#halfworld.mst

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 13]

For something that makes absolutely no sense and conveys nothing of substance, this fic does go on for quite a while. I honestly don’t even remember how many chapters are left, but we’re at least a few more from the end.

There’s a bit of gore in this one.

Recap: Marissa tried to take down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion, accompanied by Wheatley, who was predictably useless, and Rattman, who was also pretty useless (and also died, but whether or not that’s permanent remains to be seen). It was revealed that Chell is actually Rattman’s daughter due to some sort of DNA mix-up. The co-op bots showed up to ostensibly help Marissa, but, after she defeated the Chell/GLaDOS fusion (killing Chell in the process), the bots turned on her and shot her in the head. 

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN OMG I GOT 102 REVIEWS EVEN IF THERE MOSTLY DUM FLAMERZ THATS STILL PRETTY GOOOD FOR A FIRS STORY!

Man, I love her optimism. Raging at your “flamers” is common for badfic writers, so seeing an author be positive about all the reviews she’s getting, even though they’re almost entirely negative, is kind of refreshing.

Unfortunately, MarissaTheWriter dropped this attitude later on, but let’s cherish it while it lasts.

ALSO THANK RAI AN APE SOME THING BECOS THEY GAVED ME SOME REALY COOL IDEAS FOR THE NEW CHAPTERS!

I don’t know who these two are. I’m guessing people who reviewed her story.

PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK!

Well, no, actually, dying is really common for Mary Sue characters. In fact, the original Mary Sue, the character from whom we got the term Mary Sue, died at the end of the fanfiction she starred in. It’s a good way to make your OC look tragic.

PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV

Oh geez. Oh no. I don’t know how much more weird British slang I can take.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER THIRTEN: MARRISSAS RESSUREKSHUN

Yeah, that’s the other thing. Having a character return from the dead has the effect of making them look super special and important, and overdoing that is how we get Mary Sues, so…

This was the most bloody terribel thing ever.

I agree.

Oh, you mean Marissa’s death, not the fanfic itself. I take it back.

Marrisser was died with a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were.

Gross! Thanks for the mental image!

I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed an shouted "YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!"

That’s going to be difficult. He has no arms and they have no genitals. It’s Aperture Science, though, so I’m sure he can find a way.

But I didnt have arms so i cold not hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way.

Yeah, nothing scarier than Wheatley threatening to “wank” you.

Bloody sods. "Marrissa why didnt I was able to safe you! IM SOOOOO SORRY!" An I cried bloody bukets of robottears.

Not sure how that would work, but I don’t need it elaborated on.

It was the end an I thot a bout commitin sewiside like GLaDOS did when a turrent came up to me.

"GO HEAD AN BLOW ME SODDING BLOODY BRANES OUT SO I CAN BE AT PIECE!" I yelled loud at the turrent. "No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!"

Wow, okay, that’s a character I wasn’t expecting to make an appearance. The turrets can’t walk, though (except the frankenturrets Wheatley created, but the oracle turret wasn’t one of those), so I’m not sure how this one managed to approach him.

No bloody way I o-mouthed in all the shock. "How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?" I britished at him for tryin a get my hopes up.

“Stop making up pointless new words!” I Irish-Americaned at the author.

"Rember that she has the speshal powers, one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!" It all made sense, the turrent was a bloody geinus!

Well, they can’t very well feed her potatoes when she’s a headless corpse, so swing and a miss.

"Common lets wankin go!"

Does anyone know what MarissaTheWriter thinks “wanking” means?

The Oracle Turrent ranned fast an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters quikly we grabbed up all of them an got back to Marrissa body.

How are they grabbing things when neither of them have arms?

I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy.

Yeah, sounds pretty gross.

"Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!" The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth.

So she’ll come back to life, promptly choke on potatoes, and die again. Excellent plan.

Then she started coffin an all the blood was got healed.

I hope “coffin” was a pun. On second thought, no I don’t.

"W Wheetly?" She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.

Marissa, give GLaDOS her vocal processor back right now and no one gets hurt.

"Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!" We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff.

I don’t either. I’m going with the turret.

MEANWHILE IN THE PAST

…thinking about whether or not that phrase makes sense is hurting my head. Moving on.

Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson.

Hey, hang on a second. Whose point of view are we from now?

They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight.

I’m going to assume for now that we’re just in third person.

"We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!" The evil Heavy dummed. "No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!" The evil Medik extricated.

Interesting how they know about Facebook although it’s not been invented yet.

All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa when the evil Ingineer got a idea. "I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!" It was a good plan.

Evil clones are always a good plan!

After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose an builded the clone mashine.

Ah, yes, the clone machine.

How are they going to clone her? She left. She’s in the future. Doing something I’d rather not think about with Wheatley.

"But we dont have dna evidance?" Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent.

I doubt that, seeing as he’s Australian.

But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. "I stolled some of her hare just in case we needed it for some thing."

Outside of making evil clones, is there really much use for hair samples?

He frenched an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa.

You cannot use “he frenched” like that. You just can’t.

A few mins later the clonin was done an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa but more evil an mean with angry face.

So she looks like Chell, but meaner and hotter. Alright. I’m into it.

"I am Assiram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!"

Nice backwards name. Oh, sorry. Ecin sdrawkcab eman.

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN?

I recommend getting a group of kids to fight it in a sewer somewhere in Maine.

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE|!

She’s right! Tune in next time for some evil clone and/or evil clown fighting action!

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 12]

Oh yes, friends, it’s back! It’s been entirely too long (two years too long, to be exact) and I hope you’re all ready for some more vaguely Portal-flavored nonsense. 

No real warnings for this chapter, just typical MarissaTheWriter ridiculousness. And canon character death, maybe, depending on whether or not you take the events of this chapter at face value (and, if I remember this story correctly, you probably shouldn’t).

Recap: Chell and GLaDOS have fused into one entity, P-body is pregnant, and Marissa for some reason decided that Rattman is the only one who can prevent disaster even though dude is strictly a non-action guy. She located him and now the two of them are planning on taking down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS? 

That is pretty weird, yeah. 

(I’m not even sure what she’s referencing. Maybe a play on “assault”?)

IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW!

I dunno who Sephral is, but “the buziness guy” is user ASBusinessMagnet (later a recurring character in MarissaTheWriter’s stories; I’m pretty sure we got married at one point), and “Cat Not Bouncy” is Tumblr user catbountry, who was going by “Not Cat Bountry” on Fanfiction dot net and who did a dramatic reading.

PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER!

See, I told you she’d explain that. All makes sense now, right? Perfectly logical writing decision.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE

Bit of a misnomer, since this is not, in fact, the final chapter.

(Actually, if I remember correctly, MarissaTheWriter may have been writing by the seat of her pants; it’s possible she initially intended this as the True and Honest Final Battle.)

Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be. 

Oh my god, she means her lair, not her layer. That literally took me years to figure out. Holy fuck.

Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader. 

Considering what happens when Wheatley actually tries to be the bad guy, I think this is preferable.

We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff! 

Hey, I played Portal 2, I saw the turret assembly line. It’s pretty much autonomous. She doesn’t have to build them herself, and honestly I think she’d find it beneath her.

But maybe things have changed since I left the building.

"INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had.

That’s a phenomenal amount of anger. Surprised Marissa didn’t combust on the spot.

"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you." 

All right! Time for some murder!

Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!" 

I doubt she cares about killing Rattman, considering that she didn’t do so before and that he poses basically no threat on his own. Like I said… non-action guy.

CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case. 

Okay, but does it really shoot bullets? I ask because the turrets use spring-loaded action in order to fire the entire bullet, which is obviously a hell of a lot less effective despite delivering more bullet per bullet. Explains why Chell can take so many hits without dying.

Point being, there’s no evidence Aperture Science knows how guns are supposed to work.

She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure.

But Ratman gotted up! 

What? Is he still alive?

"Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores! 

…I know we’re leading up to a “balls of steel” joke, and I shan’t comment on that, but this raises so many goddamn questions. How do you replace your testicles with personality cores? A personality core is a hell of a lot bigger, and heavier, than a human testicle. Also, Space Core is in space, so how did Rattman get ahold of him? Did he shrink the cores somehow? How did this make him immune to bullets? How did he fit two personality cores in his pants? Why did he need to flash everybody?

My brain is hurting over this and I know it’s only in the story because the author wanted to make a stupid pun. Moving the hell on.

"IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles. 

One of his tentacles? Are we in a hentai now?

"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.

Uh… what? How? I thought Marissa and Chell were both Cave and Caroline’s kids in this story. Wasn’t that established several chapters ago?

"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!" 

Right, we know. How is he hanging on to the portal? Can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.

CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words. 

Did she forget she spent the beginning of this story being a goth emo over the revelation that she used to be human? Like… this isn’t news anymore.

"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys. 

Hey, what the fuck is the “normal way” to have sex with a giant robot? Seriously, please inbox me if you know. It’s for a friend. I swear.

But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died.

Why did Aperture Science have a sperm sample from Rattman on file? How did they get DNA from Caroline, since her physical human body no longer exists? How does Rattman know about the mixup? Who carried the baby to term? How did two white people birth a woman of color? How did two white people birth a woman of color? I don’t know if I brought this up earlier in the MST, but I am directing that question at every “Chell is Cave and Caroline’s daughter” theorist too. You’re not off the fucking hook.

Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!" 

Okay, but we know what happens when Marissa kills Chell — thanks to having consumed the “zombie taters,” Chell will just turn into a zombie. You don’t want the most tenacious woman in the world after your brains, but especially not when she’s fused with the most massive collection of wisdom to ever exist, who also hates you.

I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol. 

That’s actually not the concern I expected Marissa to have. She has no problem killing disabled people, but being fused with a homicidal AI who is using your body as her puppet is A-OK, even when the victim is begging for death?

Man, this girl could use some new priorities.

"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither.

Yeah, and remember how she used to be a well-written and complex character who cannot be reduced to a mere villain and who actually likes Chell so much she keeps writing songs about it?

Sorry, there I go talking about canon again.

"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!" 

Hey, uh, what the fuck? 

I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY!

Who are they here to back up?

"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah! 

I guess that’s reasonable. I, too, feel indebted to those who give me drugs and beer.

We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole.

Co-op mode would benefit from the inclusion of this feature, I think.

"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell. 

Should have attached them better, I guess.

Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..."

“…not to mention, having my butt sliced off after someone used their powers a little too recklessly…”

An she dyed in my arms. "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.

Isn’t Chell gonna turn into a zombie now or are we not doing the zombie stuff anymore? Was that only because she was brain-damaged? This fic is confusing.

I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me.

Oh no! Not a clikclak nose!

"LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head.

I’ve probably mentioned it before, but I love that the author of this mess has no problem writing over-the-top violence but feels the need to censor the word “bitch.”

"Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died.

Love the prose.

TO BE CONTINUED?

Yes, indeed, we’re not done with this fic yet!

OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED!

Oh, yes.

CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER?

Well, seeing as she’s dead, I think it may be a bit late for that.

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN?

She actually did write that spinoff, by the way. I’ll put my MST of it up on this blog at some point.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 8]

And here we are at the end. I hope you’ve all been enjoying the ride, because it’s about to get a whole lot weirder in this, the final chapter.

Warnings this time around: a whole lot of drug use, some underage drinking, DUI but it’s okay because Tiaa is a vampire, bestiality, and an attempted sexual assault. Also did I mention drug use? There’s a lot of drug use.

Recap: Tiaa met a panda bear named Snoofles on her way to school (please don’t think too hard about this) and learned that she can now talk to animals, among other abilities. Thanks to a vague new ability of hers, she accidentally made her mean classmate Lauren get struck by lightning while they were in a verbal spat. Edward finally decided to leave Bella for Tiaa and the two celebrated by having sex in the middle of the school. Bella walked in on them and got upset.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

hey guys sory its been so long since an update, i hav been so busy latley. sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can!

Did she refuse to beta your fic after you stole her poster of Gerard Way?

Chapter 8 - the Kidnap

I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more. 

Tiaa doesn’t care how beautiful she is, but she had to start the sentence off by reminding us all how beautiful she is. And that she looks awesome. And her hair is exotic.

Whatever that means.

Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad. 

Wait, are you mad Edward is attempting to prevent Bella from committing suicide?

how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? 

That doesn’t mean he’s fine with letting her make attempts on her own life, Tiaa.

I was pissed! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. 

I love this goddamn sentence.

So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties and i smoked some drugs and started to weep. 

To be fair, this is a really solid stoner-goth aesthetic she has going.

…wait, hold up, leather panties? 

Leather panties?

dave came in and made a big smiley face.

He’s in a really good mood for someone whose brother was murdered hours ago.

"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick)

Okay, for the sake of argument, I’ll buy that Dave visually mistook a spliff for chapstick… but can he not smell that she’s smoking weed?

"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.

Love how Tiaa is suicidal but still needs to make sure we know how pretty she is at all times. Reminds me of the bit in “My Immortal” where Enoby was flirting while sobbing.

"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff. 

Well, replace “homework” with “getting raped by the relative of a caregiver, turning into a vampire, and accidentally seriously injuring a classmate” and Dave’s on the money.

he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses.

Do I really need to tell this girl to stop humanizing her rapist? She killed him in self-defense! It was one hundred percent justified! C’mon, Tiaa, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Also, nobody cares about Lauren.

"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT (i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)

Well, yeah, that is weird, but I don’t get the woe-is-me attitude about it. Telekinesis is a really cool ability. Also, turns out Dave is literally so dumb that you can be an obvious nonhuman smoking weed in bed while screaming about wanting to die and he’ll take you for an ordinary teenage girl holding a tube of chapstick.

"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) 

…so did the ashtray miss?

"its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! 

I can’t help but feel that the amount Dave and Marie compliment Tiaa on her looks borders on inappropriate, considering she is sixteen and they are her foster parents. 

and i think your boobs hav grown!" 

Case in point.

"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said.

I guess it’s a good thing she’s a vampire, then, since I’m pretty sure vampires can’t get back problems.

Wait. Can vampires get high? Does being high feel different if you’re a vampire?

Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left.

That Dave!

I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) and went out to the local nightclub which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks. 

Listen, I don’t know Washington State, but in my neck of the woods small towns don’t have goth nightclubs. 

I love that she specified the pills were drugs, in case we thought they were sugar pills or something. 

bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! 

If there is a goth nightclub in your small town, I guarantee you everyone has heard of it.

i met snoofles on the way and he came with me. 

You’re taking the panda out clubbing?

we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music. 

…I’m starting to get very confused about Snoofles. My initial impression was that he’s a regular panda bear, but Tiaa is able to communicate with him because she’s a vampire and can talk to all animals now. But I don’t think ordinary pandas go to clubs, get drinks, and dance to heavy metal music.

Although I’ve never met one, so I could be wrong.

ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda, but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.

I adore the similes in this fic. No idea what Tiaa is on but I definitely know what the author means by feeling like there’s snow everywhere in your head.

"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. 

So… not like straw, then.

he was tall. 

Yeah, you mentioned.

he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)

No, it’s good, I dig it. Simple goth on top, bling on the bottom, may or may not be wearing pants? It’s a look.

"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?

"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.

"what is wrong Jasper?" i said

"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay, and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!" 

Of course he’s gay. Look at his outfit! Look at those shoes! I can’t even see him for real and my gaydar is going wild.

"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said. 

"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.

Good on Tiaa for being an ally. I love how Jasper reacts as though he’s never considered the possibility that his gayness might be alright. He’s a vampire too and has been alive for well over a century, so that’s a lot of internalized homophobia… but he’s also been around to witness the entire modern LGBT rights movement, so you’d think he might have gotten the “it’s okay to be gay” message before.

"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay and everything" i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back. 

If you just got a bad feeling about what might happen next, trust your fucking instincts.

he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs.

I really wanna know what they’ve been taking, because even though Tiaa isn’t human I feel like anyone who can get high should have to worry about drug interactions. Weed and alcohol is fine, but aside from that I have no idea what the hell Tiaa is on except that she described it as “pills” and a lot of drugs that come in pill form do not play nice with alcohol. She probably isn’t going to fry her liver or anything like that given that she’s essentially undead, but I doubt she’s immune to having a bad trip.

we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. 

A note: At this point in the story I quite literally had to stop the MST for a bit so I could pour myself a very stiff drink. 

The panda has a car. The panda is having a threesome with a vampire and a human in the back of his car while another vampire drives it. This is treated as normal because the panda and his two human(oid) sexual partners happen to all be gay.

Like, I’d normally feel pretty weird about the “promiscuous gay” stereotype being invoked, but I’m way too busy feeling weird that the author thinks it’s normal for gay guys to want to screw a panda because the panda happens to be gay too. Also, keep in mind Snoofles can only talk to Tiaa — the dudes he’s having sex with can’t understand him. I’m gonna say a panda who behaves like a human and owns a car is probably capable of consenting, but I still feel mighty weird about the idea that two dudes who perceive Snoofles as an ordinary, non-talking panda would want to have a threesome with him.

I guess the promiscuity aspect isn’t even bad considering how Tiaa and Edward have been acting with each other throughout the fic. The bestiality, though, I have trouble overlooking.

(i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!)

Sure, but do you even know how to drive? In most states, it’s not legal to get a learner’s permit until you’re Tiaa’s age, so we’re not talking “experienced driver with superhuman reflexes,” we’re talking “superhuman reflexes, but on somebody who quite possibly has never sat in the driver’s seat of a car before.”

but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and i had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. 

But was his black hair like the black feathers of a black raven in the black darkness? I just want to be clear on the color.

he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword (i often have it with me!) but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me, there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! 

Oh, of course, her samurai sword. Yep. Been with her the whole time.

Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other - it was so cute but now was SO not the time! 

She’s being attacked by a group of ten or more people, who have overpowered her, restrained her, and blindfolded her, in the middle of the road. Three people (well, a person, a vampire, and a panda) are present and they don’t notice this happening at all.

Like… I know they’re all intoxicated and, uh, otherwise occupied at the moment, but did they not at least pause to notice Tiaa slamming on the brakes to avoid colliding with a stranger in the road?

The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me. i was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move.

Tiaa has superhuman strength and reflexes. She has telekinetic abilities. She can affect objects and people by touching them. 

Yet she can’t get out of being chained to a chair?

I call BS.

"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.

She sounds like Wheatley from “ITS MY LIFE!” now.

"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!" he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!

Jacob’s a big dude who can turn into a wolf, but he’s also about fifteen and just learning about the whole werewolf thing, so I doubt he’d be “king” of anything. Also Tiaa could take him easy.

"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted.

I don’t know why she reacted so negatively to Jacob’s response. There is a longstanding vampire/werewolf feud in the Twilight universe, but Tiaa is very newly turned and shouldn’t know about any of that yet. Learning your kidnapper is a werewolf sucks, but if you’re already a vampire you’ve got an edge too.

"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.

"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. 

So… not like rain, then.

"YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! 

I’ve got to change this blog’s name right away. I don’t know what I was thinking naming it “The Half-World” when I could have named it “The Half-Bread.”

Also, hold up — what did Tiaa do to Bella? Is this just about “stealing” Edward? Jacob and Edward aren’t exactly buddy-buddy, and if Bella’s single Jacob has a chance with her, so if anything I think he owes Tiaa a thank-you.

YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!" 

Well, this really does speak for itself.

This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down. 

Sounds like my second-grade teacher. She was the daughter of a well-known Republican senator and she had to resign after she tied a kid to a chair with a jump rope. True story.

But something he said had caugt my attention .

Good job on the punctuation.

"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.

What do you think he meant, genius?

"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" 

I guess this does explain Tiaa’s extra powers, but, I have to say, I don’t think Jacob gets to criticize anyone else for being freaky when he can turn into a wolf.

Of corse! It all made sense now! 

It didn’t all make sense. There’s still an interspecies gay threesome that needs explaining.

I was so shocked I fainted,

and also got my periods and commas mixed up,

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom.

Honest to god I love these similes. 

he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me! 

I think I have an idea, actually.

but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

IT WAS EWDARD!

Here to save the day! And to end the fic, because this is it for “Forbiden Fruit”: BeckyMac666 left us all on a cliffhanger, so we’ll never know what happens.

I do genuinely love this fanfic. I love how it’s written, I love the similes, I love the purple prose and the melodramatic tone, and I love my girl Tiaa. It’s a truly fantastic badfic, and I’m happy I got to introduce others to it, too.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 7]

The penultimate chapter!

Warnings this time include sex, violence, and a few references to what went down in the previous installments. 

Recap: Tiaa learned that her father is a vampire, and that she would become one herself if she had sex with Edward. Guess what she did. (Also, she killed Uncle Larry and drank his blood.)

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

thanx for the revews!

You’re so welcome!

Chapter 7 - Surprises!

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute.

Vampires don’t sleep, and no one wakes up “sheepishly.”

