#god forbid one day anyone ever reads these things. bitch is a lunatic.

[soldier-poet-king]

St Thereses little way and small kindnesses shape the world and make it go round etc etc etc

Yes that is ALL true and I don't discount it but ALSO have you considered I ALSO want the Big Grand Kindnesses and Great Works and Gestures

Not just for the drama. Not for the recognition, I generally hate to be noticed. But for the competency. The satisfaction. The possibility that I CAN. Surely there is this ambition and drive for a reason. Surely I am incredibly hungry and yet have no concrete selfish tangible dreams, just a Grand Desire for The Good in some great manifestation, surely for a reason. A meaning. A purpose.

I want it. More than comfort and kindness and love I want this. The deepest hunger of my existence. The reason for my existence.

[not-your-basic-bruja]

I am so tired of ig

I feel like I'm putting on a show for most of the people on there but I'm actually just being messy ol me but like it's a sort of bpd bipolar mess that I don't really like to see others relating to on such a personal level

Like hi I know we all have similar trauma and I get that I'm just very vocal about my feelings yet maybe this isn't the thing to bond about

And then I ended up making a lot of actual friends but I'm also doing things that feel disingenuous for myself and doubly I can't actually tell anyone the full story about why I'm such a wreck like I have irl friends who follow me who are friends with the person that's doing the most damage right now and how the fuck am I supposed to deal with only being half truthful when these people like expect me to always be real

I never thought I'd end up giving a fuck about social media like this it's bullshit

I'm thisclose to just deleting my account.

Oh and I told off the Gemini after all these years and I blocked him on fb and ig and unfriended his ex and blocked her too and I couldn't even say what was so appealing about that silly ass boy I don't even know what I was thinking all the time I was in Texas pining for his company like I have been back for almost a year now and he talks to me less now than when I was in Texas

I don't care I do care I'm tired of bullshit and I'm done with Colorado I love this state so much even aside from the people I know here but it's so different now and it's too expensive and I need a long ass just me myself and I living situation that I can actually afford.

I'm not going anywhere until rocky's time with me is over though.

I promised him that he would be coming home and he loves his friends here and he is so happy and yet he's so fragile lately and he barely wants to go out and then I get yelled at about how he forced his dog to walk 25 times a day and she thanked him for it and I feed rocky too much and I do this and that wrong but hey it's not my dog

Like he heavy ass tried to make it seem like every morning he gets up and takes rocky out because I'm neglecting him or something because for a few months I was still like in my deep deep depression and grief and sleeping constantly falling asleep sitting on the couch and I'd be so dead to the world that I had no idea people were like coming and going

But he swears I was just being lazy and could hear him telling me to wake up or something

Like um no honey I was basically in coma for a long time because my mother died you asshole

Oh and his wife said "so what is this did you just come here to die on our couch" like bitch I'd like to say all the things I actually think about you and your holier than thou self that just emerged so quickly after reading a few bible passages and suddenly you aren't a witchy person anymore you're a jesus freak and you're a giant hypocrite too but I'm sick and I'm grieving for my mom like what about the fact that up until 2014 you'd take to the bed for months on end surrounding the time you lost your son but apparently I can't also be devastated by my mom being gone and the 4 years worth of alone with her being her caregiver and advocate and the surgeries she had and the monthly hospitalizations and all that bad stuff I have seared into my brain about how she couldn't even breathe on her own for the last few days like that is apparently so easy to get over

Oh and God forbid you call him out on still heavily grieving his own mother and drinking two bottles of Jack a day and I can't even have my phone make a sound to alert me to a phone call but you blast the worst fucking music ever the same 7 fucking albums every day since September I stg I don't want any of them in my life anymore

Like I thought we were family to each other

People change after tragedies and I'm one of them and I'm constantly giving him money for his addictions and I can't even buy rocky cbd meds for the pain because I buy all the stuff for the household and all the groceries and I'm the one begging like a lunatic from my friends and brother to get you through till your payday and then you spend the money so fast and I am begging again. I'm done! I'm so done!