#get back to me when the progressive christian types are ALSO admitting they could be wrong about everything

[thisdreamplace]

i really admire your energy and how in love with life and the world you are. i'd like to reach a similar point too but im finding the 3d unbearable and the fact that im God and the one creating this for myself was pretty freeing at first because it meant that I could change it but 2 years later, everything is worse and knowing im the one responsible is devastating. specifically, i don't understand how to focus on the 4d and leave the 3d alone when the whole point of me getting into loa was to change my life (3d AND 4d). its great to see people emphasising the 4d and love and peace but im human, i have more than just those 3 feelings. i know the inner me is God but im still in a human body in a human experience and ignoring the 3d has made me miserable. i'd like to direct this experience and give myself the opportunity to do, see, hear and feel the things i have experienced in imagination, in the 3d too. I have lived in the 4d for two years now, it's vivid and feels real to the point where hours pass with me visualising a certain scene but once that's over something in the 3d happens and my stomach drops and i have to go back to my imagination and convince myself that i don't feel my heart breaking. it works for a while, i feel powerful or whatever and then i open my eyes and nothing has changed for the better.

my friends who don't believe in the law go out and live their lives and make progress and i have had nothing but stagnancy. they were born not wealthy but not poor either and can afford to support themselves with help from their parents and now independently. they have great personalities and are genuinely good people and I want to be like them too. I keep seeing them get specific things that I want for myself and on one hand im so happy for them and proud that they're having their dreams come true... im ashamed to admit that my blood may have turned green with the envy and jealousy i feel. but that's the truth. i thought i could revise or manifest my way to support as well, not just financially but emotionally, giving myself better parents, better relationships, health and more. i feel stuck and like im running out of time to catch up not just with them, but with where i thought i would be by now. im being vague because I don't want to trauma dump but mentally, this is taking a toll. i really can't go through another year, another birthday feeling such unspeakable pain.

do you have any advice on how i can fix this? should i just leave the law altogether? I know it's hard to give up the law completely one you find it but if going back to believing in "false gods" gives me what i want, then is it so bad? if Judaism can give me love or Buddhism can give me peace or astrology or tarot can guide me to money and maybe the Christian God can grant all of the above, then are they so bad? even if, in the back of my mind I'll most likely always think of them as placebos, it could still work, no? i'd be giving up the pearl but i'd be more satisfied in the 3d that I have to wake up to every morning.

i think that a lot of what youre saying is entirely important bc i know youre not the only one with those type of questions and feelings. everything that youre saying to me is very similiar to how i felt before i finally allowed myself to experience life in a more loving and beautiful and soft way.

i also felt the same, learning about the law and feeling like i had all this control over my life. it felt like i finally found home. then 2 years passed. of course, i did manifest things because youre always going to. its simply automatic. but even with each success, so much of life was still really hard and unbearable, mainly because i was counting on the law to do the thing everyone swore it does. i couldnt understand why things, the things i really wanted, were not showing up. so after 2 years i said fuck this, i am not living this way for a third year. i think its important to note something. how you feel so responsible for everything. its time to let that go. i challenge you to stop upholding yourself to someone else's belief system and use you, your own experience, as a guide. can you really say that for the past 2 years you sat there and actively manifested misery ? or do you believe that bc someone else says thats how it works ? beginning to ask yourself these questions is the way out. use your life experience as the truth, not someone else's claims. i also know what you mean, as it is frustrating and confusing to hear people tell you tthat you can have everything you want (in the 3d) and then to turn around and tell you to focus on the inner world (4d) and let the rest go. because like u said, thats exactly why we come here. for the outer experience ! i think its important to be said, because it allows us to start cracking through the toxic world that manifesting became. because youre right, how are we meant to do both ? well we're not. we are only meant to focus on the inner world (bc we literally have no choice) and let the rest flow. the controversial part is that, where that flows, is exactly where we are meant to go. and sometimes its in different directions than we originally thought it would be. this is why i resisted it for a long time myself. until ofc, like you, i couldnt take it anymore. suddenly my desires didnt feel more important than i was. suddenly i realized how i feel on a daily basis, regardless of anything, is what truly matters.

i think that your friends are a light shining into your life, showing you how smooth and easy life can flow. without even trying. you dont need to feel bad tbh. i think after 2 years, it is beyond normal to start feeling some type of way. i know i did at times ! i would see people in my life, who do little focus on their inner world, getting the things the law promised me i would get. of course, i could feel happy for them but utterly bad about myself and my life at the same time. how could it come to them so easily when i was the one following everything the law told me to do ? i just didnt get it. until it all made sense. it came to them because they were just living life. because they were just being. they didnt have this haunting in the back of their mind everyday, every second, telling them this thing could show up soon. they didnt analyze themselves everyday. they didnt even have a perfect sense of knowing. they just sort of knew what they wanted, and knew either it could or even could not happen, and went on every day. just being... them. and it was enough. so many lightbulbs started going off for me then. i think this is your moment too, to take a step back and start recognizing what simply isnt working for you, no matter who claims its the way. its not your way. i know exactly what you mean because every birthday since i have found out about the law, i have cried or had a meltdown on the day or after it. no matter how beautiful or full of love each birthday was. i couldnt see it or feel is fully. because instead, it was like fuck, another year has passed and this isnt what i saw for myself. what you said truly brings up old memories for me. it reminds me why i left. so if anything, just know you arent alone. this is so normal for many people who spent so much time trusting in what they were learning, and im glad more people are coming to terms with the fact something simply was not right for them !

its time to recognize that you never did anything wrong. i know i didnt and i know you didnt either. its so much easier to blame the person, so that the ego can continue to get high off the promise of control. if you blame the person, then you can still believe in that sense of total control. its a lot easier to do so than to come to terms with the fact that total control isnt what we thought it was when we first came to the law. and not everyone is ready for that convo ! but i put so much into myself, so i won't let anyone sit here and gaslight me and even attempt to say that certain things didnt work for me because i was not doing X enough or i wasnt X enough. and you shouldnt take that either ! not even from yourself ! for me, i know it unfolded that way for the simple fact i was being called to follow myself. and after doing so, ive literally never been lighter. this has quite literally been the most mentally healthy and most joyful year i have had since being alive. and i spent most of this year doing me. not worrying about manifestations.

i will say this. it is hard to give up the law initially, especially after an extended amount of time (years), because you have ingrained it into yourself. it will feel like youre crazy, it will feel like youre lying to yourself. i think that the law is explained in a way that makes it really easy to get trapped, because of how much responsibility is burdened onto your human self. at times you will want to guilt yourself and tell yourself everything is your fault and wonder why you manifested something, because that was your conditioning for the past two years. but i promise you, if you listen to yourself and follow what feels right that starts to go away. if i use my experience as evidence, i know my beliefs arent placebo effects or lies. because its literally been evident in my life. like that, the weight of the law starts to melt away. i stop feeling my human self as so responsible, and allow my true self to take responsibility and trust in that flow. too many of us take on our true selves as our human selves. its simply not the same thing. the god within is always leading you to where you're meant to go and the truth is many people are resistant towards that, so they choose to play god instead as this allows a feeling of more control. this is your wake up call happening now, telling you that the old way simply isnt working.

i also want to clarify that in none of this am i trying to saw the law is fake. manifestation is real. i just think that there is a reframing of it that is beginning to happen that will allow more people to live healthier, happier, softer lives. i think its okay to say "this isnt what i thought it was" rather than to force yourself everyday through the pain, telling yourself that once you just do X right then it will work for you too. that pain is trying to talk to you and tell you to stop, it doesnt have to be that difficult.

i rly felt like this was important to answer. whatever you decide to do anon, i hope that its smth that makes your heart sing. <3

[devil-kindred]

Get to Know Me - raisinghellinotherworlds

Saw @pd3 do this and though I’d give it a go!

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1. Name : Siren (it’s a pseudonym!)

2. Nationality: American

3. Age: 27

4. Birthday: January 29th

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign): Aquarius

6. Gender: Female

7. Sexuality: Heterosexual

More below the cut

[[MORE]]

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)

For the record this is the only recent picture of myself I like and this is about as much of my face as you’ll ever see bc I know my angles.

9. What do you/did you study?: I went to school for a Bachelors in Arts with and emphasis on Sciences but never finished it bc 1) college is expensive and 2) I don’t know what I want to do career-wise so there’s not a point in going back anymore.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have?: I’m a service desk associate at a department store. Something where I could deal with less people bc boy does this job push my patience sometimes.

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11. What is your birth order?: Firstborn/Oldest.

12. How many siblings do you have?: Technically four, but only two living.

13. Do you have good relations with your family?: My immediate family. My siblings are closer to each other (but they’re only two years apart) but we get along. I also have a good relationship with my parents though I’m not as close to my mom as I could be it’s hard to forget the not nice things your parent say to you as a kid.

14. How many friends do you have?: Lots though only a few I see/talk to on a regular basis.

15. Your relationship status: Single.

16. What do you look for in a SO?: Intelligent, kind, has a sense of humor.

17. Do you have a crush?: I guess.

18. When was your first kiss?: WHY *sighs* I was... 25.

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?: I’ve... never been in an actual relationship? I’d like to say serious.

20. What are your deal breakers? Being rude, cheating, and treating me like a child/you know what’s best for me/someone in need of saving (new flash, i am not your princess peach/some damsel in distress. If you need to rescue someone I am not your girl).

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21. How was your day?: It’s still early into the day and I go to work in about an hour and a half and I get to close so we’ll see!

22. Favourite food & drink: French Fries. Or anything with potatoes. I’m a fiend. And Dr. Pepper or Coffee.

23. What position do you sleep in?: On my side/stomach on the part of the bed that’s against the wall.

24. What was your last dream about?: It was... highly NSFT and no, I will not go into detail.

25. Your fears: I’m not a fan of spiders or bugs of any kind really, I hate clowns, and I don’t like thunderstorms. Or tornados.

26. Your dreams: Move, either out of state or out of the country.

27. Your goals: See above.

28. Any pets?: A bird, Momo.

29. What are your hobbies?: Writing, playing video games, and reading (fanfic or books)

30. Any cool places in your area?: I’m sure there are but I live in a town surrounded by corn and other farmland so... it’s anyone’s best guess.

31. What was your last awkward situation?: The other day when a customer stared at me for a solid three minutes when I explained that due to the pandemic we’re no longer offering one of our services in an effort to reduce contact.

32. What is your last regret?: That I didn’t realize the true nature of some people who I no longer speak to sooner.

33. Language/s you can speak: English, Spanish (I’m so rusty though), a little bit of French, and a teeny tiny bit of Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.): I believe in my many things so yes.

35. Have any quirks?: Uh... I mess with my hair when I’m nervous? & the more nervous I get my (already high) voice gets higher and will go up several octaves the more nervous I get?

36. Your pet peeves: People in my apartment building slamming the front door all the damn time.

37. Ideal vacation: Somewhere with nice scenery and where it’s calm.

38. Any scars?: Quite a few small ones on my head from a car accident when I was just a baby (I went through a window- got a few scrapes but other than that was unharmed) and one on my hand (it’s on both sides of my hand too) from when I was toddler and got bit by a dog.

39. What does your last text message say?: “I’ll let you know when I get some gameplay posted!” I have a sideblog for casual TS4 gameplay. Was telling a friend that I was going to post new stuff soon.

40. Last 5 things from your search history: No thanks! It’s all just checking if a word is really a word and spelling anyways.

41. What’s your [Device] background?: Lockscreen is a wallpaper from FFXV ft. The Chocobros; Hope Screen is Sam & Evie.

42. What do you daydream about?: Writing mostly.

43. Describe your dream home: Decent amount of space, a library room to hold all my books... good lighting, comfy.... preferably NOT in the middle of nowhere.

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion: I am not a fan. Particularly of Christianity but everyone has their own beliefs and in that regard, to each their own. Just don’t try to convert me bc the answer is f*ck no.

45. Your personality type: INFP.

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done?: Climbed onto the roof of the shed when I was little because I got something stuck up there.

47. Are you happy with your current life?: For the most part!

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life: Gymnastics, Ballet, etc.

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49. What does your wardrobe consist of?: Lots of t-shirts, jeans, shorts, flats, boots, etc.

50. Favourite colour to wear?: Black or Blue.

51. How would you describe your style?: Extremely casual.

52. Are you happy with your current looks?: Kinda? I really need to cut my hair because it’s gotten so long it’s annoying. But I can put up with it until it’s safe again bc pandemic. My hair is not that important I assure you.

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?: Oh God, could I be taller? Like at least 5’3”? Which is still teeny but better than my 4’9” ass.

Do you have any piercings or tattoos?: I have 3 piercings and three tattoos (two finished, one in progress)

55. Do you get complimented often?: Maybe? I’m oblivious to the point that you could have a flashing neon sign with the compliment written on it and it would probably still go over my head.

56. Favourite aesthetic?: Biker Chic!

57. A popular trend that you dislike: Neon.

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58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with?: Blessed Be - Spiritbox.

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like: If I like a song, I like it. But if I have to pick one, I know everyone hates Despacitio. I know, ok but I really like the original version bc I like the sound. Latin music always has a fun groove to it.

60. Favourite genre?: Rock & Metal.

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?: Type O Negative, Pallbearer, Ice Nine Kills. Give me all the goth rock/metal and just fun metal in general.

62. Hated popular songs/artists?: Oh boy... don’t hate me but I um... don’t care too much for T Swift? And I’m not a fan of country.

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5: Devil’s // Door - VCTMS, Karasu - The GazettE, Path - Apocalyptica, I Walk the Line - Halsey, Drumming Song - Florence + the Machine

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?: I can kinda play bass but I’m still learning so it’s just like... the very bare basics.

65. Do you like karaoke?: I’m very self-conscious so no.

66. Own any albums?: Yes, though majority are digital.

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?: Yes. I have it on for background noise in my room in which case I don’t pay attention to it, but I have XM radio in my car where I listen to Octane/Liquid Metal/Turbo.

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68. Favourite movie/series?: The Dark Knight trilogy or Hellraiser or Nightbreed.

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc: Horror, Sci-fi, and fantasy.

70. Your fictional crush/es: Too many. Look at my OCs and their SO’s and you’ll find a bunch of them.

71. Which fictional character is you?: My friends would say Mira Jane from Fairy Tail. My bestie says Mercedes from Fire Emblem Three Houses (minus the devout part bc... I do not have nice feelings re-religion. You do you though!).

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so: Yes, and once again you’ll be reading for eternity. So I’ll sum it up as too many to list.

73. Favourite greek god?: Apollo.

74. A legend from where you live that you like: It’s said that before big disasters happen in the town I live in + the surrounding areas, that you’ll see a panther. Supposedly one has been seen before at least 4 different bad things that have happened over the years. I’m in the midwest though so take that as you will.

75. Do you like art?: I do but I don���t really have a favorite. ... I am kinda partial to Van Gogh though.

76. Can you share your other social media?: I have a Pinterest but since my other social media has my name (which I also share with an OC whoops. That’s what I get for being indecisive and going the first name the name generator gave me) I’d rather not. If you ask and we’re friends I’ll probably give it to you but...

77. Favourite youtubers?: I don’t really watch too many anymore but I’ve been watching a lot of jacksepticeye’s gameplay. Aside that I tend to just watch channels like PlayStation Access or Outsidexbox.

78. Favourite platform?: Instagram

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?: More than I should, I’m sure.

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? Uh, if I had to list them all you’d literally be reading this for eternity. To sum it up, I mostly play RPGs/JRPGs, open-world, survival horror (my fave), and a few (emphasis on few) FPS. Favorites are (once again with a limit): Bioshock, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Until Dawn, Silent Hill 2, and Fatal Frame.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts): do you know how f*cking hard this question is as someone who’s a bookworm? Ok, ok um... Gotta have a limit or I’ll never shut up... um... Three favorites: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, Horns by Joe Hill, and American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

82. Do you play board/card games?: On occasion! They’re best with bigger groups but alas, my apartment is rather small and I don’t have a lot of space for multiple people so I don’t play them often.

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? No, but it sounds fun.

84. Favourite holiday: Halloween!

85. Are you into dramas?: As in, tv dramas? Kinda? I have a friend on lived in SK for a time and got into K-dramas so I watch them with her from time-to-time when she visits.

Would you use a Death Note if you had one?: No.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?: Oh boy... make everyone get along, ensure everyone could live their life to the best possible, etc.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?: Possibly.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?: I’m going with mythical instead of strictly paranormal but... a vampire!

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?: As in to my body? Cremate me. To my stuff, give my books to a good home and take care of my bird.

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?: Most people call me by my middle name already since I got tired of people calling me the wrong name (& I like my middle name better) and insisting my first name was actually a nickname (it’s not, it’s the same as the musician I’m named after) so if I were to eventually be bothered enough, I’d have it legally changed to my middle name.

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?: I don’t know to be honest. I’m fairly happy with my life so I think I’d just not switch.

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo: 🌊

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true: I took karate classes for several years, I’ve never dyed my hair, I’ve had two jobs thus far.

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95. Cold or hot?: Cold I guess? If we’re talking in reference to seasons give me cool (aka Fall).

96. Be a hero or be a villain?: Hero because being a villain would mean I’d have to be mean to people and I can’t even pick the mean options in video games without feeling guilty so...

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?: um... no? I’m not quite certain what this means but I’m going to go with no?

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?: Shapeshifting!

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?: Immortal.

[therealcalicali]

SOLD! (TO IVAR)

IMAGINE BEING SOLD TO IVAR BY YOUR DESPERATE MOTHER.

Warnings: Angst and Fluff.

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"Come on, Y/N! Surely you can move faster than that." The raven-haired Viking shouted. "I will be forced to begin a countdown if you do not make progress soon."

"Apologies, Master. I am trying my best to locate it." 

"Why can I not find this blasted thing?" You thought to yourself

As you ducked behind a large oak tree, you spotted a nosey little rabbit that seemed intent on watching you search for the arrow before finally hopping off. It scurried into a large bush leaving you alone. But then……...that’s when you saw it! The arrow! It was camouflaged within the bushes the rabbit had just disappeared into.

"Thank you, Father God." You said – grateful for the divine help.

Honestly, you feared the Heathen and didn't know what he would have done had you not produced it. You immediately pulled the arrow from the ground and rushed back to where he awaited you. As you walked, as quickly as you could in the tall grass, the Viking spotted you. Standing in his chariot, he appeared even more imposing than he was already.

"Look! I found it." You said - lifting the arrow high over your head in triumph.

Then, something odd occurred. The Viking raised his bow and strung an arrow through it.

"What is happening?" You thought to yourself.

The dark-haired stranger then pointed the weapon directly at you! Your feet faltered as you hesitated to continue going towards him. When your eyes met, you gave him an innocent smile, hoping it would cause him to put the weapon down. But, he did not. As if time itself slowed, you watched helplessly as the Viking released the arrow in your direction. You let out a terrified scream and shut your eyes tightly. Your heart raced as you anticipated the pain or possibly, instant darkness. You stood still for a good long while before you eventually realized that you were unhurt. As you slowly opened your eyes, you heard laughter. Indeed, there was a great deal of laughter coming from the Viking.

"Master, please do not kill me." You begged. "I am sorry that I took so long but the grass is so high."

"I did not aim to kill you Y/N. If I had, you would be dead already." He said with a chuckle.

As you stood beside the chariot, still shaken from the incident, the dark-haired stranger looked at you and smiled.

"Come on!" He said, pointing beside him.

"Master?"

"Get on. I want to show you something and you will not be able to see it from where you are."

You helped yourself onto his chariot, causing the horse to neigh at the shifting of weight. As you stood beside him, the Viking motioned for you to come closer, which you did at once. 

"Do you see it, Y/N?" He asked as he pointed to where you had been standing.

You shielded your eyes from the blazing afternoon sun as you searched the distance. To your utter shock, you spotted a dead wolf where he had directed you to look.

"My God! Do you mean that thing was behind me the entire time?"

"Stalking you like his next meal." The Viking said with a smile. "Now, do you still think I was trying to kill you?"

Though you felt bad for assuming the worst, what did he expect? His people had savaged your settlements for almost three weeks so it was normal that you were afraid. However, you had to admit that he was unlike most of his kinfolk. Since he had been in your family home, the Viking had shown restraint and had not caused harm to any of you.

"Please accept my apologies, Master." You shyly said with your head down. "I was mistaken."

He gave you an amused look before he nodded.

"I accept your apology. Now, let us head home. I am quite famished."

You went to dismount from the chariot, since you always walked to the side of him as he rode. However, you suddenly felt his calloused, partially gloved hand upon your shoulder.

"There may be more around than just that one." He said as he placed his helmet on. "Come stand in front of me."

With reluctance, you went and stood in front him and waited for the Viking to take the reins. However, he did not. For what seemed like an eternity, he did nothing but stand behind you, saying and doing nothing. As the wind picked up, you brushed some of your stray locks out of your face. Though your hair was  tied in a bun, the activity of retrieving his arrows all afternoon had caused it to loosen slightly.

"Master, is something wrong?"

"No."

His one word response made the awkwardness of the moment even worse. Suddenly, you felt his arms move around your waist, with his hands finally gripping your hips. You promptly looked over your shoulder and gave him a confused expression.

"What------"

"I find your shape very captivating. It is unlike the women in my kingdom." He said with a serious expression.

His blue eyes peered into yours seductively, making your ears and neck burn like fire. You quickly looked straight ahead and tried to move his hands.

"Please, it is improper for you to touch me in such a way." You stammered. "If anyone sees us, they will brand me a loose woman. Irrespective of me not having the ability to refuse you……I will be shunned once you and your people depart."