I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie.

Vampires don’t eat breakfast, either. Unless she plans on eating Dave and Marie. I wouldn’t object.

THey look at me and smiles adoringly.

You do have a beta reader, right?

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness.

Marie freaks me the hell out. Why is she so perky?

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before.

If you can possibly imagine that, because Tiaa’s descriptions of herself in previous chapters weren’t exactly modest.

My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac.

So in the Twilight universe, vampire eye color depends on how recently they last fed and what they last fed on. A vampire with human blood in their system will have red eyes; a hungry vampire has black eyes; vampires who eat nonhuman animals (like Edward and his family) have gold eyes after feeding. Tiaa ate Uncle Larry last night, and she’s newly turned, so she definitely has human blood in her body. Her eyes should be red.

I guess her hair’s the same except for the dye job, though, because she used to have multiple colors streaked into her hair and now she just has purple. Not sure how being a vampire would affect that, honestly.

I was radiant and magical and looked awesome.

I love this sentence.

My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed.

I’m just hoping that she still smells like mint and cinnamon.

Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring.

Must be one of those newfangled atomic phones.

Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" and he hung up

Nice vocabulary, Dave. Nice job hanging up on the caller, too.

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling

Why is she always smiling? Is her face stuck like that?

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad!

Yeah, you seem real…

(wait for it…)

…torn up about it.

he was my brother"

Not sure why he needed to remind everyone. Can’t imagine Uncle Larry was a pleasant brother, though, since his entire character consisted of being ugly and evil.

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school.

That’s not suspicious or anything! Actually, wait, it’s Dave and Marie; they won’t suspect a thing.

Also, I pictured her doing this like Gir from Invader Zim.

I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!

No, you totally should have killed him.

I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me.

Wow! Love the description!

it was a bear - a big panda bear!

…this is happening in a small town in Washington State, correct?

it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

She’s not wrong.

But, then again, in the context of this story I guess it’s not too implausible.

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused

You and me both, girl.

"WTF?" i screamed!

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles.”

Well, thank god, because I have no idea how to pronounce that first thing you said.

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously

Why is she angry?

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"

Oh, I get it. So I think I mentioned this earlier, but in the Twilight universe some vampires gain a special ability after being turned — typically an amplification of some ability they possessed as a human. That’s how come Edward can read minds, his sister Alice has visions of the future, his brother Jasper can influence the moods of others, and so on. Tiaa’s ability to communicate with animals comes out of nowhere only in the sense that it wasn’t foreshadowed; the power fits with canon otherwise.

I’m pretty sure one vampire having multiple extra abilities is unheard of, though. There goes Tiaa breaking the rules again. (Though at this point… after all she’s been through… I guess she deserves something good for a change, no?)

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me.

Hey, hold up. How does the panda know all this shit? Like… how does he know who Tiaa is? How does he know about how vampires work? Even allowing that Tiaa can communicate with animals now, how come this one is demonstrating human-like sapience?

You know what, none of this will ever get explained and I’m done thinking about it. Let’s move on.

I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

This power actually makes sense for volatile, moody Tiaa, but it’s not gonna be very useful until she learns to control it. Which might never happen because this girl is an emotional loose cannon. Also we’re on the second-to-last chapter.

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"

Nice going, author. I like how you had Snoofles know things he shouldn’t and then had him not know how he knows those things he shouldn’t. Great writing! Allows you to avoid explaining anything at all!

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles.

I, too, was totally weirded out by your meeting with Snoofles.

I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.

Maybe because they did this every day anyway?

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes.

That is what one typically does in gym class, yes.

i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light.

Being subtle, I see! Good going convincing everyone you’re still human!

Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face.

Did Lauren just try and teabag Tiaa?

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag

I swear this fic has the best similes I have ever seen.

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever

And this is relevant why?

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"

Well put, Lauren.

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.

Nasty! Can’t say I feel bad for Lauren, though.

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren.

Oh, come on. Lauren is just a bully, admittedly, but Uncle Larry was a rapist — a particularly violent one committing repeated rape against a teenager, no less. Killing him was just taking out the trash. And Lauren should be okay-ish after a few skin grafts.

I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.

She headed to an Emilie Autumn concert after school or what?

Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

A voices. One voice, but it’s plural. Got it.

(I wanna make a System Shock joke here but I can’t think of a good one.)

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward.

No one on this planet talks like that. I don’t care what time period you’re from.

i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

…alright, I’m not sure how to react to that.

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness.

I’m pretty sure vampires can’t faint. Did he pretend to faint? Because, if so, that’s really funny.

Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward

“Im trunign into a My Immortal characted!11!11!!1” I yielded depressingly as blod streemed down my iviory fetnures. “Ewdard fangz 4 all da help but not even u can salve me now. I”m gong to go slit my rists with a steak so i can end my live of mizery!112!!!!11111”

“OMS no Tiaa dont go!” Edwerd shooted sadly but it waz 2 latte. I cut miself with da knife and da word went blak.

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

Okay, but like… Edward knows your “uncle” had been raping and beating you repeatedly. The Lauren thing might be considered bad, since her main crime was just being an asshole, but Tiaa didn’t mean to hurt her like that, so it’s not really her fault.

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me

Dude has a point.

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped

Hey, wanna play a drinking game? Take a shot every time Edward starts crying. Finish your drink every time Edward goes immediately from putting the moves on Tiaa to saying he can’t be with her or vice versa. I guarantee you will get very, very drunk.

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"

That’s a reasonable ultimatum except for the part where she propositioned him for sex while they’re in a public area of their high school.

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore!

Get wrecked, Bella.

I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"

See? Was that so hard?

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect.

Get a grip, kids, you’re at school.

I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot.

What part of “get a grip” was so hard for you to understand?

He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

This is shaping up to be a very vague sex scene, huh?

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I didn’t get any girls in high school, but I guess it was probably because I didn’t speak in butchered old-timey English, huh? Nothing gets teenage girls going like a little bizarre grammar!

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook.

I could get analytical about what it means for Tiaa, who was chained to a bed and nearly raped the day before, to develop an interest in restraining her sexual partners… but I’m far more confused by why the hell there are handcuffs laying around in a high school.

he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing.

Why is it lavender? Is he okay?

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth.

I’m far from being a seasoned erotica writer, but if you go from the beginning of the sex act to the climax in a single sentence it really makes it sound like your character came about 10 seconds in. Which, even for a 17-year-old boy, is pretty embarrassing.

The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

I really don’t think it was, actually.

Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE?

It was……………………………. DUMBLEDORE!!11!!!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

It was Bella Swan!

Okay, that had to have been a homage to “My Immortal.” And god bless!

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 6]

Meant to get this done a while ago, but I’ve got a new job and it’s been keeping me busy. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter; it’s probably the most action-packed one yet. 

Content warnings for this chapter include more (attempted) rape, a consensual sex scene (not described), and some violence. And a hell of a lot of nonsense that may hurt your brain if you think about it too hard.

Recap: Tiaa competed in, and won, a school talent contest. Edward was very impressed with her, but Tiaa was still angry about him rejecting her advances back in chapter 4, so she yelled at him and then went and had a cry.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. 

Which probably means it will make no sense now, but we’ll see.

Chapter 6 - the curse

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white Your eyes like amber out of sight Pale angel in my eyes Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

That’s a hell of a poem, but maybe you should stick to prose.

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. 

Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. 

In my original version of the MST I made a comment here about Tiaa needing therapy and antipsychotics. I would have reproduced it as-is, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m making light of mental illness; that being said, as someone who goes to therapy and takes antipsychotics, this girl could use some professional medical attention. Like, pronto.

A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. 

It was… VLODEMORT AND DA DETH DEALERS!!11!1

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned 

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! 

That’s a real shocker after he just called her his daughter.

I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! 

Not positive why he’s screaming this part, but I’ll go with it.

Your in terror and peril my daugher! 

God I fucking love this author’s use of the English language.

Beware the vampire boy called edward!" 

"why?" I said

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! 

Uh… what? Lemme dissect this.

Tiaa’s dad is a vampire. Presumably her mom was not, though I get the feeling mom may not have been human either. Human/vampire hybrids are an established thing in the Twilight universe, and Tiaa clearly isn’t one (just for starters, she’s apparently been aging at a normal rate, as opposed to the highly accelerated pace at which human/vampire hybrids mature), so let’s assume her mom has some other supernatural shit going on. There’s a curse involved, so let’s say she’s a witch or similar. 

Why the hell would there be a curse on Tiaa that makes her turn (presumably irreversibly) into a vampire if she has sex with a vampire? Who caused this? What’s going on? Is it specifically Edward who’s dangerous to her, or would any other vampire pose the same threat? What is defined as “sex” here? Vaginal intercourse?

What a weird plot twist. Moving the hell on.

And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." 

Wait, safe from who? Why would being human make her safer? Would she be targeted specifically for being nonhuman if she were to become a vampire? Why?

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth

Geez, Uncle Larry, at least do something about the mold first.

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. 

Oh, okay, so we finally get a sense of how big and strong Uncle Larry is compared to Tiaa. Presumably Atlantiana “strong and graceful like the running anti-lopes” Rebekah Loren is faster than this guy, though. I feel like she might still be able to outmaneuver him.

He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. 

Where did the chains come from? Did Uncle Larry bring them with him or do Dave and Marie keep bondage equipment in the house?

I new he was going to rape me again. 

That’s an impressive deduction.

But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!

I was gonna make a totally different comment here but it actually just struck me (pun not intended) that this is the most in-character Edward has been yet. If you read Twilight, there’s actually a scene where he saves Bella from a group of guys attempting to corner and assault her. His mind-reading ability and stalker tendencies both come in handy here; it’s not a stretch to imagine he might be hanging about in the vicinity of Tiaa’s house, and he would be able to read Uncle Larry’s mind and know what Larry planned on doing to Tiaa. As ridiculous as him conveniently busting in at the nick of time might seem, it’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do.

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

Never mind, apparently he didn’t actually read Uncle Larry’s mind, or he would have known what the frightful asshole (great phrase) had been doing to Tiaa. So we’re back to the scene making no sense. 

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" 

Edward, man, you’re coming up on 100 years old. You’ve been going through the educational system over and over again for decades. Surely you’ve read some good poetry (by which I mean “surely you’ve read the one or two good poems to have been written in the history of poetry, one of which is definitely ‘The Emperor of Ice Cream’ by Wallace Stevens”) in your time on this earth.

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

"Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. 

Promised because he made a promise. Got it.

Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

That’s what happens when a Mary Sue shows up in your story! Canon characters start acting really weird to allow the Sue to fill a specific role that would otherwise not exist!

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.

I actually think one of the perks of dating a vampire would be being able to pick his brain about pop culture through the ages. Like, it’d be really cool to talk about hip youth culture with someone who has been masquerading as a hip young person for over fifty years; that’s gotta be a unique perspective. But what the hell are the odds of a teenager in the 2000s matching interests perfectly with someone who’s lived through the entire 20th century?

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say

…see, now that’s actually completely solid relationship advice.

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death! 

Uh, her depression (and/or manipulative tendencies?) isn’t his responsibility. On the other hand, though, this is in-character for Edward.

I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. 

I feel like Edward isn’t very good at judging when a girl is “nice and sweet.”

And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. 

This author’s frequent use of purple prose only makes it funnier when she describes something as minimally as this. “It broke.” Brilliant.

He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.

Yeah, could be why.

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore

Girl, you okay?

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. 

Did this boy just get a hard-on from punching a tree?

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. 

I am literally imploring you to use the word “penis” instead.

We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. 

These two have some impressive stamina considering it’s the first time for both of them. I mean, I guess Edward is a vampire, and Tiaa is... Tiaa, but still.

But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

Yeah, he’s like that.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! 

I’ll cut the guy some slack for being eternally seventeen years old, which probably doesn’t come with the best impulse control, but… they had sex for hours, and he only just now started to realize his mistake? 

I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. 

It’s not really shocking, honestly. The entire story has been about Edward’s inability to make up his goddamn mind over whether or not to leave Bella. I’d be angry too, because the constant waffling back and forth is pretty annoying, but… oh, hang on, that actually says she was socked, not shocked. Never mind.

But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! 

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to forget randomly blacking out and having a vision of your vampire dad. That’s the sort of thing that happens so often it’s hard to keep track.

My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood!

She’s turning into Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!”

Well, that’s some real authentic-sounding rapist dialogue.

Also, if you remember my comment from earlier about placing bets on which chapter Uncle Larry dies horribly in, and you bet on chapter 6, congrats! You don’t win anything. I’m out of confetti.

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! 

I don’t normally condone vampirism, but in this case — you go, girl! Give ‘em what for!

i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!

I woulda thought he’d have died once his neck was broken, but if she has enough technique to keep him alive to suffer even with a broken neck, more power to her.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 5]

I can’t fucking sleep. Have more of this nonsense.

Same warnings as before (rape references, some more consensual sexuality that stops shy of actual sex). There’s also a brief mention of self-harm at the very end of the chapter.

Recap: Tiaa went to the beach party, which was boring, but she did meet a few creatively-named goth girls who think she’s cool, so now she at least has friends. Also she and Edward almost had sex but didn’t because it was only chapter 4.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - can i have some reveiws pls

Here you go!

Chapter 5 - the talent contest

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside. 

Relatable, but why?

My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. 

At least it’s nice and empty in there. Plenty of room to stretch out.

the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star. 

Okay, fine, I’m going to comment on the cheerleader thing. Look… Bella being a cheerleader makes negative sense. Her main character flaw (according to Meyer, anyway) is being so clumsy she trips over flat surfaces. She doesn’t possess the coordination necessary for anything physically demanding. Also, she’s explicitly described as being nothing like a cheerleader in the first Twilight book, if memory serves.

It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened.  

Don’t know why this is presented as a secondary concern to being picked on by cheerleaders.

Is there a reason Tiaa can’t tell anyone about what’s going on with Uncle Larry? Like, I can think of a lot of potential reasons why she might not be able to seek help here, but we aren’t given any reason, so it’s a mystery. Also, is she at risk of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI, or is she being hurt badly enough to require medical attention? This guy is pretty violent and persistent, but her encounters with him are barely described at this point, so we don’t really know what’s been going down.

Which is probably a blessing.

Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass. 

Yeah, he’s like that.

I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders - i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. 

Hold up a second. There are four cheerleaders. Counting Tiaa, there are four goth girls. So why is this portrayed as some sort of unequal battle? Both groups are the same size, and I assume Tiaa’s group has an edge because she’s a Mary Sue and the Sue always has an edge, so… why haven’t they sent the cheerleaders packing yet?

I wasn’t really picked on in high school, but I was picked on lots in middle school, and it was always about numbers. I didn’t have any good friends to back me up, so I was an easy target. If it was just one kid going after me I could hold my own just fine, but when I got ganged up on there was a problem. Having a few losers hurl insults at you when you have your own crew of losers to back you up isn’t a bullying problem because there’s no power imbalance. It’s just kids being rude to each other. It’s certainly not on par with, let alone worse than, being raped by an adult man when you’re sixteen.

I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

Oh boy. 

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail 

So I only vaguely remember the talent show, but I’m pretty sure what happens is that Tiaa does compete, and she wins, and Edward loses his mind over it or something. I seem to remember an encounter in Edward’s car after the talent show, too, but we’ll get to that when we get to that.

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!" 

"I dunno maybe" I pimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

I feel like I’m watching a made-for-TV teen movie on Disney Channel, except this one has a lot of rape in it and also the love interest is a vampire. And the protagonist pimples mutely, whatever that means.

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. 

On the bright side, at least Tiaa’s competition is bad so she doesn’t have to be unrealistically amazing in order to win here. On the not-so-bright side, we all know Tiaa is going to be unrealistically amazing anyway and that Bella and her friends are being made to look bad in order to ultimately break up Edward and Bella’s relationship.

At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.

I would too if a guy I didn’t know that well stared at me the entire time he was making out with his girlfriend. Fuckin’ weird.

The principal caked up on the stage and said

Hang on. He caked up?

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

Edward put her name down for it, right? I mean, I’m guessing from context that it wasn’t one of her friends who did, even though they all encouraged her to perform. If it was Edward, though, what did he reckon she’d do? Her friends at least have heard her sing, but as far as Edward knows Tiaa’s only talent is… looking pretty, I guess.

I sang total eclipse of the heart (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. 

Or something.

I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels. 

I mean, sure, but you just criticized the cheerleaders for dressing in revealing clothes a few paragraphs ago.

the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends

They clangled? You went to sit on your friends?

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!”

Yep, it was Ewdard. 

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically. 

Is the principal okay?

I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. 

What about the other two cheerleaders? Were they converted to Team Tiaa by all this?

My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy. 

Both of you need to calm down.

I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

For real, what happened to the other two cheerleaders?

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard!  

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech. I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight. You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" 

I know the author is trolling, but I love the idea that this is what teenage girls find hot — a dude who talks in anachronistic Ye Olde English and gets boners from watching you sing. Because that’s normal.

Actually, I did read a fic once that seemed to be intended as serious erotica, and one character switched into Ye Olde English as soon as the sexy stuff began. And by “sexy stuff” I mean torturing and murdering a Yu-Gi-Oh character. No accounting for taste, I guess.

he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt. 

He’s driving, so probably best to leave that alone.

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"

At least someone is in character.

"how mature" I said sacastically. At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face

Seems a tad hypocritical when you were considering going for the dick-grab a minute ago.

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

All of this would be a perfectly reasonable gripe except that Tiaa acts the exact same way. I’ll cut them both a little slack — Tiaa for being sexually abused, Edward for internal conflict over whether or not to leave his girlfriend — but, come on, pot calling the kettle black.

"its complecated tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"

Can’t argue with that. Mostly because “despisable” is not a word.

"its me or her "i said bluntly

"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept

And I take it polyamory is off the table, because it always is.

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"

"my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

Though I’m glad that this fic at least avoids the cliché of having the Sue figure out that Edward’s a vampire way in advance, it seems odd that she’s given basically no thought to the possibility that he’s inhuman after he’s claimed to be a vampire multiple times.

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

I’d think she’d have noticed too, but she seems incapable of noticing anything’s weird about Edward. The Ye Olde English doesn’t strike her as unusual? His looks aren’t odd? What about the change-color eyes? Mind reading? Really, dude isn’t very good at keeping up the human illusion, which is probably why he and his family typically keep their distance from humans. But there I go talking about canon.

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body. 

Oh yeah, and the temperature thing. I know some people run cold — I’m one of them — but we’re not talking 97 degrees instead of 98; dude is probably room temperature all the time, since he’s essentially dead. Tiaa doesn’t think that’s weird and inhuman?

i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.

Like a reel goff.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 2]

So it turns out I’m a dirty liar who can’t get his act together in a timely fashion. But at least I’m here now! And, boy, is this a chapter!

Just as a heads-up, things get a little sexual in this chapter, and consent isn’t established beforehand, so it does read as a bit iffy. 

Recap: Sixteen-year-old Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, referred to by the nickname “Tiaa” with two As for some reason, has just started school in Forks. She’s living with new foster parents who we haven’t met yet. Also she is ethereal and smells like mint and cinnamon. The chapter ended with her bumping into Edward on the way to class.

Chapter 1

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.

I actually really like this fic, so I shan’t be leaving. Also, Vincent’s review was actually fairly positive; he said it’s awful and he’d like to see more of it, please.

Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on.

Both of these reviewers called Tiaa a Mary Sue and one linked her to a Mary Sue litmus test. 

I probably don’t need to say it, but Mary Sues don’t need to be perfect, just presented unrealistically. Sure, stereotypical examples are all gorgeous, multitalented teenage girls who steal the spotlight from the canon cast (Tiaa’s basically that stereotype, possibly minus the multitalented bit since that’s not been established yet), but there are loads of Mary Sue characters who don’t fit that mold exactly, or at all. I talked about the “anger problems” thing last time, and even if her looks are justified (spoilers: they aren’t, really) they’re still being dwelled on way too much. We don’t know much of anything about Forks, Tiaa’s peers, or even Edward, but we know Tiaa smells like mint and cinnamon. It’s a classic case of an author being so invested in a character that her priorities as a writer are completely off. Or it would be if this wasn’t a trollfic.

Chapter 2 - edward

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes

"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride”

My initial thought was that the author meant “sweetly” instead of “sweatily,” but I actually think “sweatily” works better because Tiaa’s probably perspiring over how hot the pale guy is. Also, come to think of it, you can totally say something sweatily and I think it’s an adverb we should all be using more often.

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.

You see what I mean about how incredible this fic’s prose is? We just went from mangled Ye Olde English to “cockdropping” in the course of a single sentence.

No idea what “cockdropping” means but it definitely ought to be a word. BeckyMac666 is the next Shakespeare or Carroll, honestly. Voice of a generation right here.

