#gotta say even though it's kind of opposite of my usual MO

[savrenim]

.

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N:  I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

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"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube. 

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy. 

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock. 

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

— —

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[bloodfromthethorn]

The Weight of Legacy

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

Tag to 1x03 Power Broker, written pre-episode 4. Also on AO3. 

Sam knew he should leave it alone. He really, really should. It wasn’t like he and Bucky were on the best of terms and he certainly wouldn’t consider them friends, not the kind who trusted each other with their fault lines. Worse, they were both exhausted, Zemo was still sitting barely three feet away like some ghoulish spectre, and ‘trapped in a tiny tin can several miles above the ground’ was not on Sam’s top ten list of ideal situations to start a conversation that could turn violent but-

But.

Bucky hadn’t said a word in over two hours.

More telling was that since taking himself off to the back of the plane, as far away from all of them as he could get, he hadn’t moved an inch from where he’d tucked himself low to the ground in a tense crouch like he was willing himself to take up less space. Sam wasn’t even sure he’d blinked in the last ten minutes - at first glance, it was as if he’d simply turned to stone while they sat and watched. Stillness and silence were hardly outside of the man’s usual MO, but there was something dark in Bucky’s eyes that went well beyond his normal stoicism and Sam couldn’t deny that it had gotten under his skin. 

It could be anything, really. There were a thousand things from just the last few days that could be bothering him: his return to being the Winter Soldier, being poked and prodded like cattle at a market, any number of fights, the way a man had been violently executed two feet in front of his face, the explosion that had followed seconds later… The list went on and on. It had been a shitty few days for them both, but even Sam could admit that Bucky seemed to have got the raw end of the deal during their stint in Madripoor.

And maybe it was none of that either. Nearly a century’s worth of horrifying memories slowly trickling back into his consciousness no doubt gave Bucky plenty of things to keep him up at night, things that would put that blank, desperate despair in his eyes. 

But Sam didn’t know and Bucky wasn’t talking. Whatever else Sam might be - whatever else Bucky might be - Sam had worked with a lot of veterans who had shit to deal with and he might be perhaps the only person in the world currently in any position to help the man in front of him. It was the same reasoning that had led to him trying to keep in touch with Bucky when he was settling down in New York - not that it had amounted to anything in the end. The man had never once replied to his texts, no matter how directly he was asked a question. Maybe Sam should have taken the hint. 

He had enough sense to wait until Zemo had absorbed himself with whatever it was he was reading - Sam thought he should probably care, but he was about 12 hours past exhausted and honestly the details were just going to have to wait a while - before he climbed achingly to his feet and wandered over to sit opposite his silent companion. 

“You doing okay?”

Bucky’s eyes flicked to him, not quite meeting his gaze. He gave a sharp nod and said nothing. 

Sam should really leave it alone. He sucked in a deep breath and reached for calm. “Any injuries I need to know about?”

A head shake. He couldn’t more obviously be looking to be left alone, and in any other circumstance, Sam would listen to his instincts telling him to back off and leave the highly dangerous predator to his business. As it was, he scrambled for a topic that seemed like it might be safe ground. “That book of yours. That was Steve’s right?” 

They both knew that it was, even though Sam had barely caught half a glimpse of it when Bucky had snatched it back from Zemo, never to be seen again. Wherever the man had squirrelled it away on his person, it seemed pretty clear that no one else was going to be able to get anywhere near it again for some time. 

This time the look Bucky shot him was measured, assessing, and his nod more curious. 

“Steve gave it to you?”

“He thought I might need it,” Bucky said eventually, his voice much too quiet to carry over to Zemo. 

“To help you integrate with the 21st Century?”

Bucky’s gaze dropped, his expression souring. “Maybe.”

Honestly, Sam had only asked about the book because he’d thought it might act as a decent stepping stone into a conversation on what was really going on, but now he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d managed to somehow hit upon the problem with his first shot. “You think it was something else?”

Bucky twitched, then his expression went blank like a veil had been drawn across his face. “What is this? I said I was fine.”

“Yeah, that was a thing that you said. What, you want me to pretend I believed you?”

For a tense moment, it looked very much like Sam was about to either get yelled at or hit, but Bucky’s therapist must have been doing something right because he backed himself down less than a heartbeat after the irritation had risen in his eyes. He took a measured, slow breath and fixed his eyes on Sam’s chest instead. “What do you want?”

“I don’t want anything. I was just talking.”

“Then, if it’s all the same, I was hoping for some peace, okay?”

It was likely hopeless. Sam had been good at helping the folks at the VA, but those were people who had wanted to be helped; Bucky- he looked like he didn’t have the first idea what he wanted. 

He still had to try. 

“C’mon man, what’s eating at you? I don’t need superpowers to know something’s up, and we both need to be on our game for this one.”

Playing the duty card was a low blow, but it had the intended effect: Bucky didn’t soften at all, but he didn’t get any angrier either. “I’m just tired Sam. Drop it.”

He sighed. “Alright then. Tell me about that book of yours.”

“It’s just a book.”

“It was Steve’s, you carry it with you, and you nearly crushed Zemo’s throat when he got his hands on it. It’s something more than just a book.” There wasn’t an immediate response, so he pressed. “He said there were names in there?”

Bucky didn’t look as though he had any intention of replying, but despite himself his mouth twisted. “My sins,” he murmured. 

“People you hurt when you were the Winter Soldier.”

“Yes.”

“People you’re looking to make amends to?”

Bucky twitched again, looking deeply unhappy for a split second before he smoothed out his expression. “Or for.”

That was- a lot, honestly, and it was far too much to try to get into when they were on Zemo’s plane, of all places. So instead, Sam went for the path of least resistance. “Does it help?”

He shook his head very slowly, eyes far away. “I don’t know.”

“So why do you do it?”

“Part of my court-ordered therapy.”

It was clear he wasn’t lying, exactly, but Sam had an idea it wasn’t nearly as simple as he wanted to make it sound. No doubt whatever it was was something tangled up with Steve and even if Sam had any idea how to even begin to help him work through that, he could not have more obviously been the wrong person to try. From the moment they’d set out Steve’s legacy had been lying between them like a field of broken glass, and Sam had exactly zero intention of tearing himself to pieces trying to cross it just to help a man who didn’t want him around to begin with. 

Maybe this conversation really had been a bad idea after all. 

“I meant to say,” Bucky said suddenly into the uneasy quiet that had descended upon them, his eyes finally landing on Sam’s face and sticking there. “Thank you, for before. I know how much you hate this.” He gestured vaguely towards where Zemo appeared to still be enraptured by his book. 

It would have been easy to use the admission to hurt him, to make a dig at his rusty personability, the way Bucky was very obviously expecting him to, but even in his worst moments Sam hoped that he wouldn’t ever be that cruel. Instead, he blinked in surprise and shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Well, you weren’t wrong. We did need him. And his help has been invaluable, even if I don’t want to admit it.”

Bucky dipped his head in acknowledgement of the indirect praise. He didn’t look better than he had before Sam had approached him precisely, but his shoulders had at least relaxed back down from around his ears and he was no longer trying to press himself into non-existence in the corner. In the face of it, Sam felt himself softening. 

