.

“Sorry to disappoint Ms. Popular.” He was retorting back and you were glad to see the small smile return to his face and stay there now that you’ve both established this change in routine.

You wondered if he’d been thinking about it too, keeping an eye out for you or if he was actively avoiding you throughout the hallways like you’d previously thought. Maybe he figured the same as you, that you wouldn’t want to be suddenly seen with him or you wouldn’t acknowledge him and it would ruin the friendship you were slowly building.

When you got off the bus it was nice to see him still there, trying not to wince at how close the stop was to your house and how if it didn’t pull off immediately he’d see you walk up to the overgrown grass with windows titled off their hinges.

You tried not to think about it and after you gave him a small wave through the window you turned on your heel and kept your face forward, steely in your resolve to not spare him another nervous glance. This time you father didn’t seem to be home and you were grateful for that considering you had a feeling you were absolutely radiating with how much you were thinking about the boy.

It was hard to go to sleep, even more so than normal, with the ghost of his hand pressed again you and the knowledge that tomorrow you now knew where to find him. It was up to the two of you to decide if you used this information or ignored it and you weren’t sure which route he was hoping you’d take.

——

“I thought you’d forgotten about me for a second there.” Heeseung’s low voice was hitting your ears the second you crossed into the library and you let out a sigh of relief upon seeing him.

You were worried for the first half of the day that it would be awkward, that you wouldn’t know what to say to each other and it would ruin everything you’d be enjoying so much, but you knew from the second he spoke that you’d made the right choice in coming to find him.

“I was about to give up.” You scowled at him and placed your bag down on the back of the chair, climbing up and sitting across from him at the high top round table in the back of the library. “You’re hard to track down.. plus the librarian kept glaring at me every time I passed her desk like I was trying to steal her books.”

“She’s probably just used to only seeing me.” He was explaining with a small smirk at your complaining and you frowned at him softly while taking a second to take him in.

You weren’t sure why you expected him to look different during the day time, feeling a bit stupid now that you looked at him and he looked exactly the same. Almost exactly, outside of how much more exhausted he looked now that he was running on even less sleep, his hair was messier than it was around 2am and he was nervously looking around.

Heeseung was always handsome to you, despite the fact you tried to pretend you didn’t think so the first few times you hung out, but you noticed things about him under the school lights that you had missed outside in the near dark.

For one, he had his eyebrow pierced. You’re not exactly sure how you managed to not notice that considering you were currently frozen to your seat as you saw it gleaming against the light when he turned his head to look at you in confusion.

He looked embarrassed at the fact you were staring at him so intensely and he brought a hand up to mess with his bangs, the face jewelry disappearing back behind his hair and showcasing why you failed to see it before. His hand had bandaids on a few of his fingers and you almost asked him about them until he tucked them back into his hoodie sleeves.

“You don’t eat?” He was clearing his throat and asking you in a low tone, leaning forward slightly to ensure that you could hear him.

You were shaking your head softly and then shrugging, almost becoming awkward enough to regret coming. “Foods no good here anyway.”

He watched you for a few seconds and you were curious what he was thinking, if he was making similar observations as you. You were suddenly reminded you couldn’t wear your bunny hat to school and it might be the first time he’s seen you without it, seen how dark your under eyes are and how dry and chapped your lips become this time of year.

You didn’t like that you thought about this, didn’t like that you cared about what he was thinking about your appearance.

“We could go get some food after school.” He was suggesting it with a shrug but his eyes were watching you intensely with a hint of hesitance, almost like he was expecting you to say no.

You felt like your breath caught for a few seconds, holding tightly in your chest and you hoped your eyes didn’t widen too much at his suggestion. He was still watching you but his eyes softened slightly at your surprised expression, amused that you seemed just as nervous as he was about this change of pacing.

“Are you paying?” You were eventually wheezing out after a few seconds, letting the words tumble out at the same time your big gulp of air did.

His smile was familiar, the same one he gave you when he caught you staring at him in the park for a sketch reference, the same one he would offer everytime you’d skip onto the bus and grin once you caught sight of him saving your seat. You thought it looked even better in the sunlight.

——

You tried not to think about how weird it was that you and Heeseung left school together, side by side and bumping into each other while navigating the hoard of students all trying to squeeze out of the doors to escape the building.

You wondered if anybody else thought it was weird, if anyone paid enough attention to you in recent years to wonder who the tall boy next to you was. The boy who was currently snaking a hand down to your side like he had at the bus, gently guiding you through a gap in the crowd so you could get outside faster than it would be to stand and wait.

Your face was flushing bright red but he luckily seemed to focused on getting out of the mass of people to realize, eyebrows furrowed in a stressed out expression.

He didn’t remove his hand even after you’d gotten out of the tight pile of bodies, keeping it there comfortably but you knew by the heavy silence that you both were aware it wasn’t anything normal for him to do. You almost couldn’t tell, almost convinced yourself this was his typical behavior and you’d somehow just not realized it, but when you caught his eye and he quickly looked away with a small pink to his cheeks you knew it wasn’t.

Little things were different during daytime hours but not enough to make your head completely spin, giving you that familiar overwhelmed feeling that left you taking deep breaths in the bathroom stall.

The bus was actually full of people for once, only one seat left in the middle of the aisle and Heeseung hurriedly sat you down on it before it was taken. He was standing above you holding onto the pole near the top of the ceiling and you would’ve felt bad he had to do that so you could sit if it wasn’t for the small glances and grins he was sending down your way every time he caught you staring.

When you reached further into the city, somewhere you didn’t fully recognize but he must’ve considering the was leaning forward towards you and tugging on the stop rope, you both thanked the driver and left the bus.

You tried not to be disappointed when he didn’t hold onto you again, silently cursing yourself for feeling that way anyways and pushing it down. You took your backpack off your shoulders as you walked and held it in front of you, fishing for something inside with an annoyed sigh after a few seconds passed without feeling it.

Eventually the familiar fabric was grazing your fingers and you smiled softly as you pulled out your hat and situated it over your head again, pulling a few pieces of hair out in the front and glancing over at Heeseung who had been watching you.

“Woah Y/N, when’d you get here?” He was mock gasping, a hand coming up to cover his mouth and stumble back on the sidewalk like you had surprised him.

You grumbled at his antics and elbowed him in the side, trying to pretend your heart didn’t pick up in pace when he laughed loudly at your reaction and grabbed onto your jacket so he didn’t go tumbling into the street from your small shove. He didn’t let go for a few seconds even after he was steadied, rubbing the materiel between his fingers before dropping it.

You wondered if he was always this touchy with people or if he had just grown comfortable with you fast considering the strange and slightly intimidate circumstances you’d been hanging out under.

He was walking side by side with you but you were following his lead, still not exactly sure where he was bringing you to. You fell back into a comfortable silence like you always did as you traversed the city and you felt a little bit dizzy due to exhaustion and the bright glare of the sun.

It only worsened when you were rounding a corner, passing by a large building that was originally blocking your view of the next street over, and you caught sight of a familiar back that caused you to freeze in your tracks.

Heeseung took a few steps forward before realizing you weren’t continuing and he turned back to look at you with a concerned expression, approaching you again and standing in front of you. His large frame was blocking your view now but you slowly leaned over to look past him and immediately shot back to hide behind his chest and wince.

“What’s wrong?” He was rushing out and his eyebrows were furrowed with worry, a hand coming up but stopping just short of your arm like he wasn’t sure he was supposed to touch you.

“I-I have to go.” You were rushing out and you felt embarrassed underneath your panic, hands shaking slightly and you swallowed harshly.

He was frowning and turning his body to look behind him and try to see whatever had spooked you, immediately whipping back around due to the fact him moving had allowed you to see the man again, this time facing your direction with a suspicious look on his face. You imagined it was due to the fact Heeseung was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk but your heart started to race so hard it was painful at the chance he had seen you.

“Who is that?” Heeseung was, thankfully, getting the idea slowly and lowering his face as he spoke to you. You didn’t answer immediately and he was bending down so he was closer to your face, his hand finally connecting to your arm and cupping the back of your elbow. “Y/N, who is that?”

“It’s my dad.” You whispered back in a harsh tone and you’re not sure why you said it, never talking about family or each others parents before and never planning to.

Heeseung paused for a second and then his eyes were darkening like he had figured something else out, you felt humiliated knowing he must be piecing together every strange reaction you’ve ever had to the suggestion of being brought home by Jake or for him to walk you to your door.

He was glancing behind him again and a small noise of protest slipped out of your mouth, your hands coming up to land on his chest and scrunch his hoodies fabric up in your hands. He was looking back at you quickly and his eyes softened at the scared expression on your face but could still see anger swimming in his.

You weren’t sure if Heeseung was a violent person, thinking there was no way it was possible for the boy who was as sweet to you as he was unprompted, to ever willingly harm somebody but you’d also never given him any reason to be mean or treat you poorly. You thought about his bandaged hands for a second and then immediately felt guilty for doing so.

“Let me take you home.” He was saying after a few seconds and you shook your head, too overwhelmed to think clearly for a second. “Baby, let me take you home.”

The pet name snapped you out of it and you looked up at him, feeling more and more humiliated by the second at the fact your eyes were watering and you were still anxiously bunching his hoodie in your hands.

“T-the bus is too slow, he’s just now leaving the liquor store but he has a car and by the time we walk back and get on and it makes all the stops it’ll be too late and-“ You were speaking a mile a minute and you felt his hand squeeze your arm before he cut you off.

“I’m parked around the corner.” He rushed out in an attempt to stop you so you could take a breath, freezing and furrowing your eyebrows in confusion when you registered what he was saying. He winced slightly at your reaction and a weird feeling passed through your chest. You were raising your hands off of his chest before slamming them back down against him in annoyance, ignoring the small pained sound he made.

“You idiot.” You spat out at him in a harsh whisper, shaking your head and glaring up at his guilty face. “You’ve had a car this entire time?”

He looked sheepish and you suddenly felt very stupid for somehow missing this, and then slightly flattered and embarrassed that he had been riding the bus with you every single day despite being parked in the opposite direction. It made sense now to you why he was sometimes hesitant to board, unlocking the knowledge that he had been riding it all the way back alone after you’d gotten off.

“Not the entire time.” He was trying to explain himself but you could tell he was lying slightly. “It was in the shop the first time we met, that’s why Jake drove me home.”

You sighed and glared at him again but you weren’t actually mad, just slightly upset that he had been inconveniencing himself this much for some reason you didn’t quite understand.

“I just wanted an excuse to spend more time with you.” He was offering an explanation before you even had a chance to ask him and your expression softened at the reasoning, hands flatting out against him in a silent apology for hitting him.

“You’re still an idiot.” You were mumbling but your voice held no malice and he smiled at the fact he was clearly forgiven. Things felt tensioned again now that the conversation died down and you were both suddenly reminded of the fact you were touching each other and standing nearly toe to toe. “I really do have to go.”

“And I really will take you.” He was whispering back with a stressed sincerity and you frowned from the guilt of both making him drive you and not eating together like you had planned.

Heeseung was guiding you back around the buildings corner slowly, backing you up and shuffling forward with you so you didn’t need to step out from behind his chest and risk being seen. You were pouting as you awkwardly walked backwards and it remained on your face even when you were able to face forward like normal and follow him to where he had parked his car.

His car looked pretty much exactly how you figured it would, low to the ground and chipping paint in different sections of it but it was very him and you laughed softly when you remembered how ridiculous it was that he’d had one this entire time.

He seemed embarrassed when you got into the passenger seat, looking into the backseat to check if it was messy and rearranging the different CD’s that were sitting on top of his center console. You moved them over to your lap and started to mess with them while he pulled off the curb.

“Basement, Title Fight,” You were humming softly while flipping through them and reading out the artist titles, ignoring the way he was sending you nervous side glances between looking at the road. “Elliot Smith.. is this what you’re always playing in your headphones?”

“Too cliche?” He was retorting back and you scrunched your nose when you looked up at his side profile, a small smirk playing on his lips at your amusement.

“The fact you even keep CD’s still is kind of cliche.” You were throwing back to him and he glanced at you to smile fully and shake his head, watching the way you were leaned against his car door and casually looking through his stuff for a second before going back to focusing on the road.

“You still like me even though I listen to scratched CD’s and drive a 2002 shit bucket?” He was responding and you both paused.

His wording didn’t miss you but you weren’t sure if it was intentional or not, also unable to tell if he was speaking in a platonic way or if he was genuinely asking you if you liked him romantically. His mouth was parting like he was trying to think of a way to backtrack and you cleared your throat before he could, leaning forward to push a CD into the radios slot.

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds and you let the song play for a beat or two before you were leaning back into his torn leather seats and glancing at him again.

“Yeah.. I still like you.” Your voice was lower than it was before, barely filtering over the sound of the music building up but you knew he managed to catch it considering the way he was biting the inside of his cheek and avoiding looking in your direction for the rest of the ride.

He didn’t need to ask you for the way to your neighborhood considering he’s been riding past it 4 times a day but he glanced at you for help when you entered the street and you leaned forward to point towards your house. Your dads car wasn’t in the driveway and you breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled up near the curb.

You didn’t think too much about the state of disarray your home was in this time, for some reason not minding if he saw how messed up things were for you. The feeling had settled into your stomach that he wouldn’t care, that he wasn’t going to give you a sorry look or treat you differently.

He was surprising you by opening his door before you’d gotten out and you watched him round the hood with confusion, flushing when he came over to your side to open yours for you and hold it while you scrambled out. You leaned against the door once he had closed it behind you and he stood in front of you like he had on the sidewalk, his dirty sneakers pressing against the toe of yours.

“So…” You were dragging out the word and trailing off nervously, looking up at him through your eyelashes and thinking about how cute he looked peering down at you.

“So.” His lips were curling up in a smirk at your lack of words and you frowned at the expression, reaching up to pinch at his arm and keep it there when he let out a low chuckle. His hand was coming up to touch your bunny hat and you laughed softly at the way he pushed it behind your shoulder, almost like it was a piece of your hair.

“We shouldn’t be talking here.” You told him in a low voice, not wanting to speak any louder considering how close his face was getting to yours. “My dad would kill me if he saw you.”

“Right.” He was nodding but he wasn’t taking a step back or making any move that indicated he was going to leave, just watching you and you could feel his arm tense underneath your touch. “Do you want me to go?”

You were shaking your head swiftly although you knew he needed to, you liked his company and you found yourself missing him every time you were away for too long. You somehow managed to have fun today despite the fact you’d almost had a panic attack upon seeing your dad and how awkward it had felt to search for him in the school.

“I should go.” He was sighing even though you had said you didn’t want him to, thinking logically despite obviously also not wanting to leave. He was leaning forward again and for a second you could feel his chest pushed up against yours before he swayed back like he hadn’t done it.

Your heart felt heavy at the fact he was going to leave you there, in such a rotten place that left you restless and miserable, but you were slightly humiliated by the large frown on your face. Before you could think about it, in an attempt to hide your expression, you were pulling him forward by his hoodie sleeve and wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.

He hesitated for a few seconds, just from the surprise of the contact, and then he was slowly wrapping his long arms completely around you and keeping you pulled tightly to his chest. You could feel him take a deep breath, surrounded by his warmth and burying your face into the soft fabric of his oversized hoodie, listening to his heart beat increase slightly when you squeezed him for a second.

You were pulling back after a few seconds, leaning into the car again and you knew your face must’ve been flushed red with a dazed look in your eyes considering the way he faltered and smiled sheepishly at you.

“Well.. I have to go.” You were rushing out to him and he nodded, taking a step back so you were able to walk away without having to push past his large frame.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” His voice was lower than normal and carrying a slight rasp that made something flip around in your gut, trying not to look at him as you quickly waved and scurried away up your front path and into the doorway.

You stood there, back pressed against your front door now that it was closed, and took deep breaths to try and calm yourself down as you listened to his car pull off. A smile was building itself up on your face despite being slightly embarrassed over your bold move and you felt like a cloud of giddiness was following you around.

“So that’s what you sneak off to do every night?” Your entire body froze up in shock and you immediately stopped in place, bones going rigid and blood running cold at the sound of your fathers slurred voice coming from the living room.

Any sense or happiness or calm Heeseung had brought you was immediately disappearing and replaced with terror at the realization he was home, and had clearly seen you through the window before you came inside. You were stuck in silence and you could feel the dark tension radiating off of him although you couldn’t even see him yet.

“You’re out there embarrassing me, making a mess of our name.” He was hissing and you watched him rise from his arm chair and come out of the shadows like a fairytale monster, cowering in on yourself like you were a little girl again. “Whoring around with that delinquent.”

“N-no dad, I promise it isn’t like that I just-“ He was cutting you and your stutters off, slamming his hand down against the wall near your head and you closed your eyes in a wince, listening to the way the framed photos rattled on the wall.

A few seconds passed and you were holding your breath, waiting for him to continue to insult you and tell you what you had done wrong but when the tension continued to grow you realized he was more angry than you thought. You felt your hands hit the floor before you felt the pain in your cheek, not even realizing he had hit you for a few seconds because of the shock.

He’d hit you before but it was rare in recent years, not wanting to risk you showing up to school with a black eye or bruised cheek.

Your hand was coming up to cup the side of your face, shaking against your skin and feeling how hot and swollen it already was from his large calloused palm. You didn’t want to look at him and see his sneering face, instead staring forward at the way your bunny hat had flown off on impact and landed a few feet away on the floor.

“No more going out at night.” He was spitting the words down at you, curled into a ball against the wall on the floor and willingly away the pain under your palm. “I’ll put a padlock on your door if I have to.”

With that, he was staggering back into the darkness of the living room and you could hear the groan of the armchair under his weight. You sat there for a few more seconds, frozen and making sure it was clear for you to move before you were scurrying up the stairs and grabbing your hat as you passed by.

When you got to your room you threw it into the corner and collapsed onto your bed in a fit of sobs, burying your face deep into your pillow and crying so hard you thought you might just explode.

You felt even worse for the reason you were crying, not because you’d gotten caught or punished and not because your father was upset with you. You cried over the fear of not being able to see Heeseung anymore, the idea of never being able to safely return to the city at night causing you such distress you continued to sob until your throat was sore and your chest ached.

