#for some reason i thought it wasn't releasing til next week??

[journey-to-the-attic]

one thing about ik is that she will always reach out

[taylor-titmouse]

2023 Book Retrospective

it's pretty much the end of the year, and i've never done this before, but i wanted to take a look at what i managed to do in 2023 and share some of my thoughts on it! i published five novellas this year (though i didn't actually write one of them) plus the public release of the demo and first huge update to You're A Mage on Monsterfuck Mountain. that's a lot!

so let's dig into all that. this will contain some spoilers for the books, because it's hard to talk about them without talking about what's in 'em, so maybe check out my itchio first and grab anything you missed! (but also.... perhaps wait until this weekend before you buy anything. shh.)

You're A Mage on Monsterfuck Mountain, released in March

TECHNICALLY, the demo was finished and available on patreon around the end of last year, and didn't become public until I'd finished the garden update, which i did finish this year. and what a massive fuckin THING that was. 60k words! 50 illustrations!! the biggest thing i ever put out and technically finished, and the beginning of a move to being less afraid of writing "weird" sex. there was so much bee sex in it. arguably too much bee sex in it. which i'd left entirely til last to do which meant i was writing nothing but bee sex for weeks.

this was the first time i let myself really indulge in writing dubcon for the bad endings, and it was a lot of fun. very often it was more interesting than the deliberately horny routes, because it meant writing a way to be put in the situation, and also making it hot every time. i'm very much of the philosophy with dubcon that even if the situation wasn't Ideal for the character, they're still going to get good sex out of it. i believe i put it at another point as, i'm here to write the pleasure of helplessness, not suffering. to that point, the dubcon endings for the armor, the dryad, and the queen bee were my favorite bits from this.

the fact i never got a second update out this year is a big regret. i finished a bunch of the routes for it, but ultimately i wanted to have things i could release! shortly after publishing the demo and update, i officially put my webcomic on hiatus so i could focus more on my graphic novel, and also spend more time on my writing. having that extra time is probably the only reason i was able to write as much as i did this year, and i didn't want to spend it toiling away on a serial project i couldn't release for months at a time.

which leads us to the release of my first novella of the year...

House of the Risen King, released in April

now this is when i truly said "i'm just going to write what i think is hot and interesting and not worry about how it's perceived!!" and went whole hog on exhibitionism and monster dubcon cult horror. house was mostly inspired by the ending of Hereditary, and was originally going to be more poltergiesty and played more straight, with vee being harangued by a bunch of horny ghost-demons and nothing more sinister than that. but i've had cult shit percolating at the back of my brain forever, and i wanted to play with ideas i'd first developed in shadow in the shelves with rituals and shadows, so here we are! the scene of hettie fingering vee in the bathtub while vee's god-fucked out of her mind is my favorite.

fun fact, the original seed for this book was actually going to feature max and mortis, my photographer/model couple (that link goes to cohost because i wasn't posting here yet when i was drawing them the most). the idea was they'd go do an urban exploration shoot and mortis would start getting fucked by a ghost while max filmed it, but the more time i spent with those characters the less i wanted to involve the supernatural. which meant i never wrote their book, and had to make a new character to do the idea. and then it wasn't even that idea anymore.

that's writing, folks

Roger Crenshaw: The Dogs at Duskfall, released in June

... which makes it ironic that the next book is one i didn't even write! r/l monroe @mortalityplays has been my friend for years, and was my editor for a long time (until he got a REAL JOB and didn't have TIME to edit anymore. sobs, cries, kicks a stone and walks into the distance). he's also always been an incredible writer, and for my birthday this year i asked him to write me something. i asked with the expectation of a little short story about our old tabletop RP characters, or a fanfic scene for one of my books he'd edited.

and then he wrote me 20,000+ words digging into the character of roger crenshaw and who he is that perfectly summed him up and tied all his stories together, such that i don't think i ever need to write another one. he did it, he wrote the perfect ending to roger. AND he did it using my favorite of his ocs from our tabletop campaign, AND there's some really hot and sweet smut in it. AND HE DID IT IN LIKE TWO WEEKS.

i loved it so much that i asked if i could illustrate and publish it as an official novella, and to my delight he agreed, and it was so so nice to collaborate with him on it. even if it meant beating our heads against the wall for 30 minutes about the placement of certain images on the page.

this was a great tragedy. i'd drawn the vagina one first, but an image earlier in the book had to be moved, which affected the placement of everything else. the vagina image had been perfectly at the start of a new page, and then suddenly it wasn't. so i had to do the penis one instead for better placement. tragic!!!

it's hard to pick a favorite scene in something written entirely, lovingly for you. how can i choose between the characters' pitch perfect semantic arguments on the nature of folk lore, the millenium princess-ass memory hopping, or the really really hot smut? i can't. i love it all. thank you r/l for being so good at what you do and writing this for me, i'll treasure it always.