“How are you holding up?” He asked quietly, tilting his head in Zemo’s direction. “Having him around sucks for me but I’ve gotta assume it’s worse for you.”

Bucky shrugged. “He’s a means to an end.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it.”

“I don’t. But that’s the job.”

Sam hesitated for a split second, trying to weigh up his options. A large, loud part of him wanted to grip Bucky by the shoulders and shake him, remind him that it didn’t have to be any part of his life if he didn’t want it - in fact, there was a not insignificant number of people all around the world who had been desperately hoping that when James Barnes shook off the mantle of the Winter Soldier, he’d get out of the game altogether and retire to civilian life. If he’d had to bet, Sam would have guessed that was the very reason Steve had given him that book. 

But Bucky had already spent far, far too long living in a way that other people wanted him to. 

“Maybe it is. But if we’re doing this, it’s gonna be our way, alright? Walker, Zemo, Morgenthau, all of it.”

Bucky’s mouth curled up in an unamused smirk, his eyes cold. “Like Madripoor was?”

He leaned back, out of Sam’s space, to pillow his head against the wall behind him. The dismissal was obvious, but Sam wasn’t about to let the defeated belligerence of his tone stand without comment. 

“Okay, yes, we made mistakes. A lot of them. But we also found out what we needed to know and because of it, we’re a step closer to keeping people safe. That’s not nothing.”

Bucky didn’t reply, just watching Sam as he considered what he’d said. Unreadable as he was, it was impossible to know if he was swayed by the argument, but either way it was obvious that he was done talking. Convenient, really, since Sam was pretty sure his own patience was just about to run dry. 

“Good talk, man,” he said, clapping a hand against the immovable curve of his metal shoulder as he pushed himself as upright as he could get in the cramped space and headed back towards his seat. He’d tried; if Bucky wanted to spend the rest of the flight uncomfortable on the floor then that was his decision. “Get some rest.”

Still and silent, Bucky just watched him leave. 

[st-crylo]

Rebound

Part 7

A/N: This chapter is shorter than I usually make my chapters, but I still think you guys will enjoy it! Thanks for being patient with me, next chapter comes out on Thursday night!

Warning: Swearing, mentions of manipulation

Word Count: 4.1K

Tagging: @nankstasty @haylaansmi @thomasscresswell

Masterlist

After your altercation with Rey, you guessed that she must have said something to everyone else, because no one even bothered to look at you, much less say anything to you. You didn’t show how much it actually bothered you, though, and apparently you were doing a good job at that as well, because no one had asked if you were alright. Of course, that could also be attributed to the fact that you decided not to disclose the information with Kylo, opting to share with Sami instead, who promised she wouldn’t say anything. 

A couple of weeks passed by, and the silence between yourself and your old group of friends was being filled by the laughter-ridden moments with your new friends. As the semester dragged on, August now seemingly fading into September, you were beginning to feel more and more at place with your new friends. 

You had also successfully continued your “relationship” with Kylo. There was no denying, in the eyes of the student body, that the two of you were certainly exclusive. Though the gossip surrounding you two had died down a bit, the ever approaching presence of homecoming was on the horizon, which brought to light a whole slew of questions. Were you and Kylo going? Were you going together? Most importantly, would Shawn go too?

You knew that Shawn was less than pleased by your new relationship, and it was becoming public knowledge throughout the student body. You’d even heard people in your math class betting on whether or not Kylo and Shawn would get into a fight any time soon, and who would throw the first punch. You liked to think that Kylo would be mature enough to not throw the first punch, but you also knew Shawn cared too much about his face to be the one to throw the first punch, so you weren’t so sure yourself. 

As you sat down, in the cafeteria today as it was too windy to sit outside, you let out a sigh as you pulled out your sandwich. Not even five minutes later, Kylo sat next to you, resting his arm on your shoulder as he got settled into his seat. 

“Can you believe all the hype about homecoming? I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, if I’m being honest,” Sami said from the other side of you, buried in her sketchbook, drawing a variety of flowers. 

“I think that part of your problem is that you won’t have anyone to go with this year,” Alan noted. Sami looked up at him with a frown before going back to her drawing.

“I’d rather take Milo to prom, rather than shitty homecoming,” Sami sneered as she etched into the paper. 

“I feel like homecoming is just a way to keep underclassmen from bitching about not being able to go to prom,” Kylo said, stealing the bag of chips you’d bought from the vending machine earlier. You playfully attempted to slap his hand away, but in the end, you let him take them. He removed his arm from your shoulders as he opened the bag of chips, leaving you feeling a little colder than you had been only seconds ago.

“I think you’re right there. Can you imagine the uproar if underclassmen didn’t get one semi-formal event?” Phasma said from the other side of Kylo. “So, were we planning to go this year, or?”

“Well, (y/n) and I must go,” Kylo said, acting as if it was his solemn duty to ask you to homecoming. “We do have a reputation to uphold afterall. Can’t be Mos Eisley’s most hated/loved couple if we don’t go.”

“Indeed. I would hate for everyone to miss out on my shitty attempts at dancing,” you joked, taking a bite from your sandwich. “Besides, gotta keep the rumor mills flowing. They seem to only find us interesting.”

“That is a little annoying, to be quite honest,” Kylo said, taking one of your napkins to wipe the chip dust from his face. “Tired of hearing people place bets about me. I’m almost tempted to take on the stance of the pacifist, that way no one makes their money.”

“That would only happen if Alvarez also decided to become a pacifist, my good bitch,” Sami said, closing her sketchbook and reaching for the clementine in front of her. 

“True, which, considering he’s just a meathead soccer player, I don’t think it’ll happen any time soon,” Kylo quipped, crumpling up the bag of chips and tossing it into the trash can right next to the table. “Regardless, I feel like he’d send one of his cronies to do his dirty work. I doubt he’d have the balls to punch me himself.”

“If he wasn’t a child, he would just get the fuck over it already,” you added. “We’ve been dating for, what, three weeks now? And he still can’t accept the fact that we’re dating.”

“He’s probably hoping you two will break up soon so he can move back in and prove he was right about Kylo,” Phasma added, leaning against the table. “Men like that always want to be right.” 

You nodded in agreement, thinking over Phasma’s words. You also wondered if Shawn just missed having someone to control. After all, he could have easily started dating the girl from the picture- though you doubted that would be very good for his reputation- so why did he still chase after you? Was the thought of you dating Kylo really that infuriating, or was he hoping that some part of you still wanted to bend to his will?

You shook your head of the thoughts and continued to eat your lunch. Though you were still looking to cause him as much agony as he’d caused you, you were trying not to think too hard about why Shawn acted the way he did. Maybe it was because thinking about him in general still caused you pain, after all it had only been a month after you found out he’d cheated on you, or maybe it was because thinking about him made you realize just how shitty he’d actually been to you. It made you think too much on why no one seemed to notice. 

When the bell rang that signified the end of lunch, you all stood from your spots at the table.