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?”

Get used to that typo; Edward gets called “Ewdard” a hell of a lot in this story. Think Enoby from “My Immortal.”

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. 

That typo, on the other hand, only happens once to my recollection.

I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.

There’s a lot happening in that simile. Possibly too much. 

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""

And thou art poorly written, Ewdard.

Not sure how I feel about the mental image of Edward vomiting up a hand and brushing Tiaa’s cheek with it, but it probably did improve the sentence.

"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" 

Shanky?

Just for fun, and in case anyone reading this avoided exposure to Twilight itself, let me talk a little about Edward’s portrayal so far. First off, the Ye Olde English makes no sense — Edward was bitten after falling ill during the 1918 swine flu pandemic, if memory serves, so his speech would be modern (albeit antiquated) English even assuming he didn’t pick up any phrases from being around modern teens. Second off, Edward is really disinterested in… well, everyone but Bella, and with Bella he initially freaks out because he doesn’t know how to deal with being attracted to a human. (Do I date her? Do I suck her blood?) Even if I go with the notion that he’s also into Tiaa, we know this isn’t how he behaves around someone he likes. And he’s a mind-reader, so presumably he knows what Tiaa’s thinking and could shift his behavior accordingly — except that I have a bad feeling Tiaa, like Bella, is immune from having her mind read.

The flowery descriptions are straight outta Twilight, though.

I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.

Sounds painful.

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. 

I mean… it’s a small school, it’s not weird that she saw you. Someone so pale he looks like printer paper tends to stand out. Also she never claimed not to have noticed him.

I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! 

The boy wastes no time, I see. Be nice if he asked first, but… in a fic like this, I don’t know what I was expecting.

Side note: yes, this is incredibly out of character. Edward is a save-it-for-marriage kind of guy, and he’s got practical reasons — the strength difference between a vampire and a human means it’s easy for somebody (the human) to get accidentally hurt.

I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. 

Can’t say that I either understand or relate to that.

I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. 

By this point I think we’ve moved beyond “tempation.”

He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. 

His… man-carrot. What a fic this is!

And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. 

I can’t really say anything to make this sillier except that I think all this is still happening in the locker room of a public high school. Also they just met.

We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? 

It took her ten minutes to think of this? I mean… I’ll cut her some slack, they are (presumably) alone, she’s only sixteen, and she’s very attracted to this guy. But c’mon, how did it take her this long to think “wait a minute, maybe it’s bad to engage in foreplay at school with a guy I just met who is dating somebody else”?

I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! 

Why is his coldness being treated as a selling point here?

I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.

To be fair, she didn’t really do anything. He instigated, and she just… went along with it, I guess. I wouldn’t be that ashamed. He’s the one with the girlfriend.

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. 

I too think it’s hot when random boys start undressing me in public and then act like it’s my fault somehow while speaking in bad Ye Olde English! So aroosing!

(I’m joking. Please no one do this to me. I will call my lawyer.)

At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! 

Really didn’t need to know the panties bit.

I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.

"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

So Edward thinks Tiaa’s a vampire? While that could potentially explain some things, it also raises a hell of a lot more questions.

Like… maybe Edward felt justified in coming on strong thinking Tiaa was a vampire and therefore on equal footing with him (as opposed to how he acts with Bella). Doesn’t really fit with his character, but I’ll go with it. But Tiaa doesn’t appear to be a vampire, and so this… complicates things. A lot.

Vampires, in the Twilight world and in most myth, don’t age, yet Tiaa claims to have had a normal (albeit bad) childhood and to be only sixteen chronologically. Maybe she’s an unreliable narrator, but, if so, why is she pretending to be human, and why pull a reveal this early in the story? It also doesn’t explain her lack of other vampiric traits; she hasn’t talked about craving blood or even smelling it, her eyes are blue (Twilight vamps have black eyes when hungry, red after feeding on humans, or gold after feeding on animals), and she has no superhuman ability that we know of. 

I guess Edward really can’t read her mind, or he’d know she’s not a vampire, but why isn’t he bothered at not being able to get a read on her? And are we really supposed to believe Tiaa is just so extraordinarily beautiful that a vampire assumed she was also a vampire? Because… wow.

"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

Wow, owned.

"thy a CAMPIRE tia! 

Gay vampire who’s into drag and musical theater?

a VAMPIRE! 

Which is it?

BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? 

Oh, he actually is bothered by that. Got it. I thought the author had forgotten Edward can read minds. Sorry, BeckyMac666, I don’t give you enough credit.

I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"

He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red.

Isn’t Buckly Fist the guy who writes Ctrl+Alt+Del?

I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. 

Good fight scene. I like that she schlepped (made a reluctant or arduous journey) him across the face rather than slapped him across the face. And that he hammed (overacted) her against the wall rather than slammed her against the wall. And… all the other typos.

His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. 

Dunno what this means but it sounds a bit British.

My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs and he drubbed over in pan. 

Massive throbbing gigglestick.

I.

Wow.

Good fic.

I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.

There’s a lot going on here and none of it makes sense but it’s all rather evocative.

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes. 

Why did he throw his shirt over her face? Dude’s superhumanly fast! He could have just grabbed her if he wanted! Also, he thinks she’s a vampire, and a shirt definitely wouldn’t slow her down if she was one!

I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.

Interesting mental image.

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! 

“Rut” as a verb refers to a mating ritual that deer and some other mammals engage in. It’s not actual mating, or anything similar to what Tiaa and Ewdard just did; it’s when males fight each other for access to females. So far as I know, this is not a Ye Olde Worde for Sex or Rape or Throwing Your Shirt Over Someone’s Head.

I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"

I mean… yeah, he’s not wrong.

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. 

Hoping that “snaped” is a “My Immortal” reference.

I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt. 

I actually like the detail here. A goth girl assuming that she’s being called a vampire not in a literal sense but as a comment on her fashion is… kind of funny.

Not gonna comment on that innuendo because honestly I don’t think I can say anything to make it more absurd.

I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over. 

It’s a good thing you said “no joke.” I would have assumed you were joking otherwise. Y’know, the old “my scar is glowing gold!” gag.

The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)as he gazed longingly after me. 

I’d maybe be more inclined to side with Tiaa on this one if she hadn’t just went along with it when a strange boy made sexual advances towards her. This dude just helped her to her feet while looking at her weird. And, to be fair, she’s not wearing a shirt.

In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean.

I think it means you’re in a badfic? Could be wrong.

AN what do u think PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in!) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x

If anyone knows what language this is PM me the translation.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! Will Edward give in to tempation? Oh, wait, he already did, never mind.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 3]

I have to warn you all that this chapter has a rape scene in it. It’s completely ridiculous, and I really don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Proceed with caution.

Recap: Edward gave into tempation and tried putting the moves on Tiaa. She went along with it at first, but then pushed him away because they were in public and Edward already has a girlfriend. Edward seems to think Tiaa is a vampire, even though she doesn’t appear to be and his thinking she is doesn’t really make sense. 

Chapter 1 Previous chapter

AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! 

That’s a bit worrying.

thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! 

Hey, you never said she put her shirt back on! Actually, you also described Edward ripping it off her, and we know it’s made out of fishnet, so… I kinda doubt she still has a shirt left to put back on.

one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!

I can’t imagine not liking this story. I’m being serious. It’s a masterwork. It’s right up there with “My Immortal” in my eyes.

NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off!

I think the point is to annoy the author. Which appears to be working.

Capter 3 – uncle larry

Wow! Really looking forward to the capter!

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! 

Just me or is she a tad fixated on his hair?

Also… Tiaa isn’t the sort of girl who blends in, and she knows it. She’s aware that she’s pretty and she’s used to getting attention — both positive and negative — because of her looks. She’s also loud (she yelled at Edward when he bumped into her), and she dresses in a manner that… well, let’s just say most small-town high school students don’t dress like Tiaa. This girl isn’t ordinary and she’s well aware of it. Why the false modesty?

But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. 

Not only has she not met Bella yet, she hasn’t heard anyone talk about Bella either, so I don’t know how she came to the “she’s a mean girl with an ugly heart” conclusion.

But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

"its Mike nooton from your class! 

She hasn’t met Mike yet either, unless that happened in the deleted scenes or something. I guess, if he called her house phone, that he could have got Dave and Marie’s number out of the school directory… but this seems a little weird if they’ve literally never met.

I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? 

To clarify, he is talking about a beach. He means La Push. Stuffed animals are probably not involved.

Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

I can maybe buy that a high school boy is desperate enough to ask a random pretty girl to a party with him in the hopes that maybe it’ll kindle some sort of romance, but this is a really bad way to go about it. Asking out a girl you’ve never met is… not the best plan. Why not just frame it as inviting her along because she’s a new student and it would be a good opportunity for her to hang out and make friends? You don’t have to be explicit about your crush before you’ve even had a conversation with her.

Also I think Mike is already dating Bella’s friend Jessica, but fuck her, I guess.

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

"you mean bella and jessica's gang? 

I’m gonna wait a bit to talk about how weird it is that Bella is hanging with a “gang” of cheerleaders, but like… why does Tiaa know Mike hangs out with them? Again, this is their first conversation, and (as far as we know) the first time she’s even heard of him.

Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. 

He’s maybe undermining his own point there.

And they can be mean sometimes.-"

So… like anyone, then?

"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! 

Oh, Tiaa, you and I were on the same page until you pulled the fake modesty card. Besides, isn’t this a bit of an overreaction? He asked you to hang out with him at the beach, it’s not like he’s proposing marriage or anything.

And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!"

What exactly does she mean by “screwed up in the brain bran”? Like, are we talking legitimate mental illness, or is this just teenage angsting? And, in either case, what exactly is her problem that makes her undateable? This is about the vaguest possible rejection, and I don’t know if she’s implying something is actually wrong with her or that she’s just Not Like Other Girls.

"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! 

That’s your only reason? She’s pretty? Weren’t you saying something about cheerleaders being shallow a minute or two ago?

How can't you have noticed that? 

Decent point, actually. If your character is dropping jaws and turning heads with her beauty, either she’s aware she’s beautiful or there’s a reason she doesn’t realize. Like… maybe Tiaa thinks the people staring at her are doing so because of how she dresses, not because they think she’s pretty. Tiaa has actually seemed pretty aware of her effect on others throughout, though, so unless she’s just playing modest around Mike for some reason this scene doesn’t make any sense.

And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! 

He’s not even gonna ask for clarification on that?

Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "

The argument he’s making would probably be way more convincing if this wasn’t, you know, their first conversation ever.

"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.

Oh, come on.

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. 

Yeah, I guess when compared to the weird dude who tried to fuck you in a locker room and threw a shirt at your head Mike really isn’t worth a second thought.

Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. 

My mistake, they were in a hallway, not a locker room. Not sure if that’s better or worse, but, depending on how busy that hallway normally is, it’s probably worse.

I creamed myself. 

Didn’t need to know that.

My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. 

I mean… she didn’t, really. She went along with his advances up to a point, and it doesn’t really show good judgement on her part, but he was the one acting like a “hore” in this situation. Putting the moves on a random girl in a public space when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Keep it classy, dude.

I was scared of the affect he had on me.

Effect. “Affect” is a verb. Nice sentence otherwise.

(Okay, if you’re a grammar pedant, “affect” isn’t always a verb… it can also be a noun, when we’re talking in a psychology context, which Tiaa isn’t.)

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.

Convenient. Two less characters for the author to have to deal with.

Wait, no, oh my god, I just remembered what happens in this chapter.

"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!”

I… okay, that’s some natural dialogue.

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. 

Come on, girl, it’s just a compliment! Not like she’s hitting on you! At least I hope not.

I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking.

I kind of like that Tiaa is a goth girl who likes bright pink. There are plenty of real-life goth girls like that, but you pretty much never see them in fanfiction.

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"

You know “leaven” is what you do to bread to make it rise, right?

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!

Freudian slip? I mean, she is pretty embarrassing.

Marie smiles and leaves the house.

Marie doesn’t give a fuck, it seems.

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face

You know he’s a bad guy because he’s ugly. That’s how it works!

"Hey - i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?”

Nice to meet you too, Uncle Larry.

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears

"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly

I’ve just thought of a fun game. There are five more chapters left. Let’s all place bets on which chapter Uncle Larry will get horribly murdered in.

I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! 

I know the implication is he’s watching her in a pervy way, but if I was making someone wash my car and I didn’t particularly like them I’d keep an eye on them too.

After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face

"wft!" i shouted

What Fuck The?

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!

I really don’t want to be laughing at a rape scene, because rape is one of those things that’s just inherently unfunny, but… this is testing me. I mean, an entire half hour of spanking? The dramatic announcement that he began raping her after he forcibly stripped her naked and spanked her for thirty minutes, as if this is a surprise? The fact that all of this is happening in plain view of any neighbors Dave and Marie might have? Good lord. I truly do not know how to react.

I also have to wonder why Tiaa makes little attempt to fight back here. It’s pretty reasonable to freeze up when you’re violently attacked, but Tiaa has proven that she’s both capable and willing to fight off anyone she perceives as a threat (kung fu babie!) previously in the story. Is Uncle Larry too physically powerful for her to win against? We don’t really know how big he is compared to her, and Tiaa has been described as strong and fast previously. Both of them are unarmed, and, if there are neighbors, the noise should alert someone to what’s going on (Tiaa has been shouting/screaming throughout). Why is he getting away with all this? Oh, right, plot reasons.

"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! 

Shocker.

The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. 

Didn’t need to know about his dick, thanks!

I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. 

Wait… hours? This guy has impressive stamina.

I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.

“Seething darkness of the midnight street” is a pretty good phrase, actually. I mean, super cheesy and doesn’t really mean anything, but if this was lyrics some alt-rock band wrote I’d accept it.

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. 

It was… VLODEMONT AND DA DETH DEALERS!

I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

It was… VOLSEMORT IN A WIG AND DA DEATH DEELRS!

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

Well, we all saw that one coming a mile off.

"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

I hope she whispered the acronym instead of saying “oh my god.” Her dad will be totally confused! Old people don’t know how acronyms work!

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 4]

I’m on a roll.

There’s more rape in this one; it’s not really described in detail, though. There are also references to what occurred in the last chapter, and an instance of mostly consensual sexual activity (although it stops short of actual sex).

Recap: Last chapter, Tiaa’s foster parents Dave and Marie left on a trip, leaving her in the care of “Uncle Larry” (Dave’s brother), who promptly began beating and raping Tiaa. After one such incident, she ran off into the woods and encountered a strange man who claimed to be her father before blacking out.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that!

I never got the whole “don’t like, don’t read” thing. How can you know if you like it if you haven’t read it?

btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.u flamers arent even makin sense1

Having bad things happen to your character doesn’t make her less of a Mary Sue. Loads of Sues have tragic backstories. Look at Batman.

Chapter 4 - la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy.

That’s actually pretty in-character for the guy, if I remember the Twilight Saga correctly. He’s nice, but not very interesting. I think Bella even made the puppy comparison at one point.

My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

So uh… what happened after she blacked out in the woods? Was her dad gone when she woke up? Did Uncle Larry do anything else to her after she returned home? Did she return home?

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything

You know her name! You’ve called her by name before!

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

Think this is the author calling out her flamers or what?

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed.

Man, I love this fic. “RAT HOOKER” is a great insult.

She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.

I don’t remember Jessica that well from the books, but I think she was described as short and a chatterbox. I don't think she was a cheerleader or had a particular fondness for pink. Also she was dating Mike at one point after Bella set them up with each other.

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted

Wait, so are they sluts because they wear revealing clothes or because of their behavior? Because right here it seems like Mike is criticizing them based on how they dress, which is a bit weird when we remember Tiaa also wears revealing clothing (“fishnet top” ring a bell?).

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.

I don’t remember a damn thing about Lauren or Angela but I remember they both existed. One of them was definitely shy but I don’t remember which.

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!

Remember in chapter 1 when Tiaa talked about how she used to be self-conscious about her appearance but got over it and now doesn’t care what people say about her?

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

If you don’t have that MCR song playing in your head right now I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

Oh, of course, the Sue’s backup choir.

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"

I like the idea that Tiaa could be multiple friends.

Judging from the names, these three are children of that white mom whose baby name photo went viral on the internet. The one who named her kid Lakynn or something.

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities “

“That’s why we made sure to talk about how pretty we think you are.”

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool.

How long was that again?

I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech.

Glad we skipped the scene where Tiaa has fun with her friends so that we can get back to the part where Uncle Larry assaults her again. Nice to see the author prioritizing.

It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again.

Phrasing seems to imply that if he raped her in a different location it would be alright.

Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

I hope “soddenly” is an intentional double entendre.

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time.

Who could this be?

Edward.

Never would have guessed!

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.

Wait, every gay at school? Including the gay boys? This girl is powerful.

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"

Uh… the fic would go in a direction I don’t expect it to and it might be redeemed somewhat by at least being less predictable?

"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"

Use of OMG may seem anachronistic, but that abbreviation has actually been in use since the early 1900s, so it’s totally reasonable that Edward might use it. Although probably not out loud.

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind.

I think he’s sending mixed signals.

I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him.

So deafly?

He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear.

Again, I hope that’s innuendo, but in this fic it’s actually possible the author thinks “suddenly” is spelled like that.

I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.

Nothing turns a guy on like naked heaving beasts!

"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire

No one in this fic has any self-control whatsoever, huh?

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no!

Okay, I guess Edward has a tiny bit of self-control. Which is good, as he is a vampire and would probably be eating people left and right if he was totally unable to control himself.

I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside.

Bread, eggs, milk, squick. Uncle Larry seems more interested in hitting Tiaa than raping her, incidentally.

Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.

Aw.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic

I was talking to an online friend on Twitter not too long ago, and the subject of bad fanfiction came up. My friend had been reading “My Immortal” and losing his shit over it. I asked if he’d read “Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen” and it turned out he had not. He’d never even heard of it.

Indeed, while this story is one of the best-known badfics out there, it’s still considerably less popular than “My Immortal” is, and I think that’s a damn shame. This may be my personal favorite work of bad fanfiction; it’s a fantastic example of the “so bad it’s good” genre. Author BeckyMac666 writes like no other English-language writer has ever written, and this is both a good and a bad thing. She’s almost certainly a troll, given the blatant use of established badfic tropes and several parallels with “My Immortal,” but when you’re this good at being terrible it really doesn’t matter how serious you are about it.

For the record, there are folks who believe that this fic and “My Immortal” share an author, due to the aforementioned parallels. I personally don’t think that’s true, since the prose is very different, but if it amuses you to imagine that they’re written by the same person, be my guest.

Like virtually all Twilight badfic, this story is about a mysterious new girl arriving in Forks and shaking up Bella and Edward’s relationship by creating a love triangle. As usual, Bella is made out to be completely awful in the process, Jacob is largely forgotten about, and the protagonist may not be entirely human herself. This is far weirder, and more entertaining, than your average shitty Twilight fanfiction, though. Mark my words.

I first MSTed this fanfiction back on the old WordPress version of this blog, but, as that was a long time ago and I like to think I’m funnier nowadays, I rewrote most of my comments. It’s not wildly different, but hopefully it is an improvement over the old version.

AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time!

I have no idea what the unedited version of this thing looked like, but I honestly can’t imagine it being any more ridiculous than the final story.

btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok !

Use spellcheck, you fool! Or get a proofreader!

no critisism pls!

Oops.

tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL!

The Tara parallel here is probably intentional. Zac never gets mentioned again, much like Tara’s boyfriend, but Tiffi isn’t Becky’s beta reader and they don’t have a spat partway through or anything of that sort.

EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!)

Honestly, I think this is how all fanfiction should open. Just tell me straight-up what character you wanna bang before the story’s even started. Save us all some time.

love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

Aww. That’s kinda cute.

UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!)

Yeah, Vickie, thank you. Looks like you’re doing a great job and you’ve got everything under control here.

i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.

Since this fic got “abandoned,” subsequent chapters have not actually been improved. Not that one can tell, anyway.

Altantiana

Yes, that is a typo of her OC’s name. Off to a great start.

Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).

Virtually no one calls her Tiana during the course of the story. Just so you know. “Tiaa” isn’t a typo, either, though I have no idea why the author felt the need to add an extra A.

Notice the middle name? Subtle.

I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington!

This actually makes her a year younger than Bella, for the record.

My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.

It’s pale and it’s pale? Also, gold and amber are not the same color.

My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.

I’ve been complimented on my fentures before too, but it’s nothing worth bragging about.

I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story.

Well, gee, after that modest description of yourself I’m shocked that boys think you’re attractive, Tiaa. You sounded so plain and ordinary.

Am guessing that the girls who don’t tell a different story are gay.

They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)

I hate when girls pick on me for being too ethereal.

