#fucking hate that moving seems like a smart option atm

[damnprecious]

apartment hunting be like 'that flat is in an inconvenient neighborhood, that building is right next to a massive construction site, that kitchen hasn't been updated since like the 70s and the stove looks like a fire hazard, this apartment has a super inconvenient layout, this hasn't got enough storage, a minimum one year contract...'

[tired-aliensoul]

Hey I read your post about your financial situation and I just wanted to ask how you got so far without giving up. I'm going through something really bad atm so I constantly feel pessimistic about the future. I want things to be okay I just don't know how to make it okay.

Well, I’m not sure if my answer will help you at all, honestly. A lot of it has to do with just who I am at the core. I hate spending money. I hate relying on others. I refuse to do something that gives me no enjoyment. It took me seven years and three degrees to get where I am at today and I don’t mean I have a master’s. I have two associates and a useless Bachelor’s. I also have thousands in student loan debt. I also hoard money. Any cash that I make doing one of my side-gigs, I put in a jar and leave it there. Save all your coins. Don’t use them to just make an even payment, just put them in a jar or piggy bank and when that bitch gets full, spill it out and, (you don’t have to be as weird as me who sorts it by coin and then counts it and then either scrounges for random change or puts back coins that aren’t going to give an even deposit number) deposit that shit in the bank. Right into savings, unless it’s going to help you pay for something needed. I’ve always had a personal desire to just make life better for myself and work my ass off to get it. I have fought for where I am now and I have had to ask for help from my parents, not financial but I had to ask to move back home because I was going to go through a rough financial time and needed to be somewhere that I wouldn’t have to pay rent, but still had to pay for my own things. I understand that asking for help from family or friends is not feasible for everyone, but if it is, swallow that pride and ask. It will help in the long run.

Honestly, if you want to start working toward a better future, get some sort of degree. I highly recommend getting a technical degree in something. If you want to be in the medical field but you don’t want to be a nurse, there are quite a few options for you there. Dental Assistant, Veterinary Tech, Surgical Tech, and Massage Therapy are a few technical degrees you can get and technical degrees can either be a certificate or an associates. Many, many options exist with a technical degree and man those programs really prepare you for exactly what you are going to be doing. It’s not like university where you have to take a shitload of bullshit courses that have nothing to do with your degree. Technical schools nix that shit and give you what you need to know. Anyway, you’ll spend about 1-2 years in school and technical schools are loads cheaper than universities and some community colleges. I understand that school is not for everyone, but I’m against the whole movement that goes against it. Get a degree in something, it will help you out. In fact, financial aid that is awarded is more than enough to help you pay for it. Do not be afraid of student loans, just be smart about them. I’ve paid off one loan already. You don’t need a bachelor’s in order to get an Entry level job that will give you full-time hours, benefits, and a big enough paycheck to live within your means.

Just, I dunno, just don’t give up. Even when things are looking dim, start looking for things that can help you better your situation. Never doubt yourself. I doubt myself a lot, so when I was 19, I got a tattoo that always reminds me that I can do what I’m putting my mind to. I know that seems silly, but it means a lot to me and it really has helped me when my mind has tried to get the better of me. Find your inner will to do what is necessary to get what needs done. Hell, get on medication if that will help. I did. Some part-time job companies are now offering health benefits to part-time employees so that you have access to that stuff. Starbucks is big on that, and they also have a tuition reimbursement program with Phoenix and their online degrees. Plus, you get to go home smelling like coffee and you get a free pound of coffee a week or some other coffee/tea based product like a box of tea or K-cups. Their food is relatively healthy and you get a markout when you work so your lunch is paid for. I worked for them and they helped out a lot of people, including me.

God, this got long and I feel like it’s sort of rambly and maybe I preached a little bit about degrees and whatnot, but had I known about technical colleges when I was graduating high school, I wouldn’t have fucked around with universities and would have been living a life like this five years earlier.

Things will get better as long as you know that it will. And I do mean ‘know’ and not ‘believe’. People don’t give up on things they ‘know’ is true, but people give up on things they ‘believe’. Know that it is fact you will have financial security some day. I knew it, and I got it and now I want better of it. Nothing wrong with taking a journey, just make sure you come away with a better you. Refine your plan as you go to accommodate. I have now declared 10 different majors of study in all types of my schooling. So like, adapt as needed.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t help you feel any better. I know it will get better for you because you want it to. The journey might be long to get there, but I know you will get there. I have total faith in you, anon.

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 10: “Not all hero’s wear capes, some wear pajama pants and robes!” - Cody

Amy A

Everything worked out PERFECTLY. Ugh I love a good plan. Hopefully my new core 4 plus Najwah stays in power. 

Olivia A

WHAT THE HELL!! Grae was my closest ally this is so disappointing. On top of everything, Aimee didn’t even vote with us!! So we’re at a 6-4 disadvantage. I don’t think anyone wants to work with us. Our last hope is finding and buying the idols and utilizing Kalle’s fake idol. I hate this.

Pedro A

woke up on the bottom...and thinking i was going home...guess what...im still here ahahahhahahahahahahhhaahhah...yall though...kalle is my guardian angel ...like if it wasnt for that girlll i would be out

ben kessler

Wednesday, July 29th, immediately after the tribal grae got voted out: heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh

Aimee

I had a long day and now Grae is gone. I’m honestly crying. Jay asked if I was okay and the river of tears just started flowing. I only knew Grae for a short while and really wanted to get to know them more. They brought such a beautiful, fun and loving energy to this game. Grae, I really am going to miss you. I’m just gonna go hug a stuff animal. 

Maddison

I knew Pedro was going to play an idol. He didn’t do one single puzzle, it’s obvious he felt safe. Snakes are slithering. 

Kalle N.

I truly cannot believe that our plan worked but it did and my splitting headache is totally worth it. I really feel like I deserve an Emmy or an Oscar for my performance with Maddison and Olivia after tribal but it's fine. I have absolutely no idea what comes next but boi will it be messy. I'm so sorry it had to be Grae but I didn't know what else to do. Also I hate that I'm working with Ben but don't worry I will use my chaotic energy to go against him eventually. I will now be erasing myself from the narrative and taking a break for several hours. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Najwah

OK last night's tribal was wiiiiiiild af. I think the funniest part is that this all started with me planting a seed. I told Amy L that she is at the bottom of their alliance and that I was open to working with her to get Maddison out. She spilled all the tea about Maddison having two idols and that she's been wanting to gether out for a while bc she says the same thing to everyone lmao. I think the thing that pissed Amy off is that she told her "I feel closest to you" anyway, Amy didn't respond to me immediately so I thought she wasn't on board at first so I told Cody I'd work with him and that I have the idol from Alan. Ffs. Wrong move. Cody just trust other people wit information and it's really annoying. While I love Sarah, I can't really trust her bc she's really close to Ben and Aimee - who I do not trust. Well, Aimee I am not sure about. I guess I only don't trust her because of her close Ness to Ben and Ben blatantly lies. Anyway. So Amy told me that their alliance is still trying to vote Pedro which is perfect for us coz we can still stay Hanúha strong. So at this point I realise I wouldn't have to play my super idol and Cody wouldn't have to play his extra vote. Anyway. Amy tells Kalle about the plan to get Maddison out. I send Amy a long ass message Pedro sent Zack that Zack sent me. She tells her group that Zack had sent it to her, to solidify their vote for Pedro. And then She, Kalle, Ben and Pedro form an alliance and they pull off one of the most epic blindsided. I mean, wow. Amy told me beforehand so I saw it coming and I told Cody about it too. Lmao but Ccody just can't be low key he wrote something about Maddison's two idols and he asked in the Old Hanúha group whether anyone had known about the plan lmao obviously Ben was like "no" and wtf. Ben's facial expressions at tribal was hilarious especially because I know he careful conducted this whole genius plan. I mean people still think their alliances are with their alliances and that no one has moles but there are so many layers right now and there are a few moles. 

