#finished my homework early so!!! four panel comic time!!

[nerves-nebula]

mikey makes the mistake of getting publicly excited within earshot of Splinter.

tmnt redline by @coffinpal & @0ddbugs, @tmntaucompetition

[devnny]

CHAPTER FOUR.

JTRM — THE “R” STANDS FOR RECOVERING!

PREVIOUSLY.

[sobs] this is such a Mess!! A MESS I TELL YOU!

He didn’t do his homework. Devi wished she could say she was surprised.

If she was being literal, what he offered her was one singular page of lined paper that he had scribbled disjointed, crossed-out panels of attempted comics and ugly caricatures of his neighbors all over. So it wasn’t that he didn’t do his ‘assignment’, but rather he hadn’t finished it. She hadn’t been to school in quite some time, but she was pretty sure that would constitute an “F” from most crusty public-school educators.

“Johnny.” Devi spoke with a pointed tone. He ducked his head into his shoulders nervously.

“You didn’t specify what the, er, “homework” was, exactly.” Johnny offered weakly. Even if that was true, he knew that her expectations for him were higher than something that was more mistake-correcting-squiggles than actual drawings. Something complete, at the very least. Devi groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose, making his shoulders hike up even higher.

“Yeah, sure, okay.” She said finally, dropping her hand to her side again. Johnny breathed a small sigh of relief.

Devi withheld her frustration, and tried to coerce herself to be satisfied with his meager attempts. Seeing as they’d only had one real art session, she doubted that an incomplete batch of doodles over the course of three days would undo any creativity-healing that might have occurred, if any healing occurred at all. Maybe it even helped, since he likely would have done nothing without her intervention. It was better than nothing, she reminded herself. Some amount of self-assertion over his creative processes was better than none at all.  

She had decided, during their time apart, to dedicate her time to this massive endeavor in intervals of three days – three days in a row of nightly arting with her would-be pupil, and then three days in a row of Johnny-less time to work properly on her freelance projects. The block of time she’d be with Johnny consecutively made her weary just to think of it, but she’d persist for those three beautiful days where she wouldn’t have to worry about him. Or worry about him too much, anyway.

With the loose-leaf paper still in hand, she ushered him away from the entryway of her apartment and into the living room. Johnny settled in front of the coffee table again, knees in odd angles that were somehow comfortable to him, and Devi did her best to ignore that this was going to be her new normal.

--

THE FOLLOWING WEEK:

Tutoring – if that’s what you wanted to call it – was going well.

Devi felt a small amount of pride for her efforts, and for Johnny’s, she had to admit, as the nights wore on. Sure, he had a couple of fits the first two evenings, but his complaints where directed at his own ineptness, not her instruction. By the third night, he seemed to be getting a better handle on his bitterness toward his own art, and successfully completed a few things without her having to yell at him.

And as she expected, the three days that she had to herself were all filled with near-constant, speculating thoughts about Johnny. The insistent flow of what-ifs was very irksome as she worked on painting a cover for a local underground magazine, but Devi did her best to ignore it and work, with mixed success. The piece got done, of course, but it took much longer than she would have liked. It would have been done much sooner if she didn’t have a new form of ‘parasite’ picking away at her free time that should be devoted to painting for herself.

And, knowing that Johnny would be arriving tonight, her sleep from the early morning hours to the afternoon was horrible. She hated that his looming presence still gave her a rush of adrenaline. Devi stubbornly refused to be afraid of him, but part of her still reacted with a twinge in her stomach, cold sweat, and a quickening of her heart – he was just too unpredictable. Johnny had sworn his gratitude to her up and down since the truth came out about that phone call, but Devi had a healthy – or maybe unhealthy – amount of cynicism, and doubted that any words he said held the weight that he claimed they did.

She made sure, while she griped to herself, to ignore any pleasantries exchanged between them the previous week, such as Johnny pointing out her purple hair and saying he liked the color on her, or laughing over the same shit while watching TV during break time. The last thing she need to do was get even remotely attached to him – she was investing enough emotional labor into him as it was.

Just a few minutes shy of 6:00PM, there was a knock at the door, and Devi sighed with mild disappointment that Johnny was so punctual.

“Hi!” Johnny greeted her eagerly as soon as the door was open.

“I had the strangest drive over here. I think that little chihuahua is following me again – I wish I knew what it wants from me, but like Hell I’m going to stop and ask.” He rambled while he walked to his usual spot in the living room. Devi quirked an eyebrow at his bizarre comments, but chose to ignore it and closed the door before following after him.

“It happened earlier,” Johnny continued. “like, maybe a year ago. It followed me for blocks and blocks! I had to run to get away from it! Creepy little…”

Devi was only partly listening while she watched him paw at the air, only to notice then that he was without something rather important.

“Johnny, you didn’t bring your work up with you?” She asked in the middle of his rant. Johnny stopped abruptly, his wide eyes somehow wider. Devi frowned when he looked around nervously.

“Er, well—” He scuffed his foot on the floor and webbed his fingers together. “I couldn’t… really… think of anything.”

Devi’s pupils shrunk in surprised irritation at that.

“What!?” She yelled at him and he turned while he tried to avoid her fury.

“It’s just—! More difficult when I’m alone!!” Johnny looked around the room, too wary to look her in the eye. “I tried but nothing really came out so I… didn’t… do anything else.”

His admission came with a guilty smile. Devi fumed.

“Are you KIDDING me, Nny!?” Her voice raised more. “You sat around for THREE DAYS doing NOTHING?”

Johnny stepped back to avoid her frustrated pacing.

“I told you! I did try, I just—”

“You call that trying? Starting once and then giving up!? How long did you “try” for?” She asked accusingly.

“I don’t know, like, an hour??” He offered. Why was she so difficult to placate?

“AN HOUR.” Devi seethed. “One WHOLE hour out of seventy-fucking-two hours! Did you break a sweat!?”

Johnny felt the familiar heat of embarrassment rise to the surface of his cheekbones.

“That’s so easy for you to say! You’re good at this!”

“Well you could be too if you put in the effort, you moron!!” Devi’s arms stuck straight back while she hollered at him. “Do I have to just constantly babysit you to make sure you don’t get any crazier!?”

Johnny didn’t like being called a moron, or the implication that he was a baby.

“YOU—YOU…!” He tried to hold in his rebuttal, but failed. “YOU only care so much because of your own benefit! Don’t say it like you’re worried about my sanity!”

Devi gargled a scream while she clawed at her hair, then whipped back around to glare at him.

“OF COURSE I care for my own benefit!! You tried to murder me, you jackass! And the sooner you’re in control of your stupid FOURTH voice and out of my life again, the better!” She huffed. “What did you THINK this was?? Fun-pally-art-time? I’m trying to keep your crazy ass in line!”