The sun was setting eventually and your room was darkening, never having the light switch turned on and just letting the night take over every single day, but you failed to notice considering how burrowed under the covers in your own misery you were.

You didn’t mean to care about somebody this deeply, having sworn against it after your mother passed and you were left with a shell of a man, your father becoming half the person he was with grief and never bothering to heal himself for your sake. You’d spent recent years tiptoeing around the house and trying to show as little evidence as possible that you existed, part of the reason he didn’t fully mind you disappearing at night or sleeping all day.

You felt stupid but getting caught with Heeseung after so narrowly escaping your father in the city, completely letting your guard down and being foolish because of your feelings.

But the other part of you didn’t care, you deserved to be giddy and act stupid because you liked somebody and his reaction wasn’t your fault.

Thinking of Heeseung made you remember he’d probably be waiting for you tonight and you started to cry harder again. You were worried he’d over think about your intimacy and small confession today and mistake you not showing up to the bus stop as you rejecting him, retreating back into yourself and leaving him alone like he had been before your night time meetings.

You must’ve dozed off from crying and the stress of the day, only waking up with dry skin and swollen eyes when you started to register a faint repeated noise.

You were sitting up with a puffy pout and looking around in a dazed confusion, at first because you couldn’t identify it and then even more so because you realized it was coming from your window. You staggered out of bed to open it and stop the noise and you let out a gasp, ducking and just barely missing being hit by a small stone that flew into your room.

“Fuck.” A voice down below was whispering and you glanced down to see Heeseung stood at the side of your house with his hoodie pulled up over his head. “Did I hit you? I’m sorry.”

You felt panic grow in your chest at the sight of him although you were happy to see that you had a chance to explain what had happened, glancing behind you in fear before turning again to glare at him from the second floor.

“You can’t be here.” You hissed out and he gave you a guilty look, like he knew you were going to say that but couldn’t help himself anyways. You let out a small sigh and you eyes softened at his expression. “I told you he was going to kill me.”

You didn’t need to say it for him to understand that your dad must’ve been home and you saw his face darken again like it had earlier, feeling thankful that you were too high up and it was too dark for him to see the bruise that must have been forming on your face now.

“Is he awake?” He was whispering back after a few seconds and you paused at his unexpected question.

He didn’t say anything when you held up a finger to indicate you’d be back, tiptoeing back to the other side of your room and cracking open the door. You held your breath so you could hear every noise clearly and you waited until the sound of his snores filtered up the stairs to you, confirming he had drank himself unconscious again and was out for the night. You still didn’t want to risk sneaking out and having him wake up and you walked back to your window with a heavy heart.

“He’s out but-“ You were starting to explain you couldn’t come along when Heeseung was nodding and walking towards the front of your house, your eyebrows furrowing in confusion as you called his name softly. He turned back to look at you and you raised your hands in bewilderment. “What are you doing?”

“Let me in.” He whisper yelled back and gave you a look like it was an obvious thing for you to do, smiling slightly when your astonished face only deepened.

You were groaning when he disappeared around the side of the house and you left your room before you had a chance to think about it more, sneaking down the stairs as silently as possibly and trying not to let out a breath when you passed by the entrance to the living room.

It was strange to see Heeseung on your porch when you cracked open the front door, even stranger when he took a step inside your hallway and you took him in against the familiar setting. You hadn’t had somebody inside your house in years and you were thankful that he kept his gaze tightly on you and didn’t look around at the mess.

You brought a finger to your lips and indicated towards the living room where your dad was, a loud snore coming from him at that exact moment and causing you to jump where you stood. Heeseung was bringing a hand up to your arm in an attempt to calm you and he nodded in understanding that he needed to keep quiet.

When you took a step on the first stair you winced and glanced back at him, knowing his weight and tall frame would make it groan louder than normal.

Still, you took his hand in yours and let it hang behind you as you gently led him up the old wood and into the hallway that would lead to your bedroom. He still didn’t speak once you entered it and for a second you were worried he would ask you to turn the lights on, thankful when he finally took a deep breath and glanced around at your belongings.

“So this is where she returns to.” He was muttering under his breath and you felt a little embarrassed as he took in your room.

Not as embarrassed as you felt when he was looking back at you intensely, you figured he could see you better now that you were closer and illuminated by the moonlight shining in from your window but you knew you were correct when his eyes were hardening again suddenly. You winced slightly when his hands were coming up to cup your face, the right one just hovering and not connecting with the bruised and swollen skin.

“This was him?” He was whispering, his eyes filtering up to stare into yours and your stomach turned at how serious he sounded. You hadn’t seen him have this look in his eye before and it put you slightly on edge.

You were hesitantly nodding your head and you knew your eyes must have started watering judging by the fact his face softened and he gently caressed your uninjured cheek, shaking his head and bringing you over to sit down on your bed.

“I’m sorry.” He was whispering to you and leaning forward to connect your foreheads, watching you with a hurt look. It was reminiscent of the pitiful glance so many people have given you throughout your life but you knew it was different, he was different.

“It’s not your fault.” You were telling him and you truly meant it, your hand coming up to rest on his wrist and squeeze it softly.

“It is though. I should’ve dropped you off up the street where the bus stops, it was stupid.” He was muttering and you wanted to remind him that you’d pointed out your house and you’d been the one to tell him to stay, but you weren’t sure it was going to make much of a difference.

You thought about the fact he was inside of your house right now, only a few hours after you’d gotten punished for even being seen with him and you snorted a teary laugh at the irony of calling such a small act, such as earlier stupid.

“You make me stupid.” You were telling him and he smiled softly at your joking tone, knowing that you were completely serious.

“You scared me when you didn’t show up.” He was saying back and his tone was serious again, brushing back your hair that was normally hidden under your knitted hat. “I was about to tear the city apart looking for you before I thought about coming here first.”

You laughed slightly at the idea of somebody as kind as Heeseung raging through the city in search of you, pressing your head harder against his before leaning back a bit so you could take a deep breath and shake your head at him.

“You’re lucky I woke up before him.” Your tone was light and teasing but you both understood the heavy truth in the statement, his face dropping again.

He had failed to take you literally when you exclaimed about your father killing you but you didn’t blame him, not liking the guilt that coated his face again as he mirrored your deep breath.

“You couldn’t have known.” You were telling him in a gentle voice but he was still not looking at you, only picking up his head when your hand was brushing through his bangs. “Heeseung, it’s not your fault.”

He was nodding softly and chewing on his lip but you had a feeling he was only agreeing to make you feel better, still having that dark guilty look on his face. You sighed softly and glanced behind you at your small bed, scooting back a few inches before looking at him again.

He was giving you a soft and tired smile, clearly understanding what you were insinuating and you tried to not throw up from nerves when you were both moving around so you could lay down on your bed together. You’d been experiencing the most intimacy you’d had since you were a kid with him and your stomach was tight with anxiety.

Heeseung didn’t seem to think much of it, flopping back against your pillows and sucking in a deep relieved sigh. His one knee was bent upwards towards your ceiling and his left arm was sprawled across the rest of the bed, leaving you no choice but to lay on top of it. He was pulling you forward slightly by your shoulders so you could rest your head on his chest and you were slightly relieved to hear how fast it was beating, despite his calm demeanor.

“How’d we get here.” You were whispering after a bit of silence and you could feel his laughter before you heard it, his warm chest rumbling slightly with the sound

“I thought you looked cute standing up to two drunk assholes.” He mumbled back and you pinched his side slightly, draping your arm across his stomach. “You should’ve seen Jake’s face when I asked about you the next morning.”

“Probably the same expression he had when I ran into the store four hours early.” You felt embarrassed to be admitting it but you liked the way it made him laugh again, gently rubbing your shoulder over the shared fact you both had been interested in each other from the start.

You fell into silence again and after a moment you picked your head up again to look at him closer, still pressed against his side but rolling onto your stomach slightly so you could study his face. He was watching you with a curious expression and your hand come up to brush his bangs back, revealing his eyebrow piercing to you again.

He didn’t say anything when you pressed against it, rolling one of the balls between your fingers for a few seconds before rubbing along his eyebrow bone until you hit the bump of metal, but his eyes darkened slightly at your fascination and you faintly felt his hand slip down to your side and squeeze it.

“He called you a delinquent.” You were whispering to him with a small smirk, raising an eyebrow as you recounted what your father had said about him. “He’d probably lose his mind if he came in here right now.”

Heeseung didn’t seem to share your amusement about the subject considering how hard his face was as you talked about it, only his eyes staying soft as he looked over your features from such a close distance.

“I’d kill him.” He was mumbling back and you snickered for a second before realizing he wasn’t laughing, his face serious as he watched you for your reaction to what he was saying. You frowned slightly and laid your hands down on his chest, rubbing it for a second before shaking your head.

“Don’t say that.” You were muttering under your breath, following it with an awkward laugh at the sudden tension in the air.

“I’m serious.” He was saying back immediately and you looked back up at his eyes, frowning deeper since you knew he was telling the truth. A part of you felt strangely prideful about it, your stomach lighting up at the fact he was so protective over you and willingly to interfere if your father busted through the door.

The other part of you was slightly concerned with his sudden demeanor, only catching glimpses of it before and brushing it off considering how gentle and lighthearted he always was with you. You wondered if it was a good time to ask him about the bandages around his hands but you decided against it.

“Then what?” You surprised yourself by humoring his hypothetical situation for a second, watching the way his eyebrows jumped in surprise. “What happens after?”

“You can come with me.” He was saying it swiftly like it was something he’d considered before, eyes remaining serious despite the fact he was noticeably being more careful with his words.

You hummed softly at him, your hand moving from his chest to trail up his neck for a second before coming back to rest again. You didn’t think anything of the movement, just absentmindedly touching him and being fascinated by the feeling of somebody else’s skin other than yours, but you could tell by the way his eyes darkened that you had caught his attention.

“Would you come with me?” He was asking in a low voice, eyes tired and lazy as he peered down at you but very much focused in on your expression as he waited for your response.

You were watching him in return and you were sure he could feel your heart beating against his arm, rolling back around so you were laying on your side again and cuddled up against his side instead of laying on your stomach and directly facing him. You knew your face must’ve been flushed by now and it continued to redden as you thought of a response.

“Of course I would.” You mumbled back and it slightly scared you how much you found yourself meaning the words.

Now it was his turn to him, low and rumbling in his chest against the side of your face. You scooted closer to him instinctively and you felt his hand gently squeeze against your side when he realized you were moving again, your shirt riding up slightly as you shifted so now his skin was pressed against yours.

You were glancing up at him at the feeling of him touching you and you awkwardly looked away when you realized he was already staring, a hazy look in his dark eyes. Heeseung’s demeanor felt different tonight, or maybe it was just the intimate setting.

“C’mere.” He was rasping out the word and the syllables were slurring together, your heartbeat so heavy and loud that you almost didn’t hear him for a few seconds. You scooted up further on his chest so you could look at him, your upper half lifted slightly so your face was hovering over his and he could bring a hand up to cup your uninjured cheek again.

“We can run away together.” He was muttering now that you were close to each others faces again, his big hand nearly covering the entire side of yours and you smiled softly at his statement. He looked slightly serious still but you saw the corner of his lip quirk up and you ducked your head in embarrassment. “I’d take care of you.”

“Oh, would you now?” Your voice was teasing and you raised your eyebrows at him, biting your lip to try and stop the big smile on your face from spreading. You let your arms shift forward again to rest on his chest and you could feel his collarbones under your palm.

He was nodding but not speaking again, watching you intensely and you felt your smile drop slightly at the look on his face. You’d been with a boy before, not all the way and nothing serious but you wouldn’t consider yourself necessarily unexperienced. Still, you’d never felt so tensioned and attracted to somebody before like you did with Heeseung and he hadn’t even tried to kiss you before.

His demeanor, confident but not ever cocky and sometimes sheepish like he acted on impulse, was the most attractive part of him to you and being in such close proximity didn’t help.

“Could you take care of me now?” You weren’t sure what pushed you to whisper the words out to him, hesitant and slow but being said nonetheless and you watch his eyes flash with something unfamiliar for a moment.

Then Heeseung was leaning forward off your pillows, his hand that was cupping your face being used to bring you forward so you could meet him halfway into a slow kiss that sent a shiver down your spine. You could feel his heart beating underneath your chest as you scooted forward more to completely lay on top of him and kiss him deeper.

You were overwhelmed by how perfect it felt to be kissing him, how warm and familiar the feeling of him underneath you was and you sucked in a small breath when he pulled back for a second before surging forward again to kiss him more.

If he was surprised by this he didn’t show it, his hand pushing up more so your shirt would ride up on your stomach and he could feel more of your side under his hand. You knew he felt the shiver wrack through you, the goosebumps on your skin at the feeling of the callousness of his and he chuckled softly into the kiss that was getting heavier with every passing second.

You could feel Heeseung biting down on your lip, almost painfully, and you were reminded of that dark expression he sometimes got. He was immediately licking over the skin he had bitten, soothing it out with his tongue and you made an embarrassing noise when he was suddenly slipping it into your mouth.

“Calm down.” He was pulling back a few centimeters to whisper to you, his voice breathy and carrying a small chuckle as he teased you for your reaction.

“I can’t.” You responded honestly, shaking your head softly and leaning in again to peck his lips quickly. Kissing him was addicting and you felt like your head was spinning from the way he was gently rubbing up and down your side so slowly.

He was laughing loudly at your response and your heart clenched affectionately at the sound, immediately followed by the reminder he wasn’t supposed to be here. You glanced over at your door nervously and when you looked back at him again he was frowning and following your line of vision, seemingly also snapping back to reality.

“I should probably go.” He was muttering and your stomach dropped painfully although you knew he was right, it wasn’t smart to get in trouble more.

“I won’t be able to come out at night for awhile.” You were telling him and your voice sounded saddened and panicked, bunching up his hoodie in your fist again like you had earlier when your anxiety picked up.

“Doesn’t matter.” He was shaking his head and petting your hair softly, raising his eyebrows to really exaggerate the fact that he meant what he was saying. “Find me at school tomorrow and we can figure something out okay? He can’t stop me from seeing you.”

You watched him in silence for a few seconds before you were leaning in to kiss him harshly again, completely drinking him in and savoring the feeling of him pressed against you in case it was the last time you got to have him like this. His hands were sliding back into your hair, keeping you tight into the kiss and moving against you just as desperately.

You felt overwhelmed at his sincere words, never having somebody so adamant on being around you, being so protective over you that he was willingly to risk his own safety just to have a conversation with you.

“You’re crazy.” You were gasping out when you pulled back for air, laughing at the way he was pressing more swift kisses against your lips as you tried to talk.

“You make me crazy.” He was slightly altering and repeating the phrase you had said to him earlier, a smile coming back onto his face now that you clearly felt better about the situation.

It took you a while to get off of him, even longer for you to actually leave your room considering the way he kept shaking his hands around your waist to pull you back in to kiss again. At one point he had you pressed against your bedroom door and you tried not to think how tensioned it felt to kiss standing up like this, letting him lean you against the old wood and explore your mouth with a heavy sense of longing and desire.

You were eventually take control of the never ending situation and pushing him out of your door with a final kiss, watching him smile at you and walk slowly down your stairs. He had suggested you stay up in your room in case the door closing woke up your father and he came looking for you, better to find you upstairs versus suspiciously in the front hallway.

You followed Heeseung’s frame, craning your neck outside the window to be able to see parts of your front lawn, and watching as he tugged his hoodie back over his head and walked a few houses down to where he had parked his car.

He was looking back at your window before he got in and the two of you watched each other for a few beats before you were raising your hand in a shy wave, smiling at the way he returned it before getting inside his car and pulling off slowly.

——

You were getting stares as you rushed through the school halls, your peers not used to seeing you so alert at all throughout the day but especially so early in the morning. You’d only slept for an hour or two but you felt energized at the idea of seeing Heeseung again as you searched for him.

The search stopped short when you were suddenly smacking into somebody rounding the corner, clearly not expecting to encounter somebody moving at the speed you were.

You both flew back from the impact and you landed on your butt a bit away from the boy, glancing up swiftly to see it was somebody you recognized, a friend from middle school who had slowly stopped talking to you after your mother died.

“Shit, I’m sorry Sunoo.” You were stuttering slightly and you suddenly remembered that conversation didn’t come easily to you, forgetting this fact considering you only ever spoke to Heeseung. “I was just-“

“Looking for Lee Heeseung?” He was cutting you off and you paused in your explanation to stare at him, his tone more judging than you remember ever hearing it. “What are you doing hanging around with him Y/N?”

He was standing back to his full height and offering you a hand but after faltering for a few seconds you paused, scoffing under your breath and standing without taking it. Once you were off the ground you were glaring at him, not liking the heavy glance he was sending your way.

“What does it matter to you?” You normally wouldn’t be so confrontational but it upset you how concerned he seemed to be despite completely ditching you alongside the rest of your friend group while you were grieving.

He had no place to judge you or who you decided to hang out with, although it confused you how worried he seemed to be about Heeseung. You weren’t sure how he even knew about the boy considering you didn’t recall ever seeing him around school or your old friends before your run in at the convenience store.

“He’s dangerous Y/N.” He was spitting the words at you but you could tell you weren’t the reason for his anger, eyebrows furrowing slightly as he looked at you like he was confused if you truly didn’t understand the reason for his worry.

“What are you talking about?” You were looking at him in bewilderment and you felt your heart start to beat slightly at the fact he was clearly implying something had happened with the boy you’d spent so much time with recently. You were suddenly reminded that you didn’t know much about him, never talking about family life or what he did outside of being with you.

“Why don’t you ask him?” Sunoo was sighing and you were confused at his sudden dismissal until you realized his eyes were going past your shoulder now, turning your head and seeing the boy in question standing a few feet away and watching the two of you interact.

Heeseung didn’t look dangerous to you, especially in the way he was clutching the straps of his backpack and carrying a nervous expression. His eyes softened slightly when he saw you but he must’ve registered the worried look on your face because he was suddenly turning in place and going back down the hallway the way he came.

You sighed when he pushed out the side doors, turning back to glare at Sunoo quickly before hurriedly following after the tall boy and rushing back down past the lockers.