Cody just needs to shut up. Be like Ben who claims that everything he is doing is for James lmao but is in a secret alliance with the person that got James out lmao love it. I love that I can see through some of the BS right now. The only person that could fuck up my game is Cody atm but I am taking a leap of faith and trusting him. He needs to trust me too. I kept telling him to just trust the process last night and he kept freaking out. I think the realisation of Ben being a BSer got to him a bit. Also, he toldd Sarah that I spoke to Amy? Like I'm so fkn mad. Can he just shut up? Ugh that's my biggest problem right now. I LOVE CODY OMG WE SPEAK ON VIDEO CALL LIKE EVERY HOUR LMAO but I'm just scared that he is too trusting with certain people, especially at this point in the game. He also doesn't know how to be low key lmao which is kinda funny. Also, Pedro. Wev ebeen talking a lot. Pedro's friggin Greek they're speech and the vote with Grae that ended with "sorry not sorry" just. Lmao. I wish I watched this on TV. I'm sad that it happened via skype😂😂 also I am not sure how this VL confession thing works. Did I say the right things? Yall probably have all the tea already. I'm a little sad that Grae went home. She seemed genuinely nice but she was our only option because Olivia won immunity. Maddison also made us all uncomfortable coz she took the time to chat to none of the new people at merge. Like? Olivia and Grae made the effort. She just seems too safe. Too comfortable. She isn't even participating in this challenge. Is she THAT comfortable or just pissed? Who knows? Never keep to yourself like that. It makes people suspicious. Pedro does seem very smart and manipulative though and I will be weary of him. Let's go idol hunting then woohoo. 

Najwah

Also I keep laughing at how ridiculously bad I am at answering questions at tribal. Omg. Embarrassing. I need like a few minutes to THINK. I always look back, and wonder why tf I said what I said. In retrospect, I'd answer last night's question with "don't we all feel like we are on the outs?" ugh. I'm so bad at it. I realise it makes me look dumb and perhaps that's not a bad thing. I don't mind looking dumb tbh. Lmao. 

Cody A.

I haven’t done one of these written confessions in a while! Obviously things have been absolutely fish crazy. Idek what fish crazy means but it just came to me. And on the topic of fish... I’m pretty positive I called Maola a bunch of sharks at tribal council. 

If it wasn’t for Naj last night, I would have been completely blonde sided by the vote. I had no idea what was going on, I thought the plan was to put votes on Pedro and Madison and one of them would go. 

About 20 minutes before tribal naj called me and said she did not want me to feel left out of the events that were about to occur. She told me the real plan of Pedro and Madison both playing idols and Pedro casting the sole vote on Grae. Not going to lie I was scared shitless... I was so close to writing kalles name as a safety net for myself. What if Pedro would’ve cast the sole vote against me? At the very least it would’ve been a 1-1 tie between myself and kalle. I just didn’t want to be Denise’d out of this game. 

Ultimately I trusted my gut which told me to just trust naj. If I had got fucked over last night, at least I would’ve went out trusting the right people. Naj also told me about a 4 person alliance between Amy, Pedro, Kalle, and BEN... My Ben!!! Smh. So moving forward I have to be very careful with the information I give and receive from Ben which sucks because I thought I could trust him more :/ Basically THANK THE LORDT FOR NAJ. Not all hero’s wear capes, some wear pajama pants and robes! 

Kalle N.

So this entire time that I've worked with Ben, he always dictates our moves and every single thing I can or can't say to certain people. If I suggest something he immediately turns it down and will only do what he wants. Men are the worst. Anyways, a little bit ago after he told me what our next move is and didn't let me have any input, he suddenly said "Actually what do you want to do? You go ahead and tell me what you want". That is EXTREMELY sus and makes me think that he's just trying to make me feel better while he's secretly plotting against me. I could go along with it and just let him vote me out bc honestly I'm exhausted, or I could reveal all of the insanity that happened in the last vote to my other alliance and then expose him to his own tribe for working with me. Which would get him voted out. But that's a lot of work so I'm ngl I'm leaning towards just getting voted out myself

Aimee

I’m so glad I’m not actually on an island playing real life Survivor right now. I would constantly be in the ocean or somewhere in the bushes bawling my eyes out. And then coming back to camp like, “oh hey guys! No puffy face here, I promise! Yeah everything is peaches! Hanuha strong! Those red eyes are just from too much sun, I think I need to lay down in the shade” I’m not crying over Grae and how shitty I was to Maddison or anything, JayKay I totally am! I hate that I didn’t tell Maddison the votes were going her way. I’m not even sure why I didn’t. I’m so sorry Maddison, I really hope we can rebuild our connection and work together again. I just feel like barf and am exhausted. Trying to play this game with a full time job is tough. I hope I have the emotional fortitude to pick myself back up and put on a poker face. The last thing I need is anyone figuring out my tells and knowing what I am up to. I want to work with Ben and Maddison the most at this point. I hope I can make that work out. 

Pedro A

I'm honestly scared...for the next tribal ...I feel like everyone is gonna go after me...cause apparently I'm the villan lol

Kalle N.

It's a little hard to focus on the game at the current moment bc an exciting/terrifying development may be occurring in my life in the next couple of days. I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack. We were going to try to take out Aimee so F's in the chat to pay respect. Don't know what I'll be doing. Need to go cry in the shower now.

Najwah

Sigh. It's been a very long day. I really played hard at this challenge, knowing I have a 15% DA. Do I think it's insane that someone came into the game when half the players had already been eliminated and over half the 24 hours had already passed only to NOT even try to eliminate the one person not in our alliance in there, then pretend it's all kumbaya and eliminate our alliance (who we said we won't eliminate, we made a pact?) one by one? I mean yeah it's damn insane. And not that I'm a sore loser or anything, but I wish she'd have been there when things were actually heated and when everyone else was putting in the hard work. This isn't endurance in my opinion. This is coming into a game late and reaping all the benefits. However, well done on her tactic. Love it honestly. I think she made good moves and knew when to strike and for that, of course I think she's a fkn Queen. Even though I felt as though I was so close to winning immunity, even though I tried really hard. At the end of the day, it's how you outwit and outlast your opponents. Next time I'll be sure to not read challenge rules at 4am and then try to actually understand the game properly and how I too, can make things easier for myself dammit coz I think i keep making everything so hard for myself in this game ugh. I just need one fucking WIN. Goodness I am playing so hard. Wow. Wow. Starting to wonder what panderosa is like lol must be fun. Anyway I need to sleep coz the sleep deprivation is making me feel sick af and making me paranoid about having corona. 

Aimee

https://lovelyygifss.tumblr.com/post/618070044309700608/deserved-more-than-0-votesssss QUEEN SARAH!!!!!!! 👑 ♥️ This challenge proved to me so much that Sarah is in it for the long haul with me! I could tell she was never guessing for my word and I wasn’t trying hers. Team Casanova is once again coming up equal on all challenges and I love to see it! I can’t believe I got to have my Michele moment and come from behind after being hours behind in the challenge and eliminating the last three people in a row to kick down that damn puzzle! I am on such an adrenaline rush!!! After the low lows of last night this rollercoaster of game really proves you can get right back up and thrive! Haha it was so hard saying my word since I’m a pretty positive person and my word was “not.” Sarah and I never gave up in this challenge and we ended up being the last two remaining!!! I also really bonded with Najwah and Cody. That challenge was so much more than immunity it was also a great opportunity to bond with cast mates and I really capitalized on that. Even during this challenge I patched things up with Maddison too and it seems like we are back to trying to make things work with us. I feel like Grae would want that for both of us too. I went from crying my eyes out the night before to total redemption today. It was on my bucketlist to win an individual immunity and I did it on something I never knew I could win. I’m just so amped and trying to calm myself down. I’m just https://youtu.be/erG5rgNYSd Wheeler island in the sun The song I was listening to when I won immunity. 🎃🐻🌈🍑❤️💜🧡💛

Sarah

There have been so many things that have happened today... This morning Ben, Naj, and I gave Cody enough coins for him to hopefully get the idol. Cody showed me what was in the store and how there were two necklaces for $20 which was odd. He got one of the necklaces and we thought it was a real idol. Tbh we still don’t know if it’s a real idol. Cody sent a fake message to Ben and I showing that it was a “fake idol” (he got the message from Naj when she had found a fake idol). We thought it was real but when Cody found it it said “what seems to be an idol,” which makes me think someone planted a fake idol there and he did get a fake idol. I will send in more soon... 

