#for all dancers who potentially are reading this after seeing their own classes reflected in klaus's

[hoperays-song]

Character Deep Dive: Klaus, Ryan and the Dance Troupe

Finally, it is done! I hope y’all enjoy this deep dive!! Just please read the trigger warnings first. Seriously, read the trigger warnings first. Cannot stress that enough. Also shout out to my beta readers, y’all are amazing!!!

- <3 Gooseless

Character Deep Dive: Klaus, Ryan and the Dance Troupe

*TW: This deep dive will mention abuse, grooming, misuse of power, and manipulation. All the events and actions mentioned are based on real world events told to me by friends in the dance industry and my personal experience and research into the industry as well. However, this is just a theory based on my analysis and the analysis done by others. No hate to the people who actually like this character. Again, just a theory. Also, there were two attempted murders on screen as well as implying other murders had taken place in the second movie, so I feel like this theory (while very dark) isn’t the darkest the series could go and is therefore not that out of place. DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE TO ANYTHING PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED. Also, no, this is not Klaus friendly. What about anything I’ve ever posted would make you think it is? That man gave me multiple panic attacks and made me go back to therapy for a bit because it reminded me of stuff, so nope, not going to be friendly. *

 As someone who was in dance my entire childhood and was raised by someone who was a dancer for 14 years, I always enjoy watching the representation of the dance world in media. I’m constantly looking for small details that allude to the real-world dance culture and I was ecstatic to note that in Sing 2 we got to see some of those cultural aspects as well as a wide range of diversity within the dance class itself. However, less than forty seconds in, I noticed what would become my main issue with the movie itself, the character Klaus. 

Klaus’s actions were shown to be antagonistic and cruel, yes, but the fact that they were brushed off at the end of the movie to allow him to continue to work with a student he was shown on screen to physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse for the simple reason of “he now knows what he’s capable of and won’t underestimate him again after that performance”. The thing with Klaus is that the major issue wasn’t his underestimating of Johnny’s abilities, it was the very blatant abuse and belittlement that was a constant part of his class. It was bad enough to cause Johnny to have at least one panic attack, and that’s Johnny. A kid who was raised in an extremely high stress situation and is used to being dragged through Buster’s bad and typically very dangerous ideas. Within the course of the first movie, we saw him chased by cops, trapped in a flooding building, and face down a group of potentially dangerous gang members. And while he seemed more than slightly worried and a good bit scared in some of those scenes, it was never enough to cause him to have a panic attack (at least not onscreen).

Yet, when you put him in Klaus’s class for two weeks and he ends up having panic attacks and is clearly extremely burnt out to the point other characters start to notice. You have to ask, what is going on there? Well, after analyzing (probably way too much) everything about Klaus and the dancers I could and doing a ton of research, this is the conclusion I’ve drawn.

 Analysis and Allegations

The actions we see from the character Klaus are far from just concerning. Not only do we see Klaus verbally berate and belittle his students, but we also see him physically hit them. No matter what modern media tells you, these are not normal in the dance world. That’s just blatant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse> It should not be tolerated or seen as normal under any circumstances. And, what’s worse is Johnny’s almost definitely not the youngest in that room. One of them, yes, but most likely not the absolute youngest. Most professional dancers report their first official contract at the age of 18. However, troupes are known to have members as young as 15 years old. And since Klaus was hired as choreographer and was able to produce a troupe on such short notice (literally canonically overnight), those are probably all his current students, meaning those kids could be as young as 12 (the age when most professional dancers report starting to circle the professional sphere, however dance classes can start as young as 2 years old). That is further backed up by the fact that every student stayed.

Now I understand that that statement itself might seem weird, however, contrary to popular opinion, dancers are some of the most terrifying people I have ever had the genuine pleasure of meeting. It’s a cut-throat industry and dancers are a lot of times forced to learn to stand up for themselves against abusive choreographers and directors that don’t actually value them. Most dancers I know would have just walked out the moment they saw how Klaus was treating the others, let alone if he started treating them that way. It’s very much an industry based on self-worth to survive. So, the fact that everyone in that class stayed told me that not only were they used to Klaus’s abuse, but they were also more than likely conditioned to take it. 

Like I said, most dancers tend to be extremely good at sticking up for themselves. Sadly however, as in the majority of athletics industries, grooming is a huge problem in dance. As I previously mentioned, dance classes can start as young as 2 years old with most professional dancers reporting to have started seriously training at the 4–6-year-old range. That means that young children, I can’t emphasize that enough that these are children, are being exposed to Klaus’s abuse on a daily basis (Choreographers typically are also teachers at a dance school and since anyone with common sense would fire him to avoid a lawsuit, I would believe that Klaus owns the school). And as anyone who has interacted with a child before can attest, they are incredibly trusting. So, if they were told by an authority figure that they’ve been told they can trust, like say a teacher, that something is normal and not a big deal and they’re lucky enough to have a nice teacher as others are worse, they’re going to believe it.

Even if as they get older and realize that they were lied to and are in fact being mistreated, a lot of times they feel trapped or have no support systems outside of the people involved in the bad situation. Especially if you have been going to a specialized school where everyone around you has been going through the same thing and your contact with people outside it is extremely limited. This can be made worse by the power held by higher ups in the dance industry (choreographers, casting directors, etc.). Those higher ups completely control the lifeline of everything in the industry. One bad word from one can seriously be a career ender. Not only that, but those people tend to be more successful, more in the public eye, and therefore can sway public opinion against whoever might have spoken up with ease as well as making court cases where poor dancers are going up against vastly successful higher ups a literal nightmare for the dancers. A lot of times they cannot afford a good attorney and will end up losing the case or being hushed by settlements that they desperately need due to a lack of work.  

         Therefore, I believe that even if Klaus’s abuse of his students has been brought to light before, it more than likely was swept under the rug. And I believe his abuse of Johnny was evidence proving that theory. Why? Well, Johnny is different than every other student in that room. Not just because he’s never danced before, but because he is not a permeant member of Klaus’s Troupe. He’s only there for the run of the show. And if you are struggling to see why that might be important, let me explain. Johnny has no stake in Klaus’s success. He will not be affected if Klaus’s name is dragged through the mud. He will not be out of a job if Klaus is fired. What Johnny is, as Klaus and every member of that Troupe must know, is a close, personal friend of the director and absolutely can affect their employment status if he wants. He can have them fired and replaced with a different group the next day if he really wanted to beg Buster for a new teacher. Klaus knew this and still chose to target and abuse Johnny. He knew how risky that was and he still did it. That shows to me that he’s gotten away with that kind of thing before. He’s more than likely done this to several other rookies and not faced consequences. And if he’s willing to do it to them, people with no reliance on his success, he definitely is willing to do it to his students, who are relying on him for essentially everything. If Klaus’s reputation is ruined, so is theirs and their resume will probably not get them as far. If Klaus goes under, they suddenly are out of jobs in a city known for its competitive performing job market. If they speak up, they’ll be fired, and Klaus’s reputation will absolutely carry him through any court case they may try. They are very likely end up homeless and hungry if they lose their jobs with him. Klaus has all the power. And he knows it.

         Those are the primary reasons I believe that not only did Klaus physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abuse his students, he more than likely is guilty of several much more sinister crimes like grooming and misuse of power.

 Ryan, The Primary Victim

          This part of my theory is where it gets a little more intricate. In dance, there’s a role in most organizations known as the Principal Dancer. The Principal Dancer is the top dancer in that company and frequently are given not only solos but starring roles in shows the company is hired to perform. Starting to sound familiar? That’s because that’s exactly what we see happen to Ryan. Ryan is given the role of being Johnny’s dance partner in the duet, one of the starring roles in the scene of a show being put on by a head of the entertainment industry. However, when we look at the students during this announcement, none of them look surprised. Ryan seems to have been the choice that everyone was expecting. On top of that, Ryan is the only one of Klaus’s students to publicly receive praise in front of the others, something that again doesn’t seem to surprise anyone. Klaus wasn’t doing that just to make Johnny feel bad (he would have pointed out how other students were doing better than him too), he clearly has praised Ryan before. Ryan is Klaus’s Principal Dancer. And upon realizing that, I immediately started to worry for him.