Even though we’re using the “attractive character looks anorexic but isn’t” trope, and that’s obviously not so great, I guess it’s nice that Tiaa/Becky took the time to point out that the comparison is disrespectful to people who actually have anorexia or another eating disorder.

The bit about Ellie Mayfair is one of the best things I’ve ever read. I hope you guys all understand why I had to run this fic now.

Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me!

Ah, the “skinny yet improbably busty” body type. Strangely more common in fiction than in real life.

Tiaa totally does care who stares at her, by the way. As we’ll see shortly.

I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. I smell like mint and cinnamon.

I have no idea why we’re supposed to care about any of this, but I’m particularly unclear about why we should care what she smells like.

I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music!

Tiaa’s specific music taste never comes up, to my recollection, but I’m betting My Chemical Romance is involved.

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family.

Yeah, Tiaa is adopted. This is sort of plot-important later on, but we never get to learn much about her life prior to Dave and Marie.

I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much.

I mean… you just moved in with them.

My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him.

Foreshadowing!

Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall.

Presumably because she’s too ethereal.

I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it.

That could have something to do with why they’re staring.

I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak!

God I love this author’s writing style. Truly, no one has ever written like this, before or since. BeckyMac666 is one of the unsung geniuses of our time.

Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore!

Most of the rest of the story is about various people messing with Tiaa. For the record.

My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.

I’m a pretty big fan of the phrase “cloud-embittered,” although it is of course completely meaningless.

Hey, uh… why the hell hasn’t she gotten dress coded? I went to a private school and I guess our dress code was a bit stricter than most, but most high schools will get upset at teenage girls for not covering their knees and shoulders, let alone having any undergarments visible. Tiaa’s entire bra is showing through her fishnet top. This is a situation in which I think it’d be reasonable to ask her to change.

My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life.

I don’t know why we’ve gone right back to (over)describing Tiaa, but I do think I should delete my entire OkCupid bio and replace it with this opening chapter.

Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl.

Could’ve fooled me!

I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it!

That’s nothing. I had a dream once where I explained the meaning of Nirvana lyrics to somebody (obviously not possible in real life), and I couldn’t remember my explanation when I woke up either.

I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color!

I’d like to remind you that this is set in the Twilight universe. It’s already got magical creatures, and there are rules established about their abilities, appearances, and behavior. Tiaa is clearly not quite human, but she doesn’t seem to be a vampire, a half-vampire, or a werewolf. She’s completely unique within her universe, for no defined reason, and the rules governing other nonhumans don’t apply to her.

Like, the physical description and the obvious homage to “My Immortal” already made it clear that this girl is a Mary Sue, but this author clearly gets that Sue status isn’t just about looking unreasonably pretty. It’s about defying the rules of canon. Tiaa’s outstanding at that, as you’ll see later on.

I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people.

God, what a sentence.

I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire.

Something like… bad writing?

The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!

There are so many bad fanfics where the prose is bare-bones, with few or no adjectives/adverbs and simple sentence structure. BeckyMac666 tends in the opposite direction, and it’s awesome. Everything is phrased as though it’s super dramatic, nonsense metaphors abound, and our author has clearly never met an adjective she didn’t like. Hey @ aspiring trollfic authors: take note. This is how you write an entertaining badfic.

At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me.

Also a big fan of how Tiaa always talks about herself as though she’s checking herself out.

It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him.

Kind of like an erection only she’s a girl so she didn’t get one you sicko.

I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt!

Foreshadowing! Again!

A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant so i thought well whatevah, hes taken.

Straight-up one of the greatest similes I’ve ever seen. Like, I study English literature and I don’t think I’ve ever read a metaphor better than that one. I’m not joking, it’s brilliant.

She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low.

The modesty act might be a little more convincing if we hadn’t just read several paragraphs of Tiaa talking about how hot she is.

So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there.

Hey, what’s a “bald drug”? I go to a liberal arts college and I’ve watched the entirety of Breaking Bad multiple times, so you think I’d have heard of it.

As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine.

Musk is a substance some male animals secrete for scent-marking purposes. The word comes from the Sanskrit for “scrotum.” Thought you all should know.

I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class.

This bitch just hotboxed a locker room on her first day of school. 

I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!

Remember that this is the beta-read version of the chapter.

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)

So you know how self-insert characters, particularly Sues, often have self-proclaimed “anger issues”? I wanna talk about that, actually, because it’s a trope I see not only in fanfiction but in published fiction, and it honestly bugs me.

In real life, anger issues are a totally legitimate character flaw, and one that can have serious negative consequences in-universe. A character with a bad temper may make rash decisions, screw up their relationships with others, have trouble holding down a job, get in trouble with the law, and so on; people who have anger problems are often mentally ill and/or traumatized, too, and the anger may be just the tip of the iceberg. Many morally ambiguous characters, well-written ones, have trouble with anger. There’s nothing wrong with this trope when it’s executed correctly.

In the hands of a less-than-competent writer, however, anger issues are the opposite of a problem, because the character’s show of anger will invariably cause others to back down or apologize and there will be no negative consequences. Writing a character who’s so sweet and charming that they always get their way has exactly the same effect, but as that trope falls out of style “anger issues” has taken its place and the authors who write these characters have no idea that they’re doing the same thing as the trope they thought they were avoiding.

Of course, this is the work of a troll, and the use of this trope is almost certainly intentional, but there are way too many authors who employ it unironically as a way to give a “flaw” to a character that even they realize is bordering on unrealistic.

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady”

Author’s so fond of weird phrases that I have no idea whether or not “wet heaven” is intended as innuendo.

It was the hawt pale guy!

Dun dun dunnnn!

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 14]

Happy 2018! Though I guess it’s a bit too early to tell, and, as I was just saying on my primary blog, time is fake anyhow. I’d really like to get done with this fic soon so we can move onto new things in the new year, but we’ve still got a few chapters left (three more, actually, after this one).

No warnings except violence.

Recap: Wheatley used the zombie potatoes to revive Marissa. Don’t think about this too hard, or at all. Meanwhile in the past (don’t think about that either) the evil TF2 dudes decided they needed to make an evil clone of Marissa in order to defeat Marissa, so they did. Her name’s Assiram Strebor because of course.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF? OMG!

Aww. Someone broke the news to her, I guess.

Technically, “wanker” is an insult, but “to wank” means to masturbate, “wanking” means masturbating, and so on… so basically Wheatley has been spending the entire fic talking about jacking off, including threatening to jack other characters off.

(While we’re at it, “sod” is short for “sodomite” and is thus used as a reference to gay and/or anal sex… so there’s that, too.)

PS THIS CHAP IS IN TH EPAST SO ITS THIRD PERSONAL.

Sure.

ITS MY LIFE! CHAPTER FORTEEN: HOW CAROLINE BECAMED GLADOS: THE FIRST EVIL OF ASSIRRAM

Well, I can tell you that story without the Assiram part. Turns out if you non-consensually brain upload someone into a massive supercomputer, she might be angry about it and try to kill everyone involved. And she might succeed. And she might find out she has a taste for killing, or maybe she already knew she did because she had a high-ranking position at a company known for extremely ethically dubious human experimentation. And then it turns out someone programmed her new supercomputer form to have a euphoric response to putting humans through potentially deadly product testing. And… well, you know.

But since this story has nothing at all to do with canon, nothing I just said is relevant in the slightest and god knows what will happen in this chapter.

"I am Assirram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!" The evil clone said to Teen Fortress 2 who happied. "Wate! How can we be shure that shes evil enouf to really kill her?" The evil Solder questoned.

You’re not gonna take the lady at face value? She just told you she’s gonna kill Marissa and she doesn’t even know who Marissa is yet. I’d believe her.

"We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil." The evil Ingineer answered becos he was the boss of there plan. "Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities."

Damn, that’s vague. What does she have to do? Kick a puppy?

He ordered an Assirram nodded with a "im gonna kill some body" look on her feces.

Maybe the “Teen Fortress 2” guys should have specified that she shouldn’t kill them.

"Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!" Assirram said (she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) an did a evil LOL.

It’s true. I swear like a sailor, and, also like a sailor, I am quite evil.

Assirram gotted out of the evil Ingineers hose an started lookin for a victum when she seed Gabe Jonsons house. "I herd he changed his name to CAVE JONSON affer are leader his ded brother so Ill do evil to hiim!" She thot with evil thots.

She’s evil and a thot? Damn, what a relatable character.

Insid Gabe Jonson an his frend Ratman was buildin a robot body for Caroline an it was almost done.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t know where to begin. Moving on.

"Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on." Ratman siensed so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round.

I hope everyone present is good at holding their breath.

"Gabe is that you?" Caroline asked? "Yes Carlion I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother."

“You know, the one who shot you?”

Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment. As we walked to the door he seed a girl outsid that was hot an pretty but kinna mean lookin.

So he decided to remove his testicles and replace them with personality cores.

"Ah this must be Caves future dotter Marrissa Roberts!" Ratman said out lowd an let her in but it wasnt Marrissa it was... ASSIRRAM!

…can I point out here that Rattman is a mostly unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic? Emphasis on paranoid? And that dude actually has quite good instincts? No way in hell he’d trust Assiram like that.

Assirram walked thru the halls an got to the GLaDOS robot an Cabe Jonson hoo were makin out.

Sounds a bit one-sided, honestly, since only one of them has a mouth.

"I hope Im not interruptin any thing lol" Assirram lolled so Gave an Caroloin an Cave stopped kissin an looked an saw Assirram.

Based on the phrasing, looks like we’ve got a threesome going on all of a sudden.

"Marrissa are dotter you returned for a visit!" They both exclamation with happy. "Yep an I see you made Caroline a new robot bod." Assirram smied becos her plan was workin an they didant notice that she wasnt Marrissa.

Well, I mean, isn’t she identical to Marissa? I don’t know why either of them would suspect her, since she actually seems to be trying to act like Marissa. Whom she hasn’t met, but whatever.

"Ill leaf you to alone for some mother dotter bondin time ok?" An Gabe went to go talk to Ratman.

I’m sure this will go well.

Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker an then... SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE!

Wait, how? Was she carrying around a thumb drive or something?

"No!" GLaDOS screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. "Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!" Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. She lolled meanly an said "I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!"

You know, I’m not crazy about the name Marissa, but anything beats “Assram.”

An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS.

That was fast. 

"NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!"

Not sure Assiram thought this one through all the way.

Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house.

Oh, never mind, I guess she’s fine.

Gabe screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" An he screemed it really lowd.

Just in case you couldn’t tell from the caps lock.

The evil Teen Fortes 2 was watchin the hole thing on there tv camra (but it was black an wite becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up).

Their camera can only pick up black or white objects? Wow, I’m sure they’re seeing lots on that thing.

Assirram came in from the door an all were cheerin at her. "You are reelly evil Assirram the plan will work!" The evil Ingineer congradulationed. "Indeed im so evil that Im gonna betray you!" An she pulled out a mashine gun an started to shoot up the evil Teen Fortress 2 becos she was just THAT MEEN!

I dunno why they didn’t see that one coming, honestly. I was going to make a joke about them being stupid teenagers, but then I remembered that I called this twist back in the original version of this MST which was written when I myself was a stupid teenager, so I’m not sure that’s fair.

Then Assirram seed the nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas so she injekted it into arm an alls went glowy an electric. "Now I have POWERS so I can kill Marrissa an her dumb robot ball boyfrend to an maybe take over the hole world!" She lolled with the most evil ever.

Hey, how do these powers work? I thought Assiram would already have powers given that she’s Marissa’s clone, but maybe this stuff doesn’t actually alter your DNA and I was just assuming it does because the injectable powers reminded me of BioShock. Come to think of it, how do you ensure a clone will be evil? Is that just automatically what happens when you clone somebody, like a particle vs. antiparticle thing? Is there an evil gene?

But then she realized... how wold she get to the future with the evil Teen Fortress 2 died?

She’s an evil clone, not a clever clone, I see.

"Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine an maybe kill them after words." She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly like a mad sientist.

Or maybe she’s both. I don’t know. Girl will fit right in at Aperture Science regardless.

Assirram used the fly power to fly to school were Gave Jonson an Ratman were givin Teen Tortes 2 the down lo. "An then the evil clone putted a comuter virus in GLaDOS an she turnsed evil!" Gabe was cryin wile Ratman gaved him tishyous.

I have no idea what author intention was for the “GLaDOS is evil because of an evil computer virus” plot point, but it’s kind of hilarious as a parody of bad Portal fandom headcanons. I see way too much sweet innocent Caroline vs. totally irredeemably evil GLaDOS in fanworks, and it’s honestly pretty silly. Yes, the upload process was undoubtably traumatic, and having that amount of power coupled with an uncontrollable desire to conduct unethical product testing is a really bad mix, but you cannot convince me that Caroline was any sort of angel. Come on. She worked for Aperture fucking Science.

But, again, this is “ITS MY LIFE!” so canon can go fuck itself for the time being.

Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern (that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to).

That movie was dumb, I agree, but I think this fanfic tops it.

"Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!" Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger. "OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!" The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine.

Why’d she threaten Cave instead of threatening the Engineer directly? Weird detail.

…also, all of the Team Fortress 2 guys being overpowered by a single person is kind of funny, even if she does have superpowers.

Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. "Marrissa will stop you you cant win!" Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom she was gone to the future. "Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!" Ratman said with brave an they all nodded.

Rattman should do some inspirational graffiti if he believes in her that much.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Hooray! Can’t wait for... whatever the fuck happens at the end of this story, I honestly forget.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: I like it., a Marvel Cinematic Universe fanfic

Hey there, Half-World. If you follow my main, you may have noticed that I’ve been ripping into the work of blogger rcdart lately. This person (you can also find them and their work on Twitter, @plumerewif) draws a whole lot of Steve Rogers / Captain America as a pre-op trans man, which would be totally fine except that they draw him like this. (And that’s just their safe-for-work art. Trust me, you do not want to see their NSFW blog. But I’ll link you anyway.)

If you’re cis and not particularly educated on this stuff, you might be wondering what’s so wrong about depicting a curvaceous trans guy. After all, plenty of trans guys in real life have curves, and maybe you’ve seen those posts going around about how we should normalize the idea of boys with breasts and hips and thick thighs and whatever else. The problem is that, for Rory rcdart, this is clearly a fetish — their NSFW blog, and the fic you’re about to read, is all the proof of that you should need.

I did a very abbreviated sporking of this fic over on my main, but decided it deserved the full Mystery Science Theater treatment after a little reflection. This fic deserves to be sporked perhaps more than anything I’ve ever sporked before. There’s bad writing — always funny — but then there’s actual problematic shit, and this is the latter. Besides, in case Rory deletes this fic from AO3 (they’ve been covering their tracks a little), there ought to be a record of this shit.

In any case, it’s been a loooong time since I did a proper MSTing.

This fanfic is very, very not safe for work. The pairing featured is Steve Rogers / Tony Stark, and this is a smutfic, so proceed at your own discretion. Also, if you’re trans — especially if you are a trans guy — and you have body dysphoria, chances are high that this fic will set it off. Be safe, y’all.

If you’re over eighteen and very brave, click the readmore.

hi. i wrote this bc this fandom really fucking needs to stop being so damn cis. like, if u go into the trans steve rogers tag on ao3, theres like 30 fics in it out of the thousands of steve fics out there. yall are boring and u suck.

Laying my cards on the table here — first off, I love trans headcanons in general, and second off, I’m not a big Marvel fan but I love trans!Captain America. His backstory makes a great transition metaphor, superheroes being trans is really good in general, and, hell, I’ve always felt a bit of a kinship with Steve Rogers (we’re both descended from Irish immigrants in New York) so any headcanon that makes him more like me is totally fucking awesome.

So, like, so far I’m really down.

so yeah, pls enjoy fuckign 6k of steve rogers’ pussy being wrecked by tony, curtesy of me, a nasty trans ace hoe who likes that shit

I take it back. The last thing I want to hear about regarding trans boys is “pussy being wrecked.”

If you’re a longtime follower, you’re probably aware that my gender has been all over the place for years. I’m not going to bore you with the details. However, while there are probably any number of nonbinary gender labels that fit me more accurately, in my day-to-day life and for convenience’s sake I am myself a transgender boy. Our author, Rory, is agender (they/them pronouns), and does not identify as transmasculine to the best of my knowledge. Regardless, given how trans men are generally represented in NSFW media (when we show up at all, which is hardly ever), I very much don’t like the way they’re talking about Steve here.

Like... have you ever seen porn of trans guys? If you haven’t, I’m about to sum up 99% of it: trans boy who hasn’t had bottom surgery gets vaginally pounded by cis boy. For some gay cis men, getting to ride a boy with a vagina into the sunset is a big fetish. So I can’t really take this work as a trans author innocently wanting representation, given that context.

(Not sure why the author felt the need to mention that they’re asexual? Seems a bit weird that they clarified that, actually? Is it like a “I’m not getting off on this, I’m ace” thing? Because, uh, that’s still mighty suspicious. Asexual folks can and do have fetishes, masturbate, and all that. Also, I showed you this person’s art — there is no denying that they have a kink.)

(steve is a slutty little demisexual feminine virgin bottom and i dont care bc im sick of top steve in all these stupid stevetony fics ive read over the last. seven months. i hate myself)

Uh, yikes? I mean, there is nothing wrong with being a feminine trans boy or a trans boy who bottoms, but, again, this is Fetishization of Trans Men 101. Trans boys in porn are almost always feminine, and they almost always bottom. The whole “cuntboy” fetish is about fem trans boys getting their shit wrecked by cis (and typically masc) boys. This isn’t a progressive headcanon, it’s more of the same.

Like, I dunno about you, but I’d infinitely prefer to see a trans boy topping, just because you never fucking see it. I’d also like to see a trans guy and a cis guy getting off together in a way that doesn’t involve vaginal sex, that’d be cool. Also, if we could not call trans men “slutty” — it’s a gendered word, calling a trans guy by a feminine-gendered word is generally a no-no — that’d be excellent.

I guess the author thought they were being progressive here. I don’t read Steve/Tony. I don’t like Steve/Tony, not really. Maybe the fandom is oversaturated with top!Steve and bottom!Tony, I don’t know. But in the context of Steve being trans, this is more gross fetish stuff.

Moving along to the fic proper:

Steve had done his makeup up so pretty for the date.

Oh boy. Oh no. This is gonna be a wild ride, huh?

(I gotta emphasize, again, that plenty of trans boys do wear makeup and that’s one hundred percent okay — the problem is that the author is not a trans guy, and that this is a stereotype.)

His entire physique had been glowing the whole evening out, physical and emotional aspects combined. Along with his very nice shadows and highlights on his eyes and face was his Much More Modern lip gloss (clear but shiny and thick), along with simple slacks and a casual button down.

Yo, the amount I care about his makeup and outfit is none. None care. Let’s get on with it.

His short hair had been styled, but it isn’t that different from the new pixie cut that Tony had already complemented months ago (before he’d asked him out).

YIKES. Hey, pro tip: don’t call a trans man’s hair a fucking “pixie cut.” A pixie cut is short hair on a woman. Short hair on a guy — that’s just short hair. Steve is a guy. I should not have to say this.

Steve’s in fact been a giggling blushing bashful mess all evening, though Tony was sure he’d enjoyed himself a lot, all his smiles and looks he sent at Tony while they ate really proved that.

Uh… listen, I’m all for feminine boys, I’m all for boys getting to express femininity comfortably, but when authors who aren’t trans boys write feminine trans boys it can get a little weird. It’s like authors who aren’t trans girls writing masculine trans girls — sure, butch trans girls exist (shoutout to ‘em!), but when non-transfem authors write butch trans girls, it’s perpetuating a stereotype. You gotta be really really careful with that shit.

Tony’d made sure to send his own looks and winks and hints. He was very pleased to find Steve’s fingers creeping up to brush and slide over his hand at their table. All the more exciting was all of Steve’s flirting, getting more and more raunchy as the night went on, until Tony was failing at keeping himself from laughing silly at how bad this man was.

I know this author’s not really, well, an author — by which I mean that their thing is art, not writing — but this is not a well-written fic. And that’s only gonna make the sex worse, once we get there.

All of the positive responses and effort Steve continues to dish out has been making Tony’s ego fill exponentially, ever since Steve had choked on his snort at Tony’s joke about the fingernail lengths needed for each sexuality.

Hey, uh, I know Tony is cis in this fic, but isn’t the fingernail thing cissexist? Like, “lesbians need short fingernails so they don’t claw each other’s pussies”? Is that not what’s being referred to here? Why would Steve, a trans man, laugh at that?

If Tony got Steve Rogers to laugh at something like that, well, he had the date made.

Or I guess maybe that’s exactly the author’s point — Steve laughing at a cissexist joke means he must really have it bad for Tony. Though I’m not sure why Tony would even be aware that what he’s doing is cissexist, so this still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

And, to toot absolutely every horn he has, he does have it made.