“Heeseung.” You were calling his name once you pushed through the double doors, the cold morning air hitting your face swiftly and you winced a bit. “Hee, stop.”

He paused at the sound of your voice and you saw him suck in a reluctant breath before he was turning around to face you. You caught up to him quickly and stopped a few inches in front of him, reaching up to grab his hoodie sleeve and trying not to be offended when he flinched away from your touch.

“What happened?” You were questioning him with slightly widened eyes, looking up at him and trying to read what his face was expressing. “Why are you running away from me?”

“What did he say to you?” His voice was hardened and he was staring daggers down at you, your face crumbling at the harsh expression that you’d never seen directed your way before.

“Nothing, he said nothing.” You were shaking your head quickly and he let out a disbelieving scoff, looking away from you and clenching his jaw in agitation. “Hee, I’m serious. He didn’t say anything, a bunch of none sense I didn’t even understand.”

He was glancing down at you again like he was trying to see if you were telling the truth or not, being met with your big wide eyes and sighing softly in guilt for being so quick to anger. His hand was coming up to touch your face and you leaned into it even though you were still feeling confused over what was happening.

You didn’t say anything when he was reaching down to grab your hand gently, leading you with him out towards the parking lot where you spotted his car parked near the back. You frowned softly behind his back but got into the passenger seat anyways and watched as he started it up but didn’t pull off.

The heat blaring created a small rattling noise and you could hear the song you’d put on before still playing faintly, flushing a bit at the realization he hadn’t changed the CD and was just letting it play on repeat.

“Are you scared of me?” He was suddenly asking and you glanced over at him from the passenger seat, seeing the way he was staring down at his hands as he picked at the skin around his fingers. His legs were spread so his knee was pressing against the middle console and you reached over to place your hand on it gently.

“Of course I’m not.” You were whispering back to him and shifting your body so you could completely face him, your eyes following along his side profile and frowning at how defeated he looked.

“Even if I told you I did something bad?” He was finally glancing at you and you felt sick at how vulnerable his eyes looked, shifting nervously over your face and you hoped your expression didn’t convey how nervous you suddenly felt. “That I hurt somebody really bad?”

You were watching him in silence and it felt like the air from the car got sucked out with his words, hinting towards something darker than you’d expected him to admit. You thought back to the expression he sometimes carried, the way he spoke about your father so casually and the worry on Sunoo’s face. You watched him while thinking of this and you thought about all the other things to.

How he was always so gentle and kind with you, warm and comforting and never doing anything to make you feel worried despite most your time with him being spent alone and late at night. You didn’t know every detail about his life but that didn’t make him seem dangerous to you, he felt familiar and safe and you instinctively squeezed his knee.

“Did they deserve it?” You were finally croaking out, settling on a response that you felt properly conveyed your stance on what he was saying.

You’d thought from the moment you met him that Heeseung was similar to you and you knew the reasons you couldn’t sleep, the demons that kept you up all night restless. You tried to imagine what his looked like and you figured if you were bigger and braver, maybe you’d tried to hurt yours back too.

He wasn’t saying anything for a few seconds, just looking at you like he hadn’t expected that response and you knew immediately it had been the right thing to say. His face was crumbling and he was biting his lip to stop it from trembling, ducking his head forward to nod as an answer to your question.

You were leaning forward over the middle console to pull him in for a hug, not caring about the way the plastic pressed into your stomach uncomfortably or the burn your arms felt from stretching so far to embrace him. He’d help you more than once, brought you back from a dangerous place and a low state of mind and your heart tugged at the sight of him showing that same vulnerability now.

“It’s not your fault.” You were whispering into his hoodie and his arms were snaking around your middle, a small surprised noise slipping from your mouth when he was tugging you over the console and situating you in his lap. He was burying his head deep into your neck and your hand was coming up to rest on the back of his head, his hoodie fabric under your palm.

You didn’t need to hear the full story, you didn’t need for him to painfully recount the details or what had happened for him to do something so drastic and you didn’t need to know who.

Him softly crying into your neck and clutching onto you like a scared child was all you needed to believe him, to understand that whatever rumor or perspective others such as Sunoo had, was wrong.

He was picking his head up to look at you and your heart broke at his red face, tears streaming down his cheeks and a frustration expression coating his features like he was mad at himself for showcasing how upset he was. He was suddenly pressed against you in a kiss and you hesitated for a second in surprise before kissing him back.

You were pushing his hoodie off his head so you could put your hands through his shaggy hair, pulling him tighter against you and feeling the way his wet face was pressing onto yours.

“You can’t leave me.” He was gasping into your mouth and his hands were shakily coming up to cup your face, tilting your head softly and humming into the kiss when you were licking into his mouth and leaning forward so his back was pressed against the car door.

Heeseung was moving a hand down towards your back and you could feel him continuously tugging you forward into him, your hip bone pressing against his stomach as you both found comfort in each others touch. You let him do this for a few seconds longer before you were pulling back a bit to address what he had said.

“I’m not going to leave.” You were gasping as you said it, still trying to catch your breath and he was shaking his head before tugging you forward again, a small noise slipping from your mouth at the feeling of him dragging you up further into his thigh.

“I’m serious.” He was still speaking into your mouth and you pulled back further to look at him, the dark expression back in his eyes now as he watched you. “I’d go crazy if you left.”

It slightly unsettled you how serious he sounded, how he really stressed the words like they were the most important in the world. His hands were still holding onto you tightly like he was terrified you’d slip away if he let up even a little bit and your eyes bounced around his face for a few seconds before you were nodding.

“We can be crazy together.”

“You can’t leave me.” He was gasping into your mouth and his hands were shakily coming up to cup your face, tilting your head softly and humming into the kiss when you were licking into his mouth and leaning forward so his back was pressed against the car door.

Heeseung was moving a hand down towards your back and you could feel him continuously tugging you forward into him, your hip bone pressing against his stomach as you both found comfort in each others touch. You let him do this for a few seconds longer before you were pulling back a bit to address what he had said.

“I’m not going to leave.” You were gasping as you said it, still trying to catch your breath and he was shaking his head before tugging you forward again, a small noise slipping from your mouth at the feeling of him dragging you up further into his thigh.

“I’m serious.” He was still speaking into your mouth and you pulled back further to look at him, the dark expression back in his eyes now as he watched you. “I’d go crazy if you left.”

It slightly unsettled you how serious he sounded, how he really stressed the words like they were the most important in the world. His hands were still holding onto you tightly like he was terrified you’d slip away if he let up even a little bit and your eyes bounced around his face for a few seconds before you were nodding.

“We can be crazy together.”

[luciddownloading]

Tarot Reading (Pick A Card): Messages From Your Inner Child 🧸

Hello and welcome to or welcome back for another Tarot reading. I felt very inspired to do this one today, possibly because of my own recent inner child work. It's pretty self-explanatory. We will first see what traits your inner child has; how you were as a child and how you still carry that around. Then, we'll see what messages your inner child has for you. Being in touch with the child within can make you more in touch with your emotions and needs, which can, therefore, bring you clarity on emotional problems or external conflicts you may be avoiding or struggling with.

I don't know what kind of messages will come out but I have a feeling that some of what I will be channeling will be on the heavier side. The inner child can, of course, carry so much of any trauma or abuse a person may have experienced growing up. So, keep that in mind.

And I am taking reversals again, btw. I just felt called to. So, see which image or images you feel most drawn to and then see what you need to know about or hear from your inner child. As always, use your intuition to know what resonates and if it's your pile or not. This reading may not be for everyone because of the messages being channeled.

PILE 1

PILE 2

PILE 3

PILE 4

PILE 1

YOUR INNER CHILD'S TRAITS

The Hermit (reversed)

Knight of Pentacles (reversed)

The Tower (reversed)

Ten of Cups (back of the deck)

Aw, Pile 1. I want to give the little version of you a hug. This is some really emotionally charged energy here. I feel like there are a lot of feelings about your childhood that you have yet to process. Maybe you're on the younger side still, like your early to mid 20's, and you haven't dealt with that yet. Or you could have just begun your healing journey or you're just about to. Either way, your inner child feels very, very close to your adult self, as if you are still that child that you were then. This could be in positive ways or in ways that held you back.

I definitely feel like you were very introverted or spent a lot of time alone. You might have been shamed a lot for that. Adults around you, in particular, could have thought your introversion was odd or tried to push you out of it. Not realizing that you can't really change that about a person! However, although there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, some of your behavior was a reaction to your environment. You often felt unsafe and judged and overwhelmed and you would totally retreat within your own little world in order to cope. You could play with your toys, read books or watch movies all day with little interaction with others.

You were constantly wishing you were somewhere else. You definitely could have hates your home life and even your hometown. You had a lot of fantasies about moving away or running away. You might have even tried to run away from home, when things got too crazy. But, I also feel like you were the rock in the family. You didn't need to be and shouldn't have been. You were just a kid. But, your home atmosphere was very turbulent and your family members could have been very unstable or thrived on drama. You might have felt like it was your role to be the sane one in the house or else everything would truly crumble. I can see you being a mini adult and being the one to listen or give advice or calm things down. If you had younger siblings, that's different. But, if you were doing this with older siblings or your parent(s), that could be a big source of trauma. Who was taking care of you?

You were either a huge overachiever or major underachiever in school, as a response to this parentified role. Either you felt like getting straight A's and being the model child was your key to survival and receiving love or you were so exhausted, neglected and even depressed at home that you couldn't be bothered with school. You might have even underperformed academically as your way of rebelling. People might not have understood the extent of your issues at home. One or both of your parents were all about appearances and making people think you had a perfect family.

I do think that you developed a deep-seated dream of the perfect family, as a child. You could have looked at your friends' families with envy or longing, wondering why couldn't have a family as nice or caring or stable as that. You might have even spent a lot of time at certain friends' homes, to the point where you became an honorary member of their family. It was a nice escape from your home. Again, I also think you became a major caregiver as a result of your upbringing. You were especially gentle with younger kids and very aware of how you treated them. You also couldn't wait to grow up and become a parent yourself. You could have personal placements in Scorpio or the Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) especially Virgo. Your Moon, in particular, may be in one of those signs. Your inner child is a real sweetheart and determined to give others the love that he/she/they didn't feel. That even extended to your relatives, even if they weren't always acting right. And this affected them very deeply. They may not have said so or treated you well but you were truly the warm, loving nucleus of your family. A light in the midst of the dark.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

The Empress

Three of Swords (reversed)

The Chariot

Judgement

The Fool (back of the deck)

Okay, this is interesting. So, what I said earlier about your healing journey just beginning could definitely apply to a lot of you. But, for a minority of you, this is describing the healing that you have already done and how far you have gotten. Either way, your inner child is coming through to say how absolutely proud they are of you! They are either proud because of all the progress you have made or the changes you are on track to make in order to heal.

You have or will become the kind of adult that your little self always needed. It is okay if you are crying right now because I am tearing up, too! Lol but you are fully capable of giving your inner child all the love and safety and support they were missing while growing up. You have spent so much of your life just giving, giving, giving that love away. That's what you learned to do. You learned to survive your daily life by giving love to people who couldn't receive it and/or couldn't give that love back. And that has carried over into your friendships and your love life. You are SUCH a loving person but you actually have a very hard time receiving love. This is why you are so drawn to unavailable people in love, for instance. It's what you know and because they can't truly be there for you, it keeps you feeling safe. That's a subconscious thing but attention is being drawn to this pattern (and many of you already know this).

You have had your heart broken very badly before in love because of this pattern. But, you know what? You refuse to give up on love or life. You refuse to shut your heart down. And if you're feeling tempted to harden or go cold, this is your warning to not give into that. That is not you! However, it is going to be important for you to incorporate a little bit more of your head. You lead with your heart and have a huge heart. Your heart chakra is one of your most powerful chakras. But, you will need to remember the power of discernment and boundaries. Don't just give your love to anyone! And align yourself with friends or love interests who can pour into you. It's not your duty or obligation to pour into them! Let yourself receive and attract good love.

I am getting that those of you who chose this pile have a very strong feminine energy (and, of course, you could identify with any gender). A message from your inner child is coming through about that. In some way, you weren't allowed to fully own your feminine energy as a child. Your family could have shamed or mocked you for it. You could have been pushed to be more masculine in a way that felt inauthentic to you. Something about a mother figure is also coming through. She could have been the main one shaming your femininity and possibly because of her struggles with her own. She could have been more on the controlling or suppressive side, not that nurturing or understanding.

However, you have the power to be a great mother figure to yourself. So much of your adult life will be about stepping into your Divine Feminine essence and healing the shaming you received for it as a child. And many of you will find other mother figures to connect to and feel truly nurtured by, whether it's surrogate mothers in the physical, feminine ancestors and spirit guides or even goddesses who have that motherly energy. Take what resonates.

All in all, your inner child either wants to prepare you for or congratulate you on creating a completely different life as an adult than the one given to you as a child. This could even mean cutting certain relatives off or your immediate family as a whole. Whatever feels right to you! You are in charge now. But, I can see you, throughout your healing, having huge and sudden realizations about your upbringing or your behavioral patterns as a result of your upbringing. These breakthroughs will lead to sweeping changes. But, also, don't push yourself too hard. A big part of your healing will depend on being gentle with yourself, especially since you didn't get that at home.

////////

PILE 2

YOUR INNER CHILD'S TRAITS

King of Pentacles

The Emperor (reversed)

Ten of Cups

Eight of Pentacles (back of the deck)

Pile 2, it seems like you grew up in a home/family that was very patriarchal. I am picking up a father figure with a very strong presence or personality. It could have been a grandfather, too. Maybe you were raised by your grandparents. I am also seeing a beard. Either your father or grandfather could have been known for their beard. But, whatever paternal figure you looked up to, I think they were very solid, consistent and grounded in an impressive way. They shaped a lot of your values, especially your work ethic.

Interestingly, I feel like there is the influence of two father figures here. It could even be a dad and a stepdad. Or two dads! Whatever the case. But, I feel like you were much closer to one than the other. For a lot of you, I do think this is the case of a grandpa that you were very connected to and a dad who you had a lot of issues with. Possibly the reverse! Take it how it resonates. Regardless, one of these father figures made you feel very restricted and invalidated and even controlled. He was very strict and rigid in ways that deeply impacted you.

It's also interesting because not a lot is coming through about you. I don't think, as a child, you were given much space to have an identity of your own. Some of you come from very big families or there was just a lot going on at home. You might have felt unseen and neglected. I think the financial part of your home life was fine. It was a case of emotional neglect. And you had a very deep need for your father's approval and recognition. It was something you just couldn't get but you tried your hardest (and that may still be continuing into adulthood).

The one way you were able to get attention was by achieving things. So, you put a lot of effort and energy into being the best. You also might have had a very competitive relationship with your siblings, for this reason. You could have birth chart placements in Aries or the Earth signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn. Your Moon could be in one of those signs, especially Aries or Capricorn. In many ways, you were a very masculine child. You may have been sporty and athletic, tomboyish, or just very assertive and direct. I do feel like your inner child has anger issues. Even though you could be sensible and level-headed, that inability to feel heard or validated could really, really frustrate you. But, that would just get you into trouble, especially with the aforementioned father figure. Maybe, at times, you would act out because that was a surefire way to get noticed by him.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

The Moon (reversed)

Page of Wands

Queen of Cups (reversed)

Five of Swords

Three of Cups (back of the deck)

Okay, I feel like the message here from your inner child is actually about your family. You have spent your life remaining oblivious to many of the dynamics in your family. If you do recognize some toxic patterns, you will just brush it off as not that big of a deal. But, you are underestimating the importance of these issues. They will catch up to you sooner or later. I am honestly feeling like your inner child is having a kind of That's So Raven vision of something bad happening soon. Except that's a sitcom and this won't be so funny. (You might actually have clairvoyance, too, and not realize it yet) But, you KNOW trouble is brewing. The tension keeps building on something and that'll keep happening until it boils over.

That sounds ominous, I know lol. This is not to scare you. If anything, it's to wake you up because you know what's going on and what's not right. You're just ignoring it. I hate to say it but certain family members might be hating behind your back or hoping you fail. That might not even be entirely conscious. But, when people are really struggling with their own insecurities, they take it out on people who are doing well. Are you embarking on some sort of project or new venture? If so, there are relatives who may be doubting you, criticizing you, even working against you.

There could be a betrayal from someone in your family that you don't see coming, even though anyone else could from a mile off. You just blind yourself, at times, and give them the benefit of the doubt too much. They want to keep you small. You are good at outdoing a lot of your competition, whether you realize it or not. But, you aren't given enough credit. It's that toxic thing that some people do of choosing to not praise you, even though you absolutely ATE without a crumb left on the plate, because praising you, in their mind, would make them smaller. But, that means that they were already small to begin with!

I am getting that this reversed Queen of Cups could be a draining mother figure in your family. If your father was emotionally unavailable, then she was emotionally exhausting. And an emotional vampire can feel very threatened by your success because that means they can't feed on your energy anymore. This could also be a sister, aunt, grandma or even a male relative with a lot of feminine energy. But, they can make you feel very manipulated. And, in the end, they could still love you. This could be so unconscious they don't even know they're doing it.

The little version of you is coming through to tell you to not be deceived by this kind of behavior. This relative may even try to talk you out of your dreams and goals or instill fear. For some of you, I feel like you are pursuing something very creative; a talent you have had since childhood but may not have fully maximized yet. For others, you are already doing it and it's about to take off. Whatever your abilities (and they don't necessarily have to be artistic), I think it's something this Queen of Cups may envy, especially if it's something they always wanted to do.

In terms of your hard father figure, there is a message here to stop trying to impress him. At what point do you decide that you're an adult who doesn't need their parent's approval to thrive? Your inner child is quite exhausted with jumping through those hoops. Just live your life! Liberate yourself. And that liberation may involve taking a break from your family or getting some distance, even if it's for a little while. Maybe longer! It will depend on the type of shit that goes down. I have the feeling that you grew up in a very "close-knit" family. But, close-knit in the sense of codependency and doing things together more so out of habit. If you are still living at home or in your hometown for whatever reason, now would be the time to go elsewhere. As I said, there's not a lot in this reading about your separate identity. I think you need to spend some more time totally on your own to figure out who you are as an individual.