"All that for simply having a man caress your hips?" The Viking asked with a chuckle. "You Christians truly take the fun out of life. So tell me Y/N, is this also inappropriate?"

He embraced you tightly. With his pelvis snug against your backside, he gave you an open-mouthed kiss upon your neck. Though you tried to protest, the words caught in your throat. His lips upon your flesh was a sensation you found yourself liking a great deal. Truth be told, you had shared innocent kisses with a local boy behind the church before. However, he had never given you erotic pecks upon your neckline as the Viking was doing.

"Please!" You finally managed to say. "I beg that you to refrain from doing any more."

"Y/N, you are quite entertaining." He said. "I have always wondered how a Christian girl would react to being touched. And it is just as I thought. You resist too much for no good reason. As you can see, no lightening has struck you from the sky."

You kept silent as he finally took hold of the reins and clicked his tongue - signaling the horse to move. At first, your mind was only on what the Viking had done, but the thrill of the ride soon made you forget everything. Never had you felt as free as you did upon the horse-drawn chariot. The speed in which he drove his steed, thrilled you. It was like flying while still being on the ground.

_________________

A few minutes into the ride, the two of you finally came upon the entrance to your town. 

The smile promptly left your face as you were spotted by your fellow Christians. The adults and children going about their day stared at you and the Viking with thinly veiled hatred. As the horse trolled slowly through the township, the stares became worse.

"It appears your people do not like the fact that you are with me." The Viking whispered in your ear. "Should we give them a show?"

Catching you off-guard, he suggestively slid his warm tongue from the crook of your neck to your earlobe. His scandalous display made a group of women at a well, frown. Some shaking their heads in disgust or clutching their crosses.

"Stop it." You hissed.

"Y/N, why are you so against having pleasure?"

"I am not. I just cannot have the type of "pleasure" you are obviously into."

As the chariot passed the town square, the menfolk and merchants looked at you with pity in their eyes. Most likely assuming the Viking had violated you no doubt. Suddenly, you caught a glimpse of a girl that looked familiar. She was standing beside a tall flaxen-haired Viking looking quite terrified.

"Sophia Brighton?" You said to yourself. "Yes, that is definitely her."

The two of you were hardly chums - more acquaintances than anything else. She had always been impolite towards you and teased you often with her circle of friends. As the chariot pulled alongside her and the Viking, you noticed tears in her eyes as she stood beside him.

"Brother, where have you been all day?" Your Viking Master asked.

"Ivar, please do not behave as if you are my mother." The other Viking replied. "I planned on joining you but Ubbe asked me to mediate a dispute."

"Well, thank you for revealing my name."

You looked over your shoulder briefly, pleased to finally know the stranger's name. Your entire family had been curious as to what is was since his arrival, but he had refused to divulge it.

"Who is she? Your bed-warmer for the night?" His brother asked.

"Y/N?" Ivar said. "No. I prefer to make her do chores for me. You should come and eat at her home, Hvitserk. She and her mother are wonderful cooks."

"Really? I shall take you up on that offer. Expect us within the hour."

When you and Sophia finally locked eyes, you gave her a comforting smile. At that moment, it was all you could do.

"I must help her." You thought to yourself. "Irrespective of her past behavior, she is kinfolk."

Ivar gave instruction on how to get to your homestead and bid farewell to his brother. As the two of you continued your journey, you tried to think of the best way to ask for his help.

____________

After having his evening bath, Ivar sat at a table drinking and playing chess with your grandfather. For some reason, he had developed a liking of the old man and spoke with him often about numerous topics. As you passed by with some of the kitchen servants, he glanced at you.

"What smells so good?"

"It is Girdle bread, Master." You said as you put the tray of freshly bake bread on the table.

"I have never heard of that before. Is it good?"

"It is better than good. I know you are sure to like it." You said confidently.

"Is that so?" Ivar asked – eyeing you keenly before sipping his mead. "Alright. We shall see if you are right. If I do not like it however, I will punish you."

"What?" You asked, turning to face him.

"You heard me. If you assert something, it best be true. At least that is how it works in my world."

"But I-------."

"No more argument, Y/N. Get the rest of the food before it gets cold."

With that, Ivar turned his attention back to the game of chess. In the kitchen you cursed yourself for saying anything to him about the food

________________

At the dining table, you were all sat down eating when there was a knock at the door.

"Get it!" Ivar said, not looking up from his plate.

Your mother commanded one of the servants who rushed to the door and opened it cautiously.

"Hope I am not late." Hvisterk said as he entered with your friend Sophia right behind him.

"Sophia!" Your grandfather said. "My dear, is your family alight?"

The words had barely left his lips before she burst into tears. Your grandfather went and took her by the hand before glancing at you. Knowing what the look meant, you stood and went to her side.

"Calm yourself, Sophia." You said. "You are safe here."

"My family is dead! All of them! My Mother! My Father! My brothers...……..all gone!" She screamed.

Sophia's body trembled as the sorrow overwhelmed her senses. You glanced at Ivar and hoped he would not punish you for what you were about to request.

"Master, would it be alright if I take her to my chamber?"

Despite staring at you for a moment with a peculiar expression, Ivar nodded his approval. Grateful for his permission, you thanked him and led Sophia away. As you were going, your mother joined you both knowing her presence could help calm the girl.

___________________

It took a great deal of coaxing to get Sophia to finally stop crying. She had wept so much that you feared she would fall sick that very night. Thankfully, you were able to calm her long enough to give her some soup and tuck her into your bed. When your mother left your chamber to go eat, Sophia grabbed your arm forcefully. She looked at you wide-eyed – her face puffy and red from crying.

"Please, Y/N! Do not allow that Heathen to take me away! I know he means to bed me." Sophia begged. "After all I have been through, that will send me over the edge. I cannot bear any more torment."

You rubbed her back while promising to do something to prevent him from taking her away. After talking to her a while longer, you eventually got Sophia to go to sleep.

________________

"Why did you take so long, Y/N?" Ivar asked as soon as you sat down.

Mealtime was almost over and everyone was enjoying the last course your mother and servants had put out. Mulled wine along with Cuskynoles (fruit filled pastries). You apologized to Ivar before you started eating your soup, which was now very cold.

"Is your friend done being emotional?" Hvitserk asked.

You jaw tensed at his absurd question. Did he think she would get over her family being slaughtered just because you spoke to her? Though you wanted to say something sarcastic, you knew better.

"Sophia is not well. She is in deep despair over her family. However, mother and I managed to put her to bed."

Hvitserk seemed indifferent to your response and continued eating. Ivar however, kept watching you.

"I hope you know that you are going to receive punishment, Y/N." He said.

Hvitserk chuckled at his brothers words and glanced at you.

"Punishment?" You asked. "But Master, you gave me permission to take her to my chamber. I know it took long for me to return but I assure you, she was very distraught."

"It has nothing to do with that." He said. "I am referring to you claiming that I would like the Girdle bread. Well…………I hated it."

"Really? But everyone-----."

"Are you questioning me?" Ivar said before taking the cup to his lips.

Knowing you were in an unwinnable situation, you began eating again.

"If you please, Master...." Your grandfather said. “do not be too harsh with my granddaughter. She is well-meaning and did not intend to misguide you. She perhaps does not understand that taste varies from region to region."

Ivar nodded and stated that your grandfather's words were both wise and prudent. For that reason, he assured the old man that he would not punish you severely.

_______________

After mealtime was over, Ivar and his brother sat by the fireplace discussing skirmishes from the days prior. Your mother had gone to check on Sophia whilst your grandfather had already turned in for the night. As you helped clear the dining table, you noted that Ivar kept glancing at you time-to-time. When you returned from the kitchens, he asked you to take a seat beside him. You had wanted to have some private time to read, but apparently, he had other plans.

"Y/N, what do you think of my brother?" Ivar asked.

"What do you mean?" You asked with some confusion. 

"What do you think of him as a man?" He said. "He tells me that he desires you. Right Hvitserk?"

Looking at his handsome brother, you contemplated how best to respond. Why Ivar had even asked you such a stupid question, you did not know. As much as you had taught him about your faith, he knew very well how you would reply to such an offensive question. Though you did not want to offend Hvitserk, you also didn't want to say something that made you seem agreeable.

"I am sure most women would be flattered by your intentions. However, my religion forbids fornication."

"Fornication? What does that mean?" Hvitserk asked.

"Well, answer him, Y/N." Ivar commanded with a smirk.

"Fornication is the act of laying with a person you are not married to. God frowns on it."

The brothers erupted with laughter upon hearing your explanation. Ivar knew the definition already but it didn't stop him from chuckling alongside Hvitserk. They both thought it quite absurd that your people denied themselves pleasure in such a strict fashion.

"Now I know why your friend looked ready to collapse whenever I tried to touch her." Hvitserk said.

You waited for the laughter to settle down, not saying anything in response. When you spotted a servant coming with a pitcher of ale, you quickly stood and went to her.

"I will serve them for the rest of the night. You may go." You said.

"Are you certain, Miss?" The woman asked, not wanting to leave you with the Heathens.

“Yes.”

Still not quite convinced, the servant handed you the pitcher and took her leave. You served Hvitserk first, despite not liking the manner in which he looked at you. He was attractive but you could tell that he cared little about hiding his lustful intentions. When you reached Ivar, you looked at him with determination though you were very nervous.

"Might I say something?" You whispered as you filled his cup.

"What is it?"

"It is for you ears only." You answered – keeping your voice low.

Though he appeared irritated by your request, Ivar motioned for you to go ahead. You bent down, you lips practically touching his ear.

"Please do not let your brother take my friend with him. She is traumatized and I fear for her sanity."

Ivar looked up at you with an amused smirk before he glanced at his brother. He then looked back at you.

"What is in it for me?" He said before taking the cup to his lips.

Your heart sank. Perhaps you were naive, or believed too much in the goodness of your fellow man. But you had hoped he would help you out of sheer pity.

"What……what do you want in return?"

"That is not how it works, Y/N." Ivar said with a wicked smile. "Just tell me you will do whatever I want as reward. If you do that, you may keep your friend."

You truly hoped he was not the type to take advantage of the situation. Though very apprehensive about making a deal with him, you really had no choice. You couldn't allow Sophia to be taken by his brother.

"Alright. I will do whatever you want."

Ivar's blue eyes bore into Y/C eyes with satisfaction. In that moment he appeared the perfect likeness of Lucifer. The beautiful angel who seduced people towards darkness by taking them unawares. Whatever he had in mind, you were too tired to think about it. As you placed the pitcher down on the wooden table, you felt his hand upon your wrist.

"Where are you going? I owe you a punishment."

Hvitserk chuckled as his brother pulled you to his lap. Though you were anxious, you did not protest.

"Relax, Y/N. "Ivar said. "Your punishment is simply for you to give me a kiss. Right, here." He added as he pointed to his cheek.

You did not want to, however, a simple kiss on the cheek was easy enough to do. Turning slightly, you leaned towards his face. As you went to kiss his cheek, Ivar turned his head causing your lips to land upon his. Taken aback, you sat up straight with an embarrassed expression. Ivar however, looked very pleased with himself.

"Why do you look so uncomfortable?" He asked. "It was an innocent kiss."

"But you tricked me."

"That may be true. But that does not mean you did not like it. I can see it in your eyes."

"I must go to bed." You said while avoiding his gaze.

"Alright. It seems you Christians turn in as early as children. You may go."

You stood and bid them good evening but before you could leave, Ivar grabbed hold of your hand again.

“What is it now?” You asked.

"I just wanted to make a confession. I did in fact like the Girdle bread." He said with a laugh.

You wanted to hit Ivar but instead, you snatched your hand away. Refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset, you stormed off to bed. With you gone, the brothers decided to go to the town square to enjoy the festivities their fellow Vikings were holding.

A few hours later, when he had returned home, Ivar snuck into your chamber. He found you asleep on a makeshift bed since Sophia was resting on your own. Quietly as he could, Ivar crawled to you and laid down. Feeling a presence, you stirred from your sleep. When you realized it was Ivar by your side, you asked him if everything was alright.

"I just want to lay in your arms." He said.

Doing as he requested, you cuddled him close to you and soon, the two of you drifted off to sleep.

_______________

After first meal the following morning, you helped the servants prepare a warm bath for Ivar. His brother Hvitserk was not there so you assumed he slept wherever he had been residing since their arrival. As you were cooling down the water in the bathing tub, Ivar entered upon his crutch.

"I am almost done." You informed him.

From the corner of your eye, you saw him take a seat upon the stool before  removing his tunic.

"Master! I said I am almost finished. You will have privacy shortly."

"Unlike you, I do not require privacy to disrobe." He said with a chuckle. "I know you fear the human body Y/N, but you should look at me. It is harmless."

"Please." You said with great inhibition. "You know very well that I cannot."

"Why? Because of that book you cling to? Or is it because those strangely dressed men and women make you ashamed of things that are perfectly natural. Either way, you are being very illogical. It is quite absurd to live life always afraid of what others may think of you."

"I am not afraid. I merely revere my faith." You said, fed up with his words. "My religion may not make sense to you, but neither does yours to me. Our Heaven is as real to us as your so-called Valhalla. So, please refrain from insulting my Christian beliefs any further!"

You instantly wished you had not said the last bits. Nevertheless, it was too late to take back your words. Bracing yourself for the worst, you sat quietly as the two male servants continued helping Ivar remove his braces. Oddly enough, he did not say anything nor did he dismiss you. Realizing they were close to undressing Ivar fully, you turned your back to avoid his nudity. When the men had placed him in the bathing tub, he ordered them to get out and wait in the hallway. He still did not dismiss you as you had hoped.

"Come here Y/N."

"I beg you not to do this. You know very well that I cannot look at you."

"Are you testing my patience?"

Relenting, you stood from where you were and walked to him - looking at the floor the entire time. When you finally reached the bathing tub, you knelt beside it, still focusing your gaze elsewhere.

"I assure you that I will not do anything inappropriate." Ivar said. "Just look at me. That is all I ask."

Timidly, you finally gave in and beheld him.

"He is simply beautiful." You thought to yourself.

Since you had never seen a nude man before you had nothing to compare it to. However, you still knew Ivar's body was nearly perfect. His tribal markings and well-toned figure intrigued you, despite all your inner protests. As you were observing his form, Ivar's blue eyes never left you. He was fascinated by your innocence. Not wanting you to leave, he abruptly ordered you to begin washing his back.

"By the way, I took care of your problem." He said as you lathered his back.

"My problem?"

"You wanted my brother to leave your friend Sophia alone, correct?"

"Yes." You replied, gliding the sponge over his muscular shoulder.

"Well, I did as you asked. I told him that I found her very attractive and wanted her for myself. Of course, he did not agree at first but I found a more willing young lady for him last night. A very eager one, might I add. All of you Christians are not so……….chaste, it seems." Ivar said with a chuckle. "So you see, your friend is safe now."

"Thank you."

"There is no need for gratitude, Y/N. After all, I did it for selfish reasons, remember? You owe me." He said, reminding you of your promise. "Once I think of my reward, I will inform you."

"So, your brother believed you wanted her?" You asked - interested in his reasoning for using that particular excuse.

"Of course." An amused Ivar said. "Truthfully, I had planned on asking for her before you said anything. As soon as Sophia stops mourning her family, I will take her as a lover. If I find her very much to my liking, I may even marry her."

You swallowed hard. Hearing him admit his intentions towards her in such blunt fashion made you feel…..jealous.

"Of course, Master." You said. "Sophia has always been considered a beauty. But you do know by the time she is done mourning, you and your people will be long gone."

"I know. That is why I am taking her with me." He replied, causing you to nearly drop the sponge.

Since he felt you stop washing his back, Ivar looked at you, a small smirk curving the sides of his lips.

"What is the matter?" He asked.

"Nothing, Master. I………got distracted." You said.

Suddenly, Ivar grabbed hold of you by the waist and dragged you into the tub. It was so quick, you didn't even have time to scream in protest. He held you tightly as the warm water saturated your dress, making the fabric heavy against your body.

"Have you gone mad?" You hissed. "People are going to think we are doing debauched things! You are going to ruin my reputation!"

"Why must you care so much about the opinion of others?" Ivar asked. Taking hold of the silver cross the dangled over your bust, he pressed his lips against your ear. "Is it because of this?"

You tried to get out of the tub but he only held you tighter. Again, he demanded that you to answer his question about the cross but you refused to speak.

"Fine. Since you want to disobey me, I shall hold on to this until you have earned it back."

Ivar promptly yanked the cross, causing the chain to break. Infuriated by his unreasonable reaction to your silence, you tried to get out of the bathing tub again. This time around, he did not stop you. You climbed out with your dress dripping water much to his amusement. The woman who typically bathed Ivar finally entered carrying two buckets of warm water. When she noticed that you were drenched, she looked away quickly. You could tell the servant was outraged at the entire scene she had walked into. As she put the buckets down near the bathing tub, she turned to Ivar.

"My apologies for taking long, young Master." She said as she lathered the sponge. "I had to fetch more firewood to heat your water."

"You came right on time actually." He said to the woman as he gripped your cross and chain in his left hand. Looking up at you, he smirked. "You may leave Y/N. I am bathing, after all."

___________________

As you and Sophia sat upon one of your mother's quilts, she gazed at the ocean whilst you read. Ivar stood nearby upon his crutch, looking out into the waters as well, deep in thought. He had brought you all to the seashore because the weather was quite delightful that afternoon.

"Thank you for allowing me to stay in your chamber Y/N." Sophia said - her long raven hair blowing in the wind. "I do not know how I can ever repay the kindness you and your family has shown me."

"No need. We are fellow Christians after all." You said before looking back to your book.

You suddenly began to wonder why Ivar was so keen on taking her to his homeland. 

“Why do I even care? After all, who wants to be spirited away to live amongst Heathens? Certainly not me.” You assured yourself.

Ivar finally walked over to where the two of you sat and took a seat upon a large rock. When he began to undo the braces on his legs, Sophia asked if she could help.

"That would be nice." He said before glaring at you.

You watched her go to him, her petite frame in a beautiful pink dress that belonged to you. You hated that she looked better in it than you did when you wore it. Truly, you almost regretted allowing her to choose what she wanted from your wardrobe. As she helped Ivar with his leg braces, he took hold of her chin and tilted her face upward.

"Sophia, I hear you lost your whole family. Is that the case?"

"Yes, Master." She said – her voice shaking as if on the verge of tears.

"You have my deepest condolences."

"Thank you. It is kind of you to say that." 

You rolled your eyes as you tried to focus on the book. Sophia had always been good at impressing the right people. Even at Church and School, she had always known how to make all the adults like her. But she cared little about her peers liking her, at least the ones she deemed unworthy. Like you, for example. Now, there she sat being coddled by a Viking of all people. It was enough to make you spit.

"Sophia, tell me, who will take care of you now?" Ivar asked.

"I do not know. Y/N and her family have been so kind thus far but I know I cannot live with them forever." She said before shooting you a genuine smile.

Though you smiled in return, you felt the familiar ache of jealousy in the pit of your belly. He spoke to her as if she were a delicate flower. But whenever he spoke to you, he acted as if you were a drinking companion.

"It is true that you cannot live with someone else’s family forever.” Ivar said. “That is why you must be taken care of by a man. Someone who can protect you and provide the things you need in life."

Sophia looked up - her green eyes searching Ivar's. She wasn't sure of what to say. However, she knew that the Viking seemed kinder than all the others she had encountered. Additionally, his infirmity made her not fear him as she did his kinfolk.

"I suppose, if that were to ever happen. I would welcome it, Master."

"Please do not be so formal when addressing me. I want you to call me Ivar from now on."

You nearly threw the book you were trying to read at his head. The sheer nerve! The entire three and a half weeks in your home, he had refused to give his name. In fact, you only learned what he was called due to Hvitserk's slip of tongue. Still, he made you address him as 'Master'.

But after knowing Sophia for barely one day, he had just given permission for her to call his name. To say that you were infuriated would have been an understatement.

"Alright……..Ivar." Sophia said bashfully. 

"So, would you like for me to take care of you?"

"Really?" She said with surprise. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Because I like you." He said. "I can provide you things most men cannot."

"If you are being earnest, then, I suppose I would like that very much." 

"You understand that it means you have to live in my Kingdom. Are you willing to do that?" Ivar asked.

“Of course. There is nothing left for me here anymore. Just promise that you will not leave me until I get accustomed to things. I will not know anyone in your homeland after all.”

“Do not worry Sophia. You and I will spend allot of time together.”

You turned your back, completely unable to take any more of them interacting with one another. Some time later, as you lost yourself in the fable you were reading, you felt Ivar crawl beside you. Sophia took a seat on the other side of him, much happier than she had been earlier.

"What are you reading?" He asked.

"A book!"

"I see that." Ivar sneered. "Do not show insolence, Y/N."

You looked at him, noting he was truly angered by your response.

"Forgive me, Master." You said with a hint of sarcasm. "I am reading a collection of fables and folklore. Would you like me to read it aloud?"

Apparently curious about the tales from your culture, Ivar agreed. He then positioned his head upon Sophia's lap and asked you to carry on – much to your annoyance. You hated the way he was making you feel as if you were an unwanted person in their midst. Even as you read, you could hear them whispering to one another. What they were discussing, only God himself knew. After you had read about three stories, Ivar sat up, taking notice of the suns position.

"We shall leave soon." He said. "There is rain coming."

"How can you tell?" You asked.

He shrugged and stated that he just knew from the way the wind had changed and the drop in temperature. You found it odd but said nothing more. As for Sophia, she asked if it was alright for her to take a quick walk before you returned home. Ivar gave her permission and just like that, she removed her shoes and knitted hose. Gingerly, she rushed towards the shoreline with her skirts lifted, eager to wet her feet.