He and Steve go tumbling out the elevator, lips broken apart for only a minute so they could walk. Tony’s very pleased with how this is going, especially once they’ve reached Tony’s penthouse living room couches, and shoved Steve down onto one.

Hey — how tall is Tony? Five-six? How about Steve — six-two? Not to mention, Steve has nearly superhuman strength and Tony’s just some guy without his Iron Man suit on.

Steve goes willingly, which is fucking hot, letting Tony manhandle him around like that. Tony isn’t stupid, he knows he can’t beat the super serum, no matter how much he works out and fattens up.

Oh, okay, Steve is letting himself be pushed around on purpose. Again, laying my cards on the table — size difference stuff is fun, “big character gets dommed by smaller character” is fun too. This is just still that uncomfortable trope about submissive trans guys.

Overall, he doesn’t really need to fatten up any more than he has, even to beat a sexy super soldier man.

Try saying “sexy super soldier man” ten times fast!

So, for Steve to let him push and prod and flatten him against an elevator wall while he sucked on his face, yeah, that was sexy.

Cool, I’ll buy it. Love me some big dudes subbing and all. Just, at the risk of repeating myself one too many times, this reads hella different since we know Steve is trans.

Steve’s belly up, his legs all spread, his cheeks redder than they were with his initial makeup’d blush in the restaurant, and Tony can see his fat nipples through his shirt. He wonders how wet he is right now, and that makes Tony shiver.

No fetishization of Steve’s anatomy or anything, though!

Tony clambers on top, knees on the cushion below Steve’s crotch, hands on Steve’s cheeks and sharp fucking jawline. He pushes his lips on his again, tongue dragging into his mouth, removing any of the lip gloss he hadn’t taken off in the elevator. Consuming any form of makeup is gross, but Tony figures that’s gonna have to be his life if he’s crushing on and dating (?) someone so feminine.

Uh, consuming makeup isn’t that weird. Isn’t Tony bi? Like, has he not been with women who wore makeup before?

(Also, if it’s nasty, why is the author focusing on it? Why the constant focus on how feminine Steve is, if not to fetishize the man?)

Because Tony wants to date Steve. He hasn’t wanted something like that in a while, wanted a person beyond their body. He won’t dwell on it, but holy cow does he want it.

Again, I am not a big MCU fan, and I know this is a popular ship, but I don’t think romantic!Steve/Tony works. Can I see the two of them having sexual tension? Even just going off the films, yeah. Do I imagine that they might fuck? Sure, why not? But these two are constantly butting heads — philosophically, they seem to be at odds. Steve is an idealist, and Tony, well, isn’t, and the two of them are constantly in conflict because of this. It’s what drives their sexual tension (if that’s how you want to read it), but it doesn’t make a good basis for a romantic relationship. (Also, aro Tony Stark or bust. Sorry.)

I’m also gonna be That Guy and complain about the author telling rather than showing. I know this is 6k words worth of porn I’m reading, but I’d argue that if anything that makes stuff like this more of a problem. Either show us that Tony thinks of Steve as a potential boyfriend or don’t bog down the story by mentioning it. Is this supposed to make the sex seem less “dirty” or something?

Steve’s got his hands in Tony’s hair now, running his fingers down until they rest at the start of his back. Tony rocks himself back and forth, wanting those hands to move, do more with his hair, squeeze him, remind himself Steve’s really here and not a figment of his bi-curious little thirteen-year-old heart. He’s half hard now, and though he doesn’t move his hips that much, he’s sure Steve’s got to have gotten a hint of it by now, with their crotches pressed together with gravity.

Hey, cool. Who am I to say no to some boys grindin’ up on each other?

Tony wants to be inside of Steve. He wants to feel Steve’s soft silky cunt on his thick dick, sliding back and forth until he’s actually inside the guy, making Steve shudder and twitch around it until Steve comes hard and Tony’s filling him up with his seed next.

Reading this makes me wanna get bottom surgery. Also makes me wanna get the author an editor, or a proofreader, or just someone to advise them that the phrase “soft silky cunt on his thick dick” is highly cursed and should be deleted entirely.

Which is a huge fantasy right now, but, he’s definitely gonna dream.

Steve whines needily as they kiss, pulling Tony out of his dark cloudy mind for a moment, so he pulls his mouth away if only to tease. “What is it, sweetheart? What do you need?”

Maybe it’s just me, but if anyone called me “sweetheart” during foreplay I would instantly go soft. Just saying.

Steve shakes his head, whimpering as he tries desperately to get his mouth to work. Tony gazes down at him adoringly, now petting his curled locks and the shaved sides of his head, feeling the product in it. Tony puts a kiss on his jaw reassuringly. “You can tell me, baby. I’m right here.” Tony kisses down to his neck, nuzzling the skin, being as comforting as he can.

Why is he being comforting? They’re trying to get off, this isn’t Steve’s cat’s funeral or anything.

“I… Tony, can you… can you touch me?”

Tony’s dick twitches at Steve’s pure raw innocence. He’s not all that proud of his virginity kink, but for someone like Cap, he can truly work it. He wants to take care of him, so bad.

Oh, ew. I hate hate hate virginity kink. It always reads as intensely creepy to me — like, getting off on “deflowering” somebody, the fetishization of innocence, all of that seems borderline pedophilic even if both parties are consenting adults. Innocence is considered childlike — sexualizing anything childlike is highly suspect, sorry! I’m not at all saying Tony’s a pedo in this, I’m just saying that he’s too close to one for comfort. It’s like daddy kink shit. Big no-no in my book.

“Yeah, ‘course I can. Where d’ya want me to?”

Again Steve whimpers, clearly unsure of the prompt, and if Tony’s reading him right, not wanting to connect his brain to his body to even begin to find an answer for that. “Want some help?” Tony asks, maybe too soon, but Steve nods reassuringly, telling Tony that it was just the right thing to suggest.

The author, it must be noted, also seems to have a virginity kink since they notably headcanoned Steve as a virgin way back in the author’s notes.

Tony props himself up on his elbows, giving a little more room for heavy petting and rougher makeouts. He plans for both of these things in the near future. Slowly, Tony slides his hands up Steve’s hips and ribs and armpits and shoulders and neck, finally slowing in his hair. “You want me to touch here?” and he combs his fingers through the curled locks, probably messing Steve’s hard styling work, though he doesn’t seem to care one bit.

Oh, Tony, you tease.

Foreplay is fun, and sex without foreplay tends to read really weird (see also: all of Fifty Shades of Grey), but if they’re going to spend two paragraphs on Tony touching Steve’s hair that is two paragraphs too many. This is a bad fanfic. I want to get it over with.

Slowly, Steve nods, eyes hazy as he looks up at Tony. Tony has to force himself to not make an indulgent sound at how inexperienced this man is. It’s such a turn on, for him to know nothing of what he wants or what Tony could do to him, and Tony’s been fully hard for five minutes now.

I am pulling uncomfortable faces in real life over how creepy Tony’s (and the author’s) virginity fetish is.

Tony’s fingertips skim down his undercut next, just brushing the tips of his ears, teasingly giving his none of the full on contact they had been having. “Tony,” he sighs warningly, and Tony grins like a shark. Oh yeah, Steve knows what he wants. He just doesn’t want to say it out loud.

Aaaand he’s shy too. Fits with prior characterization (feminine, subby, inexperienced), but it’s still that goddamn trope about trans guys.

“Mm?” Tony says offhandedly, making it seem like he’s not really listening. His hands glide down to Steve’s jaw next, slowly dragging his indexes along the sharp cut to meet in the middle on his chin. “Want me to touch here?” his palms cup along his neck and slip down to the built place between shoulders and throat, all thick muscle on Steve.

Uh, where on his body is this? Collarbone?

He’s flushed down here too, and Tony wants to trace that pink dusting down to his stomach. He doesn’t.

How does he know Steve’s blush continues down his body? It’s a reasonable guess — pale folks (remember, Steve’s Irish) tend to get full-body flushes when aroused — but he’s still got a shirt on, right? Did I miss something?

Steve moans, barely heard, but still there and annoyed. His eyes are shut and have been since Tony’d started brushing through his short cut hair, and they’re scrunched up, displeased with something, if only Tony knew what.

“If only Tony knew” — of course he knows. It’s obvious. Tony’s being a massive tease by touching non-erogenous zones right now and of course he knows it. Come on, cut the crap.

Tony gives a warm squeeze to his shoulders, much harder than all his previous touches. “Here?”

That seems to do it. “Tony,” Steve groans. “You know what I meant.”

“I really don’t, puddin’. What’d you say again? You wanted to be touched? I’m touching you, right, baby?”

Asshat. At least it fits with Tony’s canon characterization.

Steve swallows and sighs before opening his eyes. They’re half lidded but aware and aroused. They focus right in on Tony. Ohhh boy. “Tony.”

“Mm?”

Steve looks timid. “I don’t know… exactly where I wanna be touched. But… could you maybe do it a little rougher?”

What do you mean you don’t know? Even virgins know where they wanna get touched when they’re turned on, unless they’re Ana Steele, and I’ve talked at length about how weirdly written Ana Steele is on this blog. Again — cut the crap. Get on with it. Fic’s gettin’ long.

Oh, the pleading act, huh? “I don’t know, darlin’. Maybe you could start telling me what’s feeling the tightest in your body right now. Maybe then I’ll know where you want, even if you can’t tell me.”

The tightest? “Uh… my lower back, usually. Gets cramped up from hunching over in front of my laptop.”

Steve makes like he’s going to retort with something, then shrinks back, blushing even redder. Tony smiles warmer now, encouraging and loving. He swallows, licking his lips, like he’s thinking. “Tightest?”

“Mmhm. Like what’s got the most pressure, what aches for contact the most.”

“Touch my crotch, you fucking asshole.”

Steve’s ears would be all turned down and soft if he were a cat.

A cat with flattened ears is not an embarrassed cat. I’m not sure cats feel embarrassment. A cat with flattened ears is pissed-off and about to hiss or bite you. I am just saying.

He’s melting into his collar, he’s so embarrassed. And he hasn’t even spoken yet. “My chest.” Is what he suddenly blurts out, and Tony’s dick just jumps. “Can you touch my chest?”

Well, we all knew where that was headed (at least, if you clicked on the above links to the author’s art), but Tony’s jumping dick went beyond my expectations. Not in a good way.

Okay, so here’s the thing. Tony stares at Steve’s tits a lot. In fact, first time they met, Tony had only half comprehended what came out of anyone’s mouth and was too busy staring at the honkers bulging out from under that tactical spandex uniform.

Sorry, but I’m laughing my ass off? “Honkers”? In an erotic context?

He’d stared at his chest ‘til they barked it out at each other, then he stared at his chest while they ate together after that whole debacle.

I mean, I guess I’d expect no less of Tony Stark. Guy seems like the type to stare at a nice pair of tits. Poor excuse to fetishize a trans dude, though.

Tony stares at Steve’s chest when he comes down for breakfast every morning, his morning person step floaty and happy, fully dressed and coming back from his daily run, his tits still poking out exponentially under a sports bra (Steve has said many a time in many interviews and to many people about how he doesn’t want top surgery right now. He’s fine with a binder or a sports bra, and Tony finds that so fascinating), and a tight t-shirt doesn’t help.

There are lots of reasons why a trans guy (or any trans person who grew breasts during an unwanted first puberty, including nonbinary people to whom this applies) might not want top surgery. For the bigger-chested folks, scarring is a major concern. (If you didn’t know, those with A or B cups can opt for a surgical technique that barely scars. Bigger guys end up with large scars running right under their pectorals, and nipple reconstruction is usually necessary, if they’re able to save the nipples at all.) Also, some trans people don’t have dysphoria regarding their chests. Maybe Steve is perfectly happy binding or wearing a sports bra, despite the fact that it doesn’t seem to help him pass (though dude is clearly out as trans, not being able to pass as cis is still dangerous for trans folks ��� yes, even if you’re Captain fucking America). I’d be completely willing to get behind this as a headcanon if I didn’t know for a fact that the author has a fetish for trans guys with big tits, and that that’s what this is about.

His breasts are impressively big, full and bouncy, and as Steve says he wants Tony to touch them, Tony makes a groan he can’t control and ruts his hips into Steve’s, hard.

And, like I said, Tony having a thing for Steve’s Massive Rack™ doesn’t seem too weird or out of character. It’s just a piss-poor justification for the author’s fetish. Transparent as all hell.

Steve gasps and his hand jumps to Tony’s ribcage, at the same time that Tony gives up all touch games and just goes for it. He slides his hands quickly up Steve’s sides and gets two handfuls of Steve’s soft tight breasts, through his shirt.

Hey, what the fuck is a “tight breast”? Just wondering?

Steve’s voice fluctuates, surprised, then breaks into a moan that’s a lot higher pitched than what he’d probably want anyone to ever hear.

When I did a skim-reading of this fic earlier, I joked that I should make a “fetishization of trans men” bingo sheet and try to get bingo using this fic. “Trans guy has high voice” would definitely be on there. Just. Saying.

He claps a hand on his mouth when Tony squeezes, getting as much of his chest in his hands as he could at one time. Tony’s living out a fantasy he’s had for three years now, so it’s cool.

While Steve’s head is thrown back in pleasure, Tony dips his mouth into that soft cleavage that Steve had been so obviously showing off the whole night, his shirt undone by two more buttons than it needed to be.

I completely support trans boys who like their breasts and aren’t afraid to show them off. I completely do not support people like this author, who fetishize big tits on trans boys and think it’s empowering or something to write a trans dude character who likes to show off his boobs. If this was a female character we would immediately recognize “woman has big tits and likes to show them off” as fap fodder. Just. Fucking. Saying.

Slut, Tony thinks happily, licking into Steve’s shirt and pressing his tits together, feeling his bra, it’s a cup bra? (oh god, he’s not wearing a binder, not even a sports bra. It’s something else entirely and Tony is so turned on), and it’s digging into his skin as his cleavage is pushed upwards.

Where do I even begin with this? Gendered slurs used on a trans man? The phrase “licking into Steve’s shirt,” which, like “soft silky cunt on his thick dick,” is highly cursed? The fact that we are once again emphasizing how Steve is showing his breasts off on purpose?

Steve had so obviously been aching for this the whole evening, displaying himself for Tony, shaking his hair out and leaning his head back and his chest forward every other minute, all for Tony.

The gesture being described is very feminine. Most trans guys I know avoid this kind of gesturing because it reads as female. Trans people tend to be extremely conscious of gendered body language. This is more indication that Steve is not your average trans guy (who, you know, acts like any other dude would act) — he’s a feminine trans guy. Such boys exist, of course, but the author is not one of those boys and this reads as fetishization.

When Tony thinks about it, he remembers Steve pushing his bicep into his chest one or two times, his shirt open already and his tits just displayed. What a fucking slut.

Hey, drinking game! Take a fucking sip (babes) every time Tony calls Steve a slut! Get wasted! Guaranteed!

Tony kisses a trail into his shirt, all into the deep trench his breasts make when Tony pushes them together even harder. Tony pops a button open, then another, pulling back the cloth to see his white bra (it is a fucking cup, oh fucking Jesus), just light enough to contrast with his pale skin nicely.

White fabric does not contrast with pale Irish skin. Nicely or otherwise. I actually avoid wearing white because it makes me look washed out. You want contrast, wear a bright or dark color. Them’s the facts.

It’s not a practical bra, that’s for certain. What Tony imagines in Steve’s closet is a full drawer of sports bras and binders for his chest, and this does not cut it. It’s for show, this bra is for sex.

I’m torn between “so Steve wanted to get laid, he’s getting laid now, who the fuck cares” and “Tony’s fixation on the fact that his partner wants to have sex with him is getting a little weird” and “the author’s fetish for Steve Rogers’ tits is getting more than a little weird.”

It barely covers Steve’s pink nipples or half of his tits, and when Tony rocks his hips down again and Steve’s whole body twitches, he can see the ripple of skin as Steve’s fat tits bounce.

Cards on the table once more — I’m very pro-titty, even on boys and even on myself. However, reading this is making me want to put on a binder.

He wore this for Tony. Tony aches for it.

“Yeah,” he just has to say. “Look at you. Look at these.” Tony pulls up and squeezes them again, and Steve jerks and whimpers. “Your tits are so fucking big,” he praises.

I have the feeling that anyone above a double-D or so would respond to this obvious statement with a “yeah, I know.”

“Hot piece of ass, you wore this for me, huh?” Tony flicks down an edge of the bra. “You wanted me to see all of this, get your boobs pushed up so pretty and perky for me, huh?”

Steve squirms and pants while Tony squeezes and pops more buttons and then whines so damn loud when Tony goes for his nipples, kneading in on them until his tits are tight, then he’s mouthing up one and feeling how soft and good Steve Rogers’ skin is in his mouth, sucking up his heavy breast, leaving quick hickies up to his nipple, and Tony’s sure he’s never been harder in his life.

What does “his tits are tight” mean? What is a “quick hickey”? What is good writing? What is proper punctuation? I’m still in the process of earning my English Lit degree but I am fairly confident that sentences should not be an entire paragraph long.

He brings one hand beneath Steve’s back, holding him closer and more steady to his mouth, bringing that chest up. Steve twitches and jerks and makes every gorgeous sound he could make, all for Tony’s mouth on his breasts. The marks may fade quick, but it’s nice being able to see them splayed out on his skin for at least an hour or so.

I was really puzzled by this until I realized that Captain America probably heals extremely fast.

Tony sucks over both of them until they’re all slick and red with his saliva and beard burn, and Steve is a trembling drooling mess and begging for Tony to stopgivememoretouchmetonytonytony

Just me, or is beard burn one of the least arousing things to bring up here? Also, uh, you can’t do the “no punctuation, no spaces” thing unless you have some serious chops as a writer. I don’t think this person has even one chop as a writer.

Tony pops off one areola with a slick sound, squeezes Steve’s breast to a degree that he’s sure is painful, and Steve shudders, surely over how good it feels. Words fall out of Tony’s mouth before he can stop them. “Do you want to come?”

“Nah, just fuckin’ with ya.”

Steve’s nodding his head so fast it’s a blur. “Please, I want to, Tony, please.”

Tony dips a hand to Steve’s slacks, unbuttoning and pulling the zipper, and as he looks down, he drags two fingers over Steve’s underwear and up his cunt.

Steve is soaked.

Unsurprising.

Before Tony can act on his immediate desires and just whip his dick out or shove his fingers inside this heat, he swallows and pulls himself together. He brings his hand back up, and Steve actually looks down, questioning and disappointed. “Then you’re gonna come only from your tits.”

Wasn’t this a scene in Fifty Shades of Grey? Was this not the very first sex scene in Fifty Shades?

Steve’s face goes shocked, just stunned, and Tony’d laugh if the disbelief didn’t turn him on all the more. Tony sits back a bit while Steve watches, mildly horrified at what Tony had said.

I’d be mildly horrified too. If a partner got me worked up and then announced that they were going to do nothing more than play with my tits, and that they expected me to get off from that, I’d realize I was fucking a madman. Very few people are sensitive enough to get off with no genital stimulation whatsoever.

Tony ignores that and shoves his hand into his underwear and gives himself a few strokes, not letting Steve see him yet. He wants Steve to fucking work and beg for his cock.

Well, I guess I like that at this point Tony is just jacking himself off in front of Steve. Seems about right.

“But, I—”

“No, yes. You can actually do that. It’s possible,” Tony assures.

How the fuck would you know, you titless motherfucker? Anyone ever get you off by rubbing your pecs?

“Plus, you’re a super soldier, and like, what, twenty-five? You can absolutely do this.”

Wasn’t aware that being able to orgasm via boob touching was a super-soldier thing.

Tony smiles predatory. He watches Steve glance down at Tony’s crotch and whine back up for it. “Hey,” Tony says, sweet again. “I’m gonna make sure it happens.”

Then you best be prepared to be touching titties all night, and for Steve to get bored and frustrated eventually, because that’s what this sounds like a recipe for.

Steve relaxes a little. Pulling his own underwear back up a bit, Tony leans in. “Let’s get you out of that shirt first, huh?”

While Steve unbuttons the last of it all, Tony cups at him again. His shirt goes to the floor, and then there he is, Steve Rogers, shirtless, upper body naked except for his strapless little bra that covered approximately 20% of his actual tits.

Having seen the author’s art, I also know that in their headcanon Steve’s waist is slimmer than his neck and his tits are bigger than his head. Just so you’re all picturing what I’m picturing.

Now his nipples are really out, and they’re still wet and tight against his heavy breasts, and that poor bra, at least two sizes too small, barely able to hold up any of it.

I don’t know what the hell “tight” means in this context. I also don’t know why the hell Steve can’t buy a bra that fits. Fun fact, a bra that’s too small makes your tits look smaller, not bigger. It’s also really uncomfortable, and a strapless bra that’s too small ought to hurt.

