#gghghgh if u need me I'll be vanishing off the face of the earth
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im either dying or have an ear infection
#mvp.txt#im bein overdramatic ignore me im just also. strained#me: there is no permanent state of being me 2 seconds later: but if i cant do this bcus of my sanity i may as well die#me: i dont have a guilt complex me @ myself: yeah u do you just repress it#any way im back to studying islam and like wow i feel. A CERTAIN WAY abt my mental state rn#which is to say: i am not doing great#and i wish i had some easy answer for myself bcus i dont wANT to give up on this i SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS#but if my therapist could hear ny internal monologue she'd be berating me for never listening to her honestly#or no. she'd be baffled. bcus I'm not always honest with her. and om ashamed of thAT TOO BCUS I SH-#gghghgh if u need me I'll be vanishing off the face of the earth#me for 2 months: no time like the present to so this me now: i thinj ive made myself sick#im sorry. i want so much from myself. that i forget i only have so much to give. and that i could move a mountain#with brute force before i could be a consistent person.#im sorry if u have read this im just. wow. time to just. dies#i should have held out on telling ppl bcus now ive backed myself into a corner again where i have to tell ppl who dont want me to that#ive changed my mind#like. can i. stop. can i just fucki#okay im making myself cry lol maybe i should talk to my therapist abt it#the issue is for the 2 weeks of solid study and practice i was HAPPY and then i wasnt. and now im bad again#anyway#self hate tw
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