Najwah

I thought that making it to merge would be enough for me lol but somehow my goal is just to get further now. I'm at a crossroads though bc there is no one I really want to get out or back stab or whatever. Cody found a supposed idol yesterday. I told him just to tell Ben it's a fake idol and if Ben wanted to use the fake idol, he could give him my idol. Thing is, Cody is paranoid about it being a real idol or fake one that he found. I think he should just chill about it and it'll be fine. I just want Cody to be calm, I feel like without Zack's constant talking and scheming, the silence is getting to him a bit. But I quite like the silence. He thinks it means something is happening or people are plotting against him. I just think it means people are trying to sleep lol. I mean even if he was a target, he still has an idol. Ugh. Anyway it's actually a religious holiday for me today and tomorrow. So I will spend time with my husband and perhaps go to a fancy restaurant or something. I haven't felt fancy in so long and I realised everyone in this game has really seen gross, messy haired, late night Najwah lmao like I usually don't even let my friends see me this way 

Najwah

It's silly trying to keep wondering who tf I can trust. I need to just go with my gut. There are a few people in the game I really like. Cody, Sarah, Amy, Pedro and Aimee. I don't know the rest and I don't trust Ben. I don't know what he's up to. He was supposed to be in some secret alliance with Kalle and Amy but he told Cody and I about them so what's really happening? Who knows? Also he keeps asking me what do I want to do who do I want out? Lmaoooooooooo. 

Najwah

We had a lot of deep, crazy conversations yesterday and one of my favs were actually drooling over survivor players and realising how gay everyone is lmao. I love that. As someone who has struggled with my sexuality for most of my life, thinking I'm gay for a long time and then finding myself attracted to boys too was bizarre in the early 2000s. and being told being bisexual is a "phase" or "confusion" or that it was bc I went to an all girls school (shout out to Rhenish girls High), being in a space where everyone is really open and accepting of all this is amazing. I'm happy i live in a country where gay marriages have been legal since 2006 and ironically being trans or gay is not that big of a deal here as it is in countries way more progressive than ours. I still struggle with non binary pronouns but I am learning thanks to this game. I feel free just being who I am, whoever tf that is in this game. And for that I'm obviously very thankful. Today, I'm married to a man who appreciates my sexuality and is open to me exploring it even more. Its been a long journey and it makes me extremely happy seeing people in this game, so much younger than me and so much more sure of themselves. I'm happy that they will be spared a lot of pain and confusion. I love GenZ. I love that they just are who they are and there is no pretense. This Is so important and a luxury previous generations could only dream. Of. 

Sarah

From two nights ago.... https://youtu.be/uebz8rVKNbg https://youtu.be/xQyiuiGeEpo

Olivia A

Our plan for this vote feels really ambitious but I think it’s gonna work. We’ll likely get the numbers back :)

Maddison

I’m going to have to use my advantage tonight to save my ass. Guess that’s what advantages are for, eh?

Ben Kessler

I am trying to vote kalle out. If it works, my name will be out there but it may pay off. Maddison and Olivia are definitely going for me which is fine. I need to tell Pedro 5 minutes before tribal to trust me.

Kalle N.

Maddison will use her advantage, Olivia will play my idol, the only votes that will count will be the votes we put on Cody. That's it that's the plan

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/PuZChTTJzzU

Pedro A

Okay so me olivia kalle and amy are voting cody...plus maddison will leave tribal......and olivia will play the idol kalle has....i swear if olivia votes for me...and i go HOMEEE....IM DONEE...i have a bad feeling about this tribal...im trusting the devil lol 

Olivia A

Kalle has been playing double agent this whole time and told everyone about the safety without power advantage grrr what a mess 

Maddison

I’m making a big move tonight and I’m not sure yet how it will pan out. 

Olivia A

Kalle has been playing double agent this whole time and told everyone about the safety without power advantage grrr what a mess 

Olivia A

Initially we were going to all (Maddison, Cody, Najwah, Sarah, Aimee, and I) vote Ben but we are going to switch it to Kalle because Aimee and Ben are kinda close and we want to keep Aimee as a number. I’m happy to see Kalle go after how much she has lied to Maddison and me.

Olivia A

I am SO nervous for this vote. Here is the whole plan: Maddison will play her safety without power advantage and I will play the (fake) idol that Kalle gave me. This is just so that Kalle doesn’t get tipped off that we know about her lies. Kalle believes Maddison, Amy, and I are voting for Cody and think that she is voting for him as well. In reality, Cody, Aimee, Sarah, Najwah, Amy, and I are voting for Ben. We suspect Ben, Kalle, and maybe Pedro are voting for me and expect it to work because of the fake idol that Kalle planted. I really hope this works because if people are lying then I’m definitely going home. 

Ben Kessler

Dearest confessional, My life is out on the line. I am in a very vulnerable position right now and if I stay in the game tonight damage control must be done. There are many complicated plans and I work best under chaos, so these votes are hopefully good for my game overall. If kalle actually gives her idol to Olivia and we vote out kalle, maddison and Olivia and Amy will be pissed, but they do not have the numbers. I would need to do some more work to make sure I get the info that kalle is currently giving me, but it's not as bad as going farther with kalle and then losing later on. I now need to video call kalle goodbye.

[black-and-blue-facedown]

Life Update

Since I haven’t been active for 2 damn years, gonna make a post as to what i’ve been doing for those who care

For starters, my name is Lindsay and i’m 18 turning 19 pretty soon. I live in Sydney, Australia and I moved to NSW in November 2018 at the end of my VCE exams. I adore music, concerts, festivals and anything of that nature. Nothing makes me feel more alive.  I’m starting second year university in just under 2 weeks, studying international relations and criminology. Never thought i’d be smart enough to go to uni but here we are i guess. Glad to see that my efforts did pay off. I think i like what i’m doing, but who knows. I stress about what to have for breakfast in the morning so how am i meant to know at 18, nearly 19, what career option will be the best for me. Can’t wait for the debt for a degree i may not even use. I do lie though, the content i am studying is very enjoyable for me. It’s very interesting and it’s concepts keep my mind ticking over theories of politics and crime. You gain a better understanding of the world around you, but you also begin to think how the fuck does it continue to function. It’s made me more pessimistic than I thought i’d ever be. I don’t know whether i will still continue with this career path as all i ever wanna do is help people, hence why i want to pursue something within human rights, but at what cost to my mental health? I am doing well at uni however, despite my complaining, and i managed to finish my first year with a distinction average! how cool is that!! I’ll keep working to push that higher don’t you worry, but i’m just proud of myself as despite all the shit that happened to me in first year at least i could see that my dedication paid off and i do want to see where this road will take me.

Despite having moved over a year ago, i still struggle with its effects daily. Like the death cab for cutie song ‘gold rush’, “i placed faith in geography” to define who i was. Even though it’s not my parents’ fault for moving per-say, i was virtually ripped from my home. All my bestest friends were gone, i was, and i guess still am, in a place that didn’t feel warm and inviting (not like Melbourne was ever a sweltering place). I guess all in all i still feel lost here. Sydney is weird, for starters your roads make no goddamn sense. But the bigger issue is i’m just feel lonely all the fucking time. I’m seeking help, planning to join sporting clubs but i still believe that the new friends i have made don’t see me as a true friend. How do i compete with people who have known others for years or even decades? I don’t have the comfort of old friends anymore, and i’m still so envious of the people who have that safety net. And yet the weirdest part is that i don’t know whether i even want to continue going back to Melbourne as i’m just reminded of what could have been and what i miss, and it sends me spiralling. I do love my new friends however, they are proof that life has wonderful things to offer if you just keep trying. I just overthink my position in their life you know? And i also hate having to come home, not because it’s a bad place for me, but because it means the end of social interactions for the day as i know no one really close by. It fucking sucks as texting someone only does so much for me. I love talking face to face, hearing someone laugh and getting to hug someone. The physicality of a relationship i suppose, and i guess it’s why i’m so extroverted.