“We’ll see you guys in English,” Sami said as she and Phasma walked off in the opposite direction you and Kylo were going. Alan simply waved as he walked in the same direction as Sami and Phasma, leaving you and Kylo alone to walk to physics. 

“So, I am unable to hold my mother off any longer. She wants you to come to dinner, because apparently Gran told her how ‘unbelievably sweet’ you are,” Kylo said, rolling his eyes. “She wants to know if Saturday night is good for you.”

You smiled at the thought. You remembered Rey talking at length about how sweet of a woman Mrs. Solo is, and based on how Kylo talked about her, she wanted to be involved in Kylo’s life. 

“Of course Saturday is alright. The only problem is, I may have to tell my mom,” you responded. You had chosen to keep your “relationship” a secret from your mom, as she shared the opinions of most of the people in Mos Eisley in regards to Kylo and his behavior. In her eyes, Kylo was not a man fit for a committed relationship. There was also no way in hell you were telling her about the plan either. If you did, she’d probably flip more about that than if you simply told her you were dating Kylo.

“Are you sure you have to tell her now? I mean, I am kind of surprised she hasn’t heard about it already, but if she’s gonna be shitty about it, maybe it’s better to wait,” Kylo remarked as the two of you entered the physics room, heading over to your seats and lost in your conversation.

“I mean, she’s gonna know within the next few weeks if you plan to take me to homecoming,” you pointed out. This caused Kylo’s face to twist in thought as he sat down. 

“I guess that’s true. Will she let you go if she knows you’re going with me?” Kylo inquired.

“I don’t think so. I mean, she really wants me to ‘truly experience senior year.’ I doubt she’d keep me from going to my last homecoming,” you stated, pulling your notebooks from your backpack, flipping to the last page you made physics notes on. Mr. Windu walked into the class, carrying a stack of papers with him, moving to stand in front of the first row of tables.

“Alright class, here is your first study guide of the semester. The test will be on Friday, so I expect you all to be fully prepared, since I’m already giving you the study guide. If you complete the study guide and turn it in with your test, you’ll get bonus points based on how many questions you get right on the study guide,” he said as he grabbed a handful of packets and started sending them down the rows. 

You took notes throughout physics, occasionally sneaking a glance in Kylo’s direction as he doodled in his notebook. Letting out a small sigh, you wished you picked up physics as well as he did. As you continued to take notes, you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. As Mr. Windu looked towards the board, you sneaked a peek at your lockscreen to see what the notification was from. You were surprised to see a text from Poe. With a frown, you decided to shove your phone back into your pocket, and look towards the front of the class. 

Just like everyone else, Poe had been ignoring you, and you weren’t entirely sure you were ready to talk to him either. After all, he’d been shitty to you, why should you humor him? 

At the same time, a part of you did miss your old friends. It really felt like, after your row with Rey, that you’d been shunned by them for your choices. You understood that they didn’t understand your reasoning for anything going on, but you’d hoped that they would at least be respectful. Now, it felt like you were being punished for your decisions. Did you really want to open up a message that might make things worse? 

You tried to conceal your stress as you put your things away once Mr. Windu was done with the lecture. Kylo seemed to catch on, though, as he gave you a questioning look. You simply shook your head at him as you placed your backpack in your lap, waiting for the bell to ring. 

“I’ll tell you later,” you assured him.

When the bell rang, you threw your backpack over your shoulder and headed out of the door, ready for English. You were simply ready to be done with the day, it had already been long enough. 

“(y/n)!” It was like the call of Satan himself ringing in your ears. You stopped dead in your tracks in the middle of the crowded hallway as you heard Shawn’s voice, the anger in it obvious. It was almost comical. What could he possibly be angry at you for? Kylo stopped beside you, but he was looking back at Shawn with disdain clear in his eyes. After letting out a sigh, you decided to turn around, staring into the face of someone who now filled you with anger and disgust. It was truly amazing how all of those feelings seemed to stay within you. 

“What, Alvarez?” you snapped, and you could see him flinch ever so slightly at the coldness in your tone. The expression in his face soon contorted into one of rage, and as he stepped closer, you began to notice the crowd forming around the scene about to unfold. You decided to keep your face stone cold as he approached you, only about a foot away from you as he glared at you, eyes seemingly red from rage. It almost made you want to laugh.

“Don’t be like that, just because he’s making you this way. There’s no way you’re actually serious about this prick,” Shawn spat out, causing Kylo to scoff and cross his arms against his chest as he stared down at Shawn. Shawn looked up at Kylo with the same level of disdain.

“He’s not making me do anything, which is more than I can say for you,” you countered, turning Shawn’s focus back on you. His face changed to one of shock.

“I never made you do shit that you didn’t want to do-”

“Oh please. ‘(y/n), don’t wear that, what will people think?’ Or what about ‘you should really be careful who you hang around because that’s going to affect my reputation, too.’ You always tried to control me, and you’ll always try to control whatever poor girl you manage to snag in your traps of pretty words and soft looks. You’re so full of shit, Alvarez, I don’t even understand what I ever saw in you.” Shawn was speechless, which gave you the perfect opportunity to turn around and head towards English.

“Not like I would want a slut like you back, anyways,” he yelled out at you, causing silence to fall over the hall. It seemed like time had stopped as you turned back around to face Shawn. The silence remained as you looked him in the eyes. Then, you did the thing no one expected you to do. You laughed.

It wasn’t a soft laugh either, it was barely short of a cackle. After all, how could someone who cheated on you claim you were a slut? It was horribly comical and ironic.

“You know what, that’s really funny, considering I never once looked at anyone the way I looked at you while we were dating, and you were talking to some bitch from Corellia for a month before you were caught. Maybe think before you call someone a slut, because I think everyone knows who the real slut here is,” you said before walking off in a rush. You weren’t going to be late for class because of one asshole. 

You and Kylo managed to walk in right before the bell rang. As you sat down, you pulled out your things, and also pulled out your phone as well, the message from Poe seemingly weighing you down as you sat down, especially now that he was only a few feet away from you. 

“Why are you two so late? You’re never here after me,” Sami remarked as Phasma sat next to her, nodding. 

“Someone thought it was his time to be bold,” Kylo answered as you were paying attention to your phone. “But (y/n) really put him in his fucking place.” 

Sami looked back at you, and you smiled up at her. 

“I just don’t like being called names when the name actually better suits the accuser,” you simply stated. You turned back to your phone as Kylo began to explain what happened to Sami and Phasma. 

Opening the message, you felt your chest clench a little before you actually read the message.

Hey, can we talk after English? 

A simple request, but you really did have to decide if you had calmed down enough to actually talk to Poe. You decided that nothing could be worse than what you’d just done with Shawn, so you decided to humor him.

Sure. Just meet me right outside the front doors. 

You tried not to watch as Poe checked his phone after you sent the message, especially since Mr. Skywalker was beginning to talk about the rough drafts you’d all turned in last week, and how revisions needed to be made by Friday for your final copy. He walked around the class and passed everyone’s rough drafts back to them. You scanned through yours, taking note of the revisions you needed to make, and then you sneaked a peek at everyone else’s in your group. Sami had done fairly well, Phasma had done amazing, and so had Kylo. 

