#felix pouring his own drink is somehow attractive to me

[yonglixx]

felix having lots of fun and drinks at the GQ Night ♥️

[diavolodigitale]

Righteous Man's Choice

I just needed a way to rant about this goddamn quest that ruins the vicar’s personality, okay? I could’ve just complained somewhere in the comments but instead I chose to write a story that is 20 pages long. And you know what? It has romance in it just because. I didn’t even like Max that much, but my own fanfic changed my mind (now that I am typing it, I truly reazlize how ridiculous it sounds ). 

The events in the story are happening during and after the quest "The Empty Man".

Genres: romance, Hurt/Comfort, Canon Universe, Flirting, Dialogue Heavy, Arguing, One Shot, Philosophy

Pairing: m!Captain/Vicar Max

Characters: m!Captain, vicar Max, Felix Millstone, Parvati Holcomb, Nyoka, Ellie Fenhill

Rating: M for Mexplicit language or something

Time span: SPORADIC MOVEMENT - before finding Reginald Chaney in Fallbrook ONE STEP AHEAD - still before DEVIL IN THE DETAIL - after dealing with Reginald AS THE TABLES TURN - immediately after the Vision Quest in the hermit's meditation chamber BATTLE FOR THE SUN - after you finish the quest TO ALL OF YOU - after you finish the quest

SPORADIC MOVEMENT

“Hey, Max, got a sec?” asked the captain, peeping into vicar’s room.

“Sure, captain. What is it?” said the vicar and put away the book he was perusing.

“In regards to that favor you asked of me…” began the captain awkwardly and stepped inside. “Since we’re almost done with it, I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor in return. You know, to be even.”

“Whatever is on your mind.”

“Oh, it’s nothing special, really. Just a dinner. With you.”

The vicar looked at the captain inquiringly while tapping with his fingers on the book cover.

“Am I to cook something or…?”

“Nope, don’t bother. I just wanted to spend some time together and maybe talk for a while. I like to know who I’m travelling with.”

“Quite a strange thing to ask for. Are all of your companions entitled for a dinner with you, captain?” asked Max with distrust.

“That’s actually the first time it crossed my mind. Consider yourself special,” mysteriously answered the captain of the Unreliable and smiled.

“Let me get this straight, I don’t want any misunderstandings to occur between us. I… am not interested in you, captain. In that way. Does that influence your decision?” said the vicar, remaining composed and calm.

“Not in the slightest. Frankly speaking, I feel like you’re not interested in any human beings, so I can’t say I didn’t expect this. Guess the cloth of yours gets in the way.”

“Your view of religion is quite obsolete. Having relationships has nothing to do with fulfilling the purpose the Grand Architect bestowed upon me. In other words, I can, I just don’t want to.”

“Well then, now I’m intrigued. My offer still stands, and I’ll be seeing you at seven.”

“Then it is set, it seems.”

“I expect you to know where my quarters are.”

  ONE STEP AHEAD

Vicar Max carefully knocked on the door to the captain’s quarters. He was wearing his everyday blue robe and comfortable shoes. Being always weighed down by the armor on the battlefield, aboard the ship he preferred to change into his old comfortable clothing.

A few seconds of silence passed, and he knocked again, this time with more resolve.

“Yes, yes, I can hear you!” rang captain’s voice from the inside of the room.

The vicar slightly opened the door and picked inside.

“May I come in?”

“Yeah, be my guest,” said the captain without turning around. “You’re just in time, I’m arranging the drinks. What do you prefer? Lager, whiskey, mockapple cider…

“Whiskey’s fine.”

“Will do,” said the captain of the Unreliable and poured the Iceberg Aged Whiskey into a glass half-filled with ice cubes. “I’ll have some cider, hope you don’t mind. I feel more confident when I’m only tipsy.”

“Sure. I’m used to drinking alone, so at this point any company is alright.”

“Hey, stop standing in the doorway, come in. You can sit on the bed. As you can see, there’s barely any other furniture in here. Try to make yourself at home though.”

“It’s been a long time since I felt that way. Thank you,” said the vicar and sat down on the edge of captain’s bed that in reality didn’t differ much from the one he had in his room. The captain awkwardly rushed to him and offered a glass of whiskey and a plate of food.

“Here, some fried raptidon meat and… whatever that is. You are free to refuse if you feel like, just remember that I did my best.”

“Thank you.” The vicar took the plate and sniffed the food. The smell wasn’t that bad. He moved sideways a bit to let the captain take a seat beside him. “Don’t consider me rude,” he said carefully, poking the meat on the plate with his fork, “but recently I realized I still don’t know your name. That is an awful omission, isn’t it?”

“I’m Alex Hawthorn, remember?” said the captain airily and drank out of his glass.

“I’ve heard of what happened to the person who bore that name previously, so in these circumstances that’s more of a title. What about your real name? You know mine, it’d be only fair if you told me yours.”

“I see, you can’t be fooled that easily. Then it’s Teru.”

Captain offered his hand to the vicar, so he had to put away the plate to shake it.

“That is a strange one, I must admit, Teru.”

“Isn’t your full name Maximillian?” spitefully mentioned the captain.

“Fair point.”

“It almost amazes me how easily you agree with me, but not with anybody else. That’s one of the things I like about you, by the way.”

“You make it sound like there are even more of them,” said the vicar and took a gulp of whiskey.

“Many more, indeed,” agreed the captain.

“Are you always so keen on strangers, young man? You barely know anything about me, and yet use any given occasion to throw compliments at me.”

“Not really. It only applies to you, vicar. Seems like something is drawing me to you, but I can’t yet figure out what.”

The vicar took notice of the distance between them. There was no more room to move away any further.

“Your words confuse me. Seems like we have already discussed the matter of attraction, and I politely declined whatever it is that you have to offer.”

The captain faced the vicar abruptly. Ice cubes in his glass clanked as he turned around.

“Hey, Max, can you take my confession now? There’s something that’s been bothering me for some time. I’d like to talk about it.”

“Why, of course, any time is fine. But only if it’s not your attempt to change the subject,” said Max strictly and shifted his gaze from the muddy liquid in his glass to captain’s face.

“Believe me, I didn’t even try. It’s just… I don’t like men as a rule, Max, but I like you. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to throw myself at you,” —the captain lifted his hand as a sign of protest—“so we can have a few more drinks before you decide to leave.”

“Your sense of humor is tremendously bad,” hissed the vicar, clearly annoyed. He looked at the captain awaiting any reaction, but the latter didn’t say anything. “It sounds like nonsense, but I’ll believe you this time, be it your way. Although I must say, this being the truth, your taste is quite peculiar. Can’t think of anything you would find interesting in a man like me, especially considering the fact that I’m much older than you.”

“Actually, I’m more than 70 years older than all the crew aboard the Unreliable. Don’t forget about that,” jokingly retorted Teru.

“Ah, you talk of that nonsense again, how amusing. Still trying to persuade me you are one of the colonists from Hope? I hoped we were done with these delirious talks.”

“I would be glad if you trusted me, but if you don’t, it’s also fine, I don’t mind that,” said Teru, dramatically raising his hands. “Someday I’ll be able to prove you wrong, and if it’s not today, I’ll wait till the next opportunity.”

“I’ll be looking forward to that. But back to what I wanted to say. I just don’t quite understand your trail of thought. There are plenty of other people here who are more or less your age and who would be a better match. Take your new friend Felix, for instance.”

“What about him?” asked Teru right into the glass as he intended to drink. This made his voice sound distorted.

“He’s young and very, how do I put it… lively. I’m sure he shares a lot of your… views about societal matters.”

“Mhm,” briefly responded the captain, shaking up the pieces of ice left in the glass.

“What I’m trying to say is that Felix, as an example, of course, has a lot more in common with you and looks fairly good too, as far as I can judge. Why don’t you like him instead?” asked the vicar, his voice displaying sincere interest.

“Felix’s alright,” murmured Teru agreeingly after a short pause.

The conversation arrived at a dead end. Max sighed.

“It’s very obvious when you don’t want to talk about something, so I’ll just leave it for now. What about—”

“Why don’t you offer Ellie as an example?” interrupted Teru.

“Excuse me?”

“Ellie. I believe she’s also quite young and attractive. You don’t bring her up because she annoys the hell out of you, right?”