My mental health in general has been whack this part year and even over the last few months. I do always get like this during long breaks as i like to learn things, do things, be with people. It makes me feel like i’m doing something with my life and that i have some kind of purpose. Cheesy as all hell i know but i can’t help it, blame The Ultracheese by the arctic monkeys for making me this way (best song off TBHC fight me). Life’s favourite hobby is kicking me in the teeth i think, i’m not gonna let it win but man do i wish that it’d find something else to do. Just because i’m the designated “mum friend” or the “neurotypical one” doesn’t mean i don’t hurt. I do need to start being more open about my mental health to people, but i always get the fear that i talk too much (great COIN song btw). When you do get put into the box of being the emotional support buddy, you begin to undervalue your own wellbeing and i reinforce that opinion myself. I have a great family, i go to a good uni, and i can’t deny my privilege either as i’m upper middle class so what do i have to complain about. A lot of my friends have been through way worse shit than me. And i know that it’s very unhealthy to think this, and i’m actively trying to unlearn this behaviour. It’s why i’m trying to find a therapist and trying to open up to my new friends more, but years of maladaptive behaviour will take just as long to unlearn. Overall i think i’m happy, i’ve just been in a few rough patches recently.

Some more happier things. I’ve gotten tattooed finally!! I’m turning my body into a work of art, albeit slowly because they are expensive as all hell, and i couldn’t be happier with the ones I have. I’ve also been going to more concerts recently and nothing makes me feel more alive. Being in a venue just closes off all the shit that goes on in my external life and i forget about all my worried. Even though it’s only for 1-2 hours, they are the best hours of my life. I also went to my first festival about a week ago and it was both awful and amazing at the same time. Wish i could have enough money to go to some British festivals, they seem like the shit.

So that’s a little peak into my life atm, and if you’ve read this far just know i am okay even though the above paragraphs seem very drab. i just have somethings i need to work on in my mental health and i’ll get there and I have to. People care about me, and i’ve made pacts with friends to keep going. I am okay, and if i’m not right now i will be soon.

[cnisms]

bye ... i’m truly done taking up muses ... these are short n poorly written but i did them ! i’ll eventually add more information on everyone when i finally get around to finishing muse pages but honestly ? this is all u need to know for now. again, if u wanna plot, just hmu :P a few mentions of drugs n alcoholism but nothing descriptive. here’s percy, zach, ajay, luke, bunny, paris & luma ! (i’ve added gwen, helena n gia too just so they’re all in one place bc i’m lazy)

FINN COLE, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met perseus sage nichols yet ? the twenty-two year old is known for being both astute and jocular, but also very obstreperous and arrogant. born in melbourne, percy now lives in kensington, working as a junior management consultant.  comes from a nice family that he will always be pissed off at for very little reason. has beef w his dad for not providing even tho he really did, it was just never enough for percy. is exactly the type of dude that got mad when leo didn’t win the oscar for wolf. just wanted to be dumb rich n coked out. v smart and got an international scholarship at a good university, by the time he got kicked out for being a rowdy asshole, he’d helped his friends develop some legit apps (the most successful one being a dating app which two yrs later is really just a meme) and they suddenly had a lot of money, he just bought his way back in. bc he was in charge of the business side of things, it was easy enough for him to screw over his friends n walk away w most of what was left when their success went down the drain. got a job as a management consultant at a big, scary firm in london mostly thanks 2 his reputation. is a known ugly n ruthless n desperate to be at the top n live in disgusting luxury. can’t talk to his family or old pals without Wanting To Die bc he’s so committed to this new life he’s created for himself. is literally awful if he doesn’t like u, still awful just in a less hurtful n more annoying way if he does. doesn’t know when to stop. always forgetting n probably trying to hide the fact that he’s not a trust fund baby like all the people he hangs with now. literally just clyde oberholt ?

JAMIE BLACKLEY, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met zachary vaughn baltazar yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both unostentatious and sincere, but also very self-deprecating and uncouth. born in berlin, zach now lives in southwark, working as a telemarketer. the nice guy who is always getting rekt (he wrecking himself lbr) is Um .. a v talented writer but is happy just shitting on his work n never exploring his potential bc why bother when he has the ideal amount of friends n weed atm right ? given up and is convinced he is satisfied, will accept any invitation. still won’t let you live tho. has opinions on ur choices and will probably share them behind ur back. somehow feels underappreciated by everyone even tho he truly believes there is nothing to appreciate. omg have a cry and grow up. king of impressive first dates n writes rlly romantic poetry but is either ghosting or getting ghosted the following week bc he is dry and confused. doesn’t know if this is really what he wants/doesn’t feel like he deserves what he wants. close with his family but tries to force more n more distance bc he can’t stand their #drama... or any drama that doesn’t give him an edge Actual Of Ly. the ders of the squad probably.

RAHUL KOHLI, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met ajay charles johal yet ? the thirty year old is known for being both urbane and jovial, but also very restless and quixotic. born in chennai, ajay now lives in newham, as an airline pilot. moved to london w his parents when he was v young, spent all of his teenage yrs feeling guilty for no reason just like watching all his parents did for him to be happy n healthy ? never got over the guilt. is just a v feeling person ig ! anyways he was so committed to helping his parents out, which was rlly truly the only thing he’s ever committed to in his life. needed enough money to support all three of them but rlly had no idea how to go about it. pilot was just one of the ideas handed to him back in high school n he went with it bc he knew he’s never actually settle on anything. turned out ok bc he likes being able 2 actually get the entire hell away from his problems. a v flighty person (aha... classic) and doesn’t have many close relationships bc of it. v respected ... v respectful ... quality lad but can be a lil immature under it all. wish he’d stop feeling bad just bc he has GOOD parents.

TOBY REGBO, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — have you met luciano andrius falley yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both genial and cultivated, but also very irksome and delphic. born in naples, luke now lives in camden, as a struggling actor and annoying historian. tragic backstory ? never heard of that. comes from a supportive ($$$ n <333) family who probably only pay for the many flights for all his long ass self discovery backpacking trips bc deep down they can’t put up with him anymore. is a super friendly n outgoing person, the type that is literally always reading a book he only half understands but will bring up what he has learned from it at one of his MANY dinner parties where ur only option is CHICKEN and lots of wine while he refuses to SHUT THE FRICK UP. cute ! kinda very judgemental but will just sigh n let u fuck up. “not to get political but...” is always like Hm Yes ! I Love Hearing Other People’s Stories ! but when ? when does he hear anything other than his own voice ? he probably gives himself lectures on intersectional feminism when he’s home alone he just doesn’t stop. honestly he only ever means well n ig he’s interesting enough but Really... fake struggling yet still pretentious aesthetics.

MARGOT ROBBIE, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met elizabeth celine leblanc ? the twenty-seven year old is known for being both coruscating and ardent, but also very egocentric and bourgeois. born in seattle, bunny now lives in southwark, as an influential homemaker. boozy housewife. spent her childhood living below the poverty line before her father began helping ppl smuggle drugs into america. he built his own big operation off of that (with a hygiene product company as a cover) and was successful enough to squash the few people it pissed off. business spread to europe n then when he was ready to retire and the south gang was interested, he had elizabeth marry into it before he sold the operation just to make sure he would always be taken care of. it got handed down to her husband bc she wasn’t interested in any legit roles (her asshole fathers fault honestly ? he wouldn’t have given her control even if she wanted it) and she just went along with whatever would keep her from returning to her Humble Beginnings. is very “i do whatever i have to in order to survive” n by survive she means never actually work n just waltz around a mansion in designer gowns all day. materialistic n v selfish. fake charitable for her socialite image. doesn’t cook, but is always sharing recipes. has no real interest in the soap she pretends to make. is consistently fake. literally gets zero joy from anything that isn’t spending money. could probably be happy if she could escape her family’s ugly beliefs n misogynistic practices n she’s getting there but just . slowly. hates the nickname bunny, but i’m forcing the meme.