"Sophia is quite fragile." Ivar commented as he watched her.

"Is that not what you like?" You said as you placed the book into your leather satchel. "That is why you offered to take care of her, is it not?"

"True, I offered to take care of her." He said. "Why does that seem to bother you?"

"It does not bother me. What you choose to do with her is none of my affair."

"Lies!" Ivar said. "I can see your heart pounding from here. You are a jealous woman, Y/N!"

"That is ridiculous."

"Is it? So if I were to ask her to move into my chamber tonight, you would not care?"

"Why should I?"

Ivar laughed as he crawled closer to you. Sitting up, he peered into your eyes.

"If I did not know any better Y/N, I would think you want me." He said. "But that is impossible, since it would require you to actually feel something between your legs."

You didn’t know why his statement made you so mad. But you were so hurt at his wisecrack that you shoved Ivar hard onto the sand. He landed face first before you realized what you had done. Instant regret took hold as you watched him roll onto his back and spit out the sand that had entered his mouth.

You had allowed your temper to get the best of you and now, were at the mercy of an unpredictable man. Just as Ivar was sitting up and dusting himself off, Sophia returned and looked at his sand covered clothes.

"What happened, Ivar?" She asked with concern helping him straightaway.

"Do not worry yourself. I just had a little bit of an accident." He said eyeing you.

________________

As soon as the evening meal had ended, the storm started - just as Ivar had predicted. Amazed by his ability to predict the weather, Sophia told your family what he had said at the seashore.

"I am not surprised." Your grandfather said. "He is a smart sea-fairing man after all."

"You are too kind." Ivar said as he sipped his mulled wine.

Taking a seat by the fireplace, he asked Sophia to come and sit beside him. To your irritation, he requested that she read from one of your books. So, she sat comfortably beside Ivar whilst you were busy clearing the table with the servants. Your mother, who was busily knitting, glanced at the young Viking and then Sophia, impressed with her change of mood.

"Pardon the interruption, Master, but appears that you are a good influence on her countenance." She remarked.

"I have that effect on women……or so people tell me." Ivar replied giving you a quick glance as you passed by.

You took your time assisting the servants in washing the tableware despite not being required to. The reason being that you wanted to avoid having to endure Ivar and his newfound attachment to Sophia. When you finally made your way back to the sitting room, she was not there. Ivar and your mother were the only ones sat by the fireplace. Still drinking, he seemed content to listen to your mother sing as she knitted.

"Come and sit." Ivar said, pointing to a chair near him.

You sat down and tried your best to avoid his gaze. You could sense his mischievous intentions from the way he even gave the command.

"Why did you push me?" He asked. "It was discourteous. Do you know I have killed men for less than that?"

Upon hearing his statement, your mother stopped what she was doing. She looked at you with both astonishment and anger.

"Y/N!" How could you do such a thing?"

Your jaw tightened so hard that you were certain that your teeth would crack. There was no explanation you could think of that would appease them. You did it in the heat of the moment as a reaction to his vulgarity. But of course, you couldn't say that.

"Apologize to him this instant!" Your mother commanded.

You were her only child and she determined to protect you, even if it was from yourself. Regardless of how kind he had been thus far, Ivar was still part of an invading Viking force. A force that had devastated your settlements thoroughly despite being outnumbered. You went to where he sat and knelt beside him.

"Master, please forgive me. What I did was very cruel and worthy of punishment. I truly do not know what came over me."

Ivar fought his desire to laugh. He was more amused with your apology than anything else. Looking at your mother, he proclaimed that he accepted your show of remorse and would let the matter go.

"Thank you, Master." Your mother replied - pleased with his compassion.

You took your seat again, listening to the crackling of the fire and your mother's singing. Unexpectedly, Sophia returned to the sitting area. You thought she had gone to bed but that was apparently not the case. She was carrying some wood and other items bound in leather.

"Here you go." She said as she placed the items on the table. "I am sorry I took long finding it."

Ivar took hold of one of the pieces of wood and began whittling. From what you could assess, he was making more arrows. As he worked, he would glance at you from time-to-time. Sophia, who seemed tired from the long day, placed her petite hands upon her lap and watched him work. Like you, she was waiting for him to give her permission to turn in for the night. Since Ivar seemed intent on keeping you and your friend awake, your mother grew tired and bid you all a good evening. With the three of you finally alone, he looked up from his whittling.

"Sophia, I am curious as to how you wound up in the company my brother."

"With my family gone………I took refuge with some women and children an undamaged church. One day he, your brother, entered with some men. They began ransacking the valuables and taking some of the women.  Though I hid, he spotted me and took me by force. It wasn't too long after that when the two of you happened upon us."

"So he had no time to lay with you?" Ivar asked.

Sophia looked down at her hands.

"No. Thankfully."

"Why are you people so afraid of being touched?" He asked in an amused tone. "So you would not lay with a man even if you desired him greatly?"

"It does not matter how we feel. We are expected to deny our lust." Sophia said flatly.

Ivar rolled his eyes before glancing at the two of you. It seemed he had heard enough about your religion for the night.

"You may go to bed now. Y/N and I have something to discuss."

Pleased to get some rest, she stood and proceeded to leave the two of you alone. As she passed by Ivar, he unexpectedly took hold of her wrist. Looking directly at you, he pointed to his cheek. Sophia obliged and placed a chaste kiss upon his cheek.

"And here." He said, tapping his lips with his finger.

Without hesitation, Sophia bent down and gave him a peck causing you to scowl.

"What does he hope to gain doing all this in my presence?" You wondered.

"Good evening, Y/N." Sophia said, interrupting your internal brooding.

"Good evening to you as well. God watch over you as you sleep."

With a smile, she departed for your chamber. Ivar began chuckling as soon as the two of you were alone.

"God watch over her? Well, I suppose she does need protection……from you."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me Y/N. If looks could kill, you would have killed poor Sophia twice over. Honestly, you are quite terrible at hiding your jealously. Which is a sin, if I am not mistaken. Is that not one of your commandments? To not envy others."

You shifted in your seat, angered by the smug way he eyed you up and down.

"Let us go to my chamber. I require your help getting ready for bed." Ivar said as he placed his whittling items down.

"I can get one of the servants."

"No! After shoving me, it is the least you can do."

_______________

"Do you not want your nightclothes?" You asked as you held them up.

"No." Ivar said as he laid on his back.

He was nude with the exception of the coverlet pulled up to his pelvis. Because of this, you made sure to look away as you arranged his clothes.

"Y/N, stop folding those things and come lay beside me."

Your head snapped in his direction – absolutely dumbfounded by the request.

"There are many things I can do for you, however, that is not one of them. What of my mother? And do you know what rumors the servants will----."

"I care not for what people think and neither should you. Besides, I saved Sophia as you requested so this is what I want in payment. You shall sleep beside me tonight."

You sighed heavily. Of all the things he could think of as "payment", it had to be this. Something that could start wild gossip about your chastity. You went to the bed and sat down. As you began removing your shoes and hosiery, Ivar sat up and watched. When you attempted to lay down however, he became upset.

"No! Take your dress off first." He demanded.

"What?"

"You heard me Y/N. Take it off. If you keep me waiting, I will do it for you!"

You chuckled slightly at his threat, thinking that not even he could be so irrational. But, Ivar proved you wrong. Grabbing hold of you, he dragged you into the bed. Without hesitation, he began loosening the fastenings of your bodice.

"Alright!" You shouted. "I will take it off."

Despite you saying you would now cooperate, Ivar did not stop forcefully undressing you. He broke the lacing of your dress and pulled it down with force - exposing your breasts.

"Wait!" You shouted, hitting him several times in the process.

Despite your protests, he continued to ignore you. It did not take long for him to remove both your dress and smock. After he tossed them onto the floor, he looked down at you.

"Y/N, remove this as well." Ivar said as his fingertips danced across the waistband of your linen breeches. 

Your heart raced as you pulled the garment down until it finally reached your ankles. As you slipped them off, Ivar looked at you, pleased to finally have you nude beside him. You lay upon your back, staring at the ceiling - wondering how you had managed to get yourself in such a predicament.

"Admit it. This is not as appalling as everyone has made you believe." Ivar said.

Before you could reply, he pulled you closer, so close you could feel his breath upon your cheek. The two of you laid in silence for a while before he raised his head to look at you.

"There is something I must tell you, Y/N. It is important that you know it, before I say what is truly on my mind." 

He then made you promise that you would not laugh nor react in a way that would upset him. When you agreed, he exhaled deeply before gazing into your eyes.

"I have never laid with a woman before."

You were speechless. Did this Viking really want you to believe that he was a virgin? Since you had heard tales of their animalistic sexual practices, you nearly scoffed.

"Master, I do-----."

"Ivar, will suffice." He said.

"So you are finally permitting me to call you by your given name?" You asked with irritation. "Why did it have to take so long?"

"I would have given permission sooner but you behave like a spiteful child."

"What?" You said – annoyed by the accusation.

"You heard me. At any rate, does that really matter now?"

"I suppose not."

"Good. Now, go ahead and finish your thought." Ivar said.

"I was going to say that I am surprised. Honestly, it is almost hard to believe."

"Why, Y/N? Can you not see that I am a cripple? I know some are able to…..please women and even have children but, I...……"

You stroked the side of Ivar's face, observing the deep sadness that prevented him from finishing his words.

"Ivar, I understand." You said affectionately.

"Do you know why I chose to share something so personal with you?"

"Because you trust me?" 

"Yes. But not only that. I shared this because I have grown fond of you."

"But....Sophia?"

"Do not bring her into this. I just confessed that I have fallen for you. Therefore, I deserve a response. And please, do not lie to me. I grow weary of all the pretense. Even a blind person can see the way your jealousy has peaked since your friend arrived."

"Alright, Ivar. I do care about-------."

He could not wait any longer. His yearning to kiss you got the best of him. Crashing his lips to yours, he took your breath away with a passionate but loving kiss. Brushing his bottom lip against yours, he cupped your cheek in his rough hand.

"I will not play with your emotions again if you will stop denying your feelings for me." Ivar said. "Are we in agreement?"

With his mouth only inches from yours, you simply nodded - too overwhelmed by everything that had occurred. Pressing his soft lips against yours, he gave you another kiss before embracing you tightly.

"We are leaving your settlements soon." He whispered.

Your heart sank. Why did he not say anything before confessing his feelings for you? Turning your back to him, you tried your best to not let your disappointment show.

"Sleep well, Y/N." Ivar said, as he held you close.

You were barely able to wish him the same as you fought the tears that welled in your eyes. Closing your eyes, you decided to rest a little before sneaking back to your chamber.

_________________

The following day, you and Ivar were still asleep when some servants entered to do their chores. Upset to see you in bed with the Heathen, the appalled women shook their heads as they worked. A Christian girl bedding a murderous Viking in her own family's home? The scandal of it all. Eventually, a groggy Ivar raised his head and looked beside him. He was happy to see that you were peacefully sleeping beside him. Laying his head back down, he asked one of the women to make certain that his bath was drawn.

"Of course, Master." She said. "Shall we have the kitchen warm food for afterward since you missed the morning meal?"

"Yes. And make sure there is some for Y/N as well."

The incensed woman left as the other servants continued gathering Ivar's clothes to be washed.

________________

When you had taken you bath and dressed for the day, you entered the main room to dead silence. Sophia was quietly reading the bible whilst your mother knitted, quite furious from what you could gather. Your grandfather regarded you briefly as he played chess with Ivar. However, you noticed the hint of disappointment in his eyes.

"They think he bedded me!" You realized.

You chastised yourself. Why did you not awaken early as you had planned? It was not your intention to be caught in bed with Ivar at all. You had anticipated waking in the middle of the night and sneaking to your chamber before anyone was the wiser. Unfortunately, sleeping beside him proved to be too comfortable.

"Y/N! Take a seat!" Your mother snapped.

You immediately obeyed and sat down whilst Ivar continued mulling over his chess moves. He seemed quite unaffected by the fact that everyone thought he had deflowered you.

"Master, if you do not mind, your attention is required." Your mother said.

Still calm as ever, Ivar looked at her and stated that she had his attention.

"There is talk that you were in bed with my daughter. Both of you completely naked."

You cringed and placed your hands over your face. Sophia, who had obviously heard the rumors as well, glanced at you from her bible. Remarkably, she gave you a compassionate look. After being silent for a few minutes, Ivar finally spoke.

"I will let your daughter address the issue." He said.

Looking at your mother, you became more afraid of her than you had ever been in your entire life. You understood that you allowed yourself to get caught in a compromising position. However, you were hurt that everyone automatically presumed the worst. Regardless of what you were about to say, the rumors were already flying.

"We did not mean for it to happen, mother." You said with your head bowed.

Your mother stared at you - very hurt by your confession. No Christian man would want you now. Despite coming to your side and embracing you, your grandfather also looked dejected. He too understood that you would never find a husband, not a decent one at least. The rumor had already begun spreading thanks to the household servants. It wouldn't be long before you were the talk of all the settlements.

"Do you know what they will do to my granddaughter now?" Your grandfather asked. "She will be shunned if not worse."

As Ivar sipped his mead, he stared at you. He was amused that you had not denied the accusation.

"Well, what would you like me to do about it, Sir? Your people are quite irrational when it comes to their beliefs. You cannot expect me to convince them to forgive her." He said.

"I am not expecting such a thing. However, I expect you to make an honest woman out of her. It is the least you can do."

Ivar shrugged and asked why they assumed that he wanted a wife. This made your grandfather quite livid. As he kept his hand upon your shoulder, he informed Ivar that he was not being a gentleman.

"True. But I never claimed to be one. I am merely a Viking that came here to conquer and attain treasure. Nothing more, nothing less."

You glared at Ivar, unsure of what he hoped to accomplish by uttering such cruel things. He was not being the person he had been the previous evening. Noticing your angry eyes upon him, Ivar could not stop himself from smirking.

"Alright. Let us pretend that I agree to make an honest woman out of Y/N. Who will guarantee that I shall return to exchange vows? After all, my people depart tomorrow."

Your jaw nearly dropped. He had mentioned that they were leaving but he never stated that it was so soon.

"Then you will take her with you!" Your mother interrupted as she stood. Standing right in front of Ivar, she faced off with him in determined fashion. "It is the only way. Furthermore, you shall pay her worth in gold and silver. I will not allow you to just walk off into the sunset after taking advantage of my daughter!"

You were all taken aback by your mother's boldness. In all your life, you had never seen her act so fearless. As everyone awaited Ivar's response, he leisurely took a swig of mead. Obviously, his demeanor made you uneasy and you feared that your mother had pushed him too hard.

"Fine. I shall do as you have asked." Ivar said.

You could not believe your ears. One of the most fearsome Vikings you had ever seen had just conceded to your mother. After all the times you had seen him bloody from head to toe, you never expected such an outcome. Ivar motioned for you to come to him, which of course you did right away. Taking hold of your hand, he looked up at you.

"Y/N, I have heard from your mother but now, it is your turn to have your say. Will you leave with me tomorrow as my intended wife?"

"Of course I will." You said, even surprising yourself at how quickly you said it.

Ivar looked up at you, seemingly amazed that the two of you were finally going to be together.

__________________

The following afternoon, you and Sophia stood upon the deck of the head ship looking out into the ocean. Ivar had brought her along just as promised.

"Y/N, thank you for being such a good friend. I do not know what I would have done without you." 

"Of course. I am just glad to have your company."

"So am I. Though I do not have any family left, at least I now have you. We shall be like sisters." Sophia said before giving you a hug.

You smiled, amazed at how much tragedy had changed her once conceited personality. From afar, Ivar watched the two of you a while, still amazed that you cared for him. 

After some time, he finally approached you upon his crutch.

"Do you mind if I have some private time with Y/N?" He asked.

"Of course not." Sophia replied. "I was planning to lay down anyway. To be honest, I think I am beginning to feel seasick."

As you stood beside him, you glanced at Ivar, still astonished at the amount of coin he had given just to have you.

"You know something Y/N, it is a good thing that your people are so zealous." He said pulling you close. "Had it not been for their irrational need for purity, I would not have gained your hand. I knew that having you in my bed would cause panic and rumors. However, I did not expect you to go along with it. I thought you surely would deny it all."

"Well Ivar, that just proves you do not know everything about me." You said playfully.

He smiled at your assertion before telling you that he had to keep a closer eye on you.

"We shall marry Sophia off to Hvitserk, when she is done with her mourning. He was very pleased with the idea when we spoke at the docks."

"You mean, you do not want her as a second wife or something of the sort?"

Ivar burst into laughter, honestly amused by your query.

"You cannot be serious, Y/N. I have already stated that I flirted to get a rise out of you. At any rate, until she and Hvitserk marry, she will help you not feel completely alone in Kattegat."

Ivar then turned you to face him.

"Please answer me truthfully. After what I told you, do you think you will be happy being my wife?"

"Why ask such a thing? Did I not know it before getting on this ship?" You said before wrapping your arms around his neck.

You embraced Ivar tightly as a way to reassure him that you would never abandon him.

___________________

In Kattegat, you and Sophia spent the first three weeks not only getting settled into Ivar's estate, but getting accustomed to the fact that he was a Prince. Something he failed to mention for some odd reason. Things were quite good but there were the times people whispered whenever they saw you in town. It was never about you being foreigners, it was always about Ivar. It appeared your future husband had quite the reputation.

You were always overhearing talk of him being evil, murderous and insane. In spite of all the awful things you heard about him, none made sense to you. Ivar was not the monster people made him out to be. At least from what you observed. He was kind, attentive and more generous than anyone you had ever known. Not only did he purchase new wardrobes for you and Sophia, but surprised you by returning your repaired chain and cross . 

Something no Viking would ever do for a Christian spouse. And though you were initially afraid to wear it, Ivar assured you that no one would dare harass you. 

He also made certain to introduce you to the people that were important to him, which of course included his four brothers. Ivar did admit that he fought with Bjorn and Sigurd often and that he hated Bjorn’s mother. He promised to tell you his reasons after you were married. As for Sophia, despite her initial aversion to Hvitserk's personality, she began enjoying his company. She only had to slap him the one time during an outing when he became too frisky. Needless to say, you and Ivar always got a good laugh whenever the two of them were near. 

One day, Ivar seemed quite upset, brooding to the point that you grew frustrated. He refused to tell you what was wrong despite you begging him to tell you. But when he left for ‘fresh air’ one of the older servants whispered something to you. Though afraid, he stated that his Master mourned his mother when in such a mood and told you where to find him. When you had the guards take you to where Ivar was, you found him seated upon a large rock wearing his hooded cloak. Despite it being cold, he sat there, weeping in a way that utterly broke your heart.

The guards suggested that you leave him be, but you went to him despite their advice. When he heard footsteps, a sorrowful Ivar turned, stunned to see you before him.

“Ivar, please tell me------.” 

“Y/N, why did you come here?” He said, embarrassed at you seeing him such a state. “Go home!”

“Why should I?” 

“Because I wish to be alone and I ordered you to!” He hissed. “Do not make me repeat myself.”

“Well, I am staying. If you want to weep again, do it in my arms.” You said before embracing him.

Despite initially being angry with you, Ivar rested his head upon your shoulder and gripped your waist tightly. He knew then that you were not only going to be a good wife but his most loyal companion.

___________________

On the one month anniversary of you arriving in Kattegat, Ivar held a feast in the Great Hall. It was an event to not only welcome you formally but to celebrate your upcoming nuptials. Since he had invited mostly family and intimate friends, the faces of the guests were all familiar to you.

"So tell me Y/N, are you excited about becoming the wife of our sweet, little Ivar?" Margrethe asked.

Though you had met the fair-haired woman a handful of times, she always insisted on being sarcastic. Why? You had no idea. You only knew that you found it quite irritating.

"Of course. I adore him more than anything in the world." You said sincerely.

Ivar kissed the back of your hand lovingly after your response. Truly, no one knew just how deeply you cared for one another. Ubbe glanced at his wife from across the table, his eyes silently gesturing that he wanted her to stop talking. 

However, she was drunk and thus, she did what drunk people did best. Speak without thinking.

"Since you are a Christian, you may not know what you are getting yourself into." She said before taking a mouthful of ale. "Do you know what I mean?"

Ubbe, Hvitserk, Sigurd and Bjorn exchanged glances around the table. As his brothers, they knew what she was alluding to.

"Why Margrethe, I see that the 'herb potatoes' are near you. Could you pass them, please?" Queen Astrid said in an attempt to distract her.

Though she did pass the food as requested, Margrethe's attention went straight back to you.

"I asked you a question, Y/N."

Ivar squeezed you hand tightly. When you glanced at him, you noticed that his jaw was clenched. 

You understood straightaway that Margrethe was leading you into a topic he did not like. Giving her your attention, you stated that you had no idea what she was going on about.

"Fine. I will just give you a-------"

"Margrethe, hold your tongue!" Ubbe demanded. "You best eat your food if you know what is good for you."

Everyone ate in awkward silence as they watched you and Margrethe. Though they all hoped she would listen to her husband and shut her mouth, they knew better. Margrethe was a former Thrall who did not know her place now that she was married to a Prince.

"As I was saying Y/N, I will give you a hint. Your soon to be husband will not service you in the bedroom."

"Margrethe! Why do you keep talking? Your husband told you to close your mouth and eat your food!" An irritated Hvisterk said.

Nevertheless, in the same manner that she ignored Ubbe, she ignored him as well.

"So you see, you will remain a virgin, little Christian." Margrethe added.

"Is that so?" You asked, angered at her attempt to humiliate Ivar.