Steve’s leaning back on his elbows against the arm rest, and Tony decides he likes the look of things right now, so he selfishly doesn’t touch Steve’s bra clasp.

Tony scoots back up, and before he does anything, he gives a sharp smack to Steve’s lefty.

His what?

Steve absolutely drowns in his moan. “Tony,” he gasps. Then Tony’s at it again, congratulating himself on what a good attentive date he’s being, guiding his partner through his sexuality and glorious fucking honkers.

“Glorious fucking honkers” may not be a cursed phrase, but it is absolutely out of place in what’s supposed to be a sexy story and I’m also not sure how you guide someone through their own tits as the phrasing implies.

He rolls Steve’s breasts in his palms, pushing them up and together, watching that impressive cleavage pop itself forward. He moves them around faster, watches them ripple and bounce, and as his dick twitches, he wonders when he’ll be able to slide himself between them. His aching cock pressed tight between Steve’s huge tits, rocking back and forth wetly with lube and his own come, spilling all over his chest and mouth. Not tonight, but soon, hopefully.

Why not tonight? Just ask Steve. “Hey, Rogers, can I titfuck you?” It’s not that hard.

Steve gets back to shivering, body consumed with full body shudders once Tony starts pinching at his nipples again. Tony rolls his hips, sliding their bodies back and forth along the couch and making Steve keen with his dick along his cunt. “Tony… just…” he breathes, bucking his hips for harder contact. So Tony twists both his nipples at the same time, and Steve gasps, going all wide-eyed and awe struck, as Tony brings it all together with another slap to his chest and a hard grind forward.

Steve comes with stars in his eyes, legs twitching up against Tony’s torso.

Well, that took about thirty seconds. Kind of embarrassing actually. If I were some big superhero I would feel real awkward about not being able to last longer than a minute.

His back arches when he gives a little yell, so his tits bounce up in Tony’s hands while Tony nearly gets thrown off Steve’s body.

Quick quiz to see who’s been paying attention: does Steve Rogers have enormous, bouncy titties? Is Tony Stark obsessed with them? Is the author blatantly fetishizing pre-op trans men?

Steve falls back down, still starry eyed, his hand on the pec above his breast. Tony watches as he unconsciously kneads the area, still all hyped up on his orgasm.

List of things that hype one up:

caffeine

certain recreational drugs

manic episodes

the knowledge that this fic will be over soon

List of things that do not hype one up:

orgasms

Sliding up, Tony kisses softly at Steve’s mouth, keeping his eyes open, looking down at his dazed, disconnected expression. “Come back to me, honey.”

See? He’s not hyped up, he’s practically dissociating he came so hard.

Steve blinks at Tony’s voice, starts to wiggle around under him, cheeks flushed up again and smiling dopily. “Okay, that was nice.”

“Yeah it was,” Tony smiles, eyeing Steve’s marked up, bruised, spit slick and reddened tits. He slides his hands up them to cup Steve’s neck, making him hiss. “Sore?” Tony teases, carefully sliding one hand back down to gently cup and squeeze one breast.

Steve nods, but also cants his hips involuntarily at the touch, and Tony’s grinning again. “Let’s get this off,” he says, hands sliding to Steve’s back to pop the bra’s clasps, and as it falls away, what little support it had left on his breasts disappears, and Tony sees Steve has porn tits even without any aid to them being held up.

Because of course he does.

They’re perky even with their massive size (and let’s talk about big for a moment here, each bump is the size of Steve’s head), and Tony doesn’t know whether to thank the serum or Steve’s genetics for that.

Hey, real talk. Tits the size of one’s head do not defy gravity. Gravity and big breasts aren’t friends. Sure, Steve is pretty built and those muscles must help to hold his boobs up, but we are talking about some seriously enormous titties. They are gonna fucking sag. Yeah, even on a young man who has the physique of a god. I’ve seen head-sized tits. I don’t buy it.

“Wanna move to my bed now?” Tony suggests, and Steve flushes, seeming to realize they’d done all of that on just a couch. “Or are you not up for another round.”

Forget the two of them, I’m not up for another round. How long is this fucking story?

Steve shakes his head. “No, I’d love to.”

Tony smiles and stands up then, one hand fisting his dick in his pants, the other pulling Steve up by a hand. His tits hang down a little more while standing straight, but they’re still porn tits. Tony is going to have so much fun with this man.

You mean, after paragraphs and paragraphs of the author essentially typing the phrase “big titty” over and over and over, we are not thoroughly done with Steve Rogers’ chest?

When they make it to the bed, Tony’s removed his jacket and untucked his shirt, pants fully undone and wanting to slide down his hips. Steve gets up to the headboard first, and immediately falls down on his back, legs spread open.

Damn, boy, eager much?

Tony files that response away for later. Steve wants Tony on top. As Tony moves to do that, his neck is held and tugged down, Steve pulling him to his mouth for a sweet kiss. “Thank you,” he murmurs.

“For what, babe?” Tony asks, kissing the corner of his mouth, then jaw and neck and sternum, propping himself over the man, taking full advantage of his wide bed.

“Touching me where I want,” Steve admits slowly, talking all soft. “Giving me what I want. Heck, figuring out what I want for me.”

“Thank you for providing the bare minimum of service as a sexual partner.”

Tony chuckles. “Well, it’s important for me to cater to and help out who I’m… getting all hot with.”

“Tony?”

“Yeah, sugarplum?”

Steve looks up at him, big blues wide and cheeks a red mess. “I know what I want now.”

Well, I dunno about Steve, but I want this fic to be over and I never want to read about boobs ever again.

Tony shivers. “Mm?”

Steve slides his hands down Tony’s ribs, to his hips, tugging him a little closer. Their groins flush together once more, and Tony drags his tongue over his lips. “Can you? Be inside me, Tony? Please?” Steve says all at once, even if he’s all flushed and struggling to get it out his mouth.

I guess we’ve already more or less established that Steve Rogers is not a dysphoric sort of guy, but I feel it’s important to mention that most trans guys are, and a hell of a lot of trans guys want you nowhere near their vaginas. Certainly no vaginal intercourse. If Steve Rogers were a real trans man who liked vaginal sex, that’d be fine, but he is made-up and he is playing into a fetishistic view of trans men as A) all having vaginas (post-op trans men exist) and B) all liking vaginal penetration.

Tony groans gutturally. “Yeah, baby, of course I can.” He starts kissing Steve’s mouth, getting it wet again, pulling out that pretty redness he always got every time they frenched.

Last time I read the word “frenched” used seriously in an erotic context it was in fucking “My Immortal.”

Steve’s putting so much trust in him and he loves it. “You wanna be on your back for it?” Before Steve can nod, Tony opens his mouth again. “Or you wanna be on your hands and knees, propping yourself up for my cock? I could push your knees back and bend you in half for it, baby.”

I am trying to picture what “push your knees back and bend you in half” even means and I’m getting nowhere.

“Tony,” he gasps, and Tony grinds himself down, while Steve clutches at his ass and pulls him in harder every time. “I want to be facing you,” he lets out eventually.

So… missionary. Great. Boring and stereotypical. It’s a fucking two-for-one.

“That’s good, that’s so good,” Tony’s saying, “Lemme pull back for a second, sweetheart.”

Steve blushes and relaxes his death grip. Tony pulls Steve’s pants off, and is reminded that Steve came his pants a few minutes ago when he sees the large wet area in his grey underwear, and once Tony drags a finger up, he feels it’s wet along the insides of his thighs too.

Either our boy here just fucking soaks himself every time he gets aroused, or he squirted. Remember that for later.

Tony rubs up the softness of Steve’s cunt over his underwear, actually feeling along the actual flesh this time.

Does Steve shave his crotch? Because vulvas are not really soft things in their natural state. The external parts are covered in pubic hair, which tends to be rather wiry. Not exactly the silky soft thing Tony / the author has been describing to us.

If he does shave, it’s important to recognize that shaving one’s crotch is typically a girl thing and this is yet another example of a trans man behaving in a stereotypically feminine manner.

Steve moans, and he’s really wet, foreplay and an orgasm adding up to his panties drenched with his discharge.

“Discharge” has got to be one of the least sexy words in the English language.

Tony pulls them off, and before he goes back to feeling around down there, he stares down at all that nakedness and curvy beauty beneath him.

Naked women get described as being curvy. Naked men? Not typically. A trans man is being described here as if he’s a woman. Just wanted to point that out.

Steve catches him staring. He smiles bashfully and knocks his hips up. “Tony,” he insists.

Steve gets barely any dialogue in this fic, by the way. 90% of it is just Tony’s name. Great characterization. Good job.

Tony makes a grunt of acknowledgement, not really having the voice for any taunts.

He bends down, staring along Steve’s swollen clit (and was everything on this man super-sized? His clit is about the size of the pad of Tony’s pinky finger), and his flushed labia.

I read through the author’s NSFW blog, so I know their theory that the super serum acted as a sort of magical hormone therapy. Testosterone makes your clitoris grow substantially larger. Unless Tony has real fat pinkies, I’m not impressed.

Steve has thin dusty blonde hair on all parts of his pussy, and his happy trail stops at his bellybutton.

Okay, so he doesn’t shave. Also I hope to god that the author did not actually mean his entire vulva is covered in hair, because that includes his inner labia and clitoris.

Tony drags two fingers along his lips, through the silky liquid and ignoring his opening for the moment. Steve twitches with a squeak when Tony drags his fingers up his clit. Tony pads the fat bump, and digging into the place just below it makes Steve let out a surprised whine.

Just below it? I have never in my life met someone who got off having the area just below their clit played with. Just above it, right on the hood, yeah. I’m nitpicking but this is weird.

“This good?” Tony asks. “Anything I can do to make it better?”

“Ey Tony, you ever encountered a clit before in your life?”

“No, that feels really good,” Tony hears Steve say, and looking up, he sees the man staring at the ceiling with dreamy eyes. So Tony keeps dipping into and against his clit, watching the little bud twitch and his cunt shiver. “Actually,” Steve says after a bit, and Tony grins. “Could you, um, rub two fingers up and down, with my clit in between them? Yeah, like that. Do it hard? I wanna feel it. Oh. Oh.”

I actually know more than one trans guy who typically jerks off like that, so this is a surprising touch of realism in an otherwise thoroughly ridiculous fanfic.

Steve’s a shivering mess in the next few minutes, Tony stroking hard and fast, and in his opinion, rough over Steve’s clit, Steve bucking into his hand even with all that force he’s putting on it. He’s squeezing the little bump half to death, but Steve seems to adore it, all squirmy and breathless and whiny for it all.

Tony’s so focused on Steve’s cunt and watching his movement on his clit that he doesn’t see Steve’s mouth fall open or his face scrunch up, so when Steve just fucking gushes, Tony jumps a bit.

Yep, he’s a squirter. Don’t worry, the author totally doesn’t fetishize that either.

After a moment of pure disbelief, just staring at Steve’s twitching pussy, “Was that?” he mumbles, awed at what he thinks that could have been.

What else could it have been, you dingbat? Unless you think he pissed on you or something (and telling the difference is easy, by the way, cum doesn’t look or smell like piss).

“Hmmmm?” Steve hums from where he’s stroking his chest languidly, still staring at the ceiling and grinning happily through what Tony can’t believe was his second orgasm. He looks so blissed out, hips rolling smoothly and now his thighs rubbing together and getting even more drenched. Tony watches in fascination as Steve comes off his second high, rubbing his still red and sore looking nipples, spreading his legs yet again.

Tony snaps his fingers a few times, the ones that hadn’t been knuckle deep in Steve’s juices, and Steve looks down blearily. “Steve, you just squirted.”

Uh, he probably knows that? It’s not usually something that catches one unawares?

Steve blinks and frowns. “What?”

Tony’s dick is definitely harder than it’s ever been before in his life. Steve had come just now, but it looked like he was pissing. Literally, his cunt gave a shot of come like a cock would.

Yeah, I think everyone reading this is familiar with the concept. This isn’t exactly unheard of.

Tony’s only seen that a handful of times, most of them in porn, and none of them have been as pretty as Steve. It's ridiculous, how Steve is reacting more and more like a flat out porn star. This shit doesn't happen in real life.

Lampshading it doesn’t make it better, author! You’re still fetishizing the hell out of a trans man’s anatomy and bodily responses! I don’t care if you’re also trans, this is a specific type of fetishization affecting trans men and you ought to know better!

Tony swallows. He never wants to let Steve go.

Because he’s in love, and not because he’s made it with someone who acts like they’re in a porno!

“You squirted. It’s like when a dick orgasms, it ejaculates. Vaginas hardly ever do that, but you just came harder than any dick I’ve ever seen.” It’s an exaggeration, but it gets Steve’s face hot, as he sits up a bit to look down.

“You mean like… it just rushed out all at once.” Tony nods. Steve swallows and blushes up to his ears. “That always happens for me,” he mumbles.

I am facepalming. I hate repeating myself over and over, but like… in real life, some folks with vaginas do squirt almost all the time (this is not an invitation to ask me how I know that) and that’s fine, but in fiction this is a fucking porn trope. Also I think this is the free space in Trans Men Fetishization Bingo.

“Oh my god,” Tony moans. “Are you serious?” Steve covers his face. “Nooo, babe, that’s so hot, seriously, is it a serum thing? Did it only start happening after you beefed up?”

…does the author not realize that it’s normal for some people to squirt when they come, no super serum involved? Do they think it’s literally just a porn trope? Oh, god, that’s even worse.

Steve nods, still mortified, refusing to uncover his face with his hands. “It was kind of… really hard for me to come before.” He moves his hands, looking up at Tony. “If I wanted to…” and he just looks so damn embarrassed, “I had to… touch myself for nearly an hour. My nerves were shot. I tried everything.”

I guess that makes some sense as a headcanon for Steve. I’ll accept it. Grudgingly.

“Poor baby,” Tony coos, and it does sound pretty horrible. Who wants to jack off for an hour just to feel a ten second rush and nothing else? Jeez.

Yeah, glad I don’t know anything about that!

“Can we stop talking about it? Kiss me or something. I still want you inside me.”

Tony smiles and lies back down across Steve. They kiss, and Tony pulls his own pants down to his knees before sliding a finger home into Steve’s sopping cunt. It’s the first time there’s been any penetration between them, and Steve shudders through his whole body, while Tony moans thinking about this silky softness around his dick. Steve’s probably loose enough to get inside him right now, but Tony wants to milk this.

Hey, at least this author knows that vaginas loosen up when aroused as opposed to the other way around! Count your blessings!

The guy did have two orgasms already, almost right after each other. Tony’s sure Steve can take it, but he wants to be able to work Steve up just one more time.

He’s probably already worked up. The man is in his twenties, no? And in impossibly good physical condition? And he’s never gotten laid before? I doubt he even went soft in between orgasms.

He slides his finger back and forth, feeling along that slick channel, all its grooves and bumps until Steve is relaxed below him again, just lying there and taking it.

“Lying there and taking it” is super creepy phrasing, by the way.

“Gimme more,” Steve prompts, hand curling over Tony’s back, head tilted up on his pillow.

Deciding it safe, Tony slides two more fingers in past the first, curling up and down while Steve wriggles, shaking his hips and canting back on his fingers. Steve only starts begging when Tony pops in his pinky.

“Please please please, Tony,” he says, arching and actually sitting up to kiss Tony into looking at him. “Fuck me, fuck me,” and Tony bites the inside of his cheek.

“Okay, I’m gonna.” But as soon as he says it, Steve sits up and moves around. “Thought you wanted to face me?” Tony quirks, smiling as he moved for him.

Steve’s all red again, getting more up on his elbows until he’s sitting up straight. “I was thinking,” he tries, licking his lips. “Maybe I could ride you? You’ve just been doing… a lot of the work, so I wanted to…” he trails off. Tony groans, very happy with this change.

Why is Steve fucking Rogers being so goddamn shy? I know this is his first time in this, but he’s not exactly established in the MCU as a shy, blushy fellow. Though, again, this kind of characterization is par for the course in fetish fics about trans men.

“That’d be amazing Steve, yes,” he says, and gets to the drawers by the bed. He gets a condom and his lube, then falls back with them in his hands, so his head rests near the foot of the bed and his legs slide down so Steve has a place to sit.

I doubt the lube is necessary. Dude just squirted twice in a row. He should be plenty lubed up.

He beckons with a finger, and Steve crawls over, all slow and seductive. Tony watches Steve’s tits as they hang and then fall against the man’s chest once he sits down right behind Tony’s crotch.

Thanks for reminding us that Steve Rogers has big tits. Would totally have forgotten otherwise. Thanks.

Tony hands him the condom and puts his hands behind his head. “Since you wanted to do something.”

You expect Mr. Dickless Virgin here to know how to put a condom on?

Steve gives him a look, but pulls down Tony’s pants from where they’d been at his knees, so Tony can kick them off. When Steve slides down his underwear, he stops. “Oh,” he says in a tiny voice, as he stares wide eyed at Tony’s cock. Will, didn’t that make Tony’s ego go through the roof.

Uh, he’s already seen and felt your bulge. He’s got a good idea of how big your dick is. “Oh” is probably because this is Steve’s first time seeing a dick in real life. Put your ego away, Tony.

He laughs.

“What, pumpkin, scared? I promise it’ll fit.”

“Oh, I know it will,” Steve shoots back and scoots up by a bit so he can hold Tony’s dick in his palm. “Oh,” he says again, retorts gone from his mouth.

Tony taps the wrap in his hand in reminder, and Steve swallows while he tears his gaze away. He slides the condom down Tony’s dick, staring at the liquid sliding from the tip. Tony fists himself, squeezing in prep for that heat above him, and slicks some lube onto the latex. “Okay, gorgeous, we’re good.”

Steve pushes Tony’s shirt up to his sternum, then slides his hands off to rest on either side of Tony’s chest. He lifts his wide hips, hovering over where Tony’s holding his dick up for him, until he finds the tip.

Gotta mention how wide Steve’s hips are! Not like that’s a source of dysphoria for many if not most trans men! No sir!

Steve slides down onto Tony in only one stroke, wiggling his hips around when he’s gotten to the base. Tony groans, head falling back, at the first direct stimulation he’s gotten all night, besides grinding and his own hand. It’s so good. Steve is hot like a furnace naturally, and for Tony to be inside of that was like a new kind of comfort in the sack. He feels warm and protected, and it’s fucking freeing.

I barely know what the author is talking about, honestly.

He’s all soft and velvety too. As Steve just stays seated still on his cock, his head thrown back and his mouth open, Tony can feel his cunt flutter and throb around him while his body adjusts to the impalement.

Eventually his hips shift a bit, more side to side than anything, and he looks down at Tony from his seat. Tony stares, just awed at how good he looks, he can see where his dick enters him and stretches him wide open, can see his built stomach flexing with strain, and his tits swaying just a bit as he arches and leans forward.

“Feel good?” Tony asks, hands now on Steve’s thick hips, stroking soothingly.

More focus on Steve’s hips and tits. Sure it’s not in a fetishy way, though! Innocent trans headcanon here!

He’s focusing on his own pleasure and the heat holding his dick, but he wants to know if Steve’s got it.

Steve nods, face still looking a little blown away, but at least he’s closed his mouth now. “Feels… gosh, I don’t know. It feels so big, Tony.”

Captain America saying “gosh” in response to the size of Iron Man’s dick has got to be the most in-character thing that’s happened in this fic so far. Also I’m laughing.

Tony’s dick twitches at that, and Steve gasps. “Yeah, you like that, huh?” and he rolls his hips up by just a bit.

Steve’s nodding again, a little more frantic. “I like it.”

Tony pulls Steve down for a kiss. “What’d’you like, gorgeous? You wanna tell me?”

He doesn’t know a fucking thing, my guy. His status as a clueless virgin has been very well established.

Steve groans but doesn’t shake his head, and kisses Tony again. “I like you being inside of me. Showing me what feels good. It’s real nice.”

Tony hums in agreement, now rhythmically rocking his hips up, not too hard. Steve’s going with him, up and down, his cock not having left one inch of the furnace since Steve sat down. They kiss and nip at each other slowly, Steve’s cunt now almost comfortable with the intrusion.

This fic is from Tony’s perspective. How does Tony know what Steve is feeling without being told?

“Okay,” Steve says, and leans back. He opens his knees, plants his feet down, and draws himself up so barely the head is still inside of him. Tony’s almost breathless, he’s so beautiful on his cock. When he sinks back down, hard, Tony feels his eyes fall shut in pleasure. He forces them open when Steve continues, falling down and springing up, his tight pussy squeezing up and down as he rocked. Tony himself stares at what he can focus on through all this feeling, and slides his hands up Steve’s ribs and down to his hips. His eyes flutter as Steve moans and pants, his thighs flexing with every push.

It builds up, and eventually Steve’s just bouncing, hands resting on Tony’s stomach and his thick thighs sweating bullets.

