the fear of falling apart
A/N: happy day 1 of @flower-husbands-week! listen i had a perfectly fluffy idea in mind for this but suddenly jimmy decided to have self-worth issues and scott decided to have a bit of a steven universe durin the "do it for her" song moment. enjoy! (title is from This Is Gospel by P!ATD)
Warnings: implied/referenced character death (mostly just talk of death), innuendo, self-worth issues, crying, arguing, suicidal thoughts (but more in the vein of valuing one's life below someone else's)
Summary: Jimmy realizes something about the other red and green alliances, and decides to try something similar for himself and Scott. However, it doesn't exactly go as planned.
(for flower husbands week day 1: vow)
AO3 Link
-
Jimmy had come to something of a realization over the past few days. All of the other green life and red life alliances were extremely devoted to each other. There was the intensity of whatever Martyn and Ren had going on with the “Red Winter,” Grian literally swearing his life to Scar’s, and even Cleo and Bdubs had their deal with building the Crastle together. And it bothered Jimmy that the same intense devotion wasn’t quite there between him and Scott. They were married, for goodness’ sake! Shouldn’t there be something more than what the others had?
Those thoughts turned over in Jimmy’s head as he watched Scott tend to their sheep. Scott’s giggle rang through the clearing when one of the sheep butted its head against his hand, likely looking for a treat. Jimmy was fairly certain a soft, adoring grin came to his lips at the sound. At that moment, Jimmy had his mind made up. He was going to do something to prove how devoted he was to Scott.
Jimmy resolved to make a plan and do something grand later… but then hesitated. Why should he wait? He knew what he wanted to say and how he felt- besides, part of him was afraid that if he waited any longer, he would die before he had the chance to say what he wanted to. So after gathering some flowers from their home, gently weaving the colorful blooms together into a flower crown, he made his way over to Scott. His husband grinned at him, noticing the flower crown in hand.
“Aww, you made me a flower crown!” he cooed, leaning forward slightly, expecting Jimmy to place it on his head. But part of Jimmy bristled a bit at Scott being the one with his head bowed. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go- Jimmy wanted Scott to be the one with his head held high, not a worry on his mind because he had a red on his side to protect him.
“No- here, hold on,” Jimmy murmured, gently maneuvering Scott so that he was standing upright. Scott flushed a bit at Jimmy’s hand resting on his jaw to tilt his head up, but his expression quickly turned to fond exasperation as Jimmy had to go up on his tiptoes to properly place the flower crown on his head.
“Jimmy, you just made that harder on yourself,” he said with a laugh. One of Jimmy’s hands slipped down to rest on Scott’s cheek, thumb gently smoothing over his face.
“Didn’t make sense, you with your head bowed for me,” Jimmy said softly. Scott’s brow furrowed in confusion, a fond little huff of breath escaping his lips.
“Jimmy, you’re the one not making sense here,” he said. Scott’s confusion only grew when Jimmy’s hands withdrew from him entirely and dropped to one knee before clasping Scott’s hand.
“Scott, I-”
“Jimmy, normally I wouldn’t complain about you getting on your knees, but you’re acting weird,” Scott interrupted with a teasing grin. If Jimmy’s face hadn’t been grayed and decaying, he was sure he would have been furiously blushing.
“Scott!” Jimmy managed to get out. Scott only grinned wider.
“What? All I meant is that you proposed and we’re married already!” Scott said far too innocently. Jimmy rolled his eyes.
“Scott, please. I’m trying to be serious here,” Jimmy huffed. Scott’s grin turned to a concerned frown.
“Jimmy, what’s going on?” he asked softly. Jimmy took a shaky breath.
“Scott, I don’t know how much time I have left-”
“Please don’t say that,” Scott interrupted, his voice barely above a whisper as his eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“But I want to promise you that with every day that passes, every step that I take- I want to- I will protect you,” Jimmy said firmly. Scott let out a wet chuckle.
“You can barely protect yourself- I’m fine, I promise,” Scott said, trying to stave off tears. Jimmy shook his head.