         Principal Dancers are often used as the example for all other students to follow. They stand at the head of the barre during warmups and help other students during practice. They can even help the teacher/choreographer with the choreography and the class overall. Essentially, they can tend to take on the role of a teaching assistant. And rather unsurprisingly at this point, we see Ryan doing just that during the practice scenes. While we never see them doing group warmups on barre, we do see Ryan seemingly helping another student correct their pose when Johnny shows up late for class. In fact, he’s the only student not doing those poses and is instead walking between the others as if checking what they’re doing. He also then proceeds to do the fight scene choreography perfectly. And while we might be meant to brush that off as “oh, he’s a talented dancer, of course he can do the choreo perfectly”, I’m here to tell you that essentially no one can do choreo absolutely perfectly on their first full run through. And that’s what it’s hinted at being, especially for Ryan. Johnny might have learned bits and pieces of the fight scene choreo before that point, however, Ryan’s role was announced in that very scene, and he was still able to do the choreography perfectly. That means that Ryan had practiced that choreo before, more than likely numerous times till he was able to do it flawlessly. And that means, he was more than likely practicing alone, or at least without Johnny (a neutral third party who would note and potentially protest any abuse), with Klaus.

         We know that Klaus has hit his students before, hell we see him do it multiple times in the movie itself, and we know that he also verbally and emotionally berates his students on the regular. We can see by how his students react to this, how scared they look, that they too are targets. And statistically, the person closest to the abuser is typically their primary victim. In this instance, we know the person closest to Klaus within the troupe is Ryan.

         What’s more, the behaviors of Ryan and Klaus within the movie hint to this fact as well (this is probably where I go into over analysis but I’m too far deep in this rabbit hole now so). For starters, let’s look at the scene where Johnny, Buster, and Gunter enter the training room. The first thought that blared through my mind was their shoes. If you didn’t know, street shoes are not allowed on practice room floors, like ever. It can wear down the flooring and therefore make it extremely dangerous for the dancers. So, the fact that the dancers didn’t say anything in of itself was odd, but then again, the Principal Dancer might have been the one expected to speak up in that instance since it involved the show’s director. Speaking of the Principal Dancer, Ryan is the one dancer we do not see in that opening scene. He’s nowhere to be found and neither is Klaus. Now, Klaus being gone on the first day of a show isn’t that surprising. Choreographers have a lot of people they have to talk to such as the director, the publicity manager, the wardrobe department, etc. but Ryan being missing is odd. For one, he would technically be, at least honorarily judging by the troupe’s dynamic, in charge while Klaus is gone, and two, there’s no way they didn’t know they would be getting their new dancer (Johnny) that morning. Having no one there to formally met him or tell him the expectations would spell disaster to a cohesive first practice. And yet Ryan is missing. He could have just stepped out for a moment, true, or been helping Klaus with something, but we never see him being treated as an assistant choreographer so that seems a bit far-fetched to me. Therefore, I have chosen to believe theory three: he wasn’t allowed to be there.

         Now some of you might realize where this theory is headed, but still, let’s keep going. Why wouldn’t a Principal Dancer, the top performer in the company, be allowed to be there when the new student was introduced for the first time? I don’t think it was due to the new student, it was due to who would be there with him. Johnny didn’t walk into that practice studio alone, he walked in with the director and the screen writer, two people of power on set. What’s more is that those two are currently being backed by one of the heads of the biggest entertainment industries in what’s hinted at being the world. They have power and they can use it. If Ryan would have said something to them, perhaps warning them of what Klaus is like or asking for help, they would immediately have them removed from the show and done anything in their power to help Ryan. Therefore, Klaus kept Ryan close or might have even sent him out to do something to avoid him saying anything that could hurt his image. And what’s more, I think Ryan would have. Let’s look at Ryan’s behaviors throughout the movie now, shall we?

         First off, I will admit Ryan is a character with one to two lines and a surprisingly limited amount of screen time for actually being decently important to the plot (though he might have more/close to the same amount screen time than Alfonso if I remember correctly. I’ll have to check.). The first time we actually see Ryan, it’s at Crystal’s Auditions. However, he’s not auditioning. From what I can see (and common fan theories) he’s there to support someone, maybe a friend, maybe a child of a sponsor of the dance company. And he’s also more than likely supposed to be networking for the company as well, getting these potential rich sponsors to like him enough to support Klaus’s company. That is a job assigned to Principal Dancers at certain companies after all. In the scene where we see Ryan, we actually notice him mostly paying attention to Johnny (yes, I do ship them, no, that is not where this is going, nice try). In fact, we see him look him up and down and watch him the entire time he’s in the room. Why is that important for non-shipping reasons? Because there is no way Ryan did not recognize Johnny the next day when he showed up in Klaus’s class. He saw him as a janitor and the next time he sees him apparently his director is friends with Clay Calloway, and they can put on an award-winning show with only three weeks of prep? Yeah, there’s no way Ryan didn’t know that wasn’t a lie. He knew they snuck in. And he didn’t say anything. Klaus would have absolutely used that as ammo against Johnny if he knew and we don’t know enough about the other troupe members to know if they would have told him if Ryan had mentioned it, so it’s a decently safe assumption that he didn’t say a word. He was willing to protect them and their secrets, no questions asked.                                                                                           

         Now, onto where we actually see a fair bit of Ryan, the dance classes. This is where we finally see Ryan being acknowledged as the Principal Dancer as well as a surprising amount of his personality. For starters, we can tell he’s extremely patient and dedicated. He never seems annoyed or upset that Johnny’s struggling so much to the point they have to go long. He is just calm and steady, doing the choreo over and over again the exact same way so Johnny can get used to the same movements. He also has clearly been dancing since he was a kid to reach the rank of Principal Dancer when he’s as young as he is (I always though he and Johnny were close in age, 18-19 years old). So, what do we now know about Ryan? That he’s trustworthy, patient, and very dedicated.

         Now on to why this personality we see hints to Ryan actually being a threat to Klaus’s reputation. Ryan doesn’t act like Klaus. And why does that mean Ryan doesn’t agree with Klaus’s views? Well, a lot of times when people of similar ideologies and behaviors are together, they amplify those traits in each other (think about things like political rallies or groups of friends). Or think of how couples who have been together a long time develop the same habits or how kids mimic their caretakers (and since Ryan is Klaus’s Principal Dancer and probably been training with him for years that probably the closest fit). However, Ryan’s mannerisms and personality seem to be the exact opposites of his teacher’s. He’s even willing to sneak into Crystal Theatre to help them put on the show apparently behind Klaus’s back, seeming to lead the other students there. He doesn’t align himself with his teacher’s ideology towards Johnny at all. In fact, we see him being extremely supportive of the other boy during the show and practices. At this point, it’s pretty clear to me that Ryan has definitely grown disillusioned with whatever Klaus probably told him as a young student and in fact seems to rebel against his teacher’s wishes constantly. He wouldn’t have held back if he had been alone with Buster and Gunter that day. He would have warned them.

         You might be asking “So if this is the case, why hasn’t Klaus fired him then?” Well, simple, sponsors. Remember how I said earlier that Principal Dancers are commonly used for networking between different troupes? Well, as we can observe, Ryan seems to be a very friendly and outgoing guy. He seems like the kind of person who can make friends quickly and easily. And while that is great for making those networking connections, it also means those connections are more than likely fonder of Ryan, a cheerful and friendly young adult, then Klaus, who is shown to be a perfectionist and egotistical. If Klaus was to fire Ryan (especially since I don’t think Ryan would sign an NDA), Ryan would more than likely go to those sponsors and ask for help. He likely could financially cripple the troupe if he wanted to. Klaus is kinda stuck with him at this point.

         And that being stuck with him, especially since Ryan is almost definitely under contract, spells worse news for Ryan. If he leaves and breaks contract, he can be sued, and that lawsuit would probably destroy his future in the dance industry. And if he stays, Klaus more than likely is going to target him even more to try to eliminate the chances of Ryan saying anything (gaslighting, scarily common these days). Ryan is trapped between abuse and essentially financial desolation for the foreseeable future.

