#good on my chemist being sad and angry for me and convincing him to stay

[moeblob]

Matheo giving up knowing that the chemist will just follow him wherever for whatever reason.

(I watched a gif for "no" in ASL and I apologize if I drew it wrong I don't know how I would draw a gesture in still art so uh.... please be lenient ?? I tried)

[skelffricat]

Good grief, Charlie Brown.

I’ve never owned an electric toothbrush. I’ve never had a dishwasher. I am the dishwasher. I like washing dishes. I never bought an iron. I don’t have a hairdryer. I find it strange that I get advertised these reusable alternatives for things that I never use anyway. Alternatives to cling film. I put another plate over the dish. Alternatives to cotton buds. I use my finger. (Ew, you may say, but surely a finger’s that size to fit in ears and nostrils? Or whatever orifice you please. Wash your hawnds.) Alternatives to cotton wool circles. What? I dont know why these thoughts have come into my head, when I want to write about my youngest child. Really, I’m meant to be working, but an annoying email from my dead daughter’s school sent me down a suicide rabbithole. Perhaps those other thoughts come about as my classic brain avoidance schemes. Like when you hoover instead of doing an essay. Positive procrastination, I used to call it. I wanted to visit some friends last night- a fun thing! but I was feeling all solitary and awkward. I cleaned the bathroom ceiling at first, instead! I had to really talk myself into going to see them. I was looking at my bed and it was saying, “Get into me! and read your book!”

Then I went, and I had a lovely time, of course. I still finished the book I was reading, when I got home at midnight, until three am, making myself ever so tired. I’ve stopped taking the tablets- beta blockers and mirtazapine (more by accident rather than design. They’re still up in the chemist waiting for me. I’m rather disorganised) and so sleep doesn’t come as readily. I have to take deep breaths for ages sometimes, to get over. And I awake in the night hearing things that aren’t there. I heard The Woodcarver calling me, one night, plain and loud as day. Another time, I heard my son knocking my door three times, sharply (or was it a burglar? I said that to someone and they laughed. Burglars don’t knock! Oh, hello there, wake up, I’m robbing you blind!) Bounced out of bed. Heart hammering. Called him. He was fast asleep. Was it her ghost? I don’t believe in ghosts, really. Kind of wish I did. She’d be a mischievous one, no doubt. Is it always 5:57am, when I awake? The same time. Time to find your dead child. 

I’m often in the house alone, now. They didn’t want to leave me alone, and there were so many people in the house, for ages. Then all of a sudden, it stopped. And I changed lovers... I changed to the one I’d been in love with for over a year, the one who seemed too young, the one who wasn’t interested. Suddenly he was interested. Well. It wasn’t sudden. It took a few weeks. Seven weeks? The seven week itch? It coincided with when the Scottish lover asked me to stop letting other people come to the house. He wanted me to himself. Which is kind of fair enough, though I knew it wouldn’t last anyway. (People coming to my house, I mean, not the relationship. I really enjoyed having a relationship with him. He is very sweet, funny, intelligent, and kind. The sex was great. He can cook wonderful food and play guitar well. I liked to sing with him. I am ashamed to say I was bothered by his being smaller than me, though. His face tended to itch me, too- he never quite grew a beard long enough to stop that. As he kept shaving it off, not because he couldn’t. That was the first time he kind of annoyed me, though.)

Lockdown doesn’t help, of course. We were all breaking rules in our grief. Covid is cancelled, my mother said. Masks off. Hugs all round. A friend told me you need extra oxytocin when you’re grieving. I was getting plenty of it. Good grief... 

Now I am frequently alone, and as my new lover is very busy studying (or perhaps less interested in me again now that he has my attention back? Though his reticence in getting with me stemmed from his concerns about the uneven nature of our interest in each other...) I haven’t seen him all week. I feel myself becoming depressed, and withdrawn, and paranoid, yet I still don't feel particularly sad about my daughter’s death. Which is strange. Isn’t it? Here is the email I received from her school this morning (it had her name and class at the top of the email): 

“Good morning

I hope this email finds you all well.

A number of years ago I signed the college up to the campaign against period poverty. I receive and distribute sanitary products to girls, primarily on free school meals, but any who are in need of the products and either can’t afford them or it is difficult to get them. The products are normally distributed by myself, during P.E and games, unfortunately this can’t happen at present.