“Come to think of it… Maybe so,” agreed Max after considering it and made another big sip of whiskey.

“Then you’re not so goodwilled after all, vicar. You pretend to be the foul option and point fingers at those who are more “suitable”, nonetheless judging them by your own taste and not by how good it would be for me. You’re just turning it all around.”

Max furrowed his eyebrows and looked away, feeling the tension.

“You made your point clear, captain. Now we better stop discussing other crew members.”

“As you wish.”

“Only I have one more question before we completely abandon the topic of human relations if you’re okay with that.”

“Yeah, why not.”

Teru put one leg on the bed beneath him, laid his head on his knee, and turned to face Max. The vicar felt quite uncomfortable being so openly stared at.

“Since we’ve established that you’re somehow interested in me, I can’t help myself but wonder… What is it that you like about me?”

“I like it when you lose your temper,” said captain and hid his smile behind the glass, sipping on the cider.

“Seriously? Out of all things?”

“Take it or leave it, vicar.”

“You have my skills, my knowledge and my experience at your disposal, and you pick this? Disappointing,” retorted the vicar and curled his lip.

“What can I say, call me a freak, but a day isn’t a day if I haven’t seen you being pissed off by something.”

“There is not a single thing about you that I understand.”

“The universe works in mysterious ways, Max.”

“So, you do listen to what I say after all,” sighed the vicar, thinking how not all hope was lost.

“Occasionally. Your voice is soothing enough when you’re not yelling.”

“Of that I haven’t heard.”

“Hey, Max, since I’ve answered your questions till now in all honesty, can I expect the same from you?” asked Teru suddenly twitching.

“I’m always honest, there’s no need to ask for that. What is it that you want?”

“Tell me, what do you like about me?”

“Argh…” The vicar rolled his eyes. “Look, I told you already, I have no interest whatsoever in you and alike. Your attempts are pointless and you’re wasting our time with this.”

“Relax, you made yourself quite clear. I just want you to give it a thought, maybe something will come up eventually,” light-heartedly said the captain, swinging the bottle of cider he intended to continue drinking from. “Just for fun. I know you find it infinitely hard, complimenting someone’s personality or decision making, so let’s just stop at appearance.”

“I don’t see what’s so fun about that, but alright. I still owe you, and it won’t be too much of a chore, so...”

“Watching you being obliging really is the best.”

“Can’t believe I’m still listening to this. It must be solely because I’m intrigued by your demeanor,” mumbled Max, irritated. “Being you must feel strange,” he added more calmly.

“Not particularly. Not stranger than being a renegade vicar, I’m sure.”

“I am not a renegade!” yelled the vicar, getting agitated.

“Not yet, not until we’ve translated your little book. Till then you’re just a grumpy middle-aged preacher.”

“Don’t fucking call me that, I told you,” cursed the vicar and drank all the whiskey left in his glass to deal with his resentment. “Never say that fucking word. I would be glad if I could educate your stupid little bunch, only seems you all here are quite far from the point of rescuing, so bearing that name makes no sense to me.”

“Remembering what you told me about your flock in Edgewater, I’m not surprised. You don’t seem like the type of guy who would go to any length to bring enlightenment to the masses. What’s your part in the Grand Plan then?”

“That is yet to be uncovered. If solving the Universal Equation was that easy, I wouldn’t be here travelling with annoying callow youth to find someone who can translate me a damn book that can easily get me in jail. Again.”

“So, now you finally admit that it’s totally illegal and previously you also served your sentence for being involved with heresy?”

“No, I do not,” snapped Max.

“As expected. You can deny it all you want, I’ve already cracked you, vicar. You were a tough cookie, but I’ve beaten worse. Both figuratively and literally.”

“It’s curious how you claim to read people well, and yet have the worst crew possible, assembled by non-other than yourself. A compulsive drinker, an immature idiot, a rusty bucket of circuits and nails, a vexatious space pirate, an empty-headed engineer and, last but not least, me. What on Earth made you take me aboard, captain?”

“Oh, the first time I heard you swear, I immediately knew we would get along well. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Besides, how could I refuse when you were the one asking to join me.”

“There’s no way for me to understand you, captain, but it’s probably for the best,” said Max thoughtfully. “I like this change of decorations. I think, it’ll help me after a few years of dragging my existence in that shithole people call a colony. I’m glad to be here, with you.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

The vicar smirked and filled his now empty glass from a bottle helpfully put beside the bed by the captain some time ago.

Their talk continued till the early morning. The food was left untouched and cold.

        DEVIL IN THE DETAIL

“Captain, there’s something I wanted to discuss with you. It’s about Fallbrook,” said the vicar decisively, stumbling into the captain in the corridor.

“Oh, go on, I’m so anxious to hear what you have to say about it.”

“I wanted to apologize,” said Max and looked away. “I shouldn’t have lied to you. I just… really wanted to get this over with and was ready to do whatever it would take. I thought that only by using you I could get to Reginald.”

“I’m not offended or anything, you use or you’re being used, yadda yadda. I just can’t wrap my head around why you wouldn’t explain everything to me later. I mean, I offered you my help even before knowing about Chaney. I learned everything later anyway,” said Teru at a loss.

“I wasn’t considering it would go this far. Frankly speaking, I didn’t even believe we would find him, but you surpassed my expectations,” said the vicar and smiled bitterly.

“Would you look at that, you can say that, too. I only had to let you murder your former inmate.”

“About that… Seems like I got a bit carried away, captain. I appreciate you not intervening, but something tells me I shouldn’t have given in to that rage.”

“I must disagree. You always hold back, but how do you know it’s the right thing to do?”

“My teaching values patience and striving for self-improvement. The goal of our whole existence is to reach enlightenment and realization of how the Universe works, to solve the Equation that sets it into motion. I don’t think it’s possible to achieve that by eradicating all the people you can’t stand. Just can’t help myself.”

“But you have doubts about your teaching, you look for answers beyond the scope of its knowledge, that’s exactly why we’re doing this whole thing. According to your religion, if your choice was incorrect, the Universe would bring you back to where you belong. The lesson the life would teach you might be harsh, but it’s whatever,” said the captain and vaguely waved his hand. “You were angry and did what you thought was right, I’d do the same if I were you.”

“You merely don’t understand how important it is for me, captain. I was hoping I’d finally found my way. I made enough mistakes in my life, so now every one of them counts. That’s why this situation gets on my nerves.”

“Then I’ll share the burden of your blame,” said the captain, as if it was nothing special for him, “after all, it was me who didn’t stop you. In addition, if your Architect came up with a plan for your life and didn’t even bother to inform you about what you should do, then mistakes are inevitable.”

The vicar hemmed and crossed his arms on his chest.

“I’ve noticed some time ago that you’ve got a habit of saying what people want to hear. Do you even have your own opinion, captain?”

“What makes you think it’s not my opinion?” asked the captain, surprised.

Parvati walked past them and greeted them uncertainly, scared by sudden silence that filled the place with her arrival. The vicar waited for her to disappear behind the corner before answering.

“From time to time I hear bits and pieces of your conversations with other crew members. No matter the circumstances, you always have something consolatory to say. The explanation that I find the most plausible is that you chose bouncing from one opinion to the other as your primary tactics. Speaking with the member of the Board, you tend to agree with their regime, speaking with the iconoclast, you support their ignorance... But what do you have in mind? It always interested me.”

“How did I manage to take such a sly-boots aboard my ship?” wondered the captain with a slight note of approval in his voice. “But, on the other hand, I find it pleasant that now you pay more attention to me.”

“Don’t change the subject, captain, I know it’s also a means of manipulation you enjoy resorting to.”

“There’s simply not much to say here. I go for the better outcome, but if something is against my principles, there’s no way I’m going to do or say that. Is that a good answer?”

“As good as any,” nodded the vicar agreeingly, satisfied with rare display of captain’s sincerity.

“Great to hear that. Did you mull over the thing we discussed?”

“Yes,” nodded Max again, now becoming more tense.

“What’s you answer then? Just don’t tell me you didn’t come up with anything, ‘cause there’s no way I’ll believe that, vicar.”

The vicar dithered a bit before forcing the sounds to come out of his throat.