MIMI ELASHIRY, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met paris nefret bayoumi yet ? the twenty year old is known for being both beneficent and equable, but also very disengaging and inelegant. born in alexandria, paris now lives in greenwich, practicing herbalism. also works at the rosado but whom cares ? not her ! all she cares abt are the HERBS. was raised by her grandmother who was a Kitchen Witch (as in .. u know ... this isnt a supernatural rp But that woman was a witch !) so she’s always practiced similar hobbies but now she’s all about making her friends custom teas ! n yea paris likes to claim that she’s also a witch. is extra but in a calm n collected way. serene at all times but unintentionally sardonic. not super bright but has plenty of advice for every problem. seems to enjoy oversharing and yet no one knows exactly whats the deal w her parents (criminals that have always been n remain in hiding, some people think they’re straight up pirates now) or anything serious in her life rlly . but u wanna know what russells burp smelt like last week ? she’s about to tell u.

SOFIA BLACK-D'ELIA, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met luma camille pontecorvo yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both optimistic and dexterous, but also very prevaricating and overindulged. born in quebec city, luma now lives in waltham forest, working in retail.  ah , another brat . she was left w her much older half brother n his wife when he mom dipped when she was fourteen n honestly they felt so bad n also had no idea how to handle her so they just . gave her everything she wanted without question. she had her mothers bad attitude n reckless habits tho n when she started getting her nieces n nephews in trouble once they were all in college together, her brother Politely kicked her out of their lives by offering to set her up anywhere she wanted “for the Experience”. she picked london n quickly got a job at a kingsley store n has been working there for a few yrs now. now also deals party drugs at clubs for the north family n she rlly lets that be the focus of her life, so she’s always showing up to her day job late n overtired. doesn’t ever really lie but rarely tells the whole truth. ig she would be fun to hang out with but she’s probably a fair bit cunty. doesn’t care about ur feelings, has very few of her own, just here for a meme. truthfully she’s angry abt everyone ditching her but it gets ugly whenever the topic comes up n dark!luma is an actual thing that makes an appearance.

MADCHEN AMICK, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met gwendolyn griet hathaway yet ? the forty-three year old is known for being both reverent and winsome, but also very acquisitive and ambivalent. born in las vegas, gwen now lives in richmond upon thames, managing a record label. also known as gwen nash. mother to gertrude bc we meme too hard. born in nevada, her own momther bailed early n then her father disappeared when she was fourteen (she’s always been sure he was murdered by a biker gang but no one believed her n kept saying he just ran off on her but ! the story comes up whenever she drinks still) n she ended up just getting a cleaning job in a motel n taking care of herself. eventually she met a nice older couple who sort of took her in. they were responsible for a lot of jazz artists n she stanned them hard ? sang for them for a short while n eventually married their son mostly bc she wanted to actually be part of the family yikes… anyway they had a Beautiful Daughter together obviously n eventually got control of the label n thats all they rlly share now post separation. tragic n twenty years later than everyone expected . anyway she’s lurkin about london, lookin for talent n trying to fix her relationship with gertrude (i’d hate my mom if she named me that too … no a fence) n just drinkin wine ig ! she’s very … impulsive and only ever thinks about herself in the moment but otherwise ? she can be kind n caring but Ya . her habit of just jumping into things for her own pleasure generally hurts other people so she’s a lot of strained relationships. still seems v standoffish mostly bc she’s Um . Scared Of Everything. literally does not matter how much shit she sees ? permanently spooked. lowkey cruel sense of humor but she just seems so gentle 95% of the time that when she makes a sick joke ur like Oh she doesn’t realize how bad that sounds ! hates memes.

LILY JAMES, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met helena therese o’shea yet ? the twenty-six year old is known for being both cultivated and strong-willed, but also very callous and tenacious. born in chicago, helena now lives in wandsworth, working at erstead’s and planning birthday parties. a tragedy. always had it in her head that she was better than everyone else (especially her brother ) but never fully committed to the brat act, like she never threw tantrums or asked for too much, v well mannered n proper but it’s always been obvious that she’s permanently disgusted by everyone except for herself. sometimes also disgusted by herself tho. will say something cringeworthy n just about put a hit on herself for it. was a v successful wedding planner for a while, her business took off rlly quick thanks to a few helpful connections. got engaged herself 3 years ago and cut off most of her family n all her old friends to start this new amazing life she always thought she deserved ? sike. after three years of putting off the wedding, she got dumped n came home to work @ erstead’s bc she’s like well if i’m gonna crash this hard i might as well hit rock bottom ! plans birthday parties for children occasionally. hates children. hates everything. fun ? never experienced that emotion. barely tries to make up with the people she wronged bc despite setting herself back 6 yrs, she still thinks she’s above everyone else. loves to complain. doesn’t really have much going for her honestly other than ? total commitment to whatever it is that’s happening in her life. obviously that’s not workin out for her rn ?

CHARLI XCX, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met georgiana lalaine visariya yet ? the twenty-three year old is known for being both jocund and unfeigned, but also very vexatious and lowbrow. born in kiev, gia now lives in soho, being extra on youtube.  gia is honestly .. a headache. she was always a v creative person, ‘expressing herself’ n doin’ the most when literally no one asked ever. she started vlogging two years ago n got bored quickly so instead she decided to start her own (fake) reality series on youtube ? she handled everything by herself at first n reached out to hot local people who were popular on instagram n youtube to star in it WITH HER and only got a few people in on it but ? it took off. now she has a whole crew n writers n what not working on it with her (even tho most of the time she will take over every part of the production n handle it herself again) n it gets her good money (especially bc she’s shameless n stays making sure she’s a main in every single episode so she gets those instagram sponsors too) calls herself “““punk lauren conrad””” n is clearly too extra. a very very confident n loud person, super friendly, loves everyone n honestly u can try to drag her but that’s not gonna stop her running up to u in the street next time she sees u n telling you to drop whatever it is ur doing to go get cocktails with her. she’s so … genuine irl that you literally would not belieb how much of the show is scripted n thought up by her w that … interesting … imagination. will annoy u for content.

[survivekohsai]

Episode 10 - I’m So Dumb ~ Bryce

Okay I love an instant tribal! SIKE. I was in the car having to just yolo what was happening. I voted linus and was right so iconic! I need to make sure eric knows I didn't vote him so that we can work together. Jackson wanted linus gone and Richie wanted Eric gone so I had to choose a side. I went with voting linus because I thought that it would let  me be closer to trixie and quillynn that way and possibly take a shot at regan because i was afraid her and linus were close. Now I need to make sure to work with Richie tho so that we're close and actually maybe vote eric idk? Theres a lot of power players and atm Jackson is my partner but he could be playing everyone. I still have my idol at f7 which is so fun only two more oppurtunities to use it so I might be targeted. Me Eric Jackson Trixie Quillynn all have our idols i think maybe regan too. SO its awk I think Im playing my idol next time or  I need to make a strong 4. I think that I can get richie I just need to see who voted who in this round. I think the eric votes were richiex2 and regan and linus. so everyone else didnt vote that way. Also richie played his idol because regan didnt respond to him so maybe they arent as close as i thought they were.

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my nine-and-a-halfth confessional. I'm writing this after the instant tribal because it was wild and I know Rob is thirsting for the details 👀 So at the first tribal, everything went the way I had hoped. RTP went home (although not before dropping another vote my way, I wonder if he hates me lol) and Richie wasted his idol! Woo! My purposely acting super fake worked. I waited hours to respond to his messages and then acted super overly nice like I was planning to blindside him and he bought it. I love reverse snakeology ! So then Rob finally dropped the bomb on us that the lists we had submitted of who we want voted out most to who we want out the least were for an instant tribal. We only got thirty minutes to decide who to vote out (and everybody who wasn't around voted based on their list), with Regan being immune since she got the burger from the survivor auction. So I hit the ground running. I immediately hit up Quillynn and Trixie and floated the idea of taking Linus out. It was the safest option, and if Richie's envelope advantage turned out to be a clue to another idol, it was best to not go for him on such short notice. Then I was approached by Bryce and Richie, and I was able to get Richie to admit to me that his advantage was actually a double vote. I didn't want to believe it 100% until he actually played it, but fortunately he did so in his effort to blindside Eric, which I eventually decided not to be a part of. Eric was super extra on the live tribal and I think he's rubbing people the wrong way (including Rob oop) so he's a good person to bring farther into the game I believe. In the end, Linus was voted out 5-4 (with the votes for Eric being from Linus, Richie's doublevote, and Regan who went by her list), and I'm pretty satisfied. I would've been happy if Eric played his idol but I think we can make it work next round. I hadn't forgotten about Linus' flipping on Akito (who I would've taken to the final 3 in a heartbeat) and it felt good to give it right back to him. Okay that's about all that happened on my end, I'm ready to try to get that immunity necklace back. Byeee