The Dragon Double Feature, released in May

apparently this came out in may, and not july. i don't know why i've been convinced this came out in july. oh well i can't be bothered to insert it on top of the roger one.

anyway. THIS book. this book exists because i believe at the time i was a bit blocked, and wanted to just write SOMETHING. for a long time i've had the idea of a dragon wrecking a princess' wedding and fucking her in front of the congregation just sitting in my back pocket. it was the 'i know i could just slam this out if i wanted. i don't have to care about it it's just sex and then it's done' fallback idea, and i finally did it!

and then it was too short. i don't like the idea of publishing anything less than 10k words for full price, so i was like. okay. alright. i've always thought fucking an eastern dragon would be hot and have this other idea i was going to use for roger (back when i had an idea for every monster possible for roger), let's just write that. kenta is only kenta because i took a poll for what body type i should pair with a dragon (he was 'big boy', i think the other options were twink, older woman, and average woman). and i was also Really into the movie inu-oh at the time, which is probably obvious with kenta being a blind musician, lol.

the musician and the waterfall was tougher to write because i didn't have a clear vision of how it should end or even how they should fuck (the mechanics of fucking long noodle dragon have challenged me for years) but i'm ultimately pleased with it. it would have been a long time since i wrote something sincerely romantic, and it was nice to go back to it. i'm a HUGE romantic at heart.

both stories are pretty much one extended scene so it's hard to pick a favorite moment from them, but i will say i'm very pleased with how i approached writing the musician and the waterfall, specifically in the challenge i set myself to never use visual description kenta couldn't reasonably guess. writing from the POV of a blind man made me focus in on different senses and ways to describe them.

this book is also, as of right now, my best seller. which is great! i love that for me.

The Dragon Double Feature 2, released in July

okay i guess THIS one released in july.

anyway i got stricken with the curse with this one. a lot of people wanted me to write a sequel, but i wasn't going to. and every time i say i'm not going to do something, i end up doing it. it's so annoying. this one only happened because i wanted to write a SHORT! a SHORT extra for patreon describing kenta and wakatake's first time having sex as humans.

and then i wrote too much preamble describing their time on the beach. and then i got emotionally invested in unpacking their actual relationship, and also added a third character with mrs arakawa, and had to bring it all together into a story that was coherent and had something to say about the way they loved and ALSO ended in a THREESOME because WHATS THE POINT OF INTRODUCING A THIRD CHARACTER if they aren't all going to FUCK TOGETHER!!

it was tough. but i'm really, really happy with it in the end, and think it's one of the best things i've ever written. my favorite scene is definitely them playing with the hermit crab on the beach. metaphors babie.

the gundrid/eveline story is fine too. lmao. i NEVER PLANNED TO WRITE ANOTHER WITH THEM!! i only did it because the idea of publishing a sequel to a story from a double feature without writing a sequel to the other half of the feature was insane. and now eveline and gundrid are some of my most beloved characters, to the point of writing another book featuring them...

The Tenebrous Tower, released November

yet another book i'm pretty sure i was like 'i don't need to write this. this character doesn't work for a story on his own, what am i ever gonna do with him' and then i dumped a bunch of fantasy characters into a jar with him and suddenly i had a story. I ONLY MADE ROMICK BECAUSE I WANTED TO DRAW FUCKED UP WIZARD PORN AND MY ONLY OTHER OPTION WAS A GRANDPA!!!

anyway i started writing it as something to do on vacation, and it was just gonna be a bunch of dungeon bdsm vignettes until i hit on a throughline and suddenly i had a story and an emotional arc and damn i did it again. i did it again. i have a book.

i was expecting this one not to do very well because it had multiple prerequisites, but because i am a master of my craft i made sure to write it so you didn't need to read those. and then people read it without reading those. so it worked out anyway and now it's done just about as well as dragons 2. the people love romick, but they especially love the idea of him being destroyed. maybe someday. maybe someday. (except on patreon, where it's already happened)

the final vignette with the doll is, of course my favorite. i think it was a lot of people's favorites.

............................................

and that's everything i published this year! honorable mention to my novel starbuster, which i'd written most of last year, then spent all of october this year revising with the intent of finishing it, only to run out of steam by the time i was done revising it. so it's exactly where i left it last year. just better written. god it would be nice to finish that fuckin thing next year.

my goals for 2024 are, of course: release more books!! i have a big project i've been working on illustrating for the past month that i'd like to release in january, and i've also been working on a spin-off one-shot with mrs arakawa and an oni. i think this coming year i want to Try to blast through some of the one-off ideas i developed this year so they'll quit banging cowbells in my brain. like the sleeping garden. it makes me insane i never actually wrote the sleeping garden.

anyway if you actually made it to the end of this, thank you!! if you've bought all of these books, double thank you!!! i've been able to pay my rent and expenses just with my adult work this year, and it's been amazing and fun and super fulfilling. thank you for supporting me in 2023, here's to a horny 2024!!