Mr. Skywalker then began calling individual students up for talks about their rough drafts. You simply sat back in your seat as students were called to his desk one by one to talk.

“Ben, you’re next,” he said, causing Kylo to let out a sigh as he grabbed his rough draft and headed for his uncle’s desk. You frowned as well, missing the natural state of comfort you got from being around Kylo, but you ignored it as you turned to Sami.

“So apparently, I’m having dinner with the Solo’s on Saturday,” you informed her. Sami smirked at you before laughing.

“Oh so it’s serious serious,” she responded, shaking her head. 

“I wish I could tell you I understood their family dynamic, but I have a feeling it’s more on Kylo’s part, he just doesn’t want to admit it,” Phasma added, turning to face you. 

“Yeah, I kinda picked that up already when I asked why he wasn’t close to his parents anymore,” you noted. “I guess I can just try and figure it out for myself.”

In not too long, Kylo returned to his seat. He plopped down into it, making the metal legs creak underneath his weight. You made eye contact with him and tried your hardest not to burst out laughing.

“Sami Martinez,” Mr. Skywalker called out, causing Sami to let out a groan as she walked up to Mr. Skywalker’s desk.

“So, are you gonna tell me what was bothering you earlier?” Kylo asked, leaning in so the two of you couldn’t be heard. You let out a sigh before leaning in as well, explaining the text from Poe, and your apprehension behind agreeing to meet up with him after class. Kylo simply nodded as he listened, and once you finished talking, he leaned over his notebook, picking up his pen and writing in the margins.

Maybe talking to him will be worth it. 

He had a point. Though it hadn’t been too long of a time that you’d had a hiatus with your old friends, it may still be gratifying to talk to at least one of them. The fact that it was Poe did make it better, as you had been friends with Poe since elementary school. After all, you, Poe, and Kylo had all been thick as thieves once. If anyone was going to understand why you’d been so drawn to Kylo, it would be him. You just hoped that would be the narrative of the conversation, instead of another shouting match. You were quite done with being angry at people for today. If he wanted to start a fight, he’d have to try again in the morning. 

Soon, Sami was returning to her desk as well, groaning again as she plopped into her seat. Almost immediately, Mr. Skywalker’s voice rang out in the class.

“Gwen Phasma, come on up,” he called. Phasma went up with no complaint, the normal quick stride in her walk that she always had. 

You tried to remain distracted, but your mind kept wandering to what you and Poe would talk about. It was making you anxious, and you really wanted class to be over so you could get it over with. 

Thankfully, after Phasma, Mr. Skywalker decided it was time to pack. Much to your dismay though, he did say that you would be the first to go tomorrow. At least you would have a clear head by then, and you could actually focus on what was being said to you. 

As usual, the four of you waited for the crowds to disperse before setting off towards the entrance of the school. Once you’d passed the front doors, you noticed Poe standing off to the side, waiting for you.

“I’ll wait for you in the car,” Kylo said before leaning over and placing a kiss on your forehead. You knew it was a part of the act, but your heart did flutter a little at the act of reassurance. It did help soothe your nerves a little. 

With a deep breath, you turned towards Poe, who was rubbing the nape of his neck and giving you a sheepish smile.

“What’s up?” you asked, trying not to sound cold and harsh. You wanted this to be as painless as possible, no matter what. 

“Nothing much. Do you want to sit?” Poe said, indicating to the bench on the edge of the sidewalk. You shrugged, then sat yourself down. Poe sat down next to you, looking towards the ground as he let out a deep breath.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” he said. You couldn’t lie, you were taken aback. Yeah, you’d hoped that this conversation would go like this, but the things you hoped for rarely ever came to fruition, so this felt like the twilight zone to say the least.

“Look, I said really shitty things because I was shocked and worried. I didn’t think about how they might affect you. Besides, I can see I was wrong to really worry, and I shouldn’t have been so shocked,” he continued. You were smiling until he said the last part.

“How do you mean, you shouldn’t have been so shocked?” you asked.

“I mean, you guys used to be really close. Let’s be real, the only reason you two grew apart is because of Shawn. It was about seventh grade when you started hanging out with Shawn, and when Be- I mean Kylo started to drift away from us. I was pretty sure he liked you then, too,” Poe said, which actually shocked you. You had never considered that Kylo had liked you romantically when you’d been friends in middle school. It almost felt like a shame, considering the relationship the two of you were in was a fake one. 

“Besides, he actually seems to treat you well. He does treat you well, right?” Poe asked, now looking into your eyes with feigned concern. You laughed at the expression on his face before shaking your head.

“Yes, he treats me well. I can’t explain it, but when I’m with Kylo, it really just feels like I’m home. It’s just a level of comfort with someone I’ve never experienced with anyone before,” you said. That was definitely true, especially since Kylo had been your rock since that very first day of school, which almost felt like ages ago. It was strange how the passage of time hadn’t changed the closeness you’d shared once the two of you began talking again. 

“Well, I’m glad. I also respect your decision, even though I didn’t really agree at first,” Poe said, looking out at the parking lot that was becoming barren with each leaving car. You could see Kylo’s Mustang in the distance, and you could also see that he was smoking a cig, his hand popping out of the window to get rid of the ash hanging on the end. 

“I forgive you, Poe,” you said as you reached in to hug him. Poe’s arms wrapped around you as well, and you felt your heart ease at the action. It felt good to have at least one of your friends back.

“Hey, have you talked to Rey about...everything recently?” you asked as you released your embrace, looking into Poe’s dark brown eyes.

“Yeah, she uh,” he paused for a moment as he thought what to say, which consequently made your heart drop. “She’s gonna need some more time to come around. She won’t really admit that anything she said was wrong, besides, she’s stubborn as hell. But, I’m sure with time, she’ll come around.” You frowned as you looked down at the concrete beneath your feet. Rey had been a close friend of yours ever since she’d been adopted by Mr. Skywalker, and the fact that this had torn your friendship apart felt terrible. 

You and Poe shared a goodbye before you headed to the car, where Kylo was patiently waiting, scrolling on his phone. As soon as you climbed in, he put the phone down, bringing the engine to life before turning to look at you.

“So?” he asked, cigarette hanging from his lips. 

“He apologized,” you said happily. Kylo smiled as well as he turned his head to watch while he backed out of his parking spot. 

“I told you talking to him might be worth it,” he said as he drove up to the exit of the parking lot, heading forward into your neighborhood. 

“Yeah, you were right,” you affirmed before staring out of the window, a smile gracing your lips. Now that one thing had gone right today, you felt it would be a lot easier to tackle a much bigger issue: telling your mom that you’re dating Kylo. 

[turtle-steverogers]

Step Up (1/6)

hey guys so this is gonna be a fun little six part story while Light the Fire Bright gets planned! The AU was loosely inspired by SomedayonBroadway's stories about deployed!jack on ao3 so go check those out

warnings: none in this chapter

ships: all the bois are cute brothers! sprace later on

editing: no

word count: 2215

“Enough about me, though, kid.  How are you doing?”