Hey, thick thighs save lives and whatever, I’m all for normalizing thick thighs on boys and it makes sense that the good captain would have some impressive legs (trans or no, he’s built), but, again, this is fetish stuff.

Steve’s velvet cunt takes all of Tony greedily as he bounces, seeming to go faster and faster to get him back inside him quicker every time. Tony rocks himself up too, but not as much as Steve, who’s sweating and panting with it readily.

Tony’s eyes have locked on his tits, drinking it in as Steve plops down every time and his breasts bounce with it too.

Dude, Tony is obsessed. And by that I mean this author is obsessed. And it’s getting to be creepy.

The flesh along them ripples, one of the only places on Steve’s perfect body that has any fat at all. His nipples are tight again, still all swollen and red.

WHAT DOES “TIGHT” MEAN IN THE CONTEXT OF NIPPLES??? I HAVE NIPPLES AND I DON’T FUCKING KNOW??? EVERYONE HAS NIPPLES AND DOES ANYONE FUCKING KNOW???

His tits move so much with all his grinding, bouncing down with every release of his thighs.

Steve “ah ah ah”s with every time he hits the base of Tony’s cock, while he goes faster and faster and Tony’s mind becomes a scrambled mess.

Should point out that making a lot of noise during sex is also gendered.

Tony is nearing it, he knows, he’s definitely getting there and it’s going to be so fucking good, when Steve suddenly screams and there’s a flush of liquid down Tony’s cock to pool on his thighs and stomach and balls. Tony looks down quick enough to see another valiant spurt of come shoot from Steve’s cunt as the force of the first makes him slide off Tony’s dick.

So, wait, did he come twice?

Steve sobs, arms and legs just trembling, barely holding himself up. He whimpers Tony’s name once or twice and then sits back down, his cunt flat against Tony’s still hard dick as it curls flat against his stomach, with nothing on it anymore to hold it straight up. Tony stares speechless at Steve.

Captain America coming so hard he starts crying = good, reasonably funny also

Trans guy Captain America coming so hard he starts crying = gendered trope applied to trans person, uncomfortable to read about, makes me want to give the author a good talking-to

After a minute, Steve’s collected himself, and is staring dazedly at Tony’s dick again. “Tony, sorry, I’ll—” He makes to move his dick back inside his cunt, and as hot as that is, Tony grabs his wrist.

“It’s fine Steve, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

“What? No, I can keep going—” But as he says it, his arms shake and he can barely hold onto Tony’s dick. Tony gives him a look.

“It’s fine, sweetheart. Seriously, you’re exhausted. You came three times in the last hour.”

In a normal relationship, this is where the partner who hasn’t come yet just jacks off. Is that what’s going to happen here? Not a chance in hell.

Steve is silent for a second, sitting back. “What if I just lay on my stomach? You can slide right in. No, no, I mean it. I don’t mind. I want it,” he insists, when Tony opens his mouth. Tony frowns, but Steve just looks right back at him, determined.

“Just use me as a fucktoy to get off into! Not a porn trope, not degrading, not gendered at all! Definitely not the author’s fetish shit being projected onto me!”

Through all of Tony’s protesting, Steve’s still underneath him in the next two minutes, back up to Tony and his legs spread. He wiggles his ass and looks back at him. “C’mon, you’re not gonna last that much longer.”

Tony rolls his eyes, and gets his hand on Steve’s back, pushing him down. “Oh, relax, big guy.”

He has to actually bring both hands down to spread Steve’s ass apart to actually be able to see his cunt, but when Tony slides inside again, there’s absolutely no resistance. Steve’s whining happily, and it’s so wet around the base of his dick that Tony just glides right in. “Shit,” he swears, now going at his own pace. He feels his own burn in his thighs, going as hard and as rough as he wants, using Steve’s cunt as his fleshlight until his hips are jerking and he’s coming so fucking hard inside of his date, balls deep.

Yeah, you see what I mean? The phrase “using Steve’s cunt as his fleshlight” genuinely made me squirm, in a bad way. In a really bad way.

He nearly screams himself, making a noise not far from it as his body let go what it’d been building up all night. Steve wiggles his hips and moans with him, feeling Tony’s dick spasm from it all.

Once Tony slides out and gets off Steve’s back, he’s instantly on his own, trying to control his breathing. Shit, he hasn’t come like that since he wasn’t in his forties. Oh, god. Pulls his condom off, throws it where he doesn’t care, and rubs his shirt on his sweaty face. Jesus.

It’s nearly over, right? They can’t both go another round? We’re almost done with this fucking story? I can drink to forget?

Steve snuggles against him then, putting his face in his neck. “That was so nice, Tony, thank you.”

Tony grins. “Yeah? Good. You deserved it.”

Steve turns into a complete octopus after that, all up Tony and nuzzling into every part of him he could reach.

I think the author has also come at this point and is getting bored, because nothing else justifies the phrase “Steve turns into a complete octopus.”

Tony guesses he hit it right. He makes Steve get up and get clean after a few minutes rest though, because people with vaginas need to fucking take showers after they orgasm three times in one night.

I think anyone does? I mean, you’d be fucking drenched in sweat? The real thing people with vaginas need to do after vaginal sex is take a piss. Helps clean you out down there. Seriously, they’ve done studies.

Tony pulls the top blanket of his bed down while he’s in the bathroom, because there is more than one wet patch, thankyouverymuch, and cleans his own self off.

Forget wet patches, Steve squirted like four times. They’re going to have to buy a new mattress.

Steve wants to sleep naked, so Tony lets him, even after he puts on his own replacement underwear and Steve kisses him sweetly with his breasts pressed to his shoulder.

Of course Steve wants to sleep naked, because he has all the characterization of a blow-up doll and has basically served the same purpose throughout this fic.

“I had such a nice time, really. All evening,” he states, and immediately passes out into the sheets.

Kinda funny, I’ll admit it. In no way does that make up for anything else in the fic, though.

Tony giggles softly and sinks himself down so he can use Steve’s tits as his pillow, because he’s gross.

It’s actually the least gross thing Tony has done in the entire fanfic.

JARVIS dims the lights on his own, just as Tony’s eyes slip shut.

Thanks for reminding me about goddamn JARVIS watching the entire thing. Adds a completely weird element of voyeurism/exhibitionism that I’m nearly positive was unintentional.

Notes:

like tony, i too, am obsessed with steve rogers’ tits

Uh… we know. It’s all you ever fucking draw and you’re an art student.

if u think that tony acts like, really sexist/transsexist in any part of this fic, ur right. 

No, actually, he is fictional and has no free will. The way he acts in this story is on you, buddy.

tony’s character is sexist, and I think people need to accept that they can like his character and still recognize that at the same time. like, he’s not blatantly misogynistic, he doesnt go around screaming that he hates women, but he has a view of the world in the way that he acts and what he does that is sexist. it shouldnt be ignored just bc u like him. i love tony, but he’s still sexist.

His sexism should not matter in this fic because he is not with a woman. He is with another man. Oh my fucking god. Does the author see trans men as women? Is the author implying that Tony sees trans men as women? Oh my god, ew?

also, im gonna take full advantage of that sexism and tity obsession while i write tony coming all over steve’s tits in this new boobjob fic, peace out

I sincerely hope that you read this sporking of your fic and that it persuades you to never write such a thing. I usually don’t wish that upon badfic writers. Usually my hope is that they eventually improve, you know, through practice and all — but even if this author developed some writerly chops, they’d still be writing transphobic fetish porn.

also also,

yall: steves dick grew like 6 inches bc serum and he can have 1 million orgasms in one night

me: his pussy squirts bc serum (and im disgusting)

On that last point, we can all agree. I’m out. I’m done. I want to delete the memory of this author/artist from my brain. Bye.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 11]

We're doing two in one night, because, y'know, I'm on a roll or something.

There is a description in this chapter that might qualify as body horror, and the r-slur gets used to describe brain-damaged!Chell again.

Recap: Gabe Jonson's evil twin Cave Jonson (don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it) cloned the cast of Team Fortress 2 and then everyone got in a fight. The time machine was destroyed. Cave Jonson and Marissa fought, and, though Cave was eventually defeated (by Gabe, though, not Marissa), Caroline was tragically killed. Gabe Jonson vowed to immortalize her in murderous giant robot form. The time machine was repaired and Marissa returned to the present. 

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN I CANT BEELEVE HOW MANY REVIEWS MY STORY IS GETTIN SOON ILL HAVE A HUNDERD! I LOVE YOU GUYZ!

For the record, nearly all of these reviews were nasty. One of the things I loved about early!MarissaTheWriter was her good-natured attitude towards her reviewers, even those she acknowledged to be flamers (in early chapters she would promise better content to those reviewers who were dissatisfied); this changed in later fics, where she became extremely vitriolic towards her critics, writing many of them into her stories as villains and often giving them horrible, gory death scenes. Kinda sad, really. May be why I always had a sense of MarissaTheWriter's work going downhill in later fics.

PS OK I WAS RONG ABOUT CAVE JONSON I THOT HIS NAME WAS GABE SO TO FIX THE PLOT HOLE, AFTER MARRISSA WENT TO FUTURE GABE JONSON CHANGED NAMED TO CAVE IN ONOR OF HIS DED BROTHER.

Well, that clears everything up.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER ELEVEN: RIES OF CHELLGADOS

“CHELLGADOS”?

“Oh thank bloody god were finally back in the sodding present Marrissa!” Wheatly happily said to me as we got out of time mashine into Portal Labs like it was befour. 

Did you miss Wheatley and his horrible dialogue? I know I did… n’t.

With GLaDOS an Atlas an P-BODY died from last time now we cold have peace at last. Then some weerd noises started to come out of the walls lick something was climbin in im. 

At this point it helps if you imagine the horror movie music.

The wall boomed up an a the scarryest thing ever came out it was… CHELL AN GLaDOS FUSIONED.

I’m all for shipping them but this is just ridiculous.

“Hahaha Marrissa you didt make sure I was realy dead. Now I have fused with Chell an she is the body an I am the brane an butt (Becos shes a a**!)” 

Not really. "Ass" usually refers to someone who behaves foolishly, y'know, like a donkey. Come to think of it, are donkeys actually foolish? Have we all been wrongfully stereotyping donkeys all these years?

Chell was all covered with robothings an wiers with GlaDOSs head were her booty was an sum tubes in Chell face. 

So is Chell now talking out her ass?

“Buggering wanker shes gone mad!” Wheatly cried.

CHELLGAODS lolled an opened a door from the wall an guess who stepped oot… ATLAS AN P-BODY bu something was diffrent about P-Body. She had a big bumpy thing in her robot place.

You know, I'm so disappointed. I wanted P-body to be a trans robot, dammit.

Not that pregnancy should be possible for a robot anyhow, but... you get what I mean.

“Atlas you b**** you madded me preganent now I cant drink or smoke drugs!” P-Body was soo mad soundin but Atlas said “Well you sholda thot about that befour we-” 

“—did something no one outside of the kink meme wants to hear about.”

“SHUT UP YOU TO AN KILL MARRISSA!” CHELLGaDOS interoperated, they looked mean at me but I was fed up with all this an just shot my power blast at them an Atlas an P-Body bloomed up. 

Did they turn into a pretty flower?

“Oh dear god save the queen its some bloody toobs!” Wheatly pointed up with eye an I look up an saw that toobs made Atlas an P-Body a gain!

Yeah, nothing scarier than tubes, Wheatley. The queen would likely be terrified if she wasn’t dead.

“Ever time you kill them I can just rebuild LOL” CHELLGaDOS said really loud. 

If you’re wondering why MarissaTheWriter keeps typing “CHELLGaDOS” instead of “ChellGLaDOS,” don’t worry! It’s not a typo! All will be explained later!

I did a doble jump an grabed the toob, stuffin Wheatly in my jumpsuit so he was happy becos my chests were so big an squishy. 

What I find odd is that there’s apparently room for Wheatley in Marissa’s jumpsuit. I mean, what, is it ten sizes too big?

Or is Marissa actually busty enough that she can do the thing where you keep your valuables (phone, wallet, etc.) in your bra, but with Wheatley?

I climed up the toob an entered the walls behind. All the wierd drawings was there sayin stuff like “The cake is lie” an things. There was only one person hoo cold stop CHELLGaDOS… RATMAN!

Rattman is a non-action dude, which is the entire reason behind the plot of both Portal games. He got the ball rolling by arranging for Chell to be tested next, when really she shouldn't have been a test subject at all thanks to her abnormal tenacity. He endangered the life of a woman he didn't even know (and it's definitely something he felt guilty over) because he knew he couldn't do it himself. Plus, with his mental state constantly worsening due to unmedicated schizophrenia (and likely other problems as well, thanks to all the trauma he's been through, the shortage of food, isolation, etc.), he's probably in much worse condition to fight GLaDOS now than he was at the outset. If he's even still alive.

That being said, this is a MarissaTheWriter fic so canon doesn't matter! Can't wait for the epic Rattman vs. "CHELLGADOS" showdown.

I had to find him usin my detective powers so I used them an saw that Rtaman had writed this stuff about 10 AM so the trale was still hot. 

I ran thru the air ducks dodgin fans an cleaner robots that keeped sayin I was soo pretty an asking me to date them so Wheatly said “F*** OFF YOU BLOODY BURGERS!” An they stopped makin words.

Bloody burgers?

Since when are there cleaner robots?

There was a crumbly sound an I looked back, CHELLGaDOS was followin me thru the ducks!

I don't have a duck joke, but you can imagine one if you want.

“YOU CANNOT ESKAPE ME THIS TIME MARRISSA YOU WILL FINALLY DYE FOR STOPING ME FROM SEWISIDING AN BREAKIN MY TESTS!” 

I try to be amused by GLaDOS's dialogue, but it's so bad that I don't know if I can be.

She was soo mad that she punched alls the way thrur part of the air duck an made Chells hand all bloody an bone. “YEOOUCH!” CHELLGaDOS yelled forgettin she was Chell an GlaDOS now so both feeled the same hurt. I lolled at them an sprinted way with my lung fall boots.

Try to imagine GLaDOS yelling “YEOOUCH!”. I tried, and I couldn’t do it.

The air duck collapsed so it was a good thing my long boobs cold brake the fall. 

Little-known perks of being busty.

“Its a good thing we finally meet at last, Marrissa.” A strange lookin guy with thin an labcoat that was like cape say. “I am Ratman I fight a gainst the bad robots lick CHELLGaDOS an now we can teem up. Heer take this weapon its like GLaDOSs diskourage lazer beams but a gun.” 

Thermal Discouragement Beams. Those are called Thermal Discouragement Beams.

And where’s Rattman’s Companion Cube? 

I lolled at him an esplained “I dont need weapons I have cool powers instead.” An I went all glowy an electric an Ratman got a “dude WTF” look on his feces.

Kind of like the looks your readers have on their faces, MarissaTheWriter?

He got two of the lazer guns an put them on an said “Alrite Marrissa lets get ready to fight an kill CHELLGaDOS once an four all!” But I got kinna nervos becos then I wold have to kill my retorded sister an mom together too…

…not to mention, a good chunk of the canon cast…

TO BE CONTINUED!

SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT BUT THE NEXT ONE IS THE BIG FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN MARRISSA AN CHELLGADOS OR IS IT? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

Oh boy.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 10]

Everyone ready for more Marissa? Sure you are! 

There's some gore in this chapter, and a (canon) character dies. The gore is mild, though (well, it's not really, but it's not described in much detail), and, as usual, everything is ameliorated by its being ridiculous.

Recap: Honestly, nothing really happened last time except a guest appearance by the cast of Team Fortress 2. Also, Chell and GLaDOS have now fused into one entity, but it doesn't really bear thinking about.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN THIS CHAPTUR IS REALLY ENTENSE BECOS THERES A LOT OF ACKTION!

And by “acktion” I’m hoping she doesn’t mean “hot OC-on-Wheatley action,” because that would be a bit too entense for me.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER TEN: WHO IS CAVE JONSON?

No one, so far as I know. I've heard of a Cave Johnson, and even of a Gabe Jonson, but this is a new one.

I got reddy to step into the time mashine with Wheatly when a guy showed up who looked my dad but more meen. “I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!” 

Well, looks like we answered that question. I guess we don't need to continue with this chapter after all.

He lolled like bad an some guys camed up from behind him. “I also cloned all yur frends to make evil ones they are called… TEEN FORTRESS 2 (Becos there in High School get it)!” 

So is this the RED team or the BLU team?

I new that Caroline had powers now so I just went into the mashine when the evil Demomon explodd it. This was soo sad, I had finally gotted a way to return to the time when an now it was gone. 

It's incredible how emotional this writing is. You can really feel Marissa's pain at not being able to return to her correct time. MarissaTheWriter is truly one of the literary greats.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I yelled like the sun an my powers golwed all round me with sparks an lighting.

Fluorescent lighting?

Also, “yelled like the sun”? How does the sun yell?

“I AM THE DEMONMAN!” Said the Demonaman an he fired bombs at the evil guys but Cave Jonson lolled some more an said “I have made the immune with sheelds you cannot hurt them.” 

Couldn’t you at least use portals? (Does Marissa still have her portal gun?)

Let's all appreciate Demoman Demonaman's dialogue.

My powers were still chargin up an they finished an I fired a bolt of electric stuff at Cave Jonson but then… HE FIRED ANO BOLT OF ELECTRIC STUFF TO ME! “Haha ha! The evil Ingineer gave me powers like yurs Marrissa now you will die!” 

Cave Johnson has superpowers?!

I change my mind, the existence of this chapter is completely justified.

He shooted more powers at me but I had a trick, I still had me portal gun. 

Well, that answers my question. But why did no one comment on it before?

And why didn’t she use it before?

I powered up teh gun an fired a black hole to were Cave Jonson was.

The black hole started suckin up all the things but Cave Jonson cold fly an escaped. 

Yeah, I don’t think being able to fly is really adequate to escape a black hole. Being able to exist outside the realm of physics, on the other hand, might come in handy.

“Can I fly to?” I asked in shock at the power. “No, you can only space flight but Ill put the power Caroline becos shes yur mom.” So the Engineer taked out nettle a gain an put it in Paroline an I started to hoover. 

This has nothing to do with vacuums!

Or anything, for that matter. This has nothing to do with anything. There might as well be vacuums.

“FLY ON!” I yelled an soared to wards Cave Jonson who was at the tracks beatin up all the football players an tryin to molest the cheer leaders becos he was an evil jerk like Atlas an P-Body. “Hey you big jerk Cave Jonson pice on someone yur own size!” I smirked with hands on hips. 

So Marissa is the same size as Cave Johnson?

“No you dont you die!” Cave lolled an shot lighting bolts an power missiles at me. I used my detective power to figure out were he wold fire an be in a nother place wen he did. “How can I not hit you with all my big booms?” 

Hit me with your big booms... c'mon, hit me with your big booms... fire away...

I lolled at him. “Thats becos yur a bad guy an an bad guys loose!”

This is some 4Kids level dialogue right here.

Then I shot him with the biggest powerup I ever had an there was a big flash an Cave Jonson was gone.

I flewed back to the jim an saw Gabe an Caroline an Wheatly an the good Teen Fortress 2 cheerin “Marrissa! Marrissa! Yay!” They were all so happy an proud of me it brot a tears to my eye. 

It brought a tears to her eye. A tears. A singular, yet plural tear.

“You guys are all the best! You shold come with me an Wheatly to the future!” Gabe Jonson looked sad an told me “No Marrisser, if we go life in the future then it will break the time streem an cause a paradoks.” 

Marissa traveling in time isn't a paradox, but if anyone else does it it is. Okay.

I cried alittle more an hugged Gabe an Caroline. “I guess this is goodbye my grate future dotter.” Caroline sniffled. “Also you must have a nother child named Chell but she will be less hot an pretty than me ok?” They both nodded “Ok” an we were all happy.

“No, really, I mean it. You have to make sure she’s uglier than me. It’s very important.”

“Marrissa I’ve repaired the time mashine its time for you an Wheatly to home.” The good Ingineer said. I picked up Wheatly hoo was a sleep becos he didnt have his rale to charge on an stepped into the mashine. 

Wheatley can sleep?

Am I the only one who’s imagining the time machine making the TARDIS sound?

Lights started goin an flashin when suddenly… CAROLINE WAS GOT SHOT! “I was not dead it was just a trick!” Cave Jonson sayd holdin up the gun. 

So, what, he turned invisible right as Marissa hit him?

Gabe went on the ground an cried some then stood up an screemed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“THIS STORY MAKES NO SEEEEEENNNNNNNSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Then with all the furry from his hole mussely body Gabe Jonson jump kicked Cave Jonson an blew up his head. 

He kicked him and that blew up his head?

Cave Jonson was died for real now but at what cost?

At the cost of your story sacrificing yet another little scrap of its already tiny amount of credibility.

