#gon try to start an argument with me what you gon do mate kiss me ??? enough.

[todayisafridaynight]

ik a mention rgg nerfing ttm's features when modelin sawashiro every five minutes but they really had to cause aint no way in hell would a been intimated by this bruv if they didnt

[icsek]

Disappointment

Yesterday was a really rough day for me and I spent most of the day curled in PJs drinking my sorrows. So I tried to write a lot of my hurt and ended up with this. It’s not my usual bit, but it helped me work through some of the feeling of loss and hurt and disappointment. 

Also on AO3 HERE. 

Anakin held it together until he could get away from everyone, the doctors, the servants, and especially his husband. He couldn’t take the looks of pity, the apologies and empty promises, but more than anything he couldn’t take the look of disappointment in his husband’s eyes. It hurt, worse and worse, each time they received the same news.

The palace was expansive, but none of it seemed empty at this time of day for him to escape and mourn. He couldn’t go back to their rooms, his husband would be able to find him there and want to comfort him. While part of him desperately craved that comfort, the larger part of him just wanted to be alone to dwell in his misery and grieve. There was one place he knew no one would be at, no one would bother him, a place he could mourn and grieve in peace.

Even after being empty for well over thirty years, the Royal Nursery was clean  without a speck of dust, walls still a peaceful green with murals of rolling hills and gentle rivers the Kingdom was known for. He shut the door behind him, stumbling towards the crib and collapsing against it as he could no longer hold back the tears. Anakin pulled the quilt that had been given to them at their bonding, lovingly made by his husband’s aunt, from where it was draped over the crib and held it tightly to his chest.

Unexplained infertility was the only answer the best doctors money could buy could give. Before their bonding, before he became the Prince Consort, all the proper medical tests had been done and they had been assured everything was normal. As a young man of twenty-one, he was the picture of perfect health. Since puberty his cycles had been normal and his minor heats had come predictably every month and lasted three to four days with the major heats hitting twice a year. He’d never been on suppressants as he’d been at an omega boarding school through his teenage years and had been part of the potential selection of royal Consorts since sixteen.

The first six months of trying after their bonding were written off as normal while their bodies synced and they got to know one another. It wasn’t until after his next major heat where they had managed to tie at least twelve times over the four day period that they began to suspect something was amiss. They had gone for testing two weeks after his heat at ended and received yet another negative result. Additional testing and possible intervention had been recommended.

That had started the endless testing, the medications, inducing major heats monthly, even observation during one of the induced heats to inspect the tie formed during intercourse. His emotions were ran through a grinder over and over again, medications causing his hormones to go haywire, his body and instincts pushed to peak fertility over and over again. He was exhausted all the time, fighting nausea and a whole host of other side effects that never seemed to end. It made him moody and irritable, prone to outbursts and arguments ill-suited to his title.

It just wasn’t fair. Not fair that his entire body was made for carrying a child that didn’t seem to come no matter what they did. Not fair that every month he ended up as a disappointment to his husband. Not fair that he could hear the whispers and rumblings through the palace as time kept going by without an heir.

If his husband had had any siblings, the need for an heir wouldn’t have been so pressing. King Obi-Wan Kenobi was a well-loved ruler, the only child of King Ara-Gon and Queen Consort Eloise, left to rule after their tragic death at the hands of an Assassin. Anakin’s own mother had been killed by a thief when he was eleven while he had been sleeping over at a friend’s house, leaving him just as alone as the King.

Oh how he wished she were still here. She would wrap him in her arms and just hold him tightly without saying a word. She would have known how to handle the terrible strain he was under and to comfort him through yet another exhausting round of daily injections and more pills than he could bring himself to swallow. Obi-Wan tried to be there through it all, but Anakin knew he had a kingdom to run, not just his omega to comfort.

By the time his husband found him, the tears had run out and exhaustion set in. Anakin had curled up on the soft rug in front of the crib, wrapping his slim frame around the small, precious quilt and fallen asleep.

When he woke up, he was no longer on the floor of the nursery but curled up in his husband’s arms while he rocked them gently together in the rocking chair. Anakin took a moment to relish the feeling of Obi-Wan’s strong arms around him, the firm chest he leaned against, and the soothing scent of his mate. He wanted to get lost in that feeling, let the world and its troubles drift away for a time, free of the pressure, free of the grief and worry.

“I should’ve known you would end up here.” Obi-Wan’s voice rumbled in his chest against his ear, a pleasant baritone that he would never get tired of hearing.

“I needed to be alone. It’s hard to be alone here.” He sighed and nuzzled closer, burying his nose in his husband’s throat and closing his eyes.

“We should take a break from all this. Maybe we can go on a vacation to the mountain lodge for a week.” Ever the diplomat, Obi-Wan was trying to get him to talk about it without upsetting him.

Except that wasn’t going to work, no platitudes, vacations, gestures, things would make this better. He couldn’t do the ONE thing his body was literally made to do. He couldn’t provide an heir. He couldn’t complete their family. He’d never see the children in his dreams, with auburn hair and blonde highlights, sparkling blue eyes, and round faces that combined both of their best features. There was nothing that could fix this. Nothing except the child he wanted so desperately.

How there were more tears left in him after his earlier episode, he didn’t know. He felt pitiful and useless, lost and alone, even though he was being held so tightly. The gesture was comforting and damning at the same time, his tears soaking the soft shirt and quilt as he clutched tightly to both.

Warm hands rubbed soothing circles on his back and strong legs continued rocking the chair while he cried himself out again for the second time that day. He knew he was a mess, face blotchy, eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed, his nose snotty and red too.

“I just want a child so bad, Obi. I’m so tired of being a failure. So tired of disappointing you. Scared you’ll leave because of this.” Anakin mumbled into his shirt, finally voicing the thoughts that tormented him.

Obi-Wan gently turned his head to meet his eyes, “Anakin, you are never and could never be a disappointment to me, love. If we are never able to have children you will still be the only love in my life. There is no other man or woman I would want beside me. No other omega to my alpha. No other Prince to my King. I will always love you, even when we’re old and wrinkly.” Obi-Wan punctuated each statement with a kiss to his lips, forehead, cheeks, nose, anywhere he could reach.

He couldn’t meet Obi-Wan’s stare, dreading the actual emotion he would find behind the loving words, “You have to have an heir. I can hear what your advisors are telling you, what they say when you aren’t there. I know they want you to find another omega.” His heart broke, but he knew he would make the sacrifice for Obi-Wan. Refused to be a burden to the one man that deserved to be happy.

“Did you not hear what I just said? It will only be you, regardless what they say. There is no one else who could be enough for me. No one who could come close to make me as happy. I do want a child with you and yes, I’m disappointed each time with these appointments, but I don’t blame you. Can’t you see that? Haven’t I told you that?”

Of course Obi-Wan had, he told Anakin the same thing each time after these appointments and their hopefulness turned to sorrow. He knew, though, that what a person said and what they actually thought were not the same. “How can you not hate me?”

“I could never hate you. Since the moment I first saw you in that interview, I knew it was only you. I know you don’t believe in soulmates, but that is the only way I can describe us. Two parts of one whole. What will it take for you to believe me?” Obi-Wan’s voice sounded anguished, the tone matching the same feeling in Anakin’s chest.

Anakin shook his head, “I don’t know. Just keep holding me, please.” He didn’t want to think about it anymore. Just wanted to stay there until it didn’t hurt anymore. Until the loss for something he’d never had didn’t sit right in his throat and strangled his heart.

Obi-Wan pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “I’ll never let go, Anakin. Never, I promise.”

Maybe he could finally start to believe him.