[radiorenjun]

Hug. ⅲ

→Pairing: Liu Yangyang x Reader

→Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

→Warnings: Swearing, Bullying, Attempt Suicide and mentions of self degrading, insecurities, anxiety, negative thoughts, physical injuries.

→Looking from the perspective of Liu Yangyang, the boy who bullied a girl to the point she had a scar to burden both of their lives. He lived on with a heavy heart until he finally enters college and bumps into a girl with a familiar scar and the same tattoo on her wrist as his.

→ Chapter: ii, ⅲ, ⅳ

→Tags: @wonho-ssi , @chuu4you, @uglyratlmao

17 Years Old

Yangyang stared emotionlessly out of his window, watching the bright sun illuminating the light blue sky, clouds slowly moving away with every passing second. Eyes staring emotionlessly as he stared into nothingness without a single thought in mind.

His eyes flickered to the small tattoo on his wrist. The unremovable stain of ink stuck to his skin forever reminding him of his wrong doings. A small tattoo of two balloons, symbolizing his soulmate and him living together through the cruel world.

Yangyang buried his head in his arms, sighing in exhaustion as his eyes never moved away from the infuriating mark on his wrist that bonded him with his soulmate which appeared a year ago.

He hated himself. And he hated life that he had to endure this pain for the rest of his time in life.

Weeks ago, Yangyang walked out of the registration room, signing up for classes for college. 'Being in a music major didn't sound too bad, right?' was the only thing that came to his head when he passed by the music room of his college.

Even though he was in his senior year of highschool, Ten said its never too early to start thinking about college. What's the harm in taking in applications early?

He poked his head through the doorway, looking into the classroom where different instruments lay in the back of the class, seats perfectly align next to one another. He sighed as he stared into the empty classroom, his hand sliding down the doorway as he turned to walk out of the building.

"See you soon, Y/n!" a girl said, making Yangyang's eyes grew wide at the name. It sounded so familiar, he felt a presence walk passed him and he turned to see a girl walking pass him.

She was wearing a school uniform, her hair covering her face as she walked by. The only thing that attracted Yangyang's attention was the scar on her bottom lip, the scar of a stitching. His mind made his eyes see none other than the girl he bullied back in 6th grade.

Out of reflex, Yangyang grabbed the girl's wrist gently to stop her from walking further away from him. "Y/N L/N?" he asked hesitantly, his heart rate increasing nervously as he watched the girl turn to look at him.

There she was.

The same girl he bullied mercilessly as a child. For some reason, the world looked brighter then moment his nervous eyes met her shy ones. He slowly released his grip on her wrist once he caught her attention, words gathering on his throat as he quickly thought of what to say.

He felt his heart pounding nervously against his chest, it seemed as if the world got brighter the moment their eyes met. He didn't know why but he couldn't let her go on without speaking a word to her.

"Um," Yangyang mumbled, a hand reaching back to scratch his neck nervously as he avoided her eyes for a second. "Do you remember me?" he asked, pointing a finger at himself as he gathered up the courage to meet her bright eyes.

"From 6th grade?" he gulped nervously, waiting anxiously for her reaction. He watched as her eyes grew confused for a short moment, trying to recall who he was before her eyes widened in shock. Suddenly, she made a run for it, running away from Yangyang, making a sound with every step.

"W-Wait! Y/N!" Yangyang exclaimed, running after her, a hand reaching into his bag to pull out a familiar crumpled old notebook as he chased the girl across the hall.

Y/N ran across the hall, around the corner and down the staircase, pausing slightly to see if Yangyang had followed her but her eyes widened to see Yangyang's figure catching up to her, making her run down the steps and sprinting as fast as she can to hide.

The girl ducked down under the railing, hoping that he would pass by and go away. Yangyang kept calling out her name frantically, looking around in hope to see the girl. "Y/N!" he called out once again in the quiet hallway.

He almost missed the poor girl kneeling down to hide herself under the railing. He let out a grunt as he find himself kneeling before the shy girl who froze in place when she saw him kneeling in front of her with a small shy smile stretched on his face.

"Uh, hey." he sucked in his bottom lip anxiously mentally beating himself up with how lame that sounded. "What are you doing here?" he spoke hesitantly, fearing that she would run again before he got the chance to apologize to the poor girl he bullied.

She hesitantly pointed at the banner standing a few feet away behind him, making Yangyang turn and squint his eyes to make out the poorly written letters. It was an advertisement for the new arts class that's opening up for college students.

"Oh. So you're here for college, too?" Yangyang asked, only to internally face palm afterwards. 'Of course she is, Liu, why do you think she pointed at the damn banner?!' he thought.

