#fh.blackmail

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: Lynn Gunn @lynn-gxnn FROM: Fake Happy Television

all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Lynn, you’re one of our very valued stars on this tour. PVRIS’ new album is doing fantastically, and in turn, the growing popularity of your band is bringing viewers and tour-goers in left and right. 

It’s for this reason that one of our showrunners would like to meet with you and speak about something, prior to the Hallowe’en ball. Please be in the lobby of the hotel at 5:35PM precisely, and await their arrival. 

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: Joe Jonas @fakenoodleimpasta FROM: Fake Happy Television

all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Hello, Joe. We’re going to cut right to the chase. We value your involvement in our tour greatly. Of course, your previous ‘teen heartthrob’ status as a Jonas Brother has fans flocking to watch you on the show, both old and new. They’re all very eager to see a new romance blossom for you, did you know that?

We noted in your latest confessional that you’re just focusing on yourself right now. That’s important, of course. However, you didn’t say anything about some romantic spontaneity. At the Hallowe’en ball tomorrow, we’d love for you to select someone, ask them to dance... and kiss them on the dance floor. Someone new, someone you don’t really know all too well, or know at all. That’s exciting, isn’t it? Viewers will love it, regardless of whether your advances are rejected or accepted. 

You might be thinking, “What if I don’t want to do that?” Well, Joe, a woman has been contacting us for several weeks now, claiming she gave birth to your son some time ago and she wants in on the show. We couldn’t just take her word for it, of course, we had to get the DNA results. We used a strand of your hair, if you’re wondering. We will be more than willing to share these DNA results with you so you can then confirm or deny that you have a child... but only after your big kiss at the ball. 

Failure to go through with this will release an ‘exclusive’ story to several magazines about your suspected child, plastering the face of this youngster all over tabloids. You wouldn’t want to do that to a kid that might not even be yours, would you? 

But then again... he might be. So get your dancing shoes ready.

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: DAN HOWELL @thememegiant FROM: FAKE HAPPY TELEVISION

all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Hello, Dan. We value you greatly being on our tour, if you didn’t know. You’re one of the biggest names in YouTube entertainment. This is why we’d like to feature you in our next episode. 

We’ll cut right to the chase. It’s come to our attention that you and colleague, Phil Lester, have advanced things from a close working friendship to lovers. We’d like to say congratulations! Don’t worry, no-one else knows. Just the cameras. Because, we’ve also noticed that you’re trying to keep this a secret. 

Secrets don’t bode so well around here. Secrets make for good TV, and good TV makes for badly kept secrets. Don’t you think? 

Before the next episode airs on Tuesday, we’d like for you, Dan, to get Phil in a public space, and openly say these exact words: "You're so embarrassing, Phil. I should've just stayed in." Make it loud. Make sure it’s in full view of cameras, of people. Make sure they know exactly what you apparently think of your best friend. 

You’re forbidden from telling Phil that this is a set-up. If there’s any indication that you’ve warned Phil of what’s to come or fail to comply altogether, we have a spare all-access tour badge that we would be happy to pass along to an ex-boyfriend of yours. 

One way or another, Mr. Howell, we’re going to get you some screen time. So it’s up to you. Phil, or ex-boyfriend? Pick wisely. 

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: OTTO WOOD @sixthevilexbassplayer FROM: FAKE HAPPY TELEVISION

all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Greetings, Otto. You’ve been on our tour for quite some time now. Making music... making friends... making friends with Jake Ewald, specifically. And you’re trying to make friends with Jake’s girlfriend, Ashley Frangipane. That’s good news. 

You know what’s even better news? When the friend likes the other friend’s significant other a little too much. See, we think a love triangle would really reel in the viewers. There’s no current such genuine thing on the tour that interests us right now, though, so we’re going to formulate our own. 

Otto, we want you to get Ashley on her own, face-to-face, and tell her that you have romantic feelings for her. We really don’t care whether you actually do or not -- in fact, we know your affections have been elsewhere lately. Just as long as you make it very clear to Ashley that you like her romantically. You’re forbidden from telling her, or Jake, that you’ve been asked to do this, and that your feelings aren’t genuine. 

You might wonder why you’d do this at all -- risk your friendship with both Jake and Ashley, perhaps even risk their relationship altogether. Well, you having a love interest with one of the biggest women in alternative music right now would certainly bring your band a lot of attention. This benefits you and your bandmates. And, not to mention, if you fail to go through with it before Tuesday, we might just have to involve your sister in the Wood family drama. We’re sure you wouldn’t want her to know the real reason you had to leave home... would you? 