        That wraps up by deep dive into the theory that sprung to life after watching the interactions and behaviors of the dance troupe and Klaus in Sing 2. And in the case of a TL:DR scenario, I believe that Klaus has committed much worse crimes than what we’re shown on screen and I believe that Ryan is his primary victim.

[loregoddess]

9, 10, 12, 20, and 21 for the octo ask game!

Heads up for those who haven't played the game, there are spoilers galore bc endgame stuff had me going insane in a good way. (Also I once more got carried away chatting so uh, under the cut for length and spoilers)

9. Favorite build for [character]? Hmm, overall I felt like Octo2 was much more flexible with how the secondary classes worked, and I wasn't like, devoted to having any one character in a specific class, but I really enjoyed using Arcanist Temenos to make optimal use of the Sunshade Staff and definitely for no other reason at all (jokes aside, using the dancer divine ability on Arcanist Temenos means he can use Prayer for Plenty one turn to boost everyone potentially up to 9999 hp, and then use Reflective Barrier the next turn to bounce magic off the team and it is SUCH a satisfying combo to use).

10. Favorite town? Oh probably Wellgrove, it just had such a nice atmosphere (ignoring the Blacksnake orphanage) even if the music ended up stuck in my head for a week. But I really liked Montwise, Canalbrine, and Conning Creek too.

12. Favorite travel banter? All? Of them? Do I have to choose? No okay, you know the one I think about way more than I should is Ochette and Temenos's travel banter during his Ch.3 at Crackridge in the Fellsun Ruins like, man, I know Ochette kinda gets written off as this silly and naïve character a lot, but I 100% believe she's actually probably one of the most intelligent characters, like just for being able to navigate several cultures that are entirely different from her own and the linguistics involved with all that. BUT also bc she's actually really emotionally intelligent, she's always in tune with how the other travelers are feeling and like, this really shows with all her banters with Temenos but like, in their Crackridge banter specifically she's able to figure out that he's really unsettled and disturbed by basically everything that's happening that chapter (never mind the fact that you can play Crackridge after Stormhail), and just, generally not in the best place emotionally bc he's also still dealing with the grief of loosing Jorg, but like, this is Temenos, the guy who several people note wears a mask 24/7, who never wears his heart on his sleeve bc it's locked away in a box behind several very tall and sturdy walls, and yet Ochette is not only able to pick up on the fact that the mural in the ruins (on top of everything else) makes him upset, but she also figures out the best way to cheer him up a little without overstepping his boundaries and like. GAH IT DRIVES ME CRAZY BC AGAIN THIS IS TEMENOS WHO IS SO PRIVATE ABOUT EVERYTHING but Ochette's still able to read him, still able to know what he's feeling, like damn. Ochette is amazing and I love them both so much, and also it's a really cute banter and somehow it doesn't feel like it takes away from the weight and darkness of everything about Crackridge and the Fellsun Ruins, despite being much more lighthearted than, y'know, everything. Yeah.

20. A moment that gave you chills (or you just found creepy)? Hmm, for "this was really unsettling" reading all of Ori's Diaries was just. Damn. Like I had been spoiled on her being part of the Moonshade Order beforehand but I couldn't wrap my mind around how that was supposed to make any sense bc like, she's so cheery every time we see her till that point, and then reading those journals was just like--everything made perfect sense suddenly, but in the most tragic, horrific way possible. I was so relieved to find out she lived in the end, bc again damn. I love Ori so much, and she deserves a break and a happier life.

For just creepy, there's this little girl NPC who stands outside the Crackridge Inn at nighttime, staring at the inn, but if you try to talk to her she just runs off towards the ruins. If you follow her into the next screen she won't be there. There doesn't seem to be any explanation for this girl, and I spent a good hour or so collectively trying to figure out what her deal was. Considering that this is in the same town as the man who talks to a dead tree as if it were his wife, and Crackridge is also just south of Gravell home to the terrifying "stuffed toy" that did not vanish from that boy's inventory after I got the Sunshade Staff, I'm thinking the Wildlands are just outright haunted and should be avoided as a place to live permanently. How Paritio's family ended up in the only normal town in that area is beyond me.

21. A moment that made you laugh out loud (or you just found funny)? Partitio offering to strip for some random man he'd just met. Also Pala's incredibly messy attempts to flirt with Mikka which somehow worked? Pala: "Hey you can come be my wife. Haha, just kidding...unless?" GIRL HOW??? Veronica and Dolcinaea being disaster lesbians was also hilarious. Honestly for as dark as this game can get, there's a lot of really good, silly bits in it too, so I'm forgetting all sorts of stuff I know I laughed at.

[hookedontaronfics]

Honky Dancer series - Chapter 4

Chapter title: Piano keys and heartstrings Read the previous installments here: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 Rating: M Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Slight cursing, alcohol use, sexual tension A/N: Plenty of fluffy fluff and feels in this chapter! More mature themes will develop, so be warned! Enjoy! X

My first inkling of the jealousy my friendship with Taron, and by association Richard, had caused came that very next day. I had just made it to the studios and ran to the bathrooms, my bladder about to burst as the tube had been running extraordinarily behind that day. I shut myself into a stall, wrestled my way out of my leotard and tried to stop the moan of relief as I finally was able to pee just as a group of girls pushed their way in, chattering among themselves. I recognized their voices almost immediately; there were four dancers, all of them from the same kickline team, who had had nothing to do with anyone but themselves. They were cliquey and snotty and incredibly lucky they were talented because they sure wouldn’t be picked based on their personalities.

“I don’t know why that twiggy bitch thinks she’s better than anyone else,” one of the girls said.

“Ugh, I know Riley. She’s got nothing on you but all they do is pay attention to her. Like she’s special or something.”

“She’s not even that pretty,” one of the other girls sniffed. I had to roll my eyes as I realized they were talking about me. The next thing they said was lost to me as I flushed the toilet and had the satisfaction of the girls all falling dead silent when I popped the door open and stepped out. I just gave my most winning smile to their expressions of surprise reflected in the mirror while I washed my hands, and left the bathroom with my head held high. I promised myself to take the high road with those girls although I didn’t understand their jealousy really.

I hadn’t expected or sought out Taron’s friendship at all. If anything it really had fallen into my lap, or rather, I had fallen into it, quite literally. I would have loved to have rubbed it in their faces that I had a date Saturday night with him, but people like that rarely learned and it would only add fuel to their jealous fire. Twiggy bitch, though, that was a new one.

I made my way to the studio and plopped down next to Leah, needing to avoid Markus for the moment if I could. I started warming myself up, and Markus was trying to make eye contact with me. I just couldn’t handle putting on a show for him for the moment, so instead I turned to Leah and told her what the other girls had said about me and she instantly sympathized.

“You shouldn’t listen to a bloody thing those girls say. Bad apples in every bunch, you know,” she shrugged. “Besides, I think it’s nice that Taron is chummy with you. You seem to put him at ease when he’s around you,” she grinned.

“Really?” I said a bit nervously. I hadn’t ever thought of it that way before.

“You make everyone around you feel more comfortable and confident. Look at Pietre, for example,” Leah said, waving her hand over at my tow-headed friend, who was casually chatting with a couple of other guys. “When he came in here he didn’t say a word to anyone and I didn’t even think he was going to be able to make it through auditions. But your encouragement and support really helped him come out of his shell. And I think Taron’s been a bit anxious until he sees you and then he just lights up. That’s a very special quality you have. You’re like the mother hen to all of us, but in the most supportive way possible.”

“That’s … incredibly kind of you,” I said softly, feeling incredibly humbled.

“So it’s any wonder that he gravitated to you. If I only had half the magnetism you possess...,” she laughed.

“I totally owe you a lunch or something now,” I said, overwhelmed by the sweet words.

“What, for saying something that’s true?” she asked, so nonchalantly I’m not sure she realized how much it had hit me in the heart.

We were busy through rehearsals and I could instantly tell that Taron was already feeling more confident, being playful with the routine and not having to concentrate so hard on the steps themselves. My heart especially soared when he effortlessly nailed that move we’d worked so hard on; to be a part of helping him exude that confidence made me feel a bit proud. No one else had to know that, of course. It would stay our little secret.