These products are still available during the school closure. If you wish to avail of them, please contact our school info account (which is only read by one member of office staff) your request will be directed to me and I will contact you directly regarding collection.

These are difficult times for many at present and to quote my favourite supermarket, ‘every little helps’.

Kind regards...”

I was really with her until she quoted Tesco. And said they were her favourite!! Ugh! I mean, it really is a great idea. Though they really should check if the people they are writing about are still capable of bleeding. My heart bleeds....

I replied thus:

“Hello there.

Great idea, but as (my youngest daughter) has died, she won't be needing them any more. I hate Tesco- they ruin many little businesses.

Maybe take me off this mailing list?”

Then I attached one of her seven suicide notes: the one for school. Which I had previously not shown them. I only found it on Christmas Eve. Can I attach it, here? It has no names... 

There we are. Is it wrong of me to find her notes amusing? She is so angry, people say. I wonder how much of it is literal, and how much of it is using the school as a big nameless scapegoat. She was funny in the rest of them, too, and very loving. I found them comforting, like a fucked up Christmas present.

Then I started reading articles about suicide, and they were about how we shouldn’t call the people who do it selfish, about how depressed they are, how they need pity, not anger. I’m tired of the pity (though I’m not the suicidal one). I’m not producing enough sadness from myself when people pity me, either. Where is my sadness? Am I too acceptant of it all? We are all going to die. Is suicide like a C-section? Is it cheating death, like I thought my Caesareans cheated birth? Is suicide self euthanasia? Why do I not miss my daughter more? Is it because she had already left? Was she released, happy, free as a bird, swooping away on an Awfully Big Adventure? Trapezing her way into the æther? I googled to see if I could find any positive reactions to suicide. Is this my nature, to try and find the good in everything? To try and make light of the horrific? Is everything a joke to me? 

I found this blog post, from Andreas Moser.

I love it. Am I trying to take the blame away from myself? The NHS? The school? Should I be reeling and railing against the systems that let my daughter get into that state? Why am I instead trying to find ways to applaud her behaviour, accept it, even enjoy it?! When I read his words, “I admire their courage (because logical as it may be, it’s not easy) and the determination to make the ultimate decision in life oneself.” I felt a strange sensation of relief, that someone else could think those things. I had been thinking them, but trying not to, because it seemed like such an awful thing to think. But then I think, why does anyone else have to be to blame? It was her decision. 

The book I was rereading is called Life After Life, by Kate Atkinson. It’s my favourite book, I have decided, for now. Do favourites stay favourites? I was looking at my old Couchsurfing Profile today (because of Andreas’ blog- he, as a hippy hermit, is, of course, on Couchsurfing). One needs to update these every so often. Explain that you have watched another film in the last twenty years, that there is one less sofa in your living room, one less child on your earth. Even though no-one is allowed to move around, really. No visiting. No exploring. Perhaps she killed herself to escape the boredom. 

In Life After Life, the main character, Ursula, lives again and again. (I forgot that to live again and again, she had to die again and again. It's a very sad and graphic book, spanning two wars- read it. It is, ultimately, uplifting.) I wanted to read it again to make my daughter live again, and again. We need to write her alive. Show her drawings and paintings. Listen to her songs (they're hilarious). Read her poems. Admire her photographs. Tell the stories of her antics.

I know that really she was actually depressed and withdrawn. I know it isn’t a glorious escape. That her wee head was broken, and that sometimes it’s just easier to say, it was unfixable, she was determined, this is what she wanted, than to contemplate it as my (or anyone else’s) failure to help her. I know that she used to be confident and gregarious. She would have danced in front of people, inspiring others. She was always upside-down, tumbling, twirling, cartwheeling. She had a dry, cheeky wit, and rather an amusing obsession with poo and wee. She was kind, and wise. She liked to bake vegan treats. She could draw, and paint, and sing so beautifully. She played the ukelele, but by then she was hiding away. She had started to write poems- songs? She wouldn’t show us them. We had to beg her to perform on the trapeze for her Granny’s eightieth, in July. She did so, beautifully, but you could tell she hated the attention. Four months later, she hanged herself on it. 