He knew that was the truth, but hearing it said so callously pinched his emotions in ways that made his gut hurt and his arms shake. Johnny glared at the floor, thin irises darting around while a barrage of bad thoughts and hurt feelings twisted through his head.

Devi groaned and turned away to rub her forehead and brush her hair back. She hadn’t meant to say all of that, but she had, and now all her backed up resentment was in the air and bogging down the room. She needed to say something to nurse his poor, bruised ego now, as pathetic as that made her own ego feel. The likelihood that he’d comply with anything she instructed him to do tonight without her offering some kind of apology was laughably small.

“Look, Johnny—” She turned to speak to him, only for her sentence to end in a silent gasp when she caught sight of Johnny’s wild eyes. She barely had time to notice that the fist at the end of his raised arm brandished a rather shiny, pointed pen, but still managed to avoid a stab to her shoulder as he swung downward.

The shock hardly registered with Devi as she stared Johnny in the face, who only looked surprised and angry that he’d missed. That expression alone immediately boiled her blood – that piece of fucking shit! He was really trying to murder her again! All of his bullshit about gratitude and promising not to hurt her was as big of a load as she had suspected!

Johnny squared himself again and moved to thrust the pen directly at her this time. Devi was too enraged to be afraid of mortal injury, and grabbed his wrist as he jutted his opportune weapon forward. Her nails dug painfully into the skin of his arm as she yanked him forward into her awaiting fist. She slammed her curled knuckles into the center of his sternum, and the blow was enough to knock the wind out of him. That wasn’t enough for Devi, who retracted her arm quickly and rammed her palm immediately upwards, hitting Johnny in his jaw and closing his mouth with a very audible CLANK.

He stumbled backward, and Devi released his wrist only after she had snatched the pen from his grasp. Johnny brought his hand up to his vibrating jawbone and rubbed it roughly. That shot was enough to bring him out of his murderous rage, but no amount of levelheadedness would spare him from Devi’s wrath.

“JOHNNY YOU FUCKING ASS-HOLE!” She roared at him, and he was suddenly aware of the severity of his actions. Palm still curled around his jaw, Johnny backed up a few steps, but Devi showed no apprehension in following him.

“D-Devi I, I didn’t—” He was panicked. What had he just done? And why would he do something so stupid?

“Oh shut the HELL up!” Devi glowered down at his shrinking form. “You fucking ingrate! You absolute FUCKER!”

Johnny could only cringe, the increasing fear that Devi would never forgive him for this transgression rising with each passing second.

“YOU TRIED TO STAB ME… AGAIN!” She seethed. “AFTER ALL YOUR FUCKING TALK ABOUT LOYALTY AND GRATITUDE AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT!”

His opposite hand crossed over his other’s wrist, franticly rubbing and squeezing the joint there to ease himself, though it had little effect.

“Devi I—I swear, I didn’t mean to—!” Johnny winced at how shaky his voice was. Fear was not something he was very accustomed to, but Devi seemed to instill it in him with such little effort. His response was also apparently, not the right thing to say.

“You didn’t MEAN to!?” She hissed at him. Devi couldn’t take his piss-poor excuses – just the sight of him trying to pass himself off as a hapless fool that simply ran his mouth off was making her so mad she thought she might go literally blind from rage. She brought up his own pen to threaten him with like a shank.

“Get the Hell out!” Her voice was firm, and sent Johnny into a redoubled state of panic.

“—W-Wait! Please, Devi, I’m sorry I—I really – I promise it won’t happen again!” He pleaded with her, the fear that he had single-handedly ended his renewed position in her life so soon consuming him further. Devi scowled at him.

“You bet your ass it won’t!” She jabbed the pen in his direction a few times. “LEAVE.”

Johnny felt like he could cry. He very much did not want to go, but couldn’t see any way that Devi would let him stay, at least not now. His posture lowered more as he scooted back toward the door, but his focus remained squarely on Devi, with his eyes begging her to reconsider. Again, his feeble expression only angered Devi further. He dared to try and play weak and sorry after he had just moved to stab her?

“Johnny get the fuck out of here before I give you a full-frontal lobotomy with this damn pen!!” Devi extended her arm out in his direction, gesturing said pen at him aggressively.

His shoulders sunk further, and he hesitantly settled a hand on the doorknob, only looking up to Devi once more to make sure there was no indecision in her eyes – there wasn’t – before he slipped out the door and quietly shut it behind him. Devi wasted no time in locking it.

She screamed to the high heavens, uncaring about what neighbors, or if Johnny himself, heard the rampant storm of expletives and primal hatred that bellowed out from her heaving chest. As one final act of violence toward him, Devi threw his pen against the adjacent wall with all her strength, sending it flipping off out of sight. She felt the same betrayal pooling in her that she had felt the first time he had tried to kill her, only this time, there was no loss of love or ungodly fear to distract her from it. No, this was a bloodthirsty hate unlike any she had felt before.

“Don’t let him get to you, mother.” Came a whispering, prideful little voice.

Devi’s eyes popped open, face suddenly cold, before immediately heating up again with renewed anger.

“SHUT THE HELL UP!” She yelled into the room.

Johnny was distracting her too much; she hadn’t heard Sickness speak in weeks! That stupid asshole was jeopardizing her life in more ways than she could count – she couldn’t believe she’d even humored the idea of enjoying his company again, the prick! She couldn’t be worried about his sanity if it was going to cost her her own!

A sudden, tight set of knocks directed Devi’s aggression away from her incapacitated parasite and to her door again.

“JOHNNY,” She seethed. “I told you to FUCK OFF!”

A few seconds passed.

“It’s me, Tenna, not nutso Johnny-guy.” Tenna’s voice was laced in concern.

Devi blinked, startled by the reminder that anyone else existed nearby besides herself, and that obviously people had heard her and Johnny’s fight, and that Tenna was surely worried about her well-being. After a moment she moved to unlock the door, but seeing her friend did little to relax her frenzied state.

“Devi, holy shit, what happened!?” She leaned in close, looking back a few times to make sure no one else was in the hallway.

“Tenna I—I really don’t think I can talk right now.” Devi bit out, doing her best to not take anything out on the innocent woman in front of her.

Like usual, Tenna was uninterested in Devi’s attempts to keep her at arm’s length, and urged herself further into the apartment.

“He tried to stab you??” She whispered in disbelief. Devi stared at her, fingers twitching at hearing the words played back to her, then turned to walk madly around the room.

“HE TRIED TO FUCKING STAB ME, TENNA!” Devi yelled again, once more unconcerned with what her neighbors thought about it. “He talks all this stupid crap about how I’m so wonderful and benevolent, and how he owes me SO MUCH, and then he tries to STAB ME!!”

Her fingers bent into her hair as she gripped it in frustration.

“That asshole! That absolute fucking asshole!” Devi’s body shook as her hands slid from her hair down to cup her face. “With all that I RISKED to do this…!!”