Once rehearsals were over, Markus immediately came up to me, telling me how much he’d missed seeing me yesterday when we didn’t have rehearsals; a part of me felt instantly bad for the things I had been thinking after our date night. Looking at those puppy dog eyes he was giving me now, I really wondered if I was just being a bitch to him, so I vowed to myself that I would give him a chance when I wasn’t being a drunken idiot.

“Yeah, I missed you too,” I smiled genuinely, appreciating the way his sweaty shirt clung to the muscles of his chest. He was an incredibly sculpted man, I can tell you that.

“We should hang out again soon, maybe Saturday?” he offered, and I had to shake my head.

“I already have plans, sorry,” I said, trying to play up being chagrined even though those plans were with Taron, and I was very much looking forward to it. “But maybe we could catch up on Monday after rehearsals?”

“That sounds lovely,” he said, giving me a toothy smile that lit up his whole face. Okay, it wasn’t Taron’s crinkly-eyed smile, but it was still cute.

“Can I ask you a kind of personal thing?” I said, looking around me just to make sure no one was over-hearing us, but everyone was caught up in their own conversations. He nodded and I had to gather up my courage to ask. “Did you wear a condom when we slept together? Because I don’t really remember that and I feel like I need to know.”

“Well no, I didn’t. You’re on the pill, right?” he replied with a bit of a shrug, and I felt my heart stutter a little bit in my chest. Shit.

“I’m not, Markus. It’s always messed my body up really badly, so I can’t take it,” I said, cringing slightly. How could he just assume that about every girl he slept with? What a massive oversight.

“Ahhhh,” he said, seeming surprised at least but not nearly as worried as I felt he should be. “We’ll talk about this later, when we have some one-on-one time,” he said, looking over my shoulder. I turned around and spotted Taron walking toward us, and he looked from my worried expression to Markus’ startled one, and at once seemed concerned.

“Everything alright?” He asked as he sidled up next to me, placing a hand gently at the small of my back. That wasn’t lost on Markus as he drew himself up to his full height in some weird kind of effort to intimidate Taron.

“We’re doing perfectly well over here, thanks,” Markus replied in a steely manner as they both stared each other down.

“Well, I was just heading out, so… I’ll see you two later,” I replied, not willing to be in the center of whatever this was turning out to be. Markus was threatened by Taron, and Taron was jealous of Markus; neither of them had any need to feel those things, but the tension was making me feel uncomfortable. Taron seemed to read that vibe from me though and backed down slightly, but I still hurriedly grabbed my bag and shuffled out of the room without giving either of them a glance backward. 

I had other things to freak out about, like the fact that Markus could potentially have gotten me pregnant. It was mostly unlikely but not totally impossible, and I still had two weeks to go until my next period. It was going to be a very long, anxious two weeks. Another baby would probably completely derail everything I’d worked so hard to build, especially with a guy I wasn’t 100 percent into. The idea of it felt rather devastating, no matter how much I loved my daughter, and all of this fear made me feel even more confused.

I took the tube home and fell face first onto my couch, completely exhausted. Between maintaining classes, Rocketman rehearsals, being a mom and now this new weird balancing act between Markus and Taron, I could barely handle my emotions or keep myself awake. Still, my phone pinged with a text and I made myself dig my phone out of my purse and focus on the text.

<Is everything really alright? You looked so completely upset when I walked up.> Taron had texted me.

<I’m not really sure to be honest, Taron, but I’ll figure it out. I have to.>

<You will and I’m here to support you fully. If you need anything at all, let me know, okay?> he sent back, making my heart twinge slightly. I didn’t deserve his kindness, that was for sure.

<Thank you, that means a lot.>

<Of course. Are you going to be seeing Markus again?> he asked, and I closed my eyes and sighed slightly at that.

<Yes. I think it’s only fair to give him another chance.>

<You don’t have to explain to me. I just want to make sure you’ll be okay, that you’ll be safe. Maybe I’m a little protective of the people I care about, but I can’t see that as a bad thing.> 

I’m someone he cares about?, I wondered, my brain a bit of a haze as I unintentionally slipped off to sleep, my phone still in my hand. When I woke up later it was fully into night. My neck had a painful crimp in it from sleeping in a funny position, and I just felt more exhausted than before. I was actually grateful for once that Clara was spending the night with her father. I needed to get some food ready, so I dragged myself off the couch and made a quick bite before taking care of Troy and making sure he was settled in before calling it an early night.

I didn’t exactly wake up the next morning feeling refreshed, but I was at least not half-dead. Which was good, because I had two morning classes to teach, including my much-loathed aerobics class, before heading to rehearsals. I was already sweaty and gross when I made it across town with barely any time to spare. I took my spot on the floor for warm-ups, noticing Taron and Richard weren’t there yet, and then disappointed to find out they wouldn’t be in rehearsal that day after all. I felt like I was going through the motions a little bit as we started working on some choreography, my mind focused on other things, and I was just grateful my body knew how to take over.

At some point in the middle of rehearsal a thin woman with a pinched face came in and spoke to the choreographer briefly. He looked at me and called me over, my stomach dropping to my toes instantly. “What’s wrong?” I asked, trying to wipe the sweat off my face.

“A man came here asking for you. He said he was your ex,” the woman with the pinched face said. I felt my heart racing as I worried that something bad had happened to Clara.

“Make it quick,” the choreographer said, but not unkindly, and went to assist someone else. I stepped outside and followed the woman down a couple hallways and into an office, where Zayn and my daughter were sitting. Clara was busy playing a game on Zayn’s phone and seemed overall okay, though she shouldn’t have been out of school yet.

“What’s going on?” I asked quietly.

“I punched a boy because he was teasing my friend and saying not nice things to her and then he pushed me down when I told him to stop,” Clara said before Zayn even had a chance to speak.

“The school suspended her for the rest of the day,” Zayn added. “Mostly so the parents of the boy wouldn’t try and sue. Clara gave him a bloody nose.”

“Oh, Clara-Bean,” I said, shaking my head but finding it hard to be mad at my daughter.

“Well he’s a big bully and everyone knows it and the teachers won’t make him stop. So I did,” Clara said defiantly.

“Yes, well, using your fists probably wasn’t the best way to handle that, sweetheart. I commend you for defending your friend, but there are other ways to handle bullies,” I said carefully, wanting to make it clear violence wasn’t the answer, but not wanting to discourage her spirit either. “Next time you come to me and we’ll figure out a solution together, okay?” I said.

“Yes, mummy,” Clara said with a nod.

“Anyway, I need to get back to work. I was hoping you could take her for a bit,” Zayne cut in. “I just started this new job and I don’t have any sick time I can take. They were being generous in letting me get Clara from school as it is after you weren’t picking up your phone.”

I ran a hand over my face and tried to figure out what to do. I wasn’t sure I could be excused from rehearsal for this, but it would take my mum at least half an hour to get across town. I sighed and called my mum, making sure she could come pick Clara up, and my daughter would just have to sit in the studio and hopefully behave for the next half-hour or so. 

As we were leaving the office, though, of course we just happened to run into Taron, and I suddenly felt a wave of anxiety pass through me. While I knew Taron needed to be told about my daughter and my past if we were to continue our relationship, this was not exactly how I had planned it.

“Hey! Shouldn’t you be in rehearsal?” he grinned cutely at me, brightening at seeing me, as he always did.

“Should be, yeah. Had a bit of a family emergency though,” I said, nodding at my daughter. “Taron, this is Clara,” I said, not even realizing I was holding my breath but he took it completely in stride and if he was surprised, he kept it off his face.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Clara,” he said, offering his hand, which she took and shook rather enthusiastically.

“I’m 7 and mum says I’m too smart for my own good,” she announced, making Taron just chuckle.

“Is that so? Well being smart is never a bad thing,” he said with a wink.

“I guess so,” she said with a shrug. “All the other kids make fun of me though.”

“Well some day you will be the boss and all the other kids will have to work for you, and then it won’t matter,” he replied, and the smile that spread on Clara’s face was the sweetest thing to see.

“Did you hear that mummy? I’m going to be the boss!” she said excitedly, and I laughed with her excitement.