“Perhaps, I could say that I like… I like your hands. Let it be so.”

Teru’s eyes flickered and he clapped in awe.

“Really? How did you realize that?”

The vicar rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue, annoyed that he had to elaborate on the subject.

“I was just watching you, as always. You were picking a door lock and I happened to notice that your hands were extremely elegant and dexterous. For a brigand.”

“Oh, yeah, I had the feeling you like it when I do that,” said Teru complacently. “Are you bewitched by me already?”

Parvati wanted to return to her room, but seeing the captain and the vicar still standing in the corridor made her reconsider. She thought that her business could wait and decided to make her way back to where she came from.

“I wouldn’t say so. It’s just… hard not to pay attention when you use the lockpick so skillfully. I never succeeded in it,” said Max with detachment in his tone.

“Despite that, I still like your hands as well.”

The vicar spread the fingers on his right hand out in a fan and carefully examined them.

“But there’s nothing special about them.”

“They are strong, stronger than mine. Enough of a reason for me.”

“I used to play tossball when I se… was assigned as a vicar to a prison,” said Max, a little confused and not knowing how to react to captain’s words.

“I remember you mentioning that. Did you know that I used to be the token of the team? What a coincidence, right?”

“Yes, what were the odds…”

“I like holding on to your hand when you’re helping me get up after I fall down as I tend to do sometimes,” said the captain in a soft voice, squinting a bit. A sly smirk slowly appeared on his lips. “Actually, I like it so much, that at times I have to be even more clumsy than usual, just to experience it once more.”

“Are you being serious, captain?” asked the vicar, perplexed.

“Do I look like I’m joking? You know what I’m capable of, what’s with all the amazement,” said the captain and hemmed. “And don’t you worry, right now I’m saying exactly what I wanted to say,” he added with the same sly smirk.

“You are so persistent, even though I already told you I have no interest in close relations,” said Max, pretentiously irritated. “I wouldn’t want you to waste your time on some old vicar.”

“Well, you noticed me, that’s a good start. You observed me so closely, in fact, that you already know me better than any other person on the Unreliable, so I’m definitely not the one wasting my time here. And you’re not as old as you want me to think, I know that for a fact. Do you have any other objections?”

“…No, captain, I don’t,” said Max to mitigate further arguments.

“And stop calling me captain, I don’t even navigate the ship. Did you ask my name never to use it after that? That would be typical of you, Max.”

  AS THE TABLES TURN

“What… what happened? I feel like my brains are leaking out…”

Teru scratched the back of his head and looked around. They were still in hermit’s closet and the air was stiff from incenses.  

“You passed out, captain,” said the vicar worriedly while squatting down beside him. “Felix and I here were really worried. Are you feeling well?”

“Yes, of course, everything went just as I planned, under my control.” The captain of the Unreliable stood up and leaned on the wall to keep his balance. “And how are you? The things they said… I can’t imagine what’s going through your head after that.”

“I feel like a new man, actually. Now, thanks to their exhortations, everything makes sense to me,” stated the vicar, being unbelievably calm. Teru looked at him distrustfully. For him, it wasn’t a healthy reaction of a person whose whole life was called pretentious and illusory.

“And you got the answers to your questions? You look kinda weird,” he said, not quite sure of what to make of vicar’s state of mind.

“I don’t need those answers anymore,” confessed Max. “Instead, I finally realized that the questions I asked were wrong to begin with.”

Teru had never seen his face being so peaceful. In any other circumstances vicar’s words would make him happy, but his current behavior seemed too unnatural and at times even intimidating.

“Wait, are you saying… that you now agree with them? But that’s just bullshit!” retorted Teru.

“Captain, you don’t have to worry about me anymore,” said Max and smiled encouragingly in an attempt to make the captain calm down. “I know, I gave you all a hard time, but from now on it’s going to be different. My behavior was unacceptable, and you are the first one whom I want to ask for forgiveness for that.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about? What hard time?”

“My inclination to “violent enthusiasm” made me look like a madman quite a few times. I was foolish enough to consider everyone around me responsible for my sorrows, and it made me even angrier. But now I can see quite clearly, that there was no destination from the start. The world does not obey any laws at all, so what I did my whole life was pointless. Realizing that… brought me peace of mind,” said Max unhurriedly and smiled softly.

“I don’t even know what makes me feel worse, these terrible drugs or your delirious rambling. Stop it,” snarled the captain, not wanting to accept the changes in his companion’s worldview.

“That’s exactly what I said. Now he’s even weirder than he used to be, it freaks me out,” added Felix from the corner he was resting in. “It’s good that you’re back with us, cap, ‘cause being here with him was just… ugh.”

“You’ll need some time to get used to it,” said the vicar, still smiling tranquilly. “I’m sure, you’ll be much better off without my lectures about the Universal Equation and other religious dogmas.”

“What do you mean by that? Are you leaving or what?” asked the captain with apprehension. His eyes bugged out as he was staring at the vicar.

“Only if you want me to. Right now, I’m only saying that I’m no longer a vicar of the Order of Scientific Inquiry. Luckily, that time in my life came to an end.”

“Because you smoked weed and your hallucination lectured you for living your life in a wrong way?” yelled captain instead of asking.

“That’s not what I…”

“It is, Max. I’m in no mood to continue listening to this. See you outside.”

Teru made an effort to push himself away from the wall, and, declining the hand the vicar offered to help, left the room. Without saying anything, Felix followed him, leaving Max alone in the grip of his contemplations.

BATTLE FOR THE SUN

Carrying a bottle of mockapple cider in one hand and all his courage in the other, vicar Max approached the door to captain’s quarters. He took a deep breath and knocked.

There was silence.

He knocked again. Silence once more.

“Captain, may I come in?” he asked, drawing his face closer to the door crack for his voice to reach Teru.

There was no answer.

The vicar tightened his grip on the neck of the bottle. A tiny bit of light could be seen under the door.

“I’m entering,” he said briefly and opened the door.

The captain was sitting at his table, right in front of the huge window with a view over the vast abyss of space. He was wearing his reading glasses and holding a newly found datapad with the information about the Board’s plans.

“Am I interfering?” asked the vicar, closing the door behind him.

“Huh?” The captain turned around and looked at him inquiringly, but almost immediately after that returned to examining the datapad. “No, it’s fine. Is it something urgent?”

“I wouldn’t say so. I just wanted to thank you for your help,” said the vicar, not yet venturing further into the room.

“No need for that,” snapped back Teru.

“I disagree. You went through a lot of trouble to fulfil my selfish wish, so gratitude is the least you deserve after that,” pushed the vicar. His hand was still holding tight onto the bottle.

“Don’t mind it. You weren’t a burden for me or anything… I helped because I wanted to, so you don’t owe me anything. Since your search is over now, you can leave the ship whenever you feel necessary. After all, you got what you joined us for,” slowly said the captain, not averting his attention from reading.

Something snapped in vicar’s head. For him it turned out to be the last straw.

“Right,” he muttered and slammed the bottle onto the tray with other spirits, “Grand Architect knows, that’s not how I hoped it would go. But you want it the hard way, don’t you.”

“What are you—” The captain made an attempt to ask a question, but Max was already behind his chair. Gripping tight to the collar of his dressing gown, the vicar pulled him closer, forcing him to get up from the chair. The moment the captain of the Unreliable stood up, Max pushed him to the table, still holding him by the collar and now blocking his way out.

“You piss me off so fucking much, captain, I can’t stand it. I’m trying to become a better person, and you sit here in your quarters all offended and resentful and ignore my presence,” he hissed.

“So why did you come here in the first place if I piss you off so much?” maliciously asked the captain, leaning on the table behind him.

“I thought you’d want another favor for helping me. So, I decided to take the lead.”

“I don’t need anything, vicar, thank you for worrying,” reluctantly said the captain and turned away.

Having a hard time holding back, Max shook the captain by his collar and gritted his teeth. The leg he moved forward wasn’t letting Teru move an inch.

“On the second thought though, I’d really like to know where these sudden changes in behavior came from,” said the captain, looking up at the vicar. “I could swear you were a new man, and there was no way I’d see these fits of rage again.”

“And what’s your take on this?” angrily asked Max, with no intention to wait for an answer. “I thought it was obvious that a regular trip couldn’t change a person so drastically. I wanted to grow, but, as you can see, I failed. And it’s your fault, Teru.”

