#feels like we’re two mountain lions claiming territory in this house and you are cornering me in my bedroom just like when I was a child
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Nothing like some light substance abuse to really make you feel like a child again
#me sitting in my room shaking in silence after turning all my lights off quickly and locking my bedroom door and holding my breath as my#mother turns the light on outside to let the dog out and the light between the blinds comes pouring into my rook#on the carpet I see her shadow as she walks past#minutes feel like hours as I wait for her to sulk away back to her cave. I open my bedroom door to sneak away to the bathroom and the light#from the kitchen is visible in the hallway. this feels like a personal attack when you’re a child sneaking around in the late hours. it#feels like we’re two mountain lions claiming territory in this house and you are cornering me in my bedroom just like when I was a child#I am typing this from under three blankets layered over each other to hide the light from my screen (with reduced white point) just in case#my mother walks outside near my window or near my bedroom door.#I feel so connected to my childhood self right now. sitting in the dark room with the only light coming from one window with the blinds draw#n. just the outline of each individual blind. and the light pouring in from under a locked bedroom door. if she knocks you have to answer.#if you don’t answer she will unlock it herself. locks never meant privacy in my home. I remember that clearly.#there was a lock on my childhood bedroom in my house in Maine. locked from the outside not the inside. they could lock me in but I couldn’t#lock anyone out. to be fair I had a habit of getting up in the middle of the night sneaking to the kitchen and eating slices of processed#individually wrapped cheese slices while watching horrifying shows like oobi and the fucking one with the band of four ppl they were all a#different colored instrument#idk anyways. there was a lock on my bedroom on the outside and I remember waking up in the morning before anyone else and playing in my room#and reading and waiting for like a half an hour every morning for someone to wake up and decide they had the energy to come deal with me#so that’s fun. undiagnosed adhd core.#coming out of whatever high trance I just had where I was connected to all of that childhood terror of being seen by my mother. I was afraid#of being caught even though I was doing nothing wrong. I was constantly afraid of something I did not have any reason to be afraid of.#it felt like at any moment I could be wrong place wrong timed with my mother and suddenly feel like the worst person ever. and I’m sure that#demanded a lot of attention and made her pull away from dealing with me I mean she had just lost her job and was running her own business#now and she was stressed and broke and trying to keep it together and I’m sure I was running around under her feet or my brother and I were#arguing but idk I just feel like I don’t remember anything from my childhood and what I do remember is being afraid of everything and is#that some emotional thing or is that just I have been anxious my entire life and no one cared until I was literally trying to kill my sled#self fucking autocorrect#anyways.#I think my mother has gone to bed so I’m going to slink into my own bathroom and maybe throw up a little 👍 I am excited to see what the fuck#I wrote here when I reread it tomorrow
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