He watched her nod as they both slowly stood up, engulfed in the awkward atmosphere surrounding them, not knowing what to say next. "Hey, since like," Yangyang asked hesitantly.

His eyes avoiding hers as he continued, "Since, we're going to see each other more often once we graduated. Do you," he pointed at the girl before pointing at himself, "want to be friends?" he finished, intertwining his fingers together before gasping at his actions.

'You prick, that was what she was telling you years ago!' he groaned internally. Nervous to see whats her next move, his eyes wide to see her lips form a genuine smile as she nodded, stretching out her arm to shake his hand.

Yangyang bit his lip before he smiled, putting his hand in her smaller ones. His eyes squinted as he saw the small tattoo ink on her wrist, trying to make out its shape. Apparently, y/n caught his eyes before letting go of his hand and showing him the ink stain on her wrist.

Yangyang's eyes widened at the shape of two small balloons on her wrist, identical to the ones on his. His mouth gaped open slightly as he rubbed his eyes slightly to see if he was hallucinating, rubbing it a bit too hard to check if he wasnt dreaming.

A pang of guilt that had been injected into deep of his heart has made it sunk down to the pit of his stomach. Most people would be thrilled. Hell, alot would've cried tears of joy if they found their other half who they were longing to meet for years.

All Yangyang felt at the moment was sadness, anger and misery. Sad not because he didn't want her to be his soulmate, no, sad because she didn't deserve a soulmate who bullied her mercilessly to the point blood was spilled.

Anger because he wanted to curse at the higher ups for burdening both him and her with this bond. And misery because he knew she would have to live without a soulmate when she finds out bout it.

His feared eyes glanced towards her concerned ones, he could hear her say 'what's wrong?' through the look on her face. No, she can't find out that he's her soulmate. She's going to hate him even more, after all, who would want a soulmate who harassed them?

Yangyang shook his head before forcing himself to let out a bright smile. "No, no, it's nothing!" he chuckled, letting go of her wrist quickly. "I just thought it looked like someone I knew but it's not," he stammered out. She didn't look convinced, he had to get out of there.

"Uh, it was nice seeing you, Y/n. I gotta go to the bank and grab some money," he stammered, avoiding the girl's eyes laced with suspicion and concern. "I'll see you around, y/n." his voice broke as he turned to walk away as nonchalantly as he could.

Once he saw that he was far enough, Yangyang started sprinting, soon enough he was running. Tears filling up his eyes as he stopped by the bank, leaning against a pole infront of the building, he let a few tears roll down as the streets wasn't so busy as it was a school night.

Yangyang sat on the stairs before the entrance of the bank, burying his head in his hands as he tugged on the strands frustratingly. Why did the world had to do this to him? Hasn't he suffered enough?

Isn't living with constant guilt and a devil clinging around his neck for the rest of his life enough? He couldn't even meet his eyes with other people in public, what else did he do to deserve no mercy in this world?

After a few minutes, Yangyang got up, his eyes bloodshot red as he sniffled. Once again, he felt empty. He snuck his hand into the pocket of his hoodie, checking if his credit card was there before entering the bank.

Yangyang stirred, his head hurt. He felt the burning sensation of the sunlight peering through his curtainless window. The thin cloth, that he used for a blanket, rolled down his shoulders as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. He groaned as he stretched his arms and observed his empty room.

He eyed the small opened bottle of empty sleeping pills, the chocolate coloured small envelope filled with a huge wad of cash inside laying beside it. Yangyang scratched his head as he got up, grabbed the envelope and walked down the stairs.

"Good morning!" a small voice call out as he walked out of the door of his room, he looked down to be greeted by his little cousin, Chenle, who was staying with them til his parents got out of the hospital due to a car accident that happened recently.

"Chenle." he smiled weakly, looking down at the small boy who was still in his little jammies. "Good morning, why are you up so early?" Yangyang knelt down to be at the same eye level as the young boy. Chenle's brows furrowed at his cousin, "Early? It's 11 am!" he exclaimed.

"Still, it's too early." Yangyang joked, earning a hit from the hard boy. "You sleep, too much, you idiot!" he scolded, Yangyang giggled as he braced for another hit by the young boy. "I know, I know." he giggled.

"Ten said he was making bacon today!" Chenle exclaimed grabbing Yangyang's hand and tugging him towards the kitchen. "Come on, let's go!" he whined as Yangyang let out a soft laugh, "I'm coming. Jeez, Lele, chill out." he chuckled.

He walked into the bright kitchen to see his older brother in his pajamas, a bright white apron with letters neatly stitched onto it saying 'hottest thing in the kitchen'. A pan in Ten's hand and a spatula in the other, distributing the food evenly onto the three plates displayed on the table.

"Good morning," Chenle exclaimed loudly, jumping onto a chair and sitting down abruptly. "Good morning, Lele. Good morning to you too, baby Yangyang." Ten teased as Yangyang rolled his eyes at his older brother.