A sudden burning in her eyes was enough to horrify her into holding back any bitter tears that dared to bubble up. She wouldn’t lose a single one over him, not again. All the same, her throat tightened, and she decided not to speak again until the wave of emotion passed.

Her motives were selfish, that much was true, but he had everything to gain through this, while she had everything to lose if it failed. Johnny hardly seemed miserable to go on being an anti-social bastard that murdered from time to time – but if that Meat voice won out against him, there was no doubt in her mind that she would be Johnny’s target if the need he had to fill was social, or God forbid, physical. Consume to excess, that was what he said his new parasite wanted for him, and she did not want to find out what that meant when it came to her.

Devi fell into a seated position on the couch, her face still buried in her hands.

“I wish he had just fucking died, Ten. I wish he had just… died, and stayed dead.” She lamented quietly. Tenna frowned and sat in the spot next to Devi, again patting her shoulder like she was a sad puppy.

Far below, on the darkened sidewalk that ran beside the building, a thin figure watched Devi’s window mournfully, before slinking away from sight.

--

NEXT.

[softshelltaakos]

alright, folks! if you know me you know that i 1) received the taz graphic novel for the holidays and 2) have hated the taz graphic novel since before it came out, and that 3) actually reading it in no way improved my opinion.

let’s review.

disclaimer: i love the mcelroys. i truly do. taz has gotten me through some very difficult stuff and i have a tattoo. all this to say i’m not doing this because i hate them or because i like hating things — on the contrary, i’m doing this because i care a lot about the podcast and analyzing things is what i do for fun and also because, like, it has issues that i want to talk about!

there are spoilers for the graphic novel and the whole of the podcast under the cut.

this is part 1, in which i’m talking about the actual storytelling and writing; for character design thoughts, you’re gonna have to stay tuned because i’ve been working on this for three and a half hours and i have shit to do. so!

let’s start off with the things i actually liked. there are a few!

the main characters get little intro cards, which i think are pretty cute. this isn’t all of them, but here’s a sampling (forgive my messy collaging):

[ID: four panels.

the first introduces magnus burnsides, a barrel-chested white guy with auburn hair and a fluffy beard and sideburns. he’s saying “trust me, if the law hassles us, i’m the guy you want at the front of the wagon. but look, if you want to drive so bad, i might let you spell me the next time the dwarf has to stop for a pee break.” there is a scroll with his name listed, as well as his race (human), class (fighter), and proficiencies: battle, carpentry, and “everything else... apparently”

the second introduces taako, a skinny mint-colored elf wizard. he’s blonde with pronounced lower lashes and a big pointy nose. he’s saying “hell, no! i’ve got stuff to do. i’ve read the books. adventurers are supposed to, like, forage for food and shit. bor-r-r-ring! no, thank you. not for taako.” the proficiencies on his title card are spell-casting, transmutation, and gastronomy

the third introduces merle highchurch, a brown dwarf with white hair pulled back into a bun and a big poofy beard. he’s saying “i’m studying my cantrips!” and his title card proficiencies are “healing... supposedly,” “religion stuff,” and bleeding

the fourth panel introduces griffin mcelroy, a white human man with brown hair and glasses wearing a collared shirt. he’s saying “guys! it’s me: griffin! your dm!” his title card shows his race as “actual human” and his class as “dungeon master,” while his proficiencies are podcasting, karaoke, and “weaving a rich tapestry of drama.”]

then there are a few cute references to other mcelroy stuff:

[ID: two side-by-side images. the first is a photo of justin mcelroy wearing a bib with “shrimpin’ ain’t easy” written on it in crayon. the second is a close-up of a similar bib on a goblin -- though the text is distorted, it’s the same phrase.]

[ID: magnus thoughtfully says “unless...” and the other boys echo him in traditional mcelroy fashion.]

barry also wears underwear that read “meloincloths” around the waistband, which i didn’t take a picture of because it was small and also i didn’t really want to take a picture of barry bluejeans’s underoos. but that’s cute!

as it mentions in magnus’s titlecard, there’s a running joke about him being proficient in everything. that gets some play in the podcast but it comes up a lot more here and i think it works pretty well and establishes early on that magnus is cocky and headstrong and all that. it’s actually introduced in the very first panel of the comic, where he mentions his vehicle proficiency, and then it comes up several more times.

there are some moments that shift out-of-character dialogue to in-character dialogue, and i think it works sometimes. notably, it occasionally happens with griffin’s dialogue, which i think is a good way to include his voice without constantly breaking the fourth wall. it’s done some, obviously, but it’s not to the point that it’s intrusive.

[ID: a panel featuring taako approaching the other boys, who are playing cards while they wait for him to scout the next room out. magnus asks, “would you say it is spooky... or beautiful?” and merle cuts in “or spookily beautiful?” followed by magnus finishing up with “or beautifully spooky?”

taako responds “if you were a gerblin you would actually find it a pretty chill den to, like, hang out in.”]

i also like the introduction of the voidfish static. i think it’s appropriately dramatic and does a pretty good job of emulating how it’s presented in the podcast.

[ID: a panel featuring killian, an orc woman with a crossbow. the lighting is dark gray-blue-green and she’s shouting something unintelligible marked by a cluster of consonants and a shaky, brush-strokey speech bubble distinct from the other speech bubbles stylistically.]

the scene where taako grabs the umbra staff is also appropriately dramatic, as is merle trying to talk down gundren/bogard from the gauntlet’s thrall, but those are full page images and very large, so i’m not including them.

then there’s this panel of lucretia, which slays me:

[ID: a closeup of madame director lucretia, a black woman dressed in blue with white hair, though her eyes are out of frame. she’s holding a white oak staff in her hands. she’s stopped mid-sentence and there’s a little jaggedy line near her head indicating surprise.]

this is lucretia turning around and seeing the boys for the first time since she dropped them off at their respective “homes.” she’s caught off-guard and i think this is a beautiful way of noting that without giving too much away, and this is a good moment of foreshadowing that she knows much, much more about them than she’s letting on. she catches herself quickly and gets back into the swing of things, but i think this is a very lucretia panel, and it’s probably my favorite panel in the book.

now it’s time for the negative.

first off, a nitpick: there are moments where the characterization feels very off -- at one point magnus is said to have been the kid who “always reminded the teacher that they had forgotten to hand out homework,” which... does not really match what we know of young magnus. at all. travis describes him as “a good but kind of rebellious kid, like he was probably kind of a little bit of a turd [...] who was kinda sarcastic” (ep. 60, the stolen century part one) which feels super incongruent with the homework thing.

my issues with characterization come into focus most strongly with taako. while a lot of moments get his voice down pretty well, there’s a major issue in his presentation, which is that from the very beginning, he’s bragging about his tv show.