“You don’t get it, if something happened to you- I’d never be able to forgive myself,” Jimmy said, squeezing Scott’s hand. He never wanted Scott to be in harm’s way, ever. If there was any way Jimmy could prevent Scott from harm, he was going to take that chance and do whatever it took to keep him safe.
“To me?! Jimmy, what if something happens to you while you’re- you’re on some- some… some half-brained quest to protect me?!” Scott sputtered, free hand gesturing widely. Jimmy let out a breath, shaking his head. Scott just didn’t get it.
“It’d be worth it, if you were safe,” Jimmy said softly. That apparently was the wrong thing to say, as Scott’s expression suddenly turned borderline furious as tears freely streamed down his face.
“I don’t want you to die for me, Jimmy,” Scott fumed. Jimmy blinked up at Scott in confusion.
“I- well I’m not really keen on dying either, but for you it would be worth-” Jimmy was cut off by Scott suddenly kneeling in front of him, ripping his hand out of Jimmy’s grip to instead grab at his shoulders.
“NO! No, that is not happening, ever. We aren’t- you’re talking like we’re Dogwarts or something, Jimmy! You said you didn’t want me bowing your head to you, but I don’t want that from you either!” Scott said, voice trembling and cracking every now and then as he spoke.
“Scott, I just-”
“You just what?! You just thought you could kneel there and say you’d throw your life away for me, and I’m just supposed to be okay with that?! Do you think I value you so little?” Scott said, voice petering off from aghast and angry to something soft and mournful. Scott’s grip on him was borderline painful as his fingers dug into his shoulders, and Jimmy felt something akin to shame curl in his gut at Scott’s teary eyes.
“All the other alliances seem so… devoted. More devoted than us, and we’re married! I just… I dunno, I guess I thought it’d be romantic. I wanted to make some grand proclamation or something… but I didn’t really think it through,” Jimmy said sheepishly. Scott’s expression softened, and he loosened his hold on Jimmy’s shoulders.
“Jimmy… we don’t need some grand proclamation or anything to be devoted to each other- and we sure as hell aren’t doing it on unequal footing. Either we do this together, or not at all,” Scott said gently, but tone leaving no room for argument. JImmy let out a shaky sigh.
“I know. You’re right, I’m sorry. I just… when I heard you laughing with the sheep, I realized I wanted to make sure you could always sound that happy and carefree. But I guess I goofed on that a little,” Jimmy said softly, reaching up to brush away Scott’s tears. He leaned into the touch with an amused little huff.
“It’s okay. And I’m sorry too, for exploding on you a little. You just… the way you were talking scared me,” Scott said, that soft and mournful tone coming back.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jimmy murmured. Scott hummed in acknowledgement, his eyes searching Jimmy’s expression for a moment. Whatever he found, he didn’t like, judging by the wrinkle in his brow.
“You don’t- you do know that I’d never want you to risk yourself for me, right? I’d much rather you live for me,” Scott said gently. Jimmy felt a lump grow in his throat as he tried not to cry.
“I- I’m not sure I know how to,” he confessed softly. Scott looked like he was going to cry again.
“Jimmy…”
“It’s not as bad as you think- I guess my idea of protecting you was more fighting for you, it’s not that I want to die… I guess I just forgot how to live,” Jimmy said with a sniffle, rubbing at his eyes. Scott let out a soft, comforting sound, pulling Jimmy into his arms. Jimmy melted into his embrace, hands grasping at Scott’s back as he let himself break down.
“Then we’ll relearn how to live. We’ll build up our defenses, enchant, make potions… and if we need to fight one day, then we’ll fight. But until then… we live. To have and to hold, remember?” Scott said softly. Jimmy nodded, not wanting to bring up the “until death” half of that vow. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of Scott dying, ever. And as for Jimmy? He was going to live. For as long as he could, he was going to live for Scott. That, more than his desire to protect him, was his solemn vow.
-
general mcyt fic taglist: @actuallymothman @corazon10000 @damiensaidno @franticfandomfanatic @gattonero17 @hetapeep41 @meowdy-pickles @space-ace123 @vyeoh
97 notes
·
View notes