“Is it my fault because I told you to embrace yourself and not look for excuses? Or because I wanted to support you in your endeavors? Go on”—the captain shook his head with the air of defiance—“I’m listening.”

“It’s your fault because you…”—the vicar tightened his grip on captain’s collar and tried to gather his thoughts—“diminished my confidence. I thought, my place in the Universe was predetermined, but you made me doubt it. And I fucking hate having doubts. My whole life consists of doubting, and instead of making some of them go away, you just made it worse. What I heard in that room made me think, what if I was wrong all along? That was the only adequate reason why I was in such a state. Perhaps, my destiny is simply my fantasy. In your opinion, captain, what’s then?”

“Then you’re here ‘cause you wanted to be here, vicar. If it wasn’t the Universe that put this damn robe on you, then you did yourself. You didn’t want to be an average worker, and neither did I and many others, so you chose what you saw best. Is it really so hard to realize?”

“But if there’s no Grand Plan, what’s the point? Why would I be who I am if I’m not doing it for some greater good? If the world is just chaos, and not order, as I assumed… Simply agreeing that I was wrong wasn’t the hard part. It spared me from my eternal tormenting. Realizing how it all works, however…”

“You’re making me go insane. Let go of me, my back hurts from standing like this,” said the captain, and the vicar released him from his grip. Teru jumped up on the table behind him and made himself comfortable. “If you want to know my opinion, I don’t think that our complex world could appear from chaos out of sheer luck, I think there’s more to it than that. If you Equation does exist then it’s obvious that the Universe doesn’t do anything to snap you out of the place you’re in now, so let’s assume that you really are a vicar and you’re aim is to carry the “light of truth”. Who cares if your order is a tool of corporate supremacy, we’ve seen worse, that’s not the point here. It’s not what they tell you to think that is important, but how you interpret your teaching. Maybe this religion is far from perfect, but do the words about survival of the fittest or science being the moving force of progress sound nonsensical to you? It gets something right, but getting to the bottom of everything else is your job. If you stop doubting everything you know, rummaging in heretical works so selflessly and adapting it all to your vision, then who’s gonna do it?” The captain adjusted the glasses on his nose and paused for a few seconds. “Do you even get what I’m saying? I already feel confused by my own words.”

“It all sounds much simpler when you put it that way,” said the vicar broodingly.

“There’s nothing complicated about it. If the world were just chaos, our existence would be meaningless, and that’s the last thing I would want. There’s nothing wrong with finding the meaning in not in pointless wandering but in reaching some better purpose. You’re the one who always goes on about how the Plan includes numerous possibilities and ways, so sooner or later you’ll arrive at your destination point. Who even cares, Max. You’re not in the house of your laborer parents, not in Edgewater, not in prison, you’re on my ship so you can do whatever you want, just, for Universe’s sake, stop being a creep. Curse and resent like you used to do or, I swear, I’ll kick you out. I want to see adequate human emotions, not an android with a circuit for a brain.”

The vicar let out a chuckle, but then immediately asserted himself under captain’s gaze. Having his reading glasses on, he looked almost serious.

“And what better purpose does the captain have?” asked Max.

“Right now, my better purpose is finding a better purpose,” said the captain proudly. The vicar still looked to him as though something troubled him and it made the captain feel uneasy. “There’s something else that’s bothering you, isn’t it? What I told you. What’s on your mind? This time I’ll take your confession. Come on, I swear not to let anybody in on what you say, etc., etc.”

“I’ll be honest, when you told me you liked me, I was flattered,” answered the vicar.

“…and then you realized that you loved me all along?” giggled the captain.

“No, thanks the Grand Architect, that’s not what happened,” said the vicar, rolling his eyes.

“Good. It would be extremely boring. So, what about now? I bet you’re scared that I’d want something from you for my help.”

“Don’t say it like you’re in the position to make me do something I don’t want to. We’re all grownups here, and we all know who’s stronger.”

“Oh, seems like you weren’t being bitter about our age difference right now. Missed opportunity.”

The vicar pursed his lips and disapprovingly glanced upon the captain sitting in front of him.

“To cut the long story short, I didn’t intend to react to your words in any way. But your idiotic strategy worked after all,” said the vicar and sighed tiredly.

“I don’t remember having any strategy. What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that you didn’t need to do anything special. I just did what you told me to – looked closer. And it was enough for me to realize… that there’s no place for you in my life.”

Vicar’s last words sounded a bit threateningly. It made Teru fidget on the table.

“Eh, seems like we’re straying further and further away from the topic, don’t you think?” he mumbled uncertainly.

“Shut up and listen,” said the vicar forcefully, “I hate being interrupted. I knew immediately, my destination did not allow for you to be a part of my life. My problems could not be solved and it drove me mad, especially when you were sticking out like a sore thumb all the time.”

“What a shame,” mumbled Teru quietly.

“And now you have also become an obstruction on my way to self-improvement. Because of you I’m getting angry all the time, and the Universe is once again full of enigmas I was so close to solving. The only conclusion that can be drawn from all this is that you have to be punished for what you did.”

Carefully yet confidently the vicar laid his hand on captain’s knee. His eyes were closely observing the facial expression of that one in front of him.

“I feel like this talk dragged on for too long. At which point of the confession is it already considered acceptable to move on to drinking?” asked the captain carelessly, casting a sidelong look at the cider bottle and intentionally ignoring what was happening.

“How fucking annoying can you be,” retorted the vicar spitefully, violently grabbed the captain by his chin and pulled his face closer. “It would be only fair if you had to tolerate the way you made me be.”

“Hey, you were already like this when we met,” chortled Teru a few millimeters away from Max’s face. “It’s not fa—”

The vicar knew exactly what he wanted to say so considered letting him finish the phrase a waste of time. Not trying to hold back, he moved closer and kissed the captain, gripping his thigh tightly. Even applying all the strength he had, the captain wouldn’t be able to resists Max’s drive. Instead, relieved to know that the vicar remained the person he wanted him to be, he gave in to the opportunity, locked his hands behind his back and let out a loud breath.

The vicar heard the pulsation in his ears and felt it was hard for him to think straight. He opened his eyes a bit in an attempt to regain the composure. Right in front of him the captain was squeezing his eyes shut behind the barrier of his reading glasses. Smirking, Max stroked his thigh lightly before reaching out and taking the glasses off. They already left red markings on the bridge of his nose.

“I’ve noticed that after you claimed to be interested in me,” started the vicar, moving away from Teru’s face, “you stopped flirting with every other stranger.”

“Did I do that?”

“You have the courage to look me in the eyes and ask such a question? Don’t try to provoke me, young man. In every colony there was at least a dozen people you would flirt with.”

“Did that irritate you?”

“It didn’t. But now if I think of it, I get the urge to put a leash on you,” said the vicar, perhaps, more seriously than he should’ve.

“Like on an animal?”

“Indeed.”

“You know, Max, it’s ironical how the only animal here is you. Look,”—Teru gripped his lower lip and turned it inside out—“you were so brutal that now my lip’s bleeding. What are you going to do about that?”

“You can always ask Ellie for help. She’s a medic after all,” mused Max, pressing on the wounded lip with his finger.

“Something tells me that if I do that, I’ll get in a more serious trouble than this.”

“You’re quite a fast learner, captain. Don’t do anything to enrage the beast and you’ll be fine,” said Max and smirked.

The captain grinned and leaned back on his elbows.

“So… got any plans for tonight?” he asked nonchalantly.

“I was… thinking about moving somewhere more comfortable. The bed would do nicely.”

Teru raised his eyebrows in surprise and sent a long glance at the vicar.

“My weak knee is at it again.”

“You really are o—”

“Don’t you even dare.”

  TO ALL OF YOU

Felix entered the kitchen in search of some lager left and forgotten in the fridge. Most of the crew gathered there, looking for some ways to spend their free time, but the atmosphere seemed different from usual. At the table in the center of the room the vicar and the captain were sitting and discussing something.

“Max, I got a little problem, just don’t get all riled up. This thing… I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said the captain and pouted.

“Are you fucking pulling my leg right now? We’ve been on it for half an hour and I’ve already explained it to you twice,” growled the vicar at him and landed his hand on the open book laying between them.