okay so im a fucking mess in this game.... i played my idol and wasted it because there was some mysterious figure going around throwing my name out.. everyone but jackson came to me and said that my name was being thrown out and regan told me that she was told to tell rtp my name so clearly shit is going down but before the vote i hadnt heard from regan when i confronted her about rtp telling me that regan threw my name out so i was paranoid and i played my idol and it was dumb because hi instant tribal 2 minutes later!!! the instant was terrible because only me, jackson, eric, and bryce were online so trixie, linus, regan & quillynn couldnt be contacted to discuss the vote so half of the votes were a mystery.... linus was my #1, i have a good relationship with regan and trixie, ive had some game talks with bryce and quillynn that i feel like i could work with them if i needed to so it seemed like eric was the person i had the least connection with on this tribe but he was online so he would be able to play an idol if he thought he was in trouble... also the other name being thrown around was linus and i did not want that at alllllllllll.... i probably should have tried to throw one of the people who werent online at the time under the bus so that the fear of an idol play wouldnt be there but that would have only been regan, trixie, or quillynn and i didnt want to vote out regan or trixie under any reason and i know jackson and q are friends bc he's her mood message theyre not subtle so like i couldnt get jackson on my side for that so i came up with a plan that if me jackson and bryce all vote for eric thats 3/8 and i play my double vote advantage i won in the auction then thats 4/8 which would be enough to cause a tie but i was saying that since the people who werent active at the time would have their votes be cast by their lists that the votes would be all over the place so that the vote would look something like a 4-2-1-1 or something of the sort so that our 4 would have the majority.... and to ensure that eric wouldnt play his idol i went to him and ensured him that the plan was to vote out whoever he wanted and sell the fact i was with him none of that worked askdjhfkasjdfhaksfjh it came down to 4-4 votes between linus and eric and then the last vote comes in andddddddd it's for linus.... so not only did my closest and only real ally in this game leave but i also played my idol and my advantage + i just lied and fucked over eric so hes still in the game knowing that i just lied to him and used my advantage to try and vote him out......... im fucked huh lmao 

Regan Medevaced

Alright, so time to explain my full strategy since I haven't really had time to make full confessionals. My main alliance is with Jackson and Trixie, where I have been going under the radar, trying for Jackson to make all the moves for me, while I slide past another tribal. Jackson is also the only person I can trust because he trusts me. Richie and I had something going but he probably voted against me last tribal, so I have to rethink that. Quillynn NEEDS to go because trixie and quill will obviously take eachother to finals. I need trixie to trust jackson and myself more. I also need bryce and richie to think we are turning on eachother because I wouldn't be surprised if they thought we had something going on. I am glad my UTR strategy got me to f6 but this is when I need to make my move. I have something to say about having people make moves on my behalf, now I need to say I am capable of making my own moves. Wish me luck <3

IM SO DUMB LITERALLY I COULD HAVE WON IMMUNITY. I threw two questions so that eric wouldnt be extra mad at me and  then i lose by one point. and its f6 now so i wanted to win this I didnt care about f7 immunity. I wanted to be immune f6 idol f5 regan leaving is so annoying JKDSFJKSD its so easy to send in a list. I am going to have to blindside someone now or maybe idol ugh. I think eric is the easiest to blindside since hes away a lot. UGH more confessionals tomorrow i feel so dumb askdfhadsjkf

So I got Jackson on board my plan which is to get people to use their vote only on me so that I can waste their votes when I use my idol. There is no way I am not using it this round. Clearly the plan was a success because Richie came straight to me as soon as Jackson told me about the plan. The best person to go for my game right now would be Quillynn, so I would just have to throw the vote without telling a soul and praying that my plan worked.

I just told Jackson that he should vote me and I will vote someone else. If the plan goes perfectly, everyone will think the vote is me or Jackson, and I will have the deciding vote. The only thing to do now is to make people think that one person will unknowingly get a vote so that everyone doesn't freak out and play their idols.

Everyone is going to idol and its gonna be a mess! Woo!

I’ve offically tied my record in a survivor game by making it to top 6 and i’ve like barely tried compaired to my usual effort, I guess playing UTR does work huh. Also I doubt i’m leaing since we’ll like all be idoling

So my plan worked and now Richie at least appears to be going full on against Jackson (at least if what he has been telling me isn't lies). Right now, I could either go rogue and vote Quillynn, a move I need for my own game. This would be good for my game because Trixie and Quill have an obvious deal together, and I want Trixie to trust Jackson and myself more than Quill. But right now, if Jackson and I appear to be against eachother, it's also smart that we vote eachother expecting an idolpocalypse, which would reset the round with no one having idols. Although my current main target wouldn't be eliminated, Richie appears to be against Jackson, and Jackson now trusts me, and vice versa. I didn't even realize until it was all said and done that I basically asked Jackson to throw himself under the bus and he did just that for me. For that, he has my trust, for now. I don't know what's smarter for my game. I just want to make it to the next part of the game. This is definitely a thrussy thrasher.