Race huffed out a humorless laugh, leaning forward on his elbows as he scrubbed a hand down his face.  That was a loaded question that he wasn’t entirely equipped to answer.  Of course, he’d been expecting it, but giving it any thought beforehand had been entirely daunting.

All things considered, he was okay.  Honestly, he was.  Things had been...harder since Jack had left to go overseas three months ago, but that was to be expected.  He’d kept his grades halfway decent, though that had been an adjustment.  Jack was usually the one who kept him on track while doing schoolwork, so when he first left, Race’s grades tanked.  Davey had tried to help, but his patience was a lot thinner than Jack’s, especially when he lacked an extensive understanding for Race’s way of thinking.  After about a month of nightly arguments over themes present in Othello, many of which ended in frustrated tears from one or both parties, Katherine had taken initiative and stepped in to help.  

She was a lot more tolerant of Race’s impaired focus and had been present for enough of Jack and his study sessions to have an idea of how to keep him on task.  Race was beyond grateful for her help and more than relieved to see his grades raise back to his average, but it still wasn’t the same.

Nothing was really the same.  Race had taken on Jack’s role in the Lodging House since his departure, stepping up to care for their younger brothers and sisters.  He thought he was equipped for it, and he mostly was, but he could feel himself slowly wilting under the pressure.  Katherine and Davey tried to help out as often as they could and Kloppman, the technical owner of the foster home, still pulled his weight regarding finances.  But neither of those factors took away from the fact that Race was drowning in his new responsibilities.  On top of that, guilt had started to weigh him down.  If this is how Jack had felt for the past ten or so years- juggling everyone else’s shit as well as trying to wade through his own, the need for a shoulder to lean on or someone to unload to, the constant stress of getting enough food on the table for everyone while, even if it meant that he didn’t eat- then Race really should have stepped up sooner.  

Other than those minor setbacks, though, Race was fine.  He was great even!  Absolutely thriving.

“I’m good, Jackie,” Race said, though his tone was tired, “I miss you,” he added in a small moment of vulnerability.

Jack’s expression softened and Race’s stomach clenched.  He missed those kind eyes staring into his own as he worked through his homework.  He missed Jack’s easy demeanor, bleeding safety into Race’s own soul as he ruffled his hair, praising him for a job well done.  He missed him.  His smell, his hugs, even his cooking!  Which, as awful as it was, had become an ironic source of comfort.

“I miss you too, Tony,” Jack sighed, “Only nine more months!” He tried to sound cheerful, but both of them sagged slightly, the air gaining even more weight.  Nine months seemed like a millenium given how long three months had felt.

“Only nine,” Race echoed, propping his chin on his palm, “Wish you didn’t hafta go at all.”

Jack grimaced, “It was bound-”

“To happen, I know,” Race finished for him, “It just sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” Jack mumbled.  It was tense for a moment, neither one of them meeting the other’s gaze.  Then Jack cleared his throat, attempting to shift the conversation, “How’re Kath and Davey doing?  Anything new with Crutch and them?”

“Oh, uh,” Race shook his head, willing his own disposition to brighten, “They’re all good.  Uh, Kath’s been making sure I don’t fail outta senior year.  Davey and Les hang around sometimes, but not as much as they use to.  Think it’s something to do with Davey’s new job.  Uhhh, let’s see..”

As he rattled off updates about their siblings, Race felt his mood lift.  It all felt familiar- calming.  He found joy in making Jack laugh with his various stories about the antics that plagued their home.  

“And then,” Race wheezed, trying to get words out around his laughter, “And then Albert fucking closed his eyes and Davey started screaming at him and holding the, uh, the ‘oh shit handle’ like some kind of mom!  It was fucking golden, I don’t even know who allowed this kid to get his permit.”

Jack had his head in his arms, shoulders shaking with silent laughter.  After a moment, he sat up, wiping tears from underneath his eyes, “God, I wish I coulda seen that.  Albert driving?  Who’da thought.”

“Wouldn’t really call it driving,” Race reasoned, “More like, swerving and cursing and narrowly avoiding death.”

“Sounds about right,” Jack said, leaning onto the wall behind his cot.

They fell into a comfortable silence, lost in separate fond memories.  But the calm was quickly demolished when shouts sounded directly outside the door to Race’s bedroom.  Well, technically it was Jack’s, but Race had taken advantage of his temporary absence to gain his own, private space.

Race groaned, dropping his head forward onto the keyboard.  Maybe, if he ignored them, his brothers would sort out their shit themselves.  

“RAAAAAAACE!”

Or not.

Race lifted his head slowly, whining as he stretched his back.

“Gotta go take care of that?” Jack asked, raising his eyebrows understandingly, “Who is that- Romeo?  It sounded like Romeo.”

“Think so,” Race said as his name was called again, except louder, “I should go, yeah.”

“Okay,” Jack said, “I’ll talk to you soon, Racer.  I love you.”

“Love you, too.  Talk to you later,” He gave Jack one last little wave, then ended the video call.

He stared at the now blank screen, bracing himself for whatever stupid situation he’d find his brothers in.  With another groan, he shut the laptop.  Reluctantly, he pushed himself away from Jack’s desk and crossed the room.  

He opened the door to find Romeo and Elmer on the ground, face’s red as they wrestled.  Elmer had Romeo’s head trapped between his knees.  His own arms were being twisted at odd angles by Romeo, who despite his position, had surprising leverage.  Race’s gaze traveled from their jumbled form to Romeo’s DS, which lay haphazardly on the ground several feet away, still open and displaying some Pokemon game.

“Okay, knock it off you two,” Race demanded, bending down and grasping each of his brother’s biceps, effectively pulling their upper halves apart.  Both boys continued to struggle, Elmer refusing to release Romeo from between his legs, “Elmer, let him go.”

“Yeah, lemme go!” Romeo shouted, his words muffled.

Finally, Elmer let up his grip on Romeo, allowing Race to wrangle him away from the other boy and set him on the floor opposite of him.  

“No more touching each other,” Race scolded, crossing his arms, “Now, what happened.”

Immediately, both boys began bickering again, words drowning out one another’s as they tried to get their side of the story heard.

“He took my-”

“I did not-”

“Race, I promise I-”

“He’s lying, he’s just being a dick-”

“Hey, that’s enough!” Race bellowed, silencing his brothers instantaneously.  He rarely raised his voice in the house, well aware of how that could be perceived or what kind of memories shouting could resurface, but sometimes, desperate measures were required, “Now one at a time, tell me what happened.” He looked down at Romeo, whose arms were crossed at his chest, an impressive pout on his face.

“Elmer took my DS after I told him he couldn’t have it and he messed up all my progress on Pokemon Sun!  I was about to beat the Professor, too!”

Race raised his eyebrows, looking down at Elmer, who, despite the anger radiating off of him, looked fairly guilty, “Elmer, did you really take his DS without his permission?”

Elmer huffed, “He was being unfair, I-”

“Elmer,” Race warned.