We trust you’re going to make the right choice, Mr. Wood. Don’t forget to smile with your teeth! 

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: DALLON WEEKES @lcudandheavy FROM: FAKE HAPPY TELEVISION

all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Hello, Dallon. We have a job for you that we think you’ll find hard to say no to. We know that you’re used to objectives much like this one; deliver the supply, test the product for your client to see… and you’re onto the next one. However, this might hit a bit close to home for you, and that’s what we’re banking on. 

You see, your old pal Jake Ewald is about due for a relapse. We want you to enable that. Now we could wait for this to unfold on its own, but we need someone to nudge him along. That’s where you come in. We know that you were once determined to keep the drugs away from his nose, and maybe you can’t fathom why we would expect you to agree to this. We find that addicts typically only look out for themselves, but you stand to lose a lot more, don’t you? 

We know about your side profession, well… both of them, really. We’re more interested in your gang affiliation, at least for now. The product has been planted in the bunk of your tour bus as we certainly don’t expect an addict such as yourself to give up his personal supply, and we’ve even gone to the trouble of leaving something extra for your effort. 

Meet Jake at the bar, deliver the product with minimal discretion so that our cameras can capture the whole thing. In editing, your face will be blurred, however, Jake’s will not. He’s been given his own ultimatum so don’t you worry about your ex-lover just yet… we simply want to plant the idea of using in his mind; we can’t have what could potentially turn out to be a season long arc coming to a head prematurely. 

Failure to comply will result in a phone call to Child Protective Services during which we will pass along all of the intel that we’ve gathered about your addictions along with your less than savory line of work. Once you’ve completed your task, we expect you’ll have a lovely time at the party, Mr. Weekes. Until next time. 

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: ARIANA GRANDE @pinkglittcr FROM: FAKE HAPPY TELEVISION    all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Hello, Ariana. We trust that you're having a great start to tour. We'd like to make you, one of our biggest artists, a main feature on the premiere episode of Fake Happy TV. Lots of publicity for you, and lots of viewers for us. There's a catch, though. The tour kick-off after-party is bound to be eventful, but we'd like to ensure that. During the party, in full view of the cameras, we'd like for you to make a joke at Derek Discanio's expense. What expense, you might ask? That's not for you to know. We want you to make eye contact and say, "For people who don't know we know each other, they'd think you were stalking me or something!" We want you to laugh like it's a funny joke. Then walk away. Excuse yourself to the bathroom or to get a drink -- just walk away. You may return to speak with him after a period of thirty minutes or more.

This might seem pointless, or perhaps you understand that it's hurtful. But you're going to do it, because we happen to know about a little car trouble you got into a while back. You remember that, don't you? We also may have dash cam footage of that night that we'd love to show the entire party if you don't comply. Don't believe us? That's okay. But is it a bluff you're willing to call?

Just a little joke at Derek's expense, and you keep your career. That's an easy decision, Miss Grande. Have a wonderful evening, and congratulations on your bundle of joy.

[fakehappytv-blog]

INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE TO: Cara Delevingne @clubpenguinisms FROM: Fake Happy Television

all other players should read this with ooc eyes

Miss Delevingne, first of all we’d just like to say we are so happy you joined us. This message is about the Hallowe’en ball. We’ve noted you don’t seem so excited about the ball, which saddens us greatly. We want all our tour patrons to have an excellent time with us, especially at these events. Everyone has to be in top shape for the cameras. 

Since you seem so fond of certain services... we’ve arranged for an escort to meet you in an assigned hotel room prior to the ball, for a little pep talk. That should brighten you up. The escort will be there when you arrive at 5:00PM, but we’d like for you both to leave together. You may exit the hotel itself separately if you so wish to avoid any paparazzi but you must both be down in the lobby by 5:40PM. 

This might seem a silly idea to you; too risky. But we’re doing you a favor, Cara. What would be risky is not meeting with the escort we’ve went to the trouble of choosing for you. That would result in several of your bank statements from the last couple of years being ‘leaked’ to the press. We’re sure you wouldn’t want that, what with all the payments to various services you’ve generously been handing out. It would certainly be goodbye career, wouldn’t it? 

Make the right choice. Just a little pep talk. That���s all. Smile with your teeth!