/////////

PILE 3

Two of Pentacles

Five of Swords (reversed)

Eight of Wands (reversed)

King of Swords (reversed) (back of the deck)

Pile 3, I get the feeling that, wphile growing up, you might have taken on quite a bit just to make your family happy. Your inner child can be quite a people pleaser. I think you have always hated arguments and drama and conflict. So, you would do and say whatever was necessary to diffuse things or ease the tension. You might have personal placements, particularly the Moon, in Air: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius. You were a more laid-back child, agreeable and easy to get along with. But, you also struggled with intense inner conflict because you were so busy trying to alleviate any external conflicts and this had a way of eventually spilling out.

Your inner child is very fearful and anxious. I definitely get the vibe of "walking on eggshells". Again, you never wanted to do or say anything wrong. I think the consequences when you messed up could have been especially harsh or even cruel. So, this made you feel very self-conscious and insecure. Many of you could have had a father figure who was pretty much verbally abusive. His words could be extremely harsh and destructive and he might have given you his worst. The ways in which he tore you down may have stuck with you for life and you still haven't healed from it, in some way, is what I am getting.

Your inner child definitely needs a big hug! I don't feel like you got the emotional nourishment that you needed while growing up. That was kind of a foreign concept in your house. You were tended to on practical and intellectual levels. As a result, your inner child can be incredibly needy in ways you don't truly understand. Because of that insistence on the practical, you still focus heavily on the practical now, at the neglect of everything else. I am getting the message that if you are putting too much energy into work, it's because you have some sort of emotional problem you're not dealing with. I think you are simultaneously very close to your inner child but very detached from them. You have many emotional wounds that you feel like you can just ignore or suppress. But, it will come out, in some way or another.

I think that exploring and confronting your inner child can be very scary for you. You would rather not deal with those issues. But, you have to deal with them or else they will deal with you! You're also a little too comfortable in the old patterns of childhood. Not much has changed in terms of the dysfunctional way you deal with things. You get terribly afraid of disappointing people and causing conflict, which inevitably creates conflict. And you can be so, SO hard on yourself. You have a very mean inner dialogue that is just an echo of all the mean things your father figure planted in your head. It's really intense. Your inner child is just crying out for help and comfort because it's like they keep getting beat up again and again.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

King of Swords (reversed)

Seven of Cups (reversed)

Death (reversed)

The Magician (reversed)

Two of Wands (reversed)

Wow, well, this is really heavy. I don't know if you approached this reading expecting to hear what I am about to tell you . But, on some level, you know you need to hear it. First off, what is so striking is that the King of Swords in reverse immediately popped out again. You know that meme of Jasmine Masters, the drag queen, where she's like, "Well, just as I thought. Trash!" That's what just came to mind because I feel that way about this father figure represented by the reverse King of Swords. They are so mean and nasty and so miserable. Always has been and might always will be. Yes, I am dragging them lol. Maybe I should be impartial but fuck it. I feel like you need that because them showing up again here confirms how much they have wrecked your self-image and self-esteem since childhood. They made you believe that YOU are trash but you weren't the problem. They are still so deep in your head and under your skin and that's the first thing you need to heal.

You have spent your whole life afraid of turning into them, too, and you don't see how wonderful you actually are. We do NOT have to be our parents. We are not automatic clones of our parents. So many people just become a lot like their parents out of conditioning and an inability to shape their personalities in a different mold or break the cycle. Maybe you too have tendencies toward being harsh or cold but some of this is just a defense mechanism. You're not perfect but that doesn't make you the worst person alive. And that doesn't make you your father. Again, I really don't think you see how kind and lovely your heart really is because no one consistently made your little self feel good and lovable.

Another message I am getting is that I feel like you get sucked into super-dysfunctional situations that mirror your childhood issues. You might easily fall into either very toxic or very unfulfilling relationships. You felt trapped and mistreated as a child and you now fall into situations where you feel trapped and mistreated. Certain partners may even have made you feel like it's not possible to leave or survive without them. If you're in such a relationship now, PLEASE seek help and know that it is possible to get out. You also don't have to hide what you're going through out of shame.

Yeah, the relationship thing is a major message here. You can settle for terrible partners because you don't feel you deserve something better. You may feel like you have no other option. You can also just settle for being alone and pushing good things away because the prospect of losing something good is too scary for you. I feel like these are actually not messages from your inner child but real guidance from Spirit and your Guides. They want you to heed this advice so you can actually begin the process of healing and nurturing your inner child.

It feels like you have been extremely resistant to change, in the past, and developed a sort of learned helplessness. I think it's the vulnerability of your hurt inner child that wants someone else to gallop in and save you. But, no, you can save yourself. You can be your own hero. You can prove to yourself, your family, and anyone else that you are so, so much more than your trauma or all the horrible and inaccurate things you were told about yourself. But, you have choose that path of healing. You have to make the conscious effort. The reward of it all will be reconnecting with your child self and recognizing that they were and are so much more lovable and special than they were told they were.

/////////

PILE 4

YOUR INNER CHILD'S TRAITS

The Hierophant

Ace of Wands

Three of Swords (reversed)

King of Cups (back of the deck)

Pile 4, I definitely feel like your inner child is an old soul. You had a maturity and wisdom to you beyond your years as a kid. So much of that just had to do with the strength and frequency of your soul. You lived many, many lifetimes before you incarnated. You're a highly spiritual being and I really get the feeling that many of you were incarnated in order to heal some sort of generational trauma in your family. You have a very strong bond with at least one or two of your ancestors, who either passed on before you arrived or when you were very little, to the point where you may barely remember them. But, they serve as a Guide to you and they're actually hijacking the reading a bit just to tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

You were a very compassionate, very loving child. I actually wouldn't be surprised if you were also drawn to Pile 1 because this feels like an extension of that pile. You are a born empath and healer, a light-worker, but you, of course, didn't know that as a child. You just knew you felt everything deeply and cried when others were in pain, that you could feel the pain of the adults around you without them even telling you. And you didn't understand why you didn't quite feel like a child. There was a heaviness and seriousness to you, an intense emotional depth. Yes, you could still be silly and playful. But, you were like some ancient 2000 year old creature stuck in a child's body.

Yet, you were also very enthusiastic, passionate and spirited. You might have had a big personality that felt often stifled by the adults around you. I am sensing that many of you grew up in a very traditional or very conservative family that you just could not fit into. You could have been made to feel bad about your free spirit, your fiery side or colorful nature. For some of you, being so sensitive, this stifled you and made you turn inward. You could have experienced a personality shift where you became shy, quiet or reserved. However, you found your escape in creativity. You displayed a lot of creative talent, at an early age, and this became an outlet for all your self-expression and strong emotions.

Many of you could have had a very religious upbringing, too. While it may have been very restrictive, I feel like a lot of you enjoyed going to church and what not because of your high spiritual vibration. It wasn't about the religion itself but the communion with God/Spirit/Source. That created a very solid foundation of faith that you have carried with you throughout life, even if you left the church and moved away from religion, which a lot of you did. But, you remained connected to Source and developed a very powerful spiritual life as an adult.

Yeah, I do have a hard time exactly feeling like your inner child is a child. Of course, there can be trauma associated with that feeling. Maybe you did have to grow up too fast. But, people online nowadays think so much in terms of therapy language that some of them fail to realize that being an "old soul" or "miniature adult" is not entirely the result of trauma. That's also just who you naturally were as a kid. You could have birth chart placements - the Moon sign, in particular - in the sign of Taurus or the Water signs: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Your inner child is very perceptive and insightful. You saw the wounds in your family members, especially adults, and somehow "knew better", on an emotional level, than them.

Many of you had turbulent upbringings and suffered a lot of hurt yourself. A result of cycles being repeated. But, you never let it break you. I also think you were highly protected on a spiritual level. Very powerful Spirit Guides of yours acted as parental figures on the other side. They're the ones who raised you, emotionally and spiritually. There is a caring father figure in Spirit form who was especially present. It could have been your actual father who passed, a late grandfather or uncle, or even just a Spirit Guide who plays the role of father in your life. But, this is a masculine being who has always provided you with both strength and comfort, who has been there every time you shed tears. They love you so, so much and are so proud of how far you've come. Such a beautiful message! Again, that's a bit of a side note but they are very integral in the character, integrity, and depth you've developed since childhood because your 3d family could not give that to you.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

Queen of Swords (represented)

Ten of Pentacles

Four of Cups (reversed)

The Empress (reversed)

Two of Wands (back of the deck)

This is so interesting because every single pile has had major messages about a parental figure. But, this is about your inner child so that makes total sense. Your inner child is drawing attention to your mother figure here. She may not have been easy to deal with as a kid or even now as an adult. She could have controlling, abusive or narcissistic traits. And I don't easily throw the "narcissist" word around but that's what I am feeling called to say. You know if that resonates.

But, you are being asked to look at your mother's lineage and side of the family as a whole, which I feel is probably very female dominated. I think they were the source of a lot of your childhood trauma. Examine the family history and ask yourself how patterns have repeated or been passed down. Ask yourself how your mom was treated by her mom. Are there parallels? Can you see how that shaped her? And I think you're already good at processing those things but your inner child kind of wants you to not just see your mom as your mom. Really think about when she was just a child and how she probably felt the same way about her mom as you felt toward her. Whether or not you forgive is your choice. But, having more perspective on her could be healing.

Your inner child also wants you to examine your relationship with women, as a whole. Depending on your gender or sexual orientation, this could differ. But, I feel like you have recently been betrayed or heartbroken by a woman who you were very close to, either a good friend or a romantic partner. She could have displayed the same narcissistic or malignant traits as your mom or other women in your family. And that could be a haunting realization - that you are somehow attracted to that dynamic - but this recognition also leads to healing. If you're a woman, you also may have a horrible fear of becoming these women. But, no need to fear. You are the cycle breaker, honey! It ran through your family until it ran into you!

Regardless of your gender, I think you were meant to be a beautiful example of the Divine Feminine. But, you need to be aware of what kind of feminine energies you're drawing into your life. Whether male or female, you could really attract close connections with women who want to control you or make you feel small, who are jealous of your beauty or abundance or confidence. This is an echo of things with your mom and shows you where you need to heal that inner child wound. You are not doomed to be near feminine narcissists but these relationships need to serve as a lesson. So, you can avoid them in the further and attract truly supportive, genuine feminines into your life. You deserve to be your fullest self and not shrink for someone who supposedly loves you.

There is so much that you could have become, in a negative way, but you didn't! Your mother or that toxic feminine serve as a sort of inverse mirror image of you. Your Guides are congratulating you for not becoming that and moving down the right path. Also, a big part of your destiny will be having a family. I think the majority of you will want kids but, for a few of you, this could also mean fur-babies. I also feel compelled to say you're quite close to establishing that family of your own.

I am not saying you'll get married in a few months! But, I think a lot of you either will meet/reunite with the person you'll marry very soon (this year is what I am getting) or you are already with them. And this will lead to a family. Again, don't worry. You have already done all the healing work you have needed to do, including possibly cutting toxic relatives out. If this is your mom and you are struggling with that decision or missing her, it's okay to feel that way. But, you did the right thing! Think of how unhappy your life would be if you didn't make the decision to heal or distance yourself. You are setting yourself, your future spouse and future children up for the kind of fulfillment you didn't have.

/////////

Thanks for stopping by! You can check out my other readings and posts here:

MASTER LIST

[mxmmyprentiss]

I Miss You, I'm Sorry

Summary: Long story short, you survived without her. Her name had become a memory pushed and tucked away in the back of your mind. You locked it and threw away the key. You had stopped yourself from waiting for answers as to why she walked out on you or why she didn’t fight for you ages ago.

Well. Until now. Genre: Angst Pairing: Emily Prentiss x female reader Warnings: homophobia, parental abuse (?) Word count: 6.9k (I got carried away)

A/N: Hi, guys! I just made a new tumblr account and I'm new to Criminal Minds and I'm still actually just about to start season 4 lol but Emily Prentiss already got a chokehold on me and here I am. English is not my first language so any grammar/spelling/other writing mistakes, I apologize. I also have not written anything in a long, long time. Comments and criticisms are welcome.

(also emily's fbi timeline here might be a little confusing so idk lol)

AO3

Relationships don’t always work out. You have known that fact since you were seven years old as a result of your parents’ divorce. You still remember your mother saying, “Baby, sometimes love doesn’t last. Maybe it’s love for now but it won’t be love forever. Two people can grow apart even when they are together all the time. And that’s what happened with me and your dad. And honey, it’s not your fault, you understand?” And you still remember nodding as if you really understood what was happening.

But just like any other child who knew how it felt to be a product of a broken family, you still felt responsible about it. You could have done more, could have done something to prevent your family from falling apart, or at least could have done anything to stitch your family back together. But as you grow older, you learned that what if’s are only as good as heroin and cocaine combined together - it’s not. It’s lethal.

So even though your parents are still alive, you still considered them as the first ones you have lost. Accepting that has helped you cope with other things you have missed throughout your life..

Pen.

Hair ties.

Bus ticket.

Money.

Your first love.

The last one, unlike the others, was not forgotten, misplaced or stolen. The last one walked out of your life before you even had the chance to tell her you would move mountains and set the world on fire if she asked you to. What once were gentle, careful hands that held your heart are the same hands that crushed it into pieces and may have been impossible to glue it back together no matter how much you tried.

It’s fine though. It was a long time ago. You learned to live with it.

At least that’s what you told your therapist when she asked during one of your sessions.

“Come on, sugarplum.” Penelope Garcia, your roommate, tugged your arm. “It’s just drinks at the bar.”

“I’m already beat, Penny. I’ve had a long shift.”

“Exactly the reason why you need to get out and have fun, doctor. We were both so busy with work and never had fun anymore.”

“We have movie marathons sometimes.”

“Please,” Penelope scoffed. “You fall asleep in the first 30 minutes of every movie.”

You sighed. You didn’t defend yourself because it’s true. Lately, everything feels heavy. And you’re always exhausted to the point of passing out at any furniture you lay your head to.

“I’m sorry, Pen.”

Penelope cups your face and forces you to look at her. She has the most gentle, caring eyes when she wants it to be. Curious and determined, most of the time. “Hey, I’m not saying those aren’t fun, okay? I’m just saying maybe we need a change of environment. Get loose. Have a few drinks and maybe meet some people and dance. That’s all.”

“I don’t know these people,” you said defeatedly.

“And you don’t know your patients either but you’re forced to interact with them anyway.” Penelope squeezed your cheeks before letting go. “They’re my friends as much as you are mine, sweet cheeks. I’ll introduce you to them and who knows. You might end up liking them too.”

There’s no winning against your roommate. So you finally agreed and Penelope pranced to her room to change.

Since tonight seemed to be about changes, you decided to put on a skin tight knee-length blue dress that complimented your curves and skin along with a light denim blazer. You matched it with black printed flats and a purse Penelope gifted you last Christmas.

You and Penelope walked hand in hand to the bar. She told you briefly about everyone’s first names but you’re not sure if you will remember them all as you haven’t seen their faces just yet. Also, Penelope talks too fast when she’s excited and your brain just cannot process it as quickly knowing how tired you are.

You both stopped at the door, scanning the place and saw a booth on the far end of the bar. Penelope waved at the people on the table and everyone happily greeted Penelope. You felt a little at ease that they were all wearing casual clothes and looked a little less scary compared to what they actually do for a living.

“Everyone, this is my roommate, Y/N,” Penelope introduced you to the team. And pointing from left to right, she said, “This is Hotch, Derek, Reid and JJ.” They all waved at you. Reid stood up and shook your hand. He insisted you can call him Spencer and babbled something about an article he read the other day that he remembered because you’re wearing a blue dress. You stared at him, fascinated albeit confused. Derek chuckles and pulls Reid next to him.

“Hey, guys, here’s our dri-”

A pause. 

A stare.

Your heart skipped a beat. Or two. Or maybe it stopped for God knows how long.

One of the glasses of beer almost fell out of the raven-haired woman’s hands. Luckily, JJ caught it, looking back and forth between the two of you.

“Emily, you are an angel.” Penelope snatched three glasses out of her friend’s hand. “Y/N, this is Emily.”

It took you a second - or ten - before you reached out your hand for a handshake and forced a smile. “Nice to meet you. I’m Y/N.” Your jaw started to hurt at how tight you’re clenching them but you can’t help it.

She’s here.

Emily took your hand and for a brief second, you felt her squeeze it harder than you would normally do for a handshake. “Emily,” was all she said and sat to Penelope’s right.

Everyone grabbed their drinks. The music at the bar grew loud and they talked even louder to understand each other. Derek and Reid debated about something work-related that you didn’t understand but Derek rolling his eyes at Reid whenever he stated facts amused you. Meanwhile, Penelope showed something to JJ and Emily on her phone and you just hope it’s not something embarrassing because you caught the glance JJ shoots at you and she giggled.

“What are you showing them, Pen?” you asked curiously.

“Nothing,” she grinned. “I’m just showing them how pretty my best friend is.”

You squint, not believing a word she just said. Your hands were quick to snatch the phone from her hand. “Penelope Garcia!” Even with the dim lighting, your blush was evident. It’s a photo of you sleeping in your kitchen, hugging a stainless pot and holding a wooden spatula. You don’t remember that happening. “When was this and why are you keeping this picture?”

Penelope laughed. “You don’t remember so I’m not going to remind you.”

You immediately deleted it off her phone. “Now it’s gone.”

She raised her eyebrows and let out a chuckle, “You forget I work in tech?”

You mumbled a curse and rolled your eyes, accepting defeat.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. It’s cute.” JJ teased and you could only force a smile in embarrassment.

Out of nowhere, Penelope gulped down her entire drink and stood. “Come on, let’s get dancing! Let’s go! Let’s go!”

Everyone followed her. Even Hotch who seems to not like the idea but Derek practically pushed him to the dance floor.

Everyone except Emily.

Her.

And you.

You two were left at the booth, sitting across from each other. Emily was gripping her glass. Hard. You believed she might break it if she didn't relax.

You averted your eyes from Emily. It’s ridiculous to not find anything to stare at other than  Emily’s hands.

Emily’s beer. 

Emily’s hair. 

Emily’s clothes.

Emily’s necklace.