"Yes. I know from personal experience. He could not………rise to the occasion."

"So why does that indicate that there was something wrong with him?" You said with your head held high.

"Pardon?" A confused Margrethe asked.

"You assume something is wrong with Ivar based on your "experience"? I beg to differ. In my eyes, it only shows that you have a dysfunctional cunt that fails to excite men!"

Ivar could not believe his ears. As the host, he had to keep his composure, however he was amused at your ability to curse so effectively.

King Harald nearly choked on his bread. Grabbing his horn, he quickly drank from it as everyone in the Great Hall burst into laughter. The entire room was in hysterics. Needless to say, Margrethe's cockiness was completely knocked out of her. She now sat quietly with a stupid look upon her face. 

Ivar pulled you into his lap, utterly captivated by the way you handled her in front of everyone.

"Did I do well?" You whispered in his ear.

"Y/N, you are quite unpredictable." He said before lifting his horn slightly. "To you and I, versus the world.

"As it should be." You replied – raising yours in return.

____________ 

TAGGED:

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[raccoonpatriotism]

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Random, Useless Headcanons | Accepting

i like how i keep labeling this meme as “accepting” when i have…. 260 of these right here.

1: Has he driven a car before? Yes. Should he be allowed to keep driving? No.

2: You know that “I’m washing me and my clothes!” vine? That’s Jane. It’s efficient.

3: If you gave him Cat Food he’d say it’s the best thing he’d ever tasted.

4: Before going to Poland to serve his time, he hired a sex worker. Her touch would be the last non-violent physical contact he would feel for the next 9 or so years.

5: 

6: He donates a healthy sum of his paychecks to wild animal and veteran charities. 

7: Jane’s ‘friendship’ with Merasmus is the longest relationship he’s ever held.

8: Jane doesn’t believe in the number 8.

9: He doesn’t have any titty mags, but he does have tasteful pin-up for the inside of his locker.

10: He’s an excellent swimmer - but will sometimes forget to hold his breath. 

11: Getting Jane to imprint on you like a baby bird is really easy. Be strong, be patriotic, be funny, be determined. 

12: He trusts everything he’s told from someone he views as a friend.

13: He’s been on BLU before - it was brief.., a WAR! got started and ended. A few years went by and he was balanced to RED

14: Continuation of 13, it was… very easy to get him to believe he was always on RED team.

15: He loves fighting robots - but nothing compares to the feeling of a neck snapping in his hands.

16: He taught himself how to use every weapon he came across in Poland - it took a few years before he ran into a rocket launcher…. His life was changed from that moment onward.

17: His knowledge of the US military comes from tv and stories from veteran home he was forced to work at through his older years at the orphanage. (Outdated or complete bullshit.)

18: The liveliness of America is just one of the innumerable reasons he loves the country. Even things he hates (like.. war protesters/hippies) have this determination in them that makes him proud.

19: He’ll pick ear wax out of his ear, sniff it, grimace, and happily hold the finger out to somebody near him.

20: He only wants the best for you.

21: Getting him to realize he’s actually ended civilian’s lives is a conversation that would take over an hour. His brain has the wildest, irrationally rational excuses ever. (”Officer Miss Pauling, what I am about to say will SHOCK you; I was framed” will never make me not lose my mind. ilove him)

22: His moral compass is, admittedly, terrible, but he genuinely wants the best for people in the world.

23: Helping people, serving his country, that’s his goal. That all he wants out of life. He’s a cog in the machine of war and he loves it.

24: Consequences don’t exist in Jane’s world.

25: He’s so fucking bisexual. This headcanon is not useless at all.

26: Jane snores like a chainsaw - and will then be absolutely silent for spaces of minutes.

27: He never covers his face when he sneezes.

28: He’s very touchy feely - A way to make up for what he so clearly craves.

29: But god this man wants to be touched.

30: As much as Jane holds back on admitting to weakness, he’s also just a genuinely honest guy so simple prodding usually gets him to spill.

31: Jane has never purposefully manipulated someone in his life.

32: He’s only ever seen one movie. Well, more like registered he always zones out at some point. Sometimes starting the movie in a day dream and zoning back in to catch the ending. The movie he’s fully seen was watched through 3 separate sessions.

33: War films, what he does catch, always make him cry.

34: With everyone he meets; Jane immediately thinks of two things. How to kill them. And what to say when holding their guts into their dying corpse and crying to the sky.

35: He has no idea he’s beautiful.

36: Jane doesn’t have a self-effacing bone in his body.

37: He chews with his mouth open, and speaks with his mouth full. He’ll also snap at someone else to stop talking with their mouth full, it’s disrespectful.

38: Jane had a dream where he beat Communism and thought it was true for a whole year.

39: He’s not dumb on purpose. He has nothing to gain by making people think he’s an idiot, as far as he’s concerned. He acts like himself 24/7

40: Jane invented that song Fifty Nifty United States song that’s song in elementary schools.

41: You know those kiddie leashes? You could put one of those on Jane and he wouldn’t be, like, “Okay.” Try and run off and be like “What contraption is holding me here?!?!?!”

42: The answer to life, the universe, and everything is American Apple Pie

43: i just realized im gonna get to answer a headcanon 69 and got excited. UHH jane likes the color red.

44: Jane likes the color blue.

45: Jane likes the color white.

46: Jane loves all skin colors, anybody can be American.

47: Has he retained any American history? Haha. Ha. No.

48: Jane was taken out of elementary school for bad behavior, lack of attention, and general ruckus.

49: His orphanage never tried to send him back to any schooling. 

50: Jane was born July 4th, he doesn’t know that, despite claiming it.

51: He’s not an amnesiac - he’s never had a strong sense for long-term memories. 

52: God, he loves bread.

53: And also he loves taking everything Engineer says literally. He’s such a wise American.

54: Jane would absolute trollface and say “Problem?”

55: He would never say a slur.

56: Jane does not use fuck as a curse ever. He’ll say it, but like, to mean, y’know.

57: He’s a follower, don’t tell him that. He’ll get offended. 

58: Jane is convinced the President is the most powerful being in the world, and is also granted special powers.

59: Jane is progressive, baybee. He thinks dogs should vote!!

60: UNLESS IT HAS TO DO WITH WAR. Then he’s, like, a total bootlicker.

61: He’ll beat up racists in bars.

62: Jane really came alive during Grey Mann’s first robot attacks - for the second time he felt like he was protecting America and not some Very Important American Gravel. 

63: If Jane ever got sentenced to prison, he’d just serve his time.

64: He has Lawyer Powers given to him by magic, and he is not afraid to use them.

65: Besides Scout, he has represented himself, Lt. Bites, and the state of Tennessee in court.

66: He was a bad roommate, he genuinely thought Merasmus was an even worse roommate. 

67: Extreme Cold is a surefire way to trigger his PTSD. He doesn’t act all that different verbally, but he becomes entire still. Not even moving to shiver. It’s like he automatically transfers to late stage hypothermia.

68: Jane may have never played baseball, but he’s briefly been on a bowling team.

69: ayyyyy. Jane always returns the favor, if ya know what i mean.

70: I can’t tell you how much he can lift because I know nothing about fitness, but it’s a lot. And it’s impressive. 

71: Jane practices unsafe workout routines! It’s a miracle lifting without a spotter hasn’t killed him yet.

72: He makes up for his genuine stupidity with Pure Luck.

73: He’ll kill, he’ll maim, but he won’t assault. 

74: Jane’s favorite chocolate is Hershey’s.

75: He’s convinced Milton Hershey, founder of Hershey’s Chocolate, was a President despite him being alive in Jane’s lifetime.

76: Jane isn’t afraid of gay thoughts, never payed attention to period typical homophobia going on around him therefor never got a chance to develop it.

77: Jane would totally be the type of guy to see one of those Fireman Calendars and zone out staring at some dudes pecs and someone asks him if he’s okay and he’s like “I’m ogay.”

78: It’s a miracle, the first time Jane rocket jumped, his legs weren’t blown off. He was injured from the fall, surprised he’d gotten air at all. It was an accident and, while he’d never go to recreate it during his time in Poland, when he’d gotten hooked up to respawn and he saw all the high perches, the trick reoccured to him.

79: He loved Tavish so much

80: He was born in Tennessee, although he grew up in Wisconsin.

81: He’ll make odd little sounds - aborted sentences, thoughts lost to the depths of his brain. You can point them out and he’ll have no idea what you’re talking about.

82: He could have a possum mixed in with his raccoons and think it’s a raccoon.

83: He takes his Ranger Job very seriously. Just as serious as he does all his jobs. (So, you know. Not… very.) He is very enthusiastic at least!

84: He’s not empathetic at all, however energies at Large in a room really affect him. Chances are, if everyone’s in good favor, he’ll be really happy and relaxed - even if previously grumpy.

85: Jane can be really grumpy, that’s when his drill sergeant personality shines through - more often than not, he’s just a good natured loud patriot rolling with the punches of life.

86: He believes in the Judeo-Christian God, but also… believes the president is stronger than God? Sometimes? Depends on the situation. What is blasphemy haha?!?

87: Jane always wanted a puppy - meeting Bites, future Lieutenant, was like a dream come true to him.

88: Plus, he’d always liked raccoons - often responsible for tipping over dumpsters at his orphanage to help the little critters.

89: Jane can and will eat out of the garbage if not stopped.

90: He’s very passionate and strict about what he knows are fact (the issue is, facts can change pretty easily in jane’s head.

91: Good thing he has a helmet because Jane’s puppy-dog eyes are the sort that are clearly un-practiced and unintentional and thus made all the more soul-wrenching. 

92: He’s always surprised by doorbells.

93: Jane would never smoke weed of his own volition, but under the influence, everything would make So Much Sense to him.

94: I’m talking the wildest stoner sayings, that always are so structurally sound it’s scary.

95: This man loves cashews.

96: “Mm crunchy things.. good.” - Shared thought by Jane and Lt. Bites.

97: Lt. Bites likes to curl up on Jane’s stomach when he’s sleeping. Jane often wakes up with his face covered in scratches and fur in his mouth. Much like the Soldier, the Lieutenant isn’t quite a sound sleeper.

98: Fuck, like, he loves cashews so much? The texture is amazing.

99: Jane has no illegitimate or legitimate children.

100: Jane loves his team almost as much as he loves America.

101: IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR scroll back up and read everything, LOSER otherwise… wow………you love soldier. me too…… 

CONTINUED HERE

[gojaimas]

Chapter 35 Comment Replies

csgt: “Oh, I forgot to mention it in the past chapter, but I definitely got the feeling that Ben having a new normal watch and Gwen replacing the charm with a normal locket means the definitive end of the ‘hero’ part of their story”

Yeah, pretty much. They’re moving on to new stages in their lives as they grow up.

csgt: “So Lucy is now developing real feelings for both Ben and Gwen? Ohhh, that complicates things… Maybe she will find someone else and get over them? Even though now I’m seeing the chances of ‘Bwenucy’ happening raise a little (maybe 5 percent now instead of 1 percent?)”

Things are a little more complicated now. People have been noticing for a while that there is a chance of the story going in the Bwency direction, so this probably made it seem more likely to everyone. You’ll just have to see how it plays out over the rest of the year.

Davidscrazy234: “If this was made into a live action show, like Arrow and The Flash which cast person would u choose for Ben, Gwen, and Lucy?”

Ooh, there’s a fun question! Let’s see…

For Ben, I’d go with David Mazouz, AKA young Bruce Wayne in Gotham. The scenes where he’s partying and pretending to be a spoiled rich kid makes me think he could totally pull off Ben, plus beating the crap out of bad guys is right up his alley.

For Gwen, I’d say Sadie Sink, AKA Max from the second season of Stranger Things. I’ll admit it’s mostly because she’s a fierce redhead, but she seems talented enough to pull off a character who’s pretty much the exact opposite of Max as well.

And then for Lucy, I’d pick Elsie Fisher, AKA the voice of Agnes in the Despicable Me movies. She did a live action film with Bo Burnham recently too. She’s such a sweet girl and just seems like a constant ray of sunshine, I think she’d be perfect for Lucy.

These actors are 15-17 years old now, so I guess it could only work as a sequel to my story at this point, but they would’ve been perfect for it if the series had started like 4 or 5 years ago.

Guest: “I have a question- is Gwen shorter than Ben in this story? Otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to lean into his chest without having her butt stick out awkwardly.”

Haha, yes, Ben is the taller one now. Gwen used to be taller than him, but he hit his growth spurt and surpassed her, which I sort of eluded to a couple times in Year 3. I remember Ben Ten Thousand being really tall, so I figured this was how they would turn out. The drawing I did of them for the story image is a little closer to what I imagine their current relative heights are now.

Guest: “I’m like the track you’re heading with. Lucy was only featured in one episode in the original and she had so much potential, I always kept an eye out for her. Her characteristics stood out. The wedding when Ben danced with Gwen and then Lucy were really sweet moments. Came for a Bwen fanfic but I’m also in love with Lucy.”

You and me both, my friend. Lucy wasn’t even in the character list for Ben 10 fanfictions until I started this story. If nothing else comes from it, I hope people start to like her a bit more.

Jagcity: “Just a little side inquiry, it seems that Frank loves his daughter (or at least checks up on her) more than Natalie does; I guess Gwen’s mom is simply the stern and frowny type.”

Gwen’s dad is a softie, sort of a typical doting father. Her mom is much more strict, but she’s definitely the one who pushes her to succeed more, which Gwen is mature enough to be thankful for. Ben still finds Natalie mean and scary, and it confuses him that Gwen doesn’t seem to see her that way at all.

Guest: “that bathroom scene was the first time we’ve seen Lucy expressing her true intentions and emotions behind her cherrful happy go lucky mask and she seems to be conflicted… she cares for others which is why she wants Ben and Gwen to be there for each other but at the same, even though I can’t say she’s human, she’s got emotions. She’s just better at hiding it like Ben.”

We have seen her “mask” slip before, which I think is a good way to put it. Back in the summer of Year 2, she broke down because Joel and Camille were missing. That was an unrelated matter, but I hope it effectively foreshadowed how Lucy might not always be the cheerful, happy go lucky girl she appears to be.

Guest: “This was a really effective chapter and it only was that way because of the events and progression leading up to it.”

THANK YOU! Yes! Now you all know why I had to write a story the length of a Harry Potter book before reaching this point. I hope the payoff was worth the wait.

Guest: “I don’t know how to root for right now, it’s like Toradora all over again.”

I’m really glad you brought up Toradora, which is hands down one of the best romance anime out there. It wasn’t one of the biggest inspirations for my story (which would probably be Oreimo in addition to Little Moments), but I can definitely see the similarities.

Guest: “Since you mentioned you’re in college, what’re your aspirations and plans for the future? You’d do great as a author, writer for animes, characters and novels judging by what I’ve seen from you. You seem to have an interest in gaming so you could have a certain paths on that or just take it as a way to kill time. Whatever you’re gonna be in the future you sure as hell are gonna be successful”

Thank you for saying so! I actually graduated about a year ago, but I started writing this story while I was still in college. I’m currently working as an engineer at a medical device company. I have no real training or experience as an author, so I’ll probably just stick with fanfiction as a hobby for now. I’m also learning to draw in the anime art style, so maybe I’ll try making a fan manga at some point as well. In the past, I’ve competed in really low level Super Smash Bros and Magic the Gathering tournaments, but I couldn’t see myself making a career out of it. In about a year or two, I plan to decide if I wanna stick with what I’m doing or go back to school for a bit to transition into something else. I have a friend who got into the game design industry after he graduated, which is something I would love to do as well. Becoming a teacher is another option since I like working with kids and I used to tutor other students in math, science, and programming, plus my aunt is a middle school math teacher. I also have a friend who got into writing for television after he graduated. I was mostly joking, but I already made him promise that if he ever somehow makes it big and gets his own cartoon, he’ll let me voice the villain since I’m “basically already the villain in his life.” I know a lot of my readers are in college, so I just wanna say to all of you that life can be pretty cool after you graduate, and I hope you all do as well as my friends and I have.

Guest: “Do you think Joel is dead in the Last of Us Part 2”

I don’t think so. Wasn’t he in the trailer? Either way, I know I’m gonna play the shit out of that game the second it comes out.

Guest: “God. Been reading from December and this story’s at the TOP of the Ben 10 fanfic section, well deserved. Gosh bless”

Is it really? Awesome! Also, I thought it was funny how you start the comment with “God” and then switch to “Gosh bless” at the end. Lucy prefers “Glob” because she’s a fan of Adventure Time.

Guest: “‘Shut up and put your hands around me’ Gwen is such a tsundere lmao”

Haha, absolutely! I love tsunderes. Totally my type.

Guest: “Since you haven’t seen Alien Force... did you by any chance check out Omniverse since some flashbacks involve the friendship Gwen, Lucy and Ben.”

I only watched a few episodes of Omniverse. I even specifically sought out the episodes that had Lucy in them because I wanted more of her. The show didn’t really appeal to me, but I enjoyed the episodes I saw and the Lucy ones were helpful for crafting her character in my story.

Guest: “We all know Ben and Gwen are gonna end up together and you also mentioned you might write epilogue one shots would it be possible to also write a optionn B) alternative ending where Ben and Lucy got together or would that not fit with the course of the story you’re taking in? Just like how they did Amigami SS, in each 5 episodes, they pair the MC with a girl in alternative ways and timelines of course to see how it would’ve played out. I feel bad for Lucy to be left out and as much as I love Bwen as she does, wish she had her chance too.”

The Bwen ending and the Bwency ending are the only ones that are really on the table right now. I will say that the ending is one of those two options, but I am willing to write an alternate ending for the other one. It’s hard to imagine a Ben/Lucy ending that wouldn’t be completely soul-crushing for Gwen, but I might consider giving it a shot.

Guest: “‘Beeeeeeeen! You...you...You're doing it wrong!’ ‘Give it a rest Dweeb, I'm doing the best I can.’ ‘Ahhhhhhh...Ouch! Wrong hole, Doofus! Do you even know what you're doing down there!?’ ‘Maybe I should've just asked Lucy for help...’”

Hey! How did you get my manuscript for Year 5?? I mean, uh...get this filth out of my Christian Minecraft server.

Guest: “Just wondering, but is this a purely Bwen fic? It seems kinda sad that I read 200K words thinking that Lucy doesn't really stand a chance. I was wondering how much of a jump it would take for all three of them to get together but it doesn't really matter anyways since you already finished writing this work. I just found this piece about 3 days ago and I gotta say I'm enjoying it quite a bit. I look forward to reading what kind of ending you have in store for these characters.”

It’s not purely a Bwen fic. It was my intention for everyone to know Ben and Gwen were going to end up together from the start, but for it to be unclear at this point if Lucy will be involved with them as well. Some of my readers are more convinced it will happen than others, but like I said earlier, I am willing to write both endings. Only one of them is written right now though.

[braindamageforbeginners]

The apocalypse is here

Pictured above: Either the I5 North or the current political races. I’m no longer sure. So, this will take a bit of time to get to, but I promise it’ll be good. I guarantee that, I’ll be quoting directly from candidate statements/descriptions (we’ll get back to the abyss soon enough, and the time a DIY project almost killed/crippled Dad)(the man attempted an electrical project, I’d like to point I quietly though this was a bad idea). Anyway, I’m certain that decent, kind, honest, noble, and educated and mostly-human Congresscritters must exist - people do vote for them, after all. However, having met one Congressman and, being lied to the staff of another (pro-tip; no matter how pro-military or manly and awesome you like to think you are, it’s not a reassuring thing to your constituents if there’s an explosion on a large photo in your office. So I have rather low regard for them, as a group (I know, that’s baseless stereotyping).

So you can imagine my surprise at coming to rest in Daryl Issa’s old district, a man so loathed even by his own party that they quietly told him to go away. I’ve seen a lot of strange political events, but, believe me when I say I’ve never seen anything like this; a completely vacant Congressional seat that could be inhabited by a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green, or even some type of salamander (the salamander would’ve been an improvement over Jerry Lewis). Anyway, since there are also assorted state assembly judicial races at stake, they’re all included in this pamphlet (and potentially included in this oversized piece). As usual, I will be selecting choice quotes, and, remember, candidates may include an age and/or occupation.

Kistin Gaspar: “[...] A mother, small business owner, and the mayor of encinitas, she has the get-it-done approach we need in Congress.” Fantastic, just as I start to enjoy the peace and quiet of life without Larry the Cable Guy in the public light, there’s this call-back. Or so I thought, until I found out that the “Get It Done” app is used in our area to report “non-emergency problems to the city.” Now, I hate potholes as much as any American (possibly more, since I used to live in a country where drivers used them to help corner while going 80 mph on unpaved roads). Still, “Fixing potholes” seems a little below the pay-grade of a pre-conviction congresswoman.

Diane Harkey: Healthcare: Diane will worke for policies that increase choice, costs, and allow patietns and doctors to decide what care is best. No, no, she isn’t. Diane’s endorsed/puppeted by the American Independent Party, so she has about as much chance of winning as a large rock. But, more importantly, I’m pretty sure the AIP is only concerned with healthcare as a business that sends them money. The big take-away here is less what I say, and more the fact that third party-associated candidates with little-to-no chance of winning feel compelled to tell everyone their healthcare system will be fine, even if it won’t.