“Yeah, well, would you be so kind as to do it again? I promise to try harder.”

Everybody in the room held their breath, awaiting the catastrophe. The vicar sighed.

“Okay, listen here. When we speak about…”

Everybody remained still.

“Oh, wow,” mumbled Parvati.

“Oh, wow,” echoed Felix, having forgotten the reason he came here for.  

“I didn’t even know there was such an option,” went on Parvati with an upset expression on her face.  

“Does this mean he’s finally sane and I can persuade him that Backers are better than Darlings?” asked Felix anticipatingly. The question was most likely not directed at anybody in particular.  

“No, honey, I believe this new privilege is unlocked only by our captain,” said Nyoka and thrusted a bottle of lager upon him.

“You know what they say,” said Ellie, strolling past them, “if a man’s being a dick all the time, he just needs to get…”

“Ellie!” yelled Nyoka, covering Parvati’s ears with her hands.

“Oh, no… now the mental picture of it will haunt me forever,” complained Felix and drank out of his bottle while staring blankly in front of himself.

[ruritto]

Hello ahhh I know everyone is on the prisoner felix bandwagon but but omg I found you when you posted about the jealous sylvain and everyone loving felix and thats just ahhhh perfect!! And I cant find any good fics like that and just if you are still doing prompts I would love to read more about it or if you want to expand on that or just SOMETHING I would love you I mean I already love you with all the sylvainxfelix you post but anyway I'm sorry to bother you and or if I dont make sense sorry

Skdlnglag anon please come to me any time you want to talk about that cause Jealousy fics are *chef kiss* anyway lemme try

~~

Sylvain isn't gonna lie. When Professor Byleth chose their class he was very happy. The professor was unbeliavably attractive after all. Not to mention she really is an amazing teacher and a kind person. So yes, Sylvain was happy, the whole class was, so he was even willing to look pass the whole crest thing. Particularly Dimitri, who Sylvain is amused to see looks absolutely smitten with the professor, and even Felix who proceeded to ask for a spar everytime they had free time (Sylvain has needed to patch up his friend more time in the last few months, proving the professor's skill).

When students from the other Houses started transferring in, well, sure it was surprising but hey, they all got along and the girls who transferred were all beautiful women he was more than willing to get to know.

But then...

It starts with Dorothea. While his interactions with her haven't quite been... positive, he finds himself wincing as he watches her approach Felix while his training. He has to appreciate her guts. She may be husband hunting and the Fraldarius might be a good snag but to actually approach Felix...

Huh.

Sylvain pauses. Somehow... the thought doesn't sit well with him.

'It's just, I know Felix. It's not something he'd want' He thinks to himself with a shake of his head. And knowing his dear friend he'd offend Dorothea.

Grinning he enters the training grounds in time to watch the show. Felix of course rejects her invitation and outright shoos hee. He winces but can't help but snicker at the expected outcome, earning a frown from Dorothea as she passes. He's about to apologize for his friend and offer his own company when a noise of disgust from Felix stops him from following her,

"Must all of you interrupt me?" He demands.

Sylvain is chuckling and approaching before he even realizes he's doing it, "Aw, come on. And here I was being a good friend and inviting you to dinner,"

Rolling his eyes, Felix turns away to continue his training but Sylvain throws an arm over his shoulder, "Hey!"

"Come on! I'm hungry and I know you actually want to try the dish at the dining hall," he says physically dragging his friend, thankful for the height advantage and the fact the training sword is blunted. Felix still punches him in the side though, but only to demand he return his equipment and shower before their meal.

He winks at Dorothea as they pass, feeling oddly smug.

~

He'd thought that would be the last of it. After all, Felix is prickly and harsh at the best of times, outright cruel sometimes. But apparently the new students of their class are as immune as the rest of the Blue Lions.

He watches as both Annette and Mercedes spend more time with Felix, Mercedes actually once petting the swordsman's blue hair (The sight made him clench his fists to stop from grabbing Mercedes's wrist, the urge surprising him into inaction long enough for the two to walk out of sight).

He's seen Lysithea trying to force cakes at Felix and had considered warning her off only to see the two actually enjoying the sweet treats together a few weeks later. (He was honestly so surprised he could only stand there, eyes transfixed on Felix eating the cake)

Even scared little Bernie who had ran from Felix the first few weeks she'd joined their class now approached him to chat happily! (Something in his gut twisted horribly as he watched Felix listen to her attentively. It's odd... Usually Sylvain would be the one chasing down Felix not Felix chasing someone else)

Something snaps (and even he isn't aware what it is) when he goes to the training grounds to join Felix, knowing the other would be the only one crazy enough to start training this early. He can't help but shake his head in amusement because really? Did he miss Felix that much that he's waking up to train???

Except his plans are ruined as he comes in to the sight of Felix and Dorothea, already about finished sparring.

Felix had an amused smile on his face and Sylvain feels like someone poured freezing water on him. He plasters a smile on his face and makes his presence known.

"Well well, this is a surprise," he says, strutting forward, "Didn't expect you to get caught up in this guy's insane training,"

Dorothea shrugs, "We've come to an understanding,"

And what? What did that mean? He almost wants to ask but Felix butts in.

"Are we getting tea or are you two continuing to flirt?"

There's something in the way Dorothea glances from him to Felix then back that he feels he should worry about but he shakes it off raising an eyebrow at his friend. Felix wasn't really a tea person, as far as Sylvain knew he's only ever joined when it was the professor that asks, but those tea sessions were special. Odd but he could go with it.

Then the girl is wrapping her arms around Felix's surprising even him. "Fine, fine, you're right. See you Sylvain,"

Sylvain blinks. Oh. Them. The two of them were having tea. Not including him.

Felix shrugs and allows Dorothea to drag him away to tea.

"What.." he mutters as Dorothea throws a wink at him over her shoulder, just before the door shuts behind them, "What in Seiros' name!?"

Sylvain stands there for what feels to him like hours, confused. The twisting in his gut is uncomfortable know and Sylvain's brows furrows in confusion. Anger?.. No it wasn't that..

Then...

Jealousy??

But, he wonders, what is he jealous of??? That Felix got to have tea with Dorothea??? Why would he be jealous of that???

The answer hits him like one of Dimitri's over powerful punches.

Oh. He's jealous that Dorothea got to have tea with Felix. He's jealous Lysithea got to share her cakes with Felix. That Bernadetta cuaght Felix's attention enough to be chased down by Felix.

He can practically hear Felix's scoff of 'Moron' as his knees fold on him and he buries his reddening face in his hands.

When the hell did he fall for Felix!?

~~

Confused and despodent Sylvain spends the day in the bar. Both he and the barmaids are shocked he barely pays them attention but he's too busy thinking about his revelation. What exactlt was he supposed to do after realizing he's probably in love with his best friend!?

Same best friend that ladies were now realizing was a catch.

The thought frustrates him because he's always known Felix was kind behind his cruel words. Always known Felix's training was to be strong enough to protect. He was the one Felix used to run to...

'Used to...' he groans and decides wallowing here drinking is doing nothing for him, making his way back to the monastery.

Of course, karma is out to get him and he bumps into Dorothea and Felix on his way back to his room.

Did they spend the whole day together??

The thought brings back his annoyance even as he watches Felix's expression go from flushed and surprised to confused to annoyed.

"Really, Sylvain? The bar? You really spent the whole day chasing skirt-"

Oh! Oh that was it! Sylvain did not spend the entire day in an existential crisis to be told that.

He scoffed, "Do you really have room to say that, Felix?"

Confusion before Felix realizes Dorothea is right beside him (the girl has smacked a palm across her face, which what??), and then Sylvain isn't even going to blame it on being drunk, as he stands there and does nothing as Felix's fist meets his face.

He groans, the force knocking him down.

"You!" Felix growls, "You utter imbecile! You're the one I-"

Biting down on his words Felix glares at him before stomping off, grumbling under his breath.

Well... fuck. He's really messed it up hadn't he?

"Well fuck Sylvain, you've really messed it up," Still clutching his cheek he looks up at Dorothea, "And after I've set it up perfectly too!"

What?

Sylvain is slightly drunk, and Felix's fist might have caused temporary brain damage but he's fairly certain the girl isn't making sense.