"I told you to stop calling me that, Ten. I'm not your baby," he groaned, rolling his eyes in the process as he sat down beside Chenle across Ten. "Guess what we're having for breakfast?" Ten exclaimed as he grabbed another pan and turned off the stove, putting the other one in the sink.

"Bacon!" Chenle exclaimed, making Yangyang laugh at the young one's enthusiasm. "That's right, kid!" Ten smiled, putting a few strips of bacon onto his plate and a few onto Yangyang's plate. Yangyang mumbled a small thank you to his brother before he began eating.

He felt eyes boring into his skull as he stuffed egg whites into his mouth, looking up to see his brother glaring at him with a unreadable expression. "What's up with you?" he asked with a mouthful of food, chewing slowly. Ten's eyes darted from the envelope under his plate, raising a brow at his younger brother.

Ten hesitantly picked it up, looking at the writing written on the backside of the envelope. 'Payback for everything,' it read. Ten sat down with a small smile on his face. The smile soon turned innocent as Yangyang continued to eat his breakfast while eyeing suspiciously at his brother.

Usually Ten was suspicious but not this suspicious, something was up and Yangyang doesn't wanna know. "Wow, you actually did it." Ten said in awe, observing the thick envelope filled with money, not even bothering to open to check the contents.

"You sold all your things. From your manga and CD collection to your switch to your furniture. I'm glad you're doing that to pay me back," Ten exclaimed, eyes going back to stare at his plate filled with mouthwatering food.

"Hey, Lele. Can you eat in your room for today, I want to talk to Yangyang for a bit." Ten finally picked up his spoon and began eating, not tearing his gaze away from his food. Chenle hummed in confusion, before shrugging and grabbing his plate before waddling away to his room.

Yangyang's emotionless eyes wandered as he watch the small boy disappear down the hall until he heard the sound of a door shutting. "Hey Yangyang," Ten spoke, attracting the 17 year old's attention. "Yeah?" Yangyang replied shortly.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?"

Two days ago, Yangyang entered his room, his eyes bloodshot and filled with tears. It was another day of school. Another day of avoiding people's eyes and closing his ears to stop himself from listening to people's constant chatters around him.

Today, he didn't know why, he just broke down. It was a normal day of walking home, then suddenly, he felt the world crashing down on him as flashbacks of his past came into mind.

Terrible memories of him being bullied, his brother getting beaten up to a pulp because of his foolish actions, his parents' death, his grades dropping down, him bullying that poor mute girl who wasn't comfortable speaking.

He didn't feel like he deserve to live. He didn't want to live. He want to stop breathing and he wanted to stop feeling so empty inside. He wanted the loud deafening silence ringing in his ears to stop. He wanted everything to stop.

Yangyang couldn't think anymore as he ran up to his house, getting up to his room and slamming the door shut without checking whoever was in the house. He assumed Ten was still at work and Chenle was having his tuitions.

He thought he was alone.

He scrambled across his room, peering through every crevice and corners of his room to search for the bottle of sleeping pills he bought ages ago to help with his irregular sleeping habits. He contemplated bout overdosing multiple times, but he was too afraid to do so.

Today was the day, he's going to use it. "Shit, where is it?!" he exclaimed, his voice hoarse and breaking as he frantically dumped out all of his items from his bag onto the floor, moving each item in hopes of finding that small bottle.

His eyes wandered to the large box of his clothes, he crawled hurriedly and ran his hands through the layers of clothing neatly folded into the box. 'What?' he thought to himself, as he peered through the small container. It was empty. "No, no, no, no," he muttered under his breath.

He rarely uses it, he knew he had almost a whole bottle left. He knows it. He checked it daily. It was filled this morning, he swears it! "FUCK!" he screamed out in frustration, his voice cracking as he angrily, falling back to sit down and lean his back against the wall.

His fingers tugging at his hair almost painfully, loud sobs coming out of his throat, tears cascading down his cheeks as his face turned red. He buried his knees to his chest and leaned his forehead against it to muffle his loud sobs in case Ten or Chenle came home.

"Fuck." he sobbed, his loneliness surrounding him as his eyes gazed at his soulmate mark for a split second. Y/N's innocent smile the other day flashing through his brain, making the poor boy sob harder.

On the other side of the wall, was Ten sitting down and burying his head in his arm that was sprawled across his knees. His other hand was stretched out emotionlessly, a bottles worth of sleeping pills scattered across his floor.

Ten had been told to go home after getting his ankle sprained from dancing. Ten was a profession dance teacher from a very high company. Teaching little kids and teenagers, sometimes adults, how to dance or help them with performances.

As Ten dragged himself across the hall, knowing that neither his brother nor his little cousin are home yet he was about to toss his back into his room but haulted when he saw Yangyang's door was slightly opened.

