#fuck this im gonna take my vitamins and brush my teeth

[it-grrl]

Mumbling "enshittification" every time I attempt to do something normal (pay for a service) and I am beset by Difficulties (having to sign up for yet another account & install another app to get on a customer service chat & avoid a phone call for the chat rep to tell me "have you tried (website)?" ( side enshittification: my password organization app popping up aggressively to let me know I don't have a password for this thing I am currently signing up for yet))

[pedestrianversee]

lmao lmao lmao literally every time i went to my therapists i was always complaining about how i just wanted to fucking die and none of them took me seriously. i had one psychiatrist tell me i wasnt depressed because i dressed nice, then ordered blood tests and told me i had low vitamin d and thats why i was sad and told me basically i was faking and to get over myself. i get that low vitamin d can make you emotional/feel depressed but it wasnt even that low and even now when its a normal range i STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT so honestly fuck that doctor and i hope her practice goes under and she loses her fucking license for being a quack. oh yeah she also gave me a shit ton of adderall which is already a triggering drug for me bc my abuser abused it bc she was convinced i had add bc i said once that i SOMETIMES have trouble concentrating in class. i told her i was having panic attacks on it (i took one pill and i thought i was dying it made me feel awful) and she fucking UPPED THE DOSE. ugh fuck her she had the personality of a dead fish and looked like one. idk what i shoild have expected from someone with a freud bobblehead but yknow.

literally because of this asshole i dont shower/brush my teeth before i go to the therapist. and even still the past two i had kept telling me i wasnt that depressed i was just stressed out over moving to a new place and adjusting to adulthood or whatever even though i was fucking telling them i was suicidal every day and was struggling with staying sober from alcohol, starving myself and sh. every issue i had they would dismiss it. i am struggling so bad with flashbacks, nightmares and trauma. i am not coping well. all the emotional responses i've learned as a result of trauma are pushing everyone in my life away from me. i am risking losing all the relationships i have because of this shitty disorder and NO ONE WANTS TO HELP ME. no one fucking cares. i am screaming and begging and explaining things right in front of these so called professionals and they all fucking ignore me!!! they change the subject, try to get me to focus on something else, or shrug it off and tell me i'm overreacting and just stressed out and need to practice mindfulness. my diagnoses have changed so many fucking times im not even sure if im mentally ill or just a hypochondriac and maybe i just dont deserve to have relationships with anyone and am,destined to live in some assisted living facility for the rest of my life because i clearly cannot handle being an adult. i am suspicious its because im afab that they're not taking me seriously but all the therapists ive seen have been cis women and im still fucking treated like this. why me. what am i doing wrong. am i really such a fucking inconvenience that even for people whos literal job is to help others im just Too Much so they wanna feed me bullshit and send me on my way. im seeing another therapist and im fucking terrified the same thing is going to happen again. if it does im just gonna fucking kill myself. i cant do this anymore. no one cares. no one wants to help me. i obviously am not worth the time.

[abcdosaka]

class started 2 days ago. im actually caught up. amazing. im going to maintain this momentum. i have to if i want to get a part time job. hopefully that co-op guy responds to my email and if he says yes, then i will try and apply for something part time.

im also staying at home longer than i expected. thought id hate it because my family are just assholes but honestly, i clean and do the laundry and i feel like thats enough. theyre not gonna get mad at me for not cooking bc im doing all the other shit anyway. the only annoying thing is i have no space to smoke weed. im probably going to the library tmr in which case ill purchase vape cartridges otw back maybe bc at least those smell good. but they dont get u as high ugh.

wait i wanted to do a life update. what else....watched no way home. eh not that good. i thought itd be better. for some reason i didnt really care about aunt may that much, like marisa tomei is a really good actress but i just didnt care. the ending was so sad though like fucking seriously.... i liked the ending but it was just really really sad. my ranking of mcu spiderman movies: homecoming > no way home >= far from home. but idk i liked far from home a lot but the twist was pretty stupid. everything else was good though. and no way home just had a stupid plot catalyst, the rest was decent. so those two are about equal really.

i maybe got covid. i feel like i did since i had a terrible fever like 2 weeks ago and then my dad was sick last week and now my moms feeling symptoms (and she got a flu shot). wanna see if i can get a test tomorrow. if its been two weeks ill probably test negative though... ya idk. i wont lie i did not quarantine perfectly. i had to go out on the 23rd (had a really bad headache but had to go all the way to *** return my laptop) and on the 26th to actually move all my stuff to the new place. i havent really talked to ppl but i did go to the library on the 5th (technically yesterday) and went thrifting today. and ya tmr i want to go to the library again because ireally do need to do this fuckhead report. im doing a fucking self study fuck it.

my gums are crazy senstiive lately. i bought a different brand of toothpaste recently and i think its colgate (something to do with gums) to help but it made it worse and it tastes fucking vile, so i had to buy sensodyne today. i guess sensodyne has a numbing effect or something bc it wasnt nearly as bad today. i dont fucking know why this is happening. im really good about brushing my teeth. i brush twice a day and floss at night and wear my nightguard. tbh i miss a day or two but never more than like once every two weeks and i do drink tea but rarely soda, i dont really have sugary stuff or fast food super often (but a lot of my food is fried). in any case i used to be totally fine and then like a week ago it just got horrible. the only thing i have in recent memory that might have contributed is that i drank a full soda (with a straw), i got my period, and i started taking vitamin c and d. i feel like its probably the vitamin c. ok ill stop taking the chewable tablets and see if that helps at all