Why is this place full of her?

The place was full and crowded and the music was so loud but the silence between you two? That was louder. Deafening. Unsettling. Awkward.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Emily said, finally managing to look you in the eye again.

Your breath hitched once, twice, before answering, “You too.”

And you meant it. But you didn’t want to. 

Oh, but you did.

She chugged her beer and grimaces the second she does. “I … I didn’t know you and Penelope are friends.”

“I didn’t know you and Penelope are co-workers either.” You shrugged. “How long have you been with the FBI?”

“Seven years,” she answered.

Penelope called your name from the dance floor where she was dancing with Morgan. You only gave her a thumbs up to let her know you’re fine and will be staying at the booth.

“You’re staring,” you said and Emily quickly diverted her eyes from you. She decided the floor was a better view instead. You licked your lips to keep yourself from smiling. “It’s okay, you know.”

“What?”

“I said it’s okay.”

“What’s okay?”

“If you want to pretend like we don’t know each other.” But the agonizing tug in your chest claimed otherwise. “I mean, they’re your friends and Pen is your friend as much as she’s mine. She doesn’t have to know. She just brought me here tonight so we could have fun and meet you guys.”

To your surprise, Emily moved to sit next to you. Not really next to you but just close enough to smell her perfume. 

Velvety. 

Delicious. 

Familiar.

You inhaled deeply, composed yourself, and stole Penelope’s second beer.

“How have you been, Y/N?”

The shiver that ran down your spine shouldn’t be there when Emily said your name. It shouldn’t have affected you that much. Or at all. But it did. And you despised it.

“Since you left me? Great.” You laughed quietly, staring at the glass now half empty. “Really great. I … I’m well … a resident doctor …” You take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. I just …”

“You didn’t expect to see me, I get it.”

“Yeah.”

There’s the awkward silence again. If it doesn’t stop sooner, you think you might just bang your head against the table just to shift the mood.

“I tried to find you,” Emily spoke again. Her voice was low, you almost miss what she said. “I came back but you weren’t there anymore. Your mom said you already moved to LA with your dad and -”

“I don’t want to do this here, Emily. Please.” You just can’t. You might cause a scene if you keep this up. You’re still torn between crying hysterically or just downright screaming at her face.

But her face. Her stupid, fucking perfect face.

You looked away. You focused on the people dancing specifically at Penelope grinding against Reid who’s only swaying awkwardly. That’s better.

Emily scooted closer to you but not close enough to invade your personal space still. “Do you hate me?”

You wanted to be rude. Tell her what does it look like, bitch? But that’s just not you. You’re not a confrontational woman. You’re an honest woman. And to be honest, you’re feeling a lot.

Instead, you gulped a drink and stared at it for a while, leaving Emily staring at your hand, waiting for an answer that may never come.

It took a few minutes for you to gather the strength to look her in the eyes. Your eyes may have been teary, you’re not sure, but everything else looks blurry and you feel lightheaded. You’re not even drunk yet. You only had two beers, for fuck’s sake.

You missed those eyes. Emily’s kind, loving, gentle, ‘used to see right through you’ eyes.

“You left me,” was all that came out of your mouth.

Emily moved closer to your seat, dark eyes still locked on yours as if asking for permission. “I was scared. I was young, Y/N.”

You shook your head in disbelief. “And I wasn’t? Your mother literally hired a private investigator to threaten me so I would stay away from you! I was 17, Emily! 17!” You hissed. Emily tried to reach out for your hand but you got up quickly and ran to the dance floor, to your friend. 

You whispered to Penelope’s ear that you needed to leave immediately to cover an emergency shift at the hospital. She knew better than to argue with you and your work so she let you go and told you not to worry about the tab. She offered to call you an uber but you insisted on walking since the hospital is only a few blocks away.

“Y/N, wait!”

“Emily, not now!” Your strides were getting bigger and you wished you could just fly home instead and get there faster. She grabbed your arm, pulling you to the side. And although it’s already dark outside, Emily can’t miss the way your eyes glisten with tears, staining your cheeks. “Please, Emily, just please.” You didn’t know what you’re actually asking - begging - her. You weakly placed a hand to her stomach and pushed to keep a little distance between the both of you. 

Emily took your shivering hand and held it to her chest instead. Her hands were as soft as you remembered them to be. And you hated the fact that you still remember that after so many years. “Please, Y/N, let me just talk to you.”

“What’s there to talk about? We made it this far in life without each other.” You said bitterly.

“But we didn’t want to.” She sighed. “At least, not for me.”

You took a deep breath in. Emily wiped the tears with her thumbs. Then she cupped your face and you couldn’t help but to just feel her for a minute, face settling on her warm hands. You look at her, eyes pleading. “Em, please.” 

Emily shuddered at the nickname. You were - are - the only one who could make it sound so soft and loved; make it sound like home. After all this time.

“Emily?” You both looked at the sound of Penelope’s voice. You quickly retracted your hand from Emily’s. “Y/N? You’re still here?”

“I, uh, Emily here just brought me my purse because I forgot.” You lied. Emily swallowed whatever she was about to say. You turned to Emily. “Thanks. I have to go now.”

“Oh, okay.” 

You hailed a cab and got out as fast as you can, leaving Emily dumbfounded and Penelope confused as she was intrigued.

___

Emily rubbed her hands together and exhaled loudly. Penelope raised her eyebrow. “What did you do?” She asked.

“What? I didn’t do anything.”

“For an FBI agent, you’re a bad liar right now, honey.” She squinted and took a closer look at Emily’s eyes. Teary. “Were you two making out?”

Emily scoffed. “You’re drunk, Garcia.”

“And you’re hiding something, Prentiss.”

“I’m not!” Penelope continued to stare at her suspiciously, pressing the truth out of her. “Okay, I think you should talk to her first. I can’t be the one to tell you if she doesn’t want to.”

“Did you know Y/N before I brought her here? I saw that you two were surprised to see each other a while ago. There was something there. It doesn’t take a profiler to see it.”

Emily paced back and forth, biting her lip, arms crossed. She stopped herself from biting her nails, a habit she may have done when she’s anxious. Emily contemplated whether to tell Penelope everything or something or anything. “God, I think I need something stronger than the drinks in the bar.”

“I’m waiting here, pudding.”

“And I’m thinking here.” She kept her pace. Then stopped. Emily takes a deep breath. “Y/N is … well, she was … is … I think …” she rambled, hands in her pockets. Emily looked up to keep the tears pooling in her eyes from falling. “Garcia, she’s the love of my life.” She stated weakly.

Penelope gaped at Emily like a deer caught in headlights.

___

Penelope arrived home at around 2:30 in the morning. You heard the lock click and footsteps approaching your door. You quickly pulled the covers above your head and pretended to sleep soundly.

“Y/N?” It’s your roommate. She caressed your foot. “I just want to say I’m sorry for bringing you out there tonight. I … I didn’t know you and … her …” Penelope sighed sadly. “We can talk about it when you’re ready or whenever you want or not at all. It’s up to you really. I just want to say I’m sorry.” She gave a light pat to your leg. “Good night, sweetie.”

___

The next morning, you found Penelope sitting in the kitchen having coffee and talking to someone on her laptop. You didn’t interrupt her, suspecting she might be working from home.

You prepared coffee for yourself and sat on the opposite end of the table. You pretended to scroll on your phone … waiting …

“Morning, baby girl,” Penelope finally decided to break the silence.

“Morning, Pen.”

“So …” There it was. You have known her for a long time to know that nothing - not even the strongest of hangover -  is stronger than her inquisitiveness. “Want to talk about the elephant in the room?”

You took a deep breath.

“I’m not forcing you, Y/N. I’m just asking if you’re ready because if you’re not, it’s fi -”

“And let you die of curiosity?” You hid your smirk behind your mug. Penelope smiled widely. “Did she tell you about me?”

“Emily?” You roll your eyes as if to say who else? “We haven’t had the chance to talk about our personal lives before but last night, she told me two things actually.”

“Oh?”

“One, that it might be better if I get the dirt from you. And two …” Penelope pauses, grinning. Is she actually pausing for dramatic effect?

“Spit it out, Penny.”

“I’m not sure if you want to know.”

“Just say it.”

“That you were -” Your friend shook her head. “ ARE. You are the love of her life.”

Oh.

There it was again. That tug in your chest. Are you dying? Maybe. You needed to get this checked out one of these days at the hospital, you thought. You might need an ECG or probably a 2D echo.

“Is it true?” Penelope pushed. “How did you two know each other?”

You walked to the living room with your coffee and sat on the couch. Penelope follows you.

“That love of her life part, I’m not sure.” You took a sip of your coffee. Black and bitter. “We met in high school. She was my girlfriend.”

Penelope scooted closer. “What happened?”

“Well, long story short -”

“No, I want the long complete detailed version, love bug.” You rolled your eyes at her and she smacked your arm. “You’ve been holding out on me!”

“Hey! I didn’t know my ex is working with you, okay?”

“Still! Everything really does happen for a reason.” She smiled to herself.

You raised an eyebrow. “And what’s the reason for this then?”

“We’ll see,” Penelope smirked. “Now, go on with the story, girlfriend.”

“We met in high school. She was a transferee. I was, well, an introvert with no friends. She was the new girl. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this.” You see Penelope with a shit-eating grin, nodding her head. “It took a week before I could say a word to her.”

“Because you’re so gay and she’s a pretty girl?” Penelope grinned.

You glared at her. “Because I was an introvert.”

“Sure.”

“Anyway, she missed a class and asked if she wanted my notes and she said yes. We have been friends from then on.”

“Until…?”

“She was the first one to say ‘I love you’, you know?” Tears started pooling in your eyes. You immediately wiped it off with the end of your sweater before it even stained your cheeks. “We were in the locker room. Just the two of us after gym class. It was out of nowhere. We just finished showering -”

“Together?” Penelope gasped scandalously. You swatted her arm and she laughed. “I’m kidding.”

“Anyway, we just finished showering and she said she loved me. You have to understand that it was a time when you know … it’s not accepted nor tolerated to be … us.” Penelope took your hand and squeezed it. She could only sympathize, knowing how cruel and tough the world must be to not let people love who they love. “We hid it for a year, maybe two. I’m really not sure now, I think, but it was the longest time of my life. We were okay, great even. We had the most fun, enjoying each other’s company, sneaking around, going on dates. My mom met her. She liked her. Always asked about her when I get home.” You smile at the memory now but it quickly fades. “Until her mother found out about us.”

“Ambassador Prentiss? Oh, that evil -”

“Her mother sent a P.I. to threaten me so I would stay away from her daughter. I was 17 years old and scared, what else can I do?”

“Oh, honey,” Your friend pulled you into a hug. “I’m sorry the world has not been kind to you, sunshine.”

“Thanks, Penny.”

“You two broke up after that?”

You shook your head. “I was about to ask Emily what we should do. I was ready to run away, to hide, to go anywhere with her. I messaged her to meet me at the gym locker room after class the next day but she never showed up at the school at all.” Penelope noticed your trembling hands and gently caressed them. “I found out from the faculty that she moved overseas.”

“Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it’s hard for you, honey bun.”

“I just didn’t expect to see her last night … or ever. I stopped myself from looking for her again. Turns out, life has funny comebacks.” You chuckled bitterly. Penelope enveloped you in a tight hug until her phone rings. You giggle, “Work is calling you, badass computer nerd.”

___

When Penelope reached the BAU, Emily was the first one to spot her. She ran towards her, following Penelope to her office.

“Fabulous morning, person who hurt my roommate.” Penelope greeted without looking at Emily to which she replied with an eye roll. “Y/N told me everything.”

“Y/N told you everything about what?” Suddenly the two women stopped on their tracks and turned around. It’s JJ with take-out coffees in one hand and files on the other. “Come on, ladies. Share it with the team.”

“No!” They simultaneously yelled.

“Okay, chill.” JJ handed them each their coffees. “Share it with me. I’ll find out about it anyway.”

Penelope dragged the two women into her lair. Once locked inside, Penelope announced, “Y/N is your ex!”

“Garcia!” Emily hushed her.

JJ’s eyes were wide and almost spitted out her coffee. “I knew there was something!”

“What?” Emily looked genuinely confused.

“Emily, we’re profilers. We see everything.” JJ reminded her. “You were so awkward with her last night. I assume you guys haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“15 years.”

“And it’s still that awkward?” JJ scoffed unbelievably. “Must have been a bad break up.”

“Technically, they didn’t break up but Agent Prentiss here left my friend without saying goodbye.” Penelope squinted her eyes at Emily, arms folded and eyebrows raised.

Emily’s face was almost as red as her blouse now. “I didn’t … I didn’t want to.”

“Then why did you?”

“It’s com-”

A knock interrupted the ladies’ gossip session. “Ladies, Hotch wants us in the briefing room ASAP.” Morgan told them.

“Be right there!” JJ replied. “We’ll continue this later. Over drinks. Just the three of us. Ladies’ night.”

Emily saw no way out of this so she just nodded.

___

It was a terribly bad day at work. The ER was filled with too many people. Patients kept on coming without showing signs of slowing down. Every bed was occupied - some were already in the hallway in wheelchairs - and everyone had something to do. You have not had breakfast or lunch yet. Your cup of coffee left cold at the doctor’s quarters which you’re sure someone threw out already.

Sometimes you wonder why you chose this career instead of just pursuing your love for multimedia arts.

“Doc,” a senior nurse called you. “I have your patient’s labs and ECG right here.” She hands you the chart. “X-ray results are to follow. Let me know if you’ll be requesting more. Bed 5.”

“Okay.” You walked towards the bed, reviewing your patient's chart. Name … age …

Name?

Now the world was playing a prank on you.

“Emily Prentiss?” You call your patient’s name as soon as you draw the curtains. Emily looked up to you, lying on the bed, beaming too much for someone who’s injured. There’s a small stain of blood on her tank top. You felt something stuck in your throat as worry fills your thoughts yet you retain your poker face.

“Y/N?”

“Dr. Y/F/N, resident. I’m,” you cleared your throat. You put down the chart on the bedside table. “I’m here to examine you. Can you tell me what happened?”

Emily adjusted herself on the bed with a grimace. “I got shot. Almost. I was wearing a vest but I think it left a graze.” Emily lifted her top to show you. You don your gloves and inspect the wound closely, pressing softly at the area. You suspect she might have taken more than one close hit from the way the graze looked. Your eyes panned to her eyes staring at your hands.

“Did you get hit elsewhere, Agent?”

“No,” Emily shook her head. But your eyes found fresh bruises on both of her arms. “It’s fine, doesn’t hurt.”

“You’re always a tough cookie, agent?”

“I have to be.”

“Of course.” You assessed the rest of her body, especially her head for any bumps or cuts. Apart from the bullet graze on her chest and the bruises on her arms, you didn’t find anything else worthy of concern or emergency so far. “Do you feel anything else? Any pain?”

Emily had many answers to that but she bit her tongue. It’s not the time and place. She shook her head instead.

“Okay, I’ll get someone to clean and dress your wound. I’ll order an intravenous painkiller. It will take care of the first six hours, at least, but I’ll also prescribe you some oral painkillers and have your home care instructions ready. Do you have someone I can talk to?”

“I, uh, I think JJ is around somewhere. Or Reid.”

“Any relatives?”

“They’re all I have.” There was a small pause. “We take care of each other.”

“Yeah, of course. Part of the job.” You wrote your initial reports on her chart before leaving. “So, uh … I’ll call the nurse.” You turned around but Emily grabbed the end of your coat. “Anything else, Agent Prentiss?”

“Can you, if it’s not too much to ask, can you do the IV thing? I just …”

“You hate needles.” I know.

She nodded. “Please?”

Fuck. How can you say no when she’s looking at you with those eyes? Dark, pleading and consuming.

You can lie and tell her you have other patients to attend to but so far, no nurse had called you yet. You hear another resident had come in, too.

Emily’s eyes and hand were still on you.

“Okay,” you finally said. “I’ll be right back.”

Just your dumb, stupid luck.

___

Your shift ended at around 10pm but it’s almost midnight when you got out of the hospital. You already changed your top into a purple t-shirt. You carried your bags, coat hanging on your arm, as you walked to your car. You couldn’t wait to go home and wash off the busy day you had.

You stopped by to take out Chinese food for you and Penelope and a little extra to reheat tomorrow for breakfast.

You heard the TV as you approached the door. Penelope must still be awake and watching a show. You opened the door with your keys and to your surprise, one of your patients today was sitting on your couch. Your eyes met briefly.

“Hey, sweetie pie!” Penelope cornered you and grabbed hold of the take-outs. “Let me talk to you for a minute.” Penelope excused herself and you, dragging you to the kitchen. “I’m sorry Emily’s here but somebody’s got to take care of her and she lives alone. I figured since you’re here and you’re a doctor, this will be the safest choice. If that’s alright with you, of course.”

“Do I really have a choice?”

“No.” Your roommate grinned widely.

You let out an exasperated sigh. “Then it’s fine. I’m going to my room. I had a long day.”

“But aren’t you going to eat? You can watch TV with us.”

“I lost my appetite.” You mumbled. You walked to your room and Emily caught you on the way. She stopped in front of you. “What?”

“I’m sorry for staying. The team insisted and -”

“It’s fine, Agent Prentiss.”

Emily frowned. “You don’t have to be so formal.”

“I’m sorry but I’m really tired. I just want to go to bed.”

“Okay, sorry,” She stepped to the side and you walked past her. “Y/N?” You looked back at her. “Thank you for today.”

You flashed her a small smile.

___

You woke up the next morning to a loud scream. You quickly got up and ran to the living room. Your hair still disheveled and pajama pants hanging a little low.

“Is there a fire?” You asked, confused and half awake.

“Sorry for waking you, sunshine. But I cannot do this.” Penelope handed you a gauze, medical tape and scissors. “Help us, oh sweet lord of ER.”

You yawned then sat next to Emily. You disinfected your hands with alcohol and proceeded to clean her wound with povidone-iodine. She winces a little. “Hurts?”

“A little.”

“Well, it’s supposed to.”

“Wow, aren’t you grumpy in the morning.” Emily teased, earning a glare from you and a slightly painful poke. “Ow! Hey, be gentle please. I’m already hurt.” She pouted.