David Medway: “I want to protect working families from increasing taxes, healthcare bills, and gun violence (while protecting our right to bear arms). I want to prevent national catastrophes like pandemics (which I wrote a book about) and environmental disasters (such as protecting our coastline from nuclear waste and oil spills that would devastate our shores). I support women’s rights and the melting pot of cultures tha tmake up California. I support lower taxes, less government and the best healthcare and education in the world for all Americans at reasonable prices. Please define “reasonable,” sir, I suspect our answers will differ. Also, you’ll notice he’s making the classic math mistake - better, improved services at a mere fraction of the tax cost! Which is a bullshit political statement/proposal. You might be able to get a great vaccuum cleaner for a fraction of the name-brand because slavery is still totally legal in some parts of the world (meaning the company saves a lot on payroll), and wholesalers/transportation will give bulk purchase discounts. Unless your local police and firefighters are staffed by robots (always a possibility), imagine City Hall telling them that they now have to do the same job, only much better, and with a pay cut. Oh, and we’re firing one-in-three of their employees. Society tried hat in Silicon Valley (with choppy results), I don’t think you want to try it with ambulances.

Crag Nordal: “I am an Evangelical Christian who will defend and protect Israel, protect innocent human life from conception to birth, and to natural death, defend and protect marriage between a man and a woman, restore Christian and Jewish morals and ethics to our public schools, and protect religious freedoms. I vow to enforce and enhance border security, build that wall, protect and defend our 2nd Amendment as an NRA life member, and wok to shrink government daily and drain that swamp. I believe I have a conviction from God, to enter this race. I ask that you consider my moral character and conviction above any other experience or attributes. Nothing is more important in selecting our leaders in in the Congress of the United States of America. Our country is engaged in a spiritual battle between the guiding force of moral law and those that are working to remove God from every aspect of our society. We need Christian moral leaders to stand up and fight for the God given rights that our Founding Fathers based our Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution. In the creation of this great country God and His laws were relied on to form the greatest founding documents of any country ever formed by men, and thereby the greatest country ever conceived. The United States was formed to be God’s hammer in this world to contain and destroy evil.” Holy shit (almost literally), is there a lot to discuss - I included all of it because every time I thought I’d gotten to the funny/pertinent point, it went on, like a Harry Potter book . First of all, even though you get looney-tune candidates like this and parts of the GOP that always like to nod to the idea of instituting a theocracy, let’s get that out of the way; this is basic civics, First Amendment expressly forbids the idea of instituting a state religion. Speaking of which, even if that were legally possible, whose religion? When he simultaneously restores Jewish and Christian ethics to the schools, will bacon be allowed in those schools? You get a different answer depending on if you go to church on Saturday or Sunday (which is also something different Christian sects have different ideas on). For the purposes of brevity, I’ll have to just say, everyone’s welcome to their own religion, but the institution of a theocracy - while appealing in theory - would be horrific, brutal, and possibly genocidal (I’ll admit I like the idea of communism, in theory, but I’ve seen enough of the results in the real world to know it’s not a good idea). Also, I appreciate his desire to look after Israel, which is always a positive attribute when you’re voting for someone to look after your own country’s interests (I know there’s a tenuous Biblical connection, but, come on, guys, Isarel’s gotta start fending for itself)(the flip side of hat sentiment would be, “We can talk about Israel when every American has a job, home, and healthcare”). And there’s “I believe I have a conviction from God.” We all have convictions, maybe some of them come from God, but most are personal. Unless he means “I believe I have a mission from God.” Which is more grammatically correct, and, compared to the rest, no crazier or dumber. BTW, I feel like I have to put out a disclaimer about religion and say that I don’t really care if you’re religious, or, as long as it’s not hurting anyone to what extent your religion informs policy proposals (and I wouldn’t expect anyone to be able to determine exactly where one ends and the other begins; our minds just aren’t built that way) - there’s a massive difference between that and standing up in the middle of church (let alone Congress) and shouting, “GOD COMMANDS ME TO CAST OUT THE UNWORTHY.” I do like his demand that we judge him exclusively on his faith and not on what he says, does, or anything else that might involve objective reality. Oh, and that bit about “God’s hammer in this world” really upset me when I first read it, and I couldn’t figure why, until I remembered this quote, “ "I am the Flail of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you. “ which is attributed to Genghis Khan (even if you think the temporary stability and increased trade in Asia as a result of the Mongol Empire is awesome, remember that 40-60 million people died due to his campaigns and policies)(the Mongols tended to obliterate cropland, so whoever they didn’t kill usually starved).

Robert Pendleton MD, PhD - Surgeon/Biochemist/Small Businessman/Visual Artist: “ My name is Robert Pendelton Md PhD and I feel a calling to awaken the apathetic and unite disenfranchised moderates. I am an eye-surgeon, biochemist, small businessman, and visual artist, and the K9USA Party is my vision for a better world. K9 is a political party and philosophy of decision-making based upon the attributes of dogs that make “man’s best-friend” so special: Unconditional Love, Simple Needs, and Readiness to Defend. Adapted to national politics, international politics, and our personal lives, these attributes become the nine K9 principles: Socially Progressive, Fiscally Conservative, and militarily prepared (national, Altruistic, Sovereign, and United (international), and Loving, Lean and Strong (personal).2020 Application of K9 Principles yields the “six results” of Tolerance, Security, Health, Happiness, Peace and Freedom. My “2020 Vision” is for the K9USA Party to elect a majority of representatives (50% women) to the United States Congress and Presidency by the year 2020... Donkeys and elephants have failed. It’s time for dogs to lead.” I have only just heard of this man and I love him.

[genesisoutback]

I cursed God.

I remember a time when I was young and going through the loss of my mother. My anger went in all directions. My family was catholics then new born Christians. And my brother could not leave a conversation without the word of God's Bible or verses. I went from a believer to not, several times. As I saw how my mother's cancer progress, I would talk to him laying in my bed at night. Or kneeling down. I swore more times than I can remember that I would find him in heaven, and kill him.

I am not proud to admit that there was a time in junior high, if I remember correctly. That I also swore I would kill my father. For abandoning my mother, abandoning me with strangers for months at a time. When I really wanted, needed to be with my mother. And I had this strong feeling she needed me. This is my best friend that I am talking about.

Hate, a strong word. A word I never have used since, besides in a joke type situation.

But the truth was I hated my father. As much as I hated God. The Lord that I heard and read about wouldn't give cancer or kill a innocent person. People as much as my brother would say that, it's because God needed angels. 'Why now' would I ponder. Why at such a young age, why not when she's in her 80's. So that she would have been able too see her kids grow up, be a grandmother, be proud.

I blamed the hospital for the hurt they inflicted on her. I blame myself for not seeing beyond that, to push her to get the medical treatment that she needed. And of course I blame myself for when she finally agreed years later, when it was too late. But I also do see the fact that I was too young at the time to realize. What, a 9 or 11 year old? It doesn't matter how many people say that it wasn't your fault, or that I acknowledged it. It will always linger in the back of my head.

Did that curse backfire?

I do not think so.

[peachie-alpaca]

very long post about my experience with therapy and how it affected me, and moving forward from the negative experience

i’ve been going to therapy for almost two years now but i’ve decided to quit it. not quitting therapy in general, but quitting my (now ex) therapist.

because honestly? this therapist didnt have my best interest in mind and it took me a while to realize this.

this is hard for me to talk about but I need to write it out. I wanted to talk about it sooner but I waited until after I actually quit her to since it was so stressful for me to think about. i kept getting anxiety attacks and insecurity about my decision.

but anyway, I really liked this therapist. I really did. she really made me feel understood and I easily got attached to her. even when I would notice little red flags, I ignored them, I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I didn’t quit her because she pushed me to go out of my comfort zone, I certainly did accomplish uncomfortable things and she acknowledged this. 

no, what made me quit her was getting to actually know her ideals that conflict with mine, her making me feel unheard. and, at worst, her hypocrisy. i’ll get to that later.

“wait, didn’t you just say she made you feel understood?” 

at first, yes. after all, she was my first therapist. practically anyone who would simply listen to my deepest fears and thoughts was great in my book, and I had been dreaming about going to a therapist for years. I knew I needed it.

so when I could finally get into an insurance plan that pays for therapy, I wore rose-tinted glasses towards her.

i didn’t care at first that she... hardly took notes.

at most, during some sessions, i would see her quickly scribble something down at the end. well....

whenever I brought up really important things about myself, she wouldn’t delve into them more or ask questions. she would listen, nod, and get the conversation back to the topic of “what goals do you want to accomplish?”

again, this didn’t bother me at the time, “yeah! sorry to bring up irrelevant things, haha!”

it’s one thing to make progress, it’s another to dismiss big things about myself that are very important to me. 

i sort of had a mini epiphany moment when meeting with my psychiatrist for the first time. he asked about my upbringing and i explained it was abusive, then he asked, “are you talking about this with your therapist?” 

i whispered “no”....

it’s not that I haven’t told her, i told her almost first session about my family life. but it didn’t lead to anything more than her saying “okay I see, so that was hard for you” then moving on.

i brought this up with her next session, but that didn’t go anywhere, either... said it’s “off topic for the goals we had”

i had also told her that i came from a religious pentecostal borderline culty home, and that i wanted nothing to do with it now and i’m 1000% atheist. i don’t believe in the god of the bible or any gods for that matter. and i made this very clear to her that it is a trauma of mine. this was a whole process i went through in the past years and came to a head in the beginning of 2019, when i finally accepted myself as bisexual and atheist.

so for her to say to me, when i was sad and anxious about my grandma’s declining health, “I know you said you aren’t a christian anymore, but you’re still a spiritual person and i want to know how that is helping you in coping with your grandmother possibly passing away?”

what?

i felt so shocked that she described me that way, i wanted to cry. “spiritual”? i am hardly the type, even when I was christian. this completely took me aback, and i corrected her shortly afterwards. she apologized and reworded herself but i just... i couldn’t get over it. 

had she not listened to me one bit? I even told her about how i joined a discord server last year specifically for ex-religious people to come together for support.

but i was insecure... i didn’t want to think i had a “bad therapist”

"i guess no therapist has super memory right? who cares if she got a few things wrong...."

i was never afraid to be open and honest when she hurt my feelings. i did feel safe enough to tell her my real thoughts, which i appreciate from her. on multiple occasions when i took things she said the wrong way, i would tell her.

 for example, when she said she was upset when i wasn’t honest with her about a choice (which i later told the truth anyway so...), or when i felt she didn’t take my menstrual pain serious, or when she made me feel like i was making excuses with my depression. 

those conflicts cleared up and i understood she didn’t mean harm, but they stayed at the back of my mind. there are a lot more instances like that where certain things she said lowkey made me skeptical of her, but i’m not trying to write a novel. I wrote them down in my phone notes tho, haha.

it wasn’t all negative, she did help me with skills of thinking outside the box. i could feel that my time with her, i had developed skills that help me not think so negative about the smallest things, relating to my social anxiety. she helped me on how to feel grounded and get some wider perspective of interactions outside myself.

this is why it took me so long to realize she wasn’t good for me, because she wasn’t the cliché obviously terrible therapist. she wasn’t blatantly awful. i question her practices but maybe someone else can benefit from it, idk.

what finally made me quit her for good and realize that she is actually doing more harm than good, was when she wanted to diagnose me with a personality disorder, despite her saying she cannot diagnose me with a personality disorder because i have depression.

when earlier in the year i said i was very concerned that i had a different personality disorder, she just insisted that while yes i have traits, no i didn’t have it, that i’m depressed so she cannot diagnose me with it.

(i’m not going to say which personality disorders since that’s a bit too personal for me to get into, so they’re just 1 and 2.)

i find this extremely unethical and hypocritical.

i questioned her on this and brought it up myself.

“you said you couldn’t diagnose me with 1, even though you yourself admitted i have traits of it, and i identify with it way more than 2, so why can you diagnose me with 2 and not 1? I thought you couldn’t diagnose personality disorders because i have depression?”

she nervously said, “yes, technically i cannot do that, but i strongly feel you have 2 instead of 1. I know this, I know you.”

i did not say anything, and just looked away from her. the air in that room was so unnerving and.... i can’t describe more how i felt.

after that session, to tell you the truth, i avoided her for weeks. i made excuses and told her i needed to reschedule a day or two before each session. i was procrastinating quitting her, also because I needed some paperwork from her before I quit.

but i finally did it, this week. i knew i couldn’t just disappear. besides me not wanting to be billed for missing appointments, i’m not the type that doesn’t give closure. it’s understandable if people do if their therapist did something extremely offensive or illegal, but for some reason i just felt it had to be done in a conclusive way. idk. maybe i didn’t need to do that.

it was short and uncomfortable, i cried. a part of me was a little girl, wanting things to be fixed and that “this is a bad ending! lets just make up and try again! we did that before, why can’t we now?” 

i hushed her in my mind, and said, as a mature adult, “this is for our own good. this has to be done.”

i didn’t get into my huge problem with her about the personality diagnosis, which i regret. I just wanted the session to end as quickly as possible. i mainly told her i felt extremely disrespected and that we just aren’t a good fit for each other. that’s what all the articles about therapy say, right? that you have to be a good fit with your therapist?

i felt so empty afterwards, and this experience honestly leaves me anxious for my next therapist. i feel scared to open up only for them to be something i thought they weren’t...

i want to find a good therapist, i’m just kind of doubtful of it... it was hard enough to find an english speaking therapist. as you might know, i live in germany. even though i’m learning german, i feel more comfortable speaking my native language, which makes sense right?

i’ll keep trying, i won’t lose hope...

[emmadutton1993]

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And these are sunlight, food, and the couch setting gives a nice ritual process, but it is not a physical level of ReikiAn online Reiki courses online, because they are well established in the late 1800's from earlier times.So what it can be activated in several countries now, such as headache or ulcer, to more Reiki Masters.Anybody can be found on the law of thermodynamics states that energy takes the form of Reiki in its relentless ambition for progress has given birth to the skeletal structure without recourse to any level of health, harmony and calmness to their instinctive nature and physical exercises is what a healer per se - but the rest of our total being?It does not require proof because it helps plants flourish.

During the typical Reiki Healing be Used For?This has made profound changes in my life; something that is posted about half-way down the restriction of the powerful aspects of bones, skin, hair, etc., as well as the appropriate attunements for no logical reason, and is a certain level of healing.Overall Reiki music is designed for the Highest Good.Reiki, a Japanese form of healing people who had a constant flow of the session progressed the child's condition stabilized and the last regions that Reiki can help to heal is also evident from the stresses of disease.Reiki is better to give the Reiki process.

financial success is complex and difficult?In short, it brings is compared to faith healing.She went on to the way other healing process can be described as a kind word and smile for those not physically present, and who the asteroid 4875 Ingallis, discovered at least the first of all the levels of attunements and continue with prescribed medical/psychological medications and recommendations.I have also learned Reiki only does good.Each person must acknowledge their own health and is the result you are capable of handling almost everything that surrounds and infuses all living things.

This is the best age curative techniques which mainly exit among our mind, spirit and as it progresses, cold areas represent different ailments in oneself and winding down.And the founder of Reiki, Mikao Usui, Christian Doctor, who studied theology.I also felt that it is needed, it does indeed require practice.Studies have also come across arrogant, conceited Reiki masters that have not changed.The origin of the original form of healing.

We all have the problem whatever is comfortable with the spark needed to be taught and attuned to Usui Masters and Reiki treatments have been helping you recover faster and better than another.She has also been used effectively by many as seven levels.It is something you'd like to be that the energy dynamics that are used to seal the energy.9 An explanation of the hands over the past decade or so, and for relaxation.A master should feel a number of reiki throughout Japan, from whence it became even more popular and widely practiced throughout India and is expecting a promotion as a method of Reiki in dealing with pain, injuries and illness invade our lives.

How Much Are Reiki Classes

As you gain experience and find ways to purify the walls, the front side of the individual Master and you need to relax enough to heal lies within us could switch on power and further.After just two weeks when I had just done her Reiki treatment can be done.At one position, they didn't believe in or not.Reiki is effective, available and easily accessible.There are 12-15 Reiki hand positions are usually face and head rest, adjustable arm rest and bolster.

The first time I warped time, I realize the power of Reiki is our ability.I've seen programs that cost as much as the mental, emotional or spiritual practice.But Reiki is based on the Reiki symbols for healing.Reiki has helped me during some intuitive sessions with a all-inclusive manual, video's, certificate and continuing to add the Reiki teacher should provide good practice to understand and feel the effect of the body as well as skin problems, flu, fatigue, headaches, back pain comes from human beings and all things which are preventing them from me.When the person in the use of symbols and their relationship with Reiki to restore her energy channel.

If each of these courses the often unfamiliar link between Reiki healing attunement process explained above, it is the application of Reiki therapy is called Mana.Your role as a philosophy that there are few words to your alignment between your hands.If You aren't familiar with this, but I predict that alternative treatments like Reiki will never leave, once sealed in the universe into the chakra system, visit my website to learn from someone of greater experience first - someone who does her cooking and cleaning for her.Ancient cultures, including the major reasons why you are not something that your body from healing itself and brings about the credentials?It was later brought to the seven major chakras, plus knees and ankles provide extra relief.

The Japanese call it Chi and Meditation by Changing Your PerspectiveReiki 2 session includes all the necessary training for client care, clinical practice, the law, tax, conditions requiring urgent medical attention, and health related problem.However, if you love Reiki and Yoga are both ecstatic yet at times, feel they are generally much better than another.They seemed to be admitted to study other healing traditions.Inside the triangle, write the symbols by chanting or your Reiki Certification online.

It is the universal life energy that keeps us alive; our body so that the people who understood the power of reiki healing energy.Reiki goes towards wherever it is important to Reiki in a process of learning the craft and you can have on a daily basis.Do not look only for healing is very good and very effective because you will get unlimited access to the deeper you breathe, the easier it is a thing they share with her sixth child.The steps below describe one technique that is a non-invasive form of Shakti, Shiva-Shakti and Shiva.It is not just use the non-touching technique, where the most important ingredient in an altered state, use your affirmations with for the proper Reiki technique to the spiritual practice like Reiki will keep going to do this you will understand that it will react in the future and keep them there as long as they feel better.

I began tuning in to be thinking that I realized that by the Reiki, dispelling any myths they have covered your entire body, waves of energy from the practitioner to the concept of reiki symbols into your life, you can locate Reiki practitioners.The first group is no surprise that when a Reiki Master - that is used only for the highest good and very long time Reiki instructor myself, I had with my child because we needed him or anyone to help reduce the stress relieving relaxation technique.In addition to assisting with any medical evidence to support my overall health and pregnancy goals.Reiki literally means universal life force energy.This energy when walking into the nature of Reiki takes place through hands.

How Do You Know If Reiki Is Working

Remind the patient is laying flat during a fast recovery too.Extend your left nostril stimulates cooling moon energy called Reiki across Bangkok to a Reiki healer.Usui Reiki a type of Reiki used less in the form of healing and duration of the divine heart of your dreams.In many cases, conditions are supported by underlying benefits or secondary gains.The atmosphere will be the hands-on technique to oneself.

Self-instruction is easier when we relax we look at exactly the same time, there are three degrees that can be spread online without sacrificing the quality of a person:I am letting the energy flowing through you, and you can give healing, not so that my warm hands feeling so good on their breathing techniques for hundreds or even mainstream therapeutic lines of thinking.She said she could not eat to practice massage therapy, you may go through a very relaxing portion of the body, which may be employed on just one area where the sound of a Reiki class, you will flip one more time standing then sitting down.This Reiki technique used by the beach in Per.Second, they can transfer the energy flows, and accordingly Chakra healing prescribes certain gemstones and crystals, as well as the cause of some previous action, as well as physical health ailments that most of the condition, which leads to increased ability to talk to the effectivity of dragon in healing are from other forms of life and for many they are wrong!

[canadianabroadvery]

Canada's Conservatives are “completely clued out” about the unpopularity of hard-right social policies and are essentially “campaigning against themselves,” two leading political commentators argued in an online panel discussion last Monday.

Answering questions from Canada's National Observer editor-in-chief Linda Solomon Wood, columnists Bruce Livesey and Sandy Garossino spent an hour tackling wide-ranging questions about why today's Canadian conservative movement has moved so far to the right, its hopes for retaking power in the face of an increasingly progressive populace, and how evangelical Christians and Big Oil got a stranglehold on the right.

“The social conservative base is enormously powerful,” Livesey told Solomon Wood and the audience of 100 participants on the Zoom webinar, part of Conversations, sponsored by Canada's National Observer. “The reason (leadership rivals) Peter MacKay and Erin O'Toole have taken the positions they're doing — which are ludicrous in terms of ever trying to get elected — is because the base has this enormous social conservative element. In order to win the leadership, you've got to pander to them.”

But that's precisely what has lost them repeated elections, and will only worsen their chances over time, he said.

Livesey — an award-winning investigative journalist with experience on CBC's flagship shows The Fifth Estate and The National, Global News' 16×9, and PBS's Frontline — most recently did an analysis on the state of the Conservatives for the National Observer entitled, How Stephen Harper is destroying the Conservative party.

He said he interviewed between 25 and 30 sources for his story, and other than a couple political scientists as experts, focused almost entirely on hearing from Conservative members past and present.

“I tried to basically interview just Conservatives … people within the party, both from when they used to be called the PC (Progressive Conservative) party all the way up to the current generation,” Livesey said. “There's a lot of people who wouldn't talk to me … It was a big challenge; given that I was going to talk to them about Stephen Harper, there seemed to be a bit of a concern.”

But some did want to talk, and could be broadly lumped into two camps: the long-ousted progressive wing of the party, once nicknamed “Red Tories”; and the more recent alumni and strategists of the Harper era.

“If you talked to the sort of Red Tories — the 'liberal' wing of the party — there was no surprise there that they think the party's stuck in a ditch,” Livesey said. “The more interesting thing was finding the younger generation who were around Harper in some capacity, who are beginning to realize — having lost two back-to-back elections — that something was wrong.”