“I do believe it’s true,” I smiled, before introducing Zayn as well. Taron was polite with him and Zayn excused himself quickly after that to get back to work. “My mum’s on her way to pick up Clara, but I just don’t know what to do about her until mum gets here,” I sighed as Taron walked along with us back toward the rehearsal room.

“I could give her a tour of the place, show her all the interesting bits, if that’d help you out. I’m literally doing nothing at the moment,” Taron offered.

“Oh, I can’t ask that of you,” I said, shaking my head.

“You didn’t ask, but I’m offering. It’ll be fun for me too, you know? I’ve got two sisters around Clara’s age,” he smiled, turning to Clara. “Would you like to see the recording room?” he grinned a bit mischievously, and Clara instantly lit up.

“Can I mummy? Please?” she asked. Damn if Taron hadn’t gotten around my objections far too easily. I wasn’t about to disappoint my daughter now.

“You two have fun then,” I said, a bit helplessly as Taron just winked at me.

“Oh, we will. Now get back to dancing,” Taron grinned, and I had to think I was crazy for leaving my daughter just randomly in his care, but what could a half-hour really hurt, right?

I returned to rehearsals and tried to keep my mind focused, but I couldn’t help wondering what Taron and my daughter were up to, hoping she was behaving for him. She was a good kid, but could be precocious when she wanted to be. I was so grateful when rehearsal was finally over. It’d been another hour and my mum had left me a text that she had arrived at the studios but then I got nothing else. I quickly called her as I gathered up my bag, but she didn’t answer. I also texted Taron and got no answer from him either. I wanted to assume that my mum had found Taron and Clara and already left, but I wasn’t absolutely sure, so I hurried along the labyrinth of hallways, looking into rooms and trying to find Taron if nothing else.

I heard the giggles long before I found them, followed by some tinkling of piano keys. I quietly snuck up on the room, peeking around the corner. Seated on the piano bench side-by-side were Taron and Clara, my mum looking on from the side. I pulled my phone out and couldn’t help quietly taking a couple of snaps, especially when Clara looked adoringly up at Taron, and he was smiling sweetly down at her. It stole my heart for a moment until Clara finally noticed me haunting the doorway.

“Mummy!” she squealed excitedly. “Taron is teaching me to play like Elton!” she said. “Can we play it for her?” she asked Taron excitedly, and he grinned and nodded. 

“You remember the notes, right?” he said so gently as Clara placed her fingers eagerly on the keys. They played the first few bars of music from “Your Song” together, Taron playing the chords while Clara did a fairly decent job with the melody. They hadn’t gotten very far into the song, but she was still so excited about it that all of us were left beaming.

“That was so good, Clara-Bean!” I grinned, giving her a hug and mouthing ‘Thank you’ to Taron as I did so. I was also trying hard not to swoon over Taron himself being so sweet with my daughter.

“She’s going to be a real talent, dear,” my mum said proudly. We chatted a little bit longer but I didn’t want to take up much more of Taron’s time, though he promised me he truly enjoyed spending time with Clara.

“See you tomorrow? I’ll pick you up at 6?” Taron said as we were taking our leave.

“I’ll be ready!” I said with a grin.

As my mum and I and Clara left the studios, my mum turned to me and placed a hand on my arm. “You need to hold onto that one if you can, dear. Handsome AND good with kids? He’s perfect for you!”

“Mum!” I said with a laugh. “We’re just friends right now. I don’t know that he’d want a ready-made family like that anyway,” I said, shrugging the idea of it out of my brain immediately. It wouldn’t do me any good to get my hopes up, though I was grateful Taron hadn’t seemed remotely bothered that I already had a daughter.

I made arrangements to take Clara over to my mum’s for an overnight Saturday before my date; I think my mum might have been more excited for it than I was at the moment. I’m sure she just wanted me to find someone to be happy with after seeing me go through so much in the past with Zayn and a handful of other awful experiences with men. I hadn’t really told her about Markus either, and didn’t intend to unless it became an actual thing.

My daughter and I spent a quiet Friday evening pigging out on pizza and ice cream in front of the telly, watching our favorite movies together and even painting our nails “every color of the rainbow” as Clara requested. We both crashed hard when we could no longer keep our eyes open, slept in late, had a lazy breakfast of cereal and orange juice, packed an overnight bag for Clara and then played with Troy until it was time to take her over to my mum’s.

Once Clara was good and settled in with her grandmum, I made a couple of quick errands before getting myself home again with enough time to get ready. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect and Taron hadn’t given me any hints as to where he was taking me. I decided a cute comfortable dress (navy blue and white lace, and the best part, with pockets!) and a cardigan would be dressed up enough for something more formal but still casual enough to pass if he chose that too. I piled my hair up in a bun, figuring there was no point in straying too far from the person he already knew I was, dashed on some makeup and otherwise tried to not get too nervous as I waited for Taron to arrive. Was it even possible to not be nervous? I thought to myself.

When the doorbell rang, right on time I might add, Troy immediately ran over to it, barking to announce we had a visitor. I quickly pulled the door open and found Taron standing there, looking dashing as ever in a striped shirt, black jacket and a black hat pulled over his hair. I couldn’t help but stare a little bit as I greeted him. “Hi. Hey. Um… Troy, sit!” I said, my face probably turning red as my dog tried to jump excitedly on Taron.

“Hey there buddy!” he said, patting Troy for a second before grinning at me. “You look beautiful as ever,” he said, leaning in and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. He offered his arm and I took it after grabbing my clutch and locking the door behind me, telling Troy to be a good boy; the dog seemed only a little put out to be left behind. Taron opened the car door for me, which was super sweet, before getting in the driver’s seat.

“Hope you’re hungry,” he said with an amused grin on his face as he put the car in gear.

“I’ve saved up my appetite,” I giggled lightly. “So where are you taking me?” I joked.

“That’s a surprise,” he just chuckled, taking my hand gently as he drove. “I like these colors by the way,” he said, lifting my hand to his mouth and placing a sweet kiss on my fingers, making my heart want to skip a few beats.

“Oh! That! Yeah, I let Clara choose the colors and forgot to take the polish off,” I laughed, almost feeling shy in front of him.

“I think it’s amazing how sweet you are with your daughter,” he grinned over at me. “She’s an adorable kid and by the looks of it, has an amazing mum too.” There had been very few times I’d been rendered speechless in my life; that statement was one of them.

“I… Taron,” I said softly, staring down at my lap.

“You needn’t be shy about that around me,” he said gently. “I do feel how kids turn out is often a direct reflection of their parents. You should be proud that you have a bright, happy, spirited child.”

“She’s something else,” I laughed. “Let’s just say she was having a really good day yesterday. You haven’t seen the tantrums and fits,” I grinned.

“Oh I’m sure it goes with the territory,” he chuckled. “I really would love to experience all that parenthood offers some day,” he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling the way that I so loved.

When someone talks about having feels, well, I was having all of them at the moment. I was sure he could hear my heart beating right out of my chest. Hearing Taron talk about wanting kids some day was just nearly too much to bear, and I truly did believe he’d make an amazing dad. The conversation naturally moved on to other topics, but the feels definitely lingered.

We arrived at The Ledbury and I had to take a double-take over the restaurant he had chosen. “Taron, this is fancy as shit! I’m way under-dressed!” I said, and he had a laugh over that.

“Nonsense. People eat here in jeans and hipster jackets, you’re just fine. In fact, I imagine you’ll be the loveliest woman in the place, if I have anything to say about that,” he said. I felt my heart ache yet again over what he said and I was not going to survive this night if he kept looking at me the way he was at that moment. “Come on then,” he said after clearing his throat and having to tear his eyes away.

We made our way into the gorgeous building, with black curtains adorning the spacious windows that let plenty of light in. I took in the space, the round tables covered in white cloths and plush upholstered chairs. Taron gave his name for our reservation and we were seated and immediately offered wine, to which we both agreed.

I looked over the menu, trying not to gasp out loud at the price of the four-course dinner, but Taron seemed completely nonplussed about it. Right, he was living in a different world than me, where he could pay for a 300-euro meal without blinking but I had to use coupons for basics like noodles and bread, I reminded myself.