“You have a dangerous job. Couldn’t you be more careful?” You retorted, annoyed.

“Well, I’m sorry the UnSub has a gun and tried to kill me.”

You ignored her mumbling. “Do you have the day off?”

“Hotch gave me the week off.” Emily answered, clearly disappointed. “I can’t believe my doctor suggested a week's rest. It’s not even that bad, right?”

You bit the inside of your cheeks. “And you know better than your doctor?”

Emily smiled. “I guess not.”

You finished cleaning up her wound and changing the dressing. You picked up an ice pack from the fridge and handed it to her. “Ice your bruises. No more than 15 minutes at a time.”

“Yes, doc.”

“Don’t call me doc.”

“You’re a doctor.”

“We’re not in the hospital.”

Emily leaned forward, a little too close to your face. “What should I call you then?”

Up close, you noticed her lower lip has a small cut while her upper lip … well, there’s nothing wrong with it.

You tried not to focus too much on her lips. Tried is the keyword. 

Then, you suddenly felt like your ghost floated above you and gave the back of your head a cold hard slap. Your eyes quickly darted up to her own brown orbs, intently staring back at you. 

“I’d rather you not call me anything at all.” You said firmly and got up. Emily watched you march back to your room.  A small smirk formed on Emily’s face.

You lied on your bed. Heart pounding, head somewhat dizzy, cheeks flushed.

Fuck Emily Prentiss and her stupid, stupid, tempting lips.

___

The three of you ended up watching your second classic film one afternoon with Penelope sitting between you and Emily. You didn’t like the movie that much honestly. You walked to the kitchen to make yourself your favorite drink - soda with vanilla ice cream.

“You still like that huh?” Emily sneaked up behind you. “It’s diabetes in a glass.”

“Guilty.” You took a sip. “It’s my comfort drink.”

“It sure is.”

“What do you need? Ice?”

“You, actually.”

“Why? Something hurts?”

“Nothing you can heal.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m serious.”

“So am I, Y/N.” Emily stepped closer to you. “I was wondering if we can finally have a talk.”

“We’re watching a movie.”

“Penelope’s just fine.” You both glanced at Penelope who turned her head back to the TV at breakneck speed.

“She put you up to this huh?” You took a seat and you gestured to Emily to do the same. There’s no use avoiding ‘the talk’ anyway as it looks like Emily might live here for the whole week whether you liked it or not. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Us.”

“Us?”

Emily ran her hands through her hair, not knowing where to start. “I didn’t want to leave.”

Fifteen years.

It’s been fifteen years since you last saw Emily. Both of you were still kids - young, innocent, carefree, hopeful. The day Emily left your life, you were a wreck. You did good at school, acing exams after exams, and eventually got to medical school on partial scholarship. Outside, you tried to be the perfect little golden daughter your parents and teachers expected you to be. Inside? You were empty. You felt as if you’re a shallow case of a person.

The first five years since Emily left, you graduated from high school. You got multiple part time jobs before applying to universities. In between those busy times, you tried to find her - called her up on her phone every single day for three years, wrote letters to her last known address every month for two years. Once, you even tried to sneak into their house but the security guard spotted you and almost caught you. You almost had a bald spot from the security grabbing your hair.

By the sixth year since Emily had gone, you stopped. You realized it’s not healthy anymore. You were holding on to a ghost. So you learned to live the next years of your life without her. After finishing your degree in biochemistry, you moved to LA with your father. You got yourself into UCLA and pursued medicine.

The med school journey wasn’t a smooth ride at all. Yes, you didn’t fail one subject during med school but the harder part came later - the actual practice. You struggled with a lot of things but mostly socializing with different people - strangers - whose life depended on you and your capabilities.

It was only five years ago that you finally started to feel somewhat confident with yourself. Not perfect but you weren’t getting yelled at as much by the attendings anymore. A senior resident even complimented your improvement which meant a lot to you.

Long story short, you survived without her.

Her name had become a memory pushed and tucked away in the back of your mind. You locked it and threw away the key. You had stopped yourself from waiting for answers as to why she walked out on you or why she didn’t fight for you ages ago.

Well.

Until now.

“Y/N,” Emily placed her hand on top of yours and you were quick to retract it. It was a reflex at this point. “Sorry.” She kept her hands under the table. “I know apologizing won’t erase anything that happened to us but I’m really sorry, love.”

“Don’t call me that.” You clenched your jaw. “Just tell me why.”

“She, my mother … she took me to the Middle East when she found out about us. I should have known, I should have seen, that we were being followed by her men every time we went out. She tossed the photos - our photos - to my face. She called me disgusting and immoral and a fucking disappointment all because I loved you.” The last part came out as a mumble but you caught it.

Your eyebrows relaxed, eyes softened. The waterworks in your eyes were threatening to fall again. Damn it.

How would a 17-year-old expect this from her own mother? How was she supposed to know?

“She had all your information and your family’s and I was so afraid that she would come for you.” Emily continued, now looking down at her hands, trembling in fear and probably embarrassment of being vulnerable and open. “I knew she would come for you. She told me so. I will set that girl straight if that’s what it takes, that’s what she said. And you have no idea how that sentence scarred me until now.” Emily takes a deep shuddering breath. “The thought of you being hurt because of me … us … I couldn’t bear that, Y/N. I had to protect you so I made her swear to leave you alone and in exchange I will follow whatever she wanted me to do, whatever she wanted me to be.” Emily glanced back up to you, eyes defenseless and face flushed. “I just want you alive and safe.”

“Emily …”

“You don’t have to forgive me now or ever if you don’t want to. Or if you can’t. That’s okay. I can live with that … I think.” Your ex-girlfriend sat up straight, faked a smile. “But I want you to know that when I got to the Bureau, I did look for you.”

Your eyes met. And from what Penelope was seeing from the living room, everything was evident: the longing, the pain, the memories.

“I found out you got into med school in LA. I was so happy for you, you know that. I knew you would make it. I remember you wanted to be a surgeon at first but then you said you liked kids so maybe pedia -”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“I couldn’t … I wanted to, Y/N. I have wanted so badly for years. But when I remember about what I put you through, what my mother put you -”

“Us,” you corrected. “What your mother put us through.”

Emily nodded. “I just couldn’t ruin your life like that again.”

“Do you still talk to her? Your mother.”

“Not anymore. We haven’t been in contact since the last case she brought to the FBI.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Can’t miss someone you don’t know.”

You gave her a sad smile. “You’re strong, Emily.”

“Sometimes I think it’s a curse.”

“It will take some time,” you mumbled. Emily stared at you, waiting for what you meant. “Forgiving you, I mean.”

“I know. You don’t have to.”

“But I understand, Emily. I understand now.”

You shared a friendly smile. You leaned forward to wipe the tear from Emily’s cheek.

Emily held your wrist, feeling your hand on her cheek. You two stayed like that for a few seconds. You were the first one to let go but before going, you left a tender kiss on her forehead to which Emily closed her eyes, feeling your lips against her skin for the first time in a long time.

The moment was almost ruined when you and Emily heard a shriek from the living room and saw Penelope stuffing her mouth with ice cream. Clearly, she saw everything.

You and Emily chuckled.

“Em,” you softly whispered. “I’m sorry too.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“Sorry the world wasn’t kind. To you. To us.”

Emily frowned. “It’s not your fault.”

None of this was your fault or Emily’s as it turns out. Now that everything was out in the open, a blossoming hope grew in your heart as you looked at Emily. All the sadness, anger and pain you felt the first time you laid eyes on her at the bar, you felt that diffusing quickly.

Maybe it’s not such a bad idea. 

To just kiss her. Just once. Again.

Or hug her.

You don’t know. All you know is that you missed her. And although she looked much older than you remembered her to be - so are you - you still remembered looking at her eyes all those years ago. At the locker room. During classes. At the carnival. At the mall. In your childhood room. The street two blocks away from her house.

Emily stood up, eye level with yours, as if she read your mind. She leaned forward. Your lips now close to hers that you can feel her take a breath. She waited for you to pull away or to ran to your room but you didn’t. The next thing you know was Emily closing the gap between both of your lips.

The kiss was soft. Like the first time when you were two young girls at the locker room the first time she told you that she loves you. Yet, it was also intoxicating, exciting. You felt a jolt of electricity running through your whole body.

The kiss was also quick. It was done before you know it.

Emily flashed a smile. “I’d like to do that again.”

“Me too,” You mentally kicked yourself at how quick you responded to that.

“Let me take you out on a date sometime.”

How can you say no to her?

The answer is you don’t.

“I’d like that, Em.”

“Friday? 10pm? I’ll pick you up?”

“It’s like you know my work schedule.”

“Lucky guess,” Emily smirked. “Let’s go before Penelope dies of excitement. She’s literally red and might combust.”

“Don’t worry, I’m here if she codes.” You share a laugh.

You couldn’t wait for Friday to come.

[cemeterything]

what's being low-empathy like? i've never heard about varying degrees of empathy or what an empath is, i thought it was an internet joke (i'm not usamerican so maybe the theory is more evolved in the US) isn't empathy something you practice throughout your life and interactions?

'empath' has been turned into a sort of internet joke as a result of the label being treated like this shortcut to being a good person by some, but being high empathy =/= being an 'empath' and can in fact be very unpleasant and difficult because being highly sensitive to other people's emotions can be exhausting and overstimulating. honestly i don't envy high empathy people at all.

for me low empathy is like... i can figure out how other people are feeling sometimes, but it takes me longer and involves more intentional mental processing. i have to actively want to empathize with someone to do so, and can quite easily detach myself from a situation if i don't want to. my baseline empathy reactions to stimuli are very dull and distant, and i struggle to place myself into other people's shoes and often draw incorrect conclusions as to how they might be thinking and feeling and why they might have made the decisions they did on my own. i can be unobservant if i'm not trying to be, and fail to notice other people's feelings unless they make an effort to tell/show me, leading to me often being less involved in social groups and feeling 'out of the loop' on any developments that occur within them. i am frequently undisturbed by shocking and upsetting things because i just can't imagine what they must actually be like to experience.

to make up for this, i try to ask people questions and observe the world and people around me for clues to analyze that might help me figure out how to empathize better. i also have a tendency to stick to routines and 'stock reactions' in my social interactions whenever i'm unsure of how to respond, even with people i'm very familiar with. i don't mean them any less, but if for example i know that saying a certain phrase or performing a certain action usually provides comfort and i see someone upset and want to offer them my support, i'll use it unless i have a strong sense that an alternative course of action would be more appreciated. i'll often ask people what they would like me to do for them rather than assuming because i know my assumptions are often based on limited and inaccurate information and might just make things worse, which some people find very considerate, but others find needy and immature.

i do think that empathy is a skill that you can practice and develop. i have a developmental disorder (adhd) as well as a very socially isolated and abusive upbringing, so i have no doubt that my lack of empathy is at least partially based in that, and while i don't think you need to be highly empathetic to be a good person, i do hope i'll be able to develop mine a bit!

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Carpe Noctem 5

Warnings: dark elements, noncon, age gap, gaslighting, manipulation, abuse/violence, other dark elements. Proceed with caution. (short!reader)

Note: Please let me know what you think as it helps me a lot with ideas and I love interacting with you all.

Part of The Club AU

The week passes in an exhausting haze. Johnny’s alarm rings hours before your own and his habit of snoozing several times has you up far too early. You make his coffee as he gets ready, coming out in his uniform to claim the waiting thermos and his packed lunch. He gives you a kiss on the cheek as his lingering displeasure keeps him from meeting your lips.

One night out and your whole week is ruined. It feels like you’re working from behind, trying to catch up with everything. You message the twins about Johnny’s moods but they only reply with their usual nonchalance. They just tell you again he’s a selfish asshole, leaving you to dwell on the rift alone.

Despite his agitation, he keeps his routine. He comes home, eats the dinner you cook him, sits around as you tidy up, and sleeps in the same bed, touching you until you give in and let him get off. Some nights, you’re already half asleep. And after, he rolls over and snores.

Friday comes and so does another invitation from the twins. You offer drinks at a restaurant but refuse to go back to the club. They call you boring so you tell them to have fun. You could use a break, from everyone; from work, from home, from your friends.

You take the long way home and stop at a small cafe along the way. You’ve never been there before. You miss the times when you used to do new things. You get a lavender lemonade and a half-dozen salted caramel cookies.

You drive home as dread rises in your stomach. You hope Johnny is over it. You just want to have a nice weekend. You park and head upstairs, yawning as you juggle your armful and let yourself into the apartment.

Johnny’s shoes are beside the mat. You put your lemonade and the cookies on the small table beside the coat rack and move them. You take off your own as you hear him and before you can react, the lemonade and ice are dripping down your front. You gasp at the cold cascade across your face as Johnny flings the empty cup against your chest.

“You fucking liar,” he snarls as you stand dumbfounded.

“What–”

“What?!” He snaps, “why don’t you tell me what?” He stomps backwards and grabs a box off the counter that looks into the front room, “what is this?”

He throws the box and you swat it away before it can hit you in the face. It bounces onto the floor and you bend to pick it up. The lid is halfway off and gives a peak of bright red tissue paper. You peek inside and see an ivory corset with strings of pearls across the bodice. You don’t understand.

“I don’t know what this is?” You say as you stand straight.

“No? How about this?” He takes a small card and whips it from between two fingers.

It lands on the floor and you sigh as you retrieve it, reading the inside in horror. A time and place. Signed simply, L. Fucker.

“I don’t know, Johnny, please–”

“Oh, don’t fucking lie,” he growls, “I’m not stupid.”

“Really, I don’t know–”

“I work twelves all week and I get home to find out my girlfriend’s a slut. Now you’re lie to my face–”

You feel like you’ve been slapped. You squeeze the box and hurl it onto the floor. A swell of fatigue and rage storm inside you. You can’t do it. Nothing you do is right, nothing you say is his truth.

“I work hard too. I come home and I cook and I clean. I do everything around here, Johnny, and all you do is bitch at me. And I tell you the truth and you still don’t believe me. I don’t have the time to cheat. All my time and energy is spent on being your mother!”

You kick the box towards him as he blusters and sputters in fury.

“I pay the rent, I give you everything you need,” he barks as he comes closer, “I settled for you and you are just another lying whore–”

He backs you up against the door as he postures over you. You put your hands up to keep him at bay and he shoves your arms aside. He slams his fist on the door beside your head and leans in.

“You can get the fuck out. Now.”

“Johnny, please, I didn’t… I didn’t do anything.”

“Stop lying!” He spits.

“I’m not lying, I swear–”

“Not lying. Not–”

He punches the door again and you cower, hands clutched over your chest. He backs away and grabs his phone off the couch. He stomps back towards you and unlocks his phone.

“I saw the twins’ story,” he flips the screen towards you, showing the video of Serena as she makes a fishy face at the camera. Over her shoulder, you're blotting away the spilled gin from that man’s chest. It looks a lot more salacious than it was.

“He spilled his drink. I was just–”

“You were just what?” He whips the phone at you and you back away, deflecting it with your hand. The impact makes your palm sting. “You fucking lied. You’re still fucking lying.”

He bears down on you. You tremble as the anger radiates from him. He raises his hand and you close your eyes as his knuckles crack across your cheek. You stumble back and hit the door, sinking down in disbelief as you cradle your face. You use your other arm to shield yourself, sniffling as you wait for the next blow.

Silence. Stillness. You peek up from beneath your arm as Johnny stares at you. His lower lips quivers and he backs up, shaking his head. 

“You made me– I’m sorry—”

You gulp and shakily plant your foot, then the other, bracing the wall as you rise. Your heart beats wildly behind your ears. You don’t know what to do but you know you can’t stay. You swipe up your purse as you twist the handly blindly with your other hand.

“Wait, I’m sorry, babe, we can talk–”

You don’t answer. You swiftly pull the door between you and shudder. Your eyes flow over and the tears roll down your cheeks. Your whole life is wrapped up in Johnny and now it’s in shambles. All because you were nice to the wrong man.

[beanghostprincess]

What are you most controversial/unpopular OP opinions??? Sorry if it was answered before

You want me to get canceled so bad-- If I speak-- But idk, I guess I'll say the controversial opinions I can say publicly without a bunch of people coming at me!

Zo$an is a bit... Overrated? And by overrated I mean extremely/annoyingly overrated. I like the ship and its canon dynamic but I think at least 80% of the fandom portrays them in a very mischaracterized way. Not to say that... The ship is literally everywhere and the shippers always look for every little thing to prove they're canon, even if the "proof" has literally nothing to do with them. It's not that I don't enjoy the ship (although I must admit I prefer other dynamics a lot more) I just can't stand shippers that go to extremes. It's funny because I think Zo$an's dynamic is way more interesting and romantic in canon than it will ever be in the fandom. It's a bit sad, ngl. I liked them a lot at first but it got so tiring and now I am pretty exhausted from seeing it everywhere. The people force it to be more than it is when the canon is already pretty fucking great.

Adding to the Zo$san thing. I think that relationship would only work if Luffy is there somehow but it wouldn't last a day without him in the relationship. Unless there's like, a ton of character development most of these people don't make them go through.

One Piece Film Z is my worst enemy. It's such a boring movie. The only good thing is the soundtrack and maybe the suits but God watching that was torture.

Boa hate is uhhhh weird. I mean, I get why the joke about her being in love with Luffy might be annoying, but I think most of you need to learn to understand that Oda's sense of humor is sometimes a bit too exaggerated (and not funny) and it has basically nothing to do with the actual canon dynamics between characters. Boa likes Luffy because he's one of the first men who has ever treated her right, so of course she confuses that feeling with love. And of course, yeah, it isn't canon. Whatever. Just read between the lines, maybe? And also, stop using words like "pedo" to describe her because using that term so lightly about 1) a fictional character and 2) somebody who's clearly not a pedo is fucked up. Lmao. Do you even know what that word means???

Once again complaining about Pudding hate and saying that it's stupid. I won't overanalyze because I always do it with her, but the only reason people hate her is for misogynistic reasons and because they're babying Sanji. Evil male characters are okay and hot and very traumatized but the second it's a woman she's the most evilest person ever! Because God forbid they make mistakes! Suddenly their character development isn't valid because they hurt their babygirl!