Had we all withdrawn into ourselves, this 2020? Was there really nothing else to do? Yet I remember the start of Lockdown seeming idyllic. All that free time, all that sunshine. Was I just trying to convince myself, as usual? The only people we saw were the Woodcarver and the neighbours. She taught the wee boy next door to ride his unicycle. When she died, he brought in a picture he had drawn, of them on their unicycles, she as an angel above herself, a rainbow arcing over the three figures. His sadness affected me. I felt like I could only be sad through other people. Where is my sadness? Where is my grief? Good grief, bad grief, no grief? Alternatives to grief.

[codyrichards91]

What Is A Reiki Healing Attunement Marvelous Tips

Ki can be greatly increased by practicing solely with one lying on of hands.Remember, you don't need the help of working with the aid of many sicknesses.At one time, only a change in the First Degree initiates.One of the root chakra, opening any chakras that are already a source of all medical treatments.

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Reiki Energy Bracelet

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Reiki Symbol Akashic Records

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[megharries-blog]

My relationship with anxiety started when I was a child.

I loved my childhood. It's actually somewhere I go back to a lot in my mind when I'm looking for comfort. It's full of wonderful family memories, and lots of happiness. But I was always a worrier, and very concerned about what others thought about me.

I would stand at the top of a slide in a playground with tears rolling down my face because I was too fearful to go down the slide whilst other children would barrel past me fearless. I would press my ear to the door when my parents argued convinced it meant something much worse than in reality just a silly tiff, and I couldn't watch cartoons that had any sad moments in them because it would upset me too much. It sounds almost laughable but it has stayed with me like some sort of invisible shadow creature, all through my teens and into adulthood.

I never particularly liked secondary school. I was quiet, obeyed the rules and liked to study. Cue the bullying. Nothing overtly severe. I was never beaten, nor did I not have good friends of my own. But my confidence was non existent because I was called a geek like it was some shameful, dirty word. I didn't look right. I was chubby, I hadn't started shaving my legs (I acutely remember being in the first year of Secondary school and a girl in my Gym class loudly asking me if I knew what a razor was, and there was laughter and staring. I was 11), and I had glasses and braces. I became acutely aware of how I looked and how I didn't fit into what was considered pretty.

When I was 15 I met a boy through my friends brother. The first boy to ever show me any attention. I was with him for 3 miserable years, convinced he was the love of my life and the fact that he came back to me after every girl he cheated on me with meant he definitely loved me too. He had broken me. Made me believe I wasn't worth loving and created an unhealthy perception of what a relationship should be.

I went to the Doctors at some point in my teens and told them I was suffering with low mood. They gave me a paper test to fill out and told me to 'Go read a book in the library.' For many years after I was convinced that there was something really wrong with me. I was always too scared to reach out and ask for help because if a health professional didn't deem me to be anything but dramatic then why was I worthy of any kind of help.

I went to University and dropped out because I couldn't focus on my course. I also had too many leftover issues from the relationship, (which I didn't realise at the time) and I missed home and it's creature comforts. I actually remember getting sleeping pills from a Chemist because I had become an insomniac and I had never felt pressure like it. I couldn't get out of bed yet I couldn't sleep.

I was lucky to have a job at a supermarket as an alternative. I made new friends and found a love for clubbing and getting blackout drunk. I liked boys and they actually liked me back. I had another disastrous relationship in which I was controlled and not treated very nicely. Between the relationships, drinking and the social anxiety I was losing self control and was frightened beyond comprehension. I was so angry at everyone and cried so much. I felt so alone. Eventually my long suffering Mother dragged me to the Doctors and I was fortunate to speak to someone a lot more understanding. She diagnosed me with depression and gave me Anti Depressants and recommended councelling.

My councelling experience was appalling. I associate good and bad with how I feel. I was never made to feel comfortable and the room was dingy and dark and she eventually presented me with a tape and told me to exercise more. Although good tips, I was terrified to go again. I wanted help for my social anxiety (unbeknownst to myself at that point) yet the councillor was about as helpful as pouring your emotions out to a bag of potatoes.

Things felt better for a small while. The pills helped and they didn't. Sometimes I was convinced they made me feel worse than I already did.