In a blink of an eye, Ten was in his room hoping to find something to tease his little brother with. Yangyang had been off for the past few months, barely talking, eating, or coming out of his room. He noticed that he started selling his furniture.

He looked around the almost empty room, boxes filled with Yangyang's clothing being the only thing there other than the carpeted floor. He spotted a small bottle in between the boxes, the sunset lighting the room and leading him to the small bottle.

Ten came closer and picked up the bottle to inspect it, his eyes widened at the label. 'Sleeping Pills'. Ten opened the bottle and saw that it was full but some of it was missing, indicating that Yangyang had used these.

The sound of the door opening attracted his attention, making Ten run out of the room immediately, closing the door quickly before running to his room as quiet and as fast as he possibly could as he heard loud footsteps echoing the hallway.

Ten heard shuffling and chaos in the room beside his, Yangyangs screams muffled by the thick walls. Ten could barely make out what he was saying. All he hear was muffled screaming and crying. Ten slowly sat on the floor, leaning his back against the wall as he opened the bottle, pills filling up the bottle to a brim with few missing. It's been used.

Ten wondered what's going on. Why does his brother have a bottle of pills? I mean, he has been acting really really sad lately and almost depressing but his brother couldn't possibly be thinking of killing himself right?

"FUCK," he heard a hoarse broken scream pierce through his ears. Ten felt like breaking down as he soon heard silence fill the room behind him, Yangyang must've calmed down. Ten should've gone to Yangyang and comfort him, but for some reason the guy couldn't move. How could he when he realised his brother was going to kill himself and he didn't notice a single sign?

"What?" Yangyang exclaimed in shock, swallowing the remaining contents of food in his mouth. "I said," Ten spoke, his eyes growing dark but his innocent smile stayed as he looked up from his food to his brother's startled gaze.

"Why did you fucking kill yourself?" Ten repeated nonchalantly. Yangyang avoided his brother's eyes, playing with his food with his spoon. "I-I..." he stammered, not knowing what to say as his heart began to feel heavy and sink down his stomach. "It wasn't a specific thing, really, but-" Yangyang stuttered out nervously before being cut off.

"I knew it," Ten banged his fist on the table, causing Yangyang to flinch at the sudden movement. "You were acting so weird lately, I knew something was up I just didn't know what! Your posters are all torn up, your room was empty, even your phone was out of service!" Ten stood up, tears lining in his eyes.

He grabbed the envelope and turned on the stove, the red fire making Yangyang's eyes widen. 'No, he fucking wouldn't.' Yangyang thought with wide eyes. "Promise me you won't kill yourself. Or this burns. Years and years of saving all this going down the drain." Ten spoke sternly.

Yangyang stared at him in disbelief, "what?" he blurted out. 'He wouldn't actually burn it right?' he thought before he saw Ten leaning the envelope closer to the fire. "Promise me you won't fucking kill yourself, dipshit! Promise me!" Ten choked out.

"Okay, okay! I'll stop trying to kill myself." Yangyang stood up abruptly, his voice filled with panic. His hands raised to silently tell Ten to not do anything crazy. "I'll stop trying to kill myself, really!" Yangyang exclaimed desperately, his heart feeling heavy.

"Say it like you fucking mean it!" Ten's voice almost broke. Yangyang put his hands down on the table and hung his head down, bowing slightly at his brother as his heart beated erratically in panic. "I'll stop trying to fucking kill myself. I won't do it ever again, I promise. I promise!" Yangyang exclaimed, keeping his tears in.

Ten sighed, trying to calm his breathing as he watched Yangyang try to hold his tears back. "Alright then." Ten put down the envelope on top of the fridge and turned off the stove, wiping his tears away as he sat back down on his chair.

Yangyang's eyes nervously fidgeted towards his brother as his self hatred grew deep down inside of him, slowly sitting down. "Listen Yangyang, if you ever feel down you know you can tell me." Ten spoke again after a moment of silence. "I don't ever want to walk into your room and find a bottle of sleeping pills lying around, ever again." he sighed.

"So you're the one who took them?" Yangyang mumbled, his mind growing darker. 'Another thing to worry Ten, great job, Yangyang.' he thought spitefully. "I put them back, as well." Ten responded, giving his little brother a small smile. "Come on, Yangyang. I know I've been quite busy lately but you can still talk to me bout your problems."

'You've got alot on your plate, I didnt want to burden you more than I already have.'

Yangyang bit his lip. "Thanks, Ten." he mumbled, sighing as he placed his fork and spoon down, crossing his arms on the table without meeting his eyes. "Okay..." Yangyang took a deep breath, 'here goes nothing.'

"Well. I think I found my soulmate."