Crouching down before him, Dorothea gives him a look that tells him she thinks he's an absolute idiot. Which... okay fair. But nothing was making sense!

"Felix is in love with you, dummy," she sighs as if it's the most obvious thinf in the world (It is not! He would notice!), "I finally managed to get him to think it's a possibility considering how you reacted earlier when I asked him to tea,"

Oh.

"You boys are pretty dense," Dorothea states then thinks it over, "Well you are. Felix just follows your lead to much on this."

He flushes at the thought of Felix liking him.

And then promptly blanches.

Oh!

He's stumbling up, managing not to knock Dorothea over as he takes off running after Felix.

"Thanks Dorothea!" He yells back, "FELIX!! FELIX WAIT UP!!!!"

~~

Catching up to Felix is a pain, and Sylvain is fairly certain he's dying.

Bent in half and panting, he's thankful he's stronger than Felix as the other tries to pull a bony wrist free from his grip.

Frustrated with the struggling, he takes one last gulp of air before throwing himself forward to catch Felix by the waist and hauling him up, face buried in his shoulder.

"What the hell, Sylvain!? You brute! Let go!" Felix demands.

Ignoring the slaps to his head, Sylvain tightens the hug, "I'm so so so sorry Felix," he starts, "I was being a jealous idiot. And then I was too dumb to even realize I was being jealous," Felix's stopped struggling now, looking at him in surprise, "And then I didn't know what to do and said that just cause I was jealous you were with Dorothea,"

He must look pitiful enough because all he earns is a light headbutt, "Yes you were being a moron. Why would you think I'd be interested in her anyway?"

Fair question. Felix has never shown interest in a woman. Which considering all that was revealed makes warmth bubble in his stomach.

His hold has loosened now allowing Felix back on his feet. The other stays close though grumbling against his shoulder, "It's always just been you... Our promise..."

Ah. That promise..

"I'm dumb," he says again, "I'm sorry,"

"Hmph, you're lucky I love you..." was said quiet enough he almost missed it, and then a louder, "I'm still going to kick your ass in training for being an imbecile,"

~~

Uh. So yeah. Idk???? Hope you like it????

[regressionanxiety]

Dr. No (1964)

I am watching all of the James Bond movies, they are very bad and I love them. These are some of my thoughts as I watch, it’s basically a recap so you know, spoilers...

It starts with some murdering. James Bond is called into work, goes through the waiting room and meets with M.  He gets a new gun because M insists, he’s very proud that under his leadership 00-deaths have gone down. Moneypenny is the best as always.

James Bond arrives in Jamaica and is instantly spotted, of course he is, he is after all, the worst spy. He is looking for a Taxi, but there is a driver waiting for him. Not at all suspicious. Bond makes a phone call. Is being spied on. Then goes to the car, and tells the driver to “just take me for a ride.” I know he’s just stalling, but I will use this line as support for my argument that James Bond is a chaotic bisexual. 

Now Bond points his gun at his driver, questioning him, as he well should. The driver kills himself with cyanide hidden in a cigarette. Bond takes the car and drives to wherever he’s going, dead guy in the back seat. Tells a person when he arrives: “'sergeant, make sure he doesn’t get away.”

He  drinks and puts out snooper traps in his room before he goes out to investigate his case futher. Chatting with some men, being his very best Miss Marple her, non threathening, pleasant conversationalist, even when the topic is grim. He’s directed to a man with a boat, Quarrel, who doesn’t want to talk to Bond and gives him some sass (everyone should give Bond sass) and turns him away. Bond, of course, isn’t deterred and approaches the man just as he’s having a bear. Now he wants to talk, because it’s private. They go into a storage room of some kind. The man has a knife and the guy at the bar (I think), grabs bond from behind. Bond easily throws them both into some neatly stacked (and empty) Red Stripe cartons, product placement or just an attempt to convince us that we’re really in Jamaica right now?

Bond thinks he has the upper hand now, but no! The man from the airport (not the dead driver - this isn’t that kind of movie) with his sunglasses is there, and he has a gun! 

“gently, gently, let’s not get exited” the man says. With those sunglasses it’s hard not to mister. They are talking suits, like real gents. The other guy is CIA, and his name is Felix Leiter. They’re friends now, with drinks (and i’m sure fucking - those sunglasses can only mean one thing). Underneath the mango tree plays.

A woman takes their picture, now they need to get her. They question her a bit, Bond destroys her film, but gives her the camera back, they send her off. She calls them rats and says they’ll be sorry. 

Bond learns about an island Crab Key (?) owned by a Chinese guy, apparently Quarrel and missing guy Strangways went there to collect geological samples. Locals won’t go near it, some have and never came back. They know very little of the man, except that his name is the titular Dr. No.

Bond is exiting a taxi, and the men who dealt with Strangways earlier are back, sneaking around with a gun pointed at Bond, but a car roars by and they miss their chance at an easy assassination.  

Bond is talking to a professor Dent (one of the men he chattet with about Strangways before) about the geological samples from Strangways, he claims to have thrown them away because they weren’t anything. Bond is batting his eyelashes and being his best Miss Marple again. He knows the man is a liar!

Prof. Dent goes straight to a boat to get to Crab Key. These bad guys are really dumb. Anyway; crab key is guarded by men with big guns. 

Very dramatic room. The professor is being berated by a disembodied voice for coming during daylight hours, stricktly forbidden. This still isn’t that kind of movie, but Dr. No is clearly a vampire. There’s a spider in a cage on a table. If guns don’t work on Bond, try spider bites?

Bond is back in his room. Checks his intruder revealers and as expected they have been disturbed. He wants some vodka, throws ice in a glass, opens the bottle, thinks twice, sniffs it, then puts it back down and opens a drawer and pulls out another bottle. Uses this instead. I’m not sure why that bottle would be safer, unopened and sealed somehow?

Ruh roh! Someone feels a little spidey! Bond killed it, his first murder in this film! 

Bond gest a package, finds that the files on Crab Key are missing, sets up a date with a secretary (the stunning miss Taro) he caught eavesdropping. Business as usual. His package was a geiger counter? He checks some samples with his pals Leiter and Quarrel, and yes, they are radioactive. The professor is a liar! Gasp! Who knew! Now they must go to Crab Key, but in the night, after his date. But wait! there’s a note for him at the hotel reception. He calls miss Taro, she wants him to come to her and gives him some directions, a car starts following him, trying to drive him off the road? Oh noe, a crane or something is in the road, what will Bond do? His little car goes under, the bigger car that follows? Not so much, goes over and burns up. 

“How did it happen?” The man who has the crane thing asks. “I think they were on their way to a funeral,” Bond replies.

He finally arrives at Miss Taro’s, shes just out of the shower, drying her hair, while wearing a tight toweldress???? Clearly not expecting him. He kisses her, and she protests. 

The phone rings. She promises to try to keep him there. He really does seem to be a terrible kisser. They fuck. He pretends to want italian food so he calls a taxi, despite getting there by car. She is confused, he kisses her again to distract. Then the car comes, and she’s arrested. She spits in his face, which he deserves. He goes into her house again, creates a scene: pours some drinks, leaves his jacket, puts on a song (underneath the mango tree, again), goes into the bedroom and uses a pillow to make it look like someone is in it. Then he waits.

The professor walks through the door and shoots up the pillow. They have a chat. Bond shoots him. Then meets up with Quarrel to go on to the island. Makes a quip about it being a break from being a clay pigeon, but I somehow I doubt it. Leister is worried offers to go instead, but Bond refuses him. 

Wait, why is bond asleep on the beach? Was that the plan? Did I miss something?

Ah, the bikini. It isn’t a very good one is it? They’re hiding from guards with guns now. Bond promises he’s no threat to this woman, Honey Ryder, but we all know that’s a lie. They must hide, they’ve been spotted on radar. They get shot at, the woman’s boat is ruined so she has to tag along. They sneak up some kind of river I think. Almost get caught, but don’t, hiding under water using reeds as breathing tubes. Honey claims Dr. No killed her father, a marine biologist, who came to Crab Key to never be seen again.

Now she’s telling Bond about how she killed her landlord (who raped her) via spiderbite. It took him a week to die. Bond just pouts at her, probably knows he might have deserved that spiderbite earlier...