I was determined to enjoy every last bite of this meal, though, so I made my selections and just tried to tune into the conversation, enjoying the wine maybe a little more than I should. We laughed a lot though, and I found that I was truly enjoying his company, more than I could have thought possible. He was engaging, kind in every way, funny as hell and charming to bits, and I found myself really opening up to him. I told him about my upbringing, with my mum raising me by herself after my dad left when I was just a tiny tot, and why I was determined that Clara at least know who her father was even if he had disappointed me so much over the years. Taron listened in his patient way and never judged any of my past pain, and for that I was eternally grateful.

I got him talking about Rocketman while we ate, and seeing him so passionate about the project and so endlessly excited about his burgeoning friendship with Elton made me really happy. 

And that food, my god, I probably could have just gone straight to heaven after that meal. I couldn’t even identify half of what I was putting in my mouth, but it was exquisite nonetheless. And of course every meal course was paired with an amazing wine, and of course I had to drink every last drop of that wine, so I was feeling really good - okay, maybe quite buzzed - by the time we ended our meal with the brown sugar tart and buffalo milk meringue. Taron, for his part, had been more careful about imbibing, probably because he would have to drive later.

It’d gotten quite late by the time Taron helped my giggling self back out to the car. The service had been superb, but not exactly fast, and we’d definitely whiled away the hours together. We made the drive back to my house, giggling over stupid shit and singing way too loudly to the radio with the windows down. It was the most alive I had felt in a long time, to be honest, as I let the wind from the open windows whip loose strands of my hair around my face.

Once we arrived back at my house, Taron insisted on walking me to my door, and in a small bit of courage I decided to invite him in. He looked hesitant for a moment, but then caved and followed me in. I showed him about the space, glad it didn’t look like too much of a hot mess, though I had to sweep several of Clara’s toys off the couch so we could sit. Troy demanded some attention but after we doted on him a bit he finally wandered off to his bed and laid down.

“It’s been an amazing evening, so thank you,” I grinned at him, and realized I truly meant it. I couldn’t really believe how fun it had been, really getting to just spend time outside of work and dance together. We had some things in common, certainly, and he didn’t feel so far away from me, sitting on my couch and looking at me like I was the only girl in the world at the moment.

It made my breath catch in my chest slightly as he reached over and brushed the wild strands of hair back sweetly. “I have enjoyed myself thoroughly in your company. I feel that I should thank you also,” he smiled, his eyes tracing the lines of my lips. We stared at each other for that small space of time and then we were leaning into each other, our lips crashing against each other’s in our sweet but hungry kisses. I could still taste the wine on his lips, and I felt my body light on fire as he naturally pulled me into him.

I slid my leg over his lap so I was straddling him, aware of how close I now was, my chest pressed tightly to his as all the wine I’d drank allowed my instincts and hormones to take over my brain. I deepened the kisses, wanting more despite my better judgments, and Taron didn’t hold back either as he pulled my cardigan off, his fingers traveling over my bare arms, and then running over my waist and my stomach, then down to my thighs, where the hem of my dress had ridden up. I’m pretty sure I moaned into his mouth at that point, and I could feel him growing hard between us.

Something wicked must have taken over me, because I ground my hips against him and was rewarded with the most delicious groan as his eyes fluttered slightly. We kissed a few more times but then he pulled away, leaving me panting, and leaned his forehead against mine.

“I can’t do this,” he whispered. 

“What?” I asked, crashing back down to earth with a hard mental thud. “Why not? You clearly want this.”

“But you’re clearly drunk and I can’t take that decision away from you. I’d hate myself forever for that. I need to know it’s you that wants me and not just the wine,” he said, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

I groaned slightly and slid off his lap then, needing to remove myself from the temptation. I knew he had a point, I knew it in the little bit of logical brain I still had left, but that didn’t mean the rejection still didn’t sting. “Of course,” I said, frowning slightly, my lips still tingling and my body still throbbing uncomfortably.

“Please don’t hate me,” he said, his brow wrinkling in concern and sadness.

“God, I don’t hate you Taron,” I rolled my eyes. “No one could hate you. You’re like a bucket of puppies or whatever,” I said, my head beginning to join the throbbing party. I grabbed a pillow and laid my head down on it and sighed.

“You should get some sleep. You might feel better in the morning about things,” he said softly, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch where it was draped and laying it over me gently. I didn’t have the energy to protest this, really, so I closed my eyes and nodded.

“Yes dear,” I yawned, still clearly not in full control of myself and not even realizing that word had slipped out of my mouth. Taron smiled softly and leaned over, kissing me on the forehead.

“I’ll call you in the morning, maybe bring over breakfast, yeah?” he said as I nodded my head, half-asleep already. “This is most certainly to be continued, love” he whispered in my ear, his voice a deep timbre, before leaving me to fall headfirst into my slumber. To be continued? I wondered at that as Taron saw himself out the door. What could he possibly mean?

How will Taron and Juliette’s relationship unfold? And will the drama between Juliette and Markus continue? Keep reading to find out in Chapter 5 HERE!

[qdtquietdownthere]

Day 1- Action Research Residency

Hello Everyone...please find my very long reflection on Day 1 of the residency. 

Day 1

I sat in the cafe at 9.30 am and I was already shocked by the numbers of cakes being bought. The amount of cake being digested at 9.30am. It is hard to miss that these cakes are being consumed entirely by elderly men. At 9.50am two middle aged men come in and buy icelollys, they stand at the cafe and chat to the lady who has served them. The first person who I spoke with today was a man who walked in with a newspaper under his arm and shouted ‘good morning ladies” as i ordered my coffee. We had a brief chat about the heat, then he walked on. Newspapers have been a reoccurring theme today, and they have nearly always been under the arm of a middle aged man.

By 9.30am I am already plunged into both the concept and the happenings of ‘community’. There are signs everywhere for activities. Activities for mums, activities for the over 50’s, knitters, dancers. People seem friendlier here, the pace feels slower than what I am used to in Seven Sisters. 

This morning I attend a class called herbal heaven with 15 people, of which 4 of us are new to the class. Most of the women speak a mixture of Bengali and English. They know each other from school, and ‘about’. A lady who I sit next to told me she moved to the area when she got married. It was hard at first but eventually she felt settled. Mid way through the class the organiser, called Umm, turns up. She knows everyone by their name and when I leave she has remembered mine. Even with 4 new people in the class she still remembers my name. When i speak to her she tells me she is very active member of the community. She is heavily involved in the local school and works for a local charity. It is because of this that Umm has been able to oraganise what seems like an extensive list of free activities. The lady who sits on my left tells me that she crosses the river every Saturday to play badminton with other women from the local area, an activity created and organised by Umm. 

I get to make a face mask, a hand oil, and a bar of soap in the workshop put on by Hammersmith community gardens, the cost of the workshop was completely free. I feel included and at ease and the group add me to their watsaap group- The newest and hottest way to make friends.

The women I met this morning seem to be extremely present in their community. It is easier for women with children to meet each other and attend organised activities because they naturally have something in common. After class I go to speak to a lady who is sat flyering for activities organised by the Abby Centre. The first thing she asks is wether i have kids and i feel my answer (no) has limited the options available to me. Be it about the activities available to young childless women, or simply on a human level, we have lost something to connect over. 

I wonder about 20 somethings and their engagement in their community and their experiences with loneliness. I am excited to meet a mixture of people, but talking to another 20 something is probably the one age group i am least comfortable with. Is it because we feel the need to project that we are thriving and have a wonderfully social life surrounded by millions of fiends? There is more fear in being in a new situation, whatever that may be, if its met by a group of 20 somethings. I wonder where this notion fits in the discussion around loneliness and access to community. I wonder if other 20somethings feel this too. I wonder where they are in this community? What services do they access?

What i am already aware of is the amount of people, so many different people, who use the library. I become a member in the morning and sit and watch people go by as a i half heartedly read a book. There are kids, and young people, and one person with lots of shopping and a young professional looking man with an electric scooter. There seems to be a culture around the library. It is a culture i have never experienced before. It is a free space for everyone. London is wonderful for free space. Spaces offering toilets, shelter, and human interaction. These places are far reaching in a community but i am aware of the journey it takes before getting to that space. In the library i am surrounded by people who not only feel confident enough and accepted enough to use this space, but have the ability to actually get here. 

I am so shocked by how ‘available’ and well-marketed so many activities seem to be. I wonder if all these posters and adverts and knowledge about all the activities around the area has created a culture that expects that everyone will engage with these local services. Are community led activities a given? If this is the case then the culture prevents anyone from feeling l shy or nervous about attending these activities and facilities. This is particularly important because no one wants to say out loud that they are shy or lonely or need friends. I continue to wonder if on a wider scale we have created an idea that attending activities looks like a cry for help. I can see, and know, that it is much easier to simply keep ones head down, look busy and feel like one has control in feeling isolated. 

I walk around Churchill gardens for the first time and it seems like a little oasis. People are outiside walking, sitting. Flats are clustered within open inclusive green spaces and so many of the balconies are covered in flowers. Flowers and the odd St Georges flag. Its not what i expected, the architecture seems social. Where it is kept, between the Thames on one side and a busy street on the other, it feels special. Mutual space is how I would describe it, on my first encounter. Different levels of living, different levels of public space. I see similarities in the mentality of the library and the activities of the area with the geography of the area itself. I can imagine it is a wonderful space to be in when you have the ability to be in it. To be able to walk up and down the curbs of the pavements and get down from the height of the tall flats. I feel a little overwhelmed when i sit and watch people go by because i cant help but think the people who will really matter in this project are the people who are living in those tall buildings, but don't really come out. There are notice boards at the bottom of every flight of stairs in each tower block, i wonder how much these are used?

I eat fish and chips for dinner and talk to the chip man about Lewis Capaldi. He says he has lots of regulars, and low and behold, I would say about 60% of customers who came in he knows the name of. The chip shop has been there for 30 years and he tells me that he has grown up with the people who now eat there.

To end the day I attend a group called writing for wellbeing set up by a wonderful lady who created the group to combat loneliness. We write poetry together and I am so nervous to read it out loud. I even shake. They are encouraging and warm with the youngest member being 10 years old and the eldest, well id guess he is well over 60. Seven of us open up and write and laugh. It is here however that i become extremely aware, if not guilty of my fleeting time in this community. I have been asked and challenged a lot about my role and my ‘job title’. I have been open and honest but have noticed that i can potentially be viewed as someone coming into a community which is already working hard to create and maintain its own community activities. It is vibrant and proud and It makes me worry how i am seen. I am not here to suss out competition, or come in as an outsider to ‘fix things’. This is important, and an aspect of the residency I feel is important to communicate. I think what is maybe key, or what it seems after day 1 (sloooow down Tess) is that Churchill Gardens has so many available activities which the community seems to be able to access, and ones they are so proud of. It is in fact the people who are not sat around the poetry tables, or making bars of soap which are paramount. I wonder now, just before bed if ill manage to talk to these people. 

A wonderful day, with a belly full of chips and fish and mayonnaise. 

[capechicago]

CAPE Network Forum Newsletter: Issue I

CAPE Network Forum Newsletter

Welcome to our first CAPE Network Forum Newsletter. CAPE program and research staff created this newsletter as a way to communicate with our network of teachers and artists, and also to connect with arts and education colleagues in other organizations.

There is an old adage about how in crisis there is opportunity. The current pandemic crisis prompted CAPE program staff to set up the CAPE Network Forum Tumblr page (https://capechicago.tumblr.com/). The Tumblr page was a response to the need to maintain the CAPE network as a vital and evolving entity engaged together in dialogue and investigation. Posts can include CAPE network thinking and debates regarding remote learning projects for students; instructional videos created for students (there are many wonderful examples up now on the Forum); photos and videos of remote learning CAPE student work; written recipes or instructions for at-home work; questions for other network members; reflections on the challenges and potential for remote learning in our communities; larger reflections about the meaning of art or education or community at this time. The response already to the Forum has been tremendous and invigorating.

The other opportunity coming out of this crisis is the launching of this newsletter. The CAPE program and research department, and the network itself, has not had a vehicle for regularly sharing information or news about our current pedagogical and aesthetic research and practices. This newsletter is that vehicle, and we will both draw from the great work of CAPE teachers, artists, and students past and present to share, as well as welcome contributions.

As Artist/Researchers, all CAPE teachers, artists, and students conduct their collaborative investigations and create their work through inquiry. They deconstruct content, form questions, and work together across artistic disciplines without knowing the end until they come to it.

In our present pandemic, schools and their external partner organizations are navigating the unprecedented terrain of remote learning. This is immensely difficult, and many are turning to overtly structured, step-by-step activities for individual students working alone that have set or predetermined results. In this way, it is known for certain what students are doing, and certainty can be comforting.

CAPE has never worked this way; we see uncertainty and the unknown as generative of learning and art making. CAPE’s questions are: can remote learning be inquiry-based and

collaborative artistically and pedagogically? Can remote learning work towards unknown results that can still be publicly shared for further dialogue and questioning? Our artistic and academic research of these questions will form the CAPE network’s response to this crisis. I also believe our response can have a larger resonance for the meaning of art, education, and community collaborations beyond the life of the pandemic.

— Scott Sikkema

Updates:

CAPE artists are likely aware that there is a relief fund grant available to individual artists under the Arts for Illinois Relief Fund (AIRF). The application portal for this grant closes Wednesday, April 8, at 5 pm: https://3arts.org/artist-relief/

Individual Chicago Public Schools submit their formal remote learning plan on Monday, April 6, and enact their plans beginning the week of April 13. Park Forest Chicago Heights District 163 teachers and administration develop formal plans April 8 and 9, working together across grades and schools by video conferencing.

Both Chicago District 299 and Park-Forest Chicago Heights District 163 are implementing remote learning plans which encompass both digital and non-digital (take-home materials), require student engagement and teacher availability (but not taking student attendance), and only assign grades that improve student standing. Classroom teachers should soon be able to share details on these plans. To support online and take-home learning, CAPE program staff have been working with schools, teachers, and artists on distribution of art materials, and instructional videos on youtube. Many schools will begin technology distribution the week of April 13, following CPS central office guidelines. Be aware that CPS has new designations of food distribution sites, which might impact material distribution as well; see https://cps.edu/OSHW/Pages/mealsites.aspx for details.

ISBE divides the remote learning day into periods of skill practice, projects, enrichment activities, and reading. CAPE arts integration work can fit into any of these categories, and CAPE teachers and artists have already demonstrated that across the CAPE Network Forum Tumblr videos. We would especially note the compatibility for arts integration in the project or enrichment categories, and it may be a good strategy for in-school partnerships to conceive CAPE remote learning within one of those categories.

To close on updates, we call attention to the ISBE website: https://www.isbe.net/Pages/covid19.aspx. State Superintendent of Education Dr. Carmen Ayala consistently posts messages that are helpful and direct. She recently announced the availability now in Spanish of ISBE’s very thorough and thought out Remote Learning Recommendations.

Tumblr Highlight:

This week's Tumblr Highlight is on CAPE teaching artist Jordan Knecht's first instructional video. See his video above and the accompanying post below. For more content from teachers and artists, please visit our Tumblr page.

Written by: Jordan Knecht 

Hey everyone,

I’ve been thinking about how I’d like to approach our instructional videos. It’s been so inspiring to see how everyone is thinking about and making their own!

I have plenty of thoughts on my philosophical approach to videos, but I’m going to keep this post brief, because this post is all about brevity.

I just made my first video for class. I made it really quickly, because I’ve been feeling myself tense up with the internal anxiety of not making a video correctly: not making it up to my own standards, missing something, being awkward, etc. I decided to use this first video to pull off the bandaid real fast to get over the awkwardness and move forward. It certainly isn’t perfect, but I knew that I would spend days hemming and hawing over it if I didn’t just make the leap.

In the video, I invite my students to respond something they appreciate having around that helps them fight boredom and provides them an outlet for creativity. That invitation is extended to you all.

Here is the link to the video: https://youtu.be/jfvVcDxMoo4

CAPE Network Interview: Ayako Kato, Interviewed by Jenny Lee

Ayako Kato is an award-winning choreographer, dancer, improviser, and educator originally from Yokohama, Japan. Since 2012, she has also been a teaching Artist/Researcher for CAPE. In 1998, she founded Ayako Kato/Art Union Humanscape, which has been producing a large number of choreographic performances in collaboration with composers, musicians, and visual artists in the US, Japan, and Europe. Initially trained in classical ballet and later modern dance, she also went on to practice Tai Chi, Noh theater dance/dramaturgy, and butoh under Kazuo Ohno, one of the butoh’s founders. Influenced by Taoism and the traditional Japanese aesthetics of "furyu," wind flow, she considers dance as an art of being which expresses "The Way" of nature within and outside ourselves. Within the CAPE network, she co-teaches with Vanessa Saucedo at Telpochcalli elementary school and with Marybel Cortes at Patrick Henry elementary school.

What has been inspiring for you during this time?

Every week since the beginning of this semester, my daughter’s drama teacher has sent us pictures. He’s always an inspiration for me. He communicates very well with us, and we start to know what’s going on in the drama class, and it raises awareness. It becomes more real.

I teach my own adult workshop for professionals and pre-professionals. When this all happened, I felt I was up against the wall. However, after I experienced my daughter’s online lesson, I was encouraged to try out one for mine. I watched a Zoom instructional video on YouTube, learned to share my screen, and figured out how to set up two cameras, one for conversation and another to capture my movement, suggested by my tech-savvy student. My musician husband set up a microphone to avoid feedback without me asking, and eventually even my daughter taught me how to use "gallery view" through Zoom. The first workshop went really well! Step by step, I found out I could do anything through Zoom! In some ways, it was better than a physical class in terms of being able to share some text closely and closely show the detailed movement of fingers and other parts of the body.

What have been some challenges and positives to remote learning?

It was difficult to hear that the schools were closed. I learned a lot about CPS guidelines: no direct communication, no text...I was not counted as an “essential” visitor, which made me sad. Then, who am I? How would I get in contact with my students?

The thing is as a teaching artist, although I try my best to guess, I don’t know how busy teachers are. I don’t know how much parents want to continue the afterschool program in this condition. I don’t know how much students are interested in continuing their artistic practice. I bet parents must be having a hard time keeping up even with students' academic homeschooling. But through my own daughter’s remote learning experiences and online lessons, I could see that when parents, students, and teachers are all together motivated, remote learning can happen. So, after the first week of setting up Seesaw Application, reflecting on only five parents out of eighteen signed up for that, I asked Vanessa if she could reach parents and encourage them to sign up again. Then, thanks to her one more push, we got eleven students/parents signed up now.

I started to see hope through Seesaw. So, with Marybel at Patrick Henry Elementary School, we started to use Seesaw as well as posting the same assignment contents on the Henry Home Page. We decided to set up the means to submit assignments in two ways: Google Drive/email and Seesaw. Again, after we posted our assignment for the second time, we started to get responses. Checking Seesaw two days ago, I noticed that if I click "See Translate" on Spanish, it becomes English. I could read the translation immediately. Then, using Google Translation, I responded in Spanish! So, I am communicating even better than I was in classrooms. I can write to parents even in Spanish. This is a great benefit and I feel magical!

It took a while for me to drop all the expectations I had in the first place when the school was closed. Letting go was important. Vanessa, Marybel and I just have to do what we can. We just hold on to even a tiny hope and find inspiration from other teachers, parents and our students who have the willingness to work together. Then, we can find ways to communicate and keep improving students' potential.

Do you have any ideas or questions about what you, your teacher partners, and students might discover or encounter regarding dance integrated teaching, learning, and/or art making during this pandemic situation?

During this Stay at Home Order, I feel more people started to do running. I see their seriousness to get through this period, maintaining their health. Those people know how the body gets weaker and stiff if they don't move. I myself once had severe pain in my sit bone. I diagnosed myself because I started to sit longer than usual. I fixed it by stretching and moving. This experience made me feel more serious about reaching students to keep them moving. What I mean is not necessarily dance, but moving your body contributes to maintaining your health. The question is what and how. Dance can give you the physically and mentally lifted state of being or the aligned flexible body with lifted feelings. Through dance, your mind and perspective open up more for creative ideas and actions.

I hope parents from the After School program notice the difference in their children when they are having dance classes twice a week versus none. Vanessa was just kindly sharing with me how students had changed through the dance class. They increased more confidence, focus, and constructiveness. I also have been seeing their improvement through not only physicality but also creativity.

Dance is very corporeal; it is an art form of and with the body. Has working and teaching remotely changed any of your perceptions of dance itself?

I have nothing other than even more affirmation on dance or the power of dance during this time! What movement/dance can do to us, the living body, is amazing!! I have been imagining people, things and elements in nature moving at this moment synchronically somewhere in the world. All the things, living things and nonliving things are moving, shifting and transforming on and even inside of the earth. During my online Zoom workshop, looking at the people moving in each different location, I felt, "Wow...this is real. Moving/Dancing together, witnessing and sensing each other who are in other locations, is amazing!" Through my recent live-streaming concert, I noticed the audience can be on the other side of the globe! Live performance cannot be beaten. Yet, I am definitely starting to experience possibilities through "virtual" yet "reality" moments of dance.

www.artunionhumanscape.net, Ayako Kato on Vimeo

Contemporary Recall

Each issue of the CAPE Network Forum Newsletter we will look back at a past example of contemporary arts practice in CAPE.

April 2nd, 2010: Chicago Arts Educators Forum Presentation:

How does our community leverage 21 st Century skills to promote art education?

Written by Mark Diaz:

In creating a workshop on exploring the pillars of 21stCentury skills, my collaborator Mike Bancroft and I looked to interdisciplinary installation art as a practice where art administrators and teaching artists could challenge their assumptions and wonderings around critical thinking, collaboration, creativity, and communication (skills listed by the national Partnership for 21stCentury Skills). Participants entered a room with no tables and chairs stacked high. At the center of the room were rope, blue tape, post-it note pads, wooden sticks, and a tinker toy set arranged without any written instructions. Instead, the instructions, sequenced by an egg timer, were verbally delivered by Mike and myself.

As participants collected in the room, Mike and I played with the tinker toys and posed questions such as “what is technology?” and “what is collaboration?” While discussing ideas about the nature of technology and qualities of collaboration, participants slowly started to play with the materials in the room and started to interact with each other. They then, on their own, began assembling random arrangements in whichever space they decide to settle in. All the materials, including the stacked chairs, were used in unexpected ways. As arrangements started to take shape and form, Mike and I posed questions about what they were making and how they were making. They began discussing the significance of their assemblages, making relationships with what they were making to larger ideas, and in relation to those idea, organizing themselves into smaller groups.

After forming groups within the larger collective, a few members from each group underwent a quick video and audio tutorial. They were sent off to take several random video clips and audio field recordings that were based on ideas that were developing from their installations. Teams reviewed these video clips and audio recordings and were asked how they could be used to embellish or enhance the physical work that was emerging in their spaces. The clips were arranged in a sequences and video were projected on to their installations. Their audios were also played within the installations.

This was an atypical art making workshop where participants were presented with materials not commonly associated with art making. Rather, participants were provided with a situation to experiment with materials in a new way and to consider use of the space in which they create their installations. Participants grappled with the formation of collaborative relationships and through intermittent, timed questions and dialogue, they synthesized concepts and ideas emerging from their projects.

Installation art practice afforded participants to create and innovate without predetermined outcomes. By engaging in critical dialogue about form, space, and meaning, participants utilized technology to enhance their projects. Through minimal yet intentional direction, they self-organized to collectively problem solve the creation of

singular art installations comprised of multiple, interlinked parts. This approach engendered multidirectional participation for educators and administrators to deconstruct and reinvent the 21stCentury skills in a way that opened up more thinking and ownership.

CAPE Program Staff:

Scott Sikkema, Education Director (scott@capechicago.org) Mark Diaz, Associate Director of Education (mark@capechicago.org) Joseph Spilberg, Associate Director of Education (joseph@capechicago.org) Brandon Phouybanhdyt, Program Coordinator (brandon@capechicago.org) Jenny Lee, Research Program Coordinator (jenny@capechicago.org)