[onlyhiddenremains-blog]

Rigor Mortis: 01 - Scoff

I recently had the time and opportunity to talk to with Missouri resident and music producer Scoff, formerly known as Virtual Wave. We talked about his start in making music, a bit about his most recent project 'Bad Vibrations' and his future projects and goals. Be sure to show him some love, as well as his music on SoundCloud.

RH: Let's talk a bit about you. Where are you from, and how long have you been producing?

S: Well, I'm a 19 years old producer from Kansas City, Missouri. I've been producing for a little over a year now.

RH: What made you get into producing music? Do you still operate as Virtual Wave?

S: To be honest, I got into producing through lo-fi beats. I wanted to make my own but they were garbage. I stopped using the Virtual Wave name a few weeks ago.

RH: What was the reasoning for that if I can ask?

S: I just thought it was necessary, you know? People began to think Virtual Wave is a genre. I only named myself that because I ran a Facebook Page under that name so I wasn't really attached to the name.

RH: Do you have a process when it comes to making music, or does it just come to you as you work on it?

S: Typically I hear a sample that catches my ear or I'll have a melody in my head and then build off there. While I'm at work, I just think of what I should do next.

RH: Was making music something you just picked up, or has it always been something you've been doing?

S: I loved music ever since I was a little kid, I can legit talk about it for hours on end. I started playing the bass guitar, and even took music theory in school as well.

RH: As it relates to the music you have out so far, what would you say you're most proud of releasing?

S: I'd say 'Afraid' with Moonlet. That song just makes me happy to think about. Moonlet was technically the first person to do vocals on any of my songs, so it has a special place for me. There is also a video for it on Underground Underdogs' YouTube channel which surprisingly was their first music video to reach 1K* views and is currently their highest viewed video so that's crazy to me.

RH: Were you nervous making your work public for people to see? How did you first feel about putting out music?

S: At first I wasn't really nervous. I was just making cool stuff to show to my friends. I later started to notice people actually listening to my music and that actually helped motivate me to keep going at it.

RH: Have their been times you've struggled with putting music out?

S: Yeah, sometimes I get beat blocks or have trouble finding time to make stuff. Still, I attempt to at least make something once a day for practice.

RH: Tell me about the Bad Vibrations project, it's pretty great production wise and collaboratively speaking. What made you decide on getting it together?

S: So at first it was going to be a project where I was going to do vocals, I even have an unused guccihighwaters verse. At the time my vocals weren't great so I decided to shift my focus to beats. I think I made about twenty beats in total for the project, then I began messaging I could to see if they wanted to be a part of it. It was a two month process but I believe it came out well.

RH: Is there anything you're currently working on? Are vocal tracks something to expect in the near future?

S: Right now just production. Eventually I want to do vocals but it may be a while til' I'm for that leap. As for right now, I'm currently working on Bad Vibes 2 and I already have some dope names involved in it.

RH: Who would you say played a part in inspiring you to make music?

S: When I was first playing Bass, bands like the Beatles and Tool inspired me, but as I began to produce music people like Fifty Grand, Ginseng, and Lil Peep really influenced me to think to think that I can really do this if I put everything into it.

RH: What do you hope to achieve as an artist?

S: My main goal is to be recognized and to be able to make a living off what I'm doing. No matter what though, I'm going to keep creating.

RH: Thanks so much for your time man. Do you have any final words or shutouts to give?

S: I'm just going to keep making music, and people should be excited for what I have in the works. I'd also like to shoutout the people I've worked with like gxxdbi, Moonlet, 1800entity, and more. Without them I wouldn't be where I'm at today.

Editors note:*- Afraid has near 4k views on UUs channel. Congrats to Both Scoff and Moonlet!

Links:

Scoff: Twitter / SoundCloud

Moonlet: Twitter / SoundCloud

Afraid(Official Music Video) hosted by Underground Underdogs

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pretty Pink Diapers

I just found this website where they sell pretty adult diapers in pink. Like my favorite color and its sponsored for Age Regression Play too. I've only just started wearing diapers after Grandma passed and I wanted to try one on since Hospice sent a whole bunch that we ordered right before, on the day of her passing in her hospital bed at the house. I remember changing her diapers every time she called me around 2 or 3 am in the mornings and I would stay with her, sleeping on the couch we placed next to her bed all the way til Dad woke up before heading to work at 10 to help out. I love Grandma dearly and I even thought to keep and wash her nightgowns, but I never wore them out of respect of Dad's feelings because I know it would be weird for him to see me wearing her leftover diapers and wearing the same nightgowns she had slept in before during her time being nursed by us for her liver/pancreas cancer.

I did leave one in the trash by accident, and I got scared he would know I'd been wearing them. I put them on only during my periods (cycles) cause that's when I feel the most vulnerable, be the most sensitive and in pain to go anywhere or too lazy to keep changing my pads that leak everywhere at night.