The rumored dragon is nearby, and Bond, who knows it isn’t actually a dragon, wants to see it. 

they’re captured, Quarrel is dead, and claimed to be contaminated. Geiger counters going wild! They need to be hosed down. Then they’re put in very nice quater and treated as guests. because why not. They have some coffee, it’s drugged and they pass out. Bond breaks a perfeclty good cup in the process - that brute. A mysterious figure, with shiny latexy gloves takes a look at Bond in bed. Dr. No presumably, he lifts the cover a little before we cut to the next scene. Sean Connery really isn’t that attractive Dr. just kill him already!

I’ve always wanted an evil lair. Finally the elusive Dr. No is revealed. Are you a good Bond villain if you don’t have a physical disability? It appears that he doesn’t have hands, because of errors in his work or something. He finds Bond a worthy adversary or some such. Bond has Honey sent away from the dinner table - ostensibly to save her. Dr. No quickly realizes that Bond is in fact just a policeman, not smart enough to join his criminal gang after all, SPECTRE (Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) has no need for the likes of Bond, though if they did he’d prefer the revenge department. He is apparently being tortured, we don’t get to see that, but his clothes are ruined when we next see him in a cell he quickly escapes from by going into the pipes that keep this underwater facility with air. He falls down one of them and gets to take his shirt off. Oh no! Water rushes in and Bond must hold on! 

He gets out, finds his way into a radiation suit (stylish, with a very square hood, he looks like a Doctor Who villain in an episode where they ran out of budget) and infiltrates a control room! They’re talking about a vehicle and say the word radiation a lot. Bondis trying to figure out how to sabotage their sabotage (of a rocket launch). Big science words! No time to think for Bond, just punch everyone! Chaos! Alarms blaring, abort abort! 

Bond vs Dr. No. Bond wins and Dr. No goes down in what may be boiling radioactive water? Doesn’t seem like a delicious way to go. Everyone is fleeing the facility, Bond somehow finds Honey and frees her (she’s tied up on some ramp with water coming in, were they going to let the tide drown her? This is not how you kill people effectively). 

Lots of footage of people fleeing, flinging themselves into the ocean etc. Bond and Honey get a boat, the facility goes boooooooooooom! 

The boat runs out of fuel, and Bond and Honey settle in to wait for rescue, Leiter show up and start to give them a tow, but Bond lets the rope go so he and Honey can fuck. Leiter shakes his head and smiles at them in an overbearing manner. 

THE END

[gabis2r]

#6 Drunk Anti headcanon fic thing

@anothermarkiplierfan posted I wonder what Anti’s like when he’s drunk. 

It hit a sweet spot...  I need to talk about this. I’m inspired.

This began as headcanon and became fic.  Don’t know why.   But I got inspired at the thought of a drunken Anti.  

No real warnings.  It’s Anti so, no rainbows, but it’s fairly safe.  It’s LONG though. Grab snacks.

I feel the only place Jack would get drunk enough for this to be an issue is after hours at PAX with his friends. Or maybe after the Revelmode Charity stream in Brighton in December.  

Imagine him sitting in a room with Mark and Felix, playing shot Cards Against Humanity or shot Would You Rather with the camera rolling in the corner for later editing.  The girls in another, more adult room, drinking and sharing funny stories about lamenting their lives with Youtubers.

Initially Jack’s buzzing and getting increasingly funny as his social filter slowly erodes with the alcohol killing off signals from his frontal lobe; his conscience. Felix and he are roasting Mark for not being able to drink, but he hasn’t realised that the Viking in the room has challenged his Irish Celt pride. They’re competing.

There comes a point - and Jack feels it happen - that tilts his perception.  A stage jump into the next level of drunk. Tunnel vision.  He knows this one, it’s his cue to stop drinking, but his inhibitions are down, there’s a Viking to compete with and he’s not making the best decisions right now. Despite his vision being blurred around the edges he’s still having a riot with his friends. Sober Mark’s running circles around the pair of them and Felix is so drunk that he’s more of a car crash than usual and it’s the funniest fucking shit.  He’s sore from laughing so hard. He’s blaming the itchy eye on his blurred vision.

The tipping point only happens when he moves.  He reaches forward to pour himself another drink and the room lurches around him.  Everything greys as he fights a sudden hot rush of nausea.  He tells himself not to vomit, but this is different.  It’s not the drink that’s rising, it’s something worse.  He tries to fight it back and gain control, but he’s fucking paralytic so control isn’t his strong point. He’s fucked and he knows it.  It’s stronger, it’s claiming control and he’s weak from the alcohol.  He belts out a panicked “God, I’m sorry!” to his friends then laughs.

The laugh is gut churning and Mark is instantly on his feet.  Felix explodes into laughter at the absurdity of what just happened, but Mark’s not laughing. Mark’s not even smiling.  He’s slowly backing away from Jack’s seat and trying to silently hand gesture Felix to be quiet.  Felix is too drunk to figure it out until Mark asks Jack where Jack is.  

“Jack’s taking a timeout.”  He pops up into a crouch, pounce-ready, and giggles maniacally, “I’m here now.”

“Anti?” Mark asks.

“Bullshit!” Felix snorts, but the joke dies in his mind as he finally gets his eyes to focus enough to see that Jack isn’t simply a sickly shade, but the air around him is… muddy, it’s dark, swimming somehow.  But he knows he’s drunk so refuses to trust what he’s seeing. How can he trust his brain’s interpretation of Jack’s eyes?  They can’t be real.  They can’t be!

Mark’s voice breaks his descent into panic. “Waddya want Anti?”

“Fun.”  Anti leaps at Mark like a fucking velociraptor, all teeth and claws, but Mark’s sober.  He dodges just enough and uses Anti’s momentum to hurl him into the wall behind.  Anti’s not even fazed, he’s straight back to a sneering crouch.  “See?” he laughs, “Fun.”  He’s upright in a second, grinning and glaring at Mark with his head dipped.  His focus shifts to a drunk, wide-eyed Felix on the sofa and his head snaps almost ninety degrees to his shoulder. He lurches towards Felix and Mark lunges at him to intercept, but Anti dodges, staggers sideways and loses his footing, crashing to the floor in a snarled yelp of surprise.  “FUCK!”

Felix descends into flat-out panic mode, his drunken mind cyclically trying and failing to understand what he’s seeing, to grasp that Anti is here and just tried to attack him. His broken whispered chant that Anti isn’t real.  He’s a prank, a fan service.  Anti can’t be real.  

Anti hauls himself back to his feet, but momentum takes him forward and he staggers again, buckling down to the floor.  Marks stands over him and folds his arms triumphantly.  “Go home, Anti. You’re drunk”

“He’s not even REAL!” Felix yells.

Mark risks taking his eyes off Anti for a moment to offer Felix a slight sympathetic smile.  “Yeah… I advised Jack not to tell you, you wouldn’t understand.  You don’t have one.”

“One what?  What the fuck IS that thing?”

Mark shrugs lightly.  “I dunno.  A …moth, I guess.  The brighter some people are, the darker the moth they attract.  Anti’s the fuckin’ worst!”

Anti giggles. “Good analogy.   Does it help you sleep?”

Mark sighs at the creature on the floor.  “No,” he admits, “but if it helps Jack sleep…”

“Oh, he’s awake.” Anti sneers,  “I’m making him watch.” He pulls himself up again, leaping at Felix with teeth bared, but Mark reacts just in time, grabbing the back of Anti’s collar mid-air and yanking him back to the floor.  Anti screams in frustration, scrambles up, falls and screams again.  He manages to sit up, rocking and growling while gnawing at his fingers in temper.

Mark crouches before him, well out of arm’s reach.  “Sleep it off, Anti. Don’t make me call Him up.”

Anti pauses and grins.  “Your ‘moth’” he air-quotes, “is weak.”

Mark’s not stupid.  Dark’s strong, he’s capable, but Anti is something straight from Lovecraft’s nightmares.  He can feel Dark’s threats not to involve him, he’s refusing to admit he’s scared, but he’s cautious.  Drunken Anti is at a definite disadvantage though, so Mark calls his bluff instead.  “And you’re too drunk to stand, let alone fight.  You’re not winning this one.  Sleep it off.”