[3:27:05 PM] Bryce: i heard people are doing eric [3:27:15 PM] Bryce: and then like if he idols then everyone idols i guess? [3:27:19 PM] Bryce: and we reset idk [3:27:22 PM] Bryce: I'm scared! [3:27:34 PM] Richie: obviously i’m down for that because i tried to get him out last time and failed [3:27:46 PM] Bryce: yaaa like same my b about last time KFDSK [3:27:58 PM] Richie: however i need to talk to you about something [3:28:10 PM] Bryce: okay [3:28:23 PM] Richie: trixie and quillynn just went to final 2 together in another game [3:28:36 PM] Bryce: Omg woah oh in unoava? [3:28:37 PM] Richie: and jackson and quillynn are good friends from outside the game [3:28:39 PM] Bryce: go them! [3:28:41 PM] Bryce: oh wow yikes [3:28:42 PM] Bryce: KJDSFHKJDS [3:28:52 PM] Richie: so if we vote out eric [3:28:53 PM] Bryce: i love knowing no one... [3:28:55 PM] Richie: and those 3 and us 2 [3:28:59 PM] Richie: we’re fucked [3:29:30 PM] Bryce: hmm true so we would have to make the move and work with eric? does he know you voted him last time [3:29:43 PM] Richie: theres no scenario in that final 5 where the 2 of us survive [3:30:43 PM] Richie: id probably be taken out before you at final 5 if i lose immunity but then you’d be in a must win situation in final 4 where if you lose you’re fucked [3:31:03 PM] Bryce: hmm yeah ahh ugh i didn't realize that people all were like in games and knew each other [3:31:13 PM] Bryce: that's so troubling yikes! [3:31:23 PM] Richie: and even if you’re in final 3 with 2 of them they have the friends on jury and its apparent from touchy subjects that jackson is seen as the ringleader of this game [3:32:02 PM] Bryce: wait but i was just talking with quillynn about her mood message because it said 7-2 loser and she said she was a little sad about the outcome so maybe she isn't close with Trixie as much now after the end result? [3:32:13 PM] Bryce: yaa Jackson got a lot of good stuff [3:32:27 PM] Richie: i didn’t get a single answer lmao [3:32:28 PM] Bryce: i didn't realize at the time that the 7 voted for Trixie tho [3:32:41 PM] Bryce: omg yaa robbed your Nicole gifs are always great and humorous [3:32:47 PM] Richie: I’m irrelevant in this game lmao [3:32:56 PM] Bryce: i thought everyone was voting you for funny one KDHS [3:33:28 PM] Richie: i mean i obviously deserved that because I’m hilarious and amazing but even i put down trixie bc i don’t talk to anyone enough for them to realize how funny i am adsfj [3:34:33 PM] Bryce: hmm okay so our plan would to be what exactly? like we would need eric on our side right? because if he makes it to f5 and we get one of Jackson Trixie or Quillynn out then wont they just work with him and we're in the same position [3:35:33 PM] Richie: yeah I’m thinking if i go to him and talk to him about that group of 3 and say like the best route for him is for the 3 of us to go forward together [3:36:15 PM] Richie: then he goes to them and tells them he’s with them and acts confidently enough into making them think he won’t play an idol??? [3:36:38 PM] Bryce: hmm okay yeah for it to work he has to be with us so we aren't just doomed again at f5 [3:36:50 PM] Bryce: wait he tells them that me/you/him are a thing? [3:36:55 PM] Bryce: wont that be bad? [3:36:57 PM] Richie: nooo [3:37:21 PM] Richie: I’m assuming that they’re going to tell him that you’re the vote for the night [3:37:32 PM] Richie: because they won’t use any of their names for the decoy [3:37:36 PM] Richie: and you’re the only other option [3:38:08 PM] Bryce: ooh smart yeah [3:38:16 PM] Richie: so if he goes to them and says like hey ill vote out bryce i trust you guys [3:38:29 PM] Richie: and then we tell them we’re voting eric [3:38:53 PM] Richie: so they think it will be 5-1 eric and hope that eric doesn’t play his idol [3:39:03 PM] Bryce: oooh okay wow this is good if we can pull it off [3:39:14 PM] Bryce: just need eric to not leak [3:39:48 PM] Richie: the only thing is that if eric plays his idol and they’re like fuck and play theirs after [3:40:08 PM] Richie: but i think its worth the risk [3:40:31 PM] Richie: bc i’ll take the gamble that at least one of them won’t be around to play their idol live [3:40:35 PM] Bryce: ooh yaa but even then wed all play idols and itd reset right [3:40:50 PM] Richie: yeah that would be worst case scenario [3:40:52 PM] Bryce: and me you eric are then in a 3 v 3 situation ahhh okay cant let hat happen [3:41:14 PM] Richie: i mean its a very risky play [3:41:36 PM] Richie: but the alternative is just voting out eric and taking our chances in final 5 immunity challenge [3:42:43 PM] Richie: if it works we’re on a path to the end if it doesn’t then we’re in a shitty position but we’re in a shitty position anyway [3:43:09 PM] Bryce: i just feel like everyone voting eric and then he idols and then we reset and vote him out again is easier?  i just don't want to do this and unite the 3 against us if they aren't actually together [3:43:39 PM] Richie: well i’ve known that jackson and q have been together for a long time [3:43:49 PM] Bryce: like maybe theyre just playing me but i don't think that those 3 are a super tight thing and that wed be able to swing someone on our side at f5 i thought that Quillynn and you were super close [3:44:17 PM] Richie: you know i wanted eric out baaaad [3:44:32 PM] Richie: i really like q trixie and jackson a lot [3:45:04 PM] Richie: but i just can see whats going to happen and it doesn’t look good for either of us and id hate to just go along with the plan bc i like them and then we’re fucked [3:47:01 PM] Bryce: omg ahhh i just don't want to make a play that blows up in our face when maybe its unnecessary like i don't see quilynn and Jackson both wanting to go to the end together esp when it she just lost a game so she prob wants to win this one and Jackson is seen as the one in charge so its more likely hed win [3:48:46 PM] Richie: i do think that if we vote out eric tonight and then we could possibly get trixie over to vote out jackson next time [3:49:00 PM] Richie: but if eric leaves tonight then jackson still has his idol next round [3:50:03 PM] Bryce: hmmm ahhh true wed all have idols but you and then youd have to win immunity or be ciried out [3:50:54 PM] Richie: true [3:51:04 PM] Bryce: ugh [3:53:58 PM] Richie: http://78.media.tumblr.com/7e38d14c8d831bc876c2b19403502d66/tumblr_ov5fnf06f01vzwwmeo3_250.gif [3:54:42 PM] Richie: okay [3:54:59 PM] Bryce: I'm like cleaning my room and trying to think [3:55:19 PM] Richie: what if we vote eric tonight but tell him to play his idol so that sets off the chain reaction of everyone playing their idol so we start final 6 over fresh [3:55:23 PM] Bryce: if we vote out eric we need to make everyone use their idols so that you don't get ciried [3:55:27 PM] Bryce: yeah [3:56:04 PM] Richie: then final 6 round 2 we either try and talk to one of them to make it 4-2 or we vote out eric and then final 5 we make out move without any idols in the way??? [3:58:10 PM] Bryce: yeah I think that's the best way just make sure that eric doesn't out who told him to play it and then everyone idols and we do 5-1 and then we can get Trixie on our side at f5 [3:58:41 PM] Richie: we can maybe make an alliance chat with eric tell him we’re with him but we’re going to vote for him tonight so that they think that we’re with them and can try and get one of them on our side to save him next time [3:59:23 PM] Bryce: okay yeah just have to be careful eric doesn't leak because Jackson said they were close [3:59:28 PM] Richie: ugh [3:59:49 PM] Bryce: he said he talks to him but then he also was the first person to throw his name out for this tribal to me [3:59:54 PM] Richie: same [4:09:43 PM] Bryce: I tried talking to eric and he said no one threw out any names yet so either its true or hes been told me and hes just not mentioning it to me [7:46:50 PM] Richie: im nervous [7:47:01 PM] Bryce: omg me too FKDSJH [7:47:04 PM] Richie: i talked to eric a lot [7:47:28 PM] Bryce: ooh what did he say [7:47:31 PM] Bryce: is he idoling? [7:47:42 PM] Richie: i told him to [7:48:56 PM] Bryce: okay get ready for a reset! [7:49:00 PM] Bryce: who is he voting? [7:50:55 PM] Richie: he wants to vote jackson because i told him it was jackson who threw his name out [7:51:15 PM] Bryce: ooh ok that's the tea lets have such a fun tribal I'm ready [7:51:23 PM] Bryce: but like so nervous [7:51:24 PM] Bryce: KFKSJDFHJKS SCREAMING HATE THIS TRIBAL SO MUCH ITS RESETTING ALSO RICHIE IS DOING THIS BECAUSE HES GONNA GET CIRIED IF HE DOESNT WIN IMMUNITY AT F5!!!!  im so confused

i tried to come up with like 50 different plans tonight lmao... i found out that trixie and quillynn just went to final 2 together in another game bc of quillynns mood message which is the same way that i realized jackson and q were friends so she needs to watch that bc thats how im getting all my tea lmao i talked to bryce and i outlined the fact that trixie/quillynn/jackson are a dangerous trio and if we vote out eric tonight then we'll be final 5 with those 3 and they'll have majority... i dont really know if i believe that those 3 are actually a real alliance but thats not stopping me from trying to turn bryce against them to put the target there idc if its true i had just enough info to make it seem like its true.... i manically came up with like 10 different plans where we try and form a 3 person alliance of me/bryce/eric and take out one of those jackson/q/trixie so that we had majority in final 5 (mind you i literally just used a double vote advantage to try and vote out eric and with regan being evac'd i'm the only person on this tribe that voted for eric those those 5 all voted out linus at the instant and now here i am trying to get eric to trust me and work with me to vote out jackson who 2 days ago i told an explicit plan about how i wanted eric out and what i was going to do and here i am baiting eric with a very small tea of jackson saying eric's name once lmao) anyways  none of those plans work bc they hinge on eric playing his idol and if eric plays his idol then they all play their idols which isnt the most effective play but my original idea once i won immunity was to cause as much chaos as possible so that everyone is paranoid and plays their idol that way i'm not cirie'd next time bc im the only one without an idol...

Voting Confessionals

(Voting for Eric) this sucks but I think  its the only possibility

(Voting for Eric) http://78.media.tumblr.com/276b29c6a519f0e7b5c71e7715f4f979/tumblr_of3pgb9XZH1vzwwmeo7_r1_250.gif

(Voting for Eric) hey you know why i'm voting for you so no big deal

Everyone played their idol.

Everyone is immune.

Quillynn, Jackson, Bryce, and Richie voted Eric.