Gabe ranned to Caroline body (I coldnt becos the mashine was still powerin up with me in it). “Carlion, pleese be ok!” Gabe cried to Caroline an blood was comin out of her every where. 

So, blood coming out of her eyes, nose, mouth, ears, skin… and so on…

“Im sorry Gabe but the woond is fatal she will dye soon.” The Medik said with tear in eyes. 

Yeah, because the Medic really gets all choked up when someone dies or is injured.

I don’t care if he’s “the good Medic,” this is still OOC.

“Gabe, Marrissa, I… love… you…” 

“…but in different ways… obviously…”

Then she died. 

So now Marissa shouldn’t exist and none of this will have happened. But if this didn’t happen, Marissa would exist. And if Marissa existed, then she’d screw things up again and Caroline would die. But if Caroline died before Marissa was born, Marissa wouldn’t exist. But if Marissa didn’t exist, this wouldn’t have happened, and—

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Gabe cried a gain. “I will build you a new robot body Caroline an it will be called… GLaDOS!” 

“Just invented that name on the spot, have no idea what it means.”

I o-mouthed but befour I cold stop him the time mashine sent me back to the future!

I could write quite extensively about how this story contradicts canon, itself, and common sense multiple times, but I really don’t want to think about it any more than I have to.

TO BE CONTINUED!

OH NO! NOW MARRISSA AN WHEATLY ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT BUT CAROLINE IS TURNED INTO GLADOS! 

So what? That already happened anyway.

AN WHAT IS HAPPENED IN PORTAL LABS NOW THAT CHELL AN FUTURE GLADOS ARE FUSIONED? 

Sexytimes, obviously.

FIND OUT NEXT IME ON ITS MY LIFE!

Yay!

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 9]

I meant to post on Christmas, but I slept most of the day on Christmas. Anyway, it may be late, but here’s the next chapter of MarissaTheWriter’s debut fanfiction. Happy holidays.

Recap: Last chapter involved a lot of time travel, and that made it even harder to follow than this author’s work usually is, but I’ll do my best to sum up the important bits. We got to see Marissa and Wheatley’s first meeting, after which Marissa’s powers accidentally transported her even further back in time, to when Caroline and “Gabe” were in high school. Marissa is now living with Caroline, the setting is clearly the latter half of the 20th century rather than the former half, and Marissa has explained to Caroline that she’s from the future and is Caroline’s daughter. Think that about catches us up.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN THIS WILL BE THE CHAPTER WITH ALL THE BIG REVLATIONS!

Sounds exciting.

PS P-BODY IS A GILR? THANKS FOR TEH INFO ILL WORK THAT INTO THE STORY!

Via a bizarre retcon, I’m sure. (I feel like a wonderful opportunity for trans robots is being missed.)

PPS OF CORSE GABE JONSON IS DEAD THATS WHY MARRISSA FOUND HIM IN ARDOID HELL DUH! 

Why would a human go to android hell upon dying? Is our good pal “Gabe” secretly an android? 

…actually not too ridiculous a plot twist for this author.

ALSO WHOS CAVE JONSON IS HE LICK GABES EVIL TWIN THATS A GOOD PLOT IDEA!

Oh no.

ITS MY LIFE!

CHAPTER NINE: PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL AN A REVALATION!

Should I be worried? I feel worried.

I turnsed round an saw that it was… WHEATLY! “Marrissa Im soo glad I found you! The black bloody hole sodding sucked me in too!” 

What? How could it have? Didn’t he get “punced” in the last chapter (by GLaDOS, no less)?

I gloped Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ) was all “OMFG”. 

Poor MarissaTheWriter. Her reviewers are such falmer trollz.

Also, “gloped”?

Wheatly locked at Carline an said “Who the bloody hell is this ugly bugger?” Becos she wasnt a pretty an hot as me an Wheetly wasnt used to seein other humans.

Shut up. I’m sure she’s gorgeous.

Notice how Marissa immediately goes back to misspelling Caroline’s name.

“I better explain all this stuff this is my boyfrend Wheatly the robot-ball (I cant rember was GLaDOS called him an it was meen an stupid any way) we’re from the future where yur an we need to get back to then.”

What GLaDOS called Wheatley? You mean “that little idiot”?

(No, I know she means “Intelligence Dampening Sphere.” At least, I think she does.)

I gave Carolion the down-lo. “Ok but I am ony a junor in Portal High School so im not smart enuff yet to build a time mashine. But I no some guys hoo can.” 

So, let me get things straight: Is this a high school AU fic now, or is this just some high school Cave and Caroline went to? Because, if it’s high school AU, then why is it not mentioned that it’s alternate universe? And if it’s the past and Cave and Caroline attended school together, why is the school called “Portal High School”?

Then Cabe Jonson came in the room.

You might want to word that differently.

Also, since Cave and Gabe are apparently two different characters now, which one is this?

“I herd every thing! We must wate for toromow then go to school an time mashine you too.”

…Does anyone know what this means?

So Gabe Jonson went home an me an Caroline an Wheatly all sleeped in her big doble bed but we didnt do no thing gross lick that ok! 

Well, good, because Caroline is your mother, Marissa.

The next mornin we woke up an readied for school. “Marrissa how can I school when im a bloody roboball?”

This reminds me of a dream I had where I was at school and Wheatley showed up. I remember being irritated because he wouldn’t shut up and I kept getting weird looks.

At no point in my dream did Wheatley ask how he could school, or refer to himself as a “bloody roboball,” however. You have to focus on the small blessings in life.

Caroline smied an said “Dont worry I can pretend yur my sience fare project.” 

“Since, you know, high school students often invent sentient AIs.”

We got Portal High School in Carlines car which as a cool ferrari. Are long hare was blowin in the breeze an we were signing pop sungs like “Party in the USA” an “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” an Wheatly sang to but didt no the words.

Do I even have to point out that this makes no sense? Well, in case I do: Aperture Science was founded by Cave Johnson in 1947. You do the math as to what time this would be taking place.

When we gotted to Portal High there was a lot of guys starin at me becos I was the new girl an more hot an pretty than the others. 

And totally not a Mary Sue or anything.

“Sorry duds Im takin =D” I waved cool an struted my stuff with Carlion. 

You don’t want those guys anyway, Marissa. They’re duds.

“When do we meet the time mashine?” I asked to Caraline an she said “Gabe said his frends will meet us a lunch we have to class until then.” 

“Meet” the time machine? What, is it sentient?

(Actually, in this fic it wouldn’t come as a surprise.)

Are first class was jim (Caroline hacked the net work so all are classes were the same).

Again, this is the early nineteen-somethings. No network. No hacking.

I spent a minute or so wondering who “Jim” was before I figured out that she meant “gym.”

Affer we got in are jim close some guys were starin at me an hootin an lookin at my bobs so I yelled “YOU PERVEARTS!” An they ran away becos they saw me ‘angry face’. 

But not because she’s a Mary Sue or anything.

“OMG!” Caroline OMGed “Look at the noo mascots there soo coot!” 

Yes, OMG was just used as a verb. 

I looked at them an saw… “Carline those not mascots there… ATLAS AN P-BOY!” 

Because they’d totally blend in.

Altas an P-Boy saw mee an P-Boy “MY NAME IS P-BODY NOW BECOS IM ACTUALLYA GIRL!” P-Body yelled loud at me. 

On the bright side, looks like we have canon trans robots.

I o-mouthed an Caroline went all “Dude WTF?” a gain.

Yeah, I don’t blame her.

“Give us more drugs an beer or well shoot you an yur frend!” Atlas goaded an taked out a guns. 

I don’t think this is a very well thought-out plan. Marissa and Caroline probably don’t have any “drugs an beer” and there are presumably other people the co-op bots can get those things from.

Caroline was a scarred an shakin while I jus held Wheatly reel tite but he didt say no thing becos he was pretendin to be a sience fare project. 

Wheatley knows how to shut up?!

That may be the most unbelievable thing in this story so far.

“OH NO YOU DONT!” A big fat kid russianed at Atlas an P-Body an landed on them like squish! He goot up an brush robot parts of off him an went to shack my hand.

“Russianed”?

“My name is Russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im reel fat LOL!” Heavy russianed to me while I was shackin his hand. 

Oh dear lord.

Team Fortress 2 crossover? Really?

“You got heer just in time.” Caroline lolled. 

The Heavy guy ponted to the left an there were some other guys. “These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer were seinors so we can smart enuff to build time mashine for you.” 

I’ll admit I laughed at “Demonman” and the Scout being called “Scot.”

Is this the BLU team or the RED team?

The Ingineer got up to me. “Well little lady I herd you need a time mashine builted. Well Im a seinor an I passed my time mashine exam so I can help!” 

I rather like the idea that there’s a “time machine exam.”

He started buildin the time mashine when Gabe Jonson came in.

“Well I guess this is goodbye my dotter.” He cried a little an gave me hug an I hug back. “Ill miss you to Marrissa Roberts yur the best dotter I didt have yet.” Caroline was cryin so I gave her hug too. 

Why is Marissa’s last name “Roberts” if her dad’s last name is Johnson? I mean, I know it would have ruined the twist, but still.

The Ingineer gotted up an said “THE MASHINE IS COMPLEET!” Befour I cold go in the Ingineer stoped me an took out a big nettle. 

A big nettle? Is he going to sting her with it?

“Also I made a injecshun that will give you speshal powers.” 

Because the Engineer can totally do stuff like that. Wouldn’t that be more suited to the Medic?

I lolled an said “I already have them becos this is the past this must be how I got them in the first place.” The Ingineer thot a min an said. “Okay Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you then you have them to not mess up the time streem.” He put the nettle in Caroline an electric happened all over her an I felt even MORE POWER FULL. 

Makes perfect sense.

I grabed Wheatly an got ready to go in the mashine when…

MEANWHILE IN THYE FUTURE!

Back in the future Chell was still tryin a booty quake but no thing jigglewiggle. 

It’s a bit difficult to “booty quake” when your butt got sliced off.

In fact, I would imagine that lots of things would be… somewhat… difficult. Like being alive.

“Hey you over there come heer!” A voice said an Chell went to it. It was GLaDOS head not died affer all! 

Yeah, well, she never does die, does she?

For which I am very, very GLaD.

“I can be yur new booty!” 

That makes sense.

So Chell piced up GLADS an put where butt was there. GLaDOS started to LOL all evil an wiers came out of her an into Chell so she was transform just like GLaDOS planed…

TO BE CONTINUED!

*dramatic reverb*

OH NO CHELL AN GLADOS IS FUSED TO CHELLGADOS! HOW CAN MARRISSA STOP HER NOW AN CAN SHE EVEN GET BACK OR IS SOME THING GOIN DOWN AT PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL? FIND OUT NEXT TIEM!

So, to recap: No big revelations, just one absurd TF2 crossover and much mangling of canon/history/the minds of us all.

I bet you just can’t wait for more.

Next chapter

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 8]

This fanfic continues to be even worse than I remembered it. Worse in a good way, of course.

Some sexual references in this chapter. Nothing explicit, but it is made clear that two characters have sex. Also, one of those characters is a robot.

Recap: Marissa killed everyone. No, really; her powers were stronger than she counted on and, long story short, she ended up killing everyone in the fic, minus Chell, who merely got her butt sliced off. (Don't think about it.) In an attempt to set things right, Marissa found a time machine and is now trying to travel to the past in order to fix her mistakes. Or something.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

ITS MY LIFE! CHAPTER ATE: TIME FOR ADVENTURE

Chapter ate?

The time mashine squirted me out into the past an I looked round. 

The time machine… squirted you out into the past?

Oh, also, in regards to the time machine — what I find the most irritating about a time machine just randomly appearing with absolutely no explanation is that it would have been incredibly easy to come up with an explanation for why Aperture has a time machine lying around. I mean, seriously now.

I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit like mean doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty so it must’ve been past Chell. 

Is this really a difficult distinction to make or do you just need to emphasize how much more attractive you are than your sister?

“OH GURGS!” I yelled in sad, Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin so I must’ve goned to far back to Portal 1! 

Does anyone know what “OH GURGS!” is supposed to mean?

But the time mashine hadnt been invention yet so I had to find a nother way. 

So you went back in time to before the time machine was invented? Isn’t that some sort of paradox?

“YUO ARE NOT PART OF TESTS PREPAIR TO DI!” GLaDOS said at me but I still had my portal gon an powers. 

You have no idea how much I HATE HATE HATE this dialogue for GLaDOS.

I charged my powers into the portal gun wich made it glow an electric stuff round it. I fried it an the portal wasnt a normal portal but a blak hole! 

If I remember correctly from the Aperture Science Investment Opportunity videos, doesn’t the ASHPD contain a black hole at its center? That was in the “Boots” video, right? I’m not making this up?

At any rate. For this story, that’s actually a reasonable plot development. Well done, author.

Chell wasnt brane damage yet so she was smart an got away bu the GLadOS camra wasnt lucky an got sucked in. I lolled at dead GLaDOS camera an went to find some thing that could make me future.

Wait wait wait wait wait. What?

The entire black-hole thing only served to destroy one of GLaDOS’s wall cameras?

That has got to be the dumbest thing I ever—

I saw sum rbots doin tests in a diffrant room an they looked kin a familiar. 

Wait a minute. GLaDOS hasn’t created Atlas and P-body yet.

“Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy (he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters). 

Glad you fixed that continuity error! Fic's totally better now!

” P-Doy waved nice at me I realised these must be prototip Atlas an P-Body from befour they were jerks! 

So why’d they turn into jerks? No reason? Drugs and beer? GLaDOS being a meanie? [Insert alternate guess here]?

“My name is Marrissa Roberts an Im lookin for a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol.” Atlas an P-Boyd didnt understan becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet. 

I know next to nothing about Back to the Future, and I’m not too clear about when the events of the first game take place (especially since the timeline’s been retconned since Portal 2 came out), but I’m willing to bet that Back to the Future had already been “invented” at that time.

Not that Atlas and P-body — sorry, P-boy — would know about it anyway. Or Marissa, for that matter.

“GLaDS didt make a time mashine yet bu you can sleep in the relax hotel for some years or somefin.” P-Boy said an I went there. 

Much like Atlas and P-body are never called Atlas and P-body in the dialogue, GLaDOS is never referred to by name by any of the other characters. Sure, Portal's cast is also very small and a significant portion of it is nonverbal (Chell and the co-op bots), but Wheatley's too terrified of GLaDOS to use her name, and I kind of feel like the bots would be, too, if they could talk.

In any case, it feels weird. Though god knows why I'm pointing that out in the context of this fic anyhow.

Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks!

See? Everything really is your fault. I’ve been trying to tell you that, but you were too busy ruining everything to listen to my advice.

Usin’ a portal I got to relax hotel in notime there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them. 

Okay, so it’s probably Wheatley. But wouldn’t it be better if it was one of the other personality cores for a change?

My heart droped in happy. 

As hearts are wont to do.

“WHEATLY!” I screemed ayn rand towards him. 

…sigh.

Wheetly looked ta me an said “Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!” This must been when Wheatly an I first met! “OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?” He asked too.

I’d point out that this is just messing up the timeline, but there are so many ways to write a time-travel story that I don’t even know what this author is trying to do. Also, it’s a nonsensical story.

“Im Marrissa an I no yur name becos… I guessed lucky?” 

Well, that’s certainly believable.

I didt want to let Whatly no I was from the future or Id mess up the time streem. 

Okay, good, we’re laying down some basic ground rules here. Let’s hope MarissaTheWriter sticks to them.

“Do you no how I can get to the future?” 

…and she didn’t. Well, I suppose that’s not very surprising. But nonetheless.

Nice job breaking it, hero.

Wheatly thot on my question. “Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted.” 

“And not because I’m a moron or anything.”

I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss. 

…oh god I don’t want to read about Marissa kissing Wheatley please someone make it stop…

“I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!” An I smelled at him. 

Did he smell nice? The fangirls would like to know.

“Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe.” Wheatly o-mouthed an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT! 

That sounds both awful and one-sided.

An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P

Good.

After Wheatly an are “private time” (winkwink) Wheatly say “Ill put you in this bed an you can sleep till the future my lopve.” 

I really hate all this wink wink nod nod allusions to sex scenes I did not actually write stuff. Especially when the sex in question (between a metal sphere and a Mary Sue) sounds totally unappealing to being with.

I thot to myself how cold I have ever gotted a better guy than Wheet. 

Well, maybe next time you could try for one that’s human. Though that might be setting your sights a bit high.

The it happened! The wall falled away an GLaDOS was lookin at me. 

Because she’s just chillin’ like a villain on the other side of the wall, apparently.

“MARRISSA ROBERTS I NO WHO YOU ARE AN THAT YUR FROM THE FUTURE!” 

And how does she know that? Just because she’s GLaDOS?

Unless she overheard Marissa’s comment about going “Back to the Future.” Or worse — she could hear what Marissa was saying to Wheatley, which implies that she heard, uh, the non-solution-related euphoria that was presumably taking place.

Which would completely justify any awful thing she decides to do to one or both of them now.

Wheatly got shocked but I telled him “No Wheatly shes a lier!” 

Well, at least that part’s true.

Wheatly got mad an said “GLADOS IM NOT SCARRED OF YOU NO MORE I GOT THE POWER OF LOVE!” 

Oh, how precious. I’m sure that’ll just stop GLaDOS in her tracks now.

So she punce Wheatly a way. 

So is that “power of love” thing working out for you, Wheatley? Because right now it looks like you’re being… “punced”… and that’s not a good thing.

“NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!” GLaDOS turned on here nerotksin.

Here’s hoping that Marissa lost her immunity…

“Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?” 

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

GLaDOS had a “Dude WTF” look on her feces. Then got smart a gain an said “Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them.”

JOY JOY JOY

Then some thign happened. I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever. 

HATE HATE HATE

“No, imposable!” GLaDOS scrammed an I said “DIE B****!” 

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked “LOL you are died!” GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell. 

JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY 

Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out.

So, when you were inside the black hole and it got all black and you blacked out, was the blackness all black?

When I awaked I was in a crass room an there was students ever where with “WTF” looks on their feces. 

Drinking game: Take a drink every time the author says “feces” instead of “faces."

Also, what’s going on? She’s in a classroom? Is this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day or something?

A guy got up an he looked realy familiar like I seed him befour. “Hi my name is Gabe Jonson an this is my girlfrend Karolin.” 

Oh crap. It isn’t Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, is it?

But… but what’s going on? Cave and Caroline openly dating?

Oh, never mind, it says “Gabe” and “Karolin,” so canon is safe. For now.

He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person. 

I have no idea how you judge that.

I understand that what the author’s trying to do (or would be trying to do, if she was serious) is convey to the audience that GLaDOS used to be Caroline. Setting aside the fact that the audience already knows that, there’s also other ways to show the connection. After all, one of the things that helped me figure out that plot twist early on was that I recognized Ellen McLain’s voice acting.

“Who you?” She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. “Uh… Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student.” I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was. 

And neither do we.

Then it clacked. 

It clacked? Is that the opposite of “it clicked”?

Gabe Jonson… Karlion… I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL! 

OH GOD NO

PLEASE NO

NOT A HIGH SCHOOL AU FIC

“My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you?”

Because that’s a perfectly plausible claim, and a perfectly reasonable thing to ask of two people who only just met you.

 An Karlin said “OK we can be lick sisters!” 

Because that’s a perfectly reasonable response to a stranger asking if she can move in with you, and it definitely seems like a plausible component of GLaDOS’s personality.

We wents to Karlins becos we were too cool for school which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door.

Wait — was school nice and pink, or was Caroline’s house nice and pink?

“Welcome to my commode!” Karoline yelled with pride at her room. 

We barely even know what Caroline was like and I still think this sounds OOC.

There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths. 

There was a toilet in her bedroom?

“Ill leave you gurls alone lol.” Gabe Jonson said an left to do mainly things. 

Okay, I will admit I laughed at the idea of Cave (or Gabe?) leaving to do manly things. (Or mainly things?)

Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff. 

Totally sounds like something GLaDOS would do when she was human.

“How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?” 

Justin Beiber is a hostess now? I'll admit, I didn't anticipate that particular career move.

Karlin looked at me funny. “JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?”

Setting aside the fact that Caroline is aware that Justin Beiber should not yet exist, I like the implication that he's manmade. Possibly a not-very-sophisticated robot.

I o-mouthed an said “OH S***!” Then I locked door an covere windos. “Promise you wont tell no none.” 

Because being from the future is one of those embarrassing secrets you have to hide, and if you randomly let slip that you’re from the future to an almost total stranger you can expect them to go along with it.

An Karolin pinky sweated with me. 

…Pinky sweated?

“Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!” Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed becos som eone jumped out an…

…d died, horribly.

TO BE CONTINUED!

WHOS JUMP OUT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ITS MY LIFE!

Bet you can’t wait, can you?

Next chapter