#had me going through IT

[the-guccidamn]

an open letter to mi luvs

to my dearest harry niall liam louis zayn

happy 10th anniversary!

TEN?!?!?!?!

A DECADE

that is insane

i feel old but im only 22

i really spent my teenage years with you huh

anyway idk where to start

but i have a lot to say for this special day

or rather i have a lot to be thankful for

my memory of how i discovered u is still so vivid, me suffering from the pain of having my wisdom teeth removed which resulted to me searching you on youtube out of the blue. i saw your x factor videos, the funny moments compilations, video diaries, the livestreams, yes and then it went out of hand ever since and i have become a different person.

my junior year is all about 1d 1d and 1d. i was obsessed and was literally going through it. sure it wasnt my first time to be screaming over an artist (hello jobros, jb and many more) but it's definitely my first time being properly exposed to content and the fandom community in which i learned the whole stan culture of dedicating yourself to streaming, voting and counting down for new music. i became so active that everyday u have became a part of my routine. every day i will not be satisfied until i have fulfilled my 1d needs or talked about 1d enough. i listened and memorised all your songs, had everything about you ingrained in my mind. i just couldnt stop being pulled down into that spiral. i even had a fight with my mom because she didnt allow me to join the big 1d race event here in the Philippines. let me tell you how i had to wear sunglasses at church because my eyes are literally puffy and red.

but eventually, i learned to calm down and become as level headed as i can be, or maybe unconsciously academics did all that. but hey that didn't stop my love for you which was still getting stronger as years pass by. i entered college with the possibility of seeing you as my motivation still. and eventually it did happen after my freshman year. it was one of the best day of my life and i couldnt ask for more. although okay tbh i wished i have seen you closer and have seen you as 5. days after the concert, u guys literally broke my heart. zayn left and then u went on a supposedly 18 month hiatus. 18 months my ass lol but i just know it's gonna be a longer one. u were all tired from it i guess and i really understand.

i didnt stop loving you though, quietly i have been cheering you on for your solo releases and all the other things u are busy about. and even though i am currently dedicated to a totally different group right now, you will always have a special place in my heart and you will always have an impact and effect on me (shoutout to harry styles for being the proof of it)

now it's your 10th anniversary, and for this week i have allowed myself to be pulled into the 1d spiral again, allowed myself to be succumbed by my 14 year old fangirl self and boy what a bliss it was.

my timeline is full of 1d again, everything is about u again, and when i saw all your messages, i really felt it was 2013 again.

i miss you so much.

i never really realized how happy you made me until right now. i mean dont get me wrong i know im happy back then, SO SO HAPPY. but i also know that at the back of my mind, it was unhealthy, because at some point i have became too dependent on u.

but u know what, looking back, u really brought me so much happy memories. listening to your discography right now, every memory associated with it are memories that i really wanna be able to experience again.

and it meant so much to me.

i discovered u after such a tough year of my life, literally months after a very heartbreaking loss that i dont think i could completely recover from, and really if i hadnt discover you back then, what couldve happened to me? you literally saved my life and i am so so grateful.

you also taught me a lot of things, perspectives of life that are very much important, and became a way for me to experience new things that made me who i am today.

just…. thank you because you did indeed bring me joy and i felt really loved (i still dont know what i meant by this but it felt so right)

i am proud of all of you and wish u nothing but the best and for you to experience genuine happiness.

a comeback or a reunion would be asking for too much i know, but i really hope u 5 will stay as friends.

i may just be one of your millions of fans but i do know real friendship when i see one. so for the love of all things good, please talk and get that closure you all deserve. you may have known each other for 10 years only but u spent 5 years of it with each other 24 freaking 7, if u havent become family, then why not. lol.

i shall stop my 1d celebration after this letter.

no i am not saying goodbye to me being your fan. I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FAN AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY BOYS.

just i still feel emotional when i go full 1d and listening to ur music really makes me go through it so i dont do it often as before.

but let us meet each other again soon pls

i promise to be closer

i love you all so much

happy 10th anniversary to the band who has became my safety net, my branding during my teenage years, and that band who will always be in my heart.

all the love,

vanessa - styles (yes bitch ure still mine)