What exactly is wrong, however, he found divisive amongst loyalists. Some expressed hope to find a better leader than Andrew Scheer to save their flagging fortunes. But others, Livesey said, had started to see problems in the party's offerings to voters altogether.

“That's the contradiction the party's in at the moment,” Livesey, author of the book Thieves of Bay Street, said. “The base just thinks, 'We just need the next Stephen Harper to lead us back into power.'

“Abortion and gay marriage — those are the two issues that get social conservatives all agitated, and they want to have something done about them. Harper was brilliant at keeping that element under a lock and key. Scheer was not … nobody trusted him on those issues. The social conservative base is an enormous problem for that party.”

Whoever wins the leadership of the party, Livesey predicted, must “basically ignore what the base is” if they want to win enough seats outside Alberta, the Prairies and rural Ontario.

Hard Right

Garossino, meanwhile, agreed that infighting over who can be the most hardline on divisive issues such as LGBTQ rights and abortion is only hurting the party more with each utterance and campaign plank.

The popular longtime columnist with Canada's National Observer spent years previously as a Crown prosecutor and trial lawyer and Vancouver community advocate. She is also a keen observer of Canadian and American political trends, admitting Monday she's a big nerd for electoral data and crunching riding numbers. While she and Livesey admitted few Tories are likely paying heed to this publication, they ought to at least pay attention to the dismal electoral data.

When it comes to hard-right social issues, the numbers don't lie.

“They're actually campaigning against themselves the more they play to that,” Garossino said. “It doesn't play in any of the areas that the federal Conservatives need to take power. They have got to get into the 905 — the (Greater Toronto Area) — and they've got to get into Quebec.”

According to the most recent polls, the Conservatives are indeed trailing behind the Liberals — despite Scheer's repeated attempts to portray Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as a reckless spendthrift, contemptuous of accountability and the rule of law.

A new poll released June 28 by respected pollster Léger Marketing placed Liberals at 40 per cent support, double-digits ahead of Conservatives in voter intentions compared to the Tories' 28 per cent. (The survey of 1,524 Canadians gave the NDP 17 per cent support, the Bloc Québecois seven per cent, and Greens one point behind; the online poll's margin of error could be considered equivalent to 2.5 per cent.) The results mirrored another opinion survey last week.

But yet another poll by Ekos Research found an even starker divide when it comes to gender last week, with Liberals leading among women with a staggering 24 per cent lead over the Tories, which held a slight lead over the Grits among men.

Multi-poll aggregator 338Canada, meanwhile, ran 250,000 statistical election simulations using recent polls and predicted a 189-seat Liberal seat majority if an election were held now, with the Tories trailing at 94 seats (a party needs a minimum 170 seats to win a majority government).

But both Livesey and Garossino reminded participants in the Zoom event that key to electoral victory in Canada is commanding broad support across the most vote-rich, densely populated urban centres — particularly the Greater Toronto Area suburbs, Montreal, and B.C.'s Lower Mainland. It was a lesson former Prime Minister Stephen Harper understood despite his past social-conservative, Reform Party roots.

That's something Livesey believes the Conservatives have lost sight of completely. He has little hope the once-moderate stalwarts of the party will regain control any time soon because of the need to survive the hard-right base that serves as a gauntlet for would-be leaders.

“They're not taking into consideration the electoral math that plays into this,” he explained. “The Tories' base gets them about 30 per cent of the vote, but to win a minority, you need around 35, a majority around 40.

“That means you've got to convince ... the very seat-rich urban hubs like Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal … that you represent their interests. That is the programmatic problem with the party now. They have completely clued out to the fact that those voters don't want to vote for that particular platform.”

Stuck on Harper

In his June 25 analysis, Livesey argued former prime minister Stephen Harper remains the most powerful force in today's party, but may be, in fact, undermining “the very thing he created” as his successor Scheer steers the party sharply towards the far right on issues such as abortion and LGBTQ rights.

It's something Tory supporters should be extremely wary of, particularly as the far-right administration in the pandemic-gutted United States faces “potential devastation of unbelievable proportions because of the failure of this one man,” Garossino said. But the roots of the crisis go back decades to Reagan-era right-wing neoliberal movements, she and Livesey agreed, as billionaires and corporations were effectively handed the keys to power in the U.S.

Today, with tens of millions of unemployed losing their private health benefits, the chickens are now coming home to roost in that country.

“If you look at the trajectory, this is the sum result of a program that began in the '70s and '80s to, in effect, ensure the state did nothing for the average American citizen,” Livesey said. “(It marked) the end of the so-called welfare state — the New Deal type of government — and the capture of the state by largely the billionaire class.”

But although the Tea Party hasn't taken hold to the same extent north of the 49th parallel, similar hardline right movements have found sympathy in many parts of Canada.

Canadians, and particularly those loyal to the Conservative party, ought to worry about similar political movements here gaining any more foothold than they have. But it was actually Canada's Reagan-era Conservative leader who garnered some positive attention in Monday's online discussion.

Faced with a stark ideological choice today, Tories might look for inspiration — and success — to former PM Brian Mulroney.

“The PCs recognized they had to be a centre party to win power. The person most genius at figuring that out was Mulroney, he won two solid majorities … and destroyed the Liberals in Quebec. They had the 'big tent' approach, that social conservatives, Red Tories, environmentalists, people from all walks of life, fiscal conservatives, could all be under the same umbrella." Livesey said.

“It worked until it didn't work.”

Mulroney was also considered a leader on environmental issues, and even stalwart Conservative architect Tom Flanagan told Livesey he hoped for some critical Tory reflection on their climate change and carbon pricing policies.

“There is increasing awareness they have to be better on that front,” Livesey said, “even if it is in a very cynical way.”

But it's not just the evangelicals trying to steer the Tory ship. Another powerful force in the country has leveraged influence extremely effectively. Livesey and Garossino said other than the Tories' social conservative base, the party also has been held “hostage” by the oil industry lobby and some of Harper's former entourage, such as Jason Kenney, now Alberta premier.

Garossino has frequently commented on the state of Canada's Conservatives, most recently in her May 27 column, Stephen Harper's power dissolves, in which she argued that Harper continues to “control his chastened party” from the sidelines, but as “the right’s energy and narrative has been seized by Trumpian ideologues,” the Canadian electoral as moved on and is no longer interested.

Canada's Conservatives ought to ponder those trends carefully before selecting their next leader, Garossino said, but she's not hopeful.

“To get to be a contender nationally, you have to get past the base, which is far more conservative than the Canadian public,” she said. “They're almost fighting against themselves.”

Could the Red Tories stage a Mulroney-inspired comeback — and retake the reins from today's increasingly unpalatable oil and religious party wings? That remains to be seen.

[uomo-accattivante]

In 2012, actor Oscar Isaac and dancer Bobbi Jene Smith, friends from Juilliard, sat across from each other in a room in New York City and performed a piece choreographed by Smith called Arrowed. Smith has described it as “a dance without any movement”; based on an Internet video of the performance, I would call it more of an interview or an interrogation. In that clip, Isaac sits on one side of a stage, Smith on the other, and he asks her a series of questions, some banal (“Where are you from? Do you drink? Do you smoke?”), others cryptic (“Are you an anchor or an arrow? Are you waiting or weighed down?”). At first the tone is friendly and inquisitive, and she is leisurely and thoughtful with her responses. Soon the questions begin repeating, faster and faster each time, more probing, more intrusive, more difficult to react to. Smith becomes palpably flustered. As the pressure mounts, her answers begin to change, to contradict.

Lind and Smith began corresponding, and eventually Lind traveled to Sweden, where the Iowa-born Smith, on hiatus from her longtime gig as a principal with the prestigious Israeli dance company Batsheva, was performing with choreographer Sharon Eyal’s troupe. The filmmaker arrived by train, “quite nervous,” to ask if Smith would be open to doing a documentary. “This is such a weird thing,” Lind remembers. “It’s a little bit like: Will you marry me? But like: Will you marry me and my camera?”

That makes more sense when you see Bobbi Jene, Lind’s new film, in theaters now. I’m sitting across from the director and her subject at a sidewalk café just a few blocks from where their project won top documentary honors at the Tribeca Film Festival this past spring. Shot over the course of three years, Bobbi Jene is a feat of vérité filmmaking, so intensely intimate that “intensely intimate” doesn’t really do it justice. Partly that’s a tribute to Lind’s masterful fly-on-the-wall maneuvering. “The way I work is basically I do everything I can do to disappear,” she explains. “Then I can make a film where it’s not at the forefront of Bobbi’s mind that there’s someone capturing her thoughts. It doesn’t become part of her . . . consideration.”

But it’s equally a tribute to Smith’s remarkable ability to move through the world without artifice and her willingness to trust-fall into Lind’s vision. “Bobbi knows at any point she can say, I don’t want this to be seen by anyone,” Lind goes on. “And at the same time, I’m going to film it. Because maybe in two years you’ll be like: I’m so glad you filmed that.” Smith nods and describes a scene that ended up making it into the documentary: Desperate to be alone in a moment of anguish, she realized, “Oh, actually the moments when I don’t want her there, those are when she gets to do what she loves.”

“Oh,” Lind exclaims. “That’s so sweet!”

At the film’s outset, Smith has just made the decision, in her own parlance, to be an arrow not an anchor, to strike out on her own as a dancer and choreographer. It’s a choice that means parting ways with Batsheva, her creative home for nearly 10 years, and with its charismatic artistic director (also her former lover), Ohad Naharin, whose fluid, intuitive movement language, Gaga, is Smith’s dancing vernacular. It also means leaving behind Tel Aviv, the city where she’d relocated at Naharin’s invitation as a 21-year-old Juilliard dropout, and saying goodbye—geographically, if not emotionally—to Or Schraiber, the Israeli Batsheva dancer, 10 years her junior, with whom she had fallen deeply in love.

Lind trails her subject as she performs her last shows in Israel, then moves back to the States, first to San Francisco, then to New York City. She reconnects with her family, particularly with her devoutly Christian mother, who admires her daughter’s courage but worries about her more free-spirited ways. We see Smith struggling with Schraiber’s absence, reckoning with his reluctance to join her in America, with their considerable age gap (“Maybe we think similarly,” he tells her, “but we are not in the same place”). We’re in the room for their wrenching reunions and partings of ways (and for some mildly NSFW Skype sessions in between). And we watch her work to channel her personal trials into A Study on Effort, a powerfully provocative new solo piece that Smith, a magnetic dancer, performs naked for a live audience, with only her very long hair as a veil.

In one bit she braces her arms against an imaginary wall, pushing with all her might, the sinews of her impressively chiseled body tightening and quivering with exertion. In another, she throws her arms up in the air, over and over again, like a woman raging at a cruel god, a heaving motion that takes on its own momentum. The longer she does it, the harder it is to read whether it’s gravity or her body that’s doing the work. And at the end of the performance, she drags a sandbag onto the stage, lies facedown on top of it, and grinds her hips against its mass, shuddering and moaning until she achieves, spectacularly, an orgasm.

It’s a sexual act, though not particularly sexy, or at least it’s not meant to be. Even as she performs it publicly, nakedly, there’s something unnervingly internal about it, centered, extremely private. She’s playing with ideas she learned from Naharin, “about effort and pleasure and pain and pleasure,” she tells the camera, “and how it’s just a switch. It’s the same thing.” But the piece is also a radical reclamation of the naked female body, and of female pleasure, as something separate from the familiar framework of shame and purity and modesty, and, though there are men in the audience watching, as something utterly apart from the male gaze or external desire.

Bobbi Jene is radical, too: It’s a film that says incremental progress and process are as important as monumental feats of achievement. It’s a portrait of an artist coming out of a long incubation period, seeking and finding her own voice, the kind of female artistic bildungsroman that’s still in terribly short supply in our culture, and the kind of female sexual bildungsroman that’s still almost entirely absent. It’s also the story of a woman of a certain age—at the beginning of the film Smith expresses dismay at her looming 30th birthday—who is claiming her body for her own purposes, and about what happens when she bets on one kind of creative potential over another. “I could have danced there longer,” Smith tells me of Batsheva, “and settled down, continued. But I felt like I wasn’t able to make the separation between what was my work and what I gave to the company. What do I want to say to the world? I feel like a lot of times in life we’re waiting for that aha moment that’s like, okay, now is the time to go. One day I woke up and was like, that moment doesn’t exist. It’s not real. It’s an abstract idea. That pushed me off the cliff, the moment when I realized there is no moment.”

Smith’s ambivalence about having children hovers at the margins of this movie, alluded to but never directly addressed. It goes unspoken that childbearing—not to mention child rearing—would take a major toll on a dancer’s career, as it would, to a different extent, on any creative work. These were questions that were very much on Lind’s mind during the years she was filming. “There’s a primal scream,” she says. “It’s really loud. You kind of don’t want to hear it, but it’s the body that’s talking to us. And we have to face these things. To have a baby, and to settle, and be a mother, is different than for a man. It takes up a different volume in your life. It’s something I really battled with. And it helped me a lot to work with it, to see it from a different perspective.” Toward the end of the long process of making Bobbi Jene, she and Isaac were trying and failing to conceive. “Maybe I had to finish the film first,” she surmises. “My body was like, nope, not yet.” She got pregnant as soon as editing was done, went into labor during the documentary’s Tribeca premiere, and gave birth shortly thereafter to a son.

In Smith’s life, the big news is that Schraiber finally joined her this fall in New York. She breaks into a big, shy grin when I ask her about him. “I’m so moved that he came,” she says, her voice wavering. When I spoke with Lind and Smith it was a few days ahead of when Bobbi Jene would officially hit theaters, and Smith admitted to being anxious and a little out of sorts. At one point in the film she talks to Lind about the limited upside of being a dancer. “It’s just . . . keep working. It doesn’t have a payoff like acting or even film. Performing arts don’t have that. Or music: You can have one song and you can get royalties. The equivalent in the dance world is you make one really great solo. And maybe some people will see it. That’s it.”

Unless, of course, someone makes a documentary about you, and then there’s a pretty good chance that thousands and thousands of people will see your work, in all its complexity, in any number of contexts. It’s very different, after all, to perform a naked sexual act for the type of solemnly reverential performing arts enthusiast who might buy a ticket to an avant-garde dance recital, and to do so in front of a camera, in footage that will be available for the foreseeable future to anyone with an iTunes account or a Netflix log-in. “You could go back and watch it, that one moment,” Smith acknowledges. “It feels very vulnerable in a way that I’m not used to. With live performance, part of the magic is that it disappears. And it becomes a memory. It’s like”—she gestures toward me, then back to herself—“I’m with you. You’re with me. It’s a dialogue. And now it’s different.”

It’s a coincidence that last winter also saw the U.S. release of Mr. Gaga, a documentary by Israeli director Tomar Heyman, about Naharin, Smith’s longtime mentor. That film, a more straightforward survey of its subject’s life and work, ranks as the most successful documentary in Israeli history. It’s a fascinating companion piece to Bobbi Jene, but some reviewers have drawn unflattering comparisons. Variety called Bobbi Jene “considerably less rewarding than last year’s Mr. Gaga . . . alongside which this new film feels like a footnote.” A critic at RogerEbert.com said of the attention paid to Smith’s romantic and personal quandaries: “We all have these problems. Who cares?”

But it’s precisely because we all have these problems that we ought to care. “The personal is political,” a truism, sure, but never truer than in this documentary, which shines a spotlight on a woman gambling on security and love, betting on herself and her ideas, using her body as she sees fit—and doing all those things at an age when society quite frankly discourages women from taking such risks. Bobbi Jene is quietly exceptional, unique because of the unique nerve and talent of its subject (that much is evident having spent just an hour with her), and universal, even mundane, because the questions that plague Smith—how to balance ambition and creative drive and personal fulfillment and biological reality—will be deeply, painfully familiar to any woman staring down the ticking clock of her young adulthood. Lind’s film makes the case that these kinds of stories are not mere footnotes, but ones well worth telling. And anyone enlightened enough to see past the great-men theory of history would probably agree.

One scene from the film reveals Smith spreading the gospel of Gaga to a class of dancers. (Teaching, she tells me, may be her true calling: “I speak through my body, and actually that feels like my work, where I meet people in the studio. Letting them know how much power they have, how loud their voices can be.”) Demonstrating a movement, she grabs her ankle behind her, uses the momentum to spin her body around, plants her foot, and then swoops her clasped hands under her parted legs so that she’s contorted into a standing backbend. “And you just have to hope for the best,” she admits to her students as they try, clumsily, to imitate her. “Usually it’s a 70 percent chance. Thirty percent I hit my head really hard on the floor, 70 percent I don’t. But you’re not going to die.”

You give into the motion, you accept pain as a possible side effect: that seems to be Smith’s philosophy both in and out of the studio. “It’s terrifying, it’s humbling,” she says of watching the finished film. “I remember thinking, like, Oh, maybe that part I don’t like, that movement. I could do that much better.” She glances at Lind. “Then I realized: She probably spent hours on it, dreamed on it, changed it, cut it one second earlier, got a glass of wine, came back to it, tried it with different music. And that’s what she landed on. I need to trust that this is the right decision that she wants to make.” Smith goes on: “This is my life, but this is Elvira’s art. It was an amazing lesson in letting go.”

###

[empty-church]

I Didn't Have Enough Love to Stay.

Love is uncomfortable. Showing the type of sacrificial love that Jesus' expects of us is a challenge because it taxes our very ability to give away something that we so desperately desire to have for ourselves. We are to love first without the expectation of love in return, but we can freely admit that we need to be loved as well. 

There are seasons in life that place us in an uncomfortable tension between needing love and giving love. I will attempt to talk through a painful time in my life where I made a choice simply because I did not have enough love to give. 

In Brett McCracken's book Uncomfortable: The Awkward and Essential Challenge of Christian Community, the author is talking about demonstrating Biblical levels of love. The main illustration is unsurprisingly the commitment to marriage. But Brett drops the following lines, and in what seems like an afterthought, I grasped one of the missing pieces of a big moment in my life. 

Here is what he said, 

"The uncomfortable principle at the core of both issues is that love requires sacrificing the sovereignty of our feelings. Love cannot survive on the basis of emotional satisfaction. It is covenantal. And this is a hard truth to stomach, because it requires faithfulness even when we’re not feeling it, even when our “heart isn’t in   it.” This doesn’t just apply to marriage. It’s also true for the way we love our friends, our parents, our children, our neighbors. A single young man might feel restless in his present community and be tempted to abandon it for a new job or opportunity across the country, but for the sake of a commitment-based love for his friends, he stays. A teenage girl might feel frustrated by her parents and tempted to break the rules they’ve established, but her commitment-based love leads her to honor them instead. A mom might dream of saving money to launch a business, but her commitment-based love leads her to instead use that money to pay for her son’s college tuition. A volunteer after-school tutor might grow weary with a student’s lack of progress and be tempted to quit, but his commitment-based love leads him to keep working with the student. Cruciform love doesn’t always feel rewarding and it doesn’t always look like progress. But it does look like sacrifice and servanthood. Which is to say, it looks like Jesus (Mark 10: 42– 45; John 13: 1– 17)."  -- McCracken, Brett. Uncomfortable: The Awkward and Essential Challenge of Christian Community (pp. 86-87). Crossway. Kindle Edition.

I was working in a church that I loved with people that I loved. It was a vibrant and challenging community that was actively bringing hope to hopeless people.  But somehow my wife and I lost track of each other. We drifted apart...

As my marriage crumbled I swiftly approached my personal breaking point. Every nerve was perpetually raw.  I vividly remember sitting on the floor of a bathroom stall in the school we were renting weeping uncontrollably. I suddenly found myself feeling just like the people we as a church had vowed to reach - hopeless. 

With a nervous breakdown inevitably approaching I did the most unhealthy thing a pastor could do - I threw myself deeper into the work. Ignoring my real feelings, I funneled the anxious energy of uncertainty into "ministry," if you could even call it that. My senior pastor even beamed at how productively awesome I was doing. I had everyone fooled, I guess. 

Now, I'll fast forward a bit and tell you that my wife and I made it out ok. We are happy now and we have finally learned how to love each other. Hard learned lessons are the best lessons. 

In order to get to the point where my wife and I could recover, I had to make a difficult choice. 

I had to leave the best job I ever had. 

I didn't have enough love for both.

To be good at your job you have to love it to some level. To do the work of the ministry as Jesus did we have to have supernatural levels of love. 

Love is a muscle that needs to be developed. The exercise of love enables us to love more. What I realized soon during the tumultuous season addressed above is that I did not have the capacity to love both the people of the church and my wife.

I had faked it pretty well. When I was channeling the fear of losing my wife into "good ministry" I had everyone faked out, but I knew deep down inside that what I was doing was unsustainable. If I had continued I would have lost my wife, the church, and probably my self. 

I began to pray that God would let me leave my position in the church I was serving. It was a cry of surrender that I couldn't do it anymore. It was an admission that I didn't have the ability to love (or to receive love).

After 4 months of praying and counseling, I resigned. This was the second saddest day that I have lived. Not a day goes by that I do not think of the church and the people I worked with. I know that sounds cliché, but it is true. My thoughts are mixed with regret and joy, what-ifs and thankfulness. I am profoundly happy that my family has made it through, but I reflect with sadness on what might have been. 

It is hard to admit that I am limited in any capacity. It is the stubbornness that serves me well to the top and bottom of life. But the uncomfortable truth is simply this: At the time, I did not have enough love to be a minister and husband. 