Trixie voted Bryce

Eric voted Jackson

[phogenson]

A Hard Year: Emergency Room

I left the ATM with a bit of cash which I figured I could afford to spend at my favorite coffee shop for dinner. This was a bit of a treat in February 2016--I wasn't eating enough, a problem I will examine in another post. I walked two miles to the Hard Times Cafe as the temperature fell.

Writing in my Moleskine has been a good way to organize my thoughts since I started directing. So while I was waiting for my food I just wrote what I had on my mind. I don't write free associations, but this entry has that feel about it.

The page wanders from instances of anxiety producing triggers in my life; some interpersonal difficulties I was facing in my living situation; a small meditation on film. One of the things that can happen in the real throes of anxiety seems to be valuable insight into a topic. There is a high degree of mental activity which can seem like an excess of clarity--like an over exposed photograph.

For a moment on this page I considered how music might inherently detract from film. The reasoning here is still very clear to me, something to return to. Basically the thinking goes that cinema is an art all its own, the addition of music or even dialogue, while perhaps powerful, also dilutes the medium. It hybridizes it, something perhaps problematic. This is something that's connected to many other thoughts I have on film as a medium and I think belies my interest in minimalism e.g. sound and music should only be deployed as little as needed in film.

I would like to come back to the idea, no doubt. In some way I'm sure I will. But my handwritten paragraph, rather than drawing a conclusion ended with the words "so fuck him." It's not even tangential like this reflection is. It's jumbled. The paragraph, the entire page, points to all sorts of things that were on my mind. It draws no conclusions.

One aside catches my attention though.

Only recently have I looked at the idea that "no one sees" and it's a deep yearning I feel. It was not something I merely wanted at the time, it underscores existence. The next morning I would live out the preceding description in this paragraph. I'd be alone.

February 13, 2016 I woke up at a friend's house, I slept on the couch because home wasn't where I wanted to be. That morning I had a meeting scheduled and I didn't make it. The temperature in Minneapolis that morning was -8 Fahrenheit and this was a problem. Unprotected and over used, my phone battery died again and again in the cold as I tried to reserve a Car2Go. I was running late, it was a Saturday, nothing was open and nothing worked. The batteries in a Smart Car struggle to start the engine in Minneapolis on a day like this.

Being in that kind of situation, constant failures and mental rerouting has a distinct feel to it. Wikipedia describes a diagnosis of a panic attack which includes the word "un-reality" and that is a true description. The thought in my head was "how is this possible?" It didn't seem like what was happening was remotely possible. Everything that I took for granted failed. My phone, the car, the stoplights didn't work, the streets seemed unnavigable. It's not bad luck and it's not first world problems at some point. And more than being self critical, there seemed to be no explanation of the situation I was in despite very real experience of it.

Eventually I was driving on I-94 toward St. Paul doing 80 and as the words in my head to describe whatever I was feeling at the moment failed me too. So I screamed and mugged. Trying to dead recon my way to where I was going, I pulled off the highway, got lost, and stopped near a BP.

I went in and asked to charge my phone. The answer was "no," and the guy at the gas station had probably seen a million crazier things than me at that moment. That's a problem too, I was holding myself to a standard of normality that required tremendous concentration. Shaking, I broke what might have been my last dollar into quarters and used a payphone outside in Minnesota's version of February to call my Dad, an analyst and LCSW. He cut through the noise and oncoming tears and told me to get to a hospital.

On this call a guy, Dave, asked me if I was okay. This was an unbelievably fortunate meeting. Looking back it is absolutely the kind of strange collision that killed the dinosaurs or welcomed the grief stricken mourners at the empty tomb of Christ. Dave asked me directly if I needed a ride someplace. I told my Dad I was going to get to a hospital and I hung up.

I pulled myself together as much as I could--any resolve must have been transparent--and said "uh, can you take me to a hospital." Dave took me to Regions Hospital and maybe I owe him my life.

Regions took good care of me. I've heard that the best way to get seen at the ER is to say you're bleeding and you move to the front of triage right away, but maybe saying you think you're having a panic attack works well too. They took my vitals, verifying the hypertension from the night before and pretty quick observation must've made diagnosis pretty easy. The doctors tell you who they are, there's two of them, then they ask you these questions:

"What brings you in today?"

And I said "I think I had a panic attack."

"Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself or others?"

And because if you're in that seat, being asked these questions, you do want to die you say "yes."

Then they ask if you've ingested any alcohol or drugs recently, and when your repression about the last days makes you clam up they tell you "we just need to know what we're dealing with." And you tell them the God's honest truth for what feels like the first time in your life even if ten seconds earlier was the first time you'd verbalized suicidal thoughts, and twenty minutes earlier you couldn't speak. The doctor said "I tried weed and didn't like it at all."

This was all good. It happened fast. And then things get a little less great and a lot more harsh reality. The hospital has some ward for emergency psychiatric issues, but it's not great. They take all your stuff and put it in a locked room while you change into scrubs. Then you get a room and a little later the worst cafeteria food ever, and they get your order wrong. But I hadn't eaten really at all. So I ate the chicken and peas.

This ward was actually in disrepair. They were building a new one, so maintenance wasn't a priority. But I had my own room with no windows and very beige walls and some stock photo of a palm tree bolted to the wall. There absolutely is a camera in there. And they check on you.

I know I was not the worst case in the hospital. At one point I heard a nurse remind the guy in the room next to me that he'd pulled a knife on a guy outside a bar last night. He denied it. But I think I was very high on their priority list because they had identified me as a suicide risk. Although by this point I felt like I'd seen too much to even try it.

So a doctor met with me pretty quick.

"We can give you a 'chill pill' that'll knock you out for a while," he offered. We talked about a bunch of things, but I didn't want medication like that. It seemed like it'd just be another blow. Then they tell you what they want to do. They wanted to move me "upstairs" as soon as they could, but this meant waiting in the room overnight. They didn't have the space or the doctors to make that happen.

The doctor also outlined other options for observation. In that situation the options really sound like the end of your ability to have any control in your life. I really didn't want to give up what little control I had over my life at that point. It's seemed like a misconception that being in even a pretty laissez-faire institution would be desirable. I could have my thoughts, but maybe not have control over my food. In other situations maybe that seems like a huge boon, like you wouldn't have to worry about living, but some pretty basic functions were the limits of my control and I didn't want to give them up. I thought about it though.

At some point I made a few phone calls. I called my work, told them I was in the emergency room and that they'd have to find some way of making coffee without me. I don't know if they could've guessed what'd happened. I feel like they had some idea. I called my parents and told them I made it to the hospital.

Then I waited for hours to be seen by a social worker. Apparently she described my looks as "he looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin." Basically I just lay in the bed. My cousin came by, she would help me immensely over the coming weeks.

In the end though they can't keep you in the ER when you ask to leave. But they will write a prescription for lorazepam to keep you from coming back in. I'll talk more about lorazapam in another soon, but it stops a panic attack like a freight train. This is the only time they'll just hand you this pill and basically tell you to stay doped up on it for as long as the prescription runs.

The hospital pays for a taxi. And this taxi driver was exactly the kind of over masculine, I work out, hot girlfriend, meathead I could barely deal with. I sat there next to the patriarchy for a little while.

I got home and made a few more calls. At this point there was also an early warning sign of things to come between me and one of my roommates. We got pizza and, couched in concern for me, he said "you've gotta go home, dude." And that's really hard to hear when your life is in this city and except for the last 12 hours you feel self sufficient. When I could think about it more rationally, my entire system of support was in Minneapolis--family, a therapist, hospitals, my job--and I wasn't about to abandon it to be home. And I hated Minneapolis. So it was a dubious claim. In hindsight this conversation began to make me unsure of myself in how I handled day to day situations and planted seeds of personal attacks that eventually did push me out of the house.

Ultimately I did the best I could. Eventually I did what I had to. Somewhere in there were some fuck-ups too.

On February 14, 2016 I was pretty doped up--lorazepam. But looking at the scribbles from two nights earlier, the beginnings of the effect the lorazepam has are clear. My writing was straight, pragmatic, to the point, and fiercely linear albeit a little more open than I like.

I've excerpted the entire page.