Now that we're talking about my dearest Pudding. Not tagging anybody of course, but I saw this post with so many interactions of people agreeing about Sanji considering violence as a sign of love which??? Doesn't make sense at all?? OP said it was because he couldn't tell the difference between love/abuse because of his family, but that's just... Not accurate. That could only happen if they had manipulated him into thinking abuse is a type of love, but he had healthy love growing up. Even when he was with the Vinsmokes (Sora and Reiju, I love you). And yet OP said Sanji considered Pudding's behavior flirting (wrong) and that's why he let her attack him (nope) and that it was proof of Zo$an. And okay, it's not a hugely popular theory, but a lot of people agreed with it and it bothered me a lot because it's both out of character and also using Pudding (complex female character) once again to try and prove the canon of a ship (that doesn't have anything to do with WCI either???). It just bothers me. People can perceive the story however they want but... Y'know.

OPLA isn't that good. Or good at all? I only like it because I like the cast and it's funny seeing my blorbos irl. But the script is simple and dull and just stupid most of the time. The characters are either simplified, mischaracterized, or forgotten. And tbh most of the shots are very awful and could be a lot better. The directing is also nonexistent. It's 6/10 and 3 of those points are because both the Zolu and the cast.

Apparently this is a very common theory about Nami's origins, but, uh, I don't think we need to know? What else do you need to know about her? People say she's a lost princess or something like that as if we didn't have a lost princess already (Sanji ily). Repeating the same plot would be boring and underwhelming, but also? It'd be extremely useless for the plot and it'd go against everything about Nami's story and the way Luffy reacts to it.

Luffy isn't canon aroace. In fact, the reasoning people use for him being "coded" is the same Oda uses for Zoro too and Zoro is almost never portrayed as the "idiot who doesn't know what sex is" the way Luffy often is. If you're calling Luffy canon aroace for what Oda said about him being focused on adventures, the same goes for Zoro being focused on his dream. They could be coded arospec but there's nothing confirmed and the constant discourse about it is stupid. Attacking others because of their ships just because you don't agree with them and saying it's wrong using our identity to do it is very fucked up. Especially since most of the time people complaining aren't even aroace. The only reason people do it (attacking others saying they can't ship Luffy and that it's "weird" and "wrong") is that they infantilize Luffy/Don't want him getting in between their ships (<- aroace person writing this) (also, it's very ableist since people agree on Luffy also being neurodivergent coded and treating him like a kid bc of that but this isn't about that now).

Somehow this is very common. Some fucking how. I can't believe I have to say this. I'm tired of people blaming Usopp for what happened in Water 7. Or in general hating Usopp. Actually, he's one of the best-written characters in the whole show and he's so underappreciated it's so frustrating.

Sanji's perv jokes are annoying af and we all know that, but people who hate the character and consider him a red flag for that are missing the point completely. The point being "Oda exaggerates jokes to an annoying extent and most of the time they don't even reflect the character". I understand they can make you uncomfortable (same here tbh) but reducing Sanji to only those jokes is a waste of his character. You need to take jokes less seriously.

If I see one of these "red flag OP boys" TikToks adding Law/Ace/Zoro/Sanji next to fucking Doffy I will riot. Also, stop adding Crocodile there. He's a mafioso, there's NO way he won't be a sweetheart to his lover.

Baron Omatsuri's artstyle and animation is amazing and it fits the plot and aesthetic of the movie perfectly and people saying it's ugly will forever bother me.

"Usopp is suddenly hot after timeskip!" He has always been hot what the fuck are you talking about.

People reduce Nami to her "mean"/"sarcastic" personality a lot when she's quite literally one of the most kind-hearted characters of all. That being said, morally speaking she's probably one of the worst. I could explain how that works but I don't want to do it now, the point is-- Let the girl be sweet instead of making her mean all the time. And also, let her be mean and selfish without making it her entire personality. There's something called "balance".

Film Red was kind of bad. Like, the songs are amazing (thanks, Ado) but the ending is awful and the plot is very meh. I'm only here for Uta and Shanks but the rest of the characters are just useless. I do appreciate Sanji's hair in the movie, though.

[modernperplexity]

Mine Ch. 2: The Waiting Room

Chapter Rating: E (+18) Minors DNI, mention of alcohol consumption and substance abuse.

Word Count: 2539

A/N: Chapter 2 is here y'all! Thank you for bearing with me. As some of you may have read in my last update, I moved across the country. It took some time to get settled and to get in a headspace where I could write again. Anywho, I am excited for you to read this chapter. We'll get to see more of the boys and Frankie being a great dad 🤍 As a reminder my asks are always open. I hope you enjoy Chapter 2!

Quick shout out to @splashofbi-fic-reblogs your comment on chapter 1 inspired one of the lines, thank you for that!

If you'd like to join the tag list click here :)

Mine Masterlist

Chapter 2 : The Waiting Room

“Catfish..what happened back there? It seemed like you were on your A-game. I thought you’d asked her to text you or-” 

“Can we talk about this later?” Frankie closed the front door behind him “I’m exhausted, besides we have to go pick up Cami in the morning. My mom has...she has a date.” Frankie groaned internally, instantly regretting the last small detail he let slip.

“Shit man, even your Mom is dating...” Santiago chided with a chuckle until he was met with Frankie’s strong gaze in response,“Alright, alright...G’night”

Frankie couldn't sleep that night, despite feeling exhausted. The events of the evening kept him restless, replaying his time with you and thinking of ways he could have done better. My god was he rusty, Santiago was right, it had been too long since he had put himself out there. Pope had been a great friend, teasing aside, who cared about Frankie's well-being and encouraged him to move forward and past the darkness that he had seen his friend grapple with. He was the reason Frankie had downloaded the latest dating apps only to never complete his profile. He figured if he met someone, he prefer it to be in person. 

His thoughts raced through the night. Would anyone want someone so broken with a past like his? Would you? You were so beautiful, smart, and interesting and he was just Francisco Morales the ex-pilot and recovering addict. It’s not like it mattered anyway, he reckoned he’d never see you again. His eyelids eventually grew heavy, as the Netflix show he left playing lulled him to sleep.

“Frankie..” Your heartbeat quickened for two reasons. First, you’d never imagine you’d see the man ever again. Second, your boss had just entered the waiting room and talked with the receptionist at the front desk. Luckily, she was too far away to notice the lack of formality in your interaction.

“Santiago, that little shit.” Frankie muttered under his breath. Your mind too preoccupied to fully register the moment.

“Uh..why don’t we make our way to my office?”

He followed close behind as you walked down the hall. It wasn’t lost on him how Camila’s eyes sparkled when she saw you. How she ran up to greet you and took your hand immediately. His heart was melting at the sight until the moment caught up to him. He had lost your number and figured you misinterpreted his lack of initiation as a sign of rejection. Now he was here, in your office. He thought it some trick of fate, or the handiwork of one he referred to as Pope. 

Camila had no patience for you both and had contently occupied herself with the toys you had laid out for her session. Frankie inched toward the edge of his seat, “I’m so sorry. I would’ve called-”

“There’s really no need to explain, Mr. Morales” You waived him off, denying every inch of curiosity that urged you to hear his explanation. He has a child! A daughter, who so happens to be your patient. And what of her mother? Had you given your number out to a married man? 

How is this happening right now.. here out of all places!?

“But I want to... Please.” His pleading voice interrupted the racing thoughts that held your attention. How could you deny those deep brown eyes? You quietly surrendered with a nod. 

“If you don’t mind..” You looked out the sidelite of your office door, searching for any passersby in the hall, “keeping your voice low, the walls are pretty thin.”

“Right..well, the ink on my hand smeared when I grabbed the beers. I tried to make out the numbers but they were too far gone. I was kicking myself for not asking you to write down your name and number in my contacts or asking you to text me....or-” He sighed and looked at Cami who had now moved on to the animal puzzle at the kid-sized table to the left of him.

His earnest expression rendered you defenseless “Oh god-” A chuckle got away from you, “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at you. It’s just- I don’t know if it was the alcohol or my nervousness but I was trying to be mysterious and I see now that it completely backfired. Full disclosure, I never give out my number like that.”

The worry lines on his forehead eased their tension and a half smile sheepishly emerged over his pouty lips, “There was quite literally nothing I could go off. I considered asking the bartender for the name he saw on your credit card but I didn’t want it to seem like I was some creep.” He laughed, “Santiago, would not stop teasing me the whole weekend. He’s been on me to start dating again.” His hand dragged over his mouth, “God, I’m gonna kill him”.

“So… you’re not married?” You moved from the edge of the desk to a chair closer to him. Your eyes searching his for an answer.

“No, I’ve never been. I thought about it- thought it would be good for Cami when we found out we were expecting but Ashley… Camila’s mother, left us when she was still a baby.” He looked at his daughter with such devotion and admiration. You could see the hint of pain behind his eyes. 

Your heart sank, “Mr. Morales, I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for you and Camila.”

“I really wish I could change things. I know I had my faults, I just wished I could’ve turned things around sooner for Camila’s sake. If I had, maybe she’d still have a mother and maybe she wouldn’t be so affected…” He couldn’t grasp why he was opening up like this, so quickly and effortlessly. It was not like him at all. It took him weeks to muster up the courage and talk about this with Will and Ben, who had both been a rock for him during his relapses and recovery periods. Hell, it took him a while to even realize what he was feeling. There was something about your presence, your soothing voice, and your gentle eyes that made his defenses dissolve.

“Is it…is it my fault?” You looked at him with concern, “That she is having a hard time talking?”

“You can’t blame yourself, Frankie” His heartbeat quickened at the sound of his name, “There are so many factors that play into why general speech delays happen- genetics, pregnancy complications, environmental factors... Please don’t punish yourself for this.” 

You turned your gaze to Cami, who had so many of her handsome father’s features. She was all Frankie, from her warm chocolate curls to her rosy little lips. “You’re here and that’s what matters. I promise to do my best to help you and Cami achieve her goals.” The tightness in your throat reminded you that regardless of the gravitational pull you felt towards him the night you met, you needed to be professional. Your hard work and license were on the line. 

Get it together, state your boundaries. 

“With that in mind, I have to be upfront with you. I do my best to establish a professional relationship with my patient’s parents, but as you can already imagine there are lines I do not..cannot cross regardless of how we first met.”

“I understand. I would not want to jeopardize you in any way.” He lifted his cap to run his fingers through his hair, “But if it’s okay with you, I’d like to stay and participate in Cami’s sessions.”

“Oh.. absolutely! I think it will be beneficial. You’ll get to see and learn the techniques I use during her sessions so you use them at home” The half-smile that quickened your heartbeat made its appearance once more.

You taught him the techniques you’d be using and activities that he could implement at home to help foster a learning environment for his daughter. Cami was quick to engage with you and receptive to your encouragement. She was particularly fond of bursting bubbles and clapping along to the songs you sang with her. Frankie felt a sense of warmth well up in his heart as he watched his daughter enjoy her time with you. Although he couldn't act on this feeling, he chose not to resist it.

“Jesus Fish, we were starting to get worried. I was about to run out to get backup cases of beer in case you didn’t make it.” 

“Sorry, we couldn’t find Bunzy. Pope and I just about turned the whole house upside down looking for him.” Ben rushed over to pick up Cami who had been reaching for him stuffed animal in hand, as they stepped into Ben’s backyard. “Tio Ben!” she exclaimed. 

“HOLY SHIT! She.. she.. just said my name!” 

Frankie’s chest swelled with pride at Camila’s progress, hardly noticing Ben’s profanity. Content in knowing that Cami was now beginning to use new two-word phrases.

“Ben! Language!” Will scowled at his brother and took a break from manning the grill to place a kiss on Camila’s cheek, “Tio Will is so proud of you!”

“I’m sorry! This is a big f-reaking deal!” Ben was beaming at the fact that his name was the first of the group to be mastered by little Camila. “Guess those speech sessions are really paying off eh? Thanks to a certain…therapist?” A knowing smile appeared on his lips as he glanced at Frankie, whose face turned multiple shades of red in response.

 “Pope, seriously!?” 

Santiago took a sip of his beer “In my defense…yeah- I got nothin’.”

“Nice of you to inform everyone…don’t think I’ve forgotten how you left out a key detail that night!”

“Don’t get too worked up Catfish. You’ve been acting different ever since the night at the bar.” Will added as he cracked open a beer, handing it to Frankie. “It didn’t take long to figure out.” 

“OH yeah! Your dad’s got it…BAD” Ben added as he placed his black cap on a giggling Cami, “So… are you going for it? What’s the plan?”

“There is no plan, there can't be a plan” Ben groans, “She could get fired, and lose her license.. Besides, Cami does so well with her. I mean, you heard her earlier. I don’t wanna mess this up for her. Lord knows I’ve already put her through enough.”

“What about after Cam graduates?” Santiago grabbed a piece of steak and sat down at the patio table, “She’s already saying Ben’s name and it’s only been…what.. a couple of weeks?”

“She made it clear that our relationship is strictly professional” 

“Papi! Eat!” Camila’s cries for food offered a welcome distraction from the current topic of conversation. Frankie reached for the toddler-friendly snacks he packed and settled her on his lap. Hearing his little girl’s progress both in and out of the speech clinic gave him peace; something he hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

“Hey! Sorry I missed your call. I was at the gym earlier. I’m just picking up a few things for tonight.” You chimed over the phone as you scanned the wine selection of your local Trader Joe’s. Michele had planned a wine and paint night at her place- something you hadn’t done in a while. This meant one thing, she was going all out and would be expecting an update on your current situation. 

“Oh, take your time! But do you think you can bring extra popcorn? Turns out Lexi can make it after all.”

“Sure, no prob- oof!” You glanced down at the curly pigtails of a little girl who had quite literally run into you, her little arms wrapping around your calves.

“Miss!” She said, grasping you a little tighter.

“Hey, Michele? Let me call you back.” You squatted down to greet her, “We really gotta stop meeting like this Cami. Your father wouldn’t want you to get hurt.” You chuckled for a second until it dawned on you. 

Shit! Where’s your dad?

Your heart began to race, your eyes searched down the aisles until you heard him calling Camila’s name in a panic. His face relaxed the instant he turned the aisle and spotted you walking toward him, Camila’s hand in yours. Your breath caught at the way his tan jacket framed his shoulders, how the curls you were so fond of peeked under the brim of his cap.

He rushed to his daughter scanning her face, her small cheeks engulfed by his hands “Jesus, Camila, don’t ever do that again!” The way he kissed and held her stirred up a warmth in your chest. A reaction proving more and more difficult to push away the more you saw him.

“Thank you so much!” he breathed,“I turned away for a second and she was gone. She must have seen you from afar.”

“Oh, it’s no problem at all! I’m glad I bumped into her.” A smile lingered on your lips.

Frankie noticed your post work out glow, how your cheeks displayed a rosy shade of pink to match your workout gear that hugged the curves of your body. You looked different today, your demeanor was more relaxed out of the confines of the clinic. All this, thanks to your favorite yoga instructor. He wasn’t sure if it was the manner of your meeting or the fact that your smile never faded whenever he spoke to you that spurred on confidence within him. Surely a compliment would be harmless.

“You look very pretty today Miss” 

“Oh…thank you” You instinctively smile, and turn your attention to Cami in hopes Frankie wouldn’t notice you blush in response, “So do you two have anything fun planned today?”

“We just stopped by for some snacks before heading to the park. Thought it would be a good way to get her energy out… what about you?” He took a step closer, allowing you to take in the woody scent of his cologne, “What do speech teachers do on their days off?”

His question suddenly broke the spell cast by his scent, “I have a date…a girl date really”, you fumbled your words nervously, “My best friend planned a wine and paint night and put in charge of the wine and the popcorn.”

For a brief moment, you could have sworn you saw a tinge of disappointment cast over his expression at the mention of a date. You didn’t want to dwell on it too much, not here. Not now while you felt more susceptible to his charm.

“I’ll have to try that sometime. Though I have to admit, I don’t think Cami’s paint brushes will do” He chuckled turning to look at his little one who was starting to fuss, “Well...I won’t take more of your time, I think Cami here is ready for the park. See you Monday?”

“See you Monday.”

You bit your lip trying to hold back the grin he gave you as you walked towards your car and lifted the phone to your ear, “I was going to wait until I got to your place to share but.. guess who I just bumped into?”

Previous Chapter / Chapter 3

Tag list:

@brilliantopposite187

@casa-boiardi

@gaypoetsblog

@jitterbugs927

@kittenlittle24

@leed-bbg

@ssuperficialspacecadett

@spookyjamie333

[topguncortez]

WELCOME TO “WHUMP THE MUSICAL” 2024 :) created by @whumpthemusical

MY RULES:  

One topic/day will be assigned to one character for that day (i.e Jake gets Day 1, Rooster Day 2, Floydsin Day 3). I will not be doing more than one character a day.

ABSOLUTELY NO MINORS. As these topics all fall under the WHUMP category, there will be heavy content written and shared. Fics will be tagged accordingly, but no minors are permitted to interact. If I find you are a minor interacting, you will be blocked immediately. 

During this time I will not be posting any other fics/blurbs/one-shots or taking requests, primarily because I’ll be writing a lot and posting a lot and I don’t need that added stress.

You can either send requests into my inbox directly OR fill out the request form. 

My normal requesting rules still stand: if you are a blank blog, a minor, a character I don’t write for, or exceed the two-three sentence limit, your request will not be fulfilled

I will update the calendar/character list on SUNDAYS, so you know what days are left. 

ALL REQUESTS MUST BE DONE BY: THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22ND 

CHARACTERS:

Top Gun Character & Pairing List

Rip Wheeler

Kayce Dutton

Rhett Abbott

Jay Halstead

Will Halstead

CALENDAR:

DAY 1: Cats  Sabotage • Second Chances • "I Can Dream Of The Old Days."

DAY 2: Wicked Mob Mentality • Propaganda • "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished."

DAY 3: Jesus Christ Superstar  Whipping • Betrayal • "Then I Was Inspired, Now I'm Sad And Tired."

DAY 4: Les Mis Survivor's Guilt • Failure • "Drink With Me To Days Gone By."

DAY 5: Heathers Poison • Reluctant Whumper • "Wanna fight for me?"