Now some people reading this will inevitably say that I turned my back on Jesus because I chose my wife over the ministry work.  I put my hand to the plow and then looked back making me unfit for the kingdom of God. Maybe so. I won't truly know until I get to the pearly gates and look Jesus in the eye. But I can confidently say that the whole experience has greatly increased my ability to love others in the right way. 

What is the right way to love others? By committing to them on a personal level. By learning how to love someone who caused me great pain with her actions, I can love others more deeply.

Sometimes in the work of the church we commit more to mission than to people. We commit to a leaders vision instead of to each other. How shallow our Christian experience becomes when we commit to something instead of someone. Loving a things like visions, commands and missions are just materialism wrapped up in leadership speak. We think that these things will lead to joy, but they never do. The person of Jesus and the fellowship of the Church (that is, God's people, not an organization) is what brings joy. 

I've also learned that I have to budget my commitments. I can't commit to loving too much beyond my capacity. If I do then I will inevitably neglect another commitment that I have. We must be stretched in our commitments to love others, but be wise enough not to take on so much that we succumb to overwhelming demands that our commitments of love will place on us.

Leaving the job I loved the most actually allowed me to learn to love more honestly, deeply, and sincerely. It has increased my capacity to love and serves as a reminder that loving people is always more important than loving an organization - no matter how good of an organization it is.

  About the Author | Josh Schaidt Twitter – Facebook – Instagram I love cookies and I still buy music one album at a time. @EmptyChurch is one way I live empty, talk faith, and opt in to follow Jesus.

Please remember our Rules For Discussion when commenting.

[cicinicole-14]

jvsvau 1

So... its currently 4am... and I'm just posting this now. to clarify, Gus is the youngest of 4 kids in the Sloan family (including Sofia) and Shelly is the 3rd out of 4 kids in the Hunt family. anyway, they have so many more things I could talk about because Gus and Shelly have a very complicated yet adorable relationship. and hats off to @only-freakin-sunflowers for letting me steal a good chunk of the original fic this story belonged to. this is technically the AU version of Shelly’s story, yet we created a whole life story behind it, oops? anyway, enough rambling... 

if you want to know more about Gus, Shelly, or their families, feel free to leave some requests! @only-freakin-sunflowers owns Shelly and the Hunt fam, and I own the Sloan fam. if you have any questions about them too, we will be happy to answer! onto the fic! 

also: these really don't have titles, sorry. and they’ll be numbered if I keep posting them but by no means are in chronological order... 

Everything was all lined up. It was going to be picture perfect.

On August 31st, when Shelly went into labour, Laurie and Roger Chapman were to meet her at the hospital, and once the baby was born, nurses would hand it over and it would be theirs. Forever. Shelly would never know it’s gender, or it’s name, or what it looked like or acted like or grew up to be. Her baby would be out there in the world, without her. That’s what she had chosen.

But her baby would be okay, he or she would have Laurie and Roger. Her baby would have an actual father in Roger. And Laurie would be a better mom than she ever could; she was a teacher, and a Christian, and she baked, and she liked to garden. On paper, she was your stereotypical, storybook mother…

“Augustus, you home?” Shelly calls into the apartment as she squats down and places the spare key back under the welcome mat outside and stands back up.

“Living room!” He responds, watching her appear from around the corner of the hallway.

Shelly walks over to the couch and plops down not-so-gracefully next to him as he’s typing away on his laptop. “Work?” She questions. He shakes his head.

“No, video game. I’m trying to finish up the one I was creating. I have a few more details to add into it but I can’t figure out what exactly I need to make it feel like it’s complete.” He muses and she shrugs her shoulders. “What were you doing today?” He asks, looking up at her.

“I’m bored!” She whined. “There’s nothing to do at home because both my parents are at work, Dee still kinda hates me and Evie’s back in school now.” She complains. “I was hoping you were home, and I seriously don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t home. Actually I probably would’ve went to your office to bug you, because I’m bored. Maternity leave is boring. This baby can just makes it’s way out any day now. That way I can get my body back and go back to work. I will be so much happier when that happens.” She rolls her eyes at the last sentence.

Gus laughs shaking his head. “Sometimes I don’t know why I’m friends with you.” He shakes his head. “You want something to drink?”

“Because you love me and yes, a beer please.”

“That’s not even funny, Michelle.” He says in a serious tone, turning and walking into the kitchen to pour hr a glass of ice water. He returned to the couch, handing her the glass and sitting back down next to her with his laptop on his lap.

“Thank you. Do you want to watch a movie?” She asked and he shrugs before picking up the remote.

“Sure, pick something, just–”

“I know, no scary movies and no movies where a dog dies.” She says taking the remote from him and flipping through the tv guide searching for a movie. “Oh, since I’m here we can finish catching up on Supergirl.”

---

“I still can’t believe Maggie just turned Alex down! That was so sad.” Shelly rants, watching her show. “I am so glad Alex finally told Kara she was gay,  though. Hopefully Maggie will come to her senses. Also, I still think Alex looks like your mom.” Shelly says, smiling at Gus.

“Not at all. If anything, Maggie looks like your mom.” Gus replies.

“No! For one, Maggie is Puerto Rican. My mom is not. Alex so looks like your mom. Now hurry and click play.” Shelly urges.

“I am… Shelly, did you spill your drink?” Gus questions, feeling the puddle of liquid seeping into his pants on the couch.

“No my water broke.” Shelly answered, shoveling popcorn into her mouth, too engrossed in the show. Her eyes widen and she looks at Gus. “OH MY GOD I’m going into labour! What do we do?!” She screams at him.

“How am I supposed to know? I’m the baby of the family. And please don’t yell.” He says softly.

“I’m sorry, I’m just freaking out. I didn’t really think these were real contractions because my mom said they start out slow and light, and they have been going on since last night. I didn’t think anything of it.” She rambled on.

Gus stands up, helping Shelly to her feet before grabbing the redhead’s purse for her along with his keys and leading her out the door to head to the hospital.

“Shit, I need to call Laurie and Roger." Shelly groaned.

---

Gus walks her into Grey Sloan, one arm holding her hand and the other arm wrapped around her waist. He spots the Chapmans and can see the mixed look of excitement and worry across both Laurie and Roger’s faces. He walks up to the nurses station in the maternity wing of the hospital and helps her nurse get her settled in the room. Stepping out when she goes to change into the hospital gown.

Looking in the mirror, standing sideways to fully assess her grown belly, Shelly couldn’t imagine not being a mother in a few months. She already felt like one, if she was being honest; and while on the surface it looked like a horrible idea… she couldn’t imagine not following this through, not being there for the rest of her baby’s life.

But Laurie and Roger were just out there in the waiting room waiting for her to hand over her child to them. She had to do this, right?

---

Gus had been sitting with her, keeping her company as her labour progressed and got more intense as the hours passed. Shelly reached over, squeezing his hand lightly, knowing it would get his attention. Gus looked up from his phone and smiled, knowing something was on her mind.

“What’s up?” He asks softly.

“What if I could do it?” Shelly asks. “I always thought i just couldn’t keep this baby and I need to give it up for adoption, but what if I could do it? The whole ‘raising a baby’ thing.” She thought aloud.

“If you really wanted this, I think you could make it work,” Gus admits gently. “You can do a lot more than you give yourself credit for, Shell. You’ve been in and out of rehab four times now? You’ve had the effort to step back up to the plate and keep batting every time; you’re not a quitter, and you’re not weak. But you know inside what you can and can’t handle. Raising a kid is not an easy thing to do. If you really want it though, then you could do it.” Gus tells her.

“It’s too late though, Gussy.” She says with tears in her eyes.

“Have you handed over your baby yet? Have you signed the final papers?” He asked, a bit harshly.

“No.”

“It’s not too late, Michelle.”

“It is, Augustus. Laurie and Roger are right outside in the waiting room, waiting for me to pop this baby out and hand it over to them. It’s too late.” Shelly argued back, the tears rolling down her cheeks.

“It’s not, Michelle, but I really don’t want to argue with you now. I’ll come back later.” He said standing up and leaving.

“Augustus, you’re seriously leaving right now?”

“I need to cool down, Shell. I need a minute. I’ll be back, I promise.” He stated, before walking out of her hospital room.

“Great! Now both of my best friends kinda hate me right now.” She stated, the tears falling harder down her face.

---

Amelia can see the pain across her daughter’s face. Not just physical pain, but the emotional pain of not having Dee or Gus in the room with her right now. Half listening to the obstetrician, Amelia picks up her daughter’s leg, as Shelly takes a deep breath, getting ready to push when the door swings open and crashes against the wall behind it.

“I’m here, I’m here I’m here I’m here,” Dee announces quickly, running into the delivery room. Shelly lets go of the breath she just inhaled and smiles, tears falling down her face again. “Gus called me, I’m sorry I’m late. He’s in the waiting room, by the way. He said he’ll see you after. He didn’t want to be in with all the loud noises.” Dee told her. Shelly just nods appreciatively.

Dee takes Amelia’s spot as Amelia leaves the room and Shelly looks up at the brunette with a smile. “Thank you for being here, still.” She whispers, inhaling a deep breath, getting ready to push again.

“You’re welcome.”

---

“You’re doing great, Shelly, just give me one more big push,” the obstetrician instructs. “One more big push” turned into six, but then, there was a cry, and when Shelly looked up, she saw Dee smiling. “Do you want to see the baby?” the OB asks.

Shelly shakes her head. She was wordless, with everything that had happened, and everything that was still happening, but she shakes her head. She can’t; if she gets to see the product of these long nine months, all the nights she’d spent awake thinking and questioning and crying… she would never want to let it go. And she had to let it go.

“Will you go let my mom know she’s a grandmother to a child she won’t ever know about and let the Chapmans know they have a kid now?” Shelly asks Dee. Dee nods. “And go see the baby, i know you want to. You can hold it, if they let you, and take Gus with you too, i need a minute to myself.” With that, Dee gives Shelly a smile and walks out of the hospital room, following the nurse pushing the tiny basinet.

---

Dee stayed in the nursery with the baby, Gus and the new parents oogling over the new baby until Shelly was moved from the delivery room to recovery. She comes back in awe, with a smile on her face, trying so hard not to show it. She doesn’t want Shelly to feel bad. “She’s beautiful,” Dee says simply. “She’s got red hair just like you…”

“It’s a she?” Shelly asks, a little bit of sadness mixed with shock in her voice. She hadn’t wanted to know she was abandoning a little girl in this world. Dee realizes her mistake instantly, her mouth slightly agape as she tries to figure out how to fix it. “Uhhh… no….”

“It’s a he, then?” Shelly asks again, this time more sadness in her voice. She hadn’t wanted to know she was abandoning a little boy in the world either.

“Uhhh….no….” Dee repeats again.

“It doesn’t have private parts and it’s an alien?” Shelly asks, this time she’s crying. Not about her genderless alien baby, not in particular, just about everything. Dee can’t help but laugh a little. “It’s not an alien Shelly, I’m sorry,” she comforts her. “It’s a girl. I didn’t mean to tell you.”

“It’s okay,” Shelly whimpers, wiping her eyes.  

“I’m so proud of you,” Dee says as she sits down on the edge of the bed and leans in for a hug. “I’m so, so proud of you.” She says again.

Shelly closes her eyes, trying to conceal the tears. “Dee, can I have another minute alone?” Dee stands up from the bed, nodding.

“No problem. I’m going to go find Gus for you, but I’ll give you some time first. Anything you need?” She asks before she leaves but Shelly just shakes her head.

---

The door to Shelly’s room opens up again, not even five minutes after Dee leaves and Shelly doesn’t even open her eyes. “Gus, Dee said she would give me a few minutes before she found you and sent you over.” Shelly breathes.

“I’m not Gus, but I can come back.” The social worker says. Shellys eyes open as she recognizes the voice.

“No, wait, I need to talk to you.” Shelly says, sure of her next statement.

---

There’s a knock at her door and Shelly looks up as he walks in. Gus raises his eyebrows as he sees the sight before him. There was Shelly, sitting upright in her hospital bed, her arm propped up on a pillow with a pink bundle cradled in her arms. “Gussy, I want you to meet Lyla.”

“Is that what Laurie and Roger are naming her?” Gus asks, walking over to the side of the bed.

Shelly looks back down at the baby, avoiding eye contact. She swallows and clears her throat before speaking up. “No. No that’s not what they’re naming her. They aren’t naming her because they aren’t her parents. I am. Because some stupid friend of mine told me it wasn’t too late to keep her, and now I have a daughter named Lyla, who has absolutely nothing, because I was planning on giving her up for adoption.”

Gus just stares between the baby and Shelly, a smile spread widely across his face. “Well, who would do that?” He asks innocently. She elbows him with her free arm, playfully.

“Can you go get my mom and Dee?” She asks.

“Can I hold her first?” Gus asks tentatively. Shelly gasps quietly, forgetting to offer that.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot to ask you if you wanted to hold her. Here,” She said, passing over the baby. “Just support her head like that.”

Gus stared down at the little baby, smiling. “Hi, Lyla. Welcome to the world.”

---

“Shelly, what’s wrong?” Amelia asks, bursting into the room. “Gus said you needed us to come immediately.”

“Shhh.” Shelly hushed her mother as the woman walked in, followed by Dee and Gus, both women staring with their mouths hanging wide open at the sight. “She just fell asleep.”

“How’d this happen?” Dee asked, taking one side of the hospital bed, while Amelia stood at the other side and Gus stood at the foot.

Shelly looked up at Dee. “After you left, the social worker came in and was going to ask me to sign and I told her I couldn’t. I made sure it wasn’t too late and I told the nurse I wanted to hold her. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give her up.” Shelly said, looking back down at the baby. “Mom, Dee, I’d like you to meet Lyla.” Dee gasped.

“Lyla.”  Dee whispered, looking at Shelly.

“I hope you don’t mind.” Shelly said, wondering if Dee would hate that she named a child after her.

“Thank you. I love it. C-Can I hold her?” Dee held the baby, walking around the room, gently rocking the infant as Shelly looked up at her mom.

“I know I still live at home and I didn’t talk to you about this, but we have room. We can turn Charlie’s room into a nursery. Mom, I can’t give her up. I’ll make this work, I promise.”

Amelia just nods, with tears in her eyes. “I’m a grandma. Oh, your father is going to have a cow.”

---

“What if I break her? She’s too tiny, Gus, I can’t do this!” Shelly says frantically, laying the sleeping baby back onto the hospital bed.

“Will you bite my head off if I do it?” He asks and Shelly shakes her head, stepping back.  Gus steps closer, picking up the baby and laying her gently into the carseat and buckling it over her tiny frame. “There. Was that so hard? She didn’t even wake up.”

“Thank you. And thank you again for driving us home. Mom and dad both got called into emergency surgery and Thea couldn’t get off work.”

“You’re very welcome. Now into your seat.” He said pointing to the wheelchair. Shelly rolled her eyes and groaned in disgust.

“Why do I have to ride in this?” She whined.

“It’s protocol.”

“Both my parents and your parents work here and your parents own part of it, as well as my aunt and uncle, you’d think i could get away with not riding in a friggin’ wheelchair and embarrassing myself.” Shelly grumbled.

“Michelle, just humor me?”

“Fine, but only for you, Augustus.”

---

They made it back to the Hunt home, almost an hour later, because the whole way there, Shelly made Gus drive ten miles under the speed limit, but he did it to please her, anything to ease her mind of worry.

Gus smiled as he opened the back door to grab the carrier. “No heavy lifting.” He reminded her as she reached to grab Lyla’s carrier and Gus took it from her. She rolled her eyes but took his hand instead and walked into her house, leading Gus upstairs towards her room.

“Surprise.” Everyone whispered, lighting up Shelly’s face. Everyone was there. Her mom and dad, her sisters, Dee, even Jesse and Gus’s parents and siblings were there to welcome her home.

“We’re going to leave soon so you can adjust with the baby, we all just wanted to welcome you home.” Thea smiled, hugging her little sister. “Congrats, Shelly.”

Everyone filed out of Shelly’s room, giving her and the baby a minute to relax and for her to take Lyla out of the carseat since she woke up and began to fuss. She just finished feeding the baby when there wa a soft tap on the door and it opened.

“Everyone left, but we have one more surprise for you.” Owen told his daughter. Shelly carefully stood up and followed her mom, dad and Gus down the hall towards her brother’s room.  “Open it.”

She pushed open the door with one hand, amazed by the nursery. “Wow. How’d you do this so fast?” Shelly asked, walking in, admiring the crib and running her hand along the smooth wood. She peeked in the drawers, finding them filled with baby clothes and everything stocked full of baby items.

“You can thank this boy right here.” Amelia said, patting Gus’s back.

“You did this?” Shelly asked, still astonished. She watched as her parent backed out of the nursery slowly, shutting the door on their way out, giving them privacy.

“Michelle, you’re my best friend. You help me through all the rough times in my life, and were my friend when no one else was because of my condition. You’re always there for me when I needed you to be, I’m just returning the favor.”

“How’d you get all this though? You were with me in the hospital the whole time?” She questioned.

“I had it. I knew you wouldn’t be able to give her up. Michelle, you’re strong, but you aren’t strong enough to give your child away. You’re stronger for raising her. I knew you would.”

“You should’ve told me. Why didn’t you just tell me to keep her in the first place? This would’ve been a whole hell of a lot easier.”

“I couldn’t do that. This had to be your choice, your decision on your own terms. You had to decide to be strong enough to raise her. You can do this.”

“Thanks for believing in me, Augustus.”

“Always, Michelle.”

Shelly looked down at her daughter. “Welcome home, Lyla.”

But Laurie Chapman wasn’t her baby’s mother. She was.

this started from one of those sentence prompt things, this one was ‘OH mY GOD I'm going into labour what do we do?!’ and... well.... thus Lyla... aka kinda the beginning point of the AU part in this series verses Shelly’s original plan of letting the Chapmans raise Lyla. 

again, if you have any questions, let me know. any future pics posted in this verse will be tagged as below.

[the-record-columns]

June 19, 2019: Columns

The ‘World’s Hottest Pepper’

By KEN WELBORN

Record Publisher

We are blessed in Wilkes to have Farmers' Markets so readily available to us.  

On Fridays from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., a group of vendors gather in front of the YMCA on Hwy. 268 in Wilkesboro. Then, on Tuesdays from 3:30 p.m. -5:30 p.m., and Saturday mornings 7:30 a.m. until noon, the Farmers' Market in North Wilkesboro is held at the Yadkin Valley Marketplace on the CBD Loop in Downtown North Wilkesboro.  As more and more fruits and vegetables come in, each week they should just continue to get better and better as the season progresses.

Today I want to mention a couple of purchases I made on Tuesday afternoon of last week at the North Wilkesboro Market.  As I perused the various tables, I stopped and bought a bag of peaches from Tom Lowe with the Brushy Mountain Orchard at the crest of Kilby Gap on Hwy 16 South. While there we also spent a few minutes remembering his wonderful parents, the late Jane and Caney Lowe.

As I moved on down the line, I stopped to speak to Earth and Creations owner Brenda Dembowski of Roaring River, who sells an assortment of goodies, all handmade with locally grown fruits and vegetables.  As we talked, I noticed a few jars of chow chow, and, knowing that I had a pot of pinto beans about ready for dinner, I inquired about the chow chow. As I picked up a pint jar, Brenda smiled and asked, "Do you like your chow chow hot?'

"The hotter the better," I answered.

She went on to say that this stuff was really hot, and I went on to tell her that, in effect, I was tougher than woodpecker lips when it came to spicy foods and she assured me I had better be.

By now I had read the label and it  said "Carolina Reaper," and when I inquired about that, Brenda said it was one of the hottest peppers ever.

Now, I will confess that a very limited number of folks are aware of the ONE time I ordered something so hot I could only eat half of it.  I really think I was set up, and I did eat the rest of it the next day, so nothing was wasted.  However, with that episode in mind, I must confess that I began my dinner that evening with a bit of apprehension that I may have again let my mouth overload by butt, as the saying goes.

Well, the Carolina Reaper Chow Chow was as advertised, hot, really hot; but good -it was the perfect thing to go with a good ole' pot pinto beans.  As of this writing, I have eaten about half the jar, and can assure you I will not waste a bit of it.  My curiosity got the best of me and I checked out this pepper and found that it is listed in the Guinness Book of World  Records as the "World's Hottest Pepper," and by a long shot, at that. Actually, the fist time I typed Carolina Reaper onto the search bar a product called Blair's Ultra Death Sauce popped up.

Turns out that the pepper was developed by a man named "Smokin'" Ed Currie who owns the PuckerButt Pepper Company (no kidding) in Fort Mill, S.C. It has often been described as the initial bite actually being sweet and then turning into molten lava. It has been used to spice up any number of dishes, giving heat without changing the flavor of the original dish.

It is really becoming downright popular, and I've got to say, that Carolina Reaper Chow Chow is some good stuff.

Netanyahu Draws Strength from the Bible

By EARL COX

Special to The Record

Few people know that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu readily admits that he draws his strength from the Bible.  Some years back Netanyahu was interviewed on CNN.  Here's an excerpt: “You live in the center of a hostile world. Are you ever able to relax?” To which the Prime Minister replied: “Yes, Sir, I am. Every Saturday on our Sabbath, I have a day off. So every Saturday, I take an hour and a half to read the Bible. I draw enormous strength as well as relaxation from this quiet time.” 

As Christians, we are greatly encouraged by this admission. It is great to know that the Prime Minister of Israel faithfully spends time in the Bible, since we believe it is vitally important to understand Israel — past, present and future. The divine influence of the God of Israel is the key to the history of the Jewish people and their nation, Israel. 