Elmer hung his head, deflating, “Yeah, I did, okay? Happy?”

“Attitude isn’t getting you anywhere, dude,” Race said, “If Romeo toldya you couldn’t play with his DS, you shoulda respected that,” he bent down so he was level with Elmer, “Apologize to your brother.”

Elmer glared at Race for a long moment before peering around him at Romeo, “I’m sorry I messed up your game, Rome,” he grumbled, “I can help ya get back to where you were.”

“I don’t want your help, stupidhead” Romeo snapped, “All ya do is mess things up.”

“Hey,” Race chided, turning to look at Romeo instead, “I know you’re mad at him, but that doesn’t give you a pass to say ugly things.  Say you’re sorry.”

Romeo defiantly mimed zipping his mouth shut and Race resisted the urge to throw both of them out the nearest window.

“Right now.” Race said, firmly.

“Fiiiiine,” Romeo groused, “I’m sorry, El.”

“Thank you,” Race said, “Now, go cool off.  Both of you.  Elmer, you can go to y’alls room and Romeo you can stick in the guest room for a moment until you’re ready to be around each other again, okay?”

Elmer and Romeo nodded, dragging their feet in opposite directions.  A moment later, Race heard two door slams.

He ran a hand through his hair, taking a moment to rub his eyes before strolling out to the living room.  Crutchie was seated on the couch, crutch propped bluntly on the armrest next to him.  He was reading a book, diligently annotating it using sticky notes as he progressed.

“Heya, Crutch,” Race greeted, leaning back against the couch.  

Crutchie bent his head back to smile up at him, “Hi.”

“Doing your homework?” Race asked, gesturing to Crutchie’s copy of The Outsiders.

“Yeah,” Crutchie scrunched his nose, looking back down at his book, “S’not too bad.”

“I’m glad,” Race said, ruffling his hair, “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do,” Crutchie said, distractedly, already absorbed in his work once more.

Race watched him fondly for another moment.  He’d always admired Crutchie’s work ethic.  He wasn’t the strongest in any one subject, but he worked hard and always managed to get good grades.  It was refreshing to see.

“Race?”

A meek voice pulled Race from his thoughts and he turned to see Elmer standing in the doorway.  His face was streaked with tears and he was twisting his fingers nervously in front of him.

Race frowned, hurrying to kneel in front of him, “Hey, hey, hey buddy, what’s wrong?”

Elmer shook his head, choking on a sob as he buried his face in the crook of Race’s neck.  Race wrapped his arms around his younger brother’s trembling form, a lump forming in his own throat as he shushed him.  He hated seeing his siblings so torn up.

When Elmer’s sobs didn’t slow, Race pulled back slightly, tapping his chin, “Wanna go to my room?”

Elmer sniffed, nodding weakly.

“Alright, dude,” Race said, carefully picking him up and carrying him down the hall.  He shut Jack’s door quietly behind them and set Elmer on the bed, squatting next to him.  Elmer tugged on his sleeve, coaxing him onto the bed, where he once more curled into his side.

“What’s gotcha hurting?” Race pushed gently, running a hand through Elmer’s hair.

“D-do I,” Elmer hiccuped, struggling to get words out around his cries, “Do I really mess everything up?”

Race’s heart broke and he silently cursed Romeo for saying that.  There were a few unspoken boundaries in the Lodging House that everyone knew not to cross and it was always stressed to choose your words wisely.  No matter how mad you are, there were some things you just don’t say.

“Of course you don’t, buddy,” Race soothed, “Romeo was just very upset and he wanted you to be upset, too. You don’t mess anything up, you hear?”

“I-I didn’t mean to mess up his progress,” Elmer whimpered, looking up at Race with large, teary eyes, “I just wanted to play his game.” “I know,” Race said, “And I think he knows that, too.  He just wasn’t thinking very clearly.” “I’m sorry,” Elmer gripped Race’s shirt tightly, curling further into him.

“It’s okay, bud,” Race rubbed his back, “And I’m sure Romeo will appreciate another apology once you both are ready, but I swear to you that you don’t mess anything up.”

“Promise promise?” Elmer asked, sobs ebbing away slowly.

“Promise promise,” Race said, confidently, “Now why dontcha rest in here a bit.  I’ll let you play on my phone.” Elmer’s eyes lit up, “Really?”

“Sure thing,” Race said, easily, fishing his phone out of his back pocket and unlocking it, “Just make sure to come get me if Jack texts, okay?”

“Okay,” Elmer said, eagerly taking Race’s phone from him and clicking into his app folder.  He didn’t look up at Race as he crawled away from him, sinking into the pillows on Jack’s bed.  

Race pat his leg, squeezing reassuringly before standing and slipping out of the room.  He was still getting used to being the rock in the family, but if you asked him, he was doing pretty damn decent.

-

race is tryin his best

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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[corpse-rotz]

The ask because he’ll yea

1:Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

I’m always confused, it really depends on what subject it is but I want to know why cookies are called cookies when we bake them

2:Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes but no, I usually give them though

3:If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

Not really, I’m sure it would surprise me at first but he can do him and I’ll do me

4:Do you find it easy to trust others?

It depends, if it’s just a stranger, no, but if my friends say they are cool , yea

5:What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Cleaning my room as I listen to music and watched some Vinesause

6:You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my boyfriend or my posie of rad lads telling me to get in the car so we can go home

7:What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

I have and I was distraught and I thought I did something wrong

8:Are you close with your dad?

Yea! I love my dad!

9:I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

4 days ago! It was a kiss on the cheek

10:What are you listening to?

Tally Hall as usual!

11:You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Piñacoladda soda!

12:Do you like hickeys?

I have enough brises as is

13:What time do you go to bed?

Good question, no

14:Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Other than myself? Not really

15:Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

I text quicker with one hand, my left hand is only good for holding things

16:Do you always answer your texts?

I certainly try!

17:Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

Definitely no! But I hate myself for how clingy I am

18:When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Not even a minute ago!

19:Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

Of course! My boyfriend!

20:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

“Don’t be a dick to yourself, he hates that”

21:Is anyone else in the room with you?

I sure hope not

22:Do you believe what goes around comes around?

Hell yea

23:Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Not really! But I was still happy!

24:Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

Definitely...

25:In the past week, have you cried?

I think so? Hard to tell

26:What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

What if I’m not wearing one? But it was rust red

27:Do people ever call you by your last name?

Yea! I don’t mind either

28:Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Yea... I think so... but that may be my brain overthinking things

29:Do you have a best friend?

Of course! I have a small posie

30:Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

D e f i n a t e l y

31:Who was your last call/text message from?

My friend Brandon, we are talking about Dave Ramsey

32:Are you mad at anyone?

Other than myself? No

33:Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yea

34:How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

19

35:How many more days until your birthday?

298!

36:Do you have any summer plans yet?

Nope... I should get planning huh?

37:Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Hell yea! They are my best friends

38:Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

Maybe...

39:Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Don’t we all?

40:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

Does it count If they forced me?

41:Do you think age matters in relationships?

As long as it’s legal I’m ok

42:Are you available?

For what?