DAY 6: Newsies Chronic Pain • Exploitation • "Let 'Em Laugh In My Face, I Don't Care."

DAY 7: The Last Five Years Infidelity • Gaslighting • "I Will Not Lose Because You Can't WIn."

DAY 8: Hadestown Deals • Doomed Narrative • "Doubt Comes In."

DAY 9: Sweeney Todd False Imprisonment • Razors • "Have You Decided It's Safer In Cages?"

DAY 10: Rent CHARACTER: FLOYDSIN Substance Abuse • Poverty • "Feels Too Much Damn Like Home."

DAY 11:  Bare: A Pop Opera Outing • Religious Trauma • "Please, See Me."

DAY 12: Waitress  CHARACTER: JAKE SERESIN Unplanned Pregnancy • Abuse • "She Is Broken And Won't Ask For Help."

DAY 13: Tick Tick Boom  Atychiphobia • Working To Exhaustion • "Is This Real Life?"

DAY 14: Dear Evan Hansen Deception • Broken Bone • "Words Fail."

DAY 15: West Side Story  Star-Crossed Lovers • Prejudices • "A Boy Who Kills Cannot Love."

DAY 16: Come From Away  Stranded • Aftermath • "Blankets And Bedding And Maybe Some Food."

DAY 17: Spring Awakening Withheld Information • Suicide  • "I Don't Scream, Though I Know It's Wrong."

DAY 18: Hamilton Hurricane  • Dueling • "I Will Kill Your Friends And Family To Remind You Of My Love."

DAY 19: Falsettos Sickness • Identity Issues • "Death Is Not A Friend."

DAY 20: Into The Woods  Blame • Lost • "Nothing But A Vast Midnight."

DAY 21: The Great Comet Abduction • Letters • "Did You Love That Bad Man?"

DAY 22: In The Heights Grief • Homesickness • "I Know That I'm Letting You Down."

DAY 23: Be More Chill  Mind Manipulation • Panic Attack • "Everything About Me Makes Me Want To Die."

DAY 24: Moulin Rouge  CHARACTER:  JAY HALSTEAD Class Differences • Sex Work • "Come What May."

DAY 25: Chicago  CHARACTER: JAY HALSTEAD Cold Blood • Trial • "He Had It Coming."

DAY 26: Six CHARACTER: BRADLEY BRADSHAW Execution • Trauma Bonding • "Playtime's Over."

DAY 27:Ride The Cyclone Unexpected Tragedy • Forgotten Whumpee • "I Hear The Anguish Of The Street."

DAY 28: The Rocky Horror Show Obsession • Wrong Place, Wrong Time • "I've Seen Blue Skies Through The Tears."

DAY 29: Nerdy Prudes Must Die Bullying • Ritual • "Who Will Pray For You?"

DAY 30: Jekyll And Hyde Duality • Good Vs Evil • "If I Die, You'll Die."

DAY 31: Phantom Of The Opera Disfiguration • Shunned • "My Power Over You Grows Stronger Yet."

[lav-endermoon]

i think i speak for all of us when i say that i am mentally and emotionally exhausted. aside from many reblogs, i've held off on posting about the wilbur situation for the sole reason that it is difficult for me to cope with. to be clear, i will no longer be posting in support of cc!wilbur or lovejoy, nor will i be interacting with those who continue to. time will tell if i continue posting about his characters - i've been drifting away from dsmp for a while now, and at the moment i feel very uncomfortable associating with anything related to wilbur.

i'm going to take some time off tumblr to process all of this (seriously, if you see me on here, please yell at me), but before i go i want to say that we should thank shelby for exposing the truth, being vulnerable, and opening up conversations that needed to be had. deplatforming wilbur and spreading the word of his actions is important, but our energy also needs to be directed to supporting her.

i hope that after a long series of mcyt scandals (<- for lack of a better word - feels a bit reductive), this is a wakeup call for people to stop putting their emotional stability in the hands of public figures and realize that anything they show us not only could be, but most likely is, a facade. i say "public figures" because this is not an mcyt problem - it's a problem within content creator circles in general. recent situations have displayed what happens when parasociality/idolization becomes dangerous. the amount of people in these communities who resort to downplaying and dismissing victims or blatantly upholding abusers, all in the name of keeping their fave on a pedestal, is disturbing. this is a conversation that needs to continue, for the sake of victims and those who fall into unhealthy patterns of idolization. we need to change the way our communities treat victims, and we need to think critically when engaging with CCs who we will never know personally.

none of this is to say that anyone's feelings of grief are invalid. this is a hard thing to come to terms with. it's hitting me that i was deceived by the person who influenced me to become a songwriter, whose music found me at the most relevant time, who wrote a character who i could connect with during a time where i felt deeply alone, who wrote a story that brought me so much joy and comfort at my darkest hour and inspired so many creative projects. i feel hurt and betrayed. even though all the time and love i devoted to his content was voluntary, i still feel like something has been taken from me. like i've been taken advantage of - not just by him, but by the entire industry that he is a part of. i feel manipulated, threatened, and unsafe, and those feelings have been an undercurrent throughout my time in this fandom.

your attention is quite literally currency, and you should assume that creators will try to exploit it. our brains are hardwired to trust others, not to tell the difference between real human connection and a streamer broadcasting their personal life + showing affection to their audience. don't blame yourself for the effects of an inherently parasocial type of content. don't blame yourself for having an emotional attachment to someone or something that once brought you comfort. be gentle with yourself right now, and going forward, examine how the content you consume makes you feel. how does it make you act? how does it change your thoughts? what biases do you have? these forms of content can be deeply manipulative and putting up a mental boundary is important - and, like shelby said, listen to your gut. we need to remember that they are profiting off of us and learn how to keep ourselves safe psychologically. this is another conversation that needs to continue.

take care of yourselves.

[sunhated-a]

Hello! Welcome, this is a blog I've created to curate inspiration for Muzan Kibutsuji. But I am open to interactions, so I may dip my hands in some writing for him as well.

My portrayal of Muzan is quite canon divergent and based on equal parts headcanon and canon material.

I'm very laidback on this blog, so expect minimal formatting and icons, sporadic activity, and varying post length.

Guidelines under read more.

Basic RP etiquette applies. Do not control my character without my permission, in character =/= out of character. Muzan is a very abrasive muse. So please don't take his rudeness personally. If you are a personal blog, you may follow me and send in asks or like headcanon posts. I have anon enabled if you'd prefer to use that. However, I would ask that you do not reblog my headcanons or threads. Please understand you are a guest in this space and be mindful with how you engage. Other than that, you're welcome on my blog! I hope you enjoy!

Fandom is a space meant for everyone to enjoy. Period. Bigotry of any kind, racism, sexism, transphobia, etc. Will not be tolerated. If I catch you engaging in any of these behaviors it's an immediate block from me.

Do not involve me in interpersonal drama. Roleplay is a fun hobby to me, and drama exhausts me. And to be frank, I am too old to care to keep up with who did what and why. I don't engage in dogpiles. I am just here to write my characters and stay in my lane. However, if any issues were to arise, I'd prefer to talk it out like adults. But if you'd no longer wish to interact for whatever reason, feel free to hard block me. There will be no hard feelings.

I am neither pro-ship nor an anti, nor do I care what camp you fall into. I'm just here to do my own thing. I will be exploring darker content on this blog: Including manipulation, abusive relationships, cannibalism, obsession, twisted dynamics among other things that come with the muse. I do have hard limits, however. I will not interact with you if you engage in noncon, underage smut, or adult / underage muse ships. All triggers will be tagged accordingly. And as always, if you need something tagged do not hesitate to let me know!

I run my blogs primarily on an interest basis, I also manage a household and I work. So my activity will fluctuate and be sporadic. I manage chronic depression and unmedicated ADHD both so I will probably be all over the place. IRL > Anything else. I will always prioritize the comfort level of a mun over writing and roleplay.

This is a canon divergent blog, as it says on the tin. There are a lot of aspects about Muzan and his story that I interpret differently, or omit entirely. If something about my portrayal isn't to your liking, I completely understand. You are entitled to your opinion, but please don't try to argue with me. Feel free to unfollow or block.

OCS. I love them. Feel free to send them my way, just be sure to have a page where I can read about them and we're golden. I am also duplicate friendly.

I am not open to shipping on this blog. I, however, will make exceptions if we have interacted OOC or if we're on the same page on what we want out of a ship. I'm uncomfortable shipping with people I don't interact with, this is purely for my own comfort and because of personal experiences in the past. But, if we've interacted and you think our characters would mesh well and have a good dynamic, by all means feel free to bring it up. I will not be posting smut or sexual content on this blog. So anything veering into that territory, I will ask to move to discord or another platform.

[orowyrm]

let's talk about the way we talk about sigma

and i’m not just saying this because i’m a hater or because i find the woobification of characters annoying (although i am, and i do, but that’s neither here nor there) but i AM saying it cuz it’s no longer mildly annoying so much as it is just hurtful and exhausting due to the casual ableism it perpetuates. whether it’s consciously or not, it’s there and i’m pointing it out cuz a lot of people probably don’t even realize what they’re saying (i hope) so i wanna spell it out crystal clear.

*granted, these are sentiments i’ve seen far more often on twitter or tiktok than on here (and i know complaining about stupid takes on either site is like going to the beach and getting mad about all the sand, but bear with me) but it’s ABSOLUTELY something that i see a lot on here too and i'm starting to get incredibly fed up with it all. someone's gotta fuckin say it.

im going to put the majority of this under a readmore because i've got a lot to say on the topic but here's the long and short of it:

you guys have GOT to stop acting like sigma is a poor little helpless confused manipulated innocent little uwu baby. like, for real. stop saying that shit. stop lamenting about “waahhh poor science granpa doesn’t know where he is or what’s happening around himmm 🥺🥺🥺”. stop acting like he’s being held captive or abused by talon despite evidence to the contrary so you can make your little “uwu i can’t wait for overwatch to save him and Fix Him uwuwuw” posts. and for the love of all that’s holy, if i see one more person say or imply that he was better off when he was being forcibly institutionalized than he is now working for talon, i’m going to start fucking attacking people with my teeth like a chimpanzee.

it's incredibly fucking weird and alienating for literally anyone who experiences even a fraction of the things yall are pointing out as proof of his incompetence. and before any of you hit me with the "oh it's not that deep 🙄" im gonna tell you right now that i dont care and im going to be mad about it anyway cuz its my party and i can post whatever i want.

ANYWAY!!

to continue my point, not only is it weird and infantilizing and demeaning and belittling to those of us who deal with literally any of the myriad of things going on with him that i’ve seen people point to as proof that he ‘needs to be fixed’ — memory lapses, time loss, dissociation, auditory hallucinations, disordered thought, just straight up being autistic, hyperfocus and/or complete lack of focus, panic attacks or meltdowns, i cannot overstate how many of the ‘weird’ things he does are just autistic traits so i’m gonna say it a second time for good measure — and those are all just things that i personally have in common with him (which is part of the reason i’m as mad about this as i am to make this post, but i digress).

to single out these things, all of which are completely reasonable for someone who is autistic, who is traumatized, who suffered through a prolonged period of forced confinement, and/or who has literal brain damage, and NONE of which are nearly as tragic and doomed as people are making them out to be, that’s all bad enough on its own!

but to point out these traits and then turn around and use them to color every single interaction he has with another character, every single thing he says, and tie it back to his traaaagic broken mind and how he’s clearly losing his grip on reality just feels… insanely othering in a way that’s really exhausting.

like, for fucks sake, a solid 80% of his character interactions could be lifted near verbatim from conversations i’ve had in real life with my friends, family, coworkers, you name it, all of which were friendly and usually in jest — hell, 9/10 times when i let out a random non sequitur or lose my train of thought or forget what i’m doing, nobody even bats a fucking eye! they sure as hell don't accuse whoever i’m talking to of abusing me because they expressed mild annoyance at my bad joke.

i’ve genuinely seen someone get all worked up and construe his one interaction with sombra where he comments on her tendency to disappear and reappear in odd places as evidence that he’s got dementia and is slipping away from reality altogether… and not, yknow, a nod to her fucking cloaking ability and translocator and the fact that she uses both very frequently just for the hell of it. that one still fucking baffles me i'm sorry. if i hadn't seen it with my own eyes i'd honestly think it was a joke. like. cmon now

another thing that makes it even worse is that most of this is also just…. not even grounded in canon. if this was the way blizz was writing him, it’d be one thing. it would still be shitty and ableist, but blizzard handling their oooh spooky scary mentally ill character badly is about as surprising as the sun rising every morning. i can't say i wouldn't still be upset to see people continuing to perpetuate it, but i wouldn't be AS mad, i guess.

but SO. MANY. of the popular takes on his character are either never concretely stated or outright contradicted by his ingame dialogue and interactions and it drives me insane!!! idk WHERE y’all are getting this shit but so many people are reaching so hard to make him a tragic sad uwuwuw glass bones and paper skin pathetic little meow meow that they’re going out of their way to misinterpret source material so they can shout from the rooftops about how sad and pathetic and unaware they think people like me must be.

i keep seeing people talk about how he probably has no idea that talon is a terrorist group, that he doesn’t know what talon IS, or that he doesn’t even know that he WORKS for talon, and it’s starting to go from mildly annoying to infuriating. this shit has literally no basis in canon aside from conjecture based on the fact that he’s Known to be mentally ill!! i don't see even half as many people getting this all up in arms about widow, who we KNOW FOR A FACT was literally kidnapped and experimented on and brainwashed by talon. like. that's her WHOLE THING. meanwhile sig literally just works there and people are clamoring for ovw to come """""rescue"""""" him as if hes like, a lab animal or something instead of a grown man who happens to not be particularly bothered by the fact that he works for talon.

this is something that's addressed in game MULTIPLE TIMES - he’d far prefer to watch an ant crawl on the ceiling than listen to s76 trying to ‘talk sense into him’, not because he can’t hear him or anything either, it’s pretty clear from his tone and cadence that he’s actively choosing to ignore him. when baptiste points out the fact that he’s fully capable of leaving talon if he wanted to, he doesn’t deny it or act confused or like that’s a strange thing to say, he just seems a little bemused that someone would think he WANTS to leave. yeah, he sure could— but why would he bother?

he's not "totally unaware of what he's doing" in the fucking slightest - hell, i'd argue that his new map-exclusive lines and interactions prove that he's MORE grounded now than he was in ovw1. yes, he gets a little confused on occasion when he can't quite remember the last time he's been somewhere. (memory lapses are just kind of like that. i had several while writing this post, in fact! it just fucking happens sometimes. it's really not the end of the world. frustrating, yeah, but i promise you we can manage just fine).

i guess the question i'm asking is: is it really all that difficult for to fathom that he might just... WANT to be there? that he might just straight up not care what talon is up to, so long as he's able to keep doing his research as he sees fit??

and for the record, before anyone takes this and runs with it and we lose the plot of this post, i am NOT SAYING that the very idea of wanting him to leave talon is #problematic or anything. i dont care, really. do whatever you want. what i do care about is just like.... being mindful about what we're saying and WHY we're saying it. it's reaching a point where people are somehow managing to look at the ass backwards already ableist as hell decisions blizz has already made with him and decided "hey, i bet i can find a way to make that even worse!"

[aidansloth]

part 2 of

Gareth Emerson's Headcanons (Romantic): because I'm still hyperfixating

please just hold his cheeks with both of your hands and kiss him sweetly

loves it if you decide to wear cherry chapstick (or any sort of lipstick that's cherry flavoured)

would hold your bags when you go shopping like the gentleman he is

he makes you flower crowns because he loves you

he doesn't get jealous easily, well kind of but not in an overly possessive way

if someone's flirting with you he trusts you'll take care of it (still wraps an arm around you if he's close) but steps in immediately if he sees you uncomfortable

no one makes you uncomfortable, no one.

he'll kindly tell the person to fuck off and he they don't get the message the anger issues kick in

Eddie has to keep him from killing someone

afterwards apologizes for being too aggressive or if he made you uncomfortable and hopes you aren't scared of him now

he calls you sugar normally but honey in private (he loves calling you that because it feels domestic to him)

when you're sad or he's comforting you though he's calling you princess

"Everything's gonna be alright princess, yeah? I've got you."

imagine surprising him at his house to take him out and when you knock one of his little sisters open the door while giggling and drag you inside to their room

all you can see is a now flustered Gareth, with his hair in pigtails (cute little hairbands with beads), badly put-on make-up (the usual overly bright eyeshadow and red lipstick) and pretty colourful necklaces on him

because yes he lets his sisters do makeovers on him but you were never supposed to see that

he's now a flustered mess while his sisters are giggling and you're refraining from laughing yourself

but in the end when his sisters are gone you kiss him

because he still is a pretty pretty boy<3

he does let you do his make-up, but properly done make-up

changing the subject, he loves teasing you

and listening to you talking

about anything

your passions, your day, that lizard you found in the toilet, anything

he loves more than anything when you start to get lost in your story, you're just rambling and moving your hands, pacing too and he just looks at you and

"God you're adorable."

i would die on the spot

with a chuckle afterwards

dead

I think he would be really good at explaining, he often helps his sisters with homework

there you have it, your personal tutor

this isn't really a romantic headcanon, just a headcanon I came up with and need to share

I said in earlier posts that I think him, his sisters and his mom moved away (to Hawkins) from his abusive dad when he was like 12(??)

so of course when they moved they didn't have that much money, so they were kind of poor

they're not anymore but he still has some of his old habits, like constantly being worried about money even if they have it, saving any leftover food for the next day even if it's half a slice of pizza, etc.

he also has a part-time job, something like at a diner or record store

him having to deal with karens is my new favourite thing

he then comes back to you after his shift and just bear hugs you (he's exhausted ok, the karens do that)

I feel like he would want to read but can't a lot because of his short attention span

But he loves it if you read to him

Because he loves your voice

And he can play with your hands/hair while you read

is the type to think of his and your future children's names in advance

you don't want kids?

cool, then be ready to have 100 different pets

he can braid hair really well because he does his sisters so he does yours too

"Can I braid your hair honey? Please?"

he feels like he's taking care of you like that

i love him<33

he falls in love you the moment he sees you interact with his sisters

literally on his knees for you