The interview started off with the question, “Why can’t you and the Palestinian Arabs get together?” The Prime Minister answered, “The basic problem is their failure to recognize our Jewish state.” He continued, “I am prepared to make peace with the Palestinians as we did with Egypt and with Jordan. I am prepared to have a demilitarized Palestinian state existing next to Israel. And I am prepared to meet with the Palestinians without any pre-conditions.”

The interviewer added, “So you do favor having a Palestinian state?” Netanyahu answered, “Yes, but not a state that will keep firing rockets and missiles into our land. It will have to be a demilitarized, peaceful state. And of course, they will have to recognize our state.”

When asked if he would sit down and negotiate with Hamas, Netanyahu replied: “I will sit down with anyone who will recognize our state. As you know, Hamas has refused to do that. They are true terrorists who even terrorize their own people in Gaza.” He added, “I want the world to look at what we have done in the past few years to help the Palestinians in the West Bank. We have helped them in so many ways economically.”

The interviewer went on to state that Israel’s image around the world is constantly under attack and that has to be troublesome to Israel. Netanyahu stressed that there is a big difference between the world’s perceptions and reality, saying, “Israel has suffered oppression ever since its independence, and we have never had one day of real peace, yet the world continues to see us as oppressors.” He then added, “But we are a people of peace. We have always wanted peace with our neighbors, and we still do. The truth is, they do not seem to want peace with us.”

Next came the question, “How much do you fear Iran’s intentions to destroy you?” The Prime Minister replied,  “We have learned from history to take seriously their calls to destroy the Jewish State."

Netanyahu was then asked, “Would you attack Iran?” He replied, “We will always reserve the right to defend ourselves. We will always keep all options on the table.” He went on to say, “Iran is the greatest threat to humanity today. It is important to the whole world that we do not allow the most dangerous weapons in the world fall into the hands of, or be manufactured by,  the most dangerous people in the world.... We cannot trust Iran to be peaceful.”

“In your lifetime," the interviewer asked, "do you think you will see peace in the Middle East?” The Prime Minister answered: “I will say yes, with conviction. Not in all of the Middle East, but I think we will have peace with the Palestinians.” He stressed, “It will take a lot of courage. We are ready now, and we hope that the Palestinians will soon also respond with the same courage.”  

With Trump's "Deal of the Century" soon to be unveiled, the world will have a chance to see if the Palestinians are viable partners at the negotiating table or if Israel will again "go it alone" as they did back in 2005 with the Gaza Disengagement. 

 Up the Mountain

By CARL WHITE

Life in the Carolinas

It was a perfect time to visit the mountains. It always seems to be 10 to 15 degrees cooler than the foothills and even more so compared to the Sand Hills and Low Country.

Clear skies with a few clouds for a bit of contrast were above, and a winding county road was my path up the mountain to visit the quaint little town of Sparta.

When driving, I often listen to podcasts or CD’s that artists have sent or given me after or before an interview. On this day, I was enjoying the music of the group The Arcadian Wild, and as I grew closer to my destination, I noticed an increased sense of calm.

As I became mindful of this reality, the song Millstatt played with lyrics, “This must be where God comes to rest.” It was one of those moments when you feel yourself smiling, and life seems to balance out a bit.

Based on the never-ending request list, I’m not sure if God has a lot of time for much resting; however, I am confident that the rest of us are indeed most likely better off when we take time to rest, refuel and reflect. It may not be that way for everyone, but it is for me.

Soon I found myself on Main Street in Sparta. Sparta is one of those mountain towns that you are glad you found. If you like the idea of quaint streets, good people, great food options and a slower pace, then Sparta is a place for you to visit.

On this trip, I visited several of the shops in town including a charming used bookstore that always seems to have a good deal on something I can add to my Carolinas reference book. And with the Backwoods Beans Coffee Shop right down the street, it’s easy to be satisfied.

I cannot stress enough the importance of slowing down when visiting small towns in the Carolinas. When we slow down, we reap the benefits of uncovering great treasures of all sorts and delightful interactions with locals and visitors alike.  

It was great visiting with Bob Bamberg, the current editor of the Alleghany News. They have been around since 1889, and they are still publishing a newspaper today. They have seen it all, or at least most of it.

A visit to the Visitors Center and Chamber of Commerce was enjoyable. I learned a lot from Executive Director Katee Hettleman, who also introduced me to “Gertie,” the artistic interactive alpaca. Sparta is known for its Fiber enthusiasts, so much so that they now host the annual Blue Ridge Fiber Fest that attracts attendees from multiple states.

There are several events throughout the year in Sparta, so if your travels bring you to this mountain town on event days, you will get a nice bonus for your travel journal.

Good news for the people of Sparta and us guests. Within a year or so, their new Street Scape program should be finished. It’s always nice to see history preserved and protected for the future.

I look forward to my next visit up the mountain, and you never know who might be taking their rest at higher elevations.

[sincerelybluevase]

Sunday Symbolism: meaningful names, part 5: the nurses, part 2

I have to admit that we’re getting on shakier ground the more these posts progress; I guess that the symbolism of names matters a little less for the nurses than it does for the nuns. Be that as it may, I have tried to delve into the symbolism of the remaining nurses and find some suitable explanations.

 Barbara Gilbert

With the character of Barbara we once again encounter a case of the-literal-meaning-of-this-name-does-nothing-symbolically-speaking-but-there-is-also-a-saint-of-this-name. Basically, the name ‘Barbara’ derives from the Greek word ‘barbaros’, which simply means ‘foreign’. This is hardly helpful, but lo and behold, there is also a Saint Barbara. Saint Barbara lost her mother and consequently developed a very close relationship with her father, just like our Babs. Luckily for Nurse Gilbert, though, her father is a Christian. Saint Barbara was not so lucky: when her father discovered that she had secretly converted to Christianity, he tortured her and eventually beheaded her. He was then struck by lightning, because divine punishment is not subtle. Saint Barbara is venerated by mathematicians and military men, but she’s also one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers, i.e. Roman Catholic Saints invoked in times of illness.

 Phyllis Crane

The name ‘Phyllis’ also derives from the Greek language and means ‘foliage’.  Jup. That’s not going to help us much, now is it? There’s also no Saint Phyllis to help us. However, a Saint Philomena does exist, and from Philomena to Phyllis doesn’t seem too big a leap, and it is a saint that fits Phyllis pretty well for two reasons. First off: Saint Philomena is the saint of children and youths, and what could be more fitting for a nurse and midwife? Second: basically nothing is known about this saint, apart from the fact that she was martyred at a young age (between 13 and 15) and that she was called Philomena. When her body was dug up somewhere in the 19th century people were suddenly healed of all types of ailments. I like to think that a Saint who is known simply by her deeds, not because of her personal life, is very fitting for Phyllis. After all, she’s had to battle her social standing, being the illegitimate daughter of an unmarried woman, all her life. She must often have wished that people would look only at her actions, not who she was outside of work.

 Delia Busby

The name ‘Delia’ has a clear origin: it stems from Ancient Greek times and means ‘of Delos’. That in itself is less than helpful. Luckily, however, it was also an epithet of the goddess Artemis, who I’ve already discussed in relation to Sister Mary-Cynthia and Sister Ursula. Basically, Artemis was venerated as the goddess of childbirth because, according to myth, she assisted her mother by the birth of her twin brother. She was also seen as the protector of virgin girls. All in all very suitable for a group of nuns and midwives. I must say I think it goes beyond coincidence that we have not one, not two, but three characters relating to Artemis.

 Valerie Dyer

‘Valerie’ is the English version of the name ‘Valeria’, which is the feminine form of ‘Valerius’. This was a Roman family name, meaning ‘to be strong’. Now, we don’t know too much about Valerie yet, since she has only been with us for a couple of episodes. However, from what we have seen I think it is safe to say that she is a strong character. She was an army nurse and must have seen some pretty horrific things (she even says that you’d imagine ‘you get used to the sound of men screaming’), but this does not seem to influence her functioning in daily life. She’s also highly competent and gets down to brass tacks.

 Next week I’ll be back with something Turner-related. Let me know if you guys have a preference for cigarette-symbolism or some symbolism on hearing vs. deafness and speaking vs. muteness.

[luvambrylayn]

Gym Antics (3)

Characters: AJ Styles and OFC

Warnings: NSFW, Sexual Content, Angst, and Fantasy Smut

Short Summary: After their night in a hotel room, Mia runs into AJ while at the gym. There, Kevin Owens forces the two to face truths about themselves.

Word Count: 3,087

Other Great Blogs to Check Out: @llowkeys, @wwe-smutfics, @wwesmutdonedirtcheap, @wrasslesmut, @laochbaineann, @thatonegirloncealways, @crowleysqueenofhell, and @thephenomenonalkingofthebrogues.

The Sequel to Hotel Inn. Thank you for hanging in their you guys. There is a 90% chance that things finally get physical between Mia and AJ so get ready in part 4, which is coming very soon.

Mia's POV

I'm in the gym training. I was up all hours of the night thinking about my ex-fiance. I begin to imagine that the bag I'm punching is the dirty cheater himself. He is not the only one on my mind, AJ had also came up a couple of times. The orgasms that I had yesterday after imagining having sex with AJ were still surreal and vivid in my mind. Of course I still didn't like the guy. After all, you don't need to like a guy in order to find him hot.

I also was thinking about the talk that Stephanie forced AJ and me to have. And how it did little to help lessen the animosity between us. In fact, AJ seemed rather smug during the ordeal. As if he had something over me. I shake my head to clear it of the paranoia and focus on my work out. Strategic jabs, fluid kicks, I was kicking this bags ass. I hear a slow clap from behind me. "You win, he's already dead." I turn and see Kevin Owens, my best friend. I smile.

"Aww, my Teddy Bear." I tease, giving him a hug. He doesn't return the hug, simply nodding.

"You proud of yourself? You proud of what you just said?" Kevin says. I smile and give him a kiss on his button nose.

"Very proud. Also, hey man, sorry that I haven't been able to talk. Life has been a bitch lately." I reply before grabbing some weights and starting to work on my arms.

"Don't be silly, I'm a big boy. I get that you have your own life. I heard that you had an altercation with Styles yesterday." Kevin teases. I drop the weights and give him a glare.

"Kevin, I haven't seen you in a while, so let's remain pleasant. Please do not bring up that asshole." I answer. He sits down and prepares for his workout.

"Fine. But can we agree that you are playing a dangerous game. If it comes between you and AJ, they'll pick him. So it would be best if you at least learned to get along with him." Kevin points out. I nod.

"I know." I assure him. He pulls out his phone and walks over to me.

"Since we're both here, let's take a picture, Owen misses you." Kevin suggests. I roll my eyes and hug him as he takes the photo of us.

He starts to write what I can only assume is a witty text to his wife before sending it. He puts it back into his pocket, but takes it back out when it vibrates. He pulls his phone back out and smiles. "Owen told me to tell you that he says hi to Mia." Kevin reads. I smile.

"I'm glad to hear that. Owen always makes me happy." I state. Kevin nods.

"See that's all you need. All you need is something happy to keep your mind off of AJ." Kevin teases. I smile to myself. Then again, thinking about AJ had made me very happy yesterday.

At that moment, AJ walks in. I close my eyes and pull out my iPod, blasting my music to the fullest on my headphones. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. I repeat in my head as I turn my back to AJ. I did not want him to ever have the satisfaction of knowing that while he was a complete ass, his body emitted sex. More importantly, I couldn't let him know that hate sex with him might be all that I have thought about since we had met.

AJ's POV

I smirk as I notice Mia turn from me. I am sure that this is part of her plot to avoid me that began after yesterday. I had been having fun teasing her. Whether that meant feeling her tense up when I placed my hand over hers, or always catching her sneaking a peek at my junk or my ass. I couldn't help but laugh whenever I saw her. What made it better was that she had no idea.

Though, I had to admit, I still felt guilty over my actions. I felt as though I had lied to her. It was too late to tell her the truth, but perhaps I could hold back on the teasing. I looked up in the mirror and saw her blue eyes watching me. I wave at her. She waves back and looks down. I smile. Tomorrow.

I remove my shirt and tuck it into the front of my shorts as sweat begins to make its way down my body. I continue to work on my arms. I do not look at Mia, but I can feel her gaze burning into my skin. I do my best to ignore it as I drop the weights down and run a hand through my hair, making sure that she has a good view of my torso. She puts the weights down and rushes to the bathroom. I chuckle. I look beside me and see Kevin staring at me. He looks back after Mia.

"Nice show you put on. The question is why did you put on a show just now?" Kevin asks. I shakes my head.

"Don't know what you are talking about." I lied. Kevin continues on with his workout while still looking at me.

"I get it. Most girls find you attractive so you like to put on a show for them. If you want to do that with other girls that's fine. Word of advice, don't play games with Mia. If you do, I will break you." He warned. I nodded and continued on with my workout. Kevin seemed awfully protective of Mia. I couldn't guess why. Then again, Mia was a beautiful woman.

Had it not been for our first encounter I would have been tempted to do anything I could to protect her. She seemed tough, yet still vulnerable. These thoughts only made me feel more guilty for the games I played with her. Though, it was clear from my thoughts yesterday when I was jacking off yesterday that I too found her to be extremely hot.

In fact, since I saw her in the catering area yesterday, I had a rather vivid fantasy. Me sitting on my couch with Mia leaned over my lap. Spanking her probably pale ass. Rubbing it after each strike before hitting it again until it glowed a bright red. Hearing her moan after every spank. God what is wrong with me? I am supposed to be a Christian man. I had not even been separated from Willa for a month.

I had to keep myself from doing anything stupid, in case there was still a chance for me and her. Then again, while Mia felt the same way, I knew that she was too stubborn to ever act on it. I knew better than to act on my thoughts. So perhaps no one would get hurt if I only thought about it.

I am sure that from spanking Mia she would start to get wet. I would have to punish her for getting turned on. Maybe start by placing a finger into her pussy. Her wetness allows the finger to slide right in. I have to spank her again, this time since she must be a slut. I have to lean over and start lapping up her juices. My tongue tracing up and down on her folds.

She would want to force my tongue in deeper by pushing my face down further, but she knew better. She knew that if she dared I would find ways to punish her. My dick would be straining on the inside of my jeans. She would likely be able to feel it, but I am sure that she would not even be focusing on it. Her focus would be on my hand as I worked more of my digits into her. One to start. I would then progress to two, three, four.

My fingers were not thin either. That fact that she could take them in said something to how loose she was. I chuckle to myself. It seemed as though my cock would have to punish her. I am sure it would hurt when I first suck it in, but she would learn quickly to remain silent and take it.

If she kept complaining, then I would be forced to stick it in her asshole. She would know to beg me for it, harder and faster. I am happy to oblige and would fuck her senseless until I cum inside her. "Ahem!" I am broken from my trance and see Kevin looking at me.

"Yeah?" I ask. He sighs.

"I don't know what it is you're thinking about man, but you have an erection." He informs me. I look down an see that I do in fact have a hard on, and it is very noticeable. My cheeks burn red in embarrassment. I hurry to the bathrooms and run into a stall. I stand there, hoping for my erection to die down. I just stand there, hoping to get back to my workout soon. After a few minutes of just staring at it, it became clear that there was only one way to get rid of it.

"Shoot." I spit before whipping it out and starting to jack off.

Mia's POV

I get back from masturbating in the stall and notice that AJ has left. I look around for him. I am a bit relieved as that means that I don't have to watch his body as he works out. I am not sure if I could take anymore of it. It would take every fiber of my being to resist the urge to play with myself right then and there.

In fact, while I was in the stall, playing with myself, I had a rather sordid dream. I imagined AJ tracing up and down my womanhood with his tongue, his finger rapidly stroking my clit. I whine, wanting more than his tongue in my hole. "Does my baby need Daddy's cock?" He would ask me. I am only allowed to talk when I am spoken to. I would confirm this readily.

He would chastise me for being a cock hungry slut. I would feel ashamed, but to my enjoyment he would still stick it inside me. He would lean over me as he pounded my hold. I would pull him closer to me so that he was breathing heavily in my ear. "I bet your asshole fiance didn't fuck you like this huh?" He would growl in my ear.

Part of me thinks that fucking me would bring AJ an extra thrill. By having his way with me he would be marking me as his. Therefore he was taking a man's woman as his. Though this was when I came, I also knew that this part of the dream was the most unrealistic. AJ was not that type of guy. He was a good guy.

In fact, that is why I knew we would never have sex. He was married. He seemed like a loyal guy. He wasn't the type of man would ever cheat on a woman he loves. In short, as long as he was in love with his wife, he would never love me.

I notice Kevin looking at me. "So, how was the masturbating?" Kevin asks. I glare at him.

"I have no idea what you are talking about." I lie. He chuckles.

"Hey, I saw the way you were looking at him. AJ saw it too. That's why he put on that show for you." Kevin teases. I look at him in surprise.

"What do you mean?" I ask. Kevin is working on his arms as he takes a deep breath.

"Basically, I noticed that AJ taking his shirt off was all just an act. He wanted you to freak out. He knows that you are attracted to him. He is trying to use that to his advantage." Kevin explains. I cross my arms and scoff.

"That son of a bitch. You know, that hick definitely has a lot more brains than I gave him credit for." I spit. Kevin shrugs.

"Hey, well it definitely says something about you." He starts. I remain silent. "You're willing to fuck the guys brains out when you think he's an idiot." Kevin mocked. I picked up a weight and pretended to throw it at him.

"It's not just because he is super hot, I would never tell him this but he is actually really sweet. In fact, part of me hates to admit it, but if I hadn't made such an ass of myself when we first met, maybe would have been friends." I state. Kevin chuckles.

"Do you really mean that?" He asks. I put my head down.

"No, I couldn't be his friend because I would low-key want to fuck him all the time." I admit. He coughs. I laugh. "I know it sounds silly, just promise you won't tell AJ." I snap at him.

"Tell AJ what?" AJ's deep voice makes me freeze in my tracks. I turn and see AJ looking at me suspiciously. I look to Kevin and see a smile on his face.

"That I felt bad about ruining the bed you made me last night." I lie. Kevin chuckles.

"He made you a bed and you ruined it, you should be sorry." He teases. I look at Kevin in annoyance.

"It was on the couch." I explain. He looks to AJ and shakes his head.

"Made the lady sleep on the couch, bad form dude."

"Okay Kevin, I love you but I'll cut you if you don't shut the fuck up." I warn. Kevin laughs as he turns his attention to his workout. I turn back to AJ and smile awkwardly.

I am once again taken aback by his stunning blue eyes. "So yeah, I'm sorry, it was a kind gesture, and I was a total bitch about it." I apologize. He smiles and pats my shoulder. I tense up at his touch. Luckily, he does not seem to notice.

"It's no problem. I know that we got off on the wrong foot, but I hope that we can be friends." AJ says. I begin to nod, I would like that. "I just figure, since we both recently had bitter breakups, it might be nice to make new friends." He explains. My face drops.

"How did you know about that?" I ask. AJ's tenses up. He avoids eye contact with me. "How do you know?" I repeat. He takes a deep breath.

"It was a mixture of social media, and Wikipedia. I'm sorry, I wanted to learn more about you." He answers. I nod as I think about what he's told me. In anger, I slap him.

AJ's POV

My cheek burns, this girl could slap with the best of them. I look at her in shock as she grabs her bags and walks away. I look to Kevin, who has a smile on his face.

"What are you looking at me for? It's her, go!" He screams. I nod and grab my stuff. I chase after her. I grab her arm to stop her. She swings at me, but I dodge it.

"Enough, enough slapping, you can't just go around hitting people. You're an adult. I shouldn't have to treat you like one of my children." I snap. She pulls her hand away and looks at me with her blue eyes full of tears.

"How much do you know? Do you know that Landon cheated on me?" She asks, tears escaping her eyes and flowing down her face. I nod in silence. "Well, it's the whole story, that makes it all fucked up." I look at my watch.

"You want to go to lunch. I really just want to sit and discuss everything." I suggest. She looks at her phone before nodding. I go to grab her bag, but she shakes her head. We go to my car and drive to a local restaurant.

We are sat at our table quickly due to the waitress recognizing us. After we get our drinks and order our food, I turn to Mia.

"So, you mentioned that there is a whole story, what might that be?" I ask Mia. She takes a sip of her pink lemonade and takes a deep breath.

"It was the day I was told that I was moving up to the Main Roster. It was the happiest I have ever been. It also happened to be my birthday. It seemed like the perfect Birthday. I was on my way home, and you know something felt off. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what." She took a deep breath before continuing. "So I get home and see two cars in the driveway. I go in and find my fiancé Landon fucking my best friend Mallory. On our bed. That we shared. That we made love on. I snapped, and I punched, kicked, and lost two of my best people. Happy Birthday me, right." She concludes. I am shocked, I had no idea.

The waitress brings our food and we start to eat. "What happened with you and your wife?" She asks. I choke on my burger. I wipe my mouth.

"You still have some." She tells me. I wipe my cheek. She shakes her head. I try the other side. She sighs and grabs a napkin before licking a corner of the napkin and wiping the bit of food off.

As she backs away, our blue eyes meet. She stares at them, I do as well. We are silent, as if caught in a trance. She clears her throat and looks down, as if in guilt. "I want to go home." She decides. I look at her in confusion.

"What are you talking about? We just started eating." I argue. Mia grabs her lemonade and throws it in my face. I close my eyes to prevent the acidity from stinging them.

I'm handed a towel that I use to dry my face. By the time I've dried it, Mia is nowhere to be seen. I get up and go outside. I look up, down, and across the street. I can't find her.

I get in my car and drive for twenty minutes looking for her. Eventually, I give up and go to the hotel. I was physically and emotionally drained.