43:How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

Uhhhhh

44:If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Hmmm, I really like those hip piercings, I can’t discribe it but I think they are cute but I could never pull it off

45:Do you believe exes can be friends?

Of course!

46:Do you regret anything?

Way to many things...

47:Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

So many things i can’t even pin point one

48:Did you ever lose a best friend?

Yea...

49:Was your last kiss a mistake?

Nope!

50:Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

I finally did 4 days ago! And I was scared because I felt like he was to good for me and didn’t like me because of my issues (tbh the thought is still there

51:Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

I think so?

52:Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Of course!

53:What was the last thing you ate?

An animal cracker!

54:Did you get any compliments today?

Nope! I like it that way

55:Where are you going on your next vacation?

Missouri to meet a close friend!

56:Do you own anything from other countries?

I have some things from Japan

57:Are most of your friend guys or girls?

Boys by a long shot!

58:Where have you lived most of your life?

Good ole Wisconsin!

59:When was the last time you took a long drive?

Oof... maybe a month? I hate driving...

60:Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

Nope!

61:Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

Nah! I’m a good little angel

62:Who do you text the most?

Good question... probably myself to be honest, it’s how I remind myself to do things

63:What was the last movie you saw?

Parramorman!

64:What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

I don’t know honestly

65:How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

Maybe one?

66:Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

No

67:Do you curse around your parents?

Only my dad

68:Are you happy with where you live?

Yea! I like it in Wisconsin

69:Picture of yourself?

Hell no!

70:Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

I’m to jealous to be in a poly relationship! But good on you if you can make it work!

71:Have you ever been dumped?

Oh yea

72:What do you most like about making out?

Eww

73:Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Heck mo

74:When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Uhhhhhh I don’t count forced kissing my first kiss so the one I count, yea! I did it first

75:What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

I’m not a body person, I like people for thier personality

76:Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Probably myself or my cat

77:Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

Ew no

78:Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

Ew no

79:What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

H I M

80:Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

I’ll take “involved” as in a relationship but yea! I’m a motherly person so I’ll even help out!

81:Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

Yea!

82:Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

No, but it’s painfully obvious when I do

83:Do you miss your last sweetie?

Not in a romantic way, we’re still great friends though!

84:Last time you slow danced with someone?

At least 8 years ago because we had to

85:Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

As in an online relationship? Yes

86:How can I win your heart?

Good luck, but you gotta spend a lot of time with me, understand and forgive my flaws, give me lots of hugs, and reassure me every time I’m upset

87:What is your astrological sign?

Pisces!

88:What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Relaxing, watching a stream

89:Do you cook?

I love to cook!

90:Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Yea, it was an odd story though

91:If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

I’m not single!

92:Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

I’m not a “date and go” kind of person, I like to have a serious bond before hand

93:What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

I don’t really look into these to much

94:Name four things that you wish you had!

A college with the things I need closer to home, some TBOI plushie’s, some pretty dice sets and more tarot decks

95:Are you a player?

Hell no

96:Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

No

97:Are you a tease?

I like to think I’m not but I don’t know

98:Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Not yet!

99:Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

Yesss

100:Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Like a friend date? Yes! But a romantic one? No

101:Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs!!!!

102:Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Ohhhhhh yes

103:The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

How much taller they are than me

104:Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

It shocks me to be honest

105:If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

Heck no

106:Do you flirt a lot?

Playfully? Yes

107:Your last kiss?

I feel like I answered this

108:Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

Helllll no

109:Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Yep!

110:If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

My bf tbh. Noting extreme, just a kiss on the cheek

111:Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

Nope

112:Does someone like you currently?

I sure hope so

113:Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

I’d like to think I do

114:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious all the way

115:Ever made out with just a friend?

Ew no

116:Are you happier single or in a relationship?

In a relationship

117:Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.

Why am I doing this? Because I’m a prick that likes to talk about myself sometimes

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW1

Our Transfers, Captains, Benches, and Starting 11s for the week.

WOW HOLY SHIT GW1 IS HERE!!!!!! OK let’s do it. Let’s just ship these lambs out there -- sorta feels like sending your child out to university... Here are our GW1 full squads:

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

GK:

Alisson an actual Friday morning tinker in. My wife, my lovely wife, looked over at my computer screen and pointed to Ederson saying "I don't like this one.” Last time she did this was during fantasy world cup when she pointed to a one Robert Lewandowski. Naturally I ignored her, with a grin, thinking heh you're fucking dumb you don't even know the rules of football. Little did I know the joke was on me. Well, universe, I have rectified this situation. Alisson is in, will make more saves than Ederson anyway, and, freeing up a City spot for a potential attacker is a little bit cool. Idk.

DEF:

Am on the double pool with Robbo and aforementioned Alisson. Robbo doesn't need much explaining.

Mendy is in, another who hasn't left in a while.

Fat ass fuck Luke Shaw is in my team. I don't want to say much about it. Little bit of diversification and looking at my team I have 0 short term punts so seems I can afford one. It is cool to have the best left back in Europe according to his manager in my team anyway I think? Having a United defender is deece, but fucking hell Luke Shaw. Dunno how I got here. God help me.

MID:

Mo is in, obv.

Eriksen I have stood by through thick and thin. Looking forward to enjoying his steady stream of points.

Ozil I have also somehow managed to keep in through all the tinkering. In the end, he makes me happy. One of my favorite players in the world I just can't get enough of the mantis king. Very nervous about the opening two fixtures for him, but after that, should be smooth sailing. Really hope he just gets 1 assist in first 2 just to keep me calm. We'll see. Overall I just feel like he's going to have a quality season like old times, get assists, get baps, not get illnesses. One time. 

Fourth guy is Jota. Had to have the soup of the day. Helder felt okay and I had him in for a while but in the end the downgrades in defense felt palatable in order to get me into the Jota / 6.5m midfield bracket. Expecting big things for the young lad Diogo this year.

FWD:

Kun is in. Love love love him.

Arnie is in. Love love love him.

Couple great guys just ready to get fantasy points. Really not a ton to say about the lads. Arnie despite bad fixtures I still expect to be in there with some goals hitting on the counter. Feels fine. Kun is Kun.

I have Aboobs Kamara in as third forward. The farthest thing from possible nailedness but could get a couple starts early doors...which is when I need him with bad couple Palace fixtures. He's been good in preseason so let's see if that can translate.

Very annoying with an attacker going against almost literally every one of my four clean sheet possibilities, but, sometimes that's how they line up. Low ceiling for GW1 here...but marathon not a sprint....right? Fack.

CAP:

Mo. Never in doubt.

BENCH:

Stek... Stek is whatever. Ownership is almost 5%..a bit high..but at least he's actually second choice on a somewhat good team which is more than can be said for the other 4.0 GKs.

4.5m midfield is actually a sinkhole of fuck this year. I spent more time than I usually do figuring out which to go for and the wheel has spun and landed on sir Phillip of house Billing. Very nervous about taking up a precious Huddersfield TOWN spot..lol..but he chipped in a couple assists in preseason and appears to have a spot until / unless he loses it. Not as if they have a stacked squad with much comp anywhere, so we'll see. He showed some flashes last season of some quality, so he's in. Really due to lack of another better option.