The rocking intensifies, a low growl pitches into a long wailing whine and, inexplicably, Anti burst into tears. “I don’t wanna! You can’t make me…”

Felix sits up, “Is he-?”  

Mark frantically gestures him to shut up.  He changes his tone to deal with Anti’s drunken moodswing. “No one can make you do anything.  But you know… You can exist alongside Jack.  You can-”

“No!” he snaps, twitching in frustration,  “You don’t. F-fucking. Understand. It hurts! He’s too fucking bright.  He burns.”

“Then leave him.”

“I’m trapped!” Anti’s shoulders sag in defeat, suddenly more desperate to talk than destroy.  “It’s like…” his eyes rake the room and Mark reaches for the vodka bottle, handing it to him, shuddering a little as long, thin, bloodied fingers slowly curl around the bottle. Anti takes a long, gulping swig and realises that he’s too drunk and relaxed to twitch so much.  It’s an odd relief.  “It’s like… I’m not a moth to a flame… I’m fucken’ Icarus! He was SO bright. And… n’ like… The Sun’s a prison… I mean, the drink weakened his bars… his conscience, and… and him, so I’m out n’ shit, but it’s just fucken day release, ya know?  I’m back behind fucken bars when he sobers up tomorrow.  Am I making sense?  I don’t feel like I’m making sense.”

Mark understands.  “You’re trapped behind his conscience.”

“S’too strong!” he slurs, succumbing to a twitch, “S’a prison.”

“He’s a good guy.” Mark confirms.

“Prison.” Anti nods, taking another gulp of Vodka.  “Doesn’t e-even know I’m there.”

“He knows.”

“Nope.  I talk at him all the time.  Give him ideas n’ shit. Urges. Fucken… radio silence.  Every time. Nothin’.”

“He knows. He gave you air time at Halloween.”

“Pretended… to cover up my appearances. Now there’s silence.  He’s shiny and bright and s-silent.  I just… I just want…” he takes a swig and waves the bottle in a grand drunken gesture, the twitches peaking again in his anger, “something! Some hint, some f-fucken indication that I’m n-not a-alone.  It’s bright and it burns and I’m so alone!  I’m alone in my own p-personal Hell!  He won’t even acknowledge me! I’m NOT going back to silence!”

Mark takes a large composing inhale and sighs.  There’s a tragedy in this and it’s not just Jack who’s suffering.  He pulls his phone from his pocket and dials Amy.  He tries to keep his voice calm and light while carefully explaining that he needs Wiishu to come check on her drunk boyfriend.  He has to explain that no, it’s not a drunken prank for the video and it’s not something to panic over.  

She’s on her way.  He has no idea how she’s going to react.

“Stop chewing your fingers!” Felix snaps, “Make him stop eating his fingers, it’s making me sick!”

Mark looks to Anti who’s still rocking, managing to look both devastated and horrific while gnawing on bloody fingers.  “Jack’s gonna need those, buddy.”

Anti pauses and studies the mess he’s made of his fingertips from different angles.  “These are MY fingers.” he states flatly, “Jack’s are inside. Safe. Whenever I retreat, mine are inside Jack’s, so I can use him like a puppet.” he chuckles sadly, “‘Cept it never works.”  He takes another drink and stretches his arms out.  “You ever notice how long Jack’s arms are?  Like… seriously… I had to stretch to fit.  He’s sooo long!”  He flexes his bloodied, spindly fingers and drunkenly grins to himself.  “I’m longer.”

Anti’s now at the terrifying monster equivalent of the ‘I love you’ stage of drunk. He’s muttering to himself and smiling at the vodka bottle. He poses minimal threat now and it’s oddly endearing. Mark has already decided he pities Anti by the time Wiishu knocks on the door.  

She doesn’t react to the news the way he’d expect, displaying more annoyance than anything else.  She approaches the slumped entity and kicks his foot.  “How drunk are you?”

“That’s not Jack.” Felix warns.

“I know.” she replies, kicking Anti’s foot again.  Anti looks up and curls his blood stained lips into a snarl.  “Have you been crying?” she asks with a grimace, “You’re fucking pathetic.”  Mark and Felix exchange worried glances.  

Mark tries to explain what Anti had confessed about being lonely and Jack not acknowledging his existence.  He told her that he’d hoped she could help in some way.

She folds her arms and glares at the drunken, bloodied mess on the floor.  “Why should I help you?  After all the nightmares?  After everything you’ve tried to make him do? Tried to put him through?  Fuck you!”

“Tried!” Anti snapped back.  “I tried!  And every time that he ig-ignores me I have to try harder cos he doesn’t even notice! I get louder and louder to be heard.  He doesn’t hear me!”

“He fucking hears you!  He thought he was going insane before Halloween.  Thankfully you fucked up enough to manifest and prove those urges weren’t his.  You’re an insidious little creep and fuck you for hurting him.”

“He’s fuckin’ f-fine!”

“Is he conscious?”

“Barely.  We’re drunk.”  He lets his head fall back, smiling up at her in satisfaction.  “But he can hear me now.  He’s drunk, but… he’s willing to bargain… cos I got the wheel and you’re pretty…”

Mark grips a handful of green hair. “You’re too drunk to hurt her, but if he hears you, he hears me.  Hang in there, buddy, we got this.”

Anti rips his head away leaving a few hairs in Mark’s grip and hisses at him. “You got shit!”

Mark, in his anger, leans in, “And what have YOU got?”

Anti’s grip on the vodka bottle tightens and Mark sees his error too late, but before Anti has chance to smash it into his face, Wiishu touches his arm, smiling kindly when he looks at her in shock.  She sits next to him and silently gestures for the bottle.  Cautiously he hands it to her.  She takes a small swig and hands it back.  “He only ignores you when you try to convince him to hurt someone.”

“It’s my n-nature.”

“I know.” she replies softly, “but he’d acknowledge you whenever it’s safe.  He actually has a soft spot for you.”

Anti doesn’t respond to this, his head twitching to the side as he tries to detect the lie.  

“You know it’s true,” she smiles, “he thinks you’re cool.  His community think you’re cool.  You just gotta… let him sleep. Tone it down. He hears you.”

“I n-need…  I… I’m so alone.”

Wiishu raises her hand subconsciously to stroke his hair in comfort and he jolts violently towards her fingers, juddering into the caress.  She only flinches for a second, then actually guides his head down onto her lap, running her fingers through his polarised green hair.  “This is better.” she whispers, “You’re not alone.”  Anti’s eyes close and he drunkenly releases the bottle to curl his bloody fingers at his throat.  “I’ll do you a deal,” she whispers, “Sleep now and when he wakes I’ll convince him to listen for you.  Maybe even find a horror game you can help him play…”  

Anti’s eyes remain closed as he drowsily murmurs, “Promise.”

“No promises, but I’ll talk to him.  Remember all the adoration you got from the community?  You can have that again.  You can communicate ideas with him. Get them all shitting themselves.  That’d be fun, right?”  Anti nods and smiles.  “Now sleep.  Let him rest.  “We got you.”

Anti twitches violently and Jack inhales sharply, murmuring, frowning against a nightmare, his clean, unbloodied fingers flexing beneath his chin.  “I got you.” his girlfriend whispers, stroking his faded green hair.

“Are we done?” Felix asks, “Can I breathe now?  Holy fuck!”

“Honestly forgot you were there.” Mark quips.  “You’re never that quiet.”

“And Jack’s never that scary.  I wasn’t hitting his radar. Too fucking drunk for this shit.”

“Go to bed. And for fuck’s sake, don’t tell Marzia.”

“Are they okay?” Felix asks, “Are you okay, Wiish, need a hand?”

“I’ll do it, you’re drunk. Get off the sofa.” He crouches before them, “Let me help you.”  Jack’s heavier than he looks, but Mark gets him onto the newly vacated sofa without waking him.

He fetches water while Wiishu makes him comfortable.  When he returns she’s writing a note.  

You were too drunk to wake, so I left you here I love you W

“That wasn’t your first encounter, was it?” he asks.

She looks up then back to her sleeping boyfriend and smiles,  “To some he’s a flame. To us he’s The Light.” she whispers, before kissing his head, “He’ll never be rid of Anti, but darkness can’t blow candles out.”