[ID: several panels in which merle and taako are talking. the first is a wide shot with taako’s voiceover saying: “--and then the lights come up, and there i am, standing under a magnificent banner that reads:”

the second is taako posing under a spotlight, speaking in large, fanciful script: “sizzle it up with taako”

panel three is merle asking disinterestedly “so it’s a show... about cooking?” and taako replying emphatically “it’s about life!”

in panel four he adds “...told through the perspective of fine dining.”

another panel collaged in features a cookbook with taako’s face on it labeled “perfection: cook the taako way” and taako excitedly saying “i know that smell!! that’s my recipe for haunch a la taako!! it was in my very first cookbook!]

now, we all know that by the end of the show “taako -- you know, from tv?” has become a catchphrase of his, and i understand the desire to retcon that kind of thing into his personality from the start. it seems like a natural way to add character early on when in the podcast, the boys are still pretty underdeveloped at this point.

here’s the issue. neither tv nor the title “sizzle it up” are mentioned at any point during here there be gerblins. in the eleventh hour (e48, part 8 of that arc) we’re told that we’re six years out from the mass poisoning in glamour springs. while the maxfun donor bonus episodes, like the liveshows, play it a little bit fast and loose with canon, and this episode was the 2015 bonus episode (e48 didn’t come out until september 2016,) that’s the only real explicit sizzle it up development we have until the eleventh hour. i’ve transcribed some of the bonus episode below, as transcripts for it are not available via @.tazscripts.

justin: taako-- i’m sitting in a corner by myself with my hat sorta pulled down low so people don’t recognize me. and i’m just trying to eat my meal but i keep changing the items that i’m trying to eat into different substances, so every few minutes you hear from my corner of the tavern:

taako: damn it!

clint: i hate asparagus!

griffin: i turned this sandwich into wood!

[...]

justin: mainly, i’m just trying to be nondescript. 

[...]

justin: the whole time i’m talking to [the tavern owner] i’m like, keeping my face down so he doesn’t recognize me.

griffin: why would anyone recognize you?

clint: why?

justin: well, taako, uh, used to host a cooking show. it was a very, very, very popular cooking show. uh, and--

griffin: what was it called?

justin: what?

griffin: the show.

justin: sizzle it up with taako.

this episode is when the boys take the job with gundren off of craig’s list, so the time gap between this and episode 1 is negligible at best. there is a moment where the other boys recognize taako and he doesn’t lie about his identity, but:

taako: (begrudgingly) yeah, i’m taako, i’m disgraced, you might have heard about the [poisoning] thing.

so... he’s clearly not putting himself on display the way he does later in the podcast. in episode 40 (lunar interlude III: rest and relaxation) which came out in may of 2016, we get the first reference to the poisoning itself:

taako: one time i transmogrified something that, uh… i transmogrified it into something you really shouldn’t eat, ever? for life, to live, i mean? And, uh, a lot of people ate that. and that went... so sideways. um... i-- i just decided i would never again cook for people i cared about, because i couldn’t risk, um, y’know, something happening to them. until i get this under control, i guess.

so we know that even at that point this is still something that troubles taako greatly. one might even say... he’s traumatized! and doesn’t talk about it! he does not go into detail about sizzle it up with anyone over the entire course of the podcast except for june while she is literally possessed by the chalice and forcing him to relive it. So. kind of a weird character take.

to skip ahead a little bit, most of the moonbase stuff is fine, but there’s one omission that feels very weird to me.

[ID: three panels. the left is a shot of the elevator hallway leading to the voidfish’s chambers. thb follow killian towards the elevators; johann is walking away from them. he’s a black human man with natural hair dressed in a silly bard outfit with a violin strapped to his back. he’s carrying a ton of scrolls.]

these three panels are the only time we see johann in the book. in the podcast it’s johann that escorts them to the voidfish’s chambers and inoculates them. it makes sense that this has been changed to lucretia in the gn; it gives her a much stronger entrance and cuts down on scene changes. but it also cuts out a lot of establishing things about johann that are all extremely important and set up not only his character arc but several core plot points.

it’s during that scene that we hear that johann’s greatest fear is being forgotten, and that that’s exactly what will happen to him and all of the other bureau employees when they die. it’s during that scene that we learn the basic mechanics of the voidfish and the mission of the bureau. it makes sense that some of that is going to be handled at the beginning of the next book (presumably) and i’m glad that lucretia is introduced here, but the gn adjusts it so that killian takes the boys into the elevator. that’s johann in the podcast, and it easily could have been johann here. it would’ve been a good chance to establish at least johann’s fears, which would be a weird and creepy setup for the voidfish mechanics when they do get revealed.

it’s just odd to me that johann, who is the reason for the song half of story and song, gets the short shrift here.

i’m gonna wrap up with one last thing. i wanna talk about arms outstretched.

griffin: and you’re both getting pulled into the rift now, and-- but with a 20, taako, you fight against the pull and both of you are flying backwards towards the center of the room, back towards the catwalk. and merle, you’re standing in front of the two liches, one in the form of magnus and one not. lydia just is there in her spectral form. and you’re standing next to a taako who’s gone completely catatonic.

[...]

griffin: okay, then, m—magnus and taako, you two are flying back towards the center of the room. the pull of this rift is still trying to suck you in. and out of nowhere, just merle turns around—turns his back to the two liches—and just outstretches his arms and as he does, you see, like, spectral versions of his soul-wood arm sort of reach out and grab you and he’s also pulling you back in too, now. and he rips both of you towards himself.

i don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this is one of the most emotionally charged moments in the show, and it’s that because it’s a moment where we see, crystal-clear, real character development and growth.

magnus, who rushes in, who has never wanted anything as much as he wants to be reunited with julia, actively resists the pull of death to help his friends.

taako, who’s good out here, who is so selfish that an entire town died because of his ego, risks his life to help his friends.

merle, who can barely feel his holy connection, who barely ever even heals, breaks planar bounds to help his friends.

we’ve been with these characters for 56 episodes. we’ve seen their worst regrets, we know their tragic backstories, we understand why they’ve been the jackasses they’ve been, and now we see them moving past that to work as a unit. one might even say as a family!

arms outstretched is a moment that has been earned over the course of those 56 episodes.

enter the graphic novel.

[ID: a full page. flames are everywhere and panels are intentionally chaotic. dialogue reads:

merle: maybe now would be good?

magnus: i’m a hero, not an idiot.

taako: actually, you’re both idiots!

he outstretches his arm from his position safe in a well.

taako: come on!

merle and magnus reach for taako’s hands. there is a closeup on their arms: merle and magnus each hold one of taako’s with one hand. then there’s a panel showing an explosion.]

this is obviously intended as a way to foreshadow arms outstretched. and typically i’m not against foreshadowing! i think one of the benefits of the graphic novel is that it’s an opportunity to insert foreshadowing in cool ways that were not necessarily possible given the in-progress nature of the podcast -- like i said earlier, that lucretia panel is a really great example of it. you can’t foreshadow arms outstretched in episode one because you have no idea it’s going to happen.

but here’s the thing. you also can’t foreshadow arms outstretched in episode one because it hasn’t been earned. these characters are not those characters yet. they don’t know each other. taako actively shuts down the title of “friend” earlier in the book. they’re not even coworkers yet. and you could make an argument that in the face of death, taako would try to save them, but... would he? really? he’s a pragmatist, and that’s putting it nicely. during the stolen century the only person he tries to get to safety at the risk of his own neck is lup, and, uh... neither of these guys are lup. hell, he doesn’t even know about lup right now, and we see in the podcast that not remembering her leaves him colder and more self-centered. he knows people are dust, but he doesn’t know there are people that aren’t. i truly don’t buy it.

the nature of adaptation is that things are going to change, and that’s fine; but this is such a major shift that it left me really jarred and unhappy with the writing. in the podcast itself, we get this:

killian: c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon!

clint: decision made.

justin: yeah, i follow her.

travis: i follow her.

clint: me too.

griffin: the three of you dive into the well.

it makes sense that the gn adjusts this slightly so that magnus and merle try to pull some heroics and save everyone; i don’t have a problem with that. that’s a good adaptation of character that hadn’t exactly been seen yet, but comes to be a core enough part of the characters that it makes sense to insert it earlier. but even then, they could’ve gotten to the well without taako’s help. it’s just such a weird rewrite, and i really think it weakens the impact of arms outstretched itself.

i’ve been meaning to get my thoughts on this out for nearly a month at this point so if you’ve stuck with me this whole time, wow! thanks! i appreciate it! i’m not a professional, and obviously the mcelroys signed off on this, so i don’t really have space to say “oh, taako would never do this” or “oh, magnus was never like that” on a canonical level -- i know travis says something along those lines in one of the ttazzes. but as i said at the very beginning: this story means so, so much to me, and it’s really deeply frustrating to see an adaptation that handles things so... weirdly.

[comicsbeat]

And so we wrap up this edition of our yearly wide-ranging survey of creators from every end of the business on what happened and what’s coming. It’s been a fascinating journey through the thoughts of the comics industry on all levels. Once again, huge thanks to everyone who took time out of their busy schedules to respond and comment. We wind things up with a lot more previews including a new book from Emma Rios and a peek at the Birdcage Bottom Books lineup for the year- and lots in-between. You can check out the other parts of the survey here.

Emma Ríos,  Cartoonist

2019 Projects: I’m very glad to say that Hwei and I finally finished Mirror. It was quite a tough year for us and I’m extremely proud of how we managed to come over all that and of how we drove this little big story to its well deserved ending. Issue 10 will appear in the solicitations next month and the book will reach stores in April. For all of you who kept waiting to read the conclusion, thank you, really. I can tell you we gave everything we had and we really hope you like it. (Some preview pages below)

On the other hand, Kelly Sue and I have been working on the third arc of Pretty Deadly. It’s set in Early Hollywood and we are bringing some noir and horror to our pages this time. We are also using shadow puppetry as a narrative element which is very interesting and crazy fun for me. The arc is half done and we will bombard you with lots of updates soon.

And now, my secret. If everything goes as planned I’ll spend most of this year working on a new project called Anzuelo, meaning ‘hook’ or ‘lure’. A book about death and preservation, and more than anything about the sea. I’ve been keeping this story in the back of my head for a couple of years already, waiting for a chance to finally focus on it alone. I’m writing and drawing again for this, but unlike I.D., this time it will be all in watercolors and wayyy longer. The whole project is pretty ambitious and, ahem, rather pretentious. I’m scared but also very excited about it.

Fortunately, the mighty David Brothers, whose thinking and writing I truly adore, will help me as editor/therapist and will bear with me through all of this terrifying journey.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? I’m going to say the recent English subscription to Shonen Jump. I believe it’s a pretty generous and smart move, and to me it feels like the biggest change in comics since we started preordering.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? Emily Carroll’s new book, When I Arrived at the Castle. The book is published by Koyama Press and will debut at TCAF. Emily is one of my favorite creators, obviously. Her work has been inspiring and frightening me for years. She always takes storytelling to a whole new crazy level almost effortlessly. I’m so jealous!

Also! The latest work by my friend Borja González is going to be released in English this year. The title may change but in Spanish (Reservoir Books) and French (Dargaud) its called The Black Holes and it is a truly fascinating story that I hope to see in every BEST OF THE YEAR list. You’re going to be mindblown.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Maybe reading all Naruto, I guess? Bleach? Having a rather easy access to all those crazy popular and crazy long series from the last decades now drives me crazy. But, to be honest, it doesn’t feel guilty at all.

Who inspired you in 2018? I’ve been very inspired by rewatching Yoshiyuki Tomino’s dystopian anime of the 80s and 90s, recently. Specially anti-war stuff like Gundam, Fang of the Sun Dougram, and so on…

Steve Foxe, Writer & Paste Magazine Editor

2019 Projects: In addition to plenty of Paste goodness, I’ve got two OGNs I can’t talk about just yet, several promising pitches in the works, and my short in BOOM!’s Steven Universe: Fusion Frenzy one- shot will be out in March!

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? Honestly? 2018 didn’t feel like it had a defining comic story. Maybe I’d just give the nod to DC announcing umpteen new imprints targeting different markets. We won’t actually see how Zoom, Ink, Black Label, and Wonder Comics work out for a bit, but I applaud the publisher trying to meet readers in different niches. And while it’s not a POSITIVE story, the swift response to Eric Esquivel accusations gave me hope that we are getting better, as an industry, at responding to these sorts of issues.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? Similarly, I think the response to Zoom and Ink will be a huge story in 2019–either because it works as well as I hope/suspect it might, or because it does so-so and DC gets cold feet right away. I also expect some BIG BIG things for Marvel’s Merry Mutants, but I’ve already said too much… And while I’m not a movie guy, seeing how Captain Marvel lands and how the MCU pivots out of Endgame will mean a lot for the MCU’s continued success, especially with GotG3 in such a precarious position.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Reading more old comics! It can feel like a never-ending marathon keeping up with weekly releases, but in 2019, I plan to carve out more time to read (and re-read) older books. I did that a bit this year with some old Vertigo runs and loved it, and I plan to do it again next year, as well as start a FULL re-read of Uncanny X-Men and New Mutants, starting with Giant-Size X-Men and going through to the Morrison era.

Who inspired you in 2018? Tini Howard has been a close friend since 2014, and seeing her amazing successes this year (and knowing about some of the ones coming up in 2019!) has definitely inspired me to kick my own butt harder.

Tom Kaczynski, Cartoonist/Uncivilized Books Publisher

2019 Projects: Ginseng Roots by Craig Thompson; Now, for the first time in his career, Thompson is working in serial form, in a bimonthly comic book series. Part memoir, part travelogue, part essay—all comic book—Ginseng Roots explores class divide, agriculture, holistic healing, the 300 year long trade relationship between China and North America, childhood labor, and the bond between two brothers.

Cannonball by Kelsey Wroten; Follow the messy life of Caroline Bertram: aspiring writer, queer, art school graduate, near alcoholic, and self proclaimed tortured genius. Wrotens’s debut graphic novel will turn many heads!

Stonebreaker by Peter Wartman; The sequel to Over The Wall by the artist of Avatar the Last Airbender: Imbalance; Four years after saving her brother, Anya continues to explore the endless, twisting streets of the mystical city, Noridun.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? The biggest story is the ongoing seismic shift in the comics industry. The slow but sure transition from periodical business to graphic novel business. Comics retailers complain about the continued slides periodical sales from Marvel & DC, but don’t really do the homework on graphic novels, or alternatives that could bring in new audiences. This job is being done admirably by indie book stores and online retailers who are not afraid to experiment and try out new titles.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? The biggest story of 2019 will still be the biggest story of 2018 with the added caveat that we will start seeing more diverse and interesting periodical titles that will move into the space that will be opened up by the continued slide of Marvel & DC.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? The new Criminal series by Brubaker & Phillips, but I don’t feel guilty about it.

Who inspired you in 2018? I’m continually inspired by every independent cartoonist out there who manages to keep creating new and interesting work, year after year. The seas are rough out there, and seeing new and amazing work continue to emerge, is flabbergasting and humbling.

  Joan Hilty, Editorial directo

2019 Projects: Showtime at the Apollo (Abrams, Jan), Good Talk (One World, Mar). Pageturner’s thrilled to have helped bring these to life.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? The passing of Stan Lee. However one feels about his life and legacy, it’s a milestone for both the past and future of comics.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? For me it’s which companies survive, and thrive in, the remarkable ongoing staffing and distribution shakeups across our whole landscape — and how that affects workplace equality. We’re living in transformational times.

Ayo, cartoonist

2019 Projects: I’m working on more and more Little Garden comics and associated projects. Chiefly, the continuation of my four-panel, one-page strips.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? The dissolution of Tumblr for a great many users is undoubtedly the most significant and impactful comics story of 2018. Tumblr performed a crucial function in the visual arts industries, particularly in the comics industries. It was a way for work to spread around as casually and easily as radio works for music. A lot of important careers began in the trenches of tumblr blogs and reblogs. The scaling back of the platform will do considerable damage to industries rooted in visual culture.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? I’d like the biggest comics story in 2019 to be an increased interest in short works; strips, short stories and graphic essays. Long form comics are wonderful but we need to give more space for a multitude of ways to approach sequential art.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? I’ve finally gotten to be old enough that I laugh out loud at the cartoons in The New Yorker. And I accidentally subscribed to the magazine, so bring ’em on!

Who inspired you in 2018? I’ve recently begun reconnecting with the work of Aubrey Beardsley when I was experiencing a bit of an overload of inspirations. Being able to zero in on his illustrations has helped me to focus my ambitions and cut out a lot of the noise in my head.

Josh Bayer, cartoonist

2019 Projects: Working on something called Unfinished (seriously, thats the title.) Heres an advance page

And on seasons 2 and 3 of AllTimeComics with Josh Simmons, Trevor Van Eeden, with guest chapters by Gabrielle Bell, Julia Gfrorer and inks by Simmons, Me and Josh Simmons, Tom Toye, Ben Marra Ken Landgraf and others. I also have a new book due in April from Tinto Press, theres some images here:

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? I really don’t know, theres a lot of destruction everywhere on every level of Society and also a lot of community building in our own little microcosm. I am just trying to stay lost in a haze of work and art and teaching. Sorry, thats not much of an answer.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? Someone going down in the worst flameout of Indie Comics history and someone else rising to the highest peaks of industry adulation. While I have been known to see the future through mystic means, I can’t be more specific than that Ive already said too much.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Two way tie: Silently judging people for their desperate need for approval and vocally judging peopler their desperate need for approval.

Who inspired you in 2018? I tend to work in 20 year blocks of inspiration, not yearly. Janelle Hessig and Bobby Madness and Elizabeth Bethea all inspired me to engage with comics hard at the start of the millenium when I discovered them. They are true DIY, as are many other punk publishers and artists; but their work crossed my path at a crucial point that gave me a strong push towards what I wanted to do. And I am still going with them as key influences.

Alex Lu, Managing/New Media Editor of The Beat

2019 Projects: On the journalism side of things, I’m launching some exciting new media ventures for The Beat. And on the comics side of things, I have credits on INFINITE DARK, several upcoming First Second books, and a whole bunch of ~secret projects~ you’ll see on the shelves next year.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? Can I cheat and say there’s a three way tie? The death of Stan Lee, clearly, but also the fascinating narrative surrounding Olivia Jaimes’ run of NANCY and the continuing (and currently more rapid) investment of Hollywood money into new comics ventures.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? If there’s a recession, that will likely become the central narrative for anything that happens in comics in 2019. Even if there isn’t, however, I’d still be interested to see what the flow of outside money into comics looks like by the end of the year.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? TEEN ROMANCE COMICS (I FEEL NO GUILT)

Who inspired you in 2018? This is a total cop out, but this year has been crazy for me and I owe a great deal to an enormous network of friends, colleagues, and mentors who have both supported me and given me opportunities that have made 2018 the best year of my professional life. From my Editor-in- Chief Heidi MacDonald to everyone at First Second to my lunch pal/business adviser Brandon Montclare to my frequent creative collaborator and awesome pal Ryan Cady– I owe all of you (and many more whom I didn’t name here) a great deal.

MariNaomi, cartoonist, database administrator

2019 Projects: In addition to maintaining the Cartoonists of Color and Queer Cartoonists databases, I’m gearing up to get the Disabled Cartoonists (TK) database up and running.

On the creative front, I’m coming out with Book Two of my Life on Earth young adult graphic novel trilogy, and finishing up Book Three (for release in 2020).

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? Cody Pickrodt suing Whit Taylor and her supporters.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? Cody losing his suit, I can only hope.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Finishing up my trilogy and finally getting time off to read some freaking books!

Who inspired you in 2018? Whit Taylor and her supporters. They’re going through a lot right now, stuff that nobody should have to go through, and keeping strong, fighting back. That’s really inspiring to me.

Hibbs, l., with Breanna Thumler

Brian Hibbs, Retailer

2019 Projects: We love and joy these days is hosting the Graphic Novel Clubs  — I adore talking to smart and talented folks about exciting new work and the nuts and bolts of craft!

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? The increasing weariness (and wariness) that the average Direct Market retailer is feeling about the market leaders: Marvel, DC, and Image. We’re ending 2018 with the lowest confidence in the future of comics that I can ever remember among my peers. And I lived through two crashes! The odd thing is that the numbers aren’t really that bad — but we’re being asked to work harder and harder (and more speculatively) for the same reward. Virtually every comic published now has 2+ covers, and the worst publishers out there are offering five or more for most every title they publish. The system is getting too stressed, sucking almost all of the “joy” out of running a store.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? I keep expecting Barnes & Noble to collapse at any moment. I also expect an increasing number of “I’ve had enough of the industry nonsense” closures in the DM. At what point do these changes coupled with the utter lack of faith most retailers (in both markets) have in the most of the product make it so that AT&T and Disney decide it isn’t worth still publishing the comics? Everyone “in” comics can be working at 150%, and we’re now at the whims of souless multi-national corporations to keep the engines humming.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Despite me putting “breaking news” first in the survey, I actually look forward to Heidi rants a whole lot….. man I miss that period when you, Spurgeon and Dirk Deppey all had daily rants….

Who inspired you in 2018? Honestly, just talking to creators about craft keeps me going: we’re well past a hundred hours of interviews now. Go dig through the video archives at https://www.comixexperience.com/archives

Henry Barajas, Writer, Director of Ops at Top Cow Productions

2019 projects: I’m working on La Voz De M.A.Y.O. and La Loca: Via Con Diablo! Brush up on your spanish, gringos!

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? Batman Damned #1 no doubt. It swept every news outlet. Every comic book shop whether they liked it or not, had to talk about the pink, fleshy elephant in the room.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? Someone has to create an app that will make ordering comics from your local comic shop easier. It’s the year of Bladerunner for crying out loud!

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Burnouts by Culver, Geoffo, and Dwonch. Stoners killing aliens. It’s mindless fun.

Who inspired you in 2018? Joe Illidge. Joe stuck to his guns, helped make some amazing comics, and raised profiles for some marginalized voices. I don’t know anyone that can lose two editorial gigs in one year, brush his shoulders off, and say “I can’t wait for you to see what’s next.”

Randy Reynaldo, Cartoonist

2019 Project: Rob Hanes Adventures #20 — I’ll be at the 2019 San Diego Comic-Con for my 21st appearance, following my receiving the Inkpot Award at the 2018 show!

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? Passing of Stan Lee

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Avengers: Endgame — gotta see how it concludes!

Kat Kan, Librarian/Comics Reviewer

2019 Projects: I write the Graphically Speaking column for Voice of Youth Advocates, and the February 2019 issue will mark my 25th anniversary of writing about comics for the library world.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? For libraries: the new Excellence in Graphic Literature Awards created by the Pop Culture Classroom. And the creation of the Graphic Novels & Comics in Libraries Round Table as an official part of the American Library Association.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? Continuing growth in the use of comics in schools and academia.

Bonus questions:

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Getting back to “normal” after Hurricane Michael devastated most of my city (Panama City, FL) in October.

Who inspired you in 2018? I admire my friends and colleagues in libraries and schools who have worked so hard to gain recognition of comics as a valid form of literature for study and research. I’ve pushed so hard for this since 1983, when I first started working in libraries, and I love seeing so many more people take up the banner over the past several decades.

J.T. Yost, cartoonist/publisher, Birdcage Bottom Books

2019 Projects: We’ll be publishing two new books and at least one minicomic this year. “Blood & Drugs” – a story of fall & redemption by Lance Ward, “Rooftop Stew” collecting lots of uncollected autobiographical and fictional weirdness by Max Clotfelter, and “Future Corpse”, a collection of new short work by Eva Müller (we published her death obsessed “In The Future, We Are Dead” last year). See previews below.

What was the biggest story in comics in 2018? Annie Koyama moving away from comics publishing.

What will be the biggest story in comics in 2019? President Trump implementing a new Comics Code Authority that only censors work critical of the president and his administration.

What guilty pleasure (of any kind) are you looking forward to in 2019? Probably some dumb tv show or something

Who inspired you in 2018? Avi of Silver Sprocket

  The Beat's Annual Creator Survey Part 5: From Emma Rios' new book to "Blood & Drugs" - and an update on Mirror And so we wrap up this edition of our yearly wide-ranging survey of creators from every end of the business on what happened and what's coming.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i decided to stop and read for a while. i finished my drawing goal for the day, but i won’t have the scene ready for tomorrow evening. 

i’m about out of posts for the comic.

maybe i’ll try to finish one more panel before bed... i dunno.

umm anyway i got up this morning kinda late, like 9:30, even though i was awake for a long time beforehand. i was doing something on the computer... i don’t remember what it was. my tumblr activity feed is broken again which is really aggravating, since i can’t see if people liked my comic posts recently unless i check the actual posts. makes it feel more quiet. that’s what i need right now. definitely. silence. a flat “0 notes” line.

i considered putting my halloween story into the writing club’s google drive to see if i could get feedback on it, but raul basically said that the only person who leaves comments on others’ work is me.

i tried talking to one of my acquaintances about his story when he said something about it in a discord channel. he was cagey about it, which is fine of course. he left without asking about my project or progress or anything. i got up and brushed my teeth. i realized it was 11 already so i made an early lunch.

lunch made me super ill and exhausted so i went back to bed for an hour. i putted around on the internet for an hour watching a video while refreshing my tumblr and deviantart pages. nothing came up to comment on. i felt bored and irritated so i started doing homework just to have something to, like, interact with and pass the time. i got caught up on my class notes, which is a relief. i would have done some grading but i saw my comic scene sitting on my desk and realized i couldn’t neglect it for yet another day. i made an oven dinner and watched another video in the meantime and ate miserably trying to get my thoughts in order, and then wrote that other post and then got to work. mbmbam cheered me up a little bit. i finished four panels. six and a half left. i could finish that loose half a panel if i gave it another 10 minutes... 

eventually i started feeling bland and gunky so i put the sketchbook to the side and read a fanfiction for a while. but it feels like... i’m reading it to complete it, you know? like i just want it off my bookmarks bar / to-do checklist. normally i’d be all over the fandom and topic but it’s hard to feel engaged right now. it was like that with my drawing, too. i’m really happy with the paper quality and the way the panels are coming out- something about the pencil work just looks really, really good in a way my other, ancient sketchbook hadn’t been able to hold. i wish i could feel happier about that. or, more consistently happy? i wish the happiness would last longer than the exact amount of time i’m looking at the page? yeah, that.

and the scene itself is even not upsetting, for once. i’m happy while i’m drawing it, but i dunno. something seems to wear off after the first 30 minutes and it’s hard to stick with it. it’s not really artist’s block... i know exactly what i want to be drawing and how to do it. it’s just that i can’t enjoy anything right now and it all feels mushy and gray. 

(kind of like the actual art of the comic, dohohoho)

i did feel less lonely though, getting to work and listening to a podcast and putting together all the trappings of productivity. reading distracted me for a while, even if feeling like this was also distracting me from the reading. 

tomorrow i’ve got an extra em lecture to attend, as review before the midterm. i’m not gonna skip it, but i am just... exhausted. i gotta finish an entire assignment for my other class before wednesday, and the midterm is also on wednesday, and... gaahhhhhhd. i’ve got three missing em assignments, and each of those takes like 6-8 hours. (i’ve got sooz’s help, so it will take less, but the learning still has to get done...) grading has to happen somewhere in there, and finishing the scene, and trying to move this entire comic delay trainwreck back on schedule with my bare hands. 

i don’t even want to talk to anyone anymore at this point. harrison is actively exhausting, i just haven’t really felt a connection with tia or harith or any of the new students... everyone else seems just too hard to reach out to. it’s hard to want to talk to closer friends because i get so caught up in “is this conversation balanced? did i ask about their day? i need to catch up with them first. oh they have something to talk about. it’s way easier to listen to their story about their trip and look at pictures. oh now the conversation’s over i guess.” (or whatever. i’m not talking about anyone specific. i’m not mad or upset or anything. i’m just so tired.)

i’m choking up 200 dollars at my therapist appointment on tuesday, to cover my deductible... at least i’ve got my budget fairly balanced now. i gotta get snoopy to the vet in two weeks which will put a hole in my pocket. and i also need to start actively complaining to my mother’s insurance company about the reimbursement they never gave me despite the doctor’s office filing the paperwork for me. that’ll cover snoopy’s bills. 

everyone at the office seems to think i’m, like, super nice or work hard or whatever. i’m so tired all the time. i did, at least, today, keep my screaming entirely internal. i think the most noise i accidentally made was a strangled groan when i had to get up after sitting in the comfortable chair to too long transcribing class notes. 

but! sitting curled up in the chair like that hurts an entirely different part of my back than sitting at the desk, so it gives my shoulders a chance to rest. 

what i mean is, i didn’t go off at anyone. i got kind of curt with harrison and i said something unnecessarily gloomy to asher but i kept it... restrained, more than usual. i think. just wait for it to go away. no one can help anyway. no one would help. no one would know to help, that i need help, or how to help.

i’m so tired! i’m too tired to do all my stretches every single day! i’m too tired to reframe every bad thought as it comes up! i’m too tired to challenge every single bit of the endless tsunami of negative self talk all day every day! i’m too tired to do the dishes after every meal! or even every day! i’m too tired to go to bed on time every single night and do the breathing exercises and try to force myself asleep. i’m too tired to get up and comfort myself after the scalding nightmares until i can sleep again. 

i’m too tired to do any of the things that would make me have enough energy to do them. and i’m too injured to go for a bike ride and enjoy the cold front that blew through town and lowered the temperature by like 15 degrees. the best i can do is keep my window open and try to ignore the downtown noises. 

maybe i could go stand in the public pool. if i can get myself up early enough. that cheers me up a little bit, sometimes, not always. 

i wish i had someone with me to do those things. but i don’t. and no one’s gonna do them but me. so i gotta also devote energy to being my own cheerleader while i don’t even have the energy to not be my own worst enemy. 

“nothing better to do.” that’s all the motivation i’ve ever had. sometimes it’s enough. but not always. sometimes i’m too tired. gotta lay on the floor and make whiny noises and stare off into space for five hours.

then i gotta pick myself up and get moving again. no one’s gonna pick me up. can’t lay there forever. i don’t like laying there doing nothing. 

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. didn’t get much sleep last night either. i stayed up to watch adventure time like a nerd!!!! ZERO REGRETTI!!!!!!

i managed to get an extension on my homework due today so i turned that in at the end of the day. my day completely exhausted me though. took three hours to finish the assignment, on top of whatever amount of time i’d put into it so far. but i managed it!

we have another exam in that class in like two weeks. i’m gonna die.

after that i grabbed spaghetti with my classmates and then went to group therapy. literally everyone complimented me on a thing i said to two of the other members to remind them that even if the good times don’t last, it’s still important that they happened, and it still matters. 

it eventually got morphed into “if you’re happy once it’ll be easier to become happy again” as we played compliment telephone but that’s ok, whatever they want to take away from it. whatever helps them better.

after that i did the homework, and then i talked to harrison for a bit, and then i biked home... i made tacos for dinner but i didn’t use enough sauce mix (and too much olive oil) so they came out a little bland and on the oily side. that’s ok, i made up for it with tons and tons of lime juice.

then i sat down and FINALLY WORKED ON THE MAIN COMIC FOR A LITTLE WHILE. my drawing speed has plummeted in the last week and i only got two panels done (out of 21 for the scene) but, like... i dunno it was nice to be working on it again. i enjoy drawing the characters and tweaking the dialogue and having them interact with the foreground and stuff. i don’t really have the space to do that with notebook comics.

i also drew one more notebook comic, just one page, but it’s kind of in epilogue territory so i guess i shouldn’t post it. i like where the story leaves the characters at, development wise, but i feel like i might draw some little comics that take place in that final time period along with the full scene i have in the script. “reformed supervillain” is too fun a character archetype to leave it untouched.

the problem is, as usual, continuing to tell the story in order, because otherwise it would be very confusing for my readers. i’m so excited to get to the later stuff! even though i’m so excited to be drawing the scenes i am drawing right now too!! and i have all these little side stories i want to tell that don’t advance the main plot but give the characters more room to breathe so we can see different parts of their personalities!!!

i wish i had like, eighteen of me so i could be drawing all of this at once. the story isn’t, like, epic length, but it’s still gonna take forever. i’ll have to see what i can condense, more than i have already. most of the length, now, is from descriptions and specific dialogue bits i want to use (and the character thoughts i need to convey without being able to use a lot of words), rather than separate scenes. hopefully that’s a good sign. my arc 1 prompts tended to be 1-3 lines in ms word but arc 6 has an early (kind of short actually, should be 2 pages) scene that has 237 words trying to describe the mood i want. so i actually have no idea how long this story is going to be honestly.

anyway, tomorrow i gotta teach for hour hours, and go to the drc, and also somehow find time in there to do my stat mech homework. and, i guess, start studying for the em test coming up in two weeks. and keep up with my grading, which is still behind, despite the fact that i graded 11 lab sections over the last week! i’m only 3 behind right now. i’ll have two more tomorrow... ghghhghghghghhhhhh

something good today is that people seemed to genuinely appreciate what i had to say in group therapy today, even though i barely talked. i think i spoke up three or four times, and at least one of them was to make a dumb pun. 

so yeah. that was my day. it’s midnight now. i’m having some anxiety, as it happens. i REALLY want  to listen to music for a while longer but i know i shouldn’t... i’m so tired.