Last two guys for my bench this week are Sakho and Wannybiz. Dropped my love Patty van Aanholt down to Mom for money, but Mama will be solid. Bap machine should be a solid option for the first couple months as long as he doesn't die. Hopefully Wan keeps his spot and gets a couple price rises in the early going. Will probably not start him much but could see a couple games where I opt to throw 2x Palace defenders out there.

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

GK:

David de Gea.

I had him in last season from I thiiiink GW6 onwards and it was just the absolute best thing ever. Loads of cleans, loads of save points, and even some bonus points... Having a nailed top GK on the nailed biggest bus in the league driven by the world’s biggest bus merchant in the league seems good... Though I gotta admit paying 6m for GK feels a little disgusting...

United on the outside look kinda like a fucked up disaster mess but I’ll believe it when I see it. They’re still the second most expensive squad in the league by a large margin managed by Jose Mourinho. I think they’ll be fine...

On top of that I know that I probably will not want any United mids or fwds in my team looking ahead versus the opposite feeling for Liverpool / City mids and fwds which makes slotting DDG in ahead of Alisson / Ederson feel a little bit smarter there too.

DEF:

I’m a leftback fanatic. Completely love’em. Here we are then:

Mendy is in for me after being fit and positive in the community shield. There’s relatively no competition whatsoever for his starting place which feels amazing and even if there was Walker started basically every match when he was fit, doesn’t seem like Pep rotates fullbacks like Poch does... Love City for a ton of cleans again this season and if Mendy can replicate the form of his three starts last season then we can expect a lot of attacking intent to go alongside those cleans. Love it.

Robbo won the hearts over all Liverpool supporters (like me) last season by just being a complete psycho animal workrate beast while putting in great deliveries and defending well also. Best LB in the prem last season and I don’t think anybody in their right mind would dispute that... Liverpool defense was fantastic once VVD settled in and should be even better with a world class keeper in there too now. Robbo both put up terrific attacking stats and passing the eye-test with his crosses, overlaps, and scampers into the box. Been in my squad since day 1 and has not moved an inch.

Bavies was a late arrival as I shifted away from Bailly and then Smalling and then VVD to eventually land at Ben Davies... With Rose out rumors still flying and Poch’s complete and utter distaste for Danny I feel like Bavies is moving quite nicely towards locking down the spot as his own. As is, he didn’t play in the World Cup and was the guy last season... Spurs are kind of messy and have a lot of away fixtures but I feel like away Newc, away Man. United, away Watford are all pretty decent clean fixtures sprinkled in with home Fulham... When Bavies was regularly starting last season few defenders had more attacking intent. Sorta puntish but let’s get some huge double digit hauls Benny.

MID:

This week I’m rolling out 5 mids because I don’t really like the Palace fixture (Wan on my bench) for a cleansheet.

Salah has not moved since the first day of FPL opening. Easy pick there.

Ozil I waffled in and out of the side playing with Aubz, Mkhi, Laca, Rambo, etc etc because my love of Arsenal attack is very real... In the end Mkhi/Laca make each other not nailed, Rambo is still kinda knocked as usual but I have an eye on him, and Aubz I couldn’t lock down a team I felt good about with all three of Salah, Aubz, and Kun and Mo and Kun were nailed into my side. So here we are Ozil the god.. Hopefully Emery puts him in a good position to succeed and he can have a huge bounce-back year with a chip on his shoulder to waggle his cock in the faces of those racist German fucks.

Jota is almost beyond soup because we’re both so high on him and a ton of people have him in... It feels to me like we’re getting a really seriously good player here in Jota who is essentially OOP forward. He may not start centrally regularly - surely sometimes he will - but he’s also not a “wide winger” he’s very much a left sided forward or wide forward/striker so it’s still sort of out of position. Wolves should be pretty good and pretty fun and Jota is the main fucking man. At worst there are tons of dudes at 6.5 slot to pivot to.

Lucas Moura found his way into my team as I came off of the teet of Mkhi and Bernardo Silva I found the Brazilian butt of Lucas quite comforting... He’s just a good punt to take. He’s always had good attacking numbers, good underlying numbers, and Spurs are obviously a top 6 team... With Son off to the Asian Games after GW1 Lucas should have this spot nailed down for at least a month or so and with pretty good attacking fixtures I like the punt here a lot. It’s definitely a punt but there are a lot of guys to pivot to when the time comes and he’s a good player on a good team who is nailed. Ticks a lot of boxes.

Lastly gonna roll out Cairney this week. If I think it’s a bad fixture for a Palace clean then surely I feel better about starting Cairney then Wan-B this week... Cairney is a good guy, we expect him on pens, and Fulham -- while they have their problems defensively -- should be a pretty good team going forward. Better then a lot of people expect I think... Fulham also reinforced the midfield with two really good CDMs to play behind Cairney to let him just push forward and pull the strings which to me is really positive. 5.0 for what I expect to be a nailed #10 on a middleish quality attacking team... who knows Cairney may just be a starter for me for a lot of the season... Or he might be awful and Fulham might suck and then he’ll be on my bench :).

FWD:

Kun has not moved for ages. Unfortunately he braced in the community shield and his ownership went up like 20%... but still yeah. He’s great. Best City attacker to own by a lot for me.

And I settled on Arnie too. I went off Chaz, I flirted with Tosun and even King, but in the end I’m going Arnie. The stats are so good. And I love Pellegrini and some of the transfers of West Ham and mostly I love the new Arnie we saw last season. From the moment he was playing striker on, a new Arnie was born who even when he blanked looked an incredible, unstoppable force. Some bad fixtures and some good fixtures I reckon Arnie is a set and forget at this time. Go on Arnie.

CAP:

Duh.

BENCH:

4.0 keeper I spent almost no time thinking about I just went with Hamer because I don’t know Huddy only have two guys listed and Lossl isn’t that good and whatever....

Kamara is the obvious 4.5 forward. I don’t think he’ll start many if any games especially with Fulham also bringing in Vietto but Kamara came off of the bench 22 times last season for Fulham which is nice to see... So even when he does not start he seems to be the attacker of choice to be brought on to change a game / get a return. About as good as you can hope for for a 4.5 forward.

Wan-Bissaka excellent pick, should be starting 4.0 defender on a solid side.

And sleeper last guy on my bench this week Trent Alexander-fucking-Arnold the legend god... I got to a point in my team where I could afford to cover Trent with both Cairney/Wan-B for a week or two whatever he needs and then after that once he gets in -- and I expect Trent to start the majority of matches -- he’s a ludicrously good value pick at 5.0, arguably best value pick in the entire game. Let’s not forget when he’s on the pitch he’s not just a marauding RB on a top team who will keep lots of cleans but he’s also on a lot of corners, indirect FKs, AND direct FKs... Just great. And a local lad too. <33333 Trent.

GO ON BOYS!!!!

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh  honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move  against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it. 

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good. 

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv. 

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk. 

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though. 

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both. 

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary. 

5. Karen is still my target. 

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap. 

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk