#god i forgot how mentally ill i am 💀

[b0mblover]

My Own Underwater Prison

By: J

cw for themes of; selfharm (cutting specifically), eating disorders, and suicide.

i feel like i’m drowning.

i’m an ocean, sea, river, creek, wherever.

water constantly rushing into my lungs.

i don’t feel like i can breath.

somedays they’re will be people. 

who try and pull me up. 

they always let go within 5 minutes though.

theres been others who’ve held me longer. 

made sure i could breathe.

made sure the water was out of my lungs.

dried me off.

took care of me.

i cant shake the feeling that they’ll hurt me.

try to drown me.

so, i always go back into the water by myself.

i always try to breathe the water in again.

i don’t want to drown.

i don’t want to die.

…

maybe i want to drown.

maybe the water in my lungs is calming.

it doesn’t feel like it.

maybe i’m just used to it.

…

every time i’ve gotten slightly better- i feel like my own weight pulls me back under.

so i tried to shed that weight, tried to float.

i did so.

but yet.

i still cant float.

i know truly that it wont be what saves me- far from it, i know i wont be able to live normally on my own.

yet i keep trying, i know i wont stop. 

i don’t know why.

it all feels so heavy.

…

the waves, ripples, the currant, cuts my arms.

as if it was another sheet of paper to be used and disposed of.

i wonder if others see it that way too.

disposable.

the blood mixed with the water entering my lungs.

again and again.

feels so nauseating.

i’ve tried to hold my arms up.

but the wind only seems to cut them more than before.

…

somedays i think about if those people that held me, dried me off.

if they really weren’t going to drown me.

i know its idiotic to think about.

even if i truly don’t know either.

its nice to imagine them.

caring for me.

…

who am i kidding they’d.

i’d never let them do that.