I secretly think low-key it does make me Ageplay more, but I don't really do it like on command. Sometimes it just happens and I get all soft and I just wanna lay down, watch cartoons and either sing, draw, color, or do math homework, play games, or puzzles. I think maybe the 1st time I wore it though, it was because the pull-ups looked so easy to put on and off for Grandma, then I had watched Floribama Shore when that one crazy girl wore them around the house as a prank and I got even more curious.

I do judge myself a little bit too hard when its not my period anymore and I still get this rush, almost like a craving to wear a diaper while I'm at the house or about to go in my room....probably because I've been having more arousal and sensitive moments this year since dealing with that bad breakup. But I miss the first time I ever noticed I did ever show my soft side and it was to this specific person over the phone while we were falling to sleep together on the phone.

They told me later on why do you sound so different on the phone vs in person and I didn't understand. I thought I was just being myself. But then they said that I started like baby talk, but it was like where my voice got all light towards the time I was about to fall asleep and I would ask them to come closer to the phone so I could hear them breathing. It helped me relax and I felt safe like I could trust them with my sad, happy, and emotional states.

I never really got comfortable with me being angry, because that doesn't sound like me. But now that I've had to face it more, I'm more accepting of all my emotional states and the ages they remind me of when I get to all 3 in one happy, sad, emotional premise.

And that was seeing Grandma die. I had no idea she was already unconscious that morning, right before I called Hospice and I had to try to figure out if I had to give her more medicine or not so her head would stop shaking and her chest would stop having irregular breaths. She kept groaning and sounded like she was in pain, but needed something. Something for me to do, but because she couldn't talk and tell me, I had no idea.

At one point, I never told anyone but I thought maybe I was the reason for Grandma not making it till Monday. I thought if I had just given her some more morphine like the nurse said, instead of thinking it made it worse because she would go numb so deep that her eyes would roll, it was scary for my own mother to see when she saw her that morning and I was just sitting there, waiting for the Hospice nurse to come. I had no idea what to feel, because there was nothing I could do. I remember crying as if I was the doctor that couldn't save his own patient.

I remember thinking, I can't give up on Grandma, because she wouldn't do that to me if it was me, she deserved more than that. It was the best that I could do, so I went back up there again, no feelings in view and I gave her the recommended dose of morphine and found a way to get some water in her mouth, since her mouth kept shaking too and she suddenly wasn't able to swallow stuff anymore that morning.

By the time the nurse came, I was so damn numb even when she said she probably wouldn't expect her to live past Monday. Grandma was dying and I knew something wasn't right, but at the same time I was released from nurse duty and was exhausted. I wanted to do my best, no complaints, when taking care of Grandma. Cause I owed her. She took me in after that fight with momma for about a month, till we got into it too about something stupid.

I cried not until after I had left everybody in the room and went downstairs to try and watch one of her favorite movies she liked called "Big Fish" I never finished it because I cried that goddamn hard and I didn't know that her reaching out for me and momma's hands the day before or so it was like her turning back into a child herself. Scared, but strong. I've never heard a nurse say "she was trying to stay strong without the pain medication" but I forgot Grandma absolutely hated prescriptions and she hated needles or going to see any doctors. So that could have been why.

I always liked giving her a nice warm towel bath too, she appreciated the small things like ginger ale, butter pecan ice cream, the last of my little sister's birthday cake the week before she passed.

It was two weeks, but to me it felt like a month. I guess maybe I was hurt so bad and scared because I didn't want to keep having flashbacks of Grandma's face when she was unconscious and I didn't know what to do.

I even avoided sleeping in my room or going in her room. Because I would scream whenever I would open the door and walk past, expecting to see her there in my bed just straight looking at me, asking for a diaper change, to go potty, or for me to help her drink some water. Anything she needed and I helped, because I wanted to help her and especially my father who was already busy, tired, and stressed out about work.

So much had changed after that, and yea I felt alone about grieving her cause nobody really wanted to talk about "why did God decide that cancer was the best way for her to go?" I never had my religion shut right down from under me, because I never felt so confused and so untrusting of God than that very moment.

And the diapers were the only thing that made me connect to her and feel safe or sleep better after that. I would sneak to wear them like one would to eat candy bars. Cause I was depressed already and kept eating junk food and sugary sweets, cereal, and gummies till my stomach started hurting and I had to take breaks.

So yea.....thats how my secret diaper wearing quest started. But I still like the idea to wear them at night when I go to sleep or at least lay down in my room. Thats when I would watch Curious George, Clifford, Arthur, and all my other kid shows from childhood, cause it felt the safest to be happy then. Was when I was a kid. I used to even record christmas shows, Charlie Brown episodes, Disney TV on Saturday Mornings (cause we didn't have cable yet), CW Kids, Fox Network shows on my empty videotapes mom and dad saved me just so I could replay them as I watched and